Tag: Chloe Fineman

Too Hot to Handle

Dom… Devon Walker

Izzy… Ego Nwodim

Glen… Chloe Fineman

Rodney… Travis Kelce

Female voice: Welcome back to too hot to handle, where the actions are all the place, but the premise is simple. Abstain from physical intimacy and you’ll win 200 Gs. Can you believe Netflix has made five seasons of this?

Lana: Good evening, everyone.

No: Hi, Lana.

Lana: I introduced the ground rules of this retreat just 24 hours ago.

Dom: And we’ve been so good, Lana. Me and Izzy haven’t even done nothing.

Izzy: Even though Dom is proper fit, yeah.

Sarah: We haven’t even done hand stuff, and I always do hand stuff.

Bowen: But it’s all gonna be worth it to win this 200 grand.

Lana: Unfortunately, that won’t be happening. Last night there was a rule break costing the villa $3,000.

All: No.

James: [pointing at Dom and Izzy] It was them two, wasn’t it?

Lana: Actually, it was a kiss shared between Rodney and Glen Bechamel.

Glen: Oh, sorry guys. I tried not to kiss Rodney. But then I wanted to. So I did. Guess I’m kind of wild like that.

Izzy: Wait, Rodney. You hooked up with Glenn?

Rodney: I know. We lost the prize money.

James: Yeah, that’s not why we’re shocked.

Izzy: You could have smoked anyone and you went with Glenn.

Rodney: It’s not my fault. There’s something about her. [Glen farts] Listen to her voice.

Glen: Sorry, I had to sneeze.

Lana: There was another rule break last night costing the group $20,000.

All: No.

Lana: It was heavy petting in the grill area between Rodney and Glen Bechamel.

Glen: Sorry.

Rodney: I’m sorry. I’ve just never met anyone like Glen. She’s so unpredictable.

Glen: Rodney made ribs and I let him use my body as a napkin. It doesn’t matter. I picked 16 of these shirts. Rodney told me not to touch the grill. I did it anyway.

Izzy: Okay, maybe this is more of a question for producers but like why is Glenn even here?

Glen: Cuz I’m a horned up single like you guys. I had sex eight times, but who’s counting? Me. I always count, except calories. You are what you eat, so I guess I’m Rodney’s ass.

Rodney: I hope you guys aren’t jealous.

Bowen: No, I’m actually numb from the waist down.

Dom: Glen is so weird and old.

Glen: Actually I’m 28 and I’ve just been through hell.

Lana: Another rule break is happening now.

[Glen is kissing Rodney’s hand]

James: What are they even doing?

Sarah: She’s kissing his arm like she’s gnawing on corn.

Izzy: Is this even a rule break?

Lana: Technically no, but it makes me feel insane. so I’m draining the prize fund. Someone unplug me.

Glen: I guess I’m kind of wild like that.

Abby the Ex-Girlfriend

Abby… Heidi Gardner

Graham… Travis Kelce

Madison… Chloe Fineman

Ego Nwodim

Sarah Sherman

Ego: Okay, that movie was wild.

Abby: Yeah, Paddington three was not what I expected.

Sarah: That was cocaine bear.

Abby: Okay, see? I was so worried about Paddington.

Sarah: Shoot, Abby, Graham is here.

Ego: Abby, we can totally leave.

Abby: Look out. It’s been three years. I can be around my ex. I’m totally cool.

[Abby walks to her ex]

Hey, stranger. How are you, Bubba?

Graham: Abby. Hey, it’s it’s been a minute. What’s new?

Abby: I’m actually in the best place I’ve been in a long time. Yeah, I’m with someone new and life is pretty rad. How have you been? You look like hell. Just kidding. Just kidding. You look awesome.

Graham: Yeah, I’ve been good. Working out a lot. Oh, hey, thanks for paying me back about my car getting fixed.

Abby: Yeah, sorry. I do that kettlebell through your windshield. I had a lot to process, but now I can look at you with no attachment. And I think that’s pretty freakin rad.

Madison: Sorry, babe. The line for the bathroom was crazy.

Graham: Madison, this is Abby.

Madison: Oh, hi.

Abby: Oh, you two are together? Well, congrats. You got yourself a stunning girlfriend.

Graham: This is my fiance.

Abby: Your fiance?

[Abby’s eye starts tearing like it’s squirting]

Graham: Abby, are you crying?

Abby: No. Remember, I just had that thing with my eyes where I had to poke it up?

Graham: I don’t, but if you say so.

Abby: Yeah. So how did you two meet?

Graham: We met on a little cruise.

Madison: Well, it wasn’t a cruise for me. I’m a bosun on Below Deck.

Abby: Okay, that’s my dream job.

Graham: Abby, are you okay?

Abby: Yeah, no, I’m fine. It’s that eye thing again. I’m fine. I might just have to hold them. You guys can kiss if you want. I don’t give a rat’s ass.

Graham: We’re really not trying to kiss this moment.

Madison: So how do you guys know each other?

Abby: Oh my god, girl. How long do you have?

Graham: Abby and I went on one date in 2019.

Abby: Okay, excuse me, we went on three dates. It was dinner and movie and a walk.

Graham: The walk was from dinner to the movie. The whole thing was like two hours.

Abby: Okay, regardless, Graham and I have history. But now I think we’re killing this friends thing, Bubba.

Madison: Well, we’re moving next month, but you’ll have to come visit us if you’re ever in New Orleans.

Abby: Where the Saints Go marching.

Graham: Oh my god. Abby, do you need a tissue?

Abby: No. Because these are happy tears.

Madison: I mean, you know, we’re really happy too. It feels like a great place to raise a kid.

Abby: You’re pregnant? Yes!

Madison: Yes, we’re doing August, but maybe we should talk about something else. I’m starting to feel bad.

Graham: You shouldn’t. It was one date.

Abby: Okay, look. Okay. None of that matters now because like I said, I am in a relationship and it’s so good. He’s a little bit older and he’s totally ripped.

Graham: Abby, that’s great for you. I’m happy.

[Jason Kelce walks in and hugs Abby]

Jason: Hey, Baba, sorry, I’m late. Is this guy bothering you? Do you need me to beat him up? Cuz I definitely could.

Graham: Wait, that’s your boyfriend?  It’s totally cool. [Graham starts becoming teary] Oh my god. It’s totally cool. Oh my god.

Trump Train Visit Cold Open

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

Emily Kohrs… Chloe Fineman

Male voice: You’re watching C span. Up next, former President Trump addresses residents of East Palestine, Ohio, following this month’s train derailment.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Hello everyone. Hello, it’s wonderful to be here in the town of East Palestine. Not a great name. But I had to come here and see these wonderful people who have been abandoned by Biden. He’s on spring break in Ukraine with his friends Zelensky in the t-shirt, very disrespectful. Zelensky thinks he’s rocking that ringadee like Scott Pilgrim. But I’m here and I brought hats, cameras and hats, because it’s terrible what’s happening here. You know, earlier today a farmer came up to me, big fella, and he said, “Sir, we have nothing to eat because dirt is poison.” And I said, “Well, what are you doing eating the dirt? Don’t eat the dirt, folks. Don’t eat the dirt. You should be eating the cold McDonald’s I brought you. And the bottled water, Trump ice.”

I’ll be honest, I just put my sticker on some Dasani. We like to say Dasani. I’ve heard all about your situation with the water, but I was looking at your river and it’s so shiny. I’ve never seen water so beautiful. Beautiful rainbows and discolorations. It’s wearing makeup. Fendy Beauty Water. Fendi by Rihanna. Rihanna. By the way you know she was pregnant doing Super Bowl, can you believe that? I said, “Of course, she is. She’s not moving at all. It was just arms, right?” She was just doing arms the whole time.

But your train exploded and who do we blame? Who do we blame. We blame Buttigieg. Pete Buttigeig. This was his responsibility. Unfortunately he was too busy being a nerd and being gay to have dealt with a very much more important issue of should drains have big poison? And I have to tell you, I call him Pete Butt. I call him Pete Butt. There’s no way around it. That’s just the best one. Believe me, I’ve tried it every which way and it really doesn’t get better than Pete Butt. But this would have never happened  under my administration. People are saying I made the trains less safe. Not true, okay? Not true. I did a lot for trains. I made them bigger, faster, less safe perhaps. I’m here paying my respects because your train exploded and now your birds and fish are all dead. That’s got to not be so great. Wake up in the morning and not hear the beautiful chirping of birds and instead of your train’s exploding and derailing all over the place. You’re town is hurting, that’s why you need me. I feel like I could “Schitt’s Creek” this place, right? But I need the big eyebrows, right? That guy Schitts Creek, he’s got big eyebrows. You watched Schitts Creek? No you guys watch Yellowstone.

Anyway, I have a very special surprise guest for you today. You’ve seen a blinding all over TV this week. It’s the foreman of the Georgia, Grand Jury investigating me, Ms. Emily Kohrs.

Emily Kohrs: Oh my god. This is so cool. First Giuliani and now you. Good day, sir.

Donald Trump: She’s an odd duck but we like her. She’s either 7 or 40. We can’t tell. And she’s got a very big secret for such a kooky little lady.

Emily Kohrs: Potentially. I might. I don’t know. Eeeeeee.

Donald Trump: Wow, we don’t like that. We don’t like that sound. Because she knows if I’m getting indicted. She’s a head juror, can you believe that? They elected her. They’ll elect anyone. I started that. Come on, spill the tea. Come on.

Emily Kohrs: Nope. You just want me to ruin the case. But I guess I can say we’ve been saying your name a lot.

Donald Trump: Can you believe that? They almost had me and then this little horse girl comes in and saves the day. Thank you Emily.

Emily Kohrs: Farewell.

Donald Trump: Do we like her or what? Right? She looks like Haley Joel Osment and she’s my best friend. Well, I’m gonna get out of here soon because the air is full of poison, but you know everyone in Ohio has asked me “What do I do now? There’s poison gas in the air.” Could be a good thing, right? I know some of the husbands are happy to have the stinky gas as an excuse, right? I mean, “Did you pass gas?” “No, it was the train.” Right? Blame the train, right? You’d normally blame it on the dog, but they’re all done now aren’t they? So in conclusion, Schitt’s Creek, Rihanna, Pete Butt and live from New York and Saturday night.

The Hippo

Shana… Ego Nwodim

Keith… Woody Harrelson

Jonas… James Austin Johnson

Blake… Mikey Day

Chloe fineman

Blake: Guys, can I get my cast for a second? So I just got off the phone with the studio.

Shana: Oh no, God, was it about that potential writer’s strike?

Blake: No, worse. The geniuses at the studio are no longer interested in a gut wrenching drama about obesity. So they’re shutting the film down. It’s a wrap on “The Hippo”. Movie is dead, guys.

Chloe: What?

Shana: For real?

Jonas: Seriously?

Blake: And the worst part is I know how much work you all did to prepare for your roles.

Shana: Yeah, a lot. I shadow the therapist for two weeks to get into character, Blake.

Blake: I know. I know. And Jonas drew a beard, which I know he hates.

Jonas: I do. I hate it?

Blake: And for his role, Keith gained 450 pounds in six months.

Keith: Yeah, and sorry, just to be clear, that movie is officially dead? As in we’re not making it?

Blake: No, “The Hippo” will never see the light of day.

Keith: Ah, well, that is- That’s rough to hear.

Chloe: Wait, so if we’re not making the movie, that means I dyed my hair brown for nothing?

Blake: Hey, hey, hey, it’s fine. Okay? We’re all upset. Keith. You look like this is hitting you pretty hard too buddy.

Keith: Yeah, I gotta say this is really unfortunate for me, personally.

Shana: For all of us. We all sacrifice for this film. I shadowed that therapist on my own time. I can’t get those two weeks back.

Keith: Right. And I gained 450 real pounds in six months. That’s a big lifestyle change. I have something called Triabetes now. It’s the one after diabetes.

Jonas: And I have this goddamn beard. [kicks a stool] Sorry, it’s itchy and growing it was a horrible experience.

Keith: I can relate, because gaining 450 pounds in six months also was not fun. I had to eat something called gristle loaf. Does anyone know about this? It’s a brick compressed- You know, it’s a compressed be fat and corn syrup.

Chloe: I know exactly how you feel Keith. My hair is like so brittle from the brown dot.

Keith: But this is gristle loaf, by the way. It’s what they feed sick elephants at the zoo to get them back to their normal way. Ate nine of these a day because I thought I would win the Oscar.

Blake: Yeah, and you would have. Dammit. I should have seen this coming. Studio was fighting me from day one. Shana, did you know they wanted your part to be played by a white woman?

Shana: The sad thing is I’m not surprised.

Blake: And Jonas, they wanted to cut you out of act three.

Jonas: And then there’d be what? No resolution to the custody battle storyline? God they’re so afraid of original ideas.

Blake: And get this. Instead of gaining 450 pounds in six months, they wanted Keith wear a fat suit.

Keith: Was that an option?

Blake: Yeah. But I told them. I said “Keith is a method actor. He’s not going to wear a fat suit.”

Keith: Oh, yeah. I’m really kind of wish you brought me into that conversation.

Blake: Oh really? That’s my bad, man. I’m sorry guys, this whole thing is my bad. But look at least you guys are free. You okay?

[Keith sits on a couch]

At least you guys are free to do other projects, right? Like Keith, you had an offer for a Marvel movie, right?

Keith: I think that ship has sailed. I’m not exactly in X Men shape.

Mkey: Right, well, something else will come along. All right. Well, I do this on all my films guys. On our last day as set, we all say one thing this experience gave us. So I’ll go first. I have 28 new friends.

Jonas: I have one hell of a story.

Shana: I have a deeper respect for our craft.

Chloe: same.

Blake: Alright your turn Keith. I have…

Keith: … not seen my penis in four months.

Blake: Keith, you know what? Make that 29 new friends for me.

Keith: I wasn’t included in your original count?

Shana: Hey, did the studio same why they shut the movie down?

Blake: Oh, you’ll love this. They said the script is almost word for word the same as that Brendan Fraser movie “The whale”.

Jonas: Incredible film

Shana: I thought Brendan Fraser is going to win an Oscar.

Keith: Oh, good for him.

Jail Scene

Ego Nwodim

Kenan Thompson

Willie… Woody Harrelson

Carla… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Woody’s wife visiting him in jail]

Officer: All right. 6117, you got five minutes.

Willy: Oh, Carla Jean. God, so good to see your face.

Carla: I missed you too, Willie.

Willy: Look, I know I made a damn mess of things on the outside, but I swear I’ve changed.

Carla: I hope so. I’m tired of coming here Willie. I really am.

Willy: I know honey. I know. Listen, when I get out of here I’m gonna do you right. I mean, you hear me? I am I’m gonna give you the life you’ve always deserved. Mark my words. I’m gonna be out of here soon.

Ego: No, he’s not.

Willy: What was that?

Ego: Hey, you say whatever you want. That’s your conversation.

Willy: Listen here Carla Jean, you remember that house on Cherry Lane, the one with the white picket fence? When I get out of here, I’m gonna buy us that house.

Ego: Whooo! In today’s market? That is funny.

Willy: I’m sorry it’s a problem?

Ego: Hey, it seems to me like you want one. Leave me out of this. All y’all get on my damn nerves. This man say he gonna buy her house. Buy a house?

Willy: You know, Carla Jean, prison’s actually been good for me.

Ego: No he lying.

Willy: I’ve been reading a lot.

Ego: Say he gonna buy a house.

Willy: I’m actually trying to get my GED.

Ego: Wanna buy a full damn house? Not even a duplex, but a house?

Willy: I think I’m-

Ego: I can’t buy a house and I’m not even in jail. I rent one bedroom apartment and got a damn roommate, who’s always using my soap. Seeing her hair on my bar soap and not from her head either. You want to buy a house? I had a house, ex boyfriend caught it on fire.

Willy: Will you please? I’m trying to talk to my wife.

Ego: That’s your wife. You’re still married?

Carla: Listen baby, you’re the only man for me and no matter how long you’re in here, whether it’s a day or 1000 years I will always wait for you.

Kenan: No, she not.

Carla: Sorry, can you not?

Kenan: Hey, I’m not here. I’m just wallpaper, okay? But she sure had some tall brother drop her off. He out there waiting in the car. AC cranked all the way up. Probably wasting all the damn gas. Listening to Club Random, you know, Bill Maher’s podcast. Yeah, but she talking about she gonna wait for him. Yeah, okay.

Carla: You know, little Willie Jr. is growing up so fast, he got the cutest smile. In fact, he looks just like you.

Kenan: No, he don’t.

Carla: Come on.

Kenan: Wallpaper, okay? Little boy got red hair, though. I mean, you ain’t got no rain. He ain’t got no red hair. tall brother in the car got some red hair though. Man, somebody’s math ain’t mathing. That boy look like Chucky. Yeah, you know Chucky from the Rugrats? Not knife Chucky. Yeah, coming to think of it, knife Chucky got red hair too. every damn Chucky got red hair. Wow, name me one Chucky that ain’t got red hair. Probably Chucky Cheese. Yeah, the Chucky Cheese. What’s he? A rat with a hat? Underneath that, there’s probably some red hair.

Carla: Oh my god, I really can’t with you over my shoulder.

Kenan: Ma’am. I am not your problem. Okay? What I am is wallpaper. El Papel of the wall.

Willie: Look, Carla Jean.

Ego: Ay, hold up, hold up. Ay, Carla Jean, give Dudsy the phone.

Kenan: What, you want to talk to me?

Ego: Yeah, Dudsy, Dudsy.

Kenan: Yes, one second.

Ego: This fool over her talking about he gonna buy her house.

Willie: It’s called manifest.

Ego: Why are you eavesdropping?

Kenan: Well, this lady over here talking about she going wait for him because she thinks he getting that house. She ain’t waiting for nobody. She got a tall red haired Chucky out there-

Ego: House? How’s he gonna buy a house? He has no money. He can’t even afford a candy bar. [crosstalk]

Kenan and Ego: You know what I should do? Go in on a time share.

Kenan: Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about. That’s what I’m saying.

Carla: Yeah, okay. I guess I’m just gonna go.

Willie: I’ll just head back to the jail.

Kenan: Go ahead, man.

[crosstalk]

The Big Hollywood Quiz

Jack Del Mar… Bowen Yang

Robert… Pedro Pascal

Jacqueline… Ego Nwodim

Mary… Chloe Fineman

Announcer: It’s time for the big Hollywood quiz. Here’s your host Jack Del Mar.

Jack: [singing] Light shines so brightly on Chaplin and garble
tonight we delight in James Dean and Jean Harlow
where legends of the past meet the stars of tomorrow
on the Big Hollywood Quiz

Thank you. Thank you. Welcome to the show that’s all about entertainments. Let’s meet our contestants. First Roberts is the professor of Film Studies at Tisch School of the arts.

Robert: Hi, Jack.

Jack: Next, Jacqueline is an entertainment writer for USA Today.

Jacqueline: Great to be here.

Jack: Finally, Mary hosts her own show on the history of Hollywood. What kind of show was it Mary?

Mary: It’s a podcast.

Jack: Oh, okay. Well, our categories are the movies, the shows, the stars, and Hooray. Robert, you’re first.

Robert: Thanks, Jack. We got to start with movies.

Jack: We got to this question is from the 1950s. In “All About Eve”, she famously said, “Fasten your seat belts, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.” Robert, you buzzed in first.

Robert: One and only, Betty Davis.

Jack: Yes, that’s $500. You’re on the board. Moving over to the shows. This one is from the 80s. In 1983, this TV show set during the Korean War had a finale watched by over 100 million viewers. Jacqueline.

Jacqueline: Mash, and it was watched by 106 million.

Jack: That’s it. $500 for you. Great job. Now let’s go over to the 2020s. This breakout hit is the current number one show on Netflix. It’s Ginny & …? [all three contestants are quiet] No one? It’s the most watched show on the most watched streaming service in the world. No? Gini & …?

Robert: Juice?

Jack: No. It was Gini & Georgia. Gini & Georgia season two.

Jacqueline: Is that from Europe?

Jack: No. It’s totally American. Okay, Robert, pick a catJacquelinery.

Robert: Let’s go to Hurray.

Jack: Great. These are all about awards sticking with the 2020s. This film written and directed by Sarah Polley has been nominated for Best Picture this year. [all three contestants are quiet] No one? I’ll give you a hint. It has an all female cast featuring Oscar winner Francis McDormand.

Robert: 80 for Brady.

Jack: No. Anyone else?

Jacqueline: Can you give us a hint?

Jack: It’s women talking.

Robert: Be more specific.

Jack: No, that’s the title. “Women Talking”. It’s a wonderful film. Do you all watch much TV or movies?

Jacqueline: I do, at least 12 hours a day.

Jack: Yikes. Here’s the next question. Just last week, Andrea Riseborough was nominated for an Oscar for her role in which movie? [all three contestants are quiet] Anyone? Andrea Riseborough. They say it was the best performance of her career.

Jacqueline: Career?

Jack: It was “To Lesley.” That’s right, “To Lesley”. It’s great. You should really see it because so far it’s made $27,300.

Mary: Okay, that’s not a lot for opening weekend.

Jack: It’s been out for four months.

Robert: Can I make a request, Jack? Can we do a question with some big movie stars, people we would all know.

Jack: Sure. Like who?

Robert: I don’t know. Nicole Kidman?

Jack: Absolutely. Here’s one. This past year Nicole Kidman starred in this “darkly feminist drama” on Apple TV.

Robert: Wednesday?

Jack: No. Anyone? Nobody? It was Roar. That’s right. Roar.

Jacqueline: No.

Jack: Yes. Okay, let’s do Samuel L. Jackson. Everyone knows him, right? This past year Samuel L Jackson starred in this critically acclaimed drama on Apple TV.

Robert: Wednesday.

Jack: No. Sorry, it was “The Last Days of Ptolemy Grey”.

Mary: Oh, come on. You got to be kidding me.

Jack: I’m totally serious.

Robert: Jack, please. I’m sure the shows are great. But where did all the big popular movies go?

Jack: Oh, they’re still here. They’re just in your phone and you can watch them on the toilet. Ha-ha-ha. Okay. No one is in the lead. Let’s just move on to the speed round. Robert, you’re still in control. Our era is the 80s.

Robert: Great.

Jack: Here’s the question. But year 1989 featured movies like “The Little Mermaid,” “When Harry Met Sally,” “Batman,” “Dead Poets Society,” and “Do the right thing.” Robert, named three movies from the past five years.

Robert: Oh, wow. Three Okay. Wow, Top Gun.

Jack: Okay, that’s one.

Robert: Great. Oh gosh. The Hangover?

Jack: That was 20 years ago.

Robert: The night man.

Jack: Sounds like you’re just saying words. Come on. All you need is one. Can’t you just name one more movie?

Robert: No.

Jack: That’s right. “No.” You’ve won the speed round.

Robert: Yay. Why?

Jack: Now, just take the win, Robert. When we come back, these three will try to guess what Julia Roberts is doing on Stars. Bye.

Spy Balloon Cold Open

Katy Tur… Chloe Fineman

William Hamilton… Kenan Thompson

Balloon… Bowen Yang

[Starts with show intro]

[Cut to Katy in her news set]

[cheers and applause]

Katy: Good evening. It’s good to be with you. I’m Katy Tur, and tonight Our long national nightmare is over. We got the balloon. The discovery of the massive surveillance balloon earlier this week inflammed already volatile US-Chinese relations and had many on the right calling the Biden administration’s response soft, including this tweet from Donald Trump Jr. saying, “If my dad was president, there would be no balloons!!!!” And this one from Marjorie Taylor Greene saying, “Look, it’s the real moon.” For more details, I’m honored to be joined tonight by Pentagon official and aviation expert General William Hamilton.

William: Thank you for having me.

Katy: Congratulations general, on your successful mission.

William: Thank you. We popped the balloon.

Katy: General, we’ve never seen an object like this gain entry into our airspace before. How did that happen?

William: That’s an excellent question, Katy. The balloon was somehow able to get past our West Coast anti balloon defense system, the Seattle Space Needle. But once it was here, we were able to keep an eye on it with our sophisticated tracking technology of going like this. [looks above]

Katy: Understood.

William: I know there were questions about why we didn’t shoot it down immediately. But we wanted to wait till it was over the coast so that it wouldn’t fall on people or go shoos-shoo-shoo-shoo and land on my car.

Katy: It looked like it was a very exciting operation. Can you take us through it?

William: Well, I did bring a 3d rendering of the enemy target. [pulls out a small balloon toy out of his pocket] Now, imagine this is a lot bigger, but then pretty far away it looks a lot smaller too.

Katy: Now, that was gathering intel. Was it taking pictures?

William: We don’t know. But I do know if you tap it, it plays music [William taps the small balloon toy. It plays music.]

Katy: Okay, well General, thank you so much for your heroism and for protecting our nation.

William: Thank you, Mrs. Tur. And I want everyone to know that we will not tolerate any form of Chinese spy. But to be honest, they already have everything they need from TikTok. So scroll away, kids.

Katy: Thank you General, and this is exciting. I’m getting word we have located the remains of the balloon and I’m told we have a live feed. Let’s see how it looks.

[Cut to Bowen as a balloon, wearing balloon costume floating on a sea]

Balloon: Well, you got me. Congrats, you shot a balloon.

Katy: Wow, balloon. Well, I’m sorry. You’re in the water. But thank you for speaking to us.

Balloon: I entertain new people for four days. And then get shot by Biden? I can’t believe I’m Joe’s O’Sama.

Katy: Now I have to ask What were you doing flying over Montana?

Balloon: I love the show Yellowstone, so I was just there. It’s like succession but outside. Now I’m all wet. So what a day.

Katy: Well, I’m actually surprised you’re still floating. Experts were saying you’re the size of three buses.

Balloon: Okay, ouch. I’m a balloon. So that’s my body. How would you like it if someone measured your width in buses? I’m sorry. I’m not camera ready. And who’s this? [a pigeon flies near] No, no, no, no, no, don’t, get away. God. I hate the ocean. I’m really more of an air guy.

Katy: Look, I’m sorry. But people were worried they were being spied on.

Balloon: By me? A balloon. Everyone’s being surveilled constantly, but it’s always shoot the balloon and never unplug Alexa. If you care so much about your data, why do you all keep your bank passwords in the Notes app? Okay? You mail your literal DNA to a company to find out if you’re 10% French, but just we just a balloon.

Katy: Now the concern was that you were taking sensitive images of the US.

Balloon:I was so far away. It’s like when your aunt takes a concert video on her iPad. And you’re like, I guess that’s my Googoo Bleh. I couldn’t even tell what I was looking at from up there. Like frankly, I thought the state lines would be like drawn out. I thought I would see words over the places

Katy: Well, we just did what we had to do to protect the security of our country.

Balloon: Oh, why is everyone freaking out because I’m a Chinese balloon? Because where I come from, I’m just a balloon.

Katy: Well thanks for speaking with us today and we’re sorry for how everything had to go down.

Balloon: Oh Katy, don’t do that. You’ve made it very clear that I’m not welcome here. So good job. But let me tell you something. You’re gonna miss this Chinese spy balloon, I mean normal balloon. Dammit. Well, whatever. We already have your data. And live from New York it’s Saturday night!

Protective Mom

Louis… Marcello Hernandez

Britney… Chloe Fineman

Mother… Pedro Pascal

Louis: Babe, so before we go in, I just want you to know that my mom can be pretty protective of me. And I just don’t want you to get scared off.

Britney: Louis, don’t worry, we’re good.

Louis: Okay. Woo-hoo, Mama-minda, we’re home.

Mother: Mi Hijo lindo, I’m coming. [walks in and starts crying]

Louis: Mama.

Mother: the man of my life. ay, Dios mio. Luisito. Oh my college boy, I missed you so much. [starts hitting with newspaper] You don’t call enough. Bad boy. I’ll kill you. I put you in jail. Ah! I love you so much.

Louis: Aw, mama. Well, I love you too, mama. And I want to introduce you to my new girlfriend, Britney.

Britney: Hi. Yes, Miss Flores. I’m Brittany. I’ve heard so much about you.

Mother: You are cute. You dress like a boy. I like that.

Louis: Haha-mama. Let’s eat. How about that?

Britney: With love. And hey, my parents taught me never to come empty handed. So I did bring some vegan sliders.

Mother: Louis, [foreign language] vegan sliders?

Britney: Is she talking about me?

Louis: Oh, yes. But in a good way. Don’t worry. Mama. We’re hungry.

Britney: Yes. And this looks great. Um, where should I put these?

Mother: I’ll take it. Thank you. [Takes the bag and throws the vegan sliders into the trash] Sit, sit.

Louis: Everything looks so great, Mama. Thank you.

Mother: So Brittany, what are you studying?

Britney: I’m actually studying fine art with a concentration in 17th century baroque architecture.

Mother: So she doesn’t like money.

Louis: Mama, please. Brittany wants to be an art professor one day.

Mother: Oh, so she’s a lesbian?

Louis: Mama, please.

Mother: No, no, no, no. Mi nuera no puede estudiar fine art y usar tu dinero para dizque broke architecture.

Louis: Mama, por favor. No le importa el dinero a ella.

Mother: Te puedes imaginar? Van Gogh, Picasso, Britney with the vegan sliders.

Britney: Okay, so she’s talking about me.

Louis: No le hables asi a la pobre. Es una nice White girl. Se cuida mucho. Siempre se pone sunscreen. Y tiene mucho talento. Sabe jugar ultimate frisbee.

Britney: Oh my gos. Listen, I am so sorry if I offended you in any way. I only want the best for your son. Like Louis, do you remember when you were having trouble concentrating for semester?

Louis: Oh, no, no, no.

Britney: And I set you up with my family doctor?

Mother: What?

Britney: Well, I helped Louis out. Now he’s on ADD medication and he’s doing a lot better.

Mother: My son don’t have ADD. He just like to jump.

Britney: Oh, well, ADD isn’t anything to be embarrassed about. Demi Lovato has it.

Mother: Ella entra a mi casa con su “family doctor”, hablando de que “normalize ADD”.

Britney: Okay, she hates me.

Louis: She’s not talking about you. Mama, yo entiendo que no te cae bien su unisex apparel

Britney: What?

Louis: Y si no fuera por ella, yo nunca viera “White Lotus”.

Mother: Esta brujita, con su Pinterest, hablando de que, “Hey man, wanna go get some sweet green?”

Britney: What is she saying?

Mother: Pero no me digas a mi que te vas a casar con ella o tenera una relacion “long-term”, okay? No.

Britney: What?

Mother: A mi no me importa si tu te metes con eila para un “one-night-stand”, “hit it and quit it”, “rip and dip”. I don’t care. That’s okay.

Britney: Okay, that was all English. Please, I would just love to start over.

Louis: Yes. Can we please just eat? How about that?

Britney: Yes, this looks delicious, Ms. Flores. But before we eat, mind if I say Grace?

Mother: Grace? Oh, Mija. Louis… why didn’t you tell me she was a woman of God?

Louis: Oh my god.

Mother: Now where are my grandchildren?

HBO Mario Kart Trailer

Mario… Pedro Pascal

Princess… Chloe Fineman

Male voice: HBO’s The Last of Us is a hit, proving a video game can become a prestige dystopian drama. HBO is doing it again with another iconic game.

Female voice: It’s been 10 years since our kingdom fell. The only thing we have left, hope.

Heidi: I have important cargo I need smuggled to Rambo road. People say you used to drive?

Mario: People say a lot of things.

Heidi: You got a name?

Mario: It’s a me Mario. So what’s the cargo?

Heidi: Not what? Who? She’s a princess. Really, she was? Until he took over.

Mario: We’ll never make it on foot.

Heidi: You won’t have to.

[Heidi shows him a Mario Kart]

Mario: Let’s a-go.

Male voice: From the producers of “The Last of Us” and the master storytellers behind Mario Kart 1 through 8.

Princess: What’s it like out here?

Mario: Carting out out here isn’t a game. We’re gonna make it? We need all the help we can get.

Luigi: It’s a Luigi time.

Mario: Everything on this road wants us dead.

Princess: What is the thing?

Luigi: Goomba, cinci and fungus with shoes for legs.

Male voice: All your favorite wacky racers reimagined as complex dramatic HBO characters.

Yoshi: I’m Yoshi. I’m bisexual.

Toad: My name’s Toad. Also, I’m bisexual.

Male voice: “HBO pick the wrong game to do this with”, reads Variety. “Yeah, this ain’t it,” adds the New York Times.

Princess: [seeing Mario eat the mushroom] You eat that poison?

Mario: It makes me feel big, okay? I need to feel big. Because Bowser is out there. And he’s the main bad guy.

Mario narrating: When we’re out there in our carts…

Luigi: Woohoo, I love this.

Mario narrating: … I need you to trust me.

Mario: Hold on. Ah!

Mario narrating: I’ll get you to Rainbow Road.

Toad: There’s a shell on my seat.

Mario: You can do it.

Toad: No. It’s red.

[Toad’s cart gets destroyed]

Princess: What if we crash?

Mario: Little guy in a cloud comes and uses a fishing pole to put you back on the road.

Princess: Oh, okay.

Roller Coaster Accident

Tanya… Chloe Fineman

Richard… Kenan Thompson

Francine… Sarah Sherman

Jason… Michael B. Jordan

[Starts with show intro]

Tanya: Welcome back to Good morning today. Later in the hour, we’ll be talking pitbulls. Who are they? What do they want from us and how are they so yoked?

Richard: But first, it’s time for America’s favorite segment, Cuisine with Francine.

Tanya: Can I just say I am so happy that Francine is back.

Richard: Yes, me too. As I’m sure most of our viewers know, Francine was gone yesterday because she got stuck on a runaway roller coaster going 150 miles an hour for 19 hours straight.

Tanya: But now she’s back better than ever and not the least bit face. Hi Francine.

[Cut to Francine. She has all her hair blown up and her mouth still open like air being blown to it.]

Francine: Hi Richard, hi Tanya. It’s great to be back. And I got some really exciting flavors to share with you all today.

Richard: Wow, Francine, you look nuts.

Tanya: Did you come here straight from the amusement park?

Francine: Sure did. Couldn’t be late to be back in the studio.

Tanya: Well, that’s great. Well, what’s on the menu today Francine.

Francine: Well, I hope you have your passports ready because today we’re off to Italia. Join me, will you?For a culture adventure that will have you say, “Mama mia.” Today we’re eating buffalo mozzarella, we’re gonna be eating crostini, cacio e pepe, and of course, a glass of chianti. Salute. [when she drinks the wine, the wine pours out of her mouth as it’s open] Now, that’s good vino.

Richard: Looks like that hit the spot.

Tanya: At least some part that got in.

Francine: Mmm, this is a complex wine. Almost as many twists and turns as my roller coaster ride from hell.

Richard: What?

Tanya: I think she I think she compared the wine to all those loop de loops. You know we actually have some video of that.

[cut to a video of a roller coaster running around very fast]

Richard: Yeah. Must be hard to watch, huh Francine?

Francine: What was that? I’m having trouble hearing you over the crispy crunch of my crispy crunchy crostini.

Richard: Alright, well, thanks Francine. Now it’s time for the weather with our very own Jason Burress.

[Cut to Jason. He also has all his hair blown up and his mouth still open like air being blown to it.]

Jason: Hi, guys. Coming in, and it looks like a doozy, all right.

Tanya: Obviously, we forgot to mention that Jason was also trapped on a roller coaster.

Richard: I actually think we have a picture of that.

[There’s a picture of Francine and Jason on a roller coaster]

Tanya: So how’s the weather looking, Jason?

Jason: It’s not good at all. We have snow coming in from the east. Uh huh. We have snow coming in from the west. Snow from the top, yeah. And snow from the bottom. Look, I’m dizzy as hell from the roller coaster ride.

Richard: Well, wait a minute. Something sure smells good.

Tanya: Oh, what are you cooking over there, Francine?

Francine: Just some minestrone soup. Be careful, it’s hot. You got to blow on it.

Jason: Umm, that looks dilicioso. [Francine pours the soup in Jason’s mouth. It gets spilled outside because his mouth is open.] Oh, dilicioso. Yes. It’s great. Dilicioso.

Tanya: Well, I guess you must be pretty hungry after that crazy ride.

Francine: Yes, the only thing we had to eat were the bugs that flew into our open mouths.

Jason: Bugs like bumblebees, cicadas, and one dog sized bat.

Francine: Now, that’s a spicy meatball. Would you care for some spaghetti, Jason?

Jason: Oh yes please. [Francine pouts the spaghetti in Jason’s mouth. It gets spilled outside because his mouth is open.]

Tanya: Oh my god, you guys are so cute together.

Richard: Of course. You probably got real close during your time together on the roller coaster.

Tanya: Wait, what are they doing now?

Richard: But think they’re doing a little lady in the tramp thing. Oh, so romantic.

Tanya: I’m sorry. Francine. Is there something under your shirt?

Francine: Oh, I lmost forgot. Say hello to my little friend. [It’s a bird that stabbed its head into Francine’s stomach]

Richard: Is that a bird kicking his little legs?

Jason: Yes, he flew straight into her stomach at 200 miles an hour.

Francine: The doctors say if I pull it out, both of us will die. Now, back to you guys.

Tanya: All right, coming up next, our exclusive interview with a teenage boy who operated the roller coaster, and why he did nothing to stop it.

Andrew: Two reasons. Too dumb and too high.