Tag: Update

Weekend Update- Punkie Johnson and Mikey Day on Their 2023 Oscars Predictions

Colin Jost

Punkie Johnson

Mikey Day

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, the Oscars are almost here. Here to break down the nominees and all things Hollywood are Punkie Johnson and Mikey Day.

[Punkie Johnson and Mikey Day slide in]

Punkie Johnson: What’s up, Colin?

Colin Jost: All right, guys. So what can we expect from this year’s Oscars?

Mikey Day: Well, Colin, I’d love to tell you. But when Punkie and I sat down to do this, we realized that Punkie, a celebrity and entertainer, does not know any other celebrities or entertainers.

Punkie Johnson: This is true. She doesn’t even know their names really. Here are some examples. And these are all 100% true stories. I once saw Punkie called Tony Hawk “Tony Hawking” to his face.

Colin Jost: So Punkie you confuse the most famous skateboarder of all time with the genius physicist Stephen Hawking.

Punkie Johnson: I mean, look, they bold white men with wheels. So I mean-

[Michael Che laughing]

Mikey Day: But the best thing that has ever happened was a few weeks ago when Punkie told me that all of her friends could not believe she met Rick Bernstein.

Colin Jost: And who is Rick Bernstein?

Mikey Day: That is what I said.

Punkie Johnson: Well, so I said it’s the guy with the jeans. Duh.

Mikey Day: The guy with the jeans. I eventually figured out that Punkie was referring to living legend Bruce Springsteen. Rick Bernstein.

Punkie Johnson: Alright, look. I grew up on people like Eddie Murphy and Richard Pryor. That dude do wasn’t big in my house. So sue a bitch.

Mikey Day: So instead of an Oscars piece, I thought it’d be more fun to play a game we call “Who does punky mean?” Are you down to play?

Colin Jost: I feel like I don’t have a choice.

Mikey Day: Right. Everyone, you can play along. It’s super fun. Number one, Punkie referred to this celebrity as Claire Blankenship. Claire Blankenship.

Colin Jost: I don’t know. Claire Danes maybe?

Mikey Day: Okay, let’s see. Is it Claire Danes? No. It’s Anne Hathaway.

Punkie Johnson: Time out, time out.

Mikey Day: That really happened.

Punkie Johnson: No. Put the picture back up. Okay, I’m sorry, but does this bitch not look like a Claire?

Mikey Day: Okay. She does. That’s fair. You’re right. Number two. Zoey Dechanaise. Who does punky mean? Tell me what you’re thinking, Colin.

Colin Jost: I am thinking that this one has to be Zoey Deschanel.

Mikey Day: Okay, lock it in. Is Zoe Deshanaise Zoey Deschanel? Nope. Zoe Kravitz.

Punkie Johnson: Wait. No. All right, okay. All right look, see what happened was I’m getting my makeup done for the show because you know I gotta look good for Nor Michaels.

Colin Jost: Nor Michaels?

Punkie Johnson: Anyway, I see Zoe walk past and I say, “Ay, don’t I know you?”

Mikey Day: Yes, you did because she was hosting this show. That happened that week.

Punkie Johnson: My bad, Ms. Dachanese.

Mikey Day: Okay, last one. Here we go. Patrick Dempsey.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, I think there’s no way that she knows who Patrick Dempsey is. I guess I’m gonna say Patrick Stewart.

Mikey Day: Okay. No, she actually did mean Patrick Dempsey. She knows Patrick Dempsey.

Punkie Johnson: You’re damn right. I do know Mr. Dempsey. Dr. Derek Shepherd, baby.

Colin Jost: You’re a fan of Grey’s Anatomy?

Punkie Johnson: Hell, yeah. I love every show Bobby Rhimes.

Colin Jost: You mean Shonda Rhimes?

Punkie Johnson: No, I think you mean Busta Rhymes.

Colin Jost: No. Punkie and Mikey, everyone.

Weekend Update- Puerto Rico’s Only Zoo Closes, Man Plans to Turn Jail into Airbnb

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Emmy’s Awards logo.]

Colin Jost: As this year’s award season gets underway, there’s growing movement to get rid of the gendered categories of Best Actor and Best Actress, and instead call them “Best Actor and Best actor who got paid less.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says, “Man turning jail into AirB&B.”]

Michael Che: A man in Missouri is planning to turn an abandoned jail into an Airbnb rental, which will make it the first jail that refuses to accept black people.

[picture changes to Puerto Rico map]

It was announced that Puerto Rico’s only zoo is closing after years of alleged animal neglect. Worse, the zoo’s closing is being advertised as “All of you can eat.”

[Ct to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a lizard.]

Colin Jost: Biologists in Florida are warning that the Jesus Christ lizard named for its ability to run on water could spread harmful diseases to humans. They hope to control the population by introducing a punctious pilot lizard.

[picture changes to James Bond books]

It was reported that the James Bond books are being rewritten to remove offensive material. So the character Pussy Galore will now be called Cooter Aplenty.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Disneyland.]

Michael Che: A California man has set a new world record by visiting Disneyland for 2,995 consecutive days, but still no sign of his kid.

[Picture changes to an article that says “Married men live longer lives”.]

A new study- I tried to plow right through. A new study finds that married men live a longer, healthier life. Yeah, but for what?

[Picture changes to an article that says “Porn star’s broken penis turns black”.]

A porn star in Australia revealed that while recently filming a new movie, he broke his penis and he’s really sad now, he who broke his penis and said it went completely black, which you know means it’s never going back. The man has adjusted to his new black penis by filming all his sex scenes in timberlands. [Picture changes to Timberland boots.] It’s really sad. Iit’s really sad.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a calendar marked on monday]

Colin Jost: A new trend among younger workers is “Bare Minimum Monday” in which they do as little as possible on the first day of the workweek. While a new trend among World War II veterans is realizing their sacrifice meant nothing.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Clam found born same year as Lincoln.”]

Michael Che: Fishermen in Florida have discovered a 214 year old clam that was born the same year as Abraham Lincoln. The clam credits his longevity to stand away from the theater.

You never know, Colin.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Cardi B and McDonald’s logo.]

Colin Jost: Some owners of McDonald’s franchises are reportedly concerned about a campaign partnership with Cardi B, especially the ad where they claim their burgers have a wet ass Patty.

Weekend Update- Dilbert on Scott Adams’ Racist Rant

Dilbert… Michael Longfellow

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Newspapers around the country are dropping beloved comic strip Dilbert after its creator Scott Adams went on a racist rant last week advocating for white people to get the hell away from black people. Off the record, he’s got a point. Here to comment- That’s what the card says. Here to comment is Dilbert.

[Dilbert slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Dilbert: Hey, Michael.

Michael Che: Hi, Dilbert. So had you ever seen this side of Scott Adams before?

Dilbert: Michael, I think I can speak for myself and the entire all white staff at the Dilbert offices when I say this was a total shock. I mean, most cartoonists are weird, but racist weird? Let’s just say I didn’t see that memo. Right? Memos? Work is boring, but it can be- It can be funny too. That’s kind of my thing.

Michael Che: So you just thought Scott was weird?

Dilbert: No, I knew he was bad. He made me go into the office every single day during COVID and he knows I’m auto immune.

Michael Che: You’re auto immune?

Dilbert: Do I look like somebody who’s not auto immune? Yes, I’m a real athlete. My hair is skin, Michael.

Michael Che: Your hair skin?

Dilbert: Yes. I cannot stress this enough. My hair is entirely skin. And it has been the great tragedy of my life.

Michael Che: I’m very sorry.

Dilbert: No, I’m sorry, Michael, for racism. Maybe I was just blind to it. I mean, my glasses are literally opaque white. But to me, he was just Scott, the funny guy. The Trump supporting cartoonist who did magic in his spare time, had a great Kevin Hart impression.

Michael Che: Well, that sounds like a racist to me.

Dilbert: Well, it turns out he was a racist. And I’m his prize creation. I mean, what does that make me? I wanted answers. So I took a god forbid personal day and really started to dig in on the concept of what is work, right? Reading Karl Marx, Stokely Carmichael, lots of the black radicals.

Michael Che: What?

Dilbert:  And I realized something. Even mundane work serves to uphold a capitalist system built to maintain a racial hierarchy. But that’s all about to change. Race war’s coming. You ready, Michael?

Michael Che: What?

Dilbert: Are you ready because Dilbert is ready. I woke up this morning ready to take the streets and paint the city with a blood of the white man.

Michael Che: Whoa! That’s pretty intense, man.

Dilbert: Yeah, I had a cup of coffee. And Michael, like I always say, “Don’t even talk to me before my coffee.”

Michael Che: Dilbert, everybody.

Dilbert: This could have been an email.

Weekend Update- Harvey Weinstein and R. Kelly’s Prison Sentences, NBA Slam Dunk Contest

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of books.]

Colin Jost: The publisher of Roald Dahl’s books announced that they’re altering some of his insensitive language like the words “fat” and “ugly”, as well as modernizing his portrayal of women, which will mostly affect dolls beloved children’s classic, “the fat ugly wife who knew her place”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Brittney Griner.]

Michael Che: It was announced that Brittney Griner has signed with the Phoenix Mercury for one year. Unfortunately, the WNBA pays less than a Russian prison.

[picture changes to an alligator]

A four foot long alligator was discovered in Brooklyn’s prospect park. So you can probably take down all those missing dog posters.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Harvey Weinstein and R. Kelly.]

Colin Jost: This week, both Harvey Weinstein and R. Kelly were given additional prison sentences on top of the ones they are already serving. Which brings us to Michael Che’s new segment, “What do they even do wrong?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Harvey Weinstein and R. Kelly.]

Michael Che: I mean, if anything, they’re guilty of loving too much, right? Players gotta play, am I right? Ladies? No!

Male voice: This has been “What did they even do wrong?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of New Jersey map.]

Colin Jost: You made some really good points, Michael. A new report shows that New Jersey has the second worst roads in the country. While the worst roads are the ones that go into New Jersey.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a pack of Vitamin C pills]

Michael Che: Experts have debunked claims that an unwanted pregnancy can be terminated with high doses of vitamin C. Well, that’s the last time I ask a woman to stay over for breakfast, Colin.

The NBA slam dunk was won by MAC McClung, a 6’2″ white man who has only appeared in two NBA games, which is just a terrible way to end Black History Month.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Push for more people in winter sports”.]

Colin Jost: The National brotherhood of skiers is pushing for greater representation of black people in winter sports, which are predominantly white. Hmm. So it seems like someone’s a little jealous that we took their precious dunk contest.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marked on February Michael Che7th.]

Michael Che: Monday is national polar bear day, previously known as national “polar bears” day. I don’t know, I love this audience. It’s going great from me.

A woman at an art fair in Miami accidentally shattered a Jeff Koons sculpture worth more than $40,000. Well, I guess it’s like you always say, Colin, coons ain’t safe in Florida.

Colin Jost: You’re gonna get me killed.

Weekend Update- Gina Bianchi on the Joys of Motherhood

Gina Bianchi… Heidi Gardner

Colin Jost

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A new study shows that the COVID baby bump is over as fewer Americans are choosing to have kids. Here to comment on the joys of motherhood is Gina Bianchi, a woman with four daughters and one son?

[Gina Bianchi slides in]

Gina Bianchi: Hi. Hey, sweetheart. Oh, you boys look so nice.

Colin Jost: Thank you, Gina. So you’re a mom of five . Tell us about motherhood.

Gina Bianchi: Oh my god. I love it. I mean, so I’ve got my four daughters. And you know, my daughter, they’re fine. But, my son. Oh my god, I love my son. Okay, so he came over last Sunday. He was hungover. I mean, he’s always hungover. What was he doing? He’s in my fridge. Okay, he’s pulling out ham, turkey, mayonnaise. He’s filling up a cooler. He leaves. Doesn’t say bye. I’m cracking up. And my daughter’s, they say, “You can’t take ma’s food. That’s ma’s food.” I say, “Who cares? Girls, shut up.” Anthony’s 38 years old. He’s a growing boy. Oh, my daughter is so annoying. But my son, oh I love my son.

Colin Jost: Right. I got it. So what would you tell someone that’s on the fence about having kids?

Gina Bianchi: They surprise you every day. Like yesterday, my son. [laughing] Oh, what was he doing? Oh, he was going through my wallet. The kid is pulling out $20, $40, $60 bills. He writes himself a check for 14 grand from my checkbook. Okay. What’s he writing on the memo? Putting up with ma. I’m dying over here. I’m dying over here. My daughters say, “That’s ma’s money. You can’t take ma’s money.” I’m like, “Girls, please. You’re not pretty enough to be this irritating.” But my son, oh my god, I love my son.

Colin Jost: Yeah. No, no, we’ve heard a lot about your son. Well, why don’t you tell me about your daughters?

Gina Bianchi: They’re doctors. But my son, he did this hilarious prank last night where he pretended to rob me at gunpoint.

Colin Jost: Oh, no, that’s terrible.

Gina Bianchi: My daughter’s say “You can’t do that.” My daughters? Argh, they bought me a house. But my son? I mean, I would if I could.

Colin Jost: Okay, all right. Well, yeah. Let’s getting back to the topic of parenthood. Do you think your kids are going to have kids someday?

Gina Bianchi: Oh, please. There’s not a woman out there good enough for my son.

Colin Jost: Okay, so Anthony’s single.

Gina Bianchi: No. He’s been married for two years. And I just have this feeling, okay? That she has given him nothing in bed. Like she completely ignores his balls. What?

Colin Jost: Okay. Why are you thinking about that?

Gina Bianchi: Okay. And I bet she’s obsessed with having an orgasm. Like, no honey, that’s not how it works. When he’s done, you’re done.

Colin Jost: Gina Bianchi, everyone.

Gina Bianchi: I love all my kids equally.

Weekend Update- Biden Meets with Zelenskyy in Ukraine, the Oscars’ Crisis Team

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden and Zelenskyy]

This week, President Biden made a historic visit to Ukraine and met with Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelenskyy, where they greeted each other like two action figures having sex. Then on the one year anniversary of the war in Ukraine, both Biden and Vladimir Putin gave speeches about the conflict. There was a language barrier, but the subtitles helped me figure out what Biden was saying. Many Republicans are criticizing President Biden’s decision to go to the Ukraine instead of going to Ohio to deal with a toxic train derailment. But Biden said he was just waiting to shoot the train down until it was over the ocean.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden.]

Michael Che: President Biden is being praised for his surprise visit to Ukraine by taking a 10 hour train ride from Poland. You know who else takes a long ass train ride through an active war zone? Every New Yorker.

[picture changes to Ukraine map]

China’s trying to help in the war in Ukraine and propose a 12 part plan for peace. The catch is the 12 parts have to be assembled by children.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump.]

Colin Jost: Donald Trump visited East Palestine the site of the recent train derailment because Trump usually likes to try to make himself look better by standing next to a train wreck. [picture changes to Giuliani]

The train that was derailed was carrying highly toxic vinyl chloride, which I think is something Trump recommended as a cure for COVID. Then while visiting the disaster site, Trump also gave out bottles of Trump branded water. Said residents, “Thanks but we’d rather drink the toxic train water.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture Pete Buttigieg.]

Michael Che: Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg visited the site of the train derailment and was criticized for wearing leather dress boots. But give him a break, that’s all they had at baby GAP.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a pictre of Tucker Carlson.]

Colin Jost: Tucker Carlson seen here at a whites only rave has been granted access to over 40,000 hours of security footage from the January 6 attack on the Capitol. “Who could watch all that without going insane?” said psychiatrist about Tucker Carlson show.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Marjorie Taylor Greene.]

Michael Che: Georgia representative and cocaine bear Marjorie Taylor Greene tweeted the country needs a national divorce, which makes sense because she’s the most divorce looking woman I have ever seen.

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis is releasing a new memoir called “The Courage To Be Free”. Even though the courage to be free sounds like a black history book he’s banned.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of The Oscars logo.]

Colin Jost: It was announced that the producers of this year’s Academy Awards have set up a crisis team to deal with any incidents similar to last year as Will Smith slap. Guys, it’s not gonna happen again. I’m sure you wish it would for ratings. If anything, the promos for the Oscars should be “Who’s gonna get slapped this year?” “Can Ana de Armas beat the  Tar out of Caitlyn?” “Which Banshee will knock the shoes off Marcel the Shell?” And “Who has what it takes to whale on Brendan Fraser?”

Weekend Update- U.S. Shoots Down Chinese Spy Balloon, FBI Searches Biden’s Beach House

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a balloon.]

Earlier today, an American fighter jet shot down a suspected Chinese surveillance balloon that had been spotted crossing the United States officially ending history’s most complicated gender reveal party. And bad news for China, it’s a girl.

[picture changes to China’s map]

Chinese officials condemn the US decision to destroy the surveillance balloon saying it was a civilian aircraft. Okay, but even civilian aircraft can be extremely dangerous. [picture changes to Spirit airlines]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a book.]

Michael Che: The revised AP African American history class removed the names of several black authors that Florida officials called problematic. Instead, they’ve been replaced with authors they call “One of the good ones.”

[picture changes to George Santos]

Representative George Santos said that he is stepping aside from his committee assignments to prevent being a distraction. He added, “The last thing I want is attention,” then he sashayed away in a feather boa.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of George Santos.]

Colin Jost: It was also reported that George Santos lied to potential campaign donors that he was a producer of the Broadway musical “Spider Man Turn Off the Dark.” Though he did end up working with the Green Goblin. [picture changes to George Santos wearing green dress] Thank you.

[picture changes to Kevin McCarthy]

Speaker The House Kevin McCarthy seen here wanting to know if you or someone you love has been injured in a car accident, met in person with President Biden about the debt ceiling and said they had a good conversation. It went so well, Biden let him pick a couple of classified documents out of the bowl.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden.]

Michael Che: The FBI searched President Biden’s Delaware beach house but found no classified documents. Also, the next time somebody tells you that Biden got billions from China, remember that his beach house is in Delaware.

[picture changes to Donald Trump]

It was announced that Donald Trump’s golf courses will host three live golf tournaments this year furthering Trump’s ties to Saudi Arabia. That relationship makes sense. I mean, Saudi Arabia needs venues for their golf tournaments and Trump needs oil for that big old dump truck. [picture changes to Donald Trump playing tennis]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of capitol building.]

Colin Jost: Senate voted to designate January ‘National stalking Awareness Month,’ which is a good reminder that we’re only a few weeks away from stalker’s Christmas. [picture changes to a Valentine’s Day card] To close to home.

[picture changes to a handgun]

Florida has proposed legislation that would allow residents to carry firearms without a permit. Also everyone gets to do one murder.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump.]

Michael Che: Newly released video of a deposition to New York’s Attorney General’s Office shows former President Trump taking the 5th hundreds of times. Also taking a 5th, his lawyer. [picture changes to Giuliani holding a bottle of liquor]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’ a picture of LVII Super Bowl logo.]

Colin Jost: For the first time ever, two brothers will be facing off against each other in the Super Bowl. Incidentally, two brothers in the Super Bowl is why my grandfather won’t be watching.

Michael Che: On February, man. Wow.

Weekend Update- Punxsutawney Phil on Seeing His Shadow

Michael Che

Punxsutawney Phil… Michael Longfellow

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This Thursday was Groundhog Day and Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow which means six more weeks of winter. Here to talk about it is Punxsutawney Phil.

Punxsutawney Phil: Hey, Che.

Michael Che: Hey, man. So six more weeks of winter. I mean, do you have any advice?

Punxsutawney Phil: I don’t know, man. Things are bleak out there. Write it out. I guess. [smokes]

Michael Che: You seem pretty down. I thought it was a big day for you.

Punxsutawney Phil: Dude. What’s the point of me? A weather predicting Groundhog in the year 2023? I’m useless. I’m like a condom in Nick Cannon’s wallet.

Michael Che: But you did see your shadow?

Punxsutawney Phil: Honestly, I’m seeing shadows everywhere. Climate change has made it all meaningless. Is winter still even a thing? Sure, it’s seven degrees now but I jogged in shorts on Tuesday.

Michael Che: You jog?

Punxsutawney Phil: For the resolution. And I wasn’t about to do dry January, you know what I mean? Alcohol. The only cool way to wet the bed. You know the core stopped?

Michael Che: What?

Punxsutawney Phil: The earth’s core stopped spinning. Look. [there’s an article that says “Earth’s inner core may have stopped turning”] See? Just straight up stopped. They want me to go to work? I’m a groundhog. I live close to the core, Che. Well not that close but close enough that when it stopped spinning I was like “Whoa. You guys feel that?” Cool if I do a bump real quick?

Michael Che: No.

Punxsutawney Phil: Happy afterparty, very nice. You know the moon is the sun now?

Michael Che: What?

Punxsutawney Phil: Look. [there’s a picture of a sun that looks like a moon] Because of wildfires, this is what the sun looks like in California for like weeks at a time. It’s like you’re on a Star Wars planet. Not even a good one. Like, one of those dusty poor ones. Hey, you know for me, this is space.

Michael Che: I don’t know what that means.

Punxsutawney Phil: Well, groundhogs live underground. So to me this is space. Houston requesting oxygen break. [smokes] You know NPR thing?

Michael Che: What NPR thing?

Punxsutawney Phil: Time is an illusion. Yes, science guys are saying this. It’s not just an excuse I used whenever my old lady says I missed our anniversary. We step out, guys like us, don’t we?

Michael Che: What do you mean guys like us?

Punxsutawney Phil: Oh, come on. I’m Punxsutawney Phil. She knows what she signed up for.

Michael Che: Oh, you’re like a bad groundhog.

Punxsutawney Phil: I’m not a bad groundhog. I just like good beaver.

Michael Che: Oh man.

Punxsutawney Phil: But seriously, I’m trying to keep my mind right by getting back to the basics, touching the grass, eating the grass, smoking the grass. You know, top people touch me, that’s probably why I drink wax.

Michael Che: What?

Punxsutawney Phil: You heard me. Look, at the end of the day. I just want to live a long peaceful life and then die of natural causes.

Michael Che: That’s actually very sweet.

Punxsutawney Phil: Well, for Groundhog natural causes means getting obliterated by an 18 wheeler on the Pennsylvania Turnpike.

Michael Che: Oh my god.

Punxsutawney Phil: They say you can’t even feel it. I’ll let you know.

Michael Che: Punxsutawney Phil, everybody.

Punxsutawney Phil: Live in a simulation.

Weekend Update- Milly Pounds and Shirty on the British Monarchy

Michael Che

Milly Pounds… James Austin Johnson

Shirty… Devon Walker

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The United Kingdom will be crowning its new king and queen soon launching a new era of the British Monarchy. Here to comment our British rappers Milly Pounds and Shirty.

[Milly Pounds and Shirty slide in]

[cheers and applause]

Milly Pounds: Thanks Che.

Michael Che: So guys, what’s going on with the royal family? I mean can you give us an update?

Milly Pounds: Right, right, okay, listen mate. Okay. All the focus is on the Royals, right? When it should be on England’s exploitative tabloid press, right? It’s Pants, mate.

Shirty: Pants.

Milly Pounds: Rubbish mate.

Shirty: Pants mate.

Michael Che: Sorry?

Shirty: It’s pants, okay? It’s pants.

Michael Che: What are the pants?

Milly Pounds: It’s pants. The main door boy area, right? We know what really goes down? We’ve known Harry since our days at Eton.

Michael Che: You guys went to Eton?

Shirty: Yeah. Eton your mom’s bum.

Milly Pounds: No, but seriously, look, look. If you want us to sum up our thoughts, take up the pods and hear me all right. Because we have a way of talking back in the ends.

[music playing]

Ay.

Shirty: Shirty.

Milly Pounds: Milly Pounds

Shirty: Yeah.

Milly Pounds: [rapping] Prince Harry, Prince Harry
stayed over at Tyler Perry’s
press cold like Brandon Jerris
I’m allergic to dairy

Shirty: Harry and Megan
Ronald Reagan
Inter-racial dating
Queen said not today
the king is coming like
I slide down the road like
your girl saw me like
mans like me got a million shooters
coz I stay hot like Yan Wudus

Michael Che: Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, Stop. Who is Yan Wudus?

Milly Pounds: Che, why did you stop it, mate? We shed so many facts.

Shirty: Facts.

Michael Che: You really didn’t.

Milly Pounds: Okay listen, it’s not all chicken shops and tika masala.

Shirty: Glasgow.

Milly Pounds: But I think this next verse will really shine a light on what’s happening where we come from. Right?

[music playing]

[rapping] Rishi Sunak, Prime Minister, you know that
he got styles like Harry, I’m allergic to dairy

Shirty: kicking hard

your boyfriend’s poor
I make more
I chat online with your girl on computers
because I stay hot like Yan Wudus

Michael Che: Okay, wait, wait. What is phew, phew. What is that? I grew up in New York in the 90s. Okay, so I consider myself a pretty fricative fresh guy when it comes to hip hop. But I’ve never heard that before.

Milly Pounds: Okay, you see, back home, we don’t really have guns, do we? But we do have little tiny knives that we carry with us at all times. And those kinds of sound likes phew, phew.

Michael Che: Okay. Okay, but who is Yan Wudus?

Milly Pounds: Oh, he’s like a semi obscure Dutch footballer from the 80s.

Michael Che: I get it. You guys like soccer? So can you at least tell us what the Brits feel about FIFA?

Milly Pounds: How do the Brits feel about FIFA? Check it.

[music playing]

[rapping] FIFA corrupt,
your girl told me “What’s up?”
I told her I’m tryna see that butt
I’m allergic to dairy

Shirty: FIFA soccer
tea, no coffee
Milly and me on a Vespa scooter
because I stay hot like Yan Wudus

Michael Che: Millly Pounds and Shirty, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Genetics Company Reviving the Dodo Bird, Bear Poses for Selfies

 

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a dodo.]

Colin Jost: A genetic engineering company has announced plans to bring back the long extinct dodo bird, but only for a limited time at Arby’s.

Male voice: Arby’s, we have the dodo’s.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of AMC logo.]

Michael Che: AMC Theaters is celebrating Black History Month by offering $5 tickets to recently released black led movies like “Wakanda Forever” and “The Woman King.” They’re also honoring black people by starting the movie 20 minutes late. Did you get that Colin?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a bear.]

Colin Jost: I don’t know. I don’t know what you’re talking about. Police officials in Colorado say that a bear discovered a wildlife camera in the woods and posed for more than 400 selfies. 400 selfies of a bear is also known as a Grindr profile.

[picture changes to a smartphone]

The US Surgeon General is warning that children are joining social media at too young and age, and they should wait until they’re at least Colin Jost6, when they’re hotter.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a house.]

Michael Che: A new study finds that despite women making less money than men, more single women in the US own homes than single men. Thanks to a phenomenon economist called divorce.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of chicken wings.]

Colin Jost: Whoo, divorce. A school official in Illinois has been arrested on charges of stealing over $1 million worth of chicken wings. Said the official, “I swear, I was gonna give all the money back.”

Michael Che: No, don’t.