Category: 2022

Hello Kitty

Cecily Strong

Molly Kearney

Marcello Hernandez

Bowen Yang

Keke Palmer

Sarah Sherman

[Starts with Cecily and Molly training the trainees]

Cecily: Hello, everyone, welcome to new employee training here at New York City’s first ever Hello Kitty store.

Molly: Who’s excited? Show us.

Trainees: Whoo!

Marcello: Let’s do it.

Bowen: Can’t weit. I love Hello Kitty.

Keke: Me too. Dream job alert.

Molly: Now as employees, you have to be prepared to answer any questions about Sam Rios Official Hello Kitty story.

Cecily: Yes. So if you open to page five of your employee manuals, you’ll see a list of facts about Hello Kitty. So as you can see, she loves to bake cookies. She goes to school and she’s actually not a cat. She is a human little girl.

Sarah: Hah, intresting.

Marcello: I never knew that.

Bowen: What?

Keke: No.

Cecily: Yeah, it’s a fun fact, right?

Molly: Now, isn’t this a sweet one? Hello Kitty’s favorite food is a mama’s apple pie.

Bowen: Hey, why did you say hello kitty as a human little girl?

Cecily: Well, because it’s true. According to the creator’s Hello Kitty is a human little girl.

Keke: So you’re saying if you had a baby and it came out looking like Hello Kitty, you think that baby was a human baby?

Bowen: Because I would tell the doctor to throw it away.

Cecily: Well, that’s not at all what I’m saying. These are just the official Sanrio facts about Hello Kitty.

Molly: Maybe we should move on. So Hello Kitty is in third grade, and fun fact, she lives in London.

Marcello: [fake British accent] Oh wicked, in’it?

Sarah: Cheerios.

Cecily: Good. She also has a boyfriend Dear Daniel. And unlike Hello Kitty, he actually is the cat.

Bowen: So the girl is a person, but the one in the suit and ties the cat?

Cecily: Yeah.

Molly: Yes.

Bowen: Yeah, okay, that’s not gonna work for me.

Keke: And they’re dating. So you’re telling us these two are clapping cheeks bear back.

Cecily: Bear back? Yeah. Hey, no, we don’t talk that way at Sanrio.

Bowen: I’m sorry. Is this not crazy to you guys?

Sarah: I guess it’s a little weird, but I don’t care about this job. It just seems like an insane place to get high.

Molly: We’re almost done. Okay, if people ask, Hello Kitty loves candy. She weighs five apples tall and she weighs three apples.

Keke: She’s measured in apples?

Molly: She’s also in third grade. She was born in 1974.

Keke: So She’s 48 years old?

Bowen: You’re telling me she’s a 48 year old third grader who’s clapping cheeks with a cat, no Jimmy?

Cecily: Nah. Nah. We don’t talk about clapping cheeks at Sanrio.

Molly: She loves milk. Her favorite shoes are sandals.

Keke: What’s her race?

Cecily: What?

Keke: What’s Hello Kitty’s race?

Cecily: She doesn’t have one.

Bowen: You didn’t want to touch that one? She has an age, height, pet in relationship, but she’s raceless?

Keke: Okay, and she could just be anything, say she’s black.

Cecily: I’m sorry. Excuse me?

Keke: Say that little white girl is black.

Cecily: No. We’re not going to do that.

Bowen: Do you like this? Confusing us with your lies about Hello Kitty having sex and how big apples are?

Keke: Because we only recognize one big apple. New York. The best city in the world, and we’re not gonna let you ruin it.

Bowen: Who’s with us?

james: [holding a shovel] I am.

Punkie: [holding an axe] I am too.

Heidi: [wearing statue of liberty outfit] Because I am New York.

Devon: And I am New York.

Andrew: [wearing Spiderman costume] And if you mess with Hello Kitty, you mess with New York.

Michael: [walking in with Hello Kitty] Isn’t that right, Hello Kitty?

[Hello Kitty opens her kitty mask. It’s Natasha Leon.]

Natasha: Yeah. Just tell us the truth, lady.

Cecily: Natasha Leone. What do you want?

Natasha: This is New York. So say that Hello Kitty isn’t a little human girl. Say she’s a cat.

Cecily: Okay, fine. She’s a cat.

[everyone starts celebrating]

Bowen: Now, come on, everybody. I gotta sell tickets to see the Yankees on Broadway at Madison Square Garden.

All: New York!

Male voice: Hello Kitty is a human? Forget about it. Paid for by the city of New York.

Forceington’s Ridge

Alexia… Cecily Strong

Bowen Yang

Sandrine… Keke Palmer

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: You’re watching the soap channel. We now return to a classic 1984 episode of Forceington’s Ridge.

[Cut to the show. Alexia is hosting a party.]

Alexia: Everyone, I hope you’re all enjoying the champagne. It’s made right here at Forceington Vineyards. And if you’re lucky, I’ll give you the recipe.

Bowen: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh Alexia, your drugs like you’re brave hairdos always worth.

Alexia: Someone’s trying to butter me up before I judge the Polo horse race contest this afternoon.

Bowen: Oh, Alexia, I don’t need luck. My horse is huge. Really big.

Alexia: Is it now? But then I guess it’s my job as the judge to be the judge of that big horse. Now please, everyone make your way to the garden for some key napes. Am I saying that right?

Bowen: Lead the way my dear.

Alexia: No, I think I’ll hang back a moment. I need to adjust my breasts in this big mirror.

[All the guests walk to the garden while Alexia is looking at herself on the mirror.]

There, perfect.

[Sandrine stands behind Alexia]

Sandrine: Hello, Alexia.

Alexia: Well, well, well, Sandrine St. Cassettape. You waited for my mirror shot?

Sandrine: Well with your vanity and wandering breasts, I knew just where to find you.

Alexia: I didn’t realize you had an invite.

Sandrine: Maybe you forgot to send it like you didn’t forget not to felicitate my husband ever did.

Alexia: Well, you said that wrong, but I did do it and I’ll do it again today.

Sandrine: Better you than me darling. My mouth is exit only.

Alexia: What are you doing here in my home?

Sandrine: Oh? Your home? You didn’t hear? I found out about your secret floor culture and I thought I could use some place to go to the bathroom when I have guests over.

Alexia: You bitch.

Sandrine: Takes one to be one.

[Alexia slaps Sandrine]

You’re gonna regret that.

[Alexia and Sandrine starts fighting]

[Suddenly they start fighting like pro athletes. They’re wearing knee pads and safety gears.]

Sandrine: Is that all you got, darling?

Alexia: Let me show you how I really feel. You almost smeared my lipstick.

Sandrine: Yes. What is that shade calls anyway? Desperate hag?

Alexia: When I get over there, I’m gonna…

[They starting fighting like pros again]

[Alexia carries Sandrine on her shoulders]

Sandrine: Let me down.

Alexia: With pleasure. [Throws Sandrine on the table and breaks it] Right over there.

Sandrine: Oh, that almost hurt.

Alexia: How’d you like it when your face hit my table?

Sandrine: It’s my my table now, remember? So I loved it as much as you’re going to love the taste of my fist.

[They starting fighting like pros again]

[Bowen walks in]

Bowen: Alexia, Sandrine, oh my god. I certainly hope this violence that about who’s feliciating me? By the way, tick tock.

Sandrine: No, darling. This is about something much, much bigger.

Bowen: Okay, I feel like that’s a dig at me. You two have been friends for 50 years.

Alexia: No. 15. 15.

Bowen: Yeah, sure.

Sandrine: But he’s right. You know, this is no way for two friends to behave.

Alexia: Friends? We’re not friends.

Sandrine: Business partners then?

Alexia: Business partners?

Sandrine: With my financial acumen and your champagne recipe, we’ll be unstoppable.

Alexia: Well that might be the best idea I’ve heard all day. Shall we talk through the details over lunch?

Sandrine: Yes, lunch.

[they walk to the garden]

Oh, Blaige, Storm, are you coming?

[Blaige and Storm are the two women who are dressed like Alexia and Sandrine and were fighting like professionals]

Female voice: To Forceington Cassettape’s vineyard.

Drake PSA

Courtney… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with women standing and talking.]

Courtney: Are you a woman? Have you ever dated the rapper Drake?

Punkie: Have you ever met Drake at a party? Talked on Instagram?

Courtney: Or even made flirty eye contact with him at a restaurant?

Keke: Has Drake then referenced you, your relationship or the potential there up in a song?

Courtney: If the answer is yes, you are not alone.

Keke: There are thousands of us, and you may be entitled to benefits.

Chloe: For too long we have witnessed Aubrey Drake gram right hit after hit about women who have wronged him.

Sarah: And some women who have done nothing at all.

Chloe: Only to earn millions of dollars.

Punkie: Well today, her loss is our gain.

Heidi: Because we, the thousands of Drake’s exes and shawties have voted to join forces.

Keke: And officially unionize as the United Tingz of Aubrey.

Punkie: It is time that we stand up and fight for our rights as Tings in the united front.

Courtney: My name is Courtney. I left Drake a voicemail once about an overdue car payment. And now I’m an interlude on an album. How does that work?

Heidi: I serve Drake some leather straps at PF Changs and 2009. I laughed at it as joke about our huge menus, and apparently I’m his ex now? Make that make sense.

Punkie: Well, Drake hit on me at a Dave and Busters once. I told him that I was a lesbian and he said, “Me too.”

Keke: My name is Keke Palmer. And that “Kiki, do you love me” song ruined my damn life. That man had the whole internet asking if I was the Kiki. Well, yes, I am the Keke, just got that Kiki. It was my name first. Stop acting like we smashed, and give me my damn $6 million.

Sarah: Drake sent me a Bobby Hill GIF on Instagram once. I said who is that? Next thing I know, I’m that goofy shawty from Virginia Beach who curved him.

Chloe: We may have started from the bottom, but we still here.

Keke: To be clear. To be clear, a union membership is not dependent on dating Drake. You may qualify as one of our Aubrey Tingz if you met Drake at a basketball game, met Drake at a club, saw Drake at a club, been to a club at all.

Punkie: Have dined at the following restaurants. Ruth’s Chris steakhouse. Carbone. Nobu, Nobu, Nobu, Nobu.

Sarah: But here at United Tingz of Aubrey, we believe in a brighter future.

Punkie: One where Tingz can be left alone.

Keke: and your name stays out of Drake’s mouth.

All: 525,600 shawties. 525,600 Tingz.

Keke: In strip clubs and airports, black women who live in Memphis.

Courtney: It doesn’t matter if you’ve met him at all.

Man: United Tingz of Aubrey. #TingsAcrossAmerica.

Choir Practice

[Starts with a group of girls having choir practice]

Bowen: Okay, girls, let’s get started with ‘Oh Holy Night’ and a one, and a two, and…

Girls: [singing] Holy night,
the stars are brightly shining
it is the night of our dear savior’s birth

Deedee and Dana: Fall on your knees
and hear the angels’ voices
oh night, divine, oh night divine

Bowen: Yes. I felt like I was there.

Ego: Mr. David, why did Deedee and Dana get to do all the solos?

Bowen: Because art is not fair.

Dana: And maybe if you put your whole P word into it like we do, you’ve got a solo.

Deedee: Yeah, we put our whole P word in it.

Bowen: Oh, I almost forgot. We have a new student joining us today transferring. Everyone, this is Kayla.

Deedee: Hello, my lady.

Dana: Welcome to Christ Wound Hi.

Kayla: Thanks. I’ve never gone to an all girls school before.

Dana: It’s like a regular school by way better because we’re all sisters here.

Deedee: Yeah, we’re all synced up, so that’s pretty cool to like insane.

Dana: Yeah. The last line of mine is like, insane.

Deedee: I don’t have mine yet, but I act crazy just to be a part of it.

Bowen: Focus up. Kayla, how about you sing a little ‘Oh holy night’ for us so we can hear a ring?

Kayla: I haven’t practiced.

Bowen: And a one, and a two and…

Kayla: Fall on your knees,
hear the angels voices
oh night, divine, oh night divine

Bowen: Hello. I’ll tell her. That was Broadway. You’re the new Funny Girl.

Deedee: Where’d you transfer from? Heaven?

Dana: Deedee, snap out of it. She’s our competition. You can let her steal our solo.

Deedee: Right, right, right.

Dana: Mr. David, are we going to bring it back. And one and a…

Fall on your knees

Deedee: On your knees.

Dana: Oh, hear the angels voices

Deedee: Sing it like wow. Because Christ was born in a city.

Kayla: Oh, night. Divine.

Bowen: All right. I made my decision. And I’ve consulted with the gods plural.

Ego: We go to Catholic school.

Bowen: Grow up. The solo goes to Kayla.

Dana: No!

Deedee: Seems fair to me.

Kayla: Wait. I have an idea. Christmas is a season of togetherness. So why don’t we all do the solo together?

Ego and Sarah: Us too?

Bowen: Even me?

Kayla: All of us. And let’s put our whole P words into it.

Deedee: I love this woman.

All: Fall on your knees
oh hear the angels voices
oh night, divine, oh night, divine

Big Boys

Keke: Winter has arrived, y’all.

Ego: Temperature’s droppin’.

Cecily: And you know what that means.

Punkie: It’s coughing season.

Cecily: That time of year when we find a man to keep us warm through these cold months.

Ego: But not just any man will do.

Cecily: That’s right. We out here lookin’ for some big boys.

SZA: [singing] It’s cuffin’ season
And now we’ve got a reason
To get a big boy, I need a big boy
Give me a big boy (Big, b-big, b-big, big boy)
It’s cuffin’ season
And all the girls are leavin’
To get a big boy (Big boy), I need a big boy (Big boy)
I want a big boy

Keke: I need a big boy w-wit’ polar bear arms
Keeps me warm in a winter snowstorm
Wind chill is bitin’ but his jacket’s unzipped
He bring in my groceries in just one trip

Ego: Till the sun comes back, I need a big boy hottie
Makes his own heat with his big boy body
For the next three months, skinny boys is dead
Forget a six-pack, I need the whole damn keg

Punkie: Big boy w-with a big ole back
A California king, refrigerator stacked
With steaks on steaks on steaks on steaks on steaks
Bu-bu-butter, bacon, cheese, and lasagna in the tray

Cecily: Need an enormous man with an enormous stand
Feeds me snacks with his enormous hands
And I hope he asks me to be his winter-wife
‘Cause messin’ with a big boy will change your life

SZA: It’s cuffin’ season
And all the girls be needin’
I need a big boy, I want a big boy
Give me a big boy

Ego: I need a big boy body, like a bouncer
Big mouth-breather and legs like a monster
Get in the bed and he gonna do me right
And when we all done he gonna snore all night
And then he stops
Did this man just die?

Keke: Anything I need, my big boy got it
If I need a snack, he got Snickers in his pocket

Cecily: Big warm hoodie, yeah, you know I’m gonna rock it
And if we gon’ travel, you know he gon’ put me in first-class
’cause he don’t fit in the back

Punkie: Hey, big boys (Ah, ah)
Go big boys (Ah, ah)
Hey, big boys (Ah, ah)
I like ’em big boys (Ah, ah)
Keke: Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Punkie, I thought you only liked girls.

Punkie: I love girls, but they can’t keep me warm. I wanna be the little-spoon sometimes. It’s like this.

I been mannin’ up the whole year
Taking care of kids and wife
I mow the lawn, take out the trash
You don’t think that I be tired?
All I do is work and stress and I could use a big boy so I could just relax
He need to have them love-handles in the front and in the back
And, yes, I want ’em three layers like McDonald’s BigMacs
But if we talkin’ girls, yo, I like my women big and it don’t matter what the season
Like ’em thick all year, yeah, yeah

SZA: It’s cuffin’ season
And now we got a reason
To get a big boy, I want a big boy
Give me a big, big, big boy

Kenan: We out here, ladies. We the reason for the season. These bears don’t hibernate in the winter. You know where to find us. We’ll be shovelin’ snow in shorts.

Women: Big, b-big, b-big boys.

Arby’s

[Starts with a commercial]

Male voice: It’s back. The Arby’s 5 for 10. That’s right. You get five Arby’s roast beef sandwiches for only $10. That’s five stacked juicy roast beef sandwiches for just 10 bucks. What do you have to say about that?

Cecily: I guess all I have to say is how?

Bowen: Yeah, that just seems like a lot of roast beef sandwiches for $10.

Male voice: It’s five heaping piles of tender roast beef for only 10 measly dollars. Can you even believe it?

Keke: Honestly, no.

Mikey: We’re struggling to understand the physics of how this much roast beef is $10.

Keke: Because isn’t one roast beef sandwich normally at least $5?

Male voice: Ha-ha-ha. A bet you never thought $10 to get you five mountains of roast beef.

Cecily: That’s exactly what we’re saying. We don’t think it’s possible.

Bowen: I just Googled roast beef prices at the grocery store and it sells for $11 a pound. But you’re saying…

Male voice: We’re giving you pound after pound of roast beef for just $10.

Keke: Yes. See, that’s what’s throwing us off, because it roast beef is $11 a pound. I mean, I know bread super cheap, but it’s not negative dollars.

Mikey: Arby’s is a for profit business, right? Like your goal is to make money? Because I couldn’t make five roast beef sandwiches at home for $10.

Keke: I don’t think I could make five roast beef sandwiches for less than $30.

Mikey: So I guess we’re wondering Where are you getting all this roast beef?

Male voice: Arby’s we have the meats!

Keke: No, no, no, no. That don’t answer the question. We know you have the meats. But where are you getting the meats?

Mikey: Also what kind of meats?

Male voice: And over at Taco Bell, don’t miss the new $5 box.

Mikey: Wait what?

Male voice: You get a chalupa supreme, a beefy five layer burrito, cinnamon twists, nacho cheese and chips and the 20 ounce soda for only $5.

Cecily: Oh my God. Is that real?

Male voice: Look it up. It’s the $5 box, only at Taco Bell?

Bowen: Okay, I don’t like that you change the subject to Taco Bell. But now I’m worried about this $5 box too.

Keke: You get multiple burritos, and cinnamon twists, and chips and nacho cheese and giant soda for $5?

Mikey: How can that physically happen? I mean each full burrito is like 70 cents.

Male voice: So Arby’s is looking pretty good by comparison, right?

Cecily: No. This all sounds horrible. Yeah, I thought the four for four menu at Wendy’s was insane.

[Kenan jumps out]

Kenan: Oh, what’s that?

Cecily: That’s a full cheeseburger and order of chicken tenders, fries and a soda for $4.

Kenan: Sounds suspicious.

Bowen: Hold on. Ving Rames? You do the voiceover in the store?

Kenan: That’s right. I’m physically present at every Arby’s location. Arby’s, we have the rains.

Cecily: Sir, and you think the Wendy’s deal sounds suspicious?

Bowen: You’re the ones offering five giant…

Kenan: Towers.

Bowen: Of roast beef for $10.

Mikey: How many sandwiches do you get from one cow?

Kenan: Oh, I don’t know. A million.

Keke: We’d honestly rather to pay more and get less roast beef. Then we would be so worried about where it’s coming from.

Kenan: Okay, so how much? How much?

Bowen: I don’t know. I guess to roast beef sandwiches for $12?

Cecily: I think three for 15.

Bowen: You’re gonna eat three roast beef sandwiches?

Cecily: Hey! [slaps Bowen] Do not shame me. Not in my debut Arby’s commercial.

Male voice: Arby’s new three for 15. You’ll pay a little more, but at least you’ll understand how it could physically be possible.

Weekend Update- Woman Wins Back-to-Back Lottos, Child Arrested for Touching Teacher

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Cleopatra at right top corner.]

Michael Che:  Archaeologists in Egypt have discovered a tunnel that they think leads to the long lost tomb of Cleopatra. Cleopatra’s, of course, the enchanting queen who seduced both Mark Antony and Julius Caesar, I assume because she’s really funny or something? I don’t know.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Woman wins $400K in back to back lottos” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A woman in Delaware won $400,000 after hitting back to back lottos in the same day. But the woman says she’s still going to keep her day job, forging lottery tickets.

The US Air Force is denying that its pilots intentionally flew a flight path that created a giant penis pointed at Russia. Even worse, they then fired missiles.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “White student assaults two black students” at right top corner.]

Michael Che:  A white student at the University of Kentucky was arrested after she was caught on video using a racial slur and assaulting two Black students. She has been charged with one count of impersonating a police officer.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “10 year old arrested for touching teacher’s breast” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A 10 year old boy in Florida faces misdemeanor battery charges after he allegedly touched a teacher’s breast. Because, under Florida law, students are required to wait for their teacher to make the first move.

 

Weekend Update- Sarah Sherman Debuts Sarah News

Colin Jost

Sarah Sherman

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, guys, we’re six shows into the new season. Here to discuss a personal gripe with me is our very own Sarah Sherman.

[Sarah Sherman slides in]

[Cheers and applause]

Sarah Sherman: Colin, I’ve got a bone to pick with you.

Colin Jost: Oh, God, what did I do now?

Sarah Sherman: None of these jokes are about me. It was all midterms this, Trump that, but what about Sarah?

Colin Jost: We can’t do jokes about you, Sarah.

Sarah Sherman: But I can, and I’m gonna do them all here right now.

[music playing]

[new Weekend Update goofy intro of “Sarah News” playing]

Colin Jost: You brought your own set?

Sarah Sherman: Of course I did, ’cause yours looks ugly. I’m Sarah, and this is the “Sarah News.” A tunnel below Niagara Falls recently opened to the public for the first time in over a century. A musty, old tunnel letting people back in after years of disuse? “I can only hope,” said my boyfriend. That’s right, America. I have a boyfriend. Don’t let the queer haircut fool you, honey. I’m as straight as Michael Che’s “Update’ persona.”

[Michael Che is confused]

Earlier this week, Elon Musk suspended Twitter’s paid verification system. Well, I guess the only checkmark next to my name will be the one on Kanye’s list of Jews to keep an eye on.

Colin Jost: Okay, alright. Alright, I think that’s enough jokes about Sarah.

Sarah Sherman: Bro, I’m only gonna say this once. Stop touching my leg under the table. [they’re sitting too far for that, and Colin’s hands are visible on the camera]

Colin Jost: I’m not doing that.

Sarah Sherman: It’s time for world news. [pulls out a globe, spins it and points on it randomly] Today, I’ll be doing a story on… Whoa! Pennsylvania!

Colin Jost: You pointed to the middle of the ocean.

Sarah Sherman: Okay, what are you, a geographer? Relax, bro. In Pennsylvania news, senator elect and big, gorgeous monster John Fetterman has received criticism for his casual dress. And I agree. Those cargo shorts and hoodies don’t belong on the Senate floor. They belong crumpled up on my bedroom floor. Hachi machi. Thanksgiving must’ve come early this year because that hunk is giving the turkey wattle between my legs something to be thankful for.

Colin Jost: Oh, my God. That is disgusting.

Sarah Sherman: Somebody’s jealous. Speaking of disgusting, I recently had an allergic reaction that made my face look like this. But on the bright side, now I have a picture to show the HR lady when she asks, “What did Colin ever do to you?”

Colin Jost: Sarah, that is horrible. Alright, we have to end this.

Sarah Sherman: Why? So you can get back to, like, whatever this crap is? [pointing at Colin’s notes]

Colin Jost: Wait, what?

Sarah Sherman: Hey, guys, by the way, these aren’t notes. They’re just Colin’s little drawings of me. [Pulls Colin’s paper and shows it to the audience. It has a rough drawing of a woman in bikini]

Colin Jost: You planted that. Sarah Sherman, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.

Weekend Update- Jose Suarez on His Goal to Be the First Latino-American President

Colin Jost

Jose Suarez… Marcello Hernandez

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Exit polls from this year’s midterms show that Latinos were a larger share of the electorate than ever before. Here to tell us why he was inspired to one day run for President is Jose Suarez.

[Cheers and applause]

Jose Suarez: Thank you. Buenos noches, Colin. Thank you very much. Thank you very much.

Colin Jost: Welcome, Jose. So do you think of yourself as a Republican or a Democrat?

Jose Suarez: I’m, uh, just happy to be here, Colin. Everybody complaining all the time about everything. Guess what? It’s fine. Everything is basically fine. And that’s going to be my campaign slogan. “Jose Suarez – everything is basically fine. So relax, okay? It’s fine.”

Colin Jost: Wow, well, that is a refreshing outlook.

Jose Suarez: Yes, exactly, Colin. What do people complain about anyway? “My gas is too expensive.” News flash ever heard of legs? My mother walked almost 100 miles to work every day, and her left leg didn’t work. She had to pull it.

Colin Jost: That doesn’t make any sense.

Jose Suarez: And inflation, Colin. Everybody complain inflation is so bad. The price of milk is too high. How about just don’t drink milk? Who’s even complaining about the price of milk? The babies? Do you drink milk, Colin?

Colin Jost: I mean, maybe just a warm glass before bed.

[Jose Suarez makes his disgusted face]

Jose Suarez: And the WiFi, Colin. Everybody complain, “Ooh, the WiFi, it’s too slow. The WiFi. My poor, little WiFi.”

Colin Jost: I don’t think that’s a major complaint.

Jose Suarez: Growing up in Cuba, Colin, there was no WiFi. It was only “Why (Wi of Wi-Fi).” “W is it so hot?” “Why did the power go out?” “Why is the president taking all our stuff?” Colin, if you want something in America, you press a button on your phone and Jeff Bezos send it to your house. What are we complaining about?

Colin Jost: Can we go back a second? You were born in Cuba? Well, then, you can’t run for president, right?

Jose Suarez: I don’t think anybody really gonna care about that, Colin.

Colin Jost: I’m pretty sure they are, but let’s just talk about some of your positions. Like, what are your thoughts on Roe v. Wade?

Jose Suarez: Well, I say Roe (row) if you can, but if you don’t have a boat, you’re gonna have to wait (Wade). I’m just kidding, Colin. I’m just kidding. All I know is, if I am the president, every mother gonna get one chancleta.

Colin Jost: And what is a chancleta, Jose?

Jose Suarez: [mocking] “And what is a chancleta, Jose?” It’s a sandal, Colin.

Colin Jost: And what is a mother going to do with one sandal?

Jose Suarez: You never know. That’s the scary part. Sometimes they don’t even have to use it. They just show it, send a message, and then put it away. “What did you say to me? That’s what I thought.”

Colin Jost: Alright. Chancleta. I will remember that. My one year old has been acting up. So, Jose, what is your final message to the American people?

Jose Suarez: That we should all be grateful, Colin. This is a great country and I think we need to remember how lucky we really are.

Colin Jost: That’s true. Although, it does seem like you’re kind of ignoring some pretty real problems in the country.

Jose Suarez: [showing his sandal] What did you say to me, Colin?

Colin Jost: [laughing] No, nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Jose Suarez: That’s what I thought.

Colin Jost: Jose Suarez, everyone.

Jose Suarez: Vote Jose! God bless Miami.

Weekend Update- Democrats Win Senate in 2022 Midterms, Rupert Murdoch Turns on Trump

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

 Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

 Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

 Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of

[Cheers and applause]

[There’s a picture of a newspaper article that says “Democrats Retain Power in Senate” at left top corner.]

Well, everyone, Democrats have retained control of the Senate. [Cheers and applause] I don’t know if that’s really official, but we’re not a real news program, so I’m just gonna call it. I was actually surprised they won given President Biden’s low approval ratings. I guess Biden’s kind of like the “Jurassic World” movies, extremely successful despite a 4Michael Che% rating. [Laughter]

[Picture changes to Tucker Carlson]

Republicans, by the way, are not taking it well. Tucker Carlson, seen here struggling to make it through No Nut November, he criticized the voting— You guys are all doing it, too? Okay. Criticized the voting process and called electronic voting machines a threat to democracy. I’m actually not that worried about the voting machines. I’m worried that they’re being operated by the oldest people I’ve ever seen. Truly, this year, the woman who gave me my ballot was wearing two stickers, one that said, “I voted,” and another that said, “I survived the Titanic.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Raphael Warnock and Herschel Walker at right top corner.]

 Michael Che: The key Senate race in Georgia between Raphael Warnock and Herschel Walker will move on to a runoff in December. But Walker has offered Warnock $500 to just, you know, take care of it, baby.

[Picture changes to an article that says “Black voters frustrated they must save the senate again”]

Many Black voters in Georgia were frustrated with another runoff election because the burden of saving the Senate fell on them once again. It’s happened so often, there’s already a movie about it.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Hershel Walker at left top corner.]

 Colin Jost: In a speech yesterday, Herschel Walker called America “The greatest country in the United States.” But, on the plus side, at least he has a general idea of where he is. Walker then apologized for misspeaking saying, “I know I’m not always the sharpest tool in the refrigerator.”

[Picture changes to Mark Kelly and Blake Masters]

Senator Mark Kelly defeated challenger Blake Masters in the Arizona Senate race. Masters can now return to his true passion of… I’m gonna guess strangling hitchhikers?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

 Michael Che: President Biden said that he plans to run again in 2024 but won’t make a final decision until early next year. Because it’s like his doctor told him, “I wouldn’t plan too far ahead.”

After this year’s election,a record setting 12 states will have female governors while the other 38 states will have dinner ready on time. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “25 year old elected to congress” at left top corner.]

 Colin Jost: A 25 year old from Florida will become the first Gen Z member of Congress. “Younger,” said Matt Gaetz.

[Picture changes to Rupert Murdoch and Donald Trump]

Rupert Murdoch, this week officially turned on Donald Trump. First, the “New York Post” ran a cover calling Ron DeSantis Ron DeFuture, even though Rhonda Future sounds more like a drag queen from outer space. Then on Thursday, the “Post” showed Donald Trump as an egg sitting on a wall with the headline, “Trumpty Dumpty,”which had to be the easiest Photoshop job in history. And now Trump is threatening to reveal unflattering information about Ron DeSantis. For example, did you know Ron DeSantis is in charge of the state where some maniac was hiding stolen nuclear secrets?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Covid leads to iPhone production delay at right top corner.]

 Michael Che: Apple is saying that COVID in China has led to a slowdown in iPhone production. Wow. So I guess the new variant does affect children.

I love this crowd.

 Colin Jost: Nearly half a billion dollars was spent in California on campaigns aimed at legalizing sports gambling online but failed by a wide margin. Said supporters of the bill, “Okay, double or nothing.”