Tag: Leslie Jones

Flight Attendants

Spencer… Chris Redd

Sabrina… Aidy Bryant

Gareth… Will Farrell

Luke Null

Leslie Jones

[Starts with the flight attendants speaking to the passengers]

Spencer: Welcome aboard flight 1250-C. Service from Lubbock, Texas to Charleston, South Carolina. My name is Spencer.

Sabrina: I’m Sabrina. And returning to the flight crew this week is Gareth.

Gareth: Hi, y’all. I’m Gareth.

Spencer: Gareth just got back from a month long sabbatical. So, let’s give him a hand.

[everyone is clapping]

Gareth: Oh, stop. You’re making me blush.

Sabrina: Now, typically, this is when you sit though some boring safety demonstration.

Spencer: Argh, snooze fast.

Sabrina: But we like to do things a little different around here.

Spencer: We sure do. Someone give us a beat.

[Cut to Luke in the passenger seat]

Luke: I mean, I used to beatbox in college. But I don’t know if I can still ever-ever– [Luke starts beatboxing]

[Cut to the flight attendants]

Spencer: Ooh! That’s nice.

[rapping] 1250-C is a real fun flight

We’ll be soaring through the sky like a big old kite

Sabrina: Your crew is Spencer, Sabrina and Gareth
your comfort and safety is what we cherish

Spencer: Fasten your seatbelt and pull them up tight
and don’t unbuckle if you see that light

Sabrina: Be sure to stay seated or you’ll bump your head

Gareth: And god’s not real, when you die, you’re dead

All: Oh, my god!

Spencer: Dammit, Gareth!

Sabrina: Why would you say that?

Spencer: Gareth!

Gareth: They deserve to know.

Spencer: We’re doing a safety rap, dude!

Sabrina: Yeah. Your line was “Exit rows are marked in red.”

Gareth: I’m just preparing them.

Sabrina: For what?

Gareth: The beyond.

Spencer: Um, look folks, we apologize. God is real and Gareth will stick to the rat we agreed on.

Gareth: We are alone in the cosmos and Gareth will rap as he pleases.

Sabrina: Spencer, just ignore him. [to Luke] Sir, would you please bring that beat back in? I thought that was pretty fire.

[Cut to Luke]

Luke: Thanks. But it’s just something I ever-ever– [starts beatboxing]

[Cut to the flight attendants]

Spencer: [rapping] If you happen to be seating in the exit row
there’s a couple of things we think you should know

Sabrina: Your closest exit might be to the back

Gareth: And afterlife is just a void of black.

Spencer: [yelling at Gareth] Stop doing that!

Gareth: I will not be silenced.

Sabrina: What’s happened to you, Gareth?

Gareth: I woke up, Sabrina. I woke the hell up.

Sabrina: Well, Spencer worked very hard on this rap. So cut it out!

[Cut to Leslie in the passenger seat]

Leslie: Um, yes, I have a question.

Spencer: Yes, ma’am. You are in fact seated in the exit row. yes.

Leslie: Oh, no. My question is for Gareth. So, when you die, you just gone forever?

[Cut to the flight attendants]

Gareth: Bingo!

Sabrina: Ma’am, why?

Gareth: And religion is a delusion that shields us from that im-permanance. If you’re interested, I can recommend several podcasts.

Spencer: Can we please just finish the rap, please? Thank you.

Sabrina: Yeah. I agree. Gareth, the freak show ends now. Okay. Sir, please bring that sweet ass beat back in one more time.

Gareth: It is a very sweet beat.

[Cut to Luke]

Luke: Really, it’s not that ever-ever– [starts beatboxing]

[Cut to the flight attendants]

Spencer: [rapping] Now, let’s discuss an important task
how to apply your oxygen mask

Sabrina: Look out below when they start to fall
you gotta move quick, there’s no time to stall

Spencer: Strap to the head, pull the tight ends tight

Gareth: Be sure to do your’s before helping your friends

Spencer: Now you all understanding

Sabrina: But you should be doing something in the water landing

Gareth: The cushion on your seat can be used as a float
you can slide down the ramp and into a boat
blood stains the water, and you start to scream
what benivolant god would allow such a thing?

Spencer: [yelling] There is an air Marshall in here at all?

Gareth: [rapping] When I say ‘death is’, you say ‘Final’

Death is

Leslie: Final!

Gareth: Death is…

Leslie: Final!

Spencer: Okay, that’s it. Give me that. [Spencer takes Gareth’s mic away]

[Air Marshall walks in]

Air Marshall: Air Marshall here. [holding Gareth tight] You’re gonna have to take a seat sir. Come on.

Gareth: Okay. Wow. Sic the thought police on me, Adolf. Real nice. Everyone here should read 1984. It’s irrelevant now as forever. You 3-F

Movie Set with Jessica Chastain

Jackie… Leslie Jones

Cynthia… Jessica Chastain

Director… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Jackie packing her stuffs in office. Cynthia walks in.]

Cynthia: Judith, here’s the Rodriguez file. You wanna take a look?

Jackie: Find somebody else. I quit.

Cynthia: You quit? Why?

Jackie: Because I get paid less than any male lawyer here. We both do.

Cynthia: You’re kidding. How much less?

Jackie: This much. They mixed me and Tom’s check.

Cynthia: Whoa!

Jackie: Exactly.

Director: Cut!

[It’s a movie shooting. Jackie and Cynthia stop acting. Director walks in.]

Wow! Cynthia, Jackie, all I can say is wow. And that was just the first take? Wow!

Jackie: Thanks, director.

Cynthia: You really thought it was good?

Director: So good. But, can I just twig it a little bit? As we say in the industry, put a little stink on it.

Jackie: Sure. We love notes.

Director: Great! The good news is that I was once an actor too. So I speak your language. I’m of course talking a little show called ‘The Jeffersons.’

Cynthia: That sitcom from the 70s?

Director: Yes. And on that show, we really knew how to get to the emotion of a heart of a scene. There was no question what we were feeling. Let’s try something. [Director walks close to Cynthia] When Jackie tells you that she has quit, this has to rock your world harder than Huey Lewis in all the news. Let me show you what I mean. Jackie, can you feed me that line please?

Jackie: Okay. Find someone else. I quit.

[Director starts overacting. He fills his cheeks with air, opens his eyes wide open, nods his head a couple of times making noises.]

Director: You quit? Why? [to Cynthia] Does that make sense, Cynthia?

Cynthia: That seems like a lot. I don’t know.

Director: How to do it? Well, let me show you. Uh, you just jerk your chin back into your neck. And then you bite an imaginary hotdog into four pieces like this.[He fills his cheeks with air, opens his eyes wide open, nods his head a couple of times making noises.] And then you say, “You quit? Why?” Okay, let’s do this.

[Director walks out]

[Clapper loader walks in with a clapperboard]

Clapper loader: Justice for Anne, scene 12, take two.

[Clapper loader walks out]

Director: And, action!

[Jackie and Cynthia start acting]

Cynthia: Judith, uh, here’s Rodriguez file. You wanna take a look?

Jackie: Find someone else. I quit.

[Cynthia fills her cheeks with air, opens her eyes wide open, nods her head a couple of times making noises.]

Cynthia: You quit? Why?

Director: Great! Cut!

[Director walks in]

How did it feel?

Cynthia: Career ending. Look, you seem like a nice man, but I’m not sure you have a handle on this material. Who did you play in “The Jefferson?”

Director: Oh, it was the role of a lifetime. I played a tramp who got caught making number twos into a front loading washer at George’s dry cleaners. It was one of those “I learned a lesson” episodes. [Director walks close to Jackie] Now, Jackie, let’s work on your part. When you say, “We all do”, you’re not just talking about the two of you being paid less. That refers to every women in the world. Maybe even on other planets. So, you have to say it loud, long, to let those sound wave really get there. So, tilt back, breathe deep, an a bellow. [loudly] “We all do.” Does that make sense? And also, Cynthia, when you see the check, I need you to look at it at least 40 times, because it’s such a surprise. Like this. [Director repeatedly looks at his hand pretending there’s a check.] Whoa!

Cynthia:  I can’t do this.

Director: Well, you have to trust me on this one. Do you think I would send you out there looking like a fool?

Cynthia: Well, the only credit I know you have is for taking a duke on a Maytag in episode of “the Jeffersons” 40 years ago.

Director: Stop flirting. [laughing and looking around] She started it. You guys are all my witnesses. Okay, let’s do this.

[Director walks out]

[Clapper loader walks in with a clapperboard]

Clapper loader: Justice for Anne, scene twelve, take three.

[Clapper loader walks out]

Director: And action.

[Jackie and Cynthia start acting]

Cynthia: Judith, here’s the Rodriguez file. You wanna take a look?

Jackie: Find someone else. I quit.

[Cynthia fills her cheeks with air, opens her eyes wide open, nods her head a couple of times making noises.]

Cynthia: You quit? Why?

Jackie: Because I get paid less than any man who works here. [Jackie breathes in, shakes her head a couple of time and speaks loudly.] We all do.

[Jackie gives Cynthia a check to look at]

[Cynthia repeatedly looks and the check and looks away.]

Cynthia: Whoa!

Director: Cut! [Director walks in] Alright! We are getting there. This is going to be a great commercial.

Cynthia: This is not a commercial. It’s a 120 page movie.

Director: Really? Am I on the wrong set? I thought this was for Cottonelle.

Cynthia: Get out here, please.

Jackie: You have to go.

Director: Ay, okay. Alright. Just let me use the Maytag, then I’ll start walking home. Um, does anyone has some spare cottonelle?

Jackie: Ew!

Jessica Chastain Monologue

Jessica Chastain

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Leslie Jones

Beck Bennett

Pete Davidson

Heidi Gardner

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Jessica Chastain.

[Jessica Chastain walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Jessica Chastain: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you everybody, so much. Whoo! It is so great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. Whoo! This is something I’ve wanted to do my whole life. But I never get to do stuff like this because I’m always cast as a strong powerful woman. I usually say lines like, “Take the shot, dammit!” When am I gonna get to play a naggy girlfriend and say something like, “David!”

But I’m really excited to be here, especially today because this weekend is the one year anniversary of the women’s march. [cheers and applause] Yeap! And everyone knows women never forget an anniversary. So, today, hundreds of thousands of people were out there for the cause and they are so, so brave because it’s the worst flu season ever. God bless them.

I wish I could have been there, march alongside them.

[Cecily Strong and Kate McKinnon walk in]

Cecily: Hey, we’ll march with you, Jessica.

Kate: Yeah. Yeah. I’m always wearing practical footwear.

Jessica Chastain: Girls, let’s tell them what’s up.

[music playing]

Girls: [singing] You don’t own me
don’t try to change me in anyway
you don’t own me
don’t try me down coz I never stay

[Cut to Aidy Bryant in the audience. She is wearing a pink hat and has made few audiences wear them too.]

Aidy: I got us all P hats. I can’t say the real word coz it’s just one of those many words that only president can use.

[Leslie Jones walks in]

Leslie: You mean pussy hat?

Aidy: Yes, Leslie.

[Leslie takes one hat and leaves]

[Cut to the stage]

Girls: [singing] And don’t tell me what to do
and don’t tell me what to say
and please when I go out with you
don’t put me on display.

[Beck Bennett and Pete Davidson walk in]

Beck: Hey, guys. We wanna match too.

Pete: Yeah. We love women.

Beck: Don’t say it like that.

Jessica Chastain: That’s so sweet. Thank you for being allies.

Beck: Yeah, totally. Because I believe it’s the man’s role in this situation to just listen. I think that–

Kate: Beck?

Beck: Yeah. Sorry. You don’t need us.

[Beck Bennett and Pete Davidson walk out]

Girls: [singing] And don’t tell me what to do
and don’t tell me what to say

[Heidi Gardner walks in with a slogan board “Nevertheless She Persisted!”]

Heidi: Whoo! Yay! Women’s march!

[Melissa Villaseñor walks in]

Melissa, why are you still dressed up?

Melissa: Look, I’m a proud feminist, but I’m still trying to catch a husband.

[Heidi Gardner and Melissa Villaseñor walk out.]

Jessica Chastain: Ladies, we were strong last year and we’ll be even stronger this year. So, let’s do this, damit!

Girls: [singing] I’m young and I love to be young
I’m free and I love to be free
I’ll live my life the way that I want
to say I do whatever I be

Jessica Chastain: We got a great show for you tonight. Troye Sivan is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

Google Talk

Summer Childs… Jessica Chastain

Ray Chadman… Alex Moffat

Debbie… Leslie Jones

Bert… Mikey Day

Luke Null

Heidi Gardner

Kenan Thompson

Ben… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Google Talks video bumper]

Summer: Hello and welcome to another Google Talks. [Cut to Google headquarter. There are many people sitting. Summer is standing as she is speaking] Streaming live across the globe from Google HQ in California. I’m your host Summer Childs. [singing and dancing] Let’s give them something to Google talk about. Ha-ha-ha. Sorry. Today’s topic is bullying which I’ll be discussing with the students at our audience and our guest Berkley Sociology professor, Ray Chadman.

Professor: Pleasure to be here.

[Summer takes a seat]

Summer: Now, we asked each member of our audience to write down something they’ve been bullied for. Which our stage manager Debbie is handing me. Thanks Debbie. 14 people said religion. Nine people answered race or ethnicity. Five people said sexual orientation. And one person said Looking like Bart Simpson.

[There is a guy behind Professor whose hair is exactly like Bart Simpson. Yellow and spiky.]

Professor: Yeah. And unfortunately somewhere four out of five of those answers are extremely common. With the rise of social media, attacking others has never been easier. And the most common form of course being simple name calling

Summer: Um, I can relate. People called me nerd before I got like, pretty. Students, save space. What are some of the names that you or someone close to you has been called?

Heidi: Um, white trash.

Luke: Cock!

Mikey: Bart Simpson.

Cecily: Bitch.

Mikey: Real life Bart Simpson.

Melissa: It’s not a name but people like to say, “Go back to your own country.”

Mikey: Yeah. Or people like to say, “Go back to Springfield.” So ignorant.

Kenan: [to Mikey] That might just be you, dude!

Kyle: Hey, you guys feel like trying isn’t cool? Like, if you put effort into something, people are so ready to make fun of you for it?

All: Yes.

Mikey: You guys ever like, say something funny in a group setting and people laugh. But then you hear, “Haa-haa.” And you’re like, “Is that just how someone laughs or did they just do a Nelson from The Simpsons laugh to mess with me?”

Cecily: Again, man. That might just be you.

Mikey: Oh, okay.

Summer: I love how woke it is in here right now. But it’s not just us having this discussion. Everyone streaming this can tweet their questions and comments with the #GoogleTalk2018TopicBullying. Sorry, it’s so long. That’s my bad. Let’s throw it over to Ben at the tweet deck.

[Cut to Ben]

Ben: Thanks Summer. It has been pretty busy over here at my standing desk. We’s got a lots of tweets coming in. This tweet has already 250 likes.

[Cut to a picture meme with Bart Simpson and Mikey’s pictures joined together. There’s written “Ay, Caramba!”]

[Cut to Summer]

Summer: So, I don’t speak Spanish but it’s cool that our woke discussion resonates with a lot in community.

Professor: Ha-ha. Let’s just hope the president doesn’t tweet anything at us.

[Everyone laughing]

[Someone does Nelson from Simpson’s “Haa-haa” laughter. Mikey is looking around to find out who.]

Summer: Well, professor, we had our audience write down some questions for you. These are all anonymous, of course. Our first question. If you notice someone laughing at someone, what should you do?

Professor: Um, that’s easy. Tell them to stop in an assertive yet non-violent way.

Cecily: Excuse me, ma’am. Please stop.

[Cut to Debbie who is laughing hard.]

Debbie: Ha-ha-ha-ha. I can’t. I can’t. He got the red shirt on. Like… I gotta leave. I gotta leave.

[Debbie walks out]

[Cut to Summer]

Summer: Oh, I’m so sorry about that, Bart. Oops! I’m so sorry I called you Bart. What’s your name?

Mikey: Oh, my name is Bert Samson.

Kenan: Your name is Bert Samson? I’m sorry.

Pete: Hey, you don’t have a cow, man.

Summer: Alright, guys. Let’s check in with Ben at the tweet deck.

[Cut to Ben]

Ben: Hey, Summer. Cool news over here at my chairless work area. We have a caller in our Google Talk line who has a question for professor Chadman.

[Cut to Summer]

Summer: Alright, caller, you’re on with professor Chadman. What’s your question, Maggie?

[the caller is making noises like Maggie from Simpson]

Professor: Maggie, you there? Oh, I think I get it. That’s funny.

Summer: Well, we need to show you a series of 25 second ads. We’ll be right back with woke discussion after this. [singing and dancing] Let’s Google Talk about sex baby. Sorry, that was dumb.

Amazon’s New Headquarters

Jeff Bezos… Kyle Mooney

Jeanine Flanigan… Jessica Chastain

Tommy Geleki… Beck Bennett

Casey Affleck… Mikey Day

Reverand Jeremiah Green… Kenan Thompson

Camelle Lo… Leslie Jones

Shep Pauladinau… Aidy Bryant

Corey Booker… Chris Redd

Melissa Villaseñor

Cecily Strong

Pitbull… Mikey Day

[Starts with Jeff Bezos in his Amazon office.]

Jeff Bezos: Alexa, are we ready for the presentations?

Alexa: Yes, sir. We are down to twenty cities for our new Amazon headquarters.

Jeff Bezos: Great. The winning city would get 50,000 new jobs and billions of dollars. Alexa, isn’t this exciting?

Alexa: Yes, it is exciting.

Jeff Bezos: And just to make sure, Alexa, who is the richest man in the world?

Alexa: The richest man in the world is Jeff Bezus.

Jeff Bezos: Close enough. Um, let’s begin.

Alexa: I’m sending in the delegation from Boston.

[rock music playing]

[Jeanine Flanigan and Tommy Geleki walk in]

Jeanine Flanigan: Hey, Jeff.

Tommy Geleki: How are you doing, Chief?

Jeanine Flanigan: Thank you for having us, Mr. Bezos. [music stops] My name is Jeanine Flanigan.

Tommy Geleki: And I’m Tommy Geleki.

Jeanine Flanigan: And we are from Boston’s chamber of commerce. We’d like to present you with a pound of Dunken doughnut’s coffee. Dock Roast.

Tommy Geleki: The good stuff.

Jeanine Flanigan: And two tickets to store Centway Park.

Tommy Geleki: Yeah. Upper level. You know, we’re not millennials– millionairs, sorry.

Jeanine Flanigan: Ha-ha. Look, Mr. Bezos, Boston is the best.

Tommy Geleki: The best.

Jeanine Flanigan: I’ll take it, but don’t take it from us. Take it from Oscar winning actor, Mr. Casey Affleck.

[Casey Affleck walks in]

Casey Affleck: How are you doing?

Jeanine Flanigan: Casey was so excited when he heard Boston was in Amazon headquarter finalist.

Casey Affleck: Yeah. Um, this guy, I guess. I don’t know.

Jeanine Flanigan: Casey, you grew up in Boston. Wouldn’t Amazon love it there?

Casey Affleck: Umm.. yeah. I don’t know. I, um, I live in LA now. Maybe, um– Maybe put your office there.

Tommy Geleki: Oh my god, Casey! Bro!

Casey Affleck: You think you’re better than us?

Tommy Geleki: Okay, okay. Let’s take this outside. Thank you so much, Mr. Bezos. [to Casey Affleck] Are you going to Hollywood, bro?

Jeff Bezos: I like em’. They’re passionate. Alexa, who’s next?

Alexa: I’m sending in the delegation from Atlanta.

[Jeremiah, Camelle and Shep walk in]

Jeremiah: Yeah. What’ good, partner? Man, y’all need to come see the A filming. Let’s do the damn thing, man. My name is Reverand Jeremiah Green. And I am here on behalf of the mayor’s office.

Camelle: And I am Camelle Lo from Atlanta’s office of business development.

Shep: And I’m Shep Pauladinau and I’ma be careful what I say.

Jeremiah: Ay, look here, man. Atlanta’s made for business, okay? Airport’s only 20 minutes away from downtown.

Camelle: Two hours with traffic.

Jeremiah: We had Olympics there back in 96.

Camelle: The one with the bomb.

Jeremiah: And you know, Atlanta has these wonderful places where people from all walks of life come together.

Camelle: It’s called the Waffle house.

Jeremiah: Yeah. We ready. So, today, we present you some of the symbols of our city, a can of Coca-Cola and a sandwich from Chipotle.

Shep: And I brought my delicious signature three butter pudding, y’all. It’s the dish that American Heart Association rated ‘doubt’.

Jeremiah: And to show you how much we love Amazon, we give you an Atlanta t-shirt delivered by Amazon drone.

[a drone is flying over them]

Hey! Man, I don’t trust that thing.

Camelle: Oh, hell no. Let’s get out. That’s the police.

Jeremiah: That’s the police.

Camelle: That’s the police.

Jeff Bezos: Um, we’ll be in touch. Um, Alexa, who’s next?

Alexa: I’m sending in the delegation from Newark.

[Corey Booker walks in]

Corey Booker: Hello, Mr. Bezos. My name is Corey Booker and I am so proud to be representing Newark, a city on the rise. By the way, I know we’re not getting this at all. And that gives me [yelling in squeaky voice] authentic rage! This is a nice office. Anyway, have a good day. #AuthenticRage.

[Corey Booker walks out]

Jeff Bezos: Alexa, who’s next?

Alexa: I’m sending in the delegation from Miami.

[Melissa and Cecily walk in]

Melissa: Ola, Mr. Bezos. We are from the Chamber of Commerce for the city of Miami. A diverse group of people all living in harmony together. Cubans, Jews, gays.

Cecily: Lizards, bugs, beans, cocaine.

Melissa: And featuring, Pitbull.

[Pitbull walks in]

[music playing]

Pitbull: Unos, dos, tres, cuatro.

[Putbull starts dancing]

Melissa and Cecily: [singing] It is Miami and it is loco
It is Miami and it is loco

Pitbull: Yeah! 2018, Miami. This is all I do. Hah! Hah! Hah! Pitbull, dale!

Melissa: Today, we present you with the tasty pina colada.

Cecily: And a souvenir of our city. Pitbull.

Pitbull: Hah!

Jeff Bezos: He’s all your’s now.

Pitbull: Hah! Pitbull! A-bi-ano-bi! Dale! Unos, dos, tres, cuatro.

[Melissa, Cecily and Pitbull walk out]

Jeff Bezos: Wow, this is a tough decision, Alexa. Who should I choose?

Alexa: I didn’t hear that.

Jeff Bezos: It’s okay. I love you.

[The End]

Weekend Update- Oprah Winfrey and Stedman Graham

Colin Jost

Oprah Winfrey… Leslie Jones

Stedman Graham… Chris Redd

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: After her claimed Golden Globe speech, Oprah Winfrey is considering running for president. Oprah’s long time partner Stedman Graham added to the rumors when he said the she would absolutely. Here to explain are Oprah and Stedman.

[Oprah Winfrey and Stedman Graham slide in]

Oprah Winfrey: Hello, America.

Stedman Graham: Yes, indeed. Yes, indeed. What she say.

Colin Jost: Alright. Let’s just start with this. Oprah, are you running?

Oprah Winfrey: Colin, I thought about it for a while.

Stedman Graham: Long time.

Oprah Winfrey: And I’d love to give you an answer.

Stedman Graham: Here it comes.

Oprah Winfrey: But I don’t know.

Stedman Graham: Nah. No answer today.

Oprah Winfrey: This is America. Running for political office is tough.

Stedman Graham: So, we’re not doing it.

Oprah Winfrey: But it would be worth it to serve my country.

Stedman Graham: Which is why we’re gonna do it.

Colin Jost: Now, Oprah, you’re already very powerful.

[Stedman Graham laughing hard]

Stedman Graham: You don’t even know.

Colin Jost: Why would you ever do this?

Oprah Winfrey: I’ll tell you, Colin. I need to get white women back on track.

Stedman Graham: Get them back on track, white women.

Oprah Winfrey: Ever since I’ve been off the air, they’ve gotten out of control. They voted for Trump.

Stedman Graham: Why?

Oprah Winfrey: They voted for Roy Moore

Stedman Graham: Yeah.

Oprah Winfrey: They kept twelve different shows about flipping houses on air. It’s a mess.

Stedman Graham: It’s a mess.

Oprah Winfrey: Somebody needs to look these women into eye and say, “You deserve my three favorite things.” Love.

Stedman Graham: Um-hmm.

Oprah Winfrey: Respect.

Stedman Graham: That’s right.

Oprah Winfrey: And a new panini maker. [pointing at the audience] You get a panini. You get a panini.

Stedman Graham: You too.

Oprah Winfrey: You get a panini.

Stedman Graham: At least three of y’all get paninis.

Oprah Winfrey: Who else is going to do that for them?

Stedman Graham: Nobody, that’s who.

Oprah Winfrey: I’m the only woman in America who is on first name basis with Dr. Phil…

Stedman Graham: Doctor.

Oprah Winfrey: Dr. Oz…

Stedman Graham: Another doctor.

Oprah Winfrey: And Dr. Dre.

Stedman Graham: That’s the whole medical community.

Colin Jost: Right. Yes. I understand. I’m sure you would be great but some people are saying that we don’t even know there’s celebrity president.

Oprah Winfrey: And I certainly understand that.

Stedman Graham: Yeah. That’s a good point.

Oprah Winfrey: But I disagree.

Stedman Graham: So, you’re wrong, Colin. Very mistaken.

Colin Jost: Now, if Oprah was president, can I ask what would your role be, Stedman?

Stedman Graham: Who? Me? You got a question for me? No one has ever asked me a question before. [clears throat] Okay, well my role would be simple. I’m gonna be the first Stedman.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. And what does that mean?

Stedman Graham: TBD. We’ll see what happens.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, I think you’ll both be great. Oprah, is there anyone out there who you think could beat you?

Oprah Winfrey: Yes. There’s one thing in my life that’s been able to beat me. Bread. All my life, I’ve lost a bread. Please. Don’t make me run against bread. I hate bread.

Colin Jost: Oprah and Stedman, everyone.

Oprah Winfrey: I’ll let you know soon.

Stedman Graham: I’ll let you know after she lets you know.

Sam Rockwell Monologue

Sam Rockwell

Cecily Strong

Leslie Jones

Colin Jost

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Sam Rockwell.

[Sam Rockwell walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Sam Rockwell: Thank you. Thank you. Oh, my goodness. Thank you very much. My name is Sam Rockwell. Now, most of you probably know me as that guy from that movie. You know, I’m talking about not the main guy but the other guy. And when you see him, you’re like, “Oh, this guy. I like this guy. He’s pretty good.” But thank you. That’s me.

[cheers and applause]

I’ve been a working actor for over 30 years and I’ve got in to disappearing to many great roles but– and just last week, the worst thing that could ever happen to a character actor happened to me. I won an award and [cheers and applause] — yeah. And I said, “Whoa! Am I a big ass honking movie star now? Did I just go from actor to big as deal?” Yeah, I know. I’m just as surprised as you are. I mean, I was a character actor all my life and now I might actually just go full leading man. Yeah, I might as well start right now.

[band playing music]

[Sam Rockwell starts dancing]

[singing] a little less conversation, little more action please
all this aggravation in expecting of me

[A red carpet rolls to Sam Rockwell. Sam Rockwell starts walking and dancing on the red carpet. The dancers come to him.]

Hey, who are these guys?

[Sam Rockwell continues dancing and walking towards the backstage hallway]

Whoo! Ninjas? [Two ninjas walk in.] Hey, come on! [Sam Rockwell beats the two ninjas.] Hey, alright!

[Sam Rockwell then walks out of the door. There is a paparazzi.]

[Sam Rockwell walks into Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Well, Sam Rockwell. I see you’re a leading man now. Just in time, [points a gun on Sam Rockwell’s face] to die. [Sam Rockwell takes the gun away and holds Cecily Strong by her waist] Oh, Sam. [Sam Rockwell is trying to kiss Cecily Strong] Oh, we can’t do kissing scenes anymore. We had a whole HR meeting about it.

[Cecily Strong walks out. Leslie Jones walks in.]

Leslie Jones: Ha-ha. Ah. [Leslie Jones holds Sam Rockwell tight] Now, you know I didn’t go to that meeting.

[Leslie Jones kisses Sam Rockwell]

Whoo!

[Leslie Jones holds a rose by her teeth and starts dancing with Sam Rockwell]

You better not tell HR.

[Sam Rockwell pushes Leslie Jones out of the exit door.]

[Sam Rockwell meets Colin Jost]

Sam Rockwell: Colin Jost?

Colin Jost: How’s it going, man. Break a leg tonight.

Sam Rockwell: You break one.

[Sam Rockwell kicks Cecily Strong out through the door.]

[Sam Rockwell meets Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: Sam, well, you’re a big ass deal.

Sam Rockwell: Hey. So are you. Wanna dance?

Kate McKinnon: Sure.

[Sam Rockwell and Kate McKinnon dance and walk forward]

Wow, I can’t believe it.

[They run into ninjas again and beat them.]

Go, get em’ baby. I got it.
Sam Rockwell: Thanks baby.

[Sam Rockwell wears a magician hat and holds a magic stick. Then he walks to the SNL stage and stands on cameraman’s crane.]

Come on, come on. Hey, come on. Yeah. Let’s make this damn good. Let’s have a good time. Come on.

[There are backup dancers on the stage. Sam Rockwell walks to the stage and dances with them.]

[music stops]

We got a great show. Halsey is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Morning Joe Michael Wolff Cold Open

Mika Brzezinski… Kate McKinnon

Joe Scarborough… Alex Moffat

Willie Geist… Mikey Day

Eddie Glaude… Chris Redd

Michael Wolff… Fred Armisen

Steve Bannon… Bill Murray

Oprah Winfrey… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Mornig Joe intro]

Song: Welcome to the nut house.

[Cut to Mika and Joe in their set]

Mika: Good morning.

Joe: Good morning.

[cheers and applause]

It’s a great song. Who is that?

Mika: Joe, you know who it is.

Joe: Oh yeah, it’s me. Ha-ha. That’s my original jam, ‘Welcome to the nut house.’ I’m Joe, that’s Mika. Willie Geist is here.

Willie: Good morning.

Joe: We just played that song live last night in prohibition. Mika was there.

Mika: I come because I have to.

[Mika and Joe start looking at each other intimately]

Joe: You come because I tell you to.

Mika: Oh my god. Can we not be this self aggrandizing this early in the morning? You’re digusting.

Joe: And you’re foul.

Mika: I’m gonna bar foul over you.

[Willie is confused]

[Joe looks at the camera]

Joe: Let’s get to the news. President Trump is at it again. He’s using a deeply offensive when describing Haiti and some African country.

Mika: Can you trust?

Joe: Joining me to break this down is chair for the Center of African American Studies at Princeton, [Cut to Eddie] Eddie Glaude.

Eddie: How are you doing?

[Cut to split screen with Mika and Joe, and Eddie]

Joe: Eddie, this is an example of inflammatory racist language. Why do GOP leaders condemn this immediately?

Eddie: Well, first–

Joe: [interrupting] Because Eddie, you’ve studied this stuff extensively, okay? I mean, can you imagine any other president making comments like this? What’s your take?

Eddie: I mean–

Joe: [interrupting] I mean, this is not the first time that he said something like this. Is this a surprise giving his comments in the past? He’s taking about asian, he’s talking about Africans, and the question is this, when will they get to speak? When is it their turn? How long will they be silenced.

Eddie: I personally–

Joe: [interrupting] Eddie Glaude, great points. Thanks for joining us.

[Cut to Joe’s set]

Mika: Well, it has been a tough week for the president with the release of the sensational new book ‘Fire and Fury.’ Joining us is the author of that book, Michael Wolff.

[Michael Wolff joins Mika and Joe]

[cheers and applause]

Michael Wolff: Thanks for having me.

Joe: Now, Michael, this book is wild.

Mika: Insane.

Joe: The conversations are so intimate–

Mika: It’s depressing. I’m depressed. It’s amazing what you’ve found. You say the president watches TV most of the day. He eats McDonald’s because he’s afraid of being poisoned. Is there anything you didn’t include?

Michael Wolff: Well, sure. Probably the worst one is the baby races.

Mika: What?

Joe: Can I get your pardon?

Michael Wolff: There were baby races. Trump would ask to have two babies placed in his office usually of different ethnicities. Someone would put a bowl of goldfish crackers on the other side of the room and Trump would say, “1,000 bucks on the black one.”

Mika: My– Is that real?

Michael Wolff: [smiling] Yeah.

Willie: Now, Michael, there has been several errors pointed out in this book already. Do you take responsibility for those?

Michael Wolff: Look, you read it, right?

[looks like they haven’t read it]

Mika: Yeah.

Joe: Of course.

Michael Wolff: And you liked it? You had fun?

[Willie is just nodding his head]

Joe: Yeah.

Mika: Yeah.

Michael Wolff: Well, what’s the problem? You got the gist. So, shut up. You know, even the stuff that’s not true, it’s true.

Mika: I knew it. I knew it was true. The White House is a– I can’t, and I can’t.

Joe: [interrupting] Okay, you know, hey, this one. [Mika is trying to speak] It has been at an 11 for the past year. Okay? I think you’re hangry.

Mika: Oh, you stop.

Joe: This one’s hangry. Come on. Hey, you, calm down. What do you want to do for lunch?

Mika: I don’t know.

Joe: Yeah. I know what you want. [Mika and Joe look into each other’s eyes intimately] You’re a steak florentine gal.

Mika: Yeah? You’re gonna feed me my meat? Coz you’re a dirty dog?

[Willie is shaking his head]

Joe: You know I am. Ruff. Ruff.

[Michael Wolff is looking at them and is uncomfortable]

[Joe looks at the camera]

Michael, one person who is heavily featured in this book is Steve Bannon who is just like goes had a Breitbart news. Here to talk about it. Steve Bannon.

[Steve Bannon joins them. He is wearing grim reaper costume. He opens the costume and takes a seat.]

[cheers and applause]

Steve, good lord.

Mika: My god, Steve. I always thought you look like death but this is death form–

Steve Bannon: Mika, nice words, blessings.

Mika: Okay, so you guys know each other, right?

Michael Wolff: Of course. I got him fired.

Steve Bannon: Come on. I got you hired.

Michael Wolff: Oh, you love it. Even the negative stuff. You love it.

Steve Bannon: Do love it, do live it. Look, no one gets the Bannon fire. No one.

Michael Wolff: Um, except me.

Steve Bannon: Hey!

Michael Wolff: I did.

Steve Bannon: I never said Don Jr. was treasonous.

Michael Wolff: Yes, you did.

Steve Bannon: Well, I certainly never said that he cracked like an egg on TV.

Michael Wolff: Uh, yeah, that sounds exactly like you.

Steve Bannon: Okay, that does sound like me. Yeah. Alright, thank you. Good reporting. But look, the Cannon magic still out there. Steve Bannon, the Bannon Cannon, magic, magic, magic, magic, magic, kind of king makers, ozymandias, the Bannon dynasty is dawning.

Mika: Uh-huh. And, um, what are you doing now?

Steve Bannon: I’m working on a web series for crackle. It’s called ‘Cocksy cars getting coffee.’ And I’m also coming out with a new line of wrinkled barn jackets called fruppers for guys. Spring time, skin care line. Blotch.

Michael Wolff: You know what? Come on. You know you’re done. It’s over.

Joe: Yeah, Steve, you think they’re ever let you back in politics?

Steve Bannon: Yes and on the Cannon’s terms too, as a king maker. I convinced this country to elect Donald. And I can do it again. Already auditioning candidates. Got some prospects. Logan Paul. Martin Shkreli. The subway guy, Jared Fogle. He’s back. He’s electable. It’s time for America to slide down the Bannon-ster. [smiles]

Michael Wolff: You know, Steve, I have to admit it. You did something amazing. You took the biggest long shot in history and you got him elected president. And you unleashed this monster of biblical proportions upon the universe.

Steve Bannon: Michael Wolff, it’s the sweetest thing anyone ever said to me. Thank you.

Mika: I can’t.

Joe: Mika.

Mika: I can’t.

Joe: Mika.

Mika: The America we loved is over and no one is coming to save us and no one can.

Joe: Well, you know what? Let’s go live by satellite to special guest.

[Cut to Oprah Winfrey]

[cheers and applause]

Mika: Oh my god, it’s Oprah. I thought I smelled lavender and money.

Joe: Oprah, are you running?

[Cut to split screen with Mika and Joe, and Oprah]

Oprah: Well, I am a celebrity, so I’m qualified. But I’m different from Donald Trump because I am actually a billionaire. So, who knows? I mean there’s only one job in the world more powerful than being president.

Mika: And what’s that?

Oprah: Being Oprah. Bye.

[Cut to Joe’s set]

Joe: Thank you, Oprah. That was delightful. Thanks for being here. And

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

 

Office Phone Call

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

Doug… Kevin Hart

Lao… Pete Davidson

Beck Bennett

Leslie Jones

[Starts with offie staff having a meeting]

Cecily: And as you can see, our third quarter revenue was down almost 5% but our online sales in the past few weeks suggest a lot of upside. Any thoughts?

[Kate raising hand]

Kate: Yeah. Yeah. I just want to say I think there’s a huge opportunity to expand further into the biotech sector. That’s where we’ve seen the biggest growth.

[Doug interrupting. He is holding his phone.]

Doug: [on the phone] Hello? What? What is that? Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Okay. Are you serious? Are you se– Oh, my god! How’s home? Alright. I’ll– I’ll be right there. Oh, my god! Okay. Alright, I’m coming now. [Doug stands] Oh, my god. Guys, I’m so sorry. Something just came up. I gotta run. Yeah. I’ll be back as soon as I can.

Cecily: Hey, Doug.

Doug: Um, yeah.

Cecily: Doug, it’s okay.

Doug: What is?

Cecily: Doug, you don’t have to keep doing this. You can just use the bathroom.

Doug: Excuse me?

Kate: Doug, every time we have a meeting after lunch, you loudly take a phone call and you fake some kind of emergency. It’s clearly coz you have to use the bathroom.

Lao: Yeah. It always sounds like a family emergency, but then you’re back in like, 8 minutes.

Doug: Oh. Okay, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that my family emergencies only take 8 minutes. You know what? I guess next time I’ll tell my family to be in more trouble, Lao.

Cecily: Doug. Just go to the bathroom.

Doug: No. No. No. Because I don’t have to go to the bathroom. No. You know what? I had to deal with something urgent regarding the loved one, but forget it. Work is more important. They can just suffer. Please continue.

Cecily: Okay. Fine. Anyone else wanna weigh in on the biotech side?

[Doug is biting his fingers having a hard time not going to the toilet. He is making funny faces.]

Beck: Yeah. I get that we’ve made huge strides in biotech, but most of that comes from a single patent that expires in two years. And two other points, we have very little cash to invest.

Doug: [squeaky voice] Ahhh!

Beck: And the overhead for the laboratory is much higher.

[Doug is banging the table.]

Cecily: Doug, you disagree?

Doug: Uh-huh.

Cecily: Lao, thoughts?

Lao: I don’t know. I still think pharmaceuticals are bread and butter. So… [Doug is stomping his feet and making noises. Lao looks at Doug.] I mean, I don’t know–

Doug: [Doug acts like he’s on the phone again.][interrupting] What’s that? What? Oh, my god! You tell me it’s more urgent now? Yeah. But I can’t. I can’t just leave work. Okay? I don’t care how many stairs you fell down, Nana.

Cecily: Doug.

Doug: Stop! Stop! What’s that? What? You think. You think you can just meet me at work on the 5th floor where where it’s totally empty but the bathroom still works? Okay. Alright, hang in there, Nana. [Doug puts down the phone] Guys, I just got a call.

Lao: Okay. We know you got a call.

Doug: Yeah. You know what? My Nana is really sick.

Leslie: You said she fell down the stairs.

Doug: Yeah. And she’s sick of it. She’s sick of falling down the stairs.

Cecily: Doug. Doug, just go to the bathroom.

Doug: I’m sorry, what? What did you say?

Kate: Doug, just go to the bathroom. You’re visibly sweating, Doug.

Doug: You know what? I resent these accusations. I really do. If you don’t believe that my Nana needs me very urgently in the 5th floor bathroom so we can have ourselves a private family conversation for about 8 to fifteen minutes, then forget it. Forget it. I’ll stay. You win. Please. Proceed. [Doug takes the seat, and when he does, he farts loudly.]

Cecily: Um, hey Doug.

[Doug is all sweating.]

Doug: Yeah.

Cecily: Doug. Um, did you just S your Ps?

Doug: Probably not.

Kate: Oh, Doug, Doug.

Lao: [loudly] Ring, right. [Lao takes his phone] Oh, hey, Doug, it’s for you, man. It’s your Nana.

Doug: It’s Nana?

[Lao nods his head yes]

Kate: [also holding her phone] Yeah. Doug, she called me too. She said it’s emergency

Doug: An emergency?

Beck: [Beck is just putting his hand on his ear]Yeah. She said to meet her on the 5th floor bathroom. And there’s a shower there too. Just FYI.

Leslie: [Leslie is also just putting her hand on her ear] And she also said to tell you that a J. Crew is in the lobby, so underwear.

Doug: Oh, man. I mean, it’s weird that she would even say all that, but okay. Uh, if you’ll excuse me, I better go deal with this for my Nana. Excuse me.

[Doug takes one step at a time to move to the door and out.]

Cecily: He’s in the elevator. Okay. I think we can continue now.

[Lao puts the phone to his ear]

Lao: Hello? Oh, my god, Nana?

Leslie: Just go to the bathroom, Lao.

Nativity Play

Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

Leslie Jones

Terry… Heidi Gardner

Carey… Cecily Strong

Wise men… Kyle Mooney, Mikey Day, Kevin Hart

Mary… Kate McKinnon

Joseph… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Aidy announcing on a stage]

Aidy: Hello and welcome to Rock Harbor’s annual Christmas eve service. In a few moments, Pastor Brandon will give another legendary Christmas sermon and it’s a crusher.

[Cut to the audience]

Kenan: [in loud voice] Oh, I hope it’s about Christmas.

Leslie: Stop.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Cut first, our team ministry will present it’s annual Nativity play. Now, I know that the whole town has been buzzing since we promised that there would be a live camel in our show. But it turns out camels are a bit costly. So, the role of the wise men’s camel will be played by a lhama with a beanbag hump. And the llama’s handler has a brief announcement.

[Terry walks in]

Terry: Hi, folks. Hi, I’m Terry from Mayfair Llama Ranch. The Llama’s roddy right now which means it’s mating season. And basically males get territorial and aggressive. So, I’ve given the wise men the protective wear.

Aidy: Right.

Terry: I also gave them lettuce for treats.

Aidy: Great!

Terry: Oh. And you may hear the term “Jaahi”, that’s a command which basically means, “Easy boy.” Thank you.

[Terry leaves]

Aidy: Okay. Well, I’m sure you won’t notice any of that. Now, I’d like to welcome our narrator Carey who is our lead teen minister to the stage.

[Carey walks in. Aidy walks out.]

Carey: The Nativity. [speaking in hurry] We take you now to the desert of Judah where three wise men followed the north star of Bethlehem.

[Carey walks out]

[The stage curtain opens. There are three wise men with a llama. The actors are scared of the llama.]

Kyle: God has told us to travel to Bethlehem to greet the arrival of king of kings. [llama moves] Jaahi. Sorry, I thought he was going to kick me again. Jaahi. We shall travel there on this majestic camel.

Mikey: Jaahi. Um, I shall brush our camel’s coat [Mikey has a brush in his one hand. But he is scared to go near llama] so it’s worthy of being seen by the son of god. Jaahi. Jaahi. [Mikey touches llama with a brush and runs away.]

Kevin: Jaahi! Jaahi! Yo, Jaahi, yo! Jaahi. Jaahi. [Kevin is holding the lease rope to the llama] Ay, can somebody else hold the rope. Jaahi. Um, we will present these gifts to the young king. [llama moves a little] Jaahi! Jaahi! The llama ate those props so we don’t have– Jaahi. Come on, man.

Kyle: Let us calm our camel and begin the journey. We’re not gonna do it coz llama won’t let us.

[the llama moves]

Kyle, Mikey and Kevin: Jaahi! No. Jaahi.

[The curtain closes]

[Cut to Kenan and Leslie]

Leslie: I don’t like that narrator girl.

Kenan: That’s your criticism? Not the llama stuff?

[Cut to Terry whispering in Aidy’s ear]

Aidy: Okay. Okay. Right. I see. Thank you. Um, so, Terry has informed me that in the next major scene, our wise men will be holding up a blanket. Okay? To block an area of the llama’s body that had become inappropriate. Okay. Thank you.

[Cut to Carey standing before the curtain.]

Carey: We take you now to Bethlehem where the wise men reach the major.

[Carey walks out. The curtain opens. There are three wise men and a llama. Kyle and Mikey are covering llama’s genitals with a blanket.

Mikey: Oh my god, that’s insane.

Kyle: Dude, llama!

Kevin: Low, a manger, inside Joseph and his wife, Mary, who birthed the new boy and king. Yo, I’m sorry, everybody, but the llama man’s horny right now. Yo.

[Mary walks in]

Mary: Oh, glorious miracle. Born into a virgin, the son of god. [Mary carries a toy baby. The goy baby has no head.] Okay, the llama ate some of the baby. What say you? Dear Joseph? Bryan, it’s your line.

[Joseph is looking at llama’s genitals]

Joseph: Wo-ho-ho-ho. Oh! Um, the child is surely a son of god.

[Joseph goes back to looking at llama’s genitals]

[Cut to Kenan and Leslie]

Leslie: I don’t blame him. I won’t lie. I’m curious.

[Cut to the stage]

Kevin: Yo, man. He’s making noises. I’m not holding no more. [Kevin throws away the lease rope] Y’all got to do that.

Mikey: Yeah. We out of here. We out of here.

[Cut to Kenan and Leslie]

Kenan: Hey, boys. Don’t drop that blanket. Oh! And there it is.

[Leslie stands happily and starts clapping]

Leslie: Good for you, llama.

[Cut to the stage. The curtain closes. Aidy walks in.]

Aidy: Okie, dokie. That concludes our Nativity program. There’s more but you guys know the story, right? Thank you. And I am so sorry.

[Terry walks in]

Terry: And we’ll be sticking around after the service if anybody would like a picture with the llama.

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie: Oh, I’mma be there.