Tag: Cecily Strong

Weatherman

Sherman Bell… Kenan Thompson

Katie Williams… Cecily Strong

Beth Bennington… Punkie Johnson

Todd Baxter… Andrew Dismukes

Riley Cole… Kieran Culkin

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: You’re watching Wake up Rhode Island.

[Cut to Sherman Bell and Katie Williams in their set]

Sherman Bell: Good morning, folks. Sherman Bell alongside Katie Williams.

Katie Williams: Coming up, we’ll hear from Beth Bennington who is down at Cohassett beach with an Eagle Scout on an important mission.

[Cut to Beth Bennington. She is standing with scout members]

Beth Bennington: That’s right, Katie. This is Todd Baxter. And Todd, tell us what we’re doing down here.

Todd Baxter: Well, myself and these boy scouts will be picking up trash at the beach all day, right guys?

Boy Scouts: Yeah.

Sherman Bell: That’s wonderful. Can’t wait to hear more about that.

Katie Williams: Me too. But first, let’s take a look at the weather with Riley Cole.

[Riley Cole comes in a split screen. He’s wearing turkey costume.]

Riley Cole: Hey, guys.

Katie Williams: Oh my goodness, Riley. What are you wearing?

Riley Cole: Um, who’s Riley? I’m Turkey Tom.

Sherman Bell: Oh. Turkey Tom, he says. Look, he’s even changed the graphic.

Katie Williams: And why is Turkey Tom honoring us with his presence today?

Riley Cole: Well, because today was the first day that the thermometer dropped below 40. And you know what that means? Time for a fall rap.

Sherman Bell: Oh boy. Here we go.

[music playing]

Riley Cole: [rapping] The leaves are turning all around
and the grass is turning brown
the wind is getting colder and the–

[He’s still rapping and dancing, but he’s been muted. There’s alert sound going on.]

Male voice: This is a Rhode Island weather alert. A severe storm is approaching. Evacuation orders are in place for flood zones one through four. Take only what is necessary. Leave all pets behind. Life threatening winds and flooding expected. May God have mercy on your souls.

Katie Williams: Okay, folks. So, obviously we have a severe weather situation. Riley, how did we not see this storm coming?

Riley Cole: [reading his papers] Well, I was working on the rap all last night. The costume and lyrics, that kind of thing. So, I am a little behind on my weather reports. So, my bad. But now I am seeing. Yeah, yeah. This is a big one. I should have caught it. I apologize for that.

Katie Williams: Okay. Well, why don’t we go to commercial so you can change into something more appropriate?

Riley Cole: Yeah. Well, I would love to but the the Doppler says the landfall could be any minute now. So, let’s take a look at the radar here. [there’s weather graphic behind him] Okay, well, this is the biggest nor’easter that I have ever seen. Let’s see. This is a large fast moving storm. [his funny graphics appear on the storm news] Yeah, sorry. The turkeys were part of the rap. There’s this lyric about how turkeys hate November because the Thanksgiving.

Sherman Bell: Ha-ha. Yeah, you know they do. Ha-ha-ha.

Riley Cole: But anyway, you can see behind the turkeys here. The winds are now reaching– Oh, wow. 190 miles an hour.

Katie Williams: Riley?

Riley Cole: Oh, that is very dangerous.

Katie Williams: Riley?

Riley Cole: Yeah. Yeah.

Katie Williams: Take the turkey off your head.

Sherman Bell: Katie, let’s be reasonable. Now, Turkey Tom–

Katie Williams: Don’g call him that.

Sherman Bell: Katie, please. Turkey Tom, could we be looking at structural damage from these winds?

Riley Cole: More than damage, I think some areas could be completely flattened. We should expect many, many casualties.

Katie Williams: Just take the turkey hat off.

Sherman Bell: Boo! Ha-ha-ha.

Riley Cole: Yeah, maybe I should, right?

Katie Williams: Great. And while you do that, we’ll go to Beth Bennington on Cohassett. Beth, any sign of the storm down there?

[Cut to Beth Bennington. She is in the storm all soaked and shaken]

Beth Bennington: Yes.

Katie Williams: Oh, wow. Beth where are the boy scouts?

Beth Bennington: The sea took them.

Katie Williams: Oh my god. Okay, Riley. Well, I see you still have the turkey headpiece on?

Riley Cole: I do. Yes. I decided to keep it on in case you want to hear the rest of the rap after the storm.

Katie Williams: Don’t.

Sherman Bell: Boo!

Riley Cole: No, that’s fair. I’m sorry, I look like this. I’m also very sorry that I missed the storm.

Sherman Bell: Hey, that’s not on you.

Katie Williams: yes, it absolutely is. Okay, Let’s go to commercial so Riley can change. Keep it here for more as this dangerous storm develops.

Sherman Bell: And later we’ll hear from a local boy scout troop who is cleaning up the beach.

Aaron Rodgers Trump Cold Open

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Aaron Rodgers… Pete Davidson

Glenn Youngkin… Alex Moffat

Helen Stevens… Heidi Gardner

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with show intro]

[Cut to Jeanine Pirro in her set]

Jeanine Pirro: Good evening. I’m Jeanine Pirro and you’re watching Justice Judge with Judge Justicic Judge. Tonight’s top story, is the president dead? Politically, yes. Otherwise, I’m told he’s fine. But first, the vaccine gets stop polls at it again. Men jetting their sticking nickies on Fauci ouchies, until all of us yell “Hail Biden”. And join there’s zombie army of the vaxxed. Our first guest is an American brave enough to stand up and say, “Screw you, science, I know Joe Rogan!” Please welcome, NFL MVP, Aaron Rodgers.

Aaron Rodgers: Hello. Hey, Jeanine. It’s great to be here. Remember when I hosted Jeopardy?

Jeanine Pirro: Now Aaron, you’re not vaccinated. So what? Who the hell cares? Your body, your choice. And please, never use that quote for any other issues.

Aaron Rodgers: Exactly, Jeanine. It’s my body and my covid. I can give it to whoever I want. But suddenly the woke mob is coming after me. It’s gotten so bad that state farm called and they’re not offering me the Rogers spray.

Jeanine Pirro: And straight talk, Aaron, because I never talk gay. Did you ever lie about being vaccinated?

Aaron Rodgers: I never lied. I took all my teammates into a huddle, got all their faces three inches away from my wet mouth and told them, “Trust me. I’m more or less immunized.” Go team.

Jeanine Pirro: And you said you didn’t get the vaccine because it might make you sterile, which is so insane, I’m jealous I didn’t say it.

Aaron Rodgers: Ay, look, people can talk all they want. But at the end of the day, my record is still 7-1. Meaning of the eight people I’ve infected, seven are fine.

Jeanine Pirro: Wow. Call this guy the bottom of the snapple cap because he got vaxxed. Thank you, Aaron. My next guest, turned Virginia as red as my face, gets when I talk about nearly any subject, please welcome governor elect Glenn Youngkin.

Glenn Youngkin: Judge Jeanine, thank you for having me. My win in Virginia proves that people are deeply concerned about education.

Jeanine Pirro: And who are most of your voters?

Glenn Youngkin: People who didn’t go to college.

Jeanine Pirro: Excellent. Now, critical race theory is something that you talked about a lot. What is critical race theory?

Glenn Youngkin: Simple. It’s what got me elected.

Jeanine Pirro: Right. But what is it?

Glenn Youngkin: It’s not important. What’s important is parents. Everyone knows they should run schools. That’s why I invited the leader of my parental task force to share her recommendations on dangerous material that should be banned.

Helen Stevens: Hello, Judge Jeanine. I’m a huge fan of your Judging and your talking.

Jeanine Pirro: Oh, I like this one already. Helen, what are your feelings on education?

Helen Stevens: When my son brought home the book “Beloved” by Tony Morrison, I put down my copy of “50 shades” and said, “No!” A woman named Tony? Not my America. So, a group of parents and I put together our list of books that should never be allowed in the classroom. “Holes” sounds sexual. “Pride and Prejudice”. Prejudice is fine. But Pride is a term that has been coopted by the gays for some sort of Lady Gaga themed nudity parade. “Invisible man”. What’s he doing? Where is he? Cane you see me in my home? Or what I google? “The Great Gatsby”. Too much jazz. “Moby Dick”. That one’s toss-up. Title is dirty. Love that the whale is white.

Jeanine Pirro: Get him to sea world stat.

Glenn Youngkin: Yeah. See, I’m so grateful that parents like Helen who helped me win in Virginia without the help of Donald Trump.

Jeanine Pirro: Well, funny you should mention it. Because he’s been watching and he just asked us to join us. Former and basically current president of the United States, Donald Trump.

Donald Trump: Thank you. Thank you so much. Yes. I just wanted to congratulate Glenn Youngkin and mostly myself on our tremendous victory at Virginia. You know what? We did it together.

Glenn Youngkin: Oh, you don’t have to say that.

Jeanine Pirro: Mr. President, what an unexpected and frankly horny surprise. Oh mama.

Donald Trump: Oh, it’s great to be here. It’s great to be here judge Judy and it’s great to be frankly winning again. We love to win it. You know what? You’ll get to see a lot more winning where that came from. Let me tell you. You’re gonna see it a lot.

Glenn Youngkin: Oh, you’re gonna take me off the split screen.

Donald Trump: No, we do this together, Glenn. We did it so good, okay? I really want you to stay.

Glenn Youngkin: Really, that’s okay.

Donald Trump: Excuse me. Glenn, excuse me. Excuse me. Everybody comes to listen it. You know what? Like you just saw it, I listened, okay? I mean, when you look at it, he’s someone that takes advice so well. I mean, you now what? Can I get 60 seconds on the clock please? Because theres a lot of times when I was giving advice. Lot of times, I was giving advice and people weren’t listening and it didn’t work out so great for some of those people. I mean, when you look back with StarWars, I said, “You ned to do it with swords. The lasers are not enough. You got enough real swords, George.” I remember talking. I said this to George. I said, “If you’re gonna do StarWars, okay, you have to have real swords.” And look at what they’re doing with Dune. Look at what they’re doing with Dune. I talked to Denis Villeneuve. I said– You know what? Look at the success of Dune. Look at Chalamet, okay? Real swords. Frankly with Dune, you got Momoa and everyone’s doing flips and it’s very “Game of Thrones”. And people were very disappointed with “Game of Thrones”, you know, how it ended and everything. But with Dune, I think you got a lot of possibility with Dune. I see a lot of possibility. Two, three, four, 15 movies. And frankly, I see a lot of possibility with Virginia.

Jeanine Pirro: God, you are impressive. How do you keep that all in your brain?

Donald Trump: Well, I had my ears sealed, so nothing comes in or out.

Jeanine Pirro: And now, Mr. President, you never actually campaigned with Glenn Youngkin, did you?

Donald Trump: Well, no. I never did– Glenn. Glenn! Glenn! Don’t you dare. Don’t go anywhere. Don’t you dare, Glenn. You need to hear this. You know, I was never there there with Glenn. You know, there there. I was never there there. But I told lots of people they should vote for Glenn, okay? And you know what? Most people don’t like Glenn. But he’s a wonderful guy, okay? Most people don’t like him but he’s a wonderful guy. Okay? Tall, rich, like my sons. Glenn, you’re like my son.

Glenn Youngkin: Please don’t say that.

Donald Trump: Well, you know what? Glen is a wonderful guy but these PC folks, oh my god. They don’t like him. They don’t like him at all. You know what? Can I get 60 more seconds please? These PC folks, they don’t like everything. These PC folks you can’t please them at all. They don’t even like Chris Pratt as Mario. And you know what? I’m very close with Mario, very close with Luigi. Our wives play golf together. They play Mario golf together. And peach is a very close friend of mine. Peach is added on but Peach is so great. And with the Toads by the way, I do great with the Toads. I do great. You know, the mushroom people? The Toad people? A lot of em’ came out in the last election. And the Toads love Chris Pratt. Toads love Chris Pratt. And his Mario is gonna do a lot better than that awful Eternals movie. I tell you that, it’s a lot better than Eternals. You know what? With Eternals, it was too diverse. It was too diverse and no one wants to see that. The movie is rotten. Just ask the tomatoes. Just ask the tomatoes, it’s rotten. And you can’t even get tomatoes anymore because of this awful shipping nightmare that we’ve got with slow Joe Biden. And you know what? This is true. Glenn, excuse me. Glenn, excuse me. This is true. You know what? Guy came up to me the other day. Big guy, bigger than anything. Tears in his eyes, and he says, “Sir, many name is Santa Claus and Christmas is cancelled. Christmas is cancelled, sir.” And I said, “We’re not gonna let that happen, Santa.” And that’s why I asked him to give Virginia to Glenn Youngkin. I asked him to do that. We did it. We did it together because it’s a great country. Santa did it because he loves America, and he loves Trump. Right Glenn?

Jeanine Pirro: Wow, Mr. President. You’re a genius, a patriot, one handsome mountain of a man. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Science Room with Jason Sudeikis

Mr. Teacher… Jason Sudeikis

Lonnie… Cecily Strong

Josh… Mikey Day

Father… Kyle Mooney

Mother… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with the show intro]

Female voice: The PBS learning afternoon. Up next, an all new science room.

[cut to Mr. Teacher standing in front of a huge periodic table]

Mr. Teacher: You know, I don’t study this table all the time. Just periodically. Hey there, future scientists. Welcome to the Science Room. I’m your host Mr. Teacher and today I’m being joined by two junior volunteers, Lonnie and Josh. How are you guys doing today?

Josh: Good.

Lonnie: Bad.

[They both are acting awkward]

Mr. Teacher: Hey, don’t worry. I’m nervous too. Okie, dokie. So, today, we are learning gravity.  [Lonnie and Josh start clapping] Yeah. And to do so, we are going to use this model. [Mr. Teacher picks up a solar system model. Lonnie and Josh start clapping] Yeah. Now, who knows what this is?

Lonnie: Balls.

Mr. Teacher: Um, yes, they are. But this is actually a model of our solar system. And these aren’t just balls. They’re actually planets. [Lonnie and Josh start clapping] You know, I love your enthusiasm but you guys don’t have to clap after everything I say. Okay? Now, Josh, can you point the planet earth on this model? [Josh points at the sun] No, no, Josh. That’s the sun. [Lonnie and Josh start clapping] No, no, don’t clap Lonnie. Stop, stop. Remmeber? Josh is wrong here. We’re not applauding anymore. Right? Let’s remember that. Lonnie, why don’t you help Josh out? Why don’t you please point to planet earth? [Lonnie holds the sun] No, did you not just see? No. Look, earth is right here. [Lonnie and Josh start clapping] No, no, no. Stop. Stop.

Lonnie: Sorry.

Mr. Teacher: No, don’t apologize. Just don’t do it anymore. Then you don’t have to apologize. You don’t do it, you don’t apologize.

Josh: Okay.

Mr. Teacher: Okay, good. Okay, now gravity is the principle that all things with mass are attracted to one another. And gravity is– [Lonnie and Josh start playing with the solar system model] Don’t mess with them. Don’t mess with them. You don’t have to mess with them. Gravity is what makes our planets– No, stop. Stop touching it. It makes our planets orbit around the sun. Knock it off, okay? Stop! They orbit around the sun because– I swear to god! Because sun is a large– Okay, you know what? Stop! How about this? Let’s do this. Let’s just name some of the planets, okay? Now this one right here, what’s this?

Lonnie: A ball.

Mr. Teacher: No, Lonnie. No. Remember they’re planets, okay? Remember? Okay? This is planet…

Lonnie: Hollywood?

Mr. Teacher: No. Josh. It’s next to the sun. It’s very hot.

Josh: Oh. Phoenix?

Mr. Teacher: No. That’s a city in Arizona.

Josh: Oh, Tempi?

Mr. Teacher: No, forget it. Okay? You know what? Let’s just move on. Are you guys okay? Like, emotionally? Everything okay? [Lonnie an Josh nod their heads] Alright. Just checking. Let’s talk about gravity’s relationship with matter. Josh, what is matter?

Josh: Nothing, I’m good.

Mr. Teacher: No, no, no. Josh. I didn’t ask what’s the matter. I asked what is matter?

Josh: Um, black lives?

Mr. Teacher: No! No, no, no.

Lonnie: All lives?

Mr. Teacher: No. Not all lives. No! Matter is any substance that takes up space.

Lonnie: Oh, like the balls?

Mr. Teacher: No! Not like the balls. They’re not balls. Okay, stop it. Just ignore the balls.

Lonnie: My sister said you should never ignore the balls.

Mr. Teacher: Don’t. Don’t.

Lonnie: My sister said the guy likes it.

Mr. Teacher: Stop. Okay? Stop. Don’t say that. Okay, alright. You know what? Let’s do this. Let’s just move on. We’re gonna do a little experiment to illustrate gravity.

Lonnie: Oh, more balls.

Josh: Yeah.

Mr. Teacher: Stop. No. Look, this is– If I let go of this metal ball right here, what will happen? It will fall…

Josh: In love?

Mr. Teacher: Go to hell. Go to hell, Josh. No. If I drop this heavy ass metal ball, it will drop…

Lonnie: It like it’s hot?

Mr. Teacher: Guys! If I let go of this thing, it will smash…

Josh: That subscribe button?

Mr. Teacher: That’s enough! [throws the ball] Who is in charge of you two? Who is in charge of these two kids? You two, come here. Get out here. Come here. Right here.

[Father and Mother walk in] Who are you?

Father: I’m Josh’s father.

Mr. Teacher: Josh’s father. Okay, well, guess what, sir? You have done a horrible job. Shame on you. You hear me? Yeah. Say you’re sorry. Say it.

Father: I’m sorry.

Mr. Teacher: Alright. Thank you. And who are you, lady?

Mother: I’m Lony’s mom, Lisa.

Mr. Teacher: Lony? I’ve been calling her Lonnie the whole damn time. Lony? You didn’t speak up for yourself? Your name is Lony? Okay, well Lisa, you failed as a mother in every way with this child. Every possible way. Now both of ya, scram! Get the hell out of here. Let’s go. Let’s go. Lisa, let’s go. Beat it. No, not in front of the camera, you jack ass. Move, dummy! Go away! I will kick your ass. Get out of here.

 

Annie

Annie… Melissa Villaseñor

Golly… Cecily Strong

Ricky… Jason Sudeikis

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: We now return to the feel good orphan musical, Annie.

[Annie arrives at her new home]

Annie: Wow, wee. I can’t believe this is Mr. Warbuck’s house. It’s so much bigger than the orphanage.

Golly: Well, Mr. Warbucks is the richest man in America. But it’s not just his house anymore, Annie. Now, it’s your house too. And I may be getting ahead of myself but…

[singing] I think you’re gonna like it here

[house cleaners and helpers walk in dancing]

Annie: Golly, who are all these people?

Golly: Staff of course. They’re here to meet your every need.

Ms. May will clean up all your toys.

Ms. May: Make as big of a mess as you want.

Golly: Ms. Fink will make your bed each day.

Ms. Fink: It will be my pleasure.

Golly: Chef Pat is here to cook your meals.

Chef Pat: I’m thinking Lobster Thermidor.

Golly: And we don’t know what Ricky does.

Ricky: Ay, look. I can’t talk about it. Alright? Go someone else.

Golly: Ms. Fin will teach you how to read.

Ms. Fin: You’ll be excellent student.

Golly: Ms. Cob will teach you how to write.

Ms. Cob: You’ll be in shape in no time.

Ricky: And I’m not a creep or anything like that
Hey, welcome to the mansion. Have a tootsie roll.

Annie: I think I’m gonna like it here. Thanks, mister.

Golly: No, no, no. Don’t eat that. What are you doing?

Ricky: I don’t know. I got worried that the kid would think I’m a creep or somthing.

Golly: So you gave her candy from your pocket?

Ricky: Yeah. Look, kid, there’s a simple reason I can’t sing about what I do for Mr. Warbucks. Okay? And the reason is it’s illegal.

Annie: What’s illegal?

Ricky: Has he got money? Not much. You know. Anyway, I’ll get out of her.

Golly: Yeah, please do.

Ms. May will teach you how to swim

Annie: Ms. May?

Ms. May: I clean and swim.

Golly: Ms. Fink will comb your hair each night.

Annie: You will?

Ms. Fink: Yeah, whatever. But you know, since it came up, I would like some answers about what you do here, Ricky.

Ricky: Ah, sweetheart, let’s let sleeping dogs lie, yes?

Ms. Fink: No, no, no. We’ve been intimate with each other. For three, four last time. So talk.

Ricky: I mean, no. Come on. Let’s keep the focus on Amy.

Golly: No. Her name is Annie.

Ricky: Nobody cares, okay? Look, guys, it’s no big deal, okay? Mr. Warbucks and some of his rich friends have a little club, right? Okay? And I provide a service for that club, and in return he pays me 20,000 Gs a week.

Golly: What?

Ms. May: Good god. What the hell kind of club is this, Ricky?

Ricky: It’s nothing. Anyway, [singing] I think you’re gonna love this house.

Let the kid sing. Go on, Amy. Sing.

Annie: Used to room in a tomb, where I’d sit and freeze
look me now, holy cow–

Golly: [interrupting] Sorry, Annie, to break in. I think we’re all uncomfortable. We’d like to know more about this club and what you do for them.

Ricky: Christ! Okay, here’s how it is. Mr. Warbucks and his pals get together every month and have a ceremony where they eat a very rare, very expensive type of meat. I provide that meat.

Annie: Oh god. Are they eating–

Ricky: No, no, no. It’s not what you think, okay? It’s people. They’re already gone, okay? When I get them. Alright? And their families are paid very handsomely for their troubles.

Chef Pat: That’s what I’ve been cooking? I thought that was pork.

Annie: Pork? Yummy! I’d sure like to try that.

Golly: No, no, no.

Ricky: Amy, that’s not for you. Okay. Finish up the song. It’s a great song. I love it.

Golly: Okay. Thank you. Okay. We will.

Golly: We’ve never had a little girl.

Ricky: And neither has Warbucks and his pals, okay? He’s never eaten a kid, okay? All he’s eaten is adult meat. It’s part of a ritual.

All: We have but one request

Ricky: Don’t look in the freezer

All: I think you’re gonna like it her

[Mr. Warbucks walks in]

Mr. Warbucks: My home is your home, Annie. Are we all set for the feast, Ricky?

Ricky: Oh, yeah.

Mr. Warbucks: And what will we be eating?

Ricky: Your choice, sir. Italian or Greek?

Mr. Warbucks: Let’s have both. Right this way, gentlemen.

[Four adults wearing masks walk in]

Superhosts

Melissa Villaseñor

Brad… Mikey Day

Lexi… Cecily Strong

Tobi… Rami Malek

[Starts with Melissa and Brad getting inside their Airbnb apartment]

Melissa: Wow, babe. This Airbnb is really nice.

Brad: Yeah, it is. I love all the exposed beams and tongue-and-groove woodwork.

Melissa: Brad, you’re straight, right?

Brad: Ha-ha.

Melissa: No, seriously. I just need to hear you say it once.

[Lexi and Rami walk in]

Lexi: Hi. Knock knock.

Rami: Hello.

Lexi: Hi. It’s your Airbnb hosts. I’m Lexi.

Rami: And I’m Tobi with an I.

Melissa: Oh, we didn’t know you were coming by.

Lexi: Yeah. We just want to make sure you got in okay.

Rami: Or if you need recommendations on where to go on the area like outside, or in here. I just wanted you to be happy.

Brad: Oh, cool. Yeah, I think we’re good so far.

Rami: We’re trying to become super hosts.

Lexi: Yeah, yeah, it’s an Airbnb thing. If you get enough great reviews, you get a little badge on your profile.

Rami: And people see the badge and they go, “Ooh! They got a badge!”

Melissa: Well, so far everything is great.

Rami: Oh, good. And I hope it’s okay but we looked at your Instagram and we saw a picture of you eating pizza, so we got you guys one.

Lexi: Yes! And it’s pepperoni, like in the picture.

Brad: Yeah! I guess so. Yeah! Cool.

Rami: We also saw another picture where you had a little psoriasis. So, we got you this medicated body wash.

Melissa: Oh, okay.

Lexi: Yeah. Also, I saw in one of your posts you had a blue shirt. So, we got you these blue pants.

Brad: Okay.

Rami: Well, they’re actually for both of you.

Melissa: Oh, we’ll be sure to both wear these.

Lexi: Sorry. We just– We want you to love the house as much as we do.

Rami: Yeah. This is where we lost our virginity at each other.

Brad: I’m sorry. ‘At’ each other? How long have you guys lived here?

Rami: A week. And after you guys check out, we’re gonna try again.

Lexi: It really hurt him.

Rami: It was hell of painful. For me.

Melissa: Well, thank you so much for everything, but we’re kind of tired.

Rami: Oh, okay. That is definitely code for “Get these serial killers out of here so we can start our own vacation”.

Lexi: [to Rami] We’re not serial killers. Don’t tell them we’re serial killers. You’re scaring them, Josh.

Brad: Oh. Weren’t you Tobi with an I?

Rami: Ha-ha. Anyway, if you have any questions at all, just call us.

Melissa: Yeah, I do have one question. What is that painting on the mantel. [There’s nude painting of Melissa and Brad on the wall]

Lexi: Oh, of your bodies?

Brad: Yeah! The one of us and our exposed bodies.

Rami: Ah! That was supposed to be your checkout gift.

Lexi: Oh, sorry, we’re trying to get that badge.

Melissa: And you did a nude of our dog too? [there’s a picture of a dog on the wall]

Brad: Oh my god!

Rami: Yeah you’re welcome.

Lexi: Oh, and guys, just FYI, the wifi here isn’t great, so we left you some porno mags in the bathroom.

Rami: Yeah, and don’t you worry. They’re the kind you like.

Lexi: Yeah. If you need anything else at all, just call us like this…

Lexi and Rami: [yelling] Hey you guys!

Brad: Alright. Please leave.

Lexi: I’m sorry. You know what? We just really want to be super hosts. Okay, how can we make it up to you?

Rami: Oh, should I play guitar while you unpack?

Brad: Oh, no, no. That’s fine.

Melissa: Well, we can hear a little bit.

Rami: Oh, that’s so nice of you. [gets a guitar then thinks] Oh no, I forgot how. Sorry.

Brad: Okay. I think we got it from here.

Lexi: Oh! Last thing, there’s fresh sheets in the closet for two days from now.

Brad: What do you mean two days from now?

Rami: Oh, we just know how you guys are always too tired for sex on the first night of vacation. So, you get really nasty the next night.

Brad: Dude! What the hell! How do you guys know this?

Lexi: From Instagram.

Brad: We don’t post that on Instagram.

Rami: Well, we infer based on your faces in previous vacation photos. You smile way more on day three.

Brad: My god. Why are you guys doing this?

Rami: Ah! Okay, fine. You want the truth? We saw you on Instagram a month ago and we thought you were cool.

Lexi: We were on the hashtag for #pizza and we saw your pepperoni pizza posts and thought you’d make good friends.

Rami: So, we sold our house and we built this one to make it an Airbnb.

Brad: Why didn’t you just rent your old place.

Lexi: Ha-ha-ha.

Rami: You see? This is exactly why we need you guys around.

Lexi: To keep us from doing stupid stuff.

Melissa: It’s okay, guys. I actually think it’s pretty sweet. We’ve never had anyone do a painting of us and that’s worth five stars in my book.

Rami: Wow.

Lexi: Thank you.

Rami: Speaking of book, don’t forget to sign our guest book.

Brad: Yeah, of course. [opens the guest book] It just says “Run”.

Lexi and Rami: Yeah, we’re serial killers.

[Lexi and Rami raise their fists]

Lexi: Oh, no. We forgot our knives.

Rami: We’re so bad at this.

Lexi: You guys, stay right there. We’ll be right back. Don’t move.

Football Press Conference Cold Open

PR… Cecily Strong

Roger Goodell… Colin Jost

Jon Gruden… James Austin Johnson

Mark Davis… Alex Moffat

Larry Rucker… Pete Davidson

Equipment Manager… Andrew Dismukes

Cheerleader… Heidi Gardner

Giuseppe… Kyle Mooney

Colin Kaepernick… Chris Redd

Lavar Burton… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with NFL show intro]

Male voice: And now, a message from the National Football League.

[Cut to PR at the podium of press conference.]

[cheers and applause]

PR: Good evening. Good evening. I am ‘prefers to remain anonymous’ and I handle public relations for the NFL. So, if anyone wants to switch jobs, let me know. Now, I’d like to bring up the commissioner to address this week’s scandal. This is not the NFL draft but it’s still okay to boo him. Roger Goodell.

[Roger Goodell walks in]

[Audience booing]

Roger Goodell: You don’t really have to boo. Good evening. Hi, I’m Roger Goodell and when you see me on TV, it’s never good. This time, one of our coaches is accused of racism, misogyny and homophobia. But hey, at least no one’s talking about concussions. I think we can all agree emails sent by the Raiders’ coach Jon Gruden were horrifying and deeply offensive, specially to me. I was referred to as the F word, the P word, the C word, the R word, the F’ing R word, and the F’ing R word P word. And once weirdly I was called a DILF. That was kind of sweet. But I assure you all 32 teams in our league understand that diversity is our strength. And I know our black coaches would agree. Both of them. Now coach Gruden has asked to say a few words. I said, “Bad idea.”  But he got on his knees and begged and you know how much I hate seeing someone kneel. So, let’s hear it one more time for coach Gruden.

[Jon Gruden walks in]

Jon Gruden: Thank you, Roger. And I’m sorry to all the Raiders fans out there. I hope you won’t judge me on one email I sent 10 years ago, or the 20 emails I sent last Tuesday. But I promise I don’t have a racist bone in my body. When I called an African American player ‘darker than a night with no stars’, that wasn’t racial. I was referring to sense of humor which is extremely dark and edgy. Like that show ‘Louie’ on FX. Hey, when’s the next season coming out? Also called the commissioner gay F word like a hundred times. Yes.

Now, this sounds like a stretch, but if you’ve ever got burned by auto correct. Hear me out. So, I’m a bit of a naval buff and I often send my friends emails about frigates, which are warships. I’ll say, “Look at that flaming frigate!” That’s when a warship’s on fire. Or, “That dumb ass frigate can S my D.” That’s about a warship performing oral sex on another warship. You get it! My point is I never meant to hurt anyone. I meant to hurt them secretly behind their backs. But appearances matter. So, I’ll turn it over to a guy who’s all about appearances, Las Vegas Raiders owner, Mark Davis.

[Mark Davis walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Mark Davis: Hi, folks. Mark Davis here. Or as my players call me, the botched circumcision. Okay. Look, guys, what coach Gruden did was disgraceful. But we need to do better. Okay? we need to as I always tell my barber, air higher! [pointing at his haircut] And trust me, I’ve heard all the jokes about my hair and how it looks like Donald Trump’s haircut gave me a haircut. But we’re making this right and moving on. So, I’m gonna turn it over to our new head coach, Larry ‘don’t make me do this’ Rucker.

[Larry Rucker walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Larry Rucker: Hey, guys. Thank you. It is an honor to take over this storied franchise and a real shame that I have to immediately resign. They just found my emails too. And they are so much worse than the old coaches. I put the F word in the subject line. I started an email chain called, “Hey, let’s rank the racists.” And I responded to all of coach Gruden’s emails, “LOL, this is so true and funny! You the man, Gruden!”

Anyway, thank you and I look forward to joining ESPN in three months.

[Equipment Manager walks in]

Equipment Manager: Okay. Hi. Hi, everyone. I was the equipment manager five minutes ago, then someone just pushed me on stage and whispered, “You the coach now.” So, let me say this. Las Vegas will not tolerate misogyny of any kind. Never has, never will. I will vouch for the entire city on that. Also, I’m resigning immediately. I see reporters digging through my old tweets and that will not end well for me. I never should have dressed up as Jackie Chan for Halloween, but 2019 was a different era. Thank you and I’ll throw it over to the new chairman of Women’s Relations for the NFL, a cheerleader for the Washington football team.

[Cheerleader walks in]

Cheerleader: Whoo! Thank you. Thank you. I just like my team don’t have a name. And I just want to say the emails Jon Gruden sent to our organization do not reflect the values of our team. A team that until a year ago was called the Red Skins. I also wanna say to women who fell offended by the emails, lighten up! They’re funny! You guys, it was a meme of the first female referee and she was thinking, “Wait a minute, this isn’t my kitchen!” That was funny! Just laugh!

And now, to smooth everything over, I’d like to introduce out new mascot. We’ve made a lot of progress because now, we’re using white stereotypes. Please welcome Giuseppe, the stinky Italian.

[Giuseppe walks in with his mascot costume on]

Giuseppe: Ay! [speaks loudly in English with Italian accent] That’s right. We Italians make our meatballs and do the pizza. [being emotional] I am so sorry. This don’t feel right.

[Giuseppe walks out]

[Colin Kaepernick walks in]

Colin Kaepernick: Speaking of not right, hah! I’m Colin Kaepernick. [cheers and applause] Well, so much stuff coming out about the NFL is maybe racist kind of. Hah! I wonder if anyone tried to warn people about this before! I’m scratching my head trying to remember who said that. Scratch, scratch! It’s almost like that’s the reason they banned me from the league.

[Mark Davis walks in]

Mark Davis: Ha-ha. I don’t know. Maybe it was just your weird haircut. [Colin Kaepernick looks at Mark Davis in anger.] But good news, I think we may have found a solution that makes everyone happy. Someone even Twitter can get behind. Introducing our new head coach, Lavar Burton.

[Lavar Burton walks in]

Lavar Burton: Alright. Thank you very much. Alright. Suck on that, Mayim Bialik. I am the supreme football host now. I’ll take offense for 300. What is a handoff? I’m genuinely asking. I’m a theater kid, you know.

Mark Davis: Ha-ha-ha. This guy. So yes, NFL is gonna be just fine. Take us out, Levar.

[music playing]

Lavar Burton: [singing] Field goal in the sky, 
I am the head coach guy
Just take a look
in the play book
we’re playing football

Mark Davis: We’re playing football

Colin Kaepernick: They’re not playing football

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Angelo

Lance… Daniel Craig

Cecily Strong

Angelo… Aristotle Athari

Todd… Rami Malek

[Starts with Lance and Cecily sitting at a table to watch a show by Angelo]

Cecily: I can’t believe we’re here. My friends have been trying to get tickets or months. How did you get them?

Lance: Well, let’s just say, baby, I know the right people and I spent a ridiculously large amount of money on this.

Cecily: Well, however you did it, you made my year. I can’t believe we’re gonna see Angelo.

Lance: Yeah. I’ve never heard of him, but I know you’re dying to see him. So, let’s just–

Cecily: Because he’s amazing. The review in the Times said “He takes you on his spectacular musical journey”. Apparently, like, all he needs is one word and songs just flow out of him.

Lance: Right. One word?

Male voice: Ladies and gentlemen, international singing sensation, Angelo.

[Angelo is sitting legs crossed on a stool on stage]

Angelo: Hello, everybody. Can I get a one word please.

Cecily: [to Lance] Go ahead, Lance.

Lance: Oh, okay. Um, bicycle.

Angelo: Say for me?

Lance: Bicycle.

Angelo: Um, say– Say for me?

Lance: [slowly and loudly] Bicycle.

Angelo: Bar-far-bas. [music starts playing]

[singing] If I lie to me like this
[gibberish] like that
if I ever said [gibberish] tonight

Thank you for this.

[cheers and applause]

Cecily: I mean, can you believer he just created that beautiful song on the spot?

Lance: I guess. I mean, I didn’t hear him singing about bicycles but–

Cecily: Shh! Here we go.

Angelo: Can I get another word please?

Cecily: Go ahead, Lance, do it.

Lance: What? Me again?

Cecily: He has one. Yeah.

Lance: Okay. Let’s see. Um, a banana.

Angelo: Say for me?

Lance: Banana.

Angelo: Say– Say for me?

Lance: [slowly and loudly] Banana.

Angelo: Barfa-bala-vas.

Lance: No. That’s not what I said.

Angelo: [singing] If I ever sing like that for me
another lie [gibberish]
if I ever say that like this for me tonight

Thank you so much for this.

[cheers and applause]

Lance: So, is this always what he does?

Cecily: I know. It’s amazing. Right?

Lance: I mean, I can’t really understand him.

Cecily: Because he’s not from this country, Lance.

Lance: Well, I’m not from this country and you understand me.

Cecily: No, I don’t.

Angelo: And now I bring dance for this.

[A guy awkwardly walks in]

Cecily: Oh my god, it’s Todd.

Lance: Who’s Todd?

Cecily: I read about him. He’s what’s next in dance.

Lance: Uh-huh.

[Angelo and Todd awkwardly talking to each other]

Angelo: Tell them to get one word for dance.

Todd: Yes. Yes. Just one word.

Angelo: Please.

Todd: One word.

[Cecily is looking at Lance]

Lance: Me again? Um, alright. Um, road trip.

Angelo and Todd: Say for us?

Lance: Road trip.

Angelo and Todd: Say for us?

Lance: Oh, come on! [shouting] Road trip!

Angelo and Todd: Ros-Paresca.

Angelo: [singing] If I ever sing like to sing this for me
another lie [gibberish]
if I ever say to me like that tonight

Dance please.

[Todd is just awkwardly moving right and left]

Thank you for this.

[cheers and applause]

Cecily: Tell me. Angelo and Todd on our first night. All the stars have aligned for us.

Lance: Are you sure? I mean, Todd seems a little bit nervous.

Cecily: Lance, they’re telling their story.

Lance: Right! Right!

Cecily: It’s about coming here from a war torn country.

Lance: Where are you getting that? I didn’t get anything. What country?

Angelo: Country, um, Marca-ka-pa-be-sa.

Lance: Alright, you know, that’s not a real place.

Cecily: Hey, we talked about this.

Lance: Alright.

Cecily: We need to go into the new situations with an open heart.

Lance: Yeah, I’m trying. I’m just, you know.

Angelo: Another word for once.

Todd: One word.

Lance: Alright. You know what? Fine. Fine! Fine! Try this. Mesothelioma.

Angelo and Todd: Mesothelioma.

Lance: Well, I– Yeah, they got it. That’s quite impressive I suppose.

Cecily: Why? Why is that impressive, Lance?

Lance: Well, I–

[Todd has two ribbons on his both arms now]

Angelo: [singing] If I ever sing lie to me in this life [gibberish]
if I never say like this night tonight

Lance: Wow, now he’s got ribbons. Ribbons. That’s– I mean, that’s beautiful with the ribbons.

Angelo: [singing] I wanna know what love is

Angelo and Todd: I want you to show me [gibberish]

Lance: That’s good. That’s good. Ladies and gentlemen, Angelo and Todd.

Lotto Drawing

Jim Bullock… Kenan Thompson

Wendy DiMichael… Aidy Bryant

Felix Cruz… Chris Redd

Shonda… Kim Kardashian

Ronda… Cecily Strong

Diana Ross… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with WEJJ Channel 7 Eyewitness News intro]

[Cut to Jim Bullock and Wendy DiMichael in their news set]

Jim Bullock: Welcome back to Channel 7 Eyewitness News, “You news it, you lose it!” Still working on that slogan.

Wendy DiMichael: I prefer mine. “News: It’s what happened recently.”

Jim Bullock: In just a minute, we’ll throw it over to Felix Cruz with sports.

Felix Cruz: I got all the scores for you baby, except baseball and football.

Jim Bullock: But first, it’s the live drawing of tonight’s power ball lotto jackpot.

Wendy DiMichael: Let’s go to Shonda at the lottery headquarters.

[Cut to Shonda]

Shonda: And I’m Shonda. And the first ball up is three. The next is seven. The next is nine. And the last is ‘J’. Making tonight’s winning numbers 3-7-9-J. Back to you, Jim.

Jim Bullock: Shonda, I don’t think there’s supposed to be letters in the lotto drawing.

Wendy DiMichael: Yeah. Give us a second on that. In the meantime, let’s go to Ronda with the numbers for tonight’s double play.

Ronda: And thank you. I’m Ronda. Tonight’s double play jackpot is money. And first ball up is three. The next is 4000. The next is blank. And the last is Milwaukee Bucks. Making tonight’s winning numbers 3-4000-blank-Milwaukee Bucks. Back to you, Jim.

Jim Bullock: The numbers aren’t supposed to go above 10.

Wendy DiMichael: Yeah. And was there a blank in there?

Jim Bullock: I also think that one of the balls from the NBA draft might have gotten mixed in. Maybe there’s an issue with the tubes feeding the balls up?

Wendy DiMichael: Well, let’s go back to Shonda who I’m told has the correct numbers this time. Shonda.

Shonda: And I’m Shonda. And you’re watching lotteries. The first ball up is three. The next is meatball. The next is meatball. And the last is bread. Making tonight’s lucky numbers, 3-meatball-meatball-bread. Back to you, Jim.

Jim Bullock: Okay, those are the ingredients of a meatball hero.

Wendy DiMichael: Yeah, that’s what I ordered for lunch.

Jim Bullock: Maybe the lottery tube got switched with the tube from the Deli?

Wendy DiMichael: So, delis use tubes?

Jim Bullock: Just trying to piece this together in real time, Wendy. Why don’t we go back to Ronda who has the correct double play numbers?

Ronda: I sure do, Ronda. I’m Ronda. Good luck to all of you out there and me.

Wendy DiMichael: Oh. I don’t think you’re supposed to play.

Ronda: And the first ball up is cellphone. The next is car keys.

Jim Bullock: Oh god, now it’s just stuff from my dressing room.

Ronda: The next is wallet. And the last is condoms. Making tonight’s winning numbers cellphone-car keys-wallet-condoms. Back to you, Jim.

Jim Bullock: Thank you, Ronda.

Wendy DiMichael: You bring condoms to work?

Jim Bullock: I think those were just lollipops with sticks broken off.

Felix Cruz: Hey, I got an update for you. Lottery lady – one, Jim – zero. Ha-ha-ha.

Jim Bullock: Dumb! Why don’t you focus on getting football and baseball?

Felix Cruz: They won’t tell me the scorers.

Wendy DiMichael: Alright. I’m being told that a repair man is fixing the tubes as we speak. So, Shonda should be ready now with the real numbers. Shonda?

Shonda: And I’m still Shonda. The first ball up is screwdriver. The next is mustache. The next is finger. And the last is blood. Making tonight’s winning numbers screwdriver-mustache-finger-blood. Back to you, Jim.

Jim Bullock: Oh my god!

Wendy DiMichael: I know. She only throws back to you. What about “Back to you Jim and Wendy”?

Jim Bullock: You’re pointing that out now?

Felix Cruz: I got another update for you. Tubes – one, repair man – zero. Ha-ha-ha.

Jim Bullock: Dumb! Let’s take a break and sort this out. And hey, our apologies to Diana Ross ho has been sitting here patiently in the studio.

Diana Ross: Screwdriver-mustache-finger-blood. I won!

[Cut to outro]

Male voice: Channel 7 Eyewitness News. “News: It’s what’s happened recently.”

Jasmine and Aladdin

Aladdin… Pete Davidson

Jasmine… Kim Kardashian

Jourtney… Cecily Strong

Ezekiel Elliott… Kenan Thompson

Genie… Bowen Yang

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: You’re watching the Disney channel. We now return to the 1992 Aladdin when Aladdin was still white.

[Cut to Aladdin with Jasmine flying on his carpet.]

Aladdin: Wow. From up here, we can see the entire middle east where I’m from.

Jasmine: This is so beautiful, Aladdin. I’ve never got to see what it’s like outside of the palace. But it’s even better seeing it with you.

Aladdin: Jasmine, there’s something I need to tell you.

Jasmine: What? What’s the matter? Do you feel self-conscious because I’m the daughter of the sultan and you’re just a low street rat?

Aladdin: Oh, I think street rat might be a slur but okay. It’s not that.

Jasmine: Are you intimidated that I’m friends with a ton of wealthy celebrities and your only friend is a monkey?

Aladdin: Again, not nice. But it’s something else. Jasmine, as we start getting more intimate, I’m just a little concerned that physically I can’t handle you.

Jasmine: What do you mean?

Aladdin: I mean that if we go all the way, you might break me. My thing might just break.

Jasmine: Don’t be silly.

Aladdin: I wish I was being silly. But look at us. You’re a lot of woman and I’m so frail because all I eat is stolen bread.

Jasmine: Aladdin, relax. I really like you. I really do.

Aladdin: And I really like you too. I want to do everything with you. See the world and laugh together and sing songs and do sex.

Jasmine: I wouldn’t call it doing sex.

Aladdin: I’m just– I’m worried that if I try to go in, I might not make it in all the way there.

Jasmine: Aladdin, don’t worry. I’m sure you’re more than enough man for me.

Aladdin: Ah! Thanks, Jasmine. Hey, out of curiosity, what were your other boyfriends like?

Jasmine: Well, I guess I dated a few athletes and some rappers, and I dated the king of Uganda for a while and that was crazy.

[Aladdin fake laughing]

[Jourtney and Ezekiel Elliott come near Aladdin and Jasmine flying on their own carpet. Ezekiel Elliott is holding a football.]

Jourtney: Oh, hey, Jasmine. Cool carpet.

Jasmine: Hey, Jourtney. [to Aladdin] That’s my sister, Jourtney. We all have ‘J’ names.

Jourtney: And this is my new boyfriend, Ezekiel Elliott, of the Dallas Cowboys.

Ezekiel Elliott: What’s up, Jasmine? Ay, little dude! Jasmine taking you on a little carpet ride for your little birthday?

Aladdin: You don’t have to say little in front of everything. It’s actually my carpet.

Ezekiel Elliott: Oh, that’s nice. Little guy’s got his own little carpet.

Jourtney: You like sports, little guy?

Ezekiel Elliott: Ay, you want autographed ball for your little birthday?

Aladdin: I don’t. I mean, sure. Yeah. Actually, yeah.

Ezekiel Elliott: What is it? Al-ladda? You know what? I’ma just put little Al. [signs the ball and passes it to Aladdin. Aladdin misses the catch.] There you go, buddy.

Jourtney: Oh, his tiny hands dropped the ball.

Ezekiel Elliott: Oh! Bye, Jasmine. Bye, little Al.

Jourtney and Ezekiel Elliott: Whee! [Jourtney and Ezekiel Elliott fly away]

Jasmine: Okay, now, where were we?

Aladdin: Jasmine, I don’t think I can do this. I mean, I want to but when you sat on my lap the other day, I think you could feel how much wanted to.

Jasmine: Oh. I thought that was just a roll of life savers.

Aladdin: Alright. That’s it. Genie, please, Genie.

[Genie appears]

Genie: You summoned?

Aladdin: Yeah. I’m ready to use my third wish.

Genie: Oh wow. The one you were saving to set me free?

Aladdin: Yeah, we’re gonna scrap that. You see, I want you to make me like pinocchio, but like, down there.

Jasmine: You don’t have to wish for that.

Genie: It’s fine. They always promise me freedom but at the end of the day, it’s always bigger penis. As you wish!

[Aladdin looks at his penis]

Aladdin: Oh! Wow! Thanks, Genie. Check it out, Jasmine.

Jasmine: Wow, that is better. Even though it’s the wrong color. But you really didn’t have to do that. I mean, I like you just the way you are. Now, are you gonna kiss me or not?

Aladdin: I sure am, Jasmine.

[Aladdin kisses Jasmine]

[looks at his penis again] Move over, king of Uganda! Oh, no! He didn’t give me balls!

Genie: [singing] A whole new world

Facebook Hearings Cold Open

Mr. Blumenthal… Mikey Day

Frances Haugen… Heidi Gardner

Dianne Feinstein… Cecily Strong

John Kennedy… Kyle Mooney

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Lindsey Graham… James Austin Johnson

Cory Booker… Chris Redd

Mark Zuckerberg… Alex Moffat

Tom… Pete Davidson

[Starts with channel show schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching C-SPAN on the Saturday night. Wow. We now return to coverage of the Facebook Hearings In Congress.

[Cut to the hearing]

[cheers and applause]

Mr. Blumenthal: Once again, I would like to thank the Facebook whistleblower for coming forward.

Frances Haugen: Thank you. It’s nice to be in an office with no skateboards.

Mr. Blumenthal: Now, my colleagues are eager to ask you questions about the inner workings of Facebook and Instagram. The chair recognizes senator Feinstein of California.

Dianne Feinstein: Ms. Haugen, I applaud your testimony here today. What Facebook has done is disgraceful and you better believe congress will be taking action… right after we pass the infrastructure bill, raise the debt ceiling, prosecute those responsible for the January 6th insurrection and stop Trump from using executive privilege even though he’s no longer president. After all that, you watch out Facebook!

Frances Haugen: Well, as a former Facebook engineer, I’m here today because I have seen first hand how Facebook products harm children, stoke division and weaken our democracy.

Dianne Feinstein: I appreciate that. My question is I have 2000 friends on Facebook. Is that good?

Frances Haugen: Is it good?

Dianne Feinstein: Like, is that a lot? 2000 sounds like a lot. How many does Drake have? 4000?

Frances Haugen: I think he has like, 50 million.

Dianne Feinstein: Oh my god. No wonder he never answered my poke.

Mr. Blumenthal: Thank you, senator Feinstein. The chair recognizes senator Kennedy of Louisiana.

John Kennedy: Ms. Haugen, you’ve told us a lot of disturbing information about this so called ‘Algorithm’. I just wanna clear up a few points. Where is it?

Frances Haugen: The algorithm?

John Kennedy: Yes. Do you have it with you now?

Frances Haugen: No. But there are algorithms in all our phones and computers.

John Kennedy: Not mine. I got a JitterBug flip phone. Only lets me call my son or the hospital. Now, exactly how big is this algorithm? Stop me when I get there. [John Kennedy shows a gap between his two palms to show the size of algorithm.]

Frances Haugen: Please stop.

John Kennedy: Woo-whii! That’s pretty big. No further questions.

Mr. Blumenthal: Senator Cruz from Texas.

Ted Cruz: Yes. I was particularly drawn to your testimony about bullying online, how some teenagers and even some adult man are bullied almost constantly.

Frances Haugen: It’s very disturbing.

Ted Cruz: So, I’m wondering how do you turn off that feature on Facebook where everyone comments on all your posts and says you’re bad and they hate you.

Frances Haugen: Well, there’s an option to turn off comments.

Ted Cruz: [taking notes] Okay. Excellent. Now, I’m also concerned about the toxic extremist groups you mentioned. I’ve seen groups with hateful names like “Ted Cruz sucks” or “Ted Cruz is the real zodiac killer” or “How Ted Cruz have kids when he a virgin”. Now, shouldn’t you flag those as misinformation?

Frances Haugen: “Ted Cruz sucks” isn’t really misinformation. It’s just one person’s opinion.

Ted Cruz: Well, that’s more than one person’s opinion.

Mr. Blumenthal: Thank you. The chair recognizes senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina.

Lindsey Graham: Thank you, Ms. Haugen. I believe that Instagram is toxic to the body image to the impressionable young Americans, specifically me. I see all these beefy guys on my discover page and I’m lifting and I’m sweating and nothing’s popping. No biceps, no triceps, no delts. I’m trying to get swole for Comic-Con but it is so hard to cosplay as a boy when you don’t have the V. Everyone knows you need the V.

Frances Haugen: I’m sorry. Is there a question?

Lindsey Graham: I’m just saying these young girls are trying to get a face that don’t even exist. They want the fox eye, the high cheek, Emily Ratajkowski brow, they’re doing botox, Juvéderm, Kybella, Restylane, and I’m like, “Girl, that ain’t a face. That’s a filter.” I’m sorry, I’m bad.

Mr. Blumenthal: [clears his throat] I’m just gonna move on. Senator Cory Booker.

Cory Booker: Thank you, Ms. Haugen. I was particularly disturbed by your testimony about how Facebook choose profits over the well being of our children. Rosario and I were discussing this very issue just the other day. Rosario Dawson.

Frances Haugen: Right.

Cory Booker: Yeah, she and I are… um… dating.

Frances Haugen: That’s great.

Cory Booker: So, my question is, does that make sense? Right? Like, when I stand next to her in a photo, that looks regular?

Oh, I don’t feel comfortable answering that.

Lindsey Graham: Ms. Haugen. I have another question. It’s been burning a back hole in my pocket. When you open an incognito window on, does that prevent god from seeing what you’re googling?

Frances Haugen: You know, that sounds like maybe a question for the bible.

Lindsey Graham: And I will ask the bible. Thank you, Ms. Haugen.

Mr. Blumenthal: Senator Kennedy, you have a follow up?

John Kennedy: Yeah. Uh, Ms. Haugen, could you explain how this photo showed up in my feed?

[There’s a picture of a group of people cosplaying different characters]

Frances Haugen: What is that?

John Kennedy: That’s what I’d like to know. It looks like the cast from the live action version of Space Jam is taking a selfie?

Ted Cruz: Now, is that pornographic?

John Kennedy: Not yet. But it feels like it’s heading there?

Dianne Feinstein: I had one in my feed as well. What is this?

[There’s a picture of a girl turning into a mouse]

Is Facebook pressuring teens to do this? To slowly morph into mice? Is this the Stewart Little challenge?

Frances Haugen: No. I think that’s an image from an old book series called Animorphs.

Lindsey Graham: Oh my god. That looks like something I found on the dark web.

Ted Cruz: Oh, that reminds me, is the dark web the same as black Twitter?

Frances Haugen: Oh my god!

Lindsey Graham: Let’s try to keep these questions pertinent. Now, what about Squid Game? What is that?

Dianne Feinstein: Oh. America is in a lot of debt right now. Should we do a Squid Game?

Ted Cruz: You know, I was put in a Squid Game recently and they made me the guy from Spongebob. “When Texas is freezing and you in Mexico.”

John Kennedy: I gotta ask about this one too. [There’s a meme that looks like a fruit is high] “When the edible kicks in and you da substitute.”

Ted Cruz: Is that what the kids are calling a may-may (meme).

Cory Booker: There’s this one too. [There’s a meme that shows a cartoon wearing turban and a cartoon with hair loss.] “How it started and how it’s going.” Is this making teens feel bad about their hair loss?

Frances Haugen: Guys, you don’t have to do this.

Dianne Feinstein: Okay, one more. [There’s a meme with two guys smiling] “When you meet bitches that like vegetables.” Because that came up when I searched for “Tom Brady old face”.

Mr. Blumenthal: Guys, order. Please. Stop showing Ms. Haugen memes you found online.

Ted Cruz: It’s may-may (meme).

Mr. Blumenthal: Let’s adjourn for lunch. But first I’m told we have a video response coming in from the Founder of a very important social media site.

[Cut to Mark Zuckerberg at his home]

Mark Zuckerberg: Hi everyone.

Mr. Blumenthal: No! No! We don’t need any more from that guy. I mean, let’s go to the OG social media king.

[Cut to Tom from MySpace.]

Tom: Oh, hey. I’m Tom from MySpace. Remember me? I was harmless. I’m not doing any of that weird algorithm stuff. We barely maintained the website. So, come on by. Check out your friend’s band from 20 years ago and let’s make America top eight again. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.