Tag: Sasheer Zamata

Graveyard Song (ft. Jim Carrey)

Janelle… Sasheer Zamata

Arla… Pete Davidson

Reaper… Jay Pharoah

Tombstones… Bobby Moynihan, Kate McKinnon

Phil… Jim Carrey

Paul… Taran Killam

[Starts with a video clip of graveyard.]

Janelle: Arla, this place is creeping me out.

[Cut to Janelle and Arla walking with a 6-pack]

Reaper: Come on, Janelle. What better place to get faded on that a graveyard?

Janelle: You’re so bad. It’s hot.

[music playing]

Wait! What’s that sound?

Reaper: I hear it too. Is that music?

[Everything in the graveyard is singing]

Everything: On Halloween, this place comes alive
spirits and hearts begin to rise
you’ve come here in the worst of nights
Say hello to our graveyard fights

[statue of Reaper starts walking down]

Reaper: I am the reaper, the keeper of the dead
tonight I’m going to keep your head

[Cut to two tombstone statues]

Tombstones: We are the spooky tombstone band
we sing the chorus of the damned

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: I am a twisted rotting tree.

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Paul and Phil: We are Paul and Phil

[Cut to two tombstone statues]

Tombstones: Since you’ve arrived on Halloween
You are doomed to never leave

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: Are you scared?

Paul and Phil: Paul and Phil

Tree: Are you terrified?

Paul and Phil: Paul and Phil
Paul and Phil

Phil: Couple of dead guys.

Paul: We hail from the Hawkeye state. 

Phil: Paul and Phil

Paul: Phil and Paul

Paul and Phil: Can you guess who’s who? We’ll never tell.

Paul: Yes we will. I am Paul.

Phil: I guess I am Phil.

Paul and Phil: Now you know who’s Paul, who’s Phil. Paul and Phil!

[music stops]

Tombstones: Shut up! [Cut to tombstones] Shut up! Now! Just shut up!

[Cut to Janelle and Arla]

Janelle: What is this? What do you want with us?

Arla: The only thing I know for sure is that they’re Paul and Phil

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: We’re trying to explain everything to you with our song, but Paul and Phil made it the Paul and Phil show.

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Paul: Oh, tree. Did we go on too long? Gosh! Darn it!

Phil: It was just so darn fun.

[Cut to Janelle and Arla]

Arla: Are Paul and Phil like, a part of this? Because, I’m not scared of Paul and Phil.

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Phil: Aw, thanks man!

[Cut to tombstones.]

Tombstone: Paul and Phil are just some nice casual ghosts, just sort of always around.

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Paul: Yep! Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. I died chasing a butterfly off a cliff.

Phil: And when I found out he was dead, I killed myself.

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: Can we please continue our song?

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Paul: Well, that sounds good to us. Hey, where are we jumping in?

Phil: Are we rehearsed?

[Cut to the tombstones]

Tombstone: Hey! We’re starting.

[music playing]

We see you all consumed by fear
of all could things that could happen in here

[Cut to the reaper]

Reaper: I could slice you with my scythe. 

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: You could hang from my tree.

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Paul and Phil: Or, kind of rug with Paul and Phil

Phil: Coz everybody gotta have a place to go

Paul: If you can dig in

Paul and Phil: Or get down below

[acting like digging with a spade]

tsk-foo tsk-foo tsk-foo tsk-foo
That move is called ‘the Paul and Phil’

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: [yelling] No! Absolutely not!

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Phil: Did we jump in again too soon? I thought we were on our song after the tree!

[Cut to Reaper]

Reaper: Who told you that/

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Paul and Phil: I think maybe you.

[Cut to Janelle and Arla]

Janelle: Can we just go?

[Cut to the tombstones]

Tombstone: Not so fast. We’ll only let you leave, if you can solve our riddle.

[Cut to Janelle and Arla]

Arla: Well, can you tell us the riddle?

[Cut to everybody]

Tombstone: No, but we can sing it. [laughing]

[music playing]

[Cut to Reaper]

Reaper: What passes by but has no lane?

[Cut to the tombstones]

Tombstones: What has a face with no eyes to gaze?

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: What can strike–

[Paul and Phil interrupts]

Paul and Phil: Oh, it’s a clock!

Tree: Hell no! Hell no! Hell no, Paul and Phil! Hell no! You don’t ruin the riddle!

[Cut to Janelle and Arla]

Janelle: Cool. It’s a clock. Now, can we go?

Arla: Thanks Paul and Phil. Have a beer.

[Arla passes a beer to Paul and Phil but they cannot hold the can]

Phil: We’re ghosts. That beer went right through me.

Paul: Yes, it always did.

[Cut to everybody]

[music playing]

Paul and Phil: Paul and Phil
we’re Paul and Phil
we’re Paul and Phil
Paul and Phil
Paul and Phil

 

Ghost Chasers

Greg… Taran Killam

Sarah… Venessa Bayer

Simon… Kyle Mooney

Megan… Sasheer Zamata

Ronda Banks… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Ghosts: Fact or Fiction?]

Male voice: Ghosts, spectre operations, are they real messages from other side? Or can they be explained by science? Tonight we find out on Ghosts: Fact or Fiction?

[Cut to a house that looks haunted.]

Amherst Massachusetts. The Chapman mansion. Some say it’s been haunted for decades and I was going to find out the truth with the help of my team. A local historian, two paranormal researchers and a scientist &resident skeptic, Ronda Banks.

Ronda Banks: There’s no such thing as ghost?

[Cut to the team getting inside the the house]

Male voice: Together, we entered the house.

Ronda Banks: Well, this is kind of spooky.

[Cut to Greg]

Greg: We are currently inside of what used to be the drawing room.

Sarah: The Chadmans disappeared from here over 80 years ago.

Greg: Are you picking anything up in the spectre meter?

Simon: Oh, yeah! Big time.

Greg: Megan. Give us a reading on the cabinet.

Megan: Definitely something here.

Greg: Ronda, go on and check the fire place.

Ronda Banks: [shaking head no] Uh-uh!

Greg: No, go on, check it.

[Cut to Megan Banks gesturing no]

[Cut to Simon]

Simon: Hey, Greg, I’m getting a big spike by the windows.

Greg: Alright, shh! Shh! Everyone, silent.

[banging sound]

Ronda Banks: [jumping around] Oh!

[Ronda Banks gets out of the house]

Greg: Even our skeptic was disturbed by the house. And she hadn’t even seen the basement.

[Cut to night vision clip of everybody in the hosue]

[banging sound]

Ronda Banks: Oh! Why is the lights off?

Greg: Spirits, show yourselves.

Ronda Banks: Really? You’re gonna ask the spirits to show themselves. That’s so stupid.

Greg: That’s what the whole show.

Ronda Banks: I’m not build for this, man! I thought this was supposed to be about flipping halosis.

Male voice: I was beginning to doubt Ronda’s credentials as the night went on.

[the team is now going upstairs]

Greg: We are currently inside of the twins’ bedroom. This is actually where they were last seen alive. Right here, we have the twin’s favorite doll, Clarabelle.

Ronda Banks: Stupid.

Sarah: The doll disappeared with the family in the 30s and then reappeared in the 70s.

Greg: How does science explain that?

Ronda Banks: It don’t. It’s ghost.

Megan: Ronda, you’re supposed to provide a counterpoint. \

Ronda Banks: Excuse me, but are you trying to tell me how to do my– [bang] What the [bleep]!

[Ronda Banks runs out breaking the house door]

Male voice: Coming up on “Ghosts Fact or Fiction?”, Ronda locks herself in the van.

[the team is at the van telling Ronda to open the doors.]

Greg: Ronda, please get out of the van.

The Group Hopper

Kyle Mooney

Thero… Pete Davidson

Beck Bennett

Sasheer Zamata

King… Bill Hader

[Starts with clips of a man breathing fast in a broken elevator.]

[Slowly the ceiling opens. There are people looking down to you.]

[Kyle jumps in]

Kyle: Hey, semi. Welcome to Gray World.

[Kyle gives Thero a bag]

[Cut to Thero looking around. The place is surrounded by a wall.]

Male voice: This fall.

Thero: What is this place?

[Cut to Thero and Beck walking and looking at the wall]

It looks post-apocalyptic or something.

Beck: The metal fields. This is where the semi stayed where the groupers passed them on to the shorties for sorting.

Thero: What’s over those walls?

[Sasheer walks in]

Sasheer: Nothing much, except the death virus.

Male voice: From the director of Maze Runner. The producer of Divergent. And a casual fan of The Giver.

[Cut to Kyle following Thero in a field]

Kyle: Smooth move, kid. Showing up on category day! Now you’re gonna get put into category, no matter what. [Kyle throws a bag to Thero again]

Male voice: Adapted from YA novel, written entirely in the comment section of a Hunger Games trailer.

[Cut to Thero and Sasheer]

Sasheer: Who are you anyway?

Thero: My name’s Thero. I never met my parents but my name’s tattooed at my back.

[Thero opens his shirt.]

[Cut to Beck walking to Thero]

Beck: Wait a second. That doesn’t say Thero.

Thero: What does it say?

Beck: The Hero.

[Cut to an Asian man]

Asian man: Destiny!

Male voice: A hero will rise.

[Cut to King speaking from above to all the people. He has his face painted like a lady.]

King: You are all the same. There’s nothing special or unique about any of you. And now, you’ll be put into groups.

[Cut to Thero]

Thero: What does he mean, ‘groups’.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: There is the emotionals, the foodies, the acidics and gryffindor.

[Cut to Thero]

Thero: When I grow up, I wanna be a freelander.

Sasheer: But you can’t. You were born as circumscriber and [Cut to Sasheer] and you always be.

[Cut to Thero]

Thero: But what if I wasn’t.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: You’re right. You’re not. [Cut to Thero and Sasheer holding hands.] And I love you.

Thero: Dope.

[Cut to King]

King: You’ll be given even dirtier clothes arranged in lines. And you must obey me. Because I am your king. Or queen. You’ll figure it out.

[Sound of a metal rod being dragged on a floor is coming while King is trying to move.]

[King is struggling to move.]

[The bodyguards try to help.]

I got it! I got it! Thank you.

[Cut to the people walking in the underground path with fire torches.]

Male voice: A system will fall.

Thero: We’ve got to find a way out of here.

Sasheer: Even if you made it through, you still have to survive the lurkies. And they are lurking everywhere.

Beck: And you can only kill a lurky with a zoomerang. [Cut to Beck] But, nobody’s seen one of those for a thousand years to the day.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Unrelated. Do you have any necklaces?

[Cut to everybody]

Thero: Just this one.

[Thero shows his necklace. It has a shape of boomerang.]

Sasheer: You’re the chosen one. And I’m a virgin pregnant with your baby.

[Cut to Thero]

Thero: Well, that sucks!

[Cut to King walking in his castle wit his bodyguards.]

King: Bring me the one they call Thero. Dead or alive. But preferably alive. Right? Boop!

[Cut to Kyle, Thero, Beck and Sasheer]

Beck: It’s still lurkies. Quick, let’s hide in the dream swamp.

Kyle: We can’t, swampsters!

Thero: Then we’ve only got one choice. [Showing his boomerang necklace] We fight!

[Cut to an Asian man]

Asian man: Zoomerang!

[Cut to the people running]

Male voice: On October Kyle0th, meet The Group Hopper.

Thero: We will not be categoried!

Male voice: Put him in a group and he’ll hop his ass right out.

[Cut to Thero]

Thero: Hey lurky! [Cut to a goat with a helmet on] It’s time to change the world.

[Thero throws the zoomerang at the lurky. The zoomerang just falls under the lurky, but it blasts when the lurky steps on it.]

[Cut to an Asian man]

Asian man: What?

Male voice: The Group Hopper. Rated G for asexual kissing.

39 Cents

Charles Daniels… Bill Hader

Jay Pharoah

Kenan Thompson

Sasheer Zamata

Leslie Jones

Ballery… Vanessa Bayer

[Start with video clips of slum dwellers.]

[Cut to Charles Daniels]

Charles Daniels: Hello. I’m Charles Daniels. For years, we’ve been taking it to villages like his, and showing you the heartbreak of families whose only mistake was being born poor. They need your help. And for only 39 cents a day, you can provide water, food and medicine for these people. Just 39 cents, that’s less than a small cup of coffee, but it can make all the difference in the world to the people in this village.

[A slum dweller washing clothes whispering]

Jay: Ask for more.

Charles Daniels: Sorry?

Jay: Ask for more money. Why are you starting so low?

[Cut to Charles Daniels speaking in the village]

Charles Daniels: As you can see these villagers are desperate for your help. So, don’t hesitate. Pick up the phone.

[Slum dwellers at the back talking]

Kenan: Ay, what they shooting?

Jay: Commercial of something.

Kenan: A what?

Charles Daniels: Dial the number and send over 39 cents. That’s all we need.

Kenan: [yelling from the back] Start higher!

Jay: I know, right?

Charles Daniels: 39 cents may not sound like a lot, but it can mean so much to these families.

Jay: [speaking from behind] It’s not even a round number. Like, if he said $one, I could see how he got there.

Kenan: Yeah, but you know, they always have to take away a penny to make it sound like less.

Jay: I get that. I’m just saying, why not start at 99 cents?

Charles Daniels: 39 cents, that’s [speaking loudly so that Jay and Kenan can hear] all these people need survive. And they’d be so, so lucky and appreciative to get it. So, for the price of a cup coffee.

[Sasheer walks to Jay and Kenan behind]

Sasheer: Who that?

Kenan: He talking about all they need to send is a bare minimum to keep us alive.

[Cut to Charles Daniels talking in another place]
Charles Daniels: We’re not asking for the bare minimum. [Jay, Kenan and Sasheer are following Charles Daniels] This number has been decided by very educated and caring people who can save your lives.

Sasheer: How?

Charles Daniels: How?

Sasheer: How are you gonna safe our lives from only 39 cents? Because I’m trying to do the math in my head but I just can’t see it.

Charles Daniels: 39 cents is plenty.

[Leslie walks in]

Leslie: He keeps saying 39  cents. Why you keep saying 39 cents?

Charles Daniels: For the price of a cup of coffee.

Leslie: Why can’t it be the price of Arizona Ice Tea? They 99 cents.

Charles Daniels: Because it’s not the price of an Arizona. It’s gotta be coffee.

Jay: It don’t though.

Sasheer: Plus, coffee is way more expensive than 39 cents.

Charles Daniels: It’s 39 cents. You know, for starving village, you people have a lot of energy. Maybe people will just send their checks some place else.

Kenan: Oh, you asking for a check? Yo, why would you ask for a check?

Sasheer: You’d settle for a check.

Charles Daniels: It’s got to be a check, okay?

Jay: It don’t though.

[Ballery walks in]

Ballery: Here’s your coffee and your change, Mr. Daniels.

Charles Daniels: Perfect timing Ballery. I love it.

Kenan: Ay, white lady, how much is that coffee?

Charles Daniels: It doesn’t matter.

Leslie: I bet you don’t even know what country you in.

Charles Daniels: I do know what country I’m in.

Jay, Kenan, Sasheer and Leslie: What? What country are you at?

Charles Daniels: Africa?

Jay, Kenan, Sasheer and Leslie: Oh! Listen! Hell no!

[Leslie looks at the camera and speaks]

Leslie: Ay! If you wanna see this cheap ass white man again, you better send us $Jay00 cash right now. Don’t hesitate.

[Cut to HelpFund video bumper. It has ‘Send $Jay00 to save Charles Daniels’ on it.]

Joan Rivers

Sasheer Zamata

Ms. Joan Rivers… Sarah Silverman

Richard Pryor… Jay Pharoah

Steve Jobs… Kyle Mooney

Elizabeth Taylor… Cecily Strong

Ben Franklin… Bobby Moynihan

Freddie Mercury… Adam Levine

Lucille Ball… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a clip of the clouds.]

Sasheer: Attention everyone. [Cut to celestial stage. Sasheer is standing in the middle.] I have some big news. [Cut to Sasheer] We’ve just received the word that one of the greats has joined us here on this celestial stage. Ladies and gentlemen of heaven, please welcome Ms. Joan Rivers.

[Cut to the celestial stage. Everyone is clapping.]

[Ms. Joan Rivers walks in to the middle]

Ms. Joan Rivers: Thank you, thank you. Oh, hello, hello, hello, hello. Heaven, are you serious? I guess maybe I should be here. I’m practically a virgin. Last time someone was inside me, it was Malissa. [Cut to Ms. Joan Rivers, Richard Pryor and Steve Jobs] You know what I’m talking about, uh! Oh! my old friend, Richard Pryor.

[Cut to Richard Pryor]

Richard Pryor: Now, this lady don’t hold nothing back, y’all know what I’m saying?

[Cut to Ms. Joan Rivers and Richard Pryor]

Ms. Joan Rivers: Richard, you could never keep it in your pants. I don’t wanna say Richard fooled around. But the longest relationship we ever had was with multiple sclerosis. [Cut to everybody. Everyone is laughing] Oh! Grow up!

[Cut to Richard Pryor]

Richard Pryor: God damn! Okay, y’all laughing at that? Huh? Y’all can kiss ass.

[Cut to everybody]

Ms. Joan Rivers: So many incredible people here. Steve Jobs is here. [Cut to Steve Jobs] Uh! [Cut to Ms. Joan Rivers] Steve, I hope you are forced to buy a new and better casket every six months so you can see how we feel, am I right?

So many beautiful people are here. My gorgeous friend Elizabeth Taylor. [Cut to Elizabeth Taylor] What a legend. You look so young Liz. [cut to Ms. Joan Rivers] Thank god, Liz. Who did you go down on to get up here? Oh, yeah, that’s right. Everybody.

[Cut to everybody. Everyone is laughing.]

Ms. Joan Rivers: Look at there. I’m killing with Ben Franklin over here.

[Cut to Ben Franklin laughing.]

[Cut to everybody]

Hey, Ben! Where did you get that outfit? Forever SasheerFreddie MercuryMs. Joan RiversSasheer? Oh, come on! Ben loves me. Hey, Ben! Something tells me that those bifocals aren’t the only thing bi about you.

[Cut to Ben Franklin laughing hard.]

Ben Franklin: I don’t know what that means.

[Cut to Ms. Joan Rivers]

Ms. Joan Rivers: Speaking of bi, I see you Freddie Mercury. [Cut to Freddie Mercury on his yellow flashy jacket.] You’re so skinny with that hugs mustache. You look like

a gay broom.

Freddie Mercury: You know, wonderful, darling. Wonderful! Mama-mia, mama-mia.

[Cut to Ms. Joan Rivers]

Ms. Joan Rivers: When Freddie died, people were surprised he was gay. Are you serious? You’re so gay, even your teeth aren’t straight.

[Cut to Ben Franklin laughing hard.]

Ben Franklin: I still don’t understand.

[Cut to Ms. Joan Rivers]

Ms. Joan Rivers: So many greats here. So many. Lucille Ball, you’re comedy legend.

[Cut to Lucille Ball]

Lucille Ball: And?

[Cut to Ms. Joan Rivers]

Ms. Joan Rivers: That scene in the candy factory, wasn’t Lucy hilarious in that? Stuffing chocolate in mouth. You stuff more chocolate down your throat than the Kardashians. It’s just–

[Cut to everybody. Everyone is laughing.]

Oh! Grow up! Grow up!

[Cut to Lucille Ball]

Lucille Ball: Well, I knew what’s –[stops speaking]

[Cut to Ms. Joan Rivers]

Ms. Joan Rivers: Listen, people. Comedy is here to make us laugh and to deal with things. So, open the gates. Let me in here. And let’s get this show started. So, thank you. You’re wonderful. Good night.

[Cut to everybody clapping]

Kissing Video Game Characters

Taran Killam

Bret… Bobby Moynihan

Video game girl… Venessa Bayer

Video game boy… Chris Pratt

Sasheer Zamata

Ben… Pete Davidson

Puzzle Wizard… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with some people in the office. They are testing a game.]

Taran: Alright guys, I would say thank you for your time but we’re playing you to play video games. So, maybe you should be thanking me.

Bret: Yeah, my mom said we would get 25 bucks.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: That is correct. Up to $25 in food vouchers. Now, your input is going to help make Puzzle World six the best game possible. So, all we want is your honest first impression, alright? So, Bret, why don’t you start off.

[They start testing the game.]

[Cut to the game. A man and a woman walk in.]

Video game girl: We need your help. The puzzle wizard put a spell on our world.

Video game boy: If you don’t help us solve these puzzles, he’ll destroy all the beloved happiness.

Video game girl: To clear each stage, use the pieces to complete the shape.

Video game boy: We’ll be right here cheering you on.

Video game girl: Ready?

Video game girl and Video game boy: Go for it!

[The puzzle gets solved]

Video game girl: Way to go.

Video game girl and Video game boy: You did it!

[Video game girl and Video game boy start kissing]

[Cut to the testers staring at the game]

[Cut to Video game girl and Video game boy. They start feeling each other’s bodies.]

Video game girl: I feel so safe in your arm.

Video game boy: You are.

[Video game girl jumps off]

Video game girl: Press A for the next puzzle.

[Cut to the testers.]

Taran: That was great. Does anybody have any feedback on that?

[All testers raise their hands.]

Oh, wow. Alright. Bret, go ahead.

[Cut to Bret]

Bret: Okay, those two people just gently kissed for a long time.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Yeah, that doesn’t seem like it goes with this kind of game.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Um, well they’re celebrating your puzzle solving skills. Remember, you’re helping them restore love to their kingdom.

[Cut to Ben]

Ben: But I felt like I saw too much, kind of like, hot tension.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Uh-huh. Well, guys, this is Puzzle World six. Okay? So, we gotta step up the story telling as well as the game play.

[Cut to Bret]

Bret: Okay, well, the game play was like, stupid easy.

[Cut to everybody. Taran is jotting down the point.]

Taran: Stupid easy. Alright, that helps. Great! Why don’t you do the next one?

[Cut to Sasheer. She holds the joystick.]

[Cut to the game.]

Video game girl: Stage two. Complete this shape.

Video game boy: The faster you do it, the more points you get.

Video game girl: Ready?

Video game girl and Video game boy: Go for it!

[The puzzle gets solved]

Video game girl: Way to go.

Video game girl and Video game boy: You did it!

[Video game girl and Video game boy start kissing again. Video game girl starts unbuttoning Video game boy’s shirt.]

Video game boy: No. Please.

Video game girl: What?

Video game boy: I was in a terrible accident. [Video game girl sees a burn in Video game boy’s shoulder] I was in an explosion. I am hideous.

Video game girl: Shh! Shh! You’re beautiful. [Video game girl starts kissing Video game boy’s burn]

[Video game girl and Video game boy look forward]

Video game girl: Great job!

Video game boy: You got serious puzzle power.

[Cut to the testers]

Sasheer: How many levels are in this game?

Taran: Uh, fifty-five. So, we better get going. Ben, jump in here.

[Cut to Ben. He holds the joystick.]

Ben: Oh, man!

[Cut to the game]

Video game girl: Stage three. Go.

[Video game girl starts talking to Video game boy]

You have to leave.

Video game boy: What? Why?

Video game girl: You know why. I am married.

[Cut to Ben]

Ben: Ah! Their relationship drama is blocking the puzzle. I can’t play. I can’t play the game.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Shh! [He is eating popcorn while watching the game.]

[Cut to the testers]

Bret: Ah! Okay! Okay! Enough! Enough! Quit the game. Quit the game.

[Cut to Video game girl and Video game boy]

Video game girl and Video game boy: Oh, no! Game over.

[Puzzle Wizard walks in]

Puzzle Wizard: Evil wins, fools! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to the testers]

Taran: Um, excuse me Bret. We still have like Video game girl more hours of testing. That’s gonna go pretty slow if you keep quitting the game.

Bret: I don’t care. You can keep the $25. I just can’t take anymore of that.

Taran: What?

[Cut to Video game boy and Puzzle Wizard holding Video game girl together.]

Booty Rap

Vanessa Bayer

Alberta… Cecily Strong

Sheryl… Aidy Bryant

Sasheer Zamata

Chris Pratt

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Bobby Moynihan

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with ladies sitting in a restaurant.]

Vanessa: I am so happy we came out tonight.

Alberta: Girl’s night.

Everybody: Woo!

Sheryl: Um, oh my god! Look at that guy. [Cut to four men on bar booth.]

Vanessa: Oh, he’s cute, Sheryl.

Sasheer: You should go talk to him.

Sheryl: Gosh, I could never. Like, what would I even say?

Alberta: Oh, come on! You’ve seen music videos and movies. You know how to flirt.

Sheryl: Gosh, you’re right Alberta. I’m gonna go.

[Sheryl walks to Todd]

Hi.

Todd: Hi.

Sheryl: I’m Sheryl. I don’t know how to do this. I’m nervous I guess.

[Sheryl starts to rap]

I’m hot, sticky, gooey and I’m ready to pop
po-put my gushy on your tushy and then spin on the top
with my big fat ass
you know you want it, it’s my big fat ass

Okay, bye.

[Sheryl runs to her friends.]

Was that okay? How was that?

Alberta: You seemed very horny and loud.

Sheryl: That’s good, right?

Vanessa: I think so.

Sheryl: I just– I wish I knew what he was thinking.

[Cut to the men at the bar booth]

Beck: That girl’s so into you. Go back and talk to her.

Todd: Dude, you know me. I don’t know how.

Kyle: Just be confident, like all the guys you see, in that swag.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Alright, I’ll give it a shot.

[Todd walks to Sheryl]

Hi.

Sheryl: Hey!

Todd: Gosh! I’m so nervous.

Sheryl: Me too.

Todd: You know, I just have to tell you, you make me feel like…

[Todd starts to rap]

dang, girl, I wanna bang that thing
bang, did you go insane?
Go to plow through your panties
like I’m running on diesel
when I open up my jeans
say “Pop goes the weasel”
Pop, pop, goes the weasel
pop, pop, pop, goes the weasel

Alright, bye.

[Todd walks back to his friends]

Bobby: Hey, Todd. Hey, did you just say, ‘Plow through your panties like I’m running on diesel?’

Todd: I guess so.

Bobby: What does that mean?

Todd: I guess, like, I’mma truck that speed through her panties.

Kyle: Wow, really great. Girls love that.

[Cut to the ladies]

Sheryl: And then he told me that he would open his jeans and then I’d say, “Pop goes the weasel.”

Alberta: Very cool, Sheryl.

Sasheer: Go back over there and talk to him.

Sheryl: Okay.

[Sheryl walks to Todd]

Todd: So.. urgh! Tell me about yourself.

Sheryl: Okay. Well I went to Wesley and I double majored in women studies.

[Sheryl starts to rap]

And my big fat ass, ba-ba-ba-ba-big fat ass
oh, my god! Look at my ass
Look-look-look at my ass
ba-ba-ba-ba-big fat ass.

What about you? Like, what kind of girls you’re into? You know?

Todd: Um, I guess it’s tough. I guess I’d say I like girls who…

[Todd starts to rap]

drop the ass low, shut the hell up
drop the ass low, shut the hell up
free-free-free-free

You know, I mean, that kind of stuff.

Sheryl: Yeah, that sounds neat.

[Sheryl runs to her friends]

Guys, he said he like girls who shut the hell up.

Alberta: That’s not good, Sheryl. You’re a feminist.

[Cut to Vanessa and Kate]

Kate: But he also mentioned asses and you have one of those.

Vanessa: Am I the only one who thinks Sheryl is hitting the ass stuff a little too hard?

[Cut to the ladies]

Sheryl: But honestly, like, what else do girls even say?

Sasheer: Talk about your family.

Sheryl: Okay.

[Sheryl walks to Todd]

So, I have one brother.

[Sheryl starts to rap]

He’s nine year’s Mikey and he looks like a Viking
he’s got some junker in his trunker so they say he look like me
because I got a big fat ass

[Alberta comes in]

Alberta: Chill! You’re back on the ass stuff again.

Sheryl: Okay.

[Alberta leaves]

Why don’t you tell me more about you?

Todd: [rapping] My name’s Todd and I like that bob
when I bounce that bubble on a curtain raw
when I put at them biscuits, clap them
we can smoke some crack
crack-crack-crack-crack everybody.

[Bobby comes in]

Bobby: Hey, Todd. You’re not gonna smoke crack with this lady, are you?

Todd: Is that what I said?

Bobby: Yeah!

[Bobby walks away]

Sheryl: Listen, Todd. I just I want you to know that, um, I’m down to…

[Sheryl starts to rap]

flirt and slurp,
I know you like it when I flurt my wurp

Todd: What were those words?

Sheryl: I don’t know. I just like you a lot.

Todd: Ow, would you like to go on a date sometime?

Sheryl: Oh, ya. I’d love to. I’ll make sure I’ll bring my

[Sheryl starts to rap]

big fat ass
and I will pump it like a…

[all the ladies and gentlemen join by dancing]

Sheryl and Todd: Yeah, yeah, yeah!

The Arguing Couple

Chris Rock

Uber driver… Bobby Moynihan

Nicole… Leslie Jones

Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with Chris walking in his hall where the TV is playing]

Chris: Be there in a minute. Man, she left the TV on and she ain’t even here. Scandal, hmph! The scandal is how hot this election’s going to be. Alright.

[Door bell ringing]

Be right there.

[Chris opens the door. Uber driver walks in.]

Uber driver: You called Uber car? I’ve been here like Chris0 minutes.

Chris: Nicole! Cab’s here. Come on! We’re going to miss the show.

[Cut to Nicole walking in in her robe]

Nicole: I just got out the shower.

[Cut to Chris and Uber driver]

Wpeaker Chris: Who calls Uber and then gets in the shower?

[Cut to Nicole]

Nicole: If I take a shower too soon, then I get dirty again before its time for us to leave.

[Cut to Chris and Uber driver]

Chris: What are you? A bat catcher for the Yankees? Why are you attracting so much dirt? Are you a human swiffer?

[Cut to Nicole]

Nicole: Don’t embarrass me in front of a stranger. [raising her voice] Don’t embarrass me in front of strangers.

[Cut to everybody.]

[Nicole talking to Uber driver]

We’ll be out in a minute, okay sir?

Uber driver: Okay, can I use your bathroom?

[Cut to Nicole]

Nicole: Hell, no. All this ebola going around. I don’t know you?

[Cut to Chris and Uber driver. Uber driver walks out and shuts the door.]

Chris: Hey! Why do you want to pay extra for Uber? If we need an umemployed weirdo to drive us around, I’d just call your cousin James.

[Cut to Nicole]

Nicole: Because Uber is the new thing. But you wouldn’t know about that because you ain’t got no new stuff. All you got is them CDs.

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: When the government shuts down the cloud, I’mma have Luther.

[Cut to Nicole walks away, and in a while she walks back.]

Nicole: I just got accepted I’m a young thing. [Cut to Chris and Nicole] I’m a young sweet thing with a old fashioned husband.

Chris: You ain’t got accepted for nothing. And if you need to get to step it, you need to get to step it. That’s what I’m saying.

Nicole: I’mma get to step it with every penny in this house coming with me.

Chris: Hey, this house is in my name woman. And you’re just an extended guest. You understand? Common law.

Nicole: I will burn it down before I let you have it.

Chris: I’ll give you a match if you think you got it in you.

Nicole: Oh, I dream about it. I will liso-lefta-lopez this bitch to the ground. Did you order the tickets online?

Chris: I’m not giving out my credit card number online to somebody in India so they can steal my identity.

Nicole: Nobody in India wants to be a cheap lazy bastard who snores all night.

[Nicole walks away]

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: Oh, now I’m cheap! What do you do with your money? All you buy is shoes and weaves. I bet if you could show them tickets to your hair you’re buying. You like this tie?

Nicole: Not the blue tie.

[Chris pulls his tie tight]

Ay! Stop acting like you’re killing yourself. Don’t take that pleasure from me.

[Chris takes off the blue tie and picks up a red one]

Chris: Stop telling me what to do, woman. You’re not my mother.

[Cut to Nicole walking in with her dress on.]

Nicole: You damn right I’m not. What did that woman do to you?

[Cut to Chris and Nicole]

Chris: What did she do to me? I’ll tell you what she did to me. She cooked, she cleaned, the only thing she ever did wrong was lie to me and tell me I’d find a woman of my dreams.

Nicole: You know how I found you? I was looking for a lump in my breasts, and there you was.

[Sasheer walks in]

Sasheer: [yelling] Stop it! Just stop it. [Cut to Sasheer] What’s wrong with you? All you do is argue. You hate each other. Break up for god sake. Just get a divorce.

[Sasheer walks out]

[Cut to Chris and Nicole]

Chris: She ain’t never gonna get a man with an attitude like that.

Nicole: I keep trying to talk to her but she just tones me out.

Chris: Well, let’s not let her ruin our anniversary.

Nicole: Happy anniversary, baby.

[Chris and Nicole kiss and hug]

[Chris grabs his jacket and opens the door]

Nicole: Let me go out first.

[Chris makes way for Nicole]

How’s He Doing with Chris Rock

Host… Kenan Thompson

Ronnie Williams… Jay Pharoah

Natalie Dickerson… Sasheer Zamata

Denice London… Leslie Jones

Kevin Michael Jakes… Chris Rock

[Starts with intro of “How’s He Doing?”]

[Cut to Host]

Host: Welcome to “How’s He Doing?” The show where the black voter takes a frank honest look at president Obama and asks, “How’s he doing?” You’re watching this because it’s too early for football but too late for church. Well, the mid term elections are on Tuesday. And it doesn’t look good for the president. Since we last checked, Obama’s approval rating has dropped by 5 points to hit a record low of 41%. But even worse than that, the president’s approval rating among black voters has dropped 7 points, all the way down to 92%. Joining me to discuss this dip, is our unbiased panel. Ronnie Williams is a writer for Everyday magazine.

[Cut to Ronnie Williams shaking his head]

[Cut to Host]

Host: Natalie Dickerson is a senior editor for black voices on the Hovinton post.

[Cut to Natalie Dickerson smiling and waving]

[Cut to Host]

Host: Denice London is a cultural critic from Vibe.

[Cut to Denice London]

[Cut to Host]

Host: And Kevin Michael Jakes, host to show called “Shaking my head” on serious FM’s new ‘Um-um’ channel.

[Cut to Kevin Michael Jakes just staring at the camera]

Kevin Michael Jakes: Good to be here.

[Cut to everybody]

Host: All right, well the main terms are looking bleak. [Cut to Host] Republicans are likely going to take the senate. And many Americans have been disappointed with the president’s handling of the ebola crisis, immigration and ISIS. So, I’m asking. For real. Should we have voted for Mitt Romney?

[Cut to everybody. Everybody laughs.]

[Cut to Host]

Host: Hell no. [laughing] Hell no. Come on now. Ay, come on! You heard me. I even said, “For real” that time. Oh! I do love to laugh in the morning. But seriously, people don’t think that president is doing enough about ebola.

[Cut to Ronnie Williams and Natalie Dickerson]

Ronnie Williams: Okay, look. One American had died from ebola. One. Okay? Kim Kardashain has claimed more black victims than ebola. Come on, now.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Yeah, but still it is scary.

[Cut to Natalie Dickerson]

Natalie Dickerson: Well, then be safe. Why people keep talking about how they are afraid to catch disease while they’re kissing their dog on the mouth?

[Cut to Host]

Host: Oh, they love doing that.

[Cut to Denice London and Kevin Michael Jakes]

Denice London: I know how you got ebola. From the pitbull you rescued from the land field.

Kevin Michael Jakes: Why are people so proud about a dog they got for free? You don’t hear me bragging about the cologne I rescued from this magazine.

[Cut to Host]

Host: You don’t, you really don’t. Um-umm. Moving on. Many people are saying that Obama wasn’t prepared for the rise of ISIS. We seem to cast administration by surprise.

[Cut to Natalie Dickerson]

Natalie Dickerson: You can’t blame the president for being distracted. He’s got people running into his house.

[cut to Kevin Michael Jakes]

Kevin Michael Jakes: How are these people getting into the White House so easy? The president of the United States should have better security than Taye Diggs. I mean, run in the R. Kelly’s yacht and see what happens.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Absolutely. Absolutely. Alright, let’s move on to What Would It Take? Our weekly segment where we ask what would it take for Barack Obama to lose your support? Would the president lose your support if he radically changed his hairstyle?

[Cut to Ronnie Williams]

Ronnie Williams: Depends on hairstyle.

[Cut to Host]

Host: A Jerry curl.

[Cut to Kevin Michael Jakes]

Kevin Michael Jakes: He could bring a Jerry curl back. I mean, Icecube made some of his best albums with a Jerry curl.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Okay. Dreadlocks.

[Cut to Ronnie Williams and Natalie Dickerson]

Ronnie Williams: Uh-huh. You mean like clean style dreadlocks, right? Like Larry Fitzgerald?

[Cut to Host]

Host: No, no. I’m talking about three thick dirty dreadlocks for his entire head.

[Cut to Denice London and Kevin Michael Jakes]

Denice London: Oh, no!

Kevin Michael Jakes: Hell, no! Any man above Denice London0 with dreadlocks better have a PhD.

[Cut to Host]

Host: So he loses your vote?

[Cut to Kevin Michael Jakes]

Kevin Michael Jakes: No!

[Cut to Host]

Host: All right, well next. Sasha and Maliya talk back to Barack in public and he does nothing.

[Cut to Denice London]

Denice London: Okay, um, he probably whoop him after company leaves, right?

[Cut to Host]

Host: He does not whoop them. He does not do anything.

[Cut to Kevin Michael Jakes]

Kevin Michael Jakes: Okay, but- but he gave them the look, right? I mean, sometimes all you need is the look.

[Cut to Host]

Host: He did not give them the look. He looks down and away.

[Cut to Ronnie Williams]

Ronnie Williams: Well, I mean they’re nice young ladies. So, I’m sure whatever they said wasn’t that bad.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Barack said, “Y’all get up to bed now.” And they said, “Shut up, bitch! We watching scandal.”

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Oh, hell no!

[cut to Natalie Dickerson]

Natalie Dickerson: I’m sorry. You cannot have your kids talk to you that way. You are the president. You need to command respect.

[cut to Host]

Host: So, does he lose your vote?

[Cut to Natalie Dickerson]

Natalie Dickerson: He does not.

[Cut to Host]

Host: There we go. That’s today’s show. Join us next time when we ask, “First MPD, guilty or incredibly guilty?” I’ll ball with incredibly guilty.

[Ends with outro]

Dance Vlog

Janelle… Sasheer Zamata

Teddy Pascalis… Kyle Mooney

Dad… Chris Rock

Michael… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with Jannele starting her youtube video]

Janelle: What’s up YouTube? It’s your girl Janelle, A.K.A. Nasty-nelle, A.K.A. Janelle. And I’m pumped to bring you my Dad00th dance tutorial. Shoutout to whoever started that countdown to my Janelle8th birthday. Don’t know what that’s about but whatever. We’re live streaming today, so holla at me in the comment section. And holla at my best friend, he’s one of my day ones. His name is Teddy Pascalis, A.K.A. Pants Gets Wets.

Teddy Pascalis: Nobody calls me that anymore.

Janelle: Yes they do. Anyway, we’re gonna learn the Nae Nae today. A move that came from early African dance, or Miley Cyrus.

[Teddy Pascalis walks in front of the camera]

Teddy Pascalis: Yes, and just so you guys know, dancing is one of my biggest fears. Right after spiders and my older brother Dyan. But I’ll do it for you. [stares at Janelle] I’ll do anything for you.

Janelle: [not noticing] I know, you say it everyday. Okay, [music starts] in order to Nae Nae, [Janelle and Teddy Pascalis stand to dance] you gotta put one arm up like this, right? Teddy, put a little higher. Now, start moving your hips. It’s real easy. All right, get in there. [Janelle is dancing but Teddy Pascalis is just moving his body.]

[Dad opens the door and enters the room]

Dad: Hey, hey, Janelle. You’re Janelle5 now. You cannot have the door closed. And there’s a boy in your room. Dad! Oh my god! [music stops] He’s not a boy. He’s just Teddy.

Teddy Pascalis: Yeah.

Janelle: Can you please leave? It’s live streaming.

Dad: Oh, I’m not going anywhere. Your brother told me you’re up here dancing on the internet.

[Michael peeking from the door]

Michael: I did. I told on you. Ooh! You in trouble. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Dad: Michael! Go sweep the driveway.

Michael: Dad! That’s not even a real chore.

Dad: What’s all this?

Janelle: Those are my fans, dad. They are just commenting on the video.

Dad: Okay. [Dad comes close to the computer] Who is Nuggettugget9-5, and why is he saying, “#woodbang”? What the hell is fap? I’m fapping. She makes me wanna fap. Michael! [Michael runs in] What’s fap mean?

Michael: Um, it’s what you caught me doing in my bedroom and we still haven’t talked about it.

[Michael runs out]

Dad: What? Hey, no fapping!

Janelle: Dad, you’re embarrassing me in front of my just my friend.

Teddy Pascalis: I love you.

Janelle: Argh! Dad, can I just finish doing the Nae Nae?

[Janelle starts dancing a little]

Dad: That’s too grown!

Janelle: Okay fine. I’ll show you guys the copperhead. It’s easy. It’s like a standing push up. I barely even move.

Dad: I’m watching you.

[Janelle is showing how to do the copperhead]

Teddy! Keep your hands out of pockets!

Janelle: Okay, let’s try with the music. [music starts and Janelle starts the move]

[Janelle starts to shake her butt turning back]

Dad: No, no, no, no! [Dad runs to the computer and starts pressing random buttons on the keyboard.]

Janelle: Dad!

Dad: What’s happening? [He turned the video black & white]

Janelle: Dad! You’re changing the filter. Dad! Stop it!

Dad: Janelle. Either you don’t realize how much your body has matured over the summer, or you’re literally trying to kill me.

Janelle: Dad, there’s nothing sexy about that dance.

Dad: Oh, yeah? Teddy, stand up!

[Teddy is sitting with a pillow covering his lap to stomach.]

Teddy Pascalis: No, thank you sir.

Janelle: What dance am I supposed to do, dad? This is a dance vlog, and it means everything to me.

Dad: Okay, I’ll show you what dancing is. Put on some song.

[Janelle plays a music]

[Dad looking at the camera] No fapping!

[Dad starts dancing]

See Janelle? This is dancing. Whoo! [Janelle starts dancing like her dad] Get it! There you go!

[Janelle slowly starts moving her body differently and then dances her own dance.]

Hey! Hey! Stop it!

Janelle: I can’t help it, dad. This is what my body wants to do.

Dad: Do you want me to send you to Catholic school?

Janelle: Oh, my god! Dad! You ruined this for my 3 million viewers. I hate you.

[Janelle walks out]

Dad: 3 million? Teddy go home.

Teddy Pascalis: Still not a great time for me to stand up sir.

Dad: Oh, Teddy! [looking at the computer] How do you turn this thing off?

[Dad presses a button and changes the filter again.]

Ha-ha-ha-ha. I look crazy. The show is over.

[Live stream on YouTube ends.]