Tag: Cold Open

Jeff Sessions Gump Cold Open

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett

Leslie Jones

Kyle Mooney

Aidy Bryant

Minny… Octavia Spencer

[Starts with Jeff Sessions and Leslie sitting down on a bench of a park. This sketch is mimicking of the movie Forest Gump.]

Jeff Sessions: Hello, my name if Jeff. Jeff Sessions. Would you like a chocolate?
Leslie: No, thank you.

Jeff Sessions: Alright, well, I’m gonna have one. I’m the Attorney General of the whole United States. I got to meet the president and everything. He shook my hand like this. [shows how he shook his hand] Being in the government is so fun. Have you ever been in it?

Leslie: No, never.

Jeff Sessions: Alright. We meet so many nice people. Like this. [showing her a picture] This is my best good friend Kellyanne. She ain’t got no legs. Why you ain’t got no legs, Kellyanne? We’re about as close as pease and carrots. She’s a best talker you ever heard. They say she could sell stink to a skink. But they don’t let her talk anymore. I miss you Kelly. You sure you don’t want chocolate? [Leslie shakes her head] I always say, life is like a box of chocolate. Sure are a whole lot of brown ones in there.

[Jeff Sessions takes one chocolate out and eats it staring at Leslie]

Leslie: No!

[Leslie stands and takes a bus]

Jeff Sessions: Alright, have a good day.

[Kyle sits beside Jeff Sessions]

I was in the cover of “The New York Times.” You wanna see?

Kyle: It says you might have committed perjury.

Jeff Sessions: Yeah. I had a bad week. Started out real good. President made a great speech. Folks were thrilled on the account of it was real word on a roll for a whole hour. We was all as happy as monkey with a peanut machine. Then I went to bed, I got 800 messages and phone alerts saying I was a sneaky little liar. I didn’t know what to do. So my lawyer said, “Run, Jeffy, run.” And I started running and running. I ended up all the way sitting at this bus stop with you.

Kyle: Well, it’s a nice day for that.

Jeff Sessions: Hmm. This whole mess began with a congressional hearing. This senator from up north started asking me all these question about Russian, on if I ever talked to them. I got so nervous and confused. I got about as worked up as a double donged piggy in a room full of sows. So I said, “No, I never talked to no Russians ever.” That’s all I got to say about that.

[a bus passes by. Now Aidy is sitting beside Jeff Sessions]

I talked to the Russians. Twice. You know, I met with a fellow who turned out to be Russian on the account of he was the Russian ambassador. His name was Sergie Kisleya. Now, I remember any name with the words ‘gay kiss’ in it. But I was the only one who talked to the Russians. Well, me and Michael Flynn. And J.D. GORDON. So it’s just me, Michael Flynn and J.D. Gordon.  And Jared Kushner at Trump Tower. So, me, Michael Flynn, J.D. Gordon and Jared Kushner at Trump Tower. And Carter Page. And that’s all I got to say about that. And Paul Manifort. I’m gonna have another one of these chocolates. I wish I could go back to the White House and see Mr. Trump. I miss you, Donnie. Democrats want me to resign. I just got to prove to everybody that I don’t have any ties to the Russians what so ever.

[a bus passes by. Now Vladimir Putin is sitting beside Jeff Sessions]

Vladimir Putin: This meeting never happened.

Jeff Sessions: I wasn’t going to remember it anyway.

[a bus passes by. Now Minny from ‘The Help’ walks in and sits beside Jeff Sessions]

Minny: Hello.

Jeff Sessions: Hello.

Minny: Are you Jeff Sessions?

Jeff Sessions: Yes, ma’am. I am.

Minny: The one Coretta Scott King wrote the letter about?

Jeff Sessions: Oh, wow! Well, that was 40 years ago. You still remember that?

Minny: Oh, a lot of people in Alabama remember that, sir. My name’s Minny, you don’t know me, I am from a different movie. And I have a pie that I baked especially for you. [Minny gives a pie to Jeff Sessions]

Jeff Sessions: Thank you. That is a mighty kind gesture. Thank you. It looks delicious. Hey, is this what I think it is.

Minny: It is.

[Minny stands and walks away]

Jeff Sessions: Hmm, my favorite. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Sean Spicer Press Conference Cold Open (Melissa McCarthy)

Sean Spicer… Melissa McCarthy

Glen Thrush… Bobby Moynihan

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

Sasheer Zamata

Mikey Day

Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with a video message]

Male voice: We now go live to the Daily White House press briefing with press secretary Sean Spicer.

[Cut to Sean Spicer on a podium]

[cheers and applause]

Sean Spicer: Alright everyone, be quiet. Be seated. Sit down. Sit down. Alright. First of all, I’ld like to announce I am calm now. And I will remain calm as long as you sons of– I’m not gonna do that because that’s is the old spicy. And this is the new spicy. And I have been told that I must cut back on the gum chewing so I am now limiting myself to one slice a day. [showing a huge gum] So, I’m going to enjoy my one and only and you can just sit and watch. [Sean Spicer opens the huge gum and chews it. Then puts it on the podium.] I’ll get back to you later. Now, I’d like to begin with president’s schedule. Three PM, president Trump will meet with the leader from Central Asia, president… oh, boy, [not being able to read the president’s name] Asma-back-atima-baby. OKay? To discuss the unrest in Kahaga– [not being able to read the country’s place] Kahagasthan. Specifically in.. Arabara– [not being able to read the place’s name] Arawanaabag. So, write that. And they will be joined by his wife… um, I’m just gonna pass on that one. You know what? Let’s just call her Connie. Alright? Okay, did that. Now, I’m going to open this up for questions. And I’m gonna probably freak if you start asking stupid ones. Speaking of freaks and stupid ones, , Glenn Thrush, New York Times, stupid hat, so.

[Cut to Glenn Thrush]

Glenn: Look, I just wanted to know what the president intends to do now that the appeals court denied his request to stop the travel ban?

[Cut to Sean Spicer breathing heavy]

Sean Spicer: [looking above] You’re testing me, big guy. Look, it’s simple. If the appeals court won’t do what’s right, president Trump will see them in court. Specifically, the people’s court.

[Cut to Glenn Thrush]

Glenn: That isn’t real.

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: [mocking Glenn] Uh, that isn’t real. I’m Glenn, and I’m not really– [yelling] It is real, Glenn! It says that right before each case, Glen. It says cases are real. The rulings are final. Don’t f* with me Glenn. Next question. It’s turkey.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Um, the president has said there should be a test to see if immigrants truly love America. What would that test even be?

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: Um, it’s easy, it’s extreme vetting. Extreme vetting.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Um, what does that mean? Extreme vetting?

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: What does it mean? It means it’s extreme! Okay? You know what? Spicy is going to explain it so you dumb babies can understand it. So I guess I can’t use my big words. I’m gonna have to use my dollies.

[Sean Spicer steps aside. There are two boxes in front of him]

Alright? You ready for dollies so you can understand what’s going on? Here’s how it’s going to go down. You’ve got your TSA agent right here, okay? [showing an action figure] And first you have a barbie coming in. [showing a barbie doll] Nice American girl back from a dream vacation. We know she’s okay because she’s blonde. So she gets in. [throwing the barbie inside another box] Easy. We understand that perfect. Now who’s up next? [showing another black barbie] Oh-oh! It’s Moana.  Whoa, whoa, slow your roll, honey. And then we are going to pat her down and then we’re gonna read her emails. And if we don’t like the answers which we won’t, boom! Guantanamo Bay.

[Sean Spicer walks back to the podium]

Alright, let’s go! Next question.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Yes. Earlier this week, you said there was a terrorist attack in Atlanta.

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: [laughing] Um, yeah. I said that wrong when I said it, and then you wrote it, which makes you wrong. Because when I say something wrong, you guys should know what it is I mean? Wrong or right, you are wrong. And that’s why you’re here. Obviously I meant Orlanta.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Orlando.

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: [getting angry] You know what? [Sean Spicer picks up the gum she had put on the podium and throws it to Sasheer] Okay? Look, the problem is all these terrorist instances and incidents that you are not reporting on. Okay? I have a whole list here that you never even write about. Never covered them once. Let’s read from the list. Okay? The Bowling Green massacre. Not the Kellyanne one. The real one. Okay? The horror in Six Flags. The slaughter at Fragglerock. The night they drove Old Dixie down. Okay? And then there was some light terrorism this week when Nordstorm’s decided to stop selling Ivanka Trump’s line of clothing and accessories. Okay? And that’s Nordstrom’s loss. Because these are high, high quality products. IN fact, I am waring one of her bangles right now. It’s beautiful, it’s shimmery, it’s elegant and at $39.99? [Details to product and phone number to buy appears on screen like those of commercial ads] It is unbelievably affordable. Okay? And don’t even get me started on her shoes. Alright? These babies are real turners. Okay, now we have brand new Attorney General and everyone is very excited about him. And he’s going to answer some questions as well as, here we go! yeah! Jeff Sessions.

[Jeff Sessions walks in]

Jeff Sessions: Thank you so much. Thank you. This is awesome. Thank you so much. I do want to say I appreciate it. The fierce debate around my nomination. Lindsay Graham came in like a porcupine. But then my friend Mitch McConnell swoop in like an alligator, bite a head off. We know there are two kinds of crime, regular and black.

[Sean Spicer runs in and pushes Jeff Sessions away]

Sean Spicer: Alright! Alright! Case made! Case made! Thank you, secretary Sessions. Now, as you know, we do need some one here to bring back law and order because places like Chicago, the murder rate is over 80%. 80% of people the people in Chicago have been murdered and are dead. And that’s on you. You did that.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Yeah. You know what? I’m looking at the real numbers here and they directly contradict everything you said.

[Sean Spicer comes forward with a leaf blower and uses it on Cecily.]

Sean Spicer: You know what that was? That was me blowing away their dishonesty. Alright, any other questions?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Yeah. Um, just mentally though, are you okay?

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: Are you kidding me? [This time, she has an automatic podium that runs like a bike, so she runs it to it Kyle.] Run! You better run! You don’t have a chance. And life from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Oval Office Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

David… Kyle Mooney

Steve Bannon

Malcolm Turnbull… Beck Bennett

Enrique Peña Nieto… Alex Moffat

Angela Merkel… Mate McKinnon

Emmerson Mnangagwa… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Donald Trump in the oval office]

[cheers and applause]

[David walks in]

David: Excuse me, Mr. President, I’m heading home for the night. Can I get you anything?

Donald Trump: No, thank you, David. But hey, how do you like working at the White House? Are your parents proud?

David: I tell them I work at Applebee’s.

Donald Trump: That’s great. One more thing, you know I love my daughter Ivanka and her husband Jared. They always keep me so calm and make sure I don’t do anything too crazy.

David: That’s true, sir.

Donald Trump: So, quick question, are they gone?

David: Yes, they don’t work on shabbat.

Donald Trump: Perfect. When the Jews are away, the goys will play. So send in Steve Bannon.

[David walks out]

[creepy music playing and a grim reaper walks in. He is Steve Bannon.]

Steve Bannon: Hello, Donald. I have arrived.

Donald Trump: Hi Steve, you look rested.

Steve Bannon: Thank you.

Donald Trump: Not me. I’ve had a long day. I’m tired and cranky. And I feel like I could just freak out on somebody.

Steve Bannon: Then maybe you should call Australia.

Donald Trump: Really? I mean, I haven’t been briefed or anything. But, what could go wrong? Let’s do it. Let’s do it.

[Donald Trump makes a phone call]

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Malcolm Turnbull]

Malcolm Turnbull: Hello, primi Minister Turnbull.

Donald Trump: Yes, hello. It’s the Donald.

Malcolm Turnbull: President Trump. How are you? I hear there’s been a lot of blowback over your Muslim ban.

Donald Trump: No there wasn’t. Everyone loves it. We had to do it because of that huge massacre at bowling green.

Malcolm Turnbull: Never heard of that one.

Donald Trump: Yeah, it was horrible. So many people died, but actually, they’re the lucky ones. They don’t have to see how bad ‘The Apprentice’ has gotten.

Malcolm Turnbull: Well, Mr. Trump, thank you for still accepting our refugees.

Donald Trump: Homie say what?

Malcolm Turnbull: President Obama said America would accept 1,200 refugees. Your country’s compassion will not be forgotten.

Donald Trump: No, no, no. NO, refugees. America first, Australia sucks, your reef is failing, prepare to go to war.

[Donald Trump hangs up the phone]

Malcolm Turnbull: Wait, wait, what?

[Cut to Donald Trump and Steve Bannon]

Donald Trump: Steve, I think that went bad. Was that bad?

Steve Bannon: No, it went just according to plan.

Donald Trump: Whose plan? Your plan?

Steve Bannon: No, your plan.

Donald Trump: Oh, okay. Good. Let’s call Mexico. I figured out a smart diplomatic way to get them to pay for this wall.

[Donald Trump makes a phone call]

[Cut to split screen of Donald Trump and Enrique Peña Nieto]

Enrique Peña Nieto: Ola, President Peña Nieto.

Donald Trump: Guy who’s going to pay for the wall says, “What?”

Enrique Peña Nieto: Que?

Donald Trump: No, guy who’s going to pay for the wall says, “What?”

Enrique Peña Nieto: Que?

Donald Trump: NO, no, you have to say “What?”

Enrique Peña Nieto: Ha-ha-ha. You said “What”, you’re going to pay for the wall.

Donald Trump: No way, you’re paying, loser! You’re bad hombre. Here come our tanks. Prepare to go to war.

[Donald Trump hangs up the phone]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Steve Bannon]

Donald Trump: Hey, Steve, I’m getting too worked up, maybe I should stop.

Steve Bannon: Or, maybe you should call Germany.

Donald Trump: Okay.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Angela Merkel]

Angela Merkel: Hello? Is this my sweet Barack? Barack Obama, I miss you.

Donald Trump: No, it’s Donald Trump.

Angela Merkel: Ah! Gross. Hi, Donald. Are your people still protesting?

Donald Trump: Yes, everyone is marching in the street, they’re so upset about how bad ‘The Apprentice’ has gotten. But I’m feeling great. Tomorrow, I’m having lunch with very important up and comer. His name is Frederick Douglas.  I’m trying to get hold of him right now. He’s very busy though.

Angela Merkel: Um-hmm. Well, that’s very cool, Donald. I think I should– I have to go.

Donald Trump: Also, I want to be serious for just a moment. Last week, it was holocaust remembrance day. As you know, 6 million were at my inauguration. I mean, there were so many people at my inauguration, the media refuses to cover it, so unfair. One day I’m going to write a memoir about this struggle and call it ‘My Struggle.’ What would that be in German? Angela?

Angela Merkel: It’s actually Angela (An-Gel-la).

Donald Trump: what?

Angela Merkel: My name is Angela.

Donald Trump: No, no, don’t correct me. I’m in charge now, Germany sucks, your wall failed, prepare to go to war.

[Donald Trump hangs up the phone.]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Steve Bannon]

Steve Bannon: Good. That was hilarious.

Donald Trump: Thank you, Steve. Thank you. Oh, I just had a great idea, watch this.

[Donald Trump is making a phone call]

Emmerson Mnangagwa: Hello?

Donald Trump: Hello, congratulations, you’ve won a free cruise for tour to Hawaii. All you need is your country’s credit card number.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Enrique Peña Nieto]

Enrique Peña Nieto: We’re not paying for the wall, Donald.

Donald Trump: Yes, you are!

[Donald Trump hangs up the phone]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Steve Bannon]

Steve, all of our so-called allies are being so mean to me.

Steve Bannon: Why don’t you call some random little country, show them who’s the boss?

Donald Trump: What about Zimbabwe?

Steve Bannon: Perfect! Show them the might of America!

[Donald Trump is making a phone call]

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Emmerson Mnangagwa]

Emmerson Mnangagwa: Hello.

Donald Trump: Zimbabwe, this is new sheriff in town.

Emmerson Mnangagwa: Wait, is this Donald Trump?

Donald Trump: Yes.

Emmerson Mnangagwa: You think you are dictator? I will rip out your spine and drink from your skull. You cannot even walk downstairs you little white bitch! Don’t you ever call Zimbabwe again.

[Emmerson Mnangagwa hangs up the phone]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Steve Bannon]

Steve Bannon: Okay, Donald. That’s enough fun for tonight. Can I have my desk back?

Donald Trump: Yes, of course, Mr. President. I’ll go sit at my desk, yeah.

[Donald Trump leaves the president’s seat for Steve Bannon]

[Donald Trump sits at a little desk that’s beside president’s desk]

[Donald Trump is playing with toys]

So much fun, I love it.

Steve Bannon: Yeah, this is fun. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Vladimir Putin Cold Open

Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett

Olya Povlatsky… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with video message]

Male voice: And now a paid message from the Russian Federation.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin in his office. He is not wearing any shirt.]

Vladimir Putin: Hello, America. Yesterday we all made Donald Trump the 45th president of the United States. Hurray! We did it! Huh? And today, many of you are scared and marching in the streets. You are worried that your country is in the hands of this unpredictable man, but don’t worry. It’s not. [smirking] Relax! I got this. Put is going to make everything okay. I promise that we will take care of America. It’s the most expensive thing we’ve ever bought.

I know many of you Americans are skeptical of president Trump. Many Russians were skeptical of me at first too. But today, nobody ever seems to hear from any of them. It’s like, they’re gone. It always works out. So, why are American women protesting? Huh? In Russian, women have no reason to protest. Listen to this woman.

[Olya Povlatsky walks in with a piece of paper to read]

Olya Povlatsky: Hello, I am Olya, a Russian woman. I am so happy. Each day I wake up with big smile on my face like this. [making horrified face] Ah! I sleep in bed, not in carcass of dog. My president is number one hottie for all time.

Vladimir Putin: Whoa, whoa. That’s a lot, but it’s fair. Here you go. [Vladimir Putin pulls a fish out and gives it to Olya Povlatsky]

Olya Povlatsky: Wow! My pension.

[Olya Povlatsky runs out]

Vladimir Putin: Now, do I think your new president is perfect? Hah, perhaps not. But don’t worry. I will get him there. Donald, let’s talk as friends. You’re not off to a great start, man! I thought you’d be better at this. However, I’m glad to see so many people showed up to your inauguration.

[Cut to a huge crowd]

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Oh, wait. That’s the women’s march. Here is inauguration.

[Cut to a picture of Donald Trump’s inauguration crowd]

[Cut to Vladimir Putin shaking his head]

And today you went to the CIA and said 1 million people came to see you in Washington DC? If you’re going to lie, don’t make it so obvious. Say that you are friends with LeBron James, not that you are LeBron James.

And I saw your speech too. It was a little bleak, no? Trust me. I know bleak. I wake up every day and I’m in Russia. Also, your whole inauguration was kind of heavy on the god stuff, huh? I never heard you say god that much. And I have tapes of you having sex. What was with the outfit on Kellyanne Conway? Look?

[Cut to a picture of Kellyanne Conway wearing weird dress.]

I mean, does she work for you or is she holding the door for people at FAO Schwartz? I still love you, Kellyanne. Also a dear friend.

So listen, America. It’s going to be fine. Frankly, wouldn’t it be nice to have a good relationship between our countries again? Russia is leading exporter of so many things Americans need, like, oil, track suits and scary pornography. Hah? And who knows? One day your country could be as happy as we are here in Russian. We are not divided. [Olya Povlatsky is looking a Vladimir Putin from outside the window that’s behind Vladimir Putin] You know, like you. Because all our people are so glad for their freedom. So, America, it’s going to be a long four years for many of you. But remember, we are in this together. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Donald Trump Press Conference Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Pete Davidson

Vanessa Bayer

Sherry Dillon… Cecily Strong

Eric… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Vladimi Putin… Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

Melissa Villaseñor

Kate McKinnon

Sasheer Zamata

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: The following is a rebroadcast of Donald Trump’s first press conference as President-Elect.

[Cut to Donald Trump on his press conference]

Donald Trump: Hello. Thank you for coming. I’d like to start by answering the question that’s on everyone’s mind. Yes, this is real life. This is really happening. On January 28th, I Donald J. Trump will become the 45th president of the United States, and then two months later Mike Pence will become the 46th. I am so excited to live in the White House. I’m even gonna have a little pet like all the presidents do. Bill Clinton had Sox, Barack Obama had Bow and I’ll have Paul Ryan. I mean I’m not gay but I cannot wait to give it to that man for four years. Hey guys, who is excited for my inauguration day?

[cheers and applause]

Yes, thank you to those people over there who I definitely did not pay to do that. And we have got some of the biggest performers of the world lined up. Hold on to your tits and bits because we have got Three Doors Down. Also from America’s Got Talent, we’ve got Jackie what’s her face. Beast of all, we’ve got the One Rockette with the least money in her savings. We’ve also got some huge A list actors coming like, Angelina Jolie, Ryan Gosling and Jennifer Lawrence. They’ll all be at my inauguration, courtesy of Madame Tussauds.

Now, as you all know, this is my first press conference in six months. There’s so much to talk about. I’m bringing jobs back. I’m picking the best cabinet. So, go ahead, ask me anything. Yes, you.

[Cut to Pere]

Pete: Hey, ABC news. I’d like to ask you about your big Russian pee-pee party.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No. No. I am not talking about the pee-pee because because it didn’t happen and it wasn’t as cool as it sounds. Next question.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Yes. Justice Scalia’s death has left a vacancy on the supreme court. Many are wondering about your timeline for replacement. So I guess my question is, did you guys like all pee or just watch them pee?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Guys. No, no, I do not want to talk about the pee-pee. I want to talk about what is really important which is jobs, because I am going to bring back a thick stream of jobs back to this country. The biggest, strongest, steadiest stream you’ve ever seen. This country will be literally showered with jobs. Because I am a major wiz at jobs. It will be a golden opportunity for me as a president to make a big splash. Now, who’s with me? I know you’re in. How about you? You’re in? You’re in? You’re in? You’re in? [sounds like ‘urine’] Okay. Next question.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Yes, Mr. Trump, you and the republicans want to repeal Obamacare, but why would you do that before coming up with a replacement plan?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Because Obamacare is a disaster and I actually do have a replacement plan, okay? I just read about it this week. It’s a terrific plan, just great. It’s called the Affordable Care Act.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: That’s the same thing as Obamacare. And if you repeal it, 20 million people will lose their health insurance. I mean, people could die.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Listen, sweetheart, I’m about to be president. We’re all going to die. Next question.

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa: Yes. Mr. Trump, many people are concerned about all your business conflicts. Have you taken the proper steps to divest from your companies?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Yes, I have. I’ve turned over all my businesses to my two sons, Beavis and Butthead. They’re here today. Come and get a shot of them.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump, Donald Trump Jr. and Eric]

Look at those two little American psychos. You can tell they’re good businessmen because of how licked back their hair is. Explain how it will work, boys.

Donald Trump Jr.: I’ll be in charge of the day to day operations as well as overseeing all new deals moving forward.

Eric: And I’m Eric.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Thanks boys. I know some of you think I”m not really divesting from my companies and it’s all a big scam. Here with actual proof of my tax lawyer.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s tax lawyer. She is standing behind a table that has a lot of paper works on it.]

Sherry Dillon: Hello, yes, my name is Sherry Dillon. I’m his lawyer. And this right here are the papers to prove Mr. Trump is really divesting. I mean, look at all these papers. If he wasn’t divesting, how could there be so many dang papers? This paper’s here. This paper’s here. It’s like, “Help, help, lifeguard, I’m practically drowning in papers.” Still don’t believe me? I’ll read every paper out loud right now. Starting with this one, oh that’s right, they’re fake.

[Sherry Dillon walks away]

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: God, I’m loving this press conference. Love the press. I respect the press. Let’s take another question from press.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Hi. Yeah, I’m from Buzzfeed, and–

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: [interrupting] No, no, no, no. Not you, Buzzfeed. You’re a failing pile of garbage and you wanna know why? Because I took your quiz yesterday. I’ll tel you right now, I”m not a Joey, I am a Rachel. Who else has a question? I love the press.

[Cut to Jim Acosta]

Jim Acosta: Um, Yes. Jim Acosta, CNN.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No, not CNN either. You’re overrated. Fake news. I tried to watch your network last night and it was just some crazy blonde woman sprouting lies.

[Cut to Jim Acosta]

Jim Acosta: That was Kellyanne Conway.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Oh, right. God, I love Kellyanne. Everyday it looks like she does the ice bucket challenge with her make up. Next question.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Hi. Yes, Dr. Ben Carson’s confirmation hearing this week has characterized as shanky. Are you sure he’s qualified for this cabinet position?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Let me tell you something. Ben Carson is great. He’s going to be the best brain surgeon to ever run the housing department.If he has any trouble, I just appointed someone yesterday to help him out. This man is an African American icon who has done so much for our country.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Oh, is it congressman John Lewis? that man is a hero.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No. I got someone even better. Steve Harvey.

[Steve Harvey walks in]

Steve Harvey: Ha-ha-ha. Yeah, that’s right. It’s me Steve Harvey. Yeah, I do government now. Does this bode well for our country? Survey says! [wrong answer buzzer]

[Steve Harvey walks out]

Donald Trump: thank you, Steve. Let’s take another question.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Hello, Mr. Trump. The intelligence community has said definitively that Russia hacked the election. Why won’t you say one the records that you agree with them?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I will. I’m happy to say that.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Then do it. Say Russia hacked the election.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: [gibberish]

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: I’m sorry I couldn’t hear you. A little louder please.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: [gibberish]

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: A little louder please.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Okay, fine! Russia hacked the election. are you happy, mom? Next question. Yes, you sir.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: Yes, hello. I am American Journalist Wolf Blitzer. Are you sure Russia was behind hacking?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I mean, maybe.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: But are you really, really sure? [showing Donald Trump pee-pee party video tape]

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: It was China. I mean Canada.  It was Meryl Streep. Okay. This press converence is over. Thank you all for peeing here– I mean, for pissing here– I mean being here. And Life from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Donald Trump Christmas Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett

Rex Tillerson… John Goodman

[Starts with Donald Trump and Kellyanne Conway in Trump Tower]

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, it’s almost Christmas. Do we have to talk business now?

Kellyanne Conway: I am afraid so, Mr. Trump. I know you’ve been so busy out on your thank you tour.

Donald Trump: I had to do it. I just felt an obligation to thank all my supporters by standing in front of them while they cheer for me. Let’s get this over with. Are there any more cabinet picks left?

Kellyanne Conway: Okay, we’re almost full, sir. Rick Perry has agreed to be secretary of energy.

Donald Trump: Is that a great choice? I saw him on Dancing With the Stars. This guy has so much energy. He’s just unpresidented. So now, all I have to do is pick who will be president.

Kellyanne Conway: That’s you, sir.

Donald Trump: Can I just do it three days a week like Howard Stern does?

Kellyanne Conway: I don’t think so.

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, what will you be doing in my administration?

Kellyanne Conway: Oh, oh, what I’ve always done. Master Illusionist. Also, I’ve put together a list of people who have agreed to perform you inauguration at seven. [Kellyanne Conway pulls out a small piece of paper as the list]

Donald Trump: So many great names here. Really. I love them both.

[Melania Trump walks in]

Melania Trump: Donald, enough with the working. Let’s do the Christmas.

Donald Trump: Okay, Melania. Kellyanne, let’s take a break but stay close by, would you?

Kellyanne Conway: Okay, don’t worry. I’m handcuffed to you for all of histories.

[Kellyanne Conway walks out]

[banging sound]

Donald Trump: What’s that sound?

Melania Trump: I think it’s coming from the chimney.

Donald Trump: Is it a ghost? Am I being scrooged? I hate that.

Melania Trump: Oh, Donald! I think it’s a–

[Vladimir Putin comes out of the chimney top nude with Santa’s gift sack]

Vladimir Putin: That’s right.

Donald Trump: Vladimir, this is such a great surprise.

Melania Trump: What are you doing here?

Vladimir Putin: I was just in town. You know, hiding in the walls.

Donald Trump: Okay, come in, come in. It’s so great to finally get a chance to talk in person. I composed an email to you but I haven’t even sent it yet.

Vladimir Putin: I know. Mr. Trump, I’m here because your CIA is saying that we Russians tried to make you win election.

Donald Trump: I know, all lies made up by some very bitter people who need to move on.

Vladimir Putin: So, you trust me more than American CIA?

Donald Trump: All I know is I won.

Vladimir Putin: Wow, this guy is blowing my mind. Donald, I want to state officially that we in Russia are so happy that you are US president.

Donald Trump: Oh, thank you.

Vladimir Putin: We think you’re the best candidate.

Donald Trump: Sure.

Vladimir Putin: The smartest candidate.

Donald Trump: No doubt.

Vladimir Putin: The Manchurian candidate.

Donald Trump: I don’t know what that means but it sounds tremendous.

Vladimir Putin: And since it is Christmas after all, you know, I got you a gift. [Vladimir Putin pulls out a doll from the sack] This is Elf on the Shelf. He’s fun. You just put it right here next to your internet router. [Vladimir Putin puts the doll over the chimney next to the internet router]

[sound of machine turning]

Yeah, you keep it there all year. It’s fun. Yes?

Donald Trump: Yeah. it’s beautiful, Vladimir. I’m sorry but I didn’t know you were coming, so I do not have a gift for you.

Vladimir Putin: Please, Mr. Trump, you are the gift.

[Melania Trump walks in]

Melania Trump: Um, Donald, can we talk?

Donald Trump: Of course, excuse us, Vladimir.

[Donald Trump goes to a corner with Melania Trump]

Melania Trump: Donald, I do not trust this man. Okay? Think of it this way. He’s a person you did not know who came from a foreign country and just started flattering you, what would you do?

Donald Trump: Marry them.

Melania Trump: Donald, no. You must tell this man to leave.

Donald Trump: Okay, Melania. Alright. [walks to Vladimir Putin] Vladimir, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to go. Frankly, it might not look– it might look bad for us to be seen together.

Vladimir Putin: Brilliant observation. You are always so smart Mr. Trump.

Donald Trump: You can stay as long as you want.

[Kellyanne Conway walks in]

Kellyanne Conway: Um, sir?

Donald Trump: Oh my god, it’s the ghost of Christmas past. Scrooged!

Kellyanne Conway: No, I’m not a ghost. This is just my face and hair. It’s Kellyanne. Um, your secretary of stage pick Rex Tillerson is here.

[Rex Tillerson walks in]

Rex Tillerson: Merry Chriatmas! Merry Christmas Mr. President elect. I just wanted to come by and– [sees Vladimir Putin] Pudie? Oh my god!

Vladimir Putin: Rexi baby.

[Vladimir Putin and Rex Tillerson starts celebrating in Russian language]

Rex Tillerson: Oh my star, Donald! You didn’t tell me Pudie was going to be here. Man, have I been hoping to catch up with you.

Vladimir Putin: As have I, old friend. So much to talk about. Hah? [Vladimir Putin pulls out a map] Right here, we’re having some oil drilling problems here.

Rex Tillerson: Oh, that’s no problem. As soon as the sanctions are lifted, we’ll up our intake by 30%.

Donald Trump: What are you guys talking about?

Vladimir Putin: Don’t worry about it.

Rex Tillerson: What about doubling production here in the Pechora sea?

Vladimir Putin: Already under way. Just have to take control of the Lomonosov Ridge. Our military is on it.

Donald Trump: And then we destroy vanity fair, right? They are terrible publication, just terrible.

Rex Tillerson: Sure buddy, sure. [to Vladimir Putin] You set up shop up on Lomonosov?

Vladimir Putin: Oh yes, for years. Great black crude there.

Donald Trump: Speaking of black and crude, I know Kanye. He came here. He’s using my colorist now. He just says whatever he feels. He’s like me, but a black.

Rex Tillerson: That’s cool, buddy. Excuse us for a sec.

Donald Trump: You’re not going to say “Live from New York” without me, right?

Rex Tillerson: No. We’d never do that.

Vladimir Putin: But maybe.

Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin and Rex Tillerson: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

The Lead with Jake Tapper Cold Open

Jake Tapper… Beck Bennett

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Walter White… Bryan Cranston

[Starts with The Lead with Jake Tapper intro]

[Cut to Jake Tapper in his set]

Jake Tapper: Welcome to The Lead. I’m Jake Tapper and you’re watching CNN. Be careful on the elyptical. President elect Donald Trump has– he has made some unconventional picks for his cabinet. here to help make sense of this if Trump’s senior advisor Kellyanne Conway.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

Kellyanne Conway: Thank you, Jake. Happy to be here.

[Cut to Jake Tapper and Kellyanne Conway]

Jake Tapper: Kellyanne, Trump has nominated Oklahoma Attorney General Scott Pruitt to head the EPA even though he is a fossil fuel advocate that doesn’t believe in climate change.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

Kellyanne Conway: Well, yes. Actually, it’s got Pruitt as excited for the job and he is protect us all from the environment.

[Cut to Jake Tapper]

Jake Tapper: Um, I’m not sure that’s how it works. This pick is not the only one that has people scratching their heads. There’s also the decision to name the CEO of Carl’s Jr. and Hardee’s Andy Puzder as secretary of labor even though Puzder doesn’t support the minimum wage. Kenlyanne, it’s almost like Mr. Trump appoints these people specifically to undermine the very agencies they head. Are these bad picks?

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

Kellyanne Conway: They are not bad. They are alt-good.

[Cut to Jake Tapper]

Jake Tapper: Wasn’t Donald Trump supposed to drain swamp?

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

Kellyanne Conway: Um-hmm, and actually, Mr. Trump is draining the swamp as he said he would, and the frogs and the toads the newts that are left who have mutations that allow them to survive are now his cabinet pets.

[Cut to Jake Tapper]

Jake Tapper: Ah! Now, as you know Kellyanne, we have breaking news. President elect Trump has just made his choice for the federal DEA, the federal drug enforcement agency, and it’s a high school science teacher from New Mexico named Walter Wright.

[Cut to Walter White]

Walter White: Hello, Jake.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway and Walter White]

Kellyanne Conway: Walter is amazing. He came highly recommended by Steve Bannon.

Walter White: Oh, yeah. Steve’s the best. We’ve had some times.

[Cut to Jake Tapper]

Jake Tapper: Where did Mr. Bannon find you?

[Cut to Walter White]

Walter White: Under the comment section at Breitbart. And I’m really surprised he tracked me down because I’ve kind of been off the grid for a while.

[Cut to Jake Tapper]

Jake Tapper: And you’re a high school science teacher?

Walter White: Yeah.

Jake Tapper: Do you know anything about drug enforcement?

[Cut to Walter White]

Walter White: [laughs] Oh, trust me. I know the DEA better than anyone, inside and out.

[Cut to Jake Tapper]

Jake Tapper: Mr. White, how did you even get considered for this job? Do you know Donald Trump?

[Cut to Walter White]

Walter White: No. Nope. But I’m a big fan. I like his style. He acts first and then asks questions later. I also like that wall he wants to build. Nothing comes in from Mexico, meaning a lot less competition for the rest of us.

[Cut to Jake Tapper]

Jake Tapper: You mean jobs?

[Cut to Walter White]

Walter White: [smirks] Sure.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

Kellyanne Conway: Walter is actually a genius with chemicals and we’re so lucky to get him. The top companies in the countries had been knocking in his door for years, but he never answered.

[Cut to Walter White]

Walter White: Well, I am the one who knocks.

[Cut to Jake Tapper]

Jake Tapper: And Mr. White, do you foresee any problems with congress considering your limited experience?

[Cut to Walter White]

Walter White: Well, they might get hung up on the fact that I faked my own death. I’m only the third person in the Trump cabinet to do that.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

Kellyanne Conway: Mr. White is actually such a great fit for this administration. He is first and foremost in support of small business.

[Cut to Walter White]

Walter White: Oh, absolutely. Donald Trump and I agreed. It’s time to make America cook again. We want to fill this nation with red, white and a whole lot of blue. And let me tell you one more thing, Jake, like from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Donald Trump’s Security Briefing Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

Alex Moffat

Mrs. Lemen… Aidy Bryant

Seth… Pete Davidson

John… Kyle Mooney

Melissa Villaseñor

Vanessa Bayer

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Mrs. Lemen in her class with students]

Mrs. Lemen: And that is another example of how Felker influenced Latin American literature. [message alert] Seth, I thought I told you to turn off your phone.

Seth: I’m sorry, Mrs. Lemen. I think someone retweeted me.

Mrs. Lemen: Seth, you’re just random kid in high school. Who would retweet you?

[Cut to Trump Tower]

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, I just retweeted the best tweet. I mean wow, what a great, smart tweet.

Kenan: Mr. Trump, we’re in a security briefing.

Donald Trump: I know, but this could not wait. It was from a young man named Seth. He’s 16, he’s in high school and I really did retweet him. Seriously. This is real.

Kellyanne Conway: He really did do this.

Kenan: Well, sir, you’re the president elect, so I guess you can do whatever you want but we’d really like to fill you in on Syria.

Donald Trump: God! Seth seems so cool. His twitter bio says he wants to make America great again.

Alex: That is cool, sir.

Donald Trump: It also says, he loves the Anaheim Ducks.

Kellyanne Conway: Okay, see, there is a reason actually Donald retweets so much. He does it to distract the media from his business conflicts and all the very scary people in his cabinet.

Kenan: Oh. That does make sense.

Alex: Very clever sir.

Donald Trump: Actually, that’s not why I do. I do it because my brain is bad. But I promise I’m done retweeting. I’m ready to buckle down and get to work.

[two minutes later]

[Cut to Melissa and John watching TV sitting on a couch]

Melissa: John, you’re not even watching the show.

John: Ay, sorry babe. You know I love to tweet. And you’ve seen my new profile picture? It’s a skull with two big guns going through his head. And then the infidel written above it.

Melissa: Babe, that’s psycho. You’re only gonna attract psychos.

[message alert]

John: Whoa, I just got retweeted.

Melissa: By who?

[Cut to Donald Trump and Kellyanne Conway]

Donald Trump: Oops, I did it again.

Kenan: Mr. Trump. Please stop retweeting all these random real people. You’re not getting any work done.

Donald Trump: It’s not true. I was elected 25 days ago, and already unemployment is at a 9 year low. Millions and millions people have health care. And Osama Bin Laden is dead.

Kellyanne Conway: Yes. Yes. He is dead. Just like my soul and all of my hair.

Donald Trump: But next. I am going to do what I promised my whole campaign and I am going to build that swamp.

Kellyanne Conway: Okay. Don’t you mean drain the swamp and build the wall?

Donald Trump: No. That’s too many things. Just smoosh them together. Smoosh. Smoosh. Wait a minute. Is that the– at the end of the table, is that the picture of me that I hate? The one that the press is always using where I look so ugly? What is that picture doing in here?

Kellyanne Conway: Oh, no. That’s actually– that’s just a plate of mashed potatoes, sir.

Donald Trump: Oh!

Kenan: Mr. Trump. Your security briefing is incredibly important.

Donald Trump: You’re right. I’m sorry. [puts the phone down on his desk] You have my undivided attention.

[10 seconds later]

[Cut to Vanessa and Bobby at a restaurant]

Vanessa: I’m so glad we’re finally on this date. I got to say, you look exactly like your picture on twitter.

Bobby: Thanks.

Vanessa: So, tell me about your twitter bio.

Bobby: It says, “Liberalism is a mental illness.”

[message alert]

Whoa! I just got retweeted.

Vanessa: By who?

[Cut to Donald Trump and Kellyanne Conway. Donald Trump is blowing the blow horn.]

Donald Trump: Another great retweet.

Alex: Oh, jeez. Um, Mr. Trump, please, let’s get to work, okay? This is an extremely dangerous world. Pakistan is increasingly unstable.

Donald Trump: Should I call them?

Kellyanne Conway: No.

Alex: North Korea is still doing nuclear tests.

Donald Trump: Should I text them?

Kellyanne Conway: No.

Alex: And Iran is incredibly volatile.

Donald Trump: Should I have Ivanka send them some shoes?

Kellyanne Conway: Maybe.

Alex: Sir, okay, I hate to be rude but this is insane. Alright? Your inauguration is just seven weeks away.

[Kenan screams as he got scared]

Kenan: Sorry. I just hadn’t heard that put in weeks before.

Alex: Ya!

Kellyanne Conway: Plus, sir, we need to get moving because you have that dinner with Mitt Romney tonight.

Donald Trump: Oh! Do I have to?

Kellyanne Conway: Yes, sir.

Donald Trump: Well, then can we at least have a picture of us together where he looks like a little bitch?

Kellyanne Conway: Yes.

Donald Trump: Okay. [puts his phone down on his desk] I’m ready to start this briefing.

Kellyanne Conway: Okay.

Donald Trump: Wait. Where is my chief strategist Steve Bannon? I can’t start without Steve Bannon

Kellyanne Conway: He’s walking in right now.

[Steve Bannon walks in. He is portrayed as a Grim Reaper.

Steve Bannon: Sorry, I am late.

Donald Trump: It’s okay, Steve. You look great.

Donald Trump and Steve Bannon: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Donald Trump Prepares Cold Open

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

General Dunlap… Mikey Day

Peter Chucksell… Bobby Moynihan

Mitt Romney… Jason Sudeikis

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

[Starts with a video clip of Trump National Golf Club’s board]

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway and Donald Trump in the office]

Kellyanne Conway: Mr. Trump. Are you ready for you first meeting?

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, what are people saying about my cabinet appointments? Do they love them?

Kellyanne Conway: They are certainly very passionate about them. I just saw one very nice tweet saying that they were great for nation and the future of our children.

Donald Trump: Tremendous. Who sent that?

Kellyanne Conway: David Duke.

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, can I say something? I just want to thank you for all you’ve done. I wouldn’t be president without you.

Kellyanne Conway: I think about that everyday. Also, the chairman of the Join Chiefs of Staff is here. You remember General Dunlap?

[General Dunlap enters]

General Dunlap: Here he is.

Donald Trump: Thanks for coming, General.

General Dunlap: My pleasure, sir. Thought we could take a moment to discuss strategy before your upcoming term.

Donald Trump: Sure.

General Dunlap: We’ve been stuck fighting ISIS in Jabhat Al-Nusra for six years now. When we found out that you had a secret plan, it really energized us.

Donald Trump: That’s right. A plan. Very secret.

General Dunlap: Well, whatever it is, we’re really looking forward to hearing it come January. It’s only seven weeks away, so let’s save some lives together, sir.

Donald Trump: Tremendous. Love it. Thank you.

[General Dunlap walks out]

Okay, right. Here we go. Big plan. Big plan. [Donald Trump opens his laptop] Google, what is ISIS? Oh, my! 59 million results. [Donald Trump takes his phone] Siri, how do I kill ISIS? Oh! This is a Blackberry. [breathing heavy] Big beautiful boobs and buildings. Big beautiful boobs and buildings. Big beautiful boobs and buildings. [takes long breath]

Kellyanne Conway: Um, Mr. Trump.

Donald Trump: Yes, what do you need, Kellyanne?

Kellyanne Conway: A time machine. But I also came to tell you that you’ve got a special visitor. This is Peter Chucksell. [Peter Chucksell enters] He led our campaign in West Virginia.

Peter Chucksell: Mr. Trump. It is an honor, sir.

Donald Trump: Nice to meet you, Peter. Where are you from?

Peter Chucksell: Virginia, sir. A little town called Grundy. That’s cold country, sir. I’ve been out of work two years now. Rough times. Then you said you were going to bring every single job back to our town!

Donald Trump: Every single one?

Peter Chucksell: Yes, sir! Hell! If you can build a wall that’s 2,000 miles long on the Mexican border, I’m sure you can help us.

Donald Trump: How long is that wall?

Peter Chucksell: 2,000 miles.

Donald Trump: 2,000 American miles?

Peter Chucksell: [laughing] I cannot wait to see the look on those Mexicans’ faces when you make them pay for that wall. They say it’s gonna cost $25 billion.

Donald Trump: Fantastic Peter! Thank you very much.

Peter Chucksell: Okay.

[Peter Chucksell walks out]

Donald Trump: $25 billion, it can’t be that much. Oh, god. Oh, god. Don’t worry, Donald. it’ll be okay. Hillary is still ahead in the polls.

Kellyanne Conway: Um, Mr. Trump.

[Kellyanne Conway is brushing something away from her shoulder]

Donald Trump: Yes, Kellyanne, what’s the matter? Is there something on your shoulder?

Kellyanne Conway: Um, yes. [showing the around environment] All of this. Also, Mitt Romney is here.

[Mitt Romney walks in]

Mitt Romney: Hello, Mr. president-elect. Thank you for taking the time to meet with me.

Donald Trump: Governot Romney, so good of you to come.

[Donald Trump and Mitt Romney shake their hands for long without sharing words]

Mitt Romney: This isn’t going to work, is it?

Donald Trump: I don’t think so.

Mitt Romney: Great, thanks. Thanks. I’m gonna go to the shop.

[Mitt Romney walks out]

Kellyanne Conway: Mr. Trump. Mike… Pence… is here.

Donald Trump: Great. Perfect.

[Mike Pence walks in]

Mike Pence: Hello, sir.

Donald Trump: Heard you went to see ‘Hamilton,’ how was that?

Mike Pence: It was good. I got a free lecture.

Donald Trump: I heard they ‘booed’ you.

Mike Pence: Absolutely.

Donald Trump: Um, I love you Mike, you’re the reason I’m never going to get impeached.

Mike Pence: We have a few problems. The democrats are already pushing back on our illegal immigration act because they say finding 11 million illegal immigrants is going to be hard.

Donald Trump: Impossible, probably.

Mike Pence: They say it’s going to be even harder to deport them.

Donald Trump: So, maybe, let’s not do it.

Mike Pence: [shocked] Um, don’g do it?

Donald Trump: Yeah. Scrapped.

Mike Pence: Scrapped?

Donald Trump: Scrapped. Scrapped.

Mike Pence: Okay, you know what? Maybe we will just talk about that later. Let’s move on to Obamacare. As you know, 20 million people use it. And it sounds crazy, but a lot of them like it.

Donald Trump: Keep it. Let’s just keep it.

Mike Pence: I’m sorry, keep it?

Donald Trump: Yeah, keep it. All of it. No change.

Mike Pence: Okay, hey, let’s just hold that for later, alright? Also, they’re gonna make it hard for us to hire a special prosecutor put Hillary in jail.

Donald Trump: Then don’t do it.

Mike Pence: Don’t do it?

Donald Trump: Scrap it. She didn’t do anything. Scrapped.

Mike Pence: Sir, being president is not going to be easy. But we’ll get through it if we work hard. Together.

Donald Trump: Thank you Mike. Oh, and Mike, you’re going to do everything right?

Mike Pence: Yes, sir.

Donald Trump: Oh, and Mike. One more thing.

Donald Trump and Mike Pence: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Donald Trump’s Vice President Cold Open

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

Ivanka Trump… Vanessa

Chris Christie… Bobby Moynihan

Ben Carson… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with Donald Trump speaking on the phone in Trump Tower]

Donald Trump: No, it’s true. I’m telling you. Mr. Trump is the real life inspiration for Ironman. Who am I? I’m his publicist, Joey Pepperoni. No, I’m not Donald Trump in disguise. This is just what classing people sound like. Okay.

[Ivanka Trump walks in]

Ivanka: Dad, Chris Christie is here. He sort of wants to discuss potential vice-presidents. Uh, he’s sort of been waiting downstairs for two hours.

Donald Trump: Fine. Send him in.

[Chris Christie walks in]

Chris Christie: Hey, is that Joey pepperoni I see? Seriously though. Donald, I’m honored that you asked me to help you find your next VP.

Donald Trump: I appreciate your help. I really do. I need someone experienced, loyal, strong.

Chris Christie: Yeah. That sounds like somebody I know. It sounds like Chris Christie. Wait, who said that? Did you hear that? Why did that come from?

Donald Trump: Whatever? What have you got for me?

Chris Christie: Uh, well I thought one strong option could be a Jeb Bush.

[Donald Trump and Chris Christie laughing hard]

Okay, but seriously, what about Carly Fiorina?

Donald Trump: I do feel a kinship with Carly. She’s also an outsider who ran a very unsuccessful business.

Chris Christie: She can help you with your woman problem too. I mean, women look up to her.

Donald Trump: For what? She’s a big cup, tops.

Chris Christie: [laughing] That is very good. I wish I could work for someone as funny as you have some day. [giggling] Okay. Moving on. How about a guy from a swing state, Florida? He’s a half Hispanic with a proven track record of standing up for himself.

Donald Trump: George Zimmerman.

Chris Christie: No, no, no, no, no, no. Marco Rubio.

Donald Trump: Oh, little Martha. I can’t ask him to be VP until his parents signed the release form. I need someone who can lead. Where do I find that?

Chris Christie: It beats me. [showing his own photo] Oh my God. How did this get in here? Now, that is crazy. Look at that. Maybe. Yes, maybe. No, maybe. Yeah. Okay. All right. Now this next one, it’s a little outside the box, but I feel very strongly about it. Hear me out. Bruce Springsteen. I mean, come on! He’s the boss. You’re the boss. He was born to run.

Donald Trump: He is a Democrat.

Chris Christie: [yelling He is a god. I’m sorry. Do you have any idea, sir?

Donald Trump: What about John Kasich? He’s smart, experienced. He can help us in Ohio.

Chris Christie: He said he’s not interested.

Donald Trump: He’s a loser. Big fat loser. What about Nikki Haley?

Chris Christie: Also interested.

Donald Trump: Ted Cruz?

Chris Christie: Hard no.

Donald Trump: Paul Ryan?

Chris Christie: He said, not right now, but he will see you in hell.

Donald Trump: Lindsey Graham.

Chris Christie: He said he would love to, but then he laughed so hard that I had to walk away.

Donald Trump: It doesn’t make any sense. Why doesn’t anyone want to be my VP?

Chris Christie: If I may be so bold, sir? I think anyone who didn’t want to be your VP would be a damn fool. [music playing] You are such a special candidate. Maybe, just maybe, the person you’ve been looking for this whole time standing in this room right now.

Donald Trump: You are so right. Ben Carson, you want to be vice president?

[Ben Carson walks in]

Ben Carson: Oh, that would be hell exciting.

Donald Trump: Great. Let’s do it.

All: And live from New York it’s Saturday Night.

[The End]