Author: Ajay Kumar

Ghost of Biden Past Cold Open

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

Jin Psaki… Chloe Fineman

Past Joe Biden… Jason Sudeikis

Recent Joe Biden… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Joe Biden in his office]

Joe Biden: Send in my Press Secretary Jin  Psaki.

[Jin Psaki walks in]

Jin Psaki: You wanted to see me, sir?

Joe Biden: Jin, I gotta tell you, you were dynamite in those press briefings with your quips and your one liners. What do you call those little zingers?

Jin Psaki: Um, facts. Though I believe the internet calls them Psaki Bombs.

Joe Biden: Yeah. Love that. Lay some of those facts on me.

Jin Psaki: Okay. Your CNN Tom Hall was watched by no one. And your approval rating is in the dumpster.

Joe Biden: Oh. Ice cold Psaki bomb. But ay, things are gonna turn around, right?

Jin Psaki: I’m bad at lying, so I’m gonna leave.

[Jin Psaki walks out]

Joe Biden: I don’t understand. People used to like me. The press would call me uncle Joe. I miss the old me. Where the hell did that guy go?

[Past Joe Biden walks in]

Past Joe Biden: Hey, yo! [cheers and applause] Yeah! Trick or treat, smell my feet. Nah, I’m just joking. How the hell are you, buddy?

Joe Biden: Wait a second. Who are you?

Past Joe Biden: Who am I? What do you mean? I’m you! I’m you from eight years ago, man. The ghost. The Biden past. Boo!

Joe Biden: How can you be me? You seem so happy. So carefree. So– What’s the word I’m looking for?

Past Joe Biden: Lucid?

Joe Biden: Yeah.

Past Joe Biden: Yeah, partner. Well, where I’m from, we’re still VP. Easiest gig in the world. We’re like, America’s wacky neighbor. Just pop in with an ice cream cone, some aviator shades and finger guns. Shake a few hands, rub a few shoulders.

Joe Biden: You know, well, you can’t do that anymore.

Past Joe Biden: What? Which one? Rubbing shoulders or shaking hands?

Joe Biden: Apparently both.

Past Joe Biden: Ah! Come on, man! Loosen up, buddy. Come on. [massaging Joe Biden’s shoulders] What happened to us, huh? We used to be fun, right? Hey, let me get it with. [smells Joe Biden’s ears and grunts] Yeah, that’s good. Yeah, I like that. Do you like that?

Joe Biden: Yeah, I do.

Past Joe Biden: Hey! I hope this doesn’t sound sexist, but you gotta smile more sweetie. Okay?

Joe Biden: It’s hard to smile. The last president ruined everything.

Past Joe Biden: Oh yeah?

Joe Biden: He hung out with pornstars, served McDonald’s to the White House, got into fight with the pope.

Past Joe Biden: Wow! Hillary got awesome.

Joe Biden: Actually–

Past Joe Biden: What?

Joe Biden: Well, never mind.

Past Joe Biden: Okay. Alright.

Joe Biden: Look. I could really use your advice. I’m trying to pass this infrastructure bill but it’s being held up by these two senators. Joe Mansion.

Past Joe Biden: Ah, screw Joe Mansion. The only mansion I care about is the Playboy mansion. Yeah! Whoo! That’s classic 2k13 Biden right there, baby.

Joe Biden: Even worse than him, senator Kyrsten Sinema.

Past Joe Biden: Wait. Senator Sinema? That sounds like a StarWars character. That’s a real person?

[Recent Joe Biden walks in]

Recent Joe Biden: Hey! [cheers and applause] How’s days, fellas? Just checking in.

Past Joe Biden: Who the hell are you?

Recent Joe Biden: I’m Joe Biden.

Past Joe Biden: From when?

Recent Joe Biden: March 2021. You guys good? Need anything?

Joe Biden: Um, we’re okay.

Past Joe Biden: Yeah, we’re good, man.

Recent Joe Biden: Alright. Rock on.

Past Joe Biden: Yeah. Alright.

[Recent Joe Biden walks out]

Joe Biden: Good looking guy.

Past Joe Biden: Yeah. Oh, no, handsome as hell. Yeah. You know, I should probably just mosey on back to 2013. I actually got tickets to a PSY concert. Oppa Gangnam Style! That song’s still popular, right?

Joe Biden: Come on, don’t leave.

Past Joe Biden: What?

Joe Biden: I can’t do this without you.

Past Joe Biden: Yeah, of course you can. Because guess what, buddy. You are me. And I want you to stand tall. I want you to flash those 100% natural choppers we got. And remember, we my be from different eras. But at the end of the day, we’re both…

Joe Biden and Past Joe Biden: Joe freaking Biden! And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Declaration Pitch

Mr. Jefferson… Jason Sudeikis

Mikey Day

Alex Moffat

James Austin Johnson

Andrew Dismukes

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a group of men writing declaration pitch]

Mr. Jefferson: We hold this truths to be self evident that all men are created equal and endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights. How does that sound?

All: Yeah.

Mr. Jefferson: Fantastic. I must say, this declaration of independence is coming along quite nice. Any ideas for what our declaration should say next?

Mikey: Perhaps we should detail these unalienable rights.

Mr. Jefferson: Yes, very good.

Alex: Absolutely. And I think we should also guarantee one’s right to life and liberty.

Mr. Jefferson: I like that.

James: Yes. As well as one’s right to pursuit of happiness.

Alex: Yes.

Andrew: Oh, that’s great. And hey, what if we put like, a sick ass treasure map on this thing? Right? Right?

Mr. Jefferson: What?

Andrew: No. I’m just thinking like, how sick would it be? If we put like, a tight ass treasure map on this bitch, right?

Kyle: We’re kind of defining our nation’s values right now.

Mr. Jefferson: Yeah.

Andrew: Yeah, I know. And that’s great for the front. But what if on the back is just like, a boss ass treasure map? Right?

Mr. Jefferson: Yeah. No, no. But I think this meeting here is more about establishing the country.

Andrew: Alright. Yes. No. Okay.

Mr. Jefferson: So, you know, the treasure map, it probably doesn’t make sense.

Andrew: Yeah. I’m okay.

Mr. Jefferson: Okay. But I really like the idea.

Andrew: No you don’t.

Mr. Jefferson: Yes, I do.

Kyle: Can we please get back to work?

Mr. Jefferson: Yes. Okay. Now, it’s important that this declaration  also addresses our grievances towards the king.

Alex: He’s a tyrant.

Kyle: Down with the king.

Andrew: It wouldn’t be for babies.

Mr. Jefferson: What do you say? What is that?

Andrew: The treasure map. In case that’s what you don’t like about it. It wouldn’t be a treasure hunt for babies. It would be for grown ups.

Alex: No one was thinking that.

Mr. Jefferson: No, no. I was. Wait, wait. So, what you’re saying is it’s not for babies? Well, that’s interesting. So, we could hide clues around town?

Andrew: Oh my god, that’s incredible.

Mr. Jefferson: Yeah? Alright.

Kyle: Mr. Jefferson, don’t encourage him.

Mikey: Well, as long as we’re pitching on it, maybe people do teams.

Mr. Jefferson: What did you just say?

Mikey: Well, just like if it’s for grown ups then maybe they need to do it in teams.

Mr. Jefferson: I love that.

James: What if, like, every team has a strong guy and a smart guy?

Andrew: Oh my god!

Mr. Jefferson: Yes.

Alex: Yes, and what about an art guy?

Mr. Jefferson: Yeah. And obviously the other teams would need a gadget guy.

Andrew: Absolutely. Gadget guy.

Mikey: Always in the van.

James: Always in the van. That’s where the tech’s at.

Andrew: Yes.

Kyle: Gentlemen, please, this declaration does not need a sick ass treasure map because it already is a map. A map that leads to the greatest treasure of all, democracy.

Alex: Boo!

Mikey: No.

[Two people from future arrive]

Mr. Jefferson: Oh-oh!

Alex: Who are you?

Aidy: Well, we com from the future where the declaration has nothing on the back and people are pissed.

Aristotle: With no clues to solve, the people have resorted to violence.

Aidy: Do the right thing. You’ve been warned.

[They disappear]

All: Let’s do it! Yeah!

Casino Proposal

Husband… Jason Sudeikis

Wife… Heidi Gardner

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Husband and Wife sitting at the bar]

Husband: Hey, bartender, I’ll take another one. Double this time, please.

Wife: Honey, sitting here getting wasted is not going to change anything.

Husband: Well, I don’t know what else to do, Joe. We just lost everything.

Wife: Okay, but why would you go all in on pair of fours.

Husband: It’s called bluffing, babe. Are you trying to make me feel worse?

Wife: No, no. Baby. I’m just trying to understand.

Husband: Well, all you need to understand is that our savings are back to zero. Okay? So, we can forget about ever buying a new house. [Kenan walks slowly behind them] Your dad was right. I’m not a man. I’m just a little fat girl.

Wife: No, don’t say that.

Husband: No, no, no. That’s what he said.

Kenan: Rough night?

Husband: What?

Kenan: Your night. It’s rough, right?

Husband: Yeah. I’m really not in the mood to talk buddy, Thanks.

Kenan: Is that your wife?

Husband: Yeah, it’s my wife.

Kenan: She’s beautiful.

Husband: Buddy, I asked you to nicely leave us alone, okay?

Kenan: Look. I don’t want any trouble. But I’m a very, very wealthy man. And I think your wife is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid eyes on.

Husband: What did you say to me?

Wife: Let’s just go back to the room.

Husband: No, no. Hang on. What do you want, man?

Kenan: One night with your wife for $2,000.

Wife: My god!

Husband: Alright, you know what? I’m about to fist fight you, dude.

Kenan: Well, how about $5 million?

[Husband and Wife look at each other]

Husband: $5 million?

Kenan: Like I said, I’m a very, very wealthy man.

Wife: [whispering] That’s a lot of money just to sleep with me.

Husband: Yeah. Plus I can probably double it playing back.

Wife: No, baby, no more gambling.

Husband: You’re right. You’re right.

Wife: It’s already more than enough money.

Husband: I know. Okay. I mean you’d have to sleep with the guy.

Wife: So?

Husband: We’re doing this?

Wife: I mean, it’s $5 million.

Kenan: How aout $10,000

Wife: $10,000?

Husband: Yeah, what happened to the 5 million?

Kenan: Oh, so we’re negotiating? Fine. Let’s meet in the middle. $20,000

Husband: How is that the middle?

Wife: Yeah, look, I’m not sleeping with you for any amount of money. So, just get away from us.

Kenan: Not even for $6 million?

Wife: Are you actually offering us $6 million?

Kenan: Even better. I’m offering you $50,000.

Husband: No, no. How is that better?

Kenan: It’s easier to carry.

Husband: Dude! I’m giving you 10 seconds.

Kenan: Deal. Sold. I only need eight.

Husband: No. I meant to get away from us.

Kenan: Fine. Fine. One last offer. One full night with your wife for Kenan million doll-hairs.

Wife: Are you saying doll hairs or dollars?

Kenan: Oh, beauty and smart. I like that. I’m going to enjoy sleeping with you more now.

Husband: No. No. This guy is crazy. Hey, bartender, can we get the check please?

Kenan: Okay, look, look. I’m a very, very wealthy man. I’ll give you $600,000 for one night with your wife. For real. Last offer. No joke.

Husband: No.

Wife: Baby, think about this. That’s still a lot of money.

Husband: I mean, we could get the house and I could actually go to college.

Wife: Yeah. And it’s only for one night.

Husband: I love you.

Wife: I love you too.

Kenan: Okay. 55,000 cash.

Wife: Why do you keep changing it?

Husband: You know what? Let me see the money.

Kenan: The money?

Husband: Yeah. 55,000 in cash. I would like to see it with my eyes.

Kenan: Well, it’s in this briefcase. [he isn’t holding anything]

Wife: What briefcase?

Husband: You’re not holding anything.

Kenan: Y’all got Vinmo?

Husband: Okay, this guy’s nuts.

Kenan: Fine. Hang on. What if she has sex with me?

Wife: That’s already what you been asking.

Husband: Bartender, check please.

Kenan: Fine, I will pay the check but you have to watch me have sex with your wife.

Husband: No.

Kenan: Okay, fine. No sex, but you pay for my check too.

Husband: No.

Kenan: Okay, fine. I’ll bet you $100 that I can sleep with your wife.

Husband: Deal.

Wife: No. No. No more gambling.

Husband: You’re right. No.

Kenan: Okay fine. Husband zillion dollars.

Annie

Annie… Melissa Villaseñor

Golly… Cecily Strong

Ricky… Jason Sudeikis

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: We now return to the feel good orphan musical, Annie.

[Annie arrives at her new home]

Annie: Wow, wee. I can’t believe this is Mr. Warbuck’s house. It’s so much bigger than the orphanage.

Golly: Well, Mr. Warbucks is the richest man in America. But it’s not just his house anymore, Annie. Now, it’s your house too. And I may be getting ahead of myself but…

[singing] I think you’re gonna like it here

[house cleaners and helpers walk in dancing]

Annie: Golly, who are all these people?

Golly: Staff of course. They’re here to meet your every need.

Ms. May will clean up all your toys.

Ms. May: Make as big of a mess as you want.

Golly: Ms. Fink will make your bed each day.

Ms. Fink: It will be my pleasure.

Golly: Chef Pat is here to cook your meals.

Chef Pat: I’m thinking Lobster Thermidor.

Golly: And we don’t know what Ricky does.

Ricky: Ay, look. I can’t talk about it. Alright? Go someone else.

Golly: Ms. Fin will teach you how to read.

Ms. Fin: You’ll be excellent student.

Golly: Ms. Cob will teach you how to write.

Ms. Cob: You’ll be in shape in no time.

Ricky: And I’m not a creep or anything like that
Hey, welcome to the mansion. Have a tootsie roll.

Annie: I think I’m gonna like it here. Thanks, mister.

Golly: No, no, no. Don’t eat that. What are you doing?

Ricky: I don’t know. I got worried that the kid would think I’m a creep or somthing.

Golly: So you gave her candy from your pocket?

Ricky: Yeah. Look, kid, there’s a simple reason I can’t sing about what I do for Mr. Warbucks. Okay? And the reason is it’s illegal.

Annie: What’s illegal?

Ricky: Has he got money? Not much. You know. Anyway, I’ll get out of her.

Golly: Yeah, please do.

Ms. May will teach you how to swim

Annie: Ms. May?

Ms. May: I clean and swim.

Golly: Ms. Fink will comb your hair each night.

Annie: You will?

Ms. Fink: Yeah, whatever. But you know, since it came up, I would like some answers about what you do here, Ricky.

Ricky: Ah, sweetheart, let’s let sleeping dogs lie, yes?

Ms. Fink: No, no, no. We’ve been intimate with each other. For three, four last time. So talk.

Ricky: I mean, no. Come on. Let’s keep the focus on Amy.

Golly: No. Her name is Annie.

Ricky: Nobody cares, okay? Look, guys, it’s no big deal, okay? Mr. Warbucks and some of his rich friends have a little club, right? Okay? And I provide a service for that club, and in return he pays me 20,000 Gs a week.

Golly: What?

Ms. May: Good god. What the hell kind of club is this, Ricky?

Ricky: It’s nothing. Anyway, [singing] I think you’re gonna love this house.

Let the kid sing. Go on, Amy. Sing.

Annie: Used to room in a tomb, where I’d sit and freeze
look me now, holy cow–

Golly: [interrupting] Sorry, Annie, to break in. I think we’re all uncomfortable. We’d like to know more about this club and what you do for them.

Ricky: Christ! Okay, here’s how it is. Mr. Warbucks and his pals get together every month and have a ceremony where they eat a very rare, very expensive type of meat. I provide that meat.

Annie: Oh god. Are they eating–

Ricky: No, no, no. It’s not what you think, okay? It’s people. They’re already gone, okay? When I get them. Alright? And their families are paid very handsomely for their troubles.

Chef Pat: That’s what I’ve been cooking? I thought that was pork.

Annie: Pork? Yummy! I’d sure like to try that.

Golly: No, no, no.

Ricky: Amy, that’s not for you. Okay. Finish up the song. It’s a great song. I love it.

Golly: Okay. Thank you. Okay. We will.

Golly: We’ve never had a little girl.

Ricky: And neither has Warbucks and his pals, okay? He’s never eaten a kid, okay? All he’s eaten is adult meat. It’s part of a ritual.

All: We have but one request

Ricky: Don’t look in the freezer

All: I think you’re gonna like it her

[Mr. Warbucks walks in]

Mr. Warbucks: My home is your home, Annie. Are we all set for the feast, Ricky?

Ricky: Oh, yeah.

Mr. Warbucks: And what will we be eating?

Ricky: Your choice, sir. Italian or Greek?

Mr. Warbucks: Let’s have both. Right this way, gentlemen.

[Four adults wearing masks walk in]

Weekend Update- Hypnotist Linus Minus on Hypnosis

Colin Jost

Linus Minus… Mikey Day

Roy… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A new stage show from world renowned hypnotist Linus Minus is quickly becoming the talk of Broadway’s reopening. Here with more is Linus Minus and his volunteer, Roy.

[Linus Minus and Roy slide in]

Linus Minus: Hello. Yes. I found a volunteer to be hypnotized on your show. He’s a member of your security staff here at Saturday Night Live.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Hey, Roy, how are you feeling? Nervous?

Roy: Oh, no, man. This little silly magic is not going to work on me, Jack!

Linus Minus: Okay. Well, humor me, Roy, and imagine yourself on a cloud. And as I count down from five, Roy, you sleep further into that cloud. Five, four, you’re falling Roy, three, two, falling deeper Roy, one, and sleep. [snaps his finger]

[Roy sleeps]

Alright. Now, Roy is in state of suggestive hypnosis. Meaning– [Roy drops his hands down] Okay. Oh, dear.

Colin Jost: Is everything okay?

Linus Minus: I think he was a little too relaxed. And he tinkled just a little bit. I apologize but we’ll have to cut this short. Roy, when you hear wake, you will return to the state of active consciousness. And wake. [snaps his finger]

Roy: Oh, woo! Where my pants went? You made me piss myself on live TV? [goes for Linus Minus’s throat] You son of a–

Linus Minus: [snaps his finger] Sleep. [Roy sleeps]

Colin Jost: Why did you put him back to sleep again?

Linus Minus: Well, he grabbed me, as you saw. And I felt a bit scared for my life. So, Roy, when you hear wake, you will be happy about what’s going on in your pants. Happy. And [snaps his finger] wake.

Roy: Oh, what you doing feels so good, Zendaya.

Linus Minus: And sleep. [Roy sleeps] Oopsie. Roy made the source of happiness a sexual fantasy with Zendaya.

Colin Jost: Yes. I feel like you should maybe get Roy off stage, okay?

Linus Minus: I’m trying, Colin. Roy, when you hear wake, Zendaya is gone. She is not here. And wake.

Roy: Ay, where Zendaya at? What did you do with Zendaya, you sick son of a–

Linus Minus: Sleep. [Roy sleeps] Roy, I didn’t do anything to Zendaya. I am not the reason Zendaya isn’t here, Roy. And wake.

Roy: Oh no! I killed Zendaya. And I pissed my pants. Help! Help!

Linus Minus: Sleep. [Roy sleeps] Okay. One more time. Roy, on wake, your pants are not wet, they’re dry. Zendaya is not here but Zendaya is alive and safe. You are calm. You are just at work, Roy. You’re doing your normal job and a security guard for Saturday Night Live. And wake. How do you feel?

Roy: Great. I think I should get back to work though. Ay, Michael Che, tell them strippers in your dressing room to put some masks on, man.

Michael Che: Ay! Sleep! [Linus Minus sleeps]

Colin Jost: Linus Minus and Roy, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Disney+ Overtaking Netflix & New Superman Is Bi

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a pictures of Disney+ and Netflix logos at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Experts say that by 2026, Disney+ will surpass Netflix to become the top streaming platform in the world. “Not so fast”, said Pornhub.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Superman logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: DC comics announced that the new Superman will be bisexual. Yes, they also announced that the Riddler has always been down for whatever.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a ranch at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A California ranch once owned by Ronald Raegan is being threatened by a large wildfire. Crews are hoping to put out the blaze by pouring water onto a nearby hill and hoping it trickles down. [cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank you.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Taylor Swift and Adele at right top corner.]

Colin Jost: An economics joke. Music commentators are noting that upcoming releases from Taylor Swift and Adele signal a shift in the industry from hot girls summer to sad girl autumn. Yes, which is followed as always by messy diva Christmas. [Picture changes to Mariah Carey]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Israel map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Archaeologists in Israel have discovered a 1500 year old winery. Wow. It’s crazy that Jewish people have been making wine for that long and they still haven’t gotten any good at it. [Picture changes to Manischewitz wine]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a band at right top corner.]

Colin Jost: The Rolling Stones announced they will no longer play the 1971 song brown sugar which is about having sex with a slave. Something I wish I had realized before I chose it at Karaoke.

[Picture changes to Waymo taxis]

Officials with Waymo, a self driving taxi service say that after a year, robo taxis still have trouble with left turns and puddles. Which explains Waymo’s slogan “Let’s get in Way Mo’ accidents”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Woman gives birth to 14 pound baby” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A woman in Arizona gave birth to a 14 pound baby boy. So now, Arizona has two grand canyons. It’s a math jokes. I’m surprised you didn’t get it.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a mansion and Playboy logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Oh my god. One of Hugh Hefner’s former girlfriends revealed that the Playboy mansion is haunted. She knew it was haunted because if you turn on a black light, you see ectoplasm everywhere.

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of a python at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A British woman was shocked when she discovered a four foot long python in her toilet. But ey, that’s Indian food for you.

Weekend Update- Chris Redd on What’s Really Important

Chris Redd

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: With so much happening in the world these days, it can be overwhelming to keep up with the news. Here to comment is our very own, Chris Redd.

[Chris Redd slides in]

Chris Redd: Yeah. Thank you, Che. Thank you, man.

Michael Che: How are you doing?

Chris Redd: And may I just say what y’all do up here every Saturday, keeping us informed. It’s important, bro. But Che, when do you take a moment to talk about the important unimportant things?

Michael Che: What do you mean by that?

Chris Redd: You know. Stuff most people don’t talk about because technically it doesn’t matter. Here. Let me take a moment quick. Hear me. [music playing] All this talk about debt ceiling and climate change but nobody talks about the fact that nobody in here knows one person who drives or operates a blimp.

Michael Che: A blimp?

Chris Redd: Yes, a blimp. Why do we not now who drives it? Like, when someone says, “I’m a driver”, you don’t say, “Oh, car or blimp?” Who is flying these things? I mean, they could fly a plane or jet. “No, I wanna fly a slow ass dildo across the sky.” For real! I’ve asked people all across the country, not one person knows a blimp driver. This might be a dumb question to ask you, but are we sure blimps are real?

Michael Che: I’m pretty sure they’re real, Chris.

Chris Redd: Exactly. Pretty sure. Plus, blimps are slow as hell. You ever seen a fast blimp? No. Because that is a missile. Anyway, what y’all doing? Y’all good? What’s going on?

Michael Che: Hold up, Chris. This wasn’t the plan. I mean, weren’t you supposed to be talking about the last time you were up here? And that thing you said?

Chris Redd: No. I don’t think so. I’m supposed to be talking about stuff like, why is everybody so mad about superman’s son in the comics being little bi-sex boy now? What a waste of time. He’s not real. I don’t care what real people do with their sex. So, why would I care about stencil, dog? There has to be something for everybody. So, treat life like a Pornhub selection. If it ain’t for you, don’t click the tab. Anyway, what porn you watch, Che?

Michael Che: We’re not talking about porn, Chris.

Chris Redd: Yeah, me neither, man. My porn watching days are over. I knew it when I started emailing feedback, “Passion is not in your eyes no more”.  You know? Colin, can I smoke weed in your house?

Colin Jost: No. I have a baby.

Chris Redd: That’s right. That’s right. Congratulations again on little baby Cletus.

Colin Jost: You know that my baby’s name is not Cletus, Chris. I’ve sent you pictures.

Chris Redd: I get a lot of pictures, Colin. I only remember the boobies. Anyway,–

Michael Che: Chris, that’s enough. Let’s talk about the last time you were here.

Chris Redd: Aite, man. Aite! Damn!Roll the damn clip.

[Cut to clip from 2020]

Colin Jost: Chris Redd, everyone.

Chris Redd: Black people can’t get coronavirus.

[Cut back to Chris Redd today]

Chris Redd: Okay. So, I guess that didn’t hold up great.

Michael Che: I’m not sure people caught that clip from February, 2020. Roll it again, please.

[the clip replayed]

Chris Redd: Okay! In my defense, I was just saying something crazy! I’m not a scientist. I went to community college. Which is like, high school, but you can have sex with your teachers. With consent.

Michael Che: I’m pretty sure you actually can’t, man.

Chris Redd: Hah! Well, I learned a lot today.

Michael Che: That’s Chris Redd with very important unimportant news.

Chris Redd: Not enough people are talking about it.

Weekend Update- Biden’s Climate Plan Dropped from Bill

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden and Joe Manchin at left top corner.]

The Biden Administration’s climate plan is likely to be dropped from the budget bill after senator Joe Manchin refused to support it. But you know what? I’m not going to let some bad climate news ruin this beautiful 80 degree October day. Manchin who is from West Virginia said he would only agree to Biden’s bill if it cuts clean energy and officially makes coal one of the five food groups.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new report shows that president Biden is on average 22 minutes late for public events. Worse, he only does it to appeal black voters.

[Picture changes to Kyrie Irving]

The Brooklyn Nets have benched star player Kyrie Irving from the team until he’s finally vaccinated and as a New York sports fan, I hope this decision finally forces Kyrie to do the right thing and buy a fake vaccination card.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of world map at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Logistical delays caused by worker shortages and covid outrages have doubled the time it takes for some products to get from Asia to the US. Now, this might sound crazy, but could we use bats? Because last time bats carried something, it got everywhere real quick. Pro-bat crowd?

[Picture changes to Pete Buttigieg]

Transportation secretary Pete Buttigieg is criticized for remaining on paternity leave with his husband and twin babies while supply chain problems threatened the holiday shopping season. Said conservatives, “See, you let gay couples have kids and god cancels Christmas.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of coronavirus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new study shows that coronavirus can cause infertility in men. See, so it’s not all bad.

[Picture changes to a woman carrying American flag.]

At a republican rally in Virginia, attendees resided the national anthem to a flag allegedly used during the Capitol riots. You could tell the flag was from the riots because it was soaked in pepper spray and mountain dew code reck.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jon Gruden at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Raider’s head coach Jon Gruden resigned after the discovery of homophobic, misogynist and racist emails he sent and clearly the emails are indefensible but does anyone want to be judged by their old emails? I mean, if you could see half the emails Che sends me. Actually, I’ll show you one. The subject line is “LISTEN UP HONKY”. And then the body of the email just says “I wish they got you instead of Harambe.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Colin Kaepernick at right top corner.]

Michael Che: So, you did get that one. Colin Kaepernick revealed that he has maintained his 5 AM training regimen in case he gets called back up to the NFL. But the Giants are still going to stick with their current quarterback, a scarecrow on a rumba.

Weekend Update- A Proud Gay Oompa Loompa on Timothée Chalamet

Colin Jost

Oompa Loompa… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A photo of Timothee Chalamet as Willy Wonka in an upcoming prequel of “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” went viral this week with many on social media calling him a Twink Willy Wonka. Here to comment on this is a proud gay Oompa Loompa.

[Oompa Loompa slides in]

Oompa Loompa: Hi. I’m sorry. Hi, Colin. How did you just introduce me?

Colin Jost: As a proud gay Oompa Loompa.

Oompa Loompa: Oh my god.

Colin Jost: Oh my god. Sorry. Is that not correct?

Oompa Loompa: No, it’s correct. You just, um, outed me on national television. But no, it’s fine. Don’t feel bad. I actually came here to make a statement about our pending factory strike. But now, I guess I gotta… call my parents.

Colin Jost: No.

Oompa Loompa: But it’s okay. It’s okay. All good. Just so I can plan, when does this air?

Colin Jost: It’s live.

Oompa Loompa: It’s live? Okay, well, I should probably read my little paper. Well, the recent coverage of an attractive young Wonka is scrump-diddly-umptious. What’s not so scrump-diddly-umptious are the unsafe working conditions in this factory– Oh, boy.  [gets upset]

Colin Jost: Are you okay?

Oompa Loompa: I just don’t want my family to find out like this.

Colin Jost: You think they’ll be upset?

Oompa Loompa: They live in Loompa land. It’s not as progressive as here. They’re like just got “Will & Grace”. So yeah, it’s gonna be a conversation.

Colin Jost: Well, we can stop if you want.

Oompa Loompa: No, I got it. I got it. This Twink Wonka or Twonka may look as yummy as lick-able wallpaper but make no mistake, he– Okay, actually, you know what, Colin? You did me a huge favor because now I can be honest about everything. Okay, point blank, a man doesn’t know how to make a chocolate. Okay? He doesn’t. He’s an ideas man who has never touched a machine. He just tumbles into the inventing room and says something like, “Oh, what about a gum drop that makes children dream silly dreams?” And it’s like, “Yeah, bitch, what about it?” Meanwhile, we’re up all night rehearsing the little song and dance we do when a child dies. The whole thing is sick.

Colin Jost: Then I guess you’re not too excited about this new Wonka.

Oompa Loompa: Sorry, I’m just curious. Do I just give off a gay vibe? What about this makes me seem gay to you?

Colin Jost: It’s just… there’s a lot of product in your hair. I don’t know.

Oompa Loompa: Okay. And you just stepped out of the shower like that with your’s? Pot head. Okay, well, I’m being a bitch. But honestly, it does feel nice to be out and I don’t know, maybe, now that I’m out of the closet, maybe you can come out too, Colin.

Colin Jost: No, no, no, I’m not gay.

Oompa Loompa: I’m sorry, boys, I tried.

Colin Jost: A proud gay Oompa Loompa, everyone.

Oompa Loompa: I’m in the union.

Superhosts

Melissa Villaseñor

Brad… Mikey Day

Lexi… Cecily Strong

Tobi… Rami Malek

[Starts with Melissa and Brad getting inside their Airbnb apartment]

Melissa: Wow, babe. This Airbnb is really nice.

Brad: Yeah, it is. I love all the exposed beams and tongue-and-groove woodwork.

Melissa: Brad, you’re straight, right?

Brad: Ha-ha.

Melissa: No, seriously. I just need to hear you say it once.

[Lexi and Rami walk in]

Lexi: Hi. Knock knock.

Rami: Hello.

Lexi: Hi. It’s your Airbnb hosts. I’m Lexi.

Rami: And I’m Tobi with an I.

Melissa: Oh, we didn’t know you were coming by.

Lexi: Yeah. We just want to make sure you got in okay.

Rami: Or if you need recommendations on where to go on the area like outside, or in here. I just wanted you to be happy.

Brad: Oh, cool. Yeah, I think we’re good so far.

Rami: We’re trying to become super hosts.

Lexi: Yeah, yeah, it’s an Airbnb thing. If you get enough great reviews, you get a little badge on your profile.

Rami: And people see the badge and they go, “Ooh! They got a badge!”

Melissa: Well, so far everything is great.

Rami: Oh, good. And I hope it’s okay but we looked at your Instagram and we saw a picture of you eating pizza, so we got you guys one.

Lexi: Yes! And it’s pepperoni, like in the picture.

Brad: Yeah! I guess so. Yeah! Cool.

Rami: We also saw another picture where you had a little psoriasis. So, we got you this medicated body wash.

Melissa: Oh, okay.

Lexi: Yeah. Also, I saw in one of your posts you had a blue shirt. So, we got you these blue pants.

Brad: Okay.

Rami: Well, they’re actually for both of you.

Melissa: Oh, we’ll be sure to both wear these.

Lexi: Sorry. We just– We want you to love the house as much as we do.

Rami: Yeah. This is where we lost our virginity at each other.

Brad: I’m sorry. ‘At’ each other? How long have you guys lived here?

Rami: A week. And after you guys check out, we’re gonna try again.

Lexi: It really hurt him.

Rami: It was hell of painful. For me.

Melissa: Well, thank you so much for everything, but we’re kind of tired.

Rami: Oh, okay. That is definitely code for “Get these serial killers out of here so we can start our own vacation”.

Lexi: [to Rami] We’re not serial killers. Don’t tell them we’re serial killers. You’re scaring them, Josh.

Brad: Oh. Weren’t you Tobi with an I?

Rami: Ha-ha. Anyway, if you have any questions at all, just call us.

Melissa: Yeah, I do have one question. What is that painting on the mantel. [There’s nude painting of Melissa and Brad on the wall]

Lexi: Oh, of your bodies?

Brad: Yeah! The one of us and our exposed bodies.

Rami: Ah! That was supposed to be your checkout gift.

Lexi: Oh, sorry, we’re trying to get that badge.

Melissa: And you did a nude of our dog too? [there’s a picture of a dog on the wall]

Brad: Oh my god!

Rami: Yeah you’re welcome.

Lexi: Oh, and guys, just FYI, the wifi here isn’t great, so we left you some porno mags in the bathroom.

Rami: Yeah, and don’t you worry. They’re the kind you like.

Lexi: Yeah. If you need anything else at all, just call us like this…

Lexi and Rami: [yelling] Hey you guys!

Brad: Alright. Please leave.

Lexi: I’m sorry. You know what? We just really want to be super hosts. Okay, how can we make it up to you?

Rami: Oh, should I play guitar while you unpack?

Brad: Oh, no, no. That’s fine.

Melissa: Well, we can hear a little bit.

Rami: Oh, that’s so nice of you. [gets a guitar then thinks] Oh no, I forgot how. Sorry.

Brad: Okay. I think we got it from here.

Lexi: Oh! Last thing, there’s fresh sheets in the closet for two days from now.

Brad: What do you mean two days from now?

Rami: Oh, we just know how you guys are always too tired for sex on the first night of vacation. So, you get really nasty the next night.

Brad: Dude! What the hell! How do you guys know this?

Lexi: From Instagram.

Brad: We don’t post that on Instagram.

Rami: Well, we infer based on your faces in previous vacation photos. You smile way more on day three.

Brad: My god. Why are you guys doing this?

Rami: Ah! Okay, fine. You want the truth? We saw you on Instagram a month ago and we thought you were cool.

Lexi: We were on the hashtag for #pizza and we saw your pepperoni pizza posts and thought you’d make good friends.

Rami: So, we sold our house and we built this one to make it an Airbnb.

Brad: Why didn’t you just rent your old place.

Lexi: Ha-ha-ha.

Rami: You see? This is exactly why we need you guys around.

Lexi: To keep us from doing stupid stuff.

Melissa: It’s okay, guys. I actually think it’s pretty sweet. We’ve never had anyone do a painting of us and that’s worth five stars in my book.

Rami: Wow.

Lexi: Thank you.

Rami: Speaking of book, don’t forget to sign our guest book.

Brad: Yeah, of course. [opens the guest book] It just says “Run”.

Lexi and Rami: Yeah, we’re serial killers.

[Lexi and Rami raise their fists]

Lexi: Oh, no. We forgot our knives.

Rami: We’re so bad at this.

Lexi: You guys, stay right there. We’ll be right back. Don’t move.