Tag: Leslie Jones

Katz’ Deli

Venessa Bayer

Cecily Strong

Miley Cyrus

Ronda… Leslie Jones

Waiter… Jon Rudnitsky

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with women colleagues having meal at a restaurant]

Venessa: It’s so cool this place is right around the corner from the office.

Cecily: Yeah, I can’t believe this is the actual table where Meg Ryan had that famous fake orgasm scene.

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Miley: Oh! ‘When Harry met Sally’ is my favorite movie.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: I must have seen it 50 times.

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: I must have seen it 100 times.

[Cut to Ronda. She is bored.]

Ronda: Let’s talk about something else please.

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: Guys, you know what would be fun?

Miley: Oh, I think where you’re going with this.

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: Me too. We order a big old plate of potato salad in Pig Out.

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: I’m gonna do the Meg Ryan part.

Miley: Oh, go ahead girl. I am sure people do it here all the time.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Okay. I’ll be Billy Crystal. Okay. [acting] Sally, no one’s ever faked it with me. I can tell. It’s pretty good.

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: [faking orgasm] Oh! Oh! Oh, yes! Yes! Yes!

Miley: Oh, my god! You are so crazy! I wanna try.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Okay, okay. No one’s ever faked it with me. I can tell–

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: You know. You don’t have to do that every time.

[Cut to Miley]

Miley: [faking orgasm] Oh! Oh! Oh, yes! Yes! Yes! [laughing] Actually what I do when I fake it.

Cecily: You had me convinced. Hey, you do it Ronda.

[Cut to Ronda shaking her head]

Ronda: No!

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: It’s fun. Just do what you do when you have an orgasm.

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: Oh! Alright! Alright! Let me see. Let me see. Oh! Oh! Oh! Yeah! [smiling] Yeah!

Miley: There you go, Ronda! You’re getting into it.

[Cut to everybody]

Ronda: Oh. [yelling] Oh, man! Oh god! This is good! [others are looking around embarrassed] You’re blowing my mind with the little pecker man! That thing sneaks up on your bro, hot dough! I mean you got it all, baby. Little pecker! [smiling] Good pumps. Faaan-tastic! Oh, no! [yelling] The condom busted! I can’t have a freaking baby! I’m a dancer!

[others are embarrassed]

That was fun. That was fun. Is that like they do it in the movie?

Miley: Not really. [Cut to Cecily and Miley] It’s more like a real orgasm.

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: Oh! Okay. I get it now. I get it.

[Cut to everybody. Waiter walks in]

Waiter: Are you ladies ready to order?

Ronda: Um, we actually need another minute.

[Waiter walks away]

Cecily: I could have ordered.

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: Okay. Um, um.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Okay, we’re not doing that anymore. Honey, okay?

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: [closing eyes] Oh, yeah! [yelling] This feels so good, good, freaking!

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Miley: Ronda!

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: [yelling] Oh, no! The condom busted through!

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Again?

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: I can’t have your baby, Marco! You are my brother’s husband!

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: What?

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: Don’t cry, Marco. If you cry, I’ll cry. You gotta stay with my brother, finish out the con. Hold on a minute, Marco. [yelling] Occupied! O-ccu-pied!

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Miley: Wait! You’re in a bathroom?

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: Clean it later! We’re using it.

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: So, that’s all happening while you’re orgasming?

[Cut to everybody. Waiter walks in.]

Waiter: Right! Are you ladies ready to order yet?

Venessa: God, yes! Thank you. Okay, three turkey sandwiches and big old plate of potato salad?

[Cut to Ronda showing her thumbs up.]

[Cut to everybody]

Waiter: Um, fun fact, did you know this is the actual table from ‘When Harry Met Sally’?

Miley: Yes. Yes. We did know that. Thankyou.

Ronda: Yeah. I liked the scene where she’s like, [Cut to Ronda] “Oh, yes! Yes! Give it to me Marco. What’s that Marco? You got a surprise for me? Well, where is it? Under the covers? I don’t see what the– [yelling] A dutch oven? Marco! Pulling the sheets over someone’s head and farting is sign of disrespect in this country. I got so much to teach you, Marco. [yelling] Oh, no! The condom busted again! You’re little pecker is too sharp!”

[Cut to everybody. They’re all embarrassed.]

[Cut to Kate sitting in another table staring at Ronda]

Kate: I’ll have what she’s having.

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: She’s having a big old plate of potato salad.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Oh, then definitely not. I’ll have a soup, hot!

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: I’m not the waiter.

[Cut to everybody]

Venessa: Let’s get out of here. I know a place that’s marvelous, baby! Perfect Billy Crystals.

[The End]

American Voices about the talk show

Ruby Nichols… Leslie Jones

Janine Katz… Sasheer Zamata

Jackie Katz… Kyle Mooney

Absin… Kenan Thompson

Mom… Cecily Strong

Regie… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with American Voices intro]

Male voice: Tonight on American Voices. Corso, Litterman, Leno, Falon. The late night talk show landscape has been home to some of America’s great talents. All of them fun. And just about all of them, men. But was it always this way? [A picture of Ruby Nichols appear] Actually, one of Television’s very first talk shows was hosted by an African-American woman, comedian Ruby Nichols.

[Cut to Janine Katz- Ruby’s Granddaughter]

Janine Katz: My grandmother started out in the 1940 on the legendary Chitland circuit doing party records like, Skunkment for Supper, and Who Sat On These Biscuits? But her big break came when she married my grandfather, TV producer Jackie Kats.

[Cut to a picture of Jackie Katz and Ruby Nichols hugging]

[Cut to Janine Katz]

Unfortunately this show had a couple of obstacles to overcome. Their band leader was blinded in an auto-plant accident. And they shot it in Atlanta which still wasn’t fully desegregated.

[Cut to Too Late with Ruby Nichols video bumper]

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Ruby Nichols]

Ruby Nichols: Thank you. Thank you. You all see this? They had a big Hollywood movie opening last night. Vertigo, did anyone see it? You did? Well, I didn’t, because they wouldn’t let me in the Theater.  Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. They wouldn’t even let me in the front entrance of this theater and this is my show! Ha-ha-ha-ha. Makes me deeply sad.

Anyway, I want y’all to meet Absin on the piano. How you doing, Absin?

[Cut to Absin]

Absin: I- I- I’m doing real good. I’ve been resting comfortably since the accident. I don’t know what all the fuss was about. I don’t miss seeing nothing.

[playing piano]

[Cut to Janine Katz]

Janine Katz: To say it read people the wrong way is an understatement. But, ABC bravely kept it going and until the Hailey Mill’s episode. My grandmother was always frustrated. She was the only one on TV who had to have a day job.

[Cut to Ruby Nichol’s talk show set. Ruby Nichol, Absin and Miley are sitting.]

Ruby Nichols: Thank you for being here.

Miley: Thank you. I didn’t know what to expect.

Ruby Nichols: That’s how I feel all the time.  [laughing] Let’s talk about this movie. A lot of people are talking about parent trap. You seen it Absin?

[Cut to Absin and Miley]

Absin: Ya, I saw it twice.

[Cut to Absin, Miley and Ruby Nichols]

Ruby Nichols: [laughing] Well, did you bring your twin here tonight?

Miley: I don’t have a twin. They shot me as a two different characters, you silly.

[Cut to Ruby Nichols]

Ruby Nichols: [laughing] Alright, you got one more time to call me silly.

[Cut to Miley]

Miley: I can just show you a bit if you like.

Ruby Nichols: Yes. I’d love it.

[Cut to a clip from the movie. Abygal played by Miley and Mom are sitting.]

Mom: Oh, Abby, please. At least eat your pie.

Abygal: I don’t want it mama, now that daddy’s not here. Not now, and not ever.

[Regie walks in]

Regie: Oh, now, come on Miss Abygal. Now I reckon I make all these pies for them now to get ate up. You hear? It will make me smile. Come on, now. Give old Regie a smile.

[Regie makes Abygal smile by pulling her lips at the two end with his fingers.]

[Cut to Ruby Nichol’s talk show set.]

Miley: Oh! Perhaps not the best clip to show.

Ruby Nichols: Ha-ha-ha. Question. You couldn’t make your own pie?

Absin: [talking to the crew members] Look here, do me a favor. Make sure my car’s running.

Miley: Ummm…

Ruby Nichols: I’m just so sick of Hollywood making us look like this. You know, I’m gonna tell you right now what I think of every white person here.

[Video cuts to a screen message “Please stand by”.]

[Cut to American Voices outro]

This Is How I Talk

Jay Pharoah

Venessa Bayer

Donald… Louis C.K.

Brenda… Leslie Jones

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Sprint phone shop]

Jay: So, that’s pretty much how the job works, Donald. Welcome aboard.

Venessa: When you’re here at Sprint, you’re a framily.

Donald: Well, thanks again. Like I said, I really need this job. I haven’t worked for a long time and I don’t want to blow another opportunity.

Jay: Well, if you care about keeping this job, word of advice, don’t piss off Brenda.

Brenda: Oh, I’m sorry. Am I running the charity here? Coz the last time I checked, I’m paying your asses to work. Okay? Which means your asses better be working or else, you’re done!

Jay: Yes, ma’am!

[Brenda leaves]

[Cut to Donald]

Donald: I’m guessing that’s Brenda. Wow, is that how she really talks?

[Brenda comes back]

[mocking Brenda] I’m paying your asses to work. Which means your asses better be working.

[Cut to Jay and Venessa. Venessa is warning Donald about Brenda.]

Venessa: Okay, dude. Don’t!

Brenda: Excuse me? I’m sorry. [Cut to Donald and Brenda] Is that how you think I talk? Is that your little impression of me?

[Donald looks around]

Donald: [trying speak like Brenda as if he speaks like that all the time.] Why you fronting on me? I ain’t talking like you. I’m talking like my damn self!

[audience laughing]

And your ass better back up coz otherwise you’re gonna be clowned on this fellow, umm!

Brenda: So, you’re saying this is how you actually talk?

Donald: I’m talking like my mama taught me to talk. And if you clowning on my mom then you’s about to get bounced!

Brenda: Okay. If that’s how you really talk then we ain’t got a problem.

Donald: Um-hmm. Well, okay then. [snaps]

[Brenda leaves]

[Cut to Jay and Venessa]

Jay: Dude, what the hell was that?

[Cut to Donald]

Donald: [speaking normally] I don’t know. I just got caught and I panicked.

[Cut to Jay and Venessa]

Venessa: What are you gonna do now?

[Cut to everybody]

Donald: I mean I need this job. [Brenda walks behind Donald] I just gonna have to stay this way.

Jay: Like, forever?

Donald: [Donald starts acting again] Like, I was saying. Who you think you is? Angela bastard! I ain’t tryna’ front on no chicken hog.

[looking at Brenda] Oh, damn, Brenda! Where did you get those nails did. They on fleek!

[Brenda walks away quietly]

That was close. I don’t know how long I can keep this up.

[Cut to Sprint- One Year Later]

[Cut to Donald and a customer]

Aidy: So, basically I can’t text outdoors, which seems pretty bad.

Donald: Ah! Well, that’s not ideal but I think I can probably help.

[Brenda walks in]

[Donald starts speaking like Brenda again] And you can start by taking that fake ass weave out of your head!

Aidy: Excuse me?

Donald: Showing up here like you looking like you late for church. Okay? Coz I keep it 100.

[Brenda nods her head to Donald]

Aidy: Okay, what is happening here?

Donald: Woman! I still see you! You gone!

[Aidy leaves]

[Cut to Brenda and Donald]

Brenda: Damn, Donald! You’s a crazy bitch.

Donald: I just get angry sometimes, you know?

Brenda: You know what? I feel you. I feel you. But you right here, I need you right here. [showing she needs him to be a little lower] You putting too much two on the 10. You know what I’m saying? I need you to pump your brakes just a little bit, okay?

Donald: Okay, I respect that from my heart. Real talk, good looking.

Brenda: You welcome, boo!

[Brenda leaves]

[Cut to Sprint- Five Year Later]

[Cut to Donald and a customer]

Donald: [speaking like Brenda] Well, I ain’t gonna sell yo no iPhone 10 coz  you ain’t a 10, honey. You’s a straight up four. Coming in here with your 3G clothes and your 3G purse.

Kate: I just wanna buy a charger.

Donald: You gone!

[Kate leaves]

Brenda: Donald! Can I talk to you for a second?

Donald: Sure enough. What’s up, sugar?

Brenda: Listen, at first I doubted that was your real voice. But, no one fronts for five whole years! So, I promise boo, we good okay? We good now.

Donald: Yeah, you do. I be me.

Brenda: But I actually have a confession to make. This is my real voice. [speaking calmly] This is how I really talk.

Donald: Whaaaat?

Brenda: See, I went to a good college, but when I showed up for my interview, they thought I was straight out of Compton so I just went with, you know, that voice and hid my real one for all these years.

Donald: [speaking in real voice] Oh, my god! Well, this is how I really talk. So, I guess I don’t have to keep pretending like I talk like you.

Brenda: [yelling] Bitch, I knew you was faking. Get your broke ass our of here you fake ass fronting for five years. You go!

Donald: Dammit!

Brenda: Old job at a hut looking white bitch!

[The End]

Summertime Cold Open

Kenan Thompson

Cecily Strong

Bobby Moynihan

Leslie Jones

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Jay Pharoah

Venessa Bayer

Taran Killam

Aidy Bryant

Pete Davidson

Sasheer Zamata

Bill Clinton… Darrell Hammond

[Starts with two couples enjoying a picnic]

Kenan: Oh, gosh! What a perfect day for a picnic. It’s so nice out there.

[cheers and applause]

Cecily: I’m just so glad it’s finally that time of year again. You know what I mean.

Bobby: I sure do.

[music playing]

[Cut to Cecily and Bobby]

Cecily: [singing] There’s a breeze in the trees and the suns on my knees that can only mean one little thing

Cecily and Bobby: It’s summer
I can’t believe it’s finally summer
no worries or cares
just fun everywhere
it’s summer, summer time

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: It’s summer
I’m so happy that it’s summer
no more days spending tired
it’s time to unwind
it’s summer, summer time

[Hillary Clinton walks in and sits on the table]

Hillary Clinton: Hi. How are you?

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

May I have just a moment of your summer? Hello. I’m Hillary Clinton. I’m running for president of this United States.

[Cut to everybody]

Kenan: Yeah, but that’s not for a long time. Now it’s summer vacation.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Ah! My last vacation was in 1953. I played one round of hopscotch with a friend. I found it tedious. I mean, why hop when you can march… straight to the White House?

[Cut to everybody]

Cecily: Well, this summer, I’m going to a water park.

Leslie: And I’m going to Spain.

Hillary Clinton: Well, that’s fun. [Cut to Hillary Clinton] And I’m going to fertilize a plant to talk of immigrants about the dream act.

[music playing]

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: It’s summer, summer time!

[Cut to three three surfers with their surfing boards.]

Kyle: Dudes! The ocean looks so perfect.

Jay: Yeah, the waves are totally righteous.

Beck: They sure are. And you know why?

[music playing]

Surfers: [singing] It’s summer
the ocean’s perfect in summer
and this season’s my fav
let’s go catch some waves
it’s summer, summer time

[Hillary Clinton comes in dancing]

Hillary Clinton: Ay, there, 18 to 25 year olds. How does it all hang?

Jay: What?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton posing in front of Kyle’s board]

Hillary Clinton: God, I love summer. You know, fun fact about summer. You know Bernie Sanders? This is his 73rd one! [laughing by herself] I guess the old age thing is his narrative now. Will you summer kids help me spread that?

[Cut to everybody]

Beck: Um, we were about to hit the waves.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: That’s cool. You know what else is cool? In two years, I’ll be 69. [Cut to everybody] Do you like that? Bill told me to tell that to young males.

Kyle: Cool! We gotta go. I can hear the ocean calling.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: And I can hear the screams of a dying middle class.

[music playing]

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: It’s summer, summer time

[Cut to Venessa and Taran cycling on the beach]

Venessa: Honey, I think this is the best day I’ve ever had.

Taran: I never wanted to end, summer I mean.

[music playing]

Venessa and Taran: [singing] It’s summer.
Hey, it’s finally summer
we’ve nothing to do
it’s just me and you

[Hillary Clinton starts running by their cycle]

It’s summer–

Hillary Clinton: Hi. Hillary Clinton. Hello. I love that tandem bike. If you elect me, I promise to work in tandem with congress.

Venessa: So, you’re running on the beach in a wall suit jacket. Aren’t you hot?

Hillary Clinton: Yes, I’m hot… for America. And I will run until I meet every voter alive. And then this November, I shall collect my reward.

Taran: Well, the election’s next November. So, you still have another summer of this.

[Hillary Clinton starts running faster than the cycle towards the camera]

Hillary Clinton: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Venessa and Taran: It’s summer, summer time!

[Cut to Aidy and Pete building sand castle]

Aidy: We’re gonna build the coolest biggest sand castle ever!

Pete: It’s gonna have a moat and everything.

[music playing]

Aidy and Pete: It’s summer
we’re so glad it’s finally summer
no homework or school
no teachers or rules

[Hillary Clinton walks n]

it’s summer, summer time!

Hillary Clinton: I love your sand castle.

Aidy: Thanks. It’s our dream house.

Hillary Clinton: Oh, neat! This is my dream house.

[Hillary Clinton shows a White House made out of sand.]

Right here. Look at that. Isn’t it fun? Why don’t you tell your parents to vote for me? Hillary Clinton.

[Cut to Aidy and Pete]

Aidy: Oh, they don’t like you.

[cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: What? Why not?

[Cut to Aidy and Pete]

Pete: I don’t know. They just don’t.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Well, what can I do moving forward to earn their vote?

[Cut to Aidy and Pete]

Aidy: Um, I think nothing coz they said they don’t like you, and they just never will.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton, Aidy and Pete]

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] What a fun thing to hear for almost 20 years.

[Hillary Clinton destroys Aidy and Pete’s sand castle.]

[music playing]

Hillary Clinton, Aidy and Pete: It’s summer, summer time.

[Cut to Sasheer with her friends putting on some sunscreen lotion.]

Sasheer: Wow, the sun is bright today girls. Better lotion up. I’ve got my arms but can someone help me reach my back?

[Bill Clinton walks in]

Bill Clinton: I can do that.

[cheers and applause]

Sasheer: Wow, thanks Mr. President.

Bill Clinton: God, I love summer.

[music playing]

Sasheer and Bill Clinton: It’s summer
god I freaking love the summer

[Hillary Clinton walks in]

Hillary Clinton: Ah! Ah! No, no, no, no!

[Hillary Clinton pulls Bill Clinton away]

Bill Clinton: I’m sorry.

Hillary Clinton: Billary Rodham Clinton, what are you doing?

Bill Clinton: [speaking to Sasheer] It’s my mom! Sorry!

[Sasheer leaves]

Hillary Clinton: We’re supposed to be campaigning, Bill.

Bill Clinton: Come on, Hillary. I mean, don’t you ever just wanna have one chill peaceful day?

Hillary Clinton: Yes, of course I do. I have the perfect peaceful day planned. On the final day of my eight years as president, my soul will leave my body, shoot into the sky and become an eternal ball of bright white light. Then, and only then, shall I know peace.

Bill Clinton: Holy mother of Chelsea, ha-ha-ha.

[music playing]

[everybody walks in]

Everybody: It’s summer
everyone, enjoy your summer
sand under our feet
non-stop meet and greet
it’s summer, summer time!
it’s summer, summer time!
And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Weekend Update Leslie Jones on Social Media

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A new study shows that one in seven couples break up because of their behavior on social media. Here with her take is our relationship expert, Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

Leslie Jones: Woo! What’s up, Jost baby? How you dong?

Colin Jost: I don’t know. You tell me, Leslie. What’s going on?

Leslie Jones: Oh, yeah. I’m gonna. See, um, here’s my complain. Couples are always texting each other and on Facebook. Nobody writes love letters anymore.

Colin Jost: They don’t write love letters?

Leslie Jones: Well, maybe you do, you sexy cream sickle.  Just wanna chump all the orange off and get to the cream. [Cut to Leslie Jones] No guys ever wrote me a love letter. So, I wrote one to this guy that I had a four year booty call with.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Four year booty call?

Leslie Jones: That’s what I said!

Colin Jost: Okay.

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: To whom it may concern. [looking at the camera] And you know who you are. I miss you. I miss you every morning when I wake up. And I miss you– I miss sitting in front of your house wondering why the lights are on. Love, Leslie.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Why are you still writing him letter?

Leslie Jones: Coz he blocked me, Jost. I’ve been blocked! Can’t call, can’t text, can’t poke, can’t like. [Cut to Leslie Jones] [yelling]And it’s driving me crazy! Which is why I wrote this second letter.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, no, no, no.

Leslie Jones: Dear ass face! [Cut to Leslie Jones] How dare you block me? Coz you didn’t block me from paying your motel six bill when you lost your house. And you sure as hell didn’t block me from giving you that special thing you like doing halftime at sports center.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Um, yes. Sports center doesn’t have a halftime.

Leslie Jones: You know, I thought I was down there a long time.

Colin Jost: Oh! [shaking head]

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: But I still miss your sexy foreign accent saying, “Leslie, you are so sexy Leslie. [making noise]”

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That’s a person?

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: You like Fox News or sex? I know its all lies, but it just can’t get enough.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay, so now, what are you doing to get over this guy, Leslie?

Leslie Jones: I don’t know. Which is why I wrote this third letter… to myself.

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Dear Leslie, what the hell wrong with you? You still hung up on this loser? You live in New York and you are on Saturday Night Live. You need a man who appreciates Leslie Jones for who Leslie Jones is. Tall, loud and phenomenal in bed.

Colin Jost: And humble.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost. Leslie Jones stares at Colin Jost]

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: You need to date a man who puts other people before himself like a bodyguard or offensive lineman. So if there’s any offensive lineman out there, listen up. I’ll be your Tom Brady and deflate your balls all day!

[Cut to Leslie Jones an Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everybody!

Leslie Jones: [yelling] Unblock me! Unblock me!

Southern Ladies

Nat… Cecily Strong

Carolyn… Aidy Bryant

Merilyn… Kate McKinnon

Terilyn… Leslie Jones

Jerilyn… Reese Witherspoon

[Starts with five women talking and drinking in home.]

Nat: Oh, what a week. Doesn’t it just feel to just sit and sip some wine? So, how y’all doing? Let’s just go down the line. Carolyn?

Carolyn: Um, not good.

Nat: Hmm, Merilyn?

Merilyn: Not good.

Nat: Terilyn?

Terilyn: Uh, real not good.

Nat: Jerilyn?

Jerilyn: Not good!

Nat: Well, I’m not good either. So let’s just find out what’s going on. Carolyn, what’s up?

Carolyn: Well, my husband’s back in prison.

Others: Whaaaat? Oh, no!

[Cut to Jerilyn]

Jerilyn: Prison? Well, foot!

[Cut to Carolyn]

Carolyn: It’s okay. He went back on purpose. He said he missed his friend.

[Cut to Jerilyn]

Jerilyn: Oh, foot!

[Cut to Carolyn]

Carolyn: Oh, it’s okay. At least now I can sleep spread out like a star-fish again.

[Cut to Nat trying to pour wine on Carolyn’s glass]

Nat: That deserves a fill-up sweetheart. Okay. Alright, so what’s wrong with you, Merilyn?

[Cut to Merilyn]

Merilyn: Oh, nothing. Except, I hit on my own son on Tinder.

[Cut to Jerilyn]

Jerilyn: Whaaat?

[Cut to Merilyn]

Merilyn: Yeah! All he asked was a torso pics so I sent a pic of me and my bra and the message, “Where you at?” And he said, “Upstairs, mom!”

Nat: Oh, nooo!

Merilyn: Well, we laughed about it.

[Cut to Carolyn]

Carolyn: Did you pray also?

[Cut to Merilyn]

Merilyn: Yes, a lot!

[Cut to Nat]

Nat: Jerilyn, what are you down about?

[Cut to Terilyn and Jerilyn]

Jerilyn: Oh, it’s not worth talking about.

Terilyn: Sure it is. It will make you feel better.

Jerilyn: Well, you all know how my husband’s in that coma.

Nat: Oh, yes, since the day you got married.

Jerilyn: Yeah, well, this last Saturday, he woke up. And guess what? He brought out demon back with him.

Terilyn: Na-ah!

Jerilyn: Yes! He talks in tongues, and toasters flying all around. I was trying to watch castle and the TV grew a mouth and called me a whore!

[Cut to everybody]

Merilyn: How rude!

Carolyn: In your own home?

[Cut to Jerilyn]

Jerilyn: And I said, “Hey Carl! Guess who’s just heard enough of this? The answer is me, bud!” And the next thing I know, the Persian carpet I’m standing on yikes out off under me, rolls me up inside like beans in a burrito and tosses me right through our brand new pillow windows.

[Cut to everybody]

Carolyn: Those are nice!

[Cut to Jerilyn]

Jerilyn: I mean, not anymore! Thanks to that demon known as Nogi Negipet.

[Cut to Nat]

Nat: Alright, so what’s up with you, Terilyn?

[Cut to Terilyn]

Terilyn: Well, it’s the last summer with my foot apparantly.

[Cut to Nat]

Nat: What’s that now?

[Cut to Terilyn]

Terilyn: The doctor said I could kiss a goodbye after all those cigars I smoked.

[Cut to Nat]

Nat: Now, when did you smoke cigars?

[Cut to Terilyn]

Terilyn: Well, when I worked on Wallstreet, I had a box a day habit. That’s when I wore big blazers and just cursed at everybody. “Buy that stock, bitch! Sale that buy bitch!” and etcetera.

[Cut to Nat]

Nat: Well, what you gonna do?

[Cut to Terilyn]

Terilyn: Well, I’m just gonna dance till August and then throw off half of my shoes.

[Cut to Jerilyn]

Jerilyn: Poor foot!

[Cut to Nat]

Nat: Well, y’all. I hate to pile on, but I had traumatic experience of my own that I’m still dealing with.

[Cut to everybody]

Carolyn: Well what happened, Nat?

Merilyn: Tell us.

[Cut to Nat]

Nat: I got pranked by a sperm bank.

[Cut to Carolyn]

Carolyn: The one downtown?

[Cut to Nat]

Nat: Um, that’s the one. I parked in their private space, I guess. Anyway, I answered the doorbell this weekend and apparently they had rigged a bucket.

[Cut to Carolyn and Merilyn]

Merilyn: [sighs] You don’t mean!

Carolyn: Oh, no!

[Cut to Nat]

Nat: I do mean! No, I’m no expert, but I must have been covered with a seed of over 100 men.

Merilyn: Noooo!

Nat: I can’t even talk about it. And ya, you know, there was a note that said, “This was the first of three pranks”. And I said, “Boy, if this is the first!” Ouf! Anyway!

[Cut to Jerilyn]

Jerilyn: Ladies! Weren’t we supposed to be doing something?

[Cut to Nat]

Nat: Oh, yeah! We need to freaking rob this house. Let’s do it.

[Cut to everybody. They stand to get started.]

Terilyn: I got the couch.

Nat: Well, let us help you with the couch.

Terilyn: Don’t, I got it.

Nat: Well, you’re gonna get hurt!

Terilyn: [yelling] I said I got it.

[The End]

High School Theatre Show with Reese Witherspoon

Aidy Bryant

Reese Witherspoon

Taran Killam

Kyle Mooney

Kate McKinnon

Bobby Moynihan

Leslie Jones

Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

[Starts with Woodbridge High School Student Theatre Showcase]

Aidy: Good afternoon and welcome to Woodbridge High School Student Theatre Showcase.

Reese: Written and directed by us, the students.

[Cut to the audience clapping]

[Cut to Aidy and Reese]

Aidy: Now, today’s show isn’t just a show. It’s also a seed.

Reese: A seed that will sprout change in our town and hopefully the whole world.

Aidy: And now, without further due, please enjoy the pulse of progress, heart beat of change.

[music playing]

[the light dims and other student members enter the stage]

[The lights are on again. Taran is sitting on a box while others are looking at him.]

Kyle: The time, now. The place, any high school in America.

[Kyle walks to another box]

Reese: [pointing at Taran]Who is that guy?

Aidy: He’s weird.

Kate: He’s a nerd.

Reese: He’ll never be anything.

Kyle: But what happens if we fast forward thirty years?

Kate: Who’s that guy?

[Taran stands up]

Reese: He is… the President.

[music playing]

[the light dims and students are rearranging the boxes on the stage.]

[Cut to Bobby and Leslie in the audience]

Bobby: Your daughter’s really good.

Leslie: She is my step daughter, and no, she’s not!

[Cut to the stage]

[The lights are on again. Everyone are standing behind the boxes but Aidy.]

Aidy: [gesturing typing on computer] Check out this new dress I got.

Everybody: [gesturing typing on computer] Like, like, like, like, like.

Aidy: I had a rough day today. Feeling kind of sad.

Everybody: [gesturing typing on computer] Like, like, like, like, like.

Aidy: I need some help. I think I’m depressed.

Everybody: [gesturing typing on computer] Like, like, like, like, like.

Taran: [walking towards Aidy] Next time, don’t like. Love!

[music playing]

[the light dims and students are rearranging the boxes on the stage.]

[Cut to Bobby, Leslie and Beck]

Leslie: Oh, no! You’re gonna be in the play, aren’t you?

Beck: Um, no! I’m just a regular audience, guys!

Leslie: No, you’re not! You’re sitting too far forward. You just gonna suck!

[Cut to the stage]

[The lights are on again. Everyone are posing around the boxes.]

Kate: How many times a day do you judge a book by it’s cover? [Kate jumps to Kyle] Excuse me, sir. Are you homeless?

Kyle: No, I’m just cold. I’m very rich.

Everybody: Wow!

[Kate walks to Reese]

Kyle: Excuse me ma’am. Are you rich?

Reese: No, I just have good posture. I’m homeless.

Everybody: Wow!

Kyle: Audience member, are you enjoying the play?

[Cut to Bobby, Leslie and Beck]

Leslie: Here we go.

Beck: Actually, I’m not an audience member. I’m in the play.

[Cut to the stage]

Everybody: Wow!

[music playing]

[the light dims and students are rearranging the boxes on the stage.]

[Cut to Bobby and Leslie]

Leslie: Who is this play for?

Bobby: The program says that it is dedicated to John Lenon and Shonda Rhimes.

[Cut to the stage]

[The lights are on again. Everyone is sitting.]

Aidy: Whisper. Whisper.

Everybody: [following Aidy] Whisper. Whisper. Whisper. Whisper. Whisper. Whisper. Shout!

[music playing]

[the light dims and students are rearranging the boxes on the stage.]

[Cut to Bobby and Leslie]

Leslie: How long have they been rehearsing this?

Bobby: Every single day for a year.

[Cut to the stage]

[The lights are on again. Everyone is standing.]

Taran: Did you hand in that paperwork?

Reese: Yes!

Everybody: Rush! Rush! Stress! Stress!

Kyle: Did you finish those files?

Reese: Yes!

Everybody: [louder] Rush! Rush! Stress! Stress!

Aidy: Did you see your daughter’s first steps?

Reese: No.

Reese: Yes!

Everybody: [slowly] Rush! Rush! Stress! Stress!

[music playing]

[the light dims and students are rearranging the boxes on the stage.]

[Cut to Bobby and Leslie]

Bobby: I mean, is no one supervising this? I mean where is their teacher?

[Cecily leans towards Bobby’s ear from behind]

Cecily: Trust me. I made cuts.

[Cecily smokes and leans back.]

[Cut to the stage]

[The lights are on again. Everyone is sitting on the boxes.]

Aidy: Bang!

Reese: Bang!

Kyle: Bang!

Kate: Bang!

Beck: Bang!

Taran: Bang!

[Everyone stands up]

Aidy: And guess what?

Everybody: We were black.

[music playing]

[the light dims and students are rearranging the boxes on the stage.]

[Cut to Bobby and Leslie]

Leslie: [standing] Yeah, I’m not okay with that.

[Cut to the stage]

[Everybody bowing down]

Aidy: Thank you. It is now time for a brief intermission during which we will all be laying on stage asleep like our congress

Reese: Feel free to come up here and look at us up close.

[the student performers pretend that they’re asleep]

[Leslie walks in front of the stage]

Leslie: Man, screw this. I’m going home to watch Judge Judy.

[The End]

Virgin Flight

Pilot…Taran Killam

Co-pilot… Pete Davidson

Scarlett Johansson

Venessa Bayer

Bobby Moynihan

Aidy Bryant

Jay Pharoah

Leslie Jones

[Starts with a video clip of a flying airplane]

Pilot: Um, hey there folks. We’ve reached increasing altitude which means I’ll turn off the seat-belt sign. [Cut to four people in the airplane] Welcome aboard our newest jet, the Virgin Dream Liner. [Cut to the cockpit] The seats are softer. There is more leg room. And it’s big and as spacious as your living room. [laughing]

As a special treat, those in first class will enjoy the services of the airline industry’s first fully automated flight attendants.

[Cut to the first class. The door opens and the automated flight attendants walk in.]

Scarlett: Welcome aboard.

Venessa: Thank you for flying Virgin Atlantic.

Pilot: These bionic ladies can do everything a human crew can do [cut to cockpit] except complain that their feet hurt. [laughing]

[Co-pilot shakes his head]

That sounded a little sexist. I certainly did not mean it to. My apologies. Sit back, relax, enjoy the flight.

[Cut to Venessa serving Bobby]

Venessa: Welcome aboard. On your service tablet, you ordered a Sprite. Is that correct?

Bobby: Yeah.

Venessa: I’m having trouble hearing. Can you speak clearly and into my face? My microphone is in my face.

Bobby: [leaning towards Venessa’s face] Yes!

Venessa: Okay. We’re all set. Here’s your Sprite. Happy Halloween.

Bobby: Halloween? It’s May.

Venessa: Good bye!

[Cut to Scarlett serving Aidy]

Scarlett: Hi, on your touch screen under ‘Treat yourself’, you requested one blanket. Would you like me to place one blanket in your hand or in your leg?

Aidy: Um, in my hands please.

Scarlett: I’m sorry. I’m having trouble hearing you. Can you speak clearly and loudly into my face?

Aidy: [standing and leaning towards Scarlett] In my hands.

Scarlett: I’m sorry. One more time.

Aidy: [standing and leaning towards Scarlett] [yelling] Hands, woman! Hands!

Scarlett: Okay, great! Here is your blanket. What will you be for Halloween this year?

Aidy: What?

Scarlett: I’m going as Red riding hood from Into the Woods.

Aidy: Well, it’s not Halloween.

Scarlett: Happy Halloween. Good bye.

[Cut to cockpit]

Pilot: Um, hey there folks. For those of you in first class, you may have noticed that automated flight crew think it’s Halloween. Just a little hiccup in the system. They’re running on last October’s program. Their technology is very advanced but also very new. So, we appreciate your patience.

[Cut to the first class. Scarlett and Venessa are throwing the towels to the passengers.

Scarlett and Venessa: Hot towel. Hot towel. Hot towel. Hot towel.

Venessa: Bien bonito, good bye.

[Cut to the cockpit]

Co-pilot: Um, I think the whole towel thing is happening again.

Pilot: Oh! Hey, there, folks. Sorry for these inconveniences. These girls are a little stubborn much like real women.

Co-pilot: Captain!

Pilot: Yeah, that most definitely was sexist and I truly do apologize. Did not mean it that way at all.

[Cut to Venessa serving Jay]

Venessa: Hello. You ordered 38 boxes of animal crackers. [Jay is shaking his head] Here are your animal crackers.

Jay: Ay, no!

[Venessa starts pouring the boxes on Jay]

I didn’t! I didn’t! I didn’t order no crackers.

[Cut to Bobby using his phone. Scarlett walks to him.]

Scarlett: [takes Bobby’s phone away] Your phone is not on airplane mode. Your phone is not on airplane mode.

Bobby: No, it is. It is.

[Scarlett walks to Aidy]

Scarlett: [picking up Aidy’s purse] Thank you for your trash.

Aidy: Wait! That’s my purse, robot!

[Scarlett walks away]

[Venessa walks up to Leslie]

Venessa: Hello, you indicated on your service tablet that you are a child who is flying alone and scared.

Leslie: No, I didn’t. I’m a grown ass woman.

Venessa: How about a Soda-pop as a special treat?

Leslie: No, I’m good.

[Venessa throws a glass at Leslie then starts pouring the soda on her pants.]

Hey! Man!This is Lane Bryant!

Venessa: Adios Amigo! Good bye.

[Cut to Scarlett and Bobby. Scarlett is making sound on Bobby’s ear.]

Bobby: Are you okay? Okay, I think this one’s broken!

[Cut to Pilot]

Pilot: Um, to all the first class passengers, I’d just like to sincerely apologize on behalf of Virgin. It says here that one of our flight attendants is full on broken. [Cut to Pilot and Venessa. Venessa is sitting on Co-pilot’s seat.] And it also looks like the other one has made her way into the cockpit. Not quite sure what she did to my co-pilot. But, um, while I find out, we’re gonna make an emergency landing in Phoenix, get our ducks in a row. Hey, thanks for flying with us. And happy Halloween. [laughing]

[The End]

Home 2

Jim Parsons… Taram Killam

Rihanna… Sasheer Zamata

Kendrick Lamar… Jay Pharoah

Missy Elliot… Leslie Jones

Nicki Minaj… Taraji P. Henson

Sofia Vergara… Cecily Strong

Rick Ross… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with DreamWorks Sneak Peek video bumper.]

[Cut to a trailer of animated movie ‘Home’]

Male voice: This April, DreamWork’s newest animated movie ‘Home’ is  dominating the Box Office. Thanks to the voice of Jim Parsons as a lovable alien outcast.

[Cut to Jim Parsons doing the voiceover]

Jim Parsons: My hands are in the air like I just do not care.

[Cut to a girl from animated movie]

Male voice: And Rihanna as an earth girl with an attitude.

[Cut to Rihanna doing the voiceover]

Rihanna: Our tradition is to punch you in the nose. Ay-ay-ay.

Male voice: So, DreamWorks is already at work on Home 2. With Jim Parsons and more hiphop than you can handle. Featuring characters like Twee Tor, the alien voiced by Kendrick Lamar.

[Cut to Kendrick Lamar doing the voiceover]

Kendrick Lamar: Yo, I’m Twee Tor

so let’s hit the skies in my bubble car

it runs a milk shakes from here to the north star

Male voice: It’s a G rated run featuring the OG’s of rap. Including Missy Elliot as Boop the sky.

[Cut to Missy Elliot doing the voiceover]

Missy Elliot: Well, I’m not from this galaxy. I’m from [mumbles]

Male voice: Nicky Minaj doing double duty as star cops Thwick & Thwack.

[Cut to Nicki Minaj doing the voiceover]

Nicki Minaj: I’m all so sorry but you’re under inter-gallectic arrest.

Jim Parsons: Well I’m–

Nicki Minaj: [interrupting] Bro, I ain’t sorry, coz Thwack don’t apologize.

Jim Parsons: You don’t under–

Nicki Minaj: You have the right to remain silent.
Jim Parsons: Oh!

Nicki Minaj: But I won’t remain silent. I have a right to remain violent.

Jim Parsons: Do I need to be here for this?

[Cut to animated movie clips]

Male voice: You’ll be spending all of your young money on this funky fresh sequel, featuring Sofia Vergara as nurse Bickle Bam. With Rick Ross as Sky Cat.

[Cut to Sofia Vergara and Rick Ross doing the voiceover]

Sofia Vergara: Oh, you have a wound rash.

Rick Ross: Sky Cat!

Sofia Vergara: You don’t have to say your name before every line.

Rick Ross: [looks around] Sky Cat!

[Cut to animated movie clips]

Male voice: And we’re pulling out all the hiphop starts with Alt rappers Die Antwoord, as alien babies Peebo & Quiggles.

[Cut to Jim Parsons and Die Antwoord members doing voiceover. Jim Parsons is scared of them.]

[Cut to animated movie clips]

Be sure to download the Home 2 soundtrack, featuring the hit single, Hustle Home.

[Cut to Jim Parsons singing]

Jim Parsons: [singing] Hustle home…

[Nicki Minaj comes in]

Nicki Minaj: [rapping] Don’t send me with a hustle
I’m the almighty hustler
They all must be talking
but nobody touch us

Male voice: Home 2. Coming this summer

Cinema Classics Their Own League

Reese De’What… Kenan Thompson

Coach… Taran Killam

Katty… Venessa Bayer

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

Bobby Moynihan

Aidy Bryant

Taraji P. Henson

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Cinema Classics intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Cinema Classics on PBS.

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Good evening and welcome to Cinema Classics. I am Reese D’What? The Natural, Field of Dreams, movie celebrating America’s past time have inspired and entertained audiences for decades. Sadly tonight’s film entitled, “Their Own League” is a forgotten example of the genre. Why is it forgotten? I do not know. This is not why I’m here. I’m not a good guesser. Ask my wife. She recently asked me to guess what she was going to do to me in bed. And I said, “I don’t know. Let me be.” Let us take a look at a scene from “Their Own League”.

[Cut to a scene from the movie]

[Cut to a coach yelling at his players. The players are females.]

Coach: You dang girls. How am I supposed to coach this team with nothing but a bunch of dang girls.

[Katty stands before Coach and wipes her tears]

Are you sobbing? There is no sobbing in baseball! This is pathetic. I’m gonna go drink Coca-cola that still has cocaine in it.

[Coach leaves. Cecily walks to Katty]

Cecily: Hey, don’t let him get you down, Katty. He’s just a big old bully.

Katty: Maybe he’s right. Maybe girls shouldn’t play baseball.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Of course he’s not right.

[Cut to Bobby and Aidy]

Bobby: Yeah, we should be aloud.

Aidy: Yeah, we can play this game as well as any man.

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Katty: You mean it?

Cecily: I sure do! Now say it! Women can play baseball.

Katty: Women can play baseball.

[Cut to Bobby and Aidy]

Bobby: Women can play baseball.

Aidy: Women can play baseball.

[Taraji walks in. She is wearing very lady-like dress and a hat.]

Taraji: So, can I play baseball?

[Everyone looks at her not wanting to answer the question]

[Cut to Taraji]

What? What is it?

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: It’s just–

Kate: We kind of already have the woman thing. You know? Don’t really want to complicate it.

[Cut to Taraji]

Taraji: Oh, I get it. It’s coz I’m black.

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: No, no. It’s not that.

[Cut to Taraji]

Taraji: Then what is it?

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: No, it’s that.

Katty: People are actually pretty ticked that we are doing it. Imagine if… you know it.

[Cut to Taraji]

Taraji: I– I don’t know.

[Cut to Bobby and Aidy]

Bobby: Darling, face it. It’s coz you’re not a classic beauty like the rest of us.

Aidy: No, no.

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Katty: That’s not it.

Kate: Look, we’re gonna pave the way for black women in professional baseball. But it’s gonna take time.

Cecily: Yeah, yeah. Come on, you know the plan. Like, first white women are allowed to play baseball. Then black men are allowed to play. Then all women are allowed to play under hand with a big softball like a child.

[Cut to Bobby, Aidy and Taraji]

Bobby: Yeah. That’s a good plan.

[Leslie walks in. She is tall and looks more athletic.]

Leslie: What about me? Can I play?

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: Oh, this blows coz we can really use her in our team.

[Cut to Bobby, Aidy, Taraji and Leslie]

Aidy: Yeah, forget about the team. We could use her in the war.

Bobby: Yeah, send her overseas to kill some crouts.

[Cut to Taraji and Leslie]

Leslie: So, You saying I could play?

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Kate: Okay, okay. Here’s the thing. While our husbands are away, we are the racists.

[Cut to Taraji and Leslie

Taraji: Look, ladies. Whether you like it or not, black, white, we are all women. And we’re all in this together.

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: hey, maybe she’s right, girls. Maybe they should be allowed to play.

[Cut to everybody]

Taraji: Really?

Cecily: Yeah!

Girls: Yeah!

[Coach walks in]

Coach: Alright! Listen up. I got some good news. The war’s over. The men are coming home, so get off the dang field and never come back!

[Cut to Reese De’What]

Reese De’What: Sadly, Their Own League never made it to theaters as it was sued for copyright infringement by the makers of ‘A League Of Their Own’, which came out two years earlier. Youch! For Cinema Classics, I have been Reese D’What?

[The end]