Tag: Update

Weekend Update- CDC Lifts Mask Mandate

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost:  Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of CDC logo and a mask at left top corner.]

Guys, great news this week. The CDC announced the fully vaccinated people no longer have to wear a masks or socially distance. Except, if you go to most places.

[List of mask still required: Airports, hospitals, buses, schools, planes, Target, trains, Starbucks, subways, New York.]

Anyway, have fun out there. After the announcement, president Biden told Americans to take off their masks and smile. Even though ‘take it off and smile’ is the first example of every work place harassment seminar.

[Picture changes to Mitch McConnell]

Senator Mitch McConnell seen here watching a poor family getting evicted on a Christmas eve’, he reacted to the news that masks were no longer required by lowering his mask and saying “Free at last”, which is so wildly tone deaf. It’s like Matt Gaetz took of his mask and said, “I feel like a kid again.”

[Cut to Michael Che. Theres a picture of coronavirus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to recent studies, men who have had covid can experience erectile dysfunction and some have even reported decrease in the size of their penis. Now, that’s how you sell some masks. I mean, Fauci, you want people to get vaccinated, you need to run with this. Instead of “Stop the spread”, it should be “Stop the shrink”.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of CDC, Pfizer and moderna logos at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The CEC said that a number of new study shows that Pfizer and Moderna vaccines are effective against new variants of covid. CDC also said that Johnson&Johnson is trying really hard, you guys. And study also says that after restrictions lifted, 60% of Americans want to try something new this summer. “But not that”, said your girlfriend.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Liz Cheney at right top corner.]

Michael Che: House of republicans voted to remove Liz Cheney from her party leadership role after she continued to challenge Donald Trump’s lie that the election was stolen. Wow, I never thought I’d find myself feeling bad for Liz Cheney and I was right, I don’t.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of IBM logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: IBM announced that it’s created the world’s smallest and most powerful microchip. [picture changes to news article saying ‘Vaccine conspiracy theories’] Not now!

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Steve Scalise at right top corner.]

Michael Che: House Minority Whip Steve Scalise released a letter outlining the republican agenda which includes stopping Nancy Pelosi socialist agenda. Oh, please. The only way Nancy Pelosi has a socialist agenda is if socialist is the name of a restaurant in Napa Valley.

Weekend Update- Bob Baffert on Medina Spirit’s Failed Drug Test

Michael Che

Bob Baffert… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: On Monday, Medina Spirit, the horse that won this year’s Kentucky Derby tested positive for steroids. Here to comment is Medina Spirit’s trainer, Bob Baffert.

[Bob Baffert slides in]

Bob Baffert: Michael, thanks for having me.

Michael Che: Sure, Bob. So, your horse tested positive for steroids but you deny any involvement?

Bob Baffert: Of course, I deny it, Michael. Bob Baffert’s not stupid. I don’t cheat. Do I look like a shady character to you?

Michael Che: Honestly, yes, Bob. Yes, you do.

Bob Baffert: I have no idea how my horse could have tested positive. Could be anything. Maybe, he went to one of those silly Patch Adams hospitals, slipped on a banana peel, fell onto a syringe of testosterone, boom, positive test. Or, maybe he hooked up with another horse who was positive. You can contract steroids through oral, Michael.

Michael Che: That sounds very unlikely.

Bob Baffert: You don’t know horse stuff, Michael. It’s okay. You have to understand, he had a very traumatic upbringing. He fell out of his mother’s hole, then I got right on his face and said, “Run, you little bitch.”

Michael Che: That’s really intense, man.

Bob Baffert: Yes, it’s horse stuff. It’s really intense. Bottomline, I have won seven Kentucky Derbies. Seven. And I have trained tons of thoroughbreds, all clean. American Pharoah, Silver Charm, Mark McGuire, Justify, Super Jacked Kangaroo.

Michael Che: Really? And all of them are clean?

Bob Baffert: Almost as a whistle, Michael. Medina Spirit is a victim of cancel culture. They’re trying to cancel him because he’s big and strong and white.

Michael Che: I think he’s brown.

Bob Baffert: He’s Italian, Michael. Come on. I mean, sure, Medina Spirit ain’t perfect. He’s moody, temperamental and he exposed himself on a Zoom. It’s normal horse stuff, folks. Come on. The wild animals for crimes sake.

Michael Che: Well, it sounds like pretty toxic environment.

Bob Baffert: Michael, please. Calling a horse toxic can ruin its reputation. Okay?

Michael Che: Well, I guess I didn’t realize that.

Bob Baffert: Yes, you didn’t. You wouldn’t. It’s okay but don’t worry about it. I think people got to know, Medina Spirit is actually a really cool guy. Check it out. [A picture of a horse flexing it’s arms like humans appears on right top corner.] He’s got everything that a normal horse has. Throbbing muscles, backne, a perfect square Zac Efron jaw, baseball bat shaft, pea-sized ball.

Michael Che: You call that a normal horse?

Bob Baffert: Yes, Michael. And here he is on vacation.

Michael Che: Is he at a Mexican pharmacy?

Bob Baffert: Oh, now horse can’t party? Come on, Michael. And here he is hitting his 73rd home run.

Michael Che: Okay. Well, Medina Spirit actually tested clean before racing in today’s peakness.

Bob Baffert: Yes. I checked it myself and it tested fine.

Michael Che: Wow. So, how did he do?

Bob Baffert: Well, he fell apart out there. He’s nothing without his roids.

Michael Che: Alright. Bob Baffert everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Andrew Dismukes on Great-Grandmas

Colin Jost

Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: This week, a great grandmother of of three received a college degree from Samford University at the age of 78. Here to talk about his great grandmother is Andrew Dismukes.

[Andrew Dismukes slides in]

Andrew Dismukes: Hey, Colin. How are you doing?

Colin Jost: I’m good. How have you been?

Andrew Dismukes: I’ve been good. This pandemic has been crazy.

Colin Jost: Yes. I was just saying that to someone the other day. So, tell us about your great grandmother.

Andrew Dismukes: A little bit of context for anyone who hasn’t read my photoless wikipedia page, I’m from Texas. Great. Got to play the crowd. Look, I don’t ever want to seem like I’m bashing on the place that I’m from or how it’s brought up because I’m a proud Texan. I’m Texan through and through. I love Texas barbecue, I love Willie Nelson, and well into my adulthood, I thought that Frazier was British. I was telling everyone that I knew confidently that Frazier was British. And then one day someone was like, “Actually, no. He is just fancy.” It blew my mind. Anyway, I feel like Texas gets ragged on a lot just because of what it does and the laws it passes and the way it’s people are, which isn’t fair. But I’m very grateful to everyone down there who helped raise me including my great grandmother.

Colin Jost: Oh, cool. Well, I’m glad we finally arrived at the topic that you came out to discuss. That’s great, man.

Andrew Dismukes: Well, I wanted to do my Frazier joke which crushed. Good call, Andrew. Anyway, I was lucky enough to get to grow up most of my childhood while my great grandmother was still alive and getting to know her was really cool. Her name was ‘Old Maw Maw’. That’s what we called her to her face. Much to her protest. I guess we thought that ‘Maw Maw’ on its own wouldn’t properly convey how old this woman was. But every now and then, you’d have to go sit with Old Maw Maw. It wasn’t my favorite thing to do, but I do have one good memory from sitting with Old Maw Maw. She had cable. We did not have cable. So, one time Old Maw Maw and I watched the Disney channel original movie ‘Brink’. Yeah! Got some Brink-heads in the house.

Colin Jost: I cannot believe people here have seen Brink.

Andrew Dismukes: Yeah. Brink Nation is huge. You’ve seen Brink?

Colin Jost: Oh, love it. Definitely know what it is. Love it.

Andrew Dismukes: Well, for those of you who don’t know, Brink is a movie about in-line roller blading gangs who battle it out. And I watch that movie with a woman who was born in the Colin Jost800s. It made zero sense to her. She was like, “What is a Disney channel original movie?” I was like, “I don’t know! Usually it just means it’s like bad. Usually, they’re just not that great. And they’re all about how, “Ah! Middle school stuff! But also, I’m a mummy.” That’s what they’re all about.

Colin Jost: Wow. Did you really yell at your grandmother like that?

Andrew Dismukes: No. I ignored her and I think eventually she forgot I was there.

Colin Jost: Andrew Dismukes, everyone.

Weekend Update- The Bidens and Carters Take a Picture & the Most Instagrammable Bird

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden with Jimmy Carter and his wife at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: a photo taken of president Biden visiting with Jimmy Carter and his wife has gone viral for an odd angle that makes Biden look like a giant next to the former president. Even weirder, when you zoom out, they’re all being held by Giuliani. [When zoomed out, they all are inside a crystal ball that Giuliani is holding.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of South Carolina map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: South Carolina lawmakers voted to add firing squad to its execution method. And I think it’s nice that people will finally get chance to be shot after they’re found guilty.

[Picture changes to handcuffs]

Pennsylvania police arrested a couple after they raided their home and discovered $1 million worth of meth. For reference, this is what $1fif million worth of meth looks like. [Picture changes to people rioting at the Capitol]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of grass at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Police say that a woman who went missing nearly six months ago was found in a tent in a forest in Utah living off grass and moss. Authorities believe the woman either had mental health issues or read an article on “Goop”.

[Picture changes to an article on Goop that says “Why you should try the all grass and moss diet”.]

[Picture changes to Disney Land]

Disney Land Snow White ride is being criticized because prince charming kisses Snow White without he consent while she was asleep. Which still isn’t as bad as Universal Studio’s new “Cosby the Ride”.

[Picture changes to handcuffs]

A professional golfer in Florida was arrested after he tried to meet a 15 year old girl he met online who turned out to be a detective. Said the golfer, “Mulligan”? Sadly there’s more. For those of you wondering, in golf terms a 15 year old is 3 under par.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of McDonald’s logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A New Jersey woman has filed a lawsuit against McDonald’s claiming that a burger wrapper she was given was smeared with excrement. In fairness, she ordered the number two.

[Picture changes to Los Angeles city]

The population of Los Angeles has fallen for the third straight year. Well, it’s like Colin always says, “LA is just not the same without Harvey.”

[Cut to Colin Jost laughing. There’s a picture of a bird at right top corner.]

You alway say it.

Colin Jost: Thanks. It’s cool. Researchers have determined that the most Instagrammable bird is an Australian species called ‘Tawny Frogmouth’. Well, the least Instagrammable bird is once again, Larry.

Weekend Update- Rocket Crashes to Earth

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a rocket at left top corner.]

I don’t know if you guys were following the news today, but a space rocket that was spinning out of control just minutes ago crashed into the ocean. And for once, we know, it’s not Elon’s fault. [Picture changes to Elon Musk hosing SNL monologue.] A lot of people have been wondering, “Why is he hosting our show?” And now we know, it’s because he needed an Alibi.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jeff Bezos at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Jeff Bezos’s rocket company ‘Blue Origin’ is auctioning off one seat on a first flight of its passenger rocket. Wow. Why are all these rich white people trying to go to space? Look, if there’s any Martian watching this, when you see a bunch of foreign ships pull up on your land, take it from a black dude, don’t get on them. Unless you want to be the martian with the last name ‘Washington’.

[cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Prominent white nationalists posting manifestos” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A prominent white nationalist has begun posting manifestos online. I’m sorry, that was the sub-headline. The headline was “Donald Trump launched new blog”. That’s right. Disgraced fast food spokesman Donald Trump has launched a website called ‘From the desk of Donald J. Trump’. Though more accurate name would be ‘From the brain fog of long-haul covid’.

[Picture changes to republican elephant logo]

I don’t understand why the republican party is still betting their entire future on Trump. He turns 75 next month. It’s like getting your family an old dog and saying, “Hey, kids, invest all your emotions in this.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ron DeSantis at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Florida governor Ron DeSantis who played the short bully in “A Christmas Story” signed new restrictive voting laws that limits the locations of drop boxes and new requirements for voting my mail. Wow. Since when does Florida care so much about the law? Last time I was in Florida, I saw a lady lighting fireworks  with a crack pipe. Worst gender reveal ever!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Evangelicals hesitant about vaccine” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Experts say that one of the biggest obstacles to hurt immunity is that many white evangelical christians are refusing the vaccine. And look, evangelical christians, I know you guys want to get into heaven, but it’s not a race.

[Picture changes to a news article that says “CVS responsible for half of unused vaccines”]

A report also shows that CVS is responsible for half of all unused vaccine shots in the nation. CVS is also responsible for half of the nation’s room temperature white claw. I guess that we should have expected top-notch inventory management from the store that that’s still trying to unload Halloween candy in March.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kamala Harris at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Kamala Harris will become the first vice president to be featured as a wax figure at Madame Tussauds wax museum. Well, Joe Biden is the first wax figure to become the president.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Verizon, Aol and yahoo! logos at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was announced that Verison will sell Aol and yahoo!, I assume to the year 1998.

[picture changes to Andrew Cuomo]

New York governor Andrew Cuomo announced that the broadway could reopen in September 14th. Except for the new musical about Cuomo’s handling of the pandemic, “Nursinghoma!”

Weekend Update- Financial Expert Lloyd Ostertag on Cryptocurrency

Michael Che

Lloyd Ostertag… Elon Musk

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Well, it was another great week for investors with the stock market reaching record highs and crypto currency continuing to boom, here to explain crypto currency is Weekend Update financial expert, Lloyd Ostertag.

[Lloyd Ostertag slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Lloyd Ostertag: Thank you, Michael. Call me the Doge father.

Michael Che: Okay, Doge father. [cheers and applause] Hang on. I got to ask you something. For our viewers who may not know anything about this, what are crypto currencies?

Lloyd Ostertag: They’re type of digital money but instead of being controlled by central government, they’re decentralized using blockchain technology. And lately, prices have been soaring for cryptos like Bitcoin, Etherium and specially Dogecoin.

Michael Che: Oh, right. Now, what is Dogecoin?

Lloyd Ostertag: Well, it actually started as a joke based on an internet meme. But now it’s taken off in a very real way.

Michael Che: Okay. But what is Dogecoin?

Lloyd Ostertag: Well, it was created in 2013 and has a circulating supply of 117 billion coins of which 113 billion have already been mined.

Michael Che: Alright, cool. So, what is Dogecoin?

Lloyd Ostertag: Yeah, like I said, it’s a digital currency.

Michael Che: Like, for instance, [pulls out a dollar bill] this is a dollar, right? It’s real.

Lloyd Ostertag: Sort of.

Michael Che: Yeah. So, what is Dogecoin?

Lloyd Ostertag: It’s about as real as that dollar.

Michael Che: Hey, Colin, are you making any sense of this?

Colin Jost: I’ve actually been reading a lot about it. Yes. And I’m trying to diversify my investment portfolio. My question is, what is Dogecoin?

Lloyd Ostertag: I’m glad you asked.

Michael Che: Still a question.

Lloyd Ostertag: Well, it’s a future of currency. It’s an unstoppable financial vehicle that’s going to take over the world.

Michael Che: I get that. But what is it, man?

Lloyd Ostertag: I keep telling you, it’s a crypto currency you can trade for conventional money.

Michael Che: Oh! So, it’s a hustle.

Lloyd Ostertag: Yeah, it’s a hustle.

Michael Che: Why didn’t you say that, man? Doge Father, everybody.

Lloyd Ostertag: To the moon!

Weekend Update- Baby Yoda on Star Wars Day Celebrations

Michael Che

Baby Yoda… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Well, this past Tuesday was May the 4th, aka Star Wars Day. Here to share his thoughts on what Star Wars means to him is star of the Mandalorian, Baby Yoda.

[Baby Yoda slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Baby Yoda: [shouting] Whoa! This side, say what? This side, say what?

Michael Che: Whoa! That’s some great energy, Baby Yoda. Happy Star Wars Day. How did you celebrate?

Baby Yoda: Let’s see. I smoked weed and took pills because I’m not like a nerd. You know, I really love the fans. And I actually think they’re cool. [looks at Michael Che and shakes his head no]

Michael Che: Yeah, I think I got it. Thanks for being here. You’re looking pretty jacked. I mean, have you been working out?

Baby Yoda: Oh, yeah. I’ve been hitting the gym. You know, getting my sets in. Yeah. And actually, I’d like to take this opportunity to announce I’m dedicating my life to MMA style fighting.

Michael Che: Wow, really?

Baby Yoda: Yeah. I got the bug. Big trade, holler at my boys, Jake and Logan Paul. They got to be eating right, getting on that treadmill and taking a significant amount of performance-enhancing drugs.

Michael Che: Come on, man.

Baby Yoda: Ay, look what I can, Che. [punching] Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! At the end of the day, get me against the ropes, I can hit them with “I’m just a baby”, Blap! Bye-bye.

Michael Che: Wow, man. I’m really happy for you.

Baby Yoda: Yeah, man. My life is a movie right now. I’m doing the fighting. I got a great group of friends. And we all young, horny and famous.

Michael Che: Okay. So, who are you friends?

Baby Yoda: So, it’s me, Chalamet, cousin Greg, the kid from Anari, and of course, Lightening McQueen from Cars. These are all designated driver. Wink!

Michael Che: See, okay, I don’t love that.

Baby Yoda: No, you do. And if you don’t, I’ll be like, Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! Come on, Che. You can’t do nothing. I’ve got that McDonald’s money.

Michael Che: McDonald’s? We don’t know what you’re talking about.

Baby Yoda: Alright. Yes. So, McDonald’s is doing this limited edition Baby Yoda meal. Yeah, it’s a quarter pounder, small soda, two big ass eggs, and a little baggie of MDMA.

Michael Che: Oh my god. Is that supposed to be good for you?

Baby Yoda: Hhhhhhhhhhhhell yeah!

Michael Che: You need to relax.

Baby Yoda: Not really. But one last thing. June 23rd, Ceasars palace, pay-per-view, me and Baby Groot, hand to hand in a little ass ring. 0-0. Baby Groot, I look forward to seeing you. I know it’s for charity, but I do intend to end your life that night. I will kill you. And I will enjoy it.

Michael Che: Alright! Baby Yoda, everybody.

Weekend Update- A Weary Mother in Her Darkest Hour on Disney’s Reopening

Michael Che

Pauline… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: After being closed more than a year, Disney Land reopened last week and here to talk about her experience is Pauline, a weary mother in her darkest hour.

[Pauline slides in]

Pauline: Oh, Michael, Michael, Michael.

Michael Che: Hey, how are you doing, Pauline? So, you must feel good. You just got on the happiest place on earth.

Pauline: The happiest place on earth? For who? I am not happy. No, no, no. I am tired. I stood in line for two hours in Splash mountain so I could sit my haggard ass in a log flume only to have that very flume break down. Well, Mr. Splash Mountain, you don’t think I want to break down sometimes doing all I do for these kids? Well, I do. You want to know the difference between me and you, Mr. Splash Mountain? I don’t get to break down. I just keep on getting my back blown out.

Michael Che: Alright. That sounds like a very different thing. But I hear you. I understand.

Pauline: Then I stood up to see I had been sitting in an inch of foul Disney water. Spent the rest of the day looking like I pee’d my pants. Sitting in my wet pants, eating a slice of pizza as thick as a book. That park ain’t right, Michael. That park is not right.

Michael Che: Alright. What did your kids think about being back at the park?

Pauline: Why does everything have to be about kids? I used to be a little sexual thing, Michael. I did. You know, men used to buy me appetizers. Multiple appetizers. I was somebody. Now I’m dragging babies from Jungle Cruise to Sleeping Beauty’s castle. Sleeping Beauty? Why is that hussy so tired? She don’t have kids. I could be pretty too. But I sleep on my feet like a horse.

Michael Che: Yes. I’m sure your kids appreciate your sacrifice. I mean, did they have fun at least?

Pauline: I don’t know. You tell me. They spent the whole day moaning and groaning, “Mommy, I wanna meet Mickey. Mommy, I want a hug from Mickey. Mommy, why can’t Mickey be my mommy?” You wanna know what I said to those kids? You wanna know what I said?

Michael Che: Not really, but I think you’re going to tell me.

Pauline: I said [sad music playing] I have given you kids every part of me. I’ve given you my blood, my sweat, my tears. I have given you my neck, my back. And as for my pushy and my crack, oho! You ripped those away from me a long time ago.

Michael Che: Oh, wait. Hold on! Where are your kids right now?

Pauline: Oh, check you out. Now you want to be worried about our kids?

Michael Che: Our kids?

Pauline: Yeah. CJ is starting to look just like you.

Michael Che: Who is CJ?

Pauline: Che Junior.

Michael Che: Wait a minute. His name is Che Jr. Che?

Pauline: Yes. Yes, it is. And when little CJ wanted a souvenir, I showed my breasts to Goofy for some Mardi Gras Beads in the French quarter. Turns out I ain’t have to do all that. They were complimentary.

Michael Che: Aw, Pauline, everybody!

Pauline: Who’s gonna fast pass me?

 

Weekend Update- The Iceberg on the Sinking of the Titanic

Colin Jost

Iceberg… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Next year marks the anniversary of sinking of the Titanic. Here to explain his side of the story is the iceberg that sank the Titanic.

[Iceberg slides in]

Iceberg: Hi, Colin. Thanks for having me. This is always a weird time in the year for me.

Colin Jost: Well, thank you for being here. Just tell us, what was going through your head that fateful night?

Iceberg: Thank you for that question. You know what, Colin? That was a really long time ago. I’ve done a lot of reflecting to trying to move past it. It’s one very small part of me but there’s so much going on beneath the surface that you can’t see.

Colin Jost: Right. Like an iceberg. What would you say though to the families of those who perished in the cold north Atlantic waters that night?

Iceberg: Okay. No. These are not the questions we discussed. This isn’t very nice, Colin.

Colin Jost: What’s not nice?

Iceberg: Sorry, I think my publicist was very clear. I’m not here to talk about the sinking.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, what else would we be talking about?

Iceberg: I’m here to promote my album.

Colin Jost: You have an album?

Iceberg: Yes. It’s a hyper-pop, EDM, new disco fantasia. It’s called ‘Music’.

Colin Jost: Your album is called Music?

Iceberg: Yes. It’s called ‘Music’.

Colin Jost: It’s really cool. I just think that a lot of people might rather hear about the Titanic.

Iceberg: My god. Okay. Wow. Fine, you want to do this? Let’s do this. First of all, you came to where I live and you hit me. It was midnight. I was chilling. Then I hear this Irish cacophony behind me. Not to be offensive, but like, ta-na-na-na-na. I’m sorry. That’s what it sounded like. It was full of river dance. And before I turn around, half my ass is gone! It was my best feature. And I am literally injured. But all everybody cares is like, 40 or 50 people died or whatever.

Colin Jost: Well, it was 1500 people.

Iceberg: Why are you attacking me? You said you’d be my Oprah, Colin.

Colin Jost: No, I never said that.

Iceberg: Someone did. But why are people still talking about this? They bumped into me. I said, “I’m sorry”, which is insane. But whatever. And then they’re playing the violin and yelling, and the old people are like, spooning in the bed ready to die. I was looking at this and I was like, “Oh my god. They’re going to make a movie about this.”

Colin Jost: It sounds like you think you’re the victim here.

Iceberg: Well, everyone’s talking about me. No one’s talking about the water! What did the autopsy say? They iceberged? No! They drowned, bitch! That’s not me. That’s water. But nobody’s canceling the ocean.

Colin Jost: Alright. So, you aren’t taking any responsibility?

Iceberg: Obviously, I hate that 20 or 30 people died or whatever.

Colin Jost: It’s 1500.

Iceberg: But it’s like, “Hey, white star line. You built a bad boat. It didn’t work out. That’s on you, honey.” Now, can we please talk about my album?

Colin Jost: Sure.

Iceberg: Thank you. I’m really proud of it. It’s 12 tracks, no skips, swear to god. This is my new single. I think you’ll like it. It’s called ‘Lover Boy’.

[music playing]

[singing] Come on over and kiss me boy
Hold my hand in your brand new house
I know you don’t ever want to miss me boy
so let’s watch a movie tonight in your house
touch me while the room is spinning
kiss me, let’s go eat some dinner
wine me dine me, I had early lunch
I’m hungry for you, lover boy

Colin Jost: The Iceberg from Titanic, everyone.

Iceberg: It’s not my name.

Colin Jost: It’s your name. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Pineapple on the Paul Pierce Scandal

Michael Che

Pineapple…Punkie Johnson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Paul Pierce was fired from his job as an analyst or ESPN after filming a wild party on Instagram live where he was surrounded by strippers. Here with more on that story is one of the strippers, Pineapple.

[Pineapple slides in]

Pineapple: Yeah. Hey! What’s going on? Hey, boo. I would prefer my full name Pineapple Penelope Peters, please.

Michael Che: Okay, Pineapple Penelope Peters. So, tell us what happened?

Pineapple: Okay, well, Big Che Mike, that is your name, right? Big Che Mike.

Michael Che: Sure.

Pineapple: Well, I want to know why Paul Pierce got fired for throwing one of the biggest parties of the year. Is it against ESPN policy to love big asses?

Michael Che: I mean, they’re owned by Disney. So, yeah, it kind of is.

Pineapple: Listen, everybody. Paul Pierce is a saint. He gave us, strippers, jobs during a very tough time. Ain’t nobody looking out for us, exotic dances in this pandemic. I haven’t danced at the Golden Cobra in months. I even did a few Zoom, but they didn’t work. You know how hard it is to clap your ass in front the camera while somebody yell, “Ay, you muted!”

Michael Che: I’m sorry to hear that. But didn’t you have a point about Paul Pierce.

Pineapple: Oh, yes. $Michael Che0.

Michael Che: Seriously?

Pineapple: Can a fish walk? Get me my money.

Michael Che: Alright. Luckily, I keep stripper money here. [gives $Michael Che0 to Pineapple] Here you go.

Pineapple: Thank you. Okay, now. I just want to tell everybody three reasons why Paul Pierce should not have been fired. Can I have the desk?

Michael Che: Of course. Please.

Pineapple: Thank you.

[music stars playing. Pineapple puts her leg up on the desk and starts shaking her butt.]

Michael Che: Hey! Hey! What are you doing? We’re on TV.

Pineapple: But you said I could have the desk.

Michael Che: I mean just to talk to the people.

Pineapple: Oh, I’m sorry. Stripper brain. Okay. Reason number one. He got us all 4-for-4s from Wendy’s and you know I love my frosty. I put my little fries. You know. Reason number two, we didn’t have to pick up our money off the floor. He had a maid come in and sweep it up off the floor for us and put it in garbage bags. You know, classy. Reason number three, not only did he give us unlimited tequila shots, but he gave us all vaccine shots as well boo. I got the one and done.

Michael Che: Ah! You got the Johnson&Johnson?

Pineapple: No. I got that Jackson and Jackson. See, Tido and Lataya, they got their own line of vaccines going on.

Michael Che: That is not a vaccine, Pineapple.

Pineapple: [looking at Michael Che] Oh, wait a minute. Boy, you look familiar.

Michael Che: What do you mean?

Pineapple: Don’t act like you don’t know. I’ve been to your apartment before. I did that pole split on your cow-printed rug. I was the one saying, “Mooo!”

Michael Che: No. Pineapple, everybody.