Tag: Sasheer Zamata

Funk by James Brown

James Brown… Kevin Hart

Dave… Kenan Thompson

Steve… Taran Killam

Robbie… Bobby Moynihan

Ricki… Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Jay Pharoah

Samantha… Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with a band on a stage in 1971]

James Brown: Hey! Yeah, I wanna get up and do my thing.

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: I wanna get up and do my thing.

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Can I count it all?

Band: Count it all.

James Brown: Can I count it all?

Band: Count it all.

James Brown: One, two, three, four.

[band starts playing music.]

[singing] Get up

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Get up

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Stay on the scene

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Like a sex machine

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Hey, now wait a minute. Should we get all funky?

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Ay! Ah! I said, should we get more funky?

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Now, before we get funky, I need to hear from each person individual.

Dave: Why?

James Brown: Well, I just wanna make sure I’m making the right decision, you know. Hey! Should we get more funky, Steve?

[Cut to Steve, Robbie and Ricki playing their instruments]

Steve: Yes!

[Cut to James Brown]

James Brown: Hey! Yeah! Okay, that’s one. What about you, Robbie?

[Cut to Steve, Robbie and Ricki playing their instruments]

Robbie: Yeah!

[Cut to James Brown]

James Brown: Ha-ha-ha, fantastic. We’re halfway to funk-town people. Ay! Ricki, should we get more funky?

[Cut to Ricki is nodding his head yes.]

[Cut to James Brown]

That’s not good enough, Ricki. I need a verbal commitment.

[Cut to Ricki]

Ricki: Okay, yes.

[Cut to James Brown and Dave]

James Brown: Thank you. Ay, Dave, should we get more funky?

Dave: I don’t know.

James Brown: You don’t know? What don’t you know, Dave?

Dave: I don’t know if I wanna get more funky than this.

[Cut to Kyle playing bass guitar]

Kyle: Yeah, I think we’re pretty good. We’re at funk-wise.

[Cut to Robbie.]

Robbie: Yeah, man. I mean, this is fun right now.

[Cut to James Brown and Dave. Jay is playing drums at the back.]
James Brown: Okay, so wait a minute. Hold on. Hold on. So, y’all don’t want to get more funky?

Dave: I mean, should we get more funky?

James Brown: Wait, what are you doing? I ask the questions.

Jay: Ay, I got a question

James Brown: Wait, what did I just say?

Jay: Hey, how come you’re the only one that get a cape?

Dave: Yeah, why don’t we all get capes?

James Brown: Coz if we all get capes, who’s gonna bring out the cape?

Dave: Maybe Samantha can bring out the capes.

James Brown: What? Samantha! You wanna bring out the capes?

[Cut to Lorraine and Samantha rocking her body to the music.]

Samantha: I’m not bringing out no damn capes.

[Cut to James Brown, Dave and Jay]

James Brown: Well, that settles cap thing. Hey!

[singing] Get up

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Get up

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Stay on the scene

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Like a sex machine

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Ay! Now, should we take it to the bridge?

Band: Yes.

James Brown: I said, should we take it to the bridge?

Band: Yes.

James Brown: Steve, bridge?

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: No!

[Cut to James Brown and Dave]

James Brown: Wait, just a flat no? Okay, I just heard you said ‘yeah’ with everybody else. What about you? Ay! Lauren, should we take it to the bridge?

[Cut to Lorraine and Samantha]

Lorraine: It’s Lorraine.

James Brown: Lorraine? Since when?

[Cut to Lorraine and Samantha]

Lorraine: Tuesday. I got married. [showing her ring]

[Cut to James Brown and Dave]

James Brown: You got married and you changed your first name? Hey! Hey, well, you know what? I don’t want to take it to the bridge no more.

Band: What?

James Brown: Yeah, I don’t wanna. This song says three words for about 20 minutes. You know what? I’m hungry. You guys hungry?

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Should we get the chicken prawn?

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Hah! So that’s 10 chicken prawn.

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Lorraine, you want the chicken prawn?

[Cut to Lorraine and Samantha]

Lorraine: With mustard.

[Cut to James Brown and Dave]

James Brown: With mustard? Who wants mustard on a chicken prawn?

Dave: I do.

James Brown: Okay, fine. So, that’s 10 chicken prawns with mustard.

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Hey, now can I hit it to quit it?

Dave: I don’t know, James. Can you?

James Brown: May I, okay. May I hit it to quit it.

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Wait, so if I stop singing, you all gonna stop playing?

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Coz I don’t wanna stop singing, then you all keep playing. Then one thinks I made a mistake.

Dave: That’s not gonna happen dude.

James Brown: Okay, hit me!

[the band stops playing]

[still singing] stay on the scene…

Dammit! I’m sorry guys. I’m sorry. That’s my bad. Chicken prawn.

Amy Adams monologue with Kristen Wiig

Amy Adams

Kate McKinnon

Bobby Moynihan

Taran Killam

Sasheer Zamata

Kenan Thompson

Kristen Wiig

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Amy Adams.

[Amy Adams walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Amy Adams: Thank you. Thank you so much. It is so wonderful to be here hosting the SNL Christmas show. Christmas is the best time in New York. It is the best. And it has been so great having my four year old daughter here with me, and seeing it all through her eyes. And, if you have kids, you just have to go down to Time Square and meet Christmas Elmo. and if you’re lucky, he’s gonna take his head off and ask you for a cigarette.

But, no, honestly, this is my favorite time of year and just with all of the crazy stuff going on in the world lately, I just– I think we could use a little holiday cheer.

[piano playing]

So,

[singing] Haul out the holly;
Put up the tree before my spirit falls again.
Fill up the stocking,
I may be rushing things, but deck the halls again now.

[Kate McKinnon and Bobbly Moynihan join Amy Adams]

Amy Adams, Kate McKinnon and Bobby Moynihan: For we need a little Christmas
Right this very minute,

[Kate McKinnon and Bobby Moynihan leaves. Taran Killam and Sasheer Zamata come in]

Amy Adams, Taran Killam and Sasheer Zamata:Candles in the window,
Carols at the spinet.
Yes, we need a little Christmas

[Taran Killam and Sasheer Zamata leave. Kenan Thompson comes in and throws snow over Amy Adams and himself.]

Amy Adams: Aw, thanks you guys.

[four men dressed like reindeers bring in Kristen Wiig carrying her horizontally in a line.]

Oh, my god! Kristen Wiig.

[cheers and applause]

Kristen Wiig: Okay, guys, I need you to set me down gently like we talked about. I need a lot of support on my back side. Yes, more support. More. Okay.

Amy, you guys are kidding, right? I mean that’s all the holiday cheer you guys have? Kenan throwing a handful of fake snow at the camera?

Kenan Thompson: Hey, I like how I did it.

[Kenan Thompson throws the snow again]

Amy Adams: Kristen. I am so, so happy to see you, but isn’t this the second time you crashed my monologue?

Kristen Wiig: I’m not crashing. I have just showed up uninvited. Oh, Amy, okay, your song was really great but we need to get a little more energy. You know, these people are Christmased out! You gotta give them some flash, you know. Some sizzle. You gotta give them like, [giving a pose] pow! And then you gotta give them like, [giving two more poses] pow, pow. Now, you try.

Amy Adams: [giving poses] Pow, pow.

Kristen Wiig: That’s pretty good! There you go. Um, can someone please give me my glitter microphone?

[Someone passes her the mic.]

Thank you Mariah Carey.

Amy Adams: That was Mariah Carey?

Kristen Wiig: Yes, but I really don’t wanna make this about her. This is about us.

Amy Adams: Well, I thought that this was about Christmas.

[drums rolling]

Kristen Wiig: [singing] Coz we need a lot of Christmas
right this very minute
the candles are on the randles
and sushi’s in a barrel
penguin in the oven

[Amy Adams stops Kristen Wiig]

Amy Adams: Those are not the words.

Kristen Wiig: It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter what the words are. That’s my point. It’s how you feel. It’s how you make people feel. Now, get in the Christmas spirit and dance with my Christmas song.

[four men dressed like reindeers come in and start dancing. Kristen Wiig leaves and Amy Adams starts dancing with the reindeers.]

[the reindeers carry Amy Adams on their shoulders.]

Amy Adams: Oh, wow! Oh, this is pretty good. [dancing] Oh, this is really good.

[the reindeers leave and Kristen Wiig walks in. Kristen Wiig has a hat that looks like top of Christmas tree.]

Kristen Wiig: Guys, we need a little music
need a little laughter

Amy Adams and Kristen Wiig: Need a little singing
riding through the rafter

[Kristen Wigg is trying to do legs split.]

Kristen Wiig: We need Christmas
We need Christmas

Amy Adams: Okay, stop! Stop! Just stop! Kristen Stop.

[Kristen Wiig is in pain]

Just stop. I really appreciate what you’re doing and that you’re trying to help me, but Christmas isn’t about all of this flashy stuff. It’s about family and friends and being together.

[piano playing]

[singing] We need a little Christmas

Kristen Wiig: Yeah, I want all the stuff.

Amy Adams: Right this very minute.

[Amy Adams removes Kristen Wiig’s Christmas tree hat.]

Kristen Wiig: No, not my hat.

Amy Adams: Candles in the window

Kristen Wiig: My shakers.

Amy Adams: Carols at the spinet.

[Amy Adams points at Kristen Wiig’s breasts and asks to give the cutlets to her.]

Come on!

Kristen Wiig: Argh!

[Kristen Wiig hands them over to Amy Adams]

Amy Adams: Oh, thee are hot! These are hot!

Kristen Wiig: Yeah, those are hot. But, you know what? You’re right.

Amy Adams and Kristen Wiig: We need a little Christmas
right this very minute

[drums rolling]

It hasn’t snowed a single flurry,
But Santa, dear, we’re in a hurry;

Amy Adams: Come on!

[Kate McKinnon, Bobby Moynihan, Taran Killam, Sasheer Zamata and Kenan Thompson join them]

Everybody: So climb down the chimney;
Put up the brightest string of lights I’ve ever seen.

[Dancers with Christmas outfit walk in and dance]
Slice up the fruitcake;
It’s time we hung some tinsel on that evergreen bough.
For we need a little Christmas
Right this very minute,
Need a little Christmas now

[confetti drop]

[cheers and applause]

Amy Adams: Thank you. We’ve got a great show. One Direction is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

[music playing]

[cheers and applause]

Weekend Update Sasheer Zamata

Colin Jost

Sasheer Zamata

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Tech companies Google and Apple have recently been criticized for their lack of diversity in the workforce. Here to talk about is our own Sasheer Zamata.

[Sasheer Zamata slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Sasheer Zamata: Wow. Colin, if you want evidence of Tech companies’ lack of diversity, just look at your phone. [Cut to Sasheer Zamata] There are over 800 emojis available on Apple products, and not one of them is of a black person.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Sasheer Zamata]

Colin Jost: Wait a second, you’re saying there’s not one black emoji?

Sasheer Zamata: Not one. So, if I wanna refer to myself with an emoji, this is what I have to use. [A picture o black moon with a face emoji appears.]

Colin Jost: Like, a dark moon?

Sasheer Zamata: Um-hmm. Yeah, that’s the closest thing they have. It looks like a baby Charles Barkley. [Cut to Sasheer Zamata] Unicode, the company that creates emojis thought that instead of one black person, we needed two different kinds of dragons, nine different cat faces, three generations of a white family and all the hands are white too. Even the black power fist is white. But on the plus side, they do have [A picture of a ghost emoji appears. He has one black eye.] KKK member that got punched in the face.

I have figured out how to convey other black experiences using emojis that we do have. So, take a look at this.

[car emoji + cop car emoji + torch light emoji = clock emoji, sad face emoji]

Colin Jost: Okay.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Sasheer Zamata and Michael Che]

Yeah, now what’s that?

Sasheer Zamata: Okay, Michael. What do you see?

Michael Che: Oh, it’s easy. You got pulled over, the cops are searching your car and you’re gonna be late.]

Sasheer Zamata: Exactly.

[Cut to Sasheer Zamata]

Yeah. And then I used this one to tell my friend that [dark moon emoji + car emoji, taxi emoji, blue car emoji, truck emoji, lorry emoji+ hourglass emoji, square emoji, mic speaker emoji + deaf monkey emoji, blind monkey emoji, mute monkey emoji] I stopped traffic in Time Square protesting the Grand Jury.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Sasheer Zamata]

Colin Jost: Got you. Yes, I gotta say, I really don’t like it when you use that dark moon.

Sasheer Zamata: That’s all I got. And my friend responded with [cop emoji + crying emoji + smoke emoji = running emoji] if the police start using tear gas, run. And then I responded with this.[bowling emoji]

[Cut to Colin Jost, Sasheer Zamata and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Wait, you asked her to go bowling?

Sasheer Zamata: No, I was telling her that the police were question our friend DaQuan.

Michael Che: Yes, you see those three white pins are the cops. And that ball is DaQuan. DaQuan is big.

[Cut to Sasheer Zamata]

Sasheer Zamata: Yeah. Here’s the actual photo of what DaQuan looked like at the time.

[Cut to a picture of bald Kenan taking a selfie  and there are three white cops behind him. And there is the bowling emoji at left side of the picture. It looks simiar.]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Sasheer Zamata]

Colin Jost: Yeah, that’s DaQuan. SaSheer Zamata, everyone!

[cheers and applause]

Sump’n Claus

Jay Phroah

Pete Davidson

Sump’n Claus… Kenan Thompson

Two girls… Cecily Strong, Sasheer Zamata

Sheila… Venessa Bayer

Kyle Mooney

Marcus… Martin Freeman

Beck Bennett

[Starts with Jay sitting on a couch when Pate walks in]

Jay: Hey, what’s up man? How was the concert?

Pate: It sucked. Me and my buddies got busted for drinking in the parking lot. Santa’s not bringing me anything this year.

Jay:  Ah! Don’t worry about it man! You always get a visit from Sump’n Claus.

Pate: Who’s that?

[Cut to Sump’n Claus book. The book opens.]

[Cut to Sump’n Claus walking with two women behind him]

[music playing]

Sump’n Claus: [rapping] Yeah! Everybody get Sump’n
everybody getting Sump’n

Two women: Everybody’s been naughty
everybody’s got flaws
if you’ve been cross off Santa’s list
here come’s Sump’n Claus

Sump’n Claus: [rapping] Was a girl name Sheila

[Cut to Sheila decorating her Christmas tree.]

had a meet with a man

[Cut to Kyle]

They were supposed to go to dinner

[Cut to Sheila and Kyle arguing]

but he had other plans
he said she was dominating
tried to take her diamond earrings
said that she was profiteering
soon he would be mis-appearing
she got mad, was on fire
took a knife inside his tyres
boom and boom, guns in fire
Santa said you no longer qualify-ya
But you know what I said?

[Cut to Sheila being sad, but Sump’n Claus slides in and gives her money.]

Everybody’s getting Sump’n
Everybody’s getting Sump’n

and I’m not talking about no toys

I give cash.

white envelope filled with 20s, sometimes 50s. Cash! And where am I getting this cash? Hey, man. We don’t need to talk about that.

[Cut to the girls singing and dancing]

The girls: Everybody’s been naughty
everybody’s got flaws
if you’ve been cross off Santa’s list
here come’s Sump’n Claus

Sump’n Claus: Here’s a story about Marcus

[Cut to Marcus at his office]

He’s working for the man

[Cut to Beck yeeling at Marcus]

works super long hours
does everything he can
one day he had all he can handle
threw everything and caused a scandal
broke his computer in the shambles
the mess he made was quite substantial 

[Cut to Marcus attacking Beck and getting arrested]

He got fired, got arrested
cops throw out but we protested
Santa said, “Man, you’ve been rejected”
but you know what I say

[Marcus is leaving office with his stuffs but Sump’n Claus slides in and gives him an envelope filled with cash.]

Everybody’s getting Sump’n
Everybody’s getting Sump’n

Oh, you sweating Santa being mad at you? What you thought y’all was friends? He sees you when you sleeping. That’s weird. I’ma tell you a secret. He hit somebody with that sleighs. Don’t like to talk about it.

[Cut to the girls singing and dancing]

The girls: Everybody’s been naughty
everybody’s got flaws
if you’ve been cross off Santa’s list
here come’s Sump’n Claus

Sump’n Claus: Let me tell you my story
it was a long time ago
I used to work for Santa
up at the North Pole
one day I was working at my station
Mrs. Claus started a conversation
both of us felt a sweet sensation
so we agreed on recreation
brought me inside, made some coco
she served me something so loco
Santa walked in and said, “That’s a no no”
but you know what I said
Everybody’s getting Sump’n
Everybody’s getting Sump’n

[Cut to the girls singing and dancing]

The girls: Everybody’s been naughty
everybody’s got flaws
if you’ve been cross off Santa’s list
here come’s Sump’n Claus

Sump’n Claus: And I’m talking about everybody. Justin Bieber getting Sump’n. Paula Deen getting Sump’n. Donald Sterling getting Sump’n. Suge Knight getting Sump’n. Kevin Bacon is getting Sump’n.

Sasheer: What’s wrong with Kevin Bacon?

Sump’n Claus: Oh, nothing. He’s just my homie.

[Cut to everybody getting Sump’n and being happy.]

Go ahead, be naughty. I got you!

[music stops]

MTV’s Jingle Ballerz A Hip Hop Nativity

Katyler Smyth… Pete Davidson

Rihanna… Sasheer Zamata

Eminem… Taran Killam

Riff Raff… James Franco

Rick Ross… Kenan Thompson

Justin Bieber… Kate McKinnon

Beyoncé… Nicki Minaj

Kanye West… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with MTV’s Jingle Ballerz video bumper.]

[Cut to Katyler Smyth in his set]

Katyler Smyth: Welcome back to Jingle Ballerz, MTV’s biggest holiday party of the year. Once again, I’m your host Katyler Smyth from MTV’s upcoming game show, Drunk or High? I know we’ve had a lot of fun tonight jingling them balls, I mean bells, ha-ha-ha. But its time for us to take a moment and remember the reason for the season. For the first time ever, we present MTV’s Hip Hop Nativity. Please, put your hands together for Rihanna.

[Cut to Rihanna. She has wings on her back.]

[music playing]

Rihanna: I bring you tidings of great joy

Shine bright like a bright star
Jesus lay in the hay
beautiful like the star
three wise men on their way-ay-ay-ay

Ladies and gentlemen, show some love for three wise men, Eminem, Riff Raff and Rick Ross.

[Cut to Eminem, Riff Raff and Rick Ross walking in]

Eminem: [rapping] I had the sense to bring the king Frank
and since in keeper was too intense
said he had no room to rent
so I cut his throat!

Riff Raff: None stop through desert,
bring god some more.
I try to smokie
it didn’t work

Rick Ross: Bringing in gold
making it rain
but most of all
I bring in champagne

Rick Ross!

[Cut to Rihanna]

Rihanna: The three wise men gave their gifts to Baby J. But there wouldn’t be a Baby J without Joseph and his Queen B married. The original team mom, who don’t need no sex to make a child. Ladies and gentlemen, [Cut to everybody. Justin Bieber and Beyonce are also there.] give it up for Justin Bieber and the Virgin Mary, Beyonce.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Justin Bieber and Beyonce]

Justin Bieber: Yo! I’m sorry I had to give birth out here, where all the animals live. I couldn’t afford a hotel room because I’m like, a poor carpenter’s son. I don’t know. You deserve better than this Beyonce.

[Beyonce walks font.]

Beyonce: No, no, no. This moment is not about me. Let everybody have their moment. This moment is about my baby boy. Behold.

[singing] He woke up like this!

Flawless. One day he’ll turn water into wine, and we’ll all be…

[singing] drunk in love.

[Cut to Rihanna]

Rihanna: Glory to god and the highest who will…

[singing] rain on it forever. 

Isn’t that right, Jesus?

[cut to Eminem, Riff Raff and Rick Ross]

[music playing]

Eminem, Riff Raff and Rick Ross: Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

[Cut to everybody]

Kanye West: [rapping] It’s your boy, Yeez-us
and I’m baby Jesus
and I am a god
and my dad is a god
and I am my dad, isn’t that rare
just coz it’s complicated
that doesn’t mean that is bad
Ya! They call me a freak
coz I wrap the weak
scream my name [mumbling]
when I speak
hah!

[Cut to Rihanna]

Rihanna: And that’s exactly how it happened. And 300 years later, he still–

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: [singing] Shines bright like a bright star

Grow-a-Guy

Sasheer Zamata

Clint… Beck Bennett

Venessa Bayer

Trevor… Mike O’Brien

Pete Davidson

Chad… James Franco

[Starts with five friends. They are having camp fire.]

[Everyone is laughing]

Sasheer: That wasn’t even the worst. The worst was when he was walking around with toilet with toilet paper hanging out of the back of his pants all day.

[Cut to everyone laughing]

[Clint is looking at Venessa]

Clint: Check out Trevor. So quiet.

Venessa: Clint!

Trevor: I talked like, a minute ago.

Clint: Bro, can I ask? Are we your only friends?

Trevor: What are you talking about?

Venessa: Clint! Don’t!

Clint: No, no. I’m genuinely asking. I’m helping the guy. Do you have any other friends besides us?

[Cut to Trevor]

Trevor: Um, I’ve got, um… friend named Chad who goes to another school. You wouldn’t know. It’s funny, it’s crap.

Clint: You should bring him up here next weekend.

Trevor: I will. If you want. If it–

[Cut to Trevor in his room walking here and there.]

[Trevor looks at a magazine.]

Trevor: Grow a guy.

[Cut to Trevor unboxing the package.]

[Trevor reads the manual and puts in the formula]

[Trevor is literally growing a person. First in a can, then in a fish bowl.]

[Cut to Trevor smiling]

Trevor: Oh, hello there.

[Cut to Chad in Trevor’s arms looking confused.]

[Chad is crying and feeding like a baby.]

[Trevor is teaching Chad other stuffs.]

Trevor: Wikipesia. These are tweets. This is all Guardians of the Galaxy. Popular movie.

[Cut to the friends camping again.  Chad is also there.]

Clint: Just stick it in there little bit more.

Venessa: Okay, everybody shut up for a second.

[Cut to Clint and Venessa]

I’ve got a game. Alright? Just close your eyes. Okay, you’re gonna thank me. [Cut to everybody closing their eyes.] Now, picture Mr. Douis having sex.

Everybody: Ah!

Pete: What do you guys think like, his dating situation is for real?

[Cut to Trevor and Chad]

Trevor: Genuinely, I’d rather picture him having sex than on a date.

[Everyone laughs]

Venessa: You’re so right, Trevor.

[Cut to Clint and Venessa]

Clint: Hey, Chad. I can see you can drink my beer. Can you talk too?

Venessa: Clint!

Clint: What? I’m genuinely asking.

[Cut to Trevor and Chad]

Chad: I am Groot. That is funny. Guardians!

[Everybody laughing]

I can talk. Hey, what are hashtags?

[Cut to Clint and Venessa]

Clint: Say that again?

[Cut to Trevor and Chad]

Chad: No, I get that they’re to flag a socialble term in your tweet but wouldn’t it work just the same if you didn’t put the number symbol there?

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: What?

[Cut to Trevor and Chad]

Chad: I’m seriously asking.

Trevor: Chad, drop it. It’s nothing.

[Cut to Clint and Venessa]

Clint: Hey, can I ask you something, bro? Are you a grow a guy? Because I’m not super thrilled by the idea of a grow a guy eating my family’s marshmallows at our nice ass lake house. So, I guess I’m curious. Chad? Are you a grow a guy?

[Cut to Trevor and Chad]

Chad: Yes, I am that.

Clint: Yes, I knew it. I win. No other friends!

[Cut to Trevor and Chad]

Trevor: This sucks. God, you don’t even work. I’m throwing you out.

Chad: Actually, you don’t have to do that. We self-destruct.

Trevor: Like how would you–

[Chad bursts]

[Cut to Sasheer and Pete]

Pete: I mean, he kind of did have a point bout the hasntags, right?

[Cut to Clint and Venessa]

Clint: Are you a grow a guy too?

[Cut to Sasheer and Pete. Pete smiles and bursts.]

[cut to Trevor]

Trevor: Guess, he was a grow a guy.

[Cut to Clint and Venessa]

Clint: Yeah! Me too. Peace!

[Clint also bursts]

[Cut to Sasheer, Venessa and Trevor]

Trevor: I guess it’s just me and the ladies.

[Sasheer and Venessa burst too. Trevor is alone.]

Poetry Class with Cameron Diaz

Mrs. Medez… Venessa Bayer

Pete Davidson

Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

Tamra Lake… Cameron Diaz

Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with students and a substitute teacher in class]

Mrs. Medez: Hello everyone. I am your substitute teacher, Mrs. Medez, okay?

[Cut to Mrs. Medez]

School, huh? Let me ask you something. What do you think of when you think of writing poetry? Huh? Lame? Outdated? Studying? Well guess what? Poetry can be pretty cool. Oh! Okay, you know who some of my favorite poets are? I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of them. Taylor Swift, okay. Kanye West, I must say. Eminems, okay.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: It’s Eminem.

[Cut to Mrs. Medez]

Mrs. Medez: I love it, you’re listening. Okay. Now, the point is you can all be poets. Okay? So, your usual teacher asked you to write a poem about something you’re thankful for. And I wrote a thanksgiving poem myself. [Mrs. Medez slowly opens her note] Here it goes.

Turkey dinner, warm, pleasing, pungent
sour cranberry sauce,
sweet yams with sticky marshmallows
savory stuffing and spiced cider
notes of rosemary and cinnamon dance inside my nose
family and friends come together to share laughter,
and of course pumpkin pie

Oh! Okay, now. Who else has a poem about something they’re thankful for?

[Cut to the class]

Aidy: I do.

Mrs. Medez: Okay, great. Come on up.

[Cut to Aidy and Mrs. Medez]

Aidy: Okay. Um, I’m thankful for my stepdad Ron and my poem is called Ron rules.

Mrs. Medez: Great, okay.

Aidy: Ron is hilarious
he wears a t-shirt that looks like a tuxedo
Oh-oh! He fancy!
When we go to Burger King, he says, “I’ll have a whopper, medium, rare”
everybody laughs  and goes crazy
thanks Ron, for being dope

Mrs. Medez: Okay. That was wonderful.

[Cut to the class]

Thank you so much. Does anybody else has a poem?

Kenan: I can do one.

[Kenan walks to the front of the class]

Mrs. Medez: Oh, okay, great. Come on up. Okay.

[Cut to Kenan and Mrs. Medez]

Kenan: Ay, what’s up, y’all? Um, I’m thankful for the show F.R.I.E.N.D.S., so here we go.

Turn of TVs
Oh, snap! F.R.I.E.N.D.S. is on
Ross is a little bitch, but he made me laugh though
Chandler be telling jokes about when Monica was heavy
he don’t give a damn
Joey is a player
he always be asking girls how they doin
Rachael and Monica be hot as hell
but I’d take Phoebe coz she quirky
and I’m a freak

Mrs. Medez: Okay, okay. Thank you, so much. Wow. [Cut to the class] You know, [Cut to Mrs. Medez] I feel like I really know that show now. Okay, great. Okay, guys, I have a special treat, okay? I brought  friend of mine who performs regularly at Wind Catcher Wednesdays, the poetry I hosted at Calypso Coffee down in Franklin street. Okay? Now, please give your snaps to Tamra Lake.

[Tamra Lake walks in. He has dreadlocks.]

Tamra Lake: Hello. Hello.

Mrs. Medez: Now, I asked Tamra to share a poem about something that she’s thankful for. Okay?

Tamra Lake: And I did. This one is called UPS man.

Short sleeves, short shorts, leaves me short of breath
cinnamon skin and a mustache thick as sin
why must you go out when I only want you in
Mr. UPS man, 

[Cut to the students liking it]

[Cut back to Mrs. Medez and Tamra Lake]

each day, you bring goods to those who are waiting
but there is only one package, you’ve got me craving
and it is your’s
Mr. UPS man
Your truck has no doors, but I am open wide
so drive into my tunnel and explore inside
Mr. UPS man

Mrs. Medez: Oh! Okay. Okay. Oh! Okay. Okay.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Did that lady swallow a bicorn?

[Cut to Mrs. Medez]

Mrs. Medez: Um, you know what? Maybe we should stop our poetry unit for today, okay?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: No! No, no, no! This is awesome! Do one about the FedEx guy.

[Cut to Mrs. Medez and Tamra Lake]

Mrs. Medez: Okay, I think that’s all for today. Okay?

[Students chanting “FedEx, FedEx”]

Office Boss with Cameron Diaz

Mitchell… Kenan Thompson

Nancy, Mrs. Patterson… Cameron Diaz

Kendra… Sasheer Zamata

Richard, Mr. Patterson… Beck Bennett

[Starts with a clip of a big house]

Mitchell: Well, thank you so much for having me and my wife over, Mrs. Patterson.

[Cut to Mitchell, Nancy and Kendra at the dining hall]

Nancy: Of course. Anything for my husband’s new CFO.

[Cut to Mitchell and Kendra]

Mitchell: Oh! Well, he hasn’t given me the promotion just yet.

Kendra: Oh, honey, he will. Where is Mr. Patterson anyway? I’m excited to meet him.

[Cut to Nancy]

Nancy: Well, he’s just finishing up some work upstairs. Now, Kendra, there’s three things that you should know about my husband. He’s the most brilliant man that I have ever met. His stories can be a little dry though. And he has the body of a baby.

[Cut to Mitchell, Nancy and Kendra]

Kendra: What’s the third one?

[Cut to Richard sitting on the stairs, moving around his legs.]

Richard: Oh, hi there. Hope everyone brought their appetites.

[Cut to everybody]

Nancy: There is the man at the hour.

[Cut to Richard]

Richard: Be down in just a sec.

[Richard slides down.]

Oopsie daisy! Mitchell, so glad you could finally come over for dinner. Those last quarter of numbers are definitely a cause for celebration.

[Cut to Mitchell and Kendra]

Kendra: Honey, what am I looking at?

Mitchell: You’re looking at the man who’s gonna make me CFO.

[Cut to Nancy]

Nancy: Come join us at the table sweetheart.

[Cut to Richard]

Richard: Yes, ma’am.

[Richard stands up like a baby. He cannot balance on his feet properly.]

Boss man walking.

[He walks like a baby to the table]

Oh! Nancy brought out the good China. [Richard grabs the place in front of him] This was a gift from Warren Buffett.

[Richard starts shaking the plate here and there like a baby then bites the plate.]

[Cut to everybody. Richard passes the plate to Mitchell]

Mitchell: Oh! Thank you.

[Mitchell bites the plate too.]

[Cut to Richard]

Richard: Uh, Mitchell, why are you sucking my plate?

[Cut to Mitchell and Kendra]

Mitchell: I do not have an answer.

Kendra: So, Nancy, how long have you two been married?

[Cut to Nancy and Richard]

Nancy: Well, it will be 10 years in October. Mitchell, has Richard ever told you the story of our engagement?

[Cut to Mitchell and Kendra]

Mitchell: He hasn’t.

Kendra: I actually have a lot of questions about your relationship.

[Cut to Nancy and Richard]

Nancy: Well, Richard and I, we’re in Greece and I just knew he was going to propose.

[Richard starts putting his hand on Nancy’s face]

[Nancy kisses Richard’s hands.]

So, we’re on this beautiful boat cruise. The sun is setting.

[Richard is putting his hand on Nancy’s face again. Nancy blows on Richard’s hand.]

Everything is perfect and he eats the ring.

Richard: I did, I ate it.

Nancy: The next day, I found it on his diapy and I said, “Yes.” Shall we eat?

[Cut to Mitchell and Kendra]

Kendra: Sure, that story made me really hungry.

[Cut to everybody taking their seats.]

Nancy: Go ahead, everybody. Take a seat.

Mitchell: Oh, I’m sorry. It looks like we need one more chair.

[Cut to Richard on a baby walker.]

Richard: No, got my own.

[Richard walks forward on baby walker.]

So, Mitchell, how are we looking for next quarter?

Nancy: Ah! Ah! No, no, no, no! No work at the table. In fact, Richard and I have a bit of an announcement to make.

Richard: That’s right. We’re having a baby.

[Cut to Mitchell and Kendra. They are shocked.]

Kendra: Oh, wow.

Mitchell: For real?

[Cut to Nancy and Richard]

Nancy: I’m excited but nervous. You know, I don’t know anything about being a mom.

[Nancy feeds Richard like she’s feeding a baby making different noises.]

Pup-pup-pup. Yum-yum-yum-yum.

[Cut to Mitchell and Kendra. They are shocked.]

[Cut to Nancy and Richard]

Nancy: Yum-yum-yum-yum. Who’s the good boy? There you go.

Richard: Well, I’m not worried. You’re gonna be a great mother.

Nancy: Aw!

Richard: Come here, you.

[Nancy leans forward for a kiss, but Richard blows on her mouth.]

[Cut to Mitchell and Kendra.]

Mitchell: Could we maybe just do a little toast here? Congratulations.

[Cut to everybody. They all raise their glasses.]

Everybody: A toast.

Richard: Oh! Look at that. [Cut to Nancy and Richard] A lemon. I’ve been meaning to try one of these.

[Richard takes the lemon on his glass and puts it in his mouth, then spits it out.]

Hmm, it’s good. It’s tart.

Nancy: It seems like you don’t like it sweety.

[Cut to Richard. He eats the lemon again and makes funny faces.]

Richard: No, I do. It’s just– It’s strong. Well, you two should probably head out. I’m tired-tired and I wanna go night-night.

[Cut to Mitchell and Kendra]

Kendra: It’s 7:15.

[Cut to Nancy and Richard]

Nancy: I know. That’s very late for him. Okay, Richard, let’s say goodnight. [Nancy stands up] High five, come on.

[Mitchell walks to Richard giving him a palm to high-five on]

Mitchell: High-five, buddy.

Nancy: High-five. He usually does it. It’s so weird. High-five honey. Come on.

[Richard high-fives Mitchell’s palm like a baby]

Mitchell: Yay!

[Kendra walks in with her palm for Richard to high-five on]

Nancy: You too, Kendra. High-five, honey.

[Richard high-fives Kendra’s palm like a baby]

Nancy: Yay!

[Cut to everybody]

Richard: Wow, that was great. Oh, and Mitchell, I’ll see you on Monday, CFO.

Mitchell: Thank you, baby boss.

[Mitchell and Kendra runs out]

[Cut to Nancy and Richard. Richard is moving his hand everywhere and he touches Nancy’s back]

Nancy: Ooh! Wow! Well, well, look who’s feeling frisky.

Richard: That’s right. How about a bath?

Nancy: I’ll go fill up the kitchen sink.

[Richard is happy]

[cheers and applause]

Back Home Ballers

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

Sasheer Zamata

Vanessa Bayer

Leslie Jones

Cameron Diaz

[Starts with a van stopping in front of a house]

[Cut to the license plate, “New York GRGIRLS”]

[The door of the van opens, and the music video starts.]

Aidy: Your girls are back.

[Girls are coming out of the van one by one]

Kate: Kate

Cecily: Cecily

Sasheer: Sasheer

Vanessa: Vanessa

Leslie: Leslie

Cameron Diaz: Cameron

Aidy: And your Lil’ Baby Aidy

Kate: We’re home for thanksgiving y’all.

Cecily: And our parents are real happy to see us.

Vanessa: So, they’re gonna treat us like queens.

Aidy: This may be their house

Cameron Diaz: But for the next four days, we ’bout to run this bitch.

[drums rolling and music starts]

Kate: [rapping] Walk in the door hand my bag to the ballet
in case you’re wondering, it’s my daddy
head straight to the fridge like a boss yo’

[The fridge is full of groceries]

Hell yeah! My mom went to Cosco

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: [rapping] It ain’t my house but I’ll tear it up
get a plate real dirty, won’t clean it up
then I run to the washer laundry, game unlock
gonna do a whole lot for just one sock

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: [rapping] Coz I’m back home baller
If I want something, I just holla’
I do what I want and I get what I want
coz my parents miss their daughter

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: [rapping] This whole damn house is a shrine to me
coz everybody here is obsessed with me.
my second grade’s drawings are framed like Picasso
If I say, “Mom, tacos”, my mom will make tacos

[Cut to Cameron Diaz]

Cameron Diaz: [rapping] We always see a movie but it can’t be us
so we settle on penguins or meet a guest car
and as a nice gesture, I bought all the tickets
Psyke! Not a chance. My dad friggin did it.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: [rapping] Mom needs help, I pretend to be napping
even though I could hear all that is happening
It sounds like she really needs help in the kitchen
but if she thinks I’m moving, then she must be trippin

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: [rapping] Coz I’m back home baller
and grandma says I look taller
they wait on me like I’m sick leave
that’s a light from back home, baller

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: [rapping] Taking up the trash, all my neighbors spot me
they sworm around me like my own paparazzi
talking and stalking they can’t get enough of me
wondering, questioning, what’s going on with me

[Cut to a woman asking Aidy a question]

Woman: So, what’s going on with you?

Aidy: Um, the same. Okay, Jean, bye!

[Aidy walks away from the woman]

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: [rapping] Once everyone’s in bed, I go insane
heroine, marijuana, crack, cocaine
are not what I wanna watch, cheese and chips
and so put on some very old, Chris White’s tricks

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: [rapping] getting free wifi like a dope ass hoe
the password was seventeen Os
then bSasheerVanessaltng
then capital X, then 333
then 1458tdq
and 314 and w

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie: Hold up! Y’all don’t even know how pimp it is at my mom’s house. That bitch puts out so many bowls of things for me, it’s insane. I’m up to my ass in

[rapping] bowls, bowls, all type of bowls
chips and candies and she shell bowls
my mom’s got bowls for everything
flowers and nuts and everything
bowl on a toilet, bowl on a shelf,
bowl of m&ms, I can help myself
she puts out these bowls for me
and any bowl I like, I get for free

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: [rapping] Coz I’m back home baller
in pajamas that cost $Aidy0
tell my mother that I love her more than any friggin other
that’s a life from a back home baller

Cameron Diaz: Damn straight, y’all!

Kate: Love you, mom and dad. We out.

Aidy: See you in a month for Christmas. We doing this all again.

A Drink at The White House Cold Open

Barack Obama… Jay Pharoah

Mitch McConnell… Taran Killam

Michelle Obama… Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with a clip of White House.]

Male voice: Last week, republicans won decisively in the midterm elections. In a gesture of good will, President Obama offered to have a glass of Kentucky bourbon with future Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. This evening, that drink took place.

[Cut to Barack Obama and Mitch McConnell having a drink]

[cheers and applause]

Barack Obama: Senator, thanks for coming.

Mitch McConnell: My pleasure.

Barack Obama: Here’s to you and republicans on the victory.

Mitch McConnell: Well, thank you. Thank you. You know, I think that this election had a clear message.

Barack Obama: Yes, it did. Folks want us together.

Mitch McConnell: [interrupting] The people rejected you.

Barack Obama: Okay, good start.

[Three drinks in]

Mitch McConnell: We ask you not to move on immigration without us and the first thing you do is say you’re gonna move the first thing.

Barack Obama: Okay, so you telling me that republicans are gonna pass an immigration bill? That’s your first– what do you first ask? A bill for immigration?

Mitch McConnell: Absolutely, yes. It is a huge priority.

Barack Obama: Really?

Mitch McConnell: Definitely.

[Barack Obama and Mitch McConnell both laugh]

Barack Obama: Okay, okay. Now, we’re having fun.

[Four drinks in]

[They are laughing. Mitch McConnell is calling someone.]

Barack Obama: Did she pick up yet?

Mitch McConnell: Hold on! [speaking on the phone making different voice] Yes, Mrs. Hillary Clinton. This is publisher’s clearing house. I want you to know you’ve won an all expense paid trip to ‘get whooped in Mitch McConnell0Barack Obama6’.

[Mitch McConnell hangs up the phone]

[Barack Obama and Mitch McConnell are laughing]

Barack Obama: Did she know it was us?

Mitch McConnell: She had no idea. And even if she did, she do not in front of congress.

[phone ringing]

[Barack Obama and Mitch McConnell scream terrified]

[Six drinks in]

[Barack Obama is eating chips]

Mitch McConnell: You’re black.

Barack Obama: I am half black, yes.

Mitch McConnell: And you are the president of the United States. That’s crazy. I mean, you ever think about that? A black US president with this country’s history? No one would have thought that.

Barack Obama: No one would have every thought that the senate majority leader would be a redneck who looks like he lots his lips in a fight.

Mitch McConnell: No! Okay, I may have deserved that. I can’t dance like you.

[Seven drinks in]

Barack Obama: You guys are so mean to me.

Mitch McConnell: Stop it.

Barack Obama: I mean, you are. You hate me. You know what Malia said the other day?

Mitch McConnell: What?

Barack Obama: She said, “Daddy, that man who ran across the White House lawn wanted to kill you. Was that Mitch McConnell?”

Mitch McConnell: She did not!

Barack Obama: She did.

Mitch McConnell: Oh! I don’t want that. Now you mad me cry!

[Barack Obama and Mitch McConnell are crying]

[Nine drinks in]

[Barack Obama has a medal on his head]

Barack Obama: I could sure use a smoke right now.

[Michelle Obama walks in]

Michelle Obama: Barack, it’s Barack ObamaBarack Obama o’clock.

Barack Obama: Michelle, we’re just finishing up.

Michelle Obama: Is that the Presidential Medal of Freedom on your head?

Barack Obama: I was just showing the senator. Michelle, you look great tonight.

Michelle Obama: Don’t! We have to fly to China early tomorrow morning.

[Michelle Obama leaves]

Mitch McConnell: [teasing Barack Obama] Ooh, you’re in trouble.

Barack Obama: In the doory house baby. You know what? So, I guess there’s nothing getting done in next two years, huh?

Mitch McConnell: Not a damn thing.

Barack Obama: Well, you know what? That’s great! But we can do this together.

Barack Obama and Mitch McConnell: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!