Rebecca… Cecily Strong
Jenny… Heidi Gardner
Daniel… John Mulaney
Chloe Fineman[Starts with Rebecca and Jenny bumping into each other at a grocery store at pet section]
Rebecca: Oh! Sorry. Jenny!
Jenny: Oh, Rebecca! Hi. Looks like we’re both buying dog food today.
Rebecca: Well, not really. I’m buying Blue River dog food, which is real food, which my Gunther really appreciates. Right, buddy? I mean, have you ever looked at the ingredients on that big name dog food you’re buying?
Jenny: They seem fine to me.
Rebecca: Really? Okay. Well, then, why don’t you read them out loud? In front of your dog?
Jenny: Okay. Corn, chicken, corn gluten meal.
Rebecca: Sorry, what is that? [mocking] Corn gluten meal?
Jenny: No. I think you heard me. How much do you pay for Blue River? Like, $80?
Rebecca: It’s not $80. It’s $73.99. It’s actually only 32 cents more a day than what you pay monthly?
Jenny: No, it’s not.
Rebecca: Actually it is. If you take the difference in the prices between the two bags and divide that by 28, 28 days in a month, right? Seven days in a week. Correct?
Jenny: Correct. Correct.
Rebecca: Yeah, right.
Jenny: I should be going okay.[Jenny tries to leave, but Rebecca keeps her holding]
Rebecca: 28. 28 days, four weeks is a month, right? So divided by 28, which we both agreed this month, it comes out to 32 cents a day monthly. I guess I wouldn’t be like bragging about all the savings because it’s actually not as much as you think.
Jenny: No! That math doesn’t make sense.
Rebecca: Oh, you don’t think so? Why don’t we ask my husband? Daniel!
Jenny: Oh my god! I don’t care.[Daniel walks in. He looks at Jenny’s dog food and looks disappointed]
Daniel: Oh my god. You’re not planning on feeding that to your fur baby, are you?
Jenny: She likes it, okay? And I’m saving money.
Daniel: 32 cents a day monthly? That’s worth it to you? For your dog not to be able to walk?[Jenny’s dog is a pug. She has kept her dog on her grocery stroller cart.] [sad music playing]
Rebecca: [being emotional] Oh my god. That’s why the dog’s been in the stupid cart. It can’t walk because of the food. The dog has just been sitting there and I think subconsciously, I knew what that meant the whole time, but I wasn’t even ready to show that to myself to show me that.
Jenny: Okay, look, she can walk.
Daniel: [yelling] People like you should be hung in a public square. [looking at Rebecca] Okay, look at me. I can fix this.
Rebecca: [sobbing] I just feel like these animals have no voice. Who will be their voice?
Daniel: You will. Rebecca Anbush. Look at me. Look at Gunther. Look at prime time. Look at Wantan. Look at Alexander. You always, always have been their advocates and their voice more than anyone, anyone who’s ever lived.
Rebecca: I know. I know. But it’s like it’s too late. I mean, the dog can’t walk. It’s just sitting there humiliated.
Daniel: He will walk. If it starts eating Blue River today. Now for the love of God. Look your dog in the eye and listen for the first time in your life.
Jenny: Fine! Felicity What do you want?[Rebecca goes to Jenny’s back and whispers in her hear]
Rebecca: I want Blue River dog food, mommy. Feed me Blue River dog food, mommy. I wanna walk. It’s only 32 cents more a day monthly. I don’t want a corn gluten meal. Listen.[Chloe walks in looking at Jenny]
Chloe: Do it! Do it! Do the right thing. It’s not too late.
Jenny: Oh my god. Fine. I will buy the Blue River, okay? [She puts in the Blue River dog food] May I go now please?
Rebecca: God, we just saved that dog’s life.
Daniel: Not we. You. And you know what else? I think I’m ready to do it. I think I’m finally ready to make love to you.
Rebecca: What? It’s working?
Daniel: If this is what I think it is, it’s working.
Rebecca: Everyone! He says it’s working.[Everyone is cheering for them]
Rebecca: We’ll go really slow.
Daniel: Thank you.
Male voice: Blue River dog food, if you want your dog to ever walk again.