Tag: Update

Weekend Update- New Dick’s Sporting Goods Store & Taylor Swift Re-Records Album

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Dick’s Sporting Goods logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Dick’s Sporting Goods is opening a new experiential store with a rock climbing wall, sports fields and indoor wellness space. Unfortunately, they’re calling it “Hands-on Dick’s”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Taylor Swift at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Taylor Swift has released an album of re-recorded versions of her album ‘Fearless’ which she first made when she was 18. Wow, that’s impressive because if I released a number of things I wrote when I was 18, I would be fired immediately.

[Picture changes to Tyler Perry]

Tyler Perry is developing a new TV series that explores the origin of his character Media, weirdly as part of his new superhero franchise, “The Averngers”.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a house at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The house where Lizzie Borden murdered her parents has been sold for $Michael Che million and will be turned into a bed and breakfast. Though, a bread and breakfast where a murder happened is pretty much just Days Inn.

[Picture changes to a bird feeder and a bird.]

The CDC is warning about a salmonella outbreak that’s linked to bird feeders. Yet another piece of bad news for people who eat out of bird feeders.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Will.I.Am at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Singer Will.I.Am announced that he is developing a new face mask that will come with an air filter, bluetooth and noise cancelling earbuds. Or, hear me out, just get the vaccine, man. I like Will.I.Am, but if you don’t make another hit soon, you gonna be Will.I.Was.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Captain Underpants at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The publishers of the Captain Underpants books have cancelled the spinoffs of the popular series saying it promoted “passive racism”, which is not what I expected a guy called ‘Captain Underpants’ to get cancelled for.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Starbucks at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Starbucks has launched a new eco friendly program called ‘borrow a cup’ in which customers return their cup after finishing their drink so the store can use it again. And Dunkin’ donuts plans to compete with this promotion by not doing that.

[The picture changes to a map of Texas and handcuffs.]

Texas police arrested a woman who broke into a man’s house, stripped naked and in one of his beds. The man called the police when he realized the woman was not attractive.

Weekend Update- Matt Gaetz Venmo Sex Scandal

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Matt Gaetz at left top corner.]

Well, our favorite Florida congressman, Matt Gaetz is back in the news but this time it’s good. I’m kidding. It’s still the sex stuff. Matt Gaetz who looks like all the dudes from American Pie combined reportedly sent $900 on Venmo to an alleged sex trafficker who then forwarded that same exact amount to three young women in payments labelled ‘tuition and school’ which if true would make him the only congressman actually helping with student loans. But at least Gaetz is taking the allegations seriously. That’s why yesterday he spoke at ‘Women for America First’ summit which was a nice change to see women pay for an hour with Matt Gaetz. My favorite moment was when Gaetz pointed out how much support he’s getting from other politicians.

[Cut to video clip of Matt Gaetz speech]

Matt Gaetz: This past week has been full of encouragement. From President Trump, Marjorie Taylor Greene and Jim Jordan–

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, no. Did he think those were good character references? Who was next on his list? The ghost of Jeffery Epstein?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Senator Mitch McConnell seen here watching a child get into a stranger’s van, denounced corporations opposing Georgia’s new voting law saying that they should “Stay out of politics”. Coincidentally, stay out of politics is also Georgia’s new rule for black people.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Former president Donald Trump also releases the statement urging his followers to boycott Coca Cola which is surprising because I would have guess Don Jr. would have problem with coke.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Biden has announced executive actions to curve gun violence including new regulations against gun kits that you can buy online an assemble at home. Remember how frustrated and angry you get assembling a dresser? Now, imagine at the end of that, you had a gun. Also, I got to say. It’s weird seeing a guy who’s basically doing a Clint Eastwood impression be pro gun control. I mean look at him. [picture changes to a poster of Gran Torino with the face of Joe Biden] You can put him into Gran Torino and no one would know the difference.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of CDC logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The CDC is facing criticism for it’s mixed messaging regarding coronavirus. You know what? I have to agree with this because all year, the CDC has been texting me saying I was eligible for the vaccine, but every time I click the link, it was just a picture of this guy. [Picture changes to a naked black man]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Gavin Newsom at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: California governor Gavin Newsom who asked his barber for the American Psycho [picture of Christian Bale from American Psycho appears], he has announced a complete reopening plan that critics were saying is just a distraction from the governor’s many scandals. It’s a move that has other governors asking, “Did it work?”

Weekend Update- Bruce Springsteen and Barack Obama on Their Podcast Renegades

Michael Che

Barack Obama… Chris Redd

Bruce Springsteen… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This week, Spotify released the final released a final episode of its podcast, ‘Renegade’, a series of conversation with former president Barack Obama and Bruce Springsteen. Here to discuss are Barack Obama and Bruce Springsteen.

[Barack Obama and Bruce Springsteen slide in]

Bruce Springsteen: Hey, Michael Che!

Michael Che: Welcome, Mr. President and and Mr. Springsteen. So, you two have a podcast together. That’s surprising.

Barack Obama: That’s right, Michael. Bruce and I thought it was important for us to come together and do a podcast about the big stuff. Race, identity, you know. Yes.

Bruce Springsteen: It goes down easy. It’s just two close friends having a conversation.

Barack Obama: Yes.

Michael Che: That’s very cool. I didn’t realize you two were friends like that.

Barack Obama: You know, we really were. You may remember, I was president.

Bruce Springsteen: Yeah, and I played a little rock n’ roll music. [singing] On a board walk, yeah!

Barack Obama: Turns up, we got a good thing going. Me and Bruce got a good thing goine.

Bruce Springsteen: Yeah. It’s electric.

Michael Che: Really, I guess I can’t totally picture the two of you ripping on a podcast.

Barack Obama: Oh, we rip. You never know what’s going to come out of my mouth. I’ll rip right now.

Bruce Springsteen: Yeah, let’s rip.

Barack Obama: I have no idea what I’m going to say. This is classing berry. Watch this.

Bruce Springsteen: Straight off the cuff. Yeah.

Barack Obama: Hey, Bruce. How you doing, man?

Bruce Springsteen: You know, not bad. I’ve been good. Yeah.

Barack Obama: I like that. That’s good.

Bruce Springsteen: Yeah. It sure is. And yourself?

Barack Obama: Can’t complain. You know.

Michael Che: That’s it?

Barack Obama: We’re just warming up.

Bruce Springsteen: Breathe, Che. You gotta little breathe.

Barack Obama: Oh, Bruce. Best soda in the world, go.

Bruce Springsteen: Sprite!

Barack Obama: Sprite? Come on, man. You can’t be serious.

Bruce Springsteen: I like Sprite. Sorry man.

Barack Obama: See, that’s crazing me. You can’t go around liking Sprite. You’re the boss. See Michael? That was totally off the cuff.

Bruce Springsteen: Not bad, huh?

Michael Che: I mean, not good.

Barack Obama: That Sprite thing was great.

Bruce Springsteen: Yeah. I think so too.

Michael Che: I don’t know, man. For such interesting people, it kind of sounds like just two guys talking.

Barack Obama: Exactly.

Bruce Springsteen: It’s a podcast.

Barack Obama: Come on, Che. You feel like the president can’t rip?

Bruce Springsteen: He can rip. He can rip.

Barack Obama: Check this out. Bruce, so, I’m walking yesterday, right? What do I see on the sidewalk?

Bruce Springsteen: Tell me man. Yeah.

Barack Obama: Bunch of strawberries. It’s piled up. Pretty unusual.

Bruce Springsteen: Whoa!

Barack Obama: I took a picture, sent it right to my daughters. No response.

Bruce Springsteen: Oh, come on. That’s crazy, man!

Barack Obama: Anyway…

Michael Che: [shocked] That was it? Bruce Springsteen and former president Barack Obama.

Bruce Springsteen: Give it up respect.

Weekend Update- Starbucks Turns 50, Naked Rock Climber

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of Starbucks logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week, Starbucks celebrated 50th anniversary. Also celebrating its 50th anniversary, [cut to turkey bacon sandwich inside Starbucks] the turkey bacon sandwich in the display case.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Johnson&Johnson vaccine at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: 15 million doses of Johnson&Johnson vaccine have been delayed following an ingredient mix up at the factory. But the good news is, now your shampoo might cure covid.

[Picture changes to Pfizer logo]

Pfizer also said that its covid vaccine is safe and effective for teens aged 12 to 15. “Well, that’s a relief”, said Matt Gaetz.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a soccer ball at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The US Men soccer team failed to qualify for the Olympics for the third time in a row. But fellas, keep your heads up and remember that win or lose, you will always get paid more than the women’s team.

[picture changes to a rock cliff]

A New Jersey woman who posts pictures of herself rock climbing while naked says that it is not pornographic but– I don’t know, that rock looks pretty hard.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There a picture of a robot inside a plane at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The airline industry is testing a virus killing robot that used ultraviolet light to disinfect planes. Not to be outdone, Spirit airlines just taped a glow stick to a roomba.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marked at April 2, a ferret and a jar of peanut butter at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Yesterday was national peanut butter day and national ferret day. And I celebrate both with a very, very dangerous trick.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of map of Taiwan and a knife at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A woman in Taiwan who thought her boyfriend was cheating cut off his penis and flushed it down the toilet. I’m sorry, “Thought he was cheating”?

Weekend Update- Smokery Farm’s Easter Meats

Colin Jost

Vaneta… Kate McKinnon

Wylene… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Tomorrow is Easter Sunday and millions of Americans will celebrate with traditional Easter meal. But it can be hard to adapt those recipes for vegetarians. Here with their tips are the owners of Smokery Farms meat delivery service, Wilene and Vaneta Starkie.

[Vaneta and Wylene slide in]

[cheers and applause]

Hi, ladies. Welcome.

Wylene: Now, Colin, we know Easter’s for people who have sworn off meat.

Vaneta: Yes. Some folks think it’s too sad to eat animals because they see heartwarming videos like, “Girl learns math from smart goat.”

Wylene: Yeah. Or, “Smart pig knits sweater for cold goose.”

Vaneta: You know, every time duck takes a nap at the foot of a toddler’s bed, we lose a customer.

Wylene: Yeah. But instead of going vegan, you should buy your meat from us. Because we only serve meat from animals that genuinely deserve to be killed.

Vaneta: That’s right. Our grade A Eater meats come from creatures who are individually certified as the meanest, nastiest, freaky-dicky, most ruthless jerks in the barn yard.

Wylene: Here. We can show you.

[they pull out a bucket of meat]

Vaneta: Oh, yes. Like that.

Wylene: Oh my god! Keeping nice and high. I love this. I love this and I want to eat this. Of course. What a gorgeous stinky bounty.

Vaneta: My mouth is watering. My eyes are watering.

Wylene: I’ll tell you what. I’m about to eat this sashimi style. And the front row [pointing at the audience] looks pretty hungry for this too. They’re horny for a bite. Now look, Some pigs are emotionally intelligent enough to cry real tears. But not this one. This spiral ham comes from a little creep who bites fingers and shoves kids hard and far. So, feel no guilt when you slice this ass and feed them to your grandma.

Vaneta: Now, nothing more innocent than a sweet and tender lamb, right? Wrong. This lamb went to a plantation wedding a week ago and then she posted a bunch of photos and was like, “What? It’s just history.” So, go ahead and smear it’s ignorant legs with mint jelly.

Wylene: Now, female hams are naturally very sweet. Well, these eggs came from a ham who contributed to a toxic work environment.

Vaneta: She’s always hanging out with the roosters talking about how hens are crazy.

Wylene: Umm-umm. Okay, now. Maybe you’re thinking about the blood of Christ. Well, how about the blood of Chris, okay? An extremely rude steer. I mean, maybe you drink this or something. It’s an extremely rude steer who takes videos of fat, poorly dressed old people and send them to the group chat like, “Ha-ha.”

Vaneta: Now, this can sound fake but I swear to god, this here veal yanks on the subway.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry but I’m having a hard time believing these stories.

Wylene: You’re ham-free, Colin?

Colin Jost: I don’t know about that.

Wylene: You wanna put your hands on it?

Vaneta: You wanna touch that raw meat?

[Vaneta pushes the bucket towards Colin]

[Wylene holds Colin’s hand and puts his hand on the meat]

Wylene: Go ahead. Let me help you. Put your hand on that sweet ham.

Vaneta: He did it.

Wylene: The basket’s wet too, baby.

Vaneta: Really wet under here.

Wylene: He’s a little nervous because his boss was watching, but he did it.

Colin Jost: Vaneta and Wylene, everyone.

Vaneta and Wylene: Happy Easter.

Weekend Update- Matt Gaetz Under Investigation

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Matt Gaetz at left top corner.]

Representative Matt Gaetz who looks like a caricature artist drawing of me is reportedly under investigation for an alleged sexual relationship with an underaged girl, because Gaetz believes only voters should have to show ID. it’s also being reported that Gaetz may have paid for sex the women he met online. That story has since been confirmed by his whole vibe. Gaetz then defended himself releasing this very normal statement. See if any of this sounds suspicious to you. “Matt Gaetz has never paid for sex.” “Matt Gaetz has never, ever been on any such websites whatsoever.” “Matt Gaetz cherishes the relationships in his past and looks forward to marrying the love of his life.” Here’s my response statement. “Colin Jost does not believe you.” “Colin Jost thinks you’ve been to all the websites.” “And Colin Jost thinks you should holf off on sending out those wedding invites.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Biden unveiled his $2 trillion infrastructure plan which some democrats are calling the ‘New new deal’. But I thought we weren’t allowed to make fun of the stutter. Biden plans to pay for his infrastructure plan by raising taxes on corporations and and wealthy which sounds like a great idea but it leads to one big question. How do I hide my money?

[Cut to Colin Jost. there’s a picture o Matt Gaetz at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And if I could get back to Matt Gaetz for a minute, here’s the craziest part of this story to me. Sitting congressman is being accused of child trafficking and the QAnon people are suddenly like, “Na, I need more evidence.” That was your whole thing! I mean, come on! Think about it. Matt Gaetz’s girlfriend, she was allegedly 17. 17th letter is Q. It all adds up. What are you waiting for? The storm is finally here and QAnon is like, “You can’t believe everything you read on the internet.”

[Picture changes to map of Georgia an Delta airlines logo at left top corner.]

Delta airlines which is based in Atlanta publicly criticized Georgia’s new restrictive voting laws and you know you messed up when Delta is like, “Hey, you gotta treat people with respect.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: So woke. President Biden has reportedly determining if he has the authority to cancel student debt through an executive order. Come on, man! Just do it. I think the country can afford one reckless action after four years of president Kool-Aid-man. [picture changes to Donald Trump]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Melania Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Speaking of Donald Trump, Melania Trump has launched a website dedicated to “Preserving the magnificent legacy of Trump administration”. And it will honor the most lasting part of Trump’s legacy by giving your computer an uncontrollable virus.

Weekend Update- Jeff and Hattie Deeley on Their Marriage

Michael Che

Hattie… Heidi Gardner

Jeff… Mikey Day

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: May-December relationships are nothing unusual now-a-days. But a 26 year old groom is facing accusations of being a gold digger after marrying his 106 year old multi billionaire bride. Here to respond are newly-weds Jeff and Hattie Deley.

[Hattie and Jeff slide in]

Jeff: I put a ring on it. Thanks, Michael. I just want to say to all the haters out there, I’m not pretending. I could care less about my wife’s money. I married my wife because I’m in love with her.

Hattie: Candy? [passes candy to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Oh. Is this a cough-trap?

Hattie: It’s candy.

Jeff: Yeah. She likes to give those out. I don’t know if I’d eat it. It’s a little weird.

Hattie: That’s candy.

Michael Che: Thank you.

Jeff: And by the way, I just want to say, I didn’t even know she was rich to like, a couple of months after we started dating.

Michael Che: Dude, her maiden name is Exxonmobil. Hattie Exxonmobil.

Jeff: I don’t know.

Hattie: That’s me!

Jeff: Yeah, that is you, baby. God, she’s so sexy. All I know is it was love at first sight. She walked by and I swear on my life, like, except for the Walker, I thought it was Margot Robbie. I was like, what?

Hattie: We are on television.

Jeff: Yeah, we are, baby. We are on television. Yeah.

Michael Che: So, I hear you won’t sign a prenup?

Jeff: Yeah. I mean, her family wants me to but I know we’ll never divorce. So, what’s the point? You know what I mean?

Hattie: Can I have a custard before bed?

Jeff: Yeah, it’s awesome, baby.

Hattie: It’s little snack called custard.

Jeff: Yeah. Alright. Yes, babe.

Hattie: You owe me custard before bed.

Michael Che: I understand, ma’am. Just… What do you love the most about your wife?

Jeff: Um, she makes me laugh, Michael.

Hattie: Light’s so bright in here.

Jeff: Yeah. Baby, what kind of stuff do we laugh about?

Hattie: The hey?

Jeff: She says ‘the hey’. It means like, what? I think it’s an old person thing. It’s super adorable though, and I love it. Ha-ha-ha. [loud voice] What do we laugh about, baby?

Hattie: Oh. He-he. The hey.

Jeff: We have the same sense of humor. It’s awesome. [yelling] Babe, what do we laugh about?

Hattie: Excited for my custard.

Jeff: Yes, custard.

Hattie: Eat a custard.

Jeff: Yeah, he knows about the custard. No, we’re just excited to start our lives and start a family.

Michael Che: A family? Dude, I think ship has sailed, man.

Jeff: No. Technology is redonk now. Like, you just have to have my sperm fertilize another woman’s egg, and that woman carries and then has the baby.

Michael Che: So, you’re just going to get another woman pregnant?

Jeff: Look, kids are down the road. We got to practice making them first.

Michael Che: Dude, for real? What is having sex with your wife like? Killer?

Jeff: You’d think so, but no.

Hattie: I like it a lot.

Michael Che: Aw.

Jeff: She does.

Hattie: I like it a lot.

Jeff: They know, babe.

Hattie: [pointing at Jeff] I have sex with him.

Michael Che: Okay, if this is legit, I hope you two have many, many more years together.

Jeff: Oh, don’t say that, man.

Michael Che: That’s right.

Hattie: [pointing at Jeff’s penis] Excited for my custard.

Jeff: They know. We’re gonna have it.

Michael Che: The Deleys, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Guy Who Just Bought a Boat on Dating After Covid

Colin Jost

The guy… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: With the rate of vaccinations picking up, singles are navigating the post covid dating scene for the first time. Here with his advice is the guy who just bought a boat.

[The guy slides in]

The guy: Sack meat’s back, alright! Hey there, Jost-er coaster. Long time, no whee!

Colin Jost: No man, it’s really bad.

The guy: Hey, loosen up, Jost-infection. We could use a little humor right now. That was a rough two weeks in Quar.

Colin Jost: Two weeks? I thought it was a full year.

The guy: Yeah, maybe for the plebes. I was living it up in caymans with my main man, army ham. He answers my calls now, hey-ho!

Colin Jost: yeah, I bet he does. What’s your advice for dating now that things are reopening?

The guy: Right. Okay, so in person dating is back. Good bye FaceTime. Hello, ‘sit on my face’ time. It’s time to start the spread. But before you get on on the scene, you want to get them vaxed on their backs. So, take her down to the Javits center for a little ‘jab and enter’ with your Johnson&Johnson. I have an awful penis. And remember, these are dry times. So, she’s so desperate to catch some moby-dick, she’ll practically throw her harpoon, [pointing at himself] worse lay guaranteed. Then you are ‘bing’, free to move about the country. So, put on your best vinny vines and blade your babe out to the east end of long Izzy because remember, the hampies drop the panties. Rocking and showed. Hit up an outdoor BBQ which of course stands for “Babe, be quiet. Me pee-nee [pointing at his penis] no worka!” Oh? Now, if your gal’s an anti-vaxxer, first off, hot. And secondè, no proba, just check in before you’re sexing to see if she is testing because she could bee ass-symptomatic. Remember to swab those nostril, Jost-rol, because I treat covid test like I play foreplay – Colin Jost5 seconds on each side.

Colin Jost: Each side? What?

The guy: And pretty soon, she’ll be getting social with your D and purring those magical words, “I waited a year for that?”

Colin Jost: Wow, man. What if covid cases rise again?

The guy: Hakuna-ma-tata, compadre. No worries. Just have a date in Fresco with the old apartmento. Order some Uber eats, pour some vino grigio and play a little PS5. You know, let crash banda-ku, smash hand and koot. I’m done before Enrique.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. You said what?

The guy: I said I own a boat, Colin.

Colin Jost: Guy who bought a boat, everyone.

The guy: Flappy Kiester!

Weekend Update- Sidney Powell on Being Sued by Dominion

Michael Che

Sidney Powell… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This week, Donald Trump’s former lawyer Sidney Powell tried to dismiss a lawsuit against her by dominion voting systems saying no reasonable person would believe her. Here to explain herself is Sidney Powell.

[Sidney Powell slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Sidney Powell: Oh. Hey, Michael. Do you like my little bolo tie? It’s from the western wear section of Talbot’s.

Michael Che: It’s lovely. So, it seems like you’re in a lot of trouble. I mean, back in November, you went on TV many times and you said you had absolute proof that Dominion voting machines were rigged to steal the election from Donald Trump.

Sidney Powell: Fake news.

Michael Che: I’m just repeating what you said.

Sidney Powell: No. I meant me. I am fake news. According to my lawyers, nothing I say should be taken seriously. isn’t that just confusing? I’m kind of a mystery. You hear the name Sidney Powell and you think I might be an esteemed older black gentlemen like Colin Powell or Sidney Poitier. And yet, here I am, a white lady dressed like Fred Flinstone’s mother in law.

Michael Che: And now you’re getting sued?

Sidney Powell: Oh, cheese and rice, Michael. I’m gonna beat this lawsuit, okay? I come from tough stock. My Meemaw was a proud southern woman from North Carolina. And my Peepaw was a wild turkey. Okay? I’m gonna release the kraken.

Michael Che: What is that?

Sidney Powell: The kraken is an ancient sea monster but in this case, the kraken is a 65 year old woman who keeps a sack of Southern Living magazines in the back of her toilet.

Michael Che: So you’re not worried about the lawsuit?

Sidney Powell: Not a bit. Okay, actually, I am honored to be in the same company of other folks sued by Dominion. Patriots like former crackhead, turned king of pillows, Michael Lindell. And former king of New York turned crackhead Rudolph Giuliani.

Michael Che: You serious?

Sidney Powell: Michael, does this face look like I’m lying?

Michael Che: You look like the joker. And what you’re saying is probably liable.

Sidney Powell: Well, you know what they say. You can’t call it liable if it’s all jible-jable. And you can’t it slander if it sounds hoo-loo-loo-loo.

Michael Che: Nobody says that.

Sidney Powell: Michael, let me ask you a question. Did you build an ark? Cause the great flood’s coming, okay? And you are just up to your neck and water going, “Oh, where’s all my animals?” And there I’m on a big old boat holding your dog and I’m like, “Later, skater.”

Michael Che: What are you talking about?

Sidney Powell: I’m talking about the kraken, son. Okay? She’s gonna ride you hard and put you away wet coz when this kraken comes out, you’re gonna be walking with a limp, okay? All that’s gonna be left of you is Air Jordans just smoking and Colin Jost’s gonna be like, “Where’s my friend Michael Che? Where’s my friend Michael Che?” Cut to me just holding the flame thrower. Hoo-loo-loo-loo.

Michael Che: I have no idea what you’re saying.

Sidney Powell: Okay. So, what you’re saying is I’m crazy and no reasonable person would believe me? Ha! Case closed. Defense rest. Sir, you walked right into that one. But you did.

Michael Che: Sidney Powell, everybody.

Weekend Update- National Puppy Day and Black Muppets

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set. There’s a picture of calendar marked on March 23 and a puppy at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Tuesday was national puppy day. Unfortunately, at Subway. [picture changes to a Subway sandwich. There’s a dog’s tail hanging out of the sandwich.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Wallet returned to woman after 70 years.]

Michael Che: A school at Virginia is returning a wallet to a woman 70 years after she lost it in the school gym. “Well, how do you like that?”, said a black man still in jail for stealing it.

[picture changes to a realdoll]

The makers of realdoll are saying that within 10 years they will be able to make walking, talking sex dolls with real emotions. Just what I wanted. A sex doll that walks into the room and says, “So, what are we?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Sesame Street logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Sesame Street has introduced two new black muppets to help explain racial difference to children. Which begs the question, “Are these muppets white?” [picture changes to the old muppets. They’re all colorful.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jeffrey Epstein at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Hmm. A Goldman Sachs executive has bought Jeffery Epstein’s former upper east side mansion for more than $50 million. Man, if those walls could talk, I bet they’d commit suicide they got the chance to talk.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a new yellow Pepsi at left top corner.]

Colin Jost:  Pepsi announced a new Peeps flavored soda for Easter. It’s perfect for Easter because it will make your digestive system say, “Jesus Christ!”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of candles at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Miller Lite is now selling bar scented candles including one called “Dog Bar”. For preview of the smell, miss the toilet for a week.