Tag: Michael Che

Weekend Update- Biden’s Climate Plan Dropped from Bill

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden and Joe Manchin at left top corner.]

The Biden Administration’s climate plan is likely to be dropped from the budget bill after senator Joe Manchin refused to support it. But you know what? I’m not going to let some bad climate news ruin this beautiful 80 degree October day. Manchin who is from West Virginia said he would only agree to Biden’s bill if it cuts clean energy and officially makes coal one of the five food groups.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new report shows that president Biden is on average 22 minutes late for public events. Worse, he only does it to appeal black voters.

[Picture changes to Kyrie Irving]

The Brooklyn Nets have benched star player Kyrie Irving from the team until he’s finally vaccinated and as a New York sports fan, I hope this decision finally forces Kyrie to do the right thing and buy a fake vaccination card.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of world map at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Logistical delays caused by worker shortages and covid outrages have doubled the time it takes for some products to get from Asia to the US. Now, this might sound crazy, but could we use bats? Because last time bats carried something, it got everywhere real quick. Pro-bat crowd?

[Picture changes to Pete Buttigieg]

Transportation secretary Pete Buttigieg is criticized for remaining on paternity leave with his husband and twin babies while supply chain problems threatened the holiday shopping season. Said conservatives, “See, you let gay couples have kids and god cancels Christmas.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of coronavirus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new study shows that coronavirus can cause infertility in men. See, so it’s not all bad.

[Picture changes to a woman carrying American flag.]

At a republican rally in Virginia, attendees resided the national anthem to a flag allegedly used during the Capitol riots. You could tell the flag was from the riots because it was soaked in pepper spray and mountain dew code reck.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jon Gruden at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Raider’s head coach Jon Gruden resigned after the discovery of homophobic, misogynist and racist emails he sent and clearly the emails are indefensible but does anyone want to be judged by their old emails? I mean, if you could see half the emails Che sends me. Actually, I’ll show you one. The subject line is “LISTEN UP HONKY”. And then the body of the email just says “I wish they got you instead of Harambe.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Colin Kaepernick at right top corner.]

Michael Che: So, you did get that one. Colin Kaepernick revealed that he has maintained his 5 AM training regimen in case he gets called back up to the NFL. But the Giants are still going to stick with their current quarterback, a scarecrow on a rumba.

Weekend Update- A Proud Gay Oompa Loompa on Timothée Chalamet

Colin Jost

Oompa Loompa… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A photo of Timothee Chalamet as Willy Wonka in an upcoming prequel of “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” went viral this week with many on social media calling him a Twink Willy Wonka. Here to comment on this is a proud gay Oompa Loompa.

[Oompa Loompa slides in]

Oompa Loompa: Hi. I’m sorry. Hi, Colin. How did you just introduce me?

Colin Jost: As a proud gay Oompa Loompa.

Oompa Loompa: Oh my god.

Colin Jost: Oh my god. Sorry. Is that not correct?

Oompa Loompa: No, it’s correct. You just, um, outed me on national television. But no, it’s fine. Don’t feel bad. I actually came here to make a statement about our pending factory strike. But now, I guess I gotta… call my parents.

Colin Jost: No.

Oompa Loompa: But it’s okay. It’s okay. All good. Just so I can plan, when does this air?

Colin Jost: It’s live.

Oompa Loompa: It’s live? Okay, well, I should probably read my little paper. Well, the recent coverage of an attractive young Wonka is scrump-diddly-umptious. What’s not so scrump-diddly-umptious are the unsafe working conditions in this factory– Oh, boy.  [gets upset]

Colin Jost: Are you okay?

Oompa Loompa: I just don’t want my family to find out like this.

Colin Jost: You think they’ll be upset?

Oompa Loompa: They live in Loompa land. It’s not as progressive as here. They’re like just got “Will & Grace”. So yeah, it’s gonna be a conversation.

Colin Jost: Well, we can stop if you want.

Oompa Loompa: No, I got it. I got it. This Twink Wonka or Twonka may look as yummy as lick-able wallpaper but make no mistake, he– Okay, actually, you know what, Colin? You did me a huge favor because now I can be honest about everything. Okay, point blank, a man doesn’t know how to make a chocolate. Okay? He doesn’t. He’s an ideas man who has never touched a machine. He just tumbles into the inventing room and says something like, “Oh, what about a gum drop that makes children dream silly dreams?” And it’s like, “Yeah, bitch, what about it?” Meanwhile, we’re up all night rehearsing the little song and dance we do when a child dies. The whole thing is sick.

Colin Jost: Then I guess you’re not too excited about this new Wonka.

Oompa Loompa: Sorry, I’m just curious. Do I just give off a gay vibe? What about this makes me seem gay to you?

Colin Jost: It’s just… there’s a lot of product in your hair. I don’t know.

Oompa Loompa: Okay. And you just stepped out of the shower like that with your’s? Pot head. Okay, well, I’m being a bitch. But honestly, it does feel nice to be out and I don’t know, maybe, now that I’m out of the closet, maybe you can come out too, Colin.

Colin Jost: No, no, no, I’m not gay.

Oompa Loompa: I’m sorry, boys, I tried.

Colin Jost: A proud gay Oompa Loompa, everyone.

Oompa Loompa: I’m in the union.

Weekend Update Terry Finks Fall 2021 Movie Review

Colin Jost

Terry Fink… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, it’s officially fall which means, you guessed it, movies, movies and more movies. Here to give his picks of the season is our very own film critic, Terry Fink.

Terry Fink: Hey! Hi there. Mr. Jost, an honor and a privilege.

Colin Jost: Welcome back, Terry. Now, you’ve seen every single film out there this year already. How is it even possible to see everything?

Terry Fink: Sure, it’s possible, Colin. In fact, I’ve found I can watch up to nine movies at once, thanks to a little friend I call LSD.

Colin Jost: Wait. You’re taking LSD?

Terry Fink: Just micro-dosing. It’s all the rage. A little bit of LSD helps me LS-see all these terrific films. First up, “James Bond: No Time To Die”. Well, shake up those martinis because Bond is back with a license to thrill audiences. Daniel Craig wows as the titular Brit, until the third act when he bizarrely transforms into a 50 foot tall Catholic nun whipping me with my father’s belt. That said, it’s a best movie I’ve ever seen. Colin?

Colin Jost: Yes, I don’t know, Terry. It sounds like you might be more than micro-dosing.

Terry Fink: Ha-ha-ha. Says the guy with no mouth. Relax, narc. Next up, the recent “Paw Patrol: The Movie”. Quick, someone call 9-fun-fun because this hellish film is a skin melting nightmare. A mostly confusing blur of colors, shrieks and vibrating plaid, this ‘pawdorable’ ode of fascism begs the question “Will I ever stop falling through this bottomless void?” Director Charles Manson will have you standing in the isles, sweating buckets and screaming a cab until the theater is quietly evacuated. I hated it. I loved it. I feared it. And I accepted it as my one true god. I give “Paw Patrol” 10 tini-tiny Terries. Jamal?

Colin Jost: It’s Colin. Terry, I think you need to maybe ease up on the LSD.

Terry Fink: Yeah. [looking around at the air] Sure. Says the guy whizzing around the studio like a humming bird. I’m gonna get you, Colin. [Tries to catch something out of air] Got ya!

Colin Jost: [poking Terry Fink]  I’m over here.

Terry Fink: Oh my god! Don’t do that.

Colin Jost: You okay man?

Terry Fink: Next up, it’s breezy slice of life Rom-Com, “Venom 2: Let There Be Carnage”. I’m gonna be honest, I was a little high for this one. But I got the gist. Meryl Streep is flat out awful as Venom, himself, but its new comer Jeff Bush who thrills and chills as the Time Square Elsa shoving me through the window of M&M store. I loved it so much, I ran 19 blocks in two minutes. I give it 22 toothless Terries. Satan?

Colin Jost: Oh, no. Terry Fink, everyone.

Terry Fink: I don’t trust a vaccine.

Weekend Update Life Coach Kelly Party on Positive Thinking

Michael Che

Kelly Party… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: During the pandemic thousands of adults in the US have been dealing with mental health issues. Here to talk about the power of positive thinking is life coach Kelly Party.

[Kelly Party slides in dancing. The song I love it by Icona Pop is playing.]

Kelly Party: Yeah, SNL! “I don’t care, I love it!” That song is my bible.

Michael Che: Okay. Well, how are you doing, Kelly Party? So, what qualifies you to be a life coach?

Kelly Party: Well, I have a PhD in believing your dreams from Myself college. I’m here to change your life, Michael Che. So, have you met your goal?

Michael Che: What goal?

Kelly Party: The goal I decided you need to meet, Michael. Your mission is to dominate Update. I want you to take all the jokes so Colin Jost has none.

Michael Che: I don’t think I can do that, Kelly Party.

Kelly Party: Okay. So, you suck. Right off the bat, you’re blowing it. You know what I say to that?

Michael Che: What?

[Kelly Party signals to the sound team. The song I love it by Icona Pop starts playing.]

Kelly Party: I love it. That’s right. I don’t care. Michael Che sucks tonight and I love it.

Michael Che: Okay wait, Kelly Party, that doesn’t really help me because I do care and I don’t love that.

Kelly Party: Oh, you know my favorite thing about you, Michael? It’s your name. Michael Che. Re-arrange the letters, what does it spell?

Michael Che: I don’t know.

Kelly Party: It spells good, good, good, good guy.

Michael Che: There’s no ‘G’ in my name.

Kelly Party: Hey wardrobe! Wardrobe! Could we get this guy a handkerchief? Because he’s sweating the small stuff. Lorne, play my song.

[The song I love it by Icona Pop starts playing.]

I love it. Michael Che can’t spell. And you know what? I actually love it. I actually love it.

Michael Che: Listen. Kelly Party, you’re a life coach, right? You have to give me a technique that isn’t just a pop song.

Kelly Party: Okay. You want the Master Class, Michael. You want positivity? You want peace? Okay, I’m all about peace. Okay. And what did I say my favorite thing about you was?

Michael Che: I’m a good guy.

Kelly Party: A goo guy. [raises her index and pinky fingers] My Spider-man. You could save the world, Michael. Okay, let’s Spider-man, because get this, okay? What if Spider-man shot peace out of his webs instead of webs? If Spider-man shot peace out of his webs instead of webs, then we would have no bad guys. Spider-man would just shoot peace out of his webs instead of webs then we would have peace, guys. Then we wouldn’t have bad guys anymore, then we would have peace. You know what? I don’t know. Michael Che sucks. Play my song.

[The song I love it by Icona Pop starts playing.]

Michael Che: No, wait! Stop the music! Stop playing the– Kelly!

Kelly Party: What?

Michael Che: There’s no way I’m going to pay you hundreds of dollars–

Kelly Party: Thousands, Michael.

Michael Che: You charge thousands of dollars for this?

Kelly Party: Yes, I don’t care. I love it.

Michael Che: Honestly, I respect it. Lorn, play that sone again. [The song I love it by Icona Pop starts playing.] Kelly Party, everybody! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update LEGOs Titanic Set and YouTube Removes R Kellys Channels

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Harry Styles at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Harry Styles revealed that his 2019 song “Watermelon Sugar” is about the female orgasm. He also revealed the full title of the song is “Watermelon Sugar (is a myth)”.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of marijuana leaves at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Clint Eastwood was awarded $6 million in a lawsuit against a company that illegally used his image to sell their cannabis products, because nothing says ‘relaxed and stress free’ like Clint Eastwood’s face.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a statue of George Floyd at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A statue of George Floyd on display in New York city park was defaced for the second time. Police are searching for the suspect and are planning to serve him with a job application.

[Cut to Colin Jost. Theres a picture of Florida map at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Florida police discovered a meth lab on the 15th floor of a luxury condo building which in Florida is something they list in the brochure. [Picture changes to a brochure of a building that features a pool, a gym and a meth lab.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of caduceus symbol at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Doctors are saying that a man who came in to an emergency room complaining about chest pain had a 10 cm chunk of cement lodged in his heart. Anyways, he’s dead.

[Picture changes to a map of Germany]

A 96 year old German woman who was a secretary at a Nazi concentration camp has been released from detention. She’s now safely in a custody of her grandson. [Picture changes to Colin Jost]

[Cut to Colin Jost laughing. There’s a picture of toy box at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And grandma, if you’re watching, go to bed. LEGO has announced the release of its largest set ever, a 9,000 piece replica of the Titanic. Unfortunately, hundreds of those pieces are just frozen Irishmen.

Weekend Update Instagrams Blackout and Fox News Turns 25

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Mark Zuckerberg at left top corner.]

Well, this week we found out that sometimes a guy in a hoodie actually can be dangerous. Internal documents show that Facebook knew its platform was used to spread hate and information but they hid the evidence. Now, the weird thing is I went to school with Mark Zuckerberg and I was there when he created Facebook. And I feel terrible. I mean sometimes I wish I had a time machine so I could go back to college and find Mark and say, “Hey man, can I be part of your company?”

Facebook is also denying a report that says using Instagram can cause users to develop a negative body image, which explains their rival’s new slogan “TikTok, bring your fat ass over here”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Instagram logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week Instagram was down for an entire day, forced many Instagram addicts to fill their time with Twitter, TikTok or hosting SNL. [Picture changes to Kim Kardashian hosting SNL monologue]

Fox News turned 25 this week and they celebrated their birthday the same way I do. By paying white women to say some nasty stuff.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell smiling with his thumbs up at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell seen here watching a child fall into the gorilla enclosure, McConnell has agreed to a deal to temporarily raise the debt ceiling through early December. And then at that point, it’ll be almost Christmas and McConnell will be busy going around Toys for Tots bins and gluing them shut.

[Picture changes to Joe Biden]

Yesterday, president Biden issued a historic proclamation for indigenous people’s day. Biden made the announcement just moments after his staff talked him out of wearing the headrest. Indigenous peoples’ day by the way will be observed simultaneously with Columbus day. [listening to his headset] And this just in, Columbus day has forced Indigenous Peoples’ day to move to a worse day.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of New York map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: [laughing] It was reported that ahead of the deadline for all New York city schools’ employees to get vaccinated, more than 18,000 employees got at least one shot last week. And hopefully some of them got the vaccine too.

[Picture changes to R. Kelly]

In the wake of R. Kelly’s sex trafficking conviction, YouTube has removed two channels linked with the singer. One for his singing and the other about how to remove stains.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Bill Cosby and R. Kelly at left top corner.]

It’s been a pleasure working here.

Colin Jost: [laughing] Bill Cosby said he thinks R. Kelly “Got railroaded” following the singer’s sex trafficking conviction. Cosby made the comments in the latest issue of “Not Helping” magazine.

Weekend Update Pete Davidson on the Met Gala

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: Last month MET Gala, a fund raising event at the Metropolitan Museum of Art where celebrities typically wear outrageous costumes was criticized by some as elitist. For more on this is someone who went to the Gala, Pete Davidson.

[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Yeah. Hello. Thank you. Thank you, Colin. So, Colin, how did you enjoy the MET?

Colin Jost: Oh, I actually didn’t go this year.

Pete Davidson: Really? So, wait! This isn’t you? [There’s a picture of someone wearing a full head mask on with sharp nails mohawk and a suit.] Who was I talking to all night?

Colin Jost: Did you have fun at the Gala?

Pete Davidson: Oh, it was amazing. [laughing] No, it was amazing. I got to go to the coolest even of the year and I can now say I’ve been in a museum.

Colin Jost: I did see some people were commenting on your outfit.

Pete Davidson: Yeah, I don’t know why. [there’s a picture of Pete Davidson on his MET Gala outfit.] That’s a cool dress. I look like James Bond at Quinceanera. I look like one of the three blind mice sold fentanyl. [cheers and applause] Thank you. Oh, don’t do that. No. But the truth is I already wear a dress or paint my nails sometimes, just because I like making my uncles uncomfortable.

Colin Jost: Yeah. What do they think of the outfit?

Pete Davidson: Well, my uncle Steve saw it. He was like, “Hey, I don’t get it. But whatever makes you happy. Alright? You’re still walking in my house. I’ll just put the seat down when you’re over.”

Colin Jost: So, he’s afraid that people will think you’re gay?

Pete Davidson: Yes. Just because I wore a dress. Meanwhile, here’s him at my age.

[There’s a picture of a guy who has a long curly hair and is wearing boxers and sleeveless shirt.]

That’s my uncle who’s worried I looked gay. Meanwhile, he grew up in the 80s which somehow the gayest and the most homophobic generation of all time. All the songs were about the boys and how they’re back in town. Also, his favorite movie is Top Gun. That’s as close to a movie about men being in love with each other as the 80s allowed. It’s like Brokeback in the sky. I just don’t get where guys his age are coming from. I mean, have you ever asked a man in his 40s or over 50 what they did for fun growing up? They’ll say, “Oh, we waited for our friends to pass out. Then we’d all take pictures of our balls in his face.” You know. “The men were men!”

Colin Jost: So, wait. Was your uncle actually upset?

Pete Davidson: Yeah, he was upset. But it doesn’t take much. He was just mad that Chris Pratt isn’t Italian but he’s playing Super Mario. I say why all anger at this Chris Pratt though? He’s a sweetheart. He’s a lovely guy. I mean what? You just make one bad movie and then people hate you? is that true, Colin? Did people hate you after Tom & Jerry? [laughter] No, I’m kidding. I’m kidding. It was actually the perfect pandemic movie because it made sure there’d be no large gatherings at movie theaters.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, Pete Davidson–

Pete Davidson: Wait, I’m not done. Bring up my dress again. I got one more. [Picture of Pete Davidson at MET Gala appears] I look like Tilda Swinton on Casual Friday.

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone!

Pete Davidson: I can’t believe I’m back.

Weekend Update Pays Tribute to Norm Macdonald

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a chimpanzee at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Researchers in Uganda have observed a chimpanzee masturbating with a plastic bottle. Once full, the bottle was capped and sold as Dasani. [Picture changes to Dasani]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Eminem at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: During the opening day of Eminem’s new Detroit restaurant, the rapper surprised guests by serving them pasta himself. Not to be outdone, [picture changes to Macklemore wearing Olive Garden staff dress serving tea] Macklemore got fired from the Olive Garden.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Barack Obama at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Barack Obama has been criticized by Chicago residents who claim that his new presidential library will lead to gentrification. For me, it’s another painful reminder that Obama is half white.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Onlyfans logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A Colorado woman who posts on Onlyfans said that praying before sex with her husband allows her to experience a threesome with god. A threesome that doesn’t end until thy kingdom comes.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Well guys, it is a bitter sweet night for us tonight.

Michael Che: Yes. On September 14th, our friend Norm Macdonald passed away.

Colin Jost: Right. Norm is the reason that I ever wanted to do Weekend Update and so tonight, we thought we turn the last few jokes of Update over to Norm.

[Cut to old videos of Norm Macdonald]

Norm Macdonald: Thanks. I’m Norm Macdonald and this is the Fake News. At the White House this week, president Clinton officially came out against same sex marriages. What’s more? The president said he is not too crazy about opposite sex marriages either.

A new airport plan for San Diego would actually be located three miles out in the pacific ocean. Built on 40xMichael Che0 ft. floating cylinders. It’s all part of a plan by city officials to have a huge disaster.

A French man who calls himself the Snake Man was arrested this week after climbing up the side of a Manhattan high rise. Yes, he climbed right up the side of a high rise… just like a snake.

In a brilliant move during closing argument Simpson attorney Johnnie Cochran put on a knit cap prosecutor saying O.J. wore the night he committed the murders. Although O.J. may have heard his case when he suddenly blurted out, “Hey, easy with that. That’s my lucky stabbing hat.”

And that’s the way it is, folks. Goodnight and good luck.

Weekend Update NBA Vaccinations Disney World Turns 50

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of NBA logo and coronavirus vaccine with headline ‘Unvaccinated players not paid for missing games’ at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The NBA announced that unvaccinated players will not be paid for any games missed due to local vaccine mandates. But that won’t matter. NBA players have a long proud history of losing money because they refuse to use protection.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Caduceus at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: [laughing] Glad I didn’t tell that joke. A new study finds that young adults with depression have a higher risk of dementia later in life. Which explains Billy Eilish’s upcoming album, “Where am I?”

[Picture changes to a bucket of paint and a brush]

Purdue University researchers have created the whitest paint on record. The paint is so white, I am his favorite part of SNL.

[audience laughing]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of eggs at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A group of online SLUS are trying to track down individual who has been pelting Chicago residents with raw eggs. So, good news, Chicago may finally be running out of bullets.

[Picture changes to Walt Disney World castle]

This year marks the fifth year anniversary of Disney World. To celebrate turning 50, Disney has opened a new ride ‘Mr. Goofy’s Wild Colonoscopy’.

Weekend Update Democrats Delay Infrastructure Vote R Kelly Found Guilty

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a calendar on October Michael Che0Michael Che0 page at left top corner.]

Very nice to be back with you. First show last season, covid was raging everywhere. There was no vaccine. We were in the middle of intense election. Just before we went on the air, the producers were like, “Hey, real quick. The president might be dying. Anyway, have fun out there.” It was exciting time for the show. Big story this year… Infrastructure. I guess that’s an improvement on survival of the human race level, but it’s not great for TV. So, we can all just pretend to be excited about this next joke. I’d really appreciate it.

[The picture changes to Capitol building]

The Infrastructure bill has been delayed indefinitely. So, I guess we’ll just cross that bridge when it collapses on top of us.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Biden met with house of democrats yesterday to make a case for his build back better budget plan. No matter what you think of Biden’s plan, you got to admire the confidence of a guy with a stutter naming something the Build Back Better budget plan.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden getting a vaccine at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Biden also got his covid booster shot at the White House live on camera and based on this photo, it either really hurt… or felt really good.

[Picture changes to logo o Pfizer]

Pfizer has also submitted data to the FDA to approve it’s covid vaccine for kids under 11, which means they could be vaccinated by Halloween. Because what goes better with Halloween than needles? [Picture changes to a chocolate bar having needles inside it.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of MERCK capsules at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Pharmaceutical company MERCK announced that it has developed an experimental antiviral pill that can treat people infected with covid. The treatment is just waiting for approval from either FDA or The Joe Rogan Experience.

[Picture changes to R. Kelly]

Singer R. Kelly was found guilty of racketeering and sex trafficking this week but won’t be sentenced until next May. After R. Kelly’s lawyers successfully negotiated, one more school year. In the wake of the R. Kelly verdict, there’s a growing movement online to music streaming services to remove his music. I mean after all, streaming is basically what got him in trouble in the first place.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a cross and a vaccine.]

Welcome back, Colin.

Colin Jost: It’s hard to transition out of that. Well, some catholics– [audience laughing] Some catholics around the country are claiming religious exemption to the covid vaccine. Because there’s nothing more catholic than letting someone else die for your sins.