Tag: episode 12

At the Bar

Bartender… Kenan Thompson

Ace Chuggins… Larry David

Sheila Sovage… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a bartender offering last call at the bar booth]

Bartender: Alright you sad sex, last call. So either hook up now or go home and take care of yourselves.

Ace: Hey bartender, give me a Kentucky Night Cap. That’s a bourbon with tiny old PN floating in.

Sheila: And I’ll take one more vodka chatter please. Might as well, my liver’s losing a jazz to a night by the name of Sir Roses. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Ace and Sheila]

Ace: Well, well, well. Looks like there’s one pickled egg still floating around in a vinegar.

Sheila: And? Why don’t you fish me out, lay me down on a plate and see if you can get pass how I look and smell?

[Cut to Bartender]

Bartender: Please, I had stew for dinner that I would like to stay down.

[Cut to Ace and Sheila]

Sheila: Thank you. Mind if I scoot a little closer pal? The seat I’m on is wet and it is my fault.

Ace: Come on over. As long as you don’t mind the smell of garlic. My D pushed my face into a plate of lasagna earlier.

Sheila: Lasagna, huh? That’s funny. In high school, they called me Garfield coz I hated Mondays and I had a tail.

Ace: Wow! You really know how to make a man confused down there. What’s your name, sweetie?

Sheila: It’s Sheila Sovage. You can remember that coz if you mix up the letters, it almost spells vagastill!

[Cut to Bartender looking disgusted]

[Cut to Ace and Sheila]

What’s your handle brother?

Ace: They call me Ace Chuggins.

Sheila: Ace? Get out! I’m wearing one of your bandages right now coz I ran out of underwear. Wow.

Ace: Ah! Sorry, you’re thinking of a different Ace. I work as a before model for teeth whitening ads.

Sheila: Get out! I have teeth for now.

Ace: That’s insanity. You know, I gotta be honest with you. When I first saw you, I thought I’d have to put a paper bag over our heads. Now I’m like, “Yeah! Just put her in a shadow.”

Sheila: Yeah. And you had me at paper bag on my head.

Ace: Wow!

Sheila: Wow!

Ace: We are connecting big time. Quick! What’s your favorite color?

Sheila: Stripes. What’s your favorite smell?

Ace: No fart.

Sheila: Me too. No fart.

Ace: Really?

Sheila: Something is happening here.

Ace: Oh, it is. It is happening.

[Cut to Bartender]

Bartender: Yes, called an outbreak. And it’s time for you to take the viruses out of here.

[Cut to Ace and Sheila]

Sheila: You heard the man? Why don’t we go back to my place to see how many lays are left in the sack. Crumpled old potato chip bag, huh?

Ace: I bet you, I can have just one.

[Sheila pulls her lipstick out and Ace pulls his chapstick out.]

Sheila: Well, looks like we both just bought a ticket to the kiss concert.

Ace: My tongue’s not as long as Jean Simmon’s, but my penis is even shorter.

Sheila: Let’s do this.

[Ace and Sheila start kissing wildly]

[Cut to Bartender hiding behind a net]

Bartender: No! No!

[Cut to Ace and Sheila]

Sheila: Oh!

Ace: Oh!

Sheila: Wow, that was just amazing.

Ace: I think you gave me black balls.

Sheila: Yikes. Looks like this old Alcamino has stalled on the ramp.

Ace: Well, hang on. Maybe we better take it into the shopping, look under the hood. If you know what I mean.

Sheila: [smiles] I think I do.

[Sheila raises Ace’s wig and kisses on his bald head]

Bartender: Oh, boy!

[The End]

Weekend Update Harvey Weinstein’s Trial & Super Bowl LIV

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Harvey Weinstein using the walker.]

Colin Jost: Harvey Weinstein once again showed up to a court appearance using a walker. And then like Willy Wonka, he dropped the walker, did a somersault and ejaculated into a plant.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Super Bowl, San Francisco and Kansas city logos  at left top corner.]

Michael Che: [laughing] Tomorrow, Super Bowl pit San Francisco versus Kansas city. Hey, just like the election. I don’t know why that’s sad.

[Picture changes to Larry Holmes and Gerry Cooney]

Boxers Larry Holmes and Gerry Cooney are in talks for a rematch nearly 40 years after they last fought. The fight will consist of 10 rounds of boxing and 80 bathroom breaks. It will be the first fight decided by the natural causes.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Greece flag and Katerina Sakellaropoulou at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Greece has elected it’s first ever female president and of course the country is already [Picture changes to Parthenon structure] falling apart!

Michael Che: I liked it.

[Picture changes to Krispy Kreme doughnuts logo]

Colin Jost: Yeah. Krispy Kreme doughnuts announced that it’s opening a flagship store in Time Square. It’s perfect because every time I walk through Time Square, I step in something that can best be described as Krispy Kreme.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a weighing machine at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Wild life experts in England say that an extremely obese owl has been put on a strict diet and has been released back into the wild. Unfortunately, it’s back on it’s old diet of just [picture changes to tootsie pops owl] tootsie pops.

[Picture changes to a heart shaped chocolate box and roses]

A hotel in Canada if offering couples a free night if they check-in on valentine’s day and conceive a baby during their stay. They’re hoping it will get fellas to stop aiming for the blankets. Well, I guess you don’t wanna know. The hotel’s name is the ‘Leave It INN’.

Weekend Update End of Impeachment Trial

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of impeachment at left top corner.]

Well, the impeachment trial is basically over. As a sense, I could have said two weeks ago when the trial began. We didn’t even get to hear any of the witnesses in this trial. And by the way, look the witnesses we could have had. You don’t wanna hear anything from thee guys? They look like two characters in a video game who give you the best information. My questions for them aren’t even about Trump. My questions are like, “What’s your deal? Walk us through a typical day. What kind of food do you eat? Is it human food?”

[Picture changes to Donald Trump and United States Capitol]

It was reported that President Trump pushed for the vote to be on Tuesday so that he could boast about his acquittal during the state of the union, but now experts are saying that Trump might strike a more humble tone. And we actually have an advance copy of his speech.

[Cut to a video clip of a man b-boying in front of the United States Capitol. The boy’s face is edited into Donald Trump’s face.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marked in February at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Ah! What better way to start black history month than to be failed by the justice system. Why was this impeachment ever a good idea? We would have been better off just yelling, “Citizens arrest!” [Picture changes to Alan Dershowitz] And why didn’t we get Alan Dershowitz? This dude was amazing. He somehow convinced the court that a president should be allowed to break the law as long as it’s good for the country. That’s like telling your girl you only cheated to practice being good at sex for her. You know what? That’s it! I’m a republican now. I’m tired of losing. I can’t be a democrat and a Knicks fan. This is too much heart rate, man!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Ken Starr at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Trump’s other attorney was Clinton impeachment prosecutor Ken Starr who said that, “Presidential impeachment has become a weapon to be wielded against one’s political opponent.” Which is a “So hypocritical even a guy like Ken Starr has to be ashamed to make it.” Maybe that’s why he showed up to the trial looking like [Picture changes to Ken Starr at the day of impeachment] a priest walking into a porno theater.

[Picture changes to John Bolton]

In a new book, John Bolton claims that last August, President Trump told him directly that he was holding up aid to Ukraine until they investigate the Bidens. Hey guys, what’s up with the books? When there’s an emergency, just tell us right away. If you’re friend’s about to get murdered, you don’t go off and right a novel called, “The killer behind you”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Palestinian flag and Mahmoud Abbas at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The Palestinian president has rejected Trump’s middle east peace plan saying “1,000 nos to the deal.” Incidentally, 1,000 nos is what Trump calls consent.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jared Kushner at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Trump’s son in law Jared Kushner who I think played Lube Man in Watchman, he has been working on middle east peace plan for nearly three years. So, I’m sure he is evenly considered the feelings on both sides.

[Cut to Jared Kushner speaking on CNN news]

Jared Kushner: The Palestinian leadership have to ask themselves a question. Do they wanna have a state? Do they wanna have a better life? If they don’t, then they’re gonna screw up another opportunity like they have screwed up every other opportunity that they’ve ever had in their existence.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: What? Sounds like someone’s dad is about to bulldoze the community center. That clip is so gross. I have never seen a self entitled, over confident white guy, and I’m me.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Amy Klobuchar at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Senator Amy Klobuchar has been getting a lot of attention during Iowa Caucuses for bringing her families Tater Tot Hot Dish to event. Co-incidentally, Tater Tot Hot Dish is the name of the guy [Picture changes to Joe Biden] Joe Biden wrestled at a public pool in 1962

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mike Pompeo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Secretary of State Mike Pompeo screamed at an NPR reporter because she asked him questions about the Ukraine scandal. Then Pompeo demanded that the reporter point out Ukraine on a map which she easily did. Worse, Pompeo then responded, “Wait, that one is Ukraine?”

Weekend Update Dr. Angie Hynes on Black History Month

Colin Jost

Dr. Angie Hynes… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, today marks the first day of black history month and here to highlight some lesser known historical figures is professor of African-American studies at Rutger University, Dr. Angie Hynes.

[Dr. Angie Hynes slides in]

Dr. Angie Hynes: Alright! Hello. Hello. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you for having me. It is such an honor.

Colin Jost: Black history month, and it’s pretty cool. It’s a leap year. So, we get one more day to celebrate.

Dr. Angie Hynes: [looking at Colin Jost with anger] Yeah, we do. [Michael Che is laughing]

[Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes] Now, when we think about black history month, we usually think of the big ones. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., Rosa Parks, Maya Angelou. But how many of you know about Cynthia Woods? [Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes and Colin Jost] Any idea what she did, Colin?

Colin Jost: No, I don’t think I’m familiar.

[Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes]

Dr. Angie Hynes: Cynthia is a bitch I thought was my friend till she showed up at my wedding wearing all white. Even I felt bad about wearing white. But that bitch ain’t have no qualms.

[laughter]

[Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And what does she have to do with black history month?

Dr. Angie Hynes: She is black, and she is history to me. [Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes] I’m divorced now, but if I see you, Cynthia, i hope you’re still wearing white, coz I’ma introduce yo ass to god.

Now, we all know Malcolm X, but how much do y’all know about Malcolm G? Colin?

[Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: No. I don’t know him. Is he a public figure?

Dr. Angie Hynes: Yeah. [Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes] Malcom G is a fool I work with who airdroped a d pic to me in public. Now, you might be asking how is he relevant to black history month?

[Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Is it because he is black?

Dr. Angie Hynes: And he is history to me. [Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes] And Malcolm G, thank you for helping me finally quit that job, you unhung hero.

[Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow! Dr. Hynes I was expecting you to tell us about people who were a little more well-known.

Dr. Angie Hynes: Oh, you want well known? Well, look at this well known ho.

[Dr. Angie Hynes’s picture appear in the screen]

Colin Jost: Yes, that’s you.

[Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes and Colin Jost]

Dr. Angie Hynes: No, racist. It’s my twin sister. Come on now. Her name is Angel Hynes, but she ain’t nothing but a devil. [Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes] Colin, I had a dream that she slept with my husband. and that’s all I needed to know. You know how they say black lives matter? Here’s one black ass life that don’t matter. And you know what she is now Colin?

[Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: History?

Dr. Angie Hynes: No, her story. Meaning her dead to me. And, look at this idget.

[Cut to picture of duane reade]

Colin Jost: Okay, now that seems to be a picture of duane reade?

[Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes and Colin Jost]

Dr. Angie Hynes: Yeah, duane reade, like walgreens.

Colin Jost: Okay. And what did they do to you at duane reade?

Dr. Angie Hynes: You know what? Thank you for asking. [Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes] I was shopping for none of your damn business. And one of the cashiers said, “Ma’am, your daughter can’t record tiktoks in here” and then pointed at a Colin Jost4-year-old. That’s not my daughter. Bitch, how old do you think I am?” You know the duane reade at 43rd and 8th locks up the lotion? The fa duane? What kind of negro jails the lotion? Duane reade, you black and you history. CBS, welcome to the cookout baby.

[Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And you’re a professor?

Dr. Angie Hynes: On the weekdays. It’s Saturday, so I get it in.

Colin Jost: Angie Hynes, everyone!

Dr. Angie Hynes: Why do we got to have the shortest month?

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.

Weekend Update Chen Biao on the Coronavirus

Michael Che

Chen Biao… Bown Yang

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This week, the World Health Organization officially declared the Corona virus a global emergency. Here to comment is newly appointed Chinese health minister, Chen Biao

[Chen Biao slides in]

Chen Biao: Oh-oh! Michael Che! What’s doing?

Michael Che: Hey, how you doing, Mr. Biao? So, last time you were here, you were China’s trade representative, but now you’re in charge of Corona virus stuff?

Chen Biao: Yeah. I just got the promotion. [Cut to Chen Biao] New gig. It pays more and it’s a lot sadder. And I guess I am China’s new crisis queen. I don’t know.

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: So, what are you qualifications for this new job, anyway?

[Cut to Chen Biao]

Chen Biao: Okay. Well, I’ve been watching all those TLC medical shows. You know, um, Dr. Pimple Popper, I’m in love with my goiter, Little people big ass, it’s a good show.

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: [laughing] Well, 45 million people are quarantine in China right now. So, the situation seems pretty dire.

Chen Biao: Dire? Relax! China’s got this, okay? Middle kingdom unlock. Literally.

Michael Che: What do you say to allegations that the Chinese government is under reporting how many cases of the virus there are?

Chen Biao: [laughing] What? Under reporting? China? [Cut to Chen Biao] How would we even do that? With our state run media? I have nothing to hide, Che. I show my nipples on dating apps. I’m talking full area.

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Well, it has been before. Like, when China down played the SARS outbreak in 2002.

Chen Biao: That was one time! And 2002 was a different world. Spiderman was Toby McGuire.

Michael Che: Okay, but China has placed several cities on lock down.

[Cut to Chen Biao]

Chen Biao: They sure have. Millions of people are on lock down now in China. But you can make it fun. Sort of, um, church lock in vibe? Right? Like, when they talk all day about abstinence but then it’s like, “Okay, now you’re gonna make us sleep in a big room together?” Good plan, youth pastor Ben.

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: [laughing] Who is Youth Pastor Ben?

Chen Biao: Oh, just some guy I hooked up with. [Cut to Chen Biao] And after eight months I was like, “Oh, I cannot fix you sweetie!”

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Okay, what do you think about Delta in American Airlines suspend their flights to China until April?

Chen Biao: Oh, no! I can’t fly American Airlines anymore? [Cut to Chen Biao] The only airline where if you ask for a Sprite, they say, “Is Sierra Mist okay?” Who will I pay to throw my luggage in the garbage?

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That’s a good point. Well, Chen, we know it’s a really difficult time in China right now. And we wish you all the best.

Chen Biao: Oh, well, thank you Che. [Cut to Chen Biao] And we are committed to preventing the further spread of this virus with patience, diligence and these exclusive Chen Biao Burberry surgical mask! [Chen Biao takes a mask with a checked print on it and wears it.]

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Chen Biao everybody!

Chen Biao: Wash your hands. Our phones are covered in poop.

The Sex Talk

Dad… JJ Watt

Brandon… Kyle Mooney

Mom… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with a father knocking at his son’ts door]

Dad: You in there sport?

Brandon: [on the phone] I’ll call you back. Yes, dad.

Dad: Mind if I come in for a sec?

Brandon: We don’t have to talk about it, it’s fine.

Dad: I know, I know. I just figure we’re a little overdue for this chat anyway. So, why don’t you pop a squat, son?

[Dad and Brandon sit down on the bed]

Now, what you just say in the bedroom between your mother and I, that’s perfectly normal.

Brandon: We don’t have to do this, dad. I’ll get over it. It was just weird.

Dad: Well, of course it was but you’ll learn for yourself soon enough that when two people love each other very much, they express it through something called intercourse.

Brandon: Yes, dad. I know that.

Dad: And I gotta be quite honest with you. Sometimes you got to man up and clap them cheeks, you know what I mean?

Brandon: Okay, wow, dad! I’m not talking to you about this. You had sex. It’s fine.

Dad: Well, of course it’s fine, son. It’s a normal beautiful thing. But son, little boys have sex. Me? I’m a big dog and I have that thing woofing, you know what I mean?

Brandon: Look, I’m not an idiot. I guess I just didn’t expect to ever see it. Let alone on my birthday.

Dad: Oh, that’s right. Happy birthday, son!

Brandon: Thanks.

Dad: We got you a cake down stairs but, I should probably wash my hands before any of that.

Brandon: Oh, come on! Oh, god!

Dad: But son, just check this out for a second. It’s noon, I’m sitting at my desk working through lunch so I can provide for this damn family, and she is sending me filthy texts.

Brandon: Stop! Stop! Stop! Please stop!

Dad: I’m just saying, son. She wanted to touch myself at my damn desk, get my ass fired! I’m like, “Woman, are you crazy?”

[Brandon closes his ears]

Brandon: La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.

Dad: So, here’s what I did, son. I faked sick, I hop in the pick up, burn it down 85, went my ass up to the bedroom, opened the door and you know what I saw? I saw that thing up in there already smoking. What time do you think it was, son?

Brandon: I don’t know dad. 1:30?

Dad: It was time to wax. I’m talking Mr. Miagi, you know? Hey, son. I say. Is that a Getaway right there?

Brandon: What? Oh, yeah!

Dad: You know what?

Brandon: Can you maybe not please do that?

Dad: [grabs the Getaway] I’ma need that right about now. Gotta get some of that sweat back in me, you know?

Brandon: Oh, god!

[Mom walks in]

Mom: Knock, knock. What’s up in here?

Dad: Oh, you know. Just little girl talk, babe. Guy talk. Of course.

Mom: Oh, no, no. What is he telling you? Look, I just wanted to say I am so sorry Brandon.

Brandon: It’s okay, mom. Let’s just forget about it.

Mom: No, no, because in a way, this is my fault. You know, you see, your mother has been blessed with what is widely considered to be that good good.

Brandon: Oh, mom!

Dad: We are talking medical grade pure water, son. You know, that type to make a good man kill himself.

Mom: And the worst man kill everybody. Do you understand what I’m saying?

Brandon: Not really to be honest.

Mom: Okay, well let’s put it this way. Could I be working? Yes. Do I work? Hell, no. Why? Well, because this ill nana keeps me taken care of.

Dad: Umph! I can’t lie son, I am a full simp.

Mom: Ya, you know that car outside, this house, the clothes you’re wearing right now are all thanks to the fact that I turned your daddy out. Do you have a girl at school you wanna turn you out?

Brandon: Stop asking about girls. I’m bisexual. There! I said it!

Dad: Oh, son! Wow! That’s fantastic. So, you mean you can stroke anybody down?

Mom: Oh, Brandon. Thank you so much for telling us. We love you more than anything.

Dad: We are so proud of you.

Brandon: Thanks, guys. I love you.

Mom: Now, you’re gonna need to know how to ride that thing like a soldier, okay? Do you need to–

Brandon: Mom! Please! I don’t want to hear this!

Mom: We can help you.

[The End]

Society Debut

Bowen Yang

Henry… Alex Moffatt

Bigfoot… JJ Watt

Kenan Thompson

Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

[Starts with a castle of London, England in 1918.]

Bowen: Henry, aren’t you nervous?

Henry: Do you doubt me?

Bowen: Of course not. But, in four months you’ve done the impossible. You’ve taken Bigfoot from the American wilds and taught him manners and how to comport himself in our society.

Henry: Well, I have to admit, it was a long road. But the past three days have gone perfectly. We play polo and bridge, and had one of his poems published in Ladies’ magazine.

Bowen: Um, you should be self-proud. And there he is.

[Cut to Bigfoot walking down the stairs. He is wearing suit.]

[Cut to everybody]

Henry: Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you my student, Misui Gran Pied, also known as Bigfoot.

[Everybody looking at Bigfoot]

Bigfoot: Charmed! I am Bigfoot.

Kenan: Ah! Bigfoot. Welcome to my party. Please enjoy. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to take care of some business.

Beck: Mr. Pied, would you like some champagne?

[Beck snaps his finger and calls for drinks]

I insist.

Bigfoot: Oh, how thoughtful. But I won’t be drinking this evening. You know what they say? After two drinks, I’m drunk. After three, I’m under the table. And after four, I would take you by either leg and rip you up the middle like a piece of chicken.

Beck: [laughing] I’ve never heard anyone say that. So charming. Good job, old chap!

[Cecily walks in]

Cecily: Um, Mr. Foot. May I have a picture with you? Do the pose with me.

[Cecily and Bigfoot pose by leaning forward and joining their hands]

Ha-ha-ha. Oh, he’s genius. Hey, you must bring him to every party.

Henry: It’s a smashing success.

Bowen: Yes. He’s the toast of the town.

Kenan: He is. Now, if only we could figure out who deposited flocculant on the bathroom floor.

Beck: What was that old chap?

Kenan: Someone has excreciated excrecia on the bathroom floor.

Beck: I think I understand what you’re saying.

Kenan: Well, let me be clearer. He dropped the kids off at the pool but he left them in the parking lot. And it was just one very large kid.

[Cut to Bigfoot]

Bigfoot: Well, you know what they say. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.

Cecily: [laughing] I’m having a delightful time.

[Cut to Bowen and Henry]

Bowen: Professor, did you forget to teach him something?

Henry: Oh, come on! He speaks French. He plays the hop. You can’t tell me this is a big deal.

Bowen: Yes, but I feel like when people think of this party, this will be the thing they’ll remember.

[Cut to Bigfoot]

Bigfoot: Hey, hey. It sounds like whoever did this didn’t get something fully right. But actually, got pretty close. Maybe they should get credit for that.

[Cut to Bowen and Henry]

Bowen: Yes, very close. If we were playing golf, he may not have gotten the hole in one, but he definitely dropped on one the green.

Henry: Indeed. And if he gets the next one in, he’ll have a duce.

[Cut to Bigfoot]

Bigfoot: Enough of this. Should we dance? Let’s dance.

[Cut to everybody]

Kenan: No! The lavatory is decimated. There’s a duke in there.

Cecily: Oh, my! Is he looking for a duchess?

Kenan: No. It is up to the sink, people! Do you understand? A maid is stuck in there.

[Cut to Bigfoot]

Bigfoot: No! I’m so sorry!

[Henry walks in]

Henry: Don’t do this! Don’t show your hand.

Bigfoot: I have to. I must.

[Bigfoot walks to the harp and starts playing it]

I’m sorry. I belong in the woods.

Bowen: Oh, don’t do this Mr. Pied.

Bigfoot: I’m not Mr. Pied. I’m Bigfoot. I’m a beast, an animal. I should be doing naked cartwheels under Secoyas, throwing snakes at the sky, popping up in cabin windows and freaking out teens who are trying to read Dickens and chill. I must go.

Cecily: Wait! [Cecily runs to Bigfoot] Bigfoot, I’m in love with you. I can’t explain it. I would leave everything behind for you. Take me.

Bigfoot: I’m taking her.

[Cecily climbs up on Bigfoot’s shoulder]

Bigfoot: And I’m taking this.

[Bigfoot takes the harp too]

Goodbye!

[Bigfoot and Cecily leave]

[Cut to Beck and Kenan]

Beck: That was my wife.

[Cut to Bowen and Henry]

Bowen: Well, they’re happy.

Henry: That’s what matters.

[Cut to Beck and Kenan]

Kenan: It is indeed. No one has ever fallen in love at one of my parties. [Kenan raises his glass and walks forward]

[The End]

Robbie

Coach… Beck Bennett

Mikey Day

Alex Moffat

Kyle Mooney

Riley… JJ Watt

Robby… Chris Redd

Mr. Philmore… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with coach prep-talking to the football players]

Coach: Gentlemen, this is the playoffs. Clubs in this not gonna–

[Coach realizes the players are not dressed for the game]

What the hell is going on? Why aren’t you all dressed?

Mikey: Some of us were talking coach, and we think Robbie should dress for the game.

[Robbie is sitting on the bench]

Coach: [laughing] You hit your head to hard in practice son? Robbie’s on the practice squad. This is the playoffs. Roster’s set. Now get dressed.

Mikey: This is Robbie’s dream, coach. [Robbie is looking happy] I know there’s no room in the rosters, so I want Robbie to take my spot.

[Mikey hands over his jersey to the coach]

[Alex walks up to Coach]

Alex: Robbie can have my spot too, coach.

[Alex hands over his jersey to the coach too]

Coach: This is what you want?

Alex: Yes, sir.

[Kyle hands over his jersey to the coach too]

Kyle: Robbie deserves it, coach.

Coach: And what about you, Riley?

[Riley stands up]

You want Robbie to take your spot?

Riley: [bleep] No! He [bleep] sucks at football. [Robbie is embarrassed] You guys want Robbie to play in a playoff game? That is crazy! We’re gonna [bleep] lose! He sucks ass! Have you seen him in practice?

[Cut to Robbie sucking at the practice games]

[Cut back to the locker room]

He is dog [shit]. I mean, [looking at Robbie] I’m sorry, Robbie, but you’re dog [bleep]. He’s dog [blee].

Mikey: Robbie’s got heart, Riley! [Robbie is looking happy again] It’s gotta count for something.

Riley: He’s [bleep] his pants in practice last week, Stevens. [Robbie is embarrassed] Again! I didn’t even want run at him and hit him this time. All I did was walk over to him and he crumpled into a little ball, he said, “No, no! Not again! It’s coming out. It’s coming.” I mean.

[Robbie had enough]

Robby: You know what? Maybe you don’t believe in Riley.

Riley: I definitely don’t.

Robby: Okay! But, a friend told me something that made me believe in myself. Right, Mr. Philmore?

[Mr. Philmore is a janitor. He is shaking his head.]

[Cut to Robby and Mr. Philmore in the past. Robby threw his helmet.]

Mr. Philmore: Yo! What? You mad you didn’t make the team? Huh? Well, listen here. You’re five foot nothing. A hundred and nothing. But damn, if you don’t got passion.

[Cut back to the locker room]

Robby: And he gave me the strength to keep going.

Mr. Philmore: Hold on, coz after that I said.

[Cut to Robby and Mr. Philmore in the past]

Mr. Philmore: Unfortunately, passion don’t mean nothing in this level. This is D-1, son and you’re just too tiny. You’re gonna get your ass stocked. Pan-caked, son!

[Cut back to the locker room]

Robby: Right! But you believed. And that’s what’s important.

Mr. Philmore: No, I’ma stop you right there. I said one more thing and it was…

[Cut to Robby and Mr. Philmore in the past]

Mr. Philmore: And who keep letting you in my office? Stop coming back here, man! It’s weird. We ain’t friends.

[Cut back to the locker room]

Mr. Philmore: That’s how that all went down.

Robby: Enough! Okay? Look, coach, you played here. Someone gave you a shot. That’s all I’m asking for. It’s a shot.

Riley: This is so [bleep] dumb! He doesn’t even know the plays, coach!

Robby: I know the playbook front to back. You call any play, I can run any route right now.

Coach: Alright, Robbie, if you get pass Riley, you can dress for the game.

Mikey: Go, Robbie!

[Robbie is happy and Riley can’t believe this.]

[Robby and Riley get ready]

Coach: Alright Robbie, let’s see what you got. Red 7, hud 7.

Robby: Different play, don’t know that one.

Coach: White right on 1!

Robby: Different play.

Coach: Jesus, Robbie. Blue 19 on 3.

Robby: Different play.

Coach: Slat 6 on 2.

Robby: Nope!

Mikey: I’m just gonna take my jersey back.

Coach: Red Devil, on 3.

Robby: Skip!

Coach: Robbie, Angel 6 on 2.

Robby: Got it! What was it though?

Coach: Robbie, Angel 6 on 2.

Robby: I got it, coach!

Coach: Hub, hub.

[Robby runs to Riley. Riley pushes Robby lightly and Robby gets slammed the lockers.]

Mr. Philmore: Dumb ass!

[Riley walks to Robby]

Riley: He’s alright. But I think he might have done another- you know. In his pants.

Robby: I almost did, but hailed it in.

Riley: No, he didn’t.

Coach: Well, that’s it. We got a football game to win, gentlemen!

[all the players cheer and follow the coach]

Pizza Place

JJ Watt

Heidi Gardner

Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with door bell ringing. The delivery guy gets in. Delivery guy and Heidi are standing, waiting for him.]

Delivery guy: Did somebody order an extra large sausage?

Cecily: [moaning voice] Oh, yeah! We sure did.

Heidi: [moaning voice] Is it nice and hot?

Delivery guy: It sure is, ladies. That’ll be 10 bucks.

Cecily: [moaning voice] Oh, but we don’t have any money.

Heidi: [moaning voice] Yeah, is there any other way we can pay for all the sausage?

Cecily: [moaning voice] Yeah, we’ll do anything.

Delivery guy: I mean, I guess there’s one thing you could do.

[Delivery guy opens his jacked and Heidi and Cecily start touching Delivery guy]

[Cut to two hours later at Big Whillie’s Pizza. Kenan is trying to do the accounts but the calculation isn’t right.]

Kenan: I don’t understand. What is going on? I don’t understand why we not making no money. We getting in plenty of orders. Oh, my goodness! What is–

[Delivery guy walks in Kenan’s office]

Kenan: Ay, where have you been?

Delivery guy: Sorry I’m late, man! I don’t think I can do any more deliveries today.

Kenan: You know what? I’ma have to let you go.

Delivery guy: What? You’re firing me? But why, man?

Kenan: Coz you are terrible. Every delivery takes you an hour and then you need a nap. And more importantly, you ain’t brought back a dime yet.

Delivery guy: That’s not my fault. All the customers don’t have any money.

Kenan: This ain’t no charity. This is a business, son. Did you at least bring the pizza back?

Delivery guy: Well, no. Last time I brought one back, you got mad at me.

Kenan: Well, that’s because it had a giant hole cut out the middle of it. Looked like somebody stuck their arm in the damn thing. I can’t resale that.

Delivery guy: Where is that pizza?

Kenan: Well, I just ate it all myself.

Delivery guy: Oh, god, man! Tell me you didn’t eat that pie.

Kenan: I can’t afford to waste no food! I’m broke! Thanks to you. And there weren’t any sausage on it.

Delivery guy: Well, there was.

[phone ringing]

Kenan: Oh, hang on a second there, son. [talking on the phone] Big Whillie’s Pizza, Great Big Willie. Can I take your order? Okay, ma’am. So, you want another extra large sausage for you and your sister to share. Okay. Anything else? Well, he’s being fired right now but I can– hello? Hello? Man, damn phone cut out. Look son, when I met you at that bus station bathroom, you told me that you would do anything to make some quick cash. So, I gave you this job but it just ain’t working out.

Delivery guy: You gotta give me another chance, man! I really, really love this job.

Kenan: Oh, do you? Because you don’t act like it. I mean, did you even shower today?

Delivery guy: Well, yeah, why?

Kenan: Coz you smell like shell fish in karate class. I don’t know what it is but you are ripe.

[phone ringing]

Ay, hold on a second there. [talking on the phone] Big Whillie’s Pizza, we come where you ask. Oh, yes ma’am. You want a nice thick meaty sub for your bachelorette party. In fact, I will personally bring it myself. Hello? Hello? We are losing business coz of this damn phone.

Delivery guy: Sir, there’s gotta be something I can do to keep this job. All do anything!

Kenan: Anything?

Delivery guy: Huh?

Kenan: Did you just say you’d do anything to keep this job?

Delivery guy: Um, yeah. I mean, I guess, man!

Kenan: Well, there’s one thing you can do for me.

Delivery guy: Wait a second sir. If you wanna have sex, I’m gonna need like an hour of nap.

Kenan: Have sex? What the hell you talking about?

Delivery guy: Oh, I thought it was like when I trade sex for pizza, man!

Kenan: What? I just wanted you to shoot my father-in-law for me.

Delivery guy: Thank god!

Kenan: So, is that why you never have my money?

Delivery guy: Well, yeah! But I can explain.

Kenan: Get your ass out of my office! Now! You damn sicko!

[Delivery guy leaves]

[phone ringing]

[talking on the phone] Yes, hello, Big Whillie’s Pizza. Look, lady. We ain’t got no more foot long salami. He has been fired! But can I interest you in a respectable middle sized — hello? Hello? Damn phone!

[The End]

Pilot Hunk

Pat… JJ Watt

Hannah T… Cecily Strong

Hannah V… Heidi Gardner

Hannah Bad… Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Melissa Villaseñor

Ego Nwodim

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Pilot Hunk intro]

Male voice: He’s a big boy pilots with 30 sobbing Hannahs to choose from. Tune in to watch him deep kiss the white girl and high five the black girls. This season on “pilot hunk.”

[Cut to Pat]

Pat: Hi, I’m Pat and I make the plane hurry up. I’m a sky boy looking for my fly girl. Let’s bachelor.

[Cut to Pat and Hannah T]

Hannah T: Mmm, I like this.

Pat: Tell me something about yourself.

Hannah T: I’m Hannah T. I’m 22, and my job is pharma-cute-ical. I sell medicals to the women.

Pat: Oh, I love that. Am I detecting an accent?

Hannah T: Yeah. I’m Jen.

[Hannah V walks in]

Hannah V: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Hannah T leaves] Mm, I like this.

Pat: Tell me something about you.

Hannah V: I am Hannah V. I am 20/30 years old. And I am not cross eyed but that’s the vibe.

Pat: Ha-ha, I love that.

Hannah V: I had so much fun on the lube taste test. I’m a lawyer by the way.

[Hannah Bad walks in]

Hannah Bad: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Hannah V leaves] Mm, I like this.

Pat: Tell me something about you.

Hannah Bad: Well, I’m Hannah Bad. And I’m brutally fragile at home. So, here, it’s absolutely the wheels are coming off.

Pat: Ha-ha. I love that.

Hannah Bad: I know the girls told you rumor about me and it is true. I have brown hair. But you should also know that my mouth is a vacuum hoe. Like, [inhales]

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec? [Hannah Bad leaves] I like this.

Pat: Ha-ha. Are you excited for our trip?

Kate: Yes, I can’t wait to go to Thailand and scream about how the food is gross in front of the woman how cooked it.

Pat: Ha-ha. Different food is gross.

Kate: Actually, I have something for you. I wrote you a letter. It’s a T. I also know a couple of others but I’m gonna play hard to get.

Pat: Ha-ha. I love that.

[Melissa walks in]

Melissa: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Kate leaves] Mm, I like this.

Pat: Tell me something about you.

Melissa: Watching you play soccer with poor kids made me so horny.
Pat: Ha-ha. I love that.

Melissa: Also, it’s my birthday today. I turned 30.

Pat: Oh, happy 30th birthday. [calling guards] Guards!

[The guards take Melissa away]

[Ego walks in]

Ego: Mm, I like this.

Pat: Hey, you.

Ego: You don’t seem surprised to see me. I died last episode.

Pat: Oh, right. What happened?

Ego: I drowned in the shower coz I looked up with my mouth open. They said I could come back if I got alive again. So, I did.

Pat: Thanks for being vulnerable.

[Chloe walks in]

Chloe: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Ego leaves]

Pat: Whoa, another one?

Chloe: Something you should know is that family is really important to me. There’s someone I want you to meet.

[Chloe turns around. There’s a face on her back.]

It’s my twin. She’s the fun one.

Pat: Nice! A threesome.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Chloe leaves]

Pat: Wow, your eyes are peeing. What’s wrong?

Kate: [sobbing] Being here is so hard for me because I’m like, really shy. Like, I was blushing so hard at the thong fashion show, I can’t believe I won.

Pat: Oh, yeah. You got a Martial’s gift card.

[Hannah Bad walks in]

Hannah Bad: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Kate leaves] [sobbing] I’m having a really hard time because the producers, they confiscated my vitains and they gave me a knife.

Pat: Ha-ha. I love that.

Hannah Bad: I want you to know that I’m not just a party girl. I could also be a wife life, watch me drink champagne.

[Hannah Bad pops a bottle of champagne and pours it all over her breasts.]

Pat: Whoa! I think I’m ready to propose… that you leave.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Sorry, can I steal? [Hannah Bad leaves] I love dancing to country singers. Chance to be with you today. Um, but I have to tell you something. Um, he and I dated. Are you mad?

Pat: No, I love that.

Kate: That’s not all. I’ve also date most of the cameramen. Are you mad?

Pat: No, I love that.

Kate: I’m dating a lot of the girls in the house too.

Pat: Whoa, that’s pretty hot.

Kate: Also, one more thing. I looked it up and I make more money than you.

Pat: You know what? Let me walk you out.

[The End]