Tag: season 46

Enough Is Enough

Benjy … Beck Bennett

[Starts with 1 on IGTV]

Benjy: Hey, guys. It’s me, Benjy from the hit show ‘The Bodies’ on Nintendo TV. I’ve also got a fun auditions and really cool stuff coming up. But I’m here today because the state of the world is so awful. Now, I can’t just sit back and be an actor anymore. Not with this incredible platform ‘The Bodies’ has given me. So, Mr. President, hear me when I say…

[music playing]

[singing] Look out the window, there’s kids and cages
bet you can’t see them from your golfing ranges
you’ve had three wives, you don’t care about our lives
well enough is enough is enough Mr. Trump

You’re a puppet from Mr. Putin

You’re the one who’s doing all the looting
You’re no up to the task, you don’t even wear a mask
so enough is enough is enough Mr. Trump

I won’t sit back like everything is fine
I can’t sit back with so much on the line
you may be president, but you’re not mine
enough is enough is enough Mr. Trump

I tag Leonardo DiCaprio,
Trevor Noah and Jason Momoa
let’s get this video to a 100 million views by midnight
so we can finally send Donald Trump the message

that enough is enough.

[Cut to 1 pulling his phone out of the tripod in his house.]

And posted. I did it.

[1 goes to the the toilet. This phone starts ringing.]

[answering the phone] Hey, Kevin. How’s it going, man? Did you see my video? Yeah, I just felt like I couldn’t sit by any longer and not say something, you know? In order to make my voice heard– I should take it down? Take it down immediately? Uh-huh. No one needs this from me.

[phone vibrating] You know what? I gotta go, Kevin. Kelsey’s calling me.

[answering the phone] Hey, Kels. Did you see my vid? Yes. Yes, I just– You know, I wanted to use my platform as an artist to– I should take it down? I should take it down right now? Yeah. But here’s– I really think that this is such an important election. And I feel like I need to do my part as an actor to make it different. I’m not famous enough? Just a desperate career move? Could actually mobilize his base? Okay. Kels, you know what? I actually gotta go.

[1 walks to his roommate’s door]

Hey, roomie. Just wanted to say sorry about the mess in the living room. I don’t know if you saw– Take it down? Yeah, well, I know it’s a little embarrassing coz I realized it after I shot it that I forgot to put a shirt on– No one’s buying that? You heard me doing pushups before?

[doorbell ringing]

Oh, sorry. My girlfriend’s here.

[1 opens the door]

Hey, baby. You’re not coming in? And this is what? A box of all my stuff.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

[Jason Momoa is on FaceTime]

Jason Momoa: Is this the guy from Enough is Enough video?

Benjy: Yes. I–

Jason Momoa: Don’t tag me from that pathetic piece of [bleep].

Benjy: I–

Jason Momoa: That was the saddest weakest thing I’ve ever seen. I’m watching it and I’m thinking myself, “How the [bleep] did this guy even get to that age without dying?” You need to take it down coz it’s pathetic and you’re loser. [hangs up the phone]

Benjy: It worked. Jason Momoa knows me.

Don Pauly

Joey… Pete Davidson

Don Pauly… Bill Burr

Mikey Day

Vinny… Kyle Mooney

Johnny… Alex Moffat

Nicky… Beck Bennett

Glar … Punkie Johnson

[Starts with a group of mean having a meeting at a restaurant]

Joey: Before we get down to business, how about a welcome home after Don Pauly0 years in the joint for Don Pauly? Salute.

All: [raising their glasses] Salute.

Don Pauly: You know, as I look around this room, I see what used to be the most ruthless, powerful crime family in this city.

Joey: Damn right.

Don Pauly: Shut up! I said used to be. Coz that sure is hell ain’t what it is now. What happened to this gang? We used to own this city. I go away Don Pauly0 years, and all of a sudden now there’s friggin Mexicans controlling the neighborhood?

Mikey: Um, okay.

Don Pauly: What? What? Did I say something wrong?

Mikey: No disrespect, Don Pauly, we all get your point. I just think it’s a little weird that you made it so– I don’t know.

Vinny: Racial.

Mikey: Yes. Thank you. One person.

Don Pauly: [looking confused] What do you mean racial? Vinny, the Diablos control all the drugs in the neighborhood, do they not?

Vinny: Yeah, they do. They do.

Don Pauly: Okay. And the last I checked, the Diablos are friggin Mexicans. Are they not?

Mikey: And he’s doubling down. Great!

Joey: Oh, hoof!

Don Pauly: Joey, you got a problem with what I’m saying here? Hah? We’re losing money over here.

Joey: We understand your point, Don Pauly. But with all due respect, your choice of words to some people may seem a little, I don’t know, outdated.

Don Pauly: My choice of words? Is this a joke? Hah? Is there a hidden video around? Is Jamey Kennedy around here somewhere gonna film me?

Vinny: Jamey Kennedy?

Mikey: Who’s Jamey Kennedy?

Don Pauly: Jamey Kennedy, the king of the pranks. He got the TV show, he pranks people.

Joey: Oh, you mean Aston Kutcher.

Johnny: No, Kutcher was Punk’d.

Don Pauly: Just forget it. Just forget it. Am I losing my freaking mind over here? I mean, Nicky the nose, you tell me if I’m going nuts, right? You’d tell me?

Nicky: Hey, Don Pauly, you know I don’t mean no disrespect to you but I just go by Nicky now.

Don Pauly: What? You’ve been Nicky the nose since we were kids.

Mikey: Yeah. We don’t get people nicknames based on their physical appearances anymore. That’s called shaming.

Nicky: It didn’t feel too great sometimes.

Mikey: See, Don Pauly, your words have… I don’t know.

Vinny: Power.

Mikey: Yes, thank you.

Don Pauly: I can’t believe my friggin ears. I mean, are we still gangsters here? We still in the friggin mob over here?

Joey: Of course, we are, Don Pauly. But all that’s changed in the last Don Pauly0 years.

Don Pauly: No kidding. This gang didn’t use to be filled with a bunch of queers.

All: Oh!

Don Pauly: What did I say? What did I say?

Johnny: Easy, Don Pauly. No disrespect, but as someone who identifies a queer, I take a little exception to that last comment of your’s.

Don Pauly: What?

Johnny: So, if you don’t mind, I think I’m gonna take a mental health day and I’m gonna work from home now.

Joey: Of course, Johnny. God bless.

All: Salute.

Don Pauly: Wow, wow, wow. What the hell was that all about?

Joey: Don Pauly, you gotta understand. Johnny is sensitive.

Don Pauly: Sensitive? He’s a freaking murderer.

Mikey: Ay, they’re a friggin murderer.

Don Pauly: Jesus! I mean, what happened to you people, huh?

Glar: Wow, wow, wow. You people? With all due respect, Don Pauly, what do you mean by ‘you people’?

Don Pauly: No, I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant everybody in general. Wait a minute. Who’s the black chic? hah?

Joey: Um, the woman of color you’re referring to is Glar. She’s a capo.

Don Pauly: Of this gang? How the hell did that happen?

Vinny: We got slammed pretty hard on Twitter for our lack of diversity.

Nicky: Yeah. You remember the #MafiaSoWhite?

Don Pauly: Oh, god, you should be friggin kidding me.

Glar: Look, Don Pauly, representation is very important even in crime. Besides, I’m more capable and dangerous than CIS black white male gangster here.

Don Pauly: Oh, really? Okay. Then shoot Vinny.

Vinny: With all due respect, Don Pauly, that’s not how we– [Glar shoots at Vinny] Ah!

Don Pauly: Wow! Get over here. That’s what I’m talking about. Alright. Let me welcome you officially to the club.

[Don Pauly and Glar walk to each other. Don Pauly leans towards Glar.]

Glar: Hey! Did this guy just try to friggin kiss me?

Nicky: Without consent?

Joey: In a pandemic?

All: Oh!

Don Pauly: What did I say? What did I say?

Bill Burr Stand-Up Monologue

Bill Burr

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Burr.

[Bill Burr walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Speaker Bill Burr: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Wow, thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. I am so excited to be here. I have been doing stand-up forever. And this has always been a life long dream of mine to come here and host Saturday Night Live. So, thank you so much for coming out during these difficult times. You guys all look like surgeons with your masks on. Makes me feel comfortable that you’re wearing masks. I like people who wear masks. That’s good. You’re listening to the egg heads, the people who we all cheated off of in high school, right? Keep listening to them. And then if you don’t wear a mask, that doesn’t bug me either. Right? Take out your grandparents. You know? Take out your weak cousin with the asthma. I don’t care. It’s your decision. There’s too many people. It’s a dream come true. If you’re that dumb and you wanna kill your own family members, by all means, do it. Stops you from reproducing. It’s literally a dream come true. And speaking of dreams come true, did you see Rick Moranis got sucker punched on the Upper West side? New York is back, baby. New York is back. Yes. We lost our edge there for a minute. City started looking like a giant Bed Bath & Beyond, and then bam! Oh, Ricky took one in the chops. It had to happen. It had to happen. That’s what happens when you stick in M&M’s store at Time Square. Alright? The universe has to balance itself. Get the peep show back in Time Square, old people can walk safely 40 blocks away.

I don’t know. I’ll probably get canceled for doing that joke. How stupid is that cancel thing? They’re literally running out of people to cancel. They’re going after dead people now. They’re trying to cancel John Wayne. It’s like, god did that 40 years ago. They’re all up in arms. “Did you hear what he said in that interview in Playboy in 1970? Can you believe that?” It’s like, “Yeah. He was born in 1907. That’s what these people sounded like.” You never talk to your grandparents and brought up the wrong subject? And all of a sudden it went off the rails like, “Oh! Grandma! Just keep making the cookies.” Yeah. You don’t bring up race or religion with your grandparents. You keep it simple. Anyway, I don’t know. I don’t know. I guess my grandparents were older. I don’t know.

Ploughing ahead. Ploughing ahead, let’s talk white women here. Shall we? Let’s talk white women. White women, you’re amazing. Amazing. Your accomplishments over the last few years. I gotta tell you, the way white women somehow hijacked the ‘woke’ movement, generals around the world should be analyzing this. Just to refresh your memory, the ‘woke’ movement was supposed to be about people of color not getting opportunities, things that they deserve, finally making that happen. And it was about that for about 8 seconds. And then somehow white women swung their Gucci booted feet over the fence of oppression and stuck themselves at the front of the line. I don’t know how they did it. I’ve never heard so much complaining in my life from white women. “My life is so hard. Ah! With my SUV in my heated seats. You have no idea what it’s like to be me.” Trashing white guys. The nerve… where’s the camera at? [He looks around for the camera, then he’s pointing at the camera.] The nerve of you white women.

Listen, I don’t want to speak ill of my bitches here, okay? I don’t. But let’s go back in history here, okay? You guys stood by us toxic white males through centuries of our crimes against humanity, you rolled around in the blood money and occasionally when you wanted to sneak off and hook up with a black dude, if you got caught you said it wasn’t consensual. Yeah! That’s what you did. That’s what you did. So, why don’t you shut up, sit down next to me and take your talking to. [applause] Thank you.

So, I haven’t been in New York for about a year. I was here last year. I was shooting a movie. I had a great time with Judd Apatow, Pete Davidson and all the guys. Yeah, had a great time. And I hadn’t been here for like, 13 years and I immediately noticed how extra crowded this city was. And I was getting all claustrophobic. I’m like, “What’s going on? I’m like, “Some people not using safe sex and making all these babies?” So, I finally walked up to this old New York door guy and I was just like, “Dude, what’s going on? What’s with all these people here?” And he was just like, “Oh, no, no. Don’t worry. It’s June. It’s Pride month.” And I’m like, “What’s that?” I’m 52. I never heard of it, right? Didn’t have that when I was a kid. He goes, “It’s gay pride month.”And I was just like, “Oh!” Dude, you know when you’re just like, stuck in the matrix and you just can’t– [keeping his palm very close to his face.] everything’s just pressed up, you can’t see anything. And then somebody gives you that little nugget of information that just pulls it back? Like, “Why is it so crowded?” “It’s gay pride month.” “Oh! Tank tops! 0% body fat. Two guys kissing. Rainbow flags. Oh!” I didn’t know that. That’s what I learned. The month of June is gay pride month. That’s a little long, don’t you think? For a group of people that were never enslaved? How did they get all the June? Dude, black people were actually enslaved, they get February. They get 28 days of overcast weather. Sun goes down at 4 in the afternoon. Everybody’s shivering. Nobody wants to go on the parade. Yeah. How about you hook them up with July? These are equator people. Give them the sun for 31 days. There’s gay black people, they can celebrate from June 1st, July 31st, 61 days of celebrating.

Alright, that’s all my time. We got a great show for you guys everybody. Jack White is here. It’s gonna be amazing. Please stick around, we’ll be right back.

Weekend Update- Vin Diesel Releases Song

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell at left top corner.]

 Colin Jost: Mitch McConnell seen here calmly watching an injured puppy try to cross a busy highway, said that the senate would move forward with a vote on Trump’s supreme court nominee even though he denied Obama’s nominee a vote in Michael Che0Colin Jost6. And if that makes you angry at Mitch McConnell, you’re going to be really upset when you find out your anger sexually excites him.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Tennessee Titans logo at right top corner.]

 Michael Che: That’s gross. The Tennessee Titans halted in person wokouts after three players tested positive for the coronavirus. Well, I guess we’ve got to cancel the whole season and forget it ever happened, said the New York Jets.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says ‘woman arrested for importing bull semen’ at left top corner.]

 Colin Jost: This is fun. A Canadian was fined more than $Michael Che5,000 for illegally importing bull semen. Meanwhile, in the US, bull semen is sold legally under the name ‘White Claw’. [Picture changes to three cans of White Claw soda.]

[Picture changes to a news article that says ‘New law making boards of directors more diverse’.]

A new law has been passed in California requiring companies to have more diversity in their board of directors, which is how I forced my way on to the board of BET. “BET, there’s gonna be some changes around here.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a lizard at right top corner.]

 Michael Che: The CDC reported that there’s a salmonella outbreak involving people who had pet bearded dragons. So, if you have one at home, remember to cook them all the way through.

[Picture changes to Vin Diesel]

Actor Vin Diesel has released a dance music song called “Feel like I do.” And look, I know a lot of people are making fun of him and saying it’s terrible and he should stick to acting…

[Michael Che looks away]

[Cut to Colin Jost. He is waiting for Michael Che to finish. There’s a picture of Pogo stick at left top corner.]

 Colin Jost: A seven year old boy in Pennsylvania set a new world record by bouncing on a pogo stick over Michael Che,000 times in a row. Said the boys parents, “Open the schools!”

Weekend Update- Trump Tests Positive for Covid

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Hello. Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s an article that says “Trump Tests Positive” and a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well, say what you will about 2020, but it’s got moves. This news was a lot for us to process a day before we came on air after four months off. And it all happened so fast, I woke up yesterday and heard the president had mild symptoms. And then four hours later, he was getting medevaced to a hospital in what looked like the last chopper at Vietnam. I gotta say, it’s a bad sign for America that when Trump said he tested positive for a virus, 60% of people were like, “Prove it.” And it’s been very weird to see all these people who clearly hate Trump come out and say, “We wish him well.” I think a lot of them are just guilty that their first wish came true.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Yeah, well, you know, politics aside, this is an awful news for us because Trump was actually supposed to host SNL next week. [laughing] Okay, serious voice. While in the hospital, the president isn’t allowed to see any guest but he is expected to be visited by three ghosts, probably one from his past, one from his future. Okay, look, this is weird because a lot of people on both sides are saying there’s nothing funny about Trump being hospitalized with coronavirus, even though he marked the safety precautions for the coronavirus and those people are obviously wrong. There’s a lot funny about this. Maybe not from a moral stand point, but mathematically. If you were constructing a joke, this is all the ingredients you need. The problem is, it’s almost too funny. Like, it’s so on the note. It’d be like if I was making fun of people who wear belts and then my pants just immediately fell down.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden and LGBTQ flag at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new poll shows 75% of LGBTQ voters supports Joe Biden. But 0% of them support Joe Biden guessing what the BTQ stand for. I gotta say, you know who’s got my support for president? [Picture changes to Adam Silver and NBA logo] NBA commissioner Adam Silver. He somehow built a bubble that is better than anything our government could come up with. Instead of stopping the bubble when the season ends, why don’t they just slowly expand it until it covers the whole country? Just saying.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Michael Che at right top corner.]

Michael Che: By the way, is anyone surprised by this? I honestly thought Trump was trying to get coronavirus. I thought it was like “Groundhog Day” when Bill Murray knew he couldn’t die and he was just trying anything. So, all those maskless rallies Trump was having, that was him being safe? But I don’t want the president to die, obviously. Actually, I wish him a very lengthy recovery.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And I will say that despite everything, president Trump actually seems to be in good spirits. He tweeted a message that ended with ‘love’ and three exclamation points. Oh-oh. So, it sounds like they’re cutting his hydroxychloroquine with a little bit of molly. And then, this was good. Just hours ago, Trump released a video from the hospital saying he’s in better health which is great news. Though, I will point out, that if the situation were reversed and it was Biden who got sick, Trump would have Colin Jost00% be at a maskless rally tonight getting huge laughs doing an impression of Biden on a ventilator. Just saying.

Weekend Update- Chen Biao on TikTok

Chen Biao… Bowen Yang

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This week, a judge blocked America’s ban on the Chinese owned app TikTok which the White House claims is a threat to national security. And here to comment is Chinese Trade Minister, Chen Biao

[Chen Biao slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Chen Biao: What’s poppin’ Michae Che? Trade daddy dropped the addie.

Michael Che: Well, it’s good to see you, Chen. So, you’re the one overseeing this TikTok deal?

Chen Biao: Yeah. No one else could do it but me coz I’m a savage, classy, boozy, loyal supplicant to the communist party.

Michael Che: Well, speaking of that, there’s concern the government of China could be stealing our data? Our user data with this TikTok app? What do you think it is?

Chen Biao: Okay. You’re worried that we’re stealing your identity? Honey, your phone unlocks with your face. Plus, America steals Chinese stuff everyday. Banning parts of the internet, arresting protestors, fireworks. It’s a hypocrisy for me, Che.

Michael Che: So, you’re not collecting our user data?

Chen Biao: I mean, we have it. But none of it is even that juicy. Like, “Oh, you googled ‘cousin greg shirtless’ Michael Che0 times last month.” You’re not quirky. You’re just horny, Savannah.

Michael Che: Who is Savannah?

Chen Biao: Some girl who said she is ‘doing the work’ on racism from her family’s house in Nantucket. Boat shoe wearing bitch!

Michael Che: Oh, well, the deal requires that TikTok be partially owned by an American company which is most likely gonna be Walmart.

Chen Biao: [sarcasm] Ooh. Walmart, brick and mortar, cool. How long did that brainstorm last? Look, if you said name an American company and I said “Walmart”, that would make me racist. But I guess cracker barrel didn’t want to play ball.

Michael Che: Alright. So, you seem pretty annoyed.

Chen Biao: I mean, yeah. I’m salty, Che. This has been a really hard time for China.

Michael Che: Because of the virus?

Chen Biao: No. Because live action Mulan was just okay. No songs, no mushu, no $30 from me, Disney Plus.

Michael Che: Well, does all this make you worried about the future of TikTok?

Chen Biao: Oh, no, babe. You cannot stop TikTok. We took videos and we made them shorter. We took babies and we made them cuter. We took lip syncs and we made them straight. So, you wanna stop China and get in the way of us? Well, I just checked my Fenty collab Rolex an you’re running out of time, so…

[Cut to a TikTok video of Chen Biao. It’s a female dialog and Chen Biao is doing the lip sync.]

Female voice: Girl, don’t do it. It’s not worth it. I’m not going to do it, girl. I was just thinking about it. I’m not gonna do it.

Chen Biao: TikTok!

Michael Che: Chen Biao, everybody.

[Cut back to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Chen Biao: I get it. I get it.

Weekend Update- Carrie Krum on Vacationing During the Pandemic

Carrie Krum… Aidy Bryant

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Tourism and airplane travel have been hit, specially hard by the coronavirus this year. Here to comment on the changing state of her industry is seventh grade travel expert Carrie Krum.

[Carrie Krum slides in]

Carrie Krum: Wow! I missed you, Michael.

Michael Che: Hey, Carrie. I missed you too. How was your summer?

Carrie Krum: Oh, it was awesome. My mom bought a chef hat for when I make pizza and my brother shot me twice with a paint ball gun.

Michael Che: Well, that’s pretty impressive. So, Carrie, you must have been sad that you couldn’t take any of your fun trips this summer?

Carrie Krum: Oh, Michael. Being at home is the ultimate vacation. You got my room, my mom’s room, a small decorative box filled with my baby teeth, and an irrigation ditch where all my pets were laid to rest. And did you know, Michael? Church is illegal right now, so we listen to it on the radio. And Michael… Michael… I listened to church in a tankini.

Michael Che: Oh, that all sounds fun. So, what are some tips on how people can enjoy a good stay-cation?

Carrie Krum: Oh! Well, bring the beach to you with something my family likes to call ‘the hose in the driveway’. It’s like a refreshing pool where you don’t have to know where you swim and the water tastes like dirt and metal.

Michael Che: Okay, Carrie. Well, what about something fun for kids who are going back to school online?

Carrie Krum: Well, yeah. You gotta make the best of the hard times. I mean, I am loving computer school. I’m never on mute, I’m always talking, always moving, and I can’t stop looking at myself. And I didn’t think that I could ever have a crush over Zoom but Jack Mathers, I mean during Social Studies, I can see his bed room. And Michael… Michael… he’s got a big lizard in there. Bad boy. Ooh!

Michael Che: Okay, yeah. Alright. Well, is it hard to not hangout with your friends at least?

Carrie Krum: Well, technically, I’m never alone because fairies are real and when it rains, it becomes easier to see them.

Michael Che: So, it sounds like you actually sort of thrived in quarantine?

Carrie Krum: Well, yeah. Except for– Well, my mom said I need to get… [mumbling]

Michael Che: A what?

Carrie Krum: A tank-top with support. It’s not a bra, but it do press down.

Michael Che: Oh my gosh.

Carrie Krum: And then my brother Mitchell found it and he put it on and he stuffed toilet paper in the holders, and he was walking around doing a chi-chi dance and I screamed so loud that my dad thought that I had been hurt. Whatever though. I started drinking sprite out of a coffee cup. So, I’m adult.

Michael Che: Carrie Krum, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

The Drew Barrymore Show

Drew, Reese Witherspoon, Nicole Kidman… Chloe Fineman

Linda… Punkie Johnson

Tom Green… Alex Moffat

Billy Porter… Kenan Thompson

[starts with a show intro]

Male voice: There’s a new face in Daytime.

Drew: Hello to all my beautiful wild flowers.

Male voice: After seeing what went down with Ellen, we took a hard turn in the other direction.

Drew: I am just like you. A Bo-ho free spirit mommy mother movie star since I was six.

Male voice: It’s the Drew Barrymore show.

Drew: How do you do?

Male voice: Tune in to see her have a blast by herself in a big empty studio.

Drew: Holy, moly, oly.

Male voice: Watch as she connects to her Zoom audience.

Drew: Thank you for being my VFF. Virtual Friends Forever.

Male voice: Drew gives back to worthy families in the best way she can.

[Drew is talking to Linda via Zoom in her show]

Drew: How are you holding up?

Linda: You know, it’s been tough. My husband and I are working from home. And we have almost $50,000 in hospital bills.

Drew: I feel that, Linda. And that’s why we’re paying… to renovate your walk in closet! Yay!

Linda: My what?

Male voice: And don’t worry about her being mean to the crew. [Drew runs towards her cameraman to hug him, but he is trying to avoid her.] They say he maintains eye contact too long and is too emotionally supportive.

Drew: I’m a hugger.

Cameraman: No!

Drew: Okay.

Male voice: Be the third wheel in a celebrity catch up.

[Drew is on her show with Reese Witherspoon]

Drew: My best friend Reese Witherspoon, the best woman on earth.

Reese Witherspoon: Girl, you are literally a mom here.

Drew: I marvel at you.

Reese Witherspoon: I love you more than Oprah.

Drew: I love you.

Reese Witherspoon: I love you so much, I want to come into your room and murder you with a butter spoon.

Male voice: Get Drew’s take on the news.

Drew: Hot off the press, brushing your teeth is a game changer.

Male voice: And stay tuned for a harrowing catch up between Drew and her ex-husband Tom Green.

[Drew is on her show with Tom Green]

Drew: It’s been what? 15 years?

Tom Green: Yeah. Daddy, would you like some sausage?

Male voice: You want guests? Drew texts everyone in her phone and interviews whoever shows up.  Like, Nicole Kidman.

[Drew is on her show with Nicole Kidman]

Drew: Thank you for for allowing me to be on your show.

Nicole Kidman: Drew, this is your show.

Drew: Oh my god. Thank you.

Male voice: At least someone’s enjoying 2020.

Drew: And now sensual homosexual Billy Porter singing to a flower.

[Cut to Billy Porter singing to a flower. He is wearing high heels.]

Billy Porter: [singing] Edelweiss
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Is this happening? Or am I kind of high?

Male voice: The Drew Barrymore show. You’re in your bed anyway. Just watch it!

Superspreader Event

Ashley… Heidi Gardner

Dylan Bertran… Mikey Day

Edith Puthie… Ego Nwodim

Irma Gerd… Lauren Holt

Kevin Joseph… Chris Rock

Doctor… Pete Davidson

Mike Rodick… Beck Bennett

Jeffery B. Epstein… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Action 9 News at Five intro]

Male voice: Action 9 News at Five, Eye on Pittsburgh.

[Cut to Ashley in her set]

Ashley: Our top story, a potential super spreading event has occurred at the Pittsburgh federal building. With more on this, we go to Dylan Bertran at the scene. Dylan, it seems like the story is going really viral (intending pun) ?

Dylan: Um, that’s in very poor taste, Ashley, and I apologize on your behalf. Here’s what we know so far. Health officials are attempting to contact anyone who visited the third floor of the federal building today, home to the legal change of name office after an employee tested positive for COVID-19. I’m joined by two women who were on their way up to the third floor to change their names when it was evacuated. [Two women walk in] Tell us your names and what happened.

Edith Puthie: Edith Puthie.

Dylan: I’m sorry.

Edith Puthie: I said Edith Puthie.

Dylan: I’m flattered ma’am, but no thank you.

Edith Puthie: No. Edith Puthie is my name.

Irma Gerd: Irma Gerd.

Dylan: Oh my god, is right.

Irma Gerd: No, Irma Gerd is my name.

Dylan: Oh, I see. I got it now. Miss Puthie, just curious, what were you planning on changing your name to?

Edith Puthie: Hmm, well I was thinking of any name that’s not Edith Puthie.

Ashley: Dylan, I hate to pull you away from miss Puthie just as you’re getting into it, but I’m told that health department has a statement.

[Cut to Kevin Joseph speaking at a podium. A doctor is standing behind him.]

Kevin Joseph: Good afternoon. I’m Dr. Kevin Joseph, Pittsburg’s contract tracing program. We are still trying to locate the following people who were in the name change office today. Burton Ernie, Alma Holzhert, Ben Lauden, Dee Perdadi.

Doctor: Oh, whatever you say, girl! Sorry, I’m sorry.

Kevin Joseph: We’re also looking for Duncan Dixon-Coffey, Finn Gerbangh, Moe Lestin Jr. Now, I’d like to address the rumor about Tess Tichol, a young woman who visited the name change office today that she lost her sense of taste and smell are false. In fact, the Tess Tichol I examiled smelled and tasted great.

Doctor: It did? Good for you, man. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

Kevin Joseph: Thank you.

[Cut back to Dylan]

Dylan: Alright. We will keep our eyes peeled in case Tess Tichol pops out. No word yet on when the office will reopen leaving many who wanted to change their name frustrated like this man, Mr. Mike Rodick.

Mike Rodick: Ah! It’s Rodick. You stress the ‘Ro’. Rodick. Sorry to be annoying, but it makes a huge difference.

Dylan: Not a problem. Not a problem. Mike Rodick was one of a dozen–

Mike Rodick: Yeah, sorry, yeah. But the longer you pause between Mike and Rodick, the better it is for me. Nothing crazy. Just like, “Mike”, a little pause, “Rodick.”

Dylan: Okay. Maybe it’s easier if I just call you by what your name will be?

Mike Rodick: Sure. I’m going with my mom’s maiden name, Litt. L-I-T-T.

Dylan: Okay. I’m here with Mike Litt.

Mike Rodick: Oh, no. That’s bad too. That’s not my name.

Ashley: Sorry, Dylan, the department of health has an update. Hopefully, you can find Mike Litt later and finish what you started there. But now, let’s go to Dr. Joseph.

[Cut to Kevin Joseph. Jeffery B. Epstein is standing behind him.]

Kevin Joseph: I’d like to thank this man who was turned away from the name change office but stuck around to help us contact trace. Mr. Jeffery Epstein.

Jeffery B. Epstein: Mr. Jeffery B. Epstein.

Kevin Joseph: In my book, Jeffery Epstein is a hero.

Jeffery B. Epstein: You forgot that ‘B’ again. The very important ‘B’.

Kevin Joseph: I’m proud to call Jeffery Epstein a friend.

Jeffery B. Epstein: You gonna wish you didn’t say that.

Kevin Joseph: Thank you.

[Cut back to Dylan]

Dylan: Alright. Well, I think we can all applaud what Jeffery Epstein did. Ashley?

Ashley: Dylan, we’ve got a little more time. Any chance of getting back to Mike Litt?

Dylan: You know, he was right under my nose, but I lost him.

Ashley: Well, you stay down there and keep poking around.

Dylan: I will, but no promises. It’s a real mess down here.

Ashley: Oh, I bet. More on this story as it develops. For Action 9 News, I’m Ashley Spitzer-Swallows.

Stunt Performers

Chase Wexler…Mikey Day

Chip Lazar…Chris Redd

Kelly Huntman…Ego Nwodim

Karan Raniere…Kate McKinnon

Guff Burthardt… Aidy Bryant

Male voice: And now, the Stunt Performers Gill presents and “Epic Virtual Fight.”

[Cut to Chase Wexler in his home]

Chase Wexler: I wish I could be back on set doing kick ass stunts with my friends. [ting] Wait a minute! We can do it from home! [does the karate] Ya! Ya!

[Chase Wexler head-butts on camera. Cut to Chip Lazar got hit by the head-butt.]

Chip Lazar: Argh! No way!

[Chip Lazar kicks on camera. Cut to Kelly Huntman’s bottle falls off her hand by Chip Lazar’s kick.]

Kelly Huntman: Oh, no. Not today!

[Kelly Huntman gets a wooden sword and hits on camera. Cut to Karan Raniere got hit by the sword.]

Karan Raniere: Oh! [Karan Raniere falls off the stairs] You rotten kids!

[Karan Raniere takes off her shoe and throws it at the camera. Cut to the shoe hitting on Guff Burthardt’s butt. Her pants get torn.]

Guff Burthardt: Oh! My ass!

[Cut to the stunt performers]

Chase Wexler: Hi, we are stunt performers of America.

Chip Lazar: Just like you, we can’t wait to get back to work.

Kelly Huntman: We wanna be doing epic car chases.

Chase Wexler: Sick knife fights.

Chip Lazar: Karate and motorcycle jumps.

Karan Raniere: And our expertise is mostly falling down and getting hit in the crotch by kids.

Guff Burthardt: Yeah. We stunt double for villains and children’s comedy. So, I typically play the fat authoritative woman who people like to see get hurt real bad.

Karan Raniere: I’m usually getting tossed. You ever see a body going – [gesturing as if body’s flying] “Ah!” through the air and kids are cheering, that’s probably me.

Chase Wexler: We love what we do.

Kelly Huntman: And there’s all different kinds of stunts.

Chip Lazar: Nothing makes me happier than jumping through fire.

Kelly Huntman: Or leaping off a helicoptor.

Karan Raniere: Or getting kicked into a dumbster by a cow for the purposes of children’s comedy.

Guff Burthardt: Yeah. It’s been six months since I’ve been able to use my number one skill which is of course farting from being hit in the head.

Karan Raniere: And we’re from the old school. We’re not faking those farts.

Guff Burthardt: Yeah. No. I mean it helps the kids understand that we’re not actually being hurt. We are just being hit so hard that farts are coming out.

Chip Lazar: You might not know us but we help make some of your favorite movies. I drove the Maserati in “Furious 7”.

Kelly Huntman: I was an Amazon warrior in “Wonder Woman”.

Guff Burthardt: And I played ugly shher  in “Cool Kid Library”. And also, evil lunch lady in Camp Bitch”.

Karan Raniere: And I was the star of “Nurse Wedgie”. In this one part, the– [laughing] the kids switched my hat for an octopus and then I stumbled face first into a toilet. Which was hard, coz then we had to go and shoot the scene.

[The stunt performs are working out]

Kelly Huntman: Gotta stay strong.

Chip Lazar: Gotta stay in shape.

[Karan Raniere and Guff Burthardt are slapping each other’s butts]

Guff Burthardt: Yeah. Don’t wanna lose our ass calluses.  One, two, three.

Karan Raniere: These stunts hurt. I’ve been bit in the vagina by a dog more times than I can count.

Guff Burthardt: Yeah. You know, and the dogs don’t understand that it’s pretend. So, if you want them to let go, you gotta cut their heads off.

Chase Wexler: So, everybody, please, wear your mask, stay home and hang in there, so we can do more of this.

[Chase Wexler picks up an orange and throws it at the camera. Cut to Kelly Huntman catching the orange Chase Wexler just threw. Kelly Huntman then punches at the camera. Cut to Chip Lazar getting punched. Chip Lazar then kicks at camera. Cut to Guff Burthardt’s ass getting kicked.]

Guff Burthardt: Oh! You teems! [farts]

[Cut to the dogs.]

[Cut to Karan Raniere pretending to be bit by a stuffed animal dog.]

Karan Raniere: Oh!

Guff Burthardt: You dirty kids. Not my library, teens!

Male voice: The Stunt Performers Association of America. For more info on our cool or shameful stunts, call today.