Tag: Bobby Moynihan

How a Bill Does Not Become a Law

Kyle Mooney

Bill… Kenan Thompson

President Obama… Jay Pharoah

Executive Order… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with School House Rock intro]

Male voice: We now return to a brand new episode of School House Rock.

[Cut to a cartoon picture of Capitol building]

[Kyle walks in]

Kyle: Come on! You really have to climb a lot of steps to get to this capitol building in Washington DC. Say, what’s that piece of paper doing here?

[The bill walks in]

Bill: Oh, you mean me? I’ll tell you who I am.

[singing]

I’m just a bill
yes, I’m only a bill
and I’m singing here in Capitol hill
but I know I’ll be a law some day
at least I hope and pray that I will
but today I still just a bill

Kyle: Cool! What kind of bill are you?

Bill: Well, I’m an immigration bill. And one day, the republicans might create me. So, I could become a law.

Kyle: And how does a bill become a law?

Bill: Funny you should ask.

[singing]

Well, first I go to the house
and they vote on me
but then I need from the senate
of majority
and guess I pass the legislative test

[Bill walks to President Obama]

then I wind up on the President’s desk
and I–

[Barack Obama pushes Bill down the stairs]

[Cut to Bill falling down the steps of the capitol building.]

Bill: Oh! Oh, my sweet!

[Cut to Kyle and Barack Obama watching Bill fall]

Oh! My legs! They were made of paper!

Kyle: President Obama, what’s the big idea? That bill was trying to become a law.

Barack Obama: I realize that. But you know son, there’s actually an even easier way to get things run around here. It’s called an executive order.

[Executive order walks in]

Executive order: [singing] I’m an executive order
and I just pretty much just happen

[Executive order is smoking]

And that’s it.

Kyle: Wait a second. Don’t you have to go through congress at some point?

Executive order: Oh! That’s adorable. You still think that’s how government works. [laughing]

[Bill walks back]

Bill: Ah! Don’t listen to him son.

[singing] Look at the midterm election
people clearly don’t want

[Barack Obama pushes Bill down the stairs again]

[Cut to Bill falling down the steps of the capitol building.]

Oh! Why did I come back?

[Cut to Kyle, Barack Obama and Executive order watching Bill fall]

Ah! I think I landed on my keys.

Kyle: Mr. President, is this constitutional?

Barack Obama: Of course. Presidents issue executive orders all the time.

Executive order: That’s right. I could do lots of things.

[singing] I’ll create a national park,
or a new holiday

Barack Obama: [singing] Or grant legal status to find
million undocument immigrants.

Executive order: Wait, what?

Barack Obama: Yes, that’s what you’re gonna do.

Executive order: Oh, my god! But I didn’t have time to read myself. [Executive order reads himself] Wow! Okay. Go big or go home, huh?

[Bill comes back again]

Bill: This isn’t over.

[singing] We’re gonna take you to court
we’re gonna shut down–

[Barack Obama pushes Bill down the stairs again]

[Cut to Bill falling down the steps of the capitol building.]

So many steps! So many steps.

Barack Obama: Well son, what do you think about the government now?

Kyle: I think I wanna go into the private sector.

Barack Obama: Me too, son. Me too. Oh! One more thing…

Everybody: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Old New York

Bobby Moynihan, Kenan Thompson, Taran Killam, Woody Harrelson

[Starts with four men having a drink]

Bobby: I’m telling you, boys, this city has changed for the worst.

Kenan: It’s unbelievable. I can’t tell you the last time I had a decent slice of pizza here.

Taran: Yeah, forget about it. Remember, Mod Nelly’s on 9th. Best sauce in the city, hands down.

Bobby: Oh, hands down.

Kenan: And now, it’s replaced by a damn dog spa. I men, what the hell is that?

Taran: I’ll tell you what it is. It’s a crime and a shame. Ay, let me ask you this. When was the last time you had a good knish?

Kenan: Couldn’t tell ya.

Bobby: Yeah, you know, you can’t find a decent knish in the city but I’ll tell you, you can get a friggin froyo every 13 feet.

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Woody: Yeah, remember the crack?

[audience laughing]

Kenan: What?

Woody: Crack. I mean, have you had it lately? It’s awful.

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Bobby: Like, smoking crack?

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Woody: I mean, that’s if you gonna even find it. But like you said, there’s friggin froyo everywhere. You know?

Kenan: You know what I miss?

Woody: Crack?

Kenan: No. New York city hotdogs.

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Bobby: Thank you. Thank you.

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Kenan: Real dogs. Bright red with a good snap. Spicy mustard!

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Bobby: Um-hmm.

Taran: There used to be a good hotdog cart on every corner. But now, it’s all just Korean barbecue and tacos.

Bobby: Yeah, when did New York city become the friggin taco capital of the world.

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Woody: Man, you can clearly like taste the difference, let alone the high is kind of twitchy.

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Taran: What high?

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Woody: The crack high. It tasted better, lasted longer and cost less. It’s almost like they know would you settle for any crack.

Kenan: Ay man, what the hell you talking about?

Woody: I’m saying what you guys are saying. That the city has changed.

Kenan: Well, no, you’re not.

Woody: Yeah, you said the pizza thing. And then you’re talking about the knishes and who I can’t remember said something about crack.

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Taran: You! You brought up crack. Again. We don’t smoke crack.

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Woody: And I don’t blame you. It’s not as good.

[Cut to everybody]

Taran: Alright buddy, just stop bringing it up.

Woody: Alright, jeez. [Cut to Kenan and Woody] I mean, we’re all talking. It’s a free country.

Kenan: I miss the respect. Kids used to have respect in this city.

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Bobby: Absolutely, but not anymore. Now, every time I get on the subway, I see some punk sitting down and some old lady standing up.

Taran: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Not to mention that the price to ride the subway is just insane.

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Woody: Tell me about it. It’s like where do you even find crack at this time a day?

Kenan: Hey, man. We warned you.

Woody: I mean on a subway for what they charging us to ride a damn thing, you think they give us just a little crack.

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Bobby: We don’t smoke crack. Okay? Will you just get lost, man?

Taran: Please!

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Woody: Oh! I see what this is. I mean, you guys just want to talk to each other. I guess I’m intruding and maybe I should go.

Kenan: Yeah. [00:Woody0:Kenan6]

[Cut to everybody]

Bobby: Yeah, that would be great.

Woody: Very well, then. Good day gentlemen. But before I go, I have to say you’re all under arrest.

Taran: For what?

[Cut to Woody]

Woody: For possession of crack, cocaine. Now, put your drugs on the table.

[Cut to everybody]

Kenan: We don’t have any crack.

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Bobby: Wait, is that a vote for native button?

[Cut to Woody showing an election badge.]

Woody: Worth a shot. Good night guys.

[Cut to Bobby, Kenan and Taran]

Bobby: Uh, what a weirdo.

Taran: Yeah, I do miss the meth though.

Bobby: Oh! So much.

Kenan: Oh, meth was my favorite.

[cheers and applause]

Campfire Song

Christi… Venessa Bayer

Don… Kyle Mooney

Todd… Woody Harrelson

Eva… Leslie Jones

Randy… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with five friends enjoying camp fire.]

Christi: Such a brisk fall evening. I’m so glad I brought all these Chanel throws.

Don: Me too. This camp fire is so cozy. You build a good fire, Todd.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Oh, thanks. I just got lucky.

[Cut to Eva and Randy]

Eva: You know what this reminds me of? Back when we used to hang out.

Randy: Oh, yeah, it does.

[Cut to everybody]

Todd: Hey, you know what would be great right now? Some camp fire songs.

[Todd brings out a guitar]

[Cut to Christi and Don]

Christi: Oh, yeah. Let’s sing. That sounds fun. Hey, do you know ‘Michael, row your boat ashore’?

Todd: Oh, no. Not really. No. Oh, I know– Maybe, you guys would like this old chestnut. Just join in once you recognize it.

[Todd starts playing guitar and singing]

Apples, apples
apples are a fruit from a tree

Come on, don’t be shy.

Apples, apples
you and me get apples tonight.

You guys still know this?

[Cut to Eva and Randy]

Eva: I don’t think so.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Apples, apples,
gather your apples, you’re the cat of the walk

You really don’t know this?

[Cut to Christi and Don]

Don: No.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: You do. You have to.

Apples, apples,
the look in her eyes says everything.

Little louder, guys.

[Cut to Eva and Randy]

Randy: None of us know this.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Yeah, but you will. Okay, here comes the bridge.

Apples, apples,
you’re falling and growing and rolling and rotting and dying.
in the usual way, in the usual way

Come on, you know this part. [Cut to everybody] it just keeps repeating.

In the usual way

Go, Christi.

[Cut to Christi]

Christi: In the usual way.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: That’s not right. You do it Don.

[Cut to Christi and Don looking shocked.]

Don: In the usual way

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: That’s wrong. Okay, come on everybody. You know you will get it.

[Cut to Eva and Randy]

Eva: In the usual way

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Bad job Eva. You try Randy.

[Cut to Eva and Randy]

Randy: In the usual way

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: No, you’re not getting it. Let’s just go back to the chorus.

Apples, apples,
in the blink of an eye, you’re larger than life.

[Cut to everybody]

Randy: Todd! Stop it. [Cut to Eva and Randy] None of us know this song, for real.

[Cut to Christi and Don]

Christi: Yeah, Todd, we don’t know what you’re playing.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Well, I do. I guess you don’t like it so. Watch this.

[Todd throws the guitar into the lake. The water splashes on Christi and Don]

Randy: Todd, that was unreasonable.

[Cut to Christi and Don]

Christi: Todd, that was your only possession.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: I still got my pick.

[Todd throws the pick to the lake too. The same amount of water splashes on Christi and Don.]

[Cut to Eva and Randy]

Eva: Guys, this has gone too far. We gotta tell him. We gotta tell him.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Tell me what?

[Cut to Christi and Don]

Don: We were kidding around, Todd. Of course we know the song. You sing it like every time we get together.

[Cut to Eva and Randy]

Randy: Yeah. We were just gonna join in in the last verse.

Eva: But you went crazy before we got there.

[Cut to Christi and Don]

Christi: Here. You know what? I’ll play it.

[Cut to everybody. Christi takes her guitar out.]

Todd: Come on! You have your own guitar?

[Cut to Christi and Don]

Christi: Yes, I do. Alright, let’s sing.

[Cut to everybody]

Apples, apples

Come on, Todd! Sing.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: No, I’m mad and my guitar’s gone and my pick.

[Cut to Christi and Don]

Don: You did that, Todd. Not us.

[Cut to everybody]

Christi: Now, come on everybody.

Everybody: Apples, apples
you’re falling and growing and rolling and rotting and dying
in the usual way

Christi: Come on, Todd!

[Cut to Todd. He is angry but he’s nodding his head on the song.]

[Todd joins the song]

Don: There he is.

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: In the usual way,
in the usual way

[Todd starts dancing]

[cheers and applause]

Secret Billionaire

Steve… Taran Killam

Stacy… Cecily Strong

Mike… Bobby Moynihan

Gordon… Beck Bennett

Abit Bana Wilkin… Jim Carrey

Tony… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with Secret Billionaire intro]

[Cut to the show]

Steve: Welcome back to Secret Billionaire. At the top of our show, we met Stacy. A waitress and aspiring pilot. Stacy, you came on Secret Billionaire because you’re looking for a man of wealth.

Stacy: That’s right, Steve. I want a life of luxury.

Steve: Well, tonight, we have four eligible bachelors, but here’s the twist, only one of them is an actual billionaire. Gentlemen, please introduce yourselves.

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: What’s up Stace? I’m Mike. I’m an internet genius. Ha-ha!

[Cut to Gordon]

Gordon: Hi Stacy. I’m Gordon, heir to a massive chain of retail stores.

[Cut to Abit. He is very old and is on a wheelchair.]

Abit: And I’m Abit Bana Wilkin, senior member of Illuminati.

[Cut to Tony]

Tony: And I’m Tony. Hip Hop mobile.

[Cut to everybody]

Steve: Well, Stacy, it’s time to get to know your bachelors. [Cut to Steve and Stacy] Keep in mind, only one of them is telling the truth.

Stacy: Okay, guys, I’m a good girl but I have a crazy side. What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done?

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: Oh, man! There’s like, so many. But I would have to go with the time that I bought out a whole movie theater just so I wouldn’t have to sit next to anyone. Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Steve and Stacy]

Stacy: Wow, save some popcorn for me. Tony.

[Cut to Tony]

Tony: Well, I once filled my entire hot tub with gold and $100 bills. Then I took a bling bath. [laughing]

[Cut to Steve and Stacy]

Stacy: Ooh! Abit.

[Cut to Abit]

Abit: It’s simple. In 1978, I rigged an election in Panama. As I had high stakes in a banana futures. Things got messy and the bastards made off of those sovereign, my left hand. But fortunately, I replaced it with one of my own creations. [Abit shows his robotic hand] This mechanic-tronic hand, strong enough to crush steel but soft enough for manual pleasure.

[Cut to Steve and Stacy]

Stacy: Ooh! The hand is cool.

Steve: I know. Really think about their answers, Stacy. Next question.

Stacy: Okay, guys. I love to travel. If we could go anywhere in the world, where would you take me?

[Cut to Gordon]

Gordon: That’s easy. I would take you in my own personal helicopter that I own to the city of love, Paris. Where we’ll have champagne on the bar at the top of the Eiffel tower.

[Cut to Steve and Stacy]

Stacy: Wow, I love bars. Mike?

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: I would fly you to Japan just to get fresh sushi for dinner.

[Cut to Steve and Stacy]

Stacy: Um, amazing. Abit.

[Cut to Abit]

Abit: I would take you to the wide open spaces of the upper Utah where hot air balloon will be waiting. I would have send in it alone and pleasure myself to completion. And observe my essence fall 3,000 feet and marvel at the majesty of mother earth as she accepts my seed for purchase. And after that, we would go to Applebees and eat among the dollars.

[Cut to Tony staring at Abit being surprised]

Tony: Okay. I’d take you to the Luxa.

[Cut to Steve and Stacy]

Steve: [laughing] You have got your work cut out for you, Stacy.

Abit: Stacy, I brought you something. [Cut to Abit. He has a puppy in his hands.] This puppy is wearing an exact replica of a suit worn by the man in seat 3A in the Malaysian airliner that [showing his two fingers as quoting] “disappeared”. It serves as both a gift and a warning.

[Cut to Steve and Stacy]

Stacy: Aw! I love puppies. Okay, final question. Guys, I love the holidays. What do you do to feel jolly?

[Cut to Abit]

Abit: I was alone and bored one Christmas. So, I rented out an airplane hanger and filled it with 250 men named Dennis and one name Brian. I watched from two way glass above just to see what they would do. Would the Dennisses even know? Soon they started introducing themselves. “I am Dennis.” “I am Dennis.” “I am Dennis.” “I am Dennis.” And I watched Brian very carefully. Would he be frightened and disoriented? Fully immersed in a world out of his control? A world of Dennisses? Or would he become a sort of unofficial leader? For 10 hours they mingled, trying to make sense of it all. And I sat the whole time and wrapped the tension, gently sipping on a glass of octopus urine.

[Cut to Steve and Stacy]

Stacy: Aw, I love seafood.

Steve: Stacy, this is gonna be a tough decision, but the clues are out there. When we come back, it’s time for our one-on-one dates.

[Cut to everybody]

Abit: How much do you charge for your dignity? [Abit moves forward to Stacy on his wheelchair]

[cheers and applause]

Graveyard Song (ft. Jim Carrey)

Janelle… Sasheer Zamata

Arla… Pete Davidson

Reaper… Jay Pharoah

Tombstones… Bobby Moynihan, Kate McKinnon

Phil… Jim Carrey

Paul… Taran Killam

[Starts with a video clip of graveyard.]

Janelle: Arla, this place is creeping me out.

[Cut to Janelle and Arla walking with a 6-pack]

Reaper: Come on, Janelle. What better place to get faded on that a graveyard?

Janelle: You’re so bad. It’s hot.

[music playing]

Wait! What’s that sound?

Reaper: I hear it too. Is that music?

[Everything in the graveyard is singing]

Everything: On Halloween, this place comes alive
spirits and hearts begin to rise
you’ve come here in the worst of nights
Say hello to our graveyard fights

[statue of Reaper starts walking down]

Reaper: I am the reaper, the keeper of the dead
tonight I’m going to keep your head

[Cut to two tombstone statues]

Tombstones: We are the spooky tombstone band
we sing the chorus of the damned

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: I am a twisted rotting tree.

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Paul and Phil: We are Paul and Phil

[Cut to two tombstone statues]

Tombstones: Since you’ve arrived on Halloween
You are doomed to never leave

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: Are you scared?

Paul and Phil: Paul and Phil

Tree: Are you terrified?

Paul and Phil: Paul and Phil
Paul and Phil

Phil: Couple of dead guys.

Paul: We hail from the Hawkeye state. 

Phil: Paul and Phil

Paul: Phil and Paul

Paul and Phil: Can you guess who’s who? We’ll never tell.

Paul: Yes we will. I am Paul.

Phil: I guess I am Phil.

Paul and Phil: Now you know who’s Paul, who’s Phil. Paul and Phil!

[music stops]

Tombstones: Shut up! [Cut to tombstones] Shut up! Now! Just shut up!

[Cut to Janelle and Arla]

Janelle: What is this? What do you want with us?

Arla: The only thing I know for sure is that they’re Paul and Phil

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: We’re trying to explain everything to you with our song, but Paul and Phil made it the Paul and Phil show.

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Paul: Oh, tree. Did we go on too long? Gosh! Darn it!

Phil: It was just so darn fun.

[Cut to Janelle and Arla]

Arla: Are Paul and Phil like, a part of this? Because, I’m not scared of Paul and Phil.

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Phil: Aw, thanks man!

[Cut to tombstones.]

Tombstone: Paul and Phil are just some nice casual ghosts, just sort of always around.

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Paul: Yep! Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. I died chasing a butterfly off a cliff.

Phil: And when I found out he was dead, I killed myself.

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: Can we please continue our song?

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Paul: Well, that sounds good to us. Hey, where are we jumping in?

Phil: Are we rehearsed?

[Cut to the tombstones]

Tombstone: Hey! We’re starting.

[music playing]

We see you all consumed by fear
of all could things that could happen in here

[Cut to the reaper]

Reaper: I could slice you with my scythe. 

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: You could hang from my tree.

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Paul and Phil: Or, kind of rug with Paul and Phil

Phil: Coz everybody gotta have a place to go

Paul: If you can dig in

Paul and Phil: Or get down below

[acting like digging with a spade]

tsk-foo tsk-foo tsk-foo tsk-foo
That move is called ‘the Paul and Phil’

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: [yelling] No! Absolutely not!

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Phil: Did we jump in again too soon? I thought we were on our song after the tree!

[Cut to Reaper]

Reaper: Who told you that/

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Paul and Phil: I think maybe you.

[Cut to Janelle and Arla]

Janelle: Can we just go?

[Cut to the tombstones]

Tombstone: Not so fast. We’ll only let you leave, if you can solve our riddle.

[Cut to Janelle and Arla]

Arla: Well, can you tell us the riddle?

[Cut to everybody]

Tombstone: No, but we can sing it. [laughing]

[music playing]

[Cut to Reaper]

Reaper: What passes by but has no lane?

[Cut to the tombstones]

Tombstones: What has a face with no eyes to gaze?

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: What can strike–

[Paul and Phil interrupts]

Paul and Phil: Oh, it’s a clock!

Tree: Hell no! Hell no! Hell no, Paul and Phil! Hell no! You don’t ruin the riddle!

[Cut to Janelle and Arla]

Janelle: Cool. It’s a clock. Now, can we go?

Arla: Thanks Paul and Phil. Have a beer.

[Arla passes a beer to Paul and Phil but they cannot hold the can]

Phil: We’re ghosts. That beer went right through me.

Paul: Yes, it always did.

[Cut to everybody]

[music playing]

Paul and Phil: Paul and Phil
we’re Paul and Phil
we’re Paul and Phil
Paul and Phil
Paul and Phil

 

Carrey Family Reunion

Jim Carrey

Waitress… Leslie Jones

Jay Carrey… Taran Killam

Persey Carrey… Jim Carrey

John Carrey… Beck Bennett

Rita Patt Carrey… Venessa Bayer

Cable Guy… Jay Pharoah

Aunt Kay… Cecily Strong

Cousin Wayne… Bobby Moynihan

Grandpa Lloyd… Jeff Daniels

[Starts with Carrey family reunion in a restaurant.]

Waitress: Here’s your drink Mr. Carrey.

Jim Carrey: Oh, spank you kindly.

Waitress: Enjoy the reunion. You know?

Jim Carrey: Can you really enjoy a reunion?

Waitress: [laughing] You are so crazy, Jim Carrey.

[Jay Carrey walks in]

Jay Carrey: Jim!

Jim Carrey: Jay Carey! Oh, my gosh! Great to see you. When did you grow into a man?

Jay Carrey: Well, I started growing in high school and stopped. Right around here.

Jim Carrey: All righty then!

[cheers and applause]

Jay Carrey: Alrighty then! You remember when I came up with that?

Jim Carrey: I thought I came up with that.

Jay Carrey: [laughing] Agree to disagree. Well, in case I don’t see ya, good afternoon, good evening and good night.

[Jay Carrey goes to his table. Persey Carrey comes in.]

Jim Carrey: Can I get another drink?

Persey Carrey: Hey, JIm!

Jim Carrey: Persey Carrey. How are you man? I heard you became and incredible skate boarder.

Persey Carrey: I like it a lot. Sounds familiar. But seriously, I am super into skateboarding. I grind rails, I do ollies, because I’m not a Lahoo-zaher!

Jim Carrey: Alrighty then!

Persey Carrey: Alrighty then!

[John Carrey and Rita Patt Carrey walk in]

John Carrey and Rita Patt Carrey: Jim!

Jim Carrey: John and Rita Patt Carrey. Oh, my god! Did you guys come all the way from Scarborough for this?

John Carrey: We did! It was a hell of a day trying to get this one out of the bed this morning.

Rita Patt Carrey: John, can I talk to you over here for a second please?

[Cut to John Carrey and Rita Patt Carrey. Rita Patt Carrey is speaking like John Carrey and making it seem like her ass is speaking.]

Oh! So, I’m the difficult one?

[Cut to Jim Carrey]

Jim Carrey: Guys! Guys! Please, let’s not fight. The Carreys are kind people. Let’s just all relax, have a beer and watch the game. I think the leads are on.

[Jim Carrey gets the remote but it’s not working.]

Huh! Looks like the cable’s out. Is there anybody who knows how to fix a cable here?

[Cut to Cable Guy]

Cable Guy: I’ll juice you up. Cable Guy!

[Cut to Jim Carrey]

Jim Carrey: Eddie Taurus? Wow, great to see you. I thought people didn’t like the Cable Guy.

[Cut to Cable Guy]

Cable Guy: Well, you know, not at first. People thought I got paid too much. But I’m a real cold classic. Must be nice. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Jim Carrey]

Jim Carrey: It is. It is.

[Jay Carrey walks to Jim Carrey]

Oh, Jay! Hey! Good to see you. Is aunt Kay here?

Jay Carrey: Absolutely. She just got out of jail for our son.

[Cut to Aunt Kay]

Aunt Kay: And let me tell ya something, I’m still pretty fired up about it.

[Cut to Jay Carrey and Jim Carrey]

Jim Carrey: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. She’s nuts. Speaking of fired up, how’s cousin Wayne? That guy is nuts. Where is he?

Jay Carrey: He’s out back on the deck.

Jim Carrey: What’s he doing?

[Cut to Cousin Wayne. He’s ‘The Mask’ character.]

Cousin Wayne: Smuffin!

[Cousin Wayne walks to Jim Carrey]

Jim Carrey: Wow! You look a little green. You should really quit smoking.

Cousin Wayne: Ooh! [showing a cigarette that’s in his hand] Somebody stop me! It’s party time. P-A-R-T-Why?
Jim Carrey: Because I– you gotta?

Cousin Wayne: Yeah! Because I gotta! That’s pretty much why.

Grandpa Lloyd: Watch yourself there you!

[Grandpa Lloyd walks to Jim Carrey]

Jim Carrey: Grandpa Lloyd. You never look better.

Grandpa Lloyd: Oh, boy! We’re proud of ya Jim boy. You’re probably having a blast with all them Hollywood movies.

Jim Carrey: Yeah, I guess. You know, it’s not all fun. Sometimes, you work with some real jerks. And if there’s a sequel, well, you’re kind of stuck with them.

Grandpa Lloyd: I bet no one’s ever said that about you.

Jim Carrey: Hey!

Grandpa Lloyd: Hey, you wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world.?

Jim Carrey: I don’t think so.

[Grandpa Lloyd yells at Jim Carrey in his ears]

Okay, everyone. Hey! Gather around here. A group picture. And a toast to the greatest family that anyone could ever have. To the Carreys.

Everybody: To the Carreys.

Jim Carrey: Ready?

[Everyone poses for the picture. Character ‘The Riddler’ joins them]

Everybody: Alrighty then!

[picture snaps]

Kim Jong-Un Is Strong

Nurse… Cecily Strong

Kim Jong Un… Bobby Moynihan

General… Taran Killam

Kyle Mooney

Qak-pun-ji… Beck Bennett

[Stars with a clip of Pyongyang, North Korea]

Nurse: Dear leader, [Cut to a nurse sitting beside Kim Jong Un] it has been five weeks since you’ve been seen in public. Your people yearn to set their eyes on their beloved Kim Jong Un. Please, some are wondering if you’re still in charge.

Kim Jong Un: Fools! I am the one and only shining sun. I am your marshall. So, why do I hear these poisonous rumors? That I am diabetic? That I have the gout? ridiculous! That I have eaten too much imported cheese? Who dares question me?

[Cut to three soldiers at right]

General: It is just, dear leader, we are worried.

[Cut to Nurse and Kim Jong Un]

Kim Jong Un: Worried? About me? Well, let me tell you something, General.

[Kim Jong Un struggles to stand up]

[As Kim Jong Un is limping to the General, he’s making noises]

General! You of all people should never question me. Why did you go to South Korea when you knew I forbid this?

General: It was a diplomatic mission, sir. As part of the Asian games.

Kim Jong Un: What? Why would you send anyone to the Asian games when the world’s greatest athlete is standing right in front of you? I have an Olympic medal in beach volleyball.

[Cut to the soldiers at left]

Kyle: But sir, you’re limping.

[Cut to Kim Jong Un]

Kim Jong Un: What? Who said that?

[As Kim Jong Un is limping to Kyle, he is making noises]

I told you, I broke my ankle while dunking over Michael Jordan. This is what happened! The movie Space Jam is about me. We all know this.

[Cut to everybody. The soldiers and nodding their heads.]

Kyle: My apologies dear leader. It’s just, um, people think you’re out of tough.

Kim Jong Un: How can I be out of touch when I have the same haircut as Brad Pitt in the movie Fury? I am sensing many of you doubt my strength. Perhaps a demonstration is in order.

[As Kim Jong Un is limping to right side, he is making noise]

Qak-pun-ji, I want you to punch me as hard as you can.

Qak-pun-ji: Dear leader, I could never.

Kim Jong Un: Punch me! Hard! I order you to punch me or die!

[Qak-pun-ji punches Kim Jong Un on chest. Kim Jong Un doesn’t react at all.]

Now everyone turn around!

[The soldiers turn away from Kim Jong Un and then, Kim Jong Un starts grunting.]

That was in my heart! He punched me in the heart. What an animal! [Kim Jong Un takes long breath] Okay, turn back around. This is nonsense. I am strong as a dragon.

[Kim Jong Un turns around and tries to go back to his seat.]

Okay, forget it.

[He starts crawling as he can’t limp on stairs.]

[Nurse tries to get him up]

I am fine! [Cut to Nurse and Kim Jong Un] I am fine! Would a man with a gout be able to do this?

[Kim Jong Un starts dancing]

Would a man with two broken ankles be able to do this?

[Kim Jong Un starts dancing again]

Now, everybody turn around!

[As everyone turns away from Kim Jong Un, he screams in pain.]

[Nurse passes a packed juice to Kim Jong Un]

Oh, cranberry! And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Anthony Coleman Takes Another Puppet Class

Alex… Taran Killam

George… Bobby Moynihan

Maryland… Cecily Strong

Anthony Peter Coman… Bill Hader

[Starts with a notice board.]

Alex: Okay everyone, welcome to puppetry for advanced students. [Cut to a puppet class] You all have some experience with puppets. [Cut to Alex] So, we’re gonna be learning some techniques to really make your characters come alive. Um, my name is Alex [he puts up his puppet] and this guy is Wigglesby.

Wigglesby: And I’m a jolly old chap, aren’t I? Chum?

Alex: [laughing] You sure are. Now lets hear from you guys.

[Cut to George]

George: I’m George.

[George puts up his puppet]

Herman the Hippie: And I’m Herman the Hippie, wavy, gravy, man!

George: Look, I didn’t finish my puppet.

[Cut to Alex.]

Alex: You’ll have time. Alright? How about you?

[Cut to Maryland]

Maryland: I’m Maryland. This is the one thing I do each week for me. [she puts up her puppet]And This is old Mrs. Hooper.

Mrs. Hooper: I’m having a little trouble keeping up. What’s Google?

[Cut to Alex]

Alex: I can see, she’s a handful. [laughing] And you

[Cut to Anthony Peter Coman. He’s wearing aviators and military jacket.]

Anthony Peter Coman: [talks in deep voice seriously] My name is Anthony Peter Coman, private first class, operation urgent fury, recipient of the Purple Heart, pending, pending for the review.

[Cut to Alex]

Alex: Uh-huh. Okay. And your puppet’s name?

[Cut to Anthony Peter Coman. He puts up his puppet. His puppet is also wearing aviators and a military jacket.]

Anthony Peter Coman: Tony.

[Cut to Alex]

Alex: Okay. Let’s go ahead and hear from Tony.

Anthony Peter Coman: [Anthony Peter Coman looking at Tony] Go ahead, tell them.

Tony: It was a hot night in Grenada. The enemy was in the trees. the mud, everywhere. Sarge Sig called in the air strike but I must have got my wires crossed. Our own jets came screaming down on us and rained fire. It was like a cook out. And we were the meet. I used my best friend as an umbrella.

Alex: Okay, alright! Wow! [Cut to Alex] Wow! Um, well actually, one thing I like to is start off with a little joke. You like jokes, don’t you Wigglesby?

Wigglesby: Not as much as I like tea and crambits.

Alex: You guys go ahead and give it a try.

[Cut to George]

Herman the Hippie: Hey, have you guys seen the Hobbit movies? They’re longer than my hair, man!

George: I swear, I have the hair at home.

[Cut to Alex]

Alex: It’s alright. It’s completely fine. Alright? Do you have a joke for us Mrs. Hooper?

[Cut to Maryland]

Mrs. Hooper: My grand daughter sent me a little picture of a snowman. She calls it an emoji. I call it a waste of time.

[Puppet Tony slides in]

Tony: If I had to use emojis to describe my time at Grenada, it would be palm tree, flame thrower, baby, flame thrower, mosquito, mosquito, mosquito.

Alex: Okay! Okay! [Cut to Alex] Tony, we’re telling jokes now.

[Cut to Anthony Peter Coman]

Tony: Here’s a joke. God!

[Cut to Alex]

Alex: Um, alright. Actually, something that makes puppets fun is that they can actually be very different from ourselves. Like, Anthony, what might be fun for all of us to see is having your puppet be like the opposite of you.

[Cut to Anthony Peter Coman]

Anthony Peter Coman: The opposite of me? Okay.

Tony: I was not charged with war crimes. My favorite game is not Russian Roulette. I did not lose a full year of my life in porno theaters.

Alex: No, no! [Cut to Alex] I don’t think– I guess I mean like, even a different type of character. Different voice.

[Cut to Anthony Peter Coman]

Anthony Peter Coman: Okay.

Tony: [In French accent.] My name is Jacqueline, and I like nice perfume. Bonjour.

[Cut to Alex]

Alex: Yayy! Yes, that’s fun. Tell us about Jacqueline.

[Cut to Anthony Peter Coman]

Tony: Jacqueline was my undercover identity. Ragen and his goons made me pose as a woman to seduce the general. It was a honey pot, a sex trap. I did what I had to do.

[Anthony Peter Coman takes smokes a cigarette but Tony breathes out the smoke.]

[Cut to Alex looking shocked]

Alex: Um, now when you’re building your puppet’s personality, you wanna think about who your audience will be. So, where do you guys see yourselves performing with these puppets.

[Cut to George]

George: Well, I know this might be a bit cliche, but I always dreamed of one day I would work on Sesame street.

Herman the Hippie: [singing] Can you tell me how to get–

[Puppet Tony slides in]

Tony: [singing] How to get nightmares to stop.

[Cut to Alex]

Alex: Wow, Anthony, enough! Okay? You need help.

[Cut to puppet Tony shaking. He’s listening voices saying ‘help, help, help’ from the war.]

[Cut to the past where two puppets are walking in the jungle.]

Washington: Thanks for the help, Anthony.

Anthony: No problem, Washington. While you’re with me, everything will be A– Stop!

[Cut to Washington’s leg triggering a mine and it exploding.]

Anthony: No!

[Cut to Washington in Anthony’s arm]

Washington: [coughing] Is that snow, Tony? Is it Christmas already?

Anthony: Yeah, that’s snow. It’s not your damn stuffing. [screaming] Washington!

[Cut to puppet Tony holding Alex’s puppet in his hand]

Alex: Okay, let’s take five, sounds good?

[Everybody agrees]

Joan Rivers

Sasheer Zamata

Ms. Joan Rivers… Sarah Silverman

Richard Pryor… Jay Pharoah

Steve Jobs… Kyle Mooney

Elizabeth Taylor… Cecily Strong

Ben Franklin… Bobby Moynihan

Freddie Mercury… Adam Levine

Lucille Ball… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a clip of the clouds.]

Sasheer: Attention everyone. [Cut to celestial stage. Sasheer is standing in the middle.] I have some big news. [Cut to Sasheer] We’ve just received the word that one of the greats has joined us here on this celestial stage. Ladies and gentlemen of heaven, please welcome Ms. Joan Rivers.

[Cut to the celestial stage. Everyone is clapping.]

[Ms. Joan Rivers walks in to the middle]

Ms. Joan Rivers: Thank you, thank you. Oh, hello, hello, hello, hello. Heaven, are you serious? I guess maybe I should be here. I’m practically a virgin. Last time someone was inside me, it was Malissa. [Cut to Ms. Joan Rivers, Richard Pryor and Steve Jobs] You know what I’m talking about, uh! Oh! my old friend, Richard Pryor.

[Cut to Richard Pryor]

Richard Pryor: Now, this lady don’t hold nothing back, y’all know what I’m saying?

[Cut to Ms. Joan Rivers and Richard Pryor]

Ms. Joan Rivers: Richard, you could never keep it in your pants. I don’t wanna say Richard fooled around. But the longest relationship we ever had was with multiple sclerosis. [Cut to everybody. Everyone is laughing] Oh! Grow up!

[Cut to Richard Pryor]

Richard Pryor: God damn! Okay, y’all laughing at that? Huh? Y’all can kiss ass.

[Cut to everybody]

Ms. Joan Rivers: So many incredible people here. Steve Jobs is here. [Cut to Steve Jobs] Uh! [Cut to Ms. Joan Rivers] Steve, I hope you are forced to buy a new and better casket every six months so you can see how we feel, am I right?

So many beautiful people are here. My gorgeous friend Elizabeth Taylor. [Cut to Elizabeth Taylor] What a legend. You look so young Liz. [cut to Ms. Joan Rivers] Thank god, Liz. Who did you go down on to get up here? Oh, yeah, that’s right. Everybody.

[Cut to everybody. Everyone is laughing.]

Ms. Joan Rivers: Look at there. I’m killing with Ben Franklin over here.

[Cut to Ben Franklin laughing.]

[Cut to everybody]

Hey, Ben! Where did you get that outfit? Forever SasheerFreddie MercuryMs. Joan RiversSasheer? Oh, come on! Ben loves me. Hey, Ben! Something tells me that those bifocals aren’t the only thing bi about you.

[Cut to Ben Franklin laughing hard.]

Ben Franklin: I don’t know what that means.

[Cut to Ms. Joan Rivers]

Ms. Joan Rivers: Speaking of bi, I see you Freddie Mercury. [Cut to Freddie Mercury on his yellow flashy jacket.] You’re so skinny with that hugs mustache. You look like

a gay broom.

Freddie Mercury: You know, wonderful, darling. Wonderful! Mama-mia, mama-mia.

[Cut to Ms. Joan Rivers]

Ms. Joan Rivers: When Freddie died, people were surprised he was gay. Are you serious? You’re so gay, even your teeth aren’t straight.

[Cut to Ben Franklin laughing hard.]

Ben Franklin: I still don’t understand.

[Cut to Ms. Joan Rivers]

Ms. Joan Rivers: So many greats here. So many. Lucille Ball, you’re comedy legend.

[Cut to Lucille Ball]

Lucille Ball: And?

[Cut to Ms. Joan Rivers]

Ms. Joan Rivers: That scene in the candy factory, wasn’t Lucy hilarious in that? Stuffing chocolate in mouth. You stuff more chocolate down your throat than the Kardashians. It’s just–

[Cut to everybody. Everyone is laughing.]

Oh! Grow up! Grow up!

[Cut to Lucille Ball]

Lucille Ball: Well, I knew what’s –[stops speaking]

[Cut to Ms. Joan Rivers]

Ms. Joan Rivers: Listen, people. Comedy is here to make us laugh and to deal with things. So, open the gates. Let me in here. And let’s get this show started. So, thank you. You’re wonderful. Good night.

[Cut to everybody clapping]

Worst Vet Office Ever

Cecily Strong

Chris Prtt

Kate McKinnon

Mrs. Taylor… Venessa Bayer

Mr. Sentoro… Bobby Moynihan

Mr. Thompson… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a clip of animal hospital]

Cecily: Oh, my god! My hair is not doing what I wanted to do today.

[Cut to Cecily, Chris and Kate behind the counter.]

Chris: Me neither. My hair as dry as a little triscuit.

Kate: My hair is like soup on a plate. It just ain’t right.

Cecily: Okay, well, let’s get to work because if we don’t do it, it’s gonna do us.

Kate: Okay. Now, hand me my clipboard. Thank you. Mrs. Taylor?

[Cut to Mrs. Taylor]

Mrs. Taylor: Oh that’s me.

[Cut to everybody]

Kate: Now, you’re writing on your pet guinea pig, Mrs. Wonderful?

Chris: I can’t tell. I just love that name. And she has lived up to it Chris00%.

[Cut to Mrs. Taylor]

Mrs. Taylor: Thank you. Are they bringing her out now?

[Cut to everybody]

Chris: They are ma’am. She will be out here in just a moment.

[Cut to Cecily and Mrs. Taylor]

Cecily: And we just want to let you know that when they do bring her out here, she will be dead.

Mrs. Taylor: What? Mrs. Wonderful is dead?

[Cut to everybody]

Chris: Yes, ma’am. But please don’t worry. She did go very slowly.

Mrs. Taylor: She was here for a toe-nail trim.

Kate: Oh, we know. And her nails look great!

Chris: But she is dead.

Cecily: Okay, so I’m just gonna need to sign these papers.

Mrs. Taylor: Okay, what are these papers for?

Chris: It just says that your guinea pig died and that you know that.

Cecily: Okay, so right here it says, do you know it? We’re gonna need you to print the English word, ‘Yes’.

Mrs. Taylor: Well, can I at least say goodbye.

Cecily: Well, look at you. Of course you can. Come here. [Cecily hugs Mrs. Taylor] Oh, my gosh!

[Chris hugs Mrs. Taylor]

Chris: I’ll miss you so much.

Kate: Bye, bye now.

Mrs. Taylor: I don’t believe this.

[Mrs. Taylor walks away]

Cecily: I really like her. She seemed like a new person.

[Mr. Sentoro walks in]

Mr. Sentoro: Excuse me, hi. I just came to check on my parrot.

Kate: Oh, hello. Are you Mr. Sentoro?

[Cut to Mr. Sentoro]

Mr. Sentoro: Yes, thank you so much for taking her on such short notice.

[cut to Kate and Chris]

Chris: Well, your parrot has been a dream.

Kate: Were you the one who taught her how to say ‘Pizza, pizza’?

[Cut to Mr. Sentoro]

Mr. Sentoro: [laughing] I wish. No. She learned that from TV.

[Cut to Chris and Kate]

Chris: Cute. Well, she’s been saying that all day long.

[Cut to Cecily and Mr. Sentoro]

Cecily: She has. Pizza, pizza. Those were her last words.

Mr. Sentoro: What?

[Cut to Chris and Kate]

Chris: Pizza, pizza. And then nothing.

[Cut to Cecily and Mr. Sentoro]

Mr. Sentoro: What do you mean?

Cecily: Your bird is dead and we need you to fill out this form.

Mr. Sentoro: How did she die?

[Cut to everybody]

Kate: I’m afraid she was birdered!

Mr. Sentoro: What?

Chris: That is what happens when a bird is murdered.

Mr. Sentoro: This can’t be happening.

Cecily: I know. I am so sorry. Okay, so we just need you to sign this form. It says, “My pet was birdered and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

Mr. Sentoro: This is the worst vet hospital I’ve ever been in.

Cecily: What? [Mr. Sentoro runs away] Well, I think he took that pretty good. Mr. Thompson, you waiting to see the doctor?

[Mr. Thompson walks in]

Mr. Thompson: Yeah. I think my turtle has a rash.

Chris: I can see it. Poor baby. Hey, I’m gonna take him to the doctor, okay?

[Chris takes the turtle away]

Cecily: I bet it won’t take long.

[Chris walks back in in with a hospital bed with Mr. Thompson’s turtle covered with a white cloth.]

Chris: Okay, we’re back, I just need you to identify the body.

[Cut to Mr. Thompson]

Mr. Thompson: What? My turtle is dead?

[Cut to everybody]

Kate: Well, hang on. Let me see. [Kate knocks the turtle shell] I knocked and nobody is home.

Cecily: So, I’m just gonna need you to sign this form. It says, “They bundled my turtle in a little blanket and they gave it to me and I left.”

Mr. Thompson: I can’t believe my turtle’s dead.

Chris: Oh, believe it. [Chris throws the white cloth away and starts shaking the turtle.] Here you go.

Mr. Thompson: This is inexcusable.

[Mr. Thompson takes the turtle from Chris]

Kate: Well, at least you know he wasn’t turtered. That’s when turtles get murdered.

Cecily: Well, we know that. Alright, y’all. You know what? I need a drink.

Kate: Me too.

Chris: Me too, three.

Cecily: Okay, you know, you are crazy.

[Cecily, Chris and Kate wear hats and walk out.]

Chris: I know.