Tag: season 47

Family Band

Heidi Gardner

Patrick… Mikey day

Andrew Dismukes

Kyle Mooney

John Mulaney

[Starts with Heidi and Mikey outside a house door]

Heidi: Babe, I’m so excited for you to meet my brothers. You remind me so much of them.

Mikey: I’m a little nervous.

Heidi: No Don’t be. They’re gonna love you. You guys are like identical.

Mikey: Well, if they’re Niners fans like you said, I think we’ll get along just fine.

[Heidi’s brothers open the door. They’re all wearing suits and are ready to play music]

Andrew: Well, well, well.

Kyle: Look what the little mamacita dragged in.

John: Say, Raggedy Ann, who’s the beanpole?

Heidi: Oh, my God! I knew you guys would razz me. This is Patrick. Patrick, these are my brothers.

Mikey: Uh, nice to meet you guys.

Kyle: You can call me Sweet Vermouth. And these stray mutts are the Speakeasy Bandits. Bienvenidos!

Mikey: Okay.

[They walk in]

John:

Come on, come on. Grab a seat. Barrel or barber chair? Dealer’s choice.

Mikey: All right. [to Heidi] These guys remind you of me? Are they, like, in a band or…?

Heidi: Yeah, my brothers have a band, yes.

Andrew: And, uh, we sure could use our standup bassist back.

Heidi: Oh, come on. You guys know I had to give that up because of my job. Unless, of course, you guys are making money from this now. Are you guys making money?

Andrew: Nope. A three, four. . .

[They start playing]

Kyle: [singing] Walking down the alley,
About a quarter past ten

John: Tell ’em, Sweet Vermouth.

Kyle: Got a dime on my side
and a big old bottle of gin

Heidi: Oh, my God, it’s “Gin Alley”!

All: Gin Alley, Whoa, daddio, Gin Alley
Whoa, daddio

Andrew: And a big ol’ bottle of gin

Kyle: All right.

Heidi: Whoo! Yes! Yeah, you guys sound so great! Have you been smoking more cigarettes?

Kyle: Bull’s eye, pussycat.

John: With a side of Cubanos.

Mikey: So, again, what’s the similarity you’re seeing between us?

Heidi: Wait. Are you jealous of how masculine they are? Oh, my God, this always happens to me.

Mikey: No, I’m not.  They’re all wearing giant, oversized suits. I don’t even know what style that is.

Kyle: Slow your roll, Rover. Not much of a music guy, I take it? We’re a swing revival revival band.

Mikey: Swing revival revival?

Andrew: That’s right, Rover.

Heidi: Yeah, babe, remember in the 90s when everyone was into swing?

Andrew: Yeah, Rover. We’re trying to bring that back.

John: Like, make a little picture of this. The year is 1999. Slim Shady just told the world what his name is. Carson Daly is the new Walter Cronkite. And thanks to the Cherry Poppin’ Daddies, Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, and one Gap commercial, swing is king.

Kyle: Ay, yi, yi, yi, yiii, three, four!

[starts playing]

Andrew: Well, the devil was walkin’
He checked into a motel

Heidi: Oh, my God! It’s “Devil Daddy”!

Andrew: He got the roadster rolling
Gonna take that straight to hell

Heidi: Babe, let’s dance.

Mikey: Okay.

All: Devil Daddy
Whoa, daddio, Devil Daddy
Whoa, daddio

Mikey: Don’t kiss me to your brothers’ music, baby!

John: And a big old bottle of gin

Andrew: All right.

Heidi: Whoo! Yeah!I love you, my brothers.

Kyle: Oh, hey, you are too kind, pussycat!

Mikey: Can you please stop calling your sister “pussycat”?! Babe, you said we had so much in common and that they were Niners fans.

Heidi: Yeah, 1999’ers.

Mikey: There is no way you thought that’s what I meant.

Heidi: Well, you’re always saying how you’re such a 90’s kid.

Mikey: Yeah, I meant, like, “Rugrats” and stuff. I do not associate this with the 90’s.

Heidi: Okay. Well, I’m starting to feel like our relationship is a lie.

Mikey: What are you talking about?

John: [walks to Heidi] Did he hit you?

Mikey: Oh, my God.

Heidi: No, no, it’s not that. It’s just…  we’re too different. You come from a 90’s where everyone wore neon and watched “Friends,” and I come from a 90’s where my brothers are the coolest, hottest guys I know. And that’s who I am. This is who I am. Three, four!

[they start playing music]

When the jukebox plays
And the boogie begins

Kyle: Oh, spice it up, pussycat!

Heidi: We gotta boogieoogieoogie, a
nd a big old bottle of gin

All: Boogieoogieoogie
Whoa, daddio, boogieoogie
Whoa, daddio

Mikey: And a big ol’ bottle of gin

John: Nice pipes, toothpick.

Mikey: Yeah, I, used to be in a ska band.

Andrew: Boo!

Kyle: That sucks!

Heidi: Don’t tell people that.

John: Do you hit her?

Mikey: Dude, no, I don’t.

Cupid Shuffle

Daniel… John Mulaney

Lisa… Ego Nwodim

DJ… Kenan Thompson

Tanitra… Punkie Johnson

[Daniel and Lisa walk in the door to Robinson family reunion]

Daniel: Oh gosh, should we have brought food? I don’t know how these things work.

Lisa: Oh, honey, it’s your first reunion. It’s fine. My family loves you.

Daniel: Really? They love that you’re married to the guy who was LL Bean’s customer of the year?

Lisa: Yes! Yes Just be yourself.

DJ: Alright, alright, alright. Hello everybody. I just want to welcome y’all to the Robinson family reunion. Yes, indeed. We’re gonna have a good time. We’re gonna have a good time. I want everybody to get on out here. Now, it’s time for the cupid shuffle y’all.

[Everyon’es wearing same blue t-shirts while Daniel and Lisa aren’t]

Lisa: Wow. Everyone’s wearing T shirts. Did you know about this?

[when Lisa looks at Daniel, he has already worn the t-shirt.]

Daniel: Yeah. They didn’t send you one in the mail?

DJ: Common, y’all.

[singing] It don’t matter if you’re young or old
We’re gonna show you how it goes
to the right, to the right, to the right, to the right

to the left, to the left, to the left, to the left
now, walk it by yourself, yeah, walk it by yourself

Daniel: How many members of your family are here. I feel like they’re all staring at me.

Lisa: Oh my god. They’re not. I promise.

DJ:To the right, to the right, to the right, to the right
to the left, to the left, to the left, to the left
Jordan dunk, Jordan dunk, Jordan dunk, Jordan dunk
Now push it like LeBron, yeah, push it like LeBron

Lisa: Okay, you know, I’m not really sure I know this version of the cupid shuffle.

Daniel: Oh, this here, this is the Atlanta two piece and a biscuit remix.

DJ: Something stink, something stink, something stink, something stink
fold your tuppleware, yeah, fold your tuppleware

Lisa: You know, it’s crazy to think I used to take baths with all these people.

Tanitra: Oh, Daniel, you’re here!

Daniel: Oh, Tanitra. Hey, yeah, this is my wife Lisa.

Tanitra: Oh, hey Lisa. I think we cousins girl, but me and Daniel, we old friends.

Daniel: That’s right. We used to play all day as kids. We just had to be home when the street lights came on. That it. How’s that hotel you’re staying in.

Tanitra: It’s pretty nice, but they didn’t give us no washcloth.

Daniel: What? Who showers without a washcloth?

Tanitra: I know. They super nasty. Alright, Daniel. We still going to Essence Fest this year, right?

Daniel: Oh yeah, I reserved a seat for a live taping of Ayala fix my life.

Tanitra: Alright, then. I’mma holla at ya’ll, alright? I got to make sure they don’t stay close.

Daniel: Yeah, you can’t let that good air out now.

Lisa: Wait. You’re going to Essence Fest?

Daniel: Yeah, I got you a ticket too.

DJ: Call the cops, call the cops, call the cops, call the cops
Yeah, it’s gonna be a while, yeah, it’s gonna be a while,
Playing spades, playing spades, playing spades, playing spades
Yeah, how many books you got, yeah, how many books you got

Lisa: Wait, you brought cards?

Daniel: Yeah. Lisa, common. It’s a family reunion.

Uncle Bonk: Oh, there he is. I heard you was here, Daniel.

Daniel: Oh-oh! Now it’s a party.

Lisa: Wait, you know my uncle Bonk?

Daniel: Well, sure. But I know him as Mr. Robinson. How’s your knee doing sir?

Uncle Bonk: All better. I put a little robitussin on it

Daniel: Works every time. It’s good to see you here. I wasn’t sure if that COVID would keep you away.

Uncle Bonk: Well, I got vaccinated but don’t tell nobody.

Daniel: Yeah, I hear you. I got vaxed too, but it would break my mamma’s heart if she knew I took her government needles.

Uncle Bonk: I hear that. Oh-oh! I gotta go, Daniel. They got me watching my little nephew, always acting up.

Daniel: That child’s promise he’s got no home training.

Uncle Bonk: Yeah. And he needs to stay out of grown folks’ business before he get whipped!

Lisa: See Daniel? I told you everybody loves you.

Daniel: Oh! I only know like Lisa0 or 30 people here, top.

DJ: To the right, to the right, to the right, to the right
to the left, to the left, to the left, to the left
gonna fight, gonna fight, gonna fight, gonna fight
now, rub some vasseline, yeah, rub some vasseline

Alright, great job, everybody. And now, it is time for the Soul Train line.

Daniel: Oh my god. No, no, no. I didn’t know this was happening.

Lisa: Listen honey, you do not have to do it.

Daniel: No. I wouldn’t. I don’t think that’d be appropriate unless–

[Daniel immediately starts dancing]

DJ: Now, walk it by yourself, now walk it by yourself

COVID Dinner Discussion

Kate McKinnon

John Mulaney

David… Kenan Thompson

Aidy Bryant

Bowen Yang

Gina… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with three couple having dinner]

Kate: I’m so glad we’re doing this. My favorite restaurant with my favorite people.

John: Honey, I agree, 100%

David: You know what? This is so fun. Dinner is on us.

Bowen: Oh, wow. But um, Keith, you know you can take your mask off the table.

David: Oh, I’m sorry. I don’t know I’m wearing it half the time.

Kate: I heard the CDC is gonna lift all mask mandates soon.

Aidy: Oh, yeah. I know.

John: It’s so weird. It’s like COVID is not over, but it’s just gonna stop. I don’t know how I feel about that.

Gina: Oh, you know, that reminds me of this article I wrote–

Bowen: Honey, no one wants to hear about that.

Gina: What? It was in Bloomberg. And I thought it was interesting.

Kate: What? What article?

Gina: Well, it was–

Bowen: Honey!

Gina: It was just saying how mask mandates had, I don’t know, little to no effect on COVID.

[drum roll]

[Everyone is nervous now]

I am sorry.. It’s not like I’m anti mask or anything. I just sometimes wonder if any of the things we did actually helped.

Bowen: Gina.

David: No, no. We can talk about this incredibly complicated and emotional topic.

Kate: Yes, yes. Of course. I will start because for instance, while I am so personally relieved that I’m vaccinated–

John: Careful…

Kate: I sometimes wonder if other people who are hesitant–

Aidy: Careful…

Kate: Might not have like a valid not valid–

David: What…?

Kate: Not valid, but understandable–

Bowen: Not tonight…

Kate: Help me.

John: I think what she means is maybe sometimes we are a little overzealous when we condemn–

Aidy: Oh no…

John: I just think that if people are actually losing their jobs–

Aidy: Oh no…

David: Careful, girl.

John: Look, vaccines save lives. Fact. Okay, they stopped the hospitals from being overrun. Fact.

Gina: Where are you up to?

John: But did I have to dump my oldest friend just because he didn’t get–

Kate: No… no… no…

John: A booster?

[drum roll]

[David’s tie rolls up. Bowen is checking his blood pressure. Aidy hides her face inside her bag. John pulls out his teeth. Kate shuts her face. Gina snaps the Thanos gauntlet and disappears.]

Bowen: Guys, guys, this is supposed to be fun. Isn’t there’s something happy we can talk about?

Kate: No, no, we started this. We need to finish it. David go make sense of this please.

David: Oh, okay. Well I think the biggest mistake the administration made was not providing more testing.

John: But the UK had done tons of testing and had even more COVID.

Kate: Well, at least Biden finally sent out all those tests over Christmas.

Gina: You mean the two tests for a family of eight that froze in the mail?

Aidy: Okay, well, at least we have the CDC. I mean, they haven’t always been perfect, but the science changed.

David: How does science change? When I make a mistake at work, I don’t get to say the science changed.

Bowen: At least we had outdoor dining.

John: Oh, you mean when they built a smaller restaurant in the street? How was that outdoor?

Kate: Look, I went to a child’s birthday party, self careful. And they did gymnastics in masks, don’t, and then they went into another room and took off their masks to eat pizza. This is the end of me. So did they really need the mask? Oh, no! Did any of us ever need the mask?

All: Noooo!

[scary music]

[scary clips playing]

Kate: My god. My god. I’m so glad I said that out loud. Of course we needed the mask. We need it. We may not know for years the full extent of what we’ve been through but we did our best and we’re gonna get through this.

David: Amen.

John: When an anti Vaxxer gets it, I feel happy.

David: No, you don’t. No, you don’t.

Kate: Well, we don’t have to wash our hands anymore. Do we?

John: Ha-ha-ha. I never did.

Blue River

Rebecca… Cecily Strong

Jenny… Heidi Gardner

Daniel… John Mulaney

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Rebecca and Jenny bumping into each other at a grocery store at pet section]

Rebecca: Oh! Sorry. Jenny!

Jenny: Oh, Rebecca! Hi. Looks like we’re both buying dog food today.

Rebecca: Well, not really. I’m buying Blue River dog food, which is real food, which my Gunther really appreciates. Right, buddy? I mean, have you ever looked at the ingredients on that big name dog food you’re buying?

Jenny: They seem fine to me.

Rebecca: Really? Okay. Well, then, why don’t you read them out loud? In front of your dog?

Jenny: Okay. Corn, chicken, corn gluten meal.

Rebecca: Sorry, what is that? [mocking] Corn gluten meal?

Jenny: No. I think you heard me. How much do you pay for Blue River? Like, $80?

Rebecca: It’s not $80. It’s $73.99. It’s actually only 32 cents more a day than what you pay monthly?

Jenny: No, it’s not.

Rebecca: Actually it is. If you take the difference in the prices between the two bags and divide that by 28, 28 days in a month, right? Seven days in a week. Correct?

Jenny: Correct. Correct.

Rebecca: Yeah, right.

Jenny: I should be going okay.

[Jenny tries to leave, but Rebecca keeps her holding]

Rebecca: 28. 28 days, four weeks is a month, right? So divided by 28, which we both agreed this month, it comes out to 32 cents a day monthly. I guess I wouldn’t be like bragging about all the savings because it’s actually not as much as you think.

Jenny: No! That math doesn’t make sense.

Rebecca: Oh, you don’t think so? Why don’t we ask my husband? Daniel!

Jenny: Oh my god! I don’t care.

[Daniel walks in. He looks at Jenny’s dog food and looks disappointed]

Daniel: Oh my god. You’re not planning on feeding that to your fur baby, are you?

Jenny: She likes it, okay? And I’m saving money.

Daniel: 32 cents a day monthly? That’s worth it to you? For your dog not to be able to walk?

[Jenny’s dog is a pug. She has kept her dog on her grocery stroller cart.]

[sad music playing]

Rebecca: [being emotional] Oh my god. That’s why the dog’s been in the stupid cart. It can’t walk because of the food. The dog has just been sitting there and I think subconsciously, I knew what that meant the whole time, but I wasn’t even ready to show that to myself to show me that.

Jenny: Okay, look, she can walk.

Daniel: [yelling] People like you should be hung in a public square. [looking at Rebecca] Okay, look at me. I can fix this.

Rebecca: [sobbing] I just feel like these animals have no voice. Who will be their voice?

Daniel: You will. Rebecca Anbush. Look at me. Look at Gunther. Look at prime time. Look at Wantan. Look at Alexander. You always, always have been their advocates and their voice more than anyone, anyone who’s ever lived.

Rebecca: I know. I know. But it’s like it’s too late. I mean, the dog can’t walk. It’s just sitting there humiliated.

Daniel: He will walk. If it starts eating Blue River today. Now for the love of God. Look your dog in the eye and listen for the first time in your life.

Jenny: Fine! Felicity What do you want?

[Rebecca goes to Jenny’s back and whispers in her hear]

Rebecca: I want Blue River dog food, mommy.  Feed me Blue River dog food, mommy. I wanna walk. It’s only 32 cents more a day monthly. I don’t want a corn gluten meal. Listen.

[Chloe walks in looking at Jenny]

Chloe: Do it! Do it! Do the right thing. It’s not too late.

Jenny: Oh my god. Fine. I will buy the Blue River, okay? [She puts in the Blue River dog food] May I go now please?

Daniel: Definitely.

Rebecca: God, we just saved that dog’s life.

Daniel: Not we. You. And you know what else? I think I’m ready to do it. I think I’m finally ready to make love to you.

Rebecca: What? It’s working?

Daniel:  If this is what I think it is, it’s working.

Rebecca: Everyone! He says it’s working.

[Everyone is cheering for them]

Chloe: Congratulations.

Rebecca: We’ll go really slow.

Daniel: Thank you.

Male voice: Blue River dog food, if you want your dog to ever walk again.

Weekend Update Peyton Manning on the NFL Playoffs

Colin Jost

Peyton Manning

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Last week’s NFL games were some of the most exciting football ever and the playoffs continue tomorrow with the AFC and NFC championships. Here to comment is Hall of Fame quarterback and two time Super Bowl champion, Peyton Manning.

[Peyton Manning slides in]

Peyton Manning: Thank you everyone. Thank you. Thanks for having me, Colin.

Colin Jost: I’m very happy you’re here. Peyton, you probably have a better perspective on this than almost anyone in history. How great were those games?

Peyton Manning: Yeah, I heard they were incredible.

Colin Jost: You heard?

Peyton Manning: Yeah, sounds like all the teams did a great job. Lots of passing and all the touchdowns were in the end zone.

Colin Jost: So, you didn’t watch any of the games?

Peyton Manning: Well, I plan to. But I had an hour to kill before the first game and just for fun, I put on the first episode of Emily in Paris, season two. And I watched the entire season straight through. Oh my god, Colin. This show has everything. Romance, adventure, sensuality, culture. A fresh take on feminism, finally. Not gonna mention a culinary tapestry so rich, I can only describe it as food porn.

Colin Jost: Wow. Well, I’m glad you liked Emily in Paris. But in football news, did you hear the rumors that Tom Brady might be retiring?

Peyton Manning: Yeah, I’m not sure it’s true. I think it’s probably just speculation. But if it were me, I probably would retire if it gave me more time to watch Emily in Paris. I really think for Tom right now. It’s just a tough decision between balancing his career and relationships. Sort of like Emily. Let me break it down for you. This is a classic showdown between Emily’s career and her love life. Early on the O’s were getting completely dominated by the axis. And there were a lot of X’s if, you know what I mean.

Colin Jost: I do not know.

Peyton Manning: Gabrielle, Matthew, kiddo, Timothy, Doug from Chicago, obviously. Now Emily wants to go deep on a relationship with Gabrielle and to get ahead at work. But as long as Camille is blocking her, she’s got to go through her progressions and check down to Alfie in the flat. Sure. It feels like a broken play and she’s just dumping it off. But emotionally she’s making forward progress.

Colin Jost: How much time did you spend on this?

Peyton Manning: And don’t even get me started on the coaching, okay? Her friend Mindy seriously told Emily to break her pinky promise to forget about Gabrielle and stay true to Alfie? Saclay blue man. It’s time of season two. You got to call a time out there. Ooh, la la? More like, “Oh no, you didn’t girl.”

Colin Jost: Oh man, I don’t know.

Peyton Manning: But you know what’s not sitting on the sidelines? The fashion. Stripped parachute pants, plaid newsboy hat, fur trim cardigan and fingerless driving gloves? She might not be driving a car, but she sure knows how to drive an episode down the field with these lutes. By the way, that’s look, but it’s spelled L-E-W-K.

Colin Jost: Thanks. Thanks, man. I got it. Honestly, I just cannot believe that you just spent Colin Jost0 straight hours watching Emily in Paris. You could have seen Josh Allen, Patrick Mahomes, one of the best quarterback duels in history.
Peyton Manning: Sure, watching football was the safe thing to do. That’s what everyone expected me to do. But if I’ve learned anything from Emily, it’s to follow my passions and always be true to myself. The French How to saying, “Polly boo francais”, Which means you do you girl.

Colin Jost: No. I’m pretty sure that just means “Do you speak French?”

Peyton Manning: I don’t speak French Colin. But thanks to Emily, I speak love.

Colin Jost: Wow. Alright, so you think that season two was even better than season one?

Peyton Manning: Wait, there’s a season one?

Colin Jost:  Peyton Manning, everyone.

Peyton Manning: Go Bills!

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Peloton Heart Attacks Alcoholic Mountain Dew

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Peloton logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Peloton is concerned after the TV show Billions became the second series in recent weeks to show a character having a heart attack while using their exercise bike. And they’re extremely worried about how they factor into Season 2 of Squid Game.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ruth Bader Ginsburg at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Item from the late Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s personal library are being auctioned off. They’re selling the books and the desk, but to honor Ginsburg’s legacy they’re gonna hang on to the seat for way longer than they should. [he puts on the glasses similar to Ginsburg’s] I’ll put on the glasses.

[Picture changes to a news article that says “Horse that played seabiscuit dies”]

The horse that played Seabiscuit in the 2003 film has died at the age of 24. So let’s pour one out for a legend. [Picture changes to a pouring glue]

[Cut to Colin Jost. there’s a picture of a Full House mansion at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The creator of Full House is selling his Beverly Hills mansion which was built on the site of a Manson Family murder. Wow, it is crazy to think that house has connections to a sick twisted criminal. I’m sure she’s fine.

[Picture changes to a burger]

McDonald’s has introduced a new sandwich that combines beef, fish and chicken that they’re calling the land air and sea. Wait is air the chicken? Does McDonald’s think chickens fly? Or do they think this is a chicken? [Picture changes to pigeon]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a dolphin at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new study of female bottlenose dolphins suggests that their clitoris can experience pleasure during sexual stimulation. But sadly their fins can’t reach.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a new can of drink at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was announced that Mountain Dew’s Baja Blast is being converted into a new alcoholic Seltzer, which is then being converted into your third DUI.

Willem Dafoe Monologue

Willem Dafoe

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Willem Dafoe.

[Willem Dafoe walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Willem Dafoe: Thank you. Thank you very much. It’s great to be back home in New York. This is where I started. I moved here when I was 21, had no money and rented an apartment on 10th Avenue A for 200 bucks a month. And that’s where I learned how to act. For example, I had to act like I enjoyed having a bathtub in my kitchen. I got started in experimental theater. I was an original member of the Wooster Group. And that background really taught me how to throw myself into a role. Some people tell me that my acting is over the top. But to me, one man’s over the top is another man’s engaged performance. For instance, in this scene, people assume I’m about to toss somebody off a building. When in reality, I was just reading a really good book. I can’t help them have an expressive face. I can’t control it. I don’t think about controlling it. I’m not one of those subtle actors like Nicolas Cage or Al Pacino. Maybe that’s why people come up to me and say, “You know what role you’d be perfect for? The Joker.” Always nice to hear that you get the vibe of a sociopath.

Listen, I wanna thank you all for coming out in the snowstorm. When I was a kid in Appleton, Wisconsin, winters were–

Aidy: Excuse me! Did someone say Appleton Wisconsin?

Willem Dafoe: Yeah, I did.

Aidy: Well, you’re never going to believe this. But we are from Appleton too.

Mikey: Yeah. Born and raised.

Willem Dafoe: That’s nice. You came here to support one of your own.

Mikey: No, no, we got tickets from the lottery.

Aidy: Yeah, I had no idea you were hosting but we’re huge fans. We’ve seen all your Spider-Man movies. Spider-Man, Spider-Man 2, Spider-Man the new one.

Willem Dafoe: You know I have done other films.

Mikey: Oh, yeah, we know. We know we loved you in full metal jacket.

Willem Dafoe: I actually wasn’t in that one. Maybe you’re thinking of Platoon.

Mikey: No, no.

Aidy: And you were great in the Passion of the Christ.

Willem Dafoe: I wasn’t in that one either. I was in “Last Temptation of Christ.”

Aidy: Well what about “Speed 2: Cruise Control?”

Mikey: Yeah, that was you in Speed 2, right?

Willem Dafoe: That was me.

Aidy: Well, Appleton is just so proud of you. I mean, you’re out there making movies with big Hollywood stars like Timothy Chalamet and Shrek.

Mikey: We just wish you still had your Wisconsin accent.

Willem Dafoe: Oh, well, I can I can still speak Wisconsin.

Aidy: Oh, well, can you do for it us?

Mikey: Oh yeah, I bet everyone back home would just flip if you did a real Wisconsin accent on TV.

Willem Dafoe: Okay, sure. Ay you guys? Let’s go down to Graham Bose and get a drink from the bubbler.

Aidy: You still got it.

Mikey: Yeah. Hey, has anyone told you, you should play the Joker?

Willem Dafoe: We got a great show for you tonight. Katy Perry is here. So stick around and we’ll be right back.

Tenant MeetingTenant Meeting

Alex Moffat

Chloe Fineman

Ms. Delessio… Sarah Sherman

Ms. Quincy… Ego Nwodim

Mrs. Wilton… Heidi Gardner

Jamarcus… Chris Redd

Kevin… Mikey Day

Clark… Bowen Yang

Chet Fillmore… Willem Dafoe

Mr. Milos… Aristotle Athari

Tommy… Pete Davidson

Jan Krang… Aidy Bryant

Mr. Carson… Kenan Thompson

Mrs. Baumann… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with tenants having a meeting]

Alex: Okay everyone, welcome to the first tenants Association meeting of 2022. I know we usually have coffee and Dunkin munchkins at these meetings, but I forgot to pick them up.

Punkie: Then why am I even here? Shame on you.

Chloe: Wow, she left. Okay, well, we will now hear tenant complaints and concerns. But remember we are all neighbors in this building. So let’s please keep it civil. Yes, Ms. Delessio from unit 7-E.

Ms. Delessio: [showing a paper] What the hell is this? You raised my maintenance fee up $12 this month.

Alex: We had to fix a leak in the roof.

Ms. Delessio: Well, this just in. I don’t live on the roof, so I’m not paying it.

Alex: We’re just gonna send you another bill. Next Ms. Quincy from 2-F.

Ms. Quincy: Hello. I would like to formally ask the board’s permission to kill my neighbor’s loud, stupid, yappy dog.

Chloe: Obviously permission is denied.

Ms. Quincy: Bitch, I don’t need it. I was asking as a courtesy.

Chloe: Miss Quincy. No. Yes, Mrs. Wilton.

Mrs. Wilton: I am livid. Right now. The laundry machines in this building are a disgrace. I wash my 13 year old son’s socks every week, but a day later, tada, they turn hard is the rock. [banging the table with the sock] Hear that? Hear that? I will go to the news with this if the machines are not fixed. Thank you and goodbye.

Alex: Yikes. Okay, looks like our doorman, Jamarcus wants to say something.

Jamarcus: Hey, folks, hey. This is for all the white tenants. Not all of you, but a lot of you. I’m not sure how it started. But many of you have come to believe my name is Jamarcus. It is not. My name is Robert and I let it slide at first. But it seems like it’s catching on. I want to just nip it in the bud. Thank you.

Chloe: Thank you Jamarcus. Next Kevin and Clark from 8-C?

Kevin: Yes. I have a question. [singing] When is the building talent show?

Clark: Tuesday?

Kevin: What time does it start, I have to know

Clark:5 to midnight.

Kevin:Is there food?

Clark:No.

Kevin:Are there drinks?

Clark: No.

Kevin:Well, who’s performing

Clark:Just so far?

Kevin and Clark:So sign up today

Clark: You were off key.

Kevin: What?

Clark: You were off key!

Kevin: No, Clark! Wait.

Alex: Wow, that should be fun, huh? Okay, next.

Chet Fillmore: For those who don’t know me, I’m Chet Fillmore. I bought the top three floors of this building in 1971 for $1. And I’ve been a pain in the ass ever since. My question is what the hell happened to this city? What’s the danger, man? Was the art? Back in my days, it was all pimps and whores, junkies and perverts all over Time Square. Man, it was great. It goes CBGBs and Iggy Pop would puke on your face and we liked it. Where did that city go, man?

Alex: No idea. And what is your question?

Chet Fillmore: I don’t have one. I just want to be a pain in the ass.

Chloe: Okay, well, thank you Mr. Fillmore. Yes, next.

Melissa: Hi. I just moved to the city. I’m new. I’m loving it. I’m in 5-F, the 300 square foot studio with no toilet and no windows. My question is what is my $600,000 rent due?

Chloe: On the first of the month. And welcome to the building. Next Mr. Milos.

Mr. Milos: Yes sir. Google Translate. [foreign language] feed on us ketosis to hit

Google translate: I need to milk faucet, so make destruction.

Alex: Mr. Milos. I’m sorry, we don’t quite understand.

Mr. Milos: Yes, I start? Thank you so much.

Chloe: No, no, no. Wait. He’s gonna take down another wall. Okay, I see our building super is here with an update on the Rhoden situation. Tommy, how is the rat problem?

Tommy: Bad.

Alex: Okay, thank you Tommy. And next– Sorry, remind me of your name again.

Jan Krang: Jan Krang. J-A-N K-RANG. Unit nine-A. A as in Ana delas armas. And I move that we ban all teens from the building. They gather outside my apartment to have white claws and do 69ers.

Chloe: Ms. Krang, we cannot ban teens from the building, so please give it up. Yes, Mr. Young.

Mr. Young: When will Varizon install the friggin FIOS? It’s been 10 years.

Chloe: They’re working on it sir. Yes, Hello boys, next.

Jeremy: What’s up? What’s good? What’s up? We’re NYU students subletting 11-F. I’m Jeremy. That’s Hunter.

Hunter: What’s good?

Jeremy: So, one of us might have maybe dropped us a small baggie of baking soda in the elevator. If you come across it, please return it to 11-F.

Alex: If it’s what I think it is, it’s going straight in the trash.

Hunter: Douche.

Chloe: Moving on to standing complaints, Mr. Carson the female love making screams are still coming from 5-C every night.

Mr. Carson: Oops.

Alex: Well, can you please ask your guests to keep the volume down?

Mr. Carson: Hey, man, I asked my female guests this is to ship ship but it seems it’s too good.

Alex: Well, I had to ask. Okay, moving on. Oh, no. Mrs. Baumann, is this about the buildings pet policy?

Mrs. Baumann: No.

Alex: All right. Go ahead.

Mrs. Baumann: By the limits on cats per unit must be raised from three to 75. Part one.

Alex: Okay. No, no. Meeting adjourned.

Chloe: Thank you all. Please pick up any trash on your way out. Make the clean up a little easier for Jamarcus.

Jamarcus: Please, god. It’s Robert. Come on, man.

Russian Disinformation Cold Open

Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

Alex Moffat

Mikayla… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with officials holding a meeting at the president’s office]

Kenan: Mr. President the situation in Ukraine is growing tension by the hour. Putin has amassed over hundredthousand troops at the border.

Ego: We’re even getting some reports that Russia has already invaded. But those are from the same people who said Tom Brady retired. So, take it with a grain of salt.

Ego: What about the NATO forces? Are they ready to back us up?

Kenan: Well, every country is sending supplies to Ukraine except Germany. They’re staying out of it.

Joe Biden: Oh, man. Germany doesn’t want to go to war. You know, it’s bad.

Alex: Sir, if I may, Russia’s military presence may be the least of our problems.

Ego: We’ve been tracking the spread of Russian disinformation in Ukraine. And there are some lies, Ukrainians don’t know what to believe anymore.

Joe Biden: Russia tried that during our last election too. But it didn’t work.

Kenan: Well, 40% of Americans think you lost the election. So, it kinda did.

Alex: Take a look at these posts that are circulating on Ukrainian Facebook. [They’re reading news headlines] Ukrainian border encroaching on Russian troops.

Ego: Russian forces surrounding Ukraine just to give it big hug.

Alex: Ukrainian president horny for drama, wants war: “Slap me harder, Daddy.”

Joe Biden: I’m gonna break my New Year’s resolution and say it. Malarkey!

Ego: They’re also bringing our country into it. American CDC strongly recommends Russia invade Ukraine.

Kenan: Wait, didn’t the CDC really recommend that?

Joe Biden: For a few months in 2020. The science was changing so fast.

Alex: There was also this. Neil Young to remove music from Spotify unless Ukraine surrender.

Ego: And this one’s unbelievable. Are you a lonely Ukrainian woman in search of love? 100,000 troops are standing by to talk to you, at soldiersonly.com.

Joe Biden: My god. I mean, it is a good idea for a website.

Alex: They’re even turning our most beloved heroes against us. I don’t always get invaded but when I do I prefer Russia.

Ego: Not to mention this. Why I got to be Ukrainian when Russia two feet away? Nothing is sacred to them. Not even guy checking out hot girl.

Alex: And it’s not only meme sir. Look at this video a Russian spy posted on TikTok?

[Cut to a tiktok where two guys are dressed Russian and Ukrainian army and dancing together]

Joe Biden: What the hell was that?

Alex: Sir, it’s a video with 8.7 million views.

Joe Biden: No, no, I mean, what the hell was that dancing? Choreography wasn’t even crisp. Gonna log in and flame those guys in the comments.

Ego: Unfortunately, Mr. President, this goes beyond social media. Look at this commercial that’s airing on Ukrainian MTV.

[Cut to a made up video]

Kyle: I can’t take it anymore, Bae. I’m a typical Ukrainian teenager and I have no hope for my future.

Kate: Tell me about its years. That’s why I’m thinking of going to Russia, which I stand.

Kyle: Russia? You mean the land of wealth and freedom? Bop!

Kate: That’s right. I hear you can get a job in Russia right away, mining arsenic and potash. And whatever potash they don’t use for fertilizer, you can get to the end.

Kyle: But Russia is too popular. We’ll never get in.

Kate: You’re right. If only Russia could come to us.

Female voice: Brought to you by students for the Russian invasion of Ukraine. Cuz Russia can get it Periodt.

Joe Biden: That’s ridiculous. Now which one of those two was Zendaya?

Alex: Sir, these pro Russia commercials are saturating Ukrainian television. I mean, look at this one.

[Cut to another commercial]

Pete: Oh, no. I am American ball toss player Aaron Rodgers. And my car is broken down in Ukraine. Only one thing to do, like a good neighbor. Russia is there.

Chris: Hello to you, Aaron Rodgers. Need some help?

Pete: Jay from Russia? Can you get me out of this Ukraine?

Chris: Of course, I will take you to meet our president. He would love to see a Super Bowl ring and maybe hold it for a while.

Pete and Chris: [singing] Like a good neighbor, you are there, Russia.

Pete: Yes, there we go.

Joe Biden: Wait. So, you’re telling me Ukrainians are supposed to believe that’s the real Aaron Rodgers.

Kenan: Apparently, that is the real Aaron Rodgers. I guess he left the Packers to play for Russia.

Joe Biden: So, what can we do to fight back against all these propaganda.

Ego: Well, we have to fight fire with fire. That’s why I’d like to introduce you to our new Secretary of Defense, Mikayla.

[Mikayla walks in]

Mikayla: Hi. I’m Mikayla, spelled the worst way. I a junior at a vicious Girls High School and y’all work for me now.

Joe Biden: Oh, hold on, hold on. The CIA must have operatives on social media already.

Mikayla: Ahem-ahem. They do and it’s rough. Look at what your agents made. “I like democracy then. Then don’t side with me, I’m Russia?”

Kenan: Oh my god. That’s choogy.

Mikayla: Facts, literally facts. I know. The only thing more pathetic was our attempt at TikTok.

[Cut to a TikTok video of a woman who doing 2021 to 2022 transformation.]

Kenan: What does that even mean? Almost looks like if Russia invades it will turn old Ukrainian women into sexy nurses.

Joe Biden: Let’s just do something fun and simple that everyone can get by. Like a drone strike.

Mikayla: Okay, okay, Mr. President, I think your generation can learn a lot from mine. Like, we don’t believe in drone strikes. We believe in breaking down our enemies psychologically. That’s why I’m gonna DM Putin and say, “Oh my god, I loved your outfit the other day. Was that Old Navy?” Already, he’s spiraling. He’s all like, “Do they think I’m poor?” In three weeks he will have completely lost his mind.

Joe Biden: You done this before?

Mikayla: Does the name Giuliani ring a bell?

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Office Song

Heidi Gardner

Melissa Villaseñor

Andrew Dismukes

Kyle Mooney

Jeremiah… Willem Dafoe

Punkie Johnson

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a group of employees in their office]

Heidi: Okay, gang, these are all the files for the Innotech case. We’re looking for any transactions that point to funneling of funds into improper overseas accounts.

Melissa: These files go back six years. This is gonna take all night.

Andrew: I mean, if we’re lucky.

Kyle: Guys, I’m sorry. There’s nothing we can do. But I did ask our new temp, Jeremiah, to order pizza.

Jeremiah: Done and done boss. I hope 24 biggies are enough.

Punkie: It seems like plenty, Jeremiah. Yo. And I think it’s great that you’re reentering the workforce at your age.

Jeremiah: Well, thank you ma’am. Retirement wasn’t for me. So I thought what the heck? I don’t know. I’m excited.

Heidi: Okay, well, come on everybody. Grab a box and dig in. The clock’s ticking. We might as well get started.

Andrew: Great.

[Andrew starts to play a beat with his pencil on the desk]

Punkie: Okay. Okay. Wait.

[Punkie makes clicking sounds with the stapler]

[Melissa makes tinging sound with the glass]

[Jeremiah is looking around smiling. He’s enjoying.]

Heidi: [singing] Zappada-zappada-zow

Kyle: I like that.

Heidi: Zappada-zappada-zow

Kyle: Oh yeah!

Heidi: Zappada-zappada-zow

Kyle: Oh yeah!

Heidi: Zappada-zappada-zow

Andrew: Pumpada-pumpada-pow

Kyle: In the jungle, the mighty jungle
the lion sleeps tonight

Kyle and Melissa: In the jungle, the quiet jungle
the lion sleeps tonight

[Jeremiah getting too excited throws a chair out of the window breaking the glass.]
do not eat in the jungle the quiet jungle

Heidi: Jerimiah!

Punkie: Why did you do that?

Jeremiah: I was trying to join in. I thought it would bounce off the window and make a cool sound.

Andrew: We’re 15 stories up, man. He’s gonna kill someone.

Heidi: What were you gonna do? Throw another chair every eight bar?

Jeremiah: Well, if it sounded cool, I would have.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: Ay, who threw a damn chair out this damn building?

Melissa: I’m sorry sir. Our temp had a little bit of a mishap.

Kenan: A mishap? Man, that chair just crushed my brand new Mercedes S class.

Jeremiah: We were signing an impromptu songs sir. Made it up on the spot. Then someone threw a chair. Do we remember who? Who did that?

Kenan: Man! You did a million dollars worth of damage.

Andrew: Sir, please. Look, I know this is bad. But it is his first day. Remember my first day? I was so nervous. I kept calling you daddy. You gave me a second chance.

Heidi: He’s got a point sir. What do you say?

Kenan: Hmm. I’m gonna regret this. But I’ll see you all here tomorrow.

[The next day]

Kenan: All right, let’s see it.

Andrew: Okay, Jeremiah. You can do this. Ready?

[They try to teach Jeremiah how to make sounds using office tools. But Jeremiah mistakenly throws the table top name plate at Heidi and she falls out of the window.]

All: Oh my god!

Kenan: No, no, it’s okay. It’s okay. She’s okay. She’s hanging on the ledge.

Jeremiah: I’ll throw another chair to help her climb out.

All: Jeremiah, no!

Kenan: Put the chair down.

Andrew: The worst temp ever!