Tag: Chris Redd

Love Island

Grace … Cecily Strong

Bella Rosa… Phoebe Waller-Bridge

Charlie … Alex Moffat

Siobhan … Chloe Fineman

Finlay … Beck Bennett

Chris Redd

Mackenzie … Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Love Island intro]

Announcer: It’s Love Island, the UK reality station that America is obsessing over. It turns out they also have 100% pure grade trash just like us. Let’s meet the Islanders. 

Grace: I’m Grace. I’m 22 in Liverpool. Yes. But if I were in the states, I’d be 41.

Bella Rosa: I’m Bella Rosa from Essex. My dad is a boxer and my mom is a pub. Just got my lips done. I asked the doctor for an allergic reaction.

Charlie: Hello, I’m Charlie. I’m from murder suicide, England. I’ve got two more years for my face to catch up to my liver.

Siobhan: I’m from part of Ireland where the soil is bones.

Finlay: Call me Finlay. I’m from Scotland but I’m also Italian. So, my father is basically the scariest guy you’ve seen in your life.

Chris: I’m just looking for a lady, like a cheap one, for the rest of my life.

Mackenzie: They call me Mackenzie. And I’m looking for the perfect guy, because there’s absolutely nothing wrong with me.

Announcer: Watch the hottest people from the worst towns immediately couple up with someone based on nothing.

[Cut to Bella Rosa]

Bella Rosa: I would like to couple up with a guy who’s exactly my type on paper. He’s got tattoos. He’s got really great banter. He’s proper fit. But at the same time, I would go with anybody. So, you.

Chris: Hi.

Bella Rosa: Oh. You’ve got great hair.

Announcer: You’ve heard an English accent. You’ve heard an Irish accent. Now, hear all the little weirdies in between.

[Cut to Grace]

Grace: [In strong accent] He crackin’ on with her, and I’m like, I’m getting proper pied off.

[Cut to Finlay]

Finlay: [In strong accent] Aye, I’m straight scunnert with the jobbies.

Mackenzie: What?

Announcer: That’s right, they don’t even understand each other. Tune in as they face challenges like getting up from a beanbag. [Cut to Mackenzie struggling to get up from a beanbag]

You will watch 50 hours of this. You think you won’t, but you will.

[Cut to Grace]

Grace: I’m really looking forward to sleeping with all my new friends. And I might even get in the Wee cuddle.

[Cut to Mackenzie]

Mackenzie: It was awful to watch.

Announcer: You’ll invest in vulnerable moments like when the girls take their makeup off.

[Cut to Mackenzie and Sioban]

Sioban: You know, I put so much bronzer on I think I might be dong brownface. Is this a hate crime?

Mackenzie: That’s not bad, is it? Look really different without me make up on ‘cause of the contour.

[Cut to Sioban]

Sioban: She’s a really nice girl, but I think her face might be a thong.

Mackenzie: What?

Announcer: At any point someone may be forced to leave the villa and turn in their giant microphone.

[Cut to Finlay]

Finlay: This bird and I got great crack. She’s got a great personality. But mostly of all the girls here, she wore the smallest bikini. For a person I would like to couple up – Grace.

[Cut to Grace and Bella Rosa]

Bella Rosa: I knew it, I knew it. I knew it.

[Cut to Mackenzie]

Mackenzie: You’re my best friend in the world.

[Cut to Bella Rosa]

Bella Rosa: Hopping spit in my face. I’m absolutely gutted. [phone chimes] are you joking? 10 million instagram followers. I don’t have to be a stupid prediatric nurse anymore, do I? Cha-ching.

Announcer: Love Island now available on Hulu. We got this, and “The Handmaid’s Tale”.

Locker Room – SNL

Coach… Woody Harrelson

Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Chris Redd

Mikey Day

Trinity… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with audience cheering in the football ground]

Announcer: And that’s the half.

[Cut to locker room]

Coach: What’s with the chatter, huh? Put your damn phones away. We still have half the game to play.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Coach, it’s 48-3, man. It’s over.

[Cut to coach]

Coach: Hey. You all are Pembroke Corgi Dogs. Corgi Dogs don’t back down from a fight. They bark. Rah, rah, rah, rah! We can still do this. I’ve been through worse and I’ve come out on top.

[Cut to Chris and Kyle]

Kyle: You have?

[Cut to Coach]

Coach: Hell yes. It was my senior year. October 1st, 1979. [Music playing] At the half we were down 77-3. We thought all hope was lost. And I’ll never forget what my coach said.

[Music stops]

[Trinity comes with her eyes closed]

Trinity: Uh-oh, girl coming through don’t be naked. Oh, hey baby.

[Heidi looks at the players]

Oh. Oh, I’m sorry. Are you doing the big talk?

Coach: Yeah, baby. I’m doing the big talk. Hey, Corgi Dogs, this is my new wife, Trinity. She’s just passing by.

Trinity: Hi, guys.

Everybody: Hi, miss Trinity.

Trinity: Sorry to interrupt. [Cut to Trinity and Coach] I was just looking for the little metal man with the snickers.

Coach: Yeah. The vending machine’s right down the hall.

Trinity: Okay. All right. I’m gonna bounce. And babe, real quick, is your thing okay?

Coach: What?

Trinity: Your thing. Like your thing.

Coach: Yeah. Trinity, my thing is okay.

Trinity: Okay, but you remember the sound it made?

Coach: Yes, I remember the sound.

Trinity: Is it still making that sound?

Coach: No, it’s fine now.

Trinity: Oh, okay. He back. Well, good luck, you guys. [Cut to everybody] And remember, keep it safe out there. Always helmet to helmet.

Coach: All right. Now, [Cut to Coach] like I was saying, we’ve got to focus on the fundamentals.

[Cut to Chris and Kyle]

Kyle: Sorry, coach, but I can’t stop thinking about what’s up with your thing?

[Cut to Kenan and Mikey[

Kenan: Yeah, coach, what’s up with that thing?

[Cut to Coach]

Coach: Look, you all don’t need to worry about my thing. Okay? I’ll worry about my thing for all of us. [Music palaying] Because if I know one thing, in my heart of hearts, it’s that these—

[Trinity comes in again]

Trinity: how did I get back in here?

[Cut to Chris and Kyle]

Chris: Miss Trinity, what sound did his thing make?

[Cut to Coach and Trinity]

Trinity: Oh, it sounded like Mickey Duck.

[Cut to Kenan and Mikey]

Kenan: Mickey Duck? Who’s Mickey Duck?

[Cut to Coach and Trinity]

Trinity: You know, not space jam Duck. The Mickey Duck, the one with the fat ass.

[Cut to Chris and Kyle]

Chris: You mean Donald Duck?

[Cut to Coach and Trinity]

Trinity: Yeah, yeah. It was like … (making sounds]

Coach: Trinity, come on.

Trinity: What? I’m the one who had to push the vein back in.

Players: What?

[Cut to Coach and Trinity]

Coach: Trinity, leave.

Trinity: Okay. Fine. Good luck, you guys. I used to cheer here. Class of ’18.

[Cut to Kenan and Mikey confused]

Kenan: Hey, when did you get remarried?

[Cut to Chris and Kyle]

Chris: And how old is she? If you do the math—

[Cut to Coach]

Coach: Don’t do the math! Guys—

[Cut to Chris and Kyle]

Kyle: Guys, the vein was out?

[Cut to Coach]

Coach: Enough. I need you to focus. Now, [Music starts] let’s get our heads in the game, our eyes on the prize, and our feet –

[Trinity comes in again]

Trinity: Okay, hold up. Are y’all following me or am I back in the same room?

[Cut to Kenan and Mikey]

Mikey: Miss Trinity, when you say the vein was out –

[Cut to everybody]

Trinity: I mean it was out. It was like [dancing] mm-mm, and then the top was like folded and then he said call my grandma, she’ll know what to do.

[Cut to Kenan and Mikey]

Kenan: Why would your grandma know what to do, coach?

[Cut to Coach and Trinity]

Coach: She’s known my body the longest.

[Cut to Coach]

Kenan: And with that I quit.

[Kenan leaves]

Coach: Babe, look what you did. Leave. I can’t have you talking to me on the job.

Trinity: Oh, okay. Big man acting tough because his thing’s all in one piece again. Okay, well, don’t come crawling back to me when that thing screams (making sounds) which we know it’s going to happen, and it’s we know it’s going to fall off because we know that’s where it’s headed. Bye guys.

Coach: It’s not going to fall off! All right. Listen. I need you all to stop worrying about my thing and get your heads back in the game. [Music playing] Because if there’s one thing I know—[Quack] You’ve got to keep fighting no matter what.

[Cut to Chris and Kyle]

Chris: Coach, I think your thing making that sound.

[Cut to Coach]

Coach: I know. You know what it’s saying? Win. [Quack} Win the game. [Quack, quack, quack]

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Yeah! Let’s go. Whoo! Oh, yeah. That’s clean off.

[Players all ready to go]

Coach: Oh, yeah! That’s clean off!

Impeachment Cold Open – SNL

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

William Barr… Aidy Bryant

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Donald Trump Jr… Mikey Day

Eric Trump… Alex Moffat

Kim-Jong Un… Bowen Yang

Kanye West… Chris Redd

Don King… Kenan Thompson

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Liev Schreiber

[Starts with a clip of White House]

[Cut to Donald Trump in his office speaking on the phone]

[Cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Get me Rudy Giuliani on the phone.

[Cut to split screen. Donald Trump is on left, Rudy Giuliani is on the ride side of the screen.]

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, hey Mr. Trump. What’s new?

Donald Trump: What do you mean what’s new, Rudy? I’m being impeached. It’s the greatest presidential harassment of all time I would know. I’m like the president of harassment.

Rudy Giuliani: You got to relax Mr. Trump. We’ve got nothing to worry about. Nobody’s going to find out about our illegal side dealings with the Ukraine.

Donald Trump: Good.

Rudy Giuliani: Or how we tried to cover up those side dealings.

Donald Trump: Great.

Rudy Giuliani: Or how we plan to cover up the cover up.

Donald Trump: Rudy. Rudy, where are you right now.

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani. He’s in CNN live show.]

Rudy Giuliani: I’m on CNN right now. I’m going to put you on speaker.

[Cut to split screen of Donald Trump and Rudy Giuliani.]

Donald Trump: Rudy, get out of there and whatever you do stay off the phone. [Cut to Donald Trump] I got another call. Okay. Who is this?

[Cut to William Barr in his office]

William Barr: It’s Attorney General Barr.

[Cut to split screen. Donald Trump on left, William Barr on right.]

Donald Trump: Will, I’m really starting to worry.

William Barr: Well, stay calm. Mr. President. I know things look bad right now but I got our top guy on this.

Donald Trump: Good. Well let’s get him on the phone too.

[Cut to screen split into three. Donald Trump on left, William Barr in the middle and Rudy Giuliani on right.]

Rudy Giuliani: Hello.

Donald Trump: Dammit! Not Rudy!

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, hey Mr. President.

Donald Trump: Rudy, you’re not still on CNN, are you?

Rudy Giuliani: Of course not.

Donald Trump: Good.

Rudy Giuliani: I’m on the Joe Rogan party.

Donald Trump: Rudy, hang up the phone and get out of there. [Cut to screen split into two with Donald Trump and William Barr]. Will, you know I’m going to need somebody to take the blame for this.

William Barr: Yeah, but where are you going to find a sacrificial Patsy that don’t do anything you say, not it.

Donald Trump: Don’t worry, I’ve got the perfect stooge.

[Cut to Mike Pence.]

[Phone ringing]

Mike Pence: Hello.

[Cut to screen split into two with Donald Trump and Mike Pence.]

Donald Trump: Big Mike, how is church going? You’re still waiting on, what’s this face, to come back?

Mike Pence: You mean Jesus sir?

Donald Trump: Yes, that’s the guy. Listen, I’m just calling you about this whole Ukraine whistle blower thing. It’s looking pretty bad for you.

Mike Pence: For me? But you’re the one who broke the law.

Donald Trump: Hey, wait a minute. Don’t try to drag me into your mess. Hold on Mike, I’m getting a call from the boys. [Cut to screen split into two with Donald Trump on left and Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. on the right.] Hello.

Donald Trump Jr.: Dad. It’s your sons.

Eric Trump: And Eric.

Donald Trump Jr.: Dad. I just can’t believe the lame stream media is focused on you and not on the corruption of Joe Biden’s son.

Donald Trump: I know. By the way did you take care of that thing in Russia for me.

Donald Trump Jr.: [Laughing] What thing in Russia?

Eric Trump: [Laughing] The treason!

Donald Trump Jr.: Eric!

[Call waiting beeps]

Donald Trump: Hang on boys I’m getting a very important call from the Chairman.

[Cut to screen into two with Donald Trump and Kim Chairman Kim-Jong Un.]

Chairman Kim.

Kim-Jong Un:  What’s up?

Donald Trump: Thanks for getting back to me. I need some advice. How do you handle a whistle blower?

Kim-Jong Un:  Oh that’s easy. You have a big ocean in your country.

Donald Trump: Yes.

Kim-Jong Un: Okay. Send whistle blower to the bottom of them.

Donald Trump: Oh, wow. I wish my country was as cool as your country. [Phone ringing] Hang on hang on I got to take this.

[Cut to screen split into two with Donald Trump and Kanye West.]

Kanye, how have you been my man?

Kanye West: A lot better bro, actually. Remember those pills I were supposed to take. Hah? It turns out I’m supposed to take them every day. Can you believe that?
Donald Trump: That’s good. That’s good.

Kanye West: But actually, the reason I’m calling you because I don’t think we can be fam no more, fam.

Donald Trump: What? Why not?

Don King: Give me that phone. [Don King walks into Kanye] Only in America.

Donald Trump: Don King. Oh, don’t tell me you dudes are partying without me. Is Rodman there? And Tyson too?

Don King: Yeah. We were just having an emergency meeting at the black market. And, we all decided that this whole impeachment thing is hurting our brand.

Donald Trump: Oh don’t bail on me now. I need my Urban’s. Kanye, just tell me who you want out of jail this time. ASAP Rocky again? Or how about that little girl Teriyaki 69?

Kanye West: Look fam, we gotta go say goodbye to douche bag.

Don King: Yeah, Terrence Howard is up on the roof with an umbrella trying to prove that gravity don’t exist. Only in America.

[Cut to Donald trump]

Donald Trump: Wait. This whistle blower is starting to ruin everything for me. [Phone ringing] Hello.

[Cut to screen split into two with Donald Trump and Jeanine Pirro.]

Jeanine Pirro: We’re tugged!

Donald Trump: Hey, Judge Jeanine. Things are not going so great. I’m really feeling down, I could really use a pep talk.

Jeanine Pirro: Well, Mr. President, you have come to the right place. Who’s my special beautiful boy?

Donald Trump: I am

Jeanine Pirro: Who makes every woman’s eyes pop out of her skull and go, “Oh God”?

Donald Trump: I do.

Jeanine Pirro: Damn right you do cause you’ve got dumbs like a truck, truck. And thighs like what, what?

Donald Trump: Thanks. I really needed that this whistle blower thing is just– it just won’t go away.

Jeanine Pirro: Well if you really want someone to go away, you know who to call.

Donald Trump: Right, that’s genius. [Cut to Donald Trump] I’ll call him right now.

[Cut to screen split into to with Donald Trump and Liev Schreiber.]

Liev Schreiber: Hello.

Donald Trump: Yes. Is this Ray Donovan?

Liev Schreiber: Excuse me?

Donald Trump: Ray Donovan the fixer. The guy who takes care of stuff. Wink wink.

Liev Schreiber: I told you Mr. President. Ray Donovan is a fictional character. I’m Liev Schreiber, the actor.

Donald Trump: Of course, right. I knew that. But if you can’t do it, can you connect me with John Wick?

Liev Schreiber: He’s fake. He’s fake too Mr. President.

Donald Trump: What about Liam Neeson?

Liev Schreiber: Oh, actually Liam might do it.

Donald Trump: Fine. That’s good. I’ll get him, problem solved. And live New York it’s Saturday Night.

DNC Town Hall – SNL

Erin Burnett … Cecily Strong

Beto O’Rourke … Alex Moffat

Andrew Yang … Bowen Yang

Cory Booker … Chris Redd

Pete Buttingieg … Colin Jost

Marianne Williamson … Chloe Fineman

Senator Elizabeth Warren … Kate McKinnon

Bernie Sanders … Kyle Mooney

Joe Biden … Woody Harrelson

Kamala Harris … Maya Rudolph

Denise Reynolds … Ego Nwodim

Calvin Millett… Mikey Day

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with CNN Impeachment Town Hall intro]

Announcer: It’s the impeachment town hall!

[Cut to Erin Burnett in her set]

Erin Burnett: Good evening. I’m Erin Burnett. The democratic candidates have united together and decided to handle the impeachment the only way they know how, with a muddled ten-person town hall debate. First, please welcome guy who tragically misread out enthusiasm for him, Beto O’Rourke.

[Cut to Beto O’Rourke]

Beto O’Rourke: Hey! [Cheers and applause] Thanks for still like, having me around. This is Rad. Now, could I say a few words in eight grade Spanish?

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: We really don’t have time for that.

[Cut to Beto O’Rourke]

Beto O’Rourke: Oh, Lo Siento in La Biblioteca.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Next, he was asked to be introduced as the Asian bad boy of Tech, but I’m just going to say Andrew Yang.

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

[Cheers and applause]

Andrew Yang: If you think my candidacy is going well, I’m literally giving free money to people and I’m still in sixth place.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Next, New Jersey senator Cory Booker.

[Cut to Cory Booker]

Cory Booker: I’m blessed to be here.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: And I should point out that we’re limiting the amount of time you can speak based on how well you’re doing in the polls. So Cory, you get five words.

[Cut to Cory Booker]

Cory Booker: Um. Impeach Trump now because trouble.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Thank you, Cory. Would you like to leave now to beat traffic?

[Cut to Cory Booker]

Cory Booker: I would.

[Cory Booker leaves]

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Next ,we have the mayor of South Bend, Indiana, Pete Buttingieg.

[Cut to Pete Buttingieg]

Pete Buttingieg: Hi.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: It’s Buttigieg, right? Am I pronouncing that correctly?

[Cut to Pete Buttingieg]

Pete Buttingieg: Sure.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: And appearing tonight live via Astral projection is Marianne Williamson.

[Cut to Marianne Williamson]

Marianne Williamson: Konnichiwa, girlfriend. Here’s how I will impeach Donald Trump. I will trap his soul inside this crystal. Which I should warn you is also a Yoni egg. So, this election vote for magic. Good morning.

[Marianne Williamson disappears]

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: And now let’s meet the actual candidates. Senator Elizabeth Warren.

[Cut to Senator Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Hello. [Cheers and applause] I hope you guys enjoyed hot girl summer ’cause now it’s school librarian fall. I have the energy of a mother of five boys who all play a different sport. Let’s do this.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

[Cheers and applause]

Erin Burnett: Senator from Vermont, Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

[Cheers and applause]

Bernie Sanders: Hello, everyone. I’m so excited to be back. And to ruin things a second time.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: We also have the current front-runner in the polls. He went to the dentist and said “Give me the high beams.” Vice president Joe Biden.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

[Cheers and applause]

Joe Biden: There’s no need to worry anymore. Daddy’s here, America. I see you. I hear you. I sniff you and I hug you from behind. Now, as I ask anytime I walk into a room, where am I and what the hell is going on here?

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: We’d also like to welcome California senator, Kamala Harris.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

[Cheers and applause]

Kamala Harris: Thank you. Now, Erin, that little girl you just introduced, that little girl was me.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Yes, I know, senator.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Okay. Just checking because I’m not just that little girl. I’m also America’s cool aunt. A fun aunt. I call that Funt. The kind of funt that will give you weed but then arrest you for having weed. Can I win the presidency? Probably not. I don’t know. Can I successfully seduce a much younger man? You better funting believe it.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Okay. Thank you, senator Harris. And thank you to all of our candidates. Our first question is from Denise Reynolds.

[Cut to Denise Reynolds]

Denise Reynolds: My question is for senator Harris. You said you’d go past impeachment and prosecute Trump directly. Do you still stand by that? [Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Oh, hell yeah. I’m a smooth-talking lady lawyer. I’m Rizzoli and I’m Isles. I’m a walking, talking TNT show. Don’t you want four more years of my dressing down our enemies like this? You call that human rights, China? I call it human wrongs. “Kamala”, Sundays on TNT.

Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: And our next question is from Calvin Millett.

[Cut to Calvin Millett]

Calvin Millett: Yeah, my question is for senator Sanders. The democrats said they’re going forward with impeachment quickly, but do you have the patience to see that through?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Patience? Don’t talk to me about patience. It takes me 40 minutes to figure out how to turn on the TV, every single time? If I accidentally hit input, that’s a whole day. Gone. Gone. Sometimes I sit on the porch and do literally nothing for six hours. I don’t talk to people. I don’t look at stuff. I just sit so still, people gets scared and call 911. And not for the ambulance. For the Coroner.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Thank you, senator Sanders. Next question. Yes?

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: What if Joe Biden gets implicated in this Ukraine scandal in some way?

[Cut to Kamala Harris wearing sunglasses, drinking cocktail]

Kamala Harris: Oh, no. That would be terrible. Not Joe Biden.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Vice president Biden, do you have a response?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Do I have time for a very long story?

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: You have 30 seconds.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Yes, I’m going to blow right by that. The year is 1962. I’m life guarding. No shirt. Tan chest. Medium nips. Oh, and I should point out that it was a segregated pool, just to put everyone on the edge for the rest of the story. So, I’m lifeguarding and who walks in but corn pop?

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: I’m sorry, corn pop?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: So I see corn pop, and he’s carrying a switchblade next to a kid named drumstick wearing brass knuckles. Again, I’m not going to say the races of the kids, but from the nicknames and the types of weapons you should be able to fill in the blanks.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Mr. Vice President—

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Okay, sorry, anyway, long story short –Barack.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Hey. Remember when everyone thought I was going to be the one who seemed out of touch? This guy makes me look like Drake.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Mr. Vice president, I need to say something to you. That corn pop in your story was me. That little corn pop was me. “Corn Pop.” Tuesdays at 10:00 on USA.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: All right. Let’s just go to closing statements. But just from the four candidates who actually have a shot at this thing. Senator Warren, we’ll start with you.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Look. Hey, look. America, I’m fun. I’m like a Brisk walk. I know all the big donors are turning against me. But I’m focused on the small donors. $3 from Andrew at the circle K. 53 cents from a third-grader in Illinois. $800 from an immigrant and stay-at-home mom named Melania. She fighting.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Okay. Now, we’re going to vice president Biden.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Look. I’m like plastic straws. I’ve been around forever. I’ve always worked. But now you’re mad at me? Drink up, America. In closing I’d just like to say one more time, Barack.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Senator Sanders, closing statement?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: America. Here is my promise to you. Free college. Free health care. Free refills on any medium size soft drink. Last time my slogan was “Feel the Bern”. This time it’s “Let’s Bern this place to the ground!”

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Senator Harris, your closing statement, please.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: This Funt would like to take this opportunity to speak directly to president Trump. Mr. Trump, no one is above the law. “Above the Law”. Thursdays on NBS. Gonk Gonk.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: And those are our choices, America. Good luck.

[Ends with CNN Impeachment Town Hall outro]

Dad – SNL

Dad… Woody Harrelson

Scotty … Kyle Mooney

Colby … Chris Redd

[Starts with a boy looking at his test marks. He can hear his dad coming to his room speaking on the phone.]

Dad: Well, have you looked at the contract?

[Dad enters the room]

Charlie, look. We sell computers. You’re my business partner at our computer company. Okay? So, let’s get the deal done. Okay?

Son: Hey, dad. Can I talk to you?

Dad: Of course, son. Is there a problem?

Scotty: You see—

[Phone ringing]

Dad: Hold that thought. Charlie? No, no, no. That’s not gonna work. We’re in the computer business after all. Okay, so call me back. And Charlie, you’re one hell of a partner.

[Cut to dad]

You were saying, son?

[Cut to Scotty]

Scotty: Well, my friend failed the math test. And I guess I’m just wondering what you’d say to him if he were you son.

[Cut to dad]

Dad: Well, I know he wouldn’t be playing video games for the next few years.

[Cut to Scotty]

Scotty: Dad, I’ve got to tell you something. So I—

[Phone ringing]

Dad: Just one second, Kiddo. Talk to me. Wait, who is this? Oh, Charlie.

[Everything gets dark except Scotty]

[Scotty starts rapping]

Scotty: Dad he’s like a hero to me

always has been and always will be

I worship the ground that he walks on

just wish he would trash that phone that he talks on

Dad, your’e obsessed with work

don’t you know your obsession hurts

look at what this thing did to you

is this the only way that I to get through to you

Dad, so busy all the time

b-b-busy all the time

dad, so busy all the time

I-I-I wanna hang with you

ever since the day dad got the phone 

I got to say I’ve felt so alone

hello dad, don’t you know that you’re needed

“we’re sorry the connection with your dad cannot be completed”

also I’m not popular and girls don’t like me

it all fells very bad

now here’s Colby rapping about dad

ladies and gentlemen Colby

Colby: D-A-D-D-Y that’s the guy

always have a shoulder for you to cry

catching the ball catching the fish

catching time with pops is a beautiful wish

since back in the day dads have been killing it

barbeque boss with the burgers straight grillin it

don’t forget the OG dad showing love

our heavenly father lord up above amen

Scotty: No, it’s not supposed to be a religious thing. It’s about my dad.

Colby: Oh, sure.

Scotty: Do it like we talked about.

Colby: All right.

Scotty: All right, let’s do the dancing we practiced.

One, two, three, get loose now!

[Scotty and Colby are dancing]

B-b-busy all the time

I-I-I wanna hang with you dad

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: We’re dong here. Right, son?

[Cut to Scotty]

Scotty: No, dad. I think I’m done. I failed the math test.

Dad: Let me call you back. [Cut to Dad] Scotty, why didn’t you tell me?

[Cut to Scotty]

Scotty: I tried to. But I think your line was busy.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: I’ve been ignoring my own son.

[Dad starts rapping]

What have I become

it all began when the —

[phone ringing]

[Dad starts talking on the phone]

“Charlie, talk to me. Yeah. No, no, no. I’m just doing a rap for my son Scotty. Yeah, it’s to a funky beat. Really? Oh, hell, I can get there right away. Let me just do my last line for the rap. Yeah.”

And that’s why I’m your dad

[Dad starts talking on the phone]

Yeah. Charlie. Can I come?

Scotty: Dad! Can I come?

Dad: Sorry son. Not this time. Colby!

[Colby joins dad]

Colby: Praise the lord. We’re going to have some fun.

Scotty: Dad.

[Dial tone] [Cheers and applause]

Apple Picking Ad – SNL

Debra Chickum … Aidy Bryant

Sister … Kate McKinnon

Bowen Yang

Melissa Villaseñor

Chris Redd

Hank … Woody Harrelson

[Starts with a video clip of an apple tree]

Debra Chickum: It’s fall and that’s apple picking season.

Sister: So come down to Chickum’s Apple Farm.

[Cut to Debra and her sister]

Debra Chickum: I’m Debra Chickum.

Sister: And I’m her sister.

Debra Chickum: Every year thousands of families visit our pick your own apple farm for their share of fall fun.

Sister: Located in the part of New York state that has confederate flags.

Debra Chickum: Why pick apples? Just ask any of our satisfied customers.

[Cut to Bowen Yang]

Bowen Yang: I never picked apples before, but now I have. I had fun, I think.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: It was cute. Far but cute. A lot of bees.

[Cut to Chris Redd]

Chris Redd: I stepped in a Gopher hole and broke my foot. But my girlfriend had fun.

[Cut to Debra and her sister]

Sister: For just $45 you can bring home $10 worth of apples.

Debra Chickum: Select from our varieties like huge soft.

Sister: Tiny hard.

Debra Chickum: Green.

Sister: Orange.

Both: And apple.

Debra Chickum: What our apples lack in flavor they make up for in on the ground.

Sister: They get the deers drunk.

Debra Chickum: You’ll pick apples under the watchful eye of our farmhand hank.

Sister: He’s a troubled man who came with the land. And we pay him in dentistry.

[Cut to Hank]

Speaker 6: Hi. I’m Hank. I will take you to the one tree that’s working this year. Our apples are best during a very specific window of time. And whenever you come you just missed it.

[Cut to Debra and her sister]

Debra Chickum: Still not feeling picky?

Sister: Listen to this satisfied customer.

[Cut to Chris Redd]

Chris Redd: My girlfriend picked an apple so wrong, she pulled the whole branch off the tree and now Hank says we owe three grand.

[Cut to Debra and her sister]

Sister: We have a petting zoo.

Debra Chickum: Tell them, Hank.

Speaker 6: We found some animals, and now they’re in prison. You can pet them if you pay me. We have goats, sheep. Also got donkey rides. Did you know donkeys can be depressed? The other day I head him say, ‘Stop’. Just like that. ‘Stop’. She’s like Eeyore with a plan.

[Cut to Debra and her sister]

Sister: But hey, we ain’t just apples.

Debra Chickum: We got peaches in theory. Cherries in theory and strawberries in the theory.

Sister: And don’t pass up our cider donuts.

Debra Chickum: They’re donuts but from yesterday.

Sister: And be sure to take home some of our penis gourds.

Debra Chickum: That’s right. They came out extra penis this year.

Sister: Want to hear more about us?

Debra Chickum: People usually don’t.

Sister: We’re unmarried sisters.

Debra Chickum: My hair’s been in one braid for 40 years and now it grows that way.

Sister: I’m 28.

Debra Chickum: It’s Halloween almost.

Sister: Do your spooky activities with us.

[Cut to Hank]

Hank: Our haunted Hayride is staffed entirely by local teen boys who take things way too far. They’re good boys, but if they pull you off the hayride, fight like hell. The masks make them behave different. Mob mentality. I have to be honest with you. They scare the hell out of me.

[Cut to Debra and her sister]

Debra Chickum: So, come. Come play outdoorsiness with.

Sister: Does our business make a profit? No.

Debra Chickum: How do we afford to live? Simple. I wrote the screenplay for ’50 first dates’ based on myself.

Sister: They changed it a lot. They did.

Narrator: Chickham’s Apple Farm. Maybe just go to the store.

Don’t Stop Me Now | Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 21

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant… Sarah Sanders

Kanye West… Chris Redd

Clarence Thomas… Kenan Thompson

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Eric Trump… Alex Moffat

Robert Mueller… Robert De Niro

[Starts with a seal of President of the United States]

Announcer: And now, a message from the president of the United States.

[Cut to Donald Trump in his office]

Donald Trump: hank you. Thank you very much. I’m very excited about summer, getting around that those things I never have time for. Golf, visiting friends in prison and enjoying all the fantastic new tariffs with China. It’s been an incredible year for our economy. Our American economy is on fire. I’m going to tell you if it’s a fire that keeps you warm or burns your house to the ground. But it’s some kind of fire. So, I’m on cruise control to a second term and there’s nothing the democrats in congress can do about it. So sit back and enjoy the ride, America, because tonight, well,

[music playing]

Tonight, I’m going to have a real good time.

[Melania Trump joins and sits on the desk]

Melania Trump: He feels alive.

Donald Trump: And the world I’ll turn it inside out, yeah!

[Mike Pence joins and sits on the desk]

Mike Pence: And float around in ecstasy

Melania Trump and Mike Pence:  So don’t stop him now

Everybody: Don’t stop him

cause he’s having a good time

having a good time

[Sarah Sanders joins and sits on the desk]

Sarah Sanders: He’s a loose cannon rippin’ up the laws of society

you can’t subpoena him

he’s gonna obstruct

Melania Trump: He’s a billionaire unless you take a look at his tax returns

He’s going to hide, hide, hide, oh there’s no showing you

Donald Trump: I’m burning every page

picking every fight

Melania Trump: That’s why they call him Mr. Bad Advice

cause he listen to the Fox News guys

Mike Pence: I want to make a super straight man out of you

Everybody: Don’t stop us now

we’re having such a good time

Donald Trump: I’m having a ball!

Sarah Sanders: Having a ball!

Everybody: Don’t stop us now

you wanna huge distraction

[Kanye West joins with his arms around Donald Trump’s shoulders]

Kanye West: Just give Yeezy a call man!

Everybody: Don’t stop us now

we’re having a good time

don’t stop us now

we’re having a good time

We don’t wanna stop at all.

[Clarence Thomas comes in]

Clarence Thomas: Yes, the supreme court ready for a fight on abortion

we got the votes now

women are screwed

[Clarence Thomas leaves]

Melania Trump: It was an issue you thought got resolved 50 years ago

but no, no, no

All men are still in control

Donald Trump: I’m searching bible guide now

Melania Trump: he’s throwing stones

and he lives in a big glass house

He cheated on every spouse

Mike Pence: I want to make a chik-fil-a man out of you

[Rudy Giuliani joins]

Everybody: Don’t stop me, don’t stop me

Rudy Giuliani: Wonderful wall.

Everybody: Don’t stop me, don’t stop me, don’t stop me, don’t stop me

Rudy Giuliani: Do you guys like tariffs?

Everybody: Don’t stop me, don’t stop me

Rudy Giuliani: Hundred bucks for a tomato?

Everybody: Don’t stop me, don’t stop me

Rudy Giuliani: I ain’t sweatin’ it

[Rudy Giuliani is playing a guitar solo]

Sarah Sanders: Oh he’s throwing out the lies, yeah

Donald Trump: One tweet at a time.

Melania Trump: And he’s got the best and brightest guys

that’s why most of them are serving time

Mike Pence: I want to make a crazy sexy man out of you

[music stops]

Melania Trump: Mike, no. What are you doing?

Mike Pence: I’m sorry, the queen music gets me all riled up.

[Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump join everybody]

Donald Trump Jr.: Hey dad, why weren’t we invited to sing?

Eric Trump: Yeah.

Donald Trump: Son, and Eric. I’m sorry I forgot about you guys.

Eric Trump: Well, I want to sing the song too.

Donald Trump: All right, Eric, go ahead.

[music playing]

[Cut to Eric and Donald Trump Jr.]

Eric Trump: It’s time to play the music

it’s time to light the lights

It’s time to meet the muppets on the muppet show tonight

[music stops]

[Cut to everybody]

Donald Trump: All right. Let’s wrap this up. The NBA finals are coming up. I need to invite the three white players over for McDonald’s.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: Wait a second. [Cheers and applause] I have something very important to say to the American people. Something they need to hear. [Donald Trump interrupts]

Donald Trump: No collusion, no obstruction.

[music playing]

So, don’t stop me now

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: we’re having such a good time

Sarah Sanders: Just try and impeach

Everybody: Don’t stop us now

Sarah Sanders: We might even get rid of freedom of speech

Everybody: Don’t stop us now

we’re having a good time

don’t stop us

we’re having a good time

we don’t want to stop at all

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Guys, it’s been fun. I don’t know what’s next for me, but I wouldn’t be Donald Trump if I didn’t say tune in next season to see who lives and who dies.

[Rudy Giuliani interrupts] Spoiler, I live. I live for another 150 years. And the iron throne will be mine.

Donald Trump: Have a wonderful summer, America.

[Cut to Everybody]

Everybody: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

 

Cut for Time Retirement Party | Season 44 Episode 21

Melissa Villaseñor

David… Kenan Thompson

Alex Moffat

Aidy Bryant

Chris Redd

Ted… Beck Bennett

Bred… Paul Rudd

[Starts with staffs of an office having a retirement party]

Melissa Villaseñor: But David’s been more than a boss to me. He’s been my best friend. To David.

[Everybody raise their coffee cups]

Everybody: To David.

David: Oh guys! [Cut to David and Melissa] You guys are so kind. 50 years sure goes by fast. I mean, what can I say? I just love auto insurance. But it’s time I take it easy on old ticker. You know, doctor’s orders.

[Cut to the staff]

Alex Moffat: Yes, we’ll visit you often pal.

Aidy Bryant: Yes, we’re not letting you go that easy.

[Cut to David]

David: See, now I’m tearing up. Ah, I think that’s my clue to leave.

[Cut to Chris]

Chris Redd: Well, hold on because I think Ted and Bred from IT put a little something together.

[Cut to David and Melissa]

David: Oh, that’s so nice. I barely even know those guys. What is it, a slide show?

Melissa Villaseñor: We’ll see. Fellas?

[Cut to everybody. There is a TV screen in front of everyone.]

[The light dims. Music starts to play.]

[Cut to the TV screen. It says “Thank you David”.”

[The video is disturbed and another video plays.]

Ted: We interrupt this simulation for a very important message.

Bred: In the beginning god created man. And from millennium, man reign supreme over all of creation.

[Cut to the staff.]

Speaker 8: What is this?

[Cut to the video]

Ted: Until man creates a god in the form of computer.

[Drum starts playing]

[The TV screen slides away. Ted and Bred walks Up with their musical instruments.]

Ted and Bred: Computer boy. Computer girl. 

We all live in computer world.

Computer, com-com-com-com-Computer

com-com-com-com-Computer

Oh-hail! Computer.

Ted: D-D-D-Digital free way

Mommy told me to eat my greens 

but now I’m grown up and I only computer

Bred: Computer! Daddy told me to brush my teeth

But now I’m grown up and instead I computer

Ted: Computer! I’m in love with my computer.

Bred: M-M-Mouse pad, baby.

[Music stops]

[Cut to the other staffs. They clap.]

[Cut to David and Melissa. They are confused.]

David: Wow! Thank you. That means a lot.

Melissa Villaseñor: Sorry guys, I’m a little confused.

[Cut to Ted and Bred]

Bred: Of course you are. You live in a digital age where computers are king.

[Cut to Chris, Aidy and Alex]

Chris Redd: No, it’s just tonight’s about David and you were supposed to make slides.

Aidy Bryant: Yes, not form a computer focused full wave band.

[Cut to Ted and Bred]

Ted: Oh, foolish human. If you had just once bothered to engage us in conversation–

Bred: You would know we are not just IT guys, but we have always been–

Ted and Bred: The Electric Computers.

Ted: Me Professor Professor, and he, Mr. Microchip.

[Cut to Chris]

Chris Redd: Yeah, I’m not calling you that Ted.

[Cut to David]

David: Well, thank you for the music boys. I think I’m going to head out.

[Cut to Ted and Bred]

Ted: No, no, David stay. We did actually write a song for you.

[Cut to David]

David: Really? For me?

[Cut to Ted and Bred]

Bred: Affirmative. 2, 3, 4.

[Music starts playing]

Bred: The year is 2031. Mankind as we know is enslaved. Humans live only to serve their one true master. A master called–

[Cut to Chris]

Chris Redd: He’s going to say computer, man!

[Cut to Ted and Bred]

Bred: Computer!

Ted: I-I-I-I can feel it coming

Computer taking over 

Bred: To become free, all mankind needs

is to rise up and destroy computer

There’s only one problem you see,

mankind kind of likes it

[Cut to Chris]

Chris Redd: All right man!

[Cut to Ted and Bred]

Ted: I can feel it coming

I can feel it coming 

I will make love to my computer

Thank you for 50 years of service David.

[Music stops]

[Cut to David]

[Cut to Aidy and Alex]

Aidy Bryant: Okay, so again, no connection to David. I think you just tag that in the end because you felt bad.

[Cut to Ted and Bred]

Bred: No. Wrong!

[Cut to Aidy and Alex]

Alex Moffat: And did you see you want to make love to a computer?

[Cut to Ted and Bred]

Ted: Of course. Survival is essential.

Bred: Procreation with the computer is the only option for human.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy Bryant: What are you talking about?

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa Villaseñor: Yes, see this is why we don’t talk to you guys.

[Cut to Chris and Aidy]

Chris Redd: Yes, because apparently you want to have a baby with a computer.

[Cut to Ted and Bred]

Bred: Ignore our words and you surely will perish.

Ted: For computers show no mercy.

[Cut to Chris, Aidy and Alex]

Alex Moffat: Hey! Are you threatening us?

[Cut to everybody]

David: All right, everybody, let’s just calm down all right?

[David walks to Ted and Bred]

[Cut to David, Ted and Bred]

I want to thank my friends The Electric Computers, okay? For giving me the best retirement gift of all. The truth. I always knew this was coming. It was since I saw that damn Tintendo. Now I know I’m not alone. [laughing]

[Music starts to play]

Gigabyte-Gigabyte-Go-go-go

Terabyte-Terabyte-take my flow

Wow-wow–

[David starts to feel his heart attack]

[Cut to the staffs]

Aidy Bryant: It’s probably the heart attack!

[Cut to Ted and Bred]

Ted: And so, it begins.

[cut to the staffs]

Chris Redd: Get out! Get out of here!

Judge Court | Season 44 Episode 20

Judge Marlene Wett… Aidy Bryant

Judge Christina Miami… Emma Thompson

Judge Linda Christina… Kate McKinnon

Nick Jonas

Joe Jonas

Kevin Jonas

Heidi Gardner

Melissa Villaseñor

Kyle Mooney

Chris Redd

[Starts with an intro]

Narrator: When people do wrong—

Judge Marlene Wett: You’re wrong!

Narrator: You need someone you can trust.

Judge Christina Miami: Oh, please.

Narrator: Or how about some three?

Judge Linda Christina: You’re going to jail.

[Cut to all three judges]

Narrator: For people who like judge Judy but wish it was way less complicated, it’s judge court. Hi. Hi. Hello. Welcome to Judge court.

[Cut to running case in the court]

Judge Linda Christina: Yes, Hi. Hello.

Judge Christina Miami: Welcome to Judge Court.

Judge Marlene Wett: Okay. What’s your problem? Go ahead.

[Cut to Heidy Gardner]

Heidy Gardner: Okay, I rented an apartment for 8 months in 2016. In that time, I did not have a bathtub. So I’m seeing recompense for the bathtub.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney]

Kyle Mooney: And I’m saying that’s BS.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Linda Christina: Excuse me. Mr. Landlord, how old are you?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: Um, 30.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Marlene Wett: Okay. That is too young.

All the judges: Yes, you’re going to jail. You’re going to jail.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: Wait, what?

[Cut to video bumper]

Narrator: Judge court. It’s the only courtroom with three judges. Linda Christina. Christina Miami. And Marlene Wet. They tied for last place in their law school class and they’re best friends who have dinner every night.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Marlene Wett: Okay. Say your issue, please.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: His dog bit me.

[Cut to Chris Redd]

Chris Redd: And he was hungry.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: Enough. We have a verdict.

Judge Linda Christina:The dog is entitled to an all expenses paid dinner at Buca Di Beppo.

Judge Marlene Wett: That’s right, the dog is going to dinner with us and you are going to jail.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: What? Why?

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: Excuse me. You do not in here to her.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Do what?

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: Listen to me. Listen to me! You see this woman? [All judges pointing each other] This woman. Do you see this woman right here? Do you see her?

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Yeah, yeah, I see her.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: This woman gave me $10,000 so I could get my painfully shy son a sex pillow for his birthday.

Judge Linda Christina: You see this woman? She dresses me every morning. I fight her the whole way but she does it.

Judge Marlene Wett: You know what? When I was choking on a hard candy, this woman sucked it out through my ass. Okay? It was all—and she was – I was naked of course.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Can I just go to jail?

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Linda Christina: When I pee, she wipes.

Judge Christina Miami: When I cry, she screams.

Judge Marlene Wett: And when I need to wake up, she shoots her gun.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Are we still doing my case?

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Linda Christina: Yeah, yeah, we solved it.

Judge Marlene Wett: Yeah, we release you for your own renaissance.

Judge Christina Miami: Go.

Narrator: Don’t worry. What these ladies lack in understanding of the law, they make up for in catchphrases.

Judge Marlene Wett: Eat dirt.

Judge Christina Miami: Don’t hold my breath.

Judge Linda Christina: Don’t give me boogers and tell me it’s broccoli.

Judge Christina Miami: I think I’m getting off on this.

Judge Marlene Wett: You dumb bitch.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: All right, speak up. If you mumble, you’re going to jail.

[Cut to Alex Moffat]

Alex Moffat: Okay. Well, these three boys threw a house party in my vacation rental and cost $5 million in damages and now my house is just a burning crater.

[Cut to Jonas Brothers]

Joe Jonas: We’re sorry, ma’ams.

Kevin Jonas: We were just boys having fun.

Nick Jonas: But that fun knocked down the house. And that’s not okay.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: In your words, what the hell happened?

[Cut to Jonas Brothers]

Joe Jonas: Well, I spilled the snacks.

Kevin Jonas: I brought my skateboard into the living room.

Nick Jonas: And then, I set the house on fire.

Jonas Brothers: We accept the consequences of our horseplay.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Marlene Wett: Okay. That is it. I cannot take it anymore. You are my sons.

Judge Linda Christina: You’re all our sons.

Judge Christina Miami:God, you are perfect.

[Cut to Jonas Brothers]

Joe Jonas: We’re not going to jail?

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Marlene Wett: No, no. We’re all going to dinner. Where’s that dog? Where’s the dog?

[Ends with an outro]

Judge court. On every day for 100 years.

Continuity Errors | Season 44 Episode 20

Frank Parisi… Kyle Mooney

Kenan Thompson

Belle… Ego Nwodim

Thomas… Kate McKinnon

Mikey Day

Matthew… Alex Moffat

Marriot… Cecily Strong 

Lady Grantham… Emma Thompson

Pizza guy… Chris Redd

[Start’s with a program’s intro]

[Cut to Frank in his set]


Frank Parisi: Hello. I’m Frank Parisi and welcome to Wait a Second, That Shouldn’t Be There. The show where we look at some of the biggest continuity errors in Hollywood history. You may have seen the most recent episode of Game of Thrones. Where they accidentally included a shot of [Cut to a picture of Game of Thrones’ scene] Daenery’s sitting next to a modern Starbucks cup.

[Cut to Frank]

There has been even more glaring errors over the years that somehow went unnoticed. See if you can spot anything weird in this classic scene from the 2016 remake of “Roots”.

[Cut to a scene from Roots]

Kenan Thompson: You have to understand, Belle, this is just the way things are.

Belle: But it’s not how things have to be. We can change the present. And the future.

[Cut to Kenan. There’s a box of White Castle Crave case behind him]
Kenan Thompson: Girl, that kind of thinking is going to get you killed, Belle. You’ve got to let go of them silly dreams.

[Cut to Belle. She is holding a ‘Big Gulo’ smoothie cup in her hand.]

Belle: If we don’t have dreams, then we have nothing. You were the one that taught me that. [Belle slurps the smoothie]

[Cut to Frank]

Frank Parisi: Did you notice the Slurpee? Somehow the editor did not. And somehow, no one caught these little booboos in 1998. “Shakespeare in love” either.

[Cut to a scene from Shakespeare in love]

Thomas: Well, there’s something I need you to know. Something I’ve kept from you.

[Cut to Mikey. Mikey takes Sun chips out and eats eats.]
Mikey Day: What is it, Thomas?

[Cut to Thomas]

Thomas: I’m actually not who I say I am. Would you like to see the real me? [Thomas turns around and opens his shirt]

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey Day: My stars. Thomas is a girl. Me thinks I have an idea for a new play. [Mikey opens his MacBook]

[Cut to Frank]

Frank Parisi: You might ask how did they miss all those errors? Well, keep in mind, everyone was distracted because just off camera, Harvey Weinstein was masturbating into a plant. Check out this subtle screw-up from season two of ‘Downton Abbey’.

[Cut to a scene from Downton Abbey]

Matthew: Marriot, I want to stay by your side but the great war is upon us.

[Cut to Marriot. She is wearing a dinner napkin.]

Marriot: We’re all at war, Matthew. Not just the men fighting in the trenches.

[Cut to Matthew. He is wearing ‘2017’ goggles.]

Matthew: But I love you, Mary. Don’t you understand? [A woman clears her throat] Oh, lady Grantham, we didn’t hear you come in.

[Cut to lady Grantham. She is wearing a beats headphone.]
Lady Grantham: Yes. I can be very quiet. Unlike most people in this house.

[Cut to Matthew]

Matthew: People forgive me, my lady. Is there anything we can help you with?

[Cut to lady Grantham. She is also wearing a soda hat now.]

Lady Grantham: Well, in order to help you’d have to have a modicum of skill, wouldn’t one?

[Pizza delivery guy walks in]

Pizza guy: I’ve got a large mushroom pie for a name Maggie Smith.

Lady Grantham: Just call me Mags. I have a coupon.

Pizza guy: Oh, I’m sorry. That promotion is over. [Pizza guy leaves with the pie]

Lady Grantham: Son of a bitch.

[Cut to Frank]

Frank Parisi: I think that pizza guy’s a star. Let’s take a break. When we come back, we’ll look at famous scene from Jurassic Park. There’s something you might have missed. Welcome to Jurassic Park.