Beauty and the Beast The Mirror

Beast… Pete Davidson

Belle… Chloe Fineman

Father… Willem Dafoe

Cogsworth… Kenan Thompson

Lumière… Mikey Day

[Stats with Beauty and the Beast dancing in the castle]

Beast: Belle, are you happy here with me?

Belle: I’m getting used to it.

Beast: What’s wrong?

Belle: If only I could see my father again? Just for a moment.

Beast: Well, perhaps there is a way. This magic mirror will show you anything in the world.

Belle: Anything?

Beast: Yes, Belle. Anything.

Belle: [to mirror] I’d like to see my father please.

[Her father appears in the mirror. He’s getting back to his home.]

Father: Is anybody home? Belle? Belle? Are you here? Hello?

Belle: Oh, calling for me. I knew my father missed me.

Beast: Of course he misses you, Belle. He’d be a fool if he didn’t.

[Father is alone in the house]

Father: Okay, so I’m just double checking. I’m definitely alone then. Nobody here in the cottage except little old me. Crazy old me.

Beast: Oh-oh!

Belle: What?

Beast: Well, it seems like your father really wants to make sure he’s alone.

Belle: Wow, he’s never been by himself before. He’s probably frightened.

Beast: Yeah, I think we’re the ones who should be frightened.

[Father is lighting up the candles]

Father: [humming] This is the best day of my life

Beast: Yep, yep, here we go. He’s lighting all the candles now.

Belle: Maybe he’s cold.

Beast: Nope, not a shot. I know exactly what’s happening here.

Belle: What’s he doing now?

[Father is putting all the pictures of his daughter down]

Father: Don’t look. Don’t. Don’t look at me. Don’t look at me. Don’t look at me. Don’t look at me. [looks at the picture of a horse] Look at me.

Belle: He just seems to be so lost without me.

Beast: Belle, this guy’s not thinking about you at all. And if he is we got bigger problems.

Belle: Oh my God, what’s he doing now?

[Father turns on the music and starts dancing]

Cogsworth: Well, that’s not something you see every day.

Lumière: I’ll tell you one thing. The mirror never disappoints.

Belle: Okay. Well, maybe we should do something else. Anyone want to sing “Be our guest” again? It’s a really, really good song.

Beast: Maybe later. This is some sick stuff.

[Father is spanking himself an dancing]

Mrs. Potts: Oh, I like this, dude. He nasty.

Belle: Okay, okay. I think we’ve seen enough. Anyone else want to look in the mirror?

Lumière: Quiet. The strangest thing of all is happening.

[Father is looking at a photograph]

Father: Oh my lady, look at how I’m carrying on since you’re passing. I just wish swish you were holding me close, kissing my neck, stroking my head, stomping on my groin, spanking my ass, biting my ass. So many wonderful things with my ass.

[throws and breaks the mirror]

Belle: Oops! I broke the mirror. Total accident. Can’t believe it. Anyway, see everyone had dinner. And let’s never talk about this again.

Cogsworth: I can’t believes she broke the mirror.

Beast: Don’t worry guys. I got like Father0 more of those in my room.

Chip: Wait, I don’t understand. What happened in that old man’s quadrant.

Beast: [singing] A tale as old as time

Which is a song I would sing if we had the rights.

ESPNs First Take

Molly Qerim… Chloe Fineman

Stephen A. Smith… Chris Redd

Michael Irvin… Kenan Thompson

Todd Levane… Will Forte

Martin Murphy… Alex Moffat

[Starts with show intro] [Cut to Molly Qerim, Stephen A. Smith and Michael Irvin in their show set]

Molly Qerim: Good morning. What’s going on, everyone? Welcome to “First Take”, ESPN’s home for the hottest sports takes. I’m Molly Qerim, and here with me is the always outspoken Stephen A. Smith.

Stephen A. Smith: Molly! It is fantastic to be here! Absolutely fantastic!

Molly Qerim: And our newest cohost, a man who thought the show needed more passionate energy, Dallas Cowboys legend, Michael Irvin.

Michael Irvin: Okay, Molly, Molly. Uh, Molly, Molly. Stephen A. right here. This– You– Stephen A., you wrong, brother! Okay? It is not fantastic to be here. It is a delicious privilege to put on this suit! You understand? To put on this $6000 tie clip, okay? The thickest one ever made. This is here. This–  What? This–  Whoo! This is special.

Molly Qerim: Okay, uh, want to remind you both that it’s 10 AM, okay? And we have 1 hour and 58 minutes to go. Alright. Let’s start with the Sunday playoff game in Tampa, where Tom Brady’s Buccaneers will take on the red hot LA Rams. Guys, the question everybody is asking, is Tom Brady an exceptional quarterback or very exceptional?

Stephen A. Smith: Now, Molly, I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. I stayed up all night wrestling with it. But today, there is no doubt that Tom Brady is an exceptional quarterback like the great Peyton Manning! And to say anything more would be blasphemy! Period!

Michael Irvin: Excuse me, Stephen A. Tom Brady is very exceptional. Okay? And Peyton Manning? Please! Tom Brady would beat Peyton Manning in a cakewalk. It’d be more than a cakewalk. It would be a cake run.

Stephen A. Smith: Ridiculous.

Michael Irvin: A cake swim and a cake road trip down Highway 95! No man has never, ever seen a cake travel so quickly, period.

Molly Qerim: Okay, guys, people are still letting their coffee kick in, and you already sound like you’ve been hit by a bulldozer of cocaine.

Michael Irvin: Hey. Don’t threaten me with a good time. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Molly Qerim: Okay. To settle this, let’s go to Todd Levane from the fan site Sports Horse. Todd, is Tom Brady exceptional or very exceptional?

Todd Levane: Okay, first of all, everybody, thanks for mounting the Sports Horse. Hold on tight ’cause this bronco bucks. [horse neighs] Okay, Michael, I know you played in the NFL for twelve years. You’re a hall of famer. I just started a website. But you know nothing about football! Thomas Edward Patrick Brady is not exceptional! He’s not very exceptional! He’s clearly very, very exceptional!

Michael Irvin: What? Oh, no, he did not. No, he didn’t.

Todd Levane: Tom Brady plays like he’s always got a chip on his shoulder and his back against the wall, and that’s why he is the supreme dominator of men! He eats planets! And that’s straight from the horse’s mouth! [horse neighs]

Molly Qerim: Okay. Love that passion. But, guys, people have the show on in the background while folding laundry, and you’re scaring them and waking up the baby. Alright, so, let’s talk about it. Does Tom Brady play like his back is against the wall or like there’s a chip on his shoulder?

Stephen A. Smith: Molly, I’ve thought a lot about this question. A lot. I meditated on it. Then I took a monthlong sabbatical! I ate, I prayed, I loved! And then I came back with an answer. And it is indisputable that Tom Brady plays with a chip on his shoulder because when the chips are down, you still got a chip right by your face!

Molly Qerim: Well, to put this in perspective, the Sports Bureau is saying that–

Michael Irvin: M-M-M-Molly, Molly, Molly. Molly. Uh, okay, you the glue, okay, that keeps this show together, but, uh, please shut up. Because I got to scream. Stephen A.! I am not going to sit here and listen to your nonsense! I am going to stand and listen to it while I breathe heavy like a video game character on pause.

Stephen A. Smith: Well, go ahead. All I’m saying…. All I’m saying–

Michael Irvin: Stephen! No! You have offended me as a man. As a father, as a brother, and as a nephew.

Stephen A. Smith: Good.

Michael Irvin: Tom Brady must put his play,  put his– He got to play with his back on the wall! You understand me? That’s open, shut, and locked!

Todd Levane: Yeah, lock it up, Michael! Lock it up and bury it a mile deep in the sea, deep in Davy Jones’ locker, where darkness goes to die! You best start believing in the Sports Horse, Mr. Irvin, ’cause you’re in one! [horse neighs]

Michael Irvin: Thank you, thank you. But Tom Brady has given us more years of quality entertainment than Frank Sinatra himself.

Stephen A. Smith: Oh, my God!

Michael Irvin: What? Am I wrong? Am I wrong?

Stephen A. Smith: Come on! You’re bringing up Frank Sinatra? That is clearly an apples and oranges comparison!

Molly Qerim: Well, and that’s our next big sports question. Guys, apples or oranges?

Stephen A. Smith: Now, Molly, I’ve thought about this question my entire life! I recently had a long heroic battle with COVID. Almost died! I went to the light and I looked at the face of God, and I asked him this very question. Molly, it’s apples.

Michael Irvin: I’m gonna stop you right there, Stephen A. With all due respect, god is wrong. Okay? God does not have this here Super Bowl ring on his finger, so he don’t know the magnificent glory of oranges, alright? Like they say, in America, “It’s as American as orange pie.”

Todd Levane: Oh, please! You’re asking the wrong question! It’s not apples and oranges! It’s asparagus and nickels! End of discussion! Don’t poke the horse! [horse neighs]

Molly Qerim: Well, I am glad we settled that. Still an hour and 55 minutes to go. Alright. Let’s take a break. When we come back, we’ll switch gears and talk to the head of NFL’s new anti-bullying charity, time out for kids, Martin Murphy.

Martin Murphy: Hey, guys, thanks. Delighted to be here. And it’s apples. And anyone who disagrees is a disgusting loser and a moron!

Cinema Classics Gaslight

Reese De’What… Kenan Thomspon

Ingrid Bergman… Kate McKinnon

Charles Boyer… Will Forte

Angela Lansbury… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Cinema Classics on TBS.

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Good evening, and welcome to Cinema Classics. Hi, I’m Reese De’What. If you’ve heard the phrase ‘gaslighting’, you probably know it means to manipulate someone into believing a false reality. But what you may not know is that the phrase originally comes from the 1944 film “Gaslight”, starring Ingrid Bergman as a woman whose husband makes her believe she’s going insane by slowly dimming the gas fueled lights around her and then denying it. Why does he do this? I do not know. And I’m bad at guessing. When my wife asked me to guess what she was making for dinner, and I said, “I don’t know, a mess?” Worst welcome home from prison ever. Hers. Let’s watch a scene from “Gaslight” now where Charles Boyer as the evil husband tries to make Bergman believe she’s insane.

[Cut to clip from the movie. Ingrid is playing Paula and Charles is playing her husband Gregory.]

Gregory: Paula, I’ve tried so hard to keep the fact that you have lost your mind a secret. But now I’m afraid all of London knows it.

Paula: Gregory, no. I’m not insane. Look, every night the gas lights, they go dimmer.

Gregory: No they don’t.

Paula: They don’t? Well, look. It’s just a tiny flame.

Gregory: Oh, my cuckoo darling. In the week and a half you’ve known me, have I ever lied to you?

Paula: I guess not. But human me. Turn the gas lights up as high as they’ll go. Please, for me.

Gregory: Alright. All the way up. [turns the light off] There you go.

Paula: And that was up? ‘Cause to me that seemed like not up.

Gregory: And I hope you’re happy, our gas bill is going to be insane. Just like your brain. And I’m afraid it’s membranous as well.

Paula: Oh no. I don’t know up from down. The next thing you’ll tell me is that this isn’t a book.

Gregory: No, Paula. That’s a rat.

Paula: It is? I’ve been reading rats all these years? Oh no, am I really that mad? I set a goal for myself a reading a rat a month.

Gregory: Paula, calm yourself and play with the puppy I gave you.

[Gregory gives Paula a rock.]

Paula: Okay.

[Cut back to Reese De’What]

Reese De’What: Yikes! You know, in my house gaslighting is when I strike a match after my wife blast went out under the blankets. Let’s watch another scene as Gregory drives Paula even further into delusion with the help of a surly maid, played by a Reese De’What8 year old Angela Lansbury.

[Cut to Paula and Gregory dining him their home. Angela Lansbury is playing the maid.]

Gregory: Oh, Gregory. Do you regret marrying a crazy cuckoo bird of a woman who belongs in a hotel for nuts?

Paula: Paula, please stop. Now, just try to enjoy your steak.

Maid: That’s right, mum. Eat your little steak.

[Maid gives Paula a pineapple]

Paula: Dude, I don’t care how crazy I am. This is a pineapple.

Maid: No, mum. It’s the rib, just like the one he’s eating. Dig in.

Paula: Okay, I feel like maybe you’re like, trying to drive me mad.

Gregory: No one is trying to drive you mad. What do you want me to do? [pulls out a book] Swear on this Bible?

Paula: Okay, so now– Okay, so this says “How to gaslight your wife by Gregory”. [That’s the title of that book]

Gregory: Paula, stop. I love you.

Paula: Well, I don’t feel love. You don’t even kiss me anymore.

Gregory: Then kiss you I shall.

[Gregory stands and goes up to Maid and kisses her]

Paula: Okay, yeah, appreciate you kiss her, the Reese De’What8 year old.

Gregory: No, I kissed you. Watch, I’ll do it again.

Paula: No, no. I won’t let you gaslight me any longer. In fact, maybe I’ll gaslight you. That shiny tie you’re wearing, it’s a steak. Ha-ha.

Gregory: It’s a tie.

Paula: Oh, dammit. I guess I’m better at it. Well, at least I know the truth now. I can’t believe you told me it was nine inches and I said oh lucky me.

Gregory: It is!

[Cut back to Reese De’What]

Reese De’What: Wow. So now we know what gaslighting is. Kinda like when my wife– What? She’s on the phone? Right now? Oh, that’s not good. For Cinema Classics. I have been Reese De’What?

HipHop Nativity

Kitty… Heidi Gardner

Neely… Billy Eilish

Chris Redd

Joseph…Kyle Mooney

Bowen Yang

Baby Jesus… Andrerw Dismukes

Mary… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with a rehearsal of Hip-Hop Nativity]

Kitty: Hey, hi. Is all nativity cast present?

Cast: Yes, miss Kitty.

Kitty: Right. First and only pageant rehearsal, y’all. I need you to bring your A game.

Kitty: Okay, so here’s the deal, okay guys? Times are changing. We can’t do the normal, boring pageant thing this year.

Kitty: Too old school, too Boomer. Okay? This year, we’re switching it up.

Kitty: Okay. That’s right. And lucky for you guys, Neely and I took it upon ourselves to learn all of hip-hop.

Chris: I’m sorry, you learned all of hip hop?

Kitty: Correct. And it’s gonna be a freeform hip hop, live nativity.

Kitty: Okay, so let’s get started with rehearsal. We got a lot of hip hop to teach you, okay? Now where’s our Joseph?

Joseph: : Right here, Miss Kitty.

Kitty: Okay, Joseph. So, now you’re gonna enter with a pimp walk.

Joseph: A what?

Kitty: A pimp walk. Here, Neely and I will show you. Play the tracks, sweetie.

[music playing] [Kitty and Kitty start doing the pimp walk]

Kitty: A pimp walk, a pimp walk. A pimp walk, a pimp walk. And you’re gonna work it down here. Yeah, it’s okay. Because hip hop is low in the body.

Kitty: Y’all are up here, but hip hop is down here. Hey, the streets are in the knees, okay?

Chris: Oh, are they now?

Kitty: Yeah, coz you know what? It’s walk, and it’s walk. And it’s, “I’m Joseph. I’m a baby daddy now. So, I pimp walk. I pimp walk.” There, go, do it.

Joseph: okay, so like… [starts doing pimp walk]

Kitty: Pimp walk.

Kitty: Come on. Pimp walk.

Kitty: Pimp walk.

Kitty: Pimp walk.

Kitty: Pimp walk. Yeah. Pimp walk’s getting there. The pimp walk’s getting there. Okay. Baby, go to the corner freight so long, keep pimp walking.

Chris: Yeah. To just face the wall?

Kitty: Yeah.

Chris: Okay.

Kitty: Pimp walk.

Kitty: Where are my donkeys at?

Chris: By all means, teach me hip hop, please.

Kitty: Okay, so, you three are going to follow Joseph out. Okay, not up here, this is country music. Okay, down here, this is hip hop. And when you land I want booty booty.

Bowen: Don’t you mean ass?

Kitty: That is not funny. Watch me pop my butt, okay? Can everybody see my butt?

Kitty: Okay, can you see that? Can you see that pop? It’s a hip pop. It’s a trot, trot, hop. And you feel it in your hook. Okay? So, trot, trot, hop. Trot, trot, hop. Trot, trot, hop. And just straight donkey Christmas, hip-pop, pop, pop.

Chris: How is no one filming this?

Baby Jesus: Hey, sorry. Just throwing this out there but I’d be totally cool just doing what we practiced. You know, ditching the whole freeform Hip Hop thing.

Kitty: Oh, Baby Jesus, please. Please just focus on your twerking.

Baby Jesus: Excuse me? Twerking?

Kitty: Okay, come here. Donkeys, pop over there. Okay, baby. Are you in your diaper?

Baby Jesus: I mean, yeah.

Kitty: Drop robe. Let’s go.

[Baby Jesus opens his robe. He’s wearing a diaper.]

Kitty: Oh, Jesus, Mary and Juliana Margulies. Honey, do you not have a butt? We got to make him a butt quick.

[Kitty and Kitty bring some hays and put inside his diaper.]

Baby Jesus: Hold on. No, I don’t want to twerk. I don’t want to twerk. I’m playing a baby. Hey! Cut it out!

Kitty: We’ll make you a butt, baby.

Baby Jesus: No, I don’t need one.

Kitty: Listen, Baby Jesus can do anything now, wring it out. Go, twerk son.

[Baby Jesus starts twerking]

Kitty: Oh, wow. He can actually twerk.

Kitty: It’s a miracle. Now, where’s my Mary’s? Where’s Mary?

[Mary runs in]

Kitty: How comfortable are you on a stripper pole, sweetie?

Mary: Um. I’m not sure.

Kitty: Wrong answer.

Kitty: Alright, I’ll do it. Mary go grind on the wall. Alright, drops the beat. Get my Joseph in pimp walk.

Joseph: Best Christmas, ya’ll!

Kitty: Donkey, start popping. Oh, yes! And Baby J, shaking like a rattle.

Kitty: [dancing on the pole] Praise him. Praise Baby Jesus!

Kitty: Oh my goodness! I think we might have ourselves a Christmas show!

Fauci Holiday Message Cold Open

Anthony Fauci… Kate McKinnon

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Mikey Day

Heidi Gardner

Bowen Yang

Ego Nwodim

Santa… Kyle Mooney

Melissa Villaseñor

Andrew Cuomo… Pete Davidson

Chris Cuomo… Andrew Dismukes

Lauren Boebert… Chloe Fineman

Marjorie Taylor Greene… Cecily Strong

[Starts with intro]

Male voice: And now a holiday message from Dr. Anthony Fauci.

[Cut to Anthony Fauci] [cheers and applause]

Anthony Fauci: I’m back. Hello. Hi. Hi, everyone, it’s me Dr. Fauci. Do people still think I’m sexy? Or are we done with that? When people see me on TV, they think, “Oh, this can’t be good.” And the children think, “Wow, that Elf on the Shelf got old.”

Anyway, anyway. As you probably heard there is an Omicron wave sweeping the globe. Some experts feared the Omicron variant would be vaccine resistance, kind of like, I don’t know, 40% of Americans. More recent data suggests that if you had a vaccine and a booster, you should be pretty well protected. So if that’s you, I’d like to officially say unclench. With COVID cases on the rise, people still have a lot of questions. Is it safe to travel? Can I still use this as an excuse to get out of stuff? I would like to never work again. So, to help answer these queries, I once again invited members of the CDC to act out various holiday scenelets. So, please keep in mind, they’re not professional actors. They’re simply nerds who are trying their best. And then now the CDC players present going to a restaurant.

Mikey: Hi, I’d like to eat Christmas dinner at your restaurant, please.

Heidi: Sir, I just need to see your vaccination card.

Mikey: I actually can’t find it.

Heidi: You mean you lost the little one inch piece of cardboard they gave you?

Mikey: I’m afraid so.

Heidi: Then you are banished from society. Have fun living in the woods.

Mikey: Okay! And scene.

Anthony Fauci: No, no, no. That’s not right. You can get a replacement card… I think. The important thing is to get vaccinated. And if you’re vaccinated get boosted. And if you’re boosted, maybe want a little top off, a little splash. Anyway, let’s hope this next scene goes better. It’s called Mile High Christmas.

Bowen: Stewardess, I’m traveling home for the holidays, and I’m scared that I’ll get COVID on the airplane.

Ego: Don’t be. Air travel is fairly low risk.

Bowen: Great. I also heard girls can’t get pregnant in the sky. Is that true?

Ego: I don’t know, king. Let’s find out.

Anthony Fauci: No, no, no. That’s not true. That’s not even how sex works. Unless something’s changed. I guess people got pretty lonely during COVID, huh? Yeah, yeah. Now, let’s take a look at how Christmas traditions might look a little different this year in visiting center at the mall.

Santa: Ho, ho, ho. What would you like for Christmas, little girl?

Melissa: Well, Santa… [trying to sit on Santa’s lap]

Santa: Sorry, you can’t sit on my lap anymore. Thanks to the vaccine. My testicles have ballooned in size.

Melissa: Really?

Santa: Yes. They’re as big as grapes now.

Anthony Fauci: Stop! No, no, no, no. That’s just a conspiracy theory. And I am concerned about that particular man. Now, of course, the pandemic has also affected people economically. Keep that in mind as you watch this next scene, two unemployed brothers on Christmas Day.

Andrew Cuomo: Hello, I am disgraced former New York Governor, Andrew Cuomo.

Chris Cuomo: And I’m disgraced former CNN host Chris Cuomo.
Andrew Cuomo: And we both lost our jobs because of COVID.

Anthony Fauci: That’s not why. That’s not why you lost your jobs. Unfortunate, those were not the last public figures you’ll see tonight because when it comes to acting deeply offended about something minor, some of our most gifted performance these days come not from Hollywood but from congress, including the ladies in this next scene Christmas truths.

Lauren Boebert: Hi, I’m Lauren Boebert. And she’s Marjorie Taylor Greene.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: It’s pronounced Gan. The government has been using this fake disease to strip us of our freedom. Do they think we’re dumb?

Lauren Boebert: Please! Would they give a dumb person a gun? Yes.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: First, they said the shutdowns were until they found a vaccine. Then they found a vaccine and said it worked. Then they said everyone should get it. Then people got it and it saved their lives. If that’s not communism, then honey, I might not know what communism is.

Lauren Boebert: So, Merry Christmas. And remember, guns don’t kill people. People, people, people.

Anthony Fauci: Not helpful. No, no. Alright, here’s the truth guys. We are still in the midst of a pandemic. And that’s not going to change just because we all wished it would go away.

[Ted Cruz walks in]

Ted Cruz: Did somebody say wish it would go away?

Anthony Fauci: Not you. Not you.

Ted Cruz: That’s right. It’s me. The weirdo with the beardo, Ted Cruz.

Anthony Fauci: Ted, what are you doing here?

Ted Cruz: Hey, if you’re sick of seeing me, imagine how sick I am of being me.

Anthony Fauci: So Cruz, how are you handling the pandemic?

Ted Cruz: Oh, textbook bad. This week, I was the one not wearing a mask at Bob Dole’s funeral. Now, you may remember when I ran for President in 2016, Bob Dole said that nobody likes me. And this week, I got him back by not being infectious. But just imagine him looking down at your own funeral and the only face you can see is mine!

Anthony Fauci: That’s disturbing. Well, I think we all learned a lot today. Clearly, this country is divided but I think we can all agree on at least a few things. We all want to spend time together with our families.

Ted Cruz: Or run it back solo to Cancún.

Anthony Fauci: We all want our loved ones to be safe and happy and healthy.

Andrew Cuomo: Family is all we have.

Chris Cuomo: Yeah, as of two weeks ago.

Anthony Fauci: Now, that’s the Christmas spirit. See? We already found some common ground.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: And we can all agree that the Fox News Christmas tree arsonists must be executed.

Anthony Fauci: Maybe not.

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Karaoke AllStars

Misty… Chloe Fineman

Rob… Kenan Thompson

Bowen Yang

Ego Nwodim

Neal… Pete Davidson

Finance Guy… Simu Liu

[Starts with channel intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Wilmington Cable Access. Up next is Karaoke Recap.

[Cut to Karaoke Recap show. Misty and Rob are at the bar singing and dancing.]

Misty: [singing] I found you miss new booty
get it together and bring it back to me.
Whoo!

Hello. Wow, welcome to karaoke recap here at Bixbie’s Bar and Grill in Wilmington, North Carolina.

Rob: Yes, thank you for coming to my bar. It’s been a long week of drunken singing.

Misty: And we’re just going to show you some of the highlights. Some of y’all sounded like a regular Jesse Timbre-cake. I’m your host, Mr. Barefoot, along with Bixbie’s owner Rob, who has an announcement.

Rob: Oh, yeah. Just a reminder. This equipment is rented. Karaoke rule number one, you must respect the microphone. Do not tap the mic. Do not swing the mic. If you drop the mic, I will drop you.

Misty: Thank you, baby. Now it’s time for our favorite segment, karaoke all stars where we look back at the week’s most special performances.

Rob: Let’s start with our bad choice all stars. These are folks who just picked the wrong song.

Misty: First up, Guy who was doing great until the high notes came in.

[Cut to Bowen singing]

Bowen: [singing] take on me oh no

[he sings worse with high notes]

take me up, help me
I’ll be gone

Rob: Let’s not forget woman who’s been overserved singing “Su Soppa Layla”.

Ego: [singing] Su Soppa Layla
Su Soppa Layla
Su Soppa Layla
Su mama mayja

Rob: Isn’t that a little loose with that Mike? If it breaks I gotta go to get a new one from Radio Shack. You know how hard it is to find a Radio Shack these days? A store whose number one seller is wires?

Misty: Oh, Rob. Your little grumpy. Alright, our next Karoake all star is someone who comes here by himself and always does the same song. It’s mad world by Neal, the quite guy in the hoodie.

Neal: [singing very bad] All around me are familiar faces
worn out places
worn out faces

Misty: You know, I gotta be honest, that guy’s given off real Columbine vibes.

Rob: Alright. Let’s keep going with our next All Star, guy who must have chosen the wrong song. But wait a second.

Chris: Yo yo, yo, check it
must know the beat y’all
Y’all know what it is, ha-ha-ha

[singing bad] Since you’ve been gone
I can’t breathe for the first time

Misty: Um, man. He was so talented. Man, he was better than Justin Bubay.

Rob: Justin?

Misty: Bubay. You know him? He’s sung that “Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy”.

Rob: Oh, Justin Bieber. Misty, I love you but you’re starting to worry me. Let’s move on to tonight’s cringe all stars.

Misty: Oh, these are the rough ones. Okay. First we have couple who thought it’d be fun to sing like Homer and Marge Simpson.

[Cut to a couple singing line Homer Simpson and Marge Simpson.]

Rob: It’s not really music. It’s not really music. It’s not really comedy. It’s basically nothing. Speaking of nothing, our next all stars are two German tourists trying their best.

[a couple singing in German accent]

Misty: Yeah. I don’t know what they said but I did like her energy. I did.

Rob: Our next cringe all star comes here every weekend straight from the office. It’s finance bro trying to get laid.

Finance Guy: What’s up? This one’s dedicated to all the ladies in the house. I don’t like the song, but I know you do.

[singing] You are my fire
the one desire
believe I make a lot of money, when I say
I began the dogecoin, I want it that way
tell me why…

Misty: I’m gonna say it makes me regret sleeping with him those seven times.

Rob: Alright, time to look back at our cringy all stars, my Pony by Ginuwine sung by a father and daughter.

[Cut to a father and daughter singing]

Daughter: If you’re horny, let’s do it 

Father: Ride it, my pony

Daughter: You’re doing great, dad.

Father: You too, hun.

Rob: Yeah. Um, you can’t unsee that.

Misty: No you can’t. No you can’t. Alright, time for our final karaoke all star. It’s girl who claims her friend signed her up but we all know the truth.

[Cecily walks in acting shy]

Cecily: Jessica? No. Who put my name in? You guys. I don’t even know what song you picked. Are you serious? Jessica? What–

[suddenly begins to sing]

And I will always love you

Jessica, seriously?

Rob: Well, that’s it. That’s it for this week’s karaoke recap. Take us out Misty.

Misty: [singing] I found you miss new booty
get it together and bring it back to me.

Jeanine Pirro Cold Open

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Bruce Schroeder… Mikey Day

Sandara Cummings… Chloe Fineman

Samuel Fields… Chris Redd

Kevin McCarthy… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with show intro] [Cut to Jeanine Pirro in her set.]

Jeanine Pirro: Good evening, I’m Judge Jeanine Pirro. And if anyone watching is wearing a hearing aid, sorry, you’re dead now. On top Story, Kyle Rittenhouse was acquitted of all charges. That lovable scamp was put through a nightmare of a trial just for doing the bravest thing any American can do, protecting an empty use car lot in someone else’s town. Now, on to our first guest. He’s as impartial as a dance mom clapping harder than anyone. Please welcome Judge Bruce Schroeder.

Bruce Schroeder: Thank you. Thank you. It’s a pleasure to be here with a fellow judge.

Jeanine Pirro: Oh, well, thank you for acknowledging my expertise. You may remember that I was in charge of investigating Robert Durst for murder back in 83. Wow, folks, 30 years and one additional murder later we got him. Now, if I may say judge to judge, what turned me on the most was how you ruled that courtroom with an iron fist. Tell us how you did it.

Bruce Schroeder: Well, it was all standard procedure. That’s why I ordered that the prosecution not use the word victims. They were rioters and they weren’t shocked. They were gadoinked! But that did not give my client an unfair advantage in any way.

Jeanine Pirro: You said my client. Do you mean the defendant?

Bruce Schroeder: Oh, yeah, sure. I keep doing it.

Jeanine Pirro: Well, you do you, judge. You do you. Thanks for coming. Predictably, the loony liberal outrage machines in overdrive. And you know how much we love liberal tears around here. So, I decided to invite two of them here tonight. Please welcome legal analysts for nasty NPR, Sandra Cummings, and Professor of Law at Howard University, Samuel fields. Welcome to the show.

Sandara Cummings: We were told you invited us in the interest of fairness.

Jeanine Pirro: And you fell for it. That’s our new dumb dumb. Sandra, were you surprised by yesterday’s verdict?

Sandara Cummings: Surprised that he was exonerated on all charges? That’s putting it mildly. I was shocked.

Samuel Fields: You were? Because I wasn’t.

Sandara Cummings: I’ve never seen anything like it before.

Samuel Fields: I have. Many, many times.

Sandara Cummings: I mean, this is not who we are.

Samuel Fields: I feel like it kinda is though.

Sandara Cummings: And all this does is send the message that any American can just prowl the streets with an AK-47.

Samuel Fields: Any American? I think you’re missing a keyword there.

Sandara Cummings: All we can hope for is that at this point is that this will be a call to finally change the system.

Samuel Fields: And that call will go right to voicemail and the mailbox is full.

Jeanine Pirro: Wow. Very interesting. Well, your segments’ over and my mug is empty. [the mug has ‘Liberal Tears’ written on it] So, you gotta go. Now on a more inspiring note, Kevin McCarthy rocked the house down with his awe inspiring eight hour tirade against the build back better bill, demonstrating why the filibuster is vital to our democracy. Let’s take a look at our six of his rhetorical masterpiece.

[Cut to Kevin McCarthy speaking]

Kevin McCarthy: The Democrats are trying to flip this thing around. [does the bottle flip but the bottle falls] Excuse me. Democrats trying to flip this thing around. [does the bottle flip but the bottle falls again. Excuse me. Flip it around. [does the bottle flip but the bottle falls again] Okay. I could do it before.

Jeanine Pirro: And that brave man stops the build back better bill from being passed u…ntil the next day when it passed in two minutes. Meanwhile, what was President Brandon doing? Getting socialized Buck play paid for by your tax dollars. Now Democrats are praising passed out Joe for his big deal infrastructure bill. But where’s the thanks for the real Muchacho who got this done? Please welcome [pointing at herself] this people’s sexiest man alive, President Donald J. Trump.

Donald Trump: Thank you very much, Jadice. Wonderful to be here.

Jeanine Pirro Now, I know you have a lot of thoughts on the infrastructure bill. So, if it’s okay, I’m just gonna let you riff while I sit here and get absolutely rock hard.

Donald Trump: Well, you know, I’m glad you brought up that terrible bill because the truth is nobody did more for infrastructure than me. And meople are saying…  and you know what? Meple of course are people who are me. They’re saying I built it back even… You know what? I think even a little bit better because I did wall, okay? Big, beautiful wall. It’s not just well, because when you put wall down through a grassy field, frankly, that’s road. And if you take wall and lay it across the river frankly, Jeanie, we’re doing bridge.

Jeanine Pirro: Wow. I imagining.

Donald Trump: You know what? Can I get 60 seconds on the clock, please? Because this bill is… You know what? Sleepy Joe Biden is such a disaster. We’re coming back. We’re coming back in 2024. We’re doing the reboot, okay? Everyone loves reboots. People loved it before. They’re gonna like it again. Okay. Just like iCarly. Just like iCarly. But not all reboots are good. Okay, Joe Biden tried to reboot Obama and it flopped. Okay? It flopped really bad just like the female Ghostbusters. Speaking of Girl, why did that– Why did they reboot Gossip Girl? Why the hell? You simply can’t match. You cannot match the electricity of Chuck Bass and Blair Waldorf.  You know, there were times when Blair was a bad friend to Serena and sometimes… You know what? This was true. Sometimes Serena was the bad friend of Blair.

Jeanine Pirro: [crushing over Donald Trump] Oh, oh, I hope this never ends.

Donald Trump: Alright. Can I get 60 More seconds? You know what? Why don’t we try a word search this time. Can we make it word search? I’d love it if it was word search. And you know what? I was treated very unfairly by Chris Christie. He was very nasty and he said very nasty things about me on Bill Maher. And you know what? Boy Chris? I mean, we love him. He’s a wonderful person. But you know what? We don’t like him very much. I think we hate him. And you know? Boy, Chris wasn’t even the main interview. He had to sit on the panel with all the other dogs and watch bill do the new rules. And you know what? Speaking of new rules, Dua Lipa is one of our best. Frankly, in terms of singer you can’t do better than Dua Lipa. But you know what? Her husband, who is not very attractive. You know what? It’s terrible what they’re doing with Dua Lipa’s husband not being attractive. We have to do something about it. She’s tall. She’s Albanian which is basically white. And you know who else is white? Bob the Builder. BUILD THE WALL Trump 2024.

Jeanine Pirro: Wow, we found all the words. And that’s BINGO baby. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night. ladies and gentlemen thank you very much.

 

Ted Cruz Sesame Street Cold Open

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Marjorie Taylor Greene… Cecily Strong

Big Bird… Kyle Mooney

Joe Rogan… Pete Davidson

Ernie… Mikey Day

Bert… Alex Moffat

Oscar…Chris Redd

Dracula… Aristotle Athari

Britney Spears… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with channel intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Newsmax kids. At one it’s White Power Ranger. But first, it’s Ted Cruz Street.

[Cut to Ted Cruz standing in front of a door.]

Ted Cruz: Hello. Hello, I’m Texas senator and the last one invited to Thanksgiving, Ted Cruz. You know, for Ernie0 years I stood by Sesame Street, taught our children dangerous ideas like numbers and kindness. But when Big Bird told children to get vaccinated against deadly disease, I said, “Enough!”. And I created my own Sesame Street called Cruz Street. It’s a gated community where kids are safe from the World Government. Tell them kids.

[There are three kids who are singing]

Kids: Cruzy days
sweeping the libs away
and he hopes you’ll say

that his beard looks sweet

Ted Cruz: Grab an eagle and a gun

Kids: Bring that gun to cruz street

[Marjorie Taylor Greene walks in with a rifle]

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Did someone say bring gun?

Ted Cruz: Oh. Marjorie Taylor Greene. What are you doing here?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: I’m just taking a break from releasing the phone numbers of Republicans who voted for the infrastructure bill so they and their families get death threats. And I thought I’d stop by. Here kid, you want to hold the AR-Ted CruzErnie?

Andrew: I don’t think I should.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Pussy.

Ted Cruz: And I hear you have a word from our sponsor.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: That’s right. Today’s episode is brought to you by Q. Not the letter, the man. He will tell us when JFK Jr. who is alive will reveal himself and help President Trump reclaim his rightful throne.

Ted Cruz: Everything about that sounds right. Thanks, Marjorie.

Marjorie Taylor Greene:  I represent America.

Ted Cruz: Now, as you know, I was mocked for attacking Big Bird on Twitter, simply because I’m a human senator and he is an eight foot tall fictional bird. But let’s see what happened to Big Bird after he got the vaccine.

[Big Bird walks in. It’s a guy wearing yellow bird costume]

Big Bird: Oh, man. I don’t feel too good.

Ted Cruz: Wow. So this is what happened to you a week after you got the vaccine?

Big Bird: It sure is. My feathers fell out. My nuts got huge. And my joints don’t work. It’s real bad man.

Ted Cruz: Well, don’t worry. I read online that you can take a bath in Borax, and that will cleanse you have any nanotechnology?

Andrew: You’re sure, Senator Cruz? That sounds kind of dumb.

Ted Cruz: No. You’re dumb. Borax is cool.

Big Bird: Maybe the vaccine gave me COVID.

Ted Cruz: Yes, yes, that sounds correct. Let’s ask our resident medical expert, Joe Rogan.

[Joe Rogan walks in eating chips]

Joe Rogan: Yes, that’s right. I used to host Fear Factor and now doctors fear me.

Big Bird: Can you help me, Joe?

Joe Rogan: Oh, sure thing Big Bird. You see, I took Carlos Mencia down. I can take COVID. Here some zinc, and ayahuasca and some horse medicine.

Big Bird: But why would a bird take horse medicine?

Joe Rogan: I’m a human and I took horse medicine. And I’m speaking of things that are a horse like. Today’s two sponsors are the letters S and D as in I can S my own D.

Bowen: Oh my god. Isn’t this for kids?

Andrew: No one under 65 watches.

Melissa: I’m almost 30.

Ted Cruz: Thanks, Joe Rogan. But S and D aren’t the only letters we’re talking about today. There’s also three terrible letters C, R and T. Critical Race Theory. And I think it stands for Caucasian Rights Trampled. That’s why the proud boys have been invading school board meetings to keep CRT out of our classrooms. Please welcome to have the proud boys, Bert and Ernie.

[Ernie and Bert walk in]

Ernie: Hi. Hi, Ted.

Bert: And yeah, we are out and proud.

Ted Cruz: That’s right. They are out there every day proudly fighting the progressive agenda.

Ernie: Our relationship has progressed a bit.

Bert: We got engaged. [showing their rings] Ha-ha-ha.

Ted Cruz: Engaged in a battle against the tyranny of wokers.

Ernie: Hey, Bert, let’s go take a bath.

[Ernie and Bert leave]

Ted Cruz: Their girlfriends are very lucky. Now another danger facing our country is the Democrats new social safety net bill.

[Oscar comes out of trash can. He’s wearing Grinch costume.]

Oscar: Did somebody say free money?

Ted Cruz: Uh-oh, it’s been Nemesis Oscar the slouch. He’s been trained by the Democrats to suck up the the government.

Oscar: That’s right. Papa Joe Biden gave me so many STEMIs, I decided to quit working and live in this trash can. Now you all work hard and Biden gives me your money.

Ted Cruz: Wow. And you have no shame about that?

Oscar: Um-um. I’m proud of it. I’m a ward of the state. I use your tax money on drugs and pornography.

Ted Cruz: At least he admitted it. All Democrats are him. Let’s take a quick break. And when we return we’ll find out how Trump definitely won the election with the recount count.

[ A guys walks in Dracula custume.]

Dracula: I’m moving to Arizona.

Ted Cruz: And don’t miss our Word of the day, Freedom, with Miss Britney Spears.

[Britney Spears walks in dancing]

Britney Spears: Oh my god, you guys. We did it.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

March of the Suitors

Assistant… Mikey Day

Queen… Chloe Fineman

Thomas… Kyle Mooney

Rafi… Andrew Dismukes

Josephine… Cecily Strong

Milk Maker… Heidi Gardener

Lady Eloise… Aidy Gardner

Prince Harwey… Jonathan Majors

Archanbald… Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Tawnie… Punkie Johnson

[Starts with channel intro]

Male voice: You’re watching the History Channel. At nine it’s “Pardon My Reich: Hitler’s Personal Waiters”. Now we return to “Forgotten Monarchs”.

Male voice: Queen Matilda the First assumed the throne at the age of 19. Within days of a coronation, the search for husband began with a tradition known as the march of the suitors.

[Cut to queen with her assistants.]

Assistant: My queen, men of both noble and common blood have come from far and wide to win your hand. Are you ready to greet your suitors?

Queen: Um, sure.

Assistant: The Queen says sure. [claps] And now let the march begin. First, oh dear, how uncomfortable my leash, presenting the Queen’s guy friend who’s in love with her, but she doesn’t like him in that way. Thomas of Sneed Lo.

[Thomas walks in]

Thomas: Wow, you look gorgeous

Queen: I told you Thomas. I don’t like you like that.

Thomas: At least tell me what I could change about myself for you to consider marrying me.

Queen: I mean, literally all of it.

Thomas: Okay, I can work with that. Hey, remember our inside joke? Strawberry food.

Queen: No. Thomas. Please just go.

Assistant: No. Next, oh, a commoner my leash. Presenting peasant boy Rafi Buckets and his dirty mother Josephine Buckets.

[Rafi Buckets and his mother walk in]

Josephine: Well, I will not tell you, miss. My son Rafi I know so much. He poor and dumb and filthy. But this idiot got a huge sausage. We figure it out when he wasn’t even born. Alright, the milk maker too. She’s seen it.

Milk Maker: It’s crazy, my lady. Thank you, my lady.

Josephine: Do you wanna take a peek? Drop your pants loose, boy. Show him.

Lady Eloise: Oh! Behold! The new king of England!

Queen: No. No. No. No. It takes more than that to win my heart. Farewell.

Lady Eloise: My grace. No one has more than that.

Assistant: Lady Eloise! Next from the Moroccan shores, presenting the mighty warrior Prince, Harwey, the conqueror.

[Prince Harwey walks in with Archanbald playing the drums]

Archanbald: All hail. Prince Harwey.

Prince Harwey: Your Majesty. As your king, I will spoil you with Rich’s, loyalty and of course, pleasure.

Archanbald: Prince Harwey, the great satisfier of women.

TawnieEgo: I’ll be damned. I’m sorry, your Highness. This isn’t a rich Prince. This is my dumbass husband, Dave. A two cans salesman with six kids.

Assistant: Shall I send them away my leash?

Queen: No. Let them say. I love the drama.

Ego: So, what’s up Dave? You got a seven year itch? So you’re joining the march of the damn suttas? Dressed up in a stupid ass BONE ARMOR and get your idiot best friend and bang a drum and call you mighty Prince Harwey?

Archanbald: Um, Prince Harwey?

Ego: Shut up, Archanbald. What the hell are you doing Dave?

Prince Harwey: Being stupid.

Ego: Yeah, being stupid. That’s all you have to say?

Prince Harwey: You look pretty.

Ego: Boy, shut up. We’re going home prince Who-Ha, great satisfier of women. This way. I’m gonna satisfy really.

Assistant: My leash. Next, presenting lady Tawnie of Milford Shile.

[Tawnie walks in]

Tawnie: Love. I noticed a long shot but I thought, “Hey, you know, this girl cute as hell, man.” I might as well just moss my lazy ass all down to the castle and see if she down to clown around.

Queen: I know I like boys. But whenever I have wine I always end up making out with my girlfriends.

Lady Eloise: She does. It’s a thing.

Queen: So, come to the world feasts tonight and we’ll see what happens. Yeah?

Tawnie: Well, this day just got nuts.

Male voice: When we return the story of Mad Queen Tawnie The Terrible

Man Park

Pete Davidson

Ego Nwodim

Alex Moffat

Heidi Gardner

Sarah Sherman

Chloe Fineman

Kyle Mooney

James Austin Johnson

Aristotle Athari

[Starts with 1 sitting on a couch at his home]

Female voice: According to studies, many men say they have no close friendships. [2 walks in the door] And three and four report receiving all their emotional support from their wife or girlfriend. Often the moment they come home from work.

[Pete walks to Ego]

Pete: Hi, how are you? I miss you. Am I balding? Dune?

Ego: Okay, cool. Hi, honey.

Pete: Vin Diesel has a twin brother.

Ego: Oh, honey.

[Cut to Alex an Heidi]

Heidi: When I walk in the door, my husband sort of rockets information at me for 25 minutes straight.

[cut to Alex talking to Heidi]

Alex: On a football team there’s 11 players, but with rugby there’s 15.

Heidi: And all the words come out fast and in the wrong order, because he hasn’t spoken to anyone else that day.

Ego: [to Pete] I need you to go out of the house and make a friend so you talk to other people about this stuff. And not just me.

Pete: That’s insane. Where would I even go?

Female voice: Finally, there’s a place. With Man Park, it’s like a dog park but for guys in relationships, so they can make friends and have an outlet besides their girlfriends and wives.

[Pete walks to Alex in the park]

Pete: Rise and grind?

Alex: Rise and grind.

[they shake their hands]

Pete: [to other men] Rise and grind brother.

[Ego and Heidi looking at their husbands happily]

Ego: They’re networking.

Heidi: They’re doing so good.

Sarah: [to Chloe] Which one’s yours?

Chloe: He’s a little shy. [pointing at her husband. He’s hiding under the table.] Go say hi.

Female voice: It’s not their fault masculinity makes intimacy so hard.

Chloe: [whispering to Kyle] You got this.

[Kyle walks to other men]

Kyle: Marvel?

Alex: Marvel.
James: Marvel.

Kyle: Marvel?

Alex: Marvel.

James: Marvel.

[they start saying “Marvel” happily with each other.]

Female voice: We know not all men get along. So, there are separate parks for large breeds.

Alex: Pats.

James: Raven.

Alex: Pats.

James: Raven.

Alex: Pats.

James: Raven.

Female voice: And small breeds.

Pete: Rick.

Andrew: Morty.

Pete: Rick.

Andrew: Morty.

Pete: Rick.

Andrew: Morty.

Female voice: There’s room for all their favorite male bonding activities.

Men singing: Coz I miss the bright side

Female voice: And after they run around and yell, they can cool down with an IPA and really connect real talk.

Andrew: Real talk. Who’s the GOAT?? Michael Jordan? OR Tom Brady?

Aristotle: How about Bo Burnham?

[Andrew drops his glass of beer]

Andrew: Will you be my best man?

Melissa: You’re not even engaged yet.

Ego: I’m so glad he has someone else to talk to.

Pete: Hey, hey, did you know Vin Diesel has a twin brother?

Alex: What? Amazing!

Ego: Why is that what they’re talking about?

Heidi: Men are taught that it’s weak to rely on each other. So, I guess in that way, and don’t quote me on this, It’s harder to be a man. Wait, no. Is this filming don’t show my face saying that.

Male voice: Man Park. Ladies get in free.