Tag: Pete Davidson

Gospel Play Promo

Kenan Thompson

Bill Burr

Chris Redd

Heidi Gardner

Ego Nwodim

Chloe Fineman

Beck Bennett

Pete Davidson

[Starts with short clips of the show]

Male voice: North Carolina come on down to the Raleigh Praise Center to catch the opening weekend of Kim Fitzgerald’s new play, ‘God, don’t let Whitey take the house’. The Cole’s are a good Christian family.

Kenan: Now, y’all kids know you ain’t got nothing that can touch your temptations.

[Kenan starts laughing]

Male voice: Watch as they take not one, not two but all the white devils for this epic three night event. Enjoy all your favorites like Chet Roth as evil white landlord “Merriwether Windbanks”.

Merriwether Windbanks: Now you give me that rented A or you and your family have to be homeless.

Kenan: [yelling] Why?

Male voice: The Coles are gonna beg but Whitey just don’t give a damn.

Kenan: [speaking on the phone] I collect all orders from Jesus.

Male voice: But no worries. God’s got their back and he’s willing. Returning to the stage, we have stunning Charlotte Amory as Mrs. Baker, the guidance counselor.

[Cut to Mrs. Baker and Ego at school.]

Mrs. Baker: You expect me to believe he got these scores with no help?

Ego: He did have help, from Jesus!

Male voice: Introducing Topher Beatty as a devious white mayor ‘Williams Kingsbury’.

[Cut to Williams Kingsbury and Derome at veranda]

Derome: You can’t just come in here and take the house that my daddy built.

Williams Kingsbury: Derome, is it? Son, I’m the mayor of this town and I’m rezoning this property for a haunted house. But there is a way for you to stop the construction.

Derome: What is it? Whatever it is, I know god will help make it happen.

Williams Kingsbury: I want you to sleep with my wife while I watch.

Derome: Now you know I can’t do that. I’m a Christian man.

Williams Kingsbury: Boys! Tear it down.

[Bulldozer sound]

Derome: [crying] Jesus!

Male voice: New comers Tanesha Jenkins and Rebecca Longfellow blaze the staze.

[Cut to Tanesha and Rebecca at an office.]

Rebecca: Why can’t I have the job, Ms. Waterberry? I need it to save my momma’s house.

Tanesha: It’s your butt. It’s too much.

Rebecca: [looking at her own butt] Damn!

Male voice: And you know you don’t want to miss Saturday’s matinee. For Kenan night only, SNL’s Pete Davidson joins the cast as 90’s R&B star John B.

[Cut to Pate Davidson singing to Ego]

Pete: [singing] Don’t listen to what people say

I know I’m white, but I go to black barber shop, I love church, and I got my own business doing yacht work. Will you marry me?

Ego: Yes! Thank you Jesus.

[Williams Kingsbury walks in]

Williams Kingsbury: Not so fast.

[gunshot sound]

Male voice: Don’t be the only person who doesn’t know how it all goes down. “God, don’t let whity take the house.]

Don Pauly

Joey… Pete Davidson

Don Pauly… Bill Burr

Mikey Day

Vinny… Kyle Mooney

Johnny… Alex Moffat

Nicky… Beck Bennett

Glar … Punkie Johnson

[Starts with a group of mean having a meeting at a restaurant]

Joey: Before we get down to business, how about a welcome home after Don Pauly0 years in the joint for Don Pauly? Salute.

All: [raising their glasses] Salute.

Don Pauly: You know, as I look around this room, I see what used to be the most ruthless, powerful crime family in this city.

Joey: Damn right.

Don Pauly: Shut up! I said used to be. Coz that sure is hell ain’t what it is now. What happened to this gang? We used to own this city. I go away Don Pauly0 years, and all of a sudden now there’s friggin Mexicans controlling the neighborhood?

Mikey: Um, okay.

Don Pauly: What? What? Did I say something wrong?

Mikey: No disrespect, Don Pauly, we all get your point. I just think it’s a little weird that you made it so– I don’t know.

Vinny: Racial.

Mikey: Yes. Thank you. One person.

Don Pauly: [looking confused] What do you mean racial? Vinny, the Diablos control all the drugs in the neighborhood, do they not?

Vinny: Yeah, they do. They do.

Don Pauly: Okay. And the last I checked, the Diablos are friggin Mexicans. Are they not?

Mikey: And he’s doubling down. Great!

Joey: Oh, hoof!

Don Pauly: Joey, you got a problem with what I’m saying here? Hah? We’re losing money over here.

Joey: We understand your point, Don Pauly. But with all due respect, your choice of words to some people may seem a little, I don’t know, outdated.

Don Pauly: My choice of words? Is this a joke? Hah? Is there a hidden video around? Is Jamey Kennedy around here somewhere gonna film me?

Vinny: Jamey Kennedy?

Mikey: Who’s Jamey Kennedy?

Don Pauly: Jamey Kennedy, the king of the pranks. He got the TV show, he pranks people.

Joey: Oh, you mean Aston Kutcher.

Johnny: No, Kutcher was Punk’d.

Don Pauly: Just forget it. Just forget it. Am I losing my freaking mind over here? I mean, Nicky the nose, you tell me if I’m going nuts, right? You’d tell me?

Nicky: Hey, Don Pauly, you know I don’t mean no disrespect to you but I just go by Nicky now.

Don Pauly: What? You’ve been Nicky the nose since we were kids.

Mikey: Yeah. We don’t get people nicknames based on their physical appearances anymore. That’s called shaming.

Nicky: It didn’t feel too great sometimes.

Mikey: See, Don Pauly, your words have… I don’t know.

Vinny: Power.

Mikey: Yes, thank you.

Don Pauly: I can’t believe my friggin ears. I mean, are we still gangsters here? We still in the friggin mob over here?

Joey: Of course, we are, Don Pauly. But all that’s changed in the last Don Pauly0 years.

Don Pauly: No kidding. This gang didn’t use to be filled with a bunch of queers.

All: Oh!

Don Pauly: What did I say? What did I say?

Johnny: Easy, Don Pauly. No disrespect, but as someone who identifies a queer, I take a little exception to that last comment of your’s.

Don Pauly: What?

Johnny: So, if you don’t mind, I think I’m gonna take a mental health day and I’m gonna work from home now.

Joey: Of course, Johnny. God bless.

All: Salute.

Don Pauly: Wow, wow, wow. What the hell was that all about?

Joey: Don Pauly, you gotta understand. Johnny is sensitive.

Don Pauly: Sensitive? He’s a freaking murderer.

Mikey: Ay, they’re a friggin murderer.

Don Pauly: Jesus! I mean, what happened to you people, huh?

Glar: Wow, wow, wow. You people? With all due respect, Don Pauly, what do you mean by ‘you people’?

Don Pauly: No, I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant everybody in general. Wait a minute. Who’s the black chic? hah?

Joey: Um, the woman of color you’re referring to is Glar. She’s a capo.

Don Pauly: Of this gang? How the hell did that happen?

Vinny: We got slammed pretty hard on Twitter for our lack of diversity.

Nicky: Yeah. You remember the #MafiaSoWhite?

Don Pauly: Oh, god, you should be friggin kidding me.

Glar: Look, Don Pauly, representation is very important even in crime. Besides, I’m more capable and dangerous than CIS black white male gangster here.

Don Pauly: Oh, really? Okay. Then shoot Vinny.

Vinny: With all due respect, Don Pauly, that’s not how we– [Glar shoots at Vinny] Ah!

Don Pauly: Wow! Get over here. That’s what I’m talking about. Alright. Let me welcome you officially to the club.

[Don Pauly and Glar walk to each other. Don Pauly leans towards Glar.]

Glar: Hey! Did this guy just try to friggin kiss me?

Nicky: Without consent?

Joey: In a pandemic?

All: Oh!

Don Pauly: What did I say? What did I say?

Superspreader Event

Ashley… Heidi Gardner

Dylan Bertran… Mikey Day

Edith Puthie… Ego Nwodim

Irma Gerd… Lauren Holt

Kevin Joseph… Chris Rock

Doctor… Pete Davidson

Mike Rodick… Beck Bennett

Jeffery B. Epstein… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Action 9 News at Five intro]

Male voice: Action 9 News at Five, Eye on Pittsburgh.

[Cut to Ashley in her set]

Ashley: Our top story, a potential super spreading event has occurred at the Pittsburgh federal building. With more on this, we go to Dylan Bertran at the scene. Dylan, it seems like the story is going really viral (intending pun) ?

Dylan: Um, that’s in very poor taste, Ashley, and I apologize on your behalf. Here’s what we know so far. Health officials are attempting to contact anyone who visited the third floor of the federal building today, home to the legal change of name office after an employee tested positive for COVID-19. I’m joined by two women who were on their way up to the third floor to change their names when it was evacuated. [Two women walk in] Tell us your names and what happened.

Edith Puthie: Edith Puthie.

Dylan: I’m sorry.

Edith Puthie: I said Edith Puthie.

Dylan: I’m flattered ma’am, but no thank you.

Edith Puthie: No. Edith Puthie is my name.

Irma Gerd: Irma Gerd.

Dylan: Oh my god, is right.

Irma Gerd: No, Irma Gerd is my name.

Dylan: Oh, I see. I got it now. Miss Puthie, just curious, what were you planning on changing your name to?

Edith Puthie: Hmm, well I was thinking of any name that’s not Edith Puthie.

Ashley: Dylan, I hate to pull you away from miss Puthie just as you’re getting into it, but I’m told that health department has a statement.

[Cut to Kevin Joseph speaking at a podium. A doctor is standing behind him.]

Kevin Joseph: Good afternoon. I’m Dr. Kevin Joseph, Pittsburg’s contract tracing program. We are still trying to locate the following people who were in the name change office today. Burton Ernie, Alma Holzhert, Ben Lauden, Dee Perdadi.

Doctor: Oh, whatever you say, girl! Sorry, I’m sorry.

Kevin Joseph: We’re also looking for Duncan Dixon-Coffey, Finn Gerbangh, Moe Lestin Jr. Now, I’d like to address the rumor about Tess Tichol, a young woman who visited the name change office today that she lost her sense of taste and smell are false. In fact, the Tess Tichol I examiled smelled and tasted great.

Doctor: It did? Good for you, man. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

Kevin Joseph: Thank you.

[Cut back to Dylan]

Dylan: Alright. We will keep our eyes peeled in case Tess Tichol pops out. No word yet on when the office will reopen leaving many who wanted to change their name frustrated like this man, Mr. Mike Rodick.

Mike Rodick: Ah! It’s Rodick. You stress the ‘Ro’. Rodick. Sorry to be annoying, but it makes a huge difference.

Dylan: Not a problem. Not a problem. Mike Rodick was one of a dozen–

Mike Rodick: Yeah, sorry, yeah. But the longer you pause between Mike and Rodick, the better it is for me. Nothing crazy. Just like, “Mike”, a little pause, “Rodick.”

Dylan: Okay. Maybe it’s easier if I just call you by what your name will be?

Mike Rodick: Sure. I’m going with my mom’s maiden name, Litt. L-I-T-T.

Dylan: Okay. I’m here with Mike Litt.

Mike Rodick: Oh, no. That’s bad too. That’s not my name.

Ashley: Sorry, Dylan, the department of health has an update. Hopefully, you can find Mike Litt later and finish what you started there. But now, let’s go to Dr. Joseph.

[Cut to Kevin Joseph. Jeffery B. Epstein is standing behind him.]

Kevin Joseph: I’d like to thank this man who was turned away from the name change office but stuck around to help us contact trace. Mr. Jeffery Epstein.

Jeffery B. Epstein: Mr. Jeffery B. Epstein.

Kevin Joseph: In my book, Jeffery Epstein is a hero.

Jeffery B. Epstein: You forgot that ‘B’ again. The very important ‘B’.

Kevin Joseph: I’m proud to call Jeffery Epstein a friend.

Jeffery B. Epstein: You gonna wish you didn’t say that.

Kevin Joseph: Thank you.

[Cut back to Dylan]

Dylan: Alright. Well, I think we can all applaud what Jeffery Epstein did. Ashley?

Ashley: Dylan, we’ve got a little more time. Any chance of getting back to Mike Litt?

Dylan: You know, he was right under my nose, but I lost him.

Ashley: Well, you stay down there and keep poking around.

Dylan: I will, but no promises. It’s a real mess down here.

Ashley: Oh, I bet. More on this story as it develops. For Action 9 News, I’m Ashley Spitzer-Swallows.

Eleanor’s House

Eleanor… Aidy Bryant

Richard Carson… Kyle Mooney

Coleen… Heidi Gardner

Burger… Pete Davidson

[Start’s with Eleanor’s House intro]

Children singing: Come on over, it’s Eleanor’s house.

[Cut to Eleanor in her home. Her house is very colorful.]

Eleanor: Hi, I’m Eleanor. Welcome back to my house. This is my best friend, Goldie. [pointing at an animated goldfish by her side.]

Goldie: That’s me.

Eleanor: I’m sad today

Goldie: Why?

Eleanor: Because it’s my birthday but I can’t have a party because of this pandemic.

Goldie: You can still have a party. You just have to use your imagination.

Eleanor: Hey, that’s a great idea. An imagination party.

Goldie: Yeah.

Eleanor: Can you help me? Let’s close our eyes and imagine. [doorbell ringing] Oh, that must be our first party guest.]

[There’s a animated purple dot at the door]

Dog: Hello and happy birthday Eleanor.

Eleanor: Oh, thank you, purple dog.

Dog: This is such a fun party. Would you mind if I invited a friend?

Eleanor: Of course, the more the merrier.

[doorbell ringing. There’s animated ice cream at the door]

Ice cream: Great party. It’s cool if I invite a friend, right?

Eleanor: Of course. Who is it?

Ice cream: Oh, it’s my buddy from out of town. Richard Carson.

Eleanor: Um, sure.

[Richard Carson walks in]

Richard: Hey there, happy birthday sweetheart. I’m Richard Carson.

Eleanor: Oh, hello. I’m Eleanor.

Richard: My wife Coleen’s in the car changing. But don’t worry. She’ll be here in a second.

[Coleen walks in the door.]

Coleen: Richie, I can’t find my other shoe.

Dog: Eleanor, shall we have some cake?

Eleanor: Yeah. Yes, you know, we can imagine any kind of cake we want.

Goldie: Like a big cake?

Eleanor: Yeah. Even the biggest cake in the world.

[Suddenly, there are a lot of people in Eleanor’s party. Richard and Coleen are making out in the middle of the room.]

Jesus Christ. I’m sorry, who are all these people?

Richard: These are our Michigan friends.

Coleen: We met them ATVing.

Eleanor: We need to stop inviting people.

Richard: Hey, it’s a party. Relax. You know, my friend really wants to meet you. He thinks you’re pretty.

Eleanor:  [blushing] Oh, okay.

[Burger walks to Eleanor]

Burger: Hey, I’m Burger. Thanks for having us over.

Eleanor: Oh, sure. Hey. I mean, it’s not big deal. I like to hang out.

Burger: Yeah. I could tell. What do you think about some same room sex later?

Eleanor: What?

Burger: Richard and Coleen going at it and you and I going to town, but like, all in the same room so people could sneak peek.

Eleanor: No, thank you. [walks to Ice Cream] Hey, what’s going on with your friend Richard Carson?

Ice Cream: What? He’s cool. He’s from Vegas.

Eleanor: Well, he needs to get the [bleep] out of my house.

[Two policemen walk in]

Police: Alright, party’s over.

Richard: Hey, I know my rights. I got a note from my doctor saying that I can’t drive sober.

Coleen: Seriously, if he doesn’t party, he dies.

[Richard tries to punch the policemen. He gets tasered.]

Stop it! You’re going to kill him.

Police: [to Eleanor] Ma’am. You need to get your life together.

Eleanor: Yes, yes. Thank you. I will. This always happens. I’m sorry. [everyone leaves] Well, see you next time on Eleanor’s house. [waving]

Children singing: Come on over, it’s Eleanor’s house.

Weekend Update Home Edition- Pete Davidson on Hooking Up During Quarantine

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his home.]

Colin Jost: And now, joining us over Zoom to explain his experience in the last month is Pete Davidson.

Pete Davidson: Thanks, Colin. It’s great to be here in my basement under strict quarantine. I’m not going near my mom or even answering her texts.

Colin Jost: That’s great. How are you guys holding up?

Pete Davidson: We’re good. You know, I haven’t gotten a face tattoo so far. A lot of people lost that bet. But we’re good, you know? The whole family’s family. Thank god everybody’s staying inside.

Colin Jost: Oh, good. Well, I’m glad they’re taking it seriously.

Pete Davidson: Well, me too, coz you have to understand this is Staten Island where up until now, washing your hands before dinner was known as “coming out of the closer.” But I know this is hard for everyone except you. You know, coz you’re locked in a house with Scarlett Johansson. You’re probably terrified they’re find the cure.

Colin Jost: It’s not true, Pete.

Pete Davidson: I know. I know. But still, you’re one of the lucky ones. You know? Everyone who isn’t a flat Earther is isolating at home right now. Which means you’re either having the most sex in your life or you’re like me and can now identify any pornstar by the back of her head. But it turns out people out there are still trying to hook up. I saw where the city even had to put out a pamphlet last month called “Sex and coronavirus 2019.”

Colin Jost: And what does it say?

Pete Davidson: Well, first it says you could have sex, but don’t kiss anyone. I just love that New York has the same policy as the prostitute in “The pretty woman.” I don’t even know if it’s about the disease or if it’s the city saying, “Don’t get involved. You don’t need that right now.” That’s how crazy this pandemic is. We’re learning that those weirdos who have sex in leather masks have been the smart ones all along. Also, it says the virus is not in semen. So, ladies, prepared to get DM’ed that fact a few thousand times this year. But the craziest thing is that right after they tell you not to kiss, they immediately get into something so dirty, I’m not even allowed to say it on air. So, let’s call em’ “Hiney smoocheroos.” Seriously, I can’t believe I have to sanitize the language of the health department to make it suitable for the show that brought you dick in a box. Here, take a look.

[A picture of the pamphlet appears]

Colin Jost: Oh my god. What?

Pete Davidson: I know. Even I was like, “Geez, nyc.gov, we just met.” I really hope this started out as a very straight forward set of recommendations with no mention of hiney smoocheroos and one government employee was like, “Oh, so I guess we just don’t exist, huh? It’s 2020, you  polyannas!”

Colin Jost: “Polyannas” is not the reference that I expected.

Pete Davidson: I know.

Colin Jost: Was there anything else in there?

Pete Davidson: Yes, yes. They also warn you to wash up before masturbating. Which I already learned the hard way, thanks to a flaming hot cheetos incident.

Colin Jost: So, do you think the pamphlet went too far?

Pete Davidson: No. I’m glad they’re educating people about safe sex. I just never thought I’d get a semi reading dispatches from the health department. Thanks de Blasio.

Colin Jost: Well, I’m glad you’re staying safe. Pete Davidson, everyone!

Pete Davidson: It’s weird without an audience!

Stuck in the House

Pete Davidson

Adam Sandler

[Music video starts with Pete Davidson in his house]

Pete Davidson: I’m stuck in the quar’, got nothin’ to do
I miss my friends, they miss me too
Sick of watchin’ shows and talkin’ on Zoom
Hiding from my mom, whackin’ in the bathroom
Sick of the same old questions (Old questions)
How’s it goin’? How you livin’?
What you bingin’? What’s for dinner?
Tired of the same repetition (repetition)
Grow a ‘stache, shave your head, work out, that’s for bitches
Tired of all the tomfoolery (Yeah)
Tired of my boy who still wears all his jewelry
Tired of sittin’ in the dark (In the dark)
Got nothin’ to watch, already did Ozark
Hand sani’ is now my best friend (My best friend)
Usin’ it so much it’s chappin’ my hands
I can’t wait for all this to end (Oh, man)
So we can go back to doin’ normal shit

Stuck with my fam, I can’t get out (Yeah)
For like two months been on my couch (Woah)
Runnin’ out of things to talk about (Yeah)
It’s quarantine in my house (Woah)

I’m goin’ crazy and crazy and crazy
I’m goin’ crazy and crazy and crazy, yeah

[Cut to Adan Sandler in his house]

Adam Sandler: I’m done with selfies, so don’t even ask
I’m stayin’ in the house in an underwear mask
Only pet my dog with a baseball mitt
Baking my own bread and it tastes like shit
I broke my leg two weeks ago
But I’m too scared to go to the hospital
Never go outside ’cause I might see my neighbor
Using both sides of my toilet paper
Wife tried to kiss me, I straight-up denied her
Miss the NBA, and I miss Rob Schneider
Tell the GrubHub guy, “Leave food on the street”
I’m so fuckin’ bored, I’m doing songs with Pete

Pete Davidson and Adam Sandler: Stuck with my fam, I can’t get out (Just kiddin’ about da wife)
For like two months been on my couch (All day, every day yeah)
Runnin’ out of things to talk about
It’s quarantine in my house

I’m goin’ crazy and crazy and crazy
I’m goin’ crazy and crazy and crazy

Pete Davidson “Drake” Music Video

Pete Davidson

[Music video starts with Pete Davidson recording in his home]

[music playing]

Pete Davidson: [rapping] I’m just– I’m just here to have fun my friend

[Subtitle reads “From his mom’s basement.”]

we’re just making so much money. Wearing watches and getting beautiful women. You know, I’m just wearing this chain and I don’t know what to do. 

Uh-yeah

This is a Drake song
I miss my ex, this is a Drake song
number one on the Billboard
number one on the Billboard

This is a Drake song
I miss my ex, this is a Drake song
Number one on the Billboard
Number one on the Billboard

And I need you now
But you in New York and I’m in Macau
I’d be with you, but this is an obstacle
It’s just, it’s not physically possible
Like Mission Impossible, I’m Tom Cruise
Don’t wanna be losin’ you, I take a cruise in you
Penélope Cruisin’ too
I’m a tough guy, but hey, my heart take bruises too, uh

You are my love, you are my love
My baby girl, my number one
My baby girl, my number one
Like my Billboard song

This is a Drake song
I miss my ex, this is a Drake song
Number one on the Billboard
Number one on the Billboard

This is a Drake song
I miss my ex, this is a Drake song
Number one on the Billboard
Number one on the Billboard

Pete Davidson “Andre 2000” Music Video

Pete Davidson

[Music video starts with video clips of money, cars and Pete Davidson fooling around]

[music playing]

Pete Davidson: [rapping] Yeah, this is that new rapper
you know, flexing with everything I’ve got
here we go
it’s for moms
Yeah, VIP (Okay)

I got $2,000
I got $2,000
It looks like a lot in the video
But it’s only $2,000

I’m a new young rapper on the block
About $2,000 is all I got
I put it in the video in every shot
It’s t$2,000, it’s all I got
But it looks good in the video
But it’s only 20 hundreds though
If what I’m rappin’ is good, yo, then
Maybe you won’t notice, oh

I got $2,000 (What?)
I got $2,000
It looks like a lot in the video
But it’s only $2,000

Andre 2000, call me Andre 2000 (What?)
Andre 2000, can’t afford 3000
What?

How Low Will You Go?

Alex Burpee… Beck Bennett

Tara… Ego Nwodim

Hayley… Heidi Gardner

Ashley… Aidy Bryant

Tip… Mikey Day

Dern… Pete Davidson

Townsen… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with “How Low Will You Go?” intro]

Male voice: And now, for another episode of “How Low Will You Go?”

[Cut to Alex Burpeein his home. He is wearing a suit.]

Beck: Hello and welcome to “How Low Will You Go?” The only dating show for sexy singles just getting out of that quarantine. I’m your host, Alex Burpee. That’s right. My dad invented laying down and getting up really quick. Now, let’s meet our contestants.

[Cut to Tara in her home]

Tara: My name is Tara and halfway through quarantine, you know I broke my vibrator.

[Cut to Heyley]

Heyley: What’s up? I’m Hayley and during quarantine, I broke two vibrators and and electric toothbrush.

[Cut to Ashley]

Ashley: Hey there, it’s Ashley and during quarantine, I straight up murdered all my vibrators. Pretty sure the last one was a suicide though, coz she left a note that said, [showing the note] “You did this.”

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Oh! Ha-ha. Quarantining isn’t easy for anyone. I had to spend all day with my kids. But get this. I’m the dad. Doesn’t make any sense.

[Cut to split screen with Beck, Tara, Heyley and Ashley.]

Well, after months of social distancing it’s time for our contestants to test how desperate they are to touch another human. Let’s meet our first warm body, Tip.

Tip: Hello, ladies. I’m Tip.and quarantine wasn’t that bad for me because I was already unemployed and I’m kind of an indoor cat. No friends.

Beck: Sorry, ladies. He’s clearly a nerd.

Tara: I’ll do it.

Beck: Really?

Tara: Look, the last warm thing I touched was sourdough. So, Tip, where would you take me on our first date?

Tip: Well, I’ll take you back to my car and cook you cereal for dinner.

Tara: No, no, no. Shut up. I don’t care. I don’t care. We gonna smash. Just tell me where you live.

Tim: Um, the end of Brooklyn.

Tara: If I sprint, I can be there in 45.

Tim: Sweet.

Beck: Okay. Congratulations to the happy couple. Let’s meet our next non-option, Dern.

Dern: Hey, what’s good? I’m Dern. In lockdown, I wanted to be super productive and I was. I saw every episode of Family Guy. [impersonating Family Guy] Oh, Dernr! Gigidy, gigidy,gigidy. Rock lobster!

Beck: Yeesh. Well, I think it’s safe to say none of our ladies would–

Ashley: Yeah. Okay, he is fun.

Beck: You don’t wanna ask him anything first?

Ashley: No. No. He got the good parts with me. I’m good with him.

Dern: Look, you should know. It’s kind of been a while. So, first time–

Ashley: Yeah, well, I got it. First time’s for you. Second time’s for me. Tale as old as time. Let’s call an Uber.

Beck: Well, that leaves our last contestants. Looks like you’ll have your pick of the litter, Hayley.

Heyley: Whoever is fine.

Beck: Then you wanna at least meet him first?

Heyley: Yeah, sure. Fine.

[Townsen appears. He is wearing a robe and shiny sunglasses.]

Townsen: Hazza and hello?

Heyley: Yeah. He’s fine.

Townsen: My online community of friends call me Townsen.

Heyley: That’s fine.

Townsen: I write non-erotic fiction.

Heyley: Yeah. Good with me.

Townsen: And during quarantine, I invented a board game that’s similar to chess but it’s jacked hobbits versus big boobied centaurs.

Heyley: Whatever.

Townsen: How serendipitous. A union.

Heyley: But, um, just so you know, Im looking for something serious. My brother got engaged over quarantine and it lit a fire under my ass that could melt steel.

Townsen: Oh. No, no, no, no can do, baby. Townsen don’t do commitment. Townsen like to play.

Heyley: God! These past few months have been so hard for me.

Beck: Thanks for watching “How Low Will You Go?” I’m Beck. And when can I stop washing my hands?

[The End]

Uncle Meme

Heidi Gardner

Ron… John Mulaney

Emily… Chloe Fineman

Tyler… Pete Davidson

Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

Chris Redd

[Starts with seven people celebrating in their house.]

Heidi: Anyway, to our baby girl Emily accepted at Stanford Business School.

Ron: Congratulations, sweetie.

All: Congratulations.

Emily: Aw, thanks everybody. It’s so nice to have family here.

Ron: [sigh] That’s great. So, Tyler, what about you? You enjoying college?

Tyler: Oh, yeah, uncle Ron. I’m loving it.

Ron: Oh, that’s nice. They have computers there, yeah?

Tyler: At college? Yeah, yeah, they do.

Ron: And did you do anything else?

Tyler: I don’t know, uncle Ron. I mean I write papers.

Beck: Ron, you alright?

Ron: I’m talking to your son. You write papers? That’s it?

Tyler: Yeah. That’s it.

Ron: You’re so slick, huh? You’re a liar!

Beck: What?

Ron: Excuse me?

Aidy: Ron, is everything okay?

Ron: No. It’s actually not okay. He meme’d me.

Beck: I’m sorry. Meme’d you?

Ron: Yeah, that’s right. My punk nephew Tyler made into a meme. I’m a meme now. And I don’t like it one bit.

Emily: Dad, come on. There’s no way.

Beck: Yeah. I’m sure this is just a misunderstanding.

Ron: Oh, really? Take a look at this. [Ron walks to his TV] Look at my facebook profile pic. [He shows his profile pic] Perfectly normal handsome picture of me right at work, right? Now, look at the front page of reddit.com. “When she wanna smash but the pee-pee too small.” What the hell is this?

Ron: Oh, wow!

Chris: Damn!

Aidy: My goodness.

Heidi: What in the world?

Ron: I know. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I mean is it supposed to be funny? Coz it’s not.

Emily: No, it’s sick.

Chris: It’s kind of funny though.

Ron: And it’s not even true. I smash. I have a kid, dammit!

Aidy: Tyler, is he right? Did you meme your uncle?

Tyler: Look, it just got out of hand. I just made one meme for fun and then–

Ron: Fun? Is this fun to you? This next one was tweeted by rapper Ice-T. And he said it was too true. [changes the meme] “When y’all kissing and she say ‘That’ll be $Ron00.'” I mean hey, hey, that sucks for me. You get that, right? [changes the meme] “When your girl pregnant and you ain’t even had sex.” Again, I have a daughter. Lies. [changes the meme] “When you tip the cam girl for Heidi0k and she block you.” What?

Aidy: Now, I don’t even get that.

Chris: It do be like that sometimes.

Aidy: Well, this is awful. This is not what Melania meant when she said, “Be best.”

Ron: The internet dubbed me the white collar virgin. I don’t know why. I mean, look at this. There’s thousands. [showing a list of his memes]

Tyler: Uncle Ron, I’m so sorry. I would never describe you that way.

Ron: Sorry? This is ruining my life. Do you get that? You do get that, right? This is endless. And they’re getting more creative. “I guess heaven needed a bitch.” So, I passed away in this one? [changes the meme. His picture is edited like he’s Joker.] “Wanna know how I got these tiny-ass balls?” It’s not funny. It’s depraved. [changes the meme] “When green book on HBO.” Dammit, at least this makes sense. That is how I feel when green book on HBO.

Aidy: Ron, this is a nightmare and we apologize on behalf of our son.

Beck: Tyler, make this right.

Tyler: Look, I never should have started the meme but I promise you, the one I did was just silly. It wasn’t meant to be like, hurtful.

Beck: Thank you. See? Just some gentle raving that got out of hand.

Ron: Oh, interesting. Coz I tracked Tyler’s reddit username and his first post was this. [changes the meme] “That feeling when you a pedophile.”

All: Tyler?

Tyler: That moment when your uncle finds the pedophile meme you made of him. [Tyler makes a silly face]