Tag: Pete Davidson

Graveyard Song (ft. Jim Carrey)

Janelle… Sasheer Zamata

Arla… Pete Davidson

Reaper… Jay Pharoah

Tombstones… Bobby Moynihan, Kate McKinnon

Phil… Jim Carrey

Paul… Taran Killam

[Starts with a video clip of graveyard.]

Janelle: Arla, this place is creeping me out.

[Cut to Janelle and Arla walking with a 6-pack]

Reaper: Come on, Janelle. What better place to get faded on that a graveyard?

Janelle: You’re so bad. It’s hot.

[music playing]

Wait! What’s that sound?

Reaper: I hear it too. Is that music?

[Everything in the graveyard is singing]

Everything: On Halloween, this place comes alive
spirits and hearts begin to rise
you’ve come here in the worst of nights
Say hello to our graveyard fights

[statue of Reaper starts walking down]

Reaper: I am the reaper, the keeper of the dead
tonight I’m going to keep your head

[Cut to two tombstone statues]

Tombstones: We are the spooky tombstone band
we sing the chorus of the damned

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: I am a twisted rotting tree.

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Paul and Phil: We are Paul and Phil

[Cut to two tombstone statues]

Tombstones: Since you’ve arrived on Halloween
You are doomed to never leave

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: Are you scared?

Paul and Phil: Paul and Phil

Tree: Are you terrified?

Paul and Phil: Paul and Phil
Paul and Phil

Phil: Couple of dead guys.

Paul: We hail from the Hawkeye state. 

Phil: Paul and Phil

Paul: Phil and Paul

Paul and Phil: Can you guess who’s who? We’ll never tell.

Paul: Yes we will. I am Paul.

Phil: I guess I am Phil.

Paul and Phil: Now you know who’s Paul, who’s Phil. Paul and Phil!

[music stops]

Tombstones: Shut up! [Cut to tombstones] Shut up! Now! Just shut up!

[Cut to Janelle and Arla]

Janelle: What is this? What do you want with us?

Arla: The only thing I know for sure is that they’re Paul and Phil

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: We’re trying to explain everything to you with our song, but Paul and Phil made it the Paul and Phil show.

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Paul: Oh, tree. Did we go on too long? Gosh! Darn it!

Phil: It was just so darn fun.

[Cut to Janelle and Arla]

Arla: Are Paul and Phil like, a part of this? Because, I’m not scared of Paul and Phil.

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Phil: Aw, thanks man!

[Cut to tombstones.]

Tombstone: Paul and Phil are just some nice casual ghosts, just sort of always around.

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Paul: Yep! Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. I died chasing a butterfly off a cliff.

Phil: And when I found out he was dead, I killed myself.

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: Can we please continue our song?

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Paul: Well, that sounds good to us. Hey, where are we jumping in?

Phil: Are we rehearsed?

[Cut to the tombstones]

Tombstone: Hey! We’re starting.

[music playing]

We see you all consumed by fear
of all could things that could happen in here

[Cut to the reaper]

Reaper: I could slice you with my scythe. 

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: You could hang from my tree.

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Paul and Phil: Or, kind of rug with Paul and Phil

Phil: Coz everybody gotta have a place to go

Paul: If you can dig in

Paul and Phil: Or get down below

[acting like digging with a spade]

tsk-foo tsk-foo tsk-foo tsk-foo
That move is called ‘the Paul and Phil’

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: [yelling] No! Absolutely not!

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Phil: Did we jump in again too soon? I thought we were on our song after the tree!

[Cut to Reaper]

Reaper: Who told you that/

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Paul and Phil: I think maybe you.

[Cut to Janelle and Arla]

Janelle: Can we just go?

[Cut to the tombstones]

Tombstone: Not so fast. We’ll only let you leave, if you can solve our riddle.

[Cut to Janelle and Arla]

Arla: Well, can you tell us the riddle?

[Cut to everybody]

Tombstone: No, but we can sing it. [laughing]

[music playing]

[Cut to Reaper]

Reaper: What passes by but has no lane?

[Cut to the tombstones]

Tombstones: What has a face with no eyes to gaze?

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: What can strike–

[Paul and Phil interrupts]

Paul and Phil: Oh, it’s a clock!

Tree: Hell no! Hell no! Hell no, Paul and Phil! Hell no! You don’t ruin the riddle!

[Cut to Janelle and Arla]

Janelle: Cool. It’s a clock. Now, can we go?

Arla: Thanks Paul and Phil. Have a beer.

[Arla passes a beer to Paul and Phil but they cannot hold the can]

Phil: We’re ghosts. That beer went right through me.

Paul: Yes, it always did.

[Cut to everybody]

[music playing]

Paul and Phil: Paul and Phil
we’re Paul and Phil
we’re Paul and Phil
Paul and Phil
Paul and Phil

 

Weekend Update Pete Davidson

Michael Che

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: After having problems last year, the BET ne2rk has announced a ‘No guns’ policy for their Michael Che0Pete Davidson4 Hip Hop Awards. Here to comment is a hip hop fan, Pete Davidson.

[cheers and applause]

[Pete Davidson slides in]

Pete Davidson: Yo, what up?

Michael Che: Pete, why does an award show need a ‘No guns’ policy?

Pete Davidson: Well, what people need to understand is that this type of behavior happens when you wear a gold chain. [Cut to Pete Davidson] I did something stupid this summer. I bought this gold chain. I really bought it. And here’s some advice I wish I knew when buying a gold chain. The fake ones look exactly like the real ones. I also notice that your chain is your personality. Like, it gives you too much confidence. Like, buying the chain was stupid because I already have rapper posture. You know, rappers have bad posture because they wear these gold chains and it weighs them down. I have bad posture because I hate myself.

I bought it because I was watching MTV and my favorite rapper came on. His name is 2 Chainz. I don’t know if you’ve heard of him. He’s a real person. You know? You know he’s a real person because he says he’s real in every song. Like, out of nowhere, he’ll just be like, “I’m real.” Oh, my god! I had no idea, 2 Chainz. This whole time.

Anyways, I was watching 2 Chainz and in the middle of the rap song, he just goes, “You’re a bitch if you ain’t got a chain.” And I was like, “Well, I’m not a bitch.” So, I went out and I spent half of my net worth on this gold chain. It was just a bad decision. I can’t wear this outside. I’m 6’3″, Pete Davidson45 pounds. I have a problem with wind. Plus, if I wear a gold chain, I will get stoned immediately. I might as well walk through the hood with it and scream, “Dinner’s ready.” So now, I just wear it around the house so that it gives me confidence.

[Cut to Michael Che and Pete Davidson]

Michael Che: Well, does it work?

Pete Davidson: Yeah! Like, yesterday I was eating my dinner and I couldn’t finish it. So, I put the chain on and I finished it.

Michael Che: Pete Davidson, everybody!

The Group Hopper

Kyle Mooney

Thero… Pete Davidson

Beck Bennett

Sasheer Zamata

King… Bill Hader

[Starts with clips of a man breathing fast in a broken elevator.]

[Slowly the ceiling opens. There are people looking down to you.]

[Kyle jumps in]

Kyle: Hey, semi. Welcome to Gray World.

[Kyle gives Thero a bag]

[Cut to Thero looking around. The place is surrounded by a wall.]

Male voice: This fall.

Thero: What is this place?

[Cut to Thero and Beck walking and looking at the wall]

It looks post-apocalyptic or something.

Beck: The metal fields. This is where the semi stayed where the groupers passed them on to the shorties for sorting.

Thero: What’s over those walls?

[Sasheer walks in]

Sasheer: Nothing much, except the death virus.

Male voice: From the director of Maze Runner. The producer of Divergent. And a casual fan of The Giver.

[Cut to Kyle following Thero in a field]

Kyle: Smooth move, kid. Showing up on category day! Now you’re gonna get put into category, no matter what. [Kyle throws a bag to Thero again]

Male voice: Adapted from YA novel, written entirely in the comment section of a Hunger Games trailer.

[Cut to Thero and Sasheer]

Sasheer: Who are you anyway?

Thero: My name’s Thero. I never met my parents but my name’s tattooed at my back.

[Thero opens his shirt.]

[Cut to Beck walking to Thero]

Beck: Wait a second. That doesn’t say Thero.

Thero: What does it say?

Beck: The Hero.

[Cut to an Asian man]

Asian man: Destiny!

Male voice: A hero will rise.

[Cut to King speaking from above to all the people. He has his face painted like a lady.]

King: You are all the same. There’s nothing special or unique about any of you. And now, you’ll be put into groups.

[Cut to Thero]

Thero: What does he mean, ‘groups’.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: There is the emotionals, the foodies, the acidics and gryffindor.

[Cut to Thero]

Thero: When I grow up, I wanna be a freelander.

Sasheer: But you can’t. You were born as circumscriber and [Cut to Sasheer] and you always be.

[Cut to Thero]

Thero: But what if I wasn’t.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: You’re right. You’re not. [Cut to Thero and Sasheer holding hands.] And I love you.

Thero: Dope.

[Cut to King]

King: You’ll be given even dirtier clothes arranged in lines. And you must obey me. Because I am your king. Or queen. You’ll figure it out.

[Sound of a metal rod being dragged on a floor is coming while King is trying to move.]

[King is struggling to move.]

[The bodyguards try to help.]

I got it! I got it! Thank you.

[Cut to the people walking in the underground path with fire torches.]

Male voice: A system will fall.

Thero: We’ve got to find a way out of here.

Sasheer: Even if you made it through, you still have to survive the lurkies. And they are lurking everywhere.

Beck: And you can only kill a lurky with a zoomerang. [Cut to Beck] But, nobody’s seen one of those for a thousand years to the day.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Unrelated. Do you have any necklaces?

[Cut to everybody]

Thero: Just this one.

[Thero shows his necklace. It has a shape of boomerang.]

Sasheer: You’re the chosen one. And I’m a virgin pregnant with your baby.

[Cut to Thero]

Thero: Well, that sucks!

[Cut to King walking in his castle wit his bodyguards.]

King: Bring me the one they call Thero. Dead or alive. But preferably alive. Right? Boop!

[Cut to Kyle, Thero, Beck and Sasheer]

Beck: It’s still lurkies. Quick, let’s hide in the dream swamp.

Kyle: We can’t, swampsters!

Thero: Then we’ve only got one choice. [Showing his boomerang necklace] We fight!

[Cut to an Asian man]

Asian man: Zoomerang!

[Cut to the people running]

Male voice: On October Kyle0th, meet The Group Hopper.

Thero: We will not be categoried!

Male voice: Put him in a group and he’ll hop his ass right out.

[Cut to Thero]

Thero: Hey lurky! [Cut to a goat with a helmet on] It’s time to change the world.

[Thero throws the zoomerang at the lurky. The zoomerang just falls under the lurky, but it blasts when the lurky steps on it.]

[Cut to an Asian man]

Asian man: What?

Male voice: The Group Hopper. Rated G for asexual kissing.

The Cat In The Hat and Linda

Linda… Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Pete Davidson

Cat in the hat… Bill Hader

Thing 2… Taran Killam

[Starts with a clip of a house at a raining night]

Linda: Why are you filled with dismay? [Cut to inside the house] You should go out and enjoy this fine day.

[Cut to Aidy and Pete]

Aidy: It’s been raining, dear mother. As long as we’ve known.

Pete: We are bored, sweet mother. Bored to the bone.

Aidy: I want someone to play with. Someone who’s fun.

Pete: Perhaps, if we imagine, we’ll find the one.

[door knocking]

[Cut to everybody. Cat walks in the door.]

Cat: Hello, little kiddies. A-rada-tac-tac,

f you haven’t put it together, I’m the cat in the hat.

Linda: Cat, what are you doing here?

[Cut to Cat]

Cat: Linda? My god! You look good.

[Cut to Aidy and Pete]

Pete: Mommy, what’s going on?

Aidy: You know the cat guy?

[Cut to Linda and Cat]

Linda: Yes. No. I met him before.

Cat: Met? Well, that’s what we call it now?

Linda: Okay, I think maybe you should leave.

[Cut to Aidy and Pete]

Aidy: No, Mr. Cat, we don’t want you to go. Can you please stay and put on a fun show?

[Cut to everybody]

Cat: Show? Yeah! Sure.

[Cat starts speaking funny]

I always appear when children are sad,

so tell me young kiddies, where is your dad?

[Cut to Cat. He starts questioning] Like, does he live here? Is he still here?

[Cut to Linda]

Linda: You know what? He’s at work. He is reliable. I don’t have to say a rhyme to make him come home.

[Cut to Aidy and Pete]

Pete: Do some tricks!

[Cut to everybody]

Cat: Wait, you want tricks. Yeah! Sure. You like juggling?

Pete: Yeah!

Cat: [speaking funnily] I can juggle with this.

I can juggle with fish

I can juggle with this

I can–

[Cat jumps and stops near a picture]

You cut me out of this picture? That makes sense, but it’s hard to see.

[Cut to Linda]

Linda: Yeah, um, maybe it’d be better if you’d just go.

[Cut to Cat, Aidy and Pete]

Aidy: No!

Pete: He can’t leave.

Cat: They’re right. I literally can’t leave because they imagined me.

[Cut to everybody]

Linda: Great! Okay, so here we are!

Cat: No, no. Look, look, I didn’t plan on this.

[Cat goes near to Linda]

[Cut to Linda and Cat]

I mean– You got an eyelash.

[Cat picks Linda’s eyelashes]

Linda: Don’t, you just want to touch my face.

Cat: Yes, maybe. I am sorry.

[Linda starts crying]

Linda: I’m sorry. This is just really hard for me to see you.

Cat: Oh, hey! It’s hard for me too. Here, here, take this.

[Cat pulls handkerchiefs out of his sleeve. It’s a magic trick where the handkerchief doesn’t stop coming out.]

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: Wow!

[Aidy and Pete start pulling the handkerchief.]

Cat: Here. Here. Here. Here.

[Cut to Linda and Cat]

Take this.

[Cat gives Linda a handkerchief to wipe her tears.]

[Linda and Cat are about to kiss]

Aidy: [interrupting Linda and Cat] Mr. Cat, you wanna see me dance?

[Cut to everybody]

[Aidy starts dancing]

Cat: Yes, sure. Yes, go on.

[Aidy is dancing]

Hey, look at that. Yes, that’s great. [Cut to Linda and Cat] Great dance.

Linda: She got set from you.

Cat: Wait, is she my daughter?

[Thing 2 walks in the door]

Thing 2: Haidi-ho! My wife and children! Cat? Wow, um, what are you doing here?

Cat: Hey, Thing 2.

Thing 2: Actually, I go by Jonathing now.

Linda: Cat was just on his way out.

Thing 2: Oh! Good! That’s good! She picked me, cat!

Cat: I’ll go. I’ll go. I’m sorry. [Cut to everybody] I’ll go.

[Cut to Cat at the door]

Of all the places she let me go–

Thing 2: [yelling] You! Get out of here!

[Cat left.]

Inside SoCal Is Art Gangster

Todd… Kyle Mooney

Casey… Beck Bennett

Eric… Pete Davidson

Emily Hyde… Kate McKinnon

Pat… Taran Killam

Carla Meunez… Cecily Strong

Sean… Bill Hader

Bobby Moyniham

[Starts with San Deigo County Public Access Television video bumper]

[Cut to Todd and Casey in their set]

Todd: Alright, I’m Todd.

Casey: And I’m Casey.

Todd: And you’re watching…

Casey: [whispering to Todd] Together on three.

Todd: [whispering] One, two, three.

Todd and Casey: Inside So Cal.

[Cut to Inside So Cal intro]

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Alright. So, our top story is our boy Ryan Tableton got married this weekend and a bunch of the boys went. I’m not usually into church or gods or whatever but I thought ceremony was super gangster.

[Cut to Casey]

Casey: Seeing two souls uniting as one.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Also, you don’t have to dance. Okay, now let’s do Health Minute with Casey.

[Cut to Health Minute with Casey video bumper.]

[Cut to Casey. There’s a white board behind him with a bar diagram]

Casey: Alright, so Matt new all got Vicatin and anyone can get it on that. That was a Health Minute.

[Cut to Health Minute with Casey video bumper.]

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Okay, so we got developing story. Apparently, Emily Hyde is like, super pissed at Pat right now. So, let’s go to Eric at the Lendwood house and see what’s going on. What up Eric?

Eric: What’s up, guys?

Casey: Wad up?

[Cut to Eric]

Eric: So, I’m here with Emily and Pat. Emily, why are so mad at Pat right now?

Emily Hyde: Coz he sent pictures to my friends.

Pat: Yeah, but I don’t like them the way I like you. I just beat off to them.

Eric: Alright, well, so there you have it. As you can see, things are pretty real over here. Back to you folks.

[Cut to Todd and Casey]

Casey: Now, it’s time for this week’s Ill Investigations with my boy Todd.

[Cut to Ill Investigations video bumper]

[Cut to Todd in a restaurant]

Todd: Reherbata is one of my favorite restaurants. But why don’t they do the red salsa anymore? I had this chance to down with Carla Meunez who works here. Let’s see why they stopped doing it.

[Cut to Todd with Carla Meunez]

Where is the red salsa at?

Carla Meunez: Oh! Um, no–

Todd: I’ma boys love the red salsa.

Carla Meunez: [not speaking English] No, we–

Todd: What?

Carla Meunez: No, it’s no more.

Todd: You’re gonna bring back the red salsa?

Carla Meunez: [struggling to speak in English] Okay, no more. We don’t have no more. No more.

Todd: The red salsa used to be the best part of Reherbata. [Carla Meunez just walks away] Alright, I guess they’re not doing the red salsa anymore.

[Cut to Ill Investigations video bumper]

[Cut to Casey]

Casey: Next, our story on Lindsay Turell who cut her hair short over the summer, which looks good on her small head.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Alright, which bring us to our Feature Story. When you think about art, you think like, “That’s something my dad likes”, or smarter people like. Michelle Grannis. But actually, art can be pretty gangster. So, we sent Sean out to tell us it’s gangster.

Sean: Blue, yellow, green, colors in art. But, how baller can art be? I’m here in a fucking museum to find out.

[Cut to Feature Story video bumper]

[Cut to Sean]

Sean: When they first started doing art, it was lot older. And they didn’t know how to make a pint. But then, it was more abstract and now you look at it and it’s way more, you know–

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: You’re trying to say it’s more baller?

[Cut to Sean]

Sean: You know, coz it’s like, you know– I play maden right? So–

[Cut to Casey confused]

Casey: What are you talking about?

[Cut to Sean]

Sean: A little refrigerator.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Alright, I think I get what you’re saying Sean. [looking confused]

[Cut to Todd and Casey]

Alright, this has been Inside So Cal. Oh! Do you want to say the thing about your grandpa?

Casey: Um, yeah! So, my grandpa died and we were like, super close. But, I’d like to believe that even though he’s gone, he’s still with us.

[Bobby walks in]

Bobby: Hey, what are you doing in my house?

Todd: Sorry, sir. I’m Todd.

Casey: I’m Casey.

[Todd and Casey stands]

Bobby: Now, get out.

Todd: Sorry sir.

Bobby: Get our of my garage.

Casey: We’re almost done. We’re sorry.

Bobby: Wee-wee-wee, You’re sorry?

Todd: That’s not how I sound sir.

Bobby: That is how you sound. [Bobby pushes Todd]

[They start fighting]

Herb Welch Virginity Pledge Rally

Chuck Dawes… Taran Killam

Herb Welsh… Bill Hader

Michael Fitzgerald… Pete Davidson

President of Abstinence Association… Cecily Strong

[Starts with WXPD News, New York intro]

Announcer: You’re watching WXPD News, New York

[Cut to Chuck Dawes in his news set]

Chuck Dawes: Good morning. I’m Chuck Dawes filling in for the Alin Jack Burns. Our top story today, a number of Staten Island teens have assembled in front of the high school to sign a virginity pledge. Federan reporter Herb Welsh is on the scene who today is celebrating his 6Chuck Dawesst year here at our network.

[Cut to Herb Welsh]

Herb Welsh: Hello, Chuck. [cheers and applause]

[Cut to split screen. Chuck Dawes on the left and Herb Welsh on the right.]

Chuck Dawes: Hello, Herb and congratulations. Now, tell us, what’s happening at the rally?

[Cut to Herb Welsh. He is with Michael Fitzgerald]

Herb Welsh: I’m here with Michael Fitzgerald

Michael Fitzgerald: Hey, how you doing?

Herb Welsh: You don’t look like a Fitzgerald to me. Alright, what’s this all about?

[Herb Welsh hits Michael Fitzgerald’s mouth with the mic]

Michael Fitzgerald: Um, we just feel like there’s too much pressure on teens these days. Like, sex wise.

Herb Welsh: You got a kid?

[Herb Welsh hits Michael Fitzgerald’s mouth with the mic again]

Michael Fitzgerald: What? No, I’m a virgin.

Herb Welsh: Why do you have a diaper bag?

[Herb Welsh hits Michael Fitzgerald’s mouth with the mic again]

Michael Fitzgerald: Um, it’s not a diaper bag. It’s just what I carry my books in.

Herb Welsh: And there you have it. Don’t believe the hype. Central Park remains unsafe for women after dark. Back to you Chuck.

[Cut to the split screen]

Chuck Dawes: No! No! No, Herb, no! Come on!

Herb Welsh: What’s that? What happened?

Chuck Dawes: Ask him how many students are involved in taking the pledge.

Herb Welsh: I don’t take orders from Managans.

Chuck Dawes: Come on, Herb.

Herb Welsh: I know you’re smooth down there.

[audience laughing]

[Cut to Herb Welsh and Michael Fitzgerald]

How many?

[Herb Welsh hits Michael Fitzgerald’s mouth with the mic again]

Michael Fitzgerald: How many what?

Herb Welsh: Oh, you scared of me? Big Nick?

[Herb Welsh starts hitting Michael Fitzgerald with the mic]

Chuck Dawes: No! Hey! Hey!

[Cut to split screen]

Herb! Ask him if the pledge is affiliated with the school.

Herb Welsh: Stick a zag out of that side burns.

Chuck Dawes: Alright, dude, please, just ask the question.

[Cut to Herb Welsh and Michael Fitzgerald]

Herb Welsh: Who started this thing?

[Herb Welsh hits Michael Fitzgerald’s mouth with the mic again]

Michael Fitzgerald: Well, a couple of us, actually.

Herb Welsh: Spill the beans.

[Herb Welsh hits Michael Fitzgerald’s mouth with the mic again]

[President of Abstinence Association walks in and Michael Fitzgerald walks out]

President of Abstinence Association: Excuse me. I am the president of the school’s Abstinence Association.

Herb Welsh: Well, there you have it. The rest have a monkey in outer space. Back to you, Chuck.

[Cut to split screen]

Chuck Dawes: No, Herb! Herb, why don’t you talk to that organizer?

Herb Welsh: Why didn’t your wife take your last name? [audience laughing] Coward.

[Cut to Herb Welsh and President of Abstinence Association]

Hola, que pasa senorita?

[Herb Welsh hits President of Abstinence Association’s mouth with the mic again]

President of Abstinence Association: Okay, the media and Tv have put too much emphasis on teenage sex for too long.

[As President of Abstinence Association is trying to speak, Herb Welsh pulls the mic away.]

Herb Welsh: Well, there you have it folks. And when they go to the board room, Latin Americans are on the move.

Chuck Dawes: Wrong! [Cut to split screen] Herb! No! That is not what we’re doing, Herb.

[Cut to Herb Welsh]

Herb Welsh: Don’t tell me how to do the news you drug store Indian!

[Herb Welsh walks up to the camera and starts hitting the camera with the mic.]

[Cut to Chuck Dawes]

Chuck Dawes: Just cut away, please. All apologies to you at home. Up next, we’ll talk to a school administrator. [Chuck Dawes puts his finger in his ear and listen to his earphone.] But first some troubling news. We just received word that our own Herb Welsh has suffered a heart attack just Chuck Dawes5 seconds ago.

[Cut to two security holding Herb Welsh, and Michael Fitzgerald is speaking to the camera.]

Michael Fitzgerald: I can’t believe he’s dead. It just happened so quick.

Herb Welsh: The show is over! [Herb Welsh was pretending to get the TV attention. He starts hitting Michael Fitzgerald again and again]

Weekend Update Pete Davidson Talks Business

Michael Che

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: A Pennsylvania teenager faces up to Michael Che years in prison for photographing himself in a sexual position with a statue of Jesus. Here to comment is our resident young person. Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: How’s it going, Che?

Michael Che: Good. Everything is good. Now, do you approve what this kid did?

Pete Davidson: I don’t approve of what he did but however, kids my age do that stuff all the time. For example, have you ever played the ‘how much money would you go down on the guy for’ game?

Michael Che: I don’t think so, Pete.

Pete Davidson: Well, [Cut to Pete Davidson] for those of you who don’t know what the game is, it’s basically one of your friends will be like, “Hey, man, would you go down a guy for $1 million?” And then we would all lie and be like, “No!”

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Michael Che]

Michael Che: So, you’re saying you would go down on a guy for $1 million?

Pete Davidson: Of course I would. $1 million is a steel. [Cut to Pete Davidson] I hope he starts with a million. I would do it for like, 3,000 if I had to be honest with myself. Even if I was doing well. Like, even if I was on a boat and it was my boat, I would still do it. A boat needs fuel. A lot of people don’t realize that. They just get a boat and then they’re in the middle of the ocean with no fuel and they’re like, “I wish I had done with that guy.” You know? I wouldn’t be stuck in the middle of the ocean now.

People would be like, “Well, Pete, you must be gay.” And I’m like, “No, I’m a businessman.” Look, if you’re gay, it’s fine. Me and my friends are just trying to make money. Alright? If you don’t go down on a guy for $1 million, you obviously don’t care about your family.

When I was in high school 3 years ago, my opinion was different. Whenever I played that game and my friends asked me if would go down on a guy for $1 million, I’d be like, “No, gross!” And I mean that because times were different. I lived with my mom at that time. I had food, clothes, I had a TV in my room. I didn’t need to go down on the guy. My mom was already doing that.

But now, I live on my own. So, I think two times a year is acceptable amount of times to go down on a guy. It makes complete sense. Once in the summer so you have a great summer. You go to six flags and bring your entire family. Get the flash pass. And then once right before Christmas so the whole family eats. I actually think that’s quite noble. Just think of how proud you’ll be at thanksgiving dinner when your grandpa’s saying grace and he’s like, “We’d like to thank Pete’s mouth for this wonderful feast.

Some people are like, “Hey, Pete, won’t you have to go to therapy?” I’m like, “Yeah, but guess who could afford therapy now?”

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Supply and demand. Pete Davidson, everybody!

NFL intros

Jim Nantz… Beck Bennett

Phil Simms… Taran Killam

Derrick Watkins, Terrence White, Devin Peters, Kendrick Douglas… Kenan Thompson

Kyle Jeffries, Bart Doleman… Bobby Moynihan

Terry Pope, Lavar Washington, Jacob Reynolds, Abaskuul Sulemon… Jay Pharoah

Victor Naples, Jeffrey Wilkins, Donald Washburn, Barry Jenkins… Chris Pratt

Calvin Williams, Greg Watkins… Kyle Mooney

Marvin Ingram… Michael Che

Willie Sampson, Wendell Jones… Pete Davidson

Tim Stevens… Colin Jost

Mrs. Kendrick Douglas… Leslie Jones

[Starts with NFL intro]

[Cut to Jim Nantz and Phil Simms. They are the show reporters.]

Jim Nantz: Hello and welcome to the NFL on CBS. I’m Jim Nantz and with me in the booth is Phil Simms.

Phil Simms: Great to be here, Jim.

Jim Nantz: Obviously, NFL is under tremendous scrutiny right now, with the series of embarrassing scandals over the past few weeks.

Phil Simms: But they’re trying their best to move forward and start taking responsibility for their actions.

Jim Nantz: Accountability. That’s what the NFL is all about. And I think you’ll see that reflected in today’s player introductions. First, let’s meet Baltimore Raven’s offense.

[Cut to Derrick Watkins]

Derrick Watkins: Derrick Watkins. Assault!

[Cut to Kyle Jeffries]

Kyle Jeffries: Kyle Jeffries. Man slaughter!

[Cut to Terry Pope.]

Terry Pope: Terry Pope. Abort an assault rifle to a barbecue.

[Cut to Victor Naples]

Victor Naples: Victor Naples. Whole bunch of stuff.

[Cut to Calvin Williams]

Calvin Williams: Calvin Williams. Lootering with an intent to murder.

[Cut to Marvin Ingram]

Marvin Ingram: Marvin Ingram. I was accused of sexual assault at the Ohio State University.

[Cut to Willie Sampson]

Willie Sampson: Willie Sampson. Treason.

[Cut to Jeffrey Wilkins]

Jeffrey Wilkins: Jeffrey Wilkins. Involuntary prostitution.

[Cut to Terrence White]

Terrence White: Terrence White. I od’ed on penis pills.

[Cut to Lavar Washington]

Lavar Washington: Lavar Washington. I punched a mailman. That’s federal, baby.

[Cut to Tim Stevens]

Tim Stevens: And I am the punter. Tax fraud.

[Cut back to Jim Nantz and Phil Simms]

Jim Nantz: Wow, certainly a different line than we used to see.

Phil Simms: Well, there have been a lot of suspensions, so the team looks significantly different than they did last week.

Jim Nantz: The players look less athletic.

Phil Simms: I notice that as well.

Jim Nantz: Now, will the players be discussing the punishments they receive for their offences?

Phil Simms: [speaking secretly] Well, no, there weren’t any. So were not.

Jim Nantz: Now, let’s meet the visiting Carolina Panther’s defense.

[Cut to Jacob Reynolds]

Jacob Reynolds: Jacob Reynolds. Burned down a strip club.

[Cut to Donald Washburn]

Donald Washburn: Donald Washburn. American taliban.

[cut to Wendell Jones]

Wendell Jones: Wendell Jones. I love cocaine.

[Cut to Devin Peters]

Devin Peters: Devin Peters. Stanford.

[Cut to Bart Doleman]

Bart Doleman: Bart Doleman. I haven’t done nothing yet, but I’m gonna.

[cut to Barry Jenkins]

Barry Jenkins: Barry Jenkins. I did some weird stuff on a cruise ship.

[Cut to Greg Watkins]

Greg Watkins: Greg Watkins. I was in that cruise too. It was pretty fun.

[Cut to Abaskuul Sulemon]

Abaskuul Sulemon: Abaskuul Sulemon. Somali pirate.

[Cut to Kendrick Douglas]

Kendrick Douglas: Kendrick Douglas. I hit my wife.

[Cut to Mrs. Kendrick Douglas]

Mrs. Kendrick Douglas: And I’m his wife. I hit his ass back.

[Cut to Melvin McDonald]

Melvin McDonald: Melvin McDonald. I sent a picture of my ding dong to Michelle Obama. Go Panthers.

[Cut back to Jim Nantz and Phil Simms]

Jim Nantz: Well, as you can see it’s a whole new era for the National Football League.

Phil Simms: So, let’s get you straight to the field for kick off. We’ll see you back here for the half time show featuring Chris Brown. And a very special tribute to Pacman Jones.

Jim Nantz: Yes, it’s the NFL on CBS.

[Ends with an outro]

Kissing Video Game Characters

Taran Killam

Bret… Bobby Moynihan

Video game girl… Venessa Bayer

Video game boy… Chris Pratt

Sasheer Zamata

Ben… Pete Davidson

Puzzle Wizard… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with some people in the office. They are testing a game.]

Taran: Alright guys, I would say thank you for your time but we’re playing you to play video games. So, maybe you should be thanking me.

Bret: Yeah, my mom said we would get 25 bucks.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: That is correct. Up to $25 in food vouchers. Now, your input is going to help make Puzzle World six the best game possible. So, all we want is your honest first impression, alright? So, Bret, why don’t you start off.

[They start testing the game.]

[Cut to the game. A man and a woman walk in.]

Video game girl: We need your help. The puzzle wizard put a spell on our world.

Video game boy: If you don’t help us solve these puzzles, he’ll destroy all the beloved happiness.

Video game girl: To clear each stage, use the pieces to complete the shape.

Video game boy: We’ll be right here cheering you on.

Video game girl: Ready?

Video game girl and Video game boy: Go for it!

[The puzzle gets solved]

Video game girl: Way to go.

Video game girl and Video game boy: You did it!

[Video game girl and Video game boy start kissing]

[Cut to the testers staring at the game]

[Cut to Video game girl and Video game boy. They start feeling each other’s bodies.]

Video game girl: I feel so safe in your arm.

Video game boy: You are.

[Video game girl jumps off]

Video game girl: Press A for the next puzzle.

[Cut to the testers.]

Taran: That was great. Does anybody have any feedback on that?

[All testers raise their hands.]

Oh, wow. Alright. Bret, go ahead.

[Cut to Bret]

Bret: Okay, those two people just gently kissed for a long time.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Yeah, that doesn’t seem like it goes with this kind of game.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Um, well they’re celebrating your puzzle solving skills. Remember, you’re helping them restore love to their kingdom.

[Cut to Ben]

Ben: But I felt like I saw too much, kind of like, hot tension.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Uh-huh. Well, guys, this is Puzzle World six. Okay? So, we gotta step up the story telling as well as the game play.

[Cut to Bret]

Bret: Okay, well, the game play was like, stupid easy.

[Cut to everybody. Taran is jotting down the point.]

Taran: Stupid easy. Alright, that helps. Great! Why don’t you do the next one?

[Cut to Sasheer. She holds the joystick.]

[Cut to the game.]

Video game girl: Stage two. Complete this shape.

Video game boy: The faster you do it, the more points you get.

Video game girl: Ready?

Video game girl and Video game boy: Go for it!

[The puzzle gets solved]

Video game girl: Way to go.

Video game girl and Video game boy: You did it!

[Video game girl and Video game boy start kissing again. Video game girl starts unbuttoning Video game boy’s shirt.]

Video game boy: No. Please.

Video game girl: What?

Video game boy: I was in a terrible accident. [Video game girl sees a burn in Video game boy’s shoulder] I was in an explosion. I am hideous.

Video game girl: Shh! Shh! You’re beautiful. [Video game girl starts kissing Video game boy’s burn]

[Video game girl and Video game boy look forward]

Video game girl: Great job!

Video game boy: You got serious puzzle power.

[Cut to the testers]

Sasheer: How many levels are in this game?

Taran: Uh, fifty-five. So, we better get going. Ben, jump in here.

[Cut to Ben. He holds the joystick.]

Ben: Oh, man!

[Cut to the game]

Video game girl: Stage three. Go.

[Video game girl starts talking to Video game boy]

You have to leave.

Video game boy: What? Why?

Video game girl: You know why. I am married.

[Cut to Ben]

Ben: Ah! Their relationship drama is blocking the puzzle. I can’t play. I can’t play the game.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Shh! [He is eating popcorn while watching the game.]

[Cut to the testers]

Bret: Ah! Okay! Okay! Enough! Enough! Quit the game. Quit the game.

[Cut to Video game girl and Video game boy]

Video game girl and Video game boy: Oh, no! Game over.

[Puzzle Wizard walks in]

Puzzle Wizard: Evil wins, fools! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to the testers]

Taran: Um, excuse me Bret. We still have like Video game girl more hours of testing. That’s gonna go pretty slow if you keep quitting the game.

Bret: I don’t care. You can keep the $25. I just can’t take anymore of that.

Taran: What?

[Cut to Video game boy and Puzzle Wizard holding Video game girl together.]

Weekend Update: Pete Davidson on STD Prevention

Michael Che

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: A recent report by the census for disease control states that 110 million Americans have sexually transmitted diseases at any one time. Here to talk about it is our resident young person, Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: What’s up Mike?

Michael Che: Now, Pete, you’re a young person. What precautions do you have to prevent STDs?

Pete Davidson: Well. like, recently I got lucky and I had sex.  But the next day I woke up, I looked at my penis, it looked all messed up.

Michael Che: Well, you used the condom, right?

Pete Davidson: Yeah! That’s exactly why I was so scared. [Cut to Pete Davidson] Like, “How did I get something if I used a condom? Was she that bad of a person? That it burned through the condom? Was that possible?”

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Well, what did you do?

Pete Davidson: Oh, I did what anybody else would do. I sent a picture of my penis to my mom because she’s a nurse, and I figured she would know.

Michael Che: You sent a picture of your penis to your mother?

Pete Davidson: Yeah, but I forgot to call her. Is that weird?

Michael Che: Yeah, man. That’s pretty weird.

Pete Davidson: Look, my mom sees plenty of penises [Cut to Pete Davidson] and make sure they’re okay. Why not see her own son’s? You know? My penis should be the most important to her in every way except one.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright, but it still kind of weird, Pete.

Pete Davidson: I know. But, [Cut to Pete Davidson] I love her. And I was like– I sent it in nice way. I was like, “Hey, mom. Sorry to bother you, but do you see anything wrong here?” She responds, “Yeah, Pete. Definitely something wrong. You’re sending me pictures of your penis. What’s wrong with you? I’m a school nurse.”

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Michael Che]

Michael Che: So, what did you end up doing?

Pete Davidson: Well, after a weekend of staring at my penis, I went to the doctor. [Cut to Pete Davidson] And he sayd, “Look Pete, this is crazy. This is really crazy. But it turns out, you’re allergic to condoms.” And I was like, “Well, what does that mean?” And he said, “It means, you can’t wear condoms ever.” And I was like, “Really?” I was like, “Are you a doctor or my best friend every? What else? Is my dad coming back?” And he goes, “No, stupid. You still gotta wear something.” He said, “You gotta use lambskin.” So, I was like, “Alright.” So, I went to the Daily. No, I went to the pharmacy first and I got the lambskin condoms. And then the lady rung them up and she was like, “$64”. And I was like, “Never mind. I’ll just deal with fake Herpes.” I’m not paying $64 for condoms. How is lambskin condom’s $64? Lamb over rice is only $5.99.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That’s a good point. Pete Davidson, everybody.

[cheers and applause]