Tag: Leslie Jones

Christmas Party

Kenan Thompson

Ron… Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Leslie Jones

Kevin Hart

[Starts with four adults enjoying the Christmas party]

Kenan: Well, it is Christmasy as all hell in here. Sorry I said hell. I’ve had too many of these guys. [pointing to his cocktail] How much Bailey’s is in these, Ron?

Ron: It’s all Bailey’s, my man.

[laughing]

[door bell ringing]

Cecily: Oh, oh, that’s probably Crystal and Jean. They said they were arriving late. [Cecily opens the door] Ah, Merry Christmas. Come on in.

Leslie: How are you doing? Sorry, [pointing at Kevin] this is one to blame.

Kevin: Oh, man. Here we go. Ha-ha.

Ron: Can I get you Bailey’s on the rocks?

Kevin: Oh, thank you. Thank you. I love one.

Leslie: Um, do me a favor. Get him a diet Pepsi.

Kevin: Oh, baby, come on, now. I can’t even have a drink? Oh, sweety Crystal. come on.

Ron: Oh, Jean, have a drink if you want.

Kevin: Oh, no, Ron. I shouldn’t push it.

Leslie: Do you have straws?

Cecily: Well, we have the crazy straws that our kids like to use.

Leslie: Hmm, that will do.

Kevin: Oh, baby, come on. Don’t make me use a child’s crazy straw. Come on, Crystal.

Leslie: I’m not gonna listen to you slurp, Jean.

Kevin: Oh, I’ll drink it quiet, honey. Come on, baby. I don’t slurp.

Leslie: You think you don’t slurp, Jean? [Leslie passes Kevin a glass of Pepsi with a crazy straw] Here.

Kevin: Okay. I guess I’ll take it.

[Kevin takes a seat by Kenan.]

Kenan: So, you do everything your wife says there, Jean?

Kevin: What? What, you– What? [laughing] You got it all wrong. She just knows what’s better for me. That’s all. I’m very– I’m very lucky.

Leslie: Jean, I’m under the mistletoe. Get over here and kiss me.

Kevin: Oh. Okay, alright. I’m on my way, sweetie. Okay.

Kenan: You better snap to it, Jean.

Kevin: Oh, come on, now. Ay, Reggie, come on, now. Don’t bust my chance like that.

Leslie: Hurry up. Do you know how desperate I look right now?

Kevin: Oh, well, I’m coming, hun. I’m just–

Leslie: You know what? Forget it. You’re too late. Go kiss yourself.

Kevin: [looks around] Well, baby, how do I kiss myself? I don’t know how to even do that.

Leslie: Then grab that life size Christmas bear under the tree and kiss it.

Kevin: Oh. Baby, I– I really gotta go kiss that over sized teddy bear? The one with the overall? Come on, Crystal.

Leslie: Yes. And make it a good one, Jean.

Kevin: What? Like a big kiss? You talking the whole thing, Crystal, baby? Come on, now.

Leslie: Yes. A French kiss and I wanna see a lot of tongue. Jean.

[Kevin walks to the teddy bear]

Aidy: Oh, Jean, you do not have to do that.

Kevin: Oh, well, no. I better. I don’t — I don’t want Crystal to be mad.

Leslie: Kiss that teddy bear like you mean it. Show then what I have to deal with every night, Jean.

Kevin: Well, come on now, Crystal. I don’t want them to see our secrets. Come on, baby.

Leslie: [yelling] Do it!

Kenan: Yeah. We don’t want to see your secrets either.

Leslie: Tell that bear how hot it looks. How hot he looks.

Kevin: What? What do you mean he?

Leslie: [yelling] Do it!

Kevin: Oh, come on now, Crystal. Alright, your booty look good.

Ron: His booty? What is happening?

Leslie: Take that bear’s Christmas overalls off Jean.

Kevin: Oh, Crystal, baby. Don’t make me undress the teddy bear. Come on, Crystal.

Kenan: Ay, Jean. You don’t have to do that.

Aidy: Yeah. This isn’t your house.

Cecily: Yes. And that’s Elain’s Christmas gift.

Kevin: Well, well, I’m sorry. Okay? I just gotta pick my battles with Crystal. [Kevin starts opening teddy bear’s clothes] Get your overalls off. Come on.

Leslie: You’re making that bear work. Show him what you really like, Jean.

Kevin: Oh, baby, come on now. Those are my bedroom fantasies.

Leslie: [yelling] Do it!

Kevin: Well, I don’t see any fingers or nothing on the bear, Crystal. Let me get the leg out the pant or something out. Come on. I’ll do this and I’ll just turn the bear.

Kenan: Hey, stand up for yourself, Jean.

Ron: Yeah. You don’t have to do that, man.

Aidy: Get off my stuffed bear.

[Kevin gets embarrassed]

Kevin: You know what, honey? You’ve been laying into me heavy all night in front of all my employees. But I think maybe you’re going too far, okay? Now, I’m not gonna try to put my– you know what I am. I’mma put my foot down right now and I’mma say, “That’s it.” No more. No more I’m gonna do this. I will not make out with this life sized teddy ear anymore.

[The employees look proud]

Leslie: Hmm. Somebody gets a little diet Pepsi in him and suddenly he’s all man. Hmm, how about we go home and you get one top?

[Leslie walks out]

Kevin: Oh, baby. Come on now. Now I got to be on top?

Leslie: [yelling] Come on, Jean!

Kevin: Alright, sweety. Well, let me get the bear. We can finish what we started. I’m sorry.

[Kevin carries the life sized teddy bear]

I’m sorry. I know. We made a mess.

Cecily: Did they just take Elain’s gift with them?

Aidy: It’s okay.

Sexual Harassment Charlie

Glen… Beck Bennett

Jenny… Aidy Bryant

Amanda… Cecily Strong

Denice… Leslie Jones

Janet… Melissa Villaseñor

Doug… James Franco

Charlie… Kenan Thompson

Tommy… Mikey Day

[Starts with Glen talking to his employees]

Glen: Folks, can I get you to gather over here? Sorry to interrupt your lunch, everyone. I just want you all to be clear that here at Beta Corp, we have zero tolerance for workplace sexual harassment. And all offenders will be trminated.

[The employees applaud]

That being said, unfortunately, we had to fire our CFO Doug Giffer.

Jenny: Finally.

Amanda: Yeah. Good riddance.

Denice: Bastard!

Glen: And, also our front desk guy, Charlie.

Employees: Aww.

Janet: Not Charlie!

Glen: And if it’s okay, we’ve asked them to come out and formally apologize to all of you before they leave. Come on out here, guys.

[Doug and Charlie walk in]

Doug: [sigh] Thank you, Glen. I just want to say to all of you that I am deeply and truly sorry for anything inappropriate that I may have done while working here.

Charlie: Yeah. My bad.

Doug: Janet in particular. I know that I have playfully referred to you as my little honeybee. And it made you feel uncomfortable. And I know now, it was wrong. And I’m sorry.

Janet: It was gross. And you’re gross.

Charlie: [Charlie does not sound serious at all] Janet, I know that sometimes you would walk by me. And I’d be saying something like, “Umm, umm.” Then I’d shake my head, do a little dance, and ask you not to hurt nobody with that thing. It was wrong. I’m sorry.

Janet: [laughing] Charlie, you’re so crazy.

Amanda: Oh, that is classic Charlie.

[Doug is confused]

Doug: Um, okay. Um, Amanda, there was one time at a meeting recently where I commented on your dress and your figure and even though I mentioned it was a compliment, apparently, it was still inappropriate. So, for that, I’m sorry.

Amanda: Oh, apparently? Okay. Well, apparently, you still don’t get it. And that’s why they fired your creep ass.

[All the employees clap]

Charlie: Mandy, Mandy, sweeter than candy. I remember I said something about that dress too. I think it was a long lines of, “Umm, umm. Woman, you are thicker than a bowl of biscuit. Why don’t you make Charlie a pair with extra jelly?” Then I did a little dance. Told you not to hurt nobody with that thing. It wasn’t appropriate. That’s my bad.

Amanda: [laughing] Charlie, you are just too much.

Charlie: Oh, you know I ain’t got no sense.

Denice: [to Glen] You can’t fire Charlie. It’s just Charlie.

Glen: It was a corporate decision, Denice. My hands are tied.

Doug: Wait, um, Denice…

Denice: What, creep?

Doug: Look, I know that you didn’t like me suggesting to you that you get further ahead in this business if you smiled a little more, but it was just advice.

Denice: Well, it sucked and you suck.

Jenny: Ah! That is legit awful, Doug!

Doug: Okay. I know. That’s why I’m saying sorry now.

Charlie: Denice. You know, at one time, I think I may have suggested that if I was 11 years younger, I’d put you in a large sack, throw you in a truck, drive you to my sister Betty’s house with a big old medical bed, crack open all the window to show you a good old times for 28 minutes.

Denice: [laughing] I guess that’s my loss, Charlie.

Doug: How are you okay with that

Denice: Shut up, man! That’s just Charlie.

Amanda: Yeah. He’s a sweet old man.

Jenny: Glen, you can’t fire Charlie. It’s the holidays.

Glen: Believe me, I don’t want to. I wish I was just firing Doug too.

Doug: What?

Charlie: No, no, no. Don’t worry about me sweet sexy Jenny. Maybe I can get a job at Santa. Then I can sneak down your chimney, tie up your old man, crack open all the windows and give you a 28 minutes present. Umm, umm. Girl, don’t you hurt nobody with that thing!

Jenny: [laughing] Thank you, Charlie.

Doug: Thank you? He said he wants to break into your home, tie up your husband and crack open the window for some reason.

Charlie: That’s to getting the funk out.

Doug: Okay, and then, have sex with you.

Jenny: Okay, don’t make it gross, Doug!

Janet: Yeah. Why do you have to make everything sexual?

Amanda: He’s a sweet old man. What is your deal?

Doug: Well, it just feels like you guys are going easier on him coz he’s a charming old black man and he has done way worse stuff!

Tommy: But, he’s Charlie!

Doug: What does that mean?

Charlie: Look, maybe Doug is right. Tommy, you remember that time I met your fine ass wife at the office Christmas party?

Tommy: Of course, I do, Charlie.

Denice: I remember that.

Charlie: And I held her hand up and twirled her around and then I yelled out, “Ain’t no way lil’ bitty Tommy hitting this thing right.”

Tommy: Yes.

Charlie: And then, later on, I saw your junk at the urinal and it was a good stuff. So I went back out to the party and I yelled out, “I stand corrected. Homeboy Tommy is packing some heat!” And then everybody laughed.

Tommy: [smiling and nodding his head] Yeah.

Charlie: You think that’s why I’m getting fired?

Glen: Um, no. No. It’s not, Charlie. It actually has nothing to do with sexual harassment. The corporate says they have you on camera stealing $380 in petty cash. Plus, they found half a pound of cocaine in a bag of tiny balloons in your locker room.

Charlie: Oh, okay.

Glen: And you saved a ton of pornography into the lobby desktop in folder marked “Charlie’s stuff.”

Charlie: Oh! So you found that.

Glen: Yeah. And you signed out the company van, reported it was stolen and it was found three days later parked outside of a brother with your keys still in the ignition and your brother asleep in the front wheel.

Charlie: What? Claud was still in there?

Glen: Yeah. And your name’s not Charlie. It’s Ronald Washington. And you’re wanted in Pennsylvania for kidnapping.

Charlie: Oh! So it’s still kidnapping if I bring them back. Okay, that’s my bad. That’s my bad.

Gift Wrap

Tina… Kate McKinnon

Don… James Franco

Heidi Gardner

Beck Bennett

Leslie Jones

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a customer packing her gift at the wrapping department]

Tina: And that’s one freshly wrapped Xbox, courtesy of your friendly Bloomingdale’s gift wrapping department.

Don: Hang on, let me just fluff your bow. Can’t send you home with a fluffy bow.

Heidi: Thank you. How much do I owe you?

Don: Oh, you’ve been such a super sweet customer. I think I’m gonna have to waive the $5 charge. This one’s on me. Now, Merry Christmas.

Heidi: Merry Christmas to you.

[Heidi walks out]

Tina: Wow. Don, you’re so great with the customers. I don’t know how you do it.

Don: Ah, because I’m a freaky nut for Christmas? That’s how. I live for this. Don’t you?

Tina: It’s fine.

[Beck walks in]

Beck: Hi. Can I get this barbie doll wrapped for my niece?

Don: Wow! Oh, yeah. She’s gonna have the best Christmas ever flip in life.

Beck: I hope so. She is pretty special.

[Don takes a wrapping paper and starts wrapping the gift]

Don: Oh, I know she will, sir. That is my Christmas guarantee. [Don hurts his finger] Oh! Ou!

Tina: Are you okay?

Don: Yeah. I just– just a little paper cut. It’s a hazard of the trade. No big. Now, The secret to good gift wrapping is a nice clean crease. [Don is wrapping the gift very badly because of the injury, and he is bleeding all over the gift. It’s all messed up.]

Tina: Don, Do you need a band aid?

Don: I don’t think so. Don’t think so.

Beck: I think you do. You’re getting blood all over my niece’s gift.

Don: I can just cover that with the bow. Don’t worry. Oh, man. This is deeper than I thought. [His hands are all bloody] Yeah. My finger’s basically like a split hotdog right now.

Tina: Don, I think we need to get you to the medical center.

Don: [pointing his injured finger to Tina] Oh, pass, Tina. I got work to do.

Beck: This is bad. Are you on blood thinners?

Don: A few. Ha-ha-ha. Yeah. Okay, one last piece of tape and alright. [Don passes the badly wrapped gift to Beck] There you go, sir.

Beck: Oh, thank you. Where’s the return counter?

Don: It’s just over there. Oh, don’t forget your free candy cane over here, okay? [Don picks up the candies with his bloody hands. The candy container is filled with his blood.]

Beck: Oh, Jesus!

[Beck runs away]

Tina: Hey, Don, can we please go find the store nurse now?

Don: Tina, it’s nothing. I just need a little pressure on it. it’s gonna stop any second. Okay?

[Don puts his finger in his mouth]

Tina: Is your mouth filling with blood right now? Don?

[Don is shaking his head no]

[Leslie and Kenan walk in]

Leslie: Hi, are you free to wrap a gift?

Don: Umm.

[Don spits a lot of blood on Leslie’s face]

Whoa! Oh! You are gift finding genius or what?

Kenan: Oh, my good lord! Good lord! What is happening?

[Leslie is disgusted]

Don: Here. Your Christmas dreams are coming true. That’s what. Let me find my special chu-chu paper.

[Don is looking for a paper]

Kenan: No. You know what? I think we’re good, man! Let’s get out of here.

[Leslie is trying to say something to Don but she can’t speak because she is disgusted.]

Are you alright?

Don: Here we go. Look. [Don brings out the paper] Don’t be silly. You’re gonna love this paper. [Don is already bleeding over the wrapping paper] You just got to chop a little bit of it.

[Don chops his another finger off his another hand]

Kenan: [yelling] Oh! You just chopped your damn fingers out.

Don: Just a tip. Just a tip. That’s what she said! [Don is bleeding all over the place] I just wanna say something point. I think we may actually have a problem here.

Kenan: Yeah, man.

Leslie: Ew! Your’e spraying blood in my–

Don: No! The problem is I don’t have enough chu-chu paper. But look, you can pick any of the patterns on the wall behind me. [Don sprays blood all over the papers and wall behind.]

Kenan: No! Alright? That is it! We are out of here.

Leslie: No, I want– [can’t speak]

Tina: Don, this is way more than eight pints of blood. Will you please stop?

Don: Stop loving Christmas? Never. Just turn on the lights. I wanna show you something.

Tina: The lights are on. All the lights are on.

Don: Oh my god! Look, another roll of chu-chu paper. Let me cut the plastic up here. Hold it with my leg here. [Don pulls out his leg. His leg is already chopped off. Now  he is bleeding off his leg too.] Oh! I just cut my leg off. Ha-ha-ha.

Kenan: You just 100% cut your damn foot off.

Don: Yeah. That’s what she said!

Tina: Please call an ambulance for all of us.

Kenan: No! I cannot deal with that. That is a foot!

Weekend Update- The Duncans on the Kama Sutra

Michael Che

Greg Duncan… Mikey Day

Shelly Duncan… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Experts are now saying that one of the keys to a long healthy marriage is to make sure a couples keep their sex lives fresh and exciting. Here to share their experience with the Kama Sutra is a mad couple who tried every position in the book, the Duncans.

[Greg Duncan and Shelly Duncan slide in. Greg Duncan has black eye, face bruises and swollen lips. He is also wearing the neck support.]

Greg Duncan: Hello, Michael.

Shelly Duncan: Thank you for having us.

Greg Duncan: Thank you.

Michael Che: So, you two really tried every position in the Kama Sutra?

Greg Duncan: Um-hmm.

Shelly Duncan: Oh boy, I’m blushing, but yes. I have to say it really spiced things up. I’m more attracted to Greg than ever.

Greg Duncan: Oh, and the doctors say I will make a full recovery. But Michael, before couples attempt the Kama Sutra, they need to make sure they’re on the same page.

Michael Che: Oh, right. Like discuss what they’re both comfortable with.

Greg Duncan: Um-hmm. Yes. But also that they’re on the same page of the actual book. My wife like to skip ahead

Shelly Duncan: What? I got excited.

Greg Duncan: Yeah. At one point I was on page six trying a position called “beginner’s blossom”, but she had skipped ahead to– what was the name of it?

Shelly Duncan: Broken donkey.

Greg Duncan: Broken donkey. And in that one, I was the broken donkey. You’re shy. She’s shy.

Shelly Duncan: But we were so inspired by the book that we came up with some new positions all on our own. And we think that other couples might enjoy them.

Greg Duncan: Yes. Um, now, this one, Shelly enjoyed quite a bit. But it wasn’t my favorite. [Greg Duncan shows a picture of sex position] It’s called “You’re a chair now.” As you can see, the blue is the male and the pink is the female. She is a shy one today.

Shelly Duncan: I’m too shy to go into details but ladies, this one hits all the right spots.

Greg Duncan: Yeah. And all honesty, I had passed out during this one. Um, but Shelly tells me that I loved it. But gentlemen, if you do attempt “You’re a chair now”, insist your wife is barefoot and not wearing her sexy high heels.

Shelly Duncan: Oh, you love high heels.

Greg Duncan: I do love them.

Michael Che: Yes. That looks very painful. You’re a brave man.

Greg Duncan: Well, I have no choice. Another one of Shelly’s creations, she calls it “You my basketball”. [Greg Duncan shows a picture of sex position] It’s exactly what it sounds like.

Shelly Duncan: And ladies, word to the wise, use two hands if you want to dribble your husband.

Greg Duncan: Yes. Absolutely. Or, don’t dribble your husband. It’s up to you. Now, this next position is named after what my wife said while we were doing it.

Shelly Duncan: “Stop whining sandwich boy!”

Greg Duncan: She did her voice. That’s what she does in the bedroom. So the male is the meat and the mattress and the bed spring or in our case, a mattress and wooden bed slats are the bread.

Michael Che: Yeah. It sounds like Shelly made up most of the positions, Greg. Did you come up with any for yourself?

Greg Duncan: I did. This was my favorite. I called this one “Where are you hiding? I’m not done.” Again, based on what my wife was saying.

Shelly Duncan: I did not say that.

Greg Duncan: You did. You get in the zone. You don’t know what you’re saying.

Michael Che: Well, thank you guys for coming. Any final tips for our viewers?

Shelly Duncan: Yes. Be creative. Be open. And stretch.

Greg Duncan: Yes. And also, make sure your insurance plan covers something called consensual intimate trauma.

Michael Che: The Duncans, everybody! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Saoirse Ronan Monologue

Saoirse Ronan

Leslie Jones

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Saoirse Ronan.

[Saoirse Ronan walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Saoirse Ronan: Thank you. Thank you so much. It is so great to be here hosting the St. Patrick’s day episode of Saturday Night Live. Just a few months early. Yes, I am very Irish and I have an extremely Irish name. Some would say too Irish. It’s Saoirse. It means freedom. But I’ve got a little problem. You see, it spells– well, it’s spelled wrong. It’s a full typo. S-A-O-I-R-S-E. You can see why people have hard time. You know, if you were a wheel of fortune puzzle, you couldn’t afford this. There’s just too many vowels. God bless, no one has been able to pronounce my name. Like, not even close.

[Leslie Jones walks in]

Leslie Jones: Hey, Cercie. Have a great show.

Saoirse Ronan: Oh! Thanks, Leslie. But it’s actually Saoirse.

Leslie Jones: Oh! Sushi?

Saoirse Ronan: No. It’s Saoirse, like an Ersha.

Leslie Jones: Oh! I got a cousin naming Ersha.

[Leslie Jones walks out]

Saoirse Ronan: Yeah, so you see what I mean? So, um, here’s an easy tune I made up as a little girl to help pronounce it.

[music playing]

[singing] It’s Saoirse with an ‘er’,
not Cercie with an ‘or’,
coz Cercie goes with ‘or’, not ‘er’
it’s ‘shh’ instead of ‘iss’,
‘uh’ instead of ‘ii’,
simple as can be,
see, ‘Saoirse Ronan’

[music stops]

See? Easy. So easy.

[Kate McKinnon walks in]

Kate McKinnon: Hey, girl. How are you doing?

Saoirse Ronan: Oh, hey, Kate. You’ve come to sing the song with me?

Kate McKinnon: No. Honey, the song is not as helpful as you think it is. Okay? You might be the only person who can pronounce the name.

Saoirse Ronan: Oh, please, Kate. Just try the song with me.

Kate McKinnon: Oh, lovely bones. I can’t say no to you. Alright, let’s go.

[music playing]

Saoirse Ronan and Leslie Jones: It’s Saoirse with an ‘er’,
not Cercie with an ‘or’,
coz Cercie goes with ‘or’, not ‘er’
it’s ‘shh’ instead of ‘iss’,
‘uh’ instead of ‘ii’,
simple as can be,
see, ‘Saoirse Ronan’

Saoirse Ronan: Wow, Kate. You really got it there.

Kate McKinnon: Of course, I got it. I’m fluent in nonsense. It’s my sixth season. Do you know how many raccoons I’ve played in this show?

[Kate McKinnon walks out. Aidy Bryant walks in.]

Aidy Bryant: Well, hey there.

Saoirse Ronan: Aidy!

Aidy Bryant: You know, I just wanted you to know that I can say your name because I am also Irish. Just in the sense that my teeth are super soft and I think salt is spicy, and I always leave without saying goodbye.

Saoirse Ronan: Oh, okay. Well, let’s try this.

[music playing]

It’s– [Aidy Bryant walks out]

She’s gone. She’s gone. She really did the Irish goodbye there. Which just so you all understand is not an actual Irish tradition. It’s just quite rude.

[Beck Bennett walks in]

Beck Bennett: Hey, Sorges.

Saoirse Ronan: Oh! Hey, Beck, it’s atually–

Beck Bennett: You know, people mess up my name all the time too. So, I made up a little song on my own.

[music playing]

[singing] It’s Beck with a B
and Beck with and E
and Beck with a C
It’s Beck!

Saoirse Ronan: That… was… It was lovely. Um, I don’t think you spelled that quite right, but well done. How about all just try on my song together? Yes?

[Kate McKinnon and Aidy Bryant join them]

Saoirse Ronan, Kate McKinnon and Aidy Bryant: [singing] It’s Saoirse with an ‘er’,
not Cercie with an ‘or’,  (Beck with a B)
coz Cercie goes with ‘or’, not ‘er’ (Beck with an A)
it’s ‘shh’ instead of ‘iss’,
‘uh’ instead of ‘ii’, (Beck with a C)
simple as can be,

[Leslie Jones runs in]

Leslie Jones: It’s Ersha!

Saoirse Ronan: We have got a great show for you tonight. ULeslie Jones is here. So stick around and we’ll be right back.

Return Counter

Mikey Day

Luke Null

Kyle Mooney

Kenan Thompson

Leslie Jones

Saoirse Ronan

Chris Redd

Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Pete Davidson

Heidi Gardner

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with some people in line at a mart’s return/exchange counter]

Mikey: Sir, I’m sorry, but we cannot accept any returns or exchanges without a receipt. Our store policy, man.

Luke: Man, that’s such a bull-crap. I’m sopping at Walmart from now on. That’s a better mart.

[Luke walks out]

Mikey: Okay, sir. You’re free to do that. Next in line, return or exchange?

Kyle: I’d like to return these [in loud voice] magnum condoms. Guys like me need bigger condoms. Do you see a bigger size?

Mikey: I don’t think so, man.

Kyle: [in loud voice] Dang, so the biggest condoms you sell are too small for me? I guess I’ll just have to go online to a bot guy website and see if I can find some there.

[Kyle walks out]

Mikey: Okay. Good luck with that. Next.

[Kenan walks front]

Kenan: Well, I hope that you have had a good life. You people have sold me a woman’s hand muff. Now that you’ve had your fun, kindly point me towards the men’s muff section please.

Mikey: Yeah, I don’t think we have those, sir.

Kenan: Oh, so you’re all sold out? Perfect!

[Kenan walks out]

Mikey: Hello.

[Leslie storms in]

Leslie: These diapers leak. Not to mention, my baby looks ridiculous in them.

Mikey: Um, these are adult diapers, ma’am.

Leslie: Man, what the kind of hell of an adult be dooking in his pants?

Mikey: I think when some people get older, it just happens. Either way, I’ll give you store credit, okay ma’am?

[Mikey hands Leslie over a paper. Leslie takes is angrily.]

Next please.

[Saoirse and Chris walk in]

Saoirse: Hi. I bought my boyfriend this men’s cologne because I thought he was a man. But he’s actually a bitch on the rags, so I’d like to exchange it for these tampons.

Mikey: Alright.

Chris: Babe, why are you doing this?

Saoirse: Because the man protects his woman.

Chris: Babe, a drunk guy spilled a drink on your shoe, I’m not gonna kick his ass for that.

Saoirse: Right, yeah. Because you’re a little girl who needs her tampons.

Mikey: [passing the tampons] Okay, you guys are all set.

Saoirse: Great, thanks. [to Chris] I’m leaving. Don’t follow me. [Saoirse walks away while Chris just looks around] [yelling] Are you coming?

Chris: Yes! I don’t know what to do, man!

[Saoirse and Chris leave]

Mikey: Next, ma’am. Hello.

[Aidy walks in. He has a parrot on her shoulder and it has pooped all over her shoulder.]

Aidy: Hello. I will not go into detail, but let’s just say that the brand of bird seed doesn’t agree with my parrot’s stomach.

Mikey: Yeah. I can see that. I can give you store credit.

Aidy: Okay. Wonderful. And can you just point me in the direction of women’s shirts, carpet cleaner and I guess, unfortunately, mouth wash.

Mikey: Oh, they’re all out in the store, ma’am. Thank you. Next.

[Aidy walks out. Cecily walks in taking a selfie video.]

Cecily: Okay, Facebook live.

Mikey: No, don’t.

Cecily: Get ready to watch a customer begging out her right.

Mikey: Ma’am. Stop doing–

Cecily: What? What? Can I talk?

Mikey: Can you just stop?

Cecily: Can I talk? Oh, can I talk?

Mikey: You come in here a lot.

Cecily: Coz y’all told me to test it, right? Watch, does this say goodbye to stains?

[Cecily opens a pan and tries to cover her shirt stain writing on it]

Look, stain. I’m stain. It ain’t doing nothing. Stain.

Mikey: You can’t rub it on mustard.

Cecily: And y’all trynna’ charge me $100?

Mikey: No, it didn’t cost $100.

Cecily: Oh, he calling me a liar. Facebook live. Say it again. It’s on Facebook live.

Mikey: No, I’m not calling you a liar.

Cecily: You know what? That’s racial discrimination. Find this man.

Mikey: Racial? You’re white!

Cecily: You don’t know that. Find this man! You going viral! You going– He going– You going viral!

[Cecily leaves]

Mikey: Okay. I’m not going viral. Next.

[Pete and Heidi walk in. Heidi has pregnant belly.]

Pete: Yo! These pregnancy test don’t work, man!

Mikey: Okay. Did you read the instructions?

Pete: Dude, yes. I’m not stupid. I read the instructions. I took it out, I peed on it, I waited 15 minutes and nothing happened.

Mikey: Oh wait, dude, you peed on it? No, she got to pee on it, man.

Heidi: I freaking told you, you freaking idiot! Now we’ll never know.

[Pete and Heidi storm out]

Mikey: [looking at Heidi’s belly.] Yeah. She’s pregnant, man. Um, you’re next.

[Cut to Kate at the doorway. She is an old lady on automated wheelchair.]

Kate: These jeans are too baggy. I look like an urban in them.

Mikey: Alright, can you just come up a little closer?

Kate: You’re the boss.

[Kate moves forward on her wheelchair and hits Mikey’s counter. Wheelchair’s airbag is triggered.]

Mikey: You did it again.

[Cecily walks in again taking selfie video]

Cecily: Oh, watch! Watch! Facebook live, he just killed that old lady. Y’all can see that? You’re going viral!

Mikey: No, I didn’t.

Cecily: He’s going viral.

Mikey: She’s not dead.

Bachelor Auction

Mikey Day

Brandon… Beck Bennett

Melissa Villaseñor

Chad… Pete Davidson

Sylvia… Cecily Strong

Cecil… Kate McKinnon

Patty… Aidy Bryant

Leslie Jones

Peg… Saoirse Ronan

Kenan Thompson

John McEnroe

[Starts with Mikey hosting an auction. Brandon is standing with Mikey on the stage.]

Mikey: Going once. Going twice. Whoa, sold for a whopping $1,600. Congratulations to this lovely young lady at table six. You have won breakfast in a private tennis lesson with our head instructor Brandon.

Brandon: Heads up. I’m gonna make you sweat.

Melissa: At breakfast?

Brandon: No. The tennis lesson.

Mikey: Okay. You two, go see Dana to set that date. $1,600 is the biggest take so far in our Orange Park Acres Tennis Club bachelor auction. Remember, all proceeds from tonight go to our club youth traveling team. So, keep those bids coming. Our next tennis club bachelor works at the club pro shop. It’s Chad. [Chad walks in] You may know Chad from vaping in the parking lot. You’re bidding on a lunch with Chad. So, we’ll start the bidding at, I don’t know, fifty bucks. Sounds good, Chad?

Chad: Okay.

Mikey: Alright. Do I hear fifty?

[Cut to the ladies]

Sylvia: Oh my god. There is something about that boy. $fifty.

Peg: 100.

Sylvia: 500.

Leslie: 1,000.

[Cut to Mikey and Chad]

Mikey: Wow, Chad’s a hit. Anything to keep those bids coming, man? You got any hidden talents, Chad?

Chad: Um, I made up the dance called ‘Doink Doink’.

Mikey: Alright, let’s see it.

Chad: Okay. [starts dancing] Doink Doink Doink Doink Doink Doink Doink Doink.

[Cut to the ladies]

Sylvia: Oh my god. The Doink Doink is amazing.

Peg: Yes. We have eyes, Sylvia.

Cecil: $5,000.

Sylvia: Oh, typical Cecil. Jump in the action’s hot.

Peg: $10,000, and I’ll raise myself to 15. I must have the Doink Doink.

Patty: Go home, ladies. Patty has come to play. Damn $30,000.

Peg: $50,000. And that’s a bargain.

Cecil: Look, I am willing to go to six figures, but I need more. What else does Chad bring to the table?

[Cut to Mikey and Chad]

Mikey: [to Chad] Um, any other talents, Chad?

Chad: Um, I could do an impression of Jim Carrey as the Grinch.

[Cut to the ladies]

Sylvia: Oh, Jesus, this place is going to explode.

Peg: $100,000. I don’t even need to hear it.

Cecil: What if it’s not good?

Sylvia: Of course, it will be good. It’s Chad, you cow!

Peg: Just shut up, all of you. Let Chad work.

[Cut to Mikey and Chad.]

Chad: Okay. Um, this is when he’s talking to his dog. [doing Jim Carry’s Grinch impression] Tomorrow’s Christmas. It’s practically here.

[Cut to the ladies. All of them stand.]

All ladies: $500,000.

Peg: $600,000. That sounded exactly like the Grinch.

Leslie: $700,000, and I didn’t even see the Grinch.

[Cut to Mikey and Chad]

Mikey: I feel like I’m in the upside down right now. Chad’s Grinch impression took us to 700 grand.

Chad: Oh, um, I can do a magic trick.

[Cut to the ladies]

Peg: It’s pointless ladies. There’s a reason you call me “Richy Bitch” behind my back. I get what I want.

Sylvia: Oh, quiet, Peg. Look.

[Chad is doing a stupid trick.]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: $10 million.

[Cut to Mikey and Chad]

Mikey: Ten million, going once, twice, sold to the mystery man in the fun coat. Um, who are you, sir?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: It doesn’t matter. What matters is the lunch with Chad is mine. Have the boy cleaned and take him to my lodge.

[Kenan walks out]

[Cut to Mikey and Chad]

Mikey: Sounds kind of creepy. Are you cool with that Chad?

Chad: Okay.

Mikey: Okay. Big hand for Chad. [Chad leaves] Alright, Chad. Alright, on to our big ticket item, we pulled a lot of strings to get him here. Get your check books ready for our next bachelor. Tennis legend, John McEnroe.

[John McEnroe walks in]

Tell us, what are they bidding on, Mr McEnroe?

John McEnroe: Alright. I’m offering a weekend stay at my stay, a.k.a. the Mac Shack. It includes a three hours tennis lesson from your’s truly, a mixed double’s match with Andre Agassi and Steffi Graf. And of course, unlimited selfies with me, John McEnroe, the bad boy of tennis.

Mikey: Whoa. Okay. The bad boy of tennis. Ladies, start that bidding.

[Cut to the ladies. They don’t look interested.]

John McEnroe: What? You gotta be kidding me. [yelling] I’m John McEnroe, man! What do you ladies want? You can bring Chad along. Is this what you want? [starts dancing like Chad] Doink Doink?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: $20 million.

[Cut to Mikey and John McEnroe]

John McEnroe: Now that is more like it.

Mikey: Sold! $20 million.

American Girl Store

Jack Trask… Beck Bennett

Beth Runyon… Cecily Strong

Ben Hartley… Kenan Thompson

Thomas Dean… Mikey Day

Debbie Pritchard… Saoirse Ronan

Karen Kellers… Leslie Jones

Becca Simms… Heidi Gardner

Security… Alex Moffatt

[Starts with Action News 9 At Five intro]

Male voice: Action News 9, News At Five, Eye on Phoenix.

[Cut to Jack Trask and Beth Runyon in their news set]

Jack Trask: Good evening, I’m Jack Trask.

Beth Runyon: And I’m Beth Runyon. Out top story, chaos at the Canyon Gallery at a shopping center today as an underground gas main exploded giving shoppers at the American Girl store quite a scare. Luckily, no one was seriously hurt.

Jack Trask: Action 9’s Ben Hartley is live at the Canyon Gallery in downtown Phoenix. [Cut to Ben Hartley] Ben, quite a scene down there today.

Ben Hartley: You can say that again, Jack. I’m joined by Thomas Dean and Debbie Pritchard. Two customers who were inside the American Girl store when the explosion happened. My first question, obviously, are you children okay?

Debbie Pritchard: Um, yes, my daughter’s fine. She’s in the car with her dad.

Ben Hartley: And you, Mr. Dean?

Thomas Dean: Um, I don’t have children. I had just briefly popped in to the American Girl store to buy a doll for someone else. It was not for me. It was a gift.

[Ben Hartley looks at Thomas Dean awkwardly]

Ben Hartley: Okay. Um, was there any warning? Was there any warning right before the explosion happened? What happened?

Debbie Pritchard: Oh. Well, I was in line behind Mr. Dean who was buying his doll.

Thomas Dean: [interrupting] As a gift.

Debbie Pritchard: And he was arguing with the sales person saying his doll’s hairstyle looks sort of sloppy and not of the period.

Thomas Dean: [interrupting] Yeah, and then the explosion happened. It was just like a boom!

Debbie Pritchard: Yes! Exactly. And I actually need to thank Mr. Dean because my last thought before the explosion was, you know, “This grown man is alone in a doll store screaming about his doll’s hairstyle.”

Thomas Dean: [interrupting] I barely raised my voice. I wasn’t screaming.

Debbie Pritchard: And I thought it was weird.

Thomas Dean: [interrupting] Not if it’s a gift, though. Not if it’s a gift.

Debbie Pritchard: And I sort of instinctively hugged my daughter closer to me to protect her. And that actually saved her from some of the falling glass.

Ben Hartley: Wow! [looking at Thomas Dean] Well, thank god you were obsessed with your doll’s hairstyle, sir.

Thomas Dean: No. It was more that it was messy. Upper class girls in the 1920s were very put together. So I’m told. I was buying a gift. It was just so chaotic.

Ben Hartley: Yeah. I bet. Um, Jack and Beth, can you believe what you’re hearing?

[Cut to Jack Trask and Beth Runyon]

Jack Trask: No. I mean, it’s definitely his doll, right?

Beth Runyon: Jack! We’re joined now by representative of Canyon Rock gas, Karen Kellers. [Cut to split screen with Beth Runyon and Karen Kellers] Thanks for speaking with us, Ms. Kellers.

Karen Kellers: My pleasure.

Beth Runyon: Now, should residents be concerned by this?

Karen Kellers: There’s no reason to panic. Just because a grown man collects dolls, it doesn’t mean he a predator.

Beth Runyon: Um, Ms. Kellers, I’m sorry if I wasn’t clear. I was referring to the gas main explosion.

Karen Kellers: Oh, yes. That’s very bad.

Beth Runyon: Well, okay. Thank you, Ms. Kellers.

[Cut to Jack Trask]

Jack Trask: Let’s check back in with Ben down at the scene. Ben?

[Cut to Ben Hartley. He is with Becca Simms.]

Ben Hartley: Yeah, Jack, Beth, I’m here with another eye witness, Ms. Becca Simms, an employee at the American Girl store. Can you tell us what happened?

Becca Simms: Yes. I work in the cafe where the doll owners can eat with their dolls. I was setting up a table for the gentleman you were just speaking with earlier, Mr. Dean and his doll, Christine Somersby.

[Thomas Dean runs in interrupting]

Thomas Dean: That wasn’t me. It was someone else.

[Thomas Dean runs out]

Becca Simms: No, no. It was him. He handed me a $20 bill and said, “Give us a table with a view. Christian’s new money. Not Trolly Trash.”

[Thomas Dean runs in interrupting]

Thomas Dean: Then the explosion happened. Just like, “Boom.” Do you remember the explosion?

Ben Hartley: Yeah, can you explain that?

Thomas Dean: Oh! It was just like a loud “Boom” of no where.

Ben Hartley: No, the phrase ‘Trolly Trash.’

Thomas Dean: Oh! Um, in the 1920s in Christian’s era, prostitutes would look for customers on trollies. So I’m told. It’s just a gift. Oh my god! This looks crazy!

Ben Hartley: Alright, Beth, Jack, I’m seeing an emergency service worker here. [Ben Hartley walks to Security] Sir, can you tell us about the situation inside the store?

Security: Um, sure. I mean, luckily, we have no injuries except for this little lady we found on the ground. [Security shows a doll]

[Thomas Dean runs in]

Thomas Dean: She’s gonna be on TV. She might as well have a hat.

[Thomas Dean puts a hat on the doll and runs out.]

It’s a gift.

Security: Uh-huh. But the structural damage is extensive. Right now, it looks like the American Girl store is gonna be closed for eight months.

[Thomas Dean runs in again]

Thomas Dean: Does that include a salon in the second floor?

Security: Whole building.

Thomas Dean: Ah!

[Thomas Dean walks out]

Ben Hartley: Well, thank you for talking with us. Jack, Beth, back to you in the studio.

[Cut to Jack Trask and Beth Runyon]

Beth Runyon: Well, quite an ordeal for those customers down there.

Jack Trask: Oh, he’ll be fine. There’s another American Girl store in Tempi.

Beth Runyon: Jack! We’ll be right back.

Wayne Thanksgiving

Bruce… Beck Bennett

Kate McKinnon

Leslie Jones

Chance the Rapper

Kenan Thompson

Chris Redd

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with a clip of Wayne Manor in Gotham City in Thanksgiving eve’]

[Cut to the thanksgiving party inside Wayne Manor]

Kate: Bruce, the mayor once again thanks you for your generosity. Your annual Wayne Manor holiday food drive has become an important tradition for our inner city in these hard times.

Bruce: Please, whatever I can do to give back to the good citizens of Gotham is my pleasure.

Kate: Also, some of the people that you helped this year would just like to personally say thank you if it’s not too much trouble.

Bruce: Oh, of course not. I would love to talk to them.

Kate: Okay, wonderful. Right, this way.

[Leslie and Chance walk in]

Leslie: Thank you so much, Mr. Wayne. The food drive is a godsend. We haven’t gotten this lucky since the Joker hijacked the fresh direct truck and left it open in the projects.

Bruce: Well, the joker is a bad man. And we’re very lucky that Batman has brought him to justice.

Leslie: Either way, me and my son really thank you.

Chance: Can I ask him now, mama?

Leslie: Boy! I am not bothering this nice man. He has done a good thing. Let it go.

Bruce: What is it, son? You can ask your old pal Bruce anything.

Chance: Okay, Bruce, do you know how Batman is always so tough on crime?

Bruce: He sure is, son. And I’ll tell you a little secret. I actually know Batman.

Chance: Okay. Well, can you tell him to cool it down in our neighborhood?

Bruce: Cool it down? What do you mean?

Chance: Somebody’s gotta do something about him. I mean, he broke my best friend’s jaw in two places and all he did was steal a TV. That’s excessive.

[Leslie tries to shut Chance up]

Leslie: Malik!

Bruce: It’s okay, ma’am. Listen, Malik. Stealing is a crime and Batman doesn’t take crime lightly.

Chance: Obviously, coz then he zip lined him to the top of the building and then left him hanging for like, 30 minutes, 30 stories up on a gargoyle by his under wear.

Bruce: Um, well, Batman fights crime wherever he sees it.

Chance: Just seems like he’s in our neighborhood all the time.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: Who y’all talking about? Batman?

Leslie and Chance: Yeah.

Kenan: Man, somebody has to do something about him.

Chance: That’s what I’m saying.

Kenan: You know, he broke my jaw in three places just for littering.

Leslie: For real?

Chance: See? I told you.

Kenan: Yeah. He did that back hand thing and like, knocked all my damn teeth out.

Bruce: Alright. Well, there’s a lot of other families that would like to talk to me, now.

Kenan: Then, he picked my ass up in that zip line thing. Sent me flying up like 30 stories on a gargoyle and just left me there hanging by my drawers.

Leslie: Why does he always leave brothers dangling from the gargoyle?

Chance: It’s weird. That’s my whole point.

Bruce: Look, crime happens really fast. I’m sure Batman has to make a lot of split seconds judgment calls.

[Chris walks in]

Chris: Who y’all talking about? Batman?

All: Yeah.

Chris: Somebody got to do something about him, man. Man, my car stalled out in the middle of the road one night and he came out of nowhere and broke all my damn windows. Snatched me out the car and threw me outside of a Best Buy.

Chance: Did your jaw break?

Chris: Oh, for sure. Immediately. It goes without saying. He just leaves me hanging there. I’m like, “Um, hello, am I even under arrest? Am I gonna get charged for something?”

Kenan: You know, he crashed a full plane on my street and then just walked away. I was like, “I guess my mercury bobcat is under here somewhere.”

Bruce: Look, I’m sorry.

Kenan: Sorry?

Chance: Why are you sorry?

Bruce: I’m just empathizing, like, I’m sorry for you.

Leslie: Well, I tell you what, I hope somebody kicks Batman’s ass.

Kenan: Whoo! I would love that. We should all jump him. The whole community. Teach him a lesson.

Chris: Yeah, yeah. Get all the baseball bats we can find and break his jaw for a change.

Chance: Yeah. Leave him hanging by his drawers for a change.

Bruce: I don’t think that’s a good idea, guys.

Chance: You’re right. We should burn his cave down.

All: Yeah!

Bruce: No, not my cave!

Chris: What?

Chance: What?

Bruce: Is what he would say, I’m sure. Look, I’ll talk to Batman for you guys. I’ll tell him to give you all a break. He’s not a bad guy, I swear.

[Melissa walks in]

Melissa: What y’all talking about? Batman?

All: Yeah.

Chance: Somebody’s gotta do something about him.

Melissa: Oh, don’t worry about that. My cousin is locked up with the joker right now and they are cooking a perfect plan to get rid of him for good.

Chance: That’s what I’m talking about.

Chris: Whatever I could do to help.

Bruce: Um, so what’s this plan?

Leslie: Don’t worry about it, Mr. Wayne. You’ve done enough for us.

Melissa: Come on, y’all. I’ll tell you all about it. The joker’s gonna cut off Batman’s weiner.

Bruce: Not my weiner! Is what he’s going to say!

Family Feud- Harvey Family Thanksgiving

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Janelle… Leslie Jones

Mike… Chris Redd

Andre… Michael Che

Ricky Harvey

Carol… Aidy Bryant

Peter… Beck Bennett

Justin… Mikey Day

Cecil… Chance the Rapper

[Starts with Family Feud intro]

Male voice: It’s time to play Family Feud, thanks giving edition. Here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Cut to Steve Harvey walking in]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Okay. Okay, now, welcome to a special thanksgiving edition of Family Feud. Now, some folks like white meat. Some folks like dark meat. Let me tell you a secret. Everybody like dark meat. Now, thanksgiving is all about family. So, I got two special ones here today. First, it’s my own. It’s the Harvey family.

[Cut to the Harvey family]

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Yeah. These people are not only related to me, but they also work in Steve Harvey organization. First, we got my wife, Janelle who handles all my appearances. What else I got to do today, darling?

[Cut to Janelle]

Janelle: Well, after this, you got your daytime show. Then you got your radio show. Then you got your book signing at Red Lobster.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Wow! Yeah. You like it when I’m busy. Big daddy getting that money. Ha-ha. Next, we’ve got my brother, Mike, who designs all my suits.

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: What’s up, Steve? I came up with a new suit color yesterday. It is palorange.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: That’s gonna be a number one best seller. Plorange. Ha-ha-ha. I like that. Plorange. Next, we got my nephew Andre who writes jokes for me.

[Cut to Andre]

Andre: That’s right. I came up with the bit on ‘Little Big Shots’ where when a child says something you stare at him for 20 seconds like he’s a ghost.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, you mean like this? [Steve Harvey looks at camera] Yeah, I love that bit, man. And finally, we got my cousin Ricky who runs my personal line of mustache conditioning products.

[Cut to Ricky Harvey]

Ricky Harvey: That’s right. It’s called the Greasy Caterpillar.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Huge seller, man. Make you mustache dark and shiny like a slippery little penguin. And on the other side, we have got the Diedrichson family. [Cut to Diedrichson family. They are white] Now, we not blood related but these folks are like family to me. Carol Diedrichson has been on of my closest friends for over 30 years.

[Cut to Carol]

Carol: Yeah, that’s true. And I brought my wonderful family. You remember my husband Peter?

[cut to Peter]

Peter: Hey, Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Hey, good to see you, Peter.

Carol: My son, Justin.

[Cut to Justin]

Justin: Hey, Steve.

[cut to Carol]

Carol: And my other son, Cecil.

[Cut to Cecil. He is black. he has mustache like Steve Harvey, he looks like Steve Harvey and he speaks like Steve Harvey.]

Cecil: How you doing, player? [he speaks like Steve Harvey]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Well, hey there, Cecil. Wow. You sure have grown up since I last saw you.

[Cut to Cecil]

Cecil: Yeah, it has been a minute.

[Cut to Carol looking at Steve Harvey and Cecil]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Hm, there’s something about you.

[Cut to Janelle looking furious at Steve Harvey]

Janelle: Yeah, I say so.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You know what? Why don’t we just start the game? Give me two players up here. Let’s play the feud.

[Janelle and Carol walk to the stage. Carol tries to shake her hand with Janelle but Janelle rejects.]

Janelle: No, thank you.

Steve Harvey: What? I thought you all was friends. Women are strange. Okay, 100 people surveyed. Top four answers on the board. Name something that you’re thankful for.

[Carol presses the button]

Carol: My home.

Steve Harvey: Oh, good answer. Good answer. You like your home, huh?

Carol: Oh, yes. We love it in Tempe.

Steve Harvey: Tempe, Arizona? Oh, I love Tempe. I spent some time on tour there about 17, 18 years ago.

Carol: Oh, I remember. It was raining.

Steve Harvey: Huh! Anyway, show me a place to do the nasty!

[right answer bell]

Ay! Number one answer. Alright, do y’all want to pass or play?

Carol: Well, I’m glad to play with you, Steve.

Steve Harvey: Ha-ha-ha. Yeah, you were always like that.

Carol: Yeah.

[Steve Harvey peeks at Janelle. She is looking at him furiously.]

Alright, come on Diedrichson family. Something that you are thankful for. Peter? [Steve Harvey walks to Dierdrichson family]

Peter: Well, I hope this isn’t selfish, Steve, but I’m thankful for money. Not for me, but to provide for my family. Like, equipment for Justin’s street hockey team. Or buying pocket squares and super shiny shoes for Cecil.

Steve Harvey: Oh, you like shiny shoes, huh?

Cecil: Yeah. The shinier the better.

Steve Harvey: I hear you, man. I love me some gators. Show me, getting that money. [right answer bell] Alright, it’s up there. Okay, we got two left. Justin, something that you’re thankful for.

Justin: Oh, um, I gotta say my health. I’m the fastest one on my cross country team. But I’m not strong like Cecil.

Steve Harvey: Yeah, he is strong, ain’t he? He must have good genes.

Justin: Oh, yeah. Cecil’s always been big.He’s had a full mustache since age 11.

Cecil: And, I was the sexiest boy in the 6th grade.

Steve Harvey: Well, you and I are very similar. Show me, big and manly at an early age. [right answer bell] Oh, yes.

[Justin and Cecil do high-five]

Cecil: Half brother. All in.

Steve Harvey: Wait, wait. Hold up? Half brother? I thought you wasadopted.

Cecil: Oh, no, Steve. Mama had me before she got married 17 years ago.

Steve Harvey: 17 years? Okay. Now, I’m doing a math. That’s–

Steve Harvey and Cecil: Kind of freaky.

[Steve Harvey and Cecil look at each other awkwardly]

Steve Harvey: Oh my lord, help me. [sad music playing] [Steve Harvey walks to Carol] I did a bad thing. I did bad. I thought I was out. I thought I was all the way out.

Carol: No, Steve, there’s nothing you need to do, okay?

Peter: And what are we talking about?

Carol: Steve, Steve, look at me. You didn’t do anything wrong.

Steve Harvey: But, is he smart os is he like– [pointing at himself]

Carol: He’s so smart, Steve. So, smart. Go over. Say hi.

[Steve Harvey walks to Cecil]

Steve Harvey: Hey, there, little fellow. Do you mind if I play the feud with you? Tell me what you’r thankful for.

Cecil: Well, player, I’m thankful for family in whatever form it takes.

Steve Harvey: You damn right. Show me family. [right answer bell] Ay! There it is. The Diedrichson family win. Next up, we going to play the lightning round but I feel like I should just give them the money. We’ll be right back.

Janelle: Hold up. This ain’t no happy ending.

Steve Harvey: Yeah, we got a lot of stuff to talk about. We do.