Tag: Kristen Wiig

Anderson Cooper 360

Anderson Cooper… Alex Moffat

Gloria Borger… Cecily Strong

David Axelrod… Kyle Mooney

Dana Bash… Kristen Wiig

Kayleigh McEnany… Kate McKinnon

Van Jones… Kenan Thompson

Jake Tapper… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Anderson Cooper 360 intro]

[Cut to Anderson Cooper with five participants to his show in the set]

Anderson Cooper: Good evening and welcome to Anderson Cooper 360. It’s been 10 days since the election and we are covering every moment of Donald Trump’s Transition. Joining me tonight at two gib ugly desks are CNN Chief Political Analyst, Gloria Borger.

[She is busy on her phone.]

Gloria Borger: Yeah, uh-huh. Sure.

Anderson Cooper: Former advisor of President Obama, David Axelrod

David Axelrod: Hi, Anderson.

Anderson Cooper: CNN Chief Political Correspondent, Dana Bash.

Dana Bash: It’s Dana, for some reason.

Anderson Cooper: Trump supporter, Kayleigh McEnany.

Kayleigh McEnany: Thank you. I am smug to be here.

Anderson Cooper: And former Obama Administration Official, Van Jones.

Van Jones: I’m the good one.

Anderson Cooper: Now, this has been an unprecedented week, but we at CNN are here to hold Donald Trump accountable. Let’s start with some breaking news. Donald Trump wants top secret security clearance for his kids, even though they’re also running his business. Gloria?

Gloria Borger: Okay, you know what? This is not normal.

Dana Bash: This is crazy.

Van Jones: This is where we in the media have to draw the line.

Dana Bash: Uh- this isn’t like when Trump called women fat. I mean, that was okay, fine, whatever, who cares. But this is different.

David Axelrod: And we cannot let him off the hook this time.

Kayleigh McEnany: Um, can we just remember that most Americans voted for Trump?

Van Jones: Um, actually they didn’t, Kayleigh.

[laughing]

Anderson Cooper: Um, more breaking news. The entire KKK is planning a parade to celebrate Trump’s win. Gloria?

Gloria Borger: Okay, you know what? This is not normal!

David Axelrod: It’s unacceptable.

Dana Bash: This is crazy.

Van Jones: This is where we in the media have to draw the line.

Dana Bash: This isn’t like when he asked for security clearances for his kids. I mean, that was okay, fine, whatever, who cares? But this is different.

David Axelrod: And we cannot let him off the hook this time.

Kayleigh McEnany: Um, can we just remember that most Americans voted for Trump?

Van Jones: Um, actually they didn’t, Kayleigh.

[laughing]

Anderson Cooper: Sorry, more breaking news. Donald Trump may force all Muslims to register in the United States. Gloria?

Gloria Borger: Okay, you know what? This is not normal!

David Axelrod: It’s unacceptable.

Dana Bash: This is crazy.

Van Jones: This is where we in the media have to draw the line.

Dana Bash: This isn’t like when the entire KKK threw him a parade. I mean, that was okay, fine, whatever, who cares? But this is different.

David Axelrod: And we cannot let him off the hook this time.

Kayleigh McEnany: Um, can we just remember that most Americans voted for Trump?

Van Jones: Actually they didn’t, Kayleigh.

[laughing]

Anderson Cooper: Breaking news again. Steve Bannon, a white nationalist has been named Trump’s Chief Strategist. Gloria?

Gloria Borger: Okay, you know what? This is not normal!

David Axelrod: It’s unacceptable.

Dana Bash: This is crazy.

Van Jones: This is where we in the media have to draw the line.

Dana Bash: This isn’t like when he wanted to put all the Muslims on the list. I mean, that was okay, fine, whatever, who cares? But this is different.

David Axelrod: And we cannot let him off the hook this time.

Kayleigh McEnany: Um, can we just remember that most Americans voted for Trump?

Van Jones: Actually they didn’t, Kayleigh.

[laughing]

Anderson Cooper: Looks like we have some more breaking news. I– I– I’m sorry, I just had this weird memory like we keep doing the same–

[Anderson Cooper and all the participants are paused. They are not moving.]

[Two guys come in wearing a protective suit.]

Pete: Which one’s malfunctioning?

Mikey: One on the glasses has skipped out of his loop. He was starting to remember.

Pete: Alright, let’s get it back to programming.

Mikey: Bring in the replacement host.

[Pete and Mikey walk out with Anderson Cooper]

[Jake Tapper walks in as substitute host]

Jake Tapper: I’m Jake Tapper. Breaking news, Donald Trump has settled a massive fraud lawsuit for $25 million. Gloria?

Gloria Borger: Okay, you know what? This is not normal!

David Axelrod: It’s unacceptable.

Dana Bash: This is crazy.

[The End]

Weekend Update Garth And Kat Sing Hanukkah Songs

Michael Che

Kat… Kristen Wiig

Garth… Fred Armisen

[Starts with Michael Che in his set.]

Michael Che: Tonight marks the 5th night of Hanukkah and here to pitch us on their idea for great last minute Hanukkah gift, please welcome celebrated song writer, Garth and Kat.

[Kat and Garth slide in putting on make up.]

[cheers and applause]

Kat: I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.

Garth: Sorry. So sorry about that. Yeah, it took me longer than usual to man-escape. So sorry.

Kat: And I was taking down our Christmas tree.

Michael Che: Wait, taking down? Christmas is a week away.

Kat: No, I wasn’t taking it down like that. I was taking it down like, ‘You suck, you don’t look right.’

Garth: Yeah, it deserved it.

Kat: It really did.

Michael Che: Okay, so I understand you have a brand new Hanukkah album.

Kat: Yeap!

Garth: Yeap! We sure do.

Kat: We sure do, yeap!

Michael Che: Okay, well I’m really excited to hear some of your new Hanukkah songs. What’ the name of the album?

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Garth: The name of the album?

Kat: Oh, thanks for asking.

Garth: It’s called…

Kat and Garth: “Hanukkah is one of the only things that you’re assure to know. And don’t we all?”

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Michael Che: Okay, you have actually written an album, right?

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Garth: Yeah!

Kat: Uh, yeah! And guess what? It rocks!

Garth: Yeah! It rocks… the Jews all night long. And here’s a song from my– this one’s called…

Kat and Garth: Simon’s dreidel.

Kat: Song is cool.

Garth: It’s pretty cool, I have to say. Ready?

Kat and Garth: [singing] Oh-wo-oh-wop!
Oh-wo-oh-wop!
there he had an idea
an idea
an idea for everyone
and they told it as a secret
and they told it as a secret

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Michael Che: [interrupting] Hang on, guys. That does not sound like a written song.

Kat: Sir, don’t sir.

Garth: Come on! Don’t do that.

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Sir, we’re begging you.

Kat: We have sung that song for the past four months on our national tour.

Garth: Yeah! We were in Alan town.

Kat: Pennsylvania.

Garth: Pittsburgh.

Kat: Harrisburg.

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Michael Che: Wait! I thought you said it was national tour. These all places are in Pennsylvania.

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Garth: Well, we also do Hawaii.

Kat: Yes, we do one night in Hawaii and then one night in Pennsylvania, then we go back to Hawaii, then we go back… Urgh!

Garth: It’s exhausting.

Kat: But our next song is really good. I think you’re gonna like this one.

Garth: Yeah! This one’s called…

Kat and Garth: “Every time you wanna know the real, real truth, the best thing to do is ask yourself, coz, whoop!”

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Michael Che: Wait! Can you say it again? What is it?

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Kat and Garth: “Every time you wanna know the real, real truth, the best thing to do is ask yourself, coz, whoop!”

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Garth: It’s just an old song. Here we go, ready?

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Kat and Garth: [singing] Oh, there was a dreidel I saw in the snow
and the snow was in the pile
the snow was in the pile
pile of mud
pile of mud
dig through the mud and get it with a shovel–

Michael Che: Alright! [Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth] Stop! Stop! You clearly have not written anything. I don’t think there’s an album at all.

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Garth: Oh, you don’t think so, huh? [Garth takes his CD out.] Well, I guess I’ll just show you this.

Kat: What’s that?

Garth: What do you call this?

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Michael Che: I call that the Hunger Games soundtrack. You guys gotta go.

Kat: No, please.

Garth: Come on! Please.

Kat: We came all the way from the creation museum.

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Garth: Yeah! Moses had a dinosaur, did you know that?

Kat: Did you know that?

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Michael Che: Okay, you guys have ruined Hanukkah and you wasted my time. You have to go.

Garth: No, no. Please. [Cut to Kat and Garth] Please, we mean it. For real.

Kat: Yes. We have one song.

Garth: We prepared it and everything.

Kat: Yes, it has music. Yes. We’re ready to go.

Garth: It’s very funky.

Kat: Yeap!

Garth: it’s called the…

Kat and Garth: Nora in the window.

Kat: Yeap. Here we go. Ready? Hit it.

[funky music playing]

[Kat and Garth start rocking their bodies.]

Kat and Garth: Hanukkah is just eight nights
but our joy will last all year

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Michael Che: Okay, now this sounds like a real song.

[music stops]

Kat and Garth: And I saw my uncle
I had couple of uncles with grey, grey hair
couple of uncles with grey, grey hair
and they celebrate, celebrate, celebrate, celebrate

Michael Che: Garth and Kat, everybody. [cheers and applause] For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Good night.

Amy Adams monologue with Kristen Wiig

Amy Adams

Kate McKinnon

Bobby Moynihan

Taran Killam

Sasheer Zamata

Kenan Thompson

Kristen Wiig

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Amy Adams.

[Amy Adams walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Amy Adams: Thank you. Thank you so much. It is so wonderful to be here hosting the SNL Christmas show. Christmas is the best time in New York. It is the best. And it has been so great having my four year old daughter here with me, and seeing it all through her eyes. And, if you have kids, you just have to go down to Time Square and meet Christmas Elmo. and if you’re lucky, he’s gonna take his head off and ask you for a cigarette.

But, no, honestly, this is my favorite time of year and just with all of the crazy stuff going on in the world lately, I just– I think we could use a little holiday cheer.

[piano playing]

So,

[singing] Haul out the holly;
Put up the tree before my spirit falls again.
Fill up the stocking,
I may be rushing things, but deck the halls again now.

[Kate McKinnon and Bobbly Moynihan join Amy Adams]

Amy Adams, Kate McKinnon and Bobby Moynihan: For we need a little Christmas
Right this very minute,

[Kate McKinnon and Bobby Moynihan leaves. Taran Killam and Sasheer Zamata come in]

Amy Adams, Taran Killam and Sasheer Zamata:Candles in the window,
Carols at the spinet.
Yes, we need a little Christmas

[Taran Killam and Sasheer Zamata leave. Kenan Thompson comes in and throws snow over Amy Adams and himself.]

Amy Adams: Aw, thanks you guys.

[four men dressed like reindeers bring in Kristen Wiig carrying her horizontally in a line.]

Oh, my god! Kristen Wiig.

[cheers and applause]

Kristen Wiig: Okay, guys, I need you to set me down gently like we talked about. I need a lot of support on my back side. Yes, more support. More. Okay.

Amy, you guys are kidding, right? I mean that’s all the holiday cheer you guys have? Kenan throwing a handful of fake snow at the camera?

Kenan Thompson: Hey, I like how I did it.

[Kenan Thompson throws the snow again]

Amy Adams: Kristen. I am so, so happy to see you, but isn’t this the second time you crashed my monologue?

Kristen Wiig: I’m not crashing. I have just showed up uninvited. Oh, Amy, okay, your song was really great but we need to get a little more energy. You know, these people are Christmased out! You gotta give them some flash, you know. Some sizzle. You gotta give them like, [giving a pose] pow! And then you gotta give them like, [giving two more poses] pow, pow. Now, you try.

Amy Adams: [giving poses] Pow, pow.

Kristen Wiig: That’s pretty good! There you go. Um, can someone please give me my glitter microphone?

[Someone passes her the mic.]

Thank you Mariah Carey.

Amy Adams: That was Mariah Carey?

Kristen Wiig: Yes, but I really don’t wanna make this about her. This is about us.

Amy Adams: Well, I thought that this was about Christmas.

[drums rolling]

Kristen Wiig: [singing] Coz we need a lot of Christmas
right this very minute
the candles are on the randles
and sushi’s in a barrel
penguin in the oven

[Amy Adams stops Kristen Wiig]

Amy Adams: Those are not the words.

Kristen Wiig: It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter what the words are. That’s my point. It’s how you feel. It’s how you make people feel. Now, get in the Christmas spirit and dance with my Christmas song.

[four men dressed like reindeers come in and start dancing. Kristen Wiig leaves and Amy Adams starts dancing with the reindeers.]

[the reindeers carry Amy Adams on their shoulders.]

Amy Adams: Oh, wow! Oh, this is pretty good. [dancing] Oh, this is really good.

[the reindeers leave and Kristen Wiig walks in. Kristen Wiig has a hat that looks like top of Christmas tree.]

Kristen Wiig: Guys, we need a little music
need a little laughter

Amy Adams and Kristen Wiig: Need a little singing
riding through the rafter

[Kristen Wigg is trying to do legs split.]

Kristen Wiig: We need Christmas
We need Christmas

Amy Adams: Okay, stop! Stop! Just stop! Kristen Stop.

[Kristen Wiig is in pain]

Just stop. I really appreciate what you’re doing and that you’re trying to help me, but Christmas isn’t about all of this flashy stuff. It’s about family and friends and being together.

[piano playing]

[singing] We need a little Christmas

Kristen Wiig: Yeah, I want all the stuff.

Amy Adams: Right this very minute.

[Amy Adams removes Kristen Wiig’s Christmas tree hat.]

Kristen Wiig: No, not my hat.

Amy Adams: Candles in the window

Kristen Wiig: My shakers.

Amy Adams: Carols at the spinet.

[Amy Adams points at Kristen Wiig’s breasts and asks to give the cutlets to her.]

Come on!

Kristen Wiig: Argh!

[Kristen Wiig hands them over to Amy Adams]

Amy Adams: Oh, thee are hot! These are hot!

Kristen Wiig: Yeah, those are hot. But, you know what? You’re right.

Amy Adams and Kristen Wiig: We need a little Christmas
right this very minute

[drums rolling]

It hasn’t snowed a single flurry,
But Santa, dear, we’re in a hurry;

Amy Adams: Come on!

[Kate McKinnon, Bobby Moynihan, Taran Killam, Sasheer Zamata and Kenan Thompson join them]

Everybody: So climb down the chimney;
Put up the brightest string of lights I’ve ever seen.

[Dancers with Christmas outfit walk in and dance]
Slice up the fruitcake;
It’s time we hung some tinsel on that evergreen bough.
For we need a little Christmas
Right this very minute,
Need a little Christmas now

[confetti drop]

[cheers and applause]

Amy Adams: Thank you. We’ve got a great show. One Direction is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

[music playing]

[cheers and applause]

Monologue Bill Hader Sings With Kristen Wiig And Harvey Fierstein

Bill Hader

Kristen Wiig

Harvey Fierstein

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[the band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Hader.

[Bill Hader walks in and to the stage.]

[cheers and applause]

Bill Hader: Wow!Thank you, thank you, thank you! So excited to get here hosting Saturday Night Live. What? Oh! I am so nervous. [audience laughing] It’s not a joke. I am so nervous.

A girl in the audience: I love you!

Bill Hader: I love you.

[audience cheering]

Never ever supposed to be on Saturday Night Live. I grew up in Tulsa, Oklahoma like an idiot in some book. [audience laughing] Bill Hader0 years ago, I was working as an assistant editor on Iron Chef America, doing a comedy show in a backyard in Los Angeles. And Megan Maloney saw me and called Lorne Michaels and he came to see me, here I am. It’s crazy.

[cheers and applause]

You know what? Despite all the years in this show and all the movies, I still get up every morning and I go into work on Iron Chef. [audience laughing] Who I am?

I have a new film out right now called ‘The Skeleton Twins’. [cheers and applause] Thank you. With Ms. Kristen Wiig. It’s a spectacular Halloween remake of the classic film ‘Twins’. [audience laughing] You’re very surprised by the good reviews. You know, when I was on this show, I was known for doing impressions. I did Clint Eastwood, Vincent Price, Alan Alda. Basically, I could do anyone over 80. But one thing I never did here was sing because my singing voice is not for everyone. It’s very low. Kind of like Harvey Fierstein. [audience laughing] Yeah! And even though I always dreamed of singing on this show, I’m not gonna put you through that. Okay, don’t worry about it.

[Kristen Wiif walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Kristen! Kristen! I told you to stay back stage.

Kristen Wiig: I don’t recall that. Look, I’m here to help you, Bill. It is your dream to sing on SNL and you’re gonna do it.

Bill Hader: I can’t

Kristen Wiig: Of course, you can.

Bill Hader: Uh! Don’t make me sing.

[music starts playing]

Kristen Wiig: You have to. You have to, because I wrote this song. And if you don’t sing it, I don’t get paid. And I need the money, because I just bought a pantine boat.

Bill Hader: Don’t you mean a pontoon boat?

Kristen Wiig: No, it’s a Pantine boat. I only wash my hair on it. Listen to me.

[singing]

I know you can sing it

go ahead and wing it

they are gonna love it

Bill Hader: No, but Kristen, it’s not that easy. You can do anything!

Kristen Wiig: I know. [audience laughing] Actually, that’s not true. I can’t play the saxophone, but most everything else. Bill, come on, don’t be scared.

[drums roll]

Kristen Wiig: #HaderSinging, it’s already trending

now you have to do it

tonight’s your night

you’re gonna wild the crowd

Bill Hader: Really? [Bill Hader starts rocking his body]

Kristen Wiig: No fear, coz I’m here

so Bill just sing it loud

Bill Hader:[singing horribly] Thank you Kristen Wiig

thank you for talking me into this

this is a dream come true [audience laughing]

I’m really killing this.

Kristen Wiig: Okay, stop, stop.

[cheers and applause]

With love, yikes! That was really, really bad. I love you, but don’t ever do that again to television.

Harvey Fierstein: Don’t listen to her! Don’t listen to her!

[Harvey Fierstein walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig: Harvey Fierstein? What are you doing here?

Harvey Fierstein: I am here saving the day, dammit! Kristen, can I have a second alone with Bill?

Kristen Wiig: I just got here.

Harvey Fierstein: There’s saxophone back stage.

Kristen Wiig: There better be!

[Kristen Wiig walks away]

Harvey Fierstein: Billy, you’re putting too much pressure on yourself. You can’t sing from your head. You gotta sing from your heart. [pointing at Bill’s penis] Sorry! You gotta sing. You gotta listen to me sing, just like me.

Bill Hader: Just like you?

Harvey Fierstein: Exactly.

[drums roll and music starts]

Harvey Fierstein: Now, let your voice be heard

Bill Hader: I’m singing like a bird

Harvey Fierstein: Look, how you did it

[Kristen Wiig walks in playing a saxophone]

Bill Hader: Tonight’s my night

Harvey Fierstein: Damn right, tonight’s your night.

Kristen Wiig: It’s your show, so let’s go

Bill Hader, Kristen Wiig and Harvey Fierstein: Coz it’s Saturday, oh yeah! It’s Saturday night!

Bill Hader: Yeah! We got a great show for you tonight. Hozier is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

[Bill Hader, Kristen Wiig and Harvey Fierstein are dancing on the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Hollywood Game Night with Bill Hader

Jane Linch… Kate McKinnon

Amber… Venessa Bayer

Sofia Vergara… Cecily Strong

Christoph Waltz… Taran Killam

Morgan Freeman… Jay Pharoah

Terra… Aidy Bryant

Nick Offerman… Beck Bennett

Al Pacino… Bill Hader

Kathie Lee Gifford… Kristen Wiig

[Starts with Hollywood Game Night intro]

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to the show]

Jane Linch: Yes! This is Hollywood Game Night. Hello to all of you flying delta.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

I am Jane Linch, America’s no. two lesbian. Here’s how the game works. We pair a normal people with real Hollywood celebrities. They play a series of short games and the winner takes home $twentyfivethousand. Let’s meet our teams. From Madison, Wisconsin, it’s Amber.

[Cut to Amber smiling.]

Amber: Hi, Jane. I love you on Glee.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: That’s enough. And Amber’s team from Modern Family, it’s Sofia Vergara.

[Cut to Sofia Vergara]

Sofia Vergara: I have made the most money of all the TV.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Next up is Oscar winner Christoph Waltz.

[Cut to Christoph Waltz]

Christoph Waltz: It’s so great to be here playing games with all of my friends.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Pace yourself, Waltz. And finally, it’s Morgan Freeman.

[Cut to Morgan Freeman]

Morgan Freeman: You know, we busy ourselves with the game so that the mind does not wander to death. And that is a quote from my new film, Dolphin Tale two.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Nice, nice. And in the opposing couch, we have Terra from Boston.

[Cut to Terra]

Terra: Woo-hoo! I’m here to win.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: And I’m here to keep bailing under tones. Okay, on Terra’s team, from Parks and Recreation, Nick Offerman.

[Cut to Nick Offerman]

Nick Offerman: I’m very excited to be here. You can’t see it, but underneath this mustache, I’m grinning like a little girl.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Hollywood legend, Al Pacino.

[cut to Al Pacino]

Al Pacino: Is it too early to ask to go to the bathroom? I took the Goldschlager and milk on the way over here. And my bones, doctor say they are “dust.” I’m here, I’m here, and I’m ready to play who wants to be a millionaire.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Woof! And finally from Today’s Show, the one and only, Kathie Lee Gifford.

[Cut to Kathie Lee Gifford]

Kathie Lee Gifford: What am I doing here? But I do love games. My husband, Frank and I go play hide and go seek. Problem is, when I hide he doesn’t seek. One time, I found him in Barbados. I’m not kidding.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Cathy Lee, your personality is as strong as my cologne. Alright, Terra’s team, you’re up. I’m starting with a game called Snack Time, where we show you an unwrapped piece of candy and you tell us what it is. And that’s a real game we play on this show. Here’s a candy. Time starts now.

[There is a candy a the screen]

[Cut to Nick Offerman]

Nick Offerman: Jane, that is a healthy stool. Probably from a fox or small child.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Al Pacino: Oh, I got it. I got it! I stake my whole reputation on it. It’s a tiny meat loaf.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Kathie Lee Gifford: Um, I know what that is up there. It’s a television. TV, found home– What am I saying? I’m not ET, but I do love riding on a bike basket. No, I don’t!

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Come on! It’s a snickers.

[Cut to Al Pacino and Kathie Lee Gifford

Kathie Lee Gifford: Oh-oh! We are losers. Now, we know how Helda feels. Don’t worry, she’s not watching this. She’s out in the parking lot because she drove me here. She’s my DD. My designated dummy. What am I saying?

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Alright, Amber, your team’s up with a game called No Harm, No Vowel. I’m gonna show you movie titles with the vowels removed and you guess the movie. Again, real game played by real adults. Here’s your clue. Time starts now.

[The logo of Star Wars is there with ‘A’s in them]

[Cut to Morgan Freeman]

Morgan Freeman: Why must the vowels be marginalized? Diminish cast aside. In the great sweep of infinity, all letters are equal.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Got a guess there, chief?

[Cut to Morgan Freeman]

Morgan Freeman: Ah! Titanic?

[wrong answer buzzer]

Christoph Waltz: Oh! Jane, the answer has been very evident to me. It is obviously the famous Austrian film, ‘Vankaisa Ditschitnum Frolanda Haiser’.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Amber: I don’t know the answer, but I do know, I love Pepsi. [Amber drinks a Pepsi showing the can] I just made one billion moneys!

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: It’s Star Wars. My god!

[Cut to Al Pacino]

Al Pacino: Hey, Jane! I just realized something. You and I have the same haircut!

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: I don’t cut my hair. This is just as far as it grows. Alright, since we’re tied at 0, it’s time for the tiebreaker round. Each contest gets to pick one celebrity from either team to play on their behalf.

[Cut to Amber]

Amber: Um, I’ll go with Al Pacino.

[Cut to Al Pacino]

Al Pacino: Alright! Let’s go, baby!

[Cut to Terra]

Terra: And I’m gonna go–

[Cut to Terra’s team]

Kathie Lee Gifford: Oh! Oh! Pick me! Pick me!

Terra: I guess, I’ll go with Kathie Lee Gifford.

Kathie Lee Gifford: What? [acting surprised] Alright, well I’m calm, but this train just got to stop at the wine cooler station. Too-too-toooo! [Kathie Lee Gifford refills her wine glass.]

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Alright, get on up here. Come on! Real play ball.

[Cut to everybody. Al Pacino and Kathie Lee Gifford are walking to the stage.]

[Cut to Al Pacino, Jane Linch and Kathie Lee Gifford]

Okay, let’s get ten seconds on the clock. Kathie Lee Gifford, you’re first. Finish this movie quote. “Life is like a box of …”

[Cut to Kathie Lee Gifford and Jane Linch]

Kathie Lee Gifford: Tampons. Helda’s like, “What are those?” She doesn’t need them anymore. [singing] Lady no red. Gray gardens! Is that a movie? I haven’t seen it. What am I saying?

[time buzzer]

Jane Linch: You’re saying nothing. Nothing!

[Cut to Al Pacino, Jane Linch and Kathie Lee Gifford. Jane Linch walks to Al Pacino]

Alright, Pacino. Your turn. ten seconds on the clock. Finish this quote my friend. “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a…”

[Cut to Jane Linch and Al Pacino]

Al Pacino: Prostitute a home address. Last time I did that, I woke up duck taped to a fan. Logan kids were throwing rocks at me. Worst night of my life.

[Cut to Al Pacino, Jane Linch and Kathie Lee Gifford]

Jane Linch: Okay, that’s all the time we have. Once again, the only winner is me. I want an Emmy for this. Good night.

Last Call with Adam Sandler | Season 44 Episode 19

Bartender… Kenan Thompson

Bernie Letser… Adam Sandler

Sheila Sauvage… Kate McKinnon

Melba Toast… Kristen Wiig

[Starts with a bartender cleaning the booth.]

Bartender: All right everybody, last call. So you bar flies either need to find a place to lay your eggs or fly home to your dumps.

Bernie Letser: Not so fast, bartender. [Cut to Bernie] I think I’ll have one more Hot Toddy.

[Cut to Sheila]

Sheila Sauvage: I’ll have a Pinot gris ho. That’s a dry red with a potato skin floater. I’m not driving. Not with this. [Sheila shows her heels] He went to Jared.

[Cut to Bartender, Bernie and Sheila]

Bartender: Oh, my god, just drink ‘em and git. I got to find a church that’s still open.

[Bartender leaves]

Bernie Letser: Well, well, well. Spring has sprung and it looks like there’s one little daisy sucking up the last of this stinking by water.

Sheila Sauvage: Wow, well, you know what they say, April showers bring memories of that shower I had in April. I’m Sheila Sauvage. [Sheila puts her arm on Bernie’s shoulder] You can remember that because if you shake up the letters, it spells shallow veg.

[Cut to bartender]

Bartender: Yes, hello. You got the number of CDC? I want to report two new viruses.

[Cut to Bernie and Sheila]

Sheila Sauvage: You know my name, Fella, what about you? What’s on your apartment buzzer?

Bernie Letser: Other than the notice from animal control that ways we’ll try again tomorrow. It says Bernie Letser.

Sheila Sauvage: Wow. When I first saw you I was like, not for a million dollars. Now I’m like, I’ll do it for five. You got to show me the five first.

Bernie Letser: Well, I’m packing five if you measure from my head.

Sheila Sauvage: Oh!

[Melba joins]

Melba Toast: He’s right. It’s an Inny when it’s hard. [Cut to Sheila and Melba] Hi, I’m his wife, Melba Letser Toast. Is this our third? She’s human, right?

[Cut to Melba, Bernie and Sheila]

Sheila Sauvage: Wow. I didn’t see you there. I thought you were an eye floater.

Melba Toast: Oh, it’s not your fault. [Cut to Sheila and Melba] I was on the floor.

Sheila Sauvage: Oh, yeah? Were you doing business or looking for gum?

Melba Toast: Actually neither. My colostomy bag got caught in the jukebox and things went south from there. Am I turning you on?

[Cut to Melba, Bernie and Sheila]

Bernie Letser: No baby.

Sheila Sauvage: You know, god must have spent a little more time on you, cause there are so many ideas going on here.

Melba Toast: Well, you should know, we’re poly.

Sheila Sauvage: Amorous?

Melba Toast: Cystic. Lots of Cysts.

[Cut to bartender]

Bartender: Here’s looking at you, kid. [Bartender puts a dynamite in his mouth and lights it]

[Cut to Melba, Bernie and Sheila]

Bernie Letser: So how shall we start this little ménage a toilet? Double 69?

Sheila Sauvage: Maybe we start with a Seven11, that’s where we all get in bed and roll around like old hot dogs and not touch each other.

Melba Toast: Well. We’re on board. [Melba supports her breasts with her hands and puts it on the booth. It sounds very heavy.]

[Cut to bartender]

Bartender: Just get your gross on already.

[Cut to Melba, Bernie and Sheila]

Bernie Letser: You heard the man.

Sheila Sauvage: All right. Hang on. I want to be fresh here. Excuse me.

[Sheila takes a cleaner spray out and sprays in her mouth]

[Sheila then sprays in Melba’s mouth]

[Sheila and Melba start kissing badly, licking each other’s mouths]

[Sheila then sprays in Bernie’s mouth]

[Sheila wipes Melba’s face with a wiper and starts kissing Bernie badly]

Bernie Letser: Well, I just had an orgasm.

[Sheila wipes her own face with a wiper]

Melba Toast: I didn’t finish but I am done.

Sheila Sauvage: I’m wet but it’s definitely just sweat from my butt. All right. Well, since we’re all dogs, I guess there’s just one thing to do. Let’s lady and the Tramp this sucker. Hey, bar keep, is this spaghetti still in the garbage?

[Bartender brings up the garbage and give them the spaghetti]

Bartender: It absolutely is.

Sheila Sauvage: Let’s arrange this here.

Bernie Letser: Okay, nice.

[They put spaghetti in their mouths and then suck them in]

Sheila Sauvage: Careful. Just like the movie, baby.

[Cut to bartender. He has a moustache and a harmonium.]

Bartender: [Starts playing harmonium and singing]

This is the night
such a beautiful night

[Cut to Melba, Bernie and Sheila eating spaghetti with their fists]

[Cut to bartender]

Love makes fools of us all. All right, time for the drone strike.

[Cut to everybody. Bartender is controlling the drones flying around.]

[Cut there is an explosion in the bar]

Sandler Family Reunion | Season 44 Episode 19

Waiter… Chris Redd

Adam Sandler

Ring… Kyle Mooney

Mac… Mikey Day

Shawn Mendez

Ron Bacon… Kenan Thompson

Janet Sandler Bacon… Aidy Bryant

Pete Davidson

Bobby… Melissa Villaseñor

Chubbs… Leslie Jones

Beck Bennett

Mom… Kristen Wiig

Dad… Jimmy Fallon

[Starts with Waiter serving beer to Adam]

Waiter: Here’s your Heineken, Mr. Sandler.

Adam Sandler: Cool.

Waiter: [In Billi Madison voice] So cold! Do you want to drink tiny? Like Billy Madison.

Adam Sandler: I got that, that’s very funny.

Waiter: If you don’t mind me asking, how do you come up with all your characters and stuff?

Adam Sandler: I don’t know, I think they just kind of come to me.

Waiter: That’s kind of a lame answer, all right. Enjoy your reunion.

Adam Sandler: Yeah, there’s lots of Sandlers here, it’s a sandstorm.

Waiter: All right.

[Waiter leaves]

[Ring and Mac joins Adam]

Ring: Hello, Mr. Hollywood big shot.

Adam Sandler: It’s cousin Ring, cousin Mac, good to see you.

[Cut to Ring and Mac]

Ring: Yes sir. Habito-poo-poo!

Mac: Habito-pee-poo!

[Cut to Adam]

Adam Sandler: Habito-yahoo!

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Mac: Adam, I was so excited when I heard you were coming, I was like, “Habito-woo-hoo!”

Adam Sandler: I don’ know. It’s been forever. How have you guys been?

[Cut to Ring and Mac]

Ring: Trying to get my real estate license now. Who knows, we shall see-hoo!

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Adam Sandler: Great! Good luck.

Mac: As for me, [Cut to Ring and Mac] I got a– got-a-divorce. Very messy.

Ring: She was screwing his best friend.

Mac: Ha-ha. Shut up!

Ring: You shut up!

[Cut to Adam]

Adam Sandler: Shut up! Come on! There’s kids here. Oh, my god, is that my nephew Shawn? He’s still at the kids’ table.

[Shawn is sitting at the kid’s table with two other kids]

Shawn: What’s wrong? Want some McDonald’s? Will somebody get this kid a happy meal?

[Cut to Pete with a mic announcing]

Pete: Excuse me. May I have everyone’s attention, please. Hello, Sandlers.

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Habito-wee-whoo!

Pete: I just wanted to say, big hand for Ron Bacon and Janet Sandler Bacon for planning this whole thing.

[Cut to Janet and Ron]

Janet Sandler Bacon: Our pleasure. A-habida-dibada-doo!

Ron Bacon: Yes, yes. You know, I’m still not great at this, you all are doing an little invisible Clarinet thing. Is that what it is? It doesn’t matter. Slibida-bib-bap!

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: We’re so happy to have cousin Adam this year. Watch what you say about him because you might end up in one of his movies.

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Adam Sandler: What? I don’t use your guys for material.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: I don’t know about that, Adam. Because now I saw a movie where you picked someone who looked just like me. I seen that on the big ‘ol screen and said, “Hey, that’s me up there”.

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Adam Sandler: No, I promise you, Bobby, Bouchet is not based on you.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: I know that, dear, I was talking about the Big Daddy movie.

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Adam Sandler: Not that either. I can promise you.

[Cut to Chubbs]

Chubbs: I know Happy Gilmore, the Chubbs was based on me. How do I know this? A, my first name is Chubbs. B, I have a fake hand. And C, I’m a golf instructor. It’s all in the hips. You stole that from me.

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Adam Sandler: All right, maybe a borrowed some stuff from you guys. I swear to you, I didn’t do that a lot.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Yes, sure you didn’t. Everybody’s enjoying the party.

[Beck joins Pete]

Beck Bennett: Hey, Excuse me. Are we going to do the karaoke now?

Pete: Oh, no! The Karaoke is canceled.

Beck Bennett: Oh, okay. Cool. Once again, something that could have been brought to my attention yesterday.

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Adam Sandler: I’m going to go say hi to my mother, wish me luck. [Adam walks to his mom] Hi ma, great to see you. What do you think of the reunion? This is a whole family–

Mom: They’re all going to laugh at you.

Adam Sandler: They’re not laughing, they love me.

Mom: No!

Adam Sandler: Come on, ma, be nice.

Mom: They’re all going to laugh at you.

Adam Sandler: No!

Mom: No!

Adam Sandler: Ma, stop.

Mom: No

Adam Sandler: Shut up!

Dad: Why don’t you shut up.

[Dad comes in]

Adam Sandler: Papa. How are you doing?

Dad: [Speaking things that’s not understandable, but Adam Sandler is understand]

Adam Sandler: Oh!

Dad: That’s right, but the doctor says it’s nothing to worry about.

Adam Sandler: Oh, good.

Dad: How about I sing the Sandler family song. I wrote it 70 years ago.

Adam Sandler: No, nobody wants to hear that. I wouldn’t want to do that. And nobody wants to hear that.

Dad: I just want to. I would be great if I did that.

Put on your yarmulke
Here comes Chanukah
So much funukah
To celebrate Chanukah
Chanukah is the festival of lights

Adam Sandler: I agree with mother. Let’s take a picture. Yo, come on, Colbert. Snap us. [Cut to everybody getting together for a family picture] Everyone get in. Okay. Come on. Stop looking at me. Shawn. Come on, take the picture. Take it. Ready? One, two, three.

Everybody: Habito-wee-whoo!