Tag: Mikey Day

Posters

Shawn… Pete Davidson

Snowboarder… Mikey Day

Kate McKinnon

Krissy Knox… Emma Stone

Walton P… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Shawn studying in his room.]

Shawn: Argh! I don’t know what X equals. I hate math. I should just drop out of school. [yawning] Drop out of school. Drop out of school.

[Shawn sleeps and starts dreaming.]

[The poster of a snowboarder behind him comes to life]

Snowboarder: Don’t give up, Shawn.

Shawn: Okay. My poster is talking to me. So I must be dreaming.

Snowboarder: Yeah. And you’re also dreaming if you think that you’re never gonna use math. I use it everyday when I’m snowboarding. Velocity, momentum, angle of the pipe. You think I can land a toe side triple mix sticky without math? No way, man! I calculate it every time.

[Cut to another poster of Kate holding a gun]

Kate: What’s up math? Do you think you could play Battle Horizon 2 on your Xbox?

Shawn: Um, there’s not math in that game.

Kate: What do you think video games are made of? I’m just code. Ones and zeros. I’m made of math.

Shawn: Whoa, I never thought of it like that.

[Cut to another poster of Krissy Knox holding a hotdog.]

Krissy Knox: [squeaky voice] Ooh, yeah. Do you like my fat shiny hot dog?

Shawn: Um, sure. Do you use math, Krissy Knox?

[Cut to another poster of Walton P]

Walton P: Man! Everybody uses maths!

Shawn: Walton P, you’re a stand up comic. I mean, don’t even try to tell me you use math.

Walton P: Yo! A joke is all timing and numbers, baby. So, without math, I could never do jokes like this. Uh, uh, you ever get a text from your side piece then make sure you say, “Uh! Say huh to the what now?”

Shawn: Ha-ha-ha. That gets me every time.

Walton P: But dropping out of school is no joke. You need your education wherever life takes you. Whether it’s to the stage…

Snowboarder: The slopes…

Kate: The Battlefield.

Krissy Knox: Or the big, nasty hotdog.

Shawn: I get it guys, but I can’t do math. I’m stupid.

Snowboarder: Hey, bro. Don’t say that.

Kate: Only stupid thing here is that attitude.

Walton P: You just gotta apply yourself.

Krissy Knox: Look at my butt.

Walton P: Hey, hey, hey, Krissy, come on, help us out, girl. I mean, we’re trying to get this kid’s head on straight.

Shawn: Yeah. But algebra’s crazy, though. Solve for x? X is a freaking letter.

Kate: It’s a variable. X is what you don’t know.

Krissy Knox: Yeah. So if I eat this entire, fat, gross hotdog, and mustard plops all over my shirt, what is X equal?

Shawn: What? That’s not a math problem.

Krissy Knox: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Yeah.

Shawn: Sorry guys, I think I’m just dumb.

Snowboarder: Hey, stop that. Come here, dude. Listen to me, you are not dumb. You can do math. Alright, watch. Alright, picture that you have five…

Krissy Knox: Huge, stupid hotdogs?

Snowboarder: Sure. Give hotdogs.

Krissy Knox: Hell, yeah.

Kate: Oh my god, this bitch.

Snowboarder: Now, picture that I had six more hotdogs than you.

Krissy Knox: Now, picture me eating every single one of those fifty, gross, stinky hotdogs.

Walton P: Hey. No more hotdogs stuff. I mean, if you gonna eat the hotdog then eat it but just stop talking about it.

Krissy Knox: Hell, yeah!

[Kate goes to Krissy Knox’s poster, snatched the hotdog from her hand and eats it.]

Kate: I ate it! I ate the fat hotdog. Hot dog’s over.

[Kate leaves. Krissy Knox pulls out another hotdog.]

Krissy Knox: Oh, yeah!

Shawn: Wait, I think I get it. It’s 11. X equals 11 hotdogs.

Snowboarder: Hey, Shawn, guess what trick you just landed. Algebra, bro!

[alarm ringing]

Shawn: Yeah. Oh, that’s my alarm. Okay, I’m dreaming. Well, thanks for your help everyone.

Walton P: Hey, when you wake up, take that poster down. Just go on the internet for that stuff man. It’s way better.

Shawn: Nah. I think I’ll keep her up. She helped me learn math.

Krissy Knox: Hell yeah, I did.

[Cut to Shawn’s test paper. He has drawn hotdogs all over her answer paper. Teacher has marked “F, see me.”

Thanksgiving Parade

Nate… Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Vanessa Bayer

Cecily Strong

Woody balloon… Mikey Day

Madeline balloon… Kristen Wiig

Clown balloon… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with short video clip of Macy’s parade]

[Cut to Nate with his friends at an apartment. There are two kids playing.]

Nate: So, does this beat thanksgiving in Pennsylvania or what?

Kyle: You know, it’s really nice. Thanks again for having us.

Nate: Hey, when my baby brother says Rugrats want to come to Unkie Nate’s apartment and see the parade balloons up close, I answered with a resounding, “No, prob.” But seriously, how about this pad, huh? Damn! Would you kill for this place or what?

Vanessa: It’s really something, Nate. I don’t even want to know how much you paid for this place.

Nate: And… I don’t wanna tell you. [laughing] But it’s $28,500 a month.

[Cecily walks in]

Cecily: Alright, that’s enough, Nate!

Nate: Oh, look who finally decided to join the living? Sleep well, Tess?

Cecily: You know what? It’s just too early for like, the full ‘Nate’ right now. Okay? [to the kids] Hey you guys, did I miss the balloons?

Vanessa: Oh, no. I think they’re starting now.

Kyle: [to the kids] Ooh, guys, hey look. It’s Woody from Toy Story.

[Woody balloon flies outside the apartment.]

Vanessa: Oh, my gosh. Look, you guys. Oh, wow, he’s right there. Say hi to Woody, kids. Oh, my god. Hey, this is so incredible.

Nate: I know, right? It’s even got steam shower.

Cecily: She’s not talking about the apartment, Nate.

Nate: She should be, it’s sick.

Vanessa: Oh, look! I think another balloon is coming.

Kyle: Oh, yes. it’s Madeline.

[Madeline balloon flies outside the apartment.]

Vanessa: Oh my gosh! She’s my favorite. You guys, I used to love those books.

[the balloon turns toward them]

Kyle: Hi! Guys! Hi, Madeline.

Vanessa: Hi. Um, is she getting closer?

Kyle: Yeah, um, you know what? It’s probably just the wind.

Vanessa: Um, does that normally happen, Nate?

Nate: I don’t know. I usually go to the Islands for thanksgivings, but um… [gets scared of the balloon as it’s too close] Whow!

Kyle: It’s okay, kids. It’s just a little windy and that makes it hard for the people on the ground to control the balloons.

[Madeline balloon passes. A clown ballon comes in.]

Nate: Oh my god! Oh, no!

Vanessa: Ah! It’s horrifying.

Kyle: It’s just one of those vintage balloon. Vintage balloons, they’re bringing back this year, guys.

Vanessa: I don’t know if I like seeing the balloons so close.

[Woody balloon and Madeline balloon also comes in]

Kyle: Wait, it seem to be sort of… they’re bunching up together. What’s happening?

Nate: Yeah. Yeah. I see the hold up. Kristen Chenoweth is singing some sort of song down there.

Vanessa: Oh, okay, let’s go by uncle Nate. Maybe you can see better. Okay? Let’s go right over here.

[Vanessa pulls their kids to another corner. As they move, the balloons turn their heads wherever they’re moving.]

Are they following us?

Cecily: Alright, um, yap. Yap, they’re definitely following us.

Vanessa: Honey, the kids are scared. Can you–

Kyle: Yes. Yes. Of course. I know they’re kind of scary up close, okay? But there is nothing to be afraid of.

Vanessa: Why don’t these balloons just leave.

[The other balloons are gone. But now, there’s a girl in Madeline balloons hand.]

Is that stupid song done yet?

Nate: Oh, man! Somebody got tangled up in Madeline’s cables.

[The girl is screaming]

Cecily: Oh my god! Is that Kristen Chenoweth?

Vanessa: Oh, that poor woman. She is so small.

Kyle: Kids, kids, Kristen Chenoweth is going to be fine. Okay?

[Kristen Chenoweth falls]

Okay, you know. Um, let’s go. Let’s go to bedroom and watch TV. Come on. Let’s go. Let’s go.

Nate: So much for defying gravity.

Cecily: Nate!

[Woody balloon and clown balloon are tangled together like they’re having sex.]

Nate: What the hell is happening.

[The End]

Surprise Lady- Thanksgiving

Cecily Strong

Bobby Moynihan

Mikey Day

Aidy Bryant

Sue… Kristen Wiig

Leslie Jones

Mom… Vanessa Bayer

Paul… Pete Davidson

Alex Moffat

[Starts with a group of adults gathered for thanksgiving.]

Cecily: Okay, you guys, can I haver your attention? First, just so I don’t have to tell you all individually coz I know you’re all gonna ask, yes, everything in this house is from Pier one. Okay? Everything. Second, and this is slightly more important, my brother Paul got special holiday leave from the military and he is going to be here tonight for thanksgiving dinner.

Bobby: That’s amazing.

Mikey: Oh, wow.

Aidy: That’s wonderful.

Cecily: It gets better. We didn’t tell mom. She has no idea. We’re gonna surprise her.

Sue: [looking very excited] Oh!

Aidy: She is going to be shocked.

Bobby: Yeah. I can’t wait to see her face.

Sue: Oh, my god!

Mikey: This was a great idea. What do you need us to dy?

Cecily: Well, we have a whole thing planned out.

Sue: [excited and squeaky voice] Oh, my god! It’s a surprise? And there’s a plan? She doesn’t know it?

Leslie: Sue, are you alright?

Sue: Yes. [breathing heavy] I just love surprises. So freaking f-ing excited.

Cecily: Okay. So, Paul’s waiting right now at our neighbor’s house. As soon as mom is here, I’ll text him to come in and surprise her. Um, Sue?

[Sue is too excited]

Sue: Don’t you see? Just gonna get here? Like, your son is overseas but he’s over there? Behind the door? And she’s surprised?

Bobby: Oh, I have an idea. Should I film it with my phone?

Sue: [loud voice] Yes!

Cecily: Okay. Well, anyway, I thought after mom gets here, we’ll start eating and then Paul–

Sue: Oh, god! What are we eating? Corn? Tell me, is it butter?

Mikey: Sue, Sue, everyone’s excited. But we have to keep it together.

Aidy: Yeah, when mom gets here we can’t act like anything out of the ordinary is happening. Everybody just has to act natural. Can you do that, Sue?

Sue: Natural, yes. Yes. I’ll just look at my hand. I don’t know. My legs are locking up. I’ll walk around.

[Sue stands up. Her legs are stiff. She is trying to walk around.]

Cecily: Well, you know, mom’s gonna be here any minute. How about, you know what? How about when she sees Paul, everyone just yell, “Surprise!”

Sue: My god! I forgot about the yelling.

[Sue falls down and breaks a pot]

Cecily: That pot is from Pier one.

Mikey: And, Sue, you’re ruining the surprise.

Sue: Ah! I’m just so freaking freaked. Oh! Okay, I think I know what’s gonna make me feel better. Can we do a practice surprise? I need to dry run.

Cecily: Okay, fine. I’ll be mom, right. We’re all acting natural right. The doorbell rings. She opens the door. Paul’s there and we all yell…

Sue: [screaming] Surprise! Surprise! Yeah! Oh, god!

Aidy: Sue!

[car sound]

Mikey: Oh, that’s her. That’s her. She’s coming.

Leslie: Okay, everyone be calm. By everyone, I mean Sue.

Bobby: Sue, just sit down, okay? If you feel like you’re gonna say anything, just put this pillow on your mouth.

[Sue immediately puts the pillow in her mouth]

[Cecily opens the door. Mom walks in]

Mom: Hi.

Cecily: Hi.

Mom: Happy thanksgiving, everyone. Am I the last one here?

Cecily: Um-hmm.

[everyone is shaking their heads.]

[Sue now has only small part of the pillow inside her mouth]

Leslie: Did you eat the pillow? Did you eat that whole pillow?

[Sue nods her head yes.]

Cecily: Okay, mom, dinner’s ready. Maybe, we should all sit down before it gets cold. [whispering to everyone else] He’s coming.

Sue: Oh, god! [whispering] He’s coming. Oh, god, here it comes.

Mikey: Shh, don’t!

Sue: Oh god, here it comes. It’s coming. Someone’s coming. No, they’re not. Ding-dong. Who’s there? Yeah, it’s camouflage, oh, god! Army. What? No, Paul. Yes.

Mom: Did she say something about Paul?

Cecily: No.

[doorbell ringing]

Mom: Oh, now who could that be?

[Sue is struggling to close her mouth]

Sue?

Bobby: Sue, you’re ruining it.

Sue: I gotta get out of here.

[Sue runs, grabs the turkey and throws it on the window to breaking it. She runs through the window.]

[Mom opens the door. Paul walks in.]

Paul: Surprise!

Mom: Oh, my goodness. Paul, you’re here.

Paul: Happy thanksgiving, mom. Surprise! And I have more news. I brought my boyfriend home.

[Alex walks in]

Alex: Hi.

[Sue runs in again with the turkey on her head]

Sue: [yelling] I love same sex relationships.

[Sue holds Aidy’s hand and they both run out]

Donald Trump Prepares Cold Open

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

General Dunlap… Mikey Day

Peter Chucksell… Bobby Moynihan

Mitt Romney… Jason Sudeikis

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

[Starts with a video clip of Trump National Golf Club’s board]

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway and Donald Trump in the office]

Kellyanne Conway: Mr. Trump. Are you ready for you first meeting?

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, what are people saying about my cabinet appointments? Do they love them?

Kellyanne Conway: They are certainly very passionate about them. I just saw one very nice tweet saying that they were great for nation and the future of our children.

Donald Trump: Tremendous. Who sent that?

Kellyanne Conway: David Duke.

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, can I say something? I just want to thank you for all you’ve done. I wouldn’t be president without you.

Kellyanne Conway: I think about that everyday. Also, the chairman of the Join Chiefs of Staff is here. You remember General Dunlap?

[General Dunlap enters]

General Dunlap: Here he is.

Donald Trump: Thanks for coming, General.

General Dunlap: My pleasure, sir. Thought we could take a moment to discuss strategy before your upcoming term.

Donald Trump: Sure.

General Dunlap: We’ve been stuck fighting ISIS in Jabhat Al-Nusra for six years now. When we found out that you had a secret plan, it really energized us.

Donald Trump: That’s right. A plan. Very secret.

General Dunlap: Well, whatever it is, we’re really looking forward to hearing it come January. It’s only seven weeks away, so let’s save some lives together, sir.

Donald Trump: Tremendous. Love it. Thank you.

[General Dunlap walks out]

Okay, right. Here we go. Big plan. Big plan. [Donald Trump opens his laptop] Google, what is ISIS? Oh, my! 59 million results. [Donald Trump takes his phone] Siri, how do I kill ISIS? Oh! This is a Blackberry. [breathing heavy] Big beautiful boobs and buildings. Big beautiful boobs and buildings. Big beautiful boobs and buildings. [takes long breath]

Kellyanne Conway: Um, Mr. Trump.

Donald Trump: Yes, what do you need, Kellyanne?

Kellyanne Conway: A time machine. But I also came to tell you that you’ve got a special visitor. This is Peter Chucksell. [Peter Chucksell enters] He led our campaign in West Virginia.

Peter Chucksell: Mr. Trump. It is an honor, sir.

Donald Trump: Nice to meet you, Peter. Where are you from?

Peter Chucksell: Virginia, sir. A little town called Grundy. That’s cold country, sir. I’ve been out of work two years now. Rough times. Then you said you were going to bring every single job back to our town!

Donald Trump: Every single one?

Peter Chucksell: Yes, sir! Hell! If you can build a wall that’s 2,000 miles long on the Mexican border, I’m sure you can help us.

Donald Trump: How long is that wall?

Peter Chucksell: 2,000 miles.

Donald Trump: 2,000 American miles?

Peter Chucksell: [laughing] I cannot wait to see the look on those Mexicans’ faces when you make them pay for that wall. They say it’s gonna cost $25 billion.

Donald Trump: Fantastic Peter! Thank you very much.

Peter Chucksell: Okay.

[Peter Chucksell walks out]

Donald Trump: $25 billion, it can’t be that much. Oh, god. Oh, god. Don’t worry, Donald. it’ll be okay. Hillary is still ahead in the polls.

Kellyanne Conway: Um, Mr. Trump.

[Kellyanne Conway is brushing something away from her shoulder]

Donald Trump: Yes, Kellyanne, what’s the matter? Is there something on your shoulder?

Kellyanne Conway: Um, yes. [showing the around environment] All of this. Also, Mitt Romney is here.

[Mitt Romney walks in]

Mitt Romney: Hello, Mr. president-elect. Thank you for taking the time to meet with me.

Donald Trump: Governot Romney, so good of you to come.

[Donald Trump and Mitt Romney shake their hands for long without sharing words]

Mitt Romney: This isn’t going to work, is it?

Donald Trump: I don’t think so.

Mitt Romney: Great, thanks. Thanks. I’m gonna go to the shop.

[Mitt Romney walks out]

Kellyanne Conway: Mr. Trump. Mike… Pence… is here.

Donald Trump: Great. Perfect.

[Mike Pence walks in]

Mike Pence: Hello, sir.

Donald Trump: Heard you went to see ‘Hamilton,’ how was that?

Mike Pence: It was good. I got a free lecture.

Donald Trump: I heard they ‘booed’ you.

Mike Pence: Absolutely.

Donald Trump: Um, I love you Mike, you’re the reason I’m never going to get impeached.

Mike Pence: We have a few problems. The democrats are already pushing back on our illegal immigration act because they say finding 11 million illegal immigrants is going to be hard.

Donald Trump: Impossible, probably.

Mike Pence: They say it’s going to be even harder to deport them.

Donald Trump: So, maybe, let’s not do it.

Mike Pence: [shocked] Um, don’g do it?

Donald Trump: Yeah. Scrapped.

Mike Pence: Scrapped?

Donald Trump: Scrapped. Scrapped.

Mike Pence: Okay, you know what? Maybe we will just talk about that later. Let’s move on to Obamacare. As you know, 20 million people use it. And it sounds crazy, but a lot of them like it.

Donald Trump: Keep it. Let’s just keep it.

Mike Pence: I’m sorry, keep it?

Donald Trump: Yeah, keep it. All of it. No change.

Mike Pence: Okay, hey, let’s just hold that for later, alright? Also, they’re gonna make it hard for us to hire a special prosecutor put Hillary in jail.

Donald Trump: Then don’t do it.

Mike Pence: Don’t do it?

Donald Trump: Scrap it. She didn’t do anything. Scrapped.

Mike Pence: Sir, being president is not going to be easy. But we’ll get through it if we work hard. Together.

Donald Trump: Thank you Mike. Oh, and Mike, you’re going to do everything right?

Mike Pence: Yes, sir.

Donald Trump: Oh, and Mike. One more thing.

Donald Trump and Mike Pence: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Jheri’s Place

Leslie Jones

Dante… Dave Chappelle

Kenan Thompson

Aidy Bryant

Benjamin… Mikey Day

Inspector… Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Alex Moffat

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Leslie briefing the staff]

Leslie: Listen up, Jheri’s Place staff. The health inspector is coming today and I need this place to be clean, understand? Because lately we’ve had a lot of complaints about hair in the food and that cannot happen.

[Dante, Kenan and Aidy have long curly hair and they are spraying on it]

Dante: Oh, don’t even look at me Donnie. You know whose fault that is.

Kenan: Yeah, all signs pointing to Benjamin.

Aidy: What the hell, Benjamin?

[Benjamin is looking at them confused. He has very short and well cut hair.]

Benjamin: What? Me?

Leslie: Let’s not point fingers.

Benjamin: I think it was Dante.

Dante: Excuse you. The only thing I’m doing is standing here looking so god damn beautiful.

Leslie: Oh, the health inspector is here.

[Inspector walks in and he finds a bundle of hair.]

Inspector: [bad accent] Oh, oh. We are not off to a great start.

Leslie: Benjamin!

[Cut to Inside SNL video bumper]

[Cut to Beck reporting the incident]

Beck Bennett: And that about does it for the Jheri’s place sketch here at Studio 8H. In a word, ‘ouch.’ A very thin premise beset by technical slip-ups and performance issues. Let’s now go live to the post-sketch conference and we start with a statement from Dave Chappelle.

[Cut to the post-sketch press conference like that of boxing or MMA fights.]

Dave Chappelle: Um, hello. That was a tough one. But, you know, we’re going to keep out heads down and just look forward, keep moving on to the next sketch.

Alex: So, Dave, what do you think went wrong out there tonight?

Dave Chappelle: Well,  for starters, it was the wigs, man. I think we relied on the wigs too much, you know. You got to realize a wig can’t carry in a tight sketch. I knew that, and I take responsibility for that.

Bobby: Okay, well, speaking of mistakes, Leslie, can you tell us what happened with your late line there?

Leslie Jones: I didn’t mess up.

Bobby: Okay, well, let’s take a look at the replay.

[Cut to the replay where Leslie gets confused with her dialog in the middle]

[Cut back to the conference]

Yeah, it really seems like you were having trouble with the cue cards there.

Leslie Jones: Alright, look. ‘SNL’ knew what they was getting into when they hired me, okay? You know what I’m saying? You’re talking cue cards right now? Really? We’re talking about cards? That’s not the sketch. You talking about cards? Man! Next question.

Alex: Kyle, you took a big swing with the accent right there. Tell me, what was going through your head?

Kyle Mooney: Um, I guess I just didn’t have it today.

Alex: Well, do you think you will find it for the remainder of the show?

Kyle Mooney: [bad accent] I don’t know, you– Nope! I don’t think so.

Bobby: Aidy, you were quoted earlier in the week as saying this sketch was a heater and was going to break the internet. Do you think either of those things came to pass?

Aidy Bryant: [staring at Bobby] Next question.

Alex: Dave, you’re a comedy legend, why this sketch?

Dave Chappelle:  Man, the wig was funny, alright? I put it on, I really thought I was going to be the next David S. Pumpkins. Clearly I was wrong.

Mikey Day: Any questions for me? Mikey Day?

Bobby: No. Kenan, I have to ask, with all your experience on the show, could you have done anything to save this?

Kenan Thompson: Yo, I ain’t got time for this. I been on this show for 62 years. And you going to dwell on this? Come on, man! I got to go get ready for my Puerto Rican Peter Pan sketch. Yeah, yeah. You laughing New York, y’all can kiss my ass.

[All the cast members leave]

Male voice: We’ll be back with more SNL.

[The End]

Office Hours

Mr. Buckley… Benedict Cumberbatch

Chad… Pete Davidson

Mikey Day

[Starts with Mr. Buckley and Chad talking in the school office]

Mr. Buckley: You know, that’s alright. Um, I do think that is what they kind of intended. For instance, people who speak exist. You and I are speaking, therefore you and I…

Chad: Exist?

Mr. Buckley: Congratulations. You just used your first Cartesian Logic.

Chad: Okay.

Mr. Buckley: You know, I do hope you continue to drop by, Chad. I really quite enjoy our visits.

Chad: Okay.

[Mr. Buckley and Chad shake their hands.]

[Mr. Buckley leans forward to kiss Chad]

Chad: No thanks.

Mr. Buckley: Oh, I’m so sorry. Um, that was unbelievably inappropriate behavior Chad. I apologize. I just– I- I- I misread the moment.

Chad: Okay.

Mr. Buckley: I mistook your frequent visits here to mean something more.

Chad: Oh, my bad.

Mr. Buckley: No, it’s not your fault at all. Truth be told, I’m not being myself up late. [Stands and walks looking away] And this weekend, I’m getting married to a beautiful young lady.

Chad: Oh, congrats.

Mr. Buckley: Yet, I feel nothing, Chad. Nothing!

Chad: Okay.

Mr. Buckley: Oh, but that doesn’t matter because it’s all part of daddy’s master plan. You know, marry the rich girl from new port, become a professor and achieve 10 year by 40. God forbid! The great Lenard Buckley’s son should feel the love of another man!

[Mr. Buckley throws a globe away]

Chad: Another globe.

Mr. Buckley: I was drawn to you Chad because truth be told, I envy you. You’re a man who lives his life free from doubt and worry. I wanna be you Chad.

Chad: Okay.

Mr. Buckley: Oh, my word. This is so pathetic. Look at me. I’m a 28 year old professor’s assistant pouring my heart out to a sophomore student. Am I boring you?

Chad: Kind of.

Mr. Buckley: [looking at the ceiling] Argh! You can of course leave at any time you wish and spare yourself my ramblings. Though, I have to admit having an ear to bend makes a welcome–[door closing sound]

[Mr. Buckley looks around. Chad isn’t there.]

Chad?

[Mr. Buckley runs out of his office]

Chad? Chad?

[Chad is skating away. He turns around.]

Chad: Wad up?

Mr. Buckley: Would you mind just getting back here for a moment? There’s something else I wanted to say to you.

Chad: Oh, okay.

[Chad skates towards Mr. Buckley’s office but he passes the door]

Mr. Buckley: Chad, you passed it.

Chad: Oh, my bad.

[Cut to Mr. Buckley and Chad getting in Mr. Buckley’s office]

Mr. Buckley: Chad, I hopefully can forget about my brief lack of self control today.

Chad: Okay.

Mr. Buckley: I truly hope that my actions haven’t tainted our friendship.

Chad: Ha-ha. Taint.

Mr. Buckley: And lastly Chad, I want to thank you because today you taught me. For a brief moment, I wasn’t spectator to my own life. I was living it.

Chad: [farts] Safety.

Mr. Buckley: You’re right, Chad. I should laugh more. Anyway, I’d appreciate if you kept what happened between us today a secret.

Chad: Okay.

[Mikey walks in]

Mikey: Hey, Chad! What the hell? What’s taking so long?

Chad: Oh, I’m sorry. Mr. Buckley tried to kiss me.

Mikey: Okay! Are you hungry?

Chad: Uh-huh.

[Chad and Mikey leave]

Mr. Buckley: You’re so right, Chad. I shouldn’t keep my secrets in the dark. Thank you Chad.

[looking at Chad and Mikey skating on the streets. Chad falls over the garbage.]

Mikey: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Mr. Buckley: Thank you.

Chad: Okay!

Koohl Toilet by Kohler

Leader… Mikey Day

Benedict Cumburbatch

[Starts with people walking in line like in jail]

Leader: My fellow conformists. [Cut to everyone sitting on the toilet bowls and Leader speaking on a big screen] There is only one approved way to sit on the toilet. It has been designed to make you look stupid and feel foolish. It is against regulation to look cool or feel confident on the toilet. This is the way it has always been and must always be.

[Cut to Benedict walking in wearing a black suit and sunglasses]

[Benedict pulls out a hammer. He is standing in front of a box.]

Benedict: No!

[everyone looks at Benedict]

Leader: What is the meaning of this? Go sit on your designated toilet and feel shamed.

[Benedict swings the hammer and hits the box open. There’s a black nice looking toilet bowl.

That toilet is different! What is that?

Benedict: the future!

[Money For Nothing by Dire Straits starts playing.]

[Benedict opens his pants and sits on the toilet bowl facing the opposite direction.

Leader: Impossible! No citizen can look cool while sitting on the toilet! This changes everything! [screaming] No!

[Leader is disconnected from the big screen]

Female voice: Introducing the Koohl Toilet by Kohler. A sweet reverse bowl toilet that you sit on the cool way. Backwards with your arms casually draped over the top. The craftsmanship you expect from Kohler coupled with revolutionary design that brings confidence into the bathroom.

[Benedict stands, wears his pants back on, flushes the toilet and lights a match. The light from his match stick reflects on a glass and lightens everyone in the room.]

Vanessa: Nothing will ever be the same.

Female voice: The Koohl Toilet by Kohler. Coming spring Benedict0Leader7. Already available in Japan.

Bachelorette Party

Vanessa Bayer

Kate McKinnon

Melissa Villaseñor

Grammy… Aidy Bryant

Heather… Cecily Strong

Brad… Mikey Day

Roy… Benedict Cumberbatch

[Starts with three ladies planning a surprise party]

Vanessa: Okay, Heather just texted, she and Grammy are outside. Everyone hide.

Kate: Okay. Okay.

[Everyone hides]

[Cut to Grammy and Heather getting in.]

Grammy: Oh, I’m just saying it was so cold in the restaurant that I ruined my dinner.

Heather: Okay, okay. Grammy, we are all so happy that you’re getting remarried at 83.

Grammy: Okay, Heather, why are you doing a speech at me in the dark?

Heather: I know you didn’t want a bachelorette party, so we had to make it a…

[ladies who were hiding come out]

All: Surprise!

[Grammy is shocked]

Kate: Ha-ha! Look at her. She had no idea. Ha-ha-ha.

[Grammy is still shocked]

Melissa: Hurry, hurry. Get her in the chair.

All: [hooting] In the chair! In the chair!

[Grammy slowly takes Heather to the chair. But Heather dies of shock but nobody notices it.]

Melissa: Alright, that’s better. Here we go. [putting a party-glasses and props on her]

Vanessa: Ha-ha-ha. Gentlemen! She is ready.

[Two young men dressed as construction workers walk in with a boombox.]

Brad: Hey, we’re from the construction company.

Roy: We have a delivery of some heavy wood.

Kate: Ha-ha! [pointing at Grammy] Ester is speechless. We finally found a way to shut her up.

Roy: Hey Brad, crank a tune.

Brad: Oh, yeah.

[Brad turns on a rock song and they start stripping for Grammy]

Heather: Alright!

[Brad and Roy throw their shirts on Grammy’s face. It’s stuck there.]

No, no, no. No hiding, Grammy. [Heather pulls the shirts off her face]

Brad: Hey! Should we get Grammy a fun sandwich, Roy?

Roy: Let’s do it.

[Heather and Melissa are so excited]

[Brad and Roy push Grammy’s head back and forth on their crotches.]

[Ladies are cheering]

Kate: Oh, biscuits! This is wild!

Vanessa: I know. Grammy, are you loving it?

[The gentlemen are twerking on Grammy’s face]

Brad: I think she worked up quite an apetite. Roy?

Roy: Yeah! Well, I’m hungry?

Brad: Let’s get her some dessert.

[Brad sprays creme on his belly and rubs it on Grammy’s face]

Yeah! Yeah!

[Roy starts to spray creme on Grammy’s mouth]

Roy: Eat em all.

Brad: You want cherry on that bad boy?

Roy: Do it! You know I like cherry.

[Brad puts a cherry on top of creme that’s on Grammy’s mouth]

Brad: Woo. Yeah, get it.

[Roy eats the cherry off of Grammy’s mouth]

Roy: Oh, my favorite flavor, her mouth.

Brad: Yeah!

Melissa: Hey boys, give us a taste.

Heather: Yeah. Yeah. Wooo!

[Brad and Roy start twerking on other ladies]

Kate: Oh my goodness! Ester! Ester! I’m still in your man over here. Look out.

Heather: Oh my god, look, Grammy’s so embarrassed that she’s trying to hide.

[Grammy us just slipping down from the chair. She falls on the floor. She is lying facing down.]

Kate: Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness! I have never seen anything like this.

[Brad and Roy rolls Grammy’s body over]

Heather: Grammy, get up. Just have fun.

Brad: Yes, stop hiding from us. We actually like her on the floor.

Roy: Yeah. She can be like, the spar for our full body workout.

Brad: Yeah.

[Brad and Roy do the workout on Grammy]

[Melissa and Heather are very excited]

Vanessa: Grammy, when Herman hears about this, you’re dead.

[Brad pulls Grammy up]

Brad: Come here, baby. Ooh! Up!

Kate: You know, I really love what your generation has done with this bachelorette party.

Brad: Oh my god! Ma’am? Ma’am?

Vanessa: What’s wrong?

Roy: Um, your grammy is like, our onethousandth customer.

Brad: Which means, she gets a free dance from the world series champion, Chicago Cubs.

[Three more gentlemen enter the room]

[cheers and applause]

Heather: Oh, my god! Those are the real Chicago Cubs!

Gentleman: What’s up, girls? Who wants to hear the Grammy slam?

Ross: Don’t worry Grandma, Grandpa Ross is gonna take good care of you.

Gentleman: It’s your lucky night, we’re about to pull a triple header.

Brad: Ooh! You heard the Cubs. Let’s play ball.

[music playing]

[All the gentlemen are stripping for Grammy]

Short Film

Host… Alex Moffat

Emily Blunt

Vanessa Bayer

Andrew… Kyle Mooney

Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Mikey Day

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Host speaking on the stage]

Host: Hello. Welcome to the 16th Annual AnnArbor Short Film Festival. Um, so tonight we’ve got a really special one for you. I think you’re gonna love it. Also, stick around after the screening for a Q&A with the cast and crew. And now, without any further due, I present Qua.

[The movie starts]

[Emily is looking herself at the mirror. She looks sad.]

[Cut to Emily running from something. She falls and looks back. It turns out she is running away from herself.]

Emily: [scared] It’s me.

[Cut to Host clapping on the stage]

Host: Now, please help me welcome the cast and crew of Qua.

[Cut to the audience. All of them except one stands up and walk to the stage.]

Come on up, guys. Yeah, awesome. Very cool. Excellent. Yeah, congrats guys. Cool. Thank you all for being here. Alright. And um, I gotta say, truly stunning work. Okay, let’s just jump right in and get some audience questions.

[Cut to Vanessa sitting alone at the audience. There is a mic.]

Vanessa: Oh. I guess I’ll go. Um, good job everybody. Um, what was that all about?

[Cut to the stage. Andrew takes the mic.]

Andrew: Um, for me I guess it’s sort of about just the holocaust.

[Cecily takes the mic]

Cecily: Oh, yeah, sorry. Um, and just a piggy back off of what Andrew said, it’s also about like, “Yeah, why do we wear make up?”

[Beck takes the mic]

Beck: Yeah, right. But at the end of the day, it’s also comedy.

Host: Okay, great. Um, let’s take another question.

[Cut to Vanessa sitting alone at the audience.]

Vanessa: Okay. Um, I’ll go again. Um, for the actress I guess, did you get to do any improv on set?

[Cut to the stage]

Emily: Oh. [she takes the mic] Yeah, that was a great question. There wasn’t a ton of improv coz you know, it was such a great script. But I did get to improv a few little things like, you know, the part where I said, “It’s me.” You know, that was improvised. And then you know that part where I was running and I fell down, that was also improvised. And then, the part where I was in the bathroom, that was all improv. But other than that, it was really, really scripted.

Host: Okay. Let’s take one more question.

[Cut to Vanessa sitting alone at the audience.]

Vanessa: Dammit. Oh, um, what were some of your influences for this movie?

[Cut to the stage. Mikey gets the mic.]

Mikey: Um, I guess for me, I’d say Richard Linklater and Charlie Kaufman.

Beck: Yeah, for me I definitely say Charlie Kaufman and Richard Linklater. Yeah.

Kate: I guess for me it was sort of the combination of Richard Linklater and also Charlie Kaufman.

Aidy: And for me, it was the British Office.

Host: Okay. So, we have time for 10 to 15 more questions. Yes, miss.

[Cut to Vanessa sitting alone at the audience.]

Vanessa: I guess, can you tell me about the music. And also, you don’t need to pass the mic if that will make this go faster.

Kenan: No, we don’t mind.

Emily: Um, this is actually a really cool story. The music was supposed to be an original song by Alicia Keys.

Host: Oh, that’s cool.

Emily: Yeah, yeah. But then, um, right before we started shooting we realized that none of us had Alicia’s email or anything. So, we couldn’t do that.

Host: Now, I gotta jump in here. Um, obviously there was a lot of symbolism in the movie.

All: Yeah.

Host: Does anyone have any questions about the symbolism? Um, yes you, putting on your coat and purse.

[Cut to Vanessa getting ready to leave]

Vanessa: Oh! Yes, um, can you talk about the number 3s that were all over the woods.

[Cut to the stage]

Kenan: [gets the mic] Thanks a lot. I’m sorry, what 3s?

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: There were huge number 3s all over the woods in that woods scene?

[Cut to the stage. All the members are looking at each other’s faces confused.]

Kenan: I have no idea what you are talking about.

Host: Okay. We’re almost out of time. But real quick, why don’t we go down the line and just say what you’re working on now.

Aidy: Nothing.

Kenan: Nothing for me.

Kate: I’m doing some grocery shopping later today.

Mikey: Um, I’m doing nothing.

Beck: Nothing for me.

Cecily: Um, I’m going camping. Not this weekend but next.

Andrew: Um, I’m also doing nothing.

Emily: Um, I’m in ‘the Girl On the Train’ which is out in threatres right now.

Host: Oh, fun. Cool.

[The End]

Honda Robotics

Bobby Moynihan

Docimo… MIkey Day

Docima… Emily Blunt

Caren… Leslie Jones

Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

[Starts with Bobby speaking to a crowd]

Bobby: Welcome to the Honda Robotics Lounge here at Nexcon. We are offering glimpses into Honda’s advancements in robotic technologies all day. And if everyone could put their phones on airplane mode for this next portion, that would be great. Now, is anybody hungry? Coz I got some good news. We hired a couple of caterers for this event. You might recognize them actually. They are Honda’s second generation mobile smart bots, Docimo and Docima.

[The door behind Bobby opens. Two robots walk out.]

Docimo: Would you like a Mac and cheeseballs?

Bobby: Wow. Yes, I would. Thank you Docimo. And what do you have there Docima?

Docima: Would you like a crunchy mini quesadillas?

Bobby: Oh, yes ma’am!

Docimo: Hey! Those are for the guests.

Bobby: [laughing] Okay, great job you two.

Docima: High-five.

Docimo: Pound it.

Bobby: Okay. Now, would you please serve our guests?

[Docima walks down and towards the guests]

Docima: Do you want a crunchy mini quesadillas?

Bobby: Wow! Look at her go, folks. And what are you still doing up here, Docimo? Get down there with those mac and cheeseballs. I see some people’s mouths watering.

Docimo: Do you want a mac and cheeseball- ball- ball- ball- ball- ball.

Bobby: Oh! Ha-ha-ha. Looks like Docimo is having a little bit of trouble. Let’s get one of our Honda robo wranglers out here to fix him up. Okay, hey Caren.

[The door behind Bobby opens. Caren walks in.]

Caren: Oh, man! I don’t know if this has been said but if anyone’s cellphone is not on wifi, it’s gonna mess with these things. Wifi please.

Bobby: Okay. Caren’s working on Docimo here but we still got Docima out there with mini quesadillas.

[Cut to Docima talking to Kate very near to her ear.]

Docima: Would you like a tasty mini quesadillas?

Kate: I said no.

Docima: Would you like an oowy, gooey, yummy, delicious mini quesadillas?

Kate: I do not.

Docima: would you like a delicious, toasty, cheesy quesadillas.

Kate: I already had one and I didn’t like it.

Docima: Would you like an oowy, gooey, cheesy, delicious mini quesadillas?

Kate: It’s face is so cold.

[Cut to Bobby and Docimo]

Bobby: Okay. And guess who’s ready with those mac and cheeseballs. Make sure you get some of these.

Docimo: Would you like a mac and cheeseballlllll–

[Docimo falls sideways]

[machine breaking sound]

[Cut to Kate and Beck]

Beck: Man, I wanted one of those mac and cheeseballs.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Okay. Caren, why don’t you come on out here again. Okay.

[Caren walks out]

Caren: Man, I am telling I’m not playing. With the phone thing, text message did this to this dude. We got free wifi in here. Please.

Docimo: Would you like toasty mac and cheeseball? Pound it! Pound it!

Caren: Stop moving, dude!

Bobby: Okay. Well, while Caren gives Docimo a hand, does anybody have any questions about the exciting new Hondo robotics projects? Yes, sir.

[Cut to Beck. Docima is still walking with the food tray and is trying to talk through the wall.]

Beck: What sort of practical purpose would your robots have in the everyday world?

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Now, that is an excellent question. Okay. But first sir, would you mind just giving Docima a little spin there please? Thank you.

[Cut to Beck. He spins Docima a little.]

Docima: Would you like a toasty mini quesadillas?

Beck: No.

[Docima follows Beck]

[Cut to Bobby and Caren]

Caren: Sorry everyone, this one’s going back in it’s big plastic suitcase he lives in.

[Docimo runs around]

[Caren holds Docimo by the throat and hits him to the wall. Docimo falls.]

Stay down, dude!

Docimo: Do you want a mac and cheesebal.

Caren: Now for real, I’m going to check everybody’s phone here. [text message beep] Oh, oh, damn. Sorry. That was my phone. I’m sorry. My bad.