Tag: season 46

Vaccine Game Show

Tevin Jones… Daniel Kaluuya

Tasha.. Ego Nwodim

Derek… Kenan Thompson

Donald… Chris Redd

Shawna… Punkie Johnson

Sarah… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with show intro]

Tevin Jones: Hey, I’m Dr. Tevin Jones and welcome to “Will you take it?” The game show where I try to convince my family to take the covid vaccine. Let’s see who is playing today. We got my lovely cousin, Tasha.

Tasha: Hey.

Tevin Jones: My favorite uncle, Derek.

Derek: Watch out, now.

Tevin Jones: My cousin, Donald.

Donald: Call me Don Juan.

Tevin Jones: And my sweet aunt, Shawna. How are you doing?

Shawna: Baby, I’m blessed.

Tevin Jones: Good to hear. Alright. As you all know, I’m a medical doctor working on the front lines of covid.

Derek: Yes, that’s right.

Tevin Jones: I’ve seen what this disease is doing first hand.

All: Um-hmm.

Donald: Ain’t no joke.

Tevin Jones: And all of you are considered high risk for covid.

All: True.

Tasha: Whatever that means.

Tevin Jones: Bud despite all of my pleads, none of you have been vaccinated yet.

All: Hell nah!

Tevin Jones: Okay. So, let’s get into it. If you answer this first question right, I will hand you $500 in cash. Listen carefully. Will any of you will just take covid vaccine right now? Anybody? Any takers?

[buzzer sound]

Cousin Tasha.

Tasha: $500 cash?

Tevin Jones: Yes.

Tasha: Okay. Can you repeat the question?

Tevin Jones: Sure. The question is – would any of you just take the covid vaccine right now? Anybody?

[buzzer sound]

Don.

Donald: Nope.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Tevin Jones: Not the answer I was looking for.

Donald: Man, I don’t need that vaccine, man.

Tevin Jones: And just to remind everybody watching, you’re a diabetic and you’ve been shot in the lung.

Donald: But I never get sick because I sleep in my socks.

Tevin Jones: Time’s up. We were looking for the answer – “Yes, I will take the vaccine.”

Tasha: Damn.

Tevin Jones: It’s okay. You’ll get more chances to win. Uncle Derek, you’ve had two heart attacks in the past decade.

Derek: Um-hmm. And I survived by the grace of god.

Tevin Jones: And what will you do if you win some money here?

Derek: Man. I might like me a little reefer. Getting them one of them pellet smokers. Yeah. Throw a big old barbecue bash in the neighborhood. No masks.

Tevin Jones: Okay, sounds like you really need this vaccine. So, for $5,000, will you take the vaccine right now?

Derek: Hmm. I don’t know about that.

Tevin Jones: Think about this, uncle Derek. $5,000 is on the line.

Derek: Damn. 5 racks? It’s a lot of bread. I could get me a little girlfriend.

Tevin Jones: And you can have a barbecue. You can have your barbecue completely vaccinated.

Derek: Nah, it ain’t worth it.

Tevin Jones: Really? What about you, aunt Shawna?

Shawna: You know I can’t take that vaccine. I am a Christian.

Tevin Jones: Who told you Christians can’t take the vaccine?

Shawna: Facebook.

Tevin Jones: Time’s up. Again, we were looking for – “Yes.”

Derek: Look, I don’t mind taking the vaccine. I just want to be the first, you know?

Tevin Jones: You won’t be the first. Literally, 100 million people have already taken the vaccine.

Derek: Still, though.

[game show sound]

Tevin Jones: Well, that sound means it’s time for “Ask a doctor”. This is where each of you get to ask me, a medical doctor, any questions you have about the covid vaccine. And in the end, hopefully, some of you will leave here with cash and take the vaccine. Let’s start the clock at all day. [the game timer has 24 hours countdown.] And go! Tasha.

Tasha: Do it got syphilis in it?

Tevin Jones: What? Of course not. Why would it have syphilis in it? Tasha?

Tasha: Tuskegee.

Tevin Jones: Okay. But that was a long time ago.

Tasha: Um-hmm, well I ain’t forget.

Tevin Jones: It doesn’t have syphilis in it. Don?

Donald: Alright, I’ll take it when white people start taking it.

Tevin Jones: White people are taking it.

Donald: Man, you can’t trust white people.

Tevin Jones: Why can’t you trust white people? Tasha?

Tasha: Tuskegee.

Tevin Jones: Okay. You’re not wrong about Tuskegee. But still.

Derek: Nephew, I got a question. How come you don’t visit the family no more?

Shawna: Yeah. You missed grandma’s birthday.

Tevin Jones: None of you are vaccinated yet. And you shouldn’t be having parties.

Tasha: [mocking] You shouldn’t be having parties. Dork ass!

Tevin Jones: Whatever. Look, I’m offering you guys $5,000 to take this vaccine.

Derek: Make it 10.

Tevin Jones: Okay, fine. I’ma give you $20,000. Will you take it now?

Derek: 20 racks? [thinking] Nah, I’m good.

Tevin Jones: Okay. This is not working. This is not working. Let’s just take a break. Ha-ha. And when we come back, I’ll see if my girlfriend, Sarah, who’s also a doctor, can change their minds.

[Cut to Sarah. She’s a white girl]

Sarah: It’s really nice to meet you guys.

[The family are complaining about her]

Scattergories

Mr. K…Mikey Day

Mrs. K… Kate McKinnon

Steven… Daniel Kaluuya

Heidi Gardner

Mr. K: Well, great dinner, everybody.

Steven: Thanks for cooking again, Mrs. K.

Mrs. K: Well, thank you for bringing the wine. I love that it’s called Josh. It’s the nickname for wine.

Steven: Of course, ma’am. I’ve got to impress my girlfriend’s parents, right?

Mr. K: Oh, you always do. Well, you guys should head home or we could play a game.

Steven: I’ll be down to play a game.

Heidi: Yeah.

Mr. K: Okay. What do we have?

Mrs. K: We have Rummikub.

Steven: What’s a Rummikub?

Mrs. K: It combines elements of Mahjong and Rummi, and it’s really fun.

Heidi: Mom, that game is so boring. We’re never gonna wanna play that.

Mr. K: We got Scattergories.

Steven: I’m actually really good at that one. You guys bette watch out.

Heidi: That’s perfect.

Mrs. K: You know what? I might be too tired for a game other than Rummikub. I’m just going to clean up.

Mr. K: Okay.

Steven: Are you sure?

Mrs. K: Yeah. You got stuff to do. I got stuff to do. You guys have fun. [walks to the kitchen]

Mr. K: Okay. Well, we’re going to play. Okay, we are writing down words for each category that starts with– [rolling the die] You guys ready? ‘W’. And go.

[pots and pans clanging loudly]

You okay, hun?

Mrs. K: Me? Yeah, just cleaning up.

[pots and pans clanging loudly]

Steven: Is she alright?

Heidi: Yes, she said she’s fine. Oh, man. W is hard.

[pots and pans clanging loudly]

Steven: Do you want some help?

Mrs. K: No. I’m fine.

Heidi: Time is almost up.

[Mrs. K is banging the dishwasher]

Mr. K: I’m trying to find the last couple of answers.

Heidi: It’s not latching.

Mr. K: My love?

Steven: And time!

Heidi: Mom, are you okay? Do you not want us to play this/

Mrs. K: No, I’m good. Just doing my thing.

Heidi: Okay, because the dishes are a little loud.

Mrs. K: Oh, well, I’m sorry. I’m do something else. No problem.

Heidi: Okay. Thanks, mom.

Mr. K: Thanks, hun.

Steven: What what do you guys have? Things in the sky? I had–

[Heidi turns on the vacuum cleaner. It’s very loud.]

I had weather.

Heidi: That’s good. I had ‘wet balloon’. It doesn’t count, right?

Mr. K: I had ‘Whooshing wind.’ Honey, why are you doing that?

Mrs. K: I saw sesame seed. They’re toxic to dogs.

Mr. K: Yeah. We don’t have a dog.

Mrs. K: Well, and this is why.

[turns off the vacuum cleaner]

Heidi: Mom, are you sure you don’t want to play with us? It’s fun. The category is ‘things in the sky’.

Mrs. K: Okay, birds.

Heidi: Oh, well, it has to be with ‘w’.

Mrs. K: [annoyed] I wasn’t told that.

Steven: Because the die said ‘w’.

Mrs. K: Are you done with that glass? [the glasses are full with wine, but she takes them all anyway]

Steven: Not really. But that’s fine.

Mr. K: Let’s do a new round. Get a new list. [Mrs. K starts drinking everybody’s drinks.] New letter is ‘m’. And go!

[Mrs. K turns on music very loud. She’s wearing a headphone.]

Steven: What song is this, Mrs. K?

Mrs. K: Oh, you can hear that? I’m wearing a headphone.

Heidi: Yeah, but you’re playing it from the speaker.

Mrs. K: Okay. Sorry about that.

Heidi: No problem.

[phone ringing]

Mrs. K: Oh! Sorry, I have to get this. This is important. [Mrs. K walks near everyone else in purpose answering the phone] Hello. Um-hmm. And how long does that offer last? And the figures in would arrive when? That’s a lot to think about. I will be in touch. Thanks. Goodbye. [hangs up the phone]

Heidi: Mom, this one’s easier if you want to try. It’s foods for lunch.

Mrs. K: Okay. Wonderbread.

Heidi: The letter is M now. [Mrs. K is angrier] But that was a really good answer.

[Mrs. K turns on the disposal. It’s very loud.]

Mr. K: What are you putting in the disposal, huh?

Mrs. K: Just pictures. [Mrs. K’s putting her family pictures into the disposal.]

Heidi: Okay, mom, what’s going on? Are you upset? Do you want to play something else?

Mrs. K: You know what I wanted to play.

Mr. K: Rummikub?

Mrs. K: Yes! Rummikub. Always Rummikub.

Mr. K: Sorry, hun. It just seemed like more people wanted to play Scattergories.

Mrs. K: None of you like what I like. Last year on my birthday, we watched Deadpool. You think I liked that? I have been trying to get you to sit here and watch ‘Chocolat’  since we bought this house.

Heidi: Oh, Steven and I just watched that.

Mrs. K: Oh my god!

Heidi: Sorry.

Mrs. K: I fed your snake ‘Feedle’ mice for 10 years after you went to college. I would go to ‘Petco’ and they would say, “The usual” and I would say, “Yes. Dead mice bag, please.” And you can’t even play a single fgame of Rummikub?

Steven: You had a snake?

Heidi: I did. Okay, mom, do you want to play Rummikub now?

Mrs. K: NO! Wait, yes.  Wait, no. I’m drunk. Ah! I’m sorry, I think had too much Josh.

[cut to the commercial. There’s Josh wine and there’s Rummikub.]

Male voice: Josh wine, the official wine of Rummikub.

Salt Bae

Cecily Strong

Ego Nwodim

Dave… Daniel Kaluuya

Mikey Day

David Beckham… Alex Moffat

Victoria Beckham… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with two couples at a fine dining]

Cecily: So glad we could do this. Lisa, you look so cute.

Ego: Thanks girl. This is where my steamy money went.

Cecily: I mean, it’s nice. It’s not $1200 nice.

Dave: This place is cool. Good choice, baby.

Mikey: Yeah. And I heard he’s actually here tonight.

Dave: Who’s here?

[Salt Bae walks to their table with a chopping board, a meat on it and a knife.]

Cecily: Salt Bae!

Ego: Oh my god, Salt Bae is at our table.

Dave: Good evening, bro. Got any specials tonight?

Ego: Oh my god. I know the specials. He’s going to give us the meat.

Dave: Did we order this?

Cecily: [taking a video] Shh! It’s happening.

[Salt Bae puts in the salt in his style]

Girls: Wow!

Dave: Wow. Didn’t know you like salt that much.

[Salt Bae gestures like he’s calling Cecily]

Cecily: You want me to salt meat?

Ego: Oh my god. Dave, you better get your phone out and film her.

Dave: Why?

Ego: This is why she’s here, dammit!

[Salt Bae is holding Cecily and helping her salt the meat]

Dave: That’s insane amount of touching with the waiter, right?

Ego: He’s not a waiter.

Dave: Well then, what is he?

[Salt Bae cuts a slice of meat and lifts it with the knife]

Cecily: Ooh! Drop it down my throat.

Dave: What?

Cecily: Babe, are you filming?

Dave: Yeah. But why are you eating like that though?

[Salt Bae puts a meat in Cecily’s mouth. Then he wipes her lips and walks away.]

Cecily: Hmm. Bye.

Ego: Bye, Salt Bae.

Dave: Right. So, I didn’t like that.

Cecily: Dave, that’s Salt Bae. He’s the most important chef in the world. Haven’t you seen his Instagram?

Dave: You get on, Sam bro.

Mikey: Yes, I think it’s cultural thing. Like, Salt Bae loves beautiful steak and Salt Bae loves beautiful women.

Ego: Wait, are you upset with Hannah or are you upset with Salt Bae?

Mikey: Yeah, because you can’t be mad a Salt Bae.

Cecily: Dave, Salt Bae is allowed.

Dave: No, no, no, no. It’s fine. Never mind. You’re having a good time. Enjoy the meat, babe.

[Salt Bae jumps in with another piece of meat]

Hello again, Salt Bae. Spanking the meat. I see you. I understand what you’re doing. Very good.

[Salt Bae moves near Cecily]

Cecily: Oh, my turn I guess. [Cecily slaps the meat] Oh! Oh, I love the way your meat feels.

Dave: It’s just not sanitary.

[Salt Bae moves near Ego]

Ego: Now it’s my turn to spank your meat.

Mikey: [filming Ego] Oh my god! Amazing!

Dave: Bro, you like this?

Mikey: No, I hate this.

Dave: I’d love to order a drink by the way.

[Salt Bae puts the meat on the chopping board and walks out]

And he’s gone. He’s gone.

Cecily: I am posting the video and tagging him.

Dave: I’m sorry, but this guy is giving me magician energy. You know? It’s a bit firsty.

Ego: Wait, are you jealous?

Dave: Of the meat mime? No.

Cecily: Oh my god, he DM’ed me.

Dave: What the hell did he say?

Cecily: [hiding her phone] Nothing.

[Salt Bae jumps in with the gold steak]

Mikey: Oh! The gold steak.

[Salt Bae pulls out a bone and moves near Ego]

Ego: Me?

[Ego opens her mouth wide open. Salt Bae puts in the bone.]

Mikey: Honey, you’re so lucky!

Dave: I’m feeling like we shouldn’t be watching this.

Mikey: I like to watch.

[Salt Bae moves near Mikey]

Me? No, I’m not beautiful like them.

[Salt Bae puts the bone in Mikey’s mouth]

Ego: Wow. You look so happy.

Dave: I don’t know if I like that. By the way, how much is it? How much is the gold steak?

[Salt Bae passes the bill on his knife]

Dave: Perfect! I’m getting charged $1100 to get cucked in front of David Beckham.

David Beckham: Salt Bae. Cool, right?

Victoria Beckham: Your girlfriend is absolutely stalling with the steak.

[Now, Cecily is on the table with her legs spread. Salt Bae is pouring salt between her legs. Cecily is moaning.]

Dave: That’s it! Sir, you’re an Instagram celebrity. You’re not better than me. I manage T-Mobile. And I worked hard to take my lady to dinner and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t salt her on our dinner table.

Cecily: [yelling at Dave, still her legs spread] Hey! Calm down. You’re embarrassing me in front of the Beckham Poshs.

Beckhams: We like it.

Dave: Anyone can slice meat. It’s not that hard.

[Dave tries to slice the meat]

Salt Bae: No, it’s very sharp!

[Dave cuts his thumb off. He is bleeding and spraying blood all over the place.]

Mikey: Oh my god!

Cecily: Hey, your thumb. You should take yourself to the hospital.

Dave: Take myself?

Cecily: Yes. We’ve got steak left.

Proud Parents

Debbie… Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

Mrs. Pine… Aidy Bryant

Mr. Pine… Kenan Thompson

Mrs. Obi… Ego Nwodim

Mr. Obi… Daniel Kaluuya

Nick… Andrew Dismukes

David… Chris Redd

[Starts with a group of people walking to the living room after having a meal.]

Debbie: Wow, what a lovely meal this was.

Beck: Absolutely. This was my first time having Nigerian food and I must say, it is delicious.

Mrs. Pine: Oh. Hard agree. Pearl, you have to share that stew recipe with me.

Mr. Pine: Why? You know it’s not gonna taste the same when you do it. [laughing]

Mrs. Obi: Oh, come on. Linda, I am sure your stew will be very good.

Mr. Obi: Next time, she will make you a Ugandan dish. I’m the luckiest person because I get to enjoy her cooking every day.

Debbie: Well boys, you should be proud of yourselves. First year of college in the camp.

Beck: Now, I hate to be that dad but Nick actually won an award for his final project.

All: Really?

Nick: It’s nothing really. It’s just a piece I made in postmodern sculpting class.

Debbie: We actually brought it. [showing the sculpture.]

Mrs. Pine: Wow!

Mr. Pine: Kind of takes your breath away.

Mr. Obi: That’s fantastic. I’m proud to say I know the next Picasso.

Mrs. Obi: Yes. Nick, it looks like you’re going to be a famous artist some day.

Nick: Oh. Thanks, Mr. and Mr.s Obi.

Debbie: And how are things going over for you over at Drexel, David?

Mr. Obi: Oh, David is studying to be a medical doctor. We are very proud of him. Paging Dr. Obi.

Mrs. Obi: David, why don’t you tell everyone about your pre-med classes? He is excelling in chemistry.

David: Well, I actually changed my major to creative writing.

[plot change music playing]

Mrs. Obi: You did what?

David: I changed my major to creative writing.

Mr. Obi: Creative who?

David: Creative write-ing.

Mr. Obi: God forbid.

Mrs. Obi: What is ‘creative write-ing’?

David: Something I’m really passionate about. I actually won the ‘Promising Young Writer’ award.

Debbie: Oh, that’s fantastic.

Beck: Nice, buddy.

Mrs. Obi: Oh, yes, very nice, buddy. And award? Can you pay your bills with an award?

Mr. Obi: Can you buy a house with an award?

Mrs. Obi: ‘Promising young writer’. Who promised you what?

David: When Nick said he won an award, you guys said he was going to be famous.

Mr. Obi and Mrs. Obi: We were lying.

Mr. Obi: Look at his ridiculous sculpture.

Mrs. Obi: This ugly thing. Very, very ugly. Mark my words. In two years, Mr. Picasso here is going to be a bag boy at Trader Joe’s.

Debbie: Hey! You know we’re right here.

Mrs. Obi: Debby, it’s true, honey.
Mr. Obi: Son. You are born to be a doctor.

Mrs. Obi: Yes. What kind of job will you get with creative writing?

David: I could be an author.

Mrs. Obi and Mr. Obi: No.

David: A journalist.

Mrs. Obi and Mr. Obi: No.

David: A professor.

Mrs. Obi and Mr. Obi: Hell no.

Debbie: Hey, those sound like great careers.

Mrs. Obi: No, Debbie. They’re not. [to David] You can become a doctor for 40 or 50 years, and then do your writing once you retire.

Beck: You know guys? The world needs poets too.

Mr. Obi: Yes. If there’s anything we have learned from the pandemic, it’s that the world needs more poets.

Mrs. Pine: I think it’s beautiful that you’re discovering your own interest, David.

David: Thanks, Mrs. Pine.

Mrs. Obi: Okay, Linda Pine. Why don’t you take him?

Mrs. Pine: Excuse me?

Mr. Obi: David is your’s now.

Mrs. Obi: Yes. Since you think it’s so beautiful that he won’t be a doctor, he can be your son.

Mrs. Pine: Oh, I don’t think–

Mrs. Obi: Oh! She doesn’t think. Hah!

Mr. Obi: So, you also don’t want a son that’s not a doctor.

David: Ma and dad, I’m just not passionate about being a doctor.

Mrs. Obi: Okay. If you really don’t want to be a doctor… You have to!

Debbie: You guys haven’t even read any of his written yet.

Beck: Yes. David, maybe you can read one of your poems.

David: Sure, I’d be happy to. [stands up] This poem, I won an award for. It’s called ‘My sorrow’. [opens a sheet of paper and starts reading]

I wake up and my emotions are as blue as blue paint

[he sits down]

Mrs. Pine: That’s it?

David: Yes.

Mr. Pine: You know, ain’t nothing wrong with being a doctor, David.
Mrs. Pine: Yeah.

Debbie: How about a toast? Here’s to Nick and David. To promising young artists.

[Mrs. Obi and Mr. Obi are also raising their glasses, but they’re very pissed off. They break their glasses.]

Mr. Obi: Oh, no. We are bleeding.

Mrs. Obi: Oh, is there a poet in the house? Someone call a poet!

Mr. Obi: Call a poet!

Half Brother

Kenan Thompson

Dale… Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

Lars… Daniel Kaluuya

Jolene… Cecily Strong

Ego Nwodim

[Starts with five adults raising their glasses]

All: Happy birthday to you.

Kenan: Thank you, you guys.

Dale: Hey, you’re turning 69, right?

Kenan: Dale! Leave it to Dale to make a nasty, nasty joke.

Dale: Guilty as charged!

Kenan: Well, I may laugh but I don’t like it.

Aidy: Well, anyway. Thank you so much for being here. You all are such a dear friends.

Lars: Only friends here?

Jolene: Yeah, only friends? Or–

Kenan: Oh. Yes. My half brother, Lars.

Lars: Half brother, full Facebook friend.

Kenan: That’s right. And his partner, Jolene.

Jolene: Yeah, easy to remember. Like, the whore from the song.

Kenan: So, yeah. Thank you both for driving all the way from the tip top of Canada.

Lars: No offense, but who’s going to make this a real party? You know what I mean?

Aidy: Oh! You don’t mean drugs, do you?

Jolene: Well, think sexier.

Dale: Oh-oh! Sounds like they hired a stripper.

Kenan: No! No! I said no nasty!

Lars: No. She’s not a stripper, but she’s nude, beautiful, and she lets you grab her by the neck and slap her around. It’s my upright bass. [there’s a upright bass at the side]

Aidy: Oh, look honey. He moved our entire media center and put his upright bass there.

Lars: Don’t worry. All your crap is in the bathroom. Now, who wants to play my upright bass?

Ego: Probably no one.

Lars: Well, I do.

Jolene: Well, if you’re going to play upright bass, who’s going to do spoken word poetry? [pointing at Aidy] You?

Aidy: No. No, I don’t like where this is going.

Ego: Yeah. Where is it going?

Kenan: Well, I think my half brother and his wife are going to perform some jazz thing.

Jolene: Well, feel free to snap along anyone. [Lars and Jolene get ready to perform] I think you’ll know where we picked this one.

Lars: This is for you, half brother. On your birthday.

[Lars starts playing the bass]

Jolene: [poetry] Kitty’s on the sand with the shackles on his hand
coz kitty stole the bacon and the bacon’s for the taking.

Lars: He stole it for the lover but lover found another

Jolene: He never did confess but they fried them nonetheless

Lars and Jolene: Zaba-duba-de, now, meow!

Lars: Happy birthday.

Kenan: Wow. That was amazing. Thank you.

Jolene: No, no. We don’t deserve all that. Come on. We can do better.

Lars: See, normally when we do this, we’re just made love in any old way.

Jolene: Yeah, you know how it goes. Twisted around, up side down, magic night gowns. But that’s all over. We are getting the big old D-I-V-O-R-C. Anybody knows that that spells?

Aidy: Well, you almost spelled divorce.

Lars: And we’re almost divorced.

Jolene: Yeah. We tried to fix things with an open marriage but he forgot to tell me about it.

Lars: I could have sworn I mentioned it.

Jolene: Nope. Well, thank you both. We enjoyed whatever that was you did. And I’m sorry about your divorce.

Jolene: No, no, no. don’t be. I mean, the marriage might be over but we still got the band. Hey, let’s prove it.

Ego: No need.

[Lars starts playing the bass]

Jolene: [poem] Tony Loney Money had a lonely horoscony
his name was way too long to fit on a tombstoney

Lars: The grumpy old crooney, the thought everyone was phoney
so no one was around when he choked his baloney

Lars and Jolene: Shapa-shapa-shapa-duray-meow!

Aidy: Well, thank you so much for you jazz beat. I think we’re good.

Jolene: And?

Dale: Sorry about your divorce.

Lars: But?

Ego: We’re the glad the band is still together?

Lars: Because?

Kenan: We liked it?

Jolene: And now you want an?

Aidy: Encore? Oh no! Why did I say that?

Kenan: I guess this is how I’m spending my first birthday out of quarantine.

[Lars starts playing bass]

Jolene: [poem] Nothing could be slicker than rabbit drinking liquor

Lars: But when he hit the jicker adding whiskey in his picker

Dale: Okay, I like it now.

Jolene: It just lay there like a worm refusing to perform.

Lars and Jolene: Rabbity-scabbity-rabbity ray
rabbity-scabbity not today

meow!

Ego: Why does it always end with meow?

Dale: I don’t know. Ask them.

Aidy: Hey, where did they go? [they’re not there]

Kenan: I think they’re having sex in our bedroom.

Ego: How do you know?

Kenan: Well, they left the door open and I can see everything.

Aidy: Okay. Should we just do presents?

Kenan: I guess.

Lars and Jolene: [shouting in another room] Shaba-shaba-do-ray-meow!

Aidy: Oh my god!

Kenan: No, no. Don’t look. That’s what they want.

Frat Trip

Beck Bennett

Pledge… Andrew Dismukes

Austin… Chris Redd

Matt… Bowen Yang

Gael… Mikey Day

Alex Moffat

Pete Davidson

Daniel Kaluuya

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a group of college boys hanging out]

Beck: Oh, Pledge!

[Pledge walks in wearing a baby hat]

Pledge: Yes, Ford.

Beck: Go to the Pi Phi sorority house and take a number two in their downstairs bathroom.

Pledge: As you command. Oh, man. Those girls are so pretty.

[Pledge walks out]

[Austin walks in]

Austin: Yo, second dose, mother-suckers. It’s official! Austin is vaccinated!

All: Yeah!

Matt: We need to celebrate.

Gael: Yeah. Yo! I have a bomb idea. Weekend before finals, we should rent a house in Tahoe.

All: Yeah!

Matt: If we do that, I will do coke. Okay? I know I was super anti-coke earlier in the year, but I’ll do it. Someone else has to buy it though.

Alex: Okay. Let’s Airbnb a bombass place.

Pete: Ay, should we tell Brit and those girls to come?

Daniel: Yeah. We could invite our moms.

Austin: [shocked] You said moms?

Daniel: Yeah, it’s mother’s day weekend, man. What better way to celebrate than spending time with their sons? This is dope! Let’s do it!

Kyle: Yeah, I’m not really feeling the mom aspect of the plan. But I like everything else.

Gael: Yeah. Alright, we doing this then. I’ll start looking for a place.

Kyle: I’ll text them honeys, let them know Tahoe’s going off.

Daniel: I’ll get a Facebook group chat going with the moms so that they can connect with each other.

Gael: Yeah. Maybe hold off on that chat because I don’t know if the group’s feeling the ‘mom’ thing, dude!

Beck: Oh, yo! Dude! Oh my god! Yo!! T-shirts that say ‘Sigma Delta Tahoe Trip 21.

Kyle: That’s so baller! Rolling up in our shirts like, “Sup, Tahoe?”

Daniel: My mom’s a size medium.

Matt: Yo, my mom will say she’s a medium but get her a large.

Gael: Yo, stop! I don’t know how the ‘mom’ thing is gaining traction. Right? No moms, right?

Pete: Yeah. Everybody Venmo me 50 bucks and I’ll make a Cosco run. What do we want?

Alex: Beers, pal. Like Bud and fancy one like Amstel.

Beck: Yeah, get one of those big plastic vodka handles too.

Daniel: And maybe grab like, a couple of 24 packs of Activia for the moms.

Pete: Oh, good call. What flavor?

Kyle: Ayo! Brit’s asking me if the girls’ moms are invited too?

Daniel: Hell, yeah! More moms, the merrier.

Gael: Yo! No! No more mom talk. Because the more the mom stuff comes up, the more the moms become the part of this plan in everyone’s head. This is a Sigma Delta trip. Alright? Let’s focus. So, Thursday night, we get there. Like, we drop our bags. I feel like we go out right away.

Alex: Yeah. Boys’ night out!

Austin: Yeah. Because the moms are going to be tired from traveling. So they’ll probably want to chill at the house.

Daniel: True. Specially if someone’s flying in.

Gael: Guys, stop.

Beck: Oh, hell yeah. You can rent a pontoon boat for Austin0 people.

Matt: [hyper excited] Yes! Yes! Let’s ride one. We have to. Let’s ride one. Let’s do it. Let’s do it.

Beck: We will, Matt. Chill.

Pete: Hey, do pontoon boats have sun shade thing on the top? Because my mom won’t go unless she sits on the shade.

Daniel: Yeah. My mom wouldn’t be feeling that direct sun either, man.

Gael: Yeah. It doesn’t matter if they’re not feeling it because they’re not coming, right? You’re not going to want them there by the way when we’re chilling here in our house for the weekend! [showing everyone the rented house on laptop]

All: Oh! Yeah!

Daniel: And Jinx! I give you the moms on a group FaceTime call.

[puts the video call on TV]

Moms: We are so excited!

Kate: Brad! Honey, you look skinnier. You eating?

Aidy: Dylan, you need to sleep more. You look exhausted.

Cecily: Gael, I’m going to wear a two piece bathing suit. Will that embarrass you?

Gael: I mean, I don’t know. It kind of would, mom.

Cecily: Well, I’m wearing it!

Daniel: This weekend’s gonna be epic!

Gael: No! No, it’s not, dude! It’s gonna suck!

[Cut to picture of Gael and his mom enjoying the party getting drunk.]

 

Daniel Kaluuya Monologue

Daniel Kaluuya

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Daniel Kaluuya.

[Daniel Kaluuya walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Daniel Kaluuya: Yes. Yes. Yes. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I can’t believe it’s Saturday Night Live in New York city. My name is Daniel Kaluuya. First of all, I know you’re hearing my accent and thinking, “Oh no, he’s not black. He’s British.” And I assure you that I am black. And black and I’m British. Basically, I’m what the royal family was worried the baby would look like. People ask me what’s worse? British racism or American racism? Let me put it this way. British racism is so bad, white people left. They wanted to be free. Free to create their own kind of racisms. So then, that’s why they invented Australia, South Africa and Boston. My family is from Uganda. Anyone from Uganda here? [audience cheering “Whoo”] That’s my auntie. She is here. I come from a big Ugandan family. It’s no joke. My mum’s one of 22 kids and my dad’s one of 49. My family sperm is literally about that life. They say black don’t crack, but condoms do.

I just betrayed the leader of Illinois chapter of the Black Panther party. A man who created strategies for free education, free healthcare and free breakfast for kids. His name is Chairman Fred Hampton. I actually won a Golden Globe for that role. But wait, it was on Zoom. And this is what happened.

[Cut to Golden Globe program happening on Zoom.]

Host: And the Golden Globe goes to Daniel Kaluuya, “Judis and the Black Messiah.”

[cheers and applause]

[Daniel Kaluuya appears on the Zoom screen. He is speaking, but he has muted himself.]

Host: As you can see, unfortunately we have a bad connection.

[Cut back to Daniel Kaluuya]

Daniel Kaluuya: I was muted. Can you believe that? I told the best joke of my life and I was muted. I felt like I was in a psycho place. Now, before we get started, I just want to say how grateful I am to be here. When I was nine years old, I wrote a play that got performed in Hampshire with real actors and everything. This is a true story. That play was based on Kenan and Kel. Yes. And that play let me down a path that got me to this stage tonight Kenan back stage right now. So, I just want to take this moment for Kenan and whole world to say “Thank you mum, thank you god, and thank you Kel.” We’ve got a great show. St. Vincent is here. Stick around and we will be right back.

Britney Spears Talk Show Cold Open

Britney Spears… Chloe Fineman

Lil’ Nas X… Chris Redd

Jesus… Mikey Day

Pepe Le Pew… Kate McKinnon

Matt Gaetz… Pete Davidson

[starts with show intro]

Female voice: Live from Las Vegas, it’s “Oops, you did it again”. With your host, Britney Spears.

[Cut to Britney Spears in her show set]

Britney Spears: Hey, y’all. It’s Britney, bitch. This is the show where we shine a light on social pariahs of the week. And I get to decide whether they’re innocent or [singing] not that innocent. And speaking of pariahs, shout our to our sponsor, Georgia – voted best place not to vote. I too have been put in the hot seat this week. I was accused of not writing my own social media captions. Ha-ha! That’s right. They thought someone else wrote – [cut the her tweet] “Who else finds the sea more mysterious than space?” Why do they think is running my account? Jacques Cousteau? Okay, my first guest tonight has been attacked by rare combo of Catholic church and Nike. Please welcome Lil’ Nas X.

[Lil’ Nas X walks in]

Lil’ Nas X: Hi Britney. I hope you don’t mind but I wore one of my casual look.

Britney Spears: You look amos. Now, I want to start with your new satan shoes. Is it true that they’re Nikes made with human blood?

Lil’ Nas X: Yeah, but I don’t know why Nike so mad. The whole thing is ‘just do it’. Well, I did it.

Britney Spears: People were also freaking out about your new video where you ride down a stripper pole to hell and twerk on the devil. Why are they so upset?

Lil’ Nas X: Because they’re closed minded idiots? People are afraid of me because I’m different. But really, I’m just your typical gay black country rap sneaker entrepreneur. I put my pants on like everyone else. One assless chap at a time.

Britney Spears: And what would you say to the religious folks who were mad that you gave satan a lap dance?

Lil’ Nas X: I would say – you know that wasn’t the real satan, right? It was a dude in a Halloween devil costume because the real satan doesn’t do music videos. So maybe, chill?

Britney Spears: So, helping people together, would you be willing to give a lap dance to god? Just to even things out?

Lil’ Nas X: Hmm. Okay, yeah. I guess.

Britney Spears: Okay, let’s do it.

[A man wearing Jesus costume walks in and sits. Lil’ Nas X twerts on him and gives him a lap dance.]

Wow! Happy Easter, everyone!

Lil’ Nas X: And should I again remind people, that was not the real god? That was just my friend, Gary.

Britney Spears: Thanks, Gary. Okay, my next guest has been cancelled and got taken out of the upcoming film “Space Jam”. Please welcome Pepe Le Pew.

[Pepe Le Pew walks in. He’s wearing a squirrel costume.]

Pepe Le Pew: Hello to you. I would kiss you all the way up your arm, but I realize that is no longer socially acceptable. So, I will shake your hand and say nice to meet you.

Britney Spears: See? You’re learning. Now, the original “Space Jam” is one of the best alien sports movie of all time. What was your part in the movie supposed to be?

Pepe Le Pew: Well, any good basketball family needs a horny skunk. That much we all know. So, my part was, get this, I see a basketball in a blonde wig. I make love to it for Britney Spears0-Britney Spears5 minutes before LeBron James taps me on the shoulder and says, “Bro, that’s a basketball.” Not my finest moment in cinema but it made the crew laugh. So…

Britney Spears: And how do you respond to people who say you promote a culture of assault?

Pepe Le Pew: Look, I’m an actor. The part you see me play on TV and movie, that’s not me. I would love to be at a point in my career where I could turn down project, but there are not a lot of part for an old French skunk. Every audition, everyone come down to me or Gerard Depardieu. And if you think I am problematic, the problematic Looney Tunes? Two words for you. Speedy Gonzales. And, you didn’t hear this from me, but FBI is 90% sure, Yosemite Sam was at the Capitol riot.

Britney Spears: Oh. So, Pepe, where do we go from here?

Pepe Le Pew: I’ve been doing the work. Reading books. Women are from Mars, skunks are from France. I realize that Pepe love women but what Pepe needs to do now is listen to women. And of course, I am in a treatment for sex addiction.

Britney Spears: Okay. Krrr! Our final guest is, as we said in the early 2000s, a hot mess, and as we’d say today, a full on sex pest, please keep your hands apart not clapping for Florida congressman Matt Gaetz.

[Matt Gaetz walks in wearing a suit]

Matt Gaetz: Hi, everyone. Gigity gigity goop.

Britney Spears: Now, who are you again?

Matt Gaetz: My name is Matt Gaetz. Like, Bill Gates, but with a Z at the end. Like a cool version for teens.

Britney Spears: Speaking of teens–

Matt Gaetz: Oh, we don’t have to speak of teens.

Britney Spears: No, ha-ha. Let’s. So, this whole story is so bizarre, so incredibly Florida that I need to get it straight. You were dating a 17 year old and brought her on trips across state lines.

Matt Gaetz: Allegedly.

Britney Spears: Prostitutes say you took ecstasy and had sex with them in Florida hotel rooms.

Matt Gaetz: Alleged– gigity goop.

Britney Spears: And your republican colleagues in congress say that you showed them nude photos of women you were sleeping with.

Matt Gaetz: Which is not a crime! Just horrifying!

Britney Spears: I don’t know, Matt. I think I can spot a teen predator when I see one. After all, I was on Mickey Mouse club.

Matt Gaetz: Argh! That’s ridiculous. People were just targeting me because I defended Donald Trump.

Britney Spears: And what has Trump said in your defense?

Matt Gaetz: Gigity squat!

Britney Spears: Do you think these allegations are going to hurt you in the next election?

Matt Gaetz: Weirdly in my district, they might help. But come on, I’m just like Pepe here. I’m just a ladies man.

Pepe Le Pew: Dude, no! I’m a cartoon skunk. You are a United States congressman. Be better, okay?

Matt Gaetz: You know what? Maybe I should do a lap dance too. That’d be fun, right?

Lil’ Nas X: If you come anywhere near me, just remember, I have hiphop friends and country friends, the Tupac relations that are guaranteed to own guns.

Matt Gaetz: Okay, point taken.

Pepe Le Pew: And if I may add– [Pepe Le Pew turns her back toward Matt Gaetz and farts hard]

Matt Gaetz: Oh, god! I kinda like it.

Britney Spears: And now, I am going to give my verdict. Lil’ Nas X, innocent.

Lil’ Nas X: Hell, yeah.

Britney Spears: Pepe Le Pew, not that innocent.

Pepe Le Pew: I accept. It’s time for a newly Pew.

Britney Spears: And Matt Gaetz, I’m not legally allowed to call you innocent or guilty, so I’ll just encourage everyone to [singing] judge him by his face. 

Matt Gaetz: Oh-oh!

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Beanie Babies

Dustin… Daniel Kaluuya

Bowen Yang

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Bowen, Dustin and Aidy having a meeting]

Bowen: Good to see you, Dustin. We’ve been looking forward to reviewing this year’s Beanie Baby bios.

Dustin: Me too. I love writing little stories. Little stories on that text.

Aidy: Well, that’s what makes Ty different. Our Toys come with beautiful back stories. They have a past.

Bowen: Yeah. And we love what you wrote for Clipper the dolphin. “As I sail through the ocean blue, I’ll run across a friend or two. My birthday is March 5th.”

Aidy: It is so great that you always include the Beanie’s birthdays.

Dustin: Thank you. Children want to know when their toy was born.

Bowen: Yes. Alright. That’s enough. Let’s get started. As always, please present each Beanie on the Beanie pedestal.

[Dustin puts a toy penguin on the table]

Dustin: This is Rico.

Aidy: Oh, adorable. Okay, so what will his tag say?

Dustin: “Sick of being the funny one, always desexualizedd by friends. Wobble wobble. there I go to bed again with no nudes. Might as well be dead. Send nude or unfollow. My birthday is June 22.”

Aidy: Hmm. Dustin, this feels a little off Beanie.

Dustin: Okay.

Aidy: I didn’t love the death part. Let us remember, Beanies don’t know that they die.

Bowen: Yes, correct. They live a happy life, and then it stops. There is no pain. Who’s next?

[Dustin puts a toy tiny bear on the table]

Dustin: This is Nibbles. He says, “Met couple online but still not vaccinated. Had ‘threesome’ over FaceTime in the bathroom (where router is). Toxic and sad all around. Dropped phone in toilet and by the time it was dry they were all done, didn’t care. My birthday was that day.”

Aidy: Dustin! That’s nasty! That’s very bad.

Dustin: You said write what you know.

Bowen: No, we didn’t. We sent you an example from last year said, “Like this.”

Dustin: This is the only way I know how to access my rage, my sadness with the Beanies.

Aidy: Well, let’s move on. I know the next one will be good.

[Dustin puts a toy on the table]

Bowen: [reading] Julio – “If someone DM’s saying husband away on business but gets all defensive once you make a move, it’s like… Okay? Why are you even in New York? Grow up. My birthday is May 5th. Oh my god, I’m turning 50.” Okay, Dustin!

Aidy: Yes, it feels like Beanies could reflect a little before they start attacking couples on the internet.

Dustin: Well, everyone’s happy as long as the Beanie shut up and keep paying for their drinks, right?

Aidy: I mean, are there any Beanies in the pile who don’t have a victim complex?

Dustin: Yes, this one. [puts a toy on the table]

Aidy: Alright. [reading] Giselle – “Throwing a picnic! Guess what! There’s no one here. Funny how everyone’s ‘scared’ of the virus when it’s a picnic with me. erased by my chosen family get again. My birthday is Feb 14z, whatever.”

Bowen: Alright, next Beanie. Next Beanie.

[Dustin puts another toy on the table]

Dustin: Kiki – “Feeling a little better toay. Just because some isn’t into me, doesn’t mean it’s a societal problem. Someone will ant me, if there is god.”

Aidy: If? Dustin, there is a god. And he wants happy Beanies.

Bowen: Next Beanie to the pedestal, Dustin.

Dustin: That’s all of them.

Aidy: That’s all of them? You only wrote five Beanie bios?

Dustin: We shipped you a thousand beanies. We have this room booked until four in the morning.

Aidy: That’s right. Just go. Okay? I’ll call the factory and I’ll tell them to stop making the beanies.

Dustin: Fine. But all I did was write my truth.

Aidy: Hello, yes, put the manager on. Who do you think this is? Halt the Beanie machines at once. Well, then destroy them all. And don’t look them in the eyes. They’ll break your heart.

Weekend Update- Sidney Powell on Being Sued by Dominion

Michael Che

Sidney Powell… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This week, Donald Trump’s former lawyer Sidney Powell tried to dismiss a lawsuit against her by dominion voting systems saying no reasonable person would believe her. Here to explain herself is Sidney Powell.

[Sidney Powell slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Sidney Powell: Oh. Hey, Michael. Do you like my little bolo tie? It’s from the western wear section of Talbot’s.

Michael Che: It’s lovely. So, it seems like you’re in a lot of trouble. I mean, back in November, you went on TV many times and you said you had absolute proof that Dominion voting machines were rigged to steal the election from Donald Trump.

Sidney Powell: Fake news.

Michael Che: I’m just repeating what you said.

Sidney Powell: No. I meant me. I am fake news. According to my lawyers, nothing I say should be taken seriously. isn’t that just confusing? I’m kind of a mystery. You hear the name Sidney Powell and you think I might be an esteemed older black gentlemen like Colin Powell or Sidney Poitier. And yet, here I am, a white lady dressed like Fred Flinstone’s mother in law.

Michael Che: And now you’re getting sued?

Sidney Powell: Oh, cheese and rice, Michael. I’m gonna beat this lawsuit, okay? I come from tough stock. My Meemaw was a proud southern woman from North Carolina. And my Peepaw was a wild turkey. Okay? I’m gonna release the kraken.

Michael Che: What is that?

Sidney Powell: The kraken is an ancient sea monster but in this case, the kraken is a 65 year old woman who keeps a sack of Southern Living magazines in the back of her toilet.

Michael Che: So you’re not worried about the lawsuit?

Sidney Powell: Not a bit. Okay, actually, I am honored to be in the same company of other folks sued by Dominion. Patriots like former crackhead, turned king of pillows, Michael Lindell. And former king of New York turned crackhead Rudolph Giuliani.

Michael Che: You serious?

Sidney Powell: Michael, does this face look like I’m lying?

Michael Che: You look like the joker. And what you’re saying is probably liable.

Sidney Powell: Well, you know what they say. You can’t call it liable if it’s all jible-jable. And you can’t it slander if it sounds hoo-loo-loo-loo.

Michael Che: Nobody says that.

Sidney Powell: Michael, let me ask you a question. Did you build an ark? Cause the great flood’s coming, okay? And you are just up to your neck and water going, “Oh, where’s all my animals?” And there I’m on a big old boat holding your dog and I’m like, “Later, skater.”

Michael Che: What are you talking about?

Sidney Powell: I’m talking about the kraken, son. Okay? She’s gonna ride you hard and put you away wet coz when this kraken comes out, you’re gonna be walking with a limp, okay? All that’s gonna be left of you is Air Jordans just smoking and Colin Jost’s gonna be like, “Where’s my friend Michael Che? Where’s my friend Michael Che?” Cut to me just holding the flame thrower. Hoo-loo-loo-loo.

Michael Che: I have no idea what you’re saying.

Sidney Powell: Okay. So, what you’re saying is I’m crazy and no reasonable person would believe me? Ha! Case closed. Defense rest. Sir, you walked right into that one. But you did.

Michael Che: Sidney Powell, everybody.