Tag: Aidy Bryant

Daytime Show

Deirdre… Aidy Bryant

Cookie… Ego Nwodim

Clyde… Daniel Craig

Heidi Gardner

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with “The Deirdre Show” intro]

[Cut to Deirdre]

Deirdre: Welcome back to “The Deidre Show.” My guest co-host today is a legendary diva of song. She’s got dozens of hit records like, “Oh, that man,” and “Let me tell you ’bout Christmas.” And she is back in the news because she hit a train with a car. Please welcome Cookie La Flute.

[Cookie walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Cookie: Hello, Deirdre.

Deirdre: Oh, Cookie, we are so glad to have you back. Isn’t that right, audience?

[Cut to the audience]

Kenan: Yes.

Heidi: We love you, Cookie.

Kenan: Go, Cookie.

[Cut to the set]

Cookie: Oh, thank you. You know, it’s like I always say, “Where am I, who are you, the pleasure’s all your’s.”

Deirdre: Wonderful. Well, as you know, this week is finger week on our show. And today, we’re gonna make some finger food. Sound good, Cookie?

Cookie: Oh, I’m starving. Let’s get to it.

Deirdre: Okay. Well, joining us today is a celebrity chef from London who’s gonna teach us how to make American appetizers. So, please welcome Chef Clyde.

[Chef Clyde is ready on his cooking table]

[cheers and applause]

Clyde: Hello. Hello.

[Deirdre and Cookie walk to Clyde]

Cookie: Hello.

Clyde: I hope you’re hungry, but only a little coz today it’s all about hors d’oeuvres.

Cookie: Okay, now. That is French.

Deirdre: Yes, for hors d’oeuvres.

Clyde: That’s right. I’ve got tons of them in my new cookbook, “The Hungry Divorcee.” Now, we’re starting off with one of my favorites which is these little mini quiche here.

[Clyde gives them a tray of quiches.]

Deirdre: Okay. These are so cute. Thank you.

Cookie: Ooh, I’ma eat this in one bite.

Clyde: Well, don’t eat the foil.

Cookie: [thinks for long] What?

Clyde: The aluminum foil on the– It just– Just don’t eat the foil. That’s–

Cookie: I don’t wanna eat the foil.

Clyde: Alright. That’s gonna make you choke.

Cookie: Don’t eat the foil? Who is this man?

Clyde: Ha-ha. So, the next thing I wanna talk about is guacamole.

Cookie: Look at this man. Look at this man. “Don’t eat the foil.” Are you all seeing this over here?

[Cut to the audience]

Heidi: Yeah Cookie, we see it.

Kenan: Get him, Cookie.

[Cut to the set]

Clyde: You know what Ms. La Flute, I’m sorry about the foil. I feel like we got off on the wrong foot. I just didn’t want you to scratch your mouth, you know? You need it for singing, don’t you?

Cookie: I don’t eat foil. I don’t eat foil.

Deirdre: Okay, Chef Clyde, how about we slide on down to the next food?

Clyde: Yes. Cookie, I think you’re gonna love my pigs in a blanket.

Cookie: You know, I love pigs. And you know, I love me some blankets.

Clyde: Okay, great. So, that’s so easy to throw together–

Cookie: You know, I can’t get over this foil thing.

Clyde: Well, Cookie, I mean, you like mustard–

Cookie: “Don’t eat the foil.” Legends don’t eat foil, boo. What do I look like? Huh? What do I look like? Y’all, do I look like Bobo the Clown?

[Cut to the audience]

Heidi: No, Cookie, you look hot.

Kenan: Kill him!

Deirdre: Okay. Chef Clyde, how about another food?

Clyde: Oh, good idea. Good idea. So, if you like eggs at room temperature, you’re gonna love these. Deviled eggs.

Deirdre: Oh, Cookie, let’s try one.

Cookie: Okay, sure. But sir, aren’t you scared?

Clyde: Scared of what?

Cookie: Aren’t you scared that I’m gonna eat the spoon? Tell me not to eat the spoon as if I’m not a famous singer. Pissing me off!

Clyde: I don’t think you’re gonna eat the spoon.

Cookie: You know your little foods. I’ve been famous for over 25 years. I eat big foods.

Clyde: I’m sure you eat very big foods.

Cookie: You know, once a year in November, I cook a big turkey and I invite over people I love have some. That’s how good I can sing.

Deirdre: And that sounds like Thanksgiving.

Clyde: Okay, well, before my time runs out, I just want to shout out to–

Cookie: You know, don’t nobody want your foil, okay? Tiny man with tiny food who can’t even sing. Give your guests a steak, you queer!

Deirdre: Oh! No, Cookie, no.

Cookie: I can say it. Please, I can say it. My husband is gay.

Deirdre: Okay. Okay. We’re gonna have to wrap this up. Audience, did we lose you?

[Cut to the audience]

Heidi: Absolutely not.

Kenan: We love this.

Cookie: You know what? I wanna get the whole taste of this thing out of my mouth. [Clyde pulls out a gum] All your food looks disgusting.

[Clyde eats a whole stick of gum with the foil paper.]

Clyde: Oh, you–

Deirdre: Did you–

Cookie: Why y’all looking at me like that? It’s just a gum. You know, shiny, tastes like coins, sparks when you chew it.

Deirdre: Okay, well that’s our show. Bye-bye.

Accent Coach

Bowen Yang

Daniel Craig

Ryan Johnson… Mikey Day

Margie… Ego Nwodim

Pam… Aidy Bryant

Frankie… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Bowen informing Daniel Craig’s arrival to the directors.]

Bowen: Excuse me, Mr. Johnson. Daniel Craig is here for his session.

Ryan: Terrific. Send him in.

Bowen: Daniel, are you ready?

[Daniel Craig walks in]

Daniel: Alright, thank you so much. Hi, guys. How’s it going?

Ryan: There he is, the future detective Benoit Blank. You remember Margie and Pam. Our casting directors.

Daniel: Hi, how are you?

Pam: Hey, Daniel. We are so happy your’e joining the Knives Out family.

Margie: Yeah. We really scored with this whole cast.

Daniel: Yeah. I just can’t wait to start shooting.

Ryan: Great! Well, today we want to just focus on developing your character.

Pam: Yeah. Now, as you know, Detective Blank is a genteel souther sleuth. So, if possible, we’d like you to do a southern accent.

Daniel: Yeah. No problem. I’ve been recently working with this great accent coach. So, if it’s cool, can I bring him in real quick? [the directors nod their heads yes] Hey, Frankie. Let’s go. Come on, let’s go.

[Frankie walks in]

Frankie: Knock, knock. Ha-ha. Hello. I’m Franklin Huse. Daniel’s accent coach. I have to say, you are so lucky to be working with Dan. He’s a real pro.

Daniel: Oh, come on! You wanna talk about pro? Frankie here is a magician with dialects and accents.

Frankie: Sir, I blush. So, what are we cooking today again?

Ryan: Um, yeah. We just want Dan here to do a southern accent.

Frankie: Ah! My specialty. I’m a master of souther dialects. Is there a certain province you have in mind?

Margie: I guess we default to you.

Pam: Yeah. Whatever you think is in Dan’s range.

Frankie: Hmm… Well, why don’t we start with Ozarks of Arkansas? A banjo tinkies in the distance. As our study gentleman detective calls out- [speaking in loud, funny southern accent] “Hrrrr-boy! The moon churns are burning over. So, I’m about to go and eat a pig’s food and shoot my sister with a gun. Durr-durr.” Something like that maybe is what you’re looking for? That could be fun.

Ryan: Um, no. I think we want something maybe a little more shuttle.

Margie: Yeah. I mean, my husband’s from Arkansas and he doesn’t talk like that.

Frankie: Ah! Okay. Well, why don’t we take a little trip down to… [speaking in loud, funny southern accent] Alabama? [speaking in loud, funny southern accent] “Oh, they got some good turtles down there. Whoo, lord! You better get me a fan because this is hot. My butt is hot. Oh, lord! My butt is hot.” Does that work for you, Dan?

Daniel: Oh, yes. I think I like that. He can be like, [speaking in loud, funny southern accent] “Oh, lord. The big one [unintelligible] is so damn hot.”

Frankie: Dan, yes. That’s incredible. Yes, yes.

Daniel: Yes. What do you think, Ryan? Should we go with that?

Ryan: No. Um, yeah. I don’t think so.

Pam: Yeah. I’m sorry. Mr. Huse, where did you say you were from?

Frankie: Maryland.

Margie: And have you ever been to the south?

Frankie: No. But I have studied the region. Mainly through cartoons, Yosemite Sam, Fog Horn Leg Horn.

Ryan: Yeah. I’m sorry Mr. Huse, I think we’d just rather work with someone a little more knowledgeable.

Daniel: Oh, come on, Ryan. Cone on, you just give him a chance. Maybe, you know, we just haven’t found it yet.

Frankie: Yes. Like, maybe he’s a detective from [speaking in loud, funny southern accent] Georgia where their butt is so hot. “Boy my [unintelligible] big old butt is wet and hot.”

Daniel: I really like that one. Could you teach me that? Is that something you can do?

Frankie: Oh, yes. So, what you have to do is open your jaw and have a real loose like this here. Open it up with this exercise. [Frankie starts moving his jaw and making noise. Daniel is trying to copy him.]

Daniel: [moving his jaw] My butt is so hot.

Pam: Okay. I’m sorry. What’s with all of this hot butt talk?

Frankie: Well, that’s what they sound like. Remember, it’s very hot in in the south.

Daniel: Yeah. Everybody’s butt is hot in the south.

Frankie: I mean, my butt gets hot up north. Just imagine hot it would be down south.

Daniel: You’d steam your jeans.

Frankie: Exactly, Daniel.

Ryan: Um, let’s just read some lines and let Daniel find the voice himself.

Margie: And Frank, would you mind reading for Marta, the South American nurse?

Frankie: Oh, I see. She’s from the south, in America. Got it.

Ryan: Alright. Let’s do this. And action.

Daniel: [reading the script] Now, with much analysis of the facts, I’ve come to the conclusion as the perpetrator of this murder.

Frankie: [screaming funnily with accent] Well, now I say Mr. Blank. I don’t know damn dead about what happened to that man that died. [stops the accent] And I’m sorry. What does it say here?

Daniel: That’s says, “Marta pukes.”

Frankie: Okay. [while making puking sound, Frankie literally pukes.]

Pam: Oh, my god.

Margie: Jesus Christ!

Ryan: Come on, dude!

Frankie: What? It says in the script, Marta pukes.

Ryan: You can just puke on command?

Frankie: Of course, I can. I’m an actor. Daniel, can’t you?

Daniel: Yes, of course. [Daniel pukes too]

Margie: Oh, damn!

Pam: Come on, guys.

Ryan: How are you doing that?

Daniel and Frankie: Come on, we’re actors!

Uncle Meme

Heidi Gardner

Ron… John Mulaney

Emily… Chloe Fineman

Tyler… Pete Davidson

Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

Chris Redd

[Starts with seven people celebrating in their house.]

Heidi: Anyway, to our baby girl Emily accepted at Stanford Business School.

Ron: Congratulations, sweetie.

All: Congratulations.

Emily: Aw, thanks everybody. It’s so nice to have family here.

Ron: [sigh] That’s great. So, Tyler, what about you? You enjoying college?

Tyler: Oh, yeah, uncle Ron. I’m loving it.

Ron: Oh, that’s nice. They have computers there, yeah?

Tyler: At college? Yeah, yeah, they do.

Ron: And did you do anything else?

Tyler: I don’t know, uncle Ron. I mean I write papers.

Beck: Ron, you alright?

Ron: I’m talking to your son. You write papers? That’s it?

Tyler: Yeah. That’s it.

Ron: You’re so slick, huh? You’re a liar!

Beck: What?

Ron: Excuse me?

Aidy: Ron, is everything okay?

Ron: No. It’s actually not okay. He meme’d me.

Beck: I’m sorry. Meme’d you?

Ron: Yeah, that’s right. My punk nephew Tyler made into a meme. I’m a meme now. And I don’t like it one bit.

Emily: Dad, come on. There’s no way.

Beck: Yeah. I’m sure this is just a misunderstanding.

Ron: Oh, really? Take a look at this. [Ron walks to his TV] Look at my facebook profile pic. [He shows his profile pic] Perfectly normal handsome picture of me right at work, right? Now, look at the front page of reddit.com. “When she wanna smash but the pee-pee too small.” What the hell is this?

Ron: Oh, wow!

Chris: Damn!

Aidy: My goodness.

Heidi: What in the world?

Ron: I know. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I mean is it supposed to be funny? Coz it’s not.

Emily: No, it’s sick.

Chris: It’s kind of funny though.

Ron: And it’s not even true. I smash. I have a kid, dammit!

Aidy: Tyler, is he right? Did you meme your uncle?

Tyler: Look, it just got out of hand. I just made one meme for fun and then–

Ron: Fun? Is this fun to you? This next one was tweeted by rapper Ice-T. And he said it was too true. [changes the meme] “When y’all kissing and she say ‘That’ll be $Ron00.'” I mean hey, hey, that sucks for me. You get that, right? [changes the meme] “When your girl pregnant and you ain’t even had sex.” Again, I have a daughter. Lies. [changes the meme] “When you tip the cam girl for Heidi0k and she block you.” What?

Aidy: Now, I don’t even get that.

Chris: It do be like that sometimes.

Aidy: Well, this is awful. This is not what Melania meant when she said, “Be best.”

Ron: The internet dubbed me the white collar virgin. I don’t know why. I mean, look at this. There’s thousands. [showing a list of his memes]

Tyler: Uncle Ron, I’m so sorry. I would never describe you that way.

Ron: Sorry? This is ruining my life. Do you get that? You do get that, right? This is endless. And they’re getting more creative. “I guess heaven needed a bitch.” So, I passed away in this one? [changes the meme. His picture is edited like he’s Joker.] “Wanna know how I got these tiny-ass balls?” It’s not funny. It’s depraved. [changes the meme] “When green book on HBO.” Dammit, at least this makes sense. That is how I feel when green book on HBO.

Aidy: Ron, this is a nightmare and we apologize on behalf of our son.

Beck: Tyler, make this right.

Tyler: Look, I never should have started the meme but I promise you, the one I did was just silly. It wasn’t meant to be like, hurtful.

Beck: Thank you. See? Just some gentle raving that got out of hand.

Ron: Oh, interesting. Coz I tracked Tyler’s reddit username and his first post was this. [changes the meme] “That feeling when you a pedophile.”

All: Tyler?

Tyler: That moment when your uncle finds the pedophile meme you made of him. [Tyler makes a silly face]

The Admiral

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Admiral… Beck Bennett

Julian… John Mulaney

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: And now we return to 1955’s “Say, Those Two Don’t Seem To Like Each Other.”

[Cut to Kate and Aidy grooming themselves in their house. It’s an old black and white video.]

Kate: Sister, you’re looking lovely in our dead mother’s pearl.

Aidy: Umm, and you’re looking lovely in our dead father’s pearls. Well, today is the day the admirals are coming to pick a wife.

Kate: Yeah. He’s never taken a wife before or even a single girlfriend.

Aidy: Yes. He’ll choose between us sisters.

Kate: Right. Whoever he finds the most sexually gorgeous.

Aidy: Hmm. Well sister, your hair is quite a mess. Why don’t you put on this hat? [giving hare a huge heavy anvil.]

Kate: Well, that’s an anvil.

Aidy: Oh, so it is. I thought it was a beret.

Kate: Um, sister, why don’t you sign your birthday card?

[Kate passes Aidy a card]

Aidy: Oh, well this is a suicide note.

Kate: Oh. Silly me. I thought you were turning ninety.

Aidy: [laughing] Sister, you’re looking chilly. Why don’t you put on this scarf? [Aidy passes Kate a big snake.]

Kate: That’s a boa constrictor.

Aidy: Oh! So it is. I thought it was a pashmina.

Kate: Sister, your breath. It’s half garbage here. Why don’t you pop this little mint?

[Kate passes Aidy a bomb]

Aidy: Oh! Well, that’s an actual bomb.

Kate: Oh, I wonder who du-du-du-du.

[door bell ringing]

Kate and Aidy: The admiral.

[Admiral walks in. He’s wearing his uniform.]

Admiral: Hm, hello ladies.

Kate: Um, yes, hello, Admiral. Now, which of us will be the object of your attraction?

Admiral: Hm, wow, what great options. This is going to be so hard.

[Julian walks in. He is wearing a sailor uniform.]

Julian: Oh, sisters. I’m back from war.

Admiral: Hello, sailor.

Aidy: Brother, you’re interrupting.

Kate: We’re seducing this man.

Julian: Oh, sisters. I ran all the way here from the pacific theater. I’m awful sweaty.

Admiral: [looking excited] How do you do?

Kate: Okay. Admiral, we’re sorry for the wretched intrusion from my pesky baby brother, Julina.

Aidy: Yes. But he wasn’t an admiral. He wasn’t an admiral like you. He was just a petty officer.

Julian: No, no. I got promoted.

Kate: Oh, really? To what?

Julian: Pass around party bottoms.

Admiral: Ha-da-du-da-daa!

Kate: [whispering to Aidy] Sister, I think the admiral is feeling something about Julian.

Aidy: Yes. I’m clocking it.

Julian: My! I’ve grown so much since the last time I was here. Let me measure myself against this wall. [Julian measures his height on the wall] I’m taller than I was here and here and even here. It looks like I got taller but I’m down for anything.

Admiral: No, boy!

Kate and Aidy: No, no, no, no, no, no.

Aidy: Admiral, we weren’t expecting our foppish brother today. Would you mind giving us a moment alone?

Admiral: Good idea.

[Admiral walks out.]

Aidy: [whispering to Kate] Sister, this is a disaster.

Kate: I know. When did our pesky little brother get gay hot?

Aidy: Well, he’s taking the admiral’s attention.

Kate: We need him to lust after us.

Aidy: Somehow, we have to make Julian less distracting.

Kate: Right. Right. I know. [calling out] Oh, Julian.

[Julian is eating a sausage]

Julian: Yes?

Kate: God! Put that down.

Aidy: Julian, um, bad news. The admiral says that you’re annoying.

Kate: Very annoying.

Julian: Oh, no! I don’t wanted admiral to think I’m annoying. I’ll just turn around and face the wall and hell forget that I’m here.

[Julian faces the wall bending over.]

Kate and Aidy: No, no, no, no, no, no.

Kate: That’s so annoying to look at.

Aidy: So annoying.

Julian: I know. I’ll hide myself behind the couch. Here, I’ll move it against the wall first. [while pushing the couch, he’s moaning.]

Kate: Oh, god! That’s annoying.

Aidy: Yes. That’s a nuisance for the admiral.

Julian: It’s so heavy. I’ll push down on it to help. [moaning] Take that. Yeah!

Aidy: Oh, holy hell.

Kate: No, I think I found that annoying.

Aidy: I know. I mean I’m basically half there.

Kate: Argh, we’ll never win.

Aidy: Okay, then what do we do? We’ll have to shoot him.

[Kate pulls out a tommy gun]

Kate: Yes. You’re right.

[Kate shoots at Julian. But the bullets only tears Julian’s clothes away.]

Kate and Aidy: No!

Kate: It’s a vest and shorts.

Aidy: That’s even cuter.

Kate: Oh! Calm sister. The admiral hasn’t picked yet!

Aidy: Yes, you’re right. It could definitely still be us.

[Admiral walks in]

All: The admiral.

Kate: Who will he choose?

Admiral: [pointing at Julian] The twink!

What I Did For Trump

Sarah Palin… Tina Fey

Sarah Huckabee Sanders… Aidy Bryant

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Michael Wolff… Fred Armisen

Stormy Daniels… Cecily Strong

Rex Tillerson… John Goodman

Omarosa Manigault… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Sarah Palin in the White House.]

Sarah Palin: Hello, it’s me. [cheers and applause] It’s me, the ghost of Sarah Palin. No, I’m just kidding. I’m still alive. But you had to think about it, didn’t you? Here is a refresher. I was the first female on a republican presidential ticket and now I get paid to tweet for Bass Pro Shops. Take it from me, politics is a wild ride. One minute you’re on top and then you’re gone in a blink of a Scaramucci. Well, I have a message for all the people in the Trump White House. Enjoy your moment. Who knows how long it will last?

[music playing]

[singing] Kiss today goodbye
the sweetness and the sorrow
wish me luck the same to you

[Sarah Huckabee Sanders walks in]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Oh, hi, Sarah.

Sarah Palin: Oh, hey, Sarah.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Well, isn’t it funny that our names are both Sarah, when we’re both classic Beckies?

Sarah Palin: Oh! You’re doing good though. You’ve lasted longer in the White House than most.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Oh, I know. But all my friends are gone. You know. It’s like saved by the bell the new class and I’m screeching, I’m just still there for some reason.

Sarah Palin: Sarah, what if today was the last day you were working for Trump?

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Hmm…

[singing] Kiss White House goodbye
and point me towards FOX News
I did what he said to do
and I might regret what I did for Trump
what I fed for Trump

[Kellyanne Conway floats down from the above]

Kellyanne Conway: [singing] What, I am my regard
and as we travel on
and we’ll always remember, okay?

[Michael Wolff walks in]

Sarah Palin: Aww.

Michael Wolff: Sarah, how are ya?

Sarah Palin: Hey, Michael Wolff. You were everywhere after you wrote that book “Fire & Fury.” Then you kind of disappeared, didn’t ya?

Michael Wolff: Well, I’m gonna be back because I’m writing a book about Jared and Ivanka. Did you know they’er actually the same person? That’s why you never see them together.

Sarah Palin: Is it true?

Michael Wolff: Yeah, sure, whatever.

[singing] I won’t say I lied
all of a sudden we care about facts
but juke was mine to borrow
oh, come on, you love it
I did what I had to do
won’t regret, you’ll forget,
what I did for Trump

Sarah Palin: Miss Stormy Daniels, everybody.

[Two men carry Stormy Daniels by her arms and brings her in]

Stormy Daniels: [singing] Gone, they wish I were gone
as time travels on
I will be remembered

You can check out my ted-talk on sex value politics. Or catch me on my star sprinkled boner to earth this weekend at “Squeeze and Splat Pals.”

[Rex Tillerson walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Rex Tillerson: Howdy, y’all?

Sarah Palin: Aw, Rex Tillerson. You were fired months ago. You look great!

Rex Tillerson: Oh, yeah. Being fired by Trump was the best thing that ever happened to me. I’m the only man ever to go into a situation on scaith and come out unscaith. Trump was the biggest mess I’ve ever dealt with and I work for Exxon Mobil.

[singing] Kiss today goodbye
and point me toward tomorrow

Sarah Palin: Point him towards tomorrow

Rex Tillerson: You do what you have to do
don’t forget, I regret
what I did for Trump

Stormy Daniels: What I did with Trump

Sarah Palin: I would work for Trump.

Oh, hi, Omarosa.

[Omarosa Manigault walks in]

Omarosa Manigault: Look, Trump thinks he fired me but I fired myself.

[singing] Kiss my ass goodbye
and point me towards a book deal

All: We did what we had to do
won’t forget, can’t regret
what I did for Trump
what I did for Trump

Sarah Palin: Nothing wrong with doing dancing with the stars. Just don’t do a quick step on the first week. It’s too darn hard.

All: What I did for Trump

Royal Wedding

Prince Harry… Mikey Day

DeShawn… Chris Redd

Kate Middleton… Cecily Strong

Prince Charles… Beck Bennett

Queen Elizabeth… Kate McKinnon

Meghan’s uncle… Kenan Thompson

Prince William… Alex Moffat

Amber… Heidi Gardner

Sefdevin… Tina Fey

Russell Brand… Pete Davidson

Elton John… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Prince Harry making video at Royal Wedding Reception at Frogmore House]

Prince Harry: What’s up? It’s your boy, Harry Windsor, a.k.a., grown sleezely. Yeah. Official wedding video, 2018. It’s 2 AM, royal reception still going strong. Meghan’s out in the hallway trying to stop some of her white relatives from getting in coz they’re mental. But let’s see who’s hanging out. Right? Everybody’s here. Right?

[Prince Harry walks to 2]

What about you? What’s your name?

DeShawn: DeShawn.  I’m from Meghan’s side of family.

Prince Harry: Alright. I kind of figured that, right? How are you feeling tonight?

DeShawn: Um, outnumbered but good, man.

Prince Harry: Yeah.

[3 walks pass]

Oh, sis-in-law, Kate Middleton, right? You look a little tipsy, Kate.

Kate Middleton: Well, yeah. You know, for the past six years, I’ve been like, pregnant the whole time. So, I’m going hard tonight.

Prince Harry: Yeah. I can tell. I can tell. How much have you had to drink?

Kate Middleton: One glass of champagne, whoooo!

Prince Harry: Lightweight, lightweight. [turns around and sees his father] Oh, there he is. My dad, Prince Charles himself. So, pop, you proud of your youngest son?

Prince Charles: Yes.

Prince Harry: Anything else you’d like to say?

Prince Charles: No.

Prince Harry: Okay, then. Alright. Um, look at this combo here. Meghan’s great uncle talking to my grandmom, the queen of England. [They are sitting at the dining table]

Uncle: [he is drunk] Ay! Harry, man, I was just telling her majesty here that she has got to start watching “The Crown” because they make her look like a bitch on that show. Girl, they’re doing you dirty.

Queen Elizabeth: See, this gentleman has also said that I must visit Philadelphia.

Uncle: Yes! You got to visit Philly, man, and get some real food. Some Philly food.

Prince Harry: Alright. Little drunk. Good luck with that. Oh, now, get a shot of my brother William, the party animal right here.

[Prince William is drinking tea.]

He looks 50 years old.

Prince William: Oh! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Prince Harry: Hey, how you doing? Chilling alone? Right? Right? What are you drinking, mate?

Prince William: Virgin Hot Toddy.

Prince Harry: So, a tea then. So sorry to hear that your hair could not make it.

Prince William: Oh, ha-ha-ha-ha. Brilliant! What a brilliant boy.

Prince Harry: Come on, dance, mate.

Prince William: No. I’m okay.

Prince Harry: Wills, come on. It’s my reception.

Prince William: Well, I suppose I could pass a few.

Prince Harry: There you go.

[Prince William and Prince Harry dance for the camera for some time.]

There you go.

Prince William: Oh, no. Grand mom just saw that. Bullocks!

[Queen Elizabeth is staring furiously at them]

Prince Harry: It’s alright. It’s my fault. Grandma, my fault.

Prince William: Apologize to grand mom.

Prince Harry: Enough family. Let’s go this way. Let’s go see the sheep sheets. We’ll say hi to the rando table. Every wedding’s got one. It’s the people who show up even though you didn’t think they would. Right? So, we’re gonna go say hi. It’s the polite thing to do. So, follow me. [Prince Harry walks through the door] Come on. Here we go. [walks to guests at the table] Alright, hello. How are you?

Amber: Hi.

Prince Harry: How are you doing? You friend of Meghan?

Amber: Yeah. I’m Amber. I worked with Meghan on “Deal or No Deal.” We were briefcase. We were briefcase girls together. I brought my briefcase. [she shows a briefcase to Prince Harry]

Prince Harry: You did. She brought the briefcase. Alright, that’s not sad at all. That’s very cool. I love it. [Prince Harry walks to another guest] Oh, let me guess, you’re from the groom side.

Sefdevin: Yes. I’m Dr. Sefdevin Pon Comp. Your father’s uncle once removed, married my mom who is his cousin. So, I am both your aunt and your niece.

Prince Harry: Lovely.

Sefdevin: Last I saw you, you were we wee boy. it was after polo match in comp.

Prince Harry: Alright, stop saying comp.

Sefdevin: And I was kicked in the face by a horse.

Prince Harry: Oh, yeah. Aunty Creepy. Oh, my lord. Dad used to say if we were bad, we’d have to come live with you.

Sefdevin: Ha-ha-ha. Right, he was because I’m the monster and bit of a paedophile.

Prince Harry: Okay. Wish you well here. Thank you for coming. Here’s your hat. That’s concerning. Alright, let’s go to the celebrity table. Russell Brand!

Russell Brand: Yeah!

Prince Harry: Alright. That’s all. And oh, sir Elton John. Yeah!

Elton John: [singing] Hold me closer, tight,
coz we’re here

Prince Harry: Yeah. Very clever. Yeah. You enjoying yourselves?

Elton John: Look at my jacket, Harry. What do you think? I’m having a wonderful Saturday! [singing]

Prince Harry: Singing the heat. Alright. Oh, he’s an American celebrity, miss Leslie Jones.

[Prince Harry walks to Leslie Jones.]

Yeah? Thank you. Leslie, tell everyone why you’re here.

Leslie Jones: Yeah. So, I started tweeting about the wedding 2 days ago. And then I got invited. Just like the olympics. That’s my thing. I might be at that North Korean meeting. We’ll see. Where Oprah at? Oh, there she goes. [yelling] Oprah!

[Leslie Jones walks away]

Prince Harry: Okay. This is wild. Oh-oh! Look what’s going on over there. Aunt Creepy! [His aunt is kissing DeShawn] Alright, watch out. She is a paedophile. Alright, I need to stop DeShawn from making the worst mistake of his life. Royal 2018. Prince Harry Markle, signing off, right? Yeah!

Morning Joe

Joe Scarborough… Alex Moffat

Mika Brzezinski… Kate McKinnon

Willie Geist… Mikey Day

Meghan McCain… Aidy Bryant

Natalia Veselnitskaya… Tina Fey

[Starts with “Morning Joe” intro.]

[song playing]

[Cut to Joe and Mika. Mika is drinking a smoothie.]

Joe: Yeah, good morning.

Mika: Good morning.

Joe: Oh, that’s an original song by guess who?

Mika: Oh, who?

Joe: Mua, Joe Scarborough.

Mika: Oh, my god.

Joe: Ha-ha. It’s called “World of Insanity.” Mika loves it.

Mika: Everyone already knows this but Joe has a band.

Joe: Yeah. That’s right. We’re called Scarborough. Pretty sick. We play that at “Prohibition” on Friday. The audience was just packed with MSNBC interns. Welcome to “Morning Joe.” It’s like crossfire that took place in the cafe car of an amtrak. I’m Joe, that’s Mika.

Mika: And joining us as always is Norman Rockwell painting come to life, Willie Geist.

Willie: Good morning, guys.

Joe: Alright. We got a great show. Mika has added two new exasperated groans to her repertoire.

Mika: Oh! Stop that!

Joe: Seriously. Watch this.

Mika: Don’t! Don’t do it.

Joe: Devin Nunes says that publicly naming members of the FBI is a patriotic act.

Mika: Ghaah!

Joe: Ooh, ha-ha. I love that one. Very nice, Mika. Very nice.

Mika: I cannot.

Joe: Okay, here we go. Trump said anyone who didn’t vote for Gina Haspel for the CIA is not a feminist like he is.

Mika: [squeaky voice] Oooh!

Joe: Oh, ha-ha-ha. This tea kettle’s about to blow, baby.

Mika: And the level of hypocrisy–

Joe: Off she goes.

Mika: — is unparalled on this or any other time. And I can’t. And I [squeaky voice] aaaah!

Joe: Hey, she’s got a third ground but that’s only for daddy. Ain’t it?

Mika: Would you stop? [Joe and Mika look into each other’s eyes intimately] You’re horrible.

Joe: You’re worse.

[Willie is confused]

Willie Geist, the White House still hasn’t apologized for the outrageous remarks about senator John McCain.

Mika: It’s outrageous.

Joe: Special assistant Kelly Sadler made a tasteless joke about McCain who was very sick.

Mika: Unconscionable.

Joe: Now, joining us is a woman who I’m sure has been hurt by this. Meghan McCain.

[Cut to Meghan McCain in her home.]

Meghan: Hi, Joe.

[Cut to split screen with Joe, Mika and Meghan]

Joe: Meghan, such a pleasure to have you on

Mika: It’s a pleasure.

Joe: Now, these comments about your dad are frankly disrespectful.

Mika: Vile.

Joe: What is your reaction here?

Meghan: Well, I–

Joe: [interrupting] Because from where we’re sitting, your dad is a hero.

Mika: Truly.

Joe: I mean the man was tortured for six years.

Mika: I have his picture on my fireplace.

Joe: So, tell us. What are you feeling right now.

Meghan: I am–

Joe: [interrupting] Because I would be hurt.

Mika: Me too.

Joe: I would be outraged.

Mika: I mean, I am.

Joe: It’s a terrible time but you’re holding up great.

Mika: Youre amazing, Meghan.

Joe: Meghan McCain, thanks for joining us. And hang in there, okay?

[Cut to the show set]

She’s a peach, ain’t she?

Mika: Yes. She’s  beautiful woman.

Joe: Well, she’s no Mika mouse, I’ll tell you that.

[Joe and Mika look into each other’s eyes intimately]

Mika: Yeah?

Joe: That’s right.

Mika: You wanna play peekaboo with your Mika mouse?

Joe: You bet I do.

Mika: Yeah? [Joe covers his eyes. Mika stands and moves close to Joe and puts her breasts near his eyes.] Peek-ah-boob!

[Willie is fully confused]

Joe: Mama-sita.

Mika: It’s okay.

Joe: Well, the senate has just released thousands of pages about that June 2016 meeting between the members of the Trump campaign and Russians who said they had damaging information on Hillary Clinton.

Mika: Wow!

Joe: President Trump says he knew nothing about the meeting.

Mika: About?

Joe: Yeah. Here to explain is the Russian lawyer who is there, Natalia Veselnitskaya.

[Cut to Natalia in her home]

Natalia: Greetings, Joe and Mika. I’m so happy to clear this up.

[Cut to split screen with Joe, Mika and Natalia]

Joe: So, Natalia, Don Jr. thought you had some secret information on Hillary Clinton. That’s collusion, isn’t it?

Natalia: No, Joe. They say this meeting is illegal but it’s so ridiculous. It makes me laugh hysterically. [laughing]

Mika: Miss, Veselnitskaya, now, did Donald Trump know about this meeting?

Natalia: Of course not. The meeting was top secret held at an undisclosed location in Trump Tower, three floors below apartment of Donald Trump.

Mika: Right. So, the meeting with Trump campaign took place in Trump Tower with Donald Trump Jr. and Donald Trump knew nothing about it?

Natalia: Well, when you say it like that, it sounds like idiot. But, yes.

Joe: Alright. So, tell us exactly what happened in that meeting?

Natalia: It was also harmless. I go to Trump Tower. It is beautiful place with tourists and shops that sell cologne and fancy chocolates. It’s like a very tall duty free store. Then you go upstairs to meet Don Jr. who was very mysterious man. You don’t know where his chin ends and his neck begins. Then the meeting begins by handing out the customary Russian gift– um, my English not good, the rectangle with the money, bribe. Then I say, “My name is Natalia. I am lawyer who can help Mr. Trump to make lots of money from Russia.” They said, “We already have one of those. His name is Michael Cohen.” And then they leave. Very easy meeting. Very fun. And no one was poisoned.

Joe: Well, I guess that settles it. Natalia Veselnitskaya, thank you.

Mika: Thank you. Let’s take a break. As we go out, here’s a preview of Joe’s new single, “Circus fun.”

Joe: Ha-ha. Available on iTunes, gang.

[Cut to “Morning Joe” outro. “Circus fun” song playing in the background.]

 

Handmaids in the City

Alex Moffat

Of Fred… Amy Schumer

Of Warren… Kate McKinnon

Of John… Aidy Bryant

Of Gary… Cecily Strong

[Starts with “Handmaids in the City” intro]

Female voice: Let’s face it, ladies. In 2018, a handmaid’s tale is basically our “Sex and the City.” So, whether you’re Of Fred or Of Warren, you’ll love who lose all new spinoff show, “Handmaids in the City.”

[Cut to Of Fred having her meal. She is talking to Alex. He a guard with a taser in his hand. All women are wearing red robes and white bonnets.]

Of Fred: We’ve been sent good weather.

Alex: Praise be.

Female voice: As I waited for the girls in Downtown, Gillette, I was feeling like an uptown gal and I couldn’t help but wonder, “Are women allowed to do anything anymore?”

[Of John and Cecily walk in]

Of John: Under his eye.

Of Fred: Oh! Under his eye? What about under my eye? Look at these bags.

Cecily: Oh, stop it, Of Fred. You know it doesn’t matter what our faces look like,

Of Fred: As long as we’re fertile.

[ladies laughing]

Cecily: Of John, how’s the new place?

Of John: Amazing. It’s rent controlled. John controls me. And I don’t pay rent.

[ladies laughing]

Cecily: You’re bad.

Of Fred: Yeah, but not too bad. Otherwise you get [makes choking sound, gesturing her hand as hanging on a rope].

[ladies laughing]

[Cut to the show intro]

Female voice: From the Executive Producer of “Sex and the City” and 80 year old author, Margaret Atwood, it’s a show critics are calling, “So brutal” and “More uplifting than the news.”

[Cut back to the ladies. Of Warren joins them.]

Of Warren: Sorry, I’m late.

Of John: Under his–

Of Warren: [interrupting] Ah! don’t. [She has swollen eye.]

Of John: Ooh.

Of Fred: Did you get a little work done?

Of Warren: Is it that obvious?

Of John: No. It looks good on you. You look younger.

Of Warren: Well, this is what I get for reading a newspaper.

[ladies laughing]

Cecily: Of Warren, something really is different about you.

Of Fred: I know. It’s that new manolo bonnet.

Cecily: No. No, that’s not it. You lost weight?

Of Warren: I gave birth. Does that count?

[ladies laughing]

[Cut to the show intro]

Female voice: You’ll laugh. You’ll cry. You’ll say, “Oh my god, this so could be me and my friends. You know, with the way things are going.”

[Cut back to the ladies]

Of John: Gals, guess what I did last night?

Of Fred: Are your rashan in silence and cried into your straw bed?

Of John: Yes. Classic me.

Of Warren: Well, I had sex with a married couple.

Of John: Ooh, so did I. Who would have guessed we’d be having three ways in our 30s?

Of Fred: Three way? How about a one way ticket out of here?

[ladies laughing]

Cecily: So, I’m seeing someone new.

Of Warren: Really?

Cecily: Yeah. I’m Of Gary now.

Of Fred: Bless it be the fruit.

Of John: Bless it be my fruit. I’m sweating under these robes.

[ladies laughing]

Of Warren: Oh! I hate to always talk about our guy problems. But my commanding officer Warren and I are having issues.

Of Fred: Of what? What’s wrong?

Of Warren: Argh! It’s his ex. His last handmaid hung herself and he’s just not over it.

Of Fred: So, you’re saying he’s ‘hung up’ on her?

[Alex tases Of Fred]

Of Fred thinking: As I was getting tased, I was shocked at my lack of rights in this new world but stunned at how amazing I look in red.

[Of Fred smiles as she gets tased.]

[Cut to show outro]

Female voice: “Handmaids in the City.” If you’re not traumatized, you’re not watching TV.

Graduation Commercial

Amy Mitchell… Kate McKinnon

Oliver Klein… Kyle Mooney

Ashley Brandt… Aidy Bryant

Natt Jones… Chris Redd

Courtney King… Heidi Gardner

Debin Alma… Pete Davidson

[Starts with video clips of high school events]

Male voice: Summer is just around the corner. So, kick things off right with the most highly anticipated event in town. “James Madison High School Graduation.” It’s gonna be Hot as Hell. 100 grads, 400 family members. All in direct three plus hours. Grandpa might pass out. It all kicks off with class speaker Amy Mitchell who does not know how to work that mic.

[Amy walks to the podium and speaks. She is looking here and there and the mic isn’t catching everything she’s saying.]

Amy: Sometimes I wish [inaudible] and that I could stay at this school [inaudible].

Male voice: Followed by victorian Oliver Klein, the smartest kid in class giving the world’s saltiest speech.

[Oliver walks to the podium.]

Oliver: Some of us weren’t considered cool or popular. And girls didn’t notice me. But in few years, boy oh boy, things are gonna change. You’re gonna wish you have gotten with me. Congratulations to the class of 2018.

Male voice: Bitter much? Bad enough? I didn’t think so. Because it’s time for the main event. Handing out diplomas. All your favorites will be there. Like, grads with unfortunate names.

Principal: Witney Slickt.

[the girl makes sad face]

Male voice: And class radical Ashley Brandt who is making a confused political statement with her gown.

[Ashley walks to podium and holds the mic.]

Get your laws off my uterus. And save the honey bees!

Male voice: Pick a lane! And how about Natt Jones who has been telling every one he’s going to do a back handspring but then bails it the last minute?

[Natt is ready for the backflip but he doesn’t do it. Everyone is staring at him. He just walks out.]

And when visibly pregnant senior Courtney King takes the stage, watch that news hit the parents section like an atomic bomb.

[As Courtney walks to the front, the parents are shocked and are talking bout her.]

Who’s the father?

And just when you thought the fun was over, watch your principal confidently mispronounce the Indian kid’s last name.

Principal: Parswa– Parsajabadajubis.

Male voice: Butchered! And of course, everybody’s dabbing. Dab! Dab! Dab! Dab!

[Courtney King is walking]

Is it a boy or a girl? It’s a Dab!

And after the ceremony, it’s time for dads with iPads!  [All the old men are taking their iPads out to take pictures.] And lots of group pictures where no one knows which phone to look at. Plus, secrets will be revealed. Like, when you realize goth kid Debin Alma’s parent’s are like, normal? How did that happen?

And hey, look. There is a senior having drama with his girlfriend who’s a sophmore.

[Mikey is talking to his girlfriend]

Mikey: I don’t want to date college girls. Baby, we’re not gonna break up. Okay?

Male voice: Ha-ha. Yeah, they will. It will be a thing to remember. But the only thing everyone will actually remember is when the principal fell off the stage.

[Principal is speaking on the stage walking around]

Principal: Webster defines the term gradu–

[Principal falls down the stage]

Male voice: The James Madison High School Graduation. Your grandma flew in for this.

Amy Schumer Mother Knows Best

Paul… Pete Davidson

Shelby McAllister… Amy Schumer

Summer… Cecily Strong

Jackie… Aidy Bryant

Mason… Chris Redd

Shanile… Leslie Jones

Christopher… Mikey Day

Abissaleth… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with “Game Show Network” intro.]

Female voice: You’re watching “Game Show Network.”

[Cut to game stage. The contestants are waiting for the host.]

Male voice: It’s “Mother Knows Best” where moms and their teams team up to win cash. Here’s your hostess with the mostest, Shelby McAllister.

[Shelby walks in]

Shelby: Thank you. Thank you and welcome to “Mother Knows Best.” I’m your host, Shelby. I’m a YouTube sketch comedian and a serious genuine singer. Okay, to find out what our teams are playing for today, let’s check in with our announcer cutie pie Paul.

Paul: Hmm. Please don’t call me that. Just ‘Paul’ please. Our teams are playing for a grand prize of $10,000. And again, just Paul.

Shelby: Hmm, thank you cutie pie Paul. Okay, let’s meet today’s teams. From Fountain Valley, California, 17 year old Summer and her mom Jackie.

Summer: My mom can be really strict.

Jackie: Oh, and if we don’t win today, she’s grounded.

Shelby: From Tempe, Arizona, it’s 16 year old Mace and his mom Shanile.

Mason: My mom says raising kids is full time job.

Shanile: And today, I plan on getting that $10,000 raise.

Shelby: And from Fortress-of-the-Lamb, Pennsylvania, a close community of friends, it’s 17 year old John Christopher and his mom Abissaleth.

Christopher: My mom is my best friend.

Abissaleth: My son is my life. [Christopher and Abissaleth hug closely] He is of me.

Shelby: Awesome! Awesome! Before the show, we asked our teams questions about their moms. If their moms’ answers match up, they get 50 points. First question. Teams, what’s something you do that drives your mom crazy?

Summer: Oh, ma’am, this is easy. My mom hates when I chew my hair.

Jackie: Oh, yeap. I said “Chewing her darn hair.” [showing board with the same thing written.]

[right answer bell]

Shelby: Correct. 50 points on the board. Christopher, what’s something you do that annoys your mom?

[Christopher and Abissaleth are holing hands]

Christopher: [giggling] Sometimes in the morning, I wake up before she does and I get up out of our bed. And when she wakes up, she won’t know I’m there.

Shelby: Did you say our bed? Mom, show us your answer.

Abissaleth: I said, [showing her written board] “Leaving our bed early and making mommy worry.”

[right answer bell]

Shelby: Yes, you did. Correct. You got 50 points.

[Christopher and Abissaleth hug very closely and tightly again]

Abissaleth: [singing]

[Christopher and Abissaleth kiss on lips softly.]

Shelby: Cool. Cool. Okay. On to Mason and his mom. Mason, what drives your mom nuts?

[Mason and Shanile are still shocked]

Mason: [pointing at Christopher and Abissaleth] Um, they’re still going. [Christopher and Abissaleth are still kissing]

Shelby: Okay. Alright.

Abissaleth: We won the points.

Shelby: Okay, we’re done with that. We’re done with that. So, no more of that. Okay. Mason, what drives your mom crazy?

Mason: Um, when I play my music real loud. She hates that.

Shanile: What? I said “When you wear one of those dumb hats.”

[wrong answer buzzer]

Shelby: Oh, yikes! No points. Okay, after one round, we got Summer and Jackie with 50 points, Mason and Shanile with 0, and John Christopher and Abissaleth with 50 points.

[Christopher is brushing Abissaleth’s hair.]

Close game so far, huh, cutie pie Paul?

Paul: Please, just call me Paul.

Shelby: We’ll see. Second question, and we’ll start with John Christopher. What’s your mom’s biggest fear?

Christopher: Oh, that’s easy. That I’ll meet a woman and get married one day.

Abissaleth: Yes, I put [shows her written card] “That a woman whose menarche has come will ensnare him, leaving me to perish in my loneliness and filth, alone, alone, alooooone. Also, lyme disease.”

Shelby: I really don’t want to give that answer points, but that’s 50 points.

[right answer bell]

[Abissaleth starts singing and then Christopher and Abissaleth kiss again.]

Shelby: Okay. Okay. Okay. And my producers are asking that you limit your songs to no songs. Alright, Summer, what’s your mom’s biggest fear?

Summer: Oh, um, probably spiders.

Jackie: Oh, shoot. I said [showing her written card] I said that “My husband and I will get into one of our loud fights in front of her friends.”

[wrong answer buzzer]

Shelby: Oh, oh! No points. I hear you though. My mom and dad would fight all the time. My dad was not afraid of a drink. Let’s go to Mason and Shanile.

Shanile: Ah, we forfeit. We can’t beat these two. [pointing at Christopher and Abissaleth] They kissing on the lip. Look at them. Look.

[Christopher is sitting on Abissaleth’s lap. Abissaleth is caressing his thighs.]

Shelby: Yeah. Yeah. No one’s gonna beat them. I don’t think they’ve ever slept in separate rooms. Okay, we’ve got to take a quick break before round two.

Christopher: Well, will I have time for restroom?

Abissaleth: And will I have time to help him in there? Coz he can’t aim.

Shelby: Oh, my god! We’ll be right back.