Tag: Ego Nwodim

Hero Dog Press Conference

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Dana Gram… Cecily Strong

Heidi Gardner

Mikey Day

Melissa Villaseñor

Ego Nwodim

Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

Chris Redd

[Starts with C-Span intro]

Announcer: You’re watching C-Span. At midnight, Beto O’Rourke rolls down his shirt sleeves in defeat. But, first we go live to a press briefing at the white house with Kellyanne Conway.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

Kyllyanne Conway: Okay, good evening. Hello, everyone. It is I, Kellyanne Conway. And if you’re watching this, you are going to die in seven days. Mmm-kay, and as you probably noticed, the White House has not held a press briefing in almost eight months. We’ve kept our new press secretary in hiding because our past ones were mocked, humiliated, and forced to regain their dignity on “Dancing with the stars.” Mmm-kay, but today I am here to celebrating because we have killed the leader of Isis, which according to the constitution means the impeachment can no longer legally move forward.

[Dana Gram walks in behind Kellyanne Conway with a dog]

Mmm-nd now it is my pleasure to introduce a very special guest. The hero who took down the leader of Isis, Coann the K9 commando.

[Kellyanne Conway moves away. There’s a German Shepherd dog at the podium]

[Cheers and applause]

Mmm-kay. And he is joined by special forces K9 interpreter Dana Gram.

Dana Gram: Hello.

Kyllyanne Conway: And you can translate everything that the dog is saying?

Dana Gram: That’s correct. I have a master’s degree in linguistic from Dr. Dolittle university.

Kyllyanne Conway: And Conan, thank you for coming today.

[Dana Gram is looking at the dog]

Dana Gram: Right. Okay. He’s saying, “The pleasure is all mine, Kellyanne.”

Kyllyanne Conway: Mmm-kay, and you have the floor.

Dana Gram: That blink meant he can’t wait to lick it.

[Kellyanne Conway leaves the stage]

So, we’re going to take a few questions and Conan is going to meet with president Trump to explain the situation in Syria. You, ma’am?

[Cut to Heidi Gardner in audience]

Heidi Gardner: Hi, Conan, thank you for your service.

[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog]

[Dog grunting]

Dana Gram: “It’s my honor, I do this job for two reasons; one, I love my country, and two, belly rubs.”

[Cut to Heidi Gardner in audience]

Heidi Gardner: I just wanted to ask, who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy?

[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog]

Are you my good little boy?

[Dog grunting]

Dana Gram: “Seriously, with all due respect, I’m a trained military assassin, not some basic labradoodle.” That’s on you.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner in audience]

Heidi Gardner: You’re right, I apologize.

[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog]

Dana Gram: “Apology accepted.” You, sir.

[Cut to Mikey in the audience]

Mikey: Yes, you were involved in a terrorist raid. Was that scary for you?

[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog]

[The dog barks]

Dana Gram: “A little, sure, but it could have been worse. The terrorists had guns and explosives but at least they don’t have vacuum cleaners.” Yes, you ma’am?

[Cut to Melissa in the audience]

Melissa: How does it feel to be getting all the credit for killing Baghdadi? Right.

[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog]

[The dog barks]

Dana Gram: “Honestly, it was team effort from day one. It’s been, “I sniff your ass, you sniff mine.”

[Cut to Melissa in the audience]

Melissa: And how has your life changed now that you’re a hero?

[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog]

[The dog barks]

Dana Gram: What can I say? Honestly, I’m drowning in the bitches.” You ma’am.

[Cut to Ego in the audience]

Ego: What do you feel about the so-called whistle-blower in the white house?

[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog]

[The dog grunts]

Dana Gram: “I think we need to find out who the whistle-blower is because that sound is driving him crazy.” Next question, please. Wait, actually I’m going to have a sip of water, [The dog drinks water using a glass] I think you, ma’am.

[Cut to Aidy in the audience]

Aidy: I was just on dog twitter and reading some stories about you. Any of them true?

[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog]

[The dog grunts]

Dana Gram: He says, “Okay, I should come clean about something. Ten years ago at a Halloween party, I dressed up as a cat. I did not mean to appropriate feline culture or put on cat face. I also apologize for last Halloween when I dressed as a chocolate lab.”

[Cut to Aidy in the audience]

Aidy: Okay, but what about the video of you that’s just come out?

[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog]

[The dog grunts]

Dana Gram: “Oh, right, there’s a video of me barking at a black mailman, but I swear it wasn’t a bout race. Because I don’t see color. Literally I’m color-blind. Oh, and every day for the past years, I’ve humped someone’s leg without consent. For that I apologize.”

[Cut to Kenan in the audience]

Kenan: If I could throw in a silly question, who do you think won Halloween?

[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog]

[The dog grunts]

Dana Gram: “To me, Heidi Klum always wins Halloween but this year I have to go with Kylie Jenner, she became Marilyn. And speaking of costumes, what is the janky fake medal that the president put on my neck, it has a picture of a paw on it. What the hell is that? You don’t give humans a medal with a foot on it.” “Anyway, that’s my time, god bless America. Scooter, if you’re watching, daddy loves you, now go to bed. And the same goes for Pickle, Rocket, Billy, Shamrock.”

[Kyllyanne Conway walks in]

Kyllyanne Conway: Thank you so much, Conan. We also have a human that was involved in the raid.

[Chris walks in and stand beside the doe]

Does anyone have any questions for him?

[Cut to the reporters who are silent and have no questions.]

[Cut to the stage]

Chris: Okay, thank you for your time.

Kyllyanne Conway: Yes, and thank you, all of you. Now this dog has to go meet president Trump and then he has to testify against presidents Trump. He was on the Ukraine call too. Mmm-kay, good night.

A Proposition

Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Kristen Stewart

Pig Boy… Bowen Yang

[Starts with a clip of night dance club building]

[Music playing]

[Cut to inside the club, people are dancing. Kenan and Ego are enjoying their meal at the table]

Kenan: Um-hmm. Yeah! This is something, girl, Baltimore has come a long way. I might have one more.

Ego: You know we got church in the morning.

Kenan: It’s Tuesday.

Ego: And? You think the devil takes off Wednesdays?

Kenan: No, he doesn’t.

Ego: Okay.

[Kristen walks up to the couple]

Kristen: Hey.

Kenan: Oh! Hello, young lady.

Kristen: What’s your deal?

Kenan: Us? Well, it’s our anniversary and we’re meeting somebody here. But right now, I’m enjoying these here crabcakes. [Cut to Kenan and Ego] I can only have crab once a quarter due to the swelling.

Ego: Good thing we brought our own food, this place don’t even have a menu.

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: Yes, I mean, are you married, or–?

food, this place don’t even have a menu. Are you married, or—

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Ego: Yeah, we are married, yes indeed.

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: Oh, that’s so cool. How long have you been married?

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Kenan: Since birth.

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: That’s so amazing. I mean, I would love to just get inside that. Even if it was just one night, you know?

[Cut to Kristen, Kenan and Ego]

Kenan: Well, good luck to you.

Ego: Plenty of options here, around.

Kristen: Let me ask you a question.

Ego: Is it about my fish sandwich? Because it’s not on the menu. I brought it here myself, it’s from Mecca-Donald’s.

Kristen: Have you ever heard of that song by Katy Perry, it’s something like, “I kissed a girl and I liked it”?

Ego: I’m sorry, baby, I stopped listening to music when queen Latifah started hosting talk shows. I just couldn’t take the betrayal.

Kristen: Do you think it would like it? Because I’m pansexual.

Kenan: Pansexual? What’s that, like you like having sex around pants?

Ego: So you like to have sex at breakfast?

Kenan: Oh, [Cut to Kenan and Ego] that’s never going to work for me, I can’t just wake up and do it like that. I got to have my long pee first.

Ego: Baby, you are in there for a while. You are in there for a while.

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: I don’t think you guys understand what pansexual means.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Kenan: Oh, I definitely don’t. But I’m about to enjoy these pan fried crabcakes. We bout to dip some crabs!

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: Hey, let me be blunt. I want to explore tonight.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Kenan: Uh-huh.

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: With someone here.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Ego: Okay.

Kenan: Well, whoever that’s going to be, I’m sure they’re going to enjoy it. Go have fun.

[Cut to Kristen, Kenan and Ego]

Ego: God bless and good luck.

Kenan: We goin’ dip some crabs.

Kristen: Okay.

[Kristen leaves]

Kenan: You know, I think something’s going on with that young lady.

Ego: She wanted some of your crabcakes is what it was.

Kenan: All she had to do was ask.

Kristen: Hey, hey! [Cut to Kristen dancing in the dancefloor] Do you like this?

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Ego: Very nice. Very nice.

[Cut to Kristen, Kenan and Ego]

Kristen: Like, I can just keep doing this.

Ego: Yes, that’s good.

Kristen: All right! o this.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Kenan: You know what? I pulled a hamstring doing a shuffle at my nephew’s wedding.

[Cut to Kristen, Kenan and Ego]

Kristen: So, do you like it?

Ego: Wonderful.

Kenan: You’re very, very talented.

Ego: That’s wonderful.

Kenan: You know what? Let me give you my business card. Yeah, my nephew just started a record label, Jive Ass Records. He might need somebody for the video.

Kristen: Thank you.

[Cut to Kristen] Like, this is going to work out for me. Have a good night guys.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Kenan: Well, nice to meet you. We going to collect that little pig boy and head out of here.

Ego: Where he at? Pig boy?

[Pig boy come in. He is an Asian stripper who is wearing leather tight outfit.]

Pig Boy: Yes, mam.

Kenan: Oh, yeah. You’re a dirty little pig, ain’t you?

Pig Boy: Yes sir, and filthy.

Ego: You so hot, we like that.

Kenan: Yeah, we going to make you filthier.

Ego: We’re about to have sex with our little pig boy. Squeal, pig boy.

 

Space Mistakes

Dad… Chance the Rapper

Mom… Ego Nwodim

Beck Bennett

Lervy… Kyle Mooney

Alex Moffat

Announcer: From the producers who enjoyed Apollo 13, Ad Astro, Gravity and The Martian, comes another film about the dangers of space.

[Cut to a kid playing a toy with his father]

Kid: Daddy, why do you have to go to space again?

Chance: ‘Cos that’s where I work son.

Kid: Promise you won’t make a mistake up there.

Chance: I promise, because that would be the worst place to make one.

[The kid falls asleep. His mom is looking at them.]

Ego: You said last time was the last time.

Chance: Baby, what are you so worried about?

Ego: I’m worried you’ll make a mistake. You could crack your helmet, spin too fast, push the wrong thing and the top comes off, your tube could pop, the window could Ka’boom!

[Cut to inside the rocket, Chance and his astronaut colleagues]

Beck: Going to space today. You guys excited?

Lervy: I am. Just hope we don’t make any mistakes up there.

Chance: Well, you know what they say, “In space, no one can hear you make a mistake!”

[They laugh]

[Cut to the rocket monitoring station]

Alex: Okay now, 10, 9, 8– remember, no oopsies! 7, 6– I mean it. Everything has to go perfect.

[Cut to inside the rocket ship]

Astronauts: We promise.

Alex: 5!

Chance: Dude, seat belt!

Lervy: Oh, my bad. Nice catch.

Alex: 4!

Lervy: Not working.

Alex: 3!

Beck: Seat belt first, then gloves.

Lervy: I forgot!

Alex: 2!

Chance : What did you do?

Alex: 1!

Lervy: I made a mistake!

[The rocket takes off. Alex falls off and dies.]

Announcer: Space mistakes.

Alex: What happened?

Chance : Lervy, he made a mistake. And because it happened in space, he exploded.

Alex: Dammit!

Beck: Sir, he burst!

Announcer: The film that asks the question, what if you messed up at work, but your work was space?

[Chance is working in his ship. He makes a hole on the shell.]

Chance: Oh no!

Beck: Oh, crap! Oh, no! I dropped the–

[Cut to the rocket monitoring station. Bowen Yang spills his coffee to the computer.]

Bowen Yang: No! A mistake!

Alex: What’s this button do?

Computer: A mistake! Mistake!

Alex: Yikes!

[Cut to Beck screwing the rocket ship from the outside]

Beck: Lefty, righty, tidy loosy– [The screw is loose and hits Beck’s helmet and cracks it] No! No! No!

[Cut to the rocket monitoring station, Alex is on the phone.]

Alex: Mam, it’s your husband. [Cut to Beck’s wife on the phone] He made a mistake.

Ego: Where?

Alex: In space.

Ego: No!

Announcer: Space Mistakes. See it in IMX or on our plane, nothing in between.

Love at First Sight

Heidi Gardner

Jennifer… Cecily Strong

Ego Nwodim

William… Chance the Rapper

Bartender… Beck Bennett

Waitress… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with a clip of a very nice restaurant]

[Cut to thee ladies inside the restaurant]

Heidi Gardner: Come on, Jennifer. Cheer up. I hate to see you depressed.

Jennifer: I’m sorry. I know it’s not very 2019 to be down about a guy, but I still miss him.

Ego Nwodim: Oh, of course you do! You were together a long time.

[Cut to Jennifer]

Jennifer: Let’s just get more drinks and I’ll write down my address for when I pass out.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner and Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: Well, this night’s going to be bad.

Heidi Gardner: Actually, Jennifer, there’s a guy at the bar and he’s staring at you.

[Cut to Jennifer. There is a guy behind Jennifer at the bar who is looking at her.]

Jennifer: He’s looking at me? That has to be a mistake.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner and Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: No, girl, he’s coming over here!

[Cut to everybody. William is walking towards Jennifer]

William: Hello. My name is William. I’m nice, but I’m also shy.

Jennifer: I’ve heard that before. Right, ladies?

[Cut to Heidi Gardner and Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: Okay, give him a chance. Jennifer.

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

William: I could tell you looked sad. Would you like to dance?

[Jennifer stands and holds William’s hands]

Jennifer: Do they have dancing here?

William: I don’t care. [They start dancing] If they don’t like it, they can kill us.

[Cut to the bartender]

Bartender: Hey, buddy, we don’t really have room for dancing here.

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

William: Well, we are going to dance. And if you don’t like it, I suggest you kill us.

Jennifer: Wow, I never met anyone so confident.

William: And I’ve never met anyone so beautiful.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner and Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: Oh, my gosh! Did you hear that? He knows just what to say.

Heidi Gardner: I know. I mean even if he’s a psych, it’s nice to hear you’re pretty.

Ego Nwodim: I know, even from a crazy person, it’s 100.

Heidi Gardner: But he’s dressed well.

Ego Nwodim: He is dressed well. So cute.

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

William: Hey, do you believe in love at first sight?

Jennifer: I think I’m starting to. This is crazy.

William: What’s crazy is how you feel in my arms.

[Cut to everybody]

Jennifer: I feel like I’m floating.

[Jennifer and William are literally floating in the middle of the restaurant]

[Cut to Heidi Gardner and Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: Hey, are they flying right now?

Heidi Gardner: Oh, my god. I wouldn’t call it flying, but it’s definitely a low hover.

[Cut to everybody]

Jennifer: Is this what true love is supposed to feel like?

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

William: I wouldn’t have it any other way. Do you want to see if we can move around?

Jennifer: Sure. Lead the way.

William: Here we go.

[Cut to everybody. Jennifer and William start floating around over other’s tables and breaking things]

Ego Nwodim: Okay. Guys, be careful.

Heidi Gardner: You guys don’t have a lot of clearance.

Ego Nwodim: Yeah, which makes me they’re not that much in love.

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

William: Don’t listen to them. They’re just jealous of me.

Jennifer: And me, too.

William: Sure. Hey, have you ever had champagne?

Jennifer: No, what is it?

William: You’ll see. Let’s fly to the bar. Here we go!

[Jennifer and William fly to the bar. William takes his champagne out of the ice and drops the ice bucket from the bar]

William: This will do nicely.

Jennifer: I’ll get the glasses. [Jennifer flies to the bar and breaks a lot of glasses trying to fetch two glasses for them] I feel like I’m flying in the stars.

[Cut to the bartender]

Bartender: Uh, you’re not. You’re like three feet tops.

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

William: I don’t care. We’re in love. And with love, there are no rules!

[William does a flip in the air]

Jennifer: Yeah! We’re in love!

Bartender: All right. Looking right up your skirt, honey!

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

Ego Nwodim: I am so happy for Jennifer. I just hope she doesn’t get hurt.

Heidi Gardner: Yeah, you mean physically, right?

Ego Nwodim: Yeah, with all the crashing and—

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

Jennifer: Guys, I don’t want this night to ever end.

[Waitress walks in]

Waitress: Who ordered a seafood platter?

[Jennifer and William try to get the food but mess up everything from the table.]

Waitress: Thank you. That was so easy to make.

Jennifer: This is the best night of my life. And we haven’t even kissed.

William: Let’s change that.

[Jennifer and William kiss. William starts floating down.]

Jennifer: Oh, wait. Wait, why are you sinking? Was my kiss weird?

William: Nah, it was good.

Jennifer: Well, then, come back up here where all the love is.

William: Please don’t pull my arm.

Jennifer: I want you up here with me.

William: Yeah, I’m just going to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back. Hey, this was fun.

[William leaves]

[Cut to the bartender]

Bartender: So do you want to close up or what?

Jennifer: Yeah, sure, let me—I’ll get my purse.

[Jennifer goes to her friends to get her purse]

Ego Nwodim: Jennifer, don’t be sad.

Jennifer: You know, maybe I was meant to be alone.

Ego Nwodim: No, you’ll find someone else sooner or later.

Bartender: Hello. I think it’s going to be sooner.

[Cut to the bartender. He is floating.]

Jennifer: You!

Ego Nwodim: Jennifer, maybe not the bartender!

Jennifer: Just one way to find out. Kiss me!

[Bartender and Jennifer kiss]

Both: We’re in love! We’re in love! [Bartender and Jennifer float higher and outside the window] We’re in love!

Judge Barry

Police… Alex Moffat

Judge Barry… Chance the Rapper

Patricia Jones… Ego Nwodim

Judith Baker… Aidy Bryant

Ladenzel Jenkins… Chris Redd

Man with a puppet… Kyle Mooney

Male exotic dancer… Bowen Yang

Andrew Wilson… Mikey Day

Joanne McCormack… Melissa Villaseñor

Glady’s Feldman… Kate McKinnon

Apollo Benz… Jason Momoa

[Starts with “First Impressions Court” intro]

Announcer: He takes no nonsense. And he takes no more than 10 seconds to reach a verdict. He’s judge Barry and this is “First Impressions Court”.

[Cut to the court room]

Police: All rise. The honorable Judge Barry Presiding.

Judge Barry: All right. Thank you. Be seated.

Police: Your honor, this is case number 18 on the docket.

[Patricia Jones walks to the judge]

Announcer: 26-year-old Patricia Jones is suing her former friend for $2,700 after she alleges he stole her car while she was asleep and still hasn’t returned it.

[Cut to Trevor Brisby walking in. He’s wearing a nice suit.]

The defendant, 53-year-old Trevor Brisby says that he—

[Gavel knocks]

Judge Barry: Guilty! [Cut to Judge Barry] He did it! Next case.

[Cut to Trevor Brisby]

Trevor Brisby: Hold on, now. With all due respect, your majesty, but you haven’t even heard my side of the story yet, man.

[Cut to Judge Bary]

Judge Barry: Sir, I’ve been a Chicago judge for 31 years. I don’t have to hear your side. I’m looking at you in that ridiculous high lighter suit and I know for a fact that you’re guilty of something.

[Cut to Patricia Jones]

Patricia Jones: Thank you, your honor.

[Cut to Trevor Brisby]

Trevor Brisby: Well, now, wait a minute. Please, your majesty. Come on! Just let me explain.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: You’ve got ten seconds.

[Cut to Trevor Bristy]

Trevor Brisby: Well, I thank you for that. Now, first of all, the only reason I’m up in here is because this woman is trying to have sexual penetrations on me.

[Cut to Patricia Jones]

Patricia Jones: Excuse me?

[Cut to Trevor Bristy]

Trevor Brisby: You know I got that magic stick, baby.

[Cut to Patricia Jones]

Patricia Jones: Okay, you’re disgusting.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Get him out of here. Judgment is for the plaintiff. Next case.

[Cut to Judith Baker walking in]

Announcer: Plaintiff Judith Baker says she is owed $325 after the defendant, her ex-boyfriend, [Cut to Ladenzel Jenkins walking in] 29-year-old Ladenzel Jenkins.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Hold on. Your name is Ladenzel? Oh, you definitely guilty.

[Cut to Judith Baker]

Judith Baker: Thank you, your honor.

[Cut to Ladenzel Jenkins]

Ladenzel Jenkins: But you ain’t even hear my story!

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Whatever it is, you did it, man. Look at how you came to court.

[Cut to Ladenzel Jenkins]

Ladenzel Jenkins: Look, your highness, me and this woman ain’t never even dated.

[Cut to Judith Baker]

Judith Baker: Yes, we did. We have a son together.

[Cut to Ladenzel Jenkins]

Ladenzel Jenkins: That is a lie. You can’t get pregnant on the first time. Everybody knows that.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Guilty. Just pay the lady. Let’s keep this thing moving. Next case.

[Cut to a man walking in with a puppet]

Announcer: The plaintiff – [Gavel sound]

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: He’s guilty. He’s guilty.

[Cut to the man with the puppet]

Man: But I’m the plaintiff.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Plaintiff, defendant, I don’t care. I just know that you’re guilty.

[Cut to the man with the puppet]

Man: But I have a special surprise witness.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Let me guess, it’s a puppet?

[Cut to the man with the puppet]

Man: All right, I’m going to go.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Yeah, wise choice. Next case!

[Cut to a male exotic dancer walking in]

Announcer: A male exotic dancer— [Gavel sound]

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Next case! Guilty. All right. Can we do one with normal people?

[Cut to Andrew Wilson walking in]

Announcer: Andrew Wilson is suing his former tenant and coworker, [Cut to Joanne McCormack walking in] Joanne McCormack for a broken lease, stolen furniture and appliances amounting to $5,000.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Okay. Okay. This is a tough one.

[Cut to Andrew Wilson]

Andrew Wilson: Your honor, his lady may look innocent, but she is a con-artist, a liar, and a thief.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Interesting. Ma’am?

[Cut to Joanne McCormack]

Joanne McCormack: Okay, first of all, that’s a dang lie. He just mad because want to do — with me!

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Guilty. He wins. Almost had me. All right let’s do one more. I got night church in an hour.

[Cut to Glady’s Feldman walking in]

Announcer: Glady’s Feldman is suing her former live-in nurse, [Cut to Apollo Benz walking in] Apollo Benz for stolen cash.

Apollo Benz: Now, listen, your hombre. I see the way you’re looking at me right now, and I know what you’re thinking.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: That you bang old ladies and then steal their money?

[Cut to Apollo Benz]

Apollo Benz: That may be so, but I’m not just some dumb gigolo. I’m also a certified paraplegic—legal. So I understand the law.

[Cut to Glady’s Feldman]

Glady’s Feldman: Your honor, this man is a thief.

[Cut to Apollo Benz]

Apollo Benz: Excuse me! She stole from me first.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Oh, really, what did she steal?

[Cut to Apollo Benz]

Apollo Benz: My heart.

[Cut to Glady’s Feldman]

Glady’s Feldman: 

You know what, you gave me the biggest and best Os of my life. But I still want my money and my chandelier earrings. They’ve been in my family for generations.

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Sir, do you have this woman’s earrings too?

[Cut to Apollo Benz]

Apollo Benz: Wait, these? [Apollo Benz opens his shirt. He is wearing her earrings on his nipples.]

[Cut to Judge Barry]

Judge Barry: Guilty! I need a big boy break. Let’s take a recess. [Gavel sound]

[Ending with First Impression Court outro]

Announcer:  It’s “First Impressions Court” with judge Barry.

SoulCycle

Ego Nwodim

Mark… Alex Moffat

Cecily Strong

Flint… Bowen Yang

Deacon… David Harbour

Trix… Heidi Gardner

Kyle… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a video clip of SoulCycle outlet]

Ego Nwodim: Well, this is SoulCycle. You’ll love it.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Mark]

I go every lunch break.

Mark: Oh, so that’s where you run off to?

Ego Nwodim: Oh, pass.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Hey, guys, we are so psyched you’re here for this very special class. It’s SoulCycle instructor additions. Today you’ll be riding with multiple cyclists who are in the final stages of joining the SoulCycle family. Let’s ride!

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Mark]

Mark: They’re auditions instructors?

Ego Nwodim: Yeah. That’s why the class was free.

Mark: Who did I give $80 to?

Flint: What’s up, what’s up, SoulCycle White Harlem? My name is Flint, like the water. Let’s get those leg muscles going while I tell you what I’m about. I live life with no regrets. Abraham Lincoln died. It didn’t have to happen. Poor guy. If I’d been there I would have stopped it, but I wasn’t. Will you be? Let’s ride!

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Mark]

Mark: Is he suggesting we’ll save Lincoln somehow?

Ego Nwodim: The instructors only say things to try and inspire you. You’re supposed to move your legs, Mark.

Mark: Oh, yeah.

[Cut to Deacon]

Deacon: Dope, dope, dope, SoulCycle. My name is Deacon. And just a warning, I have an addiction to pushing myself and cocaine. Because I don’t believe in giving up. Check it. I was this close to playing a dead guy in the J. Lo in the movie ‘Hustler’ but I didn’t get it because they didn’t call me in for an audition, but when J. go Lo, I go high! Let’s ride.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Mark]

Mark: Wow. Using Michelle Obama like that. What do you think?

Ego Nwodim: Mark, you’re sweating but you’re not moving. Pedal!

[Cut to Trix]

Trix: Hey, SoulCyclers. My name is Trix. Here’s my story. In highs school, I was bullied for being too tall, too thin, too pretty. They called me model girl, or, “Hey, model.” But I wasn’t a model. Yet. And how do you think that made me feel?

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Mark]

Mark: Good?

[Cut to Trix]

Trix: We’re here to lift each other up. So turn to your neighbor and complement one part of their body. Be specific.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Mark]

Mark: Toned back.

Ego Nwodim: I am not doing that.

[Cut to Trix]

Trix: And look at me now. My boyfriend is one of the Josh’s from “Million Dollar Listing.” Let’s ride!

[Cut to Deacon, Ego Nwodim and Mark]

Deacon: I am going to put a candle in front of the person I think is doing the worse.

Mark: Me?

Deacon: You have sad eyes, ma’am.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Damn, they call me Kyle but I’m a girl we’re going to do a little core. Okay, three, two, one and funk the bike, funk the bike, funk the bike.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Mark]

Mark: I don’t want to be rude, but I can tell you you’re bad at sex.

Ego Nwodim: Oh, that’s nor rude.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: I didn’t always push myself like this you guys. I got kicked out of scientology because I was too lazy. Never again. Let’s ride.

[Clint walks in]

Flint: May I have this dance? This moment is so much more than us and our beautiful bodies. This morning I googled racism, and guess what? It bummed me out. And then I googled gay racism and that was even worse. You know what I did? I flushed my computer down the toilet, because I don’t need that negativity in my life! Let’s ride!

[Deacon walks in]

Deacon: Mind if I shine? Look, this was been my dream ever since acting was who hard. I put my life on hold last week when I lost my leg because a lumberjack thought it was a tree trunk but after believing hard enough, my leg grew back! Gandhi once said, two roads to versions of wood, I’ll take both. Let’s ride.

[Cecily Strong walks in]

Cecily Strong: Hi. Congratulations. You’re all-stars and you’re officially SoulCycle instructors!

Deacon: Whew.

Cecily Strong: No, no, no. Except for you. Your backpack was full of cocaine.

Deacon: Wow. You went through my bag?

Cecily Strong: Well, I guess we’re bot fired.

[Cheers and applause]

Little Miss Teacher’s Friend

Sabrina Kirpatsky… Aidy Bryant

Principal… David Harbour

Bowen Yang

Mrs. Pallarro… Ego Nwodim

Corrine… Kate McKinnon

Dina M…Melissa Villaseñor

Brittany… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with an intro of the show]

Announcer: Live from school, it’s Little Miss Teacher’s Friend.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant on stage]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: In math she got A plus

peer mediator on the bus

it’s Little Miss Teacher’s Friend

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to the principal]

The Principal: Hello and welcome to the 29th annual Little Miss Teacher’s Friend pageant. I’m your host, the principal.

[Cut to the audience]

Bowen Yang: Woo!

[Cut to the principal]

The Principal: No, enough! We all have teachers, but what do teachers have? Students. And what sometimes are students? Sweet. And the sweetest student of all is the teacher’s friend. Here with us is last year’s winner. Someone I had never see in my office, Sabrina Kirpatsky.

[Sabrina Kirpatsky joins the principal]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Well said, principal. And good evening and thanks for all for being here.

The Principal: Sabrina, what makes you a good teacher’s friend?

[Cut to Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Well, thank you for the excellent question. I see adults as peers and children as disgusting. I’m a natural helper and a shoosh-er of boys. And most of all, I’m genuinely teacher’s actual very good friend.

[Cut to the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

The Principal: All right. And here to judge the contest is the teacher herself, Mrs. Pallarro.

[Cut to Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: She’s perfect, she’s special

once she put me in charge of the classroom

and I felt like I touched the stars

[Cut to Mrs. Pallarro]
Mrs. Pallarro: Hi, Sabrina. This whole thing is very sweet, but I want to be clear that I don’t see you as my friends. You’re my students.

[Cut to the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Mrs. Pallarro, you are very funny.

The Principal: All right, let’s meet our hopefuls. First up, she’s 12 years younger than her siblings, it’s Corrine.

[Cut to Corrine entering the stage]

Corrine loves horses, but is scared of them. She’s taken four CPR classes just in case. And just recently she had a meeting with the nurse about washing her hair.

[Cut to Corrine, the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Corrine, your question. Please tell us about your most epic tattle.

Corrine: Oh, gladly. One time on the bus, AJ drew Marge Simpson with her boobs out. And I wanted to tell teacher so bad that I opened the emergency exit and I rolled onto the street and I broke my ribs.

The Principal: Wow. So committed to tattling. Thank you, Corrine.

Corrine: Wait, can I say my wish?

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Oh, of course.

[Cut to Corrine]

Corrine: I wish my peers would behave themselves so Mrs. Pollarro wouldn’t have a headache all the time.

[Cut to Corrine, the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Okay. Wow. That’s a beautifully put. Thank you, Corrine.

[Corrine leaves the stage]

The Principal: Next up it’s Dina M.

[Cut to Dina M entering the stage]

Dina gets hurt outdoors very easily. And get this, she knows a lot of saints.

[Cut to Dina, the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Now, Dina, March 7th is right around the corner, which we all know is Mrs. Pallarro’s birthday. What will you buy her and why?

[Cut to Dina]

Dina M: Well, I know she likes dogs and the packers. So maybe a diamond necklace?

[Cut to Dina, the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky:  Correct. That’s correct.

[Cut to Mrs. Pallarro]

Mrs. Pallarro: Okay. This is a great time for me to remind everyone, please don’t buy me expensive gifts. It puts me in a weird spot.

[Cut to the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Oh, teacher so modest.

The Principal: This year’s dark horse, it’s Brittany.

[Cut to Brittany entering the stage]

Brittany gets to do word searched instead of gym, because her scoliosis, her asthma and her religion. Her greatest wish is for her family to let her be a pallbearer.

[Cut to Brittany, the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Brittany, your question. What do you imagine teacher doing in her house when she gets home after school?

[Cut to Brittany]

Brittany: I imaging she reads my book report out loud to her husband who I saw once. He was bald. Which is funny.

[Cut to Brittany, the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

The Principal: That is funny. Thank you, Brittany. [Brittany leaves the stage] Remember, the winner of Little Miss Teacher’s Friend will take home a gorgeous framed photo of Mrs. Pallarro’s wedding in Cabo.

[Cut to a framed photo of Mrs. Pallarro and her husband on a beach]

[Cut to Mrs. Pallarro]

Mrs. Pallarro: Oh, oh, Sabrina. Did you print that off my Instagram?

[Cut to Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Yes.

[Cut to the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

The Principal: Now, we’d like to take a moment to celebrate the casualties of tattling, the bad boys.

[Boys walk pass behind the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: AJ, TJ, BJ, JJ, and Mikey Martori, who I do not have a crush on. Back to you, Rupert.

The Principal: Please, call me the principal.

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Very well.

The Principal: And now, the winner. Who will it be?

[Cut to Mrs. Pallarro]

Mrs. Pallarro: Actually there won’t be a winner, because I’m pregnant. I’ll be on maternity leave after Christmas. You’ll have a sub the rest of the year.

[Cut to Sabrina, Corrine, Dina, Brittany crying]

Everybody: No!

[Cut to the principal]

The Principal: Okay. Well, they’re crying. So, that’s all the time we have. I am the principal.

[Cut to the audience]

Bowen Yang: Woo!

[Cut to the principal]

The Principal: No! Reminding you please don’t meet your teacher in the staff parking lot. They don’t need help carrying anything. Good night.

[Ends with Little Miss Teacher’s Friend outrp]

Grouch (Joker Parody)

Chris Redd

Oscar… David Harbour

Therapist… Ego Nwodim

News Reporter… Bowen Yang

Kenan Thompson

Heidi Gardner

Beck Bennett

Elmo… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with a video footage of New York city]

[Cut to Chris Redd and Oscar]

Chris Redd: Damn, that smells straight like ass.

[Oscar opens a trash can]

Oscar: I don’t know. I kind of like it.

Chris Redd: Yeah? You like trash so much why don’t you live in it?

Oscar: Why don’t you bite me?

Oscar: Damn, Oscar, why you such a grouch, man?

[Cut to narrative video]

Announcer: From the studio that brought you “Joker” and the twisted mind at Sesame Workshop, comes the next gritty antihero origin story.

[Cut to Therapist]

Therapist: Why do you think you’re always in such a bad mood?

[Cut to Oscar]

Oscar: That ain’t me. Things are getting worse out there.

[Cut to TV news]

News Reporter: Once friendly neighborhood of “Sesame Street” has now become a haven of crime and corruption. I’m guy smiley, ABCDEFG news.

[Cut to Oscar walking on the street]

Oscar: Hookers and pimps on every corner.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Lady]

Kenan Thompson: Now, look, prairie dog, you want a snuffy’s ho’s. Okay? And snuffy’s ho’s earn.

Lady: I’m sorry, daddy.

Kenan Thompson: Bitch, you better shut your damn mouth for good.

[Cut to Oscar watching]

Oscar: People are getting killed over nothing.

[Cut to an alley where where people getting robbed]

Robber: Give me the ducky.

Alex Moffat: Ernie! Give it to him!

Ernie: Hell no, bitch!

[The robber stabs Ernie]

Alex Moffat: No! Ah!

[Cut to Therapist]

Therapist: How does that make you feel?

[Cut to Oscar]

Oscar: Grouchy.

[Cut to video clips of Oscar acting like Joker]

When everyone calls you trash, and everyone treats you like trash, why don’t you just become trash?

Announcer: Variety asks, Did we need a dark take on “Oscar the Grouch?” “No,” says the New York Times. The beloved residents are obsessing on streets like you’ve never seen before.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner dressed as a clown]

Heidi Gardner: Do you want to see this big bird dance?

[Cut to Beck Bennett dressed as a vampire]

Beck Bennett: Three! Three pearls for me.

[Cut to a police arresting Melissa Villaseñor]

Elmo: I’m innocent. I’m not going to sell no crack. You only arrest Elmo because Elmo Mexican!

Oscar: Sunny Day.

Announcer: From director, Todd Phillips.

Oscar: Sweeping the clouds away.

Announcer: And the writer of “P is for Potty.”

Oscar: Oh my way to where the air is sweet

Can you tell me how to get

Oscar: Would you do me one favor? Could you call me the grouch?

Announcer: Brought to you by the letter R.

Oscar: Scram!

Mid-Day News

Kenan Thompson

Phoebe Waller-Bridge

Ego Nwodim

Alex Moffat

Dennis Jones… Chris Redd

[Starts with WANU Midday News intro]

[Cut to the news set]

Kenan Thompson: This is the morning, and welcome back to WANU Midday News.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Kenan Thompson]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Coming up, the mayor’s office announced a bold new plan to revamp the city’s infrastructure.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Alex Moffat]

Ego Nwodim: And it’s about time. But first, yet another gas station has fallen prey to an armed robbery. A shell station in the 4,000 block of Pulaski highway was robbed around 11:45 AM this morning making that a total of seven gas stations to be attacked in the last week.

Alex Moffat: Ouff. Scary stuff.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Kenan Thompson]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: And we’re told the suspect remains at large. But authorities believe that they now have a credible description of the perp. The suspect described as a white male–

Kenan Thompson: Woo!

[Cut to everybody]

Ego Nwodim: Love it!

[Kenan Thompson and Ego Nwodim and having high-fives]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: I’m sorry, what are you two celebrating?

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: Oh, nothing. We’re just glad that we know what the criminal looks like.

[Cut to everybody]

And he ain’t one of us.

Ego Nwodim: You know what I’m talking about? You know what I’m saying? You know what I’m thinking?

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Kenan Thompson]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Anyway, the suspect—

Kenan Thompson: White guy.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Was last spotted fleeing the scene on foot. So, anyone with information is being asked to contact the MPD immediately.

Kenan Thompson: Yes, help us catch this white criminal.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Alex Moffat]

Alex Moffat: In other news, a Ponzi scheme has shaken some of Miami’s wealthiest residents.

Ego Nwodim: That’s one of y’all’s for sure.

Alex Moffat: Clemet Smith of Clemet Smith Investment Securities is accused of committing this egregious white collar crime.

Ego Nwodim: Right there in the name.

Alex Moffat: Smith is said to have been operating a multi-billion dollar Ponzi scheme.

Ego Nwodim: Now you know black people ain’t got that kind of money.

Alex Moffat: He was arrested this morning in Boca Raton.

[Cut to a picture of a black young man]

And look at that.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Alex Moffat]

Ego Nwodim: Damn!

Alex Moffat: He’s black.

Ego Nwodim: Really, what?

Kenan Thompson: Okay, so I guess we tied.

[Cut to everybody]

One of ours for one of yours.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: This is ridiculous. No one’s keeping score. Okay. [Cut to Dennis Jones on weather report] We have an update on that tropical storm we’ve been tracking. Let’s hear from WAMU weatherman Dennis Jones. Dennis?

Dennis Jones: Thanks, Pam. We’ve been previously calling a tropical storm. It’s not upgraded to a category hurricane, as you see here, destroying everything in its path with incredible high winds. We’re calling this one Hurricane Chet. And that’s a white man’s name if I ever heard one.

[Cut to everybody in the news set]

Ego Nwodim: I knew it. I knew it. I knew it.

[Cut to Dennis Jones]

Dennis Jones: And that makes two of y’all, one of us. We in the lead, back in the game. Gang, gang. Gang, gang.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Kenan Thompson]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: No way. That doesn’t not count. Hurricanes are not white.

Kenan Thompson: Unless they’re named Chet.

[Cut to everybody]

Alex Moffat: Okay! Can we move on from this petty game please?

Kenan Thompson: Oh, because y’all losing.

Ego Nwodim: Oh, how convenient.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Alex Moffat]

Alex Moffat: Okay, let’s just get back to the news. A Ft. Launderdale man was apprehended outside of a – cracker barrel.

Ego Nwodim: Um-hmm. Keep going.

Alex Moffat: For cutting brake lines on dozen bird-scooters.

Ego Nwodim: You know only white people got that kind of time.

Alex Moffat: Okay. Yeah. So, he’s white, so what?

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Kenan Thompson]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: So now we’re down to one.

Kenan Thompson: It’s not looking too goof for y’all today. In other news, a shopper was apprehended by security at Oceanside mall for assaulting a man who stepped on his Air Jordan’s.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Oh, I’m sorry. Did you say Air Jordan’s?

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Alex Moffat]

Alex Moffat: Oh, that’s black for sure.

Ego Nwodim: Damn.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: You know, I knew it. I knew it as soon as I saw it. Right.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Okay. And how about this one? A local woman attacked a cashier at a nail shop after they refused to take her welfare card.

Kenan Thompson: Oh, my lord.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Police say they’re looking for a 19-year-old white—Damn it!

Kenan Thompson: Whoo! That’s three, baby!

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Alex Moffat]

Ego Nwodim: Nice!

Alex Moffat: Okay, let’s get that back. Police say a Latino man—

Ego Nwodim: Ah! Skip that one. We don’t need that. Okay, how about this? How about a man on rock climbing trip was mauled by a bison for the second time in three months. See, y’all don’t learn. Y’all don’t like to learn.

Alex Moffat: Okay, just keep reading.

Ego Nwodim: This incident happened in the Utah National State park.

Alex Moffat: Not looking good.

Ego Nwodim: The family of the man now identified as Laquan Tankin.

Alex Moffat: Yes!

Ego Nwodim: Baby, what are you dong?

Alex Moffat: What an upset.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: A Laquan? Rock climbing? In Utah?

[Cut to Dennis Jones]

Dennis Jones: That’s okay. We still tied up baby.  Let’s go.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Kenan Thompson]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: All right. Next one takes it. A man dressed as the joker— Damn it!

Kenan Thompson: Woo!

[Cut to everybody]

Good game. Good game.

[Starts with WANU Midday News outro]

DNC Town Hall – SNL

Erin Burnett … Cecily Strong

Beto O’Rourke … Alex Moffat

Andrew Yang … Bowen Yang

Cory Booker … Chris Redd

Pete Buttingieg … Colin Jost

Marianne Williamson … Chloe Fineman

Senator Elizabeth Warren … Kate McKinnon

Bernie Sanders … Kyle Mooney

Joe Biden … Woody Harrelson

Kamala Harris … Maya Rudolph

Denise Reynolds … Ego Nwodim

Calvin Millett… Mikey Day

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with CNN Impeachment Town Hall intro]

Announcer: It’s the impeachment town hall!

[Cut to Erin Burnett in her set]

Erin Burnett: Good evening. I’m Erin Burnett. The democratic candidates have united together and decided to handle the impeachment the only way they know how, with a muddled ten-person town hall debate. First, please welcome guy who tragically misread out enthusiasm for him, Beto O’Rourke.

[Cut to Beto O’Rourke]

Beto O’Rourke: Hey! [Cheers and applause] Thanks for still like, having me around. This is Rad. Now, could I say a few words in eight grade Spanish?

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: We really don’t have time for that.

[Cut to Beto O’Rourke]

Beto O’Rourke: Oh, Lo Siento in La Biblioteca.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Next, he was asked to be introduced as the Asian bad boy of Tech, but I’m just going to say Andrew Yang.

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

[Cheers and applause]

Andrew Yang: If you think my candidacy is going well, I’m literally giving free money to people and I’m still in sixth place.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Next, New Jersey senator Cory Booker.

[Cut to Cory Booker]

Cory Booker: I’m blessed to be here.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: And I should point out that we’re limiting the amount of time you can speak based on how well you’re doing in the polls. So Cory, you get five words.

[Cut to Cory Booker]

Cory Booker: Um. Impeach Trump now because trouble.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Thank you, Cory. Would you like to leave now to beat traffic?

[Cut to Cory Booker]

Cory Booker: I would.

[Cory Booker leaves]

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Next ,we have the mayor of South Bend, Indiana, Pete Buttingieg.

[Cut to Pete Buttingieg]

Pete Buttingieg: Hi.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: It’s Buttigieg, right? Am I pronouncing that correctly?

[Cut to Pete Buttingieg]

Pete Buttingieg: Sure.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: And appearing tonight live via Astral projection is Marianne Williamson.

[Cut to Marianne Williamson]

Marianne Williamson: Konnichiwa, girlfriend. Here’s how I will impeach Donald Trump. I will trap his soul inside this crystal. Which I should warn you is also a Yoni egg. So, this election vote for magic. Good morning.

[Marianne Williamson disappears]

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: And now let’s meet the actual candidates. Senator Elizabeth Warren.

[Cut to Senator Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Hello. [Cheers and applause] I hope you guys enjoyed hot girl summer ’cause now it’s school librarian fall. I have the energy of a mother of five boys who all play a different sport. Let’s do this.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

[Cheers and applause]

Erin Burnett: Senator from Vermont, Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

[Cheers and applause]

Bernie Sanders: Hello, everyone. I’m so excited to be back. And to ruin things a second time.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: We also have the current front-runner in the polls. He went to the dentist and said “Give me the high beams.” Vice president Joe Biden.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

[Cheers and applause]

Joe Biden: There’s no need to worry anymore. Daddy’s here, America. I see you. I hear you. I sniff you and I hug you from behind. Now, as I ask anytime I walk into a room, where am I and what the hell is going on here?

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: We’d also like to welcome California senator, Kamala Harris.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

[Cheers and applause]

Kamala Harris: Thank you. Now, Erin, that little girl you just introduced, that little girl was me.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Yes, I know, senator.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Okay. Just checking because I’m not just that little girl. I’m also America’s cool aunt. A fun aunt. I call that Funt. The kind of funt that will give you weed but then arrest you for having weed. Can I win the presidency? Probably not. I don’t know. Can I successfully seduce a much younger man? You better funting believe it.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Okay. Thank you, senator Harris. And thank you to all of our candidates. Our first question is from Denise Reynolds.

[Cut to Denise Reynolds]

Denise Reynolds: My question is for senator Harris. You said you’d go past impeachment and prosecute Trump directly. Do you still stand by that? [Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Oh, hell yeah. I’m a smooth-talking lady lawyer. I’m Rizzoli and I’m Isles. I’m a walking, talking TNT show. Don’t you want four more years of my dressing down our enemies like this? You call that human rights, China? I call it human wrongs. “Kamala”, Sundays on TNT.

Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: And our next question is from Calvin Millett.

[Cut to Calvin Millett]

Calvin Millett: Yeah, my question is for senator Sanders. The democrats said they’re going forward with impeachment quickly, but do you have the patience to see that through?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Patience? Don’t talk to me about patience. It takes me 40 minutes to figure out how to turn on the TV, every single time? If I accidentally hit input, that’s a whole day. Gone. Gone. Sometimes I sit on the porch and do literally nothing for six hours. I don’t talk to people. I don’t look at stuff. I just sit so still, people gets scared and call 911. And not for the ambulance. For the Coroner.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Thank you, senator Sanders. Next question. Yes?

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: What if Joe Biden gets implicated in this Ukraine scandal in some way?

[Cut to Kamala Harris wearing sunglasses, drinking cocktail]

Kamala Harris: Oh, no. That would be terrible. Not Joe Biden.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Vice president Biden, do you have a response?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Do I have time for a very long story?

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: You have 30 seconds.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Yes, I’m going to blow right by that. The year is 1962. I’m life guarding. No shirt. Tan chest. Medium nips. Oh, and I should point out that it was a segregated pool, just to put everyone on the edge for the rest of the story. So, I’m lifeguarding and who walks in but corn pop?

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: I’m sorry, corn pop?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: So I see corn pop, and he’s carrying a switchblade next to a kid named drumstick wearing brass knuckles. Again, I’m not going to say the races of the kids, but from the nicknames and the types of weapons you should be able to fill in the blanks.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Mr. Vice President—

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Okay, sorry, anyway, long story short –Barack.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Hey. Remember when everyone thought I was going to be the one who seemed out of touch? This guy makes me look like Drake.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Mr. Vice president, I need to say something to you. That corn pop in your story was me. That little corn pop was me. “Corn Pop.” Tuesdays at 10:00 on USA.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: All right. Let’s just go to closing statements. But just from the four candidates who actually have a shot at this thing. Senator Warren, we’ll start with you.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Look. Hey, look. America, I’m fun. I’m like a Brisk walk. I know all the big donors are turning against me. But I’m focused on the small donors. $3 from Andrew at the circle K. 53 cents from a third-grader in Illinois. $800 from an immigrant and stay-at-home mom named Melania. She fighting.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Okay. Now, we’re going to vice president Biden.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Look. I’m like plastic straws. I’ve been around forever. I’ve always worked. But now you’re mad at me? Drink up, America. In closing I’d just like to say one more time, Barack.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Senator Sanders, closing statement?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: America. Here is my promise to you. Free college. Free health care. Free refills on any medium size soft drink. Last time my slogan was “Feel the Bern”. This time it’s “Let’s Bern this place to the ground!”

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Senator Harris, your closing statement, please.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: This Funt would like to take this opportunity to speak directly to president Trump. Mr. Trump, no one is above the law. “Above the Law”. Thursdays on NBS. Gonk Gonk.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: And those are our choices, America. Good luck.

[Ends with CNN Impeachment Town Hall outro]