Tag: Pete Davidson

Airport Sushi

Chris Redd

Pete Davidson

John Mulaney

Bird… Kenan Thompson

Sushi Chef… Cecily Strong

Mouse… Alex Moffat

Air-hostess… Chloe Fineman

Aunt Annie… Kate McKinnon

Baby… Beck Bennett

Jake Gyllenhaal

Mikey Day

Bowen Yang

David Byrne

[Starts with Chris and Pete buying stuffs at airport store.]

Chris: Yeah, I’ll get this Chobani Yogurt with no spoon to eat it with please.

Pete: Yeah, and I’d like a bottle of water that will roll to the back of the plane as soon as we take off.

John: Alright. $15, Dasani water, extra plastic.

Pete: And, you know what? I will grab a sushi too.

[John looks at Pete with shock]

John: I’m sorry?

Pete: The sushi, you know? The spicy tuna roll that’s sitting in on the display case next to the ham and cheese panini.

John: [hesitating] You’re sure you wanna eat the sushi?

Chris: You’re buying sushi at LaGuardia airport? Have you lost your damn mind?

Pete: What? I want a nice balance of carbs and protein. Just sell me the sushi, man.

John: Your wish is my command, Kimasabi. [speaking in loud voice] Oh, phantom of LaGuardia, why don’t you tell this fine young man how he’ll feel after he eats our sushi?

[music playing]

[A bird wearing a mask appears.]

[The store changes into a performance stage. There’s smoke and lights.]

Bird: [singing] In dreams it’s haunting you
that fish you ate
the expiration date
ends in one-eight
and still you’re choosing it
as food for plane
The Phantom of LeGuardia is there
it smells insane

Sushi Chef: I am the sushi chef
that made that roll
the fish inside of it
crawled out of hole
yet you’re consuming it
this great mistake
you’d honestly be so much better off
eating a Wuhan snake

[music stops]

Chris: Is he supposed to be a pigeon?

John: No. He’s one of the geese that took down Sully’s plane.

Bird: Miracle on the Hudson. More like, massacre in the sky.

Pete: And there’s just a bird loose in the terminal?

John: Of course, there is. Haven’t you been to LaGuardia before?

[music playing]

[singing] I like to be at LaGuardia
lots of delays at LaGuardia
two small for planes at LaGuardia

Bird: Watched a man die in LaGuardia

Sushi Chef: Baggage claim carousel cling clang

John: Outlets are there for a cool prank

Sushi Chef: Ha-ha, loose fire hangs from the ceiling
Bird: Gives you a skanky old feeling

[a mouse and an air-hostess join them]

All: I like to be at LaGuardia
It’s time to breathe at LaGuardia
we might have sealed LaGuardia
who can we blame for LaGuardia?

[music stops]

[Aunt Annie runs in]

Aunt Annie: I’ll tell you who you can blame.

John: Aunty orphan Annie?

[music playing]

Aunt Annie: When anything’s bad, De Blasio
throw your hands up and say De Blasio
you’ll feel shamed
I know some of it was Mike Bloomberg
but it still feels like De Blasio is to blame

Sushi Chef: Why are there five planes on the tarmic?

Aunt Annie: But the taxis must stay three miles away

All: De Blasio, De Blasio
the cops hate De Blasio
he’ll keep every song away

[music stops]

John: And look, here comes [everyone starts snapping their fingers] a crying baby about to board a trans-continental flight.

[a baby walks in snapping his finger.]

[music playing]

Baby: Gu-gu-ga-ga, gu-gu-ga-ga
I’m screaming cry voice
got a stripe rope in my diaper
oh, it’s a stinky stool boy

John: Just play it cool, baby. Real cool.

Baby: If my parents are looking for me, which they’re not, I’ll be in the kid’s playground that’s also a pet relief area. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

John: Wow, they let a baby through security.

[Jake walks in. He’s wearing pajamas.]

Jake: Did someone say security?

[cheers and applause]

John: Hello, guy who travels in pajamas.

Jake: That’s right. I dress so that TSA could have easy access to my body.

[music playing]

So, if you care to search me
I’ll spread my legs real wife
I’ll even bend over for you
you can take a peek inside

[Jake starts levetating]

you can tell that I enjoy security
you can search way up in my cavity
you can pack me down
you don’t have to use the front of your hands

[music stops]

John: Okay, Jesus. We get it. You can continue on to Cleveland now.

Jake: How did you know I was going to Cleveland?

John: That’s where everyone at LaGuardia is going, like it or not.

[Jake levetates away]

[Mikey is announcing from the United Express booth.]

Mikey: Attention, we have  gate change for passengers going to Cleveland. Your old gate was A-7. Your new gate is G-46. It is physically impossible for you to make it to that gate in time and the plane will leave indeed. Thank you.

Pete: Man, I told you we should have left at JFK.

[Bowen walks in. He’s an Asian wearing a mask.]

Bowen: Ha-ha. And I guess I should have stayed home.

[John moves away from him screaming]

Oh, relax! I’m not sick. I’m just…

[music playing] profiled Asian
standing beside you
if I cough then it’s over
you’ll get off the plane
profiled Asian
no, I wasn’t in “Parasite”
I know the virus is bad but
it’s coming from Italy too

[music stops]

Chris: Man, this airport is it’s own world.

John: Yes. A third world.

[David walks in. He is a baggage handler.]

David: And if you stay here long enough, you will learn the mysteries of LaGuardia.

John: Wow, it’s the baggage handler who tosses everyone’s suitcase into Long Island sound.

David: That’s right. And you should know that…

[music playing]

All: We’re on a plane to nowhere
hop on in side
they say it’s about to take off
but that is a lie
sure, it will start to taxi
but then it comes back
we’re on a road to one motel
overnight, let’s go find

Talent Show

Devin… Mikey Day

Tyler… Pete Davidson

Principal Rigen… Kenan Thompson

Roberta… Tina Fey

Susan… Melissa Villaseñor

Leslie Jones

Devin… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Devin and Tyler performing in a talent show. They’re both wearing karate gee. Tyler is holding a fort and Devin is about to hit it.]

Devin: Using the raw power of my right hand, I will chop this fort in half.

Tyler: Wait, Devin, what if you hit my chest and my heart stops?

Devin: Good point. Never mind, we withdraw from competition because we are afraid.

[Devin and Tyler bow. Principal Rigen walks in.]

Principal Rigen: Okay. let’s give it up for Devin and Tyler. Ha-ha. [audience clapping] Right. Devin and Tyler. Two 18 old boys terrified by a piece of wood. Ain’t that nice. Ha-ha. Alright now. Up next is Susan Turners performing with her mother’s last PTA majority whip, Roberta Turners.

[Roberta and Susan walk to the stage]

Roberta: Whoo! Hello! Livingston high school, class of 2018, how we doing, Lions? Rawr! Fun. Anyway, I am Roberta.

Susan: I am Scissors.

Roberta: She is Susan.

Susan: Don’t run with me. I’ll poke your eye out.

Roberta: Okay. Spooky! Susan’s going through a bit of a phase. I’m sure all your parents can understand that.

[Cut to Leslie Jones in the audience]

Leslie Jones: No, my son is his own person and I respect his choices.

[Cut to Roberta and Susan]

Roberta: Okay. Wow, you really hung me out to dry there. Well, everybody, we are performing the very same mother-daughter routine that we did at her first grade talent show. [sobbing] Oh, my god. Okay.

Susan: For the record, I wanted to do a different song.

Roberta: Okay. The song choice is final. DJ, hit it.

[music playing]

[Roberta and Susan are rocking their bodies]

Roberta: [singing] I come home in the morning light
My mother says, “Where you gonna live your life right?”

Susan: [singing] Well, maybe I just wanna live my life wrong
Bill Gates never went to college, mom!

Roberta: Okay, stop. Susan, can I speak to you in private?

[Principal Rigen walks in]

Principal Rigen: Ha-ha, okay. Alright. Little mother-daughter moment there folks. They’ll be back momentarily. Ah, now, some of y’all might be wondering, “Why is Principal Rigen’s allowing this to continue?” Well, the answer is, Roberta and I have a sexual relationship. And, yeah, the phrase ‘no strings’ was throwing around a lot at the beginning. Yet here I am obligated to assist. Isn’t sex funny like that to y’all?

[Cut to Leslie Jones in the audience]

Leslie Jones: No. Sex isn’t funny. It’s beautiful and sacred.

[Cut to the stage]

Principal Rigen: Okay, so you just disagree with everybody? Huh?

[Roberta and Susan walk to stage again]

Roberta: Sorry for the disruption. I think Susan might be a little hermonal.

Susan: Argh!

Roberta: Okay. DJ, hit that track.

[music playing]

[Roberta and Susan are rocking their bodies]

Susan: [singing] I come home in the morning light
My mother says, “I can’t drive you to the protest, Susan. I have book club.” Mom?

Roberta: Alright. That’s enough. Okay, Susan, may I have a word with you in the wings please?

Susan: Argh!

[Principal Rigen walks in again]

Principal Rigen: It’s like, you know, one day we just banging, you know? But then the next day, it’s like, “Hey, can you take Susan to school? You already going there, right?” And then it’s like, “Oh, I’m getting groceries now. Alright.” And now I’ma be making a fool out of myself. Well, you know what? Why don’t we just move on to the next act. Give it up for Dylan and his amazing invisible box.

[Devin walks in. He acts like he is putting his hand on the box, then stepping on it. Then he leaves the stage.]

Principal Rigen: Well, I mean the booty is worth it. You know? Like, the booty is worth it, y’all.

[Roberta and Susan walk in]

Roberta: Okay, okay. Now, Susan has generously agreed to cooperate. DJ, play the song.

Susan: Yeah, Brandon, play the song.

[The DJ plays the song “Chop Suey” by System Of A Down.]

Roberta: Oh, Susan, turn this off right this instant.

Susan: [singing] Wake up!
Grab a brush and put a little makeup
Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup
Why’d you leave the keys upon the table?

Roberta: Stop. This is last warning. I’ll call the authorities. [looks at the audience] Everyone’s nodding. I think they love it.

[The audience are doing the headbang]

I think I love it.

Susan: There’s a part where you come in at mom.

Roberta: We’re doing this together?

Susan: Yeah.

[singing] Wake up!
Grab a brush and put a little makeup

Roberta: You wanted to

Susan: Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup

Roberta: You wanted to

Susan: Why’d you leave the keys upon the table?

Roberta: You wanted to

Oh, this song is fun. I like this.

Royal Wedding

Prince Harry… Mikey Day

DeShawn… Chris Redd

Kate Middleton… Cecily Strong

Prince Charles… Beck Bennett

Queen Elizabeth… Kate McKinnon

Meghan’s uncle… Kenan Thompson

Prince William… Alex Moffat

Amber… Heidi Gardner

Sefdevin… Tina Fey

Russell Brand… Pete Davidson

Elton John… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Prince Harry making video at Royal Wedding Reception at Frogmore House]

Prince Harry: What’s up? It’s your boy, Harry Windsor, a.k.a., grown sleezely. Yeah. Official wedding video, 2018. It’s 2 AM, royal reception still going strong. Meghan’s out in the hallway trying to stop some of her white relatives from getting in coz they’re mental. But let’s see who’s hanging out. Right? Everybody’s here. Right?

[Prince Harry walks to 2]

What about you? What’s your name?

DeShawn: DeShawn.  I’m from Meghan’s side of family.

Prince Harry: Alright. I kind of figured that, right? How are you feeling tonight?

DeShawn: Um, outnumbered but good, man.

Prince Harry: Yeah.

[3 walks pass]

Oh, sis-in-law, Kate Middleton, right? You look a little tipsy, Kate.

Kate Middleton: Well, yeah. You know, for the past six years, I’ve been like, pregnant the whole time. So, I’m going hard tonight.

Prince Harry: Yeah. I can tell. I can tell. How much have you had to drink?

Kate Middleton: One glass of champagne, whoooo!

Prince Harry: Lightweight, lightweight. [turns around and sees his father] Oh, there he is. My dad, Prince Charles himself. So, pop, you proud of your youngest son?

Prince Charles: Yes.

Prince Harry: Anything else you’d like to say?

Prince Charles: No.

Prince Harry: Okay, then. Alright. Um, look at this combo here. Meghan’s great uncle talking to my grandmom, the queen of England. [They are sitting at the dining table]

Uncle: [he is drunk] Ay! Harry, man, I was just telling her majesty here that she has got to start watching “The Crown” because they make her look like a bitch on that show. Girl, they’re doing you dirty.

Queen Elizabeth: See, this gentleman has also said that I must visit Philadelphia.

Uncle: Yes! You got to visit Philly, man, and get some real food. Some Philly food.

Prince Harry: Alright. Little drunk. Good luck with that. Oh, now, get a shot of my brother William, the party animal right here.

[Prince William is drinking tea.]

He looks 50 years old.

Prince William: Oh! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Prince Harry: Hey, how you doing? Chilling alone? Right? Right? What are you drinking, mate?

Prince William: Virgin Hot Toddy.

Prince Harry: So, a tea then. So sorry to hear that your hair could not make it.

Prince William: Oh, ha-ha-ha-ha. Brilliant! What a brilliant boy.

Prince Harry: Come on, dance, mate.

Prince William: No. I’m okay.

Prince Harry: Wills, come on. It’s my reception.

Prince William: Well, I suppose I could pass a few.

Prince Harry: There you go.

[Prince William and Prince Harry dance for the camera for some time.]

There you go.

Prince William: Oh, no. Grand mom just saw that. Bullocks!

[Queen Elizabeth is staring furiously at them]

Prince Harry: It’s alright. It’s my fault. Grandma, my fault.

Prince William: Apologize to grand mom.

Prince Harry: Enough family. Let’s go this way. Let’s go see the sheep sheets. We’ll say hi to the rando table. Every wedding’s got one. It’s the people who show up even though you didn’t think they would. Right? So, we’re gonna go say hi. It’s the polite thing to do. So, follow me. [Prince Harry walks through the door] Come on. Here we go. [walks to guests at the table] Alright, hello. How are you?

Amber: Hi.

Prince Harry: How are you doing? You friend of Meghan?

Amber: Yeah. I’m Amber. I worked with Meghan on “Deal or No Deal.” We were briefcase. We were briefcase girls together. I brought my briefcase. [she shows a briefcase to Prince Harry]

Prince Harry: You did. She brought the briefcase. Alright, that’s not sad at all. That’s very cool. I love it. [Prince Harry walks to another guest] Oh, let me guess, you’re from the groom side.

Sefdevin: Yes. I’m Dr. Sefdevin Pon Comp. Your father’s uncle once removed, married my mom who is his cousin. So, I am both your aunt and your niece.

Prince Harry: Lovely.

Sefdevin: Last I saw you, you were we wee boy. it was after polo match in comp.

Prince Harry: Alright, stop saying comp.

Sefdevin: And I was kicked in the face by a horse.

Prince Harry: Oh, yeah. Aunty Creepy. Oh, my lord. Dad used to say if we were bad, we’d have to come live with you.

Sefdevin: Ha-ha-ha. Right, he was because I’m the monster and bit of a paedophile.

Prince Harry: Okay. Wish you well here. Thank you for coming. Here’s your hat. That’s concerning. Alright, let’s go to the celebrity table. Russell Brand!

Russell Brand: Yeah!

Prince Harry: Alright. That’s all. And oh, sir Elton John. Yeah!

Elton John: [singing] Hold me closer, tight,
coz we’re here

Prince Harry: Yeah. Very clever. Yeah. You enjoying yourselves?

Elton John: Look at my jacket, Harry. What do you think? I’m having a wonderful Saturday! [singing]

Prince Harry: Singing the heat. Alright. Oh, he’s an American celebrity, miss Leslie Jones.

[Prince Harry walks to Leslie Jones.]

Yeah? Thank you. Leslie, tell everyone why you’re here.

Leslie Jones: Yeah. So, I started tweeting about the wedding 2 days ago. And then I got invited. Just like the olympics. That’s my thing. I might be at that North Korean meeting. We’ll see. Where Oprah at? Oh, there she goes. [yelling] Oprah!

[Leslie Jones walks away]

Prince Harry: Okay. This is wild. Oh-oh! Look what’s going on over there. Aunt Creepy! [His aunt is kissing DeShawn] Alright, watch out. She is a paedophile. Alright, I need to stop DeShawn from making the worst mistake of his life. Royal 2018. Prince Harry Markle, signing off, right? Yeah!

Graduation Commercial

Amy Mitchell… Kate McKinnon

Oliver Klein… Kyle Mooney

Ashley Brandt… Aidy Bryant

Natt Jones… Chris Redd

Courtney King… Heidi Gardner

Debin Alma… Pete Davidson

[Starts with video clips of high school events]

Male voice: Summer is just around the corner. So, kick things off right with the most highly anticipated event in town. “James Madison High School Graduation.” It’s gonna be Hot as Hell. 100 grads, 400 family members. All in direct three plus hours. Grandpa might pass out. It all kicks off with class speaker Amy Mitchell who does not know how to work that mic.

[Amy walks to the podium and speaks. She is looking here and there and the mic isn’t catching everything she’s saying.]

Amy: Sometimes I wish [inaudible] and that I could stay at this school [inaudible].

Male voice: Followed by victorian Oliver Klein, the smartest kid in class giving the world’s saltiest speech.

[Oliver walks to the podium.]

Oliver: Some of us weren’t considered cool or popular. And girls didn’t notice me. But in few years, boy oh boy, things are gonna change. You’re gonna wish you have gotten with me. Congratulations to the class of 2018.

Male voice: Bitter much? Bad enough? I didn’t think so. Because it’s time for the main event. Handing out diplomas. All your favorites will be there. Like, grads with unfortunate names.

Principal: Witney Slickt.

[the girl makes sad face]

Male voice: And class radical Ashley Brandt who is making a confused political statement with her gown.

[Ashley walks to podium and holds the mic.]

Get your laws off my uterus. And save the honey bees!

Male voice: Pick a lane! And how about Natt Jones who has been telling every one he’s going to do a back handspring but then bails it the last minute?

[Natt is ready for the backflip but he doesn’t do it. Everyone is staring at him. He just walks out.]

And when visibly pregnant senior Courtney King takes the stage, watch that news hit the parents section like an atomic bomb.

[As Courtney walks to the front, the parents are shocked and are talking bout her.]

Who’s the father?

And just when you thought the fun was over, watch your principal confidently mispronounce the Indian kid’s last name.

Principal: Parswa– Parsajabadajubis.

Male voice: Butchered! And of course, everybody’s dabbing. Dab! Dab! Dab! Dab!

[Courtney King is walking]

Is it a boy or a girl? It’s a Dab!

And after the ceremony, it’s time for dads with iPads!  [All the old men are taking their iPads out to take pictures.] And lots of group pictures where no one knows which phone to look at. Plus, secrets will be revealed. Like, when you realize goth kid Debin Alma’s parent’s are like, normal? How did that happen?

And hey, look. There is a senior having drama with his girlfriend who’s a sophmore.

[Mikey is talking to his girlfriend]

Mikey: I don’t want to date college girls. Baby, we’re not gonna break up. Okay?

Male voice: Ha-ha. Yeah, they will. It will be a thing to remember. But the only thing everyone will actually remember is when the principal fell off the stage.

[Principal is speaking on the stage walking around]

Principal: Webster defines the term gradu–

[Principal falls down the stage]

Male voice: The James Madison High School Graduation. Your grandma flew in for this.

Amy Schumer Mother Knows Best

Paul… Pete Davidson

Shelby McAllister… Amy Schumer

Summer… Cecily Strong

Jackie… Aidy Bryant

Mason… Chris Redd

Shanile… Leslie Jones

Christopher… Mikey Day

Abissaleth… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with “Game Show Network” intro.]

Female voice: You’re watching “Game Show Network.”

[Cut to game stage. The contestants are waiting for the host.]

Male voice: It’s “Mother Knows Best” where moms and their teams team up to win cash. Here’s your hostess with the mostest, Shelby McAllister.

[Shelby walks in]

Shelby: Thank you. Thank you and welcome to “Mother Knows Best.” I’m your host, Shelby. I’m a YouTube sketch comedian and a serious genuine singer. Okay, to find out what our teams are playing for today, let’s check in with our announcer cutie pie Paul.

Paul: Hmm. Please don’t call me that. Just ‘Paul’ please. Our teams are playing for a grand prize of $10,000. And again, just Paul.

Shelby: Hmm, thank you cutie pie Paul. Okay, let’s meet today’s teams. From Fountain Valley, California, 17 year old Summer and her mom Jackie.

Summer: My mom can be really strict.

Jackie: Oh, and if we don’t win today, she’s grounded.

Shelby: From Tempe, Arizona, it’s 16 year old Mace and his mom Shanile.

Mason: My mom says raising kids is full time job.

Shanile: And today, I plan on getting that $10,000 raise.

Shelby: And from Fortress-of-the-Lamb, Pennsylvania, a close community of friends, it’s 17 year old John Christopher and his mom Abissaleth.

Christopher: My mom is my best friend.

Abissaleth: My son is my life. [Christopher and Abissaleth hug closely] He is of me.

Shelby: Awesome! Awesome! Before the show, we asked our teams questions about their moms. If their moms’ answers match up, they get 50 points. First question. Teams, what’s something you do that drives your mom crazy?

Summer: Oh, ma’am, this is easy. My mom hates when I chew my hair.

Jackie: Oh, yeap. I said “Chewing her darn hair.” [showing board with the same thing written.]

[right answer bell]

Shelby: Correct. 50 points on the board. Christopher, what’s something you do that annoys your mom?

[Christopher and Abissaleth are holing hands]

Christopher: [giggling] Sometimes in the morning, I wake up before she does and I get up out of our bed. And when she wakes up, she won’t know I’m there.

Shelby: Did you say our bed? Mom, show us your answer.

Abissaleth: I said, [showing her written board] “Leaving our bed early and making mommy worry.”

[right answer bell]

Shelby: Yes, you did. Correct. You got 50 points.

[Christopher and Abissaleth hug very closely and tightly again]

Abissaleth: [singing]

[Christopher and Abissaleth kiss on lips softly.]

Shelby: Cool. Cool. Okay. On to Mason and his mom. Mason, what drives your mom nuts?

[Mason and Shanile are still shocked]

Mason: [pointing at Christopher and Abissaleth] Um, they’re still going. [Christopher and Abissaleth are still kissing]

Shelby: Okay. Alright.

Abissaleth: We won the points.

Shelby: Okay, we’re done with that. We’re done with that. So, no more of that. Okay. Mason, what drives your mom crazy?

Mason: Um, when I play my music real loud. She hates that.

Shanile: What? I said “When you wear one of those dumb hats.”

[wrong answer buzzer]

Shelby: Oh, yikes! No points. Okay, after one round, we got Summer and Jackie with 50 points, Mason and Shanile with 0, and John Christopher and Abissaleth with 50 points.

[Christopher is brushing Abissaleth’s hair.]

Close game so far, huh, cutie pie Paul?

Paul: Please, just call me Paul.

Shelby: We’ll see. Second question, and we’ll start with John Christopher. What’s your mom’s biggest fear?

Christopher: Oh, that’s easy. That I’ll meet a woman and get married one day.

Abissaleth: Yes, I put [shows her written card] “That a woman whose menarche has come will ensnare him, leaving me to perish in my loneliness and filth, alone, alone, alooooone. Also, lyme disease.”

Shelby: I really don’t want to give that answer points, but that’s 50 points.

[right answer bell]

[Abissaleth starts singing and then Christopher and Abissaleth kiss again.]

Shelby: Okay. Okay. Okay. And my producers are asking that you limit your songs to no songs. Alright, Summer, what’s your mom’s biggest fear?

Summer: Oh, um, probably spiders.

Jackie: Oh, shoot. I said [showing her written card] I said that “My husband and I will get into one of our loud fights in front of her friends.”

[wrong answer buzzer]

Shelby: Oh, oh! No points. I hear you though. My mom and dad would fight all the time. My dad was not afraid of a drink. Let’s go to Mason and Shanile.

Shanile: Ah, we forfeit. We can’t beat these two. [pointing at Christopher and Abissaleth] They kissing on the lip. Look at them. Look.

[Christopher is sitting on Abissaleth’s lap. Abissaleth is caressing his thighs.]

Shelby: Yeah. Yeah. No one’s gonna beat them. I don’t think they’ve ever slept in separate rooms. Okay, we’ve got to take a quick break before round two.

Christopher: Well, will I have time for restroom?

Abissaleth: And will I have time to help him in there? Coz he can’t aim.

Shelby: Oh, my god! We’ll be right back.

Weekend Update- Pete Davidson on Colin Jost, Michael Che

Michael Che

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: With temperatures in the 70s, spring has officially come to New York. Here to talk about his favorite season is our own Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Wad up, man? Hi, Michael.

Michael Che: Hi, Pete.

Pete Davidson: So I actually kind of lied. I’m not really gonna talk about spring. I just needed a way to get out here so I could talk about what’s really on my mind. Which is that you guys are hosting the Emmy’s this year. [cheers and applause] Relax! I’m a little sick about it. No, it’s bad enough watching you guys strut around this place with all your accomplishments. Head writers, update hosts, [pointing at Colin Jost] Harvard, [pointing at Michael Che] black. You got it all, man. Who made this decision? What did that sound like? “Any idea for a host this year? How about less entertaining version of Riggs and Murtaugh?

Michael Che: Alright, that’s-

Pete Davidson: No, I’m kidding. No, I think it’s great that Emmy hosts now are just cute friends. That’s awesome. How’s hosting next year? Squirrel and a cat? No, I know what happened. America saw you read a joke [pointing at Colin Jost] and then you read a different joke [pointing at Michael Che], and they were like, “What a chemistry!”

Michael Che: Pete, are you jealous?

Pete Davidson: No. I’m not jealous because it’s actually the worst job you can get in the show business. I just mad that you guys get to do it. I never would have done it but I would have done it if I knew it would keep you guys from doing it. Does that make sense? But seriously guys, how does it taste, boys?

Michael Che: What?

Colin Jost: Don’t ask.

Michael Che: How does what taste?

Pete Davidson: Warren Littlefield’s nuts! He runs NBC, I looked it up. How else are you getting these jobs? I know you’re doing the boss.

Michael Che: Pete, Warren Littlefield hasn’t worked in like, 20 years.

Pete Davidson: Well, South West needs to get some new magazine.

Michael Che: What is your life, man?

Pete Davidson: Well, who cares? I went to the Emmy’s last year and it sucked. So, it doesn’t matter. Some guy just gets on stage wearing a funny hat. And everyone claps. And they just read off names forever. And the biggest nerd in the class gets to give a speech. It’s a ton of crap.

Michael Che: Pete, that sounds like a high school graduation. You didn’t even go to the Emmy’s last year.

Pete Davidson: Oh, yeah. I didn’t. No, it still sucked though.

Michael Che: It did? Pete, you know, if it makes you so mad that we’re hosting, you don’t have to watch.

Pete Davidson: Not watch and not support my friends? What do you think? I’m a monster? No, seriously guys, you know, you’re not just my friends. You’re my mentors. And I can’t wait to watch you guys hit it out on a park on your big night.

Michael Che: Aw, thanks man. Pete Davidson, everybody.

Pete Davidson: I hope they fail.

Barbie Instagram

Diedra… Cecily Strong

Bernard… Kenan Thompson

Tamra… Heidi Gardner

Michael… Pete Davidson

Donald Glover

[Starts with Diedra and Bernard holding orientation for new interns]

Diedra: Guys, welcome to your first day as interns at Mattel, the Barbie division. You’re all here because of your interest in toy marketing or in Barbie herself. We take the Barbie brand very seriously here. Let the senior VP of Barbie social media elaborate more on that.

Bernard: Who is Barbie? Barbie is fun. Barbie works hard and plays thoughtfully. She has one boyfriend. She is impossible. She is girl to the max. Barbie is current, you understand?

Diedra: Yes, exactly. And last year we launched our very popular instagram account which allows her to connect with her fans online. And you three will be helping out with the captions.

Bernard: Why don’t we give it a try?

[There’s a picture of a Barbie in the screen]

Diedra: What would be a fun caption for this post? Tamra?

Tamra: “Um, love my juice and my chocolate bar.”

Bernard: That’s not a chocolate bar. It’s a clutch.

Diedra: It’s fine. You, what would you write here?

Michael: “I’m holding a chocolate bar.”

Bernard: I swear to god–

Diedra: Michael, sweetie, he just told you it’s a clutch.

Michael: Oh, oh. Then, “Oh, no. I forgot my clutch.”

Bernard: She is holding the clutch!

Michael: Oh. Then where is her chocolate bar?

Bernard: [yelling] There never was one.

Diedra: Alright. Never mind. What about you?

Donald: “I can’t shake the image of that girl getting hit by that car four years ago outside of my dream house. Anyway, I was holing a chocolate bar like this one.”

Bernard: Listen to me boy, Barbie never witnessed such a thing. That sort of thing does not happen outside of Barbie’s house.

Diedra: Bernard, calm down. It’s okay. Let’s just– we’ll do another picture. [the picture on the screen changes] Tamra, what’s your caption?

Tamra: “Hi, it’s Barbie. I can’t find my dog.”

Bernard: The dog is right there at her feet.

Tamra: Yeah. But she’s not seeing it.

Diedra: Alright. Michael, what’s your caption?

Michael: “I’m Barbie.”

Diedra: She’s answering the phone saying, “I’m Barbie?”

Michael: No. She’s just thinking it.

Bernard: So, she picked up the phone, held to her face and mouth and thought, “I’m Barbie?”

Michael: Yes. Exactly. She’s practicing.

Bernard: Practicing what? Thinking that she’s Barbie?

Michael: Okay. Let’s move on. Jason, your caption?

Donald: “Hey, I’m so sorry to do this but I won’t be able to come to the party. I just can’t. I got all dressed up but I just can’t shake this funk I’m in. I’m freaking out. I’m back to thinking about that girl from four years ago. I know it sounds crazy but I think she was trying to tell me something. I’m sorry. I’m stuck. Anyway, give me a call when you can. Oh, I’m sorry. This is Barbie. But you knew that. You have caller ID. I’m so stupid. Good bye.”

Bernard: So, young man, you are suggesting that not only Barbie will miss a party, but that she’s traumatized by something that I just told you never happened to her?

Donald: I think addressing the trauma is important. It’s a discussion that needs to be have.

Bernard: Not by Barbie. Not by Barbie.

Diedra: Bernard, breathe. Remember your condition. Okay, let’s just do another one but I’ll show you what we have in mind, okay. [Another picture of Barbie appears on the screen. Barbie is looking away at the sunset.] “Beautiful sunset in Malibu.” You see? Just like that.

Tamra: Oh.

Michael: Sure.

Donald: I like it.

Diedra: Okay? Go for it.

Tamra: “It’s almost not night anymore.”

Diedra: Oh, my god. And you?

Michael: Is that Barbie?

Diedra: Is that Barbie in the picture? Of course that’s Barbie.

Michael: Oh. I didn’t recognize her back. In that case, “I’m Barbie. This is just my back.”

Donald: Now me. “I overheard a woman at the supermarket say the strangest thing. She said, ‘There goes Barbie. Poor thing. She doesn’t know she’s a toy created by a corporation. Silly thing has never wondered where the car or the house came from.’ And the truth is I never thought of those things until today. Today is the first and very last day of my life.”

Bernard: Okay. I’m really trying to wrap my brain around this. You’re suggesting that Barbie find out that she’s a toy in a supermarket and then she has some sort of identity crisis that drives her to suicide?

Donald: It’s the only way she can be free.

Bernard: Okay, Diedra. I’m going to close my eyes and when I open them, I want all three of them out of the building.

Diedra: Yes. Yes. And I’m going to leave my eyes open and make sure that that happens for him. Well, leave! [the interns leave] Alright. You can open your eyes. They’re gone. Alright. So, we’re gonna go with “I’m Barbie. This is my back.” Right?

Bernard: Oh, definitely. It gets to the point.

National School Walkout

Mr. H… Kenan Thompson

Gerald… John Mulaney

Meghan… Melissa Villaseñor

Kyle Mooney

Heidi Gardner

Luke Null

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Pete Davidson

Lance… Alex Moffat

Principal Anderson… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Mr. H talking to a class.]

Mr. H: Alright, class. I know you’re all participating in today’s walkout. I just wanna say, I support you.

Gerald: Thanks, Mr. H. We’re gonna join millions of students who are standing up for what’s right.

Meghan: Gerald, it’s been so cool organizing our school’s protest with you.

Gerald: Yeah. I had a great time with you too, Meghan.

Meghan: Yeah. I think we make a great team.

[Meghan rub’s Gerald’s shoulder.]

Gerald: Oh, no. Don’t make the eye contact and rub the shoulder at once. Okay. [looks down at his pants. He gets a boner.] It’s happening.

Kyle: It’s 12 o’clock. Everybody stand up.

[Everyone stands up.]

Gerald: No, wait. Maybe we shouldn’t stand up right now.

Heidi: You don’t wanna stand up against gun violence?

Gerald: Not at this specific moment. When I’m wearing my shorts.

Meghan: Gerald, what’s wrong? We had a plan [everyone takes seat] Let’s do just like you said. Let’s stand tall and walk out leading with our pelvis.

Gerald: I hate that I was so specific. Okay, new idea. Instead of doing a walkout, how about we do a lie down?

Luke: A lie down? How does that work?

Gerald: Well, to protest, we all face down on the floor and then we writhe around a little until it’s gone.

Mr. H: Kids, I don’t know what ‘s going on with Gerald, but I thought the room would be empty by now. And I timed my e-cig break for the walkout. So, walk out.

[Gerald looks at his pants again]

Gerald: Wait, I think my problem’s going away.

Luke: That’s great man!

[Luke taps on Gerald’s shoulder]

Gerald: And it’s back. And I learned something about myself.

Aidy: I think it’s pretty clear what’s going on with Gerald.

Gerald: Oh, on. What have you got? Like, a side view or something?

Aidy: Gerald thinks that the media has been giving all the coverage to white schools.

Gerald: Oh, yes. I like this. Yes.

Aidy: Ignoring the people of color who face violence at higher incidents.

Gerald: Yes, they do face that. Keep talking. This is good. This is good.

Aidy: Great! Then, Gerald, you lead this dialog on race. Stand up without holding books or jackets in front of you and you march straight down to Thurgood Marshall Public High and you say, “Fellas, I know this thing is hard and upsetting and it’s pretty darn crooked, but if we roll up our sleeves, we can beat it together.”

Gerald: [shaking his head] I’m gonna pass.

Kate: Listen, friends. I know I’m just a foreign exchange student but Sweden, we have no guns, no shootings and no sunlight. We sit year around in total darkness eating fish that is rotten on purpose. So, America should just become like Sweden. And ice covered nation of 1,200 people and one giant.

Meghan: Anyway, come on, guys. If we don’t band together, what’s next? Training teachers to use firearms?

Mr. H: Okay. I’ll get right on that. In addition to teaching history, gym and then driving you all home on the bus, I’m spread so thin, I’ve had to teach myself to micro nap. [Mr. H takes a micro nap, snoring, wakes up in few seconds.] Seat belts!

[Heidi stands]

Heidi: [acting very furious] Isn’t anyone worried that this walkout could go us in trouble? This could go on my permanent record.  I won’t get into an Ivy League school. My mother will disown me because I’m not my perfect sister who died. [smiling and talking calmly] And that’s the monologue I’m using to audition for the theater program at Connecticut College in New London.

[Everybody clapping]

Gerald: Look, guys, I support the walkout. Just not today.

Pete: Yeah, I gotta agree. Nobody told me this was happening in 4-20. And frankly, I’m double booked.

Lance: I know why Gerald’s sitting. Coz he’s not a snowflake.

Gerald: Oh, no, Lance.

Lance: Yes, Lance. Equal time. I’ll never forget the first time my old man took me hunting. I was such a baby. I wanted to stay home wrapping towel around my waist to play lady restaurant. Instead, he dragged me weeping into the woods and made me stand there in the rain holding an AR-15 until I turned a gopher into red dust. Two years later, when I finally spoke again, I said, “Guns.”

[Mr. H looks shocked]

Mr. H: Lance, would you like to see the counselor?

Lance: Oh, yeah.

[Lance walks out]

Meghan: Gerald, come on. Do you really wanna leave policy up to a bunch of old white guys?

Gerald: No. I don’t even like old people. I don’t think they should be allowed to vote. I mean, I don’t mean to cause trouble but you don’t get to order for the table if you’re about to leave the restaurant.

Kyle: That’s ageist! That really offends me. I work at a home for the elderly. And I go every Tuesday. And I hold their frail hands. And some of them, their skin is paper thin. Their cartilage like firm jelly. And underneath, you can feel their bones.

Gerald: [looking down at his pants] Oh, keep going. The problem’s going away. Okay. We can walk in three, two– Oh! Hi, principal Anderson.

Principal Anderson: Every other classroom is outside. What’s going on in here?

Gerald: Sorry, I had to delay us a little bit.

[Principal Anderson walks to Gerald]

Principal Anderson: Oh, so you’re the trouble maker, huh? You’re the little bad boy. Huh?

Gerald: Oh! It sits back with a vengence.

Principal Anderson: You’re the naughty, naughty, naughty, nasty– Hold on. I got to step on this bug with my stiletto heels.

Gerald: And it took care of itself the other way. Alright, let’s walk out, everybody.

[The End]

Drag Brunch

Gary… Alex Moffat

Aidy Bryant

Pete Davidson

Cecily Strong

Waitress. John Mulaney

[Starts with four friends sitting in a restaurant]

Gary: So wait, hold on. This is a drag brunch?

Aidy: Yes. Yes. The waiters are in drag and they say catty things to you. It’s fun.

Pete: Yeah. And they have bottomless mimosas. What could be better than that?

Cecily: Oh, look. Here comes our waitress.

[A waitress walks in. She is wearing pink uniform.]

Waitress: Good morning, bitches. The good lord named me Tony Pockets and I’ll be your server-ess.

Gary: Hi, Tony.

Pete: This might be more fun than I thought.

Waitress: Might be. And you might the worst lay in the history. At lest according to that bag of lotion and what it said. Okerr? [everyone laughing] And you miss thang, wow! [looking at Cecily] Canel street called and wants that fake ass Chanel purse back immediately.

Cecily: [laughing] OMG, this purse is fake Chanel. See, it says Charnel.

Waitress: Yes, queen. That bag is as fake as my orgasms. Trust! [looking at Aidy] And somebody best keep calling the fire department about this one coz that smoky eye situation has become a stop, drop and roll one.

Aidy: [laughing] She got me.

All: [pointing at Gary] Do him. Do him.

[Waitress leans towards Gary and looks deep into his eyes]

Waitress: You’ve never worked for anything in your life. You’ve had everything handed to you. One thing you haven’t been able to purchase is a personality. And a soul. [leaves Gary ands stands back] Alright bitches, I’m gonna sashy away and grab them mimosas.

[Waitress walks away]

Pete: Guys, this is pretty fun.

Gary: Is it?

Aidy: Oh, Gary, come on. You’re not upset, are you?

Gary: No. It’s just that with you guys she was really superficial. And then with me, she got dark. It was like there was no joy in her eyes.

Pete: Gary. Get over it.

Cecily: Yeah. That is what drag queens do, okay? They throw shade. They read beads. It’s just part of the whole experience.

Gary: Okay, yeah. I’m sorry. Maybe I’m being too sensitive.

Aidy: Oh, here she comes again.

[Waitress walks in with two drinks, one in each of her hands.]

Waitress: I’m back, kitty girls. Oh, sure, damn! There’s four of you and I only brought two. [to Cecily] Well, I made you extra strong coz you’re gonna have to rub front with that thirsty troll. [to Aidy] Also, I called 911 to help out with the tragedy that is that smoky eye situation.

Aidy: She will not let go of my smoky eye.

Pete: Yo, don’t forget about Gary.

[Waitress leans towards Gary and looks deep into his eyes]

Waitress: When was the last time someone smiled coz you walked into a room? I can’t imagine anyone driving joy from seeing such an overprivileged husk of a shallow human being. [leaves Gary ands stands back] Okerr! I’m gonna be back with some menus.

[Waitress walks away. Everyone’s laughing except Gary.]

Gary: What? I don’t get it. I’m a nice guy. People like me. And it has nothing to do with my godfather being Dyson Vacuum guy.

Pete: Oh, Gary. She’s just teasing.

Gary: No. She hates me. Look.

[Cut to Waitress staring at Gary with angry face from far]

[Cut to everyone]

Cecily: Gary, you have to take what she’s saying with a grain of salt.

Gary: It just seems that the grains of salt that she’s giving me are coarser than those being served to you.

Aidy: Oh, Gary. You don’t have a poetic mind. You shouldn’t try to speak in metaphors.

Pete: Yeah, Gary. Just enjoy her sass.

Gary: Oh, my god. Here she comes. I’m not sure how much more I can take. Seriously, I might cry.

Cecily: Already? Okay. But then, that’s it for the day.

[Waitress walks in with the menus]

Waitress: Got you menus you hungry, hungry whores. [Waitress leans towards Gary and looks deep into his eyes] And you. I know you’re used to everything just being handed to you but not today, Gary Watson.

Gary: Wait. How do you know my full name?

Waitress: Don’t you recognize me?

Gary: Um, no.

Waitress: Does this help? [She takes off her wig. Actually he’s a man. He takes off his fake breasts too.] Now?

Gary: No.

Waitress: Okay. What if I do this?

[Waitress takes off his glasses and wipes his lipstick.]

Gary: Milton Saunders?

Milton: Correct. I was your intern over five years ago. You scolded me over a lunch order when I worked for you at Golden Sachs. Well, guess what? I’m a junior VP at Credit Suisse now.

Gary: Wait, then why are you working here?

Milton: My friend owns the restaurant and told me you were coming.

Gary: Wait. So, you got into full drag just to insult me?

Milton: Correct.

Gary: But it must have taken like, two hours to get in all this.

Milton: Four. Contouring takes a while if you’re new to it. Anyway, I accept your apology.

Gary: I didn’t say I was sorry.

Milton: Now, does everyone know what they like to order?

Cecily: Wait. You’re still gonna take our order?

Milton: Yes. The agreement was that I would work a whole shift. So, what you bitches wanna eat?

Gary: Okay. I guess I’ll have the breakfast burrito with the sour cream, one the side, please. Don’t mess it up like five years ago.

Milton: Yes, sir. Immediately sir. Dammit!

Diner Lobster

Waiter… John Mulaney

Waitress… Cecily Strong

Pete Davidson

Chris Red

Lobster… Kenan Thompson

Clausette… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Pete and Chris in Big Nick’s Greek Diner for a meal.]

Waiter: Did you two order yet?

Pete: No.

Chris: No.

Waiter: Did you two carve gang signs into the baby changing station?

Pete and Chris: Yeah.

Waiter: Alright. What do you want to eat?

Chris: Yeah. I’ll have the grilled cheese deluxe and can I get a salad instead of the fries, please?

Waiter: Yeah. Sure thing. One grilled cheese, vagina style. Great! How about you, Pal?

Pete: You know what? I’ll have the lobster

[Waiter is shocked]

Waiter: Excuse me?

Pete: The lobster special.

Chris: Did you just order a lobster in a diner?

Pete: Yeah. Why?

Chris: Because it’s a diner. No one orders lobster in a diner. The whole seafood section is on the menu as a joke, man. I mean, seafood! The word ‘seafood’ is in quotes.

Pete: I’m in the mood for lobster, okay? I won my lawsuit against bumble for getting zero matches. And I wanna celebrate.

Waiter: But the lobster, you sure that you want the lobster?

Pete: I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s on the menu. I’ll have the damn lobster.

Chris: Just don’t do it.

Waiter: [in sad voice] As you wish. Alright, everyone, the time has come. We’ve got an order here for one lobster.

[music playing]

[A huge aquarium is pulled out of curtains. There is Kenan dressed as a lobster inside.]

Kenan: [singing] Who am I?
and why am I condemned to boil alive?
when all that I have done is live my life

Waiter: And why would someone on a whim
choose from all to order him

[pointing at Pete] Who’s this guy?

[Pete is laughing hard]

Kenan: I thought that there was an unspoken rule
that lobster in a diner is never cool
a diner’s menu is way too long
and half the things are way too wrong

[Waitress is standing behind Pete and Chris. She surprises them by singing.]

Waitress: Must he die
how can you ever face his lobster friends?
how can you ever face yourself again?

monster

Kenan: I’ve lived here 40 years, I know
an age that lobsters never grow
and in that time there’s been no one to order any crustaceans

Who am I?

Waiter, Kenan and Waitress: Lobster number one.

[Chris is clapping for them]

Chris: I mean, you can’t eat the lobster now, man! They just sang their song, bro.

Waiter: I’m sorry, dude. I’m more of a mean girls guy. [winks at the camera] On broadway now.

Chris: Wait, what’s happening right now?

[a girl lobster walks in]

Clausette: Papa?

Kenan: Clausette? Oh, what are you doing here?

Clausette: There’s something I wanted to tell you, papa.

[music playing]

[singing] Father now they want you dead
let me go in your place instead
whether it’s boiled, steamed or blacked
Off to the great tank in the sky

Kenan: No, Clausette. I can’t make you do that. It’s not your time. It’s mine.

Clausette: [weeping] I love you, papa.

Kenan: Oh, I love you too. Now, run. Run from this place.

[Clausette runs out]

Chris: Oh, the little baby lobster man! Just change your order, dude!

Pete: Hey! They put it on the menu. I’m calling their bluff.

Waiter and Kenan: Form the barricade.

Chris: Wait, there’s a barricade?

[two people pull out a cart full of lobster cages]

Pete: This diner has incredible set design.

Waiter: [singing] Will you join in our crusade to keep the lobster from the pot?
Waitress: Will you drop the massacre raid and give him a shot?

Kenan: Then join in the pipe that will give us the right to be free

[Four other performs walk in dancing]

All: Do you hear the lobster scream
screaming the scream of scalding flames
it is a screaming of a lobster

[pointing at Pete. He is dancing to the song.] And this dummy’s here to blame

When the churning in your bowels
matches the burning of his shell
you’ll know why lobster in a diner never sell

Lobsters, you don’t order them in diners.

Pete: Alright. Alright. Alright. Forget he lobster. I’ll have the tuna melt instead.

Everyone: Yay!