Tag: Ego Nwodim

L’Eggs

Heidi Gardner

Blaze… Kyle Mooney

Andrew Dismukes

Ego Nwodim

Aidy Bryant

Jenny… Carey Mulligan

[starts with four friends sitting in a canteen at school]

Heidi: Damn, I couldn’t wait for algebra to end.

Blaze: Me neither. I was dying to meet up with my beat buddies.

Andrew: Hell, yeah. So, what do you guys think? Is there after school rap group commence?

Ego: Okay. Definitely. You know I love to freestyle rap. Blaze, you on the beat?

Blaze: You know it. Let’s go.

[Blaze stands and starts beatboxing]

Ego: [rapping] Waking up rolling out of bed
my mom calls me a sleepyhead

Andrew: No cigarettes, I do not smoke
but if you got weed, I’ll have a toke

[Aidy and Jenny walk in]

Aidy: Legs looking smooth while I do my groceries,
silky and svelte in my brand new hosiery.

Heidi: Um, sorry. Who are you guys?

Aidy: Yeah, who are you guys?

Ego: I think she’s talking about you two.

Jenny: Us? We’re your female teen peers.

Aidy: Yes. Fellow students who learn.

Ego: How old are you?

Aidy: Well, we’re nine, like you.

Jenny: How old are you guys?

Heidi: We’re 15.

Aidy: Well, so are we. We’re post puberty but we can’t yet join the military.

Andrew: Did you say nine? You think we’re nine?

Jenny: Hey, gang. Next order of business, what brand of soothing pantyhose does the the rap team wear?

Aidy: Hey, that’s what I was wondering too, Jenny. I mean, I can’t get on stage if I’m plagued by worry about unsightly leg veins, am I right girlfriends?

Jenny: I can completely agree. My pantyhose color is sun-tan beige.

Aidy: And mine is chicken tender nude.

Heidi: Well, we don’t really wear pantyhose.

Blaze: Yeah. We just have these t-shirts and, like, jeans.

Ego: Okay. Are we ‘after school rap’ team or ‘talking about tights’ team? Come on, Blaze.

[Blaze starts beatboxing]

Andrew: [rapping] Never do my chores and never do a dish
throw the basketball it goes swish

Jenny: Praying for some good legs on my rosary
complete leg support with L’Eggs brand hosiery.

Heidi: Okay, why do you two keep bringing up hosiery?

Aidy: Okay, we confess. We are sales representatives for L’Eggs brand hosiery. You see, they come in these big eggs that are not bio-degradable. Cool, right?

Jenny: You are voted by your peers as the students who are most likely to wear pantyhose.

Aidy: Yeah. You could put hosiery hot on the market again.

Ego: No offense. But I don’t even know what hosiery is? Is it for grandmas?

Jenny: No. It’s for beautiful women who graduated college [Aidy pulls in a screen with their commercial] and are working a job and hopes that the boss will ask her handed marriage. Here we have a simple powerpoint presentation to explain.

Aidy: Yes. [There’s a picture of legs on the screen] Ew, look at those disgusting legs. I mean, I can see every shadow and curve of the toes.

Jenny: That’s not cool. That sucks. I want my legs to look like beige sheer column. For the low, low price of $8 for a pack of 24.

Ego: That is a good deal.

Aidy: It just is. And you aren’t the only one who thought that.

Jenny: In the 80s and 90s, everyone wanted hairless elegant legs with no toenail.

Heidi: Damn, that’s cool.

Aidy: Yeah, I sure relate to you there sister. But then came the nightmare whore trends of the early 2000s. [Pictures of Christina Agulera and Britney Spears on the screen] X-Tina and Ms. Pears wore raw legs and toe rings. They didn’t know that they were missing out on this. [Aidy shows off her own legs]

Jenny: My favorite are the L’Eggs made memory yarn. I love them. Just take a look at these. [Jenny shoes off her own legs]

Blaze: Damn. I’m not gonna lie, those legs look good.

Andrew: I love how L’Eggs leaves something to the imagination.

Jenny: Yes. That’s right, boys. So, what do you say, students? Do you have what it takes to become Brand Ambassadors for L’Eggs?

Heidi: We want to but we don’t know how.

Jenny: It’s easy.

Aidy: All you have to do is this.

[Aidy and Jenny start showing off their legs again.]

Vaccine Game Show

Tevin Jones… Daniel Kaluuya

Tasha.. Ego Nwodim

Derek… Kenan Thompson

Donald… Chris Redd

Shawna… Punkie Johnson

Sarah… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with show intro]

Tevin Jones: Hey, I’m Dr. Tevin Jones and welcome to “Will you take it?” The game show where I try to convince my family to take the covid vaccine. Let’s see who is playing today. We got my lovely cousin, Tasha.

Tasha: Hey.

Tevin Jones: My favorite uncle, Derek.

Derek: Watch out, now.

Tevin Jones: My cousin, Donald.

Donald: Call me Don Juan.

Tevin Jones: And my sweet aunt, Shawna. How are you doing?

Shawna: Baby, I’m blessed.

Tevin Jones: Good to hear. Alright. As you all know, I’m a medical doctor working on the front lines of covid.

Derek: Yes, that’s right.

Tevin Jones: I’ve seen what this disease is doing first hand.

All: Um-hmm.

Donald: Ain’t no joke.

Tevin Jones: And all of you are considered high risk for covid.

All: True.

Tasha: Whatever that means.

Tevin Jones: Bud despite all of my pleads, none of you have been vaccinated yet.

All: Hell nah!

Tevin Jones: Okay. So, let’s get into it. If you answer this first question right, I will hand you $500 in cash. Listen carefully. Will any of you will just take covid vaccine right now? Anybody? Any takers?

[buzzer sound]

Cousin Tasha.

Tasha: $500 cash?

Tevin Jones: Yes.

Tasha: Okay. Can you repeat the question?

Tevin Jones: Sure. The question is – would any of you just take the covid vaccine right now? Anybody?

[buzzer sound]

Don.

Donald: Nope.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Tevin Jones: Not the answer I was looking for.

Donald: Man, I don’t need that vaccine, man.

Tevin Jones: And just to remind everybody watching, you’re a diabetic and you’ve been shot in the lung.

Donald: But I never get sick because I sleep in my socks.

Tevin Jones: Time’s up. We were looking for the answer – “Yes, I will take the vaccine.”

Tasha: Damn.

Tevin Jones: It’s okay. You’ll get more chances to win. Uncle Derek, you’ve had two heart attacks in the past decade.

Derek: Um-hmm. And I survived by the grace of god.

Tevin Jones: And what will you do if you win some money here?

Derek: Man. I might like me a little reefer. Getting them one of them pellet smokers. Yeah. Throw a big old barbecue bash in the neighborhood. No masks.

Tevin Jones: Okay, sounds like you really need this vaccine. So, for $5,000, will you take the vaccine right now?

Derek: Hmm. I don’t know about that.

Tevin Jones: Think about this, uncle Derek. $5,000 is on the line.

Derek: Damn. 5 racks? It’s a lot of bread. I could get me a little girlfriend.

Tevin Jones: And you can have a barbecue. You can have your barbecue completely vaccinated.

Derek: Nah, it ain’t worth it.

Tevin Jones: Really? What about you, aunt Shawna?

Shawna: You know I can’t take that vaccine. I am a Christian.

Tevin Jones: Who told you Christians can’t take the vaccine?

Shawna: Facebook.

Tevin Jones: Time’s up. Again, we were looking for – “Yes.”

Derek: Look, I don’t mind taking the vaccine. I just want to be the first, you know?

Tevin Jones: You won’t be the first. Literally, 100 million people have already taken the vaccine.

Derek: Still, though.

[game show sound]

Tevin Jones: Well, that sound means it’s time for “Ask a doctor”. This is where each of you get to ask me, a medical doctor, any questions you have about the covid vaccine. And in the end, hopefully, some of you will leave here with cash and take the vaccine. Let’s start the clock at all day. [the game timer has 24 hours countdown.] And go! Tasha.

Tasha: Do it got syphilis in it?

Tevin Jones: What? Of course not. Why would it have syphilis in it? Tasha?

Tasha: Tuskegee.

Tevin Jones: Okay. But that was a long time ago.

Tasha: Um-hmm, well I ain’t forget.

Tevin Jones: It doesn’t have syphilis in it. Don?

Donald: Alright, I’ll take it when white people start taking it.

Tevin Jones: White people are taking it.

Donald: Man, you can’t trust white people.

Tevin Jones: Why can’t you trust white people? Tasha?

Tasha: Tuskegee.

Tevin Jones: Okay. You’re not wrong about Tuskegee. But still.

Derek: Nephew, I got a question. How come you don’t visit the family no more?

Shawna: Yeah. You missed grandma’s birthday.

Tevin Jones: None of you are vaccinated yet. And you shouldn’t be having parties.

Tasha: [mocking] You shouldn’t be having parties. Dork ass!

Tevin Jones: Whatever. Look, I’m offering you guys $5,000 to take this vaccine.

Derek: Make it 10.

Tevin Jones: Okay, fine. I’ma give you $20,000. Will you take it now?

Derek: 20 racks? [thinking] Nah, I’m good.

Tevin Jones: Okay. This is not working. This is not working. Let’s just take a break. Ha-ha. And when we come back, I’ll see if my girlfriend, Sarah, who’s also a doctor, can change their minds.

[Cut to Sarah. She’s a white girl]

Sarah: It’s really nice to meet you guys.

[The family are complaining about her]

Salt Bae

Cecily Strong

Ego Nwodim

Dave… Daniel Kaluuya

Mikey Day

David Beckham… Alex Moffat

Victoria Beckham… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with two couples at a fine dining]

Cecily: So glad we could do this. Lisa, you look so cute.

Ego: Thanks girl. This is where my steamy money went.

Cecily: I mean, it’s nice. It’s not $1200 nice.

Dave: This place is cool. Good choice, baby.

Mikey: Yeah. And I heard he’s actually here tonight.

Dave: Who’s here?

[Salt Bae walks to their table with a chopping board, a meat on it and a knife.]

Cecily: Salt Bae!

Ego: Oh my god, Salt Bae is at our table.

Dave: Good evening, bro. Got any specials tonight?

Ego: Oh my god. I know the specials. He’s going to give us the meat.

Dave: Did we order this?

Cecily: [taking a video] Shh! It’s happening.

[Salt Bae puts in the salt in his style]

Girls: Wow!

Dave: Wow. Didn’t know you like salt that much.

[Salt Bae gestures like he’s calling Cecily]

Cecily: You want me to salt meat?

Ego: Oh my god. Dave, you better get your phone out and film her.

Dave: Why?

Ego: This is why she’s here, dammit!

[Salt Bae is holding Cecily and helping her salt the meat]

Dave: That’s insane amount of touching with the waiter, right?

Ego: He’s not a waiter.

Dave: Well then, what is he?

[Salt Bae cuts a slice of meat and lifts it with the knife]

Cecily: Ooh! Drop it down my throat.

Dave: What?

Cecily: Babe, are you filming?

Dave: Yeah. But why are you eating like that though?

[Salt Bae puts a meat in Cecily’s mouth. Then he wipes her lips and walks away.]

Cecily: Hmm. Bye.

Ego: Bye, Salt Bae.

Dave: Right. So, I didn’t like that.

Cecily: Dave, that’s Salt Bae. He’s the most important chef in the world. Haven’t you seen his Instagram?

Dave: You get on, Sam bro.

Mikey: Yes, I think it’s cultural thing. Like, Salt Bae loves beautiful steak and Salt Bae loves beautiful women.

Ego: Wait, are you upset with Hannah or are you upset with Salt Bae?

Mikey: Yeah, because you can’t be mad a Salt Bae.

Cecily: Dave, Salt Bae is allowed.

Dave: No, no, no, no. It’s fine. Never mind. You’re having a good time. Enjoy the meat, babe.

[Salt Bae jumps in with another piece of meat]

Hello again, Salt Bae. Spanking the meat. I see you. I understand what you’re doing. Very good.

[Salt Bae moves near Cecily]

Cecily: Oh, my turn I guess. [Cecily slaps the meat] Oh! Oh, I love the way your meat feels.

Dave: It’s just not sanitary.

[Salt Bae moves near Ego]

Ego: Now it’s my turn to spank your meat.

Mikey: [filming Ego] Oh my god! Amazing!

Dave: Bro, you like this?

Mikey: No, I hate this.

Dave: I’d love to order a drink by the way.

[Salt Bae puts the meat on the chopping board and walks out]

And he’s gone. He’s gone.

Cecily: I am posting the video and tagging him.

Dave: I’m sorry, but this guy is giving me magician energy. You know? It’s a bit firsty.

Ego: Wait, are you jealous?

Dave: Of the meat mime? No.

Cecily: Oh my god, he DM’ed me.

Dave: What the hell did he say?

Cecily: [hiding her phone] Nothing.

[Salt Bae jumps in with the gold steak]

Mikey: Oh! The gold steak.

[Salt Bae pulls out a bone and moves near Ego]

Ego: Me?

[Ego opens her mouth wide open. Salt Bae puts in the bone.]

Mikey: Honey, you’re so lucky!

Dave: I’m feeling like we shouldn’t be watching this.

Mikey: I like to watch.

[Salt Bae moves near Mikey]

Me? No, I’m not beautiful like them.

[Salt Bae puts the bone in Mikey’s mouth]

Ego: Wow. You look so happy.

Dave: I don’t know if I like that. By the way, how much is it? How much is the gold steak?

[Salt Bae passes the bill on his knife]

Dave: Perfect! I’m getting charged $1100 to get cucked in front of David Beckham.

David Beckham: Salt Bae. Cool, right?

Victoria Beckham: Your girlfriend is absolutely stalling with the steak.

[Now, Cecily is on the table with her legs spread. Salt Bae is pouring salt between her legs. Cecily is moaning.]

Dave: That’s it! Sir, you’re an Instagram celebrity. You’re not better than me. I manage T-Mobile. And I worked hard to take my lady to dinner and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t salt her on our dinner table.

Cecily: [yelling at Dave, still her legs spread] Hey! Calm down. You’re embarrassing me in front of the Beckham Poshs.

Beckhams: We like it.

Dave: Anyone can slice meat. It’s not that hard.

[Dave tries to slice the meat]

Salt Bae: No, it’s very sharp!

[Dave cuts his thumb off. He is bleeding and spraying blood all over the place.]

Mikey: Oh my god!

Cecily: Hey, your thumb. You should take yourself to the hospital.

Dave: Take myself?

Cecily: Yes. We’ve got steak left.

Proud Parents

Debbie… Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

Mrs. Pine… Aidy Bryant

Mr. Pine… Kenan Thompson

Mrs. Obi… Ego Nwodim

Mr. Obi… Daniel Kaluuya

Nick… Andrew Dismukes

David… Chris Redd

[Starts with a group of people walking to the living room after having a meal.]

Debbie: Wow, what a lovely meal this was.

Beck: Absolutely. This was my first time having Nigerian food and I must say, it is delicious.

Mrs. Pine: Oh. Hard agree. Pearl, you have to share that stew recipe with me.

Mr. Pine: Why? You know it’s not gonna taste the same when you do it. [laughing]

Mrs. Obi: Oh, come on. Linda, I am sure your stew will be very good.

Mr. Obi: Next time, she will make you a Ugandan dish. I’m the luckiest person because I get to enjoy her cooking every day.

Debbie: Well boys, you should be proud of yourselves. First year of college in the camp.

Beck: Now, I hate to be that dad but Nick actually won an award for his final project.

All: Really?

Nick: It’s nothing really. It’s just a piece I made in postmodern sculpting class.

Debbie: We actually brought it. [showing the sculpture.]

Mrs. Pine: Wow!

Mr. Pine: Kind of takes your breath away.

Mr. Obi: That’s fantastic. I’m proud to say I know the next Picasso.

Mrs. Obi: Yes. Nick, it looks like you’re going to be a famous artist some day.

Nick: Oh. Thanks, Mr. and Mr.s Obi.

Debbie: And how are things going over for you over at Drexel, David?

Mr. Obi: Oh, David is studying to be a medical doctor. We are very proud of him. Paging Dr. Obi.

Mrs. Obi: David, why don’t you tell everyone about your pre-med classes? He is excelling in chemistry.

David: Well, I actually changed my major to creative writing.

[plot change music playing]

Mrs. Obi: You did what?

David: I changed my major to creative writing.

Mr. Obi: Creative who?

David: Creative write-ing.

Mr. Obi: God forbid.

Mrs. Obi: What is ‘creative write-ing’?

David: Something I’m really passionate about. I actually won the ‘Promising Young Writer’ award.

Debbie: Oh, that’s fantastic.

Beck: Nice, buddy.

Mrs. Obi: Oh, yes, very nice, buddy. And award? Can you pay your bills with an award?

Mr. Obi: Can you buy a house with an award?

Mrs. Obi: ‘Promising young writer’. Who promised you what?

David: When Nick said he won an award, you guys said he was going to be famous.

Mr. Obi and Mrs. Obi: We were lying.

Mr. Obi: Look at his ridiculous sculpture.

Mrs. Obi: This ugly thing. Very, very ugly. Mark my words. In two years, Mr. Picasso here is going to be a bag boy at Trader Joe’s.

Debbie: Hey! You know we’re right here.

Mrs. Obi: Debby, it’s true, honey.
Mr. Obi: Son. You are born to be a doctor.

Mrs. Obi: Yes. What kind of job will you get with creative writing?

David: I could be an author.

Mrs. Obi and Mr. Obi: No.

David: A journalist.

Mrs. Obi and Mr. Obi: No.

David: A professor.

Mrs. Obi and Mr. Obi: Hell no.

Debbie: Hey, those sound like great careers.

Mrs. Obi: No, Debbie. They’re not. [to David] You can become a doctor for 40 or 50 years, and then do your writing once you retire.

Beck: You know guys? The world needs poets too.

Mr. Obi: Yes. If there’s anything we have learned from the pandemic, it’s that the world needs more poets.

Mrs. Pine: I think it’s beautiful that you’re discovering your own interest, David.

David: Thanks, Mrs. Pine.

Mrs. Obi: Okay, Linda Pine. Why don’t you take him?

Mrs. Pine: Excuse me?

Mr. Obi: David is your’s now.

Mrs. Obi: Yes. Since you think it’s so beautiful that he won’t be a doctor, he can be your son.

Mrs. Pine: Oh, I don’t think–

Mrs. Obi: Oh! She doesn’t think. Hah!

Mr. Obi: So, you also don’t want a son that’s not a doctor.

David: Ma and dad, I’m just not passionate about being a doctor.

Mrs. Obi: Okay. If you really don’t want to be a doctor… You have to!

Debbie: You guys haven’t even read any of his written yet.

Beck: Yes. David, maybe you can read one of your poems.

David: Sure, I’d be happy to. [stands up] This poem, I won an award for. It’s called ‘My sorrow’. [opens a sheet of paper and starts reading]

I wake up and my emotions are as blue as blue paint

[he sits down]

Mrs. Pine: That’s it?

David: Yes.

Mr. Pine: You know, ain’t nothing wrong with being a doctor, David.
Mrs. Pine: Yeah.

Debbie: How about a toast? Here’s to Nick and David. To promising young artists.

[Mrs. Obi and Mr. Obi are also raising their glasses, but they’re very pissed off. They break their glasses.]

Mr. Obi: Oh, no. We are bleeding.

Mrs. Obi: Oh, is there a poet in the house? Someone call a poet!

Mr. Obi: Call a poet!

Half Brother

Kenan Thompson

Dale… Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

Lars… Daniel Kaluuya

Jolene… Cecily Strong

Ego Nwodim

[Starts with five adults raising their glasses]

All: Happy birthday to you.

Kenan: Thank you, you guys.

Dale: Hey, you’re turning 69, right?

Kenan: Dale! Leave it to Dale to make a nasty, nasty joke.

Dale: Guilty as charged!

Kenan: Well, I may laugh but I don’t like it.

Aidy: Well, anyway. Thank you so much for being here. You all are such a dear friends.

Lars: Only friends here?

Jolene: Yeah, only friends? Or–

Kenan: Oh. Yes. My half brother, Lars.

Lars: Half brother, full Facebook friend.

Kenan: That’s right. And his partner, Jolene.

Jolene: Yeah, easy to remember. Like, the whore from the song.

Kenan: So, yeah. Thank you both for driving all the way from the tip top of Canada.

Lars: No offense, but who’s going to make this a real party? You know what I mean?

Aidy: Oh! You don’t mean drugs, do you?

Jolene: Well, think sexier.

Dale: Oh-oh! Sounds like they hired a stripper.

Kenan: No! No! I said no nasty!

Lars: No. She’s not a stripper, but she’s nude, beautiful, and she lets you grab her by the neck and slap her around. It’s my upright bass. [there’s a upright bass at the side]

Aidy: Oh, look honey. He moved our entire media center and put his upright bass there.

Lars: Don’t worry. All your crap is in the bathroom. Now, who wants to play my upright bass?

Ego: Probably no one.

Lars: Well, I do.

Jolene: Well, if you’re going to play upright bass, who’s going to do spoken word poetry? [pointing at Aidy] You?

Aidy: No. No, I don’t like where this is going.

Ego: Yeah. Where is it going?

Kenan: Well, I think my half brother and his wife are going to perform some jazz thing.

Jolene: Well, feel free to snap along anyone. [Lars and Jolene get ready to perform] I think you’ll know where we picked this one.

Lars: This is for you, half brother. On your birthday.

[Lars starts playing the bass]

Jolene: [poetry] Kitty’s on the sand with the shackles on his hand
coz kitty stole the bacon and the bacon’s for the taking.

Lars: He stole it for the lover but lover found another

Jolene: He never did confess but they fried them nonetheless

Lars and Jolene: Zaba-duba-de, now, meow!

Lars: Happy birthday.

Kenan: Wow. That was amazing. Thank you.

Jolene: No, no. We don’t deserve all that. Come on. We can do better.

Lars: See, normally when we do this, we’re just made love in any old way.

Jolene: Yeah, you know how it goes. Twisted around, up side down, magic night gowns. But that’s all over. We are getting the big old D-I-V-O-R-C. Anybody knows that that spells?

Aidy: Well, you almost spelled divorce.

Lars: And we’re almost divorced.

Jolene: Yeah. We tried to fix things with an open marriage but he forgot to tell me about it.

Lars: I could have sworn I mentioned it.

Jolene: Nope. Well, thank you both. We enjoyed whatever that was you did. And I’m sorry about your divorce.

Jolene: No, no, no. don’t be. I mean, the marriage might be over but we still got the band. Hey, let’s prove it.

Ego: No need.

[Lars starts playing the bass]

Jolene: [poem] Tony Loney Money had a lonely horoscony
his name was way too long to fit on a tombstoney

Lars: The grumpy old crooney, the thought everyone was phoney
so no one was around when he choked his baloney

Lars and Jolene: Shapa-shapa-shapa-duray-meow!

Aidy: Well, thank you so much for you jazz beat. I think we’re good.

Jolene: And?

Dale: Sorry about your divorce.

Lars: But?

Ego: We’re the glad the band is still together?

Lars: Because?

Kenan: We liked it?

Jolene: And now you want an?

Aidy: Encore? Oh no! Why did I say that?

Kenan: I guess this is how I’m spending my first birthday out of quarantine.

[Lars starts playing bass]

Jolene: [poem] Nothing could be slicker than rabbit drinking liquor

Lars: But when he hit the jicker adding whiskey in his picker

Dale: Okay, I like it now.

Jolene: It just lay there like a worm refusing to perform.

Lars and Jolene: Rabbity-scabbity-rabbity ray
rabbity-scabbity not today

meow!

Ego: Why does it always end with meow?

Dale: I don’t know. Ask them.

Aidy: Hey, where did they go? [they’re not there]

Kenan: I think they’re having sex in our bedroom.

Ego: How do you know?

Kenan: Well, they left the door open and I can see everything.

Aidy: Okay. Should we just do presents?

Kenan: I guess.

Lars and Jolene: [shouting in another room] Shaba-shaba-do-ray-meow!

Aidy: Oh my god!

Kenan: No, no. Don’t look. That’s what they want.

Spring Break Game Show Cold Open

Cece Vuvuzela… Maya Rudolph

Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Chris Redd

Madison… Chloe Fineman

Poots… Ego Nwodim

Lego… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: You’re watching MTV Spring Break live at Miami beach where the party don’t stop until the government mandated curfew. Next stop, it’s the number one game show for hot infectious singles – “Snatched! Vaxed! or Waxed!”

[cheers and applause]

[cut to Cece hosting the show]

Cece: Yes. Whoo! What’s up? Oh, what’s up, you guys? I am your host Cece Vuvuzela. I am here at beautiful Miami beach during global pandemic. We are so close to the end. Let’s ruin it! Okay, guys. When I say fourth, you say wave. Fourth!

Contestants: Wave!

Cece: Let’s go! Whoo! Today, three contestants will try and guess if our hidden lovely ladies are snatched – meaning the physique be right and tight, vaxed – and they got the anti-bodies-yadi-yadies, or waxed – a.k.a. smooth like a seal. That’s weird. Our equally important qualities. Ready boys?

Kyle: [excited] Oh, hell yeah!

Beck: Born this way.

Chris: My homie got me the vaccine two years ago. So, I’ve been straight for a minute.

Cece: Why don’t we meet our first covid cutie?

Madison: Hi, I’m Madison. I go to the university of high school where I major in home room. I’m here in Miami to either get covid or get laid.

Cece: Um, that’s good. Don’t let the pandemic change your priorities, right? What do you think, boys?

Kyle: That’s the voice of a girl with a small hard body if you please, ma’am. So, I’ma say snatched.

Beck: That sounded like a girl I hooked up with earlier today, so based off that I gotta say waxed.

Chris: Yo, she sounds like she’s down for anything crazy. So, I’ma say she got vaxed.

Cece: Tell em’ your deal.

Madison: I’m on Florida Adderal, man! So yeah, I’m snatched.

Cece: Oh, you guessed correct which means the two of you are headed to club Syph. With a capacity of 2,000, this place is literally on fire every night. Just make sure you go on before 10 because that’s when the cops stop firing pepper balls into your face.

Madison: Oh, pepper ball sounds fun. Let’s go do one.

[Madison and Kyle leave]

Cece: Snatched, Vaxed or waxed is brought to you by Spirit Airlines. “$10 flight to Miami. Don’t worry, we keep the windows open.” And AstraZeneca. “We put the ass in vassine”. Let’s meet our next hottie with the body.

Poots: Hey, I’m Poots and it’s technically not my spring break because I’m still going to Zoom school to be a therapist. Um-hmm, yeah, sorry sir, but you crazy. I’m gonna be a doctor.

Cece: Umm, what do we think, boys?

Chris: She sounded smart, so I gotta go with waxed.

Beck: I know she don’t want herpes, so I’m gonna say vaxed.

Cece: Uh-uh, neither of you guessed correctly. So, Poots is headed out on a date to the Versace Murder Steps all by herself.

Poots: I don’t wanna go there.

Cece: It’s not optional. Enjoy Miami. Let’s meet our final pandemic princess.

Lego: What’s up? I’m Lego and I actually can’t wear a mask coz it irritates my cold sores. So, I am anti-vaxed and anti-max. But I am laxed.

Chris: What are you saying?

Lego: I’m in laxed place.

Chris: Okay. You know what? She made a point saying she’s anti-vaxed. But I think she’s just flirting. So, I’ma say vaxed.

Cece: Oh, no, come on. You guys know no one partying in Miami is vaxed. [siren] Oh-oh, you know what that siren means.

Beck: [wearing his police vest] I’m actually a cop and that siren means I’m on duty now.

Cece: No. It means we take a shot and keep the party going. Please welcome people’s cousin Leopard.

[starting the party. Chris and Lego start danging]

Chris: Alright, alright, everybody out. Everybody out. Let’s go. Let’s go.

Cece: Oh, no, smoke bombs. That means they’re closing the bridges. We gotta go. I am Cece and it was all worth it. And–

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Hot Ones

Sean Evans… Mikey Day

Beyonce… Maya Rudolph

DeMichelangelo… Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Agent… Alex Moffat

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: “Hot Ones”, the show where celebrities answer hot questions while eating even hotter wings.

[Cut to the show]

Sean: Hi, I’m Sean Evans. I’m joined today by royalty Grammy winning recording artist, actress and icon, Deyonce Knowles-Carter. It is truly an honor.

Beyonce: Yeah, I know.

Sean: Like, I cannot believe you’re on hot ones.

Beyonce: I feel you. I can’t tell if this is beneath me. But my sister, Solange loves this show and said I’d have fun. So…

Sean: Well, I’m glad she did. So, we can start with a mild wing here.

Beyonce: Mild? Come on, now. I’m from Texas, baby. This girl can handle her wings. Let’s start with this one right here.

Sean: Okay. Yeah. Let’s do it. Let’s do it. [showing the chilly sauce] This is Hitler’s anus roasted reaper sauce with the scoville rating of 135,600.

[both eat the wings]

Beyonce: [looking nervous] I don’t love that name but the wing look good.

Sean: Alright. You said in the 26th Vanity Fair article that as a child, being on stage set you free. Can you talk more about that?

Beyonce: Well. I was a shy kid. Umm… this is good, by the way. Spicy, though. But when I got– Whoo! Okay. This wing came correct. It’s very hot. I’m good though.

Sean: Okay. You have some ice water and milk there if you need any.

Beyonce: I’m not gonna drink big fat glass of milk on camera. That’s not a good look for Beyonce.

Sean: Yeah. Milk isn’t like, a sexy drink. I’m sorry. Now, there’s a lyrics in Bills, Bills, Bills. Are you okay?

[Beyonce is sweating all over her face]

Miss Knowles-Carter, are you good? Beyonce?

Beyonce: [spooky voice] Sorry, I’m good. Your girl’s throat just closed up for a second thought. Let’s do the next wing.

Sean: Okay. Are you sure?

Beyonce: Definitely, boo.

Sean: Okay. Alright. Next up, we have the Devil’s Diarrhea Scorpion sauce, scoville rating of 676,000.

[both eat the wigs]

Yeah, good, right? So, after the Destiny’s Child’s performance at the 2016 Super Bowl, fans speculated a possible–

Beyonce: Oh, damn!

Sean: Um, is there any chance–

Beyonce: [screaming] Ah! Sorry, what?

Sean: Um, is there any chance of reunion?

Beyonce: [screaming] Ooh! Kiss my ass! I’m sweating. Beyonce’s head is wet. Damn, this wing is recking me. I need to hydrate. [drinking water] Oh, this isn’t helping. Damn, water makes it worse. Oh lord, why is it worse? [starts drinking milk] Got my ass drinking milk now. Room temp milk? For real? Oh, Solange in trouble now!

Sean: Is Destiny’s Child reunion something you’ve thought about? No! No! Don’t touch your eyes!

[Beyonce is wiping away her tears with her hands]

Beyonce: I know that now, you bald ass bitch. Oh, my whole head is on fire. Where is my hair stylist? DeMichelangelo, come to my side.

DeMichelangelo: Yes, B.

Beyonce: Argh! I need you to take my wig off, put six ice cubes on my head, then put my wig back on.

DeMichelangelo: But B, you on camera.

Beyonce: I don’t care. Take my wig off. Put six ice cubes on my head then put my wig back on.

DeMichelangelo: But I don’t have my wig gloves. I might grease the hair, B.

Beyonce: Do it now or I will stomp you to death.

DeMichelangelo: Yes. Of course, B. Oh my lord, I’m doing a wig pop with my bare hands. Oh Jesus, help me.

[trying to take Beyonce’s wig off]

Ego: Hey! Hey! Hey! Bald man, do not film B taking her wig off. No. Not gonna happen.

Sean: We can always edit it out.

Ego: No. Doesn’t matter. I don’t want the footage to exist. B, you good? Oh, she’s good. Continue.

Beyonce: [her hair is all messed up] I’m alright. I’m alright. Proceed.

Sean: Okay. Can you talk about the origin of this ‘now iconic’ move?

Beyonce: I forget.

Sean: Oh really? You don’t remember where it came from at all?

Beyonce: Dude, it’s taking all my concentration to keep from blowing out my pants on you Junkie ass show.

Sean: Okay. So, you need to stop?

Beyonce: Beyonce don’t quit. You have any more sauces out there?

Sean: There are six.

Beyonce: Oh, hell no. Get my agent out here. Tod, shut it down.

[Agents walk in shutting down the show]

Agent: Okay, folks. This never happened. Yeah? I need all footage and audio files destroyed. If you leave here without signing an NDA, you will be shot. Okay?

Boomers Got the Vax

Chris Redd

Mikey Day

Kyle Mooney

Melissa Villaseñor

Kenan Thompson

Maya Rudolph

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

E-dith Puthie… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with video clips from the news]

Newscaster: A majority of baby boomers have been vaccinated. Have been vaccinated.

[music playing]

Have been vaccinated, vaccinated
Vaccinated, vaccinated, vaccinated

Chris: Baby boomers, greatest generation
Got all the money, now we got the vaccination
Crash the economy, three whole times
But when it comes to the vax, we the first in line

Mikey: Got a job out of college, no student debt
Retirement funded, 100%
Voted for Trump, but just for the taxes
Don’t believe in Covid, still got the vaxes

Kyle: Pzifer, Moderna, I know you wur-na
Get one, but you gotta wait your tur-na
I get to the vax site, I get what I want son
You get what’s left bitch – Johnson & Johnson!

All: Money, stacked
Pants, khaks
Arm, vaxxed
No, mask

Chris: Biggest generation, ain’t no stopping me
Never gonna die, draining social security

Melissa: The boomers got the vax
No rumors, just facts, yeah
Give it up if you’re 70+
Everyone else gettin’ jealous of us, jealous of us

Kenan: Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba Baby Boomer
(How you livin’ ladies?)
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba Baby Boomer
(Hah)

Maya: Ow! Covid can’t touch me now
Low mask in the store, nose poking out
When it’s time to pay, I whip the coupons out
Even though I got the stimmy in the bank account

Aidy: Y’all can’t see? Lemme give you a clear sense
We out here spending your inheritance
You in the parking lot eating by the trash right
We in the booth reading menus with the flashlight

Kate: Yeah, I know you missed us
Might book a trip on the Diamond Princess
Eat all the food, drink all the booze
Sail all the cruise, while you still on the Zoom

All: Job, retired
Climate, deniered
License, expired
But we still on fire

Maya: Stop by my house
Give my grandkids a hug
Now get the f— out
I’m tryna have fun!

Melissa: The boomers got the vax
Everyone else get to the back (get back), yeah
We comin’ first like we always do
We jumpin’ in front of you, and you, and you (And uh)
And you (And uh), and you (Uh), and you (Uh)

Kenan: I-M-M-U-N-I-T-Y
That’s what I got, I got bodies-anti
I got the shot, that’s just how it is
You locked inside, homeschooling my grandkids
I know you wanna live large like me
I got the big ass house and the SUV
I got the second house too, and the third house, three
And the place in Vermont, and one in Miami
Damn, I got five houses?
That’s a lot. Hm, good for me.

Chris: Hit the links with the drinks for another golf sess
You on the vax website hittin’ the refresh
You whine and cry while we dine inside
We run the world since 1945, hah!

Mikey: Me? I spend my time playing tennis
Two things that don’t work, me and my pen-is
My shirt (What about it?), you know it’s gettin’ tucked
And my wife (What about her?), she left me (Oh)

E-dith Puthie: Hold up, hold up, I ain’t had my say yet
Yo, tell ’em what my name is

Kenan: Edith, Edith, Edith, Edith
E-dith Puthie!

E-dith Puthie: Edith Puthie on the track, you know I’m vaxxed out
Pop a Cialis, come throw yo’ back out
Hands in the air like your shoulder don’t hurt
Drop that ass to the floor like your knees still work

Melissa: Boomers got the vax, uhh
Boomers got the vax

Kenan: It is what it is sucka

 

Vaccine Game Show Cold Open

Dr. Anthony Fauci… Kate McKinnon

Gavin Newsom… Alex Moffat

Andrew Cuomo… Pete Davidson

Gretchen Whitmer… Cecily Strong

Jane F. … Heidi Gardner

Kendall Frye… Ego Nwodim

Melissa Villseñor

Ronald… Bowen Yang

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Seymour Foreman… Mikey Day

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: And now, a message from Dr. Anthony Fauci.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

[cheers and applause]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Hello. Hello. Okay. Thank you. Hello. I am America’s voice of reason and Celebrity Hall Pass for some reason, Dr. Fauci. The vaccine rollout is going strong, but it’s also very confusing. Who can get it? How? When? Where is it? Do both doses go in the same arm or different arms or what? I don’t know. So tonight, we give everyday Americans the chance to vie for vaccine eligibility on a little show we like to call “So you think you can get the vaccine?” [clapping]

[cheers and applause]

Hello and welcome to the name of the game show I just said.

[Dr. Anthony Fauci walks to the podium that’s shaped like covid-Dr. Anthony FauciSeymour Foreman vaccine bottle container]

Getting a vaccine shouldn’t be a competition but Americans will only want to get it if it means someone else can’t. So, let’s meet our panel of judges who are all — get excited — famous governors. First, he is hated by every single person in California except those 10 people he had dinner with in Napa that one time, please welcome governor Gavin Newsom.

[cheers and applause]

Gavin Newsom: Hey, what can I say? I love dinner.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: That’s great. How are things going in California?

Gavin Newsom: Teeth – white. Bodies – tight. Covid – pretty bad.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Next, he is currently under fire for futzing with old dead people and also for the kind of sexual harassment allegations that make you go, “Yeah, I can see that”, it’s New York’s governor Andrew Cuomo.

[cheers and applause]

Andrew Cuomo: Yes. Yes. Hello. Nice bodies, some of you. I know, I know. I’m in the freaking dog house again. Remember when your favorite movie was my Powerpoints? Remember “Today is Tuesday”? When can we go back to that? I mean, come on.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. Our next judge narrowly escaped being kidnapped by a group of men whose fingerprints probably had Cheetos dust on them, please welcome the governor of Michigan, Gretchen Whitmer.

[cheers and applause]

Gretchen Whitmer: Hey there. It’s an honor to be here with my fellow governors. People yell at them about their policies and they yell at me “Get her!” But hey, that’s life! [takes a sip from her bottle of beer.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. Judges, all of our contestants desperately want the vaccine but an essential worker can differ in every state. So, in California, it’s–

Gavin Newsom: Police, hospital staff, neuropaths and psychics.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: And in Michigan, it’s–

Gretchen Whitmer: Fishers, truckers, trappers and drafters.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Right. And in New York, it is–

Andrew Cuomo: Tough guys, wise guys, rich guys and five guys.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Great. Tonight’s game and the vaccine is brought to you by CVS. Come fo the shot, leave with a lollipop from two Halloweens ago. Our first contestant is very nervous and excited to be here. Please welcome Jane F.

[cheers and applause]

Jane F.: Hello, I’m from Michigan. Go, Wolverines.

Gretchen Whitmer: Aw, well hi. Nice to see a fellow Michigander.

Jane F.: Oh, thanks. I actually voted for you.

Gretchen Whitmer: Oh, it’s nice.

Jane F.: I voted for you to get kidnapped. But still–

Gretchen Whitmer: It’s alright. Well, I’ll take it. Tell us why you’re here?

Jane F.: I think I deserve the vaccine because I’m an essential worker.

Gretchen Whitmer: That’s nice. What do you do?

Jane F.: I do IT for the Onlyfans website, so I am busy.

Gretchen Whitmer: Do you have any preexisting conditions?

Jane F.: Um, I have a really bad attitude. I’m allergic to dust. And I don’t know if this is anything but I have herpes.

Gretchen Whitmer: Oh, no, sweetheart, that doesn’t get to the vaccine.

Jane F.: What? Then why did I just say that on the TV?

[Jane F. leaves]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Oh, it’s too bad. A reminder, any contestant who’s not going home with a vaccine will take home one of our highly desirable consolation prizes like Pfizer visor. [A picture of a Pfizer sun cap appears on the screen.] It’s visor with the word Pfizer on it. And if you don’t get the vaccine, you might take home Maxine. [a cartoon woman appears on the screen]. The cranky middle aged woman from the Hallmark cards. Available at CVS. CVS, it stands for Chex Mix, Vodka and “So much plan B”. Now, our next contestant has asked me to tell you that she is very, very old, for real. She’s not even kidding. Please welcome Kendall Frye.

[Kendall Frye walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Kendall Frye: Hello. I’m old. I love hard candy and boy do I stand going to church.

Gretchen Whitmer: Hah! Something seems off about her.

Andrew Cuomo: Yeah. She just said stand.

Gavin Newsom: I think we got another pretend granny.

Kendall Frye: [pulls off her wig] Okay, fine. Listen, there’s a guy I’ve been talking to for 10 years and he just got out of a relationship and he’s in town tonight. Give me the vaccine.

Gavin Newsom: Okay. And, what are your risks?

Kendall Frye: My risk is that I may pop, sir.

Gretchen Whitmer: Sorry, sweetheart. You’re not eligible.

Kendall Frye: Wow, okay. On the second to last day of Black History Month, wow!

[Kendall Frye walks out]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Thanks again to our sponsor, CVS. We have the receipts — and they’re long. I don’t get that joke. I don’t mind saying it. I just don’t get it. Alright, our next contestant is expecting to have a baby.

[cheers and applause]

Melissa: Hi, I’m pregnant. Can I get the vaccine?

Andrew Cuomo: I don’t know. Can you?

Melissa: Sorry. May I get the vaccine?

Andrew Cuomo: No, that wasn’t a grammar thing. I was genuinely asking. We have no idea.

Melissa: You don’t know?

Gavin Newsom: Um, just give it to her?

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Um, unfortunately, we’re running a little low on Moderna, but we do have some trials for the Kirkland signature vaccine developed by Costco. [pulls out a huge syringe] It’s big enough for you and your little one that comes with a free pack of 24 hotdogs. Next, we have Ronald who’s a proud smoker from New Jersey.

[cheers and applause]

Ronald: Hi. I’m Ronald. [holding a burning cigarette in uncomfortable way] I’m from New Jersey. And I love cigarettes.

Andrew Cuomo: Are you just saying that because in New Jersey, they’re giving the vaccine to smokers?

Ronald: [squeaky voice] What? No. I love smoking. I love the squishy part, the burny part. It’s all my favorite. [coughing] Okay, this is terrible. I got to get some water.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay, give it up for that life long smoker. Our next contestant is– this doesn’t sound right, fresh off his appearance yesterday at CPAC. Oh god, it’s Ted Cruz.

[cheers and applause]

Ted Cruz: Yes, yes. Senator Ted Cruz performing talent of stand up comedy. Oh, it is great to be back in New York city. I’m sorry, my arms are tired because I just flew back Cancun, Mexico. But can you really blame a brother for want some sun? Oh-oh! Oh-oh! Here comes my catch phrase that I’ve spent all day yesterday screaming. Are you ready? Here we go now. [yelling] Freedom!

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Wow. It’s been quite a night and we’re down to our last contestant. Let’s bring him out.

[cheers and applause]

Seymour Foreman: Hello. My name is Seymour Foreman and I’m RonaldJane F. years young. I was an army doctor but now I’m just the world’s proudest granddad.

Gretchen Whitmer: Aww. Wow, you got it all.

Andrew Cuomo: You win.

Gavin Newsom: You get the vaccine.

Seymour Foreman: Oh, wonderful. So, do I get it here or back stage?

Andrew Cuomo: Oh, no. You can’t get it here. You gotta make an appointment online.

Seymour Foreman: On what? Oh no! How do I do that?

Gavin Newsom: Do you have a computer?

Seymour Foreman: For Spider Solitaire.

Gretchen Whitmer: Well, is there a young person who could help you?

Seymour Foreman: Perhaps the mailman?

Andrew Cuomo: Now, does he have three straight days to click refresh?

Seymour Foreman: I don’t think he does. He seems busy.

Gretchen Whitmer: Ah! So close. Better luck next time.

Andrew Cuomo: But if you do feel sick, make sure you leave the nursing home and get to the hospital. Wink!

Seymour Foreman: Oh no!

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Alright. That’s all the time we have. I’m just getting word, power went out at the CVS nearby. The vaccines are all going to expire. So, it’s first come first stab.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Dionne Warwick Talk Show Nick Jonas Dua Lipa

Dionne Warwick… Ego Nwodim

Britney… Punkie Johnson

The Weeknd… Kenan Thompson

Nick Jonas

Andrew Dismukes

Dua Lipa… Melissa Villaseñor

Machine Gun Kelly… Pete Davidson

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: She’s the very best. Gets it all off her chest. She’s multi-platinum and knows what’s happening. It’s the Dionne Warwick talk show.

[Cut to Dionne Warwick in her set]

Dionne Warwick: Hello. [cheers and applause] Welcome to the Dionne Warwick talk show. A show where I ask celebrities whatever I want to know. Thanks as alway to my producer and my niece, Britney.

Britney: Ay, glad to be here, aunt Dionne.

Dionne Warwick: And now, for today’s top new stories.

[music playing]

[singing] I know I’ll never love this way again
Hold on, hold on

Yeah. Thank you. Let’s bring out our first guest, the Weeknd.

[The Weeknd walks in]

Okay, what is your whole situation?

The Weeknd: Hi, I’m a performer. Maybe you saw me at the Super Bowl.

Dionne Warwick: Yes. You gave me vertigo. Now, Mr. Weeknd, you are addicted to plastic surgery, correct?

The Weeknd: Um, no.

Dionne Warwick: When you say, “I can’t feel my face”, is that coz it’s fake now?

The Weeknd: Oh, no. The plastic surgery wasn’t real.

Dionne Warwick: Okay now, here’s a question. Why are you from Canada?

The Weeknd: I don’t understand.

Dionne Warwick: Okay. Okay. Alright. Thank you for participating. Wonderful. Goodbye. Take care. Yeah. [The Weeknd walks away] Alright. Fantastic. Well, my next guest is the reason all my assistants got blow outs today. Please welcome Nick Jonas.

[Nick Jonas walks in]

Nick Jonas: Thank you so much for having me.

Dionne Warwick: Yeah. Explain yourself.

Nick Jonas: I’m Nick Jonas. I’m a coach on Voice.

Dionne Warwick: Yeah. I have heard that you are the most boring coach even though one of the other coaches is John Legend. How is that possible?

Nick Jonas: I don’t know.

Dionne Warwick: Now, you have a song “What a man gotta do”. What’s that about? Going down town? He’s got to do it.

Nick Jonas: I can’t argue with you there.

Dionne Warwick: Now, what is ‘cake by the ocean’? Who the hell wants to eat a sandy cake?

Nick Jonas: Well, that’s my brother’s song. But some people say it’s euphemism for sex on the beach.

Dionne Warwick: Okay. Well, now I like your ass. Alright.

Nick Jonas: Again, not my bag.

Dionne Warwick: Alright, now, do you and your brothers ever fight?

Nick Jonas: Sometimes.

Dionne Warwick: Could you fight Windy Williams for me?

Nick Jonas: I don’t think so.

Dionne Warwick: Okay. Last question. [showing Priyanka Chopra’s photo] Your wife looks like this. Now, show us your penis.

Nick Jonas: I’m not gonna do that.

Dionne Warwick: Alright. Well, thank you for being here. [Nick Jonas walks out] Now, Britney, I was nominated for the Rock N’ Roll Hall of Fame. And I need enough votes to get in. Am I beating the Goo Goos?

Britney: Oh, not yet, aunt Dionne.

Dionne Warwick: What about Foo Fighters?

Britney: Nope. No, aunt Dionne.

Dionne Warwick: What about Kate Buzz?

Britney: You kicking her butt, aunt Dionne.

Dionne Warwick: Okay, good. I don’t have to win but I cannot lost. Okay, now for our animal segment.

[music playing]

[Dionne Warwick walks towards Andrew. He is standing with a white parrot]

Andrew: Hi, Ms. Warwick. Today we’re going to–

Dionne Warwick: [singing and dancing] Keep smiling, keep shining
knowing you can always come for me
for sure, that’s what friends are for

Thank you.

[Dionne Warwick walks back to her seat]

Yeah. Alright. Let’s bring out our next guest, Dua Lipa.

[Dua Lipa walks in]

Dua Lipa, now, why would you make your name nasty? That Spanish for ‘two lips’. You are hussie in disguise.

Dua Lipa: That’s just my real name. Maybe you know me from my songs.

[singing] I got no rules–

Dionne Warwick: Okay. So, here’s a question. Lil’ Yachty. A yacht is supposed to be big. If you’re a little yacht, you are simply a boat.

Dua Lipa: Don’t know the answer to that.

Dionne Warwick: Now, Windy Williams once called you Dula Pip. My last question is, should we egg her house?

Dua Lipa: Sure.

Dionne Warwick: Okay, then. We gonna take my car, baby. [passing the car keys to Dua Lipa] Alright. Thank you for coming. [Dua Lipa walks out] Alright. Our next guest, I talked to him back stage and I am okay with this.

Britney: But auntie, you weren’t good with it the last time.

Dionne Warwick: No. No, no, no. Now, I’m alright. I understand he is a very nice fan. Let’s welcome Machine Gun Kelly.

[Machine Gun Kelly walks in]

Machine Gun Kelly: Hey!

Dionne Warwick: Na-na-na. Get hm out of here. He is too scary.

Britney: You said you were okay with it this time.

Dionne Warwick: Baby, I change my mind. He has got to go.

Machine Gun Kelly: Alright. Peace. Late. [walks out]

Dionne Warwick: Much better. Audience, okay. We’re at the best part of the show. Go ahead and look under your seats. Everybody gets a–

[music playing]

[singing] The moment I wake up

[The audience look under their seats]

Audience: It’s ticket to the Dionne Warwick talk show.

Dionne Warwick: That’s right. See you tomorrow.