Tag: Mikey Day

Sean Spicer Press Conference Cold Open (Melissa McCarthy)

Sean Spicer… Melissa McCarthy

Glen Thrush… Bobby Moynihan

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

Sasheer Zamata

Mikey Day

Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with a video message]

Male voice: We now go live to the Daily White House press briefing with press secretary Sean Spicer.

[Cut to Sean Spicer on a podium]

[cheers and applause]

Sean Spicer: Alright everyone, be quiet. Be seated. Sit down. Sit down. Alright. First of all, I’ld like to announce I am calm now. And I will remain calm as long as you sons of– I’m not gonna do that because that’s is the old spicy. And this is the new spicy. And I have been told that I must cut back on the gum chewing so I am now limiting myself to one slice a day. [showing a huge gum] So, I’m going to enjoy my one and only and you can just sit and watch. [Sean Spicer opens the huge gum and chews it. Then puts it on the podium.] I’ll get back to you later. Now, I’d like to begin with president’s schedule. Three PM, president Trump will meet with the leader from Central Asia, president… oh, boy, [not being able to read the president’s name] Asma-back-atima-baby. OKay? To discuss the unrest in Kahaga– [not being able to read the country’s place] Kahagasthan. Specifically in.. Arabara– [not being able to read the place’s name] Arawanaabag. So, write that. And they will be joined by his wife… um, I’m just gonna pass on that one. You know what? Let’s just call her Connie. Alright? Okay, did that. Now, I’m going to open this up for questions. And I’m gonna probably freak if you start asking stupid ones. Speaking of freaks and stupid ones, , Glenn Thrush, New York Times, stupid hat, so.

[Cut to Glenn Thrush]

Glenn: Look, I just wanted to know what the president intends to do now that the appeals court denied his request to stop the travel ban?

[Cut to Sean Spicer breathing heavy]

Sean Spicer: [looking above] You’re testing me, big guy. Look, it’s simple. If the appeals court won’t do what’s right, president Trump will see them in court. Specifically, the people’s court.

[Cut to Glenn Thrush]

Glenn: That isn’t real.

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: [mocking Glenn] Uh, that isn’t real. I’m Glenn, and I’m not really– [yelling] It is real, Glenn! It says that right before each case, Glen. It says cases are real. The rulings are final. Don’t f* with me Glenn. Next question. It’s turkey.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Um, the president has said there should be a test to see if immigrants truly love America. What would that test even be?

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: Um, it’s easy, it’s extreme vetting. Extreme vetting.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Um, what does that mean? Extreme vetting?

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: What does it mean? It means it’s extreme! Okay? You know what? Spicy is going to explain it so you dumb babies can understand it. So I guess I can’t use my big words. I’m gonna have to use my dollies.

[Sean Spicer steps aside. There are two boxes in front of him]

Alright? You ready for dollies so you can understand what’s going on? Here’s how it’s going to go down. You’ve got your TSA agent right here, okay? [showing an action figure] And first you have a barbie coming in. [showing a barbie doll] Nice American girl back from a dream vacation. We know she’s okay because she’s blonde. So she gets in. [throwing the barbie inside another box] Easy. We understand that perfect. Now who’s up next? [showing another black barbie] Oh-oh! It’s Moana.  Whoa, whoa, slow your roll, honey. And then we are going to pat her down and then we’re gonna read her emails. And if we don’t like the answers which we won’t, boom! Guantanamo Bay.

[Sean Spicer walks back to the podium]

Alright, let’s go! Next question.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Yes. Earlier this week, you said there was a terrorist attack in Atlanta.

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: [laughing] Um, yeah. I said that wrong when I said it, and then you wrote it, which makes you wrong. Because when I say something wrong, you guys should know what it is I mean? Wrong or right, you are wrong. And that’s why you’re here. Obviously I meant Orlanta.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Orlando.

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: [getting angry] You know what? [Sean Spicer picks up the gum she had put on the podium and throws it to Sasheer] Okay? Look, the problem is all these terrorist instances and incidents that you are not reporting on. Okay? I have a whole list here that you never even write about. Never covered them once. Let’s read from the list. Okay? The Bowling Green massacre. Not the Kellyanne one. The real one. Okay? The horror in Six Flags. The slaughter at Fragglerock. The night they drove Old Dixie down. Okay? And then there was some light terrorism this week when Nordstorm’s decided to stop selling Ivanka Trump’s line of clothing and accessories. Okay? And that’s Nordstrom’s loss. Because these are high, high quality products. IN fact, I am waring one of her bangles right now. It’s beautiful, it’s shimmery, it’s elegant and at $39.99? [Details to product and phone number to buy appears on screen like those of commercial ads] It is unbelievably affordable. Okay? And don’t even get me started on her shoes. Alright? These babies are real turners. Okay, now we have brand new Attorney General and everyone is very excited about him. And he’s going to answer some questions as well as, here we go! yeah! Jeff Sessions.

[Jeff Sessions walks in]

Jeff Sessions: Thank you so much. Thank you. This is awesome. Thank you so much. I do want to say I appreciate it. The fierce debate around my nomination. Lindsay Graham came in like a porcupine. But then my friend Mitch McConnell swoop in like an alligator, bite a head off. We know there are two kinds of crime, regular and black.

[Sean Spicer runs in and pushes Jeff Sessions away]

Sean Spicer: Alright! Alright! Case made! Case made! Thank you, secretary Sessions. Now, as you know, we do need some one here to bring back law and order because places like Chicago, the murder rate is over 80%. 80% of people the people in Chicago have been murdered and are dead. And that’s on you. You did that.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Yeah. You know what? I’m looking at the real numbers here and they directly contradict everything you said.

[Sean Spicer comes forward with a leaf blower and uses it on Cecily.]

Sean Spicer: You know what that was? That was me blowing away their dishonesty. Alright, any other questions?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Yeah. Um, just mentally though, are you okay?

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: Are you kidding me? [This time, she has an automatic podium that runs like a bike, so she runs it to it Kyle.] Run! You better run! You don’t have a chance. And life from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Russell Stover

Alex Moffat

Mikey Day

Melissa Villaseñor

Sasheer Zamata

Leslie Jones

Alec Baldwin

[Starts with a couple enjoying wine in a candle light.]

Female voice: You’ve always loved her and nothing says “I love you” like the classic Russell Stover heart-shaped box of chocolages.

[Mikey gives Melissa a heart shaped box of chocolate]

Mikey: Happy Valentine’s day, baby.

Female voice: But February isn’t only about Valentine’s day.

[Cut to Alex giving Sasheer a heart shaped box of chocolate]

Alex: Happy black history month, baby.

Sasheer: It’s not gonna be– [Sasheer opens the box of chocolate. They’re all face shaped chocolate making it look like they’re black.] Oh, it is.

Female voice: Russell Stover is honored to introduce our black history heart shaped box. Inside you’ll find twenty eight scrumptious African-American heroes. One for each delicious day of thie important month.

Alex: [picking up one chocolate] Terry Tubman, babe.

Sasheer: [not happy] Okay.

Female voice: Because a deep rich culture deserves a deep, rich chocolate.

[Cut to Alec giving Leslie a box of chocolate]

Leslie: Oh, I thought you forgot, baby.

Alec: About your struggle? Never.

Leslie: What?

[Leslie opens the box. Alec shows her his fist.]

Don’t do that!

Female voice: Each of these delectable black Americans is identified right on the box along with their indulgent flavor.

Leslie: Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., I have a cream?

[Cut to Alex and Sasheer]

Alex: [eating one chocolate] It’s peanut-butter. Wonder–

Sasheer: It’s George Washington.

Alex: George Washington Carver. Nailed it.

Female voice: From the fiery cayenne-infused caramel of Malcolm X to the airy marshmallow of Dizzy Gillespie.

[Cut to Leslie and Alec]

Leslie: Babe, they got a Bill clinton in here?

Female voice: Show her you love her and her culture, with Russell Stover’s black history heart-shaped box. Russell Stover, re we doing this right?

Gym Class

Coach… Alec Baldwin

Max… Alex Moffat

Doug… Mikey Day

Sue… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Coach helping Max to do his sit-ups.]

Coach: Ten seconds left, Max. You’re not going to beat the school record at this pace.

Friends: Come on, Max. You can do it.

Max: Argh! [fails] I can’t do it.

Coach: Oh, sorry Max, good effort. Do we have any other challengers?

Doug: Um, I could try, coach. I know I’m not like a Max level athlete, but I’d like to try.

Coach: Now, that’s what I like to hear. Get down here, Doug. Big cheer for Doug. Let’s hear it.

Friends: Go Doug! You’re the man.

Coach: You call can learn a thing or two form Doug here. Stepping up to the plate by challenging yourself. Alright now, Doug, [holds Doug’s feet] don’t worry about the count. All of your focus should be on pushing your body to its limits.

Doug: I know, coach. I’m ready.

Coach: Okay. One minute on the clock, Sue.

Sue: Yeah.

Doug: And hey, coach, thanks for believing in me. Not just for this, but for everything.
Coach: You’re welcome, Doug. Let’s see if you can break the school record. Ready, set, go!

[Doug starts doing sit-ups but with ever sit-up he is farting loud]

Good pace. [he is farting even louder] Don’t slow down. You got this. Cheer him on, guys. Cheer him on.

Doug: I need a break!

Coach: No way, Doug. YOu’re not allowed to quit. Not when you’re this close. Push it! Power through!

[Doug starts doing sit-ups again, with long farts]

Three more.

Two more.

Last one.

My god, he did it! Doug broke the school record!

[The friends aren’t cheering as they’re disgusted]

Doug: Wow! I couldn’t have done it without you, coach.

Coach: Oh, now you’re going to be a legend in this school. I’m telling you. Hey, I bet you guys are never gonna forget the day, and you’ll tell everybody of the day you saw Doug do this here. Right?

Sue: We will literally never forget.

[school bell ringing]

Coach: Alright, good work today, everyone. Good work. [whispering to Doug] And I think you might have let out a little toot back there, Doug, but don’t worry. I don’t think any of the girls heard it.

Drill Sergeant

Drill Sergeant… Beck Bennett

Soldier Larson… Mikey Day

Colonel Larson… Alec Baldwin

Alex Moffat

Mom… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Drill Sergeant preparing his soldiers for inspection]

Drill Sergeant: Big day, C Company. Colonel Larson is on base for inspections. so you maggots better look alive. That includes you, Larson. You think just because your dad is a colonel, you can get away with a bed corner like that?

Larson: No drill sergeant!

Drill Sergeant: You are damn, right, Larson. No one gets a free pass here. No matter who your daddy is. Do I make myself clear?

Soldiers: Yes, drill sergeant.

Drill Sergeant: Attention. [Colonel walks in] Colonel larson in the bunk.

Colonel: Well, the infamous C Company. There is a rumor going around that you are the sorriest, laziest group of recruits on the base and I started that rumor. Gizmo course time, horrendous target mark, and an attitude that stinks worse than the outhouse in a chili cookout. Chilly cook out on that, dammit? [yelling at Alex’s ears] Chilly cook out, I said! Not a single one of you is fit to be a soldier in my army. [to his son] God, you look so handsome in the uniform, son. I’m so proud of you.

Larson: Dad, stop.

Drill Sergeant: Sir, I apologize for the state of my recruits.

Colonel: Not your fault, sergeant! It’s theirs. [yelling] These sacks of dog crap came here to become lean, mean, fighting machines. But all I see is scared littler girls. Scared little girls. And no one, not one is a brave man. [to his son] Except you. You’re my brave little man.

Larson: Dad, I beg you to stop.

Colonel: [yelling] Now you maggots drop and do pushups until you puke blood, you hear me?

Soldier: Sir, yes sir!

[All the soldiers start their pushups]

One, two, three, four, five, six…

[Colonel is shaking a paper fan for his son]

Larson: I don’t need that .Dad stop.

Colonel: [yelling] Alright, on your feet. [Soldiers stand] You call them pushups? What’s wrong with you? You got a wand up your ass, Harry Potter?

Peter: Sir, no sir.

[Larson laughs]

Colonel: Who the hell just laughed? Well, well, well. A couple of jokers laughing it up. [to Alex] You two friends or something?

Alex: Sir, yes sir.

Colonel: So is making friends okay?

Alex: Yes, yes, sir.

Colonel: [asking about his son] He’s not doing his shy thing where he’s quiet in big groups?

Alex: Sir, no sir.

Colonel: Good.

Alex: He’s adjusting great.

Colonel: Fantastic. Now what was your time on the rope course, princess?

Alex: 2.13, sir.

Colonel: Pathetic. [walks to Peter] And you, four eyes, what is your marksmanship grades?

Peter: Satisfactory sir!

Colonel: Pitiful! Larson, I hear you have a birth date coming up and your mothe wants to know where you want to have your dinner!

Larson: Sir, cheesecake factory, sir!

Colonel: Excellent choice. Huge menu, something for everyone, well done, Larson. God, I can’t believe you’re turning 21, son. Remember that song they used to sing to you during bath time? Remember?

[singing] Don’t go peepee in the bathtub
coz peepee goes in the…

Larson: Potty.

Drill Sergeant: Sir, to teach them some discipline, I believe C Company should do double PT and train duty until further notice.

Colonel: That’s a start. But I don’t think any of these soft bodies could be like my father. [yelling] He was a real soldier. Something none of you maggots have a prayer of becoming. [to Larson] Even though you look exactly like him in that uniform. [sobbing]

Drill Sergeant: Um, yeah. So, C Company, take a lap around the base perimeter and think about if you really want to be here. Go! Go! Go! Go!

[The soldiers start jogging]

Colonel: Larson! Wait! My commanding officer wants to have a word with you.

Larson: Really?

Colonel: Yes. So look sharp. Aten-hut!

[Larson’s mother walks in]

Mother: Aw, my little baby looks so handsome.

Larson: Hey, om.

Colonel: And he made a friend.

Mother: Okay, hey, Mr. Popular.

Dry Fridays

Hunter… Mikey Day

Dana… Cecily Strong

Jenna… Aidy Bryant

Kenny… Pete Davidson

Courtney… Kristen Stewart

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Hunter talking to the students]

Hunter: Alright, what’s up everyone. Snake a seat if you can. I’m Hunter, class of ‘19 and welcome to UCONN Dry Fridays. Now, I know you’re all here coz you were caught drinking in the dorms but that doesn’t mean we can’t have some fun. Dana’s got some ‘za for us.

Dana: And cheesy bread. What, what?

Hunter: Noice! So, if it’s your first time at Dry Fridays, go ahead and introduce yourself and tell us why you’re here.

Jenna: Okay, I can go. I’m Jenna and I got caught drinking a beer in my suite. And it just sucked because it was the night before my 21st birthday.

Hunter: Yeah, zero tolerance policy on campus. What’s up, man?

Kenny: Oh, hey. I’m Kenny and I was pouring vodka into a water bottle in the bathroom when my R.A. walked in.

Hunter: Ooh! Busted! Um, hi there.

Courtney: Hey. I’m Courtney. Classic college story, you know? I Drank 40 beers, got naked, grabbed a chainsaw and went behind north quad and cut down 35 pine trees. I’ve done it, you’ve done it, but of course this time I get caught, right?

Hunter: Yeah, I mean, I don’t know about that. But that’s a good segue. Coz everyone’s done or knows someone who’s done something stupid while drunk. Right Dana?

Dana: Ah! Thanks, Hunt! Alright, freshman year, I had a few too many and mooned a cop.

Kyle: Oh! My friend R.J. fell and knocked out three of his bottom teeth.

Courtney: Oh, man! Last weekend, I did a 10 minutes solo keg stand and got so faded. Wake up the next morning, I’m like, “When did I get a no-hawk?”

Kenny: What’s a no-hawk?

Courtney: It’s like opposite mohawk.

[Courtney opens her beanie, she has her middle part of her head shaved]

Hunter: Um, okay. Yeah, see, sometimes it’s just not worth it, right?

Kenny: Dude, totally. Anyone ever get wasted and text an ex?

Everyone: Yes!

Jenna: Or ever ordered food and then pass out before it’s delivered?

Dana: Yeah, that was my move freshman year, right?

Courtney: Yeah, but did you ever black out and when you wake up you have a dog-tracking chip in your neck and you’re like, “What is that?”

Kenny: No.

Hunter: Yeah, I mean everyone’s got a story. Courtney, you go ahead and pop that beanie back on if you want. I’ll be straight with you guys. My freshman year, Dana knows about this, I passed out in the hall outside my dorm room.

Kyle: Hey, I can beat that. Spring weekend, I passed out in the Taco Bell bathroom.

Courtney:  [laughing] Oh, I can’t top that, but this one I passed out on Mr. Shinto’s island and totally missed the submarine back to the mainland. Mr. Shinto was so mad at me. Yeah.

[All the students are confused looking at Courtney]

Hunter: Alright, yeah. Not really sure who Mr. Shinto is or what that story was about, but alright.

Dana: Yeah, and like if you’re cold, feel free to go ahead and pop that beanie back on. The point is guys, drinking can lead to bad choices. Like, when I was drunk and got a tramp stamp.

Hunter: It’s a mermaid, by the way.

Dana: Thanks hunt!

Courtney: I got you beat though. You know, those indigenous tribes that put, like discs on their lips like this? I got that, but I got it here. [starts opening her pants] You guys should see this.

Hunter: Oh, no, no, no, no. No, Courtney. We’ll take your word for it. Okay? And we’ve all seen the haircut by now, so feel free to pop that beanig back on.

Dana: Guys, we’re not here to lecture you or tell you not to have a good time. But the fact is heavy drinking does some real nasty stuff to your body.

Kenny: Yeah, like, if I go hard one weekend, I get like heartburn for a week and I’m just like tired of that.

Courtney: Yeah, I’m like, legit worried about my body too. Like a month ago, I got blitzed by myself and I guess I ate eggs or something. The next morning, sorry if this is kind of nasty, I go to the bathroom and egg just comes out and it’s still in it’s shell. And I’m like, “My body is so jacked, I can’t digest an egg?” That’s crazy.

Hunter: Right. I mean, I don’t know if alcohol does that. But maybe you didn’t necessarily eat the egg? If that makes sense? Maybe you–

Courtney: Oh my god, that does make so much more sense coz I hate eggs. I would never eat one.

Kenny: But you would put one–

Hunter: Okay, hey, we don’t need to say it. Um, it’s probably a good time, Dana, to get our za?

Dana: What? Oh, I’m sorry, I’m still thinking about that egg. Like, how did it nor crack?

Jenna: And I want to hear so much more about Mr. Shinto.

Kenny: Yeah, do you have a picture of that disc thing?

Hunter: Yeah, I’m sure we all want Courtney to answer some questions and maybe put that beanie back on. But, let’s wait till after the meeting.

Courtney: Yeah, I mean, after party, my place, I got keg shots, whatever. My roommate is really cool but all of his wives are so annoying. It’s crazy.

Jenna: What is your life?

[The End]

Golden Ticket

Charlie… Kristen Stewart

Kate McKinnon

Pete Davidson

Mikey Day

Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Turner Classic Movies. We now return to 1971’s, “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.”

[Cut to an old cottage house. Inside the bedroom, there are two old men and two old women in one bed. Charlie runs in.]

Charlie: Look, everybody! I got it! The 5th golden ticket. It’s mine.

Kate: Oh, you’re pulling our legs, Charlie. There aren’t any more golden tickets.

Charlie: Grandma, the 5th one was fake. It said so in the papers. I found money in the street and I bought a chocolate bar and the ticket was in it.

Pete: Charlie!

Charlie: Grandpa, look for yourself. [hands the ticket to Pete]

Pete: [reading] Greetings to you, finder of this golden ticket, from Mr. Willy Wonka. Present this ticket at the factory gates at 10 o’clock in the morning. You may bring oner person, but no one else. Charlie, you’ve done it! [Pete comes out of the bed and stands] Look at me! Up and about! I haven’t done this in 20 years.

[singing] I never thought that I could be
anything but catastrophy
but suddenly I begin to see
a bit of good luck for me

Charlie: Wait, what? You can stand? Are you serious right now?

Pete: Yes, Charlie. I’m standing.

Charlie: Grandpa, you’ve been able to stand this entire time and you just didn’t?

Pete: Yes.

Charlie: But I thought you had terrible polio.

Pete: Oh, god no! I’m old, not sick, Charlie. Now let me finish my song.

[singing] I never thought that I could be

Charlie: I never thought you could walk, grandpa. I dropped out of school. I had to get a job. I work for a bookie.

Pete: And you’re doing great, Charlie.

Charlie: I schedule dog fights. And last week I got stabbed by a man named Dennis, it was so much fun.

Pete: Look, Charlie, you found the golden ticket, now please, let me do my number.

[singing] I never thought

Charlie: No, no. You never stood up, then I get a ticket with a plus one, and suddenly you’re dancing around like Ginger Rogers on Uppers. No.

[Mikey gets out of bed too]

Mikey: Oh, Charlie, be easy on your grandfather.

Charlie: You can stand too? Hell no, I sponge-bathed you. I washed your balls!

Mikey: I didn’t ask you to. I also thought that was strange. Calm down, Charlie.

Charlie: You calm down. I’m out on the streets while your lazy asses are in bed all day scissoring? I’m not down with that.

Pete: Come on, Charlie. Cheer up. Let’s get ready for the factory!

Charlie: What part of “You ain’t going” don’t you get, dog?

Kate: Maybe sounds like you’ve had a bit too much chocolate, Charlie.

Charlie: I’ve had none, we’re poor. You know what? Screw all of you.

Vanessa: I actually do have polio.

Charlie: Please, Grandma. I’m sorry. I got to go. [Charlie storms out]

Pete: Alright. Well, race to the movies?

Kate: Whoo! [Kate gets out of the bed too]

Pete: [singing] a bit of good luck for me

[Pete runs out with Kate and Mikey]

Vanessa: I really do have polio.

Meet Cute

Clair… Kristen Stewart

Steve… Pete Davidson

Coffee maker… Mikey Day

Hair Dresser… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with a coffee pouring out of coffee machine]

Male voice: Soy coffee with latte milk.

[two people try to get the cup]

Clair: Oops, sorry.

Steve: Oh, that’s okay. That’s crazy. Nobody ever gets my order.

Clair: Order up! [Clair picks up the cup and gives it to Steve]

Steve: We’re gonna need a bigger cup! [Clair and Steve laughing] Oh! I’m Steve.

Clair: I’m Clair. Hi, Steve.

Steve: Um, I never do this but… I was just wondering if maybe you wanted to get dinner sometime?

Clair: Um, yeah. Yeah, I would. I would love that.

Steve: Oh, great.

Clair: Okay, well, I’ll see you tonight?

Steve: Yeah. I can’t wait.

Clair: Bye, Steve.

Steve: Bye, Clair.

Male voice: Another soy coffee with latte milk.

[Steve gets the cup, then suddenly turns around. Clair is getting in the car.]

Steve: But wait! Where are we going? And what time? And what’s your last name? And what’s your phone number? What’s everything? Clair!

[Cut to Clair in her car]

Clair: [talking on phone] Mom, this is a little nuts, but I think I just met someone.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: That girl that was just here. Do you know her last name?

Coffee maker: No, dude. Sorry.

Steve: Maybe there’s like, the last name on a receipt that you could check?

Coffee maker: Dude, I’m not just gonna like, show you someone’s receipt.

Steve: Have you ever been in a situation where you meet your soulmate, you just need to help a friend?

Coffee maker: No.

[Cut to Clair walking in the street looking very happy]

[Cut to Steve searching for Clair in Facebook]

Steve: 3 million results?

[Cut to Clair in a hair salon]

Hair dresser: I have never seen you this happy. You are gonna look amazing. You’re gonna go out there and be like, “Say what?” And he’s gonna be like, “Get on it!”

[Cut to Steve calling everyone named Clair out of phonebook]

Steve: Have you seen somebody named Clair? Hi, is this Clair? That’s like a sunshine in her eyes. Clair? Well, you’re crazy!

[Cut to Clair showing her outfit to her friends.]

[First dress]

Friends: Argh!

[Second dress]

Friends: No!

[Third dress]

Friends: [happily screaming] Ahhh! Yay!

[Cut to Steve walking around asking people about Clair]

Steve: She’s like this tall and she doesn’t tell you like, important stuff. Clair?

[Cut to Clair taking a seat at a restaurant]

Clair: [to waiter] He’ll be here soon.

[Cut to Steve asking the coffee maker]

Steve: So, she could be at the wine bar on the second avenue, the wine bar on third avenue, any of the subway stations–

Coffee Maker: Dude, it’s Manhattan with two Ts, not two Ds.

Steve: It’s not Manhaddan?

Coffee Maker: No, dude.

[Cut to Clair waiting for Steve alone]

[Cut to Steve shouting Clair’s name in the streets]

Steve: Clair! Clair! Clair!

[Cut to Clair. The waiter brings in the check.]

Clair: Thanks. This was– This was fun.

[Cut to Steve shouting Clair’s name in the streets]

Steve: Clair! Clair! Clair!

[Cut to Clair back in her house]

[Cut to Steve yelling Clair’s name for the last time on his knees.]

Steve: Clair!

[Cut to Clair sitting in her house. She hears Steve shouting her name. She opens the window and looks down at the street.]

Clair: Steve!

Steve: Clair? Oh my god, I’ve been looking for you all night!

Clair: Oh, really? Well, you found me. I don’t normally do this but you want to come up?

Steve: Of course. I would love that.

Clair: I’ll see you in a sec, then.

Steve: See you up there.

[Clair gets in and closes the window]

Clair! I don’t know what apartment you’re in! Clair!

Sean Spicer Press Conference (Melissa McCarthy)

Sean Spicer… Melissa McCarthy

Glen Flush… Bobby Moynihan

Kristen Stewart

Cecily Strong

Vanessa Bayer

Kyle Mooney

Betsy DeVos… Kate McKinnon

Alex Moffat

Mikey Day

[Starts with C-SPAN show schedule]

Male voice: Next on C-SPAN, the daily White House press briefing with press secretary Sean Spicer.

[Cut to the White House podium. Sean Spicer walks in.]

[cheers and applause]

Sean Spicer: Good afternoon. [yelling] Settle down! Settle down! Settle down! Before we begin, I know that myself and the press have gotten off to a rocky start. [cheers and applause] Alright! Alright! alright! alright! In a sense, when I say rocky start, I mean it in the sense of ‘Rocky’ the movie because I came out here to punch you in the face. And also, I don’t talk so good. So, I’d like to begin today by apologizing on behalf of you, to me for how you have treated me in the last two weeks. And that apology is not accepted. Coz I’m not here to be your buddy. I’m here to swallow gum, and I’m here to take names.

[Sean Spicer takes a pack of gums out and pours it all in his mouth and starts chewing]

[speaking with gums in his mouth] Okay, now let me wave something shiny in front of you monkeys. [Sean Spicer pulls the gum out of his mouth and sticks it on the podium] I’ll get back to you. As you know, President Trump announced his supreme court pick on the national TV today. When he entered the room, the crows greeted him with a standing ovation which lasted a full 15 minutes. And you can check the tape on that. Everyone was smiling. Everyone was happy. The men all had erections and every single one of women was ovulating left and right. And no one, no one was sad. Those are the facts forever and there’s something else. We got something X, three, four, capital T, capital P, eight, four. Hang on, wait a minute, that’s my email password. Forget that. Nobody write that. Stop writing that down!

Now, president’s schedule for today, at 3:45 the president will host an encore screening of ‘Finding Dory’. Okay? The story of a forgetful fish, okay? Everybody likes that. Then at 6 PM he’s going to abolish the national park system. But ‘Dory’, good stuff. So, if nobody has any questions.. [Sean Spicer prepares to leave]

[Cut to the media raising their hands for questions]

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Okay, we’ll do a couple of questions. Go, Glen Flush, New York Times. Boo, go ahead.

[Cut to Glen Flush]

Glen Flush: Yeah, I wanted to ask about the travel ban on Muslims?

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: It’s not a ban.

Glen Flush: I’m sorry?

Sean Spicer: It’s not a ban. The travel ban is not a ban which makes it not a ban.

[Cut to Glen Flush]

Glen Flush: But you just called it a ban.

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: Because I’m using your words. You said ban. You said ban, now I’m saying ban.

[Cut to Glen Flush]

Glen Flush: The president tweeted and I quote, “If the ban were announced with a one-week notice–”

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: [interrupting] Yeah, exactly. You just said that. He’s quoting you. It’s your words. He’s using your words when you used the words and he uses them back, it’s circular using of the word and that’s from you. Seriously, Glen, are you going to start with me right out of the gate? I mean, what do you want? Me to take my nuts out so you can get a better kick at them?

[Cut to Glen Flush]

Glen Flush: Okay. You had to have known that I would ask that question.

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: Okay, sit down, Glen. Who here– just by show of hands, who hates Glen? Right? [no one is raising hand] Everybody? One, to, three, infinity. Now, let the record that everyone raised their hands and everyone hates Glen. So print that. That’s your story. Next question, go.

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: Yeah, I would like to ask about Steve Bannon’s role on the national security council.

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: Yeah, that’s a dumb question. that’s a stupid question. Sit down, Glen.

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: My name is not Glen.

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: I know your names. I’m just saying “Glen” like in a general Glen. It’s your word. It’s your word. Next, go.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Yeah, I’m also concerned about Steve Bannon. A lot of people are saying he’s the one behind the Muslim ban.

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: Yeah, alright, you guys still aren’t getting it. You need some props? My word’s too big, I got to show you in pictures? [Sean Spicer walks aside. There are two boxes.] Great. Here we go. When it comes to these decisions, the constitution [pulling out a huge paper out of one box] gives our president [pulling out Donald Trump’s picture] lots of power [pulling out an electric plug]. And Steve Bannon is the key [pulling out a huge key] advisor [pulling out a visor cap]. And our president will not [showing a rope knot] be deterred [pulling out fake poop]. In his fight against radical Muslims [pulling out a toy Moose and Lamb (moose-lamb)]. Now, does anybody else have any questions?

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Yeah. Wall Street Journal. Are you okay?

[Sean Spicer lifts the podium and walks forward to hit Vanessa with it]

Sean Spicer: Take it! You take it! You cannot come at me like that. I will put you in the corner with CNN!

[Cut to Kyle inside bars wearing CNN ID card and diapers]

Kyle: [yelling] We’re not fake news!

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: You like that? You like that, dork? You like that, dork?

[Sean Spicer puts the podium back]

Everybody just cool out, alright? Obviously I’ve been getting a lot of questions about Betsy DeVos, okay? Our nominee for secretary of education. So we actually have her here today to field some few simple question, which I’m sure she’s capable of doing. Betsy!

[Betsy DeVos walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Betsy DeVos: Hello. Thank you, yeah. Yes. The man?

[Cut to Alex]

Alex: Hi. I don’t think we ever got a clear answer on this. How do you value growth versus proficiency in measuring progress in students?

[Cut to Betsy DeVos]

Betsy DeVos: Okay, well, yes, I don’t know anything about school. But I do think there should be a school. Probably Jesus school. and I do think it should have walls and roof and gun for potential grizzly.

[Sean Spicer walks in and pushes Betsy DeVos out]

Sean Spicer: Thank you. that’s enough for now. Thank you. Um, I’ll accept one last question. I’ll take this loser.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: I’ve got a question about the statement in White House released on Holocaust Remembrance Day. Do you think it was anti-semitic to not even mention the Jewish people in this statement? [Mikey is being water sprayed] What are you dong?

[Cut to Sean Spicer spraying water on Mikey using a water gun toy]

Sean Spicer: This is soapy water and I’m washing that filthy lying mouth out! First of all, how could the statement, a statement be anti-semitic? The guy who write it was super Jewy. Okay? And the fact is a lot of different people suffered in the holocaust, it wasn’t just Jews. It was also the Gypsies, the lesbies, and these other guys. That’s your word. Your word. That’s enough for today. Spicy’s got to go, bye-bye right now. Need a big-boy nap. Wake up up exactly one minute before tomorrow’s press conference. [pointing at the camera] And Live From New York, it’s Saturday Night!

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Yeah, that already happened.

[Sean Spicer lifts the podium and walks forward to hit Mikey with it]

[cheers and applause]

[The End]

Weekend Update Jake Rocheck from Friend Zone

Michael Che

Jake Rocheck… Mikey Day

Shannon… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: A recent survey found that a majority of men with a close female friend secretly hope their relationship will turn sexual. Here with more on that shocking statistic is Jake Rocheck who joins us live via satellite from the friend zone.

[Cut to Jake Rocheck]

Jake Rocheck: Hi. Hi, Michael. Um, I’m currently here deep in the friend zone helping my friend Shannon move into her new apartment. So, I’ve been driving boxes across town all day and carrying awkward furniture upstairs for a pretty girl who is not attracted to me, whatsoever. In fact, just today, Shannon said to me and I quote, “I can’t even picture you having sex,” which I find confusing because I can picture her having sex very easily.

[Cut to split screen of Michael Che and Jake Rocheck]

Michael Che: Ouff! Yeah, well, tell us what’s the hardest part about being in the friend zone.

Jake Rocheck: Um, all of it, but [cut to Jake Rocheck] nights are specially difficult. Often times Shannon will have drama with one of the selfish bad boys she’s attracted to, ask me to come over and we’ll sleep in the same bed so she’s not lonely. She easily falls asleep where as I lay awake all night actively suppressing an erection and painfully holding in gas.

[Cut to split screen of Michael Che and Jake Rocheck]

Michael Che: Oh, man! Jake, how does a guy like you end up in the friend zone?

[Cut to Jake Rocheck]

Jake Rocheck: Um, well, in my case, I found myself in the friend zone with Shannon because when we met I was nice and kind.

Michael Che: Oh! [laughing]

Jake Rocheck: Um, it absolutely killed my chance at a physical relationship. but I ended up with a friendship that honestly, Michael, I wouldn’t trade for anything.

[Cut to split screen of Michael Che and Jake Rocheck]

Michael Che: OH, so what if Shannon had change of heart and wanted to–

Jake Rocheck: [interrupting] To start having sex? I would immediately do that.

Michael Che: Well, have you considered telling Shannon how you feel about her?

Jake Rocheck: Um, to be honest, Michael, [Cut to Jake Rocheck] I haven’t given it much thought, besides the six-page email explaining why we belong together currently saved in my drafts folder. Sometimes when I’m drunk, I’ll read it, add a few lines and hover the cursor over the send button, but never clock send because unfortunately, Michael, I am a little baby bitch boy.

[Shannon walks in]

Shannon: Jakey, don’t hate me, but can you build my IKEA stuff?

Michael Che: Oh, I’d love to. Um, Michael, this is Shannon.

[Cut to split screen of Michael Che, Jake Rocheck and Shannon]

Shannon: Oh! Hey, sorry I interrupted.

Michael Che: [sarcastically] Ah, you’re so rude, Shannon. I can’t believe you did that.

Shannon: [flirting and laughing] Oh my god, shut up. Jake, your friend is a jerk. Um, [looking at the camera] we should hang out. Get my number from Jake.

Michael Che: Oh, oh my god, Shannon, stop telling me what to do!

Shannon: [laughing] Shut up. You are trouble.

Michael Che: Yeah, I know.

[Jake Rocheck is nodding his head feeling awkward]

[Cut to Jake Rocheck]

Jake Rocheck: [yelling] Wow, that was so much fun to be here for. I’m so pumped you guys flirted and made plans in front of me. Just, um, make sure you are always there for her.

[Cut to split screen of Michael Che and Jake Rocheck]

Michael Che: Nah, Jake. That’s your job. From the friend zone, Jake Rocheck, everybody!

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Pizza Town

Carozzi… Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Kenan Thompson

Peppi Ronnie… Aziz Ansari

Jeff… Bobby Moynihan

Steve… Mikey Day

Marynara… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Carozzi hiding in an abandoned Pizza Town]

Carozzi: [talking on the phone] Cops are all over the stash house. So, I’m laying low at the abandoned Pizza Town off route. Look, if you find that snitch, you kill him.

[Two cops walk in pointing a gun at Carozzi]

Beck: Freeze, Carozzi. [to his partner] See if you can find the fuse box and get some light on it.

[Kenan runs to turn lights on]

Carozzi: How did you find me?

Beck: One of you boys ratted you out. Your whole operation’s going down.

Carozzi: Who ratted? Was it Marco?

Beck: Let me worry about that.

Kenan: Found the fuse box.

[the lights turn oh. There’s a robot band on the stage of the restaurant.]

[music playing]

Peppi Ronnie: I’m Peppi Ronnie. [singing] I like that pizza, pizza
I like pizza pie
I want a pizza, pizza
Pizza what? Pizza pie

Let’s all eat pizza, pizza
let’s all eat pizza pie
I am a pizza, pizza
Pizza what? Pizza guy

Beck: Why’d you turn this thing one?

Kenan: I don’t know. It’s just one switch.

Beck: Don’t do anything stupid, Carozzi.

Peppi Ronnie: Say hi to my pizza pals.

[Jeff is playing drums wearing chef uniform]

Jeff: I’m Chef Jeff, and I make-a the pizzas.

[Steve is playing guitar that looks like a pizza]

Steve: I’m Cheesy Steve and I shred the guitar-mesan.

[guitar solo playing]

[Marynara is playing tamborine]

Marynara: And I’m Sauce-some Marynara on the Tamborine.

Peppi Ronnie: We are Peppi-Ronnie and the Pizza Pals, and we’ll be right pizza!

[music stops and the stage lights turn off]

[Carozzi is tryin to pull something out of his jacket]

Beck: Hey! Hey! That’s a bad idea.

Kenan: Yeah, I know, right? They should have Marynara on the keyboards instead of tambourine. Ha-ha. There’s so much synth in that song.

Beck: I’m not talking about the pizza band.

[siren sound]

Sounds like our backup’s here.

Peppi Ronnie: That sound was the birthday siren! [music playing] It’s someone’s birthday!

[singing] I like that pizza, pizza
I like the birthday pie
go happy pizza birthday
birthday girl, birthday guy

Congratulations to–

Recorded voice: Samora.

Peppi Ronnie: Who turnes–

Recorded voice: Nine.

Peppi Ronnie: And is is celebrating with–

Recorded voice: Mom and Gary.

Peppi Ronnie: Cowabunga!

Recorded voice: Lope.

Peppi Ronnie: Here’s a joke just for you. Did you hear about the pizza with no toppings? There was mushroom (much room) for improvement!

Steve: That’s cheesy!

[music stops and the stage lights turn off]

Kenan: You get it? Ha-ha. Mushroom for improvement. Yeah, that’s clever.

Carozzi: Hey, i’m not going back to jail.

Beck: Shut up. I don’t want to shoot you, Carozzi. Now I’m coming over and taking you in.
[music playing and the stage lights turn on]

Peppi Ronnie: [singing] Don’t you want some pizza
don’t you want some pizza

[music stops]

Oh! Who ordered anchovies?

[fog horn]

PIzza!

[music stops and the stage lights turn off]

Kenan: That’s good. Nobody likes anchovies.

Beck: Stop watching the pizza band.

[Beck walks towards Carozzi to handcuff him]

Carozzi: I want a lawyer, okay?

Beck: Well, it’s not gonna help you, Corozzi. Come on, let’s take him in.

Kenan: Yeah, you go ahead. I’m gonna stay behind and wait for forensics.

[The stage lights turn on]

Peppi Ronnie: Hey, who here likes to dance?

[Kenan looks around]

Kenan: I do.

Peppi Ronnie: Then let’s crust a move!

[music playing]

[Kenan starts dancing]

[singing] I like that pizza, pizza
I like pizza pie
I want a pizza, pizza
Pizza what? Pizza pie