Category:

Deep Quote Game

Chris Redd

Kyle Mooney

Louis… Danel Craig

Lisa… Kate McKinnon

Duff… Heidi Gardner

Ego Nwodim

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with a group of colleagues playing board games in home.]

Chris: One more settlement and boom! That’s seven points victory. Marcus?

Kyle: Oh, man! Come on!

Louis: And here I am thinking we’re gonna have a nice pleasant game night with my wife’s work colleagues. And what? It’s a blood bath.

Lisa: Well, I hate to break it to you guys but I think we’re out of game.

Meli: It’s late. We should probably get going anyway.

Duff: Or we could quote?

Lisa: What’s that?

Duff: Um, we could quote? Like, say lines from movies and guess them?

Lisa: Oh. Oh. Okay. Is that a game that you like, Duff?

Duff: Yeah. Yeah. It really is.

Kyle: Actually, I just called a Lyft home. So…

Duff: Oh, then um… cancel it coz looks like we’re gonna quote.

Ego: Um, okay. Umm… I can start. “You’re a wizard, Harry.”

All: Harry Potter.

Duff: —and the sorcerer’s stone.

Louis: Oh. She’s right. Duff gets the point.

Duff: Yeah, cool. And now, I get to go coz I got that one. Okay. “I need two new suits off the rack. One light and one dark.”

Ego: No clue.

Louis: On, no, no, no. I know this one. This is… Aviator.

Duff: Oh, dammit! That was too easy.

Chris: Easy? That sounded vague as hell.

Duff: [looking at Louis deeply] Wow. You know your quote.

Louis: Yeah, I actually do.

Duff: Hah! Big D energy over there.

Louis: Yeah, that too.

Lisa: Louis, what was that?

Louis: It’s my turn. Here we go. “Thanks for walking in and now if you’ll excuse me, I’m not feeling so well.”

Duff: As good as it gets.

Louis: Oh!

Ego: What?

Kyle: You’re killing me.

Louis: How were you able to do that?

Duff: What? Do you quote?

Louis: Yeah.

Duff: Um, I don’t know. Probably coz I spend a lot of time watching movies all the time.

Louis: Hah. So, you’re a little quote queen?

Duff: I mean, if you’d say that. What– What are you? A flick daddy?

Louis: Only the biggest flick daddy you’ll ever meet in your whole life.

Lisa: Louise? Pal, you have a job.

Louis: No, I don’t. I’ve got fired six months ago.

[Louis turns towards Duff]

Lisa: Excuse me?

Louis: You’re very serious. [looks away] Who’s up?

Chris: Yeah. Maybe let’s stick to like, more well known quotes.

Duff: Sorry, but there’s no rule against deep movie.

Louis: No, she’s right. You know, it’s not a game if you don’t deep quote.

Lisa: Louis, deep quote?

Louis: Yeah, bud. Deep quote.

Lisa: The ‘bud’ thing gotta stop right now.

Duff: Alright. Okay, okay. My turn. Guess I’ll pick an easy one. Okay. “Hey, hi, I didn’t know you were here.”

Louis: Got it. No, no. Someone else go. Someone else go.

Kyle: Duff, it’s not a ton of identifying information in there.

Ego: Yeah, girl. What are you quoting?

Louis: Guys, it’s easy. Failure to Launch. Keep up, you morons.

Chris: Hey, I don’t like that.

Meli: Hey, Duff, maybe let’s play this another time.

Duff: What? No. We’re tied 2-2. I’m not about to lay down and let Lisa’s hot husband rail me.

Lisa: My husband?

Ego: Rail you?

Duff: Okay, okay, okay. Come on, quote off. You and me.

Louis: Alright. Let’s go, little girl.

Duff: Okay. “What made you pick me?”

Louis: Captain Phillips.

Duff: Ugh! Dammit. Go.

Louis: Only buddy goodie. “What are we supposed to do?”

Duff: Captain Phillips. Oh! Trying to trick me. Okay.

Louis: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Duff: Okay. Here’s another one. “It’s okay.”

Louis: Captain Phillips. You sneaky bitch!

[Duff and Louis are giggling]

Ego: Stop quoting Captain Phillips.

Louis: Okay, okay, okay. Here we go. “Go-do-un-bujah.”

Duff: “Go-do-un-bujah.” They are rich. parasite!

Meli: Parasite?

Chris: So, now you y’all know Korean? That’s stupid.

Duff: Okay, okay. Final round. No words, act out only.

Louis: Alright. Easy. I’ll start.

[Louis just raises his hands]

Duff: Up In the Air.

Louis: Ah!

Duff: Got it.

All: Up In the Air?

Duff: Okay, okay. My turn.

[Duff just coughs. Now, Duff and Louis are standing facing each other.]

Louis: Oh, Philadelphia! Get out!

Duff: Alright. Okay. You’re up.

Louis: Okay, okay. I got it.

[Louis kisses Duff]

All: No! No! No!

Duff: The notebook.

Louis: Ah!

Duff: I knew it was Gosling from your tongue.

[Lisa stands]

Lisa: Alright. Enough of this. Get out of my house.

Duff: [pointing at Lisa] Broke By Mountain.

Louis: Broke By Mountain.

Lisa: Get the hell out.

Debbie Downer Wedding Reception

Chris Redd

Mark… Alex Moffat

Liz McKellen… Heidi Gardner

Hank… Kenan Thompson

Karen… Aidy Bryant

Mindy… Melissa Villaseñor

Gary… Daniel Craig

Debbie Downer… Rachel Dratch

[Starts with Chris speaking in a wedding reception.]

Chris: Ladies and gentlemen, let’s hear some noise for our newly hitched, Mr. and Mrs. who have been stealing some kisses, Mark and Liz McKellen, y’all!

[cheers and applause]

Hank: Aw, you know, I never thought that Liz would settle down but Mark is the perfect match. [raising glass] To happily ever after

All: To happily ever after.

[A woman walks in wearing a gas mask]

Woman: Is this table nine?

Karen: Oh! Wow. Um, yes, it is. It sure is.

[The woman takes a vacant seat]

Mindy: We’re in the fun table.

[The woman is trying to eat without taking off the mask.]

Gary: Looks like you’re gonna have to take the mask off to eat unless you’re gonna poke a little hole in the middle there. [pointing at the mask]

Karen: Yeah. Don’t worry. None of us are sick. We’re just a little tipsy.

[The woman opens her mask. It’s Debbie Downer.]

[cheers and applause]

Debbie Downer: Well, unfortunately with COVID-Chris9, you can display no symptoms and still be wildly contagious. Hi, I’m Debbie.

[Cut to the show intro]

Song: You’re enjoying your day
everything’s going your way
then comes Debbie Downer

Always there to tell you ’bout a new disease
a car accident or killer bees
you’ll beg her to spare you “Debbie, please!”
but you can’t stop Deddie Downer

[Cut to the dining table at the wedding reception]

Gary: That’s a pretty elaborate mask. It kind of looks futuristic. Is it?

Debbie Downer: Um, I bought one of the last N-95s on amazon. They said to forego masks, but good luck nabbing one when we’re facing a world wide pandemic.

Karen: Yeah, I’m sure we’re all gonna be okay.

Mindy: So, Debbie, maybe we should introduce ourselves.

All: [hooting] Table nine! Table nine!

Karen: I’m Liz’s aunt Karen. And this is my daughter Mindy.

Hank: Yes. And I’m cousin Hank. And this is uncle Gary.

Gary: And why are you here?

Karen: Hey, hey.

Gary: I don’t know. I mean, how do you know happy couple?

Debbie Downer: Oh, I am Mark’s first cousin, once removed for trespassing.

Gary: How about a little drink? Maybe that will you know, loosen you up a little?

Debbie Downer: Oh, I don’t wanna drink too much. Last time I drank, I was almost #MeToo’d.

Mindy: Oh, that’s terrible. Did someone take advantage of you?

Hank: Now, why would you delve?

Debbie Downer: I was on one of those ‘just lunch’ dates and choked on a crouton. My date had to give me the heimlich. He clearly thought the bottom the bottom of my ribcage was much higher. #NotBuyingIt.

Gary: Question. Do we have to stay at our assigned tables?

Hank: Yeah. Debbie, why don’t you go say hi to the bride and groom?

Debbie Downer: Oh, okay.

[Debbie Downer walks to the bride and groom]

Hey, congrats you guys. This is a beautiful wedding. I wanted to give you my gift though. [gives them an envelope] Here, open it. I made a donation in your name to my favorite charity.

Liz: Oh, thanks. Oh, $twentyfive donation to pounce for cure?

Debbie Downer: Um-hmm.

Liz: A cure for what?

Mark: No. Don’t ask that.

Debbie Downer: Feline AIDS. It’s the number one killer of domestic cats.

Mark: Hey, uh, Debbie, you know, they’re serving the entrée, so why don’t you go sit down and stuff your mouth with good food?

Debbie Downer: Okay, enjoy guys.

[Cut to the table nine]

Hank: Yes!

Gary: Oh, I’m ready for my beef.

Karen: Yeah. These mashed potatoes look like heaven.

[Debbie Downer takes her seat]

Mindy: After we eat, I’d vote we get a line dance.

Gary: Oh, yeah.

Debbie Downer: Hey, speaking of voting, how do you guys feel about Trump?

[Everybody gets upset.]

[Karen looks happy.]

Oh, look guys, I just caught the bouquet. You know who else loves flowers? Honey bees. Too bad they’re on their way out.

[Outro]

Song: But you can’t stop Deddie Downer

Daytime Show

Deirdre… Aidy Bryant

Cookie… Ego Nwodim

Clyde… Daniel Craig

Heidi Gardner

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with “The Deirdre Show” intro]

[Cut to Deirdre]

Deirdre: Welcome back to “The Deidre Show.” My guest co-host today is a legendary diva of song. She’s got dozens of hit records like, “Oh, that man,” and “Let me tell you ’bout Christmas.” And she is back in the news because she hit a train with a car. Please welcome Cookie La Flute.

[Cookie walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Cookie: Hello, Deirdre.

Deirdre: Oh, Cookie, we are so glad to have you back. Isn’t that right, audience?

[Cut to the audience]

Kenan: Yes.

Heidi: We love you, Cookie.

Kenan: Go, Cookie.

[Cut to the set]

Cookie: Oh, thank you. You know, it’s like I always say, “Where am I, who are you, the pleasure’s all your’s.”

Deirdre: Wonderful. Well, as you know, this week is finger week on our show. And today, we’re gonna make some finger food. Sound good, Cookie?

Cookie: Oh, I’m starving. Let’s get to it.

Deirdre: Okay. Well, joining us today is a celebrity chef from London who’s gonna teach us how to make American appetizers. So, please welcome Chef Clyde.

[Chef Clyde is ready on his cooking table]

[cheers and applause]

Clyde: Hello. Hello.

[Deirdre and Cookie walk to Clyde]

Cookie: Hello.

Clyde: I hope you’re hungry, but only a little coz today it’s all about hors d’oeuvres.

Cookie: Okay, now. That is French.

Deirdre: Yes, for hors d’oeuvres.

Clyde: That’s right. I’ve got tons of them in my new cookbook, “The Hungry Divorcee.” Now, we’re starting off with one of my favorites which is these little mini quiche here.

[Clyde gives them a tray of quiches.]

Deirdre: Okay. These are so cute. Thank you.

Cookie: Ooh, I’ma eat this in one bite.

Clyde: Well, don’t eat the foil.

Cookie: [thinks for long] What?

Clyde: The aluminum foil on the– It just– Just don’t eat the foil. That’s–

Cookie: I don’t wanna eat the foil.

Clyde: Alright. That’s gonna make you choke.

Cookie: Don’t eat the foil? Who is this man?

Clyde: Ha-ha. So, the next thing I wanna talk about is guacamole.

Cookie: Look at this man. Look at this man. “Don’t eat the foil.” Are you all seeing this over here?

[Cut to the audience]

Heidi: Yeah Cookie, we see it.

Kenan: Get him, Cookie.

[Cut to the set]

Clyde: You know what Ms. La Flute, I’m sorry about the foil. I feel like we got off on the wrong foot. I just didn’t want you to scratch your mouth, you know? You need it for singing, don’t you?

Cookie: I don’t eat foil. I don’t eat foil.

Deirdre: Okay, Chef Clyde, how about we slide on down to the next food?

Clyde: Yes. Cookie, I think you’re gonna love my pigs in a blanket.

Cookie: You know, I love pigs. And you know, I love me some blankets.

Clyde: Okay, great. So, that’s so easy to throw together–

Cookie: You know, I can’t get over this foil thing.

Clyde: Well, Cookie, I mean, you like mustard–

Cookie: “Don’t eat the foil.” Legends don’t eat foil, boo. What do I look like? Huh? What do I look like? Y’all, do I look like Bobo the Clown?

[Cut to the audience]

Heidi: No, Cookie, you look hot.

Kenan: Kill him!

Deirdre: Okay. Chef Clyde, how about another food?

Clyde: Oh, good idea. Good idea. So, if you like eggs at room temperature, you’re gonna love these. Deviled eggs.

Deirdre: Oh, Cookie, let’s try one.

Cookie: Okay, sure. But sir, aren’t you scared?

Clyde: Scared of what?

Cookie: Aren’t you scared that I’m gonna eat the spoon? Tell me not to eat the spoon as if I’m not a famous singer. Pissing me off!

Clyde: I don’t think you’re gonna eat the spoon.

Cookie: You know your little foods. I’ve been famous for over 25 years. I eat big foods.

Clyde: I’m sure you eat very big foods.

Cookie: You know, once a year in November, I cook a big turkey and I invite over people I love have some. That’s how good I can sing.

Deirdre: And that sounds like Thanksgiving.

Clyde: Okay, well, before my time runs out, I just want to shout out to–

Cookie: You know, don’t nobody want your foil, okay? Tiny man with tiny food who can’t even sing. Give your guests a steak, you queer!

Deirdre: Oh! No, Cookie, no.

Cookie: I can say it. Please, I can say it. My husband is gay.

Deirdre: Okay. Okay. We’re gonna have to wrap this up. Audience, did we lose you?

[Cut to the audience]

Heidi: Absolutely not.

Kenan: We love this.

Cookie: You know what? I wanna get the whole taste of this thing out of my mouth. [Clyde pulls out a gum] All your food looks disgusting.

[Clyde eats a whole stick of gum with the foil paper.]

Clyde: Oh, you–

Deirdre: Did you–

Cookie: Why y’all looking at me like that? It’s just a gum. You know, shiny, tastes like coins, sparks when you chew it.

Deirdre: Okay, well that’s our show. Bye-bye.

Daniel Craig James Bond Monologue

Daniel Craig

Chloe Fineman

Heidi Gardner

Beck Bennett

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Daniel Craig.

[Daniel Craig walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Daniel Craig: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It is lovely to be back hosting Saturday Night Live. I hosted the show eight years ago. And my life is very different now. I moved to New York. So, when people say to me where Brooklyn at, I can actually tell them where it is. It’s over the Brooklyn bridge or the Manhattan bridge, just depending on the traffic.

Now, everyone assumes that because I played James Bond, I’m this, very suave sophisticated guy. Well, I have to admit. I kind of am. I mean, I’m James Bond. I know English people as supposed to be sort of humble. You know, they’re like, “Oh, I’m just a nerd.” You know? I’m not a nerd. You’re a nerd. Now, this next James Bond film is gonna be my last. But, it’s gonna be one of the best. Because we got Phoebe Waller-Bridge from “Fleabag” to help with some of the dialog. It’s not gonna be that different, but every so often, I will turn to the camera and I will say, “My name’s Bond. James Bond.” Is it bad that i fancy the pope?

Now, you also may have heard the release of the film has been delayed due to public health and so. But there’s this scene that’s my favorite. And you know, the producers are being kind enough to let me show it tonight. So, let’s take a look.

[Cut to sneak peek of “No Time to Die: 007”]

[James Bond walks in a craps game in a casino near Chloe. They’re all dressed very well.]

Craps. [whispering in Chloe’s ear] I always thought your game was stealing state’s secret.

Chloe: [with accent] Hmm, whatever you want from me, James. The odds are not in your favor.

James Bond: Well, maybe I’ll be lucky.

[James Bond shows the dice to Chloe. Chloe blows on them.]

Now, where’s your boss?

[James Bond throws the dice]

[James Bond and Chloe and looking at each other.]

Dealer: Seven. Winner.

James Bond: Really? Ha-ha. I just rolled a seven.

Chloe: What makes you think you can stop him?

James Bond: Oh, that’s simple, my darling. [throws the dice] I’m double-O…

Dealer: Seven.

James Bond: I can’t really– Not just once!

Dealer: High hand at the table, folks. Place your bets.

[a drunk couple joins the table]

Heidi: [to James Bond] Keep it up, tuxedo. My ass in the hole, you gotta dig me out.

Beck: I put big money down here, alright. Don’t lost em’. My wife’s gonna kill me. Ha! Who cares? Right? It’s my money. Right?

James Bond: Wow-wow-wow! What do I do now? What do I do now?

Old lady: Roll an eight for this old bean bag, would you?

James Bond: Okay. I can’t believe. My heart is beating so fast. This is just like– Okay, give me an eight. Give me an eight. Give me an eight.

[James Bond throws the dice]

Dealer: Six-two. Easy eight.

Old lady: This slime is rolling hot bones tongiht.

[Kenan walks in near James Bond]

Kenan: You sir. You. You, sir. You. Sir, you, you.

James Bond: I don’t know why. I never play craps. It’s so exciting. So- I- Okay. What do I do now?

Chloe: That depends. What you about–

[Heidi interrupts Chloe]

Heidi: Another game now. Right now, it’s don’t roll seven.

James Bond: Okay. Got it. Got it. Waitress, waitress, can I get a vodka-martini. Shake it– Oh, you know what? No. Can I get a vodka and Redbull, pine glass please. Thank you. No seven. No seven.

[James Bond throws the dice]

Dealer: We got a six.

All: Oh!

Kenan: This guy! This!

Beck: Let’s go. Let’s put all our chips on hard four.

James Bond: Let’s do it. Let’s do it. Hard four. Hard four.

[Chloe moves near James Bond]

Chloe: James, perhaps we should move this discussion into my suite.

James Bond: Okay, I’ll meet you up then. If I roll a hard four, you’re all gonna call me Simba because I am the king of the jungle.

[James Bond throws the dice]

Dealer: Two and two, make four the hard way.

[everybody cheering]

James Bond: [shouting] Yo! Yo! What my name is?

All: Simba! [Chloe is bored and embarrassed.]

[James Bond drinks his vodka with Redbull.]

Chloe: [in James Bond’s ear] My boss is in the Knezevic, Iceland. That is where specter is located.

James Bond: Cool. Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement to make. I’m buzzed.

[everybody cheering]

Okay, okay, what do I want now?

Kenan: Snake eyes.

James Bond: Oh, you don’t deserve snake eyes.

All: Oh, please!

James Bond: Okay, okay, okay. Then work for it, bitches!

[the old woman walks to James Bond and shows him her breasts]

Old lady: Hey, why don’t you take a look at these old snake eyes?

James Bond: Oh! This got you snake eyes.

All: Yay!

[James Bond throws the dice]

Dealer: It seems Mr. Bond, your luck [points a gun at James Bond] has run out.

Chloe: He’s a specter agent.

[in no time, James Bond shoots at the dealer on his chest.]

Dealer: Well played, Bond.

James Bond: Everyone alright?

Kenan: Yeah. Specially since you just rolled snake eyes!

All: Yay!

[James Bond starts shooting on the ceiling out of excitement.]

[Cut back to Daniel Craig in SNL monologue set.]

Daniel Craig: We have got a great show. The Weeknd is here. So, stick around. We’ll be right back.

[Kenan jumps in]

Kenan: This guy. Him. Him, y’all!

Accent Coach

Bowen Yang

Daniel Craig

Ryan Johnson… Mikey Day

Margie… Ego Nwodim

Pam… Aidy Bryant

Frankie… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Bowen informing Daniel Craig’s arrival to the directors.]

Bowen: Excuse me, Mr. Johnson. Daniel Craig is here for his session.

Ryan: Terrific. Send him in.

Bowen: Daniel, are you ready?

[Daniel Craig walks in]

Daniel: Alright, thank you so much. Hi, guys. How’s it going?

Ryan: There he is, the future detective Benoit Blank. You remember Margie and Pam. Our casting directors.

Daniel: Hi, how are you?

Pam: Hey, Daniel. We are so happy your’e joining the Knives Out family.

Margie: Yeah. We really scored with this whole cast.

Daniel: Yeah. I just can’t wait to start shooting.

Ryan: Great! Well, today we want to just focus on developing your character.

Pam: Yeah. Now, as you know, Detective Blank is a genteel souther sleuth. So, if possible, we’d like you to do a southern accent.

Daniel: Yeah. No problem. I’ve been recently working with this great accent coach. So, if it’s cool, can I bring him in real quick? [the directors nod their heads yes] Hey, Frankie. Let’s go. Come on, let’s go.

[Frankie walks in]

Frankie: Knock, knock. Ha-ha. Hello. I’m Franklin Huse. Daniel’s accent coach. I have to say, you are so lucky to be working with Dan. He’s a real pro.

Daniel: Oh, come on! You wanna talk about pro? Frankie here is a magician with dialects and accents.

Frankie: Sir, I blush. So, what are we cooking today again?

Ryan: Um, yeah. We just want Dan here to do a southern accent.

Frankie: Ah! My specialty. I’m a master of souther dialects. Is there a certain province you have in mind?

Margie: I guess we default to you.

Pam: Yeah. Whatever you think is in Dan’s range.

Frankie: Hmm… Well, why don’t we start with Ozarks of Arkansas? A banjo tinkies in the distance. As our study gentleman detective calls out- [speaking in loud, funny southern accent] “Hrrrr-boy! The moon churns are burning over. So, I’m about to go and eat a pig’s food and shoot my sister with a gun. Durr-durr.” Something like that maybe is what you’re looking for? That could be fun.

Ryan: Um, no. I think we want something maybe a little more shuttle.

Margie: Yeah. I mean, my husband’s from Arkansas and he doesn’t talk like that.

Frankie: Ah! Okay. Well, why don’t we take a little trip down to… [speaking in loud, funny southern accent] Alabama? [speaking in loud, funny southern accent] “Oh, they got some good turtles down there. Whoo, lord! You better get me a fan because this is hot. My butt is hot. Oh, lord! My butt is hot.” Does that work for you, Dan?

Daniel: Oh, yes. I think I like that. He can be like, [speaking in loud, funny southern accent] “Oh, lord. The big one [unintelligible] is so damn hot.”

Frankie: Dan, yes. That’s incredible. Yes, yes.

Daniel: Yes. What do you think, Ryan? Should we go with that?

Ryan: No. Um, yeah. I don’t think so.

Pam: Yeah. I’m sorry. Mr. Huse, where did you say you were from?

Frankie: Maryland.

Margie: And have you ever been to the south?

Frankie: No. But I have studied the region. Mainly through cartoons, Yosemite Sam, Fog Horn Leg Horn.

Ryan: Yeah. I’m sorry Mr. Huse, I think we’d just rather work with someone a little more knowledgeable.

Daniel: Oh, come on, Ryan. Cone on, you just give him a chance. Maybe, you know, we just haven’t found it yet.

Frankie: Yes. Like, maybe he’s a detective from [speaking in loud, funny southern accent] Georgia where their butt is so hot. “Boy my [unintelligible] big old butt is wet and hot.”

Daniel: I really like that one. Could you teach me that? Is that something you can do?

Frankie: Oh, yes. So, what you have to do is open your jaw and have a real loose like this here. Open it up with this exercise. [Frankie starts moving his jaw and making noise. Daniel is trying to copy him.]

Daniel: [moving his jaw] My butt is so hot.

Pam: Okay. I’m sorry. What’s with all of this hot butt talk?

Frankie: Well, that’s what they sound like. Remember, it’s very hot in in the south.

Daniel: Yeah. Everybody’s butt is hot in the south.

Frankie: I mean, my butt gets hot up north. Just imagine hot it would be down south.

Daniel: You’d steam your jeans.

Frankie: Exactly, Daniel.

Ryan: Um, let’s just read some lines and let Daniel find the voice himself.

Margie: And Frank, would you mind reading for Marta, the South American nurse?

Frankie: Oh, I see. She’s from the south, in America. Got it.

Ryan: Alright. Let’s do this. And action.

Daniel: [reading the script] Now, with much analysis of the facts, I’ve come to the conclusion as the perpetrator of this murder.

Frankie: [screaming funnily with accent] Well, now I say Mr. Blank. I don’t know damn dead about what happened to that man that died. [stops the accent] And I’m sorry. What does it say here?

Daniel: That’s says, “Marta pukes.”

Frankie: Okay. [while making puking sound, Frankie literally pukes.]

Pam: Oh, my god.

Margie: Jesus Christ!

Ryan: Come on, dude!

Frankie: What? It says in the script, Marta pukes.

Ryan: You can just puke on command?

Frankie: Of course, I can. I’m an actor. Daniel, can’t you?

Daniel: Yes, of course. [Daniel pukes too]

Margie: Oh, damn!

Pam: Come on, guys.

Ryan: How are you doing that?

Daniel and Frankie: Come on, we’re actors!

Weekend Update- Trump Talks Coronavirus

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Trump held a press conference today to educate the public about the Corona virus but I’m not sure it worked because according to a new survey, 38% of Americans say they won’t drink Corona beer because it sounds like Corona virus. While the rest won’t drink it because it tastes like syphilis. Donald Trump is the worst person to possibly ease people’s fears. Trump’s whole thing is that he whips arenas into a frenzy of anger and bloodlust. Hoping Trump can calm people down is like hoping cocaine can fight insomnia. And I don’t really trust Trump on medical issues because remember, this is what he had to say about Ebola.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: This is a much different problem than Ebola. Ebola, you disintegrated. You got Ebola, that was it.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: You disintegrated? Does he think that Thanos was named Ebola? Then on his way to a rally where he would meet with thousands of untested people in an enclosed space, Trump explained his plan like this.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking]

Donald Trump: We’re ordering a lot of different elements of medical. As you know, they’re working as rapidly as they can. Order vaccine for the future. And with that, I think I can head out.

[Cut to Colin Jost.]

Colin Jost: You think you can head out? I’m not sure coz you didn’t tell us anything. He said, “We’re ordering different elements of medical,” which I guarantee you he thinks is fire, earth, wind and water. And now scientists estimate that the mortality rate from the Corona virus is around 2%, which sounds pretty bad, but honestly if you’d given me only a 2% chance of dying during Trump’s first term, I would have taken that in a heartbeat.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article about Corona virus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Man, I don’t want to make jokes about this Corona virus. And not because it’s too sad but because I don’t know that I don’t have it yet. And if I do have it, the internet’s gonna play this clip of me making fun of it over and over again. As they should, coz that’d be hilarious. Imagine if there’s a video of a crocodile hunter making fun of sting rays. I mean, what if this is it? What if this is–? This is not how I want to be remembered. Sitting here, pretending that I care for politics, wearing this fancy tie. Like, I don’t need this. [Michael Che takes his clip-on tie off.] I mean, why am I hiding my drinking problem? [Michael Che takes a glass of whiskey and drinks it.] You know, I just found out that i might have a kid.

[Cut to Colin Jost looking at Michael Che in shock. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and stock-market diagram at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The stock market this week posted it’s largest point loss in history which a lot of people are referring to as ‘the Trump Slump.’ And by ‘a lot of people,’ I mean me. The same way when Trump says, “a lot of people are saying something,” he just means he is. Now, these people are coming up and saying Trump Slump and everyone’s talking about this Trump Slump and how there is a Trump Slump, and I can’t even talk about Trump Slump without someone come up to me and like, “How about this Trump Slump?” Anyway, that’s the economy.

[Cut to Michael Che. He is drinking and is wearing a snapback. There’s a picture of Donald Trump, Mike Pence and Corona virus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I mean how could this possibly end well for us? Trump put Mike Pence in charge. Mike Pence! I don’t know what Mike Pence’s plan is but it’s probably the same as that guy who had to give evian water for five cents. Now, my grandmother was right, Colin. She warned me. I remember she used to sit me down and rock back in her chair and she’d say, “Baby, you listen to me good. Don’t you bring no white girl home.” And then after that, she’d say, “We are living in our last days.” And I just thought she was old and crazy. Coz I mean, no white girls? I work in a show business. That’s unrealistic.

By the way, Americans, stop making fun of the Chinese fetish of virus, okay? Okay? I’m sure they may have some interesting choices in edible meats. But don’t act like Americans are any better. I mean, we just stopped eating Tide pods like two years ago.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of calendar marked on April 5 at left top corner.]

I feel free.

Colin Jost: And well, we’re still five weeks away from Easter but earlier tonight, a man came back from the dead. [Picture changes to Joe Biden. There’s written “Biden wins South Carolina primary.”] Joe Biden won the South Carolina presidential primary just hours ago but in keeping with South Carolina tradition, the losers will get statues. [Picture changes to Wade Hampton statue.]

[Picture changes to Mike Bloomberg]

Mike Bloomberg is reportedly spending a record, $3.5 million buying ads in black media. So, get ready for Tyler Perry’s “Medea Goes To MikeBloomberg.com.”

[Picture changes to Hillary Clinton]

And Hillary Clinton has announced that she’s starting a podcast. And okay, now I do think we should lock her up.

[Michael Che laughing]

Weekend Update- New Phillies and Astros Mascots

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. He’s wearing a snapback and has unbuttoned his collar. There’s a picture of new Phillies Mascot.]

Michael Che: The Philadelphia Phillies unveiled the new design for their team masco, the Philly fanatic. While Houston Astros have revealed their new mascot, Chitty the Camera. [looking at Colin Jost and holding his whisky glass] Hey, Chitty, it’s good.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Donald Trump Jr. and a bear at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Donald Trump Jr. has received a permit to hunt and kill a grizzly bear in Alaska. Not to be outdone, [Picture changes to Eric Trump] Eric Trump made a trap to catch a Charmin bears. [Picture changes to a trap used for insects. The bait is a toilet roll.]

[Picture changes to a news article that says “4-year-old finds meth in library book.”]

Florida police are investigating after a 4-year-old boy found meth inside a library book. The book was of course, “The very twitchy catterpillar.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an event promo at right top corner.]

20,000 high school students in New York city got to see the cast of the broadway hit “To kill a mocking bird” performed at Madison Square Garden. And no surprise, the cast beat the Knicks by 25 points.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of news article that says “Non-Costco members barred from food court” at left top corner.”

Colin Jost: Costco announced that it will start enforcing a policy that bans non-members from eating in their food courts. So, if you’re looking for a new low point in your life, try getting dragged out of Costco foodcourt.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a while male with Christian cross painted on his forehead in black at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This Wednesday was Ash Wednesday. The one day a year Catholics are allowed to do a little bit of black face.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Catholic.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Chris Redd on Black History Month

Colin Jost

Chris Redd

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The last day of February which means it’s also the last day of Black History month. Here to reflect to what that means to him is our very own, Chris Redd.

[Chris Redd slides in.]

[cheers and applause]

Chris Redd: Yo! Wad up? What’s up? What’s up? What’s up, Colin?

Colin Jost: Hey, what’s up? Good to see you, Chris. So, how was your Black History month?

Chris Redd: It was trash, man. Black people took too many L’s to let this February represent us, man. We lost legends. The Corona virus just stole the spot light. Now, I know people that wear protected mask that don’t wear condoms, and that’s wild to me. Shitting bed all around.

Colin Jost: Wow. I’m sorry.

Chris Redd: You should be. Even in politics, we have no representation, man. Kamala, gone. Corry Booker, gone. Which means me and the bay sketch is gone. The blackest candidate we got left is Joe ‘I got a black friend’ Biden. He cool, but listening to that dude talk is like watching our old man parallel park his own thoughts for 20 minutes.

Colin Jost: Wow. Yeah. Alright.

Chris Redd: And then on top of that, this happened.

[Cut to a picture of OneUnited debit visa card with a Harriet Tubman’s picture on it.]

Harriet Tubman doing Wakanda forever on a VISA card.

[cut to the news set]

What? Look at her! It looks like she got recaptured. She didn’t see Black Panther. Wakanda’s not real. Or how about this? Novels release black covers of white books for some damn reason. Look at this. Black Frankenstein looking like a Soundcloud rapper that got beat by the police. You got a black Wizard of Oz? That already happened. That’s the Wiz, you dummy! The we got Moby big ass Dick over here. This is stupid. It’s dumb.

Colin Jost: That’s pretty bad. But you know, there’s gotta be something good about this black history month, right?

Chris Redd: Well, a week ago I would have said boxing. I was looking forward to Wilder/Fury fight. But then Deontay Wilder walked out with his goofy ass wearing this nonsense. [Picture of Deontay Wilder’s entrance in the boxing match. His outfit looks heavy.] Yeah. Yeah, he lost to a bald headed potato sack body having white man too. This guy. Because he had a come-out just like a Mortal Combat fatality. Man, what’s wrong with you? And he said he did it in tribute of Black History month. Whose? Not mine. And on top of all, he got licked while getting his ass beat. Literally! Look at that. [Picture of Deontay Wilder and Tyson Fury clinching. Tyson Fury has his tongue out.] Ew! Come on, man. [Cut to the news set] Not on our month, bro!

Colin Jost: No. I don’t love that either.

Chris Redd: Nobody loves that. And then on a last second, Charles tried to sneak one pass just like we weren’t going to catch it. Look. Look at this. [Cut to picture of black people praying in White House, all standing behind Donald Trump.] Look at these White House negros. [Cut to the news set] Who y’all praying to? The ghost of black face pass? Then Trump’s got his eyes open during the prayer like he’s trying to remember which pocket his wallet is in. Trump is looking like a basketball from space jam, just sucking all the blackness out of em’. Does this look like black history to you, Colin? Huh?

Colin Jost: I’m gonna guess, no.

Chris Redd: So, just give us another month, man. Look, I know March is women’s month, so we’ll take April, we’ll start on the Chris Reddnd.

Colin Jost: What about April Colin Jostst?

Chris Redd: Nah! Y’all keep that day, boy. April Fools his how you got us over here in the first place. “It’s just a cruise. Hop on. We good. We good.”

Colin Jost: Chris Redd, everyone.

Chris Redd: Black people can’t get the Corona virus.

 

Uncle Meme

Heidi Gardner

Ron… John Mulaney

Emily… Chloe Fineman

Tyler… Pete Davidson

Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

Chris Redd

[Starts with seven people celebrating in their house.]

Heidi: Anyway, to our baby girl Emily accepted at Stanford Business School.

Ron: Congratulations, sweetie.

All: Congratulations.

Emily: Aw, thanks everybody. It’s so nice to have family here.

Ron: [sigh] That’s great. So, Tyler, what about you? You enjoying college?

Tyler: Oh, yeah, uncle Ron. I’m loving it.

Ron: Oh, that’s nice. They have computers there, yeah?

Tyler: At college? Yeah, yeah, they do.

Ron: And did you do anything else?

Tyler: I don’t know, uncle Ron. I mean I write papers.

Beck: Ron, you alright?

Ron: I’m talking to your son. You write papers? That’s it?

Tyler: Yeah. That’s it.

Ron: You’re so slick, huh? You’re a liar!

Beck: What?

Ron: Excuse me?

Aidy: Ron, is everything okay?

Ron: No. It’s actually not okay. He meme’d me.

Beck: I’m sorry. Meme’d you?

Ron: Yeah, that’s right. My punk nephew Tyler made into a meme. I’m a meme now. And I don’t like it one bit.

Emily: Dad, come on. There’s no way.

Beck: Yeah. I’m sure this is just a misunderstanding.

Ron: Oh, really? Take a look at this. [Ron walks to his TV] Look at my facebook profile pic. [He shows his profile pic] Perfectly normal handsome picture of me right at work, right? Now, look at the front page of reddit.com. “When she wanna smash but the pee-pee too small.” What the hell is this?

Ron: Oh, wow!

Chris: Damn!

Aidy: My goodness.

Heidi: What in the world?

Ron: I know. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I mean is it supposed to be funny? Coz it’s not.

Emily: No, it’s sick.

Chris: It’s kind of funny though.

Ron: And it’s not even true. I smash. I have a kid, dammit!

Aidy: Tyler, is he right? Did you meme your uncle?

Tyler: Look, it just got out of hand. I just made one meme for fun and then–

Ron: Fun? Is this fun to you? This next one was tweeted by rapper Ice-T. And he said it was too true. [changes the meme] “When y’all kissing and she say ‘That’ll be $Ron00.'” I mean hey, hey, that sucks for me. You get that, right? [changes the meme] “When your girl pregnant and you ain’t even had sex.” Again, I have a daughter. Lies. [changes the meme] “When you tip the cam girl for Heidi0k and she block you.” What?

Aidy: Now, I don’t even get that.

Chris: It do be like that sometimes.

Aidy: Well, this is awful. This is not what Melania meant when she said, “Be best.”

Ron: The internet dubbed me the white collar virgin. I don’t know why. I mean, look at this. There’s thousands. [showing a list of his memes]

Tyler: Uncle Ron, I’m so sorry. I would never describe you that way.

Ron: Sorry? This is ruining my life. Do you get that? You do get that, right? This is endless. And they’re getting more creative. “I guess heaven needed a bitch.” So, I passed away in this one? [changes the meme. His picture is edited like he’s Joker.] “Wanna know how I got these tiny-ass balls?” It’s not funny. It’s depraved. [changes the meme] “When green book on HBO.” Dammit, at least this makes sense. That is how I feel when green book on HBO.

Aidy: Ron, this is a nightmare and we apologize on behalf of our son.

Beck: Tyler, make this right.

Tyler: Look, I never should have started the meme but I promise you, the one I did was just silly. It wasn’t meant to be like, hurtful.

Beck: Thank you. See? Just some gentle raving that got out of hand.

Ron: Oh, interesting. Coz I tracked Tyler’s reddit username and his first post was this. [changes the meme] “That feeling when you a pedophile.”

All: Tyler?

Tyler: That moment when your uncle finds the pedophile meme you made of him. [Tyler makes a silly face]

The Admiral

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Admiral… Beck Bennett

Julian… John Mulaney

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: And now we return to 1955’s “Say, Those Two Don’t Seem To Like Each Other.”

[Cut to Kate and Aidy grooming themselves in their house. It’s an old black and white video.]

Kate: Sister, you’re looking lovely in our dead mother’s pearl.

Aidy: Umm, and you’re looking lovely in our dead father’s pearls. Well, today is the day the admirals are coming to pick a wife.

Kate: Yeah. He’s never taken a wife before or even a single girlfriend.

Aidy: Yes. He’ll choose between us sisters.

Kate: Right. Whoever he finds the most sexually gorgeous.

Aidy: Hmm. Well sister, your hair is quite a mess. Why don’t you put on this hat? [giving hare a huge heavy anvil.]

Kate: Well, that’s an anvil.

Aidy: Oh, so it is. I thought it was a beret.

Kate: Um, sister, why don’t you sign your birthday card?

[Kate passes Aidy a card]

Aidy: Oh, well this is a suicide note.

Kate: Oh. Silly me. I thought you were turning ninety.

Aidy: [laughing] Sister, you’re looking chilly. Why don’t you put on this scarf? [Aidy passes Kate a big snake.]

Kate: That’s a boa constrictor.

Aidy: Oh! So it is. I thought it was a pashmina.

Kate: Sister, your breath. It’s half garbage here. Why don’t you pop this little mint?

[Kate passes Aidy a bomb]

Aidy: Oh! Well, that’s an actual bomb.

Kate: Oh, I wonder who du-du-du-du.

[door bell ringing]

Kate and Aidy: The admiral.

[Admiral walks in. He’s wearing his uniform.]

Admiral: Hm, hello ladies.

Kate: Um, yes, hello, Admiral. Now, which of us will be the object of your attraction?

Admiral: Hm, wow, what great options. This is going to be so hard.

[Julian walks in. He is wearing a sailor uniform.]

Julian: Oh, sisters. I’m back from war.

Admiral: Hello, sailor.

Aidy: Brother, you’re interrupting.

Kate: We’re seducing this man.

Julian: Oh, sisters. I ran all the way here from the pacific theater. I’m awful sweaty.

Admiral: [looking excited] How do you do?

Kate: Okay. Admiral, we’re sorry for the wretched intrusion from my pesky baby brother, Julina.

Aidy: Yes. But he wasn’t an admiral. He wasn’t an admiral like you. He was just a petty officer.

Julian: No, no. I got promoted.

Kate: Oh, really? To what?

Julian: Pass around party bottoms.

Admiral: Ha-da-du-da-daa!

Kate: [whispering to Aidy] Sister, I think the admiral is feeling something about Julian.

Aidy: Yes. I’m clocking it.

Julian: My! I’ve grown so much since the last time I was here. Let me measure myself against this wall. [Julian measures his height on the wall] I’m taller than I was here and here and even here. It looks like I got taller but I’m down for anything.

Admiral: No, boy!

Kate and Aidy: No, no, no, no, no, no.

Aidy: Admiral, we weren’t expecting our foppish brother today. Would you mind giving us a moment alone?

Admiral: Good idea.

[Admiral walks out.]

Aidy: [whispering to Kate] Sister, this is a disaster.

Kate: I know. When did our pesky little brother get gay hot?

Aidy: Well, he’s taking the admiral’s attention.

Kate: We need him to lust after us.

Aidy: Somehow, we have to make Julian less distracting.

Kate: Right. Right. I know. [calling out] Oh, Julian.

[Julian is eating a sausage]

Julian: Yes?

Kate: God! Put that down.

Aidy: Julian, um, bad news. The admiral says that you’re annoying.

Kate: Very annoying.

Julian: Oh, no! I don’t wanted admiral to think I’m annoying. I’ll just turn around and face the wall and hell forget that I’m here.

[Julian faces the wall bending over.]

Kate and Aidy: No, no, no, no, no, no.

Kate: That’s so annoying to look at.

Aidy: So annoying.

Julian: I know. I’ll hide myself behind the couch. Here, I’ll move it against the wall first. [while pushing the couch, he’s moaning.]

Kate: Oh, god! That’s annoying.

Aidy: Yes. That’s a nuisance for the admiral.

Julian: It’s so heavy. I’ll push down on it to help. [moaning] Take that. Yeah!

Aidy: Oh, holy hell.

Kate: No, I think I found that annoying.

Aidy: I know. I mean I’m basically half there.

Kate: Argh, we’ll never win.

Aidy: Okay, then what do we do? We’ll have to shoot him.

[Kate pulls out a tommy gun]

Kate: Yes. You’re right.

[Kate shoots at Julian. But the bullets only tears Julian’s clothes away.]

Kate and Aidy: No!

Kate: It’s a vest and shorts.

Aidy: That’s even cuter.

Kate: Oh! Calm sister. The admiral hasn’t picked yet!

Aidy: Yes, you’re right. It could definitely still be us.

[Admiral walks in]

All: The admiral.

Kate: Who will he choose?

Admiral: [pointing at Julian] The twink!