Visit With Santa Cold Open

Elf… kate McKinnon

Santa… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Santa ready to meet the children at Macy’s. Elf is wearing elf dress. Santa is sitting on a chair.]

Elf: Okay, kids. Santa’s back from his lunch break. He’s back from up at the north pole, a.k.a., Panda Express.

Santa: Ha-ha. That’s right, and he’s ready to hear you Christmas wishes. Ho-ho-ho.

Elf: Hey, [to a kid] what about you? My little boy. Are you ready to talk to Santa?

[The boy walks to Santa and sits on his lap]

Tyler: Yeah.

Santa: Alright. Well, get on up here, young man. What’s your name?

Tyler: Tyler.

Santa: And Tyler, what would you like for Santa to bring you this year?

Tyler: Could I get a mega-blocks dinosaur?

Santa: Well, I think that can be arranged.

Tyler: And, could I get laser tag?

Santa: Well, I can certainly try.

Tyler: And, can you tell me what did Al Franken do?

Santa: Okay, wow. Let’s see. Um, I think I can handle the mega-blocks and the laser tag. [to Elf] Can you take the Al Franken thing?

Elf: No. And, in this climate, can you just call me Amy?

Santa: Absolutely. Okay, well, Tyler, I guess you could say that Al Franken is on Santa’s naughty list this year.

Tyler: And what about Roy Moore? Which list is he on?

Elf: It’s not really a list. It’s more of a registry.

Santa: Okay, you know what? We should keep this line moving along. Okay. Ho-ho-ho. Merry Christmas, Tyler. Okay, who’s up next?

[The boy leaves. Elf calls a girl.]

Jessica: Hi, Santa. I’m Jessica.

Santa: Merry Christmas, Jessica. What would you like from Santa?

Jessica: I wanted to follow up on Tyler’s question. Is president Trump on the naughty list?

Santa: Well, you know, Santa tries to stay out of political matters. Our president may have said or done a few naughty things.

Elf: 19 accusers. Google it.

Santa: [to Elf] Okay. Can we not? Can we just not? Amy? Thanks. [to the girl] Look, Jessica, I’m sure we can all learn a lesson from what’s going on in the news.

Jessica: We sure can. I learned that if you admit that you did something wrong, you get in trouble. But if you deny it, they let you keep your job.

Santa: Well, okay. Careful there, Jessica. Or you might get some coal in your stocking.

Jessica: From where? We both know coal is a dying industry.

Santa: Okay, thank you very much. Merry Christmas.

[The girl walks away. Another boy comes in.]

Okay. Hello.

Billy: Hi, Santa. My name is Billy and I want a football.

Santa: Well, you got it, Billy.

Billy: I love football. Why did the players kneel during the national anthem? Do they hate the troops?

Santa: No! They’re just kneeling because they’re tired.

Billy: From all the brain injuries?

Santa: You know what? Sure. Let’s just go with that. Somehow that’s the happier version. Alright, Merry Christmas, Billy.

Billy: Go Brogo.

Santa: Yeah. Right. to the hospital. Alright.

[The boy walks out. Another girl walks in]

Hello.

Girl: Hi, Santa. I already asked my dad for an American Girl doll.

Santa: Well, that sounds like fun.

Girl: But my dad says he can’t afford any presents until the tax cut trickles down from the wealthiest 1%.

Santa: Well, you know, that’s economics. Santa didn’t study economics. He studies musical theater which is perhaps why he’s working as a Santa at this mall right now.

Girl: And I heard the new tax bill add $1 trillion to the national debt. Is that naughty?

Santa: Well, you know, I’m sure they’re just trying to make things friendlier for businesses.

Elf: Actually, Santa, thanks to that much needed tax cut, [pointing at the girl] this little ray of sunshine will be forking over her social security checks to the Chinese. And if she thinks she’s getting medicare, ooh! She is out of her little mind.

Girl: Wow! Classic response.

Santa: Oh, you know what? Thank you.

Elf: Thank you for coming.

Santa: Thank you very much. Okay. Next.

Elf: And now, you.

[The girl walks out. Another girl walks in.]

Santa: Oh, how about you. Aren’t you cute? What do you want for Christmas?

Girl: Hi, Santa. I want a barbie. Unless they’re gonna take them away from me too.

Santa: Okay, barbie. You got it. Let’s go. See you later. And kids, just to reminder to keep your wishes light and Christmasy and not political.

[The girl walks out. Another boy walks in.]

Okay? Alright.

Boy: That’s good. Coz I hate politics.

Santa: Ah! Thank the lord.

Boy: Instead. I wanna talk about opioids.

Santa: No! You’re done. Thank you very much. Next!

[The boy walks out. Another girl walks in.]

Alright, hello. Aren’t you cute? What would you like for Christmas?

Girl: An embassy that is still in Tel Aviv.

Santa: How do you know about Tel Aviv? Thank you very much. You’re done. Next.

[The girl walks away. Another boy walks in]

Ay, what about you? Maybe you like a toy from Santa?

Boy: Oh, you mean toy like the one that Lauer gave to his coworker?

Santa: Okay. Um, you know what? Ear muff. Ear muff. [The boy closes his years] [to Elf] Where the hell did they get these kids from? I’d never thought I’d say this, but I think our public schools are too good. Okay, ear muffs off. [to boy] I’m getting you an Xbox. Merry Christmas.

Boy: Xbox? Awesome! More factory jobs for Chinese kids.

Santa: Whoa! Okay. Alright! You know what? I think Santa might need another break. This one might involve a cigarette.

[A girl walks to Santa]

Jenny: Sanga?

Santa: Oh, yes little girl. What’s your name?

Jenny: Jenny. And Santa, I don’t want any gifts this year. I just want everything to be okay.

Elf: Oh, my goodness. Okay, Jenny. Listen to me. I know that things seem particularly insane right now. Like, truly mind bendingly insane. And we seem to have lost all perspective on what’s naughty or nice.

Jenny: I know. I’ve seen FOX News.

Elf: Oh, there you go. But, as bad as things might seem, I promise you Jenny, it will be okay. Okay? Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not for another three years, 42 days and 24 minutes, Jenny. But most people in America are good people. And eventually, good people will fix our country.

Jenny: Okay. Good. But just in case, I’m putting all my money in Bitcoin.

Santa: Oh, yes. That’s the spirit. Now, do you remember what Santa always says?

Jenny: Yes.

Santa: Do you wanna say it with me?

Jenny: Okay.

All: Merry Christmas. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

White House Christmas Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Kellyanne Conway, Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Michael Flynn… Mikey Day

Billy Bush… Alex Moffatt

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Donald Trump and Kellyanne Conway in White House]

Kellyanne Conway: Mr. President, are you sure that you don’t want to stay at the Christmas party longer? Coz everyone is celebrating this huge tax bill. Mitch McConnell is serving everyone bourbon. I got so drunk I told the truth.

Donald Trump: Sorry, Kellyanne. I’m in poudy baby mode. This Flynn investigation has really got me down.

Kellyanne Conway: Oh, come on, sir. The tax bill is your biggest achievement yet. In that, it is your only achievement.

Donald Trump: Sorry, I’m not in the Christmas spirit. The only thing that cheers me up with these hilarious Muslim videos that I’ve been retweeting. Lex Cruise says Barf Hamburg. So, please, you go ahead and enjoy the party.

Kellyanne Conway: Okay. Anything I can get you before I go?

Donald Trump: Um, yes. One little thing. I want you to withdraw $5 million from my bank account and put it in a duffle bag with my passport, a fake mustache and a bucket of chicken.

Kellyanne Conway: Okay, sir. Goodnight.

Donald Trump: Thank you, Kellyanne. This is the time I’d like to reflect on all the good things I have done this year. It’ll only take a minute. [as Donald Trump is thinking, it gets all smoky] Wait, what’s that?

[Michael Flynn comes out of the smoke. He is chained.]

Michael Flynn: Donald J. Trump. Donald J. Trump!

Donald Trump: Oh god! You’ve come to get me. I knew it. It’s the Muslim stuff, right?

Michael Flynn: No.

Donald Trump: It’s for calling Mexican rapists?

Michael Flynn: No.

Donald Trump: The Roy Moore stuff?

Michael Flynn: No.

Donald Trump: Draft dodging?

Michael Flynn: No.

Donald Trump: The birthing stuff?

Michael Flynn: No.

Donald Trump: Pocahontas?

Michael Flynn: No.

Donald Trump: The Central Park fight? No, wait! Making fun of the handicapped Portland like this. [Donald Trump makes faces]

Michael Flynn: No, sir! Sir! I’m not here for any of that.

Donald Trump: So, who are you? Jacob Marley? You’ve got a lot of chains on.

Michael Flynn: No. I’m Michael Flynn. The ghost of witness Flict. Mr. President, I came to warn you. It’s time for you to come clean. For the good of the country.

Donald Trump: What the good of the?

Michael Flynn: The good of the country.

Donald Trump: The gobada-come-come?

Michael Flynn: This is serious, sir! The FBI got to me. Before all this, I had a great life, Donald. I was an honorable twice fired military man who loved to talk about how Hillary Clinton had a child sex ring in a pizza shop.

Donald Trump: Oh, Mikey, my man. You led the locker up, cheered the convention. Who knew you had so much dirt on you when you passed? If only somebody had warned me about you.

Michael Flynn: Well, president Obama did tell you not to hire me.

Donald Trump: I meant someone who is American.

Michael Flynn: Mr. President. There was a lot of people from your past that could come back to haunt you. Tonight, we’ll be visited by three of them. There’s the first one. No!

[Michael Flynn leaves. Billy Bush walks out of the smoke]

Donald Trump: Billy Bush?

Billy Bush: Um-hmm. Yep! I’m here to remind you of bad Hollywood tape, my man! Can you believe I got fired just for listening to you? Whoof! And then you got elected president. And now, you’re saying the bad tape isn’t even real? What?

Donald Trump: You’ll be fine, Billy. I’m sure you’ll find work again.

Billy Bush: Well, I hope so. Frankly, I’m looking pretty good in the NBC news division right about now. Remember Donald, these things catch up with all of us. If you worked at NBC right now, you’d be fired. Fired! Fired!

[Billy Bush slowly walks away]

Donald Trump: Wait! Come back! Where did you go?

[Melania Trump walks in]

Melania Trump: Donald? Where did who go?

Donald Trump: Melania, I’m sorry. I was just working.

Melania Trump: Okay, but come down to the party. You have to see my decorations. It’s a beautiful festive hallway of dead branches and mysterious shadows. And then when you open the elevator, blood comes out.

Donald Trump: Oh. Sounds wonderful but I’m so tired.

Melania Trump: Okay, but Donald, we need someone to put up the manger scene. Mike Pence was going to do it but his wife doesn’t want him playing with dolls because she’s afraid it will give him urges.

Donald Trump: Umm, I’m sorry, Melania. I can’t, but you go. I’ll be down in a minute. [Melania Trump walks out. The smokes appears again.] Oh, no. It’s happening again.

[Vladimir Putin comes out of the smoke. He is topless.]

Vladimir Putin: Hello, Mr. Trump.

Donald Trump: Oh my! Vladimir? You must be my present.

Vladimir Putin: Of course. Donald, you can’t hide from me. I see and hear everything you do.

Donald Trump: Because you’re a ghost?

Vladimir Putin: Yes. I’m ghost. Listen, we put a lot of work into you. So much time and money. And you’re about to mess it all up. You seem so volatile.

Donald Trump: I’m sorry, Vladimir, but I promise I’ll be more diplomatic with North Korea and that fat little psycho who runs it.

Vladimir Putin: Whoa! Trump, you have to chill out, broski!

Donald Trump: Vladimir, look, I’ve always wanted to ask you this. Do you think I’m cool?

Vladimir Putin: Look, I have to go. Ha-ha.

Donald Trump: So, that’s a yes?

Vladimir Putin: I just have to go. Someone else is coming. They’re coming.

[Vladimir Putin walks out. Michael Flynn walks in again.]

Michael Flynn: Don’t you see, Mr. President? Any one of these spirits could bring you down. But the scariest one is yet to come. Oh, no! It approaches.

Donald Trump: Mike, I’m too scared to look.

[Someone walks out of smoke wearing a cloak covering the face.]

Oh, thank god, Steve Bannon. You’re here to save the day with your terrible white magic? Wait, who are you?

[When the person shows face, it’s Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Ha-ha-ha. Merry Christmas! Ha-ha. [cheers and applause] It is I, Hillary Rodham Clinton, Ha-ha. You, Donald have given me the greatest Christmas gift of all. Sexual gratification in the form of your slow demise. You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to say this. Lock him up!

[Michael Flynn and Hillary Clinton walk out]

Donald Trump: No! No!

[Melania Trump walks in]

Melania Trump: Donald! Donald! Are you alright?

Donald Trump: Oh god, Melania, I’m so scared. These spirits, they showed me things. I know what I need to do now. I need to erase seasons 1 through 14 of The Apprentice, fire Robert Mueller, and live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

WikiLeaks Cold Open

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Eric… Alex Moffat

Julian Assange… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with introduction video]

Male voice: May 17, 2017, Robert Mueller is appointed special counsel and tasked with the investigation of firing of James Comey and links between the Trump campaign and the Russian government. On covering numerous attempts by Wikileaks master mind, Julian Assange, to influence the outcome of the American election via contact with Jared Kushner and other members of the Trump inner circle. The targets pile Manafort, Flynn, Gates, Papadopoulos, possibly leading to the oval office and the president himself. These are The Mueller Files.

The following is the reenactment of events that may have taken place autumn of last year.

[Cut to London.] [Subtitle- September 20, 2016. Parking garage beneath the Ecudorin Bmbassy, London, England.] [Cut to Donald Trump Jr. standing alone. Julian Assange walks in]

Donald Trump Jr.: Hello, Mr. Assange, I presume.

Julian Assange: Good day, Mr. Trump Jr. I am Julian Assange. I appreciate you coming all the way to London to meet face to face.

Donald Trump Jr.: No worries. As secure and off the record as sliding into my twitter DMs, I thought this might be safer.

Julian Assange: I trust you came alone?

Donald Trump Jr.: My brother Eric is waiting in the car. Not to worry. I told him to honk the horn if he gets scared. Now, Mr. Assange–

[horn honking]

Excuse me for a moment.

[Donald Trump Jr. walks away and walks back with Eric]

Eric will be joining us. Eric, this is Mr. Assange.

Eric: He looks like Draco Malfoy.

Donald Trump Jr.: Eric! That was rude! What did we say about making fun of people’s appearances, bud?

Eric: That’s dad’s thing?

Donald Trump Jr.: Yes.

Julian Assange: The deal was, you come alone.

Donald Trump Jr.: Well, circumstances changed, Assange. Eric’s wife had to work, so I have him for the day.

Julian Assange: How do I know I can trust him?

Donald Trump Jr.: Hm, having Eric here is basically like being alone. Watch. Eric, what’s this man’s name?

Eric: Julliard Massage.

Donald Trump Jr.: And what organization did he found?

Eric: Ricki Lakes.

Donald Trump Jr.: And what does Ricki Lakes do?

[Eric looks around]

Eric: I’m Eric!

Donald Trump Jr.: Dead end. Trust me, your secret is safe with Eric.

Julian Assange: Careful, there’s a car coming. Don’t be seen.

[Donald Trump Jr. and Julian Assange look way. Eric waves his hand to the car.]

Eric: Hi!

Donald Trump Jr.: Alright, that was a little too close for comfort. Let’s get down to business. Mr. Assange, there is something we have been waiting for very long time.

Eric: McDonald’s.

Donald Trump Jr.: Told you, buddy. We are going to go there after this. Alright? I want dirt on Hillary.

Julian Assange: Wow, you’re in luck. Okay? I have some information about Hillary Clinton that might be quite useful to your father’s campaign. How does a treasure trove of Hacked DNC e-mails sound?

[Julian Assange hands an envelope to Donald Trump Jr.]

Donald Trump Jr.: Oh, thank god for wikileaks.

Eric: For shrinky dinks.

Julian Assange: Keep that in a safe place, alright?

Donald Trump Jr.: Oh, I will. [Eric turns around. He is carrying a Minion back-pack. Donald Trump Jr. puts the envelope inside the back-pack.] This bag never leaves Eric’s side.

Julian Assange: Yeah, yeah. Now, if you think you are getting that for free, you are mistaken, okay? I”m not some dumb blonde you can take advantage of.

Eric: But your hair is white!

Donald Trump Jr.: Eric! Come on!

Julian Assange: It’s not white. It’s a platinum bob with a man’s front wisp. And what I want, Mr. Trump Jr., is to be cleared of all espionage charges. That would really save my ass.

[Eric whispers in Donald Trump Jr.’s ear]

Donald Trump Jr.: Eric wants you to know that ass is a bad word. And if you help my father, I’ll help you. He is always loyal to his friends.

Eric: What about Chris Christie?

Donald Trump Jr.: Eric, come on!

Eric: And Rudy Giuliani?

Donald Trump Jr.: No, Eric!

Eric: And mom?

Donald Trump Jr.: Eric, do you want to play with your spinner thing?

[Donald Trump Jr. gives Eric a spinner to play]

Eric: Okay.

Donald Trump Jr.: Got that at the airport. Mr. Assange, I assure you that your efforts will be rewarded. [Eric is just looking at the spinner and he doesn’t know how to play with it.] Eric, buddy, this lights up. That’s it’s whole thing. Look. [Donald Trump Jr. turns the spinner’s light for Eric] Look. There you go, bud. Yes, that’s what it does. [to Julian Assange] My father would never sell you out. Help him now and you will be repaid a thousand fold.

Julian Assange: Okay. Well, I think we are done here then. I look forward to working with you. And when I say you, I do mean you. Not necessarily Eric.

Donald Trump Jr.: Understood. Oh, and Mr. Assange, before we go, there is something Eric and I would like to say. Live–

Eric: Live. [pronouncing it as in living.]

Donald Trump Jr.: It’s not live. It’s live. Live, right? Do you want to try it? Let’s do it.

Donald Trump Jr., Eric and Julian Assange: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Roy Moore & Jeff Sessions Cold Open

Heidi gardner

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Roy Moore… Mikey Day

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Heidi and Mike Pence in Vice President’s office]

Heidi: Mr. Vice President, Alabama senate candidate Roy Moore is here.

Mike Pence: Great, send him in.

[Roy Moore walks in. he is wearing a cowboy hat.[

[Heidi walks out.] [cheers and applause]

Roy Moore: How are you doing, Mike?

Mike Pence: Roy, I don’t have to tell you that the senate hangs in the balance. We are trying to pass a tax reform plan this year to bring Mr. Trump’s list of big legislative accomplishments to one. We can’t lose your seat this December.

Roy Moore: Yes, sir.

Mike Pence: Now, I know you’re Bannon’s guy but this latest news about you is concerning. Voters in Alabama will never elect someone who has had relations with a minor.

Roy Moore: You sure about that?

Mike Pence: No. Alabama is quite a place. But we can’t take chances.

Roy Moore: Mike, look, it’s all lies. I’m not that guy.

Mike Pence: Perhaps, roy, perhaps. But it’s hard to convince people that you are not into young girls when you dress like Woody from Toy Story.

Roy Moore: Come on. The left wing media loves to repeat these sexual harassment stories. There is a new every day, Mike.

Mike Pence:  I know, even I heard about Louis C.K. and I’m only allowed to listen to the TV. But this girl who accused you was 14 years old, Roy. You have got to do the right thing here.

Roy Moore: Alright. If everyone thinks I did it, I’ll marry her.

Mike Pence: No, Roy, no. No, Roy. I want you to consider stepping aside. Don’t think of it as ending your campaign. Think of it as going to conversion therapy to turn yourself into someone who is no longer a candidate.

Roy Moore: I mean, come on, sir, do we have to do it this way? Can’t we just call the boss?

Mike Pence: Sorry, I’m not going to call Vladimir Putin about this. Now, I can’t make you do anything, Roy, but I want you to think long and hard about this. I will give you a couple of minutes to consider.

[Mike Pence walks out]

Roy Moore: Oh, dang! What a pickle this is. What am I gonna do?

[Jeff Sessions comes out of a cupboard] [cheers and applause]

Jeff Sessions: You’re gonna drop out, that’s what you’re gonna do.

Roy Moore: Hey, Jeff Sessions, what are you doing here?

Jeff Sessions: Well, I was just doing what I always do. Cooking up nightmares for children. It’s good I”m here because I have been meaning to talk to you. Have a seat.

Roy Moore: alright.

Jeff Sessions: Now, Roy, you’ve been doing some controversial stuff. You wave a gun around on stage. Tell folks Muslims shouldn’t be allowed in the congress and that9/11 was god’s punishment for sodomy. I love it. You check a lot of boxes for me, Roy.

Roy Moore: Thank you, Jeff.

Jeff Sessions: But, this is really bad. I’m usually the creepiest one in the room bu tI look at you and I’m like, “Oh, my god.” I got the goose flesh. They say you even admitted to being with a couple of 16 year olds.

Roy Moore: Oh, come on, Jeff. You know I was just kidding.

Jeff Sessions: Ah! Alright, that’s a relief.

Roy Moore: No. Kidding is the term I use for dating young ladies.

Jeff Sessions: Alright! Alright, get on out of here. I’m Alabama but you, sir, are too Alabama. Get out. [Roy Moore walks out] Get on. Leave me to my Gerrymandering. Oh, Papa, I need some advice. [Jeff Sessions pulls out an animal doll] Papa, what’s going on? I want to be happy again. I want to go back to the senate, daddy. I’ll be good. I’ll talk to Kamala Harris. I promise. But there are so many men out there acting like monsters. Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, the president. Daddy, has this been happening forever? Have I and benefitted from a system of oppression? No? Well, that’s a relief. I love you daddy. Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Paul Manafort’s House Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Paul Manafort… Alex Moffat

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

[Starts with Donald Trump visiting Paul Manafort] [door bell ringing. Paul Manafort opens the door. Donald Trump walks in with two security guards.]

Paul Manafort: Oh, Mr. President?

Donald Trump: Hey, Paul. I just came by to check up on you.

[cheers and applause]

Paul Manafort: Um, of course. I’m embarrassed. I only wore a casual $10,000 suit, you know? I thought you were on your way to Asia.

Donald Trump: Everybody does. But in fact, I sent Melania along with a very convincing look alike.

[Cut to Melania sitting  in airplane with a pillow Donald Trump]

Melania: Donald, why are you so quiet? Okay, then for the first time in 10 years, let me tell you about my day.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Paul Manafort]

Donald Trump: Paul, believe me. My staff is much happier that that look alike is going. They were terrified that when I got to Gina (mocking China) I would do the slant eyes thing like the guy on the Houston Astros. Hilarious, by the way.

Paul Manafort: Oh, yeah.

Donald Trump: Politically correct now. Everything is so politically correct. I’m surprised you can even say ‘Oriental rugs’ anymore. By the way, these are fantastic. [talking about the carpet]

Paul Manafort: Oh, yeah. Thanks. I got a great deal, only a million bucks because I paid cash.

Donald Trump: God, you screwed. Just so, so screwed. It’s a shame. You are going to prison because I was about to give you a huge tax break. We’re calling my tax plan cut, cut, cut, because it was named while I was having a small stroke. Speaking of cuts, do you have a good shiv you can bring with you to prison with you Paul? Because after the stuff I said about certain ethnic groups, they re going to go to town on you in prison.

Paul Manafort: Well, listen. Whatever happens, sir, I won’t betray you.

Donald Trump: I trust you, Paul. But just in case we re going to have to take this conversation somewhere else.

Paul Manafort: But I’m under house arrest. I’m wearing an ankle bracelet.

Donald Trump: We’re not leaving the house. Besides, everyone thinks I just left Hawaii.

[Cut to Melania sitting  in airplane with a pillow Donald Trump]

Melania: This whole trip, you were so dignified, you know? When we were in Hawaii and they offered you a ley, you didn’t make the usual tasteless joke. Also, you didn’t call Pearl Harbor fake news. And for once, you didn’t finish my dinner. Who knew that just by keeping your mouth shut, you could seem so presidential. Donald, have you been working out? Oh, Donald, I hope I remember how to do this.

[Melania leans towards Donald Trump] [Cut to Donald Trump and Paul Manafort in the shower topless.]

Donald Trump: I brought you to the shower to make sure you weren’t wearing a wire, Paul. That’s why we’re going to do this Gone Girl’s style.

Paul Manafort: Mr. President, I would never do that with you.

Donald Trump: That’s what she said. Like a whole bunch of she’s have said that. Speaking of which, what an idiot that Harvey Weinstein is. He could have gotten away with all of it if ony he had gotten himself elected president. Body wash?

[Donald Trump passes the body wash to Paul Manafort]

I have a proposition for you, Paul. All I need from you is to go to prison for a very, very long time. In return, I still get to be president which I hate but I’m too proud do quit. Does that sound fair?

Paul Manafort: Well, Mr. President–

[Mike Pence walks in the shower]

Mike Pence: Here, let me get your back. [Mike Pence takes the scrubber and scrubs Paul Manafort’s back]

Paul Manafort: Mike Pence? Why are you wearing a suit in the shower?

Mike Pence: Well, because I’m not married to the water.

Donald Trump: I wanted Mike to get his hands dirty too, okay? Because if I’m going down, I’m taking church lady with me. Mike, say cheese. [Donald Trump takes a picture of Paul Manafort and Mike Pence] There we go. If you say anything about this, Mike, I’ll text that photo straight to Jesus.

Paul Manafort: Well, Mr. President, can’t you just pardon me?

Donald Trump: Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. But we have a plan. A great plan. Isn’t that right, Jeff?

[Jeff Sessions joins them in the shower]

Jeff Sessions: Yes, Mr. President. Do you want a loofah?

Donald Trump: I’m all your’s, Jeff. I’m all your’s.

Jeff Sessions: Alright. Hi. I’m wearing a bathing costume that I got from my favorite place, the 1890s. Plus, I thought we should all get used to wearing stripes.

Donald Trump: Don’t worry. You won’t go to prison, Jeff.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, I know. Coz I’m a sneaky lying little villain. If mean old Mr. Mueller comes after me, I’m just going to roll over and play dead like half possum that I am.

Donald Trump: As Jeff has pointed out, I can’t pardon you now. It would look too suspicious.

Jeff Sessions: Yeah. So we concocted a genius solution, Mr. Manafort. I dropped my loofah. Oh, don’t worry. My trustee little tail is going to get it. [Jeff Sessions has a tail that is holding the loofah behind him] Now, as I was saying, we have an ingenious solution.

Donald Trump: Here’s the plan, Paul. I can’t pardon you now. But we’re gonna wait a few weeks and then dress you up like a turkey. And then, we’ll pardon you.

Jeff Sessions: It is a foolproof plan.

Donald Trump: Well, there is a small chance that I’ll screw that up too and my family will end up eating you for thanksgiving. So hang in there, Paul. And–

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Donald Trump Trucker Rally Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

[Starts with a group of people waiting for a speech]

Male voice: And now, please welcome the president of the United States, Donald J. Trump.

[Donald Trump walks in]

Donald Trump: Thank you. Thank you, people of her-ass-burg, Pennsylvania. It’s great to be here with all you truck drivers tonight. Love the truckers. We have so much in common, and not just because all the blood in our bodies pools in our legs and our butts. It’s been a big week, folks. We are getting rid of everything Obama did, health care, the Iran deal. And we are ripping out all these vegetables in Michelle Obama’s garden and planting McNuggets. McNuggets. Love the McNuggets. Coz, we love America, don’t we? That’s why, I had Mike Pence go to the colts game on Sunday. And when those players knelt during the anthem, I told him to get the hell out of there. Don’t worry. We are taking Mike partnership’s season tickets and donating them to two lucky fans in Puerto Rico. They just have to fly themselves to Indiana and book their own hotel. Because at some point, they have to start doing things for themselves, okay? I have actually got Mike standing by right now at the Indiana Pacer’s game. Mike, are you there?

[Cut to Mike Pence in the audience of Indiana Pacer’s game]

Mike Pence: Yes. Hello, Mr. President. Mother and I are here. We just watched the pacers cheer leaders perform a dance routine and I was very into it on a technical level.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Mike Pence]

Donald Trump: And what about the anthem?

Mike Pence: Oh, it’s starting now.

[National anthem playing]

Donald Trump: What are the players doing? Are they acting like little SOBs?

Mike Pence: No. They seem to be respectful. Wait, one of them is kneeling.

Donald Trump: Get out of there, Mike. Bail. Ditch it. Haul ass, Mike.

[Mike Pence and his mother rushes out] [Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Mike bailed. Big time. But that’s not why I’m here today. Today is about unveiling a magnificent tax plan. We’re gonna give you people back a lot of cash. That’s all I’m focused on. But also, what about Bob Corker? Little liddle Bob Corker. Corker is so small, you know, some politicians wanna be on the quarter some day. Bob Corker could actually be a quarter. He could take a nap on the quarter, okay? I mean, he is extremely small. Bob Corker is basically– and I know I’m not supposed to use this word anymore, but he’s a midget. Okay? Little itty bitty Bob Corker. I mean this guy is so small and I hate doing small jokes. But I have to because I’m the president. This guy is so small–

Audience: How small is he?

Donald Trump: Bob Corker is so small that dermatologist found him on a mole, okay? Very tiny Amigo. And speaking of Amigos, let’s check in again with Mike Pence. Mike, where are you?

[Cut to Mike Pence and his mother]

Mike Pence: we are inside the Starbucks, Mr. President.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Mike Pence]

Donald Trump: Mike, I need you to check the cups, okay? Do they say “Happy Holidays” or do they say “Merry Christmas?”

Mike Pence: Sir, it’s October. They wouldn’t have Christmas teamed cups yet.

Donald Trump: They would if they respect America, Mike. The cups would say “Merry Christmas” all year and they would show me and Santa Clause giving all the children coal because coal is the future of this country. Check the cups, Mike, okay?

Mike Pence: The cups say “Pumpkin spice is back”, sir.

Donald Trump: Get out of there right now, Mike. Bail! [Mike Pence and his mother rush out] Get in the private jet. Vamoos! Folks, we’re gonna start saying Merry Christmas again. And you cannot disrespect our lord and savior Santa Clause is like that. But that’s not what I’m here to talk about. As I said, I need to talk about the tax plan and tone tax plan. Because the numbers are amazing. Just amazing. And also, how dumb is that Rex Tillerson, folks? I mean, really. What a dumb dumb dumbarooney. And he has the nerve to call me the moron. Talk about the pot calling the kettle Mexican. I am so much smarter than this guy, Rex. I have a huge IQ. I took a huge IQ test. Let me just assure you, it came back positive. Very positive. Okay? My IQ is through the roof and frankly, through many of the clouds as well, okay? And by the way, I’m the only guy who even knows what IQ means. Most people don’t even know what it stands for. Inquedible.  lot of people don’t know that. And speaking of Inquedible people, let’s just check back with Mike. Mike, where are you, buddy?

[Cut to Mike Pence and his mother]

Mike Pence: WE are inside the wedding, Mr. President. Everything seems very respectful.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Mike Pence]

Donald Trump: What do you see, Mike? Walk us through it?

Mike Pence: Okay. I see the groom. He is waiting patiently at the altar. And then I see– Oh, oh! There is another groom.

Donald Trump: get out of there, Mike! Bail! Pitch it! [Mike Pence and his mother run out] I know you hate this word, Mike. Abort, Mike! Abort! Vaminoos! Outrageous! No one should disrespect the sanctity of marriage like that as it says in my favorite verse of the bible, double korenthians, marriage is between a man and a woman. Then another woman. Then another woman. And maybe one more if you’ve got it in you, okay? Well, in conclusion, I think we solved the tax stuff just like we solved Puerto Rico. And finally, this is very important. Eminem apparently didn’t free-style rap on the BET network the other ay. And he rapped some very nasty things about me, and very soon I’m going to release a response rap on the White Entertainment Network, HGTV. So, watch it back, Eminem. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

The Chaos President Cold Open

Sarah… Aidy Bryant

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Cruz… Melissa Villaseñor

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

Chuck Schumer… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Sarah walking to the oval office]

Sarah: Welcome back from bed, Mr. president.

Donald Trump: Thank you, Sarah. I had to come back. Sometimes when you’re president, you have to make sacrifices. So I skipped the back nine.

Sarah: Um, I understand, Mr. President. Sir, mayor Cruz of San Juan is on the line.

Donald Trump: I was expecting this phone call. Sure she wants to tell me what a great job I am doing.

[picks up the phone]

Yes, mayor, you wanted to talk to me?

[Cut to split screen with Cruz and Donald Trump]

Cruz: Yes, Mr. President, I’m so glad to have you on the phone. I’m begging you. Puerto Rico needs your help.

Donald Trump: I hear you loud and clear. And you called the best person for the job. [Cut to Donald Trump] Trust me. I know things are at the locals say ‘Despacito’. We’re gonna get more help to you. We’ll get to you immediately probably by Tuesday or Wednesday at the latest.

[Cut to Cruz]

Cruz: Mr. President, that’s not good enough.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, you should have paid your bills. Thema takes a few days unless you join Thema prime.

[Cut to Cruz]

Cruz: What are you talking about?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Ma’am, I don’t know if you know this, but you’re in an island in the water. The ocean water. Big ocean. With fishies and bubbles and turtles that bite. We wanna help you but we have to take care of America first.

[Cut to Cruz]

Cruz: Wait, you do know we’re a US territory, don’t you?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I mean I do, but not many people know that.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Cruz]

Cruz: Sir, e just need help please.

[Donald Trump hangs up the phone]

Donald Trump: Wow! That woman was so nasty.

Sarah: Mr. President, I got to be honest. This is only gonna get way worse.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I like you, Sarah. You’re a straight shooter. That’s why you outlasted Sean Spicer, Scaramucci, Banon, Priebus, Gorkha flame and Tom Price.

[Cut to Sarah]

Sarah: Thank you, sir. I think it’s because folks listen to me because I’m no nonsense but I’m all nonsense.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, you handled that NFL thing just great.

[Cut to Sarah]

Sarah: Oh, well, I’m a little embarrassed that I said it’s a black and white issue. I should have said it’s a black vs. white issue.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: It’s disgraceful. You know, I actually love football. I could’ve played. People say I remind them of an NFL player because I’m combative. I like to win. And I might have degenerative brain disease.

[Cut to Sarah]

Sarah: Well, I will stand by you, sir. No matter what you say.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, trust me. It may seem like what’s coming out of my mouth is B-A-N-A-N-A-S, but it’s all part of the plan. The more chaos I cause, the less people can focus. We’re all getting so tired. So tired. Let me show you. How long did I declare war on North Korea and the rocket man?

[Cut to Sarah and Donald Trump]

Sarah: Um, four months?

Donald Trump: Wrong! it was last Friday. See? I’m bending time. So, let’s keep the chaos coming and shake things up around here. Speaking of shaking things up, get Jeff Sessions in here.

Sarah: Okay. Alright.

[As soon as Sarah walks out, Jeff Sessions stand up from right behind Donald Trump]

Jeff Sessions: Good afternoon, Mr. President.

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Jeff, how did you get in here so fast?

Jeff Sessions: Well, I live in the grandfather clock just in the hallway. I made friends with some mice. They tell me secrets.

Donald Trump: Jeff, I’m thinking about making a few changes in my administration.

Jeff Sessions: Aw! Digiddi dong!

Donald Trump: But you’ve been with me from the beginning. And you know, I value loyalty.

Jeff Sessions: Yes, Mr. President. I’m very, very loyal.

Donald Trump: But, you went against me on the darker thing. And you wouldn’t fire James Comey when I needed you to.

Jeff Sessions: I know I was a bad boy. Very bad. Very bad. I should not have recuse myself from Coleman calamity. I don’t know. I got spooked.

Donald Trump: Jeff, I need someone with real balls. Not what you have which is two little George Pickens. Okay? Um, we have to do something right now.

Jeff Sessions: I understand. Time for the belt.

Donald Trump: I’m not doing that, Jeff.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, no. Please, sir. Don’t tweet on me. Please. I cannot get tweeted all over again.

Donald Trump: Tweet is so powerful, aren’t they? You fear the tweets.

Jeff Sessions: No, no. Donny. Donny, please.

Donald Trump: God, it’s so hard when you’re so damn cute. Come on over here to daddy.

[Donald Trump pulls Jeff Sessions and makes him sit on his laps]

Jeff, we’ll get through this.

Jeff Sessions: Thank you. i will not let you down. I might look adorable but I am frightening.

Donald Trump: You know, I’m nothing if not loyal. You were the first to get the republican party on my side. And I’ll always back them up because of you. You’re my guy, Jeff.

[Sarah walks in]

Sarah: Sorry to interrupt sir, but Chuck Schumer is here. He says you’re working on some kind of secret deal together.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Jeff Sessions. Donald Trump stands and puts Jeff Sessions down]

Donald Trump: Ah, yes. Send him in.

[Chuck Schumer walks in]

Chuck Schumer: There he is. How are you doing, sir? Ready for dinner? No great place for slices. You’ll feel like you’re back in Queens.

Donald Trump: Great! Let’s go.

Jeff Sessions: So, are you really leaving with him?

Donald Trump: I told you, I’m nothing if not loyal. Come on over here, Chuck. We’re both New Yorkers. We enjoy good slice. We never go to Time Square and we love saying–

Donald Trump, Jeff Sessions and Chuck Schumer: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Lester Holt Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Lester Holt… Michael Che

Paul Ryan… Mikey day

[Starts with message video]

Male voice: We now return to NBC ‘Nightly News’ and part two of Lester Holt’s interview with president Donald J. Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Lester Holt in the interview.]

Lester Holt: Hello, Mr. President. I know you’re a busy man, so, thank you for being here.

Donald Trump: Thank you for having me here, Jazz Man. Before we begin, I just need to know that I have your undying loyalty.

Lester Holt: You don’t, sir. Now, let’s get started. Clearly, the big story this week is James Comey.

Donald Trump: Okay, well first, all I can just say is that I won the election fair and square, and everyone knows that.

Lester Holt: Yes, Mr. President, you say that literally all the time.

Donald Trump: It’s one of my greatest hits and my fans love when I play the hits. It’s like when you go to a Beyoncé concert, they just wanna hear ‘Single Ladies.’ They wanna hear only ‘Single Ladies’, not that ‘Sandcastles’ crap. Okay?

Lester Holt: Okay, sir. But, back to James Comey. Your staff is insisting all week that you didn’t fire him because of the Russian investigation.

Donald Trump: No, I did.

Lester Holt: Wait, what?

Donald Trump: I fired him because of Russia. I thought, “He is investigating Russia. I don’t like that, I should fire him.”

Lester Holt: And you are just admitting that?

Donald Trump: Uh-huh.

Lester Holt: But that’s obstruction of justice.

Donald Trump: Sure. Okay.

Lester Holt: Wait, so, [talking to his team] did I get him? Is this all over? Oh, no I didn’t? Nothing matters? Absolutely nothing matters anymore?

Donald Trump: That’s right. Nothing’s going to stop me because I have the republicans in the palm of my hand. Look at this.

[Donald Trump rings a small bell] [Paul Ryan enters in a chef dress]

Paul Ryan: You called for ice cream, sir. Here’s two scoops.

[Paul Ryan passes a plate of ice cream to Donald Trump]

Lester Holt: Paul Ryan?

Paul Ryan: Yes, sir. I am so excited to be working with president Trump on an agenda that benefits–

Donald Trump: [interrupting] Beat it, nerd. Just get the hell out of here, okay?

Paul Ryan: Whatever you say, Mr. Trump. He feeds me dog food.

[Paul Ryan leaves]

Lester Holt: Mr. President, let’s move on. After this week, many are drawing comparisons between you and Richard Nixon.

Donald Trump: No, no. I am nothing like Nixon because I am not a crook. Okay? Plus, I bet Nixon only got one scoop of ice cream for dessert. I get two scoops. Two scoops. Two scoops, okay?

Lester Holt: Of course, Mr. President. You are also very different from Nixon because he won the popular vote.

Donald Trump: Listen, O.J., you are being very mean. You don’t ask me about all the good things I did this week. For example, on Tuesday, I let Kellyanne out of her Crypt. Also, I invented a new phrase. Have you heard it? It’s called ‘Priming the pump.’

Lester Holt: You didn’t invent that, sir. That’s a very famous economic phrase.

Donald Trump: No, it’s not. It’s when I talk to myself about a half hour before Melania comes in so she can find it easily. Okay?

Lester Holt: [disgusted] Ew! That is not what ‘Priming the Pump’ means. And you have just earned yourself and Anderson Cooper eye roll. Andy, take it away.

[Anderson Cooper appears in a small box at left bottom corner of the screen. He does the eye roll.]

Thanks Coop. Now, Mr. President, on Thursday you tweeted that James Comey better hope you don’t have tapes of your private conversation. Did you secretly tape him?

Donald Trump: Listen, Kenan, I don’t know. Practically, I tape a lot of people. I tape whoever I want, whatever I want. Some people have called me a serial tapist. And it’s sure, I am. When you’re president, they let you do it.

Lester Holt: Okay, moving on. A lot of people are worried about who you will replace James Comey with at FBI. Can you reassure us all that you’re not gonna pick someone crazy like judge Judy?

Donald Trump: I can promise you this right now, whoever I choose is going to be so bonkers, you’re gonna wish like it was Judge Judy, okay?

Lester Holt: Okay, Mr. Trump, are you trolling us? Because this week, you also met with the Russian Ambassador in the oval office. You must have known the optics that would be terrible.

Donald Trump: Come on! Do you think I care about optics? Look at me. I sit on every chair like it’s a toilet. Okay?

Lester Holt: It’s a good point, sir. But in the future, can you stop and think about the optics? Because every single day, it’s something nuts. Your presidency is like the craziest show on TV and it’s on 24 hours a day, and we can’t keep up.

Donald Trump: Well, too bad because this show is gonna run for eight years. Okay? Even though it should have been canceled months ago, but don’t worry. We have plenty of fun plot twists coming up. A lot of your favorite characters will be coming back. Kim Jung-Un, Carter Page, even that psycho Steve Miller, okay? Also, I don’t want to give away too much. But in an up coming episode, we will find it if Kellyanne has been dead this whole time. Okay?

Lester Holt: Well, thank you for being here sir. On behalf of every, I just wanna say I can’t believe you are president.

Donald Trump: I feel you, Tupac.  And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Donald Trump Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Steve Bannon

Jared Kushner… Jimmy Fallon

[Starts with Donald Trump and Mike Pence in White House]

Donald Trump: Oh, Pence. Pence has started to believe I’ve president almost 100 days and I’ve already done so much. It’s hard to keep track of it all. Read to me again from the list of my accomplishments.

Mike Pence: Of course, sir. Nominated Neil Gorsuch.

Donald Trump: God, I love that list. What a beautiful, long list. But Mike, you forgot about all the bombings that I’ve been doing. I just dropped the mother of all bombs on ISIS. The biggest, fattest bomb they’ve ever seen. It’s so big and fat, it almost looks like me when I’m on my golf clothes.

Mike Pence: I’ll add that to the list, sir.

Donald Trump: Look around, Mike. We got so many great memories in this room.

Mike Pence: Yeah. If these walls could talk.

Donald Trump: Oh my god, can they? It wasn’t me.

Mike Pence: No, sir. That’s just a saying.

Donald Trump: Anyway, like I was saying, so many memories in this room. This is where I met with the Chinese president.

Mike Pence: That was at Mar-A-Lago, sir.

Donald Trump: This is where I ordered the Syrian strike.

Mike Pence: That was also at Mar-A-Lago, sir.

Donald Trump: This is where I showed classified information to the Japanese prime minister.

Mike Pence: That was in front of waiters at Mar-A-Lago, sir.

Donald Trump: I know one thing that was here for sure. Remember when I refused to shake the hand with that little German boy?

Mike Pence: Umm, you mean Angela Merkel.

Donald Trump: Whatever his name was. the point is, these 100 days have been such a success. And I’m so sad my presidency is finally coming to an end.

Mike Pence: No sir, you still have over 1300 days left.

Donald Trump: I don’t know. Have you seen my tweets about North Korea? This could all be over by Monday.

Mike Pence: Ha-ha. Sir, I love when you so casually joke about North Korean.

Donald Trump: Oh, no, no. I take North Korea very seriously. Kim Jong-Un is a bad, bad guy. He’s a war monger. He’s quick to anger. He’s a huge narcissist. He’s got the stupid little haircut. I mean, how can a little man like that run an entire country?

Mike Pence: I have no idea, sir. I just wish you’d leave North Korea alone. I mean, we have plenty of problems at home. For example, your top advisor Steve Bannon and Jared Kushner have been at each other’s throats. It’s a huge distraction for us. I think you need to talk to them.

Donald Trump: Fine! Send in Steve Bannon. Send him in.

[Steve Bannon walks in. He’s a grim reaper.]

Steve, wow! You’ve never looked younger. Now, send in my sweet little kush ball, Jared Kushner.

[Jared Kushner walks in wearing a bullet proof vest over his suit]

Boys, I’ve called you here for an important reason. Mike, will you excuse us?

Mike Pence: Happy to, sir. Mother is waiting. That’s what I call my wife.

Donald Trump: Oh, no, don’t do that. Don’t do that. I know I’m bad with women, but that sounds even worse.

Mike Pence: Understood, father.

[Mike Pence leaves]

Donald Trump: Jared, Steve, standing before are my two top advisors. But I only have one photo in my hand. That’s right, tonight is elimination night. There has been a lot of drama in the house and that’s why one of you must go. Now. Who gets to stay? Jared? You take the most beautiful photos. Steve, you take the worst photos I have ever seen in my life. And I’m not joking. When I see a photo of you, it makes me want to puke. Okay? Jared, I’ve sent you all around the world to represent me and no one has ever heard you speak. You’re like a little Jewish Omaly. And Steve, you may be smart, but I once walked in on you eating a live pig in the Roosevelt room.

Steve Bannon: Ha-ha-ha. Yeah.

Donald Trump: Moment of truth. The photo in my hand represents the man who will be staying tonight. You will get to keep advising me and you will also get $100,000 courtesy of L’Oreal. If you do not see your photo, you must immediately leave the Oval Office and join Kellyanne Conway in the basement. But don’t worry, your journey doesn’t end tonight because you will bet to come back at the end of all of this and help send me to prison. And the person that will stay on as my adviser is… Jared. Congratulations, Jared. And Steve, I’m sorry, but it’s a good bye. Take him back to hell.

[a bigger grim reaper walks in and takes Steve Bannon away]

Steve Bannon: [screaming] No!

Donald Trump: Jared, you’re such an inspiration. You showed everybody that if you are born rich and marry my daughter, you can have anything you want. Have a seat at your new desk. I’d like you to just fix everything, okay? [Donald Trump leaves the president’s desk to Jared Kushner] If you need me, I will be over here in mine. [Donald Trump sits on a smaller desk that’s beside president’s desk]

Hey, Jared, I know you don’t like to talk, but why don’t you take it away? Shall we?

[Jared Kushner is struggling to speak]

God, you’re such a cute little twink! And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Alien Attack Cold Open

General… Kenan Thompson

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Alien… Bobby Moynihan

Leslie Jones

Sasheer Zamata

Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: In the year 2018, aliens landed on earth. They did not come in peace.

[Cut to General briefing his soldiers]

General: Men, women, the hour is upon us. [cheers and applause] The aliens are stronger than we thought which means the fight for humanity begins now. We may be down but we are not out. We’ve lost limbs. We’ve lost lives. But we will not lose the United States of America. Now, let’s get out there, destroy those aliens and save the human race. But first, your commander in chief wants to say a word.

[Donald Trump walks in. He is also wearing a military jacket.] [cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Hello, yes. What a beautiful day. Who here loves Trump? I know this guy over here, [pointing at dead man] he loves Trump. Now, here’s the deal. We are going to beat these aliens because we have got the best military, but we don’t win anymore. And the aliens are laughing at us. They’re killing us and they’re laughing at us.

General: We know that aliens are killing us, sir. They have the most advanced weponized technology we have ever seen. What should we do?

Donald Trump: Okay, here’s what we do. Here’s what we’re gonna do. We are going to bring coal back. Okay? We’re going to have so much coal, you’re going ty say, “Where did all this coal come from? I never knew there could be so much coal.”

General: But Mr. President, what about the aliens? They just vaporized the entire state of California.

Donald Trump: So then, I won the popular vote?

General: Sir, please. Everyone in California is dead.

Donald Trump: Even Arnold?

General: Sir, yes, we are dealing with a highly advanced species here. They are from Zorblat-9. Their ships are invisible. They’re telepathic.

Donald Trump: Okay. No, we don’t know that they are from Zorblat-9. I’ve actually heard Zorblat-9 is very beautiful, very fantastic.

Kyle: Oh, my god. Does he have business ties on Zorblat-9?

[explosion sound]

Beck: General, the aliens are outside the base.

General: Mr. President, please. We have to do something. Look how much the aliens control. This is the aliens and this is us. [showing all United States map captured by the aliens except them.]

Donald Trump: This is us?

General: Yes.

Donald Trump: That is a great show. “This Is Us.” I can’t watch it because it’s on NBC and NBC has been unfair to me.

Alex: Sir, I have terrible news. New York city has been attacked. And Trump Hotel has been completely destroyed causing $50 million in damages.

Donald Trump: More like $1 billion.

Alex: Well, luckily no lives were lost because no one was staying at the hotel.

Donald Trump: That’s not true. Everyone loves to stay at my hotel. I’m sure a bunch o top shelf classy people died there.

[explosion sound]

Aidy: The aliens, they’re coming.

Donald Trump: I actually heard the aliens are already here. They have been hiding in this country for hundreds of years. It’s a fact. They’re shapeshifters. They look like regular people, but they’re aliens. Look, there’s one right there. [pointing at Leslie]

Leslie: What? I am not an alien.

Donald Trump: Yes, she is. And so is the woman next to her right there. [pointing at Sasheer]

Sasheer: Oh! Okay, no.

General: Sir, where are you getting this information?

Donald Trump: From a very reputable source.

General: What? The FBI, CIA?

Donald Trump: Info Wars, it’s a radio show hosted by Alex Jones. You know he is legit because he’s always taking off his shirt. Okay? And that is why I hair-by demand– Sorry, I here be bedamned– Sorry, I Fergie Dabid– Sorry, I Gigi Hadid that we launch a full investigation into these two aliens right now. They’re inside the base. [explosion]

Kate: General, they’re here. They’re inside the base.

General: Alright, troops. The time has come to fight as brothers, as sisters, as Americans. Now join me in the pledge of allegiance. I pledge allegiance to the flag of …

All soldiers: The United States of America and to the republic for which it stands. One nation under god. [Donald Trump is speaking gibberish because he doesn’t know what to say] Indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

[Aliens walk in]

Alien: Humans! Resistance is futile. Take me to your leader.

Donald Trump: [pointing at General] It’s him. He’s the president.

General: No, I’m not. You are.

Alien: Really? This is gonna be so easy.

Alien, General and Donald Trump: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.