Tag: season 47

Fox News Ukraine Cold Open

Tucker Carlson… Alex Moffat

Laura Ingram… Kate McKinnon

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

Steven Seagal… Bowen Yang

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Kimberly Guilfoyle… Cecily Strong

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: And now live from Mar-A-Lago, it’s the Fox News Ukrainian Invasion Celebration Spectacular.  With your hosts Tucker Carlson and Laura Ingram.

[Cut to the show set]

Tucker Carlson: Good evening everyone, I’m Tucker Carlson. I’m like a pair of both shoes came to life.

Laura Ingram: And I’m Laura Ingram and when I watch Harry Potter, I root for Voldemort.

Tucker Carlson: We got into a weird a bit of trouble for all the nice things we said about Russia and the mean things we said about Ukraine.

Laura Ingram: We did sound pretty awful in hindsight and foresight.

Tucker Carlson: I kept asking why do we hate Putin? Aren’t liberals in America even worse?

Laura Ingram: Right. And I called the president of Ukraine pathetic. He stayed and fought with his people in the war, and I called him pathetic from a news desk in Washington.

Tucker Carlson: I kept saying we should be more worried about our own border getting invaded by Mexico, but in my defense, I am racist. So I thought that was true.

Laura Ingram: But tonight, we’re gonna make it up to you. We’re raising money for the real victims of this invasion, the oligarchs, because we need to think about the babies. Their Sugar Babies who will pour vodka in their mouths. So many horny mouths to feed.

Tucker Carlson: So please open your wallets. And because this is Fox News, you can either send money or take out a reverse mortgage. So far, we’ve raised over 8.3 billion rubles, which comes out to almost $12.

Laura Ingram: And this is incredibly exciting. Former and current President of the United States, Donald Trump is manning the phone lines himself.

Donald Trump: [talking on the phone] And you know, the thing about Rihanna is you know what, she could pull it off, but she could be nine months, body’s still incredible. It’s just wow. But now you’re gonna have a lot of women. We’re seeing this right now. Threes, fours, frankly trolls, wearing the same see through shirts. You know what? I hesitate to say whales because I know the whales are very popular with the whales. I do great with whales. You know, they come up to me on the beach and they say “Thank you, Mr. President.” You know, the blowhole is blasting away to Donald Trump00 feet in the air. It’s how they salute me.

Tucker Carlson: Okay, welcome back to Mr. President. Because our first guest is here. He’s a great American patriots, so great that he left America and became a Russian citizen, the puffy hast action star in the world Steven Seagal.

Steven Seagal: Thank you, Tucker. Oh, what a global crisis we are facing. As someone who proudly pretends to be both Native American and Japanese, I feel for all people.

Tucker Carlson: Now, you’re close with President Putin, right?

Steven Seagal: Yes, Putin and I are, as they say in ancient Japan, Eskimo brothers. So I will be honoring Putin by performing an authentic taekwondo exhibition. Hai-ya Hai-ya Hi-yo. Now, it’s time to honor myself with a traditional Japanese shamrock shake, the efficient feasible beverage of all Aikido exhibitions. Haiy-ya.

Laura Ingram: Thank you, Steven. Now, let’s get back in with the man who said Putin’s invasion was very smart and also said China should invade Taiwan next. Mr. President?

Donald Trump: [still talking on the phone] My favorite food is probably bread and more specifically, bun. I like bun. Bun is great. Especially with respect to burger. You know what? Now they want to go beyond burger. Can you believe that? I want to stay right at Burger. Beyond is not good. Joe Biden has gotten beyond burger and it is not going so well. And you know what? Neither has reboot a Fresh Prince. It’s very different and I’m laughing and I’m laughing and I’m laughing but I don’t know why.

Laura Ingram: I do hear a dial tone on the other end of that phone. So let’s hear what kind of prizes we’re giving away tonight.

Tucker Carlson: Laura, we’re sending every Russian soldier a Fox News care package. And that includes My Pillow, a six month subscription to LifeLock, and Tucker Carlson0 American flag catheters.

Laura Ingram: All courtesy to tonight’s sponsor Acorn Stairlifts. You’re going to heaven soon. Practice going up with Acorn Stairlift.

Tucker Carlson: Now, please welcome America’s first couple, the real Prince Harry and Meghan Markel, Don Jr. And Kimberly Guilfoyle. They’re going to be performing duet in honor of Russia and Ukraine coming together.

[Instrumental to “Shallow” playing]

Kimberly Guilfoyle: [singing] Tell me something boy
Don’t you love that big Russian Convo
or do you need more?
This invasion gets me so damn hard

Donald Trump Jr. and Kimberly Guilfoyle: In the shaa-shallow
we’re far from the shallow now

Kimberly Guilfoyle: I’m off the deep end
we should take Ukraine
it’s more white than black

Tucker Carlson: Yeah. I’m gonna cut that one a little short. Thank you, guys.

Donald Trump Jr.: Is there a bathroom with a mirrored counter nearby?

Tucker Carlson: Yeah, man, it’s Mar-A-Lago Okay. All right, guys, you know I do have a quick announcement. Is anybody driving a yacht with a license plate “niet means da”? Your boat is currently being towed by NATO.

Laura Ingram: Also, Putin has just criminalized free speech and shut down all independent news organizations.

Tucker Carlson: Yeah, so I’m thinking can we please do that to CNN?

[Tucker Carlson and Laura Ingram laughing]

Laura Ingram: Every time I laugh, an Angel dies.

Tucker Carlson: Now, let’s take a quick break. When we come back, we’ll be giving away a free T shirt.

Laura Ingram: That’s right. The front says “I stormed the Capitol”, and the back says “This does not constitute an admission of guilt”.

Tucker Carlson: And plus, win tickets to see Matt Gaetz do a live reading of his favorite Russian novel, Bolita.

Donald Trump: And I’ve got something I’d like to say to Putin as well. Vladimir, I want you to hear this from me. You was smart, you was kind, you was important. And here’s a little song for me to you.

[singing] My funny valentine
sweet comic valentine
you make me smile with my heart
Your looks are laughable
unphotographable
Yet you’re my favorite work of art.

Laura Ingram: [interrupting] Thank you so much–

Donald Trump: [continues] Is your figure less than Greek
is your mouth a little weak
when you open it to speak
are you smart?

Tucker Carlson: [interrupting] Alright, that’s more than generous–

Donald Trump: [continues] But don’t change a hair for me
not if you care for me
stay little valentine, stay
Each day is Valentine’s Day
I love you, Vlad

Laura Ingram: I know he loves you too.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Fiction Workshop

James Austin Johnson

Aidy Bryant

Janitor… Oscar Isaac

Melissa Villaseñor

Chris Redd

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a group of students in the fiction workshop]

James: Abraham Lincoln smiled. She may be flawed, but she’s still my country. Anyway, see you tonight at the theater. The end.

Aidy: Wow, that was great line. Very relevant too.

James: Very much the intention. Thank you.

Aidy: Well, great stories tonight everyone. And we will be back next month. All are welcome.

[Janitor walks in]

Oh, sir. I’m sorry. Will be two minutes.

Janitor: Oh my gosh, you’re not finished. Excuse me?

Aidy: Oh, well, actually, sir. I don’t think we’ve ever actually spoken but I feel like I always see you with a different book. You like reading?

Janitor: Oh, yeah. Yes, ma’am. So I’ve seen the world 10 times over because of my books.

Aidy: Oh, wow. I love that. Will you ever try any writing?

Janitor: Oh, I mean, I dabble but no. Maybe one day you all are the writers.

Aidy: Well, why don’t you read us something? I mean, whatever you got.

Janitor: I don’t know.

Aidy: Hey, no judgments here. We’re all just trying stuff out. Promise.

Melissa: Come on, man. Take a seat.

James: Yeah, love to hear it pal.

Chris: Absolutely.

Janitor: Gosh, so nice. I’ve never read in front of people before. Well, this one’s called the “Apogee of Midnight”.

Aidy: Oh, lovely. Well, please.

Janitor: Okay, yeah. Well, there it was again, the sound of mop on tile, the start of another late night, one of 1000s like it alone in Chandler High. But the janitor liked the silence. It held them in a cool delicate calm.

Heidi: Wow, I really like that.

Janitor: Thank you. Then, footsteps. Loud and getting closer. “Hello, school’s closed.” A woman turned the corner. She looked lost. “Sorry. I’m looking for someone named Mike.” “Oh yeah? Who’s asking?” “My name is Dua Lipa. I’m a big pop star. And I’m looking for a janitor here named Mike.”

Aidy: Okay.

Janitor: The janitor paused. That was his name. Dua Lipa sighed. ” You haven’t heard me have you?” “Sorry, ma’am. More of a classic rock guy myself. Sure. Maybe I’ve seen a bikini pic or two. How can I help?”

Aidy: Okay, you know what? It is getting pregnant late. So I think we should probably wrap it up.

James: Bt he just got started.

Janitor: Wrap up? Why? So I can mop? Heck, I got time.

Chris: Yeah, and I want to know where it’s going.

Melissa: I doubt.

Heidi: Yeah, I think I’m good.

Janitor: Yeah, you’re right. I’m bad at this.

Aidy: No, no, we support it. So please go ahead.

Janitor: Okay, thank you. “Mind if I sit down?” Dua Lipa was exhausted. She just done a concert in Europe and were still in her sparkly show get up. He liked her. She was cool. “So what brings you out all this way to see little old me, girly?” “I don’t know. This is gonna sound crazy.” “Come on Dua Lipa. You know, you can talk to me. I’m your friend.” It’s true. They were fast friends. And nothing more, right?

Heidi: Are you asking us?

Janitor: Please, I’m still reading. “Well, I guess I wanted to ask you a favor Mike.” “Sure thing, girly. What’s up?” “Could you teach me how to make out? I’ve never done it before.”

Aidy: Okay. I’m sorry. Just no.

James: Come on.

Chris: Why?

Aidy: Look, I think it’s great that you write. I just don’t really want to hear about your weird made up thing with Dua Lipa. I’m sorry. I don’t.

Janitor: My thing? This ain’t me, mama. This is fiction. She’s a third person.

Heidi: Yeah, about a gender name Mike.

Janitor: Right.

Aidy: And so what is your name?

Janitor: Michael B. Jackson. Why?

Melissa: It’s just kind of creepy, man.

Heidi: Very creepy.

Janitor: Oh, I see. I guess I’m not a writer after all. Back to the toilet it is.

[Janitor stands and walks away]

Aidy: Okay, just finish it please.

[Janitor walks back fast]

Janitor: Okay cool. “Sure Dua Lipa. I could teach you how to make out.” “Wait, can my friend come? Her name is Tony McDaniels.” “The famous ginger MILF?” “One and the same.” “You know her?” “Know her? I manage her subreddit, the Gaza Day Rockstar. Of course pornography hadn’t been the same since the 70s back before TJ months took over at stuffed, when the mags had vision and the spreads were actually good.”

Aidy: Sorry, I do think we need to call it there. I think I’m sorry.

Janitor: Okay, okay. Blah blah blah blah blah, stuff happened, stuff happened. Okay, fine. Dua laughed, “Ha-ha-ha. Hey, Michael B. Thanks. This truly was the Apogee of Midnight. Amen.” Chapter Two.

Melissa: Amen?

Heidi: Chapter two? That wasn’t the end.

Janitor: Oh honey, we got 800 pages in book one. Strap in.

Aidy: Okay. Have a great night, everyone. Get home safe, okay?

[All the ladies leave. James and Chris are still there for him to finish.]

Aidys Dream

Aidy Bryant

Oscar Isaac

Bowen Yang

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Aidy Bryant in her makeup room]

Aidy: Oh, hi. I’m SNL’s Aidy Bryant. You know, over my 10 years on the show, I have played dozens of teachers, principals, mothers, women named Diane, Susan or teacher. I have loved all of these sweet nurturing women. But the show said that if I played 150 of them, then as a reward, I could write a sketch of my own choosing, you know, to show a different side of myself. So tonight, this is that sketch. Enjoy.

[Cut to the sketch. Oscar is being dressed by Bowen and Kyle.]

Oscar: Oh good god, I’m so nervous. I can’t believe she agreed to go on a date with me, a lose and a fool.  How do I look?

Bowen: You look fantastic, so I’m sure she’ll be titillated.

Kyle: But you’re right to be scared. She is the most widely desired woman in the world.

Oscar: Oh, I’m sick. I’m sick with feeling for this woman. [doorbell ringing.] It’s her. Pray for me, boys.

Aidy: Oh, hello. Now, scram, boys, and leave this man to me.

Oscar: Oh, my God. You are so beautiful and sexual. And I can tell your personality is also very good.

Aidy: Oh, God, if I had a nickel for every time I heard a man say that, I’d have so many coins, it’d be annoying.

Oscar: Oh, sensual woman. You make me so horny. I see why they cool you the sexual woman.

[Cut back to Aidy in herm makeup room]

Aidy: So, yes. I lied to Oscar Isaac. I told him I have a famous recurring character on the show called “The Sexual Woman”. Is that a crime?

[Cut to the sketch. Isaac is brushing Aidy’s hair.]

Oscar: I’m the luckiest man on earth to be brushing your hair. Mind if I get a little closer?

Aidy: Oh, sure. Bring your head and body that look like that close to the mine. Whatever. I don’t care.

Oscar: I need you to know, I see you sexually. I don’t see you as someone who would like run a school. I mean, you are the most under 35 person I’ve ever met.

Aidy: Oh, stop it, you flirt.

Oscar: Well, I bet you’re about to do your big catch phrase?

Aidy: Oh, right. Yes. My famous catchphrase, of course. What was it? Yes, here we go. Hey, you, get your fat ass on my lap, bitch.

Oscar: Well, okay.

Aidy: Yes, come on.

[Oscar sits on Aidy’s laps]

Oscar: I must confess I have a big cool boner right now. I sometimes get when I respect someone too much.

[Cut to Aidy in her makeup room]r

Aidy: Now, why did I choose Oscar Isaac for the sketch? No reason. I mean pretty random. Every time I’ve done something romantic on the show, it’s been totally random. Like with Ryan Gosling or Drake. Oh my god. Do I have a pattern of sexual randomness? Well, whatever. You only live once. Now back to the sketch.

[Cut to the sketch. Aidy is eating and Oscar is watching her eat.]

Oscar: Is the food alright? I hope you even like spaghetti.

Aidy: You’re lucky that I do.

Oscar: Oh, dammit! I’m in love with you and it’s killing me.

[Oscar breaks the glass he’s holding]

Aidy: Oh! Yes, to me, this is normal behavior.

Oscar: I wrote a song for you. If that’s okay.

[Oscar starts playing a guitar and sings]

[singing] Sexual woman are you from Paris, Dubai or Barcelona.

Aidy: No, I’m from Arizona

Oscar: Sexual woman, I respect you so much
as is demonstrated by my insane Boner.

Aidy: Oh brother, a boner? Well, let me guess. You want to kiss me now?

Oscar: Yes I do. But not yet. You need time to digest all that spaghetti. For now, could we just hug?

Aidy: Good idea. I would have forgotten to digest and I would have regretted it later.

Oscar: What they say about who was true. You are everyone’s cup of tea. Including me, Oscar Isaac. [Oscar looks at the cue card with suspiciously]

Aidy: Oh, I know, Oscar Isaac.

Oscar: [breaking the character] Sorry. I’m sorry. It says my real name on the cards. Is that a mistake?

Aidy: I don’t know. I guess the writers are so annoying and stupid. I would say, I guess just go with it.

Oscar: Okay, all right. Yes. [gets into the character] Then let’s get my fat ass on your lap.

Aidy: Yes!

Male voice: The Sexual Woman. Hey, get your fat ass on my lap, bitch.

 

Aerotoilet

Terry… Kate McKinnon

Oscar Isaac

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Terry and Oscar talking in their family reunion. There are many people enjoying there.]

Terry: Our family reunion is a hit! We haven’t had this many people in the house in two years.

Oscar: I know. But I’m honestly a little worried about all these people using our bathroom. Can the septic handle it?

Terry: Don’t worry. We’ve got AeroToilet.

Oscar: Aero what?

Terry: [showing the product] From the makers of AeroBed, now there’s AeroToilet, the inflatable guest toilet you can really go to the bathroom in.

Oscar: Huh!

Terry: In seconds, it’s fully inflated and ready to use. And voilà your home office becomes our new guest bathroom.

Oscar: Wow! That’s amazing.

Terry: Go ahead. Give it a try.

[Oscar opens his pants and sits on the toilet]

Oscar: Oh, boy! Whoa! Whoa!Is this supposed to wobble like this?

Terry: Just adjust the firmness with that little toggle there.

Oscar: Oh.

[He adjusts]

[Air hisses]

Terry: Better?

Oscar: Much. I mean, I’m using this exactly the way I’d use a regular ceramic toilet.

Terry: That’s the whole point.

Oscar: I mean, I can really do it all.

Terry: And more. And AeroToilet goes anywhere. And it’s so affordable, you’ll want one for every corner of your house. And since there’s no plumbing, there’s no place AeroToilet can’t go.

Kyle: Okay, that’s awesome.

Terry: Not near an outlet? Just inflate manually using the convenient mouth tube.

[Terry is blowing the AeroToilet by herself]

Oscar: Ooh, careful not to suck.

Terry: Good thinking.

Kyle: Great party, Terry.  And I love the house. What is it, a three bedroom, nine bath?

[Both laugh]

[Kyle starts peeing in front of Terry]

Terry: There’s even inflatable toilet paper and an inflatable magazine, if you get bored.

Oscar: Who is ready for another hot dog?

Bowen: Right after this game. [he is sitting on a toilet while playing the game] Oh, yes!

Terry: Oh, wow. Looks like it’s getting pretty full.

Melissa: Now what?

Oscar: Well, when it’s time for the guests to leave, all you do is open this handy valve–

Terry:  John! Not in here! There’s no plumbing!

Oscar: Oh, my God! It’s going everywhere!

Melissa: Everybody run!

Kyle: Oh my god.

Male voice: AeroToilet, from the makers of AeroBed. Not safe for pool use.

Melissa: [pooping in the living room] Occupied.

Weekend Update Russia Invades Ukraine Biden Nominates Ketanji Brown Jackson

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of maps of Ukraine and Russia at left top corner.]

Well, this week Russia began their invasion of Ukraine, President Putin launched the attack with support from allies like Bella Rousse, and Tucker Carlson. Many analysts were surprised Putin went through with the invasion even though it was obviously going to be a colossal mistake, but he couldn’t back down after all that build up. Kind of like how NBC still had to go through with airing the Winter Olympics.

[Picture changes to Vladimir Putin]

Experts on Russian politics are saying that economic sanctions in the West will not deter Putin because his money is a non traditional assets that are difficult to trace. So, on top of everything else awful about Putin, he’s also into crypto.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of chart showing downfall of Russian stock market at right top corner.]

Michael Che: After the invasion of Ukraine, the Russian stock market fell by 30% to -90%. This is a tough subject to make jokes about. I mean, in my lifetime, I’ve seen footage of attacks like this on other countries, but never a white one. I don’t know very much about this whole situation. But I have a close friend who’s Russian. And I asked her what she thought about it and she said, “Michael, you no paid me to talk baby.” But I am very impressed by all Ukrainian citizens signing up to defend their country, even the famous ones. Imagine that here. If you have a read on the news Michael Che has joined an American war, we have just lost that war.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Chernobyl at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: One of the first places Russian forces seize when invading Ukraine was Chernobyl, the site of the 1986 nuclear disaster. Said Ukrainians, “Oh no, don’t take that.” Capturing Chernobyl is like landing an audition for Harvey Weinstein now.

[Picture changes to Donald trump and Vladimir Putin]

Donald Trump– Great transition. Donald Trump phrased Vladimir Putin moving troops into Ukraine saying “This is genius.” Though this is genius is also how he sarcastically introduces Eric.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ketanji Brown Jackson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson seen here getting tired of y’all’s foolishness, was nominated by President Biden to become the first black woman on the Supreme Court. The nomination fulfills Biden’s promise to change the subject. [Picture changes to Ukraine and Russia map.] You clapped too early.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden and Ketanji Brown Jackson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Biden chose Jackson after interviewing three finalists this week. “Weird, I thought interviewing black candidates was just for show” said the NFL.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new book claims that while Donald Trump was President, White House staff routinely found wads of paper clogging the toilet. So, either he tried to flush classified documents or he eats the wrappers.

[Picture changes to subway train]

In the days after New York Mayor Eric Adams announced a new plan to stop violence in the city’s transit system, six people were stabbed on the subway. And I think I speak for all New Yorkers when I say, that sounds pretty low.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Prince Andrew at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that Buckingham Palace staff have been mocking Prince Andrew with a nursery rhyme. Said Prince Andrew, “Oh, nursery!”

[Picture changes to Kentucky Derby logo]

Officials have posthumously stripped Medina Spirit of his Kentucky Derby victory for failing a post race drug test. And I just want to say to Medina Spirit, “I hope it’s hot and horse hell you cheating bastard.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Dog returned after mission for 12 years” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Medina Spirit sounds like a Tyler Perry character. A dog in California that went missing 12 years ago was found and returned to her owner, after spending more than a decade living at Dave’s taxidermy shop.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Man gets AA battery stuck in penis” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A man in Iran went to the hospital after he got a AA battery stuck inside his penis. It was AA because that’s the sound he makes when it goes in.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a Luke Cage comic book at right top corner.]

This year marks the 50th anniversary of one of Marvel Comics first black superheroes, Luke Cage. In the comics, Luke Cage faces off against black people’s most powerful enemy of the 1970s, LED paint.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a handgun at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Police arrested twin sisters after they got mad at a restaurant worker and shot him in the face. This according to Peacocks very dark reboot of “Sister Sister”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of FDA logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week, the FDA granted the first condom approved for anal sex. It took them this long because their wives would only let them test it on their birthdays.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a ocean wave at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Do you get it? Researchers have observed a nearly 60 foot tall rogue wave off the coast of British Columbia, which is the largest ever recorded. Researchers believe the wave was generated when yo mama fell overboard. Well, for Weekend Update, oops all jokes. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Podcast Set

Phil… John Mulaney

[Starts with a bunch of guys at the office laughing]

Andrew: It’s not gonna be the same working here without you, Phil.

Phil: I’m gonna miss you guys.

Mikey: Truly sucks you’re getting fired just ’cause people can’t take jokes anymore.

Phil: I guess I should’ve just deleted my old podcast the moment I got the promotion.

Andrew: It’s just not fair. So now we can’t even use the N word to describe people anymore?

James: Guess not.

Kyle: Well, uh, we all chipped in and, uh, we got you something, Phil.

[Starts the commercial of small toy podcast set]

Female voice: Introducing the new FisherPrice Podcast Set for White Guys. Now you can shout every crazy thought in your head without ruining your life. It doesn’t record anything at all.

Phil: Wait. I probably shouldn’t podcast anymore. I promised my bitch wife that I’d–

Mikey: Phil, we’re white guys. We need to be able to say every dumb thing into a microphone and not get in trouble.

Kyle: It’s just how God made us.

Female voice: The new FisherPrice Podcast Set for White Guys comes with a mic, headphones, and a soundboard that doesn’t record [bleep].

[Cut to Phil doing his podcast]

Phil: Welcome back to “The Mind Dojo.” I’m Phil, and we got a ton of stuff to get into today.

Female voice: Plus, a battery life of three hours, minimum, so you and your inflatable cohost can rant about everything you want, like sports.

Phil: I mean, when you think about it, I’m blacker than Colin Kaepernick.

[Phil presses a button.]

Recorded voice: Ha-ha-ha. That’s so funny, man.

Female voice: Entertainment.

Phil: If there was a show called “Whiteish”, the left would lose their minds.

[Phil presses another button]

Recorded voice: Ha-ha-ha. You’re so right, totally.

Female voice: And science.

Phil: Sorry, Big Pharma. I’m not just gonna put some crap in my body without doing my own research first. Anyway, today’s podcast is sponsored by Diamond Hog Male Enhancement Gummies. Look, guys, I don’t know what’s in this stuff, but it works. If you want to get as hard as a diamond–

Heidi: What the hell are you doing?

Phil: It’s not what you think.

Heidi: You promised we wouldn’t podcast any more.

Phil: This is the new FisherPrice Podcast Set for White Guys. It doesn’t record.

Heidi: FisherPrice? So it’s a toy?

Phil: Yep, and I can say whatever I want now, and I can never get canceled. Even the Nword.

Heidi: Why do you need to do that?

Phil: Because if I don’t, they win.

Heidi: Who’s they?

Phil: All of them! We can’t let them beat us.

Heidi: Wait. Is that camera on?

[Phil is actually streaming live]

Phil: Yes.

Heidi: So you are recording this.

Phil: Just for my livestream.

Heidi: Yeah, that doesn’t make sense.

Phil: How else am I supposed to get donations, Sharon?

Female voice: New FisherPrice Podcast Set for White Guys. Get yours wherever tactical gear is sold. Ages 34 and up.

Nickelodeon Show

Nick Cannon… Chris Redd

Mark Summers… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Nick Cannon and Mark Summers in the show set]

Nick Cannon: Welcome to Behind the Slime. Look back at the history of Nickelodeon’s iconic green goo. I’m Nick Cannon, former star of all that.

Mark Summers: And I’m Mark Summers, former host of Double Dare, Super Sloppy Double Dare, and the Ill Fated Dirty, Nasty Hardcore Double Dare.

Nick Cannon: Ha-ha. America was introduced to Nickelodeon’s famous slime when the Canadian kids comedy show “You can’t do that on television.”

Mark Summers: Green Slime would rain down on anyone who said the phrase “I don’t know”. But as you’ll see, it took them a while to figure out the consistency.

Nick Cannon: Head’s up. This show was made in Canada so those kids are white as hell.

Mark Summers: Okay, let’s take a look.

[Cut to a video clip aired on March 20, 1980. Christina walks to Tracy.]

Christina: Hey, Tracy.

Tracy: Oh, hey, Christina. You get a Rubik’s Cube?

Christina: Not really. I’m colorblind.

Tracy: Wait, you’re colorblind? And your parents are divorced? No wonder you don’t have a boyfriend.

Nick Cannon: Again. This was from 1980 when TV was crazy.

Christina: You know, I’ve always wondered, who exactly is this Rubik guy?

Tracy: Huh! I don’t know. [Green slime falls on her head] Ow! Oh my god. That as like, concrete.

Christina: I can’t believe you said “I don’t know.” Oops! [a bucket falls on Christina’s head] Ouch! Geez. What was that?

[Becky Ball walks in]

Becky Ball: Hey, sorry. Little bastard kind of slipped out of my hands. Yeah, slime’s too damn thick.

Nick Cannon: Ha-ha. Fun fact, that woman with the busted his hair cut his slime’s creator, Becky Ball.

Mark Summers: Uh-huh. The early days also saw experimentation in the methods of sliming as seen in this clip from another early episode.

Nick Cannon: Ha-ha. You’re so damn funny, Suzanne Summers.

Mark Summers: Oh, it’s Mark. Mark Summers.

Nick Cannon: Ha-ha. Whatever.

[Cut to another video clip. Marcy walks to Craig]

Marcy: Hey, Craig.

Craig: Hey, Marcy. You know, this spider man comics got me thinking, you’d be a good superhero. Stuffs-her-bra Woman.

Marcy: Well, you can be my sidekick, the Incredible Homo!

Nick Cannon: 1980!

Craig: I prefer super Craig.

Marcy: Oh, and what’s super Craig superpower?

Craig: I don’t know. I guess– [green paint just bursts on Craig] Jesus Christ.

Marcy: Ha-ha. Looks like super Craig’s powers being slimed! [green paint bursts on Marcy too] Oh! why did they do it to me?

Craig: I don’t know. I mean, what’s happe– [green paint just bursts on Craig] Stop. Stop. Help me. Stop. Stop. Feels like needles in my face.

Becky Ball: Hey, I’m sorry about that little man. That issue is fixed and it won’t happen again.

[green paint just bursts again]

Craig: Please stop. We’re begging you.

Mark Summers: Huh! Well, This season second the last episode show the grammar of the slime we know today. But there were still some issues to iron out. Slime is one sticky business.

Nick Cannon: Ha-ha, hell yeah. Just like having 18 kids by 20 different women. I’m losing my head.

Abby: Hey Pat, hey Matt.

Matt: Geez, what’s wrong with you, Abby? Are you on your period or something?

Pat: Nah, she’s probably just upset because she’s adopted.

Nick Cannon: I mean, do I gotta say it?

Mark Summers:  1980.

Nick Cannon: They know, man.

Abby: I have a question. Are you dweebs ever not annoying?

Matt and Pat: I don’t know. [The slime fall on their heads]

Matt: Okay. Alright. Alright.

Pat: A little hard to breathe.

[it’s still pouring on them]

Matt: I know. I feel like you can stop.

Pat: What percent dead are we right now?

Matt: Is it okay to get it in your mouth?

Pat: Go ahead and stop probably. I think we can stop now.

Matt: I feel like you got it at this point.

Pat: Oh, god.

Matt: [yelling] Please, stop. Please!

Nick Cannon: After that episode, the slime time was shortened from six minutes to five seconds.

Mark Summers: Ha-ha. Stay tuned. After the break, we’ll be joined by one of the Petes from the Adventures of Pete and Pete spoiler, it’s Pete.

Nick Cannon: But not that one. Not the one you’re thinking about.

 

Monkey Trial

Kenan Thompson

Melissa Villaseñor

Judge Tango… John Mulaney

Cecily Strong

[Starts with Kenan and Melissa at the court]

Melissa: Thanks again for taking my case.

Kenan: How could I not? Your neighbor keeps a wild monkey as a pet in a residential neighborhood? You go over to say hi and get mauled. It’s not right.

Melissa: Do you think we’ll get a settlement?

Kenan: Absolutely. Unless we wind up with the wrong judge.

Police: Oh, yay. Oh, yay. All right, the Honorable Judge Tango presiding.

[Judge Tango walks in like a monkey]

Kenan: Yeah. That’s a tough break. We got the monkey judge.

Melissa: A monkey judge?

Kenan: Yeah, he was appointed last year by that governor who loved pranks and struggling with addiction.

Judge Tango: Please be seated. No one look me in the eye. Do not make any noises that I do not know. I do not feel cornered. So, we can begin. I have decided to allow cameras in this courtroom. However, if I see my image in the monitor, I will think it is a rival monkey. And I will completely lose it. Also let the record show that I’m fairly close to completely losing it. The court recognizes the shape in the blue with the gray. Proceed.

Kenan: Thank you, your honor. My client went to say hello to the defendant and his pet monkey Gumbo.

Judge Tango: No Gumbo.

Kenan: What?

Judge Tango: [pointing at himself] Tango.

Kenan: Yeah, I know. I’m talking about a different monkey.

Judge Tango: Yeah, no Gumbo. Tango.

Kenan: Should I keep going?

Judge Tango: Yeah, but I’m going to throw a little sand to show dominance.

Kenan: Alright, okay, so my client was at the defendant’s house when out of nowhere, his pet monkey grabbed her hat and–

Judge Tango: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Was this the same hat you normally wear? Or was it in any way different?

Melissa: Well, normally, I wear an orange bucket hat. And this time I had on a green baseball cap.

Judge Tango: Let me get this straight. You walked up to this monkey as a different shape. And you expected what? For him to just be cool with that? For you to not feel his insane breath on your face as he broke all the bones in your body with the strength of 30 men?

Kenan: Well, he is in a hanging mood today.

Melissa: Are you sure? He’s smiling?

Kenan: No, he’s baring his teeth.

Melissa: It’s hopeless, who can reason with a judge like this?

Cecily: [wearing protective gears] May the defense approach the bench in a slow deliberate way holding a birthday cake?

Judge Tango: The court recognizes the shape he normally associate with treats.

Cecily: As I approach, your honor, I’d like to notify the court that I am wearing perfume but I am not fruit.

Judge Tango: The court appreciates the clarification. I will take the cake and I will place it on my pile of shredded newspaper. And also I’ll take that shiny thing. [takes the police badge from the police] Let the record show that this shiny thing was his and now it is mine. And so it goes into the newspaper with the cake. And now I have one many things. I know visually what I have.

Cecily: You are the Alpha?

Judge Tango: Yes.

Kenan: Objection. Your Honor. It is obvious that you’re favoring the defense.

Judge Tango: That is ridiculous.

Cecily: Your Honor. I love judge.

Judge Tango: I love you.

Cecily: I love judge.

Judge Tango: You our baby. Judge love baby. Bring judge baby. Judge love you. Judge favored defense.

Melissa: Oh, come on!

Kenan: Yeah, we moved to request a new judge.

Judge Tango: Are you suggesting that I’m not competent? Tango made these pieces match. [showing kids’ stickers] Sure, it was a bit of trial and error, but I did it. I won the juice. I’m getting tired and I feel slightly cornered and this is all getting so, so dangerous. So, I’m just going to dismiss the entire–

Kenan: Wait! Wait! I’d like to call a surprise witness.

Judge Tango: Unless that surprise witness is a ratty old stuffed animal for me to violate, I assure you the court is not interested in being startled.

Kenan: Well, I got some good news for you judge. [pulls out a stuffed animal from behind]

Judge Tango: [happy and jumping] That side wins! That side wins!

Male voice: Next time on Monkey Judge, a public urinator mark the wrong territory and get the maximum penalty. His penis ripped off his body. Monkey Judge.

John Mulaney StandUp Monologue

John Mulaney

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, John Mulaney.

[John Mulaney walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

John Mulaney: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It is amazing to be here hosting Saturday Night Live for the fifth time. For many, many reasons I’m grateful to be here tonight after a very complicated year. It is wonderful to be in a place that’s always emphasized sobriety and mental health. Since I last hosted, different things have happened. In December of 2020, I went to dinner at a friend’s apartment, but it was not dinner. It was an intervention. For me. My least favorite kind of intervention. When I walked into my intervention, I knew right away that it was an intervention. Do you know how bad of a drug problem you have to have? If when you open a door and see people gathered, your first thought is, “This is probably an intervention about my drug problem. There’s no other reason people would be behind the door.” I walked in, there were six of my friends in New York in person, and six of my friends over Zoom from LA. And you may be thinking, hey, if that was me, I would have been like, if you’re so worried about me, how come you didn’t fly in? Don’t worry. I said that several times. I rang that bell as often as possible. I went away to a rehab, which was a very good experience. I’m very grateful that I went. I was there for two months from December till February 2021. I was there January 6, during the insurrection. Wouldn’t have happened on my watch. Because I would have seen to it. Was there ever an insurrection before I went to rehab? No. Has there been one since I got out? Absolutely not. They wouldn’t dare. They know baby J is back on the streets.

One thing I did in rehab one exercise is you sit down with a counselor and you delete and block all of your drug dealers phone numbers. In some cases, you reach out to a dealer to say, “Hey, never get in touch with me again. I’m sober now.” It’s called breaking up with your drug dealer. I did this one afternoon with a counselor. I sat down. I texted my main dealer Arvind first. And I shouldn’t have said his name. But that’s, that’s okay. You don’t know him. Anyway, I texted Arvind first and I said, “Hey, I’m deleting and blocking you. I’m sober now. I’m never gonna buy drugs again.” And then I’m really polite. So I didn’t know how to end the text. So I was like, “But thank you for all of the nights that became days and your inspired professionalism.” So I send the text before I can delete and block him. He texts me back. He goes, “Hey, I’m so proud of you. I’m so happy that you got sober. You know, I only bought drugs to sell to you. Because I was worried about you. And I didn’t want you to get worse stuff off the street.” I know. And I’m breaking up with this guy? So I can’t block him. Now I text him back, you know? I go, “Hey, oh my god, you sweet man.” I said, “You only bought drugs to sell to me?” He says , “Yeah.” I said, “Did you sell drugs to other people?” He said, “No.” I said, “This is a weird time to ask. But are you a drug dealer?” He said, “No. I’m a painter. We talked about this.” Ladies and gentlemen, I have no idea how I know this person. So I texted him. I go, “How did it come to be that you sell me drugs?” And he wrote back, “I don’t know. You just kept asking.” I like that story. Because there are many tales of drug dealers who have turned innocent people into drug addicts. I might be the first drug addict to turn an innocent man into a drug dealer and that is the promise of their.

Life is a lot better and happier now. I have a 12 week old son. I’m very excited. Yes. He is a pretty cool guy for someone who can’t vote. His legs are like little calzones and I want to eat him. His name is Malcolm. And let me tell you the moment when I first bonded the hardest with Malcolm. We were in the delivery room, my girlfriend had just given birth to him, and he’s crying a little. So, they bring them over to this warmer on the other side of the delivery room, and they put them on the warmer under this big bright light. And light is just shining in his eyes. It’s really bright. And he’s not crying or anything. He just looks up at the light and this is what he does. He goes he was annoyed. But he didn’t say anything. And I was like, “That’s my son. A polite man in an uncomfortable situation, but he’s not going to make a fuss.” And this was a really bright light. I thought it was bright and I’d seen lights. He’d never seen a light before in his life. To see on a baby’s face the expression, Jesus with the light, is very interesting. He’s a very good boy. His favorite pacifier just got recalled though. It’s such a bummer. He loved it. So we had like a dozen of them. We still have them in a basket on our counter. And I see this look in his eyes all the time of like, “Oh, I want to use those but I can’t because they could kill me.” Welcome to my world homie.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show. LCD Soundsystemis here. So stick around and we’ll be right back.

FiveTimers Club

Paul Rudd

Steve Martin

Candice Bergen

John Mulaney

Tina Fey

Elliott Gould

Conan O’Brian

[Starts with Paul Rudd, Steve Martin and Candice Bergen in a room wearing their five timers’ jackets]

Steve Martin: Alright. Alright, everybody. Alright, Candice and Paul, how do we think this shows going so far and don’t be afraid to be brutal?

Paul Rudd: Well, not to be a total bitch. My five timer show in December was going to be a lot better. That is until the whole cast decided to call out sick.

Candice Bergen: They all had COVID.

Steve Martin: So, what? I have COVID right now. I got it from the Queen. Humble brag.

[John Mulaney walks in]

John Mulaney: Hi, I think I’m supposed to be in here.

Steve Martin: Oh, Megan Mullaly.

Candice Bergen: Welcome to the Five timers.

John Mulaney: Thank you, Candace. Wow, this place is amazing.

Candice Bergen: Well, congratulations, John. And let me be the first person to say. Who are you?

John Mulaney: Well, Candace, you wouldn’t know me but if you have a niece or a son who’s bad at sports, they might.

Paul Rudd: Oh, come on, he’s John Mulaney. Congrats, man. Tonight, it’s all about you. And me to a degree as well because my party was cancelled due to laziness.

John Mulaney: Wow. Well, I’m just happy that you’re here in my episode. And Paul Rudd exits.

Paul Rudd: That’s it?

[John Mulaney walks out]

John Mulaney: Just reading. Sorry buddy. And Tina Fey enters.

[Tina Fey enters]

Tina Fey: I love how us writers control. Everything was staged direction. And Tina is handed a drink by a new cast member whose name is, I want to say, Philip.

[James walks in with a drink and hands it over to Tina Fey]

James: It’s James, Miss Fey.

Tina Fey: That’s what I said, Philip.

John Mulaney: What kind of drink is that?

Tina Fey: It’s the five timer fizz. It’s made with Justin Timberlake’s tequila, Dan Akroyd’s vodka and Tracy Morgan’s club soda, which is aquarium water.

John Mulaney: Gross. Dan Akroyd’s vodka? Listen. I have to say I had no idea people got treated this well. You know, when I worked here, I was just a writer.

Tina Fey: Well, you were one of the best. You wrote that character with Bill Hader and 800 other things that aged terribly.

John Mulaney: Thank you.

Steve Martin: Well, that’s all behind you. Tonight, you’re in the company of comedy legends and the sexiest man alive.

[Paul Rudd is reading a People’s magazine with his face on the cover page]

Paul Rudd: This silly thing.

Steve Martin: Paul, that was so Steve Martin0Steve MartinPaul Rudd. I’m talking about Mr. Elliott Gould.

[Elliott Gould is sitting there on a sofa]

Elliott Gould: Oh, hello

John Mulaney: Oh my god, Elliot.

Elliott Gould: Well, Paul may have People magazine, but I was named sexiest man alive by chest hair magazine.

John Mulaney: Hey Elliot, do you remember being on my sitcom?

Elliott Gould: Should I?

Candice Bergen: But John, we have some business to discuss. The club here has gotten so big that in order for you to get in, someone has to retire.

Steve Martin: Too bad. No one here is at retirement age.

John Mulaney: You are 76.

Steve Martin: But I have the child of a Candice Bergen8 year old. And we can’t get rid of Tina. She was the first woman to ever wear glasses on TV.

Tina Fey: That’s true. Entertainment Weekly called it disgusting. And it can’t be Candice, she was back here in the 70s. Can you imagine the sexual harassment that happened back then?

Candice Bergen: Oh, yeah, I mean those guys do really weird stuff.

Elliott Gould: I was fine with it.

John Mulaney: So, are you saying there’s no room for me?

Candice Bergen: Well, this was supposed to be a very small club with just the highest quality of stars. Does that make sense?

John Mulaney: Yeah. Yeah. So what you’re saying is–

Steve Martin: I think what we’re all trying to say is, this has become not special.

[Conan O’Brian walks in]

Conan O’Brian: Did somebody say not special?

John Mulaney: Conan, what are you doing here?

Conan O’Brian: I’m just here to sign up for Peacock. It’s weird. They make you do it in person. Look, John, don’t listen to them. This is very, very special. I was in the very first five timers club special, club back specs thing. While I was a writer here.

Tina Fey: Okay, well, a lot of us were writers here.

Conan O’Brian: Yeah. But you were on the show when you were writer. [yelling] So, shut up. John and I were never supposed to be on TV. We’re hideous. Right? Say it, John.

John Mulaney: I guess.

Conan O’Brian: We are. And we’re here and we’re taking what’s ours. And when it’s taken by their horns, it’s ours. The point is you start here and you can do great things. I hosted my own TV show for decades.

John Mulaney: And what are you doing now?

Conan O’Brian: I have a podcast.

Steve Martin: Well, I never thought I’d say this but Conan has a point. Being in this club is pretty damn special.

Paul Rudd: Yeah, yeah, come on. Let’s give him his jacket.

Elliott Gould: All right, Paul. Give him your jacket.

Paul Rudd: Oh, man, you know, it was fun while it lasted.

[Paul Rudd gives John Mulaney his jacket]

John Mulaney: Guys, everyone. Thank you. This really does just mean the world to me.

Conan O’Brian: Yeah. And one more thing. Live from New York–

John Mulaney: No, Conan. We did that already.

Conan O’Brian: I’m doing it anyway. Live from New York. It’s Saturday night.