Tag: Leslie Jones

Trump’s Tweets

Donald Trump

Taran Killam

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

Vanessa Bayer

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Donald Trump sitting on a couch]

Donald Trump: Hello everyone. I hate to break it to you guys but I’m not going to be on the next sketch. It was too busy and I was too busy and I just didn’t want to rehearse. You know what? It’s still going to going to be great. And since I can’t do it and be in it, I’ll do the next best thing, I’ll live tweet it. Sit back, relax, enjoy the sketch and enjoy my tweets.

[Cut to Cecily and Taran at a restaurant]

Taran: Ah! I have got to say there is nothing more romantic than celebrating our honeymoon here in Italy.

Cecily: Aw, I’m so sad this is our last night in Rome.

Taran: I know. Tomorrow, it’s back to Cleveland.

Donald Trump’s tweet: This sketch is not funn. @TaranKillam is a dumb loser.

[Taran and Cecily is looking around]

Cecily: Ha-ha. I’m so excited for dinner. You know, the guide book says this is the most romantic restaurant in the city.

Taran: Ooh!

Cecily: Yeah.

Donald Trump’s tweet: Cecily Strong is not a nice person.

[Taran and Cecily is looking around]

Taran: Ah! Well, the menu says that the place is family run and the couple who owns it has been married for fourty years.

Cecily: Aw, that’s so sweet. I think that will be us one day.

Taran: Oh, it better be.

Donald Trump’s tweet: Yeah right. Who would marry @TaranKillam? He’s an over-rated clown.

[audience laughing]

Taran: Why are people laughing?

Cecily: Is he tweeting bad stuffs about us?

Taran: I don’t know. I can’t see.

Cecily: Okay.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: [In Italian accent] Welcome to Amore, the most romantic restaurant in all of italy.

Donald Trump’s tweet: Kate McKinnon was born stupid.

Kate: [In Italian accent] Okay. So, I am Carmela. And back in the kitchen is my husband Javani. We are in a middle of a huge fight but don’t worry, it won’t affect your meal tonight. Now, let me tell you about the special. First up we have the ‘my husband is stupid’ spaghetti.

Donald Trump’s tweet: Not funny.

Kate: [In Italian accent] We also have ‘I can’t stand my husband’ cavatelli.

Donald Trump’s tweet: Here’s my impression of Kate McKinnon. ‘I’m a low-class slob.’

Kate: What’s it? What is he saying?

Taran: I don’t know.

Kate: [In Italian accent] And finally for dessert, we have ice-cream-you-scream-we-all-scream-at-my-husband.

Donald Trump’s tweet: I love SNL. SNL loves me. But everyone in this sketch is a total loser who can bite my dust.

Kate: Is he ripping us apart?

Cecily: Yeah, yeah. He definitely is.

Taran: I don’t know why. He has been nice all week. [Cut to Taran] I mean I know he likes me .

Donald Trump’s tweet: Oh great, more screen time for super dud @TaranKillam.

Taran: Well, Carmela, I think we are ready to order.

[Cut to Taran, Cecily and Kate]

Kate: [In Italian accent] Oh, great! But before you do, my husband Javani has some corrections to the menu.

[Kenan walks in looking very concerned]

Kenan: [In Italian accent] Hi. I am Jevani.

Donald Trump’s tweet: Who’s this nobody?

Kenan: [In Italian accent] Tonight, I am out of steak. I’m out of emotions. I am out of a patience with my wife Carmela

Donald Trump’s tweet: An extremely credible source just told me that Kenan Thompson’s birth certificate is a fraud.

Kenan: What? What do you think he just tweeted?

Donald Trump’s tweet: Sorry folks, but add a “y” to “Kenan” and you get “Kenyan.”

[audience laughing hard]

Kenan: Probably something with like, Kenan and Kenyan right?

Kate: I know.

Cecily: I mean yeah.

Taran: That’s exactly what it is.

Kate: [In Italian accent] Anyway. Please don’t let my husband ruin the mood. Your night should be romantic. That’s why our grandson little Luca is now gonna sing a song for you.

[Cut to Vanessa dressed as a little boy.]

Vanessa: I don’t wanna be in this sketch anymore.

[Cut to Kate and Kenan]

Kenan: Vanessa, you have to. This is live.

[Cut to Vanessa]

[music playing]

Vanessa: [singing] When you have too much wine
so you scream all the time

that’s Amore

Donald Trump’s tweet: @vanessabayer is an average talent and a total loser.

Vanessa: What’s he saying? Is it about my teeth? [yelling] These aren’t my real teeth.

[singing] When my nana throws plates at my no-nose dump face that’s Amore

Donald Trump’s tweet: @vanessabayer is a lazy performer and should be deported.

Vanessa: Cut away! Cut away from me.

[Cut to Taran, Cecily, Kate and Kenan]

Taran: Vanessa. You can’t do that.

Kate: No.

[Leslie walks in with Vanessa]

Leslie: Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! I’m sorry y’all. I’m sorry to interrupt this sketch. [laughing] Sorry Lorne. But you guys, y’all have to see what Donald Trump is tweeting about y’all. He hates you Taran. He hates you.

Taran: Me? Why?

Donald Trump’s tweet: I have tremendous respect for Leslie Jones. She’s a winner.

Leslie: [looking at the tweet] Hah! He just tweeted about me. He hates y’all but he likes me. I love you too, Donald.

Donald Trump’s tweet: Thanks Leslie. AndI love the blacks.

Leslie: [looking at the tweet] What?

[Leslie rages towards the camera]

What you! You is a mons–

[Video shuts down]

[The End]

Weekend Update Leslie Jones on Changing Gender Roles

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A new study says that 40% of American households have a woman as the primary breadwinner, suggesting that traditional gender roles may be changing. Here with her thought on the subject is our own, Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

Leslie Jones: Whooo!

[cheers and applause]

Great to be here, Colin.

Colin Jost: Great to have you, Leslie. Now, do you think that gender roles are changing?

Leslie Jones: Hell, yeah, you tall glass of egg-whites.

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Gender roles are changing. Especially men, because y’all man-bitches now. You know those little hair-less boys crammed into skinny jeans texting about their feelings with emojis? Emojis! I don’t want no damn smiley face or no thumbs up, and no man should ever be sending me the word “Yay”. Not even if you on a roller-coaster. This one dude that I was sexed in with, he sent me that little eggplant. And I was like, “That’s racist.” But then my friend told me that eggplant was supposed to be a penis. And I was like, “What penises are you looking at?” Don’t send me vegetables. Send me some real.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay now, so Leslie, you want guys to send you pictures of their junk?

Leslie Jones: You’re damn right I do, you tingly white crisp-strip thing. I just want to have you in all night.

Colin Jost: Oh! Well, right back at you, you delicious chocolate–

Leslie Jones: No, stop!

Colin Jost: No? Okay.

Leslie Jones: It only work when I do it.

Colin Jost: I get that.

Leslie Jones: When I do it, it roll.

Colin Jost: I apologize.

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: Listen man-bitches. Don’t send me in any pictures of that shaved junk either. I want it to be a mess down there. Not that smooth polished junk like you don’t wanna get a scratch on coz I’m going to scratch it up. I even went to Italy and they was just man-bitches with accents, Colin. I mean, there was this one little dude who started kissing me, but then his drunk friend started puking everywhere. So, my little pies on had to take him home. And that’s what a man-bitch does. You know what I’m saying? Coz a real man leaves his sick friend on the couch and takes me upstairs and put his gladiator into my Colosseum.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everyone.

Leslie Jones: Are you entertained?

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: That was about gender roles.

[The End]

Bad Girls

Stacey… Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

Gretchen… Aidy Bryant

Leslie Jones

Sasheer Zamata

Venessa Bayer

Josh… Beck Bennett

[Starts a Bad Girls band’s music video with girls posing in a car]

Stacey: Life is short. And we only get one chance to live it. So we do whatever the hell we want, whenever the hell we want. Because we’re bad girls and we do it well.

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Cut to Shorty’s fast food. Cecily is approaching the counter.]

Kenan: Hey, what can I get for you?

Cecily: Um, can I just do a turkey and avocado sandwich?

Kenan: Sure. You want a drink with that?

Cecily: No, no, no. That’s okay. But you know what? Actually, can I just do like a free cup for water…

[Cut to Cecily at the soda station looking around]

… that I’ma fill with lemonade.

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Cut to an elevator. Few people are getting in.]

Kyle: Hey, what floor guys?

Pete: Um, 62 please.

Jon: 66 for me please.

Kyle: For you?

Gretchen: 2.0

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Cut to Leslie, Stacey and Sasheer trying to get in the fine dining restaurant]

Taran: Um, we only receive full parties. Are all four of your members here?

Leslie: Oh, yeah. She’s just in the bathroom.

Taran: Fantastic. Right this way.

Leslie: The bathroom at her house.

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Cut to Bobby with the trolley at the grocery store. Venessa comes with few items to put in the trolley]

Venessa: Okay, I think I got everything. Milk, broccoli and ice-cream.

Bobby: Oh! We already got an ice-cream.

Venessa: Oh, okay. I’ll just put it back… right here… by the bread.

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Cut to Leslie, Stacey and Sasheer at the restaurant]

Sasheer: God, our waitress was terrible.

Leslie: Yeah, such a bad service.

Stacey: Well, it’s time to leave the tip. Think what I’m gonna do. Let’s still tip 20% because being server is hard and you don’t know what’s going on her day today.

Sasheer: Yeah.

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Cut to Josh doing the dishes]

Josh: Dishes are all done babe. Can you just take out the trash? I think it’s full.

[Cut to Gretchen]

Gretchen: Um, sure.

[Gretchen looks at the bin. The bin looks full. She just kick-pushes the trash in to squeeze in making space available in the bin.]

Actually, it’s not full.

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls —

[Cut to Stacey at the restroom using the toilet. She’s out of toilet-tissues.]

Stacey: Shoot!

[Stacey looks at the socks she’s wearing, opens it and used it as a tissue]

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[The girls are shooting guns at the sky]

Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Josh walks in]

Josh: Hey! Hey! Hey! Gretchen!

Gretchen: Hi baby.

Josh: What are you dong? I told you to take out the trash and now you’re out here shooting guns with like, 50 women?

Gretchen: Sorry, sorry, sorry. Girls, I gotta go. But, Bad Girls for life, right?

[Gretchen hugs goodbye to her girls and runs to Josh]

Bye girls. Bye, bye, bye.

Stacey: [Smiling at Josh] Hi, Josh.

Josh: Hi, Stacey.

Stacey: We’re Bad Girls.

[The End]

Where Jackie Chan At Right Now

Tracy Morgan

Kenan Thompson

Chris Tucker… Kenan Thompson

Chuck Norris… Kyle Mooney

Steven Seagal… Bobby Moynihan

Owen Wilson… Taran Killam

Sasheer Zamata

Osama Bin Laden… Pete Davidson

[Starts with “Yo! Where Jackie Chan At Right Now?” intro]

Male voice: And now it’s time for “Yo! Where Jackie Chan At Right Now?”

[Morgan and Kenan are sitting on a sofa at their set]

Morgan: Alright, welcome to ‘Yo! Where Jackie Chan At Right Now?’

Kenan: As always, we asking the question. Where Jackie Chan at right now?

Morgan: I wanna know where he at.

Kenan: I wanna know where he at and what he doing right now.

Morgan: Where is he? Where is Jackie Chan? And just don’t tell us he’s in Asia.

Kenan: Yeah! Jackie Chan was in movies as well as karate. And nobody knows where he is.

Morgan: Where the heck are you, Jackie Chan? Don’t do this to us.

Kenan: Okay, the phone lines are open.

Morgan: Caller one, where Jackie Chan at?

Rebecca S.: Is he in Asia?

Morgan: I just said don’t tell me that.

Kenan: We checked with Asia. He’s not there. Next caller. Where is Jackie Chan?

Grace S.: Maybe he has lost all his money and he’s living in the woods.

Morgan: Wrong. I called him. He’s worth $48 trillion. This call is over. Case dismissed.

Kenan: Okay, caller three, where is Jackie Chan?

Theo S.: Um, are you sure he’s still alive?

Morgan: You fat dummy. Jackie Chan is 26. You think he’s dead? He’ll come over there and karate-chop you on your face.

Kenan: You are banned from this show. Okay, it’s time to meed our guest. Chris Tucker, where Jackie Chan at?

[Cut to Chris Tucker]

Chris Tucker: Yo! You wanna know where Jackie Chan at? You wanna know where he at? I tell you where Jackie Chan at. I don’t know! I don’t know! I don’t know. Man, I don’t know, man!

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Chris Tucker: Well, then why you come on our show?

[Cut to Chris Tucker]

Chris Tucker: Taxes.

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Morgan: People need to respect this show. Next guest.

Kenan: Chuck Norris. Where is Jackie Chan?

[Cut to Chuck Norris in his fighting stance.]

Chuck Norris: I don’t know.

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Kenan: Steven Seagal, where Jackie Chan at?

[Cut to Steven Seagal]

Steven Seagal: I couldn’t tell ya’.

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Morgan: Owen Wilson, where is Jackie Chan?

[Cut to Owen Wilson]

Owen Wilson: I don’t know man, it’s weird.

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Kenan: Lady from Karma, San Diego, where is Jackie Chan?

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Sorry, gum shoes.

[Sasheer looks through a magnifying glass]

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Morgan: Young Osama Bin Laden, you know where Jackie Chan is?

[Cut to Osama Bin Laden with his skate board]

Osama Bin Laden: No, bro!

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Morgan: Leslie Jones, you see Jackie Chan?

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: I saw him on East 85th street.

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Kenan: What? When?

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: 1997.

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Morgan: Did you have any sense of where he was headed next?

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: I don’t know. Downtown?

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Morgan: Okay, write that down.

[Kenan brings up a big notebook to write that down.]

Kenan: Okay, so far, we know that Jackie Chan was in Rush Hour, Shanghai Noon and Rush Hour 2.

Morgan: We know that he was born in Asia but didn’t necessarily stay there.

Kenan: And we know that he is somewhere between 4 and 7 feet tall.

Morgan: Alright, we’re gonna take a quick 45 minute break.

Kenan: When we return, we’re gonna check our trap to see if we caught a Jackie Chan.

[Cut to the trap. It’s made out of a box and a wood. The bait is ninechucks.]

[Cut to Morgan and Kenan]

Morgan: The search continues.

[The End]

 

Mitchell’s Fake Cocaine

Jeremy… Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Steve… Pete Davidson

Venessa Bayer

Kenan Thompson

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Jeremy walking down the stairs to a party]

[Cut to Jeremy’s friends]

Kyle: Hey Jeremy, you were in the bathroom a long time. You okay?

Steve: Yeah, did you like, fall in or something?

Jeremy: Ha-ha. Hilarious, Steve, but I wasn’t going to the bathroom. I was actually doing cocaine. [Jeremy shows the white powder on his nose] You see?

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Oh, wow! I didn’t know you do cocaine.

[Cut to Jeremy]

Jeremy: I do. In fact, I’ll probably do some more very soon.

[Jeremy winks]

Male voice: Mitchell’s fake cocaine for hiding bowel movements at parties. The #1 excuse for your #2.

[Cut to Kyle, Steve and Venessa]

Kyle: I love cocaine. Can I do some?

[Cut to Jeremy]

Jeremy: I’m out. Yeah, I guess I did all myself, like, complete badass.

[Kenan walks down the stairs]

Kenan: Whoa! Who just used the bathroom, man! It stinks in there.

Steve: Wait a second, I thought you said you did cocaine in the bathroom.

[Cut to Jeremy]

Jeremy: I did you idiot. But then I sprayed this Mitchell’s fake poop spray to cover up that cocaine I did. Don’t you know anything about doing cocaine? [laughing]

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: So, you carry around fake poop spray?

[Cut to Jeremy]

Jeremy: There are people at this party, you know? You don’t have to just talk to me.

Male voice: Mitchell’s fake poop spray. For when the Mitchell’s fake cocaine is called into question because of your real poop smell.

[Cut to 6 walking down the stairs]

Leslie: Okay, everybody. Quick announcement. The toilet is completely clogged, so nobody go in there.

[Cut to Jeremy]

Jeremy: Oh, no. I gotta use this cocaine now or I’m gonna have an accident.

[Cut to 6]

Leslie: Well, you can use my bedroom.

[Cut to Jeremy]

Jeremy: Okay, that sounds good.

[Jeremy walks up]

Male voice: Mitchell’s fake cocaine for hiding bowel movements at parties. And Mitchell’s fake poop spray. Gives you the confidence to let loose on the dance floor… and in the bathroom.

Leslie: [yelling] Hey! Who took a shit in my bedroom? Who took a shit in my bedroom?

[Cut to Jeremy showing Mitchell’s fake cocaine and Mitchell’s fake poop spray.

[The End]

Family Feud Extended Family

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Jackie Williams… Leslie Jones

Martin Williams… Jay Pharoah

Layla Williams… Sasheer Zamata

Raymond Williams… Michael Che

Darrel Williams-Magill… Tracy Morgan

Maria Williams-Magill… Cecily Strong

Rachael Magill… Venessa Bayer

Blake Magill… Jon Rudnitsky

[Starts with Family Feud intro]

Male voice: It’s time for Family Feud. And here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Cut to Steve Harvey walking in the set]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Now, welcome to Family Feud. Y’all like this suit? I got the tie from Shaq’s fist tie knot, knot as thick as Shaq’s fist. Okay, let’s meet our two families. [Cut to the Williams] Over here, we got the Williams family. How you doing, darling?

Jackie: I’m good, Steve. I’m Jackie and these are my three kids, Martin, Layla and Raymond.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, your husband didn’t want to play?

[Cut to Jackie]

Jackie: Well, I’ve been divorced for about six months but we’re doing alright.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, so you fresh on a scene. Okay. And over here, we got the Williams-Magill family. [cut to the Williams-Magill family] How are you doing today player?

Darrel: How you dong, Steve? I’m Darrel, and this is my beautiful wife Maria. My two step kids, Rachael and Blake.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Well, you look lovely today darling. [Cut to Darrel and Maria] How long have you been married?

Maria: About six months.

[Cut to Steve Harvey. He is suspicious.]

Steve Harvey: Hold up. Williams. Williams-Magill.

[Cut to Jackie]

Jackie: Yes! Darrel is my ex-husband and these are his kids.

[Cut to everybody]

Steve Harvey: So, you left her and then you married her. And now you’re both here together. Oh, damn!

[Cut to Darrel and Maria]

Darrel: The heart wants what it wants, Steve!

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: That ain’t the heart, player!

[Cut to Darrel and Maria]

Maria: It’s okay coz we are all working through this and doing our best.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: [laughing] I love this. [Cut to Darrel, Maria and Rachael] So, how you liking your new daddy?

Rachael: He’s cool, I guess. It might be nice if he put some clothes on when he cooks breakfast.

Darrel: And get baking grease on my new t-shirts? Uh-uh! I do a baby boy style.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, it’s only getting better. Oh, get me two people. Let’s play the feud. Come on!

[Jackie and Darrel walk forward]

[Steve Harvey look at Jackie and Darrel’s faces]

Y’all okay?

Jackie: I told you, we are working through it.

Steve Harvey: Alright then. 100 people survey, top five answers on the board. Name something that people frequently forget.

[Jackie hits the buzzer]

Jackie: Their family.

Steve Harvey: Oh, right out the jump. Right out the jump. She’s going to jump right in with that one. Okay, I don’t know if that’s right, but I know it’s real. Show me, forget the kids.

[Cut to the answer screen. There is ‘family obligations’.]

[right answer bell]

[Cut to Darrel, Steve Harvey and Jackie]

Steve Harvey: Okay, okay. There’s a lot of dead beats out there. Darrel, you got a better answer? Something that people forget?

Darrel: How about your password?

[Cut to Williams-Magill clapping]

[Cut to Darrel, Steve Harvey and Jackie]

Steve Harvey: That’s a good answer. That’s a good answer. Show me ‘password’.

[Cut to the answer screen.]

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Darrel, Steve Harvey and Jackie]

Steve Harvey: Oh, sorry player. Looks like we surveyed 100 divorced women. Okay, Williams family, you up.

[Steve Harvey walk to the Williams]

Martin, name something that people frequently forget.

[Cut to Martin]

Martin: To come to your residal coz they say they have to work.

[Cut to Darrel looking hurt]

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the Williams]

Steve Harvey: Um, I’m sorry. That’s not an answer.

[Cut to Martin]

Martin: Exactly! That’s what I thought too.

[Cut to Darrel]

Darrel: I love you Martin. But no man should be forced to watch his son play the clavenet.

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the Williams]

Steve Harvey: Wow! Wound is still fresh. Oh! Show me somebody ain’t show up somewhere.

[Cut to the answer screen]

[wrong answer buzzer]

Oh, well, Layla. Something that people forget.

Layla: I know something. Your morality.

[Cut to Darrel]

Darrel: How you talking about morals when you out there stripping every night?

[Cut to Layla]

Layla: I got to make money.

[Cut to Darrel]

Darrel: It’s not even a real strip-club. It’s a car-wash with a room in the back.

[Cut to Layla]

Layla: That’s what happens when your daddy abandons you for a cruise ship director. You ain’t around! You weren’t around us.

Steve Harvey: Wait! Folks, let’s just remember hurt can go a long way. Show me keep em off the pole.

[Cut to answer screen]

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the Williams]

I’m sorry. Let’s go over to Raymond.

[Raymond is not there]

Wait! Hold up, where did he go?

[Cut to the Williams-Magill. Raymond is standing behind them.]

[Cut to Jackie]

Jackie: Raymond, what are you doing?

[Cut to Raymond and the Williams-Magill]

Raymond: Look mom, I’m sorry. But these people are happy.

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the Williams]

Steve Harvey: Well, you can’t fault a man for wanting some happiness. We back to Jackie, something that people forget.

[Cut to Jackie]

Jackie: You know what, Steve? I’m gonna give a real answer. Because I’m not gonna let them win. Okay, something you forget is… commitment!

[Cut to Darrel]

Darrel: Oh! Here we go.

[Cut to Jackie]

Jackie: You took a vow, Darrel, of love, at the Fort-Queens hotel and casino in Las Vegas. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?

[Cut to the answer screen]

[wrong buzzer]

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the Williams]

[yelling] I loved you Darrel. I had your kids.

[wrong buzzer]

Steve Harvey: That means stop. That’s what that means. It’s over. I’m sorry, that is not up there. Looks like the Williams-Magill family has a chance to steal.

[Cut to Jackie]

Jackie: [yelling] He has stolen enough from me, Steve!

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: I guess I walked right into that one.

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the Williams-Magill]

Okay, give me some good ides. Williams-Magill, come on!

Maria: Your keys.

Rachael: Your phone.

Blake: Your ID.

Raymond: To follow your heart, daddy.

[Cut to Steve Harvey and Darrel]

Steve Harvey: Okay, Darrel, something that people forget.

Darrel: Look, man! I’m a man. Sometimes men make mistakes. Like I did in my previous marriage. We were young, horny, and I liked it raw. I’m old school.

Steve Harvey: Hey, Darrel, I hear you player. Loud and clear. Show me, ‘I forgot to pull out’.

[Cut to answer screen]

[right answer bell]

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the Williams-Magill]

Williams-Magill wins again. You know what? I’ll just write this family a check for everything in my bank account right now. We’ll be right back.

[The End]

City Council Meeting

Bobby Moynihan

Cecily Strong

Jan Krang… Aidy Bryant

MC Strategy… Kyle Mooney

Gary Lumus… Kenan Thompson

Baby… Amy Schumer

Caren… Leslie Jones

Rick… Pete Davidson

[Starts with City Council Meeting]

Bobby: Alright. Motion to put a stop sign on Walnut Avenue passes.

Cecily: And we now begin the Baker’s Field citizens forum and invite members of the community to the podium.

[Cut to Jan walking to the podium]

Jan: My name is Jan Krang.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Ms. Krang. Can you pull back from the microphone?

Jan: No! [Cut to Jan] I cannot. My grievance is with the teens who loiter in the Zappy’s lazer tag parking lot at night. They do wheelie, they smoke e-cigarettes, they dry hump in their cars. Now, I know they’re doing it because I can hear the sound of the denim on the denim.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Have you contacted Zappy’s management?

[Cut to Jan]

Jan: Hundreds of times. And they have blocked my number. Now, all in favor of having Zappy’s parking lot bull-do say, “Yes, yes!”

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Um, Ms. Krang, we’re not voting on that. I suggest you file a formal noise complaint with the sheriff’s department.

[Cut to Jan]

Jan: Jan Krang, J-A-N K-rang.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Yea, we have your name. Thank you miss Krang. Yess, hello sir.

[cut to the podium. Jan leaves and MC Strategy walks to it.]

MC Strategy: [speaking with an accent] Hello, my name is MC Strategy of the Mythic Insight’s crew. I recently moved here from Holland because of the underground hip-hop community here. I want to make sure that musical act you fired for the fall carnival is not mainstream making cream, all about the money, fake MCs with store bought flows. May I suggest MC Strategy performs. The realist MC.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: The city events committee handles  the fall carnival. You can contact them through the city’s website.

[Cut to MC Strategy]

MC Strategy: Thank you for being part of the movement. Real hip-hop.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Yes. You’re very welcome. Yes, the man in the Halloween themed tie.

[Cut to Gary. He’swearing Halloween tie and his jacket has a pumpkin on it’s right patch.]

Gary: Well, that’s me, scary Gary Lumus. As you know, the 31st of this month is all hallow’s eve where goons and goblins take to the streets for the spookiest nights. My question is, may I shut down 10 city blocks near my home for the march of 10 frights?

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: What is the march of 10 frights?

[Cut to Gary]

Gary: A goolish parade of 400 freaky friends, ghosties, mummies, pumpkin people, and a host of haunts all armed with ooze cannons marches through the streets, singing a goolish chorus. It will truly be a fright… [Gary shows his hands. They’re hugs green and best like.] to remember. Monster hands!

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Yes, I see that. I’m sorry Mr. Lumus but we cannot close major streets for private events. Thank you. Yes, hello, the little girl. Hi there.

[Cut to Baby.]

Baby: Hello. My name is Amy Berry Willer Schumer and I’m this many years old. [showing six fingers] Praise our lord Jesus Christ. He’s the best.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Aren’t you adorable. Do you have a question for us?

[Cut to Baby]

Baby: Yes, babe. I was wondering if you could make recess longer at school.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Aw! I think that’s up to your school, sweetheart. Anything else?

[Cut to Baby]

Baby: Yes! I wanna be allowed to bring my firearm to school.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: You own a gun?

[Cut to Baby]

Baby: Yes, sir. A bunch. A very pro life. Also, could we make bible class to Jesus’s teacher. Also, could you pass a federal mandate to ban all gay marriage? It’s not natural. It’s not natural.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Okay. Okay. You’re freaking me out, so we’re gonna move on. Um, yes, hello ma’am. You.

[Cut to Caren on the podium]

Caren: Hello. Okay, you can do this Caren. My name is Caren and I’m an alcoholic.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Oh, you know what? This isn’t– that’s not what this is.

[Cut to Caren]

Caren: Please don’t interrupt me. This is difficult for me. I’ve been sober now for 20 minutes. I decided to seek help because I was drinking on a job which was affecting my performance as a school bus driver.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Ma’am. This is not an alcoholic synonymous meeting. They meet here  on Wednesday nights.

[Cut to Caren]

Caren: For real? Man, I thought this was Wednesday.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Okay, someone find out what school she works in. Alright, hello there, young man.

[Cut to Rick on the podium]

Rick: Wad up? I’m Rick. Um, you guys see Bieber’s dong?

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Did.. Did.. Did we see Justin Bieber’s dong?

[Cut to Rick]

Rick: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was… It was alright, right?

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily. Bobby is nodding his head and smiling]

Bobby: Yeah. I thought it was pretty good.

Cecily: I’m sorry. Do you have a question that pertains to a city related issue?

[Cut to Rick]

Rick: No. I do not. Peace!

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Great! Well, that concludes the citizen’s forum. After party at Zappy’s guys? I think that would be a great idea.

[The End]

The Wiz

Wiz… Leslie Jones

Tinman… Jay Pharoah

Coward lion… Kenan Thompson

Dorothy… Sasheer Zamata

Scarecrow… Michael Che

White scarecrow… Ryan Gosling

[Starts with video clips of film studios]

Male voice: Now, NBC presents an exclusive Cut For Time scene from this week’s The Wiz, LIVE!

[music playing]

[Cut to four characters singing]

All: Don’t you carry nothing, that might feel low
come on, even down, even down the road

[music stops]

[Cut to Wiz in a green suit walking in]

Wiz: Who dare disturbs me, the all and powerful Wiz? I was just back there on my iPad.

[Cut to everybody]

Dorothy: Wow, that’s so modern.

Wiz: Well, I’m glad you noticed. Now, what do you want?

Coward Lion: We’re sorry to disturb your greatness. I’m here because I need some courage.

Scarecrow: And I need some brains.

Tinman: And I need the heart.

Dorothy: And I need to go home.

White scarecrow: And so do I

[White scarecrow jumps in]

Oh, oh! Hello.

Dorothy: Who are you?

White scarecrow: Me? Well, I’m a scarecrow, of course. Anybody know how I can get back to my friends.

Scarecrow: Well, where are you coming from?

[Cut to White scarecrow]

White scarecrow: Well, west hours, you know, near the meadow?

[Cut to Tinman, Scarecrow and Dorothy]

Tinman: Oh, you way off, man! This right here is east hours. How did you even get here?

[Cut to White scarecrow]

White scarecrow: Well, I don’t know. Let me see. I fell asleep on the train. And then now, here I am.

[Cut to White scarecrow, Scarecrow and Tinman]

Who are you?

Scarecrow: Well, I’m a scarecrow. exactly like you.

White scarecrow: But your hair is so wild and wonderful. [Cuts to Dorothy] And your hair…

Dorothy: Don’t!

White scarecrow: Okay.

[Cut to everybody]

Very well, I’m looking for my friend Dorothy.

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: Oh, my name is Dorothy too. Does your friend know how to whip, dab and do the nae-nae?

[Cut to White scarecrow. He is silent.]

White scarecrow: Ya, I have no idea what those words are.

[Cut to Tinman, Dorothy and Coward Lion]

Dorothy: it’s dancing.

Tinman: And we sure do a lot of dancing.

Coward Lion: Yeah. Three hours worth, minus about 150 commercials.

[Cut to White scarecrow]

White scarecrow: Oh, I love to dance. Watch.

[Cut to everybody]

[music playing]

[White scarecrow starts dancing]

[singing] I will not be just a nothing
my head all full of stuffing
and my heart all filled with pain
I would dance and be married
Live would be dignitary
if I only had a brain
I mean… A brain.

[Cut to Wiz]

Wiz: Man, that was corny as hell.

[Cut to Dorothy and Coward Lion]

Coward Lion: Yeah, I’m sorry young man. We appreciate you coming by but this hours is not for you.

[Cut to White scarecrow]

White scarecrow: Well, I didn’t think that it would be, you know. But now that I’m here it’s really great. There’s so much color.

[Cut to Tinman, Coward Lion, Dorothy and Scarecrow]

All: Hey! Hey!

Tinman: Watch yourself, man!

[Cut to White scarecrow]

White scarecrow: No, no. I just meant in the world. You know, there’s a lot of heart and soul here. I love it. It’s– It’s much better than where I’m from.

[Cut to Tinman, Coward Lion, Dorothy and Scarecrow]

Dorothy: Oh, yeah. We heard about West Hours. That place is terrifying.

Scarecrow: Yes, there’s trees that grab you.

Tinman: Yeah, and tornado.

[Cut to White scarecrow]

White scarecrow: Oh, don’t forget about the flying monkeys.

[Cut to Tinman, Coward Lion, Dorothy and Scarecrow]

All: Whoa!

Coward Lion: No, we don’t call them that here. We call them winged warriors. Yeah, we had a lot of meetings about that.

[Cut to Wiz]

Wiz: Plus, ya’ll got a wicked witch over there and she is halla’ scary. She will set your ass on fire.

[Cut to White scarecrow]

White scarecrow: Oh, she’s not- she’s not around anymore.

[Cut to Dorothy and Coward Lion]

Dorothy: What?

Coward Lion: Oh, my god! What happened?

[Cut to White scarecrow]

White scarecrow: Oh, we threw some water on her and killed her.

[Cut to everybody. All of them are shocked]

All: Oh!

Tinman: Damn!

Dorothy: What?

Scarecrow: Damn!

[Cut to Coward Lion and White scarecrow]

Coward Lion: Well, Scarecrow, I didn’t know you had it in you. This here man is a G.

White scarecrow: Well, gosh. I hope that’s a good thing.

[Cut to Tinman, Dorothy and Scarecrow]

Dorothy: It is. You can roll with us anytime you like, scarecrow.

[Cut to Coward Lion and White scarecrow]

White scarecrow: Really? Well, I’d love that more than anything in the world.

[Cut to Tinman, Dorothy and Scarecrow]

Dorothy: Alright, then come on and dance with us. It’s 2015, do the dab.

[Cut to Coward Lion and White scarecrow]

White scarecrow: Wonderful!

[Cut to everybody]

[music playing. Everybody is dancing and White scarecrow is learning to dance]

All: [singing] Come on in, even down, even down the road
don’t you carry nothing that might feel low
Come on in, even down, even down the road

Coward Lion: Yeah, keep trying. You get it.

[The End]

Settl

Kate McKinnon

Sasheer Zamata

Venessa Byer

Henry… Taran Killam

Leslie Jones

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Kate walking down the stairs]

Kate: I think I’m a pretty good catch. So, why can’t I meet the right guy? I’ve tried all the online dating apps like Tinder, Okay Cupid and Match.com but I wanna get married now. That’s why I joined the new online dating app, Settl.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: There’s nothing wrong with the men on Settl. They’re just normal guys with characteristic I am now willing to overlook.

[Cut to Sasheer, Venessa and Kate sitting on sofa drinking wine.]

Venessa: I already bought my wedding dress. So, I just needed a groom. I joined Settl and went on tons of okay dates. That’s how I met my Henry. [Henry walks in] He may drive a smart car but he’s a manager at Cutco and even has a 401K. We’re getting married in April which is before my sister.

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie: Settl isn’t misleading like those other dating apps. It’s honest. For example, men are only allowed to upload their passport photos or ones they’ve been pretending to hold the leaning tower of Pisa. That way, we can’t focus on their looks.

[Kyle walks in]

Hi.

Kyle: Sorry, I’m late. I don’t have a car.

Leslie: Whatever.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: And, they guarantee the date because Settl won’t allow us to swipe left.

[Cut to Venessa and Henry]

Venessa: Because remember, it’s not giving up, it’s settling up.

[Henry and Venessa kiss awkwardly]

Female voice: Settl, tick tock.

[Cut to Leslie and Kyle]

Leslie: Would you like to have another glass of wine?

Kyle: Oh no, thank you. I’m usually in bed by now.

[The End]

Weekend Update Leslie Jones on texting in relationship

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A new study shows that using smartphones and texting can really put a strain on relationships. Here with her take is our relationship expert, Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

Leslie Jones: Whoo! Ha-ha! Yeah! Thanks for having me, Colin.

Colin Jost: It’s great to see you. Now, you were filming the new Ghostbusters movie all summer, right?

Leslie Jones: Yes! I was. I was. But I wish I was Jost-busting! I ain’t afraid of no Jost!

Colin Jost: Leslie, now… [laughing] What do you think about texting in relationships?

Leslie Jones: Man! It’s tough, Colin. [Cut to Leslie Jones] I was at a party and this fine looking man comes up to me. And he starts talking to me, starts flirting with me, starts singing ‘Strangers in the night’ to me like a full psycho. So, you know I was feeling that. So, I gave my number. No big deal. Then, not only did he text me at 2:40 in the morning, he double text me.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: He double? What is double text?

Leslie Jones: Man! Okay! He text me [Cut to Leslie Jones] and before I can respond, he text me again. A.K.A. he wants the booty. So, I decided to play it cool and just text back something fun and flirty. “When you coming to get this ass?” Send!

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And then what? He just never responded?

Leslie Jones: Man, I wish. Instead, [Cut to Leslie Jones] he text me back the one text that no man should ever text a woman. “I just ain’t feeling you like that.” I had to read that, man! And when I read, I read out loud. So, my Uber driver was like, “Damn! That’s cold!”

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That is cold. Yes.

Leslie Jones: Oh, it gets worse. [Cut to Leslie Jones] Then he doubles down and texts me and says, “He still wants to be friends because I’m so funny.” Oh, so now I’m a clown? I’m one of those clowns that you don’t wanna have sex with?

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Leslie… Just keep going.

Leslie Jones: And let me tell you something, Colin. [Cut to Leslie Jones] Men should be feeling me like that. They always talk about how they want a strong woman who can stand on her own two feet. Well, here I am with massage 12 and I got my own money. I got you, boo! Hey, if you make me laugh, I’ll even write you off as a business expense. But don’t you ever text me, “I just ain’t feeling you like that.” You come and have sex with me and never call me back like a real gentleman!

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Now, I don’t know. I gotta say, Leslie. Now, you’re always kind of flirting and playing like you wanna sleep with me, but you don’t really feel like that.

Leslie Jones: Oh! Wait a minute! I wanna hit that! Oh, I wanna have sexuals with you Mr. Colin Jost. How am I being shuttle?

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everybody!

Leslie Jones: How am I being shuttle?

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight!