Tag: Kyle Mooney

Game Of Thrones FIRST LOOK

Randy… Bobby Moynihan

Director… Jon Rusnitsky

Peter Dinklage

Emilia Clarke… Kate McKinnon

Joe Leuci… Kyle Mooney

Iain Glen… Taran Killam

[Starts with shooting set of Game of Thrones]

[Cut to Peter and Emilia]

Peter: Hi HBO. I’m Peter Dinklage, A.K.A. Tyrion Lannister.

Emilia: And I’m Emilia Clarke, A.K.A. Daenerys Targarian, mother of dragons. And this is your first look at Game of Thrones, season 6.

Peter: Season 6 finds Tyrion in the service of Daenerys Targarian. And that means I finally get some screen time with those scene stealers, the dragons.

[Cut to the shooting]

Director: Action!

Peter: Citizens!

[Randy come in with dragon costume on making dragon noises]

Citizens, do not be alarmed, citizens. He is our friend. Drogon is here to protect you.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: Well, the Mov-Cap technology allows the director to see the finished product as we’re shooting in real time which is pretty phenomenal.

[Cut to shooting]

Peter: Well, he didn’t inherit your looks but he certainly has your temper.

Director: Good job Peter. Why don’t we just do that once more.

[Randy is staring at Peter]

Peter: What are you doing?

Randy: I was just being intense.

Peter: You’re looking at my face.

Randy: Oh, okay. I’ll close my eyes.

[Cut to Iain Glen]

Iain: Season 6, they’ve really pulled all the the stops. I mean, some of these effects they’re doing are just truly incredible.

[Randy is spitting out water for the fire effect]

I’ve seen really unbelievable stuffs.

[Cut to shooting]

It would be wise to trade lightly with me, boy. War is not a game.

[Randy uncovers his fave behind Iain]

Randy: Of Thrones!

Director: Okay, cut! Randy.

Randy: Yeah.

Director: I think I just heard you say something.

Randy: Nope. I didn’t say anything.

Director: You said “Of thrones” after he said–

Randy: Check the playback. I didn’t say a word.

[Cut to Iain]

Iain: Season 6 has a lot of surprises in store. It’s bigger, better, bloodier.

[Cut to Randy during the shoot]

Randy: Hey, are we gonna get a bathroom break anytime soon? I gotta… bust a piss.

Director: It takes like, half hour to get you in and out of that suit. You think you can hold it for a bit?

Randy: Yea, no sweat.

Director: Cool. Great.

[Cut to Emilia. Behind her, Randy is drying his suit as he pissed on them.]

Emilia: This season– I can’t say too much without getting in trouble but let’s just say that Daenerys finds herself rather conflicted between two different good–

[Cut to shooting]

You’ll only bring pain to this kingdom Drogo. You have to go.]

[Randy makes dragon sound and then opens the door and walks out]

Director: Okay. Halt. Come back. A dragon wouldn’t just open the door. You just exit frame, okay?

Randy: I can’t hear you but I was gonna say a dragon shouldn’t go through the door. I’m just gonna exit frame, okay?

[Cut to the set]

Iain: Here we are. We’re currently setting up for the pivotal moment where Daenerys leads a dragon into battle for the first time.

[They’re pulling Randy upward]

Randy: Ou! Ou! Ou! I’m sorry. Ou!

Director: Put him down.

Randy: No, it’s pinching it.

Director: Are you okay?

Randy: Wait! Stop, stop, stop. Don’t. Don’t.

Director: Why don’t we just bring you down?

Randy: Just leave me. I need a minute.

[Cut to clips from Game of Thrones]

Peter: Thank you for watching HBO first look. And remember, it’s..

[Randy walks in]

Randy: It’s Game of Thrones.

Peter: HBO.

Randy: HBO.

[Cut to the set. Randy is hanging and there’s a man who is cutting the ropes loose.]

Wait, what is that for? No, wait. Wait. Wait.

[Randy falls flat on the ground]

[The End]

Family Feud

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Jennifer Lawrence… Ariana Grande

Tilds Swinton… Kate McKinnon

Javier Bardem… Beck Bennett

Idris Elba… Jay Pharoah

Quentin Tarantino… Taran Killam

Martin Scorsese… Jon Rudnitsky

Woody Allen… Kyle Mooney

Kevin Smith… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Family Feud intro]

Male voice: It’s time to play Family Feud celebrity edition. Here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Steve Harvey walks to the stage]

Steve Harvey: Yeah, okay. Okay now, welcome to celebrity Family Feud. This is one of our four different day time shows at I host. Every one of them is playing right now in that little TV that you can watch while you’re pumping your gas. Alright, today we got great actors versus great directors. Okay, on the actors side talks like a man but PH balance for a woman is Jennifer Lawrence.

[Cut to Jennifer Lawrence]

Jennifer Lawrence: They told me not to do game show but I was like, “Screw it. I can have fun. I’m a regular person.”

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You know, you say you’re a regular person more than any regular person I know. Alright next, she’s one of the top actresses in all of outer space, Tilds Swinton.

[Cut to Tilds Swinton]

Tilds Swinton: I want a Mafter, that’s a bafter they give on moon.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, whatever you say David boy. Alright, next from no country for old men, say hello to Javier Bardem.

[Cut to Javier Bardem]

Javier Bardem: It is a wonderful thing to play this game. I am very aroused by competiton.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh. Oh, you spicy little pot of pie, ain’t you? Okay, and finally, I don’t know if I’ve ever heard of this person. But he was in a movie called ‘Beast of no nation’. Let me try to pronounce this right. Mellis Dellis.

[Cut to Idris Elba]

Idris Elba: Um, actually the name is Idris Elba mite. You know, I’ve been around.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Ay, it’s all clicks and buzzes, player. Let’s go to the directors side. He’s a maniac who has made some of my favorite movies, Quentin Tarantino.

[Cut to Quentin Tarantino]

Quentin Tarantino: Yeah, hey, thanks Steve. Yeah. You know, this is good. It’s sort of like spaghetti western, right? But there’s surprises at the end.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Ay, take it down player. For us, it’s 10 in the morning, but for you it’s day three. Okay, next we got the director of Raging Bull and Goodfellas, Martin Scorsese.

[Cut to Martin Scorsese]

Martin Scorsese: Great to be here, Steve. Really, really great. Love the suit. Classic styling. I love it. I love it.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Hey, I’m a big fan of your work. I loved you as the grandfather in Up. Next, you know him from Hannah and her sisters, and that whole thing where he went on head to merit his daughter. Woody Allen.

[Cut to Woody Allen]

Woody Allen: Thank you Steve. And while I appreciate your comprehensive introduction, what’s past is past. Both parties– Let’s move on.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Whatever you say Big Love. And finally, from Jay and Silent Bob, it’s Kevin Smith.

[Cut to Kevin Smith]

Kevin Smith: Hello folks, it’s the fat man on Batman. Thanks for having me on the podcast, Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Podcast? Are you high right now?

[Cut to Kevin Smith]

Kevin Smith: Oh, hell yeah!

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, well, okay then player. I’ll meet you at the parking lot after the show. Well, give me two players. Let’s play the feud.

[Steve Harvey walks to the game stage and Jennifer Lawrence and Quentin Tarantino follow him]

How are you all feeling?

Jennifer Lawrence: Pretty good, man.

Quentin Tarantino: Yeah, really great. Really great. I think great man!

Steve Harvey: You know, you two look like you should switch voices. Alright, 100 people surveyed, top five answers on the board. Name a bad habit that you just can’t quit.

[Jennifer Lawrence presses the buzzer]

Jennifer.

Jennifer Lawrence: I’m just like it’s an alcoholic. I mean, I love Pringles. If no one’s looking, I’ll eat like, a whole can. Like, everyday is my cheat day. You know what I mean?

Steve Harvey: Oh, how annoyingly relate-able. Show me another pretty girl says she likes to eat.

[The game board shows ‘Snacks’]

[right answer bell]

Oh, number one, it’s up there. Alright, let’s go to the actors side. Okay, Tilds Swinton, what’s a bad habit you just can’t quit?

Tilds Swinton: Feasting on the blood of innocent. I’m kidding. Cookies.

Steve Harvey: Oh, you a curious little woodpecker. Show me, vampires got to feed.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Oh! Not there. Javier Bardem, bad habit you just can’t quit.

Javier Bardem: Ha-ha-ha. This one is very obvious, you know? Beautiful women.

Steve Harvey: Oh, you a hopeless romantic, huh?

Javier Bardem: Yeah.

Steve Harvey: Show me, gotta get that ass!

[wrong answer buzzer]

I’m sorry player. Let’s go over to black Jason Statham, a bad habit you just can’t quit.

Idris Elba: I don’t know, mite. You know, gotta stop running around the pubs, you know? Caught down a bit. That’s shit, blood. You know?

Steve Harvey: Might as well be under water. Show me something that might be England.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Yeah, I didn’t think so. Alright, the directors with the chance to steal. A bad habit you just can’t quit.

Kevin Smith: Podcast!

[the directors are saying their answer cross-talking]

Steve Harvey: Okay, all good answers. But Quentin Tarantino, it’s up to you.

Quentin Tarantino: Well, there’s so many possibilities here, right Steve? I mean, but the thing is you can’t look at the possibilities man. You have to look at your own unique reality. So, for me, that’s like trying for perfection every time, man! do you get that Steve? Do you get what I’m saying?

Steve Harvey: Oh, I hear you player. Yeah I know what you’re exactly trying to say. Show me cocaine.

[The game board shows ‘Drugs’]

[right answer bell]

Oh! Well, I guess drugs are the answer. The directors win like always. We’re gonna take a break. When we come back, I’ll give you a sneak preview of my new show that I’m hosting where kids fight each other on the stage. We’ll see y’all in a minute.

Voters For Trump ad

Taran Killam

Vanessa Bayer

Bobby Moynihan

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with video clips of country areas]

Female voice: The media has been saying some pretty negative things about Donald Trump. But what are real American’s saying?

Taran: The guy is a winner..

Vanessa: He is authentic.

Bobby: He’s the only one who has actually created jobs.

Aidy: He literally wrote the book on negotiating.

Beck: Trump’s an outsider. Washington needs that.

Kyle: I think he can make this country great again.

Female voice: So, when people ask why you support Donald Trump, you just tell them…

Taran: He’s gonna take our economy from here to here. [Taran has a Nazi band on his arm] And I like that.

Vanessa: [ironing her clothes] He’s not some cautious politician. He says what I’m thinking. [when Vanessa turns her cloth over, it’s a KKK robe.]

Bobby: [painting on a house] I don’t know what it is. I just like the guy. [Bobby climbs down the ladder. He had painted ‘White Power’ on a house.]

Aidy: Some of his ideas seem a little out there, but I like that he’s looking towards solutions. [Aidy has a lot of bulletin board notes over Muslims]

Beck: [sitting before the fireplace] He’s definitely not PC. [He throws books to burn the fire]

Kyle: [carrying logs] So, why do I support Trump? Three words. Good at business. [There are three KKKs dancing behind Kyle]

Female voice: A message from Racists for Donald Trump.

Jonah Hill Monologue

Jonah Hill

Kyle Mooney

Future

Jay Pharoah

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Jonah Hill.

[Jonah Hill walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Jonah Hill: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I’ve had such a crazy year. Wow. So much happened. I had a starring role in the ‘Hail, Caesar!’… trailer. What else? I saw Deadpool opening day. Oh, thank god! A question.

[Cut to Kyle in the audience]

Kyle: Hey, Jonah. Medium fan here. I notice you haven’t starred in a movie in a long time.

[Cut to Jonah Hill]

Jonah Hill: Well, first of all, crazy roots. Second of all, that’s not really a question, Kyle.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Okay, here’s a question. What’s it like being a movie star? I mean, can you ask one of your friends?

[Cut to Jonah Hill]

Jonah Hill: Ah! It’s really funny, Kyle. I love you videos that you make. They remind me of how much I miss Andy Samberg.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: [yelling] Yeah, I miss your career!

[Cut to Jonah Hill]

Jonah Hill: I hate you so much, Kyle. Anyway, this is my fourth time hosting. So–[cheers and applause] Crazy. So, I thought I’d mix it up and we have an amazing musical guest tonight. Future! I’m such a big fan of Future. I figure I’m such a big fan of Future, let’s forget the monologue and just kick things off with a musical performance by Future featuring Drake.

[Future walks in]

Future: Drake is not here, man!

Jonah Hill: Oh, he’s not? I guess I could do it.

[Jay walks in]

Jay: Oh, no, no. I’ll do it. I’ll do it.

Jonah Hill: Get out of here. Get out of here, Jay. Nobody wants to see that. Anyway, Futs, you were insisting I should do Drake’s part?

Future: I never days that.

Jonah Hill: I guess I do know it. But… we’re gonna do this little rap. I just have one question.

Future: No, you can’t say any of the ‘N’ words.

Jonah Hill: No, of course not. I wouldn’t dream of them. I never sing them.

Future: Even when you’re alone.

Jonah Hill: Let’s do this. Jump man.

[music playing]

[Future start dancing]

[rapping] Yeah
Halloween
Taliban, Taliban
Jumpman, Jumpman, Jumpman, them boys up to something
I just found my tempo like I’m DJ mustard
Lobster and celine for all my babies that I miss
Chicken fingers, french fries for them hoes that wanna diss
Jumpman, Jumpman, Jumpman, Jumpman, Jumpman, Jumpman,
Uh, uh, uh think I need some Robitussin

Future: Jumpman, Jumpman, Jumpman
Jumpman, Jumpman, Jumpman
I just seen the jet take off they up to something

Jonah Hill: We got a great show for you tonight. Future is here.

Future: Them boys just not bluffing them boys just not bluffing
Jumpman, Jumpman, Jumpman, them boys up to something

The Day Beyonce Turned Black

Aidy Bryant

Kyle Mooney

Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Bobby Moynihan

Amy… Vanessa Bayer

Sasheer Zamata

Jay Pharoah

Kate McKinnon

Leslie Jones

Michael Che

[Starts with video clips of white people in their daily lives]

Male voice: For white people, it was just another great week. They never saw it coming.  They had no warning. Then, the day before the Super Bowl… it happened.

[Cut to news reports about Beyonce’s new music video release]

Female news anchor: Beyonce released a new music video that embraces her black heritage.

Male news anchor: Beyonce video is un-apologetically black.

Female news anchor: Tribute to the black lives matter movement. This is black like never before.

[Terra is watching the news and is terrified]

Terra: Honey, get in here.

[Kyle runs in]

Kyle: What is it? What’s wrong?

Terra: I think Beyonce… is black.

Male voice: The day Beyonce turned black.

[Cut to Cecily in her office]

Cecily: Guys, I don’t understand this new song.

Beck: Hot sauce in my bag swag? What does that mean?

Bobby: Maybe the song isn’t for us.

Cecily: [panicking] But usually everything is!

[Cut to the street at chaos]

Male voice: It was the day that shook the whole white world.

[Amy and Sasheer are looking at the chaos]

Amy: We have to go. We have to leave America. Beyonce is black.

Sasheer: Amy, I am black.

Amy: What? No, you’re not. You’re like, my girl.

Sasheer: Yeah, but I can still be black. There’s black people all over the world. That guys is black.

[Amy and Sasheer looks at Jay Pharoah]

Amy: Of course, I know he is black.

[Cut to public in Time Square]

Kate: Beyonce is black? What about single ladies?

Kenan: She was black in that.

Kate: What about Irreplaceable?

Kenan: She was black in that too.

Kate: What about the Pink Panther movie?

Kenan: Okay, yes. She was white in that.

Male voice: It was the day white people lost their Beyonce.

[Cut to news report]

Male news reporter: Getting word now that Beyonce isn’t the only black celebrity. Some are saying Kerry Washington may also be black.

Cecily: No, it can’t be. She’s not ABC.

Beck: I don’t understand. How can they be black? They are women!

Bobby: I think they might be both.

Beck: [screaming] Both? No!

[Cut to Jay and Michael looking at white people go crazy]

Jay: So, what’s going on out there?

Michael: New Beyonce video.

Jay: Oh!

Male voice: It was the day they lost their damn white minds.

[Terra is walking towards her daughter. Her daughter is looking out the window.]

Terra: Honey. What are you listening to?

Daughter: The new Beyonce song.

[Her daughter turns around. She is black too.]

I really like it.

Terra: Oh, god! You’re black too?

[Cut to Leslie standing behind Terra]

Leslie: Terra! That is my daughter. Your daughter is over there.

[Terra’s daughter is reading a book on the bed. She is white.]

Remember? You invited us for play day?

Terra: Oh, that’s right. Thank god.

Leslie: Thank god? Really?

Male voice: The day Beyonce turned black. Rated NC-17 for white people and G for black people.

[Cut to a white kid]

Kid: Mommy, is Taylor Swift still white?

Kate: I don’t know sweetheart. Just close your eyes and it will be over in the morning.

[As her son sleeps, Kate is attempting to kill her son by suffocating him under a pillow.]

[The End]

Singing on Primaries

Taran Killam

Aidy Bryant

Vanessa Bayer

Kyle Mooney

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

Bill Clinton… Darrell Hammond

Jeb Bush… Beck Bennett

[Starts with four people having meal at a restaurant]

Taran: Oh, my god. Have you guys been watching the Primaries?

Aidy: Ah, yes. Hillary got her butt kicked in New Hampshire.

Vanessa: I know. But we’re all still voting for her right?

All: Oh, yeah. Totally.

Vanessa: Cool. Me too. Except, I think I’m voting for Bernie.

Kyle: What? But yeah, me too.

Taran and Aidy: You are? But so are we.

Vanessa:  mean, Hillary is the most qualified candidate in history but at the same time, ay!

Taran: Yeah. I mean, Hillary has every single thing I want in the president, but…

All: She’s no Bernie.

[music playing]

[Cut to Hillary Clinton on a flower swing]

Hillary Clinton: [singing] Turn down the lights
turn down the bay
turn down these voices
inside my head

Lay down with me
tell me no lies
just hold me close
don’t personalize

[Cut to Taran and Aidy]

Aidy: I mean, I like Hillary’s foreign policy experience, but I love Bernie’s whole vibe.

Taran: I’m obsessed with his vibe.

[Hillary Clinton walks behind them]

Hillary Clinton: Coz I can’t make you love me if you don’t

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Kyle: Bernie is the best.

[Hillary Clinton walks behind them]

Hillary Clinton: I can’t make your heart feel something it wont

Vanessa: Bernie is change.

Hillary Clinton: Here in the dark

[Cut to everybody. Hillary Clinton is singing and dancing.]

at this fine hour
I will lay down my heart
and I’ll feel the power
with you

Aidy: I like when Bernie yells.

Hillary Clinton: I love you.

Aidy: But not when Hillary does.

Hillary Clinton: Coz I can’t make you love me
If you don’t

[Hillary Clinton walks away]

Vanessa: Wow, did anybody else just get so cold for a minute?

Kyle: I felt cold, but safe.

[Cecily walks in]

Cecily: Hey you guys, I’m sorry I’m late.

Taran: h, that’s okay. We were just talking about whether or not vote for Hillary.

Cecily: Oh, I definitely am. Coz they basically said it’s my feminist duty.

Aidy: Well, actually that’s not right. True feminism is looking at both candidates equally regardless of gender.

Cecily: Oh! Well, if they really do that I pick Bernie.

Kyle: Me too. Hillary is just too establishment.

Vanessa: Yeah. And Bernie is an outsider who has only been in congress for 30 years.

All: Yes, he’s the best.

[music playing]

[Hillary Clinton come in sitting on a piano. Bill Clinton is playing the piano.]

Hillary Clinton: [singing] I can’t make you love me if you don’t

Bill Clinton: Please. Please just look.

Hillary Clinton: I can’t make your heart feel something it wont

Bill Clinton: Like her from my side.

Hillary Clinton: Here in the dark in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I’ll feel the power

Bill Clinton: Oh boy. Guess what, I’m not even playing this thing. [he means he’s not playing the piano]

Hillary Clinton: I can’t you love me if you don’t

[Hillary Clinton and Bill Clinton slide out with the piano]

[Cut to everybody]

Taran: You guys, I will say one thing about Hillary. She is way better than any of those republican nominees.

Vanessa: Oh, that’s for sure. Except, I do like Jeb Bush.

All: You do?

Vanessa: No, I’m kidding. Who likes Jeb Bush?

[everybody laughing]

[music playing]

[Jeb Bush comes out of the table behind everbody]

Jeb Bush: [singing] Coz I can’t make you love me if you don’t
coz I can’t make your heart feel something it wont
Deep in the dark–

Kyle: Excuse me! I’m sorry. Are you Jeb Bush?

Jeb Bush: Wait, what? You can see me?

Vanessa: I mean, yeah. You just stood up out of that table. How long were you waiting down there for?

Jeb Bush: But I was just– I was doing what Hillary did. You know? With the other ones? Coz she and I are both big losers.

Cecily: Oh! No, no. You two aren’t the same. Hillary may have lost New Hampshire but she is still pulling way ahead in the south.

Aidy: Yeah. I have a ton of friends there and they all love her.

[Hillary Clinton comes out of another table with an electric guitar]

Hillary Clinton: Now that’s my babies! And there is going nowhere!

[plays rock guitar]

I’ll see you in the south

[plays rock guitar]

And live from New York

[plays rock guitar]

It’s Saturday Night!

Pickup Artist

Cecily Strong

Veronica… Sasheer Zamata

Taran Killam

Jay Pharoah

Ronda… Melissa McCarthy

Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Joe… Kate McKinnon

Pete Davidson

Vanessa Bayer

Janice… Leslie Jones

Uncle… Beck Bennett

[Starts with a group of ladies]

Cecily: Alright ladies, now it’s time for your final test. We’re gonna use each of the pickup techniques you’ve learned in my class ‘The Art Of The Pickup’ for the first time in the real world situation. Veronica, you’re up. Now remember, zero in on the guy you like, compliment his friend to make him jealous and then neg him. Say something negative and get him off this game.

[Veronica walks to two guys having beer]

Veronica: Hey, I like your haircut.

Taran: Oh, thanks.

Veronica: But I don’t know about your friend’s shirt. Grey is not your color.

Jay: Ha-ha. What? I’m interested, what is my color?

[Cut to the ladies watching Veronica]

Cecily: Perfect! She said something negative to pick his interest. Ronda, why don’t you give it a try?

Ronda: I’m ready.

[Ronda walks to other two guys having beer]

I like your hair.

Kenan: Oh, thank you.

[Ronda turns to Kyle]

Ronda: And I think you’re a piece of crap and I’ll bash you and I’ll use you.

Kyle: Oh, what?

[Ronda walks back to the ladies]

Ronda: How was that?

Cecily: Okay, that was very bad, Ronda. It was way, way too negative. Alright, let’s try one of our pickup lines. Joe, you’re up. Remember to initiate physical contact.

Joe: Yeah.

[Joe walks to Pete]

Is that a mirror in your pants? Coz I can see myself in them. [puts her hand on Pete’s shoulder.]

Pete: Wow! Cool! So aggressive.

[Cut to the ladies]

Cecily: Alright, that was perfect, guys. Ronda, give another shot?

[Ronda walks back to the guys she talked to earlier]

Ronda: hey, I like your outfit.

Kyle: Thank you.

Ronda: I’d like it better crumpled up on my bedroom floor.

Kyle: Nice.

Ronda: Don’t let it touch my uncle Jessie’s bed. [leaning her body near Kyle’s] I think he’s a serial killer. [she starts licking her palm and rubbing it on Kyle’s mouth]

Kyle: What are you doing? What are you doing? Stop that.

[Ronda kisses Kyle’s chest]

Dude!

Kenan: Are you hitting on us?

Ronda: No. But I’d like to hit your face. [Ronda slaps Kenan’s glass out of his hand]

Cecily: Ronda!

Ronda: Duty calls! [Ronda pushes Kenan and walks to the ladies]

[Cut to the ladies]

Cecily: Okay guys.

Ronda: I think I’m getting it.

Cecily: Now what did Ronda do wrong?

Vanessa: Um, she said her uncle is a serial killer.

Cecily: Yep, she made that tiny fart noise with her mouth.

Ronda: I’d like to just point out now whenever he smells a fart, he’s gonna think of me, dummy!

Cecily: Janice, why don’t you give it a shot?

[Janice walks to the guys Ronda talked to]

Janice: [to Kenan] Do you know what would look good on you?

Kenan: What?

Janice: Me.

Kenan: Damn. Can I buy you a drink?

[Ronda walks in]

Ronda: Let me try. [to Kyle] Do you know what would look good on you?

Kyle: Let me guess, you.

Ronda: No, not me. My uncle. He has a cool haircut.

[Ronda dips her hand on Kyle’s beer and rubs on his face.]

Kyle: Stop! Stop! Oh, my god!

Ronda: Do you think it would be better if I choked you out and hit you in the head with the rock?

[Ronda is choking Kyle]

Kyle: What the hell? Get off me, dude!

[Ronda walks to the ladies]

Ronda: How was that? I initiated physical contact, right?

Cecily: Well Ronda, you choked him.

Ronda: Yeah.

Cecily: Put your fingers in his mouth, and then in your mouth.

Ronda: Yeah, but then I let it go and I showed mercy. So you’re the dumb one.

Cecily: Okay. Well, fine. [To Vanessa] Now, why don’t you show us what you’ve learned. Remember to try and set future plan.

[Vanessa walks to two guys]

Vanessa: Um, hey. Me and my friends have a bet. How much do you think the ball in Time Square weighs? Maybe we should go out on New Year and ask.

Bobby: Oh, that’s cool. I’ve never been to New York except for one serious surgery.

[Cut to Ronda waking into the guys she talked to before again]

Ronda: [to Kyle] Hey, me and my friends have a bet. I hear at prison executions, the victim poops himself on the slab. So, maybe we should go to one together and see if he poops on a slab. And if we make it back and prisoner does indeed poop on the slab, then I will give you $10,000, but if he doesn’t poop then you’ll kiss me at my mouth. But I don’t have the money, so I hope he poops.

[Ronda dips her hand on Kyle’s drink, licks her hand and puts her hand on Kyle’s mouth]

Kyle: Stop! Get off me. Stop that. Please stop that. Stop that. Don’t do that.

Ronda: Oh! Oh! My uncle is here.

[Cut to Uncle]

Uncle: Somebody touched my bed!

[The End]

Golden Globes

Kevin… Adam Driver

Vanessa Bayer

Cody… Kyle Mooney

Madison… Kate McKinnon

Liev Schreiber

[Starts with Kevin and Vanessa receiving the Oscar Award]

Kevin: Dreamworks, this was your vision.

Vanessa: And thank you to Debbie Liberman and the whole team at CAA. And oh, and to this wonderful man beside me. My writing partner and my husband. Kevin, you are my rock.

Kevin: And of course to our two beautiful children, Cody and Madison, mommy and daddy did it!

Vanessa: And if you’re watching this, go to bed.

[Cut to Cody and Madison watching the Oscars on TV]

Cody: You heard mom. We have to go to bed.

Madison: I’m not tired.

[Cody turns off the TV and lights]

[Cody and Madison are brushing teeth]

[Cody and Madison are praying]

Cody: Dear lord. Thank you for giving mommy and daddy a Golden Globe.

Madison: And please watch over us until they get home.

Cody: Amen.

[Cody tucking Madison inside the bed]

Madison: But we didn’t get our story.

Cody: You heard mom. We have to go to bed right now.

[Cody and Madison are on their beds staring at the ceiling]

Madison: Are you awake?

Cody: Yeah.

Madison: Do you think mommy and daddy are thinking about us?

Cody: I know they are.

[Cut to Kevin and Vanessa at the party looking at their awards.]

Kevin: We won freaking Golden Globes.

Vanessa: This is the best thing that ever happened to us.

[Cut to Cody and Madison]

Madison: Mom looked pretty when she left. Do you think she’s ever gonna come back?

Cody: Yes, of course. [whispering] I don’t know.

[Cut to Kevin and Vanessa at the party]

Kevin: I just turned next to Leo at the urinal. I saw his whole [bleep]. It’s huge!

Vanessa: I knew it. This whole night is so amazing.

[Cut to Cody and Madison sleeping. They wake by the owl’s noise.]

Madison: What is that?

Cody: It’s probably nothing.

[Cut to Kevin and Vanessa at the party. Vanessa is sniffing cocaine and Kevin is imitating the award as it’s his penis.]

[Cut to Cody and Madison waiting at home awake]

[Cut to Kevin and Vanessa getting to another party where security stops them]

Security: Guys, guys, guys. Stars only.

Kevin: [bleep] you man! Don’t push my wife.

Vanessa: Be a man for once Kevin. Hit him.

Security: You don’t wanna hit me sir.

Kevin: Hold on to your hats. You’re about to get pounded.

[Kevin jumps on security]

[Cut to Cody. He looks at time and it’s 5 in the morning.]

[Cut to the security chasing Kevin and Vanessa]

[Kevin and Vanessa run. Vanessa falls down.]

[Kevin looks at Vanessa, turns around and runs.]

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Hey! Come back here!

[Cut to Cody and Madison in the morning. They wake up and go downstairs looking for their parents. The award is broken on the floor.]

Cody: Look, I told you they’d come back.

[Cut to Kevin and Vanessa sleeping on the couch. They look hammered.]

[Cut to Liev Schreiber making breakfast at the kitchen]

Leiv: You kids like eggs? Good! Me too. Your parents are very cool people. Very cool. We had a good cool time. You kids can dress yourselves for school, right?

Cody and Madison: Um-hmm.

[Leiv starts making eggs and Cody and Madison go to get ready for school]

[Cut to Cody and Madison at the stairs]

Cody: I hate the Globes.

Madison: I love you big brother.

Cody: I love you too.

[The End]

Super Crew

Vanessa Bayer

Kyle Mooney

Metalia… Ronda Rousey

Gazina… Cecily Strong

Solar… Jay Pharoah

Aviana… Leslie Jones

Noodle Man… Pete Davidson

Mr. Leathers… Taran Killam

The Beast… Kenan Thompson

Queen of Quata… Aidy Bryant

Koos-koos… Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with giant robots destroying the city in Metro City – 2016.]

Vanessa: Maniac has unleashed his cyber beasts all over the city! We’re doomed.

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle looking from the roof]

What are we going to do?

Kyle: It looks like the end.

[Hero entrance music playing]

Vanessa: Look, what’s that?

Kyle: I think help has arrived.

[Cut to the Super Crew. They all have their super hero costume on.]

Super Crew: Fear not friends, the super crew is here to save the day.

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Vanessa: Thank god. The city is in trouble. Can you help?

[Cut to Metalia]

Metalia: Of course we can. I am Metalia. I can bend metal with my mind.

[Metalia pulls out a metal pipe and bends it using her power.]

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Kyle: That’s gonna work great against these metal menaces. Go get em’!

[Cut to Super Crew]

Gazina: Hang on, coz you know there’s more here than just her and it’s really only fair for each to get an intro, okay?

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Kyle: Oh, okay. I’m sorry. Go ahead.

[Cut to Solar]

Solar: I’m Solar! I can harness the power of the sun to melt any material.

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Vanessa: Great! You can melt the robots right now.

[Cut to the Super Crew]

Gazina: Yeah, and I think he probably will do that after we meet everyone.

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

[Cut to Aviana]

Aviana: I am Aviana. I’m gifted with the power of flight.

Kyle: Awesome.

Aviana: But only as fast as you can walk and only for 2016 seconds at a time.

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Vanessa: That’s great.

[Cut to Aviana]

Aviana: I can do it twice a day.

[Noodle Man walks in]

Noodle Man: I’m Noodle Man. I can create a mountain of noodles to smother any fall. It’s noodle time.

[Noodle Man starts dancing]

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Kyle: I think honestly we could get the job done with just the heat man and metal lady.

[Gazina walks in]

Gazina: Okay, can I talk to you for just a second? We don’t know each other very well but the more you interrupt this, the longer this is gonna take.

Vanessa: Okay. Um, how many are there total?

[Cut to Metalia]

Metalia: Like, between six and 30.

[Cut to Mr. Leathers]

Mr. Leathers: I’m Mr. Leathers. At any moment I can be wearing leather. Oh, I have it on now.

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Vanessa: Okay, I don’t see how that helps.

[blasting sound]

Kyle: Oh no! I think they attacked the orphanage.

[Cut to everybody. Aviana is flying.]

Aviana: Look, I’m flying.

Vanessa: Well, don’t waste it. Now you can only use it once more.

Aviana: No, this was the second time.

Kyle: Then what else can you do today?

Aviana: I’m not sure.

[The Beast walks in]

The Beast: I’m The Beast. [roars]

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Kyle: Now we’re talking.

The Beast: Yes! Because [Cut to The Beast] I’m obsessed with Beauty and the Beast.

[singing] a tale as old as time

[Queen of Quata walks in]

Queen of Quata: Hah! I’m Queen of Quata! I command the seas. But the question is will they obey? An the short answer is no.

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Vanessa: Okay, so you can’t do anything?

[Cut to Queen of Quata]

Queen of Quata: I just love the beach. And I can eat sand and so far it hasn’t hurt me.

[Gazina walks in]

Gazina: I am Gazina. I have gay-dar but only for black men. Alert! One here is.

[Cut to The Beast and Solar]

Solar: I am? Oh!

[Koos-koos walks in]

Koos-koos: I don’t really have to go coz I’m very similar to Mr. Noodles, but my name is Koos-koos if that helps.

[Fire-butt walks in]

Fire-butt: And I’m Fire-butt.

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Vanessa: Great! We think all of you are great.

Kyle: So now you can probably save the city, right?

[Cut to Metalia]

Metalia: I’m on it.

[Metalia using power sound]

[The robots are melt down.]

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Kyle: Metalia saved the day!

[Cut to Gazina]

Gazina: I’m sorry. Who saved the day?

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Vanessa: Okay. We mean the Super Crew all together equally saved the day as a unit.

[Cut to Super Crew]

Super Crew: Yes!

[The End]

Ronda Rousey Monologue

Ronda Rousey

Chad… Beck Bennett

Marc… Taran Killam

Coach… Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Justin Bieber… Kate McKinnon

Selena Gomez

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Ronda Rousey.

[Ronda Rousey walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Ronda Rousey: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. And thank you for coming out even though there’s two feet of snow on the ground. They’ve closed Broadway. They’ve closed movie theatres. Even closed all the bars. Such a night, we’re literally the only show in town. I’m so excited to be here because its the first time I’ll be live on television without getting punched in the face. It’s also the first time I’m talking to my fans since I lost to Holly Holm in November which by the way was a fight Holly deserved to win. And I just want to take a minute to sincerely congratulate her. [a short applause by audience] That’s enough! All those who are worried that I’m not ready to host this show because I’ve been brain damaged, relax! I’m good. Besides, everything I need is on cue cards.

[Cut to cue card. The cue card says “Your name is Ronda Rousey.”]

But in all seriousness, I’m fine and tonight I’m ready to crush it.

[UFC bell rings and Ronda Rousey walks to the corner.]

[Cut to Chad and Marc]

Chad: And that’s the end of the first round of monologue.

Marc: Ronda Rousey is off to a great start, don’t you think Chad?

Chad: I do, Marc. She’s warm yet funny. I like her chances tonight.

Marc: I mean, look at the funk as she prepares for next round.

[Cut to Ronda Rousey and Coach. Coach his her coach.]

Coach: Okay Ronda Baby. The crowd is with you. Now it’s time to really get them to make some noise.

Ronda Rousey: How am I supposed to do that, coach?

Coach: Well, you got to throw out some applause line. You know, stuff that they really cheer for.

Ronda Rousey: Isn’t that kind of cheap?

Coach: Do you wanna win this monologue or not? Now get your butt out there.

[UFC bell rings and Ronda Rousey walks back to the monologue stage]

Ronda Rousey: Sorry buddy. How does it feel to be in New York city?

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Coach nodding his head proudly.]

[Cut to Ronda Rousey]

And how about this, who here likes cake?

[audience whooping]

[Cut to Chad and Marc]

Marc: Oh! What a move going with cake.

Chad: Everybody loves cake Marc and Ronda knows that

Marc: Oh, looks like she’s getting ready for another joke.

[Cut to Ronda Rousey]

Ronda Rousey: So, what’s up with this wonder-storm, huh?

Chad: There’s the set up.

Ronda Rousey: I haven’t seen this many flakes since I joined tinder.

[Cut to Kyle in the audience looking sad]

Marc: Oh no. And a rare misstep for Ronda. Clearly some of our audience used Tinder.

Chad: That one took a lot out of her.

[Cut to Coach comforting Ronda Rousey]

Ronda Rousey: I don’t know. I don’t know if I can keep going coach. I’m so tired.

Coach: Well, you sleep there in Update. But right now, it’s time for a sure thing. Why don’t you hit them with a little bit of Kate McKinnon as Justin Bieber?

Ronda Rousey: But Justin Bieber isn’t even the news right now.

Coach: Don’t nobody care about that. Now go.

[UFC bell rings and Ronda Rousey walks back to the monologue stage]

[Kate McKinnon as Justin Bieber walks in]

Justin Bieber: Hey girl, you’re not the only one who’s got quick moves. Watch me.

[Justin Bieber is jumping around]

Try and pop me. I bet you can’t pop me.

[Ronda Rousey slaps Justin Bieber]

Ow! She hit me. And now I got a boo-boo girl.

[Cut to Chad and Marc]

Chad: Wow, and Ronda’s back with an assist by Bieber.

Marc: You know Chad, she’s gonna be asking by self will she join the ranks of all time champions Steve Martin?

Chad: It all depends on this final round.

[UFC bell rings and Ronda Rousey walks back to the monologue stage]

What’s this? Can it be a song?

[music stars playing. SNL cast members join Ronda Rousey as back up dancers.]

Marc: Oh! Look at this. The cast is joining her in.

[Cut to Chad and Marc]

Oh my god! They’ve even given the audience cake.

[Cut to Kyle eating cake and laughing at the audience.]

[Cut to Chad and Marc]

Unbelievable. I didn’t know that Ronda could sing, Chad!

[Cut to the stage]

Ronda Rousey: I can’t. Ladies and gentlemen, Selena Gomez.

[Selena Gomez walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Chad: Oh my god! What a move. And Ronda Rousey has won the monologue.

[UFC bell rings]

Selena Gomez: [singing] When you’re ready come and get it.

All: Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na

Selena Gomez: [singing] When you’re ready come and get it.

All:Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na

Ronda Rousey: We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Selena Gomez is here. Stick around and we’ll be right back.