Tag: Kyle Mooney

Game at Debra’s House

Debra… Ronda Rousey

Robbie… Beck Bennett

Mikie… Kyle Mooney

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Debra walking up to Robbie and Mikie]

Debra: Hey, Robbie. Hey, Mikie.

Robbie: Hey Debra.

Mikie: What’s up, Debra?

Debra: Were you guys able to talk to Don about the new customer service policies?

Robbie: Oh, not yet. But we’re definitely gonna get started digging our hands into it after lunch.

[Cut to Debra]

Debra: Great! Oh, and if you haven’t heard, I’m having some people over to game on Sunday, if you wanna come by.

[Cut to Robbie and Mikie]

Robbie: Oh, yes.

Mikie: Oh, yes!

Robbie: Okay.

Mikie: Big game, you’re having people over for it?

[Cut to everyone]

Debra: Yeah. I thought it might be fun.

Robbie: Oh, it’s party time. Alright!

Debra: Um, not quite a party but some people hope it for sure. No big deal.

[Cut to Robbie and Mikie]

Mikie: Great! Me and him love parties. It’s one of our favorite things to go to.

Robbie: I always get invited to party. So, this is nothing new.

[Cut to Debra]

Debra: Oh well, mine’s Sunday starting at around 3.

[Cut to all. Debra is walking away.]

Mikie: Okay. Let me ask, morning or later?

Debra: 3 PM. Do not come to my house at 3 AM.

Mikie: Great! That’s actually easier for us.

Robbie: Yeah. Way easy for us. I’m actually scared at 3 AM.

[Cut to Debra]

Debra: Ah, okay. But there’s no reason to be scared.

[Cut to Robbie and Mikie]

Robbie: No. Not of a party.

Mikie: And of course, we’re gonna be doing what people do at party. So, a little bit of dancing, a little bit of what did you say?

[Cut to all]

Debra: Just watching football.

Robbie: Exactly! Yeah.

Debra: Feel free to bring something but no pressure.

[Debra is walking away]

Mikie: Um-hmm. Like a bucket.

Debra: We’re just going to be watching TV. So we don’t need buckets.

Mikie: Perfect!

Robbie: Oh, so yea, we’ll just bring in couple of TVs in?

[Cut to Debra]

Debra: I have a TV. You don’t have to bring one from home.

[Cut to Robbie and Mikie]

Robbie: Oh that’s probably easier for us. We live two hours away. We don’t have a car.

Mikie: Yeah, thanks Obama.

Robbie: Oh, hey, do people have any allergies or–

[Cut to Debra]

Debra: I don’t think so.

[Cut to Robbie and Mikie]

Robbie: Okay, great. Then I’ll find a couple of dogs to bring.

[Cut to Debra]

Debra: Please don’t bring dogs to my house.

[Cut to Robbie and Mikie]

Robbie: Oh, okay. So you’re gonna provide the dogs?

Mikie: Oh, a very crazy affair.

Robbie: Ah!

[Cut to Debra]

Debra: Have you guys not been to a party before?

[Cut to Robbie and Mikie]

Robbie: Oh yeah. Just not with other people.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: Hey! I heard you guys talking about a party? I’m there. I’ll be the one with the nachos.

[Cut to Robbie and Mikie]

Mikie: Ay, we’ll be the ones with the towels.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Don’t know what that can mean.

[Cut to Robbie and Mikie]

Mikie: Coz we’re bringing towels to the party.

Robbie: Yeah, see you Sunday at 3 AM.

Mikie: PM.

Robbie: Oh, right!

[Cut to all]

Kenan: I’m gonna walk away right now.

Debra: I already have plenty of towels.

[Cut to Robbie and Mikie]

Robbie: Lucky.

Mikie: We can bring rags.

Debra: Rags?

Mikie: You must know that those are little shredded towels.

[Cut to Debra]

Debra: I know what rags are. And I don’t need anything like that.

[Cut to Robbie and Mikie]

Mikie: Say no more. That actually makes things a lot more easier for us.

[Cut to Debra]

Debra: If you guys don’t wanna come, don’t stress.

[Cut to Robbie and Mikie]

Robbie: Oh, no. We’re not stressed. We got body massages today.

Mikie: Yeah. We’re not stressed at all. We’ve been to a party or two before.

[Cut to Debra]

Debra: I get it. Not your first ROYO.

[Cut to Robbie and Mikie]

Mikie: No one said anything about ROYO party.

Robbie: ROYO party. Either way, we get our clowns right?

[Cut to Debra]

Debra: No. It’s very casual. I’ll see you at my house Sunday or not.

[Debra walking away]

Mikie: Roger that. Now, just a curiosity. How do we get inside your place?

[Cut to Debra getting annoyed]

Debra: What?

[Cut to Robbie and Mikie]

Robbie: Is there a climbing situation? Or do you want us to smash in the front door?

[Cut to Debra]

Debra: No, it’s just a regular door and I’ll open it.

[Cut to Robbie and Mikie]

Robbie: Perfect. Okay.

Mikie: That’s easier for us.

Robbie: Yeah.

[Cut to all]

Debra: Guys, you don’t really have to come.

Mikie: Oh, well, we do.

[Cut to Deb’s house at 3 AM]

[door bell ringing]

Robbie: Deb, wake up! We’re here to watch the game.

Mikie: We brought dogs and rags.

[door knocking]

[The End]

Drone Milfs

Bobby Moynihan

Cecily Strong

Leslie Jones

Jan Crang… Aidy Bryant

Mrs. Dutt… Kate McKinnon

MC Strategy… Kyle Mooney

Gary… Kenan Thompson

Mary Bonom… Ronda Rousey

Pete Davidson.

[Starts with Bobby and Cecily at their desk]

Bobby: Motion passes.

Cecily: Okay, so that concludes action items. We now begin the citizen’s forum and open the podium to the members of the community.

Bobby: As a reminder, swearing is prohibited. If you cannot express your opinion without using foul language, I encourage you to leave.

[Cut to Leslie at the podium]

Leslie: Bye!

[Leslie leaves]

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Alright then, I guess we’ll start with you ma’am. Hello.

[Cut to Jan Crang at the podium]

Jan Crang: Jan Crang, female, aged 47.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: There is no need to state your age and sex, Ms. Crang. What is your concern?

[Cut to Jan Crang]

Jan Crang: Well the teens have taken their mischief to the skies and I am talking about drones. I snatched this one out of the air when it whizzed over my backyard while I was sunbathing, and it’s little camera snapped some pics of me in my tanning trunks. They are supposed to be used on some kind of website called drone-milfs. Well, jokes on them. How can I be a milf when I don’t have any children? I move to ban these bots and free the drone milfs!

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: But we can’t ban drones but I suggest contacting a lawyer about unauthorized use of your picture.

[Cut to Jan Crang]

Jan Crang: Thank you. Once again, Jan Crang. As in Cranga-tang!

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Yes, we know. Thank you. Hello there, Mrs. Dutt. Back again so soon.

[Cut to Mrs. Dutt at the podium]

Mrs. Dutt: Yes. I was banned from singing center agian. I’m here to ask for reinstatement.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Mrs. Dutt, this is the third time this month.

[Cut to Mrs. Dutt]

Mrs. Dutt: That’s not my fault. I had a Rockstar energy drink that lit a fire under my taunt. I was playing monopoly with Ethal, and she bought Marvin’s gardens but I wanted Marvin’s gardens. So I said, “Well I want that!” But she refused! So I knocked her over the game and I started tearing the little red hood, teased everybody in the little activity’s room. And I pulled a fire alarm and I yelled, “I am the nightmare!”

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Mrs. Dutt, I’m not gonna do this.

[Cut to Mrs. Dutt]

Mrs. Dutt: I am not done. And then I ran outside and I claimed a tree. I grabbed some wasps nest and turned it into a zumba class.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Geez! Well, do you promise to stay away from Rockstar energy drink?

[Cut to Mrs. Dutt]

Mrs. Dutt: If I told you yes, that would be a lie.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Well then, I’m sorry. Request denied.

[Cut to Mrs. Dutt]

Mrs. Dutt: I understand.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Moving on. Hi there, young man. How are you?

[Cut to MC Strategy at the podium]

MC Strategy: My name is MC Strategy. I’m originally from Holand but I’m here to spread dope beats on the cautious tip. [yelling]Real-Hip-Hop! As you know, next Sunday is the pop Warner’s youth football championship games. My question to you is, instead of star spankled banners, may I perform a four and half concert along side the rest of the Mythic Insight’s crew? Man styles, and DJ Liner?

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: I believe Caroline chew is going to sing the national anthem during the game.

[Cut to MC Strategy]

MC Strategy: What if I promise to bring the Abstract thoughts?

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Well, I would still say no.

[Cut to MC Strategy]

MC Strategy: Right. Well, thank you for being part of the evolution. Please pick up my CD outside of the Papa Johns!

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Definitely. Definitely will. Hi there, Mr. Lumus.

[Cut to Gary and Mary Bonom at the podium]

Gary: Lu? Call me Gary. I’d like to introduce my good friend Mary Bonom. She’d like to apply for an event permit and I told her I’d help her out. Say some kind of tight with you guys.

Mary Bonom: Hi there. I want an old time traveling carnival in side show. I’d like to set my tents in your town square for two week engagement. My side show includes such human arteez as Tod, the lost Baldwin brother.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Oh. And what else do you have?

[cut to Gary and Mary Bonom]

Mary Bonom: That’s it.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: All your carnival has is ‘Tod the lost Baldwin brother’?

[Cut to Gary and Mary Bonom]

Mary Bonom: Yeah.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: I’m sorry. I think we’re gonna pass.

[Cut to Gary and Mary Bonom]

Mary Bonom: Alright, cool. Thanks for your time.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Okay, yes. Hello there, young man.

[Cut to Pete at the podium]

Pete: Um, wad up? I lost a drone. Anybody turning one in?

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Do you for chance have a website called drone-milfs?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Yeah! It’s dope, right?

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Yeah, but the search bar is hard to find and when you create an account you should be able to save your favorites, but we do not have your drone. And it looks like we are out of time. Meeting adjourned. Drive save, everybody!

[The End]

Republican Debate

Neil Cavuto… Kyle Mooney

Maria Bartiromo… Cecily Strong

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

Ted Cruz… Taran Killam

Chris Christie… Bobby Moynihan

Jeb Bush… Beck Bennett

Ben Carson… Jay Pharoah

Marco Rubio… Pete Davidson

[Starts with republican debate intro]

Male voice: Live on the Fox Business Network, it’s the 6th republican debate.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Neil: Hello and welcome back. I’m FOX business rock star Neil Cavuto.

Neil: And I’m Maria Bartiromo. A reminder, we’ve lost a few competitors since the last debate with only seven joining us tonight. So remember candidates, if at any time tonight, your poll numbers drop below 3%, you will hear a loud gong, then be escorted off the stage like the showtime at the Apollo. At which point you’ll take a seat in the audience next to that sweet rose of the Carolina’s senator Lindsey Graham.

[Cut to Lindsey Graham sitting at the audience and smiling at the camera.]

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

The next question for our front runner Donald Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump.]

Donald Trump: Thank you Maria Toniromo.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Mr. Trump. Since the last debate, Ted Cruz has pulled ahead of you in Iowa. Is it true you’ve started attacking him because you see him as a threat?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Franky Maria, I’m glad everyone is talking about my good friend Rafael Eduardo Cruz. People are coming up to me all the time saying, “Donald, Ted Cruz was born in Canada. He can’t be president. This campaign is illegal.” Their words, not mine.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Donald, this debate about natural born citizenship is just political nonsense. Clearly I’m not Canadian. Canadians are well act. I am not. Canadians are rugged and outdoorsy where I myself am mostly made of pudding. Canadians are genuine and warm whereas when I smile, it looks like I’m peeing.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Alright governor Christie, if I ask you a question, do you promise not to turn your answer into a tie raid against president Obama?

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: I promise.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: How would you change the tax code?

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Barack Obama is the worst president in the history. And when Chris Christie is president, the first thing we will do is kick your rear end out of the White House buddy.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Well, whoever is elected, president Obama will be required to leave. It will be the end of his term.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Duh! Yeah! Coz I’m gonna send him packing.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: He will already have packed and left because his term will be over.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Yeah, well.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: This next question is for Jeb.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: It is?

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Wait, I’m sorry. I’m wrong. It says Ted. Ted Cruz.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Aw!

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Mr. Cruz. You suggested Mr. Trump embodies New York values. Could you explain what you mean by that?

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: I think most people know exactly what New York values are. And frankly, they’re not the rest of the country’s values. Instead of celebrating Christmas, New Yorkers celebrate a pagan holiday called Festivus. Instead of watching American football, they challenge each other to masturbation contests. In New York, people don’t say hi to their neighbors. They say, “Hello, Newman.”

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Neil: Sounds like you’re describing the TV show ‘Seinfeld’. Is that what you mean by New York values?

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Believe me, if I could say liberal Jews, I would.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Dr. Carson. You’ve said we’re not doing enough to dismantle and destroy ISIS. What would you do as president?

[Cut to Ben Carson]

Ben Carson: Well, whenever I think of ISIS I get so furious. I just go into beast mode. Okay, look. Okay, wars change in the 6,000 years that the earth has existed. Our enemies can now send an electromagnetic pulse into our exo-atmosphere  scrambling our electro-city. I’m talking dirty bombs, cyber fights, laser people and robo-trons.

[Cut to Chris Christie and Ben Carson. Chris Christie moves away from Ben Carson.]

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Neil: Mr. Trump, we now turn to China.

[Cut to Donald Trump looking at his phone.]

Donald Trump: Hold on. I’m getting a call from a respected expert. Hello. What? You’re saying Jeb Bush is a little girl?

[Cut to Donald Trump and Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: No I’m not.

Donald Trump: And he can’t be president because his hands are bigger than his face.

Jeb Bush: That’s not true. Look! Dang it!

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Neil: Our next question is for Marco Rubio.

[Cut to Marco Rubio]

Marco Rubio: Um, can I ask my question myself? Um, why am I not winning? Is it the boots? I can lose the boots. I mean come on! I’m young. I’m smart.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: What did he say?

Neil: Um, I wasn’t listening. Um, finally we turn to governor Bush. Governor, would you like to tell everyone the joke I heard you practicing in the bathroom earlier?

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Okay. In Hillary’s first 100 days as president, she’s going from the White House to the Court House. [laughing]

[Cut to Donald Trump shaking his head]

Donald Trump: It’s okay. You don’t need to tell jokes because you are one, Zebra.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: That’s not my name.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Yes it is. And I have a good authority that Zebra is wearing spanks right now.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: You shut up. They’re for support.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Alright. We’ll take our first break–

[someone hands a paper to Maria]

Oh, this is exciting. We have confirmation that Chris Christie has just dipped below 3% in the national polls.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

[gong sound]

Chris Christie: Wait! Come on!

[Kenan walks in wearing a white suit dancing and escorts Chris Christie out]

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Well, that’s a lot of fun. We’ll be right back with more. And …

Neil and Maria: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Hoverboard for Christmas

Kyle Mooney

Pete Davidson

[Stars with people on hoverboards in a park]

Male voice: This Christmas, you gotta get a hoverboard.

Kyle: I just think and it goes wherever I want.

Pete: Where I can do sweet spins.

Male voice: They’re the hottest gift of the holiday season. And now they’re literally the hottest because they also explode.

[a hoverboard explodes]

Kyle and Pete: Sick!

Male voice: It could be plugged it. [a charging hoverboard explodes]

You could be riding it. [Kyle is riding a burning hoverboard]

Or it could just be sitting there.

[a hoverboard at the corner of the room explodes]

Pete: I knew it!

Kyle: But how do they explode so well?

Male voice: Simple, we take a battery from 90’s cellphone and make a make it power a motor designed for a small car. And since hoverboards are banned from streets and sidewalks, they’re perfect for riding in your house. Or in a different room of your house. Plus, there’s no lame ass warranty.

Kyle: There’s just a really dope warning!

[The warning reads “May Cause Death”.]

Pete: And look, even grandpa’s getting on the action.

Grandpa: [riding a hoverboard] Look at me, I’m doing it. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. [Grandpa is literally on fire]

Pete: Nice!

Male voice: So, this Christmas, get the gift that says, “I hate walking but I love fires.” Oh, and very occasionally, hoverboards may accelerate from 0-80 in four seconds. Wait, what?

[Pete is on a speed hoverboard and is screaming. He wets his pants.]

Male voice: Hoverboards, no longer sold at Amazon, Walmart, Target and Radioshack. Manufactured by the good people at Kids Crew. The same people who brought you Plane Lasers. Lasers that kids can shoot at planes trying to blind a pilot.

GOP Debate Cold Open

Wolf Blitzer… Jon Rudnitsky

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

Ted Cruz… Taran Killam

Ben Carson… Jay Pharoah

Marco Rubio… Pete Davidson

Jeb Bush… Beck Bennett

Pete Buttigieg… Colin Jost

Carly Fiorina… Cecily Strong

Chris Christie…Bobby Moynihan

Rand Paul… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Republican Presidential Debate intro]

Male voice: Live from the Venetian Hotel, Las Vegas, it’s the Republican Debate, with your moderator Wolf Blitzer.

Wolf Blitzer: Good evening. For those of you who missed our earlier under card debate featuring Mike Huckabee and Rick Santorum, well the results are in and everybody lost. Now, let’s meet the candidates. Nine are here tonight. The five who actually have a chance are  [Cut to the candidates] Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, Ben Carson, Marco Rubio and poor sweet Jeb Bush.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

With the rest of you just wave so your parents know you’re here.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg and Carly Fiorina waving]

[Cut to Chris Christie and Rand Paul waving]

Chris Christie: Hey, baba-boy!

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: We will begin with the front runner, Mr. Trump here. Opening remarks.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Debates are stupid. You should be paying me and Wolf Blitzer looks like Papa Smurf.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Wolf, May I take a desperate swing at Donald now?

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Go ahead Mr. Bush.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: This is what he does. He says these offensive things then he bullies anyone who challenges him. Well guess what, you can’t insult your way to the presidency.

Donald Trump: Oh really jug head? Coz I’m at 43 and you’re at three. Jeb, you’re a nice guy but you’re a light weight. And I know for a fact that you pee setting down.

Jeb Bush: No I don’t.

Donald Trump: Yes you do.

Wolf Blitzer: Alright, let’s go to the surging Ted Cruz. Senator, [Cut to Ted Cruz] you said you will relentlessly carpet bomb ISIS. Is this a real strategy?

Ted Cruz: Well, Wolf, if I’m president I can promise you, ISIS will hate me and how do I know? Because everyone who knows me hates me. Democrats hate me. Republicans hate me. I have what doctors call, a punch-able face. Political actually did a poll and I was voted the candidate most people wanted to throw a beer at. So look out, ISIS, because I’m gonna crash your party. And just like every party I go to, I’m gonna ruin it.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Governor Christie, what steps would you take to keep Americans safe?

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Wolf, I would like to answer that with a series of fear-mongering statements.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Go ahead.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: We are under attack and we are all gonna die. Mothers are putting their kids on buses and these buses are being driven off-cliffs by terrorists. Today in our great country, one out of every three babies born are already in ISIS. They are here folks, and I am the only one up here with a stones to take them on. I am a cowboy on a steel horse I ride, Bon Jovi forever!

[Cut to Chris Christie and Rand Paul]

Rand Paul: Listen to this man. He’s trying to start World War III.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Sir, we’re not taking comments from the audience yet.

[Cut to Rand Paul looking angry]

Rand Paul: No, I’m Rand Paul. I’m up here.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Oh, sorry. Well, let’s go to Dr. Carson. Doctor, do you, a brain surgeon, have the experience in toughness to deal with world leaders like Vladimir Putin?

[Cut to Ben Carson]

Ben Carson: Well that question makes me furious, Wolf. I might go ham up in here right now. Of course I can be tough. As a surgeon, I have to tell people things they don’t wanna hear. Not that they have to have brain surgery. That it be performed by me, a man who they believe to be asleep. But I’m not asleep. I am amped, I am jacked and I’m ready to throw down. What do you think of that, Mr. Putin?

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Miss Fiorina, your thoughts.

[Cut to Carly Fiorina]

Carly Fiorina: You wanna talk about Putin, I know Vladimir Putin personally. I sold him an HP printer and now he hates my guts. It doesn’t work. It never worked. And when Putin calls me to complain, I just smile that classic Carly Fiorina smile.

[Carly Fiorina smiles showing her teeth]

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Okay, well looks like Jeb’s got his courage back up.

[Cut to Jeb Bush. Looks like he’s warming up for sports.]

He is ready to take another run at Trump.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Mr. Bush, go ahead and say out loud what you’ve been quietly muttering to yourself.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Trump? I mean, [Cut to Jeb Bush and Donald Trump] this guy is the chaos candidate. Am I right? Chaos. Is he for real? Nah, man.

Donald Trump: Jeb, you’re a very nice man but you’re basically a little girl. Folks, this is true. I got hold of Jeb’s birth certificate in full disclosure. His real name is Zebra.

Jeb Bush: That is not true.

Donald Trump: That is true. Yes, it is. Jeb-bra. Jeb-bra.

Jeb Bush: That’s not my name. That’s not my name.

Donald Trump: Hey Zebra, lose say what?

Jeb Bush: What? Oh, come on!

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Let’s move on to senator Rubio. Senator, few weeks ago, you were many people’s pick as the most electable candidate. Tonight you’re in 4th place. Are you resonating with the voters?

[Cut to Marco Rubio]

Marco Rubio: Wolf, let’s remember one thing. I am by far, the most attractive person on this stage. I’m a hard seven, baby! I’m young, Cuban, and let’s face it, I’m the only one up here you’d swipe right on. [Cut to Ben Carson. He’s wearing glasses that has wide open eyes printed on them.] So why am I losing to this guy who is asleep right now?

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Alright, before we go to commercial, we’ll give Jeb one last chance to make an impression.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Alright guys, listen. If we work together we can stop Donald Trump. Combine my numbers with [pointing to other candidates] your’s, your’s and your’s, we’d almost win.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Hey Zebra, shut your pot hole

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Okay, you know what? You’re a jerk! You’re never gonna be president, Donald.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Yeah, no kidding. None of us are genius. And I’ll tell ya something else. Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

[The End]

Star Wars Toy Commercial

Bobby Moynihan

Taran Killam

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with video clips of Star Wars toys]

Male voice: New Start Wars: The Force Awakens toys and action figures are here.

Two kids: Cool!

Male voice: Are you ready to bring the adventure of Star Wars universe into your home?

Two kids: The force is with us.

[Two nerd adults walk in]

Bobby: And us.

Taran: Yeah! Us too.

Male voice: New action figures and play sets for ages six and up.

Three nerd adults: [holding the toys] Way up!

Male voice: Battle the evil Kylo Ren.

Kid: I’m gonna get you in my light saver.

Taran: Or leave it in the box!

Kid: Storm troopers, attack!

Bobby: Or leave them in the box and never touch them.

Male voice: All your favorite Star Wars heroes and villains.

Kid: I have Rey and Finn.

Kyle: I have three of each. One to display, one to open and one just in case.

Kid: Why?

Male voice: Nonstop Star Wars action. Like Chewbacca with a clip-on forest armor.

Kid: Time to suit up!

[Taran stops the id]

Taran: Or, just look at it! Radical!

Male voice: Launch into hyper-space with Battle Action Millennial Falcon with real movie sounds.

Bobby:  It’s completely movie accurate! [A kid is playing with his ship] No, what are you doing? [He takes the ship toy back and shows the kid] That’s not how it lands. It goes [making sound of ship] pssssss, arrrrrr, khssssssss, phssss, phssss.

Male voice: You control the force. You control the action.

[A kid is hitting two figures on each other]

Kyle: They don’t fight like that.

Kid: Yeah, just lid Dug Vador.

Kyle: [angry] Dug Vador?

Male voice: The power is in your hand.

[Taran is playing the toy while a kid is watching him]

Kid: Does your wife like toys too?

Male voice: Collect them all and the fun never stops.

[Bobby is cleaning his action figure to put it on the shelf for show, while three kids are watching him do that.]

Bobby: Awesome!

Male voice: Start Wars: The Force Awakens action figures. Each sold separately for children and adult collectors.

Kids: Star Wars!

[All the adults run in with their toys]

Adults: May force be with you!

[The End]

Brother 2 Brother: Wrestling Match

Matty… Chris Hemsworth

Mark… Taran Killam

Coach… Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Pete Davidson

Jon Rudnitsky

[Starts with Disney Channel intro]

Female voice: You’re watching Disney Channel. [A girl and a gold fish as her dad appears] Later, Trish flushes her dad down the toilet on the season finale of My Dad, The Fish. But first, it’s time for a brand new episode of ‘Brother 2 Brother’.

[Brother 2 brother intro]

Intro song: It’s Brother 2 Brother
who are there for each other
in every possible way-ay-ay
through thick and through thin
Akalama twin
to help you get through the day-ey
Okay!

[Cut to Matty and Marky in school. They are wearing identical clothes and have same blonde hair.]

Matty: Mark, there you are. I’ve been looking everywhere for you.

Marky: What’s going on, Matty? Everything, a-okay?

Matty: No, everything’s F-not okay. I have the big wrestling meet tonight and I’m nervous I’m gonna beef it.

Marky: But you’re the best wrestler in this state.

Matty: And the biggest worry word.

Matty and Marky: Oh, brothers!

Matty: I have an idea. Let’s switch places. You wrestle for me and in exchange I’ll do your chores for a whole week.

Marky: Um, even the dishes?

Matty: Of course!

Marky: Even giving daddy his massage?

Matty: I promise.

Marky: Then it’s a deal.

Matty and Marky: A twin deal.

[Cut to the wrestling coach giving prep talk to the wrestlers]

Coach: Alright team, focus up. The big wrestling meet is today and everything’s on the line. So, remember what I taught you. Don’t let them pin you, you’ve gotta pin them. Hey, wait! Where’s our star wrestler Matty?

[Marky runs in on wrestling outfit]

Marky: Here I am coach. I’m here ready to wrestle and win, coz I’m Matty, your star wrestler Matty. That’s me. [winks]

Coach: You’re not Matty. You’re Marky. Matty is like, may bigger and has way more muscles. And I wanna say he’s not as pale. Plus he has that hard deep ravine thing between his packs. You know, when you’re packs are so huge, you get that ravine. You don’t really have that. You just sort of have like hairy flatness up here.

[Marky is feeling embarrassed]

Marky: Well, looks like the jig is up.

Coach: Plus your arms are sort of hanging to your sides like that. Matty’s arms are much bigger and they’re pushed out coz of all muscles he has like, right here. [showing the back] You don’t really have muscles here. You just have like, soft clumps of skin.

Marky: Oh-oh! Looks like the jig–

Coach: Also, when Matty sweats [Marky looks very embarrassed] he gets like, be the sweat. It just sort of rolls slowly down his stomach. But I think your stomach just sort of gets wet in circle.

Marky: Yeah, I know.

[Cut to Kyle in the wrestling squad raising his hand]

Kyle: Coach! I have one.

Coach: Yea, great, go ahead Tommy.

Kyle: Ya, I noticed in the shower that Marky, you have like a thick coat of hair on your feet and Matty doesn’t have that.

[Cut to Marky and Coach]

Coach: You’re right. Good call. Matty’s feet are great. They actually look more like hands in your hand zoo.

Marky: No, that’s specific, coach. I guess–

[Cut to Pete in the wrestling squad raising his hand]

Pete: Also, Matty has a bigger and more muscular butt.

[Cut to Marky]

Marky: Okay!

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: But like, your butt has a bigger, I wanna say, crack?

[Cut to Marky and Coach]

Marky: Yeah, that’s enough. I guess, the jig is up. Matty, come on out.

[Matty walks in. He’s also wearing the wrestling outfit.]

Matty: Hi coach. It’s me, the real Matty.

Coach: No doubt.

Matty: I’m sorry we lied. Lying is bad.

Coach: Just promise me you’ll never try this again.

Marky: We sure won’t. Because we learned our twin lesson.

Coach: No, no, I mean don’t try it again coz it won’t work. I mean, look at you. The two of you side by side right now, it’s insane. I mean, Marky, stand behind Matty I bet you’d completely disappear.

Marky: Oh, that’s okay coach. Coz we’ve both learned our twin lesson.

Coach: No, no, just do it. I wanna see it. You stand behind him like that.

[Marky stands behind Matty. He can’t be seen.]

[Cut to the wrestlers]

Kyle: Wow! We can’t even see him Marky.

Jon: You are so much smaller.

[Cut to Matty. Marky is standing behind him.]

Matty: What are you talking about? We’re

[Marky peeks out]

Matty and Marky: Identical twins.

Coach: Okay, yeah. But just look down for a second. You have that deep V thing going on. And you see, Marky, he just sort of has an O. You know? You see, it sort of looks like an O right here, big circle. Marky, I know you can’t be but you look like you’re 10-12 weeks pregnant right now.

Marky: Matty tried to kiss me last night.

Coach: What?

Matty: What?

[Cut to close shot of Marky]

Marky: He didn’t. I tried to kiss him… in his sleep. [sobbing]

[The video stops and credit appears]

[The End]

Should You Chime In On This?

Allen DeGeneres… Kenan Thompson

Connie… Aidy Bryant

Ned… Matthew McConaughey

Tristen… Kyle Mooney

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with GSN video bumper]

Male voice: You’re watching the Game Show Network. Thank you so, so, so much.

[Cut to the game show stage]

Announcer: And now it’s time for unnecessary new game show. Should You Chime In On This? And here’s your host, Allen DeGeneres.

[Allen DeGeneres walks in]

Allen DeGeneres: Yes. I am Allen DeGeneres. I got this job by accident. Now let’s do this. The game is simple. We bring out three idiots and give them hot button issues and ask them, Should You Chime In On This? The answer should always be ‘No’. Okay, let’s meet the idiots.

[Cut to Connie]

Connie: Hi. I am Connie. I used to volunteer at a quilt shop. And then I stopped after they said it wasn’t helpful to have me there. I’ve never traveled and I don’t watch the news but ISIS needs to be stopped and I know how.

[Cut to Ned]

Ned: Hi. I’m Ned Ferbach. And I want to be heard. So, I brought 20 of my own microphones. For fun, I like to travel town to town and vote ‘No’ on school budgets.

[Cut to Tristen]

Tristen: I’m Tristen. I go to NYU. And I may be white but I’m proud to say I have a friend that’s one of each, except Asian. As for work, I’d like to call myself a political activist but I can’t because I’m a waiter.

[Cut to Allen DeGeneres looking speechless]

Allen DeGeneres: You see? Idiots! Okay, Connie, you are first. Your issue is the Syrian refugee crisis.

[Cut to Connie]

Connie: Okay. Perfect.

[Cut to Allen DeGeneres]

Allen DeGeneres: Do you know anything about it?

[Cut to Connie]

Connie: Ha- I do not.

[Cut to Allen DeGeneres]

Allen DeGeneres: Have you read anything about it?

[Cut to Connie]

Connie: I have not and I barely can read.

[Cut to Allen DeGeneres]

Allen DeGeneres: And when did you first learn that Syria was a country?\

[Cut to Connie]

Connie: Just this morning.

[Cut to Allen DeGeneres]

Allen DeGeneres: Okay, great! So with that in mind, here is your question about this very complicated crisis. Should you, Connie, chime in on this?

[Cut to Connie]

Connie: Yes, I absolutely should. Now, what they need to do is–

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Allen DeGeneres]

Allen DeGeneres: No! No, Connie! You are not equipped in here. [pointing the brain] Alright Ned, you’re up. [Cut to Ned] Your issue is that Charlie Sheen has HIV. Should you chime in on this?

Ned: Hmm… This is tough.

[Cut to Allen DeGeneres]

Allen DeGeneres: No, it’s not.

[Cut to Ned]

Ned: Well, on the other hand, that is a personal, private health matter for someone that I do not personally know. But on the other hand, I have a mouth that can talk. So yes, I should chime on this. HIV was invented–

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Allen DeGeneres]

Allen DeGeneres: No. Ned, no!

[Cut to Tristen]

Tristen: Hey, Tristen here. I’d like to say that I get this game and I’m ready to just answer no.

[Cut to Allen DeGeneres]

Allen DeGeneres: Oh, my god! Finally. Well Tristen, your issue is women’s reproductive rights. Should you chime in on this?

[Cut to Tristen]

Tristen: No. [looks around proudly]

[Cut to Allen DeGeneres]

Allen DeGeneres: Oh, okay!

[Cut to Tristen]

Tristen: And the reason I said no coz we as a society need to spend more time listening and less time talking.

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Allen DeGeneres]

Allen DeGeneres: Oh, Tristen, no! That was a sneak attack chime. That’s the worst chime of all. Alright, it’s time for the photo round. This is a woman breastfeeding in a coffee shop. [A woman breastfeeding her baby appears on the screen] Connie, should you chime in on this? Hint, the answer is no.

[Cut to Connie]

Connie: Hmm, let me think. Do I know this woman?

[Cut to Allen DeGeneres]

Allen DeGeneres: No.

[Cut to Connie]

Connie: Does this affect me in any way?

[Cut to Allen DeGeneres]

Allen DeGeneres: No.

[Cut to Connie]

Connie: But am I near my computer?

[Cut to Allen DeGeneres]

Allen DeGeneres: Yes.

[Cut to Connie]

Connie: Then yes, I chime in. The bare nipple has no place in a–

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Allen DeGeneres]

Allen DeGeneres: Oh, shut up, Connie! What gives you the confidence to keep chiming in?

[Cut to Ned]

Ned: Well Allen, for me it’s my long brown braid. [pulling his long braid forward] Coz if you have one of these, you’ve got to chime in.

[Cut to Allen DeGeneres looking disgusted]

Allen DeGeneres: Ew! I didn’t even see that back there. Well okay Ned, here is your photo. [A picture of a woman holding a football appears on the screen] This 15 year old just became the first girl on her high school’s football team. Should you chime in on this?

[Cut to Ned]

Ned: Hmm… I’m not connected to that school in anyway, but I do have this big long braid. So yes, I am going to chime in. Female bones are not–

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Allen DeGeneres]

Allen DeGeneres: No. Wrong, Ned! So wrong.

[Cut to Ned]

Ned: Well, you didn’t let me finish.

[Cut to Allen DeGeneres]

Allen DeGeneres: Oh, okay. Go ahead.

[Cut to Ned]

Ned: In conclusion, all lives matter.

[emergency siren goes off]

[Cut to Allen DeGeneres]

Allen DeGeneres: And there it is, the all lives matter siren. Somebody always says it. Well I guess that means we skip to our final round. We’re gonna put some time on the clock and bring out a special guest. And all you have to do is not chime in and you’ll win $100,000. Okay, here’s the special guest.

[Cut to everyone. Hillary Clinton walks in.]

Hillary Clinton: Hi, I’m Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Allen DeGeneres: Okay, let’s put one second on the clock! Don’t talk for one second. And go!

[Cut to the contestants. They all make hate comments on Hillary Clinton.]

[Wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Allen DeGeneres and Hillary Clinton]

Allen DeGeneres: They couldn’t even do it for a second. Well this has been Should You Chime In On This. I am Allen DeGeneres saying everybody, shut the hell up.

[The End]

Finding Pain for Blues

Willan Odos Emore… Kenan Thompson

Joe Frowning Mou Dickson… Jay Pharoah

Toothpick Joe… Kyle Mooney

Adoly Wolf… Leslie Jones

Hallen Bobby Wallis… Matthew McConaughey

[Starts with a band playing at Charlie’s Blues Shack]

Willan: [singing] Well I’ve been so sad and lonely
since my cheating lady up and diedsaid I got the blues

Thank you! Thank you very much. Yeah, that was about my pig wife Luwain. She’s up in heaven hanging out with my dog and I’m down here with diabetes. My name is Willan Odis Emore. And joining me on the keys from New Orleans is Joe Frowning Mou Dickson. He finished building his first house one day before Katrina. What’s up, Joe?

[Cut to Dickson]

Dickson: My life is a living hell Odis.

[Cut to Willan]

Willan: Mine too. On the harmonica, his delivery doctor was drunk, left three extra inches of umbilical. It’s Toothpick Joe. How you doing Joe?

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: Real bad, Odis. Real bad.

[Cut to Willan]

Willan: Well, alright. And on the drums, we got Ms. Adoly Wolf. She’s blind and a bat.

[Cut to Adoly]

Adoly: And drunk as a skunk.

[Cut to Willan]

Willan: You got to be. Alright, I almost forgot. We got a special guest all the way from San Francisco. It’s his first time at the Shack, Mr. Hallen Bobby Wallis.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Wa-hah! Well, thank you for letting me jam with y’all. You mind if I sing with you on the next one?

[Cut to the band]

Willan: Ay, as long as you got the blues my brother. Let’s rock out of 12 bar.

[band start playing]

[singing] Well I told my troubles to god
god said he didn’t like me
I guess that’s why my day job
is picking pores in IV

[cut to Bobby]

Bobby: [singing] I got a mean case of the blues
and it tearing me up inside
I got a bad haircut
and I don’t wanna go outside

[Other band members are looking at Bobby disappointed]

Right on.

[Cut to Willan]

Willan: What? He said a bad haircut?

Bobby: You know.

Willan: Alright, I guess we’re warming up then.

[singing] Well the mob wants me dead
I guess I ran out of luck
they put a bounty on my head
it’s for 35 bucks

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: [singing] Yeah, I took a cab down to the airport
the driver said have a good flight
I said you too
and it’s been bugging me all night

Willan: Well I got rats in my bed
mice in my shoes

Bobby: My fantasy football team sucks

Willan: Okay, you know, let’s just take a pause. [Cut to Willan and Bobby] Let’s take a pause here. Bobby, you know the blues is about heart ache. You gotta bleed.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I hear you now. I hear you now. That’s a good feedback. Yeah, keep it painful. Yeah.

[Cut to the band]

Willan: Okay, good. Let’s hit it.

[singing] Well my true love she done left me
left me for my dad
now neither of them love me
and they were all I had

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Well my lady left me too
thought I’d never see her again
but later we reconnected
now she’s my wife and my best friend
Oh!

[Cut to Willan and Bobby]

Willan: Man. Come on, man! That ain’t the blues. You got to sing some sad stuff like I’ve been singing about.

Bobby: Right, right, right. Okay. Just like you.

Willan: Yeah.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Here we go.

[singing] Well I’m an old black guy
I’m wearing a hat
I’m so old and black
I am black, I am black, I am black

[Cut to Willan]

Willan: No! Not right!

Bobby: What do you mean?

Willan: You know what? Somebody else talk to this man before I lose my lunch which by the way was just corn.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: Bobby, find that real pain deep down. Just tell an honest story brother. And now chill on this.

[Joe starts playing his instrument]

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Right, right, right. Okay, okay, okay. Honest story. Here we go.

[singing] Well I used to work at Facebook
but I quit and sold my shares
now I’m suicidal
all my friends are billionaires

Willan: For real?

Bobby: Oh, yeah man. I got the blues.

Willan: Ha-ha. That sucks. But I guess now you got the blues, baby.

[Cut to the band]

I say now you got the blues
you got the blues
you got the blues

[The End]

Weekend Update Bruce Chandling about Relationships

Michael Che

Bruce Chandling

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: As temperatures drop, single people are trying to lock down relationships to help get them through the winter. Here with his unique take on the subject is the guy that I’ve been seeing around the clubs and colleges, all over the place, veteran New York stand up comic, Bruce Chandling.

[Bruce Chandling slides in]

Bruce Chandling: Hi. Michael, so good to be here. I gotta say, you look good… for once. Seriously, I gotta put it all out on table tonight. [Cut to Bruce Chandling] I really do. And you know, people trying to keep me from speaking my mind. But I’m sorry yo! Somebody gotta tell it like it is. I do not get women.

[Cut to Bruce Chandling and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Okay.

Bruce Chandling: Right? Coz the thing about women is they’re always asking so many questions. You notice this? You seen this? [Cut to Bruce Chandling] Right? Where you going Bruce? Where you’ve been? What happened to all the stuff in the refrigerator? Pretty soon I start to think am I dating a girl or am I dating a pop quiz?

[Cut to Bruce Chandling and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright, thanks for stopping by, Bruce. That was pretty good, man.

Bruce Chandling: And.. and.. the dates these girls wanna go on, it’s like, are you serious? [Cut to Bruce Chandling] It’s always, “Oh, take me to dance club. I love to dance.” But it’s like, yo, face it Michael, guys do not dance!

[Cut to Bruce Chandling and Michael Che]

Michael Che: What?

Bruce Chandling: Ay! The only move we know how to do is the slide… the bowl of chips closer to us and twist… open the chili cheese dip.

Michael Che: So this is what you wanted to say on TV?

[Cut to Bruce Chandling]

Bruce Chandling: Ay! Right on, daddio! You see, guys just make sense. With girls it’s always, “Oh, I wanna settle down. Let’s be in a relationship.” Then then when you finally say, “Okay, you’re my girlfriend”, then they go fool around with one of your closest friends? It’s like why can’t they be with just one guy?

[Bruce Chandling looking very sad.]

[Cut to Bruce Chandling and Michael Che. Michael Che is looking at Bruce Chandling very concerned.]

Michael Che: Ay, Bruce, is everything okay?

[Cut to Bruce Chandling]

Bruce Chandling: What’s the matter? Whenever you try to get a hold of a girl, she’s always “At soccer practice”.

[Cut to Bruce Chandling and Michael Che]

Michael Che: What do you mean?

Bruce Chandling: Or if it’s not that, she is too busy planning the senior prank.

Michael Che: Oh! Hold on, dude!

Bruce Chandling: It’s just a thing that all women do these days.

Michael Che: Ay, Bruce, it sounds like your girlfriend might be a high school.

[Cut to Bruce Chandling]

Bruce Chandling: [laughing] No. [thinking for a long time] Oh, no. Ay, no, coz she looks like a… That makes sense. Guess I was meant to be alone. I mean that’s what I’m best at, right?

[Cut to Bruce Chandling and Michael Che]

Michael Che: oh, come on Bruce! I’m sure that plenty of women out there that are your own age that would love to be with you.

[Cut to Bruce Chandling]

Bruce Chandling: Maybe right. Only problem is, I do not get… Women!

[Cut to Bruce Chandling and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Bruce Chandling, everybody!