Category:

Sound of Music- Rolf and Liesl

Rolf… John Mulaney

Liesl… Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with show schedule]

This is Turner Classic Movies. Up next it’s “Fiddler On The Roof For Wasps, The Sound Of Music.”

[Cut to Rolf standing alone in a room. Liesl runs in.]

Liesl: Oh Rolf, you waited.

Rolf: Oh Liesl, I was beginning to think you wouldn’t come.

Liesl: Sorry I’m late. The captain made me sing in a night gown in front of all his friends.

Rolf: The captain’s your dad, right? Yes, and I’m worried about him. Papa says I’m too young to be in love but I think I love you.

[music playing]

[singing] I am 16, going on 17
I know that naive
fellows who meet me tell me I’m sweet
and willingly I believe

Rolf: That’s true.

Liesl: You are 17, going on 18

Rolf: Actually I’m 33

Liesl: Wait, what?

Rolf: I know I look young and I said I’m young
But I lied, I’m 33

Liesl: You’re 33? But, you ride a bicycle.

Rolf: Oh, that’s because I’m very poor, darling.

Liesl: And you live with your mother.

Rolf: Wow, she’s got a list. Look, you’re only as old as you feel. Liesl, do you know what statutory means?

Liesl: No.

Rolf: It means I looked it up and we’re on the right side of the cusp.

Liesl: I don’t know, Rolf. It’s a pretty big age difference. And I don’t want to say this but there’s rumors that you’re maybe a Nazi maybe.

Rolf: Focus on the age stuff.

Liesl: Well, I don’t know if I can trust you.

[music playing]

Rolf: [singing] Don’t be dramatic it’s not a great look
trust me I know what guys like

Liesl: But I am 16

Rolf: And I am 38
I’ve had some birthdays since we started talking

Liesl: 38? But you said 33.

Rolf: Oh, let me explain.

[singing] I am 33, next month I’ll be 39
baby I’m 41

Liesl: Rolf?

Rolf: Liesl? I know you’re freaked out but this is Austria, 1930-bad. In a few months, this will be the least of your worries.

Liesl: You keep saying stuff like that.

Rolf: Can I help it that I’m attracted to you? You’re so mature and sophisticated.

Liesl: Really? You think I seem older?

Rolf: Yes. What? With the complaining and those hefty naturals? Honestly, when I first came to the house, I thought you were the mom.

Liesl: Oh, I don’t know. You’re a geriatric telegram boy. And I’m rich and good with puppets. So you do the math.

Rolf: I know I’m not perfect. But I’ve talked to mother and I’m moving out.

Liesl: Really? You bought a house?

Rolf: No. I rented. With roommates.

[singing] Ricks and Hans and Kevin and Girble

and four other guys named Hans

Liesl: That’s a lot of Nazis. But I still don’t know how I feel about dating an older guy.

Rolf: Oh, Rolf. Age is just a number that the government keeps track of. For example,

[singing] I am 46

Liesl: That’s older than my father

Rolf: Damn how sexy is that?

Liesl: I do like attention and not to mention
my brain’s not totally formed

Rolf: Oh, Liesl. I like that so much.

[a man and a woman walk in with two other guards.]

Woman: That’s him.

Man: Stop it at once!

Liesl: Papa?

Rolf: Oh, hello Gaylord.

Man: Oh, shut up.

Rolf: But that’s your name, isn’t it? Gaylord Vantrap.

Man: Yes. But you know what you’re doing.

Woman: Oh, just arrest the pervert.

Man: Hey, how old are you by the way?

Woman: [singing] I’m old enough but it’s still kind of dicey

Man: Lehi-ho lehi-ho lehi-um-hmm.

Kyle’s Transformation

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

John Mulaney

Justin Theroux

[Starts with Beck Bennett and Kyle Mooneyat the office]

Beck: Man, psyched for Mulaney this week.

Kyle: Yeah. Any idea what you’re working on?

Beck: Um, maybe Halloween wrap or Christmas wrap.

Kyle: Cool.

[John Mulaney knocks the door and walks in]

John: Hey, guys.

Beck: Hey, John.

Kyle: What’s up, man?

John: Um, I’m gonna write this strip club sketch where all the guys play male strippers. And I was just making sure that you, Beck, were okay with taking your shirt off.

Beck: Yeah. Of course. That sounds amazing.

Kyle: Yeah. Do- do you think you’ll be needing me for the sketch?

John: As like a awkward guy?

Kyle: I don’t know. As one of the dancers?

John: Oh, Kyle, I don’t know if you’re like, exactly built for for that.

Beck: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Kyle: Of course. Right.

Beck: Yeah. And whatever that is, [pointing at Kyle’s face] it might not work.

Kyle: [laughs lightly] Totally.

John: I mean it’s like [thinks hard]. Come on, Kyle.

[Kyle slowly starts hearing them in echos]

Beck: I mean, can you imagine if he was in it?

John: I mean that’d be like, have to just cut.

Beck: Yeah. Yeah.

[Cut to Kyle narrating]

Kyle: So, it’s Mulaney week which is always a blast. And there are already so many amazing ideas. Unfortunately, I’m not always gonna be a part of those great ideas because I guess people think of me as one thing.

[Kyle walks by the hall. He peeks inside writer’s room.]

Male: Who should play the dork?

John: Uhh, definitely Kyle.

Male: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Obviously.

[Kyle starts remembering his past sketches where he played dork.]

[Cut to Kyle narrating]

Kyle: And I think it’s time for me to change that. Here we go.

[Cut to Beck walking to his office. Rock music is playing inside and guys are making noise. He knocks the door.]

Beck: Kyle, what the hell?

[Kyle opens the door. Their shared room office is filled with gym equipments and there are two trainers for Kyle in there.]

Kyle: Beck, sorry man. Must have got a little carried away. Come on in. [breathing heavy] I moved some stuff around. Hope that’s cool. [pointing at guy trainer] This is Justin. He is helping me to get into fighting shape.

Justin: Justin Theroux. Nice to meet you.

Kyle: [pointing at girl trainer] That’s Nadia. She’s my nutritionist. Or as we like to call her ‘she who will slap cookies out of my hand.’ Ha-ha-ha. I had to man.

Beck: Kyle, what the hell is this all about?

Kyle: The strip club sketch that Mulaney’s writing. I wanna be in it. And NBC said they’d fill the bill if I wanna train. So, I’m just trying to make it happen.

Beck: Okay, well, I mean I need to work.

Kyle: Of course, brother. Hey, me too. Ha-ha-ha. [Kyle plays rock music again] Come on, now! Here we go. Are you ready? [Kyle does the exercises making too much noise]

Justin: Three more!

Beck: It’s kinda’ hard to work.

[Cut to Kyle narrating. He looks jacked.]

Kyle: So, I’ve been hitting it pretty hard. I’ve gained 37 pounds of muscle in, let’s see here, two days. And I’m feeling like, “Get me in that strip club sketch.” But I do feel good. And it’s pretty crazy, you know. People are starting to treat me a little different around here.

[Cut to Kyle doing crossfit in the office hallway.]

Chris: Damn, Kyle looks jacked.

Aidy: I know. He’s so hot. He’s gonna be put in every comedy sketch.

[Kyle finishes his workout. Nadis lets him have a bite of his bread.]

[Chloe Fineman approaches to Kyle]

Chloe: Hey, Kyle, you left one of your juices rotting on my desk.

Kyle: Sorry, Chloe. I’m such a spazz. But that’s just me, I guess. I love hiking and my family.

Chloe: Aww, Kyle. Hey, would you ever wanna–

Kyle: Have sex with each other?

Chloe: Well, I was gonna say grab a drink.

Kyle: Ah! I can’t drink anymore. But I can have sex with you before my 5 PM bedtime.

Chloe: Um, okay.

Kyle: Yeah. Let’s do it. I’m feeling pretty good.

Chloe: Oh!

[Cut to Kyle narrating]

Kyle: Well, I put in the work, became less interesting. And now they’re gonna put me on the cover of SNL Magazine. So, what do you say we check in on that strip club sketch. [screams] Ah!

[Cut to Kyle in Lorne Michaels’ office.]

Lorne: So, Kyle. Everybody’s happy about the body. So, what’s next?

Kyle: Lorne, it’s been amazing awesome experience and for working with you. But I gotta know, am I get into that Mulaney strip club sketch?

Lorne: Oh, I know John. I can put in a call.

[Kyle walks to Lorne Michaels to shake hands]

Kyle: I appreciate it, big boss man.

Lorne: [trying to feel Kyle’s biceps] Can I?

Kyle: Please.

Lorne: Ouf!

[Cut to Kyle narrating]

Kyle: Alright. We did it. I got in the sketch. [screaming] Ah!

[John walks to Kyle]

John: Oh, hey, Kyle.

Kyle: Hey.

John: Hey, big rewrite on the strip club sketch. I’ve been looking for you. It’s just gonna be a bunch of awkward guys now.

Kyle: Oh, okay.

John: So, we’re gonna lose you.

Kyle: Alright, got it.

John: And also, you’re fired from the show.

Kyle: Aw, man. Really?

John: Yeah.

Kyle: Awkward question, can I get your autograph?

John: Yeah, okay.

Kyle: [celebrating] Alright!

[Cut to SNL magazine with John Mulaney on the front page. It’s signed by him to Kyle.]

John Mulaney Monologue

John Mulaney

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, John Mulaney.

[John Mulaney walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

John Mulaney: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It is great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. My name is 1 and if you’re watching at home and you don’t know who I am, I’m sorry. Um, I am like Louis Farrakhan. I mean a lot to a small group of people. It’s a leap year Saturday and I am the first person to ever host Saturday Night Live on a leap year Saturday. It’s very exciting. Yes. I am also the first hots who has done the least in between his second and third time hosting. I have nothing coming up. I am here to promote the month of March. “March, if winter had spring. March.”

Clap if your father is between the ages of 60 and 75. [audience clapping] Yeah. What’s going on with them? What’s wrong with them? They’re so emotional. My dad hugs me so tightly sometimes, I’m like, “Is one of us about to die?” And my dad has no friends. And your dad has no friends. If you think your dad has friends, you’re wrong. You mom has friends and they have husbands. Those are not your dad’s friends. Why do none of our baby boomer dads have friends? I have a few theories. One, they forgot. Two, they want to be alone. Dads want to be alone. I’m not a dad but i observed one. And he would go into his room and read about World War II. All of our dads are cramming for some World War II quiz show and I can’t wait to watch it. We’re just going to change channels and see how our dads win a $900,000 on Normandy Triva. Another theory I have is that dads really only care about money. But you’re not allowed to talk about money in United States. It’s taboo. So, they don’t have anything to talk about, so they have no friends.

A friend of mine once told me that he would rather his wife die than go through a divorce with her. He said that to me. Later that day I asked him, “Hey, what are you making this year?” And he said, “That’s personal.” It is hard to make friends when you’re an adult male. I think that’s the greatest miracle of Jesus, truly, is that he was a 33 year old man and he had 12 best friends. And they were not his wife’s friends or husbands. And he didn’t meet them a long time ago in school. He met them in his 30s. Twelve best friends! Remember when your dad went fishing once? These guys went fishing every day. They were all best friends. And he’d do magic tricks for them and they loved it. He did magic tricks to the one time that he should have done magic and then he forgot to. And they were taking– that must have been disappointing for his twelve best friends. They’re taking him away in chains and they’re like, “Do the chain trick you have.” “I don’t know. I don’t know how to break chains.”

Shifting topics entirely. It is a leap year I said. Leap year began in the year 45 BC under Julius Caesar. It’s true. He started the leap year in order to correct the calendar and we still do it to this day. Another thing that happened under Julius Caesar was he was such a powerful maniac that all the senators grabbed knives and they stabbed him to death. That’d be an interesting thing if we brought that back now. I asked my lawyer if I could make that joke and he said, “Let me call another lawyer” and that lawyer said yes. I don’t want to dwell on politics but I dislike the founding fathers immensely. They are weird group of guys. I hate when people are like, “Go has never created such a great group of men as the founding fathers.” Yeah, the 92 bulls. The 92 bulls were better than the founding fathers. The 96 bulls, maybe. That’s actually a perfect metaphor for the United States. When I was a boy, the United States was like, Michael Jordan in 1992. And now, the United States is like Michael Jordan now. The founding fathers were dumb because they made the constitution and they numbered it and the order is weird. They sat down, they had a feather. They knew how to make a pen. They were just being jerks. “Amendment number one, freedom of speech. And freedom of assembly. And freedom of religion. Okay, that’s one. How about two?” [yelling] “You can have all the guns you want.” “For two? How about like 17, 19?” “No, two. Guns!” “Alright. Let’s just put guns. He seems upset. Alright. Amendment number three.” [yelling] “The army can’t live in your house.” “Okay, buddy. I think you’re going through your own thing in life right now. And I feel for you. I think a soldier might be sleeping with your wife and you want to grab a gun and kill him. And I feel for you. But that cannot affect the list. This is like a ‘forever list.’ And we haven’t even got into basics like morning time is when you eat breakfast. So.” “Put it down in writing. The army can’t live in your house.”  And don’t you thank god everyday for that third amendment? The other afternoon, this was Tuesday. I was in my apartment and the buzzer rang. And it was 101st airborne. And they said, “Permission to live in your house?” And I went, “Third amendment.” And he said, “Gentlemen, he’s invoked the third. Let’s fall out and find another house to live in. A thing that we do.”

In summary and in summation, a very nice thing happened to me this year. This is truly lovely. A young woman from the make a wish foundation made it her wish to meet me. And I was very flattered by that. I was very honored that she wanted to meet me. I was very concerned that she used he wish to meet me. I’m not someone, you know, you need to wish to meet. I’m around. I take the four-five express train a lot. I take this six. You can find me. You need the ‘make a plan foundation’ to find me. But I wanted to do it. And she said, “I just want to see how you spend a day.” And I said, “Oh, no. That’s even worse. I wouldn’t wish that on a healthy adult.” So, I didn’t want her to sit around watching me eat sour patch kids and repeat gossip. So, I brought her here to Saturday Night Live coz I still had my ID badge. And I bring her into the studio. Her name is Elizabeth. And they were rehearsing a big political sketch and Lin-Manuel Miranda is in this sketch playing Julian Castro. It’s very exciting. And she sees Lin-Manuel Miranda and she says, “Is that Lin-Manuel Miranda?” And I go, “Yeah. You wanna you wanna meet Lin?” I didn’t know if he went by Lin or Lin-Manuel, and I don’t know him. But I said, “Come on, let’s go.” So, I go up. I go up, “Hey, Lin [soft voice] Manuel. This is Elizabeth. Elizabeth, Lin [soft voice] Manuel.” And he was so nice to her and he took a photo with her and it was really beautiful moment. And we were walking out those doors down that hallway afterwards. She was really emotional and she went, “I don’t know. I don’t know if I should say this.” And I said, “Elizabeth, say whatever you want.” And she said, “Lin-Manuel Miranda was my first choice.” And I made her wish come true.

We have got a great show tonight ladies and gentlemen. David Byrne is here. Stick around. We’ll be right back.

Jackie Robinson

Ego Nwodim

John Mulaney

Terence Washington… Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Mikey Day

Beck Bennett

[Starts with pictures of black figures and role models]

[There’s written ‘Forgotten Figures of Black History.’]

[Cut to Ego Nwodim in her set]

TerenceEgo Nwodim: The year was nineteenfortyseven. Baseball was America’s favorite past time. And thanks to one man, it had finally become integrated. Jackie Robinson’s courage on and off the field made a symbol of hope for black America. But sadly, not everyone was happy.

[Cut to a video clip of Jackie Robinson running in the baseball field]

Anchor: And Robinson’s heading the third base. But wait, I think he’s gonna try for home.]

[Cut to the audience cheering for Jackie Robinson. Everyone is white except one black man, Terence Washington. He is sitting with his son.]

John: Common, Jackie, you can do it.

Terence: No, no! He ain’t gonna make it.

Anchor: Here comes the throw and he is–

Terence: Out!

Anchor: Safe!

John: There you go, Jackie. That’s the way to get him.

Kyle: Hey, how about three cheers for Jackie?

All: Hurray!

Terence: Psst! Boo!

[Cut back to Ego Nwodim]

TerenceEgo Nwodim: Today on ‘Forgotten Figures of Black History,’ we take a look back at Terence Washington, the first black man to ‘boo’ Jackie Robinson at a baseball game.

[Cut to the audience]

John: Son, did you see the way Jackie flew from second to home? That was–

Terence: Selfish was what it was. Baseball ain’t about hot-dogging. Like the saying goes, slow and steady wins the baseball game.

Mikey: I don’t think that’s the saying at all.

John: What’s with this guy? How could he not like Jackie Robinson?

Kyle: He must be from out of town.

[Cut back to Ego Nwodim]

TerenceEgo Nwodim: Terence Washington was not from out of town. He grew up in Brooklyn, New York and was a life long Dodgers fan up until Jackie Robinson joined the team in nineteenforgyseven. Terence was so upset by Robinson’s arrival, he’d show up to dodgers games and root for the other team.

[Cut to the audience]

Beck: I don’t know. I still say this Robinson guy is all hype.

Terence: Oh, thank you. He gets it.

John: Are you crazy? He’s the best ball player I’ve ever seen.

Terence: What?

Beck: Get out of here.

Kyle: I don’t know about that. What about Joe DiMaggio?

Beck: Or Ted Williams?

Terence: Or Terence Washington.

Mikey: What about the Stan ‘the man’ Musial?

Terence: Or Terence ‘the enlarged heart’ Washington.

John: Wait, who the heck is Terence Washington?

Terence: Hah! You hear this? This chump talking about baseball but he don’t even know Terence ‘the heart murmurs’ Washington.

Beck: I gotta be honest. I don’t know that is either.

Kyle: Is his name ‘the enlarged heart?’ Or ‘the heart murmur?’

Terence: It’s both. And he’s the greatest hitter in Nigro league’s history. Plus he can run faster than a quart of prune juice through a colon.

[Cut back to Ego Nwodim]

TerenceEgo Nwodim: Terence Washington never actually played baseball. Mostly due to his enlarged heart and many heart murmurs. But the people who knew him best say that he had a personal vendetta against Robinson. Ever since his ex-wife mentioned that Jackie was handsome.

[Cut to the audience]

Anchor: Now batting with the bases rolling, Jackie Robinson.

Terence: Oh, I hate him. He ain’t even handsome.

John: Okay, if Robinson gets a hit, dodgers win.

Terence: He ain’t going to get it. He’s going to mess it up.

Mikey: What are you talking about? He’s hitting four for four.

John: Come on, Jackie, you can do it, man.

Terence: No, you can’t. [standing] Boo!

Kyle: Ay, what the hell are you doing?

John: Hey, would you stop booing? Don’t you want to show your kid that he could be whatever he wants?

Terence: [pointing at the kid] I don’t know this kid.

John: Oh, sorry. I thought you did.

Terence: All I want is to be able to enjoy the game and boo people just like everybody else.

John: Okay. But why does it have to be the one black player?

Beck: Oh, oh, so it’s okay to boo a white guys?

John: Yes.

Mikey: Wow!

John: Okay, forget I said anything. I’m not racist. Boo whoever you want. I don’t care.

Terence: You just don’t get it. All my life, I’ve been hearing ‘no.’ No, I can’t eat him. No, I can’t play baseball or I’ll have a heart attack. No, I can’t make this marriage work. No, I can’t give you a haircut that will look like Jackie Robinson. And now I can’t even ‘boo?’ I’m leaving! Nice to meet you little boy!

Kyle: Hey, wait. Buddy, what if we all ‘boo’ Jackie Robinson? Together?

Terence: You’d do that for me?

Kyle: Yeah.

Beck: Sure, buddy.

Mikey: Come on, guys.

All: [in loud voice] Boo! Boo! Boo!

Anchor: At the pitch. Swing, and a miss. Robinson seemed a little distracted.

Terence: We did it!

John: Yeah, you suck, Jackie.

Beck: Yeah, go back to the Negro leagues where you belong.

Terence: Hey, easy man. That’s way too much. Who this kid?

 

Coronavirus Cold Open

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Ben Carson… Kenan Thompson

Michael Bloomberg… Fred Armisen

Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon

Joe Biden… John Mulaney

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

Pete Buttigieg… Colin Jost

Amy Klobuchar… Rachel Dratch

[Starts with Mike Pence speaking at the White House press conference]

Mike Pence: Thank you all for coming. I’m vice president Mike Pence. [cheers and applause] Most of you know me from the “Even if Trump was removed, we’d still be stuck with Mike Pence.” President Trump as put me in charge of the corona virus even though I don’t believe in [hand gesture quoting] science. And I have to admit this disease has been quite a test of my faith just like dinosaur bones or Timothee Chalamet. But I’m prepared for the challenge. We’ve assembled a very experienced team of some of the best people left in government. Led by one of the most brilliant minds in medicine, Dr. Ben Carson.

[Ben Carson walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Ben Carson: Hello. Hello. I’m Ben Carson. You know, the brain surgeon they put in charge of house development. Well, this is something I actually do know about and rest assured in my expert opinion it’s gonna be bad.

Mike Pence: Oh, Ben don’t say that. I asked you here to put people at ease and educate them about the virus.

Ben Carson: Oh! Okie dokie okie. So, here’s what we know so far. It looks like this. [showing a picture of Disney’s Stitch] As you can see from his sharp teeth, he’s a nasty little thing. He’ll bit you.

Mike Pence: Oh, ha-ha, but don’t panic. There are still simple precautions that we can all take like covering your mouth when you cough and as always closing your eyes during intercourse.

Ben Carson: Also, we suggest getting these wonderful ‘Make America Great Again’ masks from the White House website. It may take a couple of months for delivery because they are made in Wuhan, China.

Mike Pence: Alright. Thank you Dr. Carson

Ben Carson: Oh, it’s bad.

Mike Pence: Alright. Thank you. Thank you. The important thing is that now is the time for unity and not the time to politicize this issue. So, let’s take some questions.

[Michael Bloomberg in the press section asks question]

Michael Bloomberg: Yes Mike, Bloomberg. [cheers and applause] Bloomberg news. I have a question.

Mike Pence: What are you doing here? How did you get pass security?

Michael Bloomberg: Well, I just walked in coughing and everybody got out of my way. My question is doesn’t it seem like a good time to have a president who’s competent and capable? Even if that candidate lacks charisma or ability to connect with human beings?

Mike Pence: Mr. Bloomberg, with all due respect, I’m not sure that I understand your question.

[Michael Bloomberg just gets to the podium at which Mike Pence is speaking]

Michael Bloomberg: Okay, let me say it for you in Spanish. [speaking in Spanish language] Am I correcto?

[Elizabeth Warren stands from behind the podium]

Elizabeth Warren: Yeah, I got a question for you Michael Bloomberg. [cheers and applause]

Michael Bloomberg: Senator Warren, what are you doing here?

Elizabeth Warren: Did you really think you’re going to get away from me? It’s my job now. I follow you around, make your life a living hell. I might be fifth in the polls but I’m number one in your nightmares, Mike.

[Joe Biden walks in.]

Joe Biden: Speaking of number one, guess who just kicked butt? [cheers and applause] Guess who just kicked butt in South crackle-barrel?

Mike Pence: Joe Biden? You look different.

Joe Biden: Yeah. The surgery has starting to settle. Now listen folks, if we want to fight Chin cough, we got to be smart. We got to make sure to get new teeth daily. Now, here’s an honest to goodness true story based loosely on fake events. The year was 19-ricky-ticky-tabby. And me and Nelson Mandela were palling around South Africa, green book style. WE have one elephant between us and who do we run into but the ebola monkey. And weird story longer, I wrestled that sucker to mercy. Beep-bap-beep. That’s how I convinced Mandela that why he was okay.

[Bernie Sanders in the press section talks]

Bernie Sanders: Hey! Hey! Wait! Wait a second. Hey, what about me possibly winning the nomination, huh? You gotta admit folks, universal health care doesn’t sound too crazy now, does it?

Mike Pence: Bernie, this is not the time to politicize this issue.

Bernie Sanders: Hey, I’m having the best week of my freaking life. I had a little set back in South Carolina but I’m heading the other polls. Wall Street billionaires are losing their shirts. And best of all, nobody wants to come near me. Much less touch me. I’m in heaven.

Michael Bloomberg: can I speak?

Elizabeth Warren: Hey, sure. Why don’t you start telling us what’s in that NDA?

Michael Bloomberg: Well, I keep telling you it’s nothing. It’s just– I made a little joke to a female employee and she didn’t like it.

Elizabeth Warren: Yeah. What was the joke?

Michael Bloomberg: Alright. Knock, knock.

Elizabeth Warren: Who’s there?

Michael Bloomberg: It’s your boss Mike. Listen, get rid of that baby.

Elizabeth Warren: Oh my god!

Michael Bloomberg: But didn’t you get it?

Mike Pence: [awkwardly] Okay. Why don’t I take a question from a real reporter? You, sir.

[Pete Buttigieg in the press section speaks]

Pete Buttigieg: Yes. [cheers and applause] Hi, I’m actually a mayor Pete Buttigieg. I’m a a candidate too, for the next three days.

[Amy Klobuchar walks in]

Amy Klobuchar: Back off, Buttigieg. [cheers and applause]

Pete Buttigieg: Amy Klobuchar.

Amy Klobuchar: Yeah. The whole moderate from the mid-west stick is mine. So, stay out of my center lane, bitch. I am from Minnesota so I will cut you… in line at Target, son.

Pete Buttigieg: I’m sorry. Son? Don’t treat me like a child. I was mayor.

Amy Klobuchar: Aw! Yes you were. Here. [Amy Klobuchar puts some spit on her thumb and wipes something off Amy Klobuchar’s face with it.] You got a little something there. It’s my spit!

Elizabeth Warren: Look, look, I just want to say two things, America. Number one, we need someone who can handle this, that we can trust. Mayor Bloomberg supports George W. Bush. He supported Lindsey Graham. He funded SARS. He invented traffic. He was responsible for McDonald’s serving spaghetti. he wrote and directed the movie ‘Cats.’ He dumps your bags in the ocean from cargo hold on Spirit Airlines. This is a bad man. Use Purell.

[Bernie Sanders walks to the stage]

Bernie Sanders: No, no, no. No, no, no. No Purell. I got a bottle of that junk and on the label, it says it kills 99.99% germs. What happens to the top 0.01%? Why are we protecting them? I say enough with the potions. Just use good old fashioned bar soap and scalding hot water. I might get in trouble for saying this. But you know who was great at washing his hands? Joseph Stalin. Just saying. Just saying.

Amy Klobuchar: Look. Look. I am not afraid of a little cough. I announce my campaign in a snow storm. I mean, that was insane. A snow storm. Who would do that? I am in it to win it, baby. Ha-ha. I don’t know when to quit. And that might be a problem.

Pete Buttigieg: Can I just mention? I’m the only candidate up here who’s not gonna lose.

Amy Klobuchar: To Trump?

Pete Buttigieg: Oh, no. To the corona virus. You know, you’re all in very high risk demographics.

Bernie Sanders: You wanna talk high risk? I have it on good authority and Pete Buttigieg is a hand cougher. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He coughs right into the hand. Not the elbow which we can all agree is not perfect, but it’s at least something. America doesn’t need a hand cougher. They need a president who is old enough to know Typhoid Mary. And one other thing and this goes for all of you.

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Airport Sushi

Chris Redd

Pete Davidson

John Mulaney

Bird… Kenan Thompson

Sushi Chef… Cecily Strong

Mouse… Alex Moffat

Air-hostess… Chloe Fineman

Aunt Annie… Kate McKinnon

Baby… Beck Bennett

Jake Gyllenhaal

Mikey Day

Bowen Yang

David Byrne

[Starts with Chris and Pete buying stuffs at airport store.]

Chris: Yeah, I’ll get this Chobani Yogurt with no spoon to eat it with please.

Pete: Yeah, and I’d like a bottle of water that will roll to the back of the plane as soon as we take off.

John: Alright. $15, Dasani water, extra plastic.

Pete: And, you know what? I will grab a sushi too.

[John looks at Pete with shock]

John: I’m sorry?

Pete: The sushi, you know? The spicy tuna roll that’s sitting in on the display case next to the ham and cheese panini.

John: [hesitating] You’re sure you wanna eat the sushi?

Chris: You’re buying sushi at LaGuardia airport? Have you lost your damn mind?

Pete: What? I want a nice balance of carbs and protein. Just sell me the sushi, man.

John: Your wish is my command, Kimasabi. [speaking in loud voice] Oh, phantom of LaGuardia, why don’t you tell this fine young man how he’ll feel after he eats our sushi?

[music playing]

[A bird wearing a mask appears.]

[The store changes into a performance stage. There’s smoke and lights.]

Bird: [singing] In dreams it’s haunting you
that fish you ate
the expiration date
ends in one-eight
and still you’re choosing it
as food for plane
The Phantom of LeGuardia is there
it smells insane

Sushi Chef: I am the sushi chef
that made that roll
the fish inside of it
crawled out of hole
yet you’re consuming it
this great mistake
you’d honestly be so much better off
eating a Wuhan snake

[music stops]

Chris: Is he supposed to be a pigeon?

John: No. He’s one of the geese that took down Sully’s plane.

Bird: Miracle on the Hudson. More like, massacre in the sky.

Pete: And there’s just a bird loose in the terminal?

John: Of course, there is. Haven’t you been to LaGuardia before?

[music playing]

[singing] I like to be at LaGuardia
lots of delays at LaGuardia
two small for planes at LaGuardia

Bird: Watched a man die in LaGuardia

Sushi Chef: Baggage claim carousel cling clang

John: Outlets are there for a cool prank

Sushi Chef: Ha-ha, loose fire hangs from the ceiling
Bird: Gives you a skanky old feeling

[a mouse and an air-hostess join them]

All: I like to be at LaGuardia
It’s time to breathe at LaGuardia
we might have sealed LaGuardia
who can we blame for LaGuardia?

[music stops]

[Aunt Annie runs in]

Aunt Annie: I’ll tell you who you can blame.

John: Aunty orphan Annie?

[music playing]

Aunt Annie: When anything’s bad, De Blasio
throw your hands up and say De Blasio
you’ll feel shamed
I know some of it was Mike Bloomberg
but it still feels like De Blasio is to blame

Sushi Chef: Why are there five planes on the tarmic?

Aunt Annie: But the taxis must stay three miles away

All: De Blasio, De Blasio
the cops hate De Blasio
he’ll keep every song away

[music stops]

John: And look, here comes [everyone starts snapping their fingers] a crying baby about to board a trans-continental flight.

[a baby walks in snapping his finger.]

[music playing]

Baby: Gu-gu-ga-ga, gu-gu-ga-ga
I’m screaming cry voice
got a stripe rope in my diaper
oh, it’s a stinky stool boy

John: Just play it cool, baby. Real cool.

Baby: If my parents are looking for me, which they’re not, I’ll be in the kid’s playground that’s also a pet relief area. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

John: Wow, they let a baby through security.

[Jake walks in. He’s wearing pajamas.]

Jake: Did someone say security?

[cheers and applause]

John: Hello, guy who travels in pajamas.

Jake: That’s right. I dress so that TSA could have easy access to my body.

[music playing]

So, if you care to search me
I’ll spread my legs real wife
I’ll even bend over for you
you can take a peek inside

[Jake starts levetating]

you can tell that I enjoy security
you can search way up in my cavity
you can pack me down
you don’t have to use the front of your hands

[music stops]

John: Okay, Jesus. We get it. You can continue on to Cleveland now.

Jake: How did you know I was going to Cleveland?

John: That’s where everyone at LaGuardia is going, like it or not.

[Jake levetates away]

[Mikey is announcing from the United Express booth.]

Mikey: Attention, we have  gate change for passengers going to Cleveland. Your old gate was A-7. Your new gate is G-46. It is physically impossible for you to make it to that gate in time and the plane will leave indeed. Thank you.

Pete: Man, I told you we should have left at JFK.

[Bowen walks in. He’s an Asian wearing a mask.]

Bowen: Ha-ha. And I guess I should have stayed home.

[John moves away from him screaming]

Oh, relax! I’m not sick. I’m just…

[music playing] profiled Asian
standing beside you
if I cough then it’s over
you’ll get off the plane
profiled Asian
no, I wasn’t in “Parasite”
I know the virus is bad but
it’s coming from Italy too

[music stops]

Chris: Man, this airport is it’s own world.

John: Yes. A third world.

[David walks in. He is a baggage handler.]

David: And if you stay here long enough, you will learn the mysteries of LaGuardia.

John: Wow, it’s the baggage handler who tosses everyone’s suitcase into Long Island sound.

David: That’s right. And you should know that…

[music playing]

All: We’re on a plane to nowhere
hop on in side
they say it’s about to take off
but that is a lie
sure, it will start to taxi
but then it comes back
we’re on a road to one motel
overnight, let’s go find

Weekend Update- Eric and Donald Trump Jr. on Trump Tower Meeting

Colin Jost

Eric… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week, the senate released over 2,000 pages of testimony regarding a 2016 meeting at Trump Tower with a Russian lawyer, here to comment are first sons Eric and Donald Trump Jr.

[Eric and Donald Trump Jr. slide in]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump Jr.: Yes. Colin, thanks for having us. Eric, what do you say when you’re a guest at someone’s place?

Eric: I’m sorry. I missed the toilet.

Donald Trump Jr.: No. No, bud.

Colin Jost: That’s a great start. Now, Don Jr., many in the media are speculating their calls made to a blocked number before and after your Trump Tower meeting were actually calls you made to your father.

Donald Trump Jr.: You know, this may sound crazy, Colin, [Eric is copying every movement Donald Trump Jr. is doing] but the dishonest media is being dishonest.

Eric: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Donald Trump Jr. turns to Eric and gives his hand for high-five. But Eric raises his hand and turns away trying to copy what Donald Trump Jr. is doing.]

Donald Trump Jr.: Eric, it’s a high-five, bud.

[Eric kisses Donald Trump Jr.’s palm]

Alright, baby steps, buddy. Colin, as I’ve repeatedly said, I never spoke with my father about that harmless little meeting.

Colin Jost: Okay. So, you don’t remember whose blocked number that was?

Donald Trump Jr.: No.

Eric: I do. You said, “Siri, call dad.”

Donald Trump Jr.: No. I did not, Eric. How could you possibly even remember that?

Eric: Coz I have pornographic memory.

Donald Trump Jr.: Bud, it’s photographic memory. Okay?

Colin Jost: Let’s just get back to the meeting for a second. Now, some democrats are calling on the judiciary committee to subpoena your phone record.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. And they need to give it up because there is no collusion here. You know, Colin, I’m reminded of some words of wisdom my father gave us as boys. He sat us down, he pointed to a framed picture of the designs for Trump Tower and said–

Eric: Look at all the hidden swastikas.

Donald Trump Jr.: No. Eric, you wanna play with your play dough, buddy?

Eric: Yeah.

Donald Trump Jr.: Play dough. there you go. He’s really into play dough lately. The bottomline– [Eric is just smiling and staring at the play dough] Bud, the whole thing. You don’t know how it works? [teaching Eric how to play with it] Look, you put some play dough in here, right? Now, push the lever down. Come on. Push it down. Look at that. It makes noodles. [Eric is amazed] Yeah. That’s what it does, buddy. Keep cooking. I’m hungry, chef Eric. [Eric acts like he’s playing with his mustache.] He did a chef. Proud of you. The bottom line Colin, is that this is just another desperate attempt by the liberals to undermine all the great work my father is doing in the white house. [Eric eats the dough] Eric! Did you just eat play dough, bud?

Eric: No. [There is play dough all over his mouth.]

Donald Trump Jr.: Do not eat play dough. it’s bad for you, buddy. [Donald Trump Jr. gives his hand to Eric’s mouth] Spit it out. Let’s go. Spit it out. There you go.

Colin Jost: Well, thanks for stopping by.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. I feel like it was a success. Thank you.

Colin Jost: Yeah. This was great.

Donald Trump Jr.: We better get going. We have a big day tomorrow. I’m having lunch with some new clients from Indonesia.

Eric: I’m going to see “Paw Patrol” on ice.

Colin Jost: Eric and Donald Trump Jr., everyone.

Weekend Update- Bishop Michael Curry

Michael Che

Bishop Michael Curry… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The unexpected star of this morning’s Royal wedding is Chicago Bishop Michael Curry who delivered a lively sermon that British journalists called “Unconventional.” Here to explain is Bishop Michael Curry..

[Bishop Michael Curry slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Bishop Michael Curry: Oh! What’s up, Michael? Oh, thank the lord above. It is good to be back around black folks again.

Michael Che: So, how was it?

Bishop Michael Curry: Did you see it? Oh, it was tough, man. Real tough. I preached and I testified and I yelled while 500 stuffy people looked at me like I was farting in an elevator.

Michael Che: Yeah, I feel for you, man. what did it feel like up there?

Bishop Michael Curry: Oh, man, it felt kind of like somebody opened up a chicken and waffle skios in a middle of a pottery barn. And I was working it, Michael. I’m up there giving my all, and a sea of white faces is just looking back at me and I thought, “Oh, lord, help me. This must be what it’s like to be Darius Rucker.”

Michael Che: I take you’ve never done a royal wedding before.

Bishop Michael Curry: Oh, of course I have, Michael. I’m a black preacher from Chicago. The biggest wedding I ever did was Scotty Pippin.

Michael Che: Well, despite the crowd, your sermon got great reviews.

Bishop Michael Curry: That’s coz it was all about love. Love is great. Love is redemptive. Love can change the world. And love is what makes a Subaru a Subaru. Subaruuuu!

Michael Che: You’re comfortable, man. I think you did great. But some people said it went on too long.

Bishop Michael Curry: Oh, that’s nonsense. They told me I have five minutes. But the good lord multiplied it into a cool 16.

Michael Che: Well, you did great and whole world knows your name now.

Bishop Michael Curry: Yeah. I’m really excited. When you’re a black preacher who becomes famous, you need to get your phone tapped by the FBI or audited by the IRS. I’m looking forward to it. Praise Jesus.

Michael Che: Bishop Michael Curry, everybody.

Weekend Update on Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s Royal Wedding

Michael Che

Colin Jost

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of the Royal Wedding at right top corner.]

Colin Jost: Earlier today, “Suits” actress Meghan Markle married some unemployed dude who still lives with his grandma.

[Picture changes to New York city and marijuana leaves.]

A report has found that 86% of the people arrested in New York for marijuana possession are black or latino. Well, duh, we’re the only ones they search. That’s like saying the only people that have STDs are the people that take test for STDs. We’re not the only ones that carry drugs. If cops searched white dudes in cargo shorts as much as they search black dudes in hoodies, prison would look like a Dave Matthew’s concert. You know, people always talking about deed in diversity in Hollywood? You know where we really need diversity? Jail! Forget about Oscar so white. How about prison’s too black? Colin?

[Cut to Colin. There’s a picture of map of Arlington city at left top corner.]

Michael Che: What? A new report has selected the fittest city in the country to be Arlington, Virginia. While the least fit city in the country was once again, Man Boobs, Lousiana.

Weekend Update on One-Year Anniversary of Robert Mueller Investigation

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There are pictures of Donald Trump and Robert Mueller at left top corner.]

Well, Thursday marked the one-year anniversary of the start of Robert Mueller’s investigation which is the first anniversary Trump actually remembered. He jus asked his wife [Picture changes to Donald Trump’s tweet where he calls his wife “Melanie.”] Melanie. And for those of us following this investigation, it’s been an exhausting year. It actually ages a person. I mean, here’s a picture of me and Che now. [Cut to picture of Colin Jost and Michael Che] And here’s a picture of us from last year. [Cut to picture of Lucas and Eleven from Stranger Things.]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

I think with Russian investigation, ultimately what you think about the investigation really depends on what you think of Trump. It’s sort of like, when you hear this. [Picture changes to “What do you hear? Yanny/Laurel.”] Yeah, like, some people hear Laurel while some idiots hear Yanny. Lot of Laurel fans. That’s sort of how it is with the Russian investigation. If you like Trump, this is kind of what you hear.

[Cut to a vide of Donald Trump speaking, but the sound is a voiceover.]

Voiceover: It’s a witch hunt, that’s all it is. There was no collusion.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: But if you don’t like Trump, this is what you hear.

[Cut to a vide of Donald Trump speaking, but the sound is a voiceover.]

Voiceover: I’m getting away with it, bitches!

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Donald Trump and Robert Mueller at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Trump posted a sarcastic message on the anniversary of the Mueller probe saying [cut to Donald Trump’s tweet] “Congratulations America, we are now into the second year of the greatest Witch Hunt in American History.” [Cut to Michael Che] You know what? It is pretty great. Personally, I like how unfair and mean spirited it is. It’s not everyday that a black man can root for the Feds, but I am really enjoying this. I feel like I’m watching [Picture changes to Rachel Dolezal] Rachel Dolezal get kicked out of Starbucks. Okay. I’m for that.

[Picture changes to Rudy Giuliani.]

Rudy Giuliani claimed that his legal team has been told off the record of an informant in the Trump campaign which is hilarious. Coz Giuliani is like one of those rappers that sings about all the people he shot and then he finally gets locked up for it and says, “Yo, I think somebody snitching.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Donald Trump and Shawn Hannity at left top corner.]

It was reported that president Trump talked to Shawn Hannity almost every night before bed. Wow, I never thought I’d say this but poor Shawn Hannity! Can you imagine a worse voice to hear right before you go to sleep? Just heavy breathing mixed with the crinkling of the cheese burger wrappers? Was that a flush? Also, Shawn Hannity is a journalist. Can you imagine if Obama had been calling Anderson Cooper every night before he went to bed? I mean Anderson can. I just think Hannity loses a lot of integrity as a journalist if he ends his night saying, “No, Mr. President, you hang up.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of John Bolton at right top corner.]

Michael Che: North Korea issued a statement condemning national security advisor John Bolton saying they do not hide their feeling of repugnance toward them. Which I can get because look at him. He looks like he still calls Jazz jungle music.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un.]

Trump promised protections for Kim Jong-Un if he makes a deal during their meeting but warned if talks fall apart, he would decimate them. You know, real Noble Peace Price stuff. Reminds me of Martin Luther King’s famous speech, “Dream a nightmare, take your pick.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Donald Trump and Bill Gates at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: New footage was released of Bill Gates talking about a meeting with president Trump in which Trump asked him if HPV and HIV were the same thing. Adding, “And which is the one that shows Property Brothers?” For real, Trump asks this of Bill Gates on two separate occasions. So, you know, homie got HPV.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Homie? Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump attended the ribbon cutting ceremony of the new US embassy in Jerusalem. Or as they call a ribbon cutting cutting ceremony in Israel, a bris.