Tag: Ego Nwodim

Bachelor Party

Nick Jonas

Mickey… Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Mikey Day

Ego Nwodim

[Starts with couple of buys having a bachelor’s party]

Nick: Hey, listen up. Hey, listen. To Mickey’s last few days of freedom.

All: Yes.

Nick: Hell yes.

Kyle: Hey, I always thought you were going to marry Trisha Kentworth from Mrs. Christianson’s class.

Mikey: What?

Mickey: Yeah. It’s something from growing up.

Nick: Well, I just want to say you’re an amazing friend and I’m really proud to be your best man.

All: Cheers!

[doorbell ringing]

Nick: Oh, could that be the pizzas?

[Nick runs to answer open the door]

Mickey: What? No. Please tell me you didn’t. No. You guys. Oh my god.

[Two women wearing tight leather dresses walk in with pizza boxes]

Ego: Did someone order an extra large sausage?

Heidi: I might have to blow on it. [takes a whip out of the pizza box]

[Ego and Heidi start dancing]

Mickey: [to Nick] Hey, man, this is really special. Thank you.

Nick: Of course, man.

[Everything turns dar and spotlight turns on Mickey]

[music playing]

Mickey: [singing] Well, I’m gonna marry the woman that I love
but first a tradition long spoken of
I’ve waited for this moment all of my life
to get hard with my friends before I marry my wife

Bowen: I’m drinking beer and hard alcohol
getting hard with my brother in law
Now I see what my sister sees
coz he’s got a boner next to me

Nick: I’m getting hard with my homies
boned up next to my pals
you only get one bachelor party
might as well spend it around

All: Boner, boner, boner,
boner next to my friends
one night away from our lame ass lives
we’ll get hard and then it all ends

[the women are looking confused]

Nick: Oh, I got to plan the evening
his last night as a free man
but getting in trouble with the guys
yes, that was my only plan

Alex: I needed this, oh I needed this
I’m married with kids and I needed this
I must get woody all my night away
coz if I don’t then I think I’ll go cray

All: Boner, boner, boner,
that’s what tonight’s all about
every single tent is pitched
except for the guy who passed out

Kyle: I’m the friend from home
I’m feeling like a loner
these guys don’t get our inside jokes
that’s why I need my boner
coz it don’t matter where you’re from
just get a hard on and sing along

All: Boner, boner, boner,
boner next to my friends
we all got hard in one big room
and we’re never discussing again

Mickey: These are my best friends
my brotherhood, my crew
and we honor a timeless tradition
my dad got hard with his friends too

Nick: Um, amazing job, ladies.

Ego: We didn’t do anything.

Heidi: Yeah, you just sang about your stiffy ding dongs the whole time.

Mickey: Ha-ha. Come on, break it in, guys. Come here.

Kyle: I love you, Micky.

Mickey: I love you guys.

Amusement Park

Brett… Mikey Day

Malcolm… Nick Jonas

Cug… Kyle Mooney

Brinkley… Heidi Gardner

Fresian… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with a bunch of young people on a line at the amusement park]

Gate keeper: Alright, next riders, please?

Brett: I’m so glad World of Fun reopened. I thought they were going to have to cancel our junior year trip.

Malcolm: Dude, I still can’t believe you won the stuffed guy from soul.

Cug: [holding a human size stuffed guy] I know. I’ve like, never won the ring toss. My lucky day I guess.

Brett: Also, Brinkley, like, how have you never ridden the Viking Voyager?

Brinkley: I don’t know. I think water’s scary.

Fresian: Oh my god. Me too. I’m like a full baby in the shower.

Malcolm: You know, the Viking Voyager is sick. I’ll protect you.

Fresian: Okay, now shut up.

Cug: Oh, so you two are like, riding together?

Malcolm: Oh, I straight up don’t care.

Brinkley: Oh, we have to pair up for the ride, huh?

Brett: Yeah. How many even is it to, like, a flume?

Cug: I think it’s two max. I think typically guy-girl. But I don’t care.

Brett: Yeah. Well, I feel like Fresian and Malcolm said they’d ride together.

Fresian: Oh, I don’t care. Sure.

Malcolm: Yeah. Like, whatever makes sense to the group. Like, height wise?

Brett: Oh, okay. Well, if it’s height wise, I guess it’s me and Brinkley makes sense?

Brinkley: Yeah. I mean, height wise I feel like that checks out. So then Cug, would you be cool riding with the guy from soul?

Cug: Um, I kind of feel like I rode with him on the last ride and the ride before that. So, I think it makes sense for me to ride with a person or a girl this time. But literally, all I care about is getting wet.

Malcolm: Wait, Brinkley and Brett, didn’t you ride on the Zulu together?

Brett: We did? Did we?

Brinkley: What? I think I either rode alone or with the guy from soul.

Cug: No. Pretty sure Joe Gardner has only ridden with me.

Malcolm: Wait. Who’s Joe Gardner?

Cug: Um, the guy from soul. Yeah. I definitely remember being with him on the Zulu and the Mamba. I don’t care. But if we want to keep it even, I don’t think I should be riding with the guy from soul.

Fresian: Like, hey, I mean, I can ride with you, Cug. Malcolm, you cool to ride with the guy from soul?

Malcolm: Well, isn’t this the one where you like, kind of sit on each other’s laps?

Brinkley: Wait, you do? Like, how does that work?

Brett: I don’t know. I think we have enough time to do like, a demo? Like, just to practice.

Brinkley: Okay.

Brett: [walks to a boat] Okay. So, I guess, I’ll sit here. And then you’d be between my legs I guess.

Brinkley: Oh, like, you want me to try?

Brett: Yeah. For like, height.

Brinkley: [they sit together] Oh, yeah, height.

Brett: Coz I don’t care. But if–

Cug: I feel like for height, I’d be better behind?

Brinkley: Oh, no. This is good for height.

Brett: Yeah.

Malcolm: [to Fresian] Should we–?

Fresian: Demo how to sit? Yeah, sure.

Malcolm: Yeah. Okay. So, I’d be like this.

Fresian: [they sit together] Okay. Yeah.

Malcolm: And then you’d be here. But then, like, what do I do with my arms? Because I don’t want them to get wet.

Fresian: Yeah. I think they’d be like my seatbelt like this. [pulling Malcolm’s hands across her waist]

Malcolm: Okay.

Brett: Um, we actually didn’t demo that. Should we practice?

Brinkley: Like, for height?

Brett: Yes. For height.

Brinkley: Sure.

Brett: I guess like this. [Brett just holds Brinkley from the behind]

Brinkley: Cug, would you want to try getting in with the guy from the soul? Like, for height?

Cug: Um, okay.

Malcolm: Alright, all your’s, Cug.

Cug: Thanks. [taking the seat on the boat] So, I guess I’d be back here.

Brinkley: Yeah. And Joe would be in your lap, Cug.

Cug: So, like this?

Malcolm: Yeah. But that doesn’t make sense height wise, Cug.

Brinkley: Yeah. He is taller than you, Cug.

Fresian: Yeah. So, he should be behind you, Cug.

Cug: Okay. So, I’m in his lap?

Brett: Exactly, Cug.

Cug: Okay. [he puts the stuffed guy behind and he sits up front.] So, let me just get him around. So, it it like this?

Brinkley: Yeah, Cug.

Malcolm: Yeah. Then his arms are like a seatbelt, Cug.

Cug: Oh, okay. So, like this?

Brinkley: Yes. Are you comfortable, Cug?

Cug: I guess. But, I don’t want to hug the guy from soul. If someone else wants to take a spin? Soul guy going once, going twice,

All: No. No, pass.

Gate keeper: All parties here, folks?

All: Yes. Here we go.

Gate keeper: Have fun, Cug.

Cug: It’s Robert. I don’t know why they keep calling me that.

Lets Say Grace

Aidy Bryant

Ego Nwodim

Carl… Regé-Jean Page

Dale… Beck Bennett

Kenan Thompson

Charlie… Andrew Dismukes

Punkie Johnson

Chris Redd

Dana… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a family get together]

Aidy: Well, there they are.

[Everyone greeting each other]

Ego: It’s so nice for you all to have us over. This house is lovely.

Carl: Man, look at all this food. You all having a whole football team over?

[everyone laughing]

Aidy: No, no, no. This is just what we do when new neighbors drop by. We act neighborly. So, this is buffet style. Grab a plate and go to town.

Dale: Now, before we dig in, our family usually says a little prayer. Is that okay? Y’all church going people?

Ego: Oh, absolutely.

Kenan: Absolutely. Have been Mr. Sunday since 81.

Dale: Well, that’s good. I’mma get my youngest Charlie to say grace. Go ahead, Charlie.

Charlie: Um, okay. Thank you for this food. Bless us as we eat. Amen.

All: Amen.

Aidy: Well, that was really nice. Okay now, we got two kinds of taters and my famous cheese biscuits.

Kenan: Uh, you know what? I hate to keep us from eating, but I feel like that prayer was incomplete.

Ego: Um-hmm, yeah. You know, I don’t feel comfortable eating this food until it is properly blessed. That’s how folks get sick.

Kenan: So, I’ll get my oldest Carl to bless us. Go ahead, Carl.

Carl: Alright. Thank you lord for this beautiful, boundful food. Thank you to those who raised it, picked it, chucked and cleaned it.

Dale: Amen, wonderful.

Carl: I’m not done. Processed it, packaged it, rubbed it, flipped it and reversed it. In the name of the father, the son, the nieces, the nephews, the second cousins. Once removed, twice removed and twice returned.

Ego: Um-hmm, baby, now don’t forget the holy trinity, okay? Earth, wind and fire. Bell Biv Devoe. And the holiest of trinities, the children of destiny, Beyonce, Kelly and I suppose, Michelle.

Punkie: Um, yes. And may the holy ghost greet with a blessed peek-a-boo.

Chris: And lead us not into temptation but deliver us Amazon Prime for free.

All: Amen.

Kenan: Very nice.

Ego: Lovely.

Aidy: Alright. Well, that was a beautiful effort. And hey, if we’re praying like really praying, let’s kick up a notch, huh? So, I’m gonna ask my post-pubescent daughter, Dana, to give us something a little more spirited.

Dana: [angry] Mom!

Aidy: [angry] I said my busty daughter is going to give us something spirited. Now, do what you learned in church camp.

Dana: Argh! Okay, fine! [gets a mic and starts rocking her body. Her brother, mother and father also start rocking their bodies] Alright, let’s get our hand clap going. There we go. There we go.

Jeremiah came down.

Family: Oh he came down

Dana: With a cask of oil

Family: Oh he came down

Dana: Jebediah came down

Family: Oh he came down

Dana: With a cask of water

Family: Oh he came down

Dana: Jeremiah, Jebediah, oh, they gotta be in their way. Amen.

Dale: Alright. That’s a prayer.

[Kenan’s family is planning too]

Chris: That was real nice. Real cute now. Yeah.

Kenan: I think we maybe can do a little better. Um-hmm. Bernadeth, it’s time. Bring in the big dogs.

Punkie: The big dogs.

Aidy: Um, wow. Okay.

Charlie: Y’all came prepared.

Dana: Yeah, they don’t teach this at church camp.

[Kenan’s family all have paper fans with gods’ pictures on them]

Kenan: Um-hmm, and we got this here Beats Pill. [pulls out a bluetooth sound speaker]

Dale: Okay. You’re on sound system. Very cool.

[music starts playing]

Kenan: Alright everybody. Raise your hands up for it’s time to pray away what’s on the layer way. Here we go.

Ego: [singing] Now, who gave all the fishes?

Family: G-O-D.

Ego: And washed all your dirty dishes?

Family: G-O-D.

Kenan: Who turned water into wine?

Family: G-O-D.

Kenan: And milk into moonshine?

Family: G-O-D.

Kenan: Break it down now, Dale!

Dale: Who, me? Alright.

[Dale starts to break dance]

All: Go, Dale! Go, Dale!

Kenan: Now, raise your hands in the air
if you want to say a short prayer
and when we bless this food, make it taste real good
somebody say “Oh, yeah!”

All: Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
Amen…

Actors Spotlight

Pam Barrett… Ego Nwodim

Kingsley Ben-Adir… Regé-Jean Page

Daniel Kaluuya… Chris Redd

Ice Cube… Kenan Thompson

Hugh Grant… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Pam hosting the show]

Pam: What’s up, guys? Pam Barrett here with you on After Spotlight, where we highlight a profession the media often overlooks – Actors. We have three incredible guests with us today. First, Kingsley Ben-Adir is having a moment. He plays Malcom X in acclaimed movie “One night in Miami”. Let’s take a look.

[Cut to the movie scene]

Kingsley: That’s why this move that we are in is called struggle. Because we are fighting for our lives.

[Cut back to the show]

Pam: Thank you for being here.

Kingsley: [with accent] Wonderful to be here as well.

Pam: I’m sorry. Say that again?

Kingsley: Um… Wonderful to be here.

Pam: Wait… You’re British?

Kingsley: Yeah, that’s right.

Pam: Oh my god. Your accent, you changed it. You tricked me.

Kingsley: I mean, well, I am an actor. It’s my job, ain’t it?

Pam: [laughing hard] Ain’t it? Yeah, it is. You so crazy, Kingsley. Wow. Okay, you know, let’s go to Daniel Kaluuya who is getting some Oscar buzz for his movie “Judas and the black Messiah”. Here, he is a Black Panther party leader Fred Hampton. Take a look.

[Cut to the movie scene]

Daniel: I believe I’m here and I’m doing what I was born for because I live for my people. Because I love the people. I’m gonna fight for the people. Because I will die for the people.

[Cut back to the show]

Pam: An amazing performance.

Daniel: [with accent] Hello love. You alright, yeah?

Pam: Hold up. Another one? You’re British too?

Daniel: I suppose so, yeah?

Pam: [laughing] Oh my god. Okay, this is so crazy. Were you British when you made “Ghetto”?

Daniel: Hah? Indeed I was. Yeah.

Pam: I’m just so impressed. God, what can’t you two do?

Kingsley: Well, I mean, looks like we can’t carry a legal American passport.

Pam: [laughing hard] Oh my god. You just thought that right now? Okay. And finally, Ice Cube is here. He is in new movie coming out in Hulu Atlanta called “Are we there yet? And if not, why?” Take a look.

[Cut to the movie scene]

Ice Cube: Yo! Get your ass in this car. We gotta get there. Man, if you don’t get in here, we’ll never get there!

[Cut back to the show]

Pam: Welcome, Cube.

Ice Cube: Well, lovely to be here. It’s a real tippy-topper.

Pam: Hold up. Are you trying to do the British accent?

Ice Cube: Na, na. I’m actually Bri-ish. [trying to speak with accent]

Pam: Cube, come on. You don’t have to do this.

Ice Cube: Do what? Be a young handsome cri-ikly acclaimed Bri-ish actor (critically acclaimed British actor)? I’m British from Jolly Old London town.

Kingsley: You’re from London, yeah? I was born off Kentish town. What part you from?

Ice Cube: Oh me? Ma, I grew up in tickle buckle circle.

Kingsley: Yeah, I’m not sure I’ve heard that one, mate.

Ice Cube: Oh, come on, mate. It’s right near muggle pipas cross.

Pam: Come on. You’re Ice Cube. You’re from South Central Los Angeles. It’s in every one of your songs. You know, I know a lot of Brits win Oscars playing Americans but you don’t have to do this.

Ice Cube: I don’t need no Bloo-i Osca (bloody Oscar). I already won three pudding boys.

Kingsley: Just be yourself, mate. We love you. Ice Cube’s an American legend.

Ice Cube: Well, me name is not Ice Cube in Brit-in (Britain).

Kingsley: Yeah? What is it?

Ice Cube: Coldy Squares.

Kingsley: Coldy Squares? Come on, man.

Pam: It’s not even– What is?

Daniel: Bruv, if you’re actually British, what do we call bars in the UK?

Ice Cube: Ye olde slurp and burp.

Daniel: Well, your American accent is perfect. Where did you learn it from?

Ice Cube: Oh, I wotch a loh (watch a lot) of FRIENDS.

Kingsley: Come on, fam, that’s what everyone says.

Ice Cube: Well, yeah, where did you learn American accent?

Kingsley: From watching Ice Cube movies.

Daniel: Yeah. “Friday”. “Boys in the hood”. Classics, bro.

Kingsley: You’re OG, man. You paved the way for all of us just being authentically you. Come on. Be real.

Ice Cube: [thinks for a second] Well, ain’t tha a pimp? You kicking me bimbly begins.

Pam: Okay. Not gonna buzz on this, huh? Alright, let’s go to commercial. Next step, we’ll go live from London and talk to start of the “Undoing”, Hugh Grant.

[Cut to Hugh in his home]

Hugh: [with accent]Yes, hello. It’s wonderful to be here. Pardon, is that Coldy Squares from tickle buckle circle?

Ice Cube: Ay! You win!

Hugh: I haven’t seen you since the 2010 Pudding Boys.

Pam: Um-umm. Okay, ya’ll. We have entered the Matrix. Let’s get on out of here.

Whats Your Type

DJ Snizz… Ego Nwodim

Tampa Bay Janae… Cecily Strong

Kendra… Regina King

Matt… Kyle Mooney

Kevin… Alex Moffat

Link… Mikey Day

[Starts with “What’s Your Type?” intro]

DJ Snizz: Hey, y’all. It’s what’s your type where we match a sexy single with her perfect man. Here’s your host, the girl who got famous by pulling her butt cheeks apart on snapchat, it’s Tampa Bay Janae.

[Tampa walks in]

Tampa: Yes. Boo for it, bitch. I’m famous. Y’all know me @tbayjanae Insta, and Miss Tampa Janae on Onlyfans, if you want to pay to see me naked. DJ Snizz, who’s today’s sexy single?

DJ Snizz: She’s a Marketing Supervisor from Oakland who’s 39 and half years old. It’s Kendra.

[Kendra walks in]

Tampa: Hey. How are you feeling, Kendra?

Kendra: I don’t love that you guys did my exact age, but I’m good.

Tampa: Hell, yeah. Now, based on Kendra’s side, we found three potential love matches. But she can only pick one for that hell of romantic date on us. So Kendra, tell us…

DJ Snizz and Tampa: What’s… Your…

Tampa: NO! Only me. It’s just me for this part. What’s… your… type?

Kendra: Well, I’m looking for a sure thing. A man that will worship me. That’s why I want a cringy white dude in his early 40s. Corny, awkward or douche, this freak likes to binge on cringe.

Tampa: Well Kendra, it was not hard to find three single cringy white dudes of a certain age. Let’s meet them. First, we got Matt Stainer.

Matt: Kendra, how psyched are you on Kamala Harris? I support strong women and if you don’t, shame on you. You should die.

DJ Snizz: [shaking her head no] I ain’t like that. Um-umm.

Kendra: That is some top-shelf cringe right there. Mama likey.

Tampa: You’re serious? Okay. Alright, next is Kevin Farkiss.

Kevin: Kendra, this song’s for you, my queen. Two, three, four.

[singing] say one, two, three
princess, kneel before you
just go ahead now and pick me
and I will adore you

Did I mention that I’m a musician? Thank you.

Kendra: Ooh, baby. Who wouldn’t like that?

Tampa: Well, looks like DJ Snizz didn’t love it. She looks like she’s in a Japanese horror movie right now.

Kendra: Well, Kevin has got it going on. Ding, I’m cooked. America, I’m officially in heat.

Tampa: At least someone is. And finally, meet Link Bronwin.

Link: Hello, Kindra. Happy black history month to you.

DJ Snizz: No. No, no, no. No.

Link: They told us to say something flirty here, but forgive me, I’m not the best at being flirty. Oh, I can feel my face getting red. I’m crushing and burning. I’ll be in here. [Link hides inside his sweater]

Kendra: Do me right now. [Kendra runs towards Link. Tampa stops her.]

Tampa: No, no, no. Come back. Not yet. Okay. Looks like you’re feeling link, huh?

Kendra: Um, Yeah. Can I do that? Oh, I’m a puddle right now.

Tampa: You are? Okay. Because I’m a desert. DJ Snizz hated it so much, she just melted like a witch from OZ. Well Kendra, now is your chance to get to know these guys better by asking a sexy question.

Kendra: Alright, boys. What do you think is your sexiest quality? Matt?

Matt: Huh? Oh, sorry. I was just thinking about the barriers broken down by Ruth Bader Ginsberg. Rest in power.

Kendra: Put my tongue back in my mouth. Okay, I’m liking that dumb ass. Kevin, same question.

Kevin: My sexiest qualitae, I’m told me lips, but to find out, you’re just going to have to…

[singing] Kiss me, down by the broken tree house

Tampa: We have to pay money when you sing these songs. So please, stop.

Kendra: Link, what’s sexiest about you, baby?

Link: Hmm, my weiner. No. Just kidding. Probably my sense of humor. Jokes and stuffies. Impressions. [doing the impression] Uh-huh, I’m a French man, you escago! Oh, that bombed. Oh, no. Please get the camera off of me.

Kendra: Check please.

Tampa: Okay. I think I just got menopause. So, who’s it going to be, Kendra?

Kendra: I knew from the moment he made eye contact with me. Link. That weird man right there is king of cringe.

Tampa: Okay. Say hi to your guy, Link Bronwin.

Link: Yeah.

[Kendra and Link walk to each other]

Okay, I’m going to hug you now. [awkward movements and kisses her shoulder] I don’t know why I did that.

Kendra: That was as sexiest hug I’ve ever had. Please come with me, you cringy son of a bitch.

[Kendra takes Link to the backstage]

Tampa: Okay, well, have fun, lovebirds. When we come back, we got a performance by TikTok rapper, Lil’ Idiot.

Gorilla Glue

Denzel Commode… Kenan Thompson

Latrice Commode… Regina King

Chantel… Ego Nwodim

Darius… Chris Redd

Wendy… Cecily Strong

Tasha… Punkie Johnson

[Starts with Denzel Commode and Latrice Commode in their set. They both have damaged hair]

Denzel Commode: So, it happened to you?

Latrice Commode: Your worst nightmare.

Denzel Commode: We’ve all been there. You ran out of hair product and you used Gorilla Glue instead?

Latrice Commode: And it turned your beautiful luscious mane into a hard candy shit.

Denzel Commode: Hi, I’m Denzel Commode.

Latrice Commode: And I’m Latrice Commode. And if this has happened to you, you are not alone and this is not your fault.

Denzel Commode: And you are not dumb.

Latrice Commode: Fact, everyday as many as one people fall victim to sue a Gorilla Glue in place of a beauty product. And they deserve compensation.

Denzel Commode: We all do. You should not have to go through life with hair like a lego man. Because one time you used Gorilla Glue instead of Dath Wave Greese.

Latrice Commode: We will get you moneys for Gorilla Glue or the next best thing, a life time supply of Gorilla Glue. But don’t just take our word for it.

[Cut to Chantel. He has damaged hair too.]

Chantel: My name is Chantel. I ran out of leaving conditioner, so I reached for the next best thing, Gorilla Glue. Seems harmless, right? Well, it was not. And before you jokers on the internet say I should have read the damn label, I did. It just says, “Really strong glue and dangerous.” That can mean anything, Gorilla Glue. You gotta pay!

Denzel Commode: Oh, and they will or my name isn’t Denzel Commode.

Latrice Commode: It’s a mistake that can happen to anybody. Like brushing your teeth with preparation H.

Denzel Commode: Or putting on floor wax because you was ashy. Who among us?

Latrice Commode: Fact. Bug Gorilla is a multi-billion dollar industry. And we deserve half.

Denzel Commode: Or double. Here’s somebody else.

[Cut to Darius. He’s wearing a doo-rag.]

Darius: My name is Darius. I used Gorilla Glue on doo-rag so it wouldn’t slip off at night when I’m doing my girl. Now, imagine my surprise when it wouldn’t come off at all. I mean, what the heck? I got to sing at a wedding in four days. Oh, we coming for you, Gorilla, tell them, baby.

[Wendy walks in wearing a really nice dress]

Wendy: That’s right. And when we’re dong, we’re coming for you too, Sharpie and Silly Putty. Look what your putty did to my butt. I sat down on a —

Denzel Commode: Look, we are not stupid people. We understand what we’re up against.

Latrice Commode: We know it’s going to be hard taking a Gorilla to court and suing him over his glue.

Denzel Commode: What if he get mad and start tearing up the court room?

Latrice Commode: But that’s a risk we are willing to take. This gorilla is problematic and needs to answer for his so called beauty glue.

[Cut to Tasha. She looks fine, but she has a red marking on her forehead.]

Tasha: My name is Tasha and let’s just say I tried to give myself an infinity stone little oozy did. And now it’s stuck on me permanent or whatever. And I’m not going to say it don’t look tight. Ha-ha-ha. But it burns, y’all. Damn you, gorillas.

Denzel Commode: Fact, gorillas are notorious for throwing their own doo-doo at folks. Even at little children.

Latrice Commode: So, it is not hard to believe they will also trick us into using that glue as beauty product.

Denzel Commode: Open and shut case, if you ask me.

Latrice Commode: So, if this has happened to you like it’s happened to our family [all the victims walk in and join Denzel Commode and Latrice Commode. Turns out they’re one family. Darius has his hands inside his pants.]–

Denzel Commode: Call us today. We know we can’t be the only family.

Wendy: Don’t be silenced by big gorilla.

Latrice Commode: Son, get your hands out your pants. We’re doing a commercial.

Darius: I can’t. It’s Gorilla Glue.

Latrice Commode: No, not again.

Denzel Commode: Look, we are not stupid people. So, call us at one-eighthundred-Glue. We coming for you, Gorilla.

Wedding Friends

Priest… Alex Moffat

Mother… Punkie Johnson

Dan Levy

Kate McKinnon

Carey… Ego Nwodim.

Mark… Mikey Day

[Starts with a couple getting their wedding ceremony done.]

Priest: With a solid foundation, you’ve decided to take the oath of marriage. Mark, Carrey, let us celebrate your joys. You begin your lives together. Now, for the family blessing, who gives this bride today?

Mother: [sobbing with happiness] I do.

Priest: Wonderful. If anyone has cause to object to the forming of this union or forever hold your peace.

[Dan and Kate stand]

Dan: Carey!

Kate: Carey!

Dan: Carey, we just wanted to take this opportunity to say you’re amazing.

Kate: Um-hmm. Carey, you’re such a rockstar.

Dan: And that’s it.

Carey: Wait, wait. I’m sorry. What?

Mark: Yeah. What was that?

Dan: Oh my god.

Kate: Oh, I’m sorry. Nothing.

Dan: We just wanted to make sure you knew right now that you are one of the best people.

Kate: Yep. And you deserve also the best.

Carey: Okay. Is this an objection?

Dan and Kate: No. No.

Dan: Nothing about him.

Kate: No.

Dan: Just sort of like, Mark is great. And he’s great.

Kate: Um-hmm. It’s just like– Well, Mark wise, it’s sort of like– No, he’s good. He’s good.

Mark: Mark wise what?

Carey: Yeah. I’m really not sure what you’re saying.

[Dan and Kate looking at each other]

Dan: What are we saying?

Kate: Yeah. What are we saying? We just wanted to ask I guess if there was anything that you wanted to talk to us about.

Dan: Yeah. Are you good?

Carey: Yeah. This is my wedding.

Dan: Okay.

Kate: Go.

Dan: Lock it down.

Kate: Yeah, you better get that.

Carey: Okay. Thank you guys.

Kate: And a random question.

Dan: So random.

Kate: Does your– Does your mom like him?

Carey: What? I mean, I think so. I mean, she’s right there.

Mother: Umm, young woman’s wedding day, it’s all about her and her thoughts and not what her mother doesn’t like.

Carey: Mom, come on.

Mark: I’m sorry. Do I suck somehow?

Carey: Okay. You know, whatever this is, why are you all just bringing it up now?

Dan: You know what? You’re right. We should have done this last night but we got like, really, really scary drunk at the rehearsal dinner.

Kate: When I don’t drink wine, I drink faster.

Mark: Yeah. You guys shoved my dad.

Carey: Okay. Let’s just get this over with. Do you not like Mark?

Dan and Kate: [squeaky voice] No.

Carey: Do you think that I should be with someone different?

Dan and Kate: [squeaky voice] No.

Carey: Do you think I’m settling?

Dan and Kate: [squeaky voice] Y– No.

Carey: Am I making the biggest mistake of my life?

Dan and Kate: [squeaky voice] Y– No.

Carey: Okay. Well, I’m gonna get married now.

Dan: Thank god!

Carey: So, we’re gonna do the vows.

Dan: Begging for it.

Priest: Wonderful. Mark and Carey have decided to write their own vows. Mark, would you like to start?

Mark: Yes. Carey, first watched F.R.I.E.N.D.S. together.

[texting sound]

Carey: [looking at Dan and Kate] Okay, I know you are texting each other about this and I know you know how to turn that sound off.

Dan: Oh, so sorry.

Kate: Sorry, we’re good.

Mark: I knew you were my lobster. [texting sound] You’re my person. [texting sound] As my personal hero, Meredyth Grey says– [texting sound] [looking at Dan and Kate] Okay, that’s really loud.

Dan: [whispering to Kate] Meredyth, Grey’s Anatomy’s fan? What a regret.

Kate: No. I just sent that to you.

Mark: Okay, guys. Stop. Okay, look, I know you don’t like me. Carey is amazing and yes, she’s probably too good for me. But at least I tell her how I feel and I say what I mean. And maybe that’s what she likes about me. You guys talk in mean little riddles.

Dan: Okay. Rail me, daddy.

Kate: Okay. I’m actually now fully horny and I’m going to try to cheat on you with me. Okay?

Mark: I don’t care what you two think.

Dan and Kate: [blushing] Mark!

Dan: Mark is hot.

Kate: Mark is hot. Oh my god.

Dan: Congratulations you guys. We love this now.

Kate: Yay!

Universal Tram

Jeremy… Mikey Day

Dana… Ego Nwodim

Tobey… Dan Levy

Gru… Bowen Yang

Kenan Thompson

Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with 1 guiding the guests during the tour.]

Jeremy: Welcome to the Universal Studios Tram Tour, back in action after eight prolonged absence. My name is Jeremy and behind the wheel is Dana. And even though she loves the film, she promises she won’t drive too Fast and Furious today. Right Dana?

Dana: Don’t involve me.

Jeremy: Alright. Fun! Helping me out today is a tour guide in training. Come on up here, Tobey. Say hi.

Tobey: Okay. Actually is Thlobby, pronounced with T-H. And I’m sorry I’m a little jittery. I’ve been here since 6 AM and I was waiting. So, I’m drinking coffee and I never drink coffee. So, it’s just kind of like, “Wad up?” You know? Okay, I’ll stop talking. But I think I like coffee now.

Jeremy: Alright. Let’s get started.

Kenan: Wow! Yeah! Let’s see some movie props.

Jeremy: Alright. Glad you’re excited sir. Alright folks, if you’re not looking at the left side of the tram, please yaba-daba-do so because you’ll see the car from 1993’s, “The Flinstones”. Tobey, take it away.

Tobey: Ha-ha. Great Scot. To your right is one of seven deloreans used in “Back To The Future” franchise which, oh my god– Okay, I read the craziest fan theory about that movie. So like, why does this teenager hang out with his old inventor guy? So, the theory was the doc basically like, groomed Marty to like… molest him?

Jeremy: No.

Tobey: But then the doc regretted it, so the reason that he built the machine was to go back in time to prevent himself from [whispering] molesting Marty. Sorry. I probably shouldn’t have said it but I don’t see any kids on this tram.

Jeremy: Okay. Well, I do see kids.

Dana: That theory makes sense though. Dark as hell but it makes sense.

Jeremy: Okay. Let’s move away from that topic please. Alright. And look to your left side, my right. If those bikes look familiar, it’s because they played a key role in getting ET back.

Tobey: Ha-ha. Okay. ET looks like a ball sack came to life. Change my mind.

Jeremy: Hey, Tobey. Family park, family language.

Tobey: I am so sorry. I’m just nervous and I had never drank coffee.

Jeremy: Okay, Tobey, put the coffee down for a bit and take us through this next section.

Tobey: Oh. Welcome to Jurassic Park. Both sides of the tram are props and vehicles from all of the Jurassic films. Okay, wait, wait. What is that old joke? What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Lick-a-lotopus.

Jeremy: Okay, we don’t make jokes like that here.

Dana: Ha-ha. I get it. That’s good. Smart too.

Kenan: Um, I don’t get it. Could you explain?

Jeremy: We’re not going to explain that. Alright? But the Jeep too in my right, your left, is where Dennis Nedry squared off with a spitters, dinosaur’s deadly poison. Played by Wayne Knight, best known as Seinfeld’s Newman–

Tobey: Oh my god. Okay. So, that guy, I can’t believe I’m telling you this but what have I got to lose? Newman from Seinfeld is my softner. Okay? If I’m ever getting aroused down there at the wrong time, like at the gym or something, I think of that guy to like, soften things up. I’ll just be on the elliptical going “Newman from Seinfield, Newman from Seinfield”. Ha-ha. Let’s now put it up to the tram. What do you think? What are your softners?

Kenan: Um, Dobby the elf from Harry Potter. Nasty.

Jeremy: Okay. Thank you sir, but we’re not gonna do that.

Dana: Mine is Mr. Bean, goofy dudes don’t get a slick for me.

Tobey: I know, right?

Jeremy: Guys, please, alright? At this time, how about I welcome any groups joining us today. Hello and apologies to the Sun Coast church Christian Youth Fellowship.

Andrew: Do I have to say my softner?

Jeremy: No, no, you do not young man. Oh-oh. Guys, it looks like someone despicable is approaching the tram. Oh, it’s Gru from Despicable Me/Minions franchise.

Gru: It smells like tourist in here.

[Tobey looking at Gru]

Tobey: Dylan? He used to be my best friend. But you want to talk about the despicable, he got into coke and ditched me for all of his shady coke-head friends.

Gru: Ha-ha. What? No.

Tobey: Stop doing that, Dylan. You’re going to die.

Gru: Okay, bye. Enjoy the park.

Jeremy: Okay. Tobey, really need you to stay on the script, okay? Now folks, we’re heading to the Skull Island, home of King Kong.

Tobey: Okay. I cannot hear King Kong without thinking of the night I lost my virginity. It is the craziest story.

Jeremy: Okay. Give me your mic.

Tobey: Why?

Jeremy: Okay. Give me your mic.

Keman: Let the man talk.

 

Hot Damn

Beck Bennett

Dan Levy

Cecily Strong

Ego Nwodim

Kenan Thompson

Alex Moffat

[Starts with people walking out of a restaurant]

Beck: Are you serious? It’s the super bowl and your TV is broken?

Waiter: Yeah. I just got off with the owner. He’s coming down with another flat screen right now.

Waitress: I told Lee to buy a new TV.

Ego: How long is it gonna be? I have 500 bucks on this game.

Waitress: Guys, it’ll be back on before the second half.

Kenan: So what? We’re gonna be sitting here in silence until he shows up with a new TV?

Waitress: Well, I mean we could, I don’t know–

Waiter: I guess we could sing football songs.

Waitress: Oh. That’s a cute idea. We can sing football songs.

Waiter: Yeah. Everyone loves football songs.

Beck: What are football songs? Give me an example.

Waiter: Well, “Hot Damn” is one.

Alex: “Hot Damn” is one what?

Waitress: A football song. They played every Super Bowl. You will know it.

Ego: Wait, are you thinking of [humming] da-da-da-da-da?

Waiter: No. I’m not thinking about that. Why would I be thinking about that one? I said I was thinking of “Hot Damn”.

Beck: Well, I have never heard of it.

Waitress: Yeah. You have though. It goes something like00

[singing] Hot damn, I want to score the winning goal
Waiter: You will, you will put through the football hole

Waiter and Waitress: It’s a foot, it’s a ball, we just won,
Oh my god, hot damn!

Kenan: Okay.

Waiter: So, you do remember?

Kenan: No. I do not. I remember what you just did. And I will remember that for a while. But I do not remember it as a song.

Ego: And what is a football hole?

Waitress: I don’t know. It’s a song.

Waiter: I’m sorry if we’re not entertaining you enough.

Waitress: Yeah. I guess we could all just look at porn on our phones.

[Alex is reaching out for his phone.]

Beck: No, sorry. You’re right. [Alex stops himself] It was good.

Waitress: Well, that’s not even the whole thing.

Waiter: I know. It’s like, a fraction of a larger song.

Ego: Got it.

Waitress: I mean, if you’re literally begging us to sing it–

Alex: Uh, we’re not.

Waitress: Hot damn, you’re a chief and I’m a buc

Waiter: Not friends, but I don’t really give a… what?

Waiter and Waitress: So we run and we buc and we kiss and we love hot damn

Ego: Okay. You’re wearing dance shorts.

Waitress: Yeah. Well, it’s a sports bar.

Kenan: Near broadway. Are you two from broadway?

Waiter: No. We’re not from broadway. They want us to look sexy and I think we’re doing it.

Alex: Okay. So, this song is about two football players who kiss?

Waiter: I think they’re just excited because they won the game.

Beck: But they are not on the same team.

Waitress: Who is not?

Beck: The people.

Kenan: This song is not good.

Waitress: You know what? I think that’s probably because we’re stopping and starting.

Waiter: Yeah. We’re leaving too much room for people to interject with their thoughts.

Waitress: So, since you’re literally begging…

Kenan: We’re not though.

Waitress: If I don’t score a touchdown right now
I swear that I’ll eat my bra

Waiter: You gotta give the ball on the square

Waiter and Waitress: Oh, don’t get mad at us, puts on the bus
smack you ahead.

Kenan: We don’t know this song.

Waitress: You do.

Beck: We don’t. Unless it’s something like…

[singing] Hot damn, I’m in the zone

Ego: Hot damn like Tim Tebow

Alex: So we pun and we kiss and we love
and that’s slight too damn

Kenan: No!

Waiter and Waitress: If I don’t score a touchdown right now
I’ll touch your back in the car

Beck,Ego and Alex: The cheerleaders are calling to say

All: Were tired and here’s what we did,
we ran away.

[all run behind the bar]

Waiter: Tap break behind the bar.

Kenan: I am on Google right now and there’s exactly one song called “Hot Damn” and it was released in twothousandtwo by hiphop duo Clipse. It is not this song. This song is not real and those taps are not real.

Waitress: Well, maybe these tap hats and canes will help you remember.

Kenan: They will not!

All: Call in special teams, know who I mean
get in the game

All: Hot damn like Tim Tebow
and we rush and we kick and we puc
and we sing and we sing
and we dance and we kiss
hot damn

Ego: I guess we did remember that song.

Beck: Hey! This TV is unplugged. You just wanted to do your number.

Waitress: Yeah. And if you tell anyone, we’ll kill you.

Waiter: We’ll kill all of you.

Waitress: Okay, now let’s do it again. And really sell at this time.

Kenan: Hell, I knew y’all was a–

Supermarket Sweep

David Ruprecht… John Krasinski

James… Chris Redd

Dina… Ego Nwodim

Billy… Andrew Dismukes

Riba… Lauren Holt

Kris… Aidy Bryant

Gina… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with TV show schedule]

Female voice: You’re watching the Game Show Newtork’s 90’s Throwback Night. At 8, it’s Dogs vs Kids. At 9, it’s The Great American Slime Race. But now, it’s a classic 1991 episode of Supermarket Sweep.

[cut to the show set]

David Ruprecht: Hello and welcome back to Supermarket Sweep. It’s jeopardy for food. I’m your host David Ruprecht. Let’s meet today’s contestants. James and Dina. Billy and Reba. And Kris and Gina. Welcome to the show. James and Dina, how do you know each other?

James: We’re dating.

Dina: We’re engaged.

David Ruprecht: Terrific. Billy and Reba?

Billy and Riba: We’re married.

David Ruprecht: Very nice. And Kris and Gina. How do you two know each other?

Gina: We are very good friends.

Kris: Yes. We breed pugs

Gina: We also share clogs.

Kris: Yes. And one bedroom home in Vermont.

David Ruprecht: Super. Alright. You excited for sweep?

Gina: Oh sir, yes sir.

Kris: We have a dozen rescued animals with different unmanageable medical conditions that require separate diets.

Gina: We know the supermarket like the back of our strong women’s hand.

David Ruprecht: Well, that sounds good to me. Okay. Let’s get to the most famous part of Supermarket Sweep, the little quiz about grocery items. Who’s ready? Alright. So, here we go. Laid by a feathered bird on two legs, this breakfast oval is known as…

[Kris and Gina pressing the buzzer button]

Kris: Eggs.

Gina: It’s eggs.

Kris: Eggs.

David Ruprecht: Very good. Kris and Gina.

[Gina and Kris look at each other]

Gina: I love you.

[Gina and Kris kiss]

Kris: You’re my king.

David Ruprecht: Little friendship kiss there. And wow! Eggs are a $100 bonus items. So Gina, go find those eggs.

Gina: Okay, [pointing at Kris] this is for you

Kris: Go my provider.

[Gina runs towards the grocery section of the set and brings in the eggs.]

Gina: I love you.

Kris: Come on. Get those eggs.

Gina: Got em’. God, I missed you.

Kris: I missed you so much.

Gina: That was crazy for me.

Kris: I am sick when you are not here.

Gina: Let’s never do that again.

[Dina presses the buzzer button]

Dina: Egg

David Ruprecht: That is correct but little late. Great job to the gal pals but couples, you’re still in this. Okay, here’s your next clue. If you’re running late–

[Kris and Gina pressing the buzzer button]

Kris and Gina: It’s ketchup.

David Ruprecht: That is correct.

Riba: [to Billy] Why didn’t you say ketchup?

Billy: They’re so fast.

Riba: Don’t yell at me.

Billy: Don’t emasculate me on TV.

David Ruprecht: Oh, trouble in paradise. Now, let’s learn a little bit about our front runners. What do you guys do for work?

Kris: I have a doctorate in grocery riddles.

Gina: That’s right. And I’m a unitarian minister.

David Ruprecht: Neat. What would you do with the money if you win?

Kris: Well, our blind horse needs a full time nurse.

Gina: Yeah. My snow shoes are looking a little ratty.

Kris: Yeah. And I do need titanium ankles because mine are just sort of bone on bone.

David Ruprecht: Ouchie! Well, good luck catching up, couples, because these two are really in sync.

Gina: Yeah, we got a really good thing.

Kris: Yeah. This woman taught me how to trust.

Gina: Sometimes I lie awake praying that we die in the same moment.

[Dina presses the buzzer button]

Dina: [pointing at James] Now, why doesn’t he talk about me like that?

James: What did I do?

Dina: Don’t talk to me.

James: I don’t know what to tell ya’. Pairs of friends like this do really well on our show. In fact, let’s take a moment to give a shoutout to our previous winners this season. They’re Sam and Karen. [both women] Jan and Rebecca. [both women again] Kelly and Rone. [both women again] And Ellen and Portia. [both women again] Alright. Kris and Gina, since you’re in the lead, you’ll get to do the mini-sweep. Now, if you find the specially marked golden blue-berry, you’ll win $5000.

Gina: I got this and I got you, babe.

Kris: Thank you for today and all the days in the future and all the days that we have had forever together.

David Ruprecht: And go!

[Kris and Gina run towards the grocery section. Kris falls down because of her ankle problem.]

Kris: Ouch! Oh god! Oh, no. Oh, my ankles. You gotta go on without me.

Gina: No. I’m never leaving you again.

Kris: You will have to.

Gina: Oh, like hell I do.

David Ruprecht: 40 seconds on the clock.

Kris: Look at me, Gina. You are my world. And all the deaf donkeys we have raised from bottle call, you mother.

David Ruprecht: 20 seconds left, girls.

Gina: [pointing at David Ruprecht] Shut up.

Kris: Yes, you shut up. You shut the hell up and let me talk to my friend. [talking to Gina now] Now, I was gonna wait, but your mother to die before I did this. [Kris pulls out an engagement ring.]

Gina: Oh my god.

Kris: Gina, will you do me the honor of marrying us?

Gina: Yes. By the power vested in my by the store Vermont unitary, you may now kiss the friend.

Kris: Oh baby.

[Kris and Gina start making out on the floor]

David Ruprecht: Well, time’s up and you didn’t find the blueberries. But on the bright side, I’m thinking about asking one of you out. Well, thanks for watching, America. Goodnight.