Tag: Aidy Bryant

Michael Cohen Wiretap Cold Open

Michael Cohen… Ben Stiller

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Harold Bornstein… Martin Short

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

Host… Heidi Gardner

Sarah Huckabee Sanders… Aidy Bryant

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Omarosa Manigault… Leslie Jones

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Ivanka Trump… Scarlett Johansson

Jared Kushner… Jimmy Fallon

Stormy Daniels

[Starts with a video message “The following is based on real events.”]

[Cut to Michael Cohen walking around a telephone booth. He is wearing a suit. He picks up the phone and dials the number. The phone is connecting.]

[Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: [answering the phone] Hello, it’s Donald Trump. Who this?

Michael Cohen: It’s Michael Cohen. God, I miss you so much.

Donald Trump: Oh, hey. What’s up, amigo? How you holding up in prison?

Michael Cohen: I’m not in prison.

Donald Trump: Oh, well. Give it a couple of weeks.

Michael Cohen: Mr. Trump, we’re in big trouble. I think they know about our allusion-K and obstruction of justice, J.

Donald Trump: Sorry. I don’t speak Spanish.Wait, are you on a secure line?

Michael Cohen: Absolutely. I dialed *Mike PenceMelania Trump before the numbers. So, it’s completely untraceable.

[Cut to two FBI agents listening to their conversation, shaking their heads.]

[Cut back to Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Listen, Trump. I don’t know what to do. You keep changing your story on Stormy Daniels payment.

Donald Trump: Look. Let’s get Rudy Giuliani on the phone. He’ll fix this. He’s got the sharpest legal mind since my cousin Vinny.

Michael Cohen: Um, okay. But, just to be safe let me call you back with one of my burner phones.

Donald Trump: Wait, you kept the burner phones? That’s not good.

[Cut to Michael Cohen. He hangs up the phone, and dials the number on his burner phone.]

[Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Harold Bornstein.]

Harold Bornstein: [Harold Bornstein answering the phone] Yes, hello. This is Dr. Harold Bornstein. Would you like to know any of my patient’s medical history?

Michael Cohen: Dammit! I tried to dial Trump Donald but I dialed Trump doctor.

Harold Bornstein: Is this you, Michael Cohen? Michael, I’m glad you called. Someone broke into my office and stole my file. I guess you could say I was [yelling] raped!

Michael Cohen: I don’t think you could say that.

Harold Bornstein: Well, I already did. [yelling] Raped!

Michael Cohen: Alright. Can we talk about this later?

Harold Bornstein: No. I’m busy later. [giggling] No, I’m kidding. I have zero commitment personally and professionally. But if you ever want to do drugs, I can get you all the drugs.

[Cut to two FBI agents listening to their conversation, shaking their heads.]

[Cut to Michael Cohen and Harold Bornstein]

Michael Cohen: Alright. I’ll call you back, Harold. Goodbye.

Harold Bornstein: Okay. I’ll just be sitting here in my office where I live. [yelling] Bye!

[Cut to Michael Cohen. He hangs up the phone and dials another number.]

[Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: [answering the phone] Hello.

Michael Cohen: Rudy? Is that you?

Rudy Giuliani: Yes. That’s right. It’s me, Rudy. Rudy Giuliani. Trump’s lawyer and his worst nightmare.

Michael Cohen: Rudy, can we speak freely? Are you alone?

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani in the set of an interview at FOX News. The host is sitting right next to him.]

Rudy Giuliani: Yeah. Yeah. I’m pretty much alone. [to Sarah Huckabee Sanders] This is a commercial break, right toots?

Host: No.

Rudy Giuliani: Okay. Yeah, we’re, good to talk. Good to talk.

Michael Cohen: Alright. Let in loop in Mr. Trump. [Rudy Giuliani presses buttons] Alright, is everyone on?

[Cut to split screen between Michael Cohen, Rudy Giuliani, Donald Trump and the FBI agents.]

Donald Trump: Yes.

Rudy Giuliani: Yes.

[The FBI Agents are nodding their heads yes.]

Michael Cohen: Guys, can we please just decide on one lie and stick to it? Coz our stories are all over the place.

Donald Trump: Guys, hold that thought. I’m getting a call from work. [Donald Trump presses a button.]

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Sarah Huckabee Sanders]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Mr. President, I have lost all credibility. Did you lie to me about the Stormy Daniels affair?

Donald Trump: Yeah. That sounds like something I would do.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Okay, good. Just as long as we’re on the same page. I’m good to go. See you on Monday.

[Donald Trump presses a button.]

[Cut to split screen between Michael Cohen, Rudy Giuliani, Donald Trump and the FBI agents.]

Donald Trump: Okay, I’m back.

Rudy Giuliani: Guys, guys, can we hurry this up? I’m supposed to do 25 more talk show appearances today and I’m trying to make it like an advert calendar where I reveal one new crime in each show.

[phone ringing]

Michael Cohen: Oh, I’m getting another call. Hang on.

[Michael Cohen answers the phone]

[Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Melania Trump]

Melania Trump: Hello, Michael. It’s Melania.

Michael Cohen: Oh, hey, Melania. I was just talking to Donald about–

Melania Trump: Yeah, yeah. Listen, I have completely hypothetical question for a friend of mine, okay? If your husband is accused of crime, would she have to testify against him?

Michael Cohen: No.

Melania Trump: But could she? If she wants to?

Michael Cohen: I guess she could.

Melania Trump: Oh, my friend will be so happy. Thank you Michael.

[Michael Cohen hangs up the phone. He is looking at all the phones and is confused.]

Michael Cohen: Wait, which phone was Mr. Trump on? [looks at one phone and speaks on it] Hello?

[Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Omarosa Manigault]

Omarosa Manigault: Yeah. This is Omarosa an I’m still pissed off.

Michael Cohen: No!

[Michael Cohen hangs up the phone and speaks on another.]

Hello?

[Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: Hi there, stranger. What’s your name?

Michael Cohen: Mike Pence?

Mike Pence: Who is this? I was told this was a party line with no questions asked?

Michael Cohen: Ah! I gotta call you back.

[Michael Cohen hangs up the phone and speaks on another.]

Hello?

[Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen, Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner. Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner are standing together. Ivanka is on the phone.]

Ivanka Trump: Yes, this is Ivanka and Jared. [cheers and applause]

Jared Kushner: [squeaky voice] Hi, hi. Hello.

Ivanka Trump: Michael, did we hear Giuliani called Jared disposable on national television? Coz, Jared is furious.

Jared Kushner: [yelling] Yeah, man! Like, what the hell? I’m so mad right now. You didn’t even want to see me. I mean, I could cut a bitch! Don’t ever try to cover me. [making noise]

Michael Cohen: Listen. Ivanka, you know your dad would do anything to protect you. But if he needs to, he’d throw Jared under the bus in a heartbeat.

Jared Kushner: What did he say?

Ivanka Trump: He said you’re fine.

Michael Cohen: Alright. I’ll talk to you later.

[Michael Cohen hangs up the phone and speaks on another.]

Mr. Trump?

[Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Where the hell were you Michael? I don’t have time to wait on hold. I was supposed to be meeting with my new chief strategist, Kanye West.

Michael Cohen: What do you want me to do?

Donald Trump: Call up Stormy Daniels and fix this once and for all. Maybe keep me on the phone too. I’ll just be quiet and listen.

[Michael Cohen presses buttons]

[Cut to Stormy Daniels answering the phone]

Stormy Daniels: Hello.

[Cut to split screen with Stormy Daniels, Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Michael Cohen: Stormy, this is Michael Cohen. Are you alone?

Stormy Daniels: Yes.

Donald Trump: And what are you wearing?

Stormy Daniels: Excuse me?

[Michael Cohen is pissed off that Donald Trump spoke]

Donald Trump: Okay, Michael. I can take it from here.

Michael Cohen: Okay. But as your attorney, I highly advice against you–

[Donald Trump cuts Michael Cohen from the line]

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Stormy Daniels.]

Donald Trump: So, wad up, girl?

Stormy Daniels: Hello, Donald.

Donald Trump: Come on, Stormy. Stop making such a big deal about this. Everyone knows it’s just an act.

Stormy Daniels: I work in adult films. We’re really not known for our acting.

Donald Trump: Just tell me what do you need for this to all go away?

Stormy Daniels: A resignation.

Donald Trump: Yeah, right. Being president is like doing porn. Once you do it, it’s hard to do anything else. Besides, my poll numbers are finally up. And speaking of polls being up–

Stormy Daniels: Donald?

Donald Trump: Oh, come on. We’ll always have shark week. I solved North and South Korea. But can I solve us?

Stormy Daniels: Sorry, Donald. It’s too late for that. I know you don’t believe in climate change but a storm’s coming, baby.

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: I’ve never been so scared and so horny at the same time.

Stormy Daniels and Donald Trump: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

A Kanye Place

Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Kenan Thompson

Aidy Bryant

David… Donald Glover

[Starts with five people walking in a farm at night. It’s dark. They are whispering while speaking.]

Cecily: I’m so scared.

Beck: Shh. Don’t let the monsters hear us.

Kenan: We have to be quiet.

Aidy: [to Kenan] I love you.

[David is using his phone as he’s walking. He gets surprised.]

David: You guys.

Cecily: Shh.

David: Kanye just tweeted–

Aidy: David! Shh!

David: He said he would have voted for Trump.

Cecily: Wait, seriously? When?

Kenan: Guys, don’t talk unless it’s absolutely necessary. The monsters can’t see us but they can hear us. And if we’re too loud, we’ll all be killed.

[David looks at the phone again]

David: Kanye has the hat and everything.

Beck: Shh!

David: He signed it. He signed the hat, y’all!

Kenan: Let me see that. [in loud voice] Oh, common, Kanye!

[Suddenly something pulls Kenan into the bushes. He’s gone.]

[Cut to A Kanye Place video bumper]

[Cut to the farm. The other four are still there. Beck gestures not to make a sound.]

[David looks at the phone. He is shocked again]

David: Trump tweeted Kanye.

[Beck gestures “We don’t care. Shut up.”]

Aidy: Kanye is a distraction. We should only talk about what’s important.

Beck: Like, how to survive the monsters.

Aidy: And then I guess also like, the midterms. Coz like, what’s happening with that?

Cecily: I don’t know. I can’t keep up.

[David looks at the phone]

David: Guys, they’re at Chrissy Teigen’s house.

Cecily: No, Kanye. Leave Chrissy Teigen out of this.

David: It really feels like damage control.

Cecily: Did Chrissy Teigen cook anything?

[David looks at the phone]

David: Combo.

Beck: Shh. The monsters will hear us.

Aidy: Well, why are we even talking about this?

David: Because it’s out. It’s all about them. And guess who as at the baby shower. Jesse Tyler Ferguson.

Cecily: [in loud voice] From Modern freaking Family?

[Suddenly something pulls Cecily into the bushes. She’s gone.]

Aidy: Oh, my god! She’s gone.

Beck: What if we die here?

David: What if Kanye’s just playing us?

Aidy: You think that’s what’s happening? That is so scary.

David: Thank god he just released a new track.

Aidy: What? But we can’t take the risk of listening to it. Two people just got taken by monsters.

David: I’ve got earbuds.

Aidy: Then cue it up, bitch.

[The music plays without earbuds. Beck takes the phone from them and throws it to the bushes.]

Beck: You idiots.

Aidy: Did he just say, “Poopadi scoop?” [referring to Kanye’s song]

Beck: It doesn’t matter. None of this matters.

Aidy: I need to know if he said “Poopadi scoop.”

[Aidy walks in the bushes to find the phone Beck threw.]

[in loud voice] Yes, he said “Poopadi scoop!”

[Suddenly something pulls Aidy into away. Beck and David start running.]

[Cut to Beck putting sand on the floor. David is still lookin at a phone. The red lights around them turn on.]

Beck: Oh, no. The red lights. It’s an emergency.

David: I know. Kanye was just on TMZ and he said, “Slavery was a choice.”

Beck: [yelling] Nooo!

[Suddenly something pulls Beck into the bushes. She’s gone.]

[Cut to David getting inside a room. There are security camera monitors in that room. There he sees something running on four feet. But David changes the screen visual into Kanye’s speech.]

Kanye: I don’t want y’all to call me fat, so I go liposuction. Right? And they gave me Opoids.

[David takes his phone and starts listening to Kanye’s new music]

David: Hmm, kind of grows on you.

[The monster catches David too.]

[The End]

Wild Wild Country

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

Sheila … Nasim Pedrad

Melissa Villaseñor

Alex Moffat

[Starts with Netflix video bumper. It’s a documentary about hippy cult.]

[Cut to people walking in groups everyone wearing red.]

Aidy: It was the most fulfilling time of my life.

Beck: We created an entire community based on compassion and sharing.

Kate: Rajneesh’s agenda was simply to raise consciousness. That was his goal.

Female voice: It was beautiful.

Male: It was about love.

Kenan: Me? I do it for the ass.

Sheila: The people of Oregon was so blinded by their bigotry that they couldn’t even witness the miracle that was happening right in front of them.

Kenan: I mean, there was ass everywhere. Damn!

Melissa: I don’t know where they came from, but I wish they’d go back.

Alex: We weren’t just gonna sit back and let some cult move in and take over our town. I mean, this was our home.

Kenan: They would do these meditations. Everybody get butt naked and just wiggling their flappy parts. I put on my old adidas track suit and blended in with them hippies. And before I knew it, I was knee deep in happy ass. Ain’t no hip!

Beck: When I saw Rajneesh in person, I was so overcome with joy and emotion. I cried like a baby.

Kenan: I see this long caravan of cadillacs roll up and I’m thinking, “Hmm, that must be the OJ or somebody.” Then this brother steps out dressed in all red and everybody following him were dressed in all red too. And I said to myself, “Oh, lord. Here come the bloods.”

Alex: He was a conman. He had those people brainwashed.

Melissa: I don’t like that guy.

Aidy: He was incredible. He spoke with this, unbelievable power. So much grace.

Kenan: Man, I ain’t understand a damn word he was saying. I just know 10,000 horny white women showed up the town wearing no bras overnight. So, I told my old lady, “Look, baby, I think we’re growing apart.”

Aidy: The town was a bunch of trash hicks.

Pete: They all have this weird dead look in their eyes. I don’t know if it’s drugs or satanic.

Beck: There were no drugs in the community.

Kenan: I’d do a little bump before I left the house. And then another one just outside the house. And then one more before going back in the house. But that was it. Whoow!

Sheila: Free love was certainly part of it.  It was essential to our spiritual journey.

Sheila when she was young: Okay, who want’s to [bleep] Sheila?

[Kenan raises his hand]

Kenan: Man, Sheila was a freak. She made me harder than trigonometry.

Alex: We’d hear them at night loudly having sex like animals.

Kenan: Oh, it was wonderful. You could smell the sex funk from miles. It was thick. Smell like a karate class for monkeys.

Aidy: And it all changed.

Kate: A bomb went off.

Aidy: They bombed out hotel and it was a deliberate attack.

Sheila: If I didn’t take measures to protect our community, no one else would do it.

[Now, all the women have guns]

Sheila when she was young: They want to play rough? Okay. Would you kill for Bagwan?

Kenan when he was young: Who’s bagwan?

Kenan: All of a sudden, everybody was walking around with pistols. I said, “I knew y’all was the bloods. Don’t you get me caught up in this mess.” You see, I’m from Compton. I left because of the crime situation. I committed bunch of crimes and it became a situation.

Beck: It’s a shame that western would couldn’t accept us.

Kate: We were free.

Sheila: We were a religion.

Kenan: We was the bloods.

Male voice: Sheila, whatever your plans are, we don’t want the Rajneeshs. We don’t want the orange people in our town.

Sheila when she was young: What can I say? Tough [bleep]

Kenan: You one crazy ass Puerto Rican lady.

National School Walkout

Mr. H… Kenan Thompson

Gerald… John Mulaney

Meghan… Melissa Villaseñor

Kyle Mooney

Heidi Gardner

Luke Null

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Pete Davidson

Lance… Alex Moffat

Principal Anderson… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Mr. H talking to a class.]

Mr. H: Alright, class. I know you’re all participating in today’s walkout. I just wanna say, I support you.

Gerald: Thanks, Mr. H. We’re gonna join millions of students who are standing up for what’s right.

Meghan: Gerald, it’s been so cool organizing our school’s protest with you.

Gerald: Yeah. I had a great time with you too, Meghan.

Meghan: Yeah. I think we make a great team.

[Meghan rub’s Gerald’s shoulder.]

Gerald: Oh, no. Don’t make the eye contact and rub the shoulder at once. Okay. [looks down at his pants. He gets a boner.] It’s happening.

Kyle: It’s 12 o’clock. Everybody stand up.

[Everyone stands up.]

Gerald: No, wait. Maybe we shouldn’t stand up right now.

Heidi: You don’t wanna stand up against gun violence?

Gerald: Not at this specific moment. When I’m wearing my shorts.

Meghan: Gerald, what’s wrong? We had a plan [everyone takes seat] Let’s do just like you said. Let’s stand tall and walk out leading with our pelvis.

Gerald: I hate that I was so specific. Okay, new idea. Instead of doing a walkout, how about we do a lie down?

Luke: A lie down? How does that work?

Gerald: Well, to protest, we all face down on the floor and then we writhe around a little until it’s gone.

Mr. H: Kids, I don’t know what ‘s going on with Gerald, but I thought the room would be empty by now. And I timed my e-cig break for the walkout. So, walk out.

[Gerald looks at his pants again]

Gerald: Wait, I think my problem’s going away.

Luke: That’s great man!

[Luke taps on Gerald’s shoulder]

Gerald: And it’s back. And I learned something about myself.

Aidy: I think it’s pretty clear what’s going on with Gerald.

Gerald: Oh, on. What have you got? Like, a side view or something?

Aidy: Gerald thinks that the media has been giving all the coverage to white schools.

Gerald: Oh, yes. I like this. Yes.

Aidy: Ignoring the people of color who face violence at higher incidents.

Gerald: Yes, they do face that. Keep talking. This is good. This is good.

Aidy: Great! Then, Gerald, you lead this dialog on race. Stand up without holding books or jackets in front of you and you march straight down to Thurgood Marshall Public High and you say, “Fellas, I know this thing is hard and upsetting and it’s pretty darn crooked, but if we roll up our sleeves, we can beat it together.”

Gerald: [shaking his head] I’m gonna pass.

Kate: Listen, friends. I know I’m just a foreign exchange student but Sweden, we have no guns, no shootings and no sunlight. We sit year around in total darkness eating fish that is rotten on purpose. So, America should just become like Sweden. And ice covered nation of 1,200 people and one giant.

Meghan: Anyway, come on, guys. If we don’t band together, what’s next? Training teachers to use firearms?

Mr. H: Okay. I’ll get right on that. In addition to teaching history, gym and then driving you all home on the bus, I’m spread so thin, I’ve had to teach myself to micro nap. [Mr. H takes a micro nap, snoring, wakes up in few seconds.] Seat belts!

[Heidi stands]

Heidi: [acting very furious] Isn’t anyone worried that this walkout could go us in trouble? This could go on my permanent record.  I won’t get into an Ivy League school. My mother will disown me because I’m not my perfect sister who died. [smiling and talking calmly] And that’s the monologue I’m using to audition for the theater program at Connecticut College in New London.

[Everybody clapping]

Gerald: Look, guys, I support the walkout. Just not today.

Pete: Yeah, I gotta agree. Nobody told me this was happening in 4-20. And frankly, I’m double booked.

Lance: I know why Gerald’s sitting. Coz he’s not a snowflake.

Gerald: Oh, no, Lance.

Lance: Yes, Lance. Equal time. I’ll never forget the first time my old man took me hunting. I was such a baby. I wanted to stay home wrapping towel around my waist to play lady restaurant. Instead, he dragged me weeping into the woods and made me stand there in the rain holding an AR-15 until I turned a gopher into red dust. Two years later, when I finally spoke again, I said, “Guns.”

[Mr. H looks shocked]

Mr. H: Lance, would you like to see the counselor?

Lance: Oh, yeah.

[Lance walks out]

Meghan: Gerald, come on. Do you really wanna leave policy up to a bunch of old white guys?

Gerald: No. I don’t even like old people. I don’t think they should be allowed to vote. I mean, I don’t mean to cause trouble but you don’t get to order for the table if you’re about to leave the restaurant.

Kyle: That’s ageist! That really offends me. I work at a home for the elderly. And I go every Tuesday. And I hold their frail hands. And some of them, their skin is paper thin. Their cartilage like firm jelly. And underneath, you can feel their bones.

Gerald: [looking down at his pants] Oh, keep going. The problem’s going away. Okay. We can walk in three, two– Oh! Hi, principal Anderson.

Principal Anderson: Every other classroom is outside. What’s going on in here?

Gerald: Sorry, I had to delay us a little bit.

[Principal Anderson walks to Gerald]

Principal Anderson: Oh, so you’re the trouble maker, huh? You’re the little bad boy. Huh?

Gerald: Oh! It sits back with a vengence.

Principal Anderson: You’re the naughty, naughty, naughty, nasty– Hold on. I got to step on this bug with my stiletto heels.

Gerald: And it took care of itself the other way. Alright, let’s walk out, everybody.

[The End]

Drag Brunch

Gary… Alex Moffat

Aidy Bryant

Pete Davidson

Cecily Strong

Waitress. John Mulaney

[Starts with four friends sitting in a restaurant]

Gary: So wait, hold on. This is a drag brunch?

Aidy: Yes. Yes. The waiters are in drag and they say catty things to you. It’s fun.

Pete: Yeah. And they have bottomless mimosas. What could be better than that?

Cecily: Oh, look. Here comes our waitress.

[A waitress walks in. She is wearing pink uniform.]

Waitress: Good morning, bitches. The good lord named me Tony Pockets and I’ll be your server-ess.

Gary: Hi, Tony.

Pete: This might be more fun than I thought.

Waitress: Might be. And you might the worst lay in the history. At lest according to that bag of lotion and what it said. Okerr? [everyone laughing] And you miss thang, wow! [looking at Cecily] Canel street called and wants that fake ass Chanel purse back immediately.

Cecily: [laughing] OMG, this purse is fake Chanel. See, it says Charnel.

Waitress: Yes, queen. That bag is as fake as my orgasms. Trust! [looking at Aidy] And somebody best keep calling the fire department about this one coz that smoky eye situation has become a stop, drop and roll one.

Aidy: [laughing] She got me.

All: [pointing at Gary] Do him. Do him.

[Waitress leans towards Gary and looks deep into his eyes]

Waitress: You’ve never worked for anything in your life. You’ve had everything handed to you. One thing you haven’t been able to purchase is a personality. And a soul. [leaves Gary ands stands back] Alright bitches, I’m gonna sashy away and grab them mimosas.

[Waitress walks away]

Pete: Guys, this is pretty fun.

Gary: Is it?

Aidy: Oh, Gary, come on. You’re not upset, are you?

Gary: No. It’s just that with you guys she was really superficial. And then with me, she got dark. It was like there was no joy in her eyes.

Pete: Gary. Get over it.

Cecily: Yeah. That is what drag queens do, okay? They throw shade. They read beads. It’s just part of the whole experience.

Gary: Okay, yeah. I’m sorry. Maybe I’m being too sensitive.

Aidy: Oh, here she comes again.

[Waitress walks in with two drinks, one in each of her hands.]

Waitress: I’m back, kitty girls. Oh, sure, damn! There’s four of you and I only brought two. [to Cecily] Well, I made you extra strong coz you’re gonna have to rub front with that thirsty troll. [to Aidy] Also, I called 911 to help out with the tragedy that is that smoky eye situation.

Aidy: She will not let go of my smoky eye.

Pete: Yo, don’t forget about Gary.

[Waitress leans towards Gary and looks deep into his eyes]

Waitress: When was the last time someone smiled coz you walked into a room? I can’t imagine anyone driving joy from seeing such an overprivileged husk of a shallow human being. [leaves Gary ands stands back] Okerr! I’m gonna be back with some menus.

[Waitress walks away. Everyone’s laughing except Gary.]

Gary: What? I don’t get it. I’m a nice guy. People like me. And it has nothing to do with my godfather being Dyson Vacuum guy.

Pete: Oh, Gary. She’s just teasing.

Gary: No. She hates me. Look.

[Cut to Waitress staring at Gary with angry face from far]

[Cut to everyone]

Cecily: Gary, you have to take what she’s saying with a grain of salt.

Gary: It just seems that the grains of salt that she’s giving me are coarser than those being served to you.

Aidy: Oh, Gary. You don’t have a poetic mind. You shouldn’t try to speak in metaphors.

Pete: Yeah, Gary. Just enjoy her sass.

Gary: Oh, my god. Here she comes. I’m not sure how much more I can take. Seriously, I might cry.

Cecily: Already? Okay. But then, that’s it for the day.

[Waitress walks in with the menus]

Waitress: Got you menus you hungry, hungry whores. [Waitress leans towards Gary and looks deep into his eyes] And you. I know you’re used to everything just being handed to you but not today, Gary Watson.

Gary: Wait. How do you know my full name?

Waitress: Don’t you recognize me?

Gary: Um, no.

Waitress: Does this help? [She takes off her wig. Actually he’s a man. He takes off his fake breasts too.] Now?

Gary: No.

Waitress: Okay. What if I do this?

[Waitress takes off his glasses and wipes his lipstick.]

Gary: Milton Saunders?

Milton: Correct. I was your intern over five years ago. You scolded me over a lunch order when I worked for you at Golden Sachs. Well, guess what? I’m a junior VP at Credit Suisse now.

Gary: Wait, then why are you working here?

Milton: My friend owns the restaurant and told me you were coming.

Gary: Wait. So, you got into full drag just to insult me?

Milton: Correct.

Gary: But it must have taken like, two hours to get in all this.

Milton: Four. Contouring takes a while if you’re new to it. Anyway, I accept your apology.

Gary: I didn’t say I was sorry.

Milton: Now, does everyone know what they like to order?

Cecily: Wait. You’re still gonna take our order?

Milton: Yes. The agreement was that I would work a whole shift. So, what you bitches wanna eat?

Gary: Okay. I guess I’ll have the breakfast burrito with the sour cream, one the side, please. Don’t mess it up like five years ago.

Milton: Yes, sir. Immediately sir. Dammit!

Nike Women’s Ad

Heidi Gardner

Melissa Villaseñor

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with video clips of women engaging in physical exercises and sports.]

[music playing]

Female voice: With Nike, women push it to the limit everyday.

[Melissa is practicing boxing on punching bag]

Melissa: Let’ just say, I roll with the punches.

Female voice: Because what you do is who you are.

Heidi: I’m a runner. I run.

Melissa: I’m a fighter. I fight.

[Aidy is sitting on a cough chilling]

Aidy: And I just sit the hell down and chill in these soft pants.

Female: Introducing the new Nike Pro-Chiller Leggings. Designed for endurance but used for what most women actually do in leggings. Setting up shop on their couch.

Kate: Coz let’s get real. Leggings can be pants, pajamas and a napkin.

Female: Nike Pro-Chiller Legging is advance enough to keep up with you wherever you go.

Heidi: The highest peak.

Melissa: The top of the podium.

Aidy: Couch. Bed. Other side of couch. Front door to receive delivery of one single bagel.

Female: With patented moisture wicking technology, 360 degrees of support and 190 degrees of hot lap.

Aidy: Coz I bring the heat. Leggings, blanket, laptop. Couch panini.

Kate: And I’m tired from my nap.

Heidi: I make my own rules.

Melissa: There are no rules.

Aidy: Except for Vanderpump rules. Hell, yeah.

Kate: Women can do anything they want. And I wanna do… Nothing!

Melissa: No fear.

Heidi: No limits.

Aidy: No bra, ever!

Kate: My Fitbit says I’m dead.

Female voice: The new Nike Pro-Chiller Legging.

Melissa: Because I can beat the odds.

Heidi: Because I can cross the finish line.

Aidy: Because I can’t just put my naked butt on the couch.

Medical Breakthrough

Dr. Connolly… Chadwick Boseman

Dr. Karen Price… Aidy Bryant

Sandra Matson… Kate McKinnon

Dave Matson… Mikey Day

Heidi Gardner

Chris Redd

[Starts with Dr. Connolly and Dr. Karen Price at the podium speaking to the press. They’re both wearing aprons.]

Dr. Connolly: Thank you all for being here today. I’m Dr. Connolly, lead researcher for the fertility frontiers project. This is my brilliant supervisor Dr. Karen Price.

Dr. Karen Price: Hello.

Dr. Connolly: Nine months ago, we began working with a couple who had difficulty conceiving. But through a process, we created called ‘Paternal Embryonic Gestation’ and implanted artificial womb. Their dreams of pregnancy have come true. With one small difference. Please welcome Sandra Matson and her husband Dave Matson, history’s first pregnant man.

[Sandra and Dave walk in. Dave has pregnant belly.]

[cheers and applause]

Mr. Matson, you just made history. Any comment?

Dave: Um, yeah. Anybody have olives and peanut butter? I’m having a really weird craving.

[The press laughs.]

In all seriousness, we feel so blessed that life found a way.

Sandra: Um-hmm. Now if we could only find a maternity store with a men’s section.

[everyone laughing]

Dr. Connolly: Now, we’ll open it up for questions. Yes.

Heidi: First, congratulations on this remarkable achievement. Dr. Connolly, how does the man give birth?

Dr. Connolly: Well, the plan has always been a scheduled C-section.

Dave: Two weeks from today.

Dr. Connolly: But the plan has changed.

Dave: It has?

Dr. Connolly: My team and I now believe that due to the fragility of the artificial womb, the baby must be delivered naturally through Mr. Watson’s urethra.

Dave: What?

Dr. Connolly: Who else has a question?

Dave: I do.

Dr. Connolly: Yes, you sir.

Chris: Hello, there. Just to be clear, the baby will come out of this man’s, um, now I’m sure there’s a classy way to say this but I’m going with pee hole?

Dr. Connolly: Yes. The elasticity of the skin and tissue in that area will stretch to accommodate the birth… hopefully.

Dave: Hopefully?

Dr. Karen Price: Yes. Picture a bowling ball going through a twizzler.

Dr. Connolly: With that said, we will be prepared for possible tuliping.

Heidi: I’m sorry, doctor. What is tuliping?

Dr. Karen Price: Oh, I can take this one. Yeah, the best way to describe it is with the Looney Tunes metaphor. So, if you recall when Bugs Bunny would put his finger in Elmer Fudd’s gun barrel? When Mr. Fudd pulled the trigger, the barrel would bush out. Peel back like tulip petals. Hence, tuliping.

Dave: Oh, my god. So, next question. Yes. The woman in the wrinkled skirt.

Cecily: Oh. That detail was unnecessary. Mr.s Madson, will you be present in the delivery room?

Sandra: Not anymore. No.

Dr. Connolly: Yes. The delivery room will be crowded. It will be all hands on the deck and few hands in deck, if you know what I mean.

Dave: No. I don’t know what you mean.

Cecily: And lastly, will Mr. Madson be given the same epidural drugs used on women?

Dr. Connolly: Oh, no.

Dave: Yeah. Stronger?

Dr. Connolly: Unfortunately, no epidural or pain numbing drugs can be used as Mr. Madson will need to push at full strength for the full 24 hour long birth.

Dave: 24? Can’t it go any faster?

Dr. Connolly: Not without significant risk of tuliping.
Dave: Stop saying tuliping. Stop.

Dr. Connolly: Yes, you sir.

Alex: Yes, first off, Mr. Madson, congratulations and I’m so sorry. Now, how long do you anticipate the recovery process will take?

Dave: Um, forever?

Heidi: I can’t believe no one’s asked yet. Boy or girl?

Sandra: It’s a girl. Which is good because we have a lot of girl names we like.

Dr. Connolly: Well, pick your top three because surprise, you’re having triplets. Mr. Madson, any parting words?

Dave: I mean, I’m worried about my penis.

Dr. Connolly: We all are. Thank you.

Magic Mirror

Aidy Bryant

Denice… Melissa Villaseñor

Lauren… Cecily Strong

Leslie Jones

Elsa… Heidi Gardner

Rapunzel… Kate McKinnon

  1. Kelly… Chadwick Boseman

Beck Bennett

[Starts with Aidy seeing off a girl in Disney Land.]

Aidy: Wasn’t that cool? You got Ariel. Well, thanks for stopping by the Magic Mirror. And dream big, little princess. [Aidy approaches other three visitors] Hi, there. Looks like we’ve got some grownup seekers today.

Lauren: Yeah. I know it’s weird but we’re out having fun.

Denice: Yeah. Can’t big girls like Disney princesses too?

Aidy: Of course they can. So, come on over ladies. Let me share with you a secret. Inside every strong beautiful princess, there is a lady. So, to see just who you are, just look in the mirror. So, give it a try.

Denice: Are you sure?

Aidy: Yeah.

Denice: Okay.

[Denice walks to the mirror. There’s Elsa waving her hand from Frozen in the mirror.]

Oh, wow, guys. Look, I got Elsa.

Lauren: Oh, my god. That makes sense. You are total Elsa. You’re so independent. You’re a total ice queen. Let me try.

[Lauren walks to the mirror. There’s Rapunzel in the mirror.]

Oh, look, you guys. I’m Rapunzel.

Leslie: I gotta say, that seems right. You’re adventurous, a little crazy and way too into your hair.

Lauren: Stop. You go.

Leslie: Okay.

[Leslie walks to the mirror. A black man wearing jeans, sleeveless shirt, sunglasses and a bandana appears in the mirror. He is dancing slowly.]

Denice: Oh, wow. Who is that?

Leslie: Damn! I think that’s R. Kelly.

Lauren: Serious? Yeah, I think you’re right. That is R. Kelly. What’s he doing in there?

[R. Kelly is shhing.]

Leslie: Look at him. He’s shhing us. What are you up to, R. Kelly? Why is R. Kelly in there? The last place he needs to be is Disney Land.

Aidy: I don’t think that’s him. I’m pretty sure that’s a character from Mulan.

Leslie: Oh! Which character?

Aidy: I think that’s Shy Greg.

Leslie: Okay, I don’t know who that is. I haven’t seen Mulan in a while but–

[R. Kelly pulls out a bag and starts stuffing it with popcorn.]

Denice: Geez. What’s he doing now?

Lauren: Oh, look at him. Creepy. I mean, wow, he loves stuffing that bag doesn’t he?

Leslie: It is kind of disturbing. Look at him.

  1. Kelly: [singing] I got the popcorn in the bag
    popcorn in the bag, baby

Leslie: What is going on?

  1. Kelly: [singing] I’m in the–

Leslie: In what? I told you. He’s shady! Excuse me. I thought I was supposed to see my personal princess

Aidy: Well, you are. And I honestly don’t know what happens. So, try this. Close your eyes, make a wish for what you want to see.

Leslie: Alright. I wish for a real Disney princess.

[Elsa appears in the mirror. She is waving.]

Oh, my god. I got Elsa. Hi, Elsa.

[R. Kelly walks in the mirror and pushes Elsa away. He has a sandwich.]

Lauren: He’s back and he’s got a sandwich.

  1. Kelly: [singing] I’m in here

Leslie: Yo, what you in? No, I’m sorry. We gotta go. I’m out of here. Lauren, Denice, let’s just get out of here.

[Denice, Lauren and Leslie walk out]

Aidy: Oh, sorry. Who’s next?

[Beck walks in]

Beck: Oh! This thing is cool. [walks to the mirror] Who do I get?

[R. Kelly appears on the mirror again]

Oh! It’s Shy Greg from Mulan. Awesome!

Donald Trump Baltic States Cold Open

Harris Faulkner… Leslie Jones

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Dalia Grybauskaitė… Kate McKinnon

Kersti Kaljulaid… Heidi Gardner

Raimonds Vējonis… Alex Moffat

Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Fox News intro]

[Cut to “Outnumbered” intro]

[Cut to Harris Faulkner in her set]

Harris Faulkner: Hi, I’m Harris Faulkner and you’re watching “Outnumbered.” Outnumbered is the title of the show and also how I feel here at FOX News. We begin today with FOX News alert. Could former president Obama be impeached now despite not being president anymore? One of our professional morons says yes. And we have another FOX News alert. Mexicans! And that was the FOX News alert.

We now go live to the White House where president Donald J. Trump is about to hold a joint press conference with the leaders of the Baltic states.

[Cut to the White House press conference. There are Dalia Grybauskaitė, Kersti Kaljulaid and Raimonds Vējonis standing at their podiums. Donald Trump walks in and to his podium.]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Hello, hi. How’s it going? Let’s make this quick because I have a lot of trade wars to escalate here, okay? That’s why I just announced tariffs on more Chinese products including fireworks and finger traps. We’ve also expelled the infamous Chinese billionaire P.F. Chang. He is done-zo. Today we’ve got the leaders from Baltic states. We’ve to Estonia, Lithuania and and I wanna say Stankonia. The great Baltic nations. Even in the game monopoly, Baltic avenue was always my favorite property. Except for Oriental avenue which you can’t see anymore. Okay? Now, you have to call it China street. Sad. Very sad. And before I turn over to these freak shows here, I’d just like to read a prepared statement to prove that I can read, okay?

Here we go. God, I hate this. [reading] Do not congratulate Putin. Wait! That’s a note to me. Forget about it. Okay. Reading and go! The United States has special relationship with the Baltic nations. God! I wanna riff so bad. We are so proud to honor the centinen-nenen-neneial (centennial) of their independence from Russia. God, this sucks. Because our nations are truly friends. Okay, thank god that’s over.

Please, time to freestyle. First up, a big congratulations to Vladimir Putin. He won a great, great, very transparent victory in the Russian election. Fantastic job, Putin. Even though no one’s ever been tougher on Russia than I am, including Hitler. Okay, that’s it from me. Let’s do the Baltics quick and get out of here. Gypsy woman, you’re first.

Dalia Grybauskaitė: Okay. Thank you so much to president Donald Trump. Welcoming the nation of Lithuania. We have very much in common–

[Zooming to Donald Trump’s face]

Donald Trump thinking: Oh, my god! I’m already so bored. Argh! I wish I was watching Roseanne. How great is that show? Roseanne loves me. She’s like a good Rosie O’Donnell.

Dalia Grybauskaitė: And we want efficient energy. Or as you might say in America, big bang for your buck.

[Donald Trump starts snoring on the mic. He has fallen asleep.]

So, in conclusion–

Donald Trump thinking: Okay, she’s finally done.

Dalia Grybauskaitė: — thank you to president Trump.

Donald Trump thinking: [clapping] Now, whatever you do. Don’t mention her hair. Don’t mention her hair.

Donald Trump: Thank you so much for that great speech. And by the way, your hair is insane. Okay, I think that’s it for you, Zaza. What about you two? Other girl president, Balky from “Perfect Strangers.” I’m just gonna skip them to save some time.

Reporter: Excuse me, Mr. President.

Donald Trump: Oh, my god. There are questions too. What is this? A full work day? Okay. Make it quick.

Reporter: You just denied knowing anything about the Stormy Daniel’s pay out. But if that’s true, doesn’t that make her NDA non binding?

Donald Trump: Oh, that’s a toughie. [to Raimonds Vējonis] Borat, you wanna take that one?

Raimonds Vējonis: Me?

Donald Trump: I don’t know. I think that question was for you.

Reporter: It was not for the president of Latvia.

Donald Trump: Give him a chance. Let him answer.

Raimonds Vējonis: Okay. Well, I am not the strongest English speaker. But we have expression in my country and it translates roughly as, [pointing at Donald Trump] “This man is lying.”

Donald Trump: Okay. That’s enough, Latvia. Next question. And guys, let’s try to keep it fun. These three came all the way from Hufflepuff. So, let’s show them a good time. Yeah, you.

Another Reporter: Mr. President, why do you keep attacking Amazon? Do you really hate Jeff Bezos that much?

Donald Trump: I do. I hate Jeff. Because he’s way richer than me and he admits to being bald. So, I feel threatened on two levels. Next question. Let’s mix it up and do a Baltic report this time please.

Another Reporter: [in Russian accent] Yes, my question is why are you sending the national guard to the Mexican border? Doesn’t that seem, how do you say, pointless?

Donald Trump: Wow! Seriously? You’re gonna come at me like that? Do I come to the shoe that you live in? Slap the potato out of your mouth? Okay? Look, we have to keep our border secure. Mexico is sending caravans full of immigrants towards us. And I’ve seen these caravans. Truck after truck, barreling across the desert. The trucks are covered in metal and spikes. There’s a guy strapped in front just wailing away on a flaming guitar. And there are freaky albino dudes shimming around skinny little potholes.

Dalia Grybauskaitė: Mr. President, I believe you are describing the movie “MadMax Fury Road.”

Donald Trump: That’s right. They are some Mad Max-icans. Okay, one more question. Yeah, you.

Another Reporter: Mr. President, are you worried that your tariffs are ruining our economy and your immigration politics have destroyed American standing in the world?

Donald Trump: No, I’m not. I’m not worried at all. Because here’s the thing that no one else is saying and I’m the only one who is willing to actually say this. I don’t care about America. Okay? This whole presidency is a four year cash grab and admitting that will probably give me four more years. But I do not care about any of you. Okay? Basically, that answers all of your questions, okay? does it?

[The reporters all agree]

[Now, there’s someone in rabbit costume behind Donald Trump]

Okay. And one more thing, does anyone else see this rabbit? Okay? I’m not the only one who sees that rabbit, right? It’s wearing glasses. Is that real? [looks at the rabbit] Okay. I think this might be a Donnie Darko situation. Fantastic movie by the way. Love Jake Gyllenhaal. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Aidy B & Cardi B

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

Chris Redd

Chadwick Boseman

Kenan Thompson

Mikey Day

Cardi B

[Starts with Aidy, Kate and Cecily talking in SNL office]

Kate: Oh, my god. I can’t stop listening to Cardi B’s new album.

Cecily: Yes. It’s so good. I’m so excited she’s here.

Aidy: I’m obsessed.

Cecily: I love how assertive and bold she is. She just like, says whatever she’s thinking.

Aidy: I know. And I think I need to be more like Cardi B.

[Kyle and Beck walk in]

Kyle: Hey, what are you girls doing? Having girl time?

Beck: Yes. Should we come back?

Aidy: What did you say?

Beck: Oh, we just don’t want to interrupt your girl time.

Aidy: [speaking like Cardi B] Oh, well, why don’t you shut your hoe ass up? I’m sick of you hating ass hoes always got something slick to say. Just remember I’m a boss and you a worker you goofy bitch!

Kate: Aidy?

Aidy: Ah! Nah, hoe. [to Kyle and Beck] You need to watch your mouth. I’m from The Bronx. I don’t play that [bleep]. [to Kate and Cecily] Come on. [the girls walk out]

Kyle: Is Aidy actually from The Bronx?

Beck: She’s from North Central Phoenix.

[Cardi B music playing]

[Cut to Aidy with Chris in costume room]

Chris: Hey, you talked to Chadwick yet? He’s super cool.

Aidy: No. I’m weirdly nervous to meet him.

Chris: Why?

Aidy: Coz he’s the Black Panther and I loved the movie and he is very cool and I am very lame.

Chris: You are not lame. Come on

[Chadwick Boseman walks in]

Chadwick: What’s up, Chris?

Chris: What’s up? How do you feel? You good? You know Aidy Bryant, right?

Chadwick: Of course. Oh, my god. I’m a big fan of your’s.

Aidy: [talking like Cardi B] Yeah. I’m not afraid of you bitch.

Chadwick: What’s that?

Aidy: What? Errr! Ooh! Actually, I’m sure you’re used to all these other little bitches being afraid of you but I am not scared, okay? I’m a rider or die, bitch. You see that rock? [showing her engagement ring] Yeah, that actually means I give Conor that very good puddy, okay? I can picture so good that I be screaming my own name during sex. Oh, prrrr.

[Aidy walks out. Chadwick and Chris look at each other all confused.]

Chadwick: That’s how you let white girls talk to you around here?

Chris: Only Aidy B. I’m not proud of that.

[Cardi B music playing]

[Cut to Aidy on the table trying to do the sexy dance like Cardi B. The staffs are looking at her.]

Kenan: Dude, what the hell is going on with Aidy?

Mikey: I think she’s empowered.

[Cardi B music playing]

[Cut to Aidy walking out. A woman walks to her.]

Woman: Hey, Aidy. Could you do a quick shoutout for SNL’s instagram?

Aidy: Oh, yeah. Of course. [The woman hands over a phone to Aidy.] Okay, so what should I say?

Woman: Say something to the fans.

Aidy: Okay. [Aidy starts taking selfie video. She’s speaking like Cardi B.] Ah! Stop asking me about the show. The cast sucks, the writers are stupid, I [bleep] them all, they were boring. So, live from The Bronx, y’all can shut the [bleep] up.

[talking normally again] And then I– I’m sorry. Do I hit the send?

Woman: [shocked] Yeah. That was good.

Aidy: Yay!

[Cardi B music playing]

[Cut to Aidy in Cardi B’s changing room]

Aidy: Cardi, your music has changed my life. You’ve honestly inspired me to just say what’s on my mind. So, thank you.

Cardi B: You know, I do it for my fans.

Aidy: And I am a fan. But maybe also your best friend. We’re pretty much the same.

Cardi B: Um, can you please get me some water? [speaking softly] I’ma a little worried.

Aidy: Oh, sure. Unless you want me to stay.

Cardi B: No.

Aidy: I have a lot of very short songs that I’ve written.

Cardi B: No.

Aidy: [singing] Subs are good but I prefer pizza, honey.

Cardi B: Okay. Just go.

Aidy: Okay. But before I go, [showing her high heels] these is bloody shoes, coz they’re giving me the worst days of my life.

Cardi B: Just get the [bleep] out of here.

Aidy: Call me.

Cardi B: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Aidy walks out]

Aidy: Aidy B and Cardi B, best friends.