Tag: Mikey Day

Celebrity Sighting

Heidi Gardner

Michael… Bowen Yang

Scarlett Johansson

Bartender… Beck Bennett

Fan… Kate McKinnon

Nick… Mikey Day

[Starts with a clip of a nice restaurant]

Hostess: Hi there, welcome to Le Gulle.

Michael: Yes, hi. Table for two, please.

Hostess: Unfortunately we’re all booked up, but you can wait at the bar. I can see if something opens up.

Scarlett: Are you sure, Michael? I mean, you know what happens when we eat at restaurants.

Michael: I’m sure nobody will notice. I will wait up at the bar. Thank you so much.

[Michael and Scarlett walk to the bar.]

Bartender: Hey, folks. Wait! Don’t I recognize you from somewhere?

Michael: I think you do. [Michael points at a poster showing what to do when choking]

Bartender: Yeah. Oh, that’s right. You’re the people from the choking poster.

Scarlett: The models, yes. Is there anywhere else that we can wait?

Michael: Baby, if we wait somewhere else, the fans are just going to ask us to come back to the poster for pictures.

Bartender: Uh… the fans?

[Cut to Michael and Scarlett]

Scarlett: Yes. Our poster is in every restaurant and kitchen in the city. We are the Jay-Z and Beyonce of the safety posters. We have fans.

Michael: Babe, he was joking.

[Cut to everybody]

Bartender: I wasn’t.

[Cut to Michael and Scarlett]

Scarlett: Our fans are going to find out that we’re here. We should be safe.

Michael: Okay, you’re right.

Scarlett: Miss!

Hostess: How can I help you?

[Hostess walks in]

Scarlett: We’re obviously a little on display here. So, can we just ask when our fans start coming over, we keep them in single file line.

Hostess: Um, okay.

Scarlett: There is a certain group of people who get very excited around us. I see one now.

[Cut to a fan who is Chef staring at them from the kitchen]

[Cut to Michael, Scarlett and the hostess]

Michael: Alright, smile. This is special for her. Hi there. Hi.

[The Chef walks in]

Chef: Wow. I can’t believe you’re here. We have your poster back in the kitchen, too.

Scarlett: Very sweet. Thank you. Would you like a selfie?

Chef: Um, that would be– yes. Okay. Can we do the pose?

Scarlett: Normally we don’t like to bring our work home but we’ll make an exception for you.

[Michael and Scarlett pose like they’re choking]

[Chef takes a selfie]

Chef: Well, listen. [Cut to the Chef] Sorry. There was this one time, I was tasting something in the kitchen. I start choking. [Cut to everybody] But my sous came and did what was on the poster and I’m still here today. So, thank you.

Scarlett: It’s amazing.

Michael: That’s so sweet.

[Another fan walks in]

Nick : Oh, my god! I’m sorry. I look at you all day. Can you guys record my voicemail greeting?

Michael: Yeah. No problem.

Nick: I’m Nick by the way.

Michael: Okay. [makes choking sound] Leave a message for Nick.

Nick: Thank you. So awesome.

Scarlett: Where’s the girl who said she could control the situation?

Michael: I don’t know.

[Another fan walks in]

Kyle: Hey, I’m from Donahue’s down the block. I got a text you guys were here.

Scarlett: Oh, they’re texting each other.

Michael: If one kitchen knows we’re here, they all know.

[A lot of people come at Michael and Scarlett as their fans]

Kyle: So, were you really choking in the poster?

Alex: Have you ever choked in real life?

Chris: Would you do the pose?

Scarlett: Michael, I’m starting to get worried. Where’s the girl?

Michael: I don’t know. Oh, my god. There’s more of them.

Everybody: Do the pose! Do the pose!

Scarlett: Oh, my god! Baby, I’m scared. Where’s the girl?

Michael: Okay. Get behind me. I’ll protect you. Everyone, take a step.

[Michael starts choking]

Scarlett: Baby! Oh, my god. He’s choking. He’s choking on his gum.

Fan: Do something.

Scarlett: I don’t know how. I’m just a model.

[The Chef runs in]

Chef: I’ve got this. Come on! Don’t go to sleep.

[Michael spits out the gum]

Scarlett: Oh, my god! You saved him.

Michael: Oh, my god! How can we ever repay you?

Chef: I would like another selfie.

Michael: Oh, you could have already got one.

Scarlett: And we have a lot of fans to meet. Let’s get in a single file line now.

Scarlett: Everyone will get a selfie. Everyone’s gonna get a selfie.

Another Translator

Kyle Mooney

Mikey Day

Alex Moffat

Cecily Strong

Scarlett Johansson

[Starts with three scientists in their lab]

Kyle: On behalf of Inotech research, we’d like to welcome you back to the testing lab.

Mikey: We know our last presentation of X5 mind reading device was not exactly successful.

[Cut to Alex and Cecily]

Alex: No, it was not. It was bad.

Cecily: Very bad.

[Cut to Scarlett]

Scarlett: Yes, we are aware. Rest assured that all the glitches have been fixed. At last we’ll be able to accurately read the thoughts of common household pets.

[Cut to Alex and Cecily]

Alex: Heard that before.

[Cut to Scarlett]

Scarlett: Now, today’s test subject is my own dog, Max.

[Cut to a pug with a device hat on his head]

So, with your permission let’s begin.

[Cut to everybody]

[The scientists are working on their devices]

Mikey: We have mind link.

[Cut to the scientists]

Scarlett: Max, can you hear me?

[Cut to Max]

Max: Woof, woof! Just kidding! It’s me, Max.

[Cut to Scarlett]

Scarlett: How are you feeling?

[Cut to Max]

Max: Great.

[Cut to Scarlett]

Scarlett: Why is that Max?

[Cut to Max]

Max: Because Trump is getting impeached.

[Cut to Alex and Cecily]

Cecily: Oh! That’s better.

[Cut to Max]

Max: Too bad it means he’s going to get reelected for sure. Good job, dummies!

[Cut to Alex and Cecily]

Cecily: What?

[Cut to the scientists]

Scarlett: Max, no. Where did you hear that?

[Cut to Max]

Max: On fox news. Your parents let me watch when they baby sit me.

[Cut to Scarlett]

Scarlett: Oh, my god. That’s not true. There’s a mountain of evidence against trump.

[Cut to Max]

Max: And name one conservative whose mind has been changed by any of it. Oh, right. You don’t know any.

[Cut to Scarlett]

Scarlett: I know conservatives. My cousin Tina.

[Cut to Max]

Max: Oh, right. Tina, that you blocked on all social media accounts. You’re real close.

[Cut to Alex and Cecily]

Cecily: All right, what is going on with that dog?

[Cut to the scientists]

Scarlett: Nothing. He’s fine. Max, people have no reason to think that Trump is a good president.

[Cut to Max]

Max: [coughs] The economy. [coughs] Unemployment. [coughs] Stockmarket. Sorry, my Kennel cough is coming up.

[Cut to the scientists]

Mikey: Yikes! Burn!

Scarlett: Max, Trump is a crook.

[Cut to Max]

Max: No Doubt. But he’s playing a game the democrats don’t even know the rules to. And I hate to quote Charlie Sheen here but he’s winning.

[Cut to Scarlett]

Scarlett: Max, you’re just a dog. You don’t even know what we are talking about. You eat your own poop.

[Cut to Max]

Max: And you ate pizza crust out of the garbage last night. She thought she was being good by throwing it away and ten minutes later she’s digging for it.

[Cut to Scarlett]

Scarlett: We have no choice but to impeach. He’ll try to steal the next election.

[Cut to Max]

Max: Like you stole my testicles? I’m still mad about that. Here’s an actual experiment. Everyone say out loud the democratic hopeful they’re most excited about.

[The people are not sure of any candidate]

[Cut to Max]

Max: Yeah. Terrific. Can’t wait for November.

[Cut to Scarlett]

Scarlett: Max. That’s enough. You’re just pretending you still like Trump because you’re too embarrassed to admit how awful he is.

[Cut to Max]

Max: Oh, is Rachel Maddow in the room? Please, lecture me some more. It’s working.

[Cut to Alex and Cecily]

Alex: Hey, Maddow is America’s sweetheart, you dumb pug.

[Cut to Max]

Max: Don’t you worry that history will look back on this moment and we’ll be embarrassed?

[Cut to Max]

Max: If you want to talk embarrassing history, let’s look at your web browser.

[Cut to Alex and Cecily]

Both: Oh!

[Cut to Scarlett with Max]

Scarlett: Max, you’re my best friend. I had no idea you felt like this.

Max: Well, you tend to do all the talking in the relationship.

Scarlett: No more Fox news. But I hear what you’re saying. Shake and  make up?

Max: Sure.

Scarlett: Well, that concludes our presentation. What did you think?

[Cut to Alex and Cecily]

Cecily: Hated it.

Alex: Funding revoked.

[Cut to Scarlett with Max]

Scarlett: No, please, wait, let’s try other test sub. Fire up the machine.

[Cut to a piglet]

Piglet: Tulsi Gabbard, 2020!

Scarlett: Dammit!

American Households Cold Open

Snowman… Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Melissa Villaseñor

Kyle Mooney

Kevin… Bowen Yang

Beck Bennett

Mikey Day

Heidy Gardner

Chloe Fineman

Chris Redd

Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Greta Thunberg… Kate McKinnon

[starts with a cartoon picture of a snow man and the states map picture of the USA]

[Cut to the snowman]

Snowman: Well, well, well, it’s almost Christmas. And folks in America seem more divided than every. But if we listen in to some dinner conversations tonight, I bet we’d find out we have more in common than we realize. Now we can listen. I hacked into three nest home cams. Take a look.

[Cut to a home in San Francisco, California]

[Cut to a family having dinner]

Cecily: I’m so happy everyone flew here for the holidays. And I’m even more happy that they did it. They’re impeaching Trump.
Melissa: Mom, come on. We said no politics tonight.

[Cut to Speaker 4 and Speaker 5]

Kyle: I don’t know what took them so long. Trump is a criminal.

Kevin: He violated the constitution. There has to be consequences.

[Cut to Speaker 3]

Melissa: Here we go.

[Cut to a home in Charleston, South Carolina]

[Cut to a family having dinner]

Beck: Well, they did it. They’re impeaching Trump.

Mikey: Dad, stop.

Beck: I’m sorry, it’s a disgrace. What crime did he even commit?

[Cut to Heidi and Mikey]

Heidi: I guess the crime of being an alpha male who actually gets things done.

Mikey: Okay!

[Cut to Chloe]

Chloe: The democrats lost the election. Now, they’re attempting a coup.

[Cut to Heidi and Mikey]

Mikey: Alright, here we go.

[Cut to a home in Atlanta, Georgia]

[Cut to a family having dinner]

Chris: Dad, come on. You’re going to rile everybody up.

Kenan: What? I’m just asking. Do you guys think “Bad Boys 3” is gonna be good or not? I mean, it’s got to be good. Will Smith and Martin Lawrence back together.

Ego: Yeah, but is Martin Lawrence still Martin Lawrence?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Hey, you not too old to get a spanking! That’s Martin Lawrence you talking about.

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: I hate to say this, but can we please talk about politics, instead?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Oh, you mean how Trump is definitely getting impeached and then definitely getting reelected? I’m good.

[Cut to the family in San Francisco, California]

Kyle: I just don’t understand who on earth could vote for Trump after this?

[Cut to the family in Charleston, South Carolina]

Heidi: How could anyone not vote for Trump after this?

[Cut to the family in Atlanta, Georgia]

Kenan: Who you think is gonna get voted off “The Masked Singer” next week? I think it’s the Fox.

Ego: You mean Wayne Brady?

Kenan: What? It’s obvious Jamie Foxx. Fox. Jamie Fox. It almost makes too much sense. I bet you Jamie Fox could beat Trump.

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: Dad, Trump’s not gonna win. People aren’t gonna vote for him again.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: What people? White people? If white people tell you, “I might not vote for Trump this time,” You know what that’s called right? A lie. Nobody was gonna vote for Trump in 2016 either, and then guess who did? Everybody. Now see, you got me all worked up. I need drink.

[Cut to the family in San Francisco, California]

Cecily: Well, I just need to say this, okay? If Obama did half the stuff Trump did, he would be in jail already.

[Cut to the family in Charleston, South Carolina]

Beck: The fact is Obama did way worse stuff than Trump ever did and they didn’t impeach him.

[Cut to a home in Atlanta, Georgia]

Kenan: Can you believe they didn’t kill Obama? I thought they was going to kill him for sure.

[Cut to the family in Charleston, South Carolina]

Mikey: Guys, maybe we should put on some Christmas music to help everybody relax?

Beck: Maybe you’re right.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Alexa, play “Baby it’s cold outside.”

[Cut to the family in San Francisco, California]

Kevin: Alexa, play the politically correct version of “Baby it’s cold outside.”

[Cut to a home in Atlanta, Georgia]

Kenan: Alexa, play “Santa Claus is coming to town by Michael Jackson.”

Chris: Dad!

Kenan: All right, all right. Play “Santa Claus is coming to town” by the Jackson 5.

Chris: That’s better.

[Cut to the family in San Francisco, California]

Cecily: I mean, I don’t like all the democratic candidates but, I’d take any of them over four more years of Trump.

[Cut to the family in Charleston, South Carolina]

Beck: I don’t agree with everything Trump is doing, but he’s way better than any of those democrats.

[Cut to a home in Atlanta, Georgia]

Kenan: You know who I’m starting to like a lot? That Pete Buttigieg. [everybody laughing]

Ego: Okay, okay, dad, that’s a good one.

Chris: You should have seen your face.

Kenan: You should have seen your face.

[Cut to the family in San Francisco, California]

Cecily: Oh, my god. I just got a notification. I tweeted a photo of Trump’s head on the body of a Charmin bear, and he didn’t realize it was a joke and he retweeted it. [laughing]

[Cut to the family in Charleston, South Carolina]

Beck: Oh, my god, I tweeted that Nancy Pelosi was a libtard commie and Trump retweeted it and he nominated me to be a federal judge.

[Cut to a home in Atlanta, Georgia]

Kenan: Oh, my god! Cory Booker just retweeted me and nobody noticed.

[Cut to the family in San Francisco, California]

Kyle: Hey, why don’t we all say a secular blessing of thanks. Kevin, you want to lead us?

Kevin: I’d love to. Dear gender neutral spirits.

[Cut to the family in Charleston, South Carolina]

Beck: Dear white original American Jesus—

[Cut to a home in Atlanta, Georgia]

Kenan: Dear historically correct black Jesus.

[Cut to the family in Charleston, South Carolina]

Beck: Thank you for no more kneeling in the NFL. That was very hard for me.

[Cut to a home in Atlanta, Georgia]

Kenan: Thank you, lord, for the not one, not two, but three black quarterbacks who have beat Tom Brady this season. Colin Kaepernick, you move in mysterious ways.

[Cut to the family in San Francisco, California]

Kevin: Thank you for the super bowl halftime show and that’s it.

[Cut to a home in Atlanta, Georgia]

Everybody: Amen.

[Cut to the family in Charleston, South Carolina]

Everybody: Amen.

[Cut to the family in San Francisco, California]

Everybody: A-women!

[Cut to the snow man]

Snowman: Now, those three families may seem different but you see, they have one important thing in common. They live in states where their votes don’t matter, because none of them live in the three states that will decide the election. They’ll debate the issues all year long, but then it all comes down to a thousand people in Wisconsin who won’t even think about the election until the morning of. And that’s the magic of electoral college.

[Greta Thunberg walks in]

Great Thunberg: My name is Greta Thunberg. And I also have a Christmas message. In ten years, this snowman won’t exist. Her home will be a puddle. Santa, reindeer, the north pole, all of it, gone. The ice caps will melt and the elves will drown.

Snowman: Greta!

Greta Thunberg: What? You said keep it light. So merry, maybe our last Christmas to all and Donald Trump, step to me and I will come at you like plastic straw comes at a turtle. I cannot believe I’m saying this to a 70 year old man, but grow up.

Both: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Barry’s Bootcamp

Ted… Mikey Day

Ego Nwodim

Chloe Fineman

Amber… Bowen Yang

Patron… Jennifer Lopez

Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Cora… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with few people stretching to work out]

Ted: So, this is Barry’s Bootcamp? Huh?

Ego: Yes. I come here all the time. It’s intense. But it’s fun.

Ted: Well, it’s an interesting first date.

Ego: Date? My mom is marrying your dad.

[Cut to Chloe]

Chloe: Okay. What’s good, Barry’s Bootcamp? Welcome to trainer audition. Today you will help decide who gets hired and who has to make the smoothies. Let’s go!

[Cut to the people working out]

Ted: We’re excited.

Ego: No, Ted. Be small.

[Cut to Amber working out]

Amber: Hey, hey, Barry’s Bootcamp, Ellis Island. My name is Amber. And I’m here because I’m not quick. OJ Simpson got caught because he gave up. Dumbass. All he had to do was keep driving. Like, I drive myself everyday to do better, be stronger and turn my penis into a bicep. Let’s go.

[Cut to the people working out]

Ted: Penis into a bicep? What is he talking about?

Ego: It’s boot camp. They’re trying to pump us up. Do the exercise.

[Cut to Patron working out]

Patron: My name is Patron and I am here to get your hatch snatched. When I was born, I couldn’t walk, couldn’t talk. My parents had to carry me everywhere. Pathetic. But I overcame all those obstacles and look at me today. Shredded, talking. You have to ask yourself, are you a ford? Or are you a Ferrari? I choose both. Vroom! Vroom! Let’s go.

[Cut to the people working out]

Ted: Where do you get those thingies?

Ego: You mean the weights? They’re next to you.

[Cut to Cecily working out]

Cecily: Pop on! Boot camp! I’m here to help you push yourselves. Just like I pushed my boyfriend to get a vasectomy. Now he only wears condom to be funny. Jealous? Come on. I want your blood, sweat, tears and little tooth.

[Cut to the people working out]

Ted: You know what? She was looking at me when she said tooth.

Ego: That’s because you are tooting, Ted? It’s thick, and there are no windows.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: I think my sheer talent is enough to overcome them. Two years ago I was diagnosed as dyslexic. Let’s go!

[Cut to the people working out. Patrol walks in.]

Patron: It’s all about accountability, people. I’m going to hover by someone [Cut to Patrol staring at Ego] who’s being lazy as hell.

Ego: Me?

Patron: How do you think you get this way? I haven’t had a car since I was a baby.

[Cut to Beck working out]

Beck: Hello! I am beef! Let’s push through the pain. Have you ever been cheated on? It sucks. Just ask my girlfriend. I can’t stop. I won’t stop. Now, grab those kettle bells. Let’s go!

[Cut to the people working out]

Patron: Hop, oh god! Hop, oh god! Fupa in the air! and hop, oh god!

[Cut to Cora working]

Cora: Me now! My whole life, I want to be creative. Only one problem, I’m too stupid. But then I discovered Barry’s Bootcamp and I got toned and fit. And finally booked a role. That rule? Wife. My name? Cora. Let go.

[Amber walks in and Cora leaves]

Amber: Ding dong. Anybody home? Hey, I don’t let anything stop me. Just like my man Oscar Pistorius. No legs, no problem. He still murdered his girlfriend and a friend. Look, I’m all about results. Search results. I googled my dad every day. Where is he? Let’s go.

[Patrol walks in. Chloe leaves]

Patron: Let’s take it to the finish line. You can make your dreams come true. Mine did. The one where all my teeth fell out. A wise woman once said, “You want a hot body? You want a Bugatti? You want a Maserati? You’d better work, bitch!” That woman? Mother Teresa. Let’s go.

[Chloe, Amber, Beck, Cecily and Cora join in.]

Chloe: We did it! Congratulations!

Amber: Wow, we’re all getting hired?

Chloe: No. We’re done. She’s getting hired and you’re Mr. Smoothie.

Amber: Yeah, that makes sense.

Surprise Home Makeover

Becker Sheek… Kenan Thompson

Jacqueline Shat… Jennifer Lopez

Matt Shat… Mikey Day

Carpenter Steve… Beck Bennett

Designer Riley… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Surprise Home Makeover intro]

Announcer: HGTV’s Surprise Home Makeover, holiday edition. Ho, ho, yay!

[Cut to the show host]

Becker Sheek: Hey there, Becker Sheek here. Outside the home of Matt and Jacqueline Shats, a husband and wife who entered and won a surprise home makeover. Let’s go surprise them.

[Becker Sheek knocks the door]

[The door opens]

[Matt and Jacqueline Shats walks out]

Jacqueline Shat: Oh, my god, you’re Becker Sheek.

Becker Sheer: That’s right. In the flesh! I’m looking for Matt and Jacqueline because they’ve just won a home makeover.

Jacqueline Shat: What? Oh, my god! That’s me! I’m Jacqueline. Is your husband home?

Matt Shat: Yes.

Becker Sheer: Could you go get him, sir?

Jacqueline Shat: This is him. This is my husband.

Matt Shat: Hi, I’m Matt. Such a big fan, man.

Becker Sheer: This man is the man that you are married to?

Jacqueline Shat: Yes. I cannot believe that we won. My mind is blown right now.

Becker Sheer: Yes, that makes two of us. Just so I’m clear, you two are married.

Jacqueline Shat: Last time I checked.

Becker Sheer: Would you check again?

Jacqueline Shat: When I asked you to marry me, you said yes, right?

[Matt Shat giggles]

Becker Sheer: You asked him?

Matt Shat: Yes. And on the third time I finally said yes.

Becker Sheer: Third time? You know what, lets just go inside. How about we go inside. Come on folks.

[They all walk in the house]

Matt Shat: Oh my god.

Jacqueline Shat: This is crazy.

Matt Shat: I cannot believe this is happening to me. Like, I never get lucky like this.

Becker Sheer: Alright. I would say you get very lucky.

Jacqueline Shat: Oh, sorry about the mess. We weren’t expecting company Matt’s smurf stuff is everywhere.

Becker Sheer: He’s into smurfs! I’m sorry.

Matt Shat: I smurfing love them!

Becker Sheer: “Surprise home makeover.” Living up to it’s name today. Joining is now via satellite. From our workshop in Texas is one of our elves.

[Carpenter Steve appears on a small box at left bottom corner.]
Carpenter Steve: Hey, Matt and Jacqueline.

Matt Shat: Carpernter Steve!

Jacqueline Shat: Oh, my god! We love Carpenter Steve! Hi!

Becker Sheer: Alright, Steve, tell us what you have planned for their renovation.

[Cut to Carpenter Steve]

Carpenter Steve: Well, Becker, I think accessibility is they key. We need to make it safe and easy for Jacqueline to get around the house since she’s visually impaired.

[Cut to the Shats and Carpenter Steve in split screens]

Jacqueline Shat: I’m not blind, Carpenter Steve.

Carpenter Steve: Oh, no? So what is it then? A green card thing?

Jacqueline Shat: Green card? No, no, we were both born here.

Matt Shat: Yes, you’re looking at two plain old born Americans.

Carpenter Steve: I just see one.

Carpenter Steve: What’s that?

[Becker Sheer interferes]

Becker Sheer: Okay. Why don’t we check back in with carpenter Steve a little later. Let’s talk about the biggest problem with your current house, storage.

Jacqueline Shat: Yes, we have no closet space. Matt, show them where you have to keep your roller blades.

Matt Shat: Oh, yeah! I have to keep my sports stuff here.

[Matt Shat tries to reach his roller blade on the top of the shelf. His tattoo on his lower back is showing.]

Becker Sheer: Okay, wait a minute. Oh, my god! America, Matt Shat has a “SMURF LIFE” tramp stamp. Oh, my god. It’s a full Smurf. What is wrong with you, man?

Matt Shat: I konw, I know. I’m embarrassed. I should have got papa smurf.

Becker Sheer: If I may ask, what do you do for living Jacqueline?

Jacqueline Shat: I do what Amalclooney does.

Becker Sheer: Oh, so human rights lawyer. And you, Matt?

Matt Shat: Um, right now, I have a lot of irons in the fire–

Becker Sheer: So, unemployed?

Matt Shat: Yes.

Becker Sheer: Yes, okay. If you’re just tuning in, I’m here with makeover winners Jacqueline, a human rights lawyer, bronze goddess and her husband by choice, Matt Shat, an unemployed smurf man.

Jacqueline Shat: I still can’t believe we won.

Matt Shat: It’s smurfing crazy!

Becker Sheer: Well, Shats, somebody special would like to say hello. Everyone’s favorite interior decorator, designer Riley!

[Designer Riley walks in with a reindeer nose]

Designer Riley: Hey, gang, how is it glowing?

Jacqueline Shat: Oh, my god! Designer Riley in my house right now.

Becker Sheer: Designer Riley, you’ve seen the Shat’s contest submission and I know you’ve got some ideas.

Designer Riley: We’ve got a real fixer upper on our hands here but I think we start with a different hair cut for sure.

Becker Sheer: Sorry, Riley, I meant the house.

Designer Riley: Oh, open concept, shiplap, the same stuff we always do.

Jacqueline Shat: Open concept. Kind of like our marriage.

Matt Shat: Oh, my god. Baby, come on! That’s private.

Becker Sheer: That’s it! That’s why you two are together. He lets you step out.

Jacqueline Shat: Me? Oh, no, never. But he’s got needs that I can’t always meet, you know? You can’t keep a stallion in the stable.

Designer Riley: I’m sorry. I have to do this. [Designer Riley feels Matt Shat’s penis] Nope, he’s totally average. Average?

Becker Sheer: Average? It’s average! Oh, no! I think I smell burnt toast, I think I might be having – a damn sure smurf. Sorry. We’ll be right back. What is wrong with you?

Trump Impeachment Press Conference Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Gordon Sondland… Will Farrell

Cecily Strong

Mikey Day

Kyle Mooney

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a helicopter ready to fly]

Media reporters: Mr. President! Mr. President! Mr. President, here.

[Starts with Donald Trump walks in front of the reporters]

[Cheers and applause]

Right here, Mr. President. Mr. President! Mr. President! Mr. President!

Donald Trump: Look, I know you probably have a lot of questions for me about this impeachment nonsense. And I’d love to answer every single one of them. Believe me, I do. But as you can see from this very loud running helicopter behind me, I’m in a big hurry right now, so I don’t really have the time. But, everything is perfect, okay? Thanks for all your questions. And I really should be heading out right now.

Cecily: Wait, Mr. President, [Cut to the reporters] just a few questions.

Kyle: Can you comment on Mr. Sondland’s damning testimony with your illegal dealings with Ukraine?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I can’t hear your because of this lousy chopper behind me. But it sounds like you said Sondland’s testimony completely exonerated me, and I totally agree. I actually wrote down notes from his testimony that proves my innocence. I used the biggest, fattest, blackest magic markers I could find. I love black magic markers by the way. I know most people use sharpies, they smell like liquor. Like I was saying, I got to go to Michigan right now.

[Cut to the reporters]

Cecily: Exactly which part of Sondland’s testimony proves your innocence?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: It’s right here in my notes of super important conversations I have had. I’ll read one but then I’ve got to split, okay? This is me and ambassador Sondland talking. He says to me, “What do you want?” And I answer, “Two large pies. Extra cheese, extra soft—” No, wait. That’s a different phone call. Oh, here it is. I said to Sondland, “I want nothing, no quid pro quo, bro.” See? It’s right here in black. Case closed. Okay? I have to get on this chopper now.

[Cut to the reporters]

Mikey: Hold on, Mr. President. That wasn’t the only conversation you have had with ambassador Sondland.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: It doesn’t matter. I told him no quid pro quo at least once. Any quid after that is on them. That’s how it works. Like when you meet a girl and say, “If you’re a cop, you have to tell me.” Besides, I don’t know this ambassador Sondland guy. That’s fake news.

[Cut to the reporters]

Kyle: But he’s donated a million dollars to your inauguration.

Cecily: And you appointed him to the E.U.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, I know him, but I don’t know him, know him. I never like, met him in person. Look, I would love to exchange but this battery on this chopper is going to die very, very soon.

[Gordon Sondland walks in]

I’m holding everybody up, okay?

Gordon Sondland: No.

Donald Trump: Ha-ha-ha. Oh, it’s you, ambassador Sondland.

[Cut to the reporters]

Heidi: Mr. Trump. Can you at least elaborate on your comments yesterday on ‘Fox & friends’ where you said, “Adam Schiff wasthe whistleblower?”

[Cut to Donald Trump and Gordon Sondland]

Donald Trump: No, no, no. I never said he was the whistleblower, okay? It’s so great to finally meet you for the first time by the way.

Gordon Sondland: Oh, right, right. Keep the quid pro quo on the low-low, got it?

Donald Trump: Anyways, I just was leaving.

Gordon Sondland: Hang on. I want to go on the record and say you guys need to lay off my boy. Everybody loves his ass.

Donald Trump: Thank you.

Gordon Sondland: Ukraine, Russia—

Donald Trump: That’s enough, that’s enough.

Gordon Sondland: They’ll do anything for this man. I know. I asked.

Donald Trump: Alright. I gotta go. In conclusion, no quid pro quo.

Gordon Sondland: Oh, there definitely was.

Both: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Pizza Ad

Director… Mikey Day

Mrs. Richard… Kate McKinnon

Mr. Richard… Will Farrell

Daughter… Heidi Gardner

Son… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a commercial director briefing the Richard’s family]

Director: What’s up Richard’s family? Winners of bertucci pizza, no. 1 fan contest. We are pumped to have you guys in our commercial.

[Cut to Mrs. Richard and Mr. Richard]

Mrs. Richard: We’re so excited. Ha-ha.

Mr. Richard: This is cool for us.

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Daughter: Yeah, we eat here like everyday.

Son: It’s legit, like, good.

[Cut to Director]

Director: Okay, great. So, the commercial will be you guys just talking about the pizza being yourselves.

Mr. Richard: Oh, stuff like, “Nice pizza!”

Mrs. Richard: Or like, “On, nummy, nummy! I’m all horned up for this pizza!”

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Daughter: Eww! Mom, no.

[Cut to Mrs. Richard]

Mrs. Richard: What? Come on! It makes me wanna do my horny dance.

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Daughter: No! Oh, my god!

[Cut to Mrs. Richard]

Mrs. Richard: What? It’s a commercial. Sex sells.

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Son: Mom! We’re being embarrassing. Don’t like, ruin this!

[Cut to Mrs. Richard and Mr. Richard]

Mr. Richard: Yeah, honey! Don’t get us fired before we get started!

[Cut to Director]

Director: No way! You guys are going to be great, okay? Mom, just trying to keep it natural. Alright? Okay, action!

[Cut to
Mr. Richard]

Mr. Richard: This is some cheesy pizza.

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Daughter: This is so good.

Son: Best pizza ever!

[Cut to Mrs. Richard. She is staring at the floor.]

Director: Hey, mom! You wanna eat that pizza?

Mrs. Richard: No!

Director: You don’t?

Mrs. Richard: No! Not now. I don’t want to.

Director: Are you doing okay mom?

Mrs. Richard: I’m great! I’m gonna go, I’ll be waiting in the car. Cold and starving.

Director: Alright, and cut! [Cut to everybody] Um, come on! No way, mom, we need you. Dad, kids, great job. And mom, let’s just try to keep it fun, okay?

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Son: Mom, be happy. Please.

[Cut to Director]

Director:Yeah, alright? You guys ready? Okay. Here we go. And, action!

[Cut to the Richard’s family]

Director: How about some pepperoni?

Mr. Richard: Well, heck yes!

Son and Daughter: Alright!

Director: And mom? I think you want some of our famous garlic nuts.

[Cut to Mrs. Richard]

Mrs. Richard: Well, it doesn’t matter what I want.

Director: Come on! Everybody loves garlic nuts.

Mrs. Richard: How can I eat it if I’m supposed to keep my mouth shut?

Director: No way, mom! Come on! Chow down, mom!

Mrs. Richard: Just give me the crust, from the trash. Whatever the raccoons don’t want. I’m a raccoon. I stink like a skank!

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Daughter: Mom, what?

[Cut to Mrs. Richard]

Mrs. Richard: I’m a skanky skank! I run my skank ass off because moms are skank.

Director: And cut! [Cut to everybody] Cut, cut, cut! Um, can we kind of check in with mom here?

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Son: Mom! Chill! We were just kidding.

[Cut to Mrs. Richard]

Mrs. Richard: Well, you made fun of me all day.

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Daughter: Yea, just because everything you say is weird and bad.

[Cut to Mrs. Richard]

Mrs. Richard: You know what? Just film them. I shouldn’t have come. I missed my volunteering for this. I teach typing on Deathrow. Those men appreciate me.

[Mrs. Richard stands and walks away.]

[Cut to Director]

Director: Yeah! Um, let’s give mom a breather and why don’t we just get some B roll of you guys. And dad, do me a favor, just talk to the kids like you’re having dinner, whatever the three of you normally talk about, okay? Alright, and action.

[Cut to Mr. Richard and his kids. They are awkward.]

Mr. Richard: How’s your period? And son, fight me.

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Daughter: Dad! Awkward!

[Cut to Mr. Richard and his kids.]

Director: Okay, looks like dad’s kind of lost without mom. Let’s just go back to talking about pizza. [Cut to Mr. Richard acting upset.] Hey dad, you like sausage? Oh, no, dad! Oh, no!

Mr. Richard: I can’t do anything without your mother. Okay? Anything! Once she went out of town honey, I put bleach on my cereal. I wasn’t trying to kill myself. I thought it was milk. I hired a prostitute to show me how the oven worked. [He starts crying]

Director: Okay, oh, no dad! Looks like you’re crying. What’s going on bud?

Mr. Richard: She is the greatest woman in the world.

[Mrs. Richard walks in]

Mrs. Richard: Oh dear!

Mr. Richard: She helped me believe in Santa Clause until I was 28 years old. And what did I give her in return? At our wedding, I sneezed on the alter. Broke her nose with my head. Last Christmas, your mother was being attacked by a bat in the garage. She told me to get a shovel. I went to a bar. I f-ing love her.

Director: Okay, this isn’t really about pizza anymore.

Mrs. Richard: Oh, Jerry. You’re my king.

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Daughter: Yeah! Dad’s right. We need you. You’re our mom.

[Cut to the Richards]

Mrs. Richard: What did you say?

Daughter: You’re our mom.

Son: Yeah! You’re our mom.

Mr. Richard: [whispering] You’re our mom!

Mrs. Richard: I sure am. And thank god. You make me a mommy and that’s all I ever wanted to be.

Mr. Richard: So, what do you say we all get horned up for this pizza?

All: Yeah!

Announcer: Bertucci’s, horny for family.

[Cheers and applause]

Party Song

Aidy Bryant

Mikey Day

Cecily Strong

Mr. B… Will Ferrell

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Aidy at the door talking to her kids]

Aidy: Your dad and I will be back on Sunday. Remember, no parties.

Kids: We promise!

[horn honking]

Aidy: Damn it, Ronald. I’m coming.

[Cut to Jack and Cecily]

Both: It’s on!

[Music video starts]

Cecily: Whip out the phone starts sending texts

our parents are gone you know what happens next

Jack: Having a party should be cool

[door bell ringing]

Cecily: Who’s here?

Jack: The entire school

[everybody are getting in the house]

Jack: Everybody came the jocks and the geeks

popular girls the goths and the freaks

Cecily: Class clown crushing beer

Jack: He is losing

Cecily: Nerds playing beer pong

Jack: He is losing

Cecily: The quarterback’s here that’s hella lit

glad you came through

Alex: Party’s legit!

Cecily: Stoner kids rolling up a stick as blunt

Jack: Sitting on the couch is my AP English teacher?

[Cut to AP English teacher on the couch with a drink]

Cecily: Cause we’re having a pa-a-arty

hella fun

pa-a-arty

why’d your teacher come?

pa-a-arty

it’s kind of weird right?

party at my house tonight

party popping up that’s how it goes

Jack: through Mr. B’s looking at my family photos

nursing a beer as he tours my home

Mr. B: Hey Jack, was this taken in Rome?

Jack: Yo, sis, Mr. B came

Cecily: I know he did. Why is he here? He’s got a wife and a kid

Jack: Is he creeping on girls?

Cecily: No he’s being polite.

Jack: Then why the is he here?

Cecily: Just chill, all right?

he ain’t doing no harm don’t pay him attention

Jack: It’s just weird that he’s here watching Shawshank Redemption

Mr. B.: Andy Dufresne.

Jack: Midnight comes and the party’s still packed

cute Sophomore says–

Chloe: There you are Jack,

want to chill in your room? Party’s kind of loud

Jack: Mr. B’s with the vape rats

Mr. B.: Yeah, great cloud

Chloe: Show me your room

Jack: Yo, he’s drinking a bunch

Mr. B.: The cloud smells amazing

is that captain crunch?

Cecily: Mr. B’s having the time of his life

Jack: ‘Til he gets a call, must be his wife

Cecily: He ignores the call, stares off into space

twirls his wedding ring, black look on his face

Jack: He’s going through some stuff

Cecily: Mid life crisis?

Jack: Nah! Deeper than that.

Cecily: It’s none of our business

cause we’re having a pa-a-arty

giving into me

pa-a-arty

looking at himself

pa-a-arty

who have I become?

party at my house tonight

Jack: 3 am. Night’s coming to an end

Cecily: time to say good-bye to all our friends

Alex: Party was epic

Chris: Party’s the best

Chloe: Maybe check on Mr. B though

Jack: He hasn’t left?

[Cut to Mr. B. drinking on alone.]

heading home Mr. B?

Mr. B.: Hey there Zack

God I miss high school wish I could go back

Jack: Ha-ha, that’s cool.

Cecily: Can we call you a lyft?

Mr. B.: It goes by fast, cherish it.

Jack: Well, you should probably roll if you know what I mean

Mr. B.: I’d kill my own mother for a time machine

Cecily: Okay, well–

Mr. B.: Promise me guys you’ll just be alive.

While you’re young and alive.

Jack: Right.

Mr. B.: Sleep with everyone.

You’re only young once. Make it fun. [Mr. B. opens another can]

Cecily: Oh, you’re having one more?

Mr. B.: Yeah. [finishes the drink in one shot] Great party.

Jack: Hold up, Mr. B, are you good to drive?

Mr. B.: Not even close, but I got a ride.

[Mr. B. opens the door. His wife is outside.]

Mrs. B.: It is 3 in the morning, Richard.

Mr. B.: I’m sorry.

Mrs. B.: What is going on with you lately?

Mr. B.: I don’t know, okay?

Cecily: Party at my house tonight.

Cut for Time: Cast List

Beth… Heidi Gardner

Caspar… Mikey Day

Pri… Cecily Strong

Myles… Kyle Mooney

Tyson… Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

Mr. Koneg… Will Farrell

Tabby… Ego Nwodim

Camdan… Bowen Yang

Trinity… Kenan Thompson

Tech director… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a bunch of actors waiting for the cast list]

Beth: Oh my god! I can’t wait any longer. I have to know if I’m the musical.

Caspar: I know. This is like, the latest Mr. Koneg ever posted the cast list. Like, last year, Gospel was up at like, 10.

Pri: You’re so good in Gospel.

Caspar: I know.

Myles: What if I just like, ran right through this door?

[everybody laughing]

Caspar: That’s hilarious. [Cut to Caspar and Pri] I hope I get to play Conorad Birdie.

Pri: Oh! You know you will. You’re the most talented male in the department.

[Cut to everybody]

Caspar: You really think so?[walking around]

Tyson: Oh, yes! I could never do what you’re doing right now.

Aidy: Okay, I just hope I get to play a person in this show, because I already played a dog in “Annie and the Dog”, and a foot in “The beauty and the beast.”

Pri: Yeah, but you’re so good at playing parts with no lines.

Aidy: Yeah!

[The director, Mr. Koneg, comes in. The actors stay quiet.]

Mr. Koneg: I see the sharks are circling boat.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Ha-ha-ha. So funny, Mr. Koneg.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Shut up Beth.

[Cut to the actors]

Pri: Mr. Koneg, is the cast list done?

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: [sigh] No. Just wanted to inform you all we will be using Hamilton casting rules for this show. So, any race for any part, unless of course, it strikes me as weird. Also, don’t read too much into this, but one senior girl is going to be very disappointed.

[Mr. Koneg looks at Beth and walks out.]

[Cut to the actors]

Beth: Oh my god! I knew it. Mr. Koneg hates me.

Aidy: Don’t be too loud, because I think he likes to watch us spin out through the masks in the door.

[Cut to the mask on the door. Mr. Koneg is watching the actors through the mask’s eye holes.]

[Cut to the actors]

Caspar: Beth, if you don’t get a good part, I don’t even want to do the show. I mean, I have to do it to my senior show, and I’m definitely going to do it no matter what. But still, I’m sorry.

[Mr. Koneg comes in again.]

Mr. Koneg: Miles, would you kiss a girl with tongue if the role required it? I know your family is that difficult kind of Christian.

[Cut to Miles]

Miles: Um, I need to pray on that, see what god leads me to.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Tell god I need an answer now.

[Cut to Miles]

Miles: Well, then, yes sir.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Tell god, gracias. Pri and Tyson, stand next to each other.

[Pri and Tyson walk forward and stand next to each other]

Tyson: Is this good sir? Your hair looks great by the way.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Oh! You’re going to kiss my ass, at least tell me how it tastes.

[Cut to Pri and Tyson]

Tyson: Sorry sir.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: You read like such virgins. Aren’t you dating? Have you not gone all the way?

[Cut to Pri and Tyson]

Pri: Um, no comments.

Tyson: We’re working up to it sir. We’re currently at her jeans on, my jeans and underwear off, my shirt off, her shirt and usually jacket on.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: So, you’re naked and she is fully clothed.

[Cut to Pri and Tyson nodding yes.]

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Your homework before home week is to bang each other’s brains out. And don’t know if you did it, by the way, you carry yourselves.

[Cut to Pri and Tyson]

Tyson: Absolutely.

Pri: Whatever it takes.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Camdan, can I see you stand like a mayor?

[Cut to Camdan]

Camdan: Oh, my god! The mayor has two lines. This is not happening. No!

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Camdan, mayor stands! Meme suspenders please!

[Cut to Camdan]

Camdan: [crying] No, no, no, no, no, no.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Hmm, thank you. Tabby, do you want a leading role?

[Cut to Tabby]

Tabby: Um, I don’t know. I’ll carry either way.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: And that’s why you’ll get one. Caspar!

[Cut to Caspar]

Caspar: Yes, Mr. Koneg.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: Conorad Birdie is an Elvis type. Sing something like you’ve bedded one thousand women.

[Cut to Caspar]

Caspar: Yes!

[singing]

There goes the baker with his tray like always

[Cut to everybody]

Mr. Koneg: Stop! God! You’re talented.

[Cut to Beth smiling at Mr. Koneg]

[Cut to Mr. Koneg]

Mr. Koneg: By the way, the show is canceled.

[Mr. Koneg walks out again.]

Everybody: Aw! What? [Cut to the actors]

Aidy: Guys, no matter happens, we all did a great job.

[Cut to Mr. Koneg walking in with a list]

[Cut to everybody. Mr. Koneg is walking slowly. The actors are trying to look at the list. Mr. Koneg is going to put the list on the notice board.]

Mr. Koneg: Oopsie! I forgot some tape.

[Mr. Koneg walks out again with the list with him]

Everybody: Oh! No!

[Cut to Camdan]

Camdan: Guys, if I got the mayor role, I’ll probably get out of school.

[Cut to everybody. Mr. Koneg walks in with a list again.]

Mr. Koneg: [looking at Camdan] Mr. Mayor!

Everybody: Oh!

[Mr. Koneg sticks the list on the notice board.]

Mr. Koneg: Back up please!

Caspar: What are you doing?

Mr. Koneg: First it must be initiated by choreographer.

[Trinity walks in]

Everybody: Trinity!

Mr. Koneg: Shh!

[Cut to everybody. Trinity checks the list and walks towards the actors.]

Trinity: [looking at Beth] I’m sorry.

Everybody: No! Oh my god!

[The actors try to look at the list]

Mr. Koneg: [covering the list] Ah-ah-ah! Please! And our tech director.

[Cut to the tech director walks in and checks the list]

Tech Director: This is going to be a bitch to like, but I was promised new gel. So, um, stay tuned.

Mr. Koneg: Well, here is your meet.

[Mr. Koneg walks out. The actors rush to look at the list.]

Caspar: Oh, my god! He double cast it? We each only get to do one night?

Everybody: What? No!

[Cut to the mask on the door. Mr. Koneg is watching the actors through the mask’s eye holes.]

Mr. Koneg: Yes! Gorgeous sweet chaos!

Cinema Classics: The Wizard of Oz

Reese DeWhat… Kenan Thompson

Aunt Emma… Aidy Bryant

Dorothy… Kate McKinnon

Hunk… Alex Moffat

Mikey Day

Beck Bennett

Dr. Pickens… Will Farrell

[Starts with Cinema Classics intro]

Announcer: You’re watching “Cinema Classics” on PBS.

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Good evening, and welcome to “Cinema Classics.” I’m your host Reese De’What. Tonight we take a closer look at the beloved 1939 film, “The wizard of OZ.” And recently discovered never before seen alternative ending. Why did they film this ending? I do not know. This is not why I’m here. I’m a bad guesser. Just ask my wife. She asked me to guess what she learned in her exercise class, and I said, “acceptance?” Worst couple’s balloon ride ever. Let’s take a look now at the alternate ending in which Dorothy wakes up to find out that her adventures in OZ were all a dream.

[Cut to the movie. The house is falling down.]

[Cut to Dorothy dreaming]

Aunt Emma: Wake up, Dorothy.

Dorothy: There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home.

Aunt Emma: Dorothy, Dear, It’s aunt Emma, darling.

Dorothy: Auntie Em, it’s you.

Aunt Emma: You’ve got quite the bump on the head. We thought we might lose you for a moment.

Dorothy: Oh, but I did go. I left. And I tried to get back for days and days.

Aunt Emma: Well, there, there. You just had a bad dream.

[Hunk and two other men walk in]

Hunk: Remember me, your old pal Hunk?

Mikey: What about me?

Beck: You couldn’t forget my face, could you?

Dorothy: No, but it wasn’t a dream. It was a place. And you were there and you were there. And you and you were a lion and a tin man, and a scarecrow.

[A dwarf walks in. He is Dr. Pickens.]

Dr. Pickens: And what about me? Was I there? Was I in your dream?

Dorothy: Oh, hi, Dr. Pickens.

Aunt Emma: Yes, doctor. Thanks for coming to check on Dorothy.

Dr. Pickens: She seems fine. So, was I in your dream?

Dorothy: I’m trying to remember.

[Other dwarfs walk in]

Kyle: And what about us?

Bowen: Yeah!

Chris: Yeah!

Maya: Were we in the dream?

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: Well, I mean, everyone was in the—Hey, where’s breakfast?

[Cut to everybody]

Dr. Pickens: What was in the dream? Was I a doctor there, too?

Dorothy: Does it really matter what everybody was?

Chris: What about me? Was I also a teacher?

Kyle: And was I a lawyer?

Dr. Pickens: Tell me what I was.

Dorothy: Okay, well, um, actually, you were a mayor.

Dr. Pickens: Really? A mayor? Of where? New York, Chicago?

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: I’d love to move off the dream stuff, but if you’re insisting it was— Munchkinland.

[Cut to the dwarfs]

Dr. Pickens: Munchkinland?

Bowen: What were we, funny little weirdos?

Dr. Pickens: To make you laugh?

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: Oh, no. Not at all.

[Cut to everybody]

Dr. Pickens: What were we wearing?

Dorothy: What?

Dr. Pickens: [Yelling] What were we wearing?

Dorothy: Well— [Dorothy looks at her dolls]

[Cut to the baby dolls]

Kyle: Oh, my god. [Cut to the dwarfs] When you close your eyes that’s how you see us? As your little nightmare baby dolls?

[Cut to Dorothy]
Dorothy: No, no! You were all heroes in your own small ways.

[Cut to the dwarfs]

Dr. Pickens: I wish the tornado had killed you.

Aunt Emma: Doctor!

Dr. Pickens: Sorry, but I’m mad as hell.

Kyle: Me, too.

Bowen: So mad! [They all start dancing] Okay.

[Cut to everybody]

Dorothy: This is the exact dance you did in the dream.

Aunt Emma: That’s pretty adorable.

Chris: So, we just dance for your amusement?

Dr. Pickens: Like fools?

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: No, no, you danced on the grave of the lady I killed. [Cut to everybody] That was your job as part of lollipop. Guild.

Maya: So, we owned a lollipop factory?

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: No, you just kind of held them, kissed them and rode them. Around like little horses.

[Cut to the dwarfs]

Kyle: Oh, my god. So these lollipops–

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: Were bigger than your head? Yes. It’s more dignified than it sounds. The munchkins, you see, were a noble race.

[Cut to Kyle and Bowen]

Bowen: Race?

Dorothy: I can’t help what I dreamed. [Cut to Dorothy] There were all sorts of creatures there.

[Cut to everybody]

Dr. Pickens: Creatures?

Dorothy: Yeah, like flying monkeys.

Kyle: So we’re on the same level as an airborne chimp.

Dorothy: I’m so sorry. I know this all sounds strange, but you were a very important part of the adventure.

Maya: So, we were with you the whole way?

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: No, I kind of peaced out to the woods with my dog and I think maybe saw that one of you had hanged yourself?

[Cut to Dr. Pickens]

Dr. Pickens: And what did you do about it?

[Cut to Dorotny]

Dorothy: Um, goodnight.

[Cut to everybody]

Dr. Pickens: Let’s get our of here. Your house is a dump, by the way.

[Cut to Dorothy pretending to sleep]

[Cheers and applause]