Late Night Battle | Season 44 Episode 2

Dance Crew (Mikey Day, Ego Nwodim, Chris Redd, Kate McKinnon)

Rival group (Awkwafina, Leslie Jones, Kenan Thompson)

[Starting at the street at night]

Ego Nwodim: Yo, where the hell are they?

Mikey Day: Looks like Tiny Bigs and her crew are just a bunch of no shows.

Chris Redd: Yeah man, let’s dip. Yeah.

Tiny: [Cut to Tiny on nerdy outfit coming to challenge them with her two friends]Wait, wait, wait. Hold up, hold up. You guys already scurred?

Leslie: They better be. We the Tiny Big crews after all.

Fontein Jackson: And we came to slay.

Tiny: Yeah, they’re going to die tonight.

Chris Redd: Yo, why don’t you say that to my face?

Tiny: [Cut to Tiny, Fontein Jackson and Leslie] I just did dumb ass, your face was there.

Mikey Day: [Cut to Mikey Day and Chris Redd] Yo, Baby Teeth, tell him the rules.

Tiny: [Cut to Tiny, Fontein Jackson and Leslie] What kind of name is baby teeth, dude?

Baby Teeth: [Cut to Baby Teeth and Ego Nwodim] I got one baby tooth and it ain’t going nowhere.

Tiny: [Cut to Tiny, Fontein Jackson and Leslie] Respect, respect.

Baby Teeth: [Cut to Baby Teeth, Ego Nwodim, Mikey Day and Chris Redd] You know the rules, typical dance battle. We dance, you dance. We win, you go home crying.

Fontein Jackson: [Cut to Tiny, Fontein Jackson and Leslie, Fontein Jackson flipping his knife] You sure about that?

Tiny: Hey, hey, hey, put that away, Fontein Jackson. We don’t need knives. We’ll slice them up with our dance moves.

Mikey Day: [Cut to Mikey Day and Chris Redd] You wish. Let’s get it.

[Chris Redd starts music on a boombox player and starts the dance battle, ends the dance with a Fortnite move and a dab]

Tiny: [Cut to Tiny, Fontein Jackson and Leslie] Okay, so at that level. All right. Prepare to be served.

Leslie: Yeah, get ready for this three-course meal.

Fontein Jackson: Yeah, complete with Amuse-bouche!

Tiny: Let’s get that ahead.

[Fontein Jackson starts their boombox music player playing old music and dance funnily, ending with a dab]

Chris Redd: Did ya’ll just bust moves to ‘the price is right’ thing?

Tiny: [Cut to Tiny, Fontein Jackson and Leslie] Yeah, hell yeah we did.

Fontein Jackson: Yeah, because we winners.

Leslie: Like on the game show.

Tiny: Jealous?

Baby Teeth: [Cut to Baby Teeth, Ego Nwodim, Mikey Day and Chris Redd] I mean it made sense to me, but I’m stupid.

Mikey Day: Trying to confuse us, throw us off our game.

Ego Nwodim: Yeah, Tiny Bigs is notorious for that.

Mikey Day: Yeah, yeah, yeah. We jut got to bring it. Yo, come on. Some freestyle.

[Chris Redd plays the music and carries on the dance battle] [Cut to Tiny, Fontein Jackson and Leslie]

Fontein Jackson: You see that Tiny?

Tiny: I did Fontein Jackson. That was what you call some weak sauce.

Fontein Jackson: Yeah, like a watery ass marinara.

Leslie: Or even alfredo.

Tiny: Let’s show them how to thicken it up. Choke on this!

[Fontein Jackson starts their boombox music player playing old music and dance funnily] [Cut to Baby Teeth, Ego Nwodim, Mikey Day and Chris Redd]

Ego Nwodim: Was that a wrong answer side effect at the end?

Chris Redd: It sure was, and it only punctuated how next level they are.

Baby Teeth: Guys they’re raising the bar. We got to be twice as good.

Tiny: [Cut to Tiny, Fontein Jackson and Leslie] Good luck with that because we brought a secret weapon.

Fontein Jackson: Yeah. Little Bang Bang! Get down here.

[Cut to Baby Teeth, Ego Nwodim, Mikey Day and Chris Redd, confused]

Chris Redd: Wait, Little Bang Bang?

Baby Teeth: He was a backup dancer on the 2014 Mariah Carey tour.

Little Bang Bang: Yeah! [Cut to Travis Scott as Little Bang Bang joins the team] All right. It’s time to end this. But first, I want to be clear with you all. You all corny.

[Cut to Baby Teeth, Ego Nwodim, Mikey Day and Chris Redd, confused]

Chris Redd: Corny?

Ego Nwodim: What?

Mikey Day: Band Bang Yo!

Baby Teeth: You don’t stand a chance.

[Cut to Tiny, Little Bang Bang, Fontein Jackson, and Leslie]

Little Bang Bang: Hit it.

[Fontein Jackson plays baby music that Little Bang Bang dances to]

Leslie: How are you all going to respond to that?

[Cut to Baby Teeth, Ego Nwodim, Mikey Day and Chris Redd, confused]

Mikey Day: Yo, how can we?

Tiny: Looks like we won. Boom! Boom!

Chris Redd: Yeah, yeah. That’s undeniable.

Fontein Jackson: You know what? Why don’t we all just kick it together?

Weekend Update: Eric and Donald Trump Jr. on the Mid-Term Elections | Season 44 Episode 2

Host…..Colin Jost

Eric.….Alex Moffat

Donald Trump Jr…….Mikey Day

[Starting the news with Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Now, with midterm elections a little over a month away, many Republicans are turning to the Trump name to help bolster their campaigns. Here to comment are first sons Eric and Donald Trump Jr.

[Camera slides to Eric and Donald Trump Jr.]

Donald Trump Jr.: Thank you, Colin. It’s good to be back here at SNL, Saturday Night Liberals. Haha… [Eric leans towards Colin laughing] Okay, that’s

Colin Jost: How were your summers, guys?

Donald Trump Jr.: Ooh, busy. For me it was running the Trump Organization, breaking ground on a new Trump Property–

Eric: And I had swim lessons.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. Someone got his ducky badge.

[Cut to Eric showing his ducky badge under his jacket collar]

Yeah, baby. Yeah.

[Cut to Eric and Donald Trump Jr., Eric very proud]

No longer a tadpole bud. But midterms– midterms are next month, and that’s why my father has called for all Trump hands on deck. He asked me to stump for Republicans on the campaign drill.

Eric: And he asked me not to do that.

[Mimicking President Donal Trump] “Stay home, Eric.”

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah, that’s right bud. You get to stay home and watch all the action on TV. Right? Fist bump, blow it up. Boom.

Eric: Ah! [Scared]

Donald Trump Jr.: Oh. It’s not a real explosion, just made a noise with my mouth. All right buddy? [Eric looks at Donald’s hand in a distrustful manner] It’s not magic in any way. It’s just a fist bud. Look, my father’s confident that supposed blue wave isn’t making landfall anytime soon, which I’m sure makes everyone sad here at SNL, Saturday Night Liberals– I’m sorry I’m teasing. [Cut to Eric, Donald, and Colin] I had to do it again. What do you do? Hey, we’re on fire. Maybe we should take over for Jost and Che buddy. I got some jokes I can tell.

Eric: Me too. What do the gay black jews–

Donald Trump Jr.: No, don’t tell them. No! You can’t tell that joke.

Eric: But dad does.

Donald Trump Jr.: No, he does not. No, he does not.

Eric: Yeah. He does. And he does all the voices.

Donald Trump Jr.: Respectfully. He does a very respectful gay voice.

Colin: [Cut to Colin, Eric, and Donald] I’m sure, yes. Now this week, the New York Times reported that President Trump set up Sham Corporations to disguise millions in gifts from his father to avoid taxes.

Donald Trump Jr.: Look, okay, yes. [Cut to Eric and Donald] Our grandfather gave our father gifts over the years, but it wasn’t to avoid taxes. It was to–

Eric: Evade taxes.

Donald Trump Jr.: No Eric. You want to play with your puppet? Got him a puppet. Here you go bud.

Colin: Oh, that’s great.

Donald Trump Jr.: Play with that. Collin, when the left is backed into a corner– don’t just stare at it. Don’t know how a puppet works? Look! Look, put your hand in here, right? Then you can make the mouth move. Look, [speaking as the puppet] “Hello Eric, I’m King funny face.”

Eric: Damn, he knows my name.

Donald Trump Jr.: [speaking as the puppet] Yes. Everyone knows Eric’s name. He’s such a good boy.

Eric: Where do you live?

Donald Trump Jr.: [speaking as the puppet] Oh, I live in a castle.

Eric: I live in a tower.

Donald Trump Jr.: [speaking as the puppet] Oh.

Eric: King, can I ask you a question?

Donald Trump Jr.: [speaking as the puppet] Um-hmm.

Eric: What did the gay black jew–

Donald Trump Jr.: No, okay. We’re done. Thank you, pal.

Colin: [Cut to Colin, Eric, and Donald] Eric and Donald Trump Jr. everyone. Thank you so much.

Pumpkin Patch: Season 44 Episode 2

The boss…..Mikey Day

Todd…..Beck Bennett

Nathan…..Kyle Mooney

…..Awkwafina

[A woman is buying pumpkin for Halloween in the pumpkin shop.]

The boss: Super easy to carve. They should have a blast. All right, bye Sarah. Say hi to Josh. [Todd, Nathan, and Awkwafina are fooling around and having fun talking about something they like. The boss finds it hard to confront to them, but he decides that he should.]

The boss: Hey, team? [Cut to three staffs at the left and the boss at the right talking to them] Can I talk to you for a sec?

Todd: Yes sir.

The boss: [Cut to the boss speaking] This morning, I found some of our jumbo pumpkins in the dumpster. [Cut to three staffs acting like they don’t know what the boss is talking about] Some of the pumpkins [Cut to the boss speaking] had holes cut in them [Cut to Nathan listening to the boss][Cut to Todd listening to the boss] and others were completely destroyed. [Cut to the boss speaking][Cut to three staffs acting like they don’t know what the boss is talking about] So I cannot believe I have to ask you this, [Cut to the boss] but did you perform a lewd act with some of our pumpkins last night?

All three staffs: [Cut to three staffs acting like they don’t know what the boss is talking about] No sir.

The boss: [Cut to the boss speaking] All right, well Louis, the grounds keeper saw you, and he told me what you did.

Nathan: [Cut to Nathan] Right, yes. And that’s because we did do what you said, sir.

Todd: [Cut to Todd] Enough lies, we did do that sir.

The boss: [Cut to the boss disappointed] Do you guys see how this would be a problem? [Cut to Todd listening to the boss] [Cut to Nathan listening to the boss] That employees of my pumpkin patch [Cut to Awkwafina listening to the boss] are having sex with the pumpkins?

Nathan: [Cut to Nathan speaking] I mean it’s not ideal sir. [Cut to the boss shocked]

Awkwafina: [Cut to all three staffs] I think there’s been a misunderstanding. They only did it because it felt good.

Todd and Nathan: Exactly.

The boss: [Cut to the boss speaking] That doesn’t change my opinion.

Nathan: [Cut to Nathan speaking] Does it change your opinion on us as people sir?

The boss: [Cut to the boss] Yes.

Nathan: [Cut to Nathan acting confused] For worse?

The boss: [Cut to the boss annoyed] Yeah. Oh, poor Louis. He saw the entire thing.

[Cut to Louis with his garden tool in his hands shaking his head with disgust looking at the three staffs]

Todd: [Cut to Todd] So let me tell you our side of the story as to clear the air here?

The boss: [Cut to the boss] Sure Todd.

Nathan: [Cut to all three staffs] Let’s just paint a picture for you, sir. [Cut to Nathan] Kind of a horny night in general.

Awkwafina: [Cut to the scene portraying their past story. All three staffs enjoying inside the pumpkin store] We were talking about that film, “American Pie.” There’s a part where Jason Briggs does some dirty deeds with an American pie.

Todd: This one time at band camp.

Awkwafina: And sir this is where I’ll take some responsibility because I had dared Nathan to pump the pump.

Nathan: [Cut to three staffs] And so I did. And to my surprise sir, it felt very, [Cut to Nathan] very good. [Cut to the boss looking at Nathan shocked]

Todd: Upon hearing my [Cut to Todd] friend’s happy, happy noises, [Cut to Nathan] [Cut to Awkwafina nodding and agreeing] I decided to grab a couple of pumpkins and do the same myself. [Cut to Todd]

The boss: You guys, [Cut to the boss] this is a family business. [Cut to Todd] Kids come here with their parents. [Cut to the pumpkin with three holes on it that Todd is staring at at this moment] There’s a slide. [Cut to Todd losing what the boss is saying because his attention is at the pumpkin with the holes] I can’t have my employees pumping the pumpkins [Cut to pumpkin with three holes with dreamy effect] at night. And Nathan, I’d expect this from Todd, [Cut to Nathan staring at the boss but not paying attention to what he’s saying] but I’m pretty disappointed in you Nathan. [Cut to the boss as a pumpkin with holes speaking to him. Nathan sees a pumpkin speaking to him] Because I actually think that you’re pretty smart. [Cut to Nathan lost in his thoughts] So if you did do this to a pumpkin it– Nathan! [Cut to the boss pissed off] [Cut to Nathan embarrassed]

Nathan: Oh my god.

The boss: [Cut to all three staffs] You got anything to say for yourself man? [Cut to the boss]

Nathan: [Cut to Nathan] I’m embarrassed. This is not our finest hour. [Cut to the boss agreeing] To be caught doing that with a pumpkin? [Cut to Nathan]

The boss: [Cut to the boss] You had sex with it.

Nathan: [Cut to Nathan] By someone I admire and respect, my boss, who’s also the father of my wife?

The boss: [Cut to the boss disappointed] I’m your father-in-law.

Nathan: But I promise sir, [Cut to Nathan] I will never do this again.

Todd: [Cut to Todd] I can’t promise that sir, but I’ll try my hardest not to. I might do it.

Nathan: [Cut to the boss disappointed] Sir, in our defense, [Cut to Nathan] have you ever actually done that with a pumpkin?

The boss: [Cut to the boss] NO.

Nathan: [Cut to Nathan] It feels pretty legit. [Cut to Todd nodding his head and agreeing]

Awkwafina: Sir, if it helps in any way, [Cut to all three staffs] Todd used a condom.

The boss: [Cut to the boss] It does not. It makes it even weirder.

Awkwafina: Oh.

The boss: So now, surprise guys, I have to let you all go.

Three staffs: [Cut to them regretting] Oh, come on. [Cut to the tree staffs walking away with background musing saying “Let me go, I don’t want to be your hero.”] [Cut to three staffs reaching the car]

The boss: Wait, [the three staffs turn around] [Cut to the boss] open the trunk. [Cut to the three staffs opening the trunk of the car finding it to be full of pumpkins] [Cut to the boss] Here’s a tip, the more orange the skin, the softer it is inside. [Cut to the three staffs. Awkwafina nodding her head and agreeing]

Awkwafina: Good to know.

Todd: Thank you, sir.

Nathan: Happy Halloween.

The boss: [Cut to the boss] Happy Halloween.

[Cut to three staffs driving away in a car with a trunk full of pumpkins]

Coffee Shop: Season 44 Episode 1

Coffee Representative…..Mikey Day

Female 1…..Ego Nwodim

Male 1…..Beck Bennett

Male 2…..Adam Driver

Female 2…..Cecily Strong

Female 3…..Heidi Gardner

Male 3…..Chris Redd

Barista…..Melissa Villaseñor

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

[ Opens with a family walking up to a Domenico’s Coffee Shop. ] [ Cut to inside the coffee shop where there is a marketing representative walking around three tables with three couples sitting and tasting coffee. ]

Coffee Rep: So how are you all enjoying the Domenico’s new coffee drink?

Female 1: I love it!

Male 1: This Americano is delicious.

Male 2: Now I say to the day I die, Domenico’s knows coffee.

Female 2: Yeah, I’m a bit of a coffee snob and I have to say Domenico’s nailed it.

Female 3: Yeah, they really did.

Coffee Rep: Well, I’m glad you folks feel that way. Because what if I told you that the delicious coffee drinks you’re sipping on aren’t actually from a specialty coffee shop?

Male 2: Heh, heh, heh. What?

Female 2: What’s happening?

Coffee Rep: But, they’re actually coffee from Burger King’s..

[ Three Burger King workers walk out carrying Burger King coffees in to-go containers. ]

Female 2: No!

Coffee Rep: New Cafe Gourmet!

Female 2: No!

Coffee Rep: BK Joe Coffee!

Male 2: What the hell?

Female 3: Woah, this coffee is from Burger King?

Male 3: Well damn, I guess I’ll be going to Burger King a lot more often.

Male 2: Well hold the phone brother, because I guess I just don’t get it. You’re telling me that I was just drinking a delicious cup of Domenico’s coffee with my new wife, then a bunch of puds walk out with burger coffee. Now you’re telling me we were drinking BK Joe the whole time. I, I guess I just don’t get it.

Coffee Rep: Well you actually do get it. Because that is exactly what just happened. And you’re not alone. Nine out of ten customers say they can’t tell the difference between BK Joe and the fancy stuff.

Female 2: But I can tell, and this is Domenico’s.

Coffee Rep: But the fun thing is that you actually drank BK Joe.

Female 2: Well, probably everyone else’s was a BK Joe. But mine wasn’t. I’m a Domenico’s girl.

Male 2: My new wife is a Domenico’s girl.

Coffee Rep: Okay sure, but that coffee is BK Joe. And get this, it costs just a $1.99.

Male 2: $1.99, you better take that back you pervert.

Coffee Rep: Woah, sir. There is no need for that.

Male 2: You fed my wife this garbage? Huh, this burger juice? How dare you? The day after our wedding.

Male 1: You came here the day after your wedding?

Female 2: Baby, I can’t believe I drank that burger coffee. I think I’m going to be sick. Baby, give me your purse.

[ Male 2 grabs his purse and hands it to female 2. ]

Male 2: Alright.

[ Female 2 begins to gag and stick out her tongue over the purse. ]

Coffee Rep: Wait, I’m sorry. Do you guys think that the coffee is made from burgers? Cause it’s not. It just comes from Burger King.

Male 2: Excuse me. Burger King! What happened to BK Joe? Alright be real with me brother. Are you BK Joe? Is he BK? [ He points to Male 3. ] Because I know it’s not her. [ He points to female 3. ]

Female 3: What?

Coffee Rep: BK Joe is not a person.

Female 2: Why should we trust anything you say? You lied about everything else. Oh, let me guess. This isn’t even Domenico’s coffee.

Coffee Rep: It’s not! I’ve said that several times.

Male 1: I’ll Krav Maga you right now. You know I know Krav Maga. Try me BK.

Female 2: Babe, babe, babe. What about the Batista? Is the batista real?

Female 1: Okay, I think you mean Barista.

Male 2: Batista, are you even real?

Barista: I am a paid actor but I did used to work at a Starbucks.

Male 2: As what a clown? Cause that’s what you are.

Female 2: Okay, I know why you’re all doing this. You’re jealous of me. You’ve been jealous of me since the second I walked into this Domenico’s. Because you could never get a man like this. I can’t go through this again, not at a Domenico’s.

Coffee Rep: Ma’am, Domenico’s is not a real place. This was a set built for a shoot.

Female 3: You know what, I don’t care where this coffee came from. I love it.

Female 2: Okay, look, I’m telling you this only because I’m honestly the nicest and most honest person here. But when you say that, you sound poor.

Female 3: Excuse me.

Female 2: You sound desperate you sound poor. And when this movie comes out, you’re going to want to kill yourself. I’m just trying to be nice.

Coffee Rep: I’m sorry you think this is a movie? For burger King?

Male 2: You see this Biscootie cookie? [ He picks up the Biscotti cookie and breaks it in half. ] This is you. Ah, now you know I know Krav maga.

Female 2: Oh my God, that got me so horned up baby. I love you so much.

Male 2: I love you, too. I’ll kill for you.

Female 2: And you will.

[ Male 2 and female 2 begin to kiss. Female 2 repeatedly says ‘Mmm’ each time their lips touch. ]

Coffee Rep: Oh, Jesus. [ They continue to kiss. Female 2 making ‘mmm’ noises and creepy giggles. ] Well, it feels like we’re not going to be able to use any of this footage so you can all go home. Thank you.

Male 2: Alright, come on baby. Let’s go. [ Male 2 and female 2 begin to exit the coffee shop together. ]

Female 2: Okay, baby don’t forget your purse. Can we stop by Burger King, I hear they have Domenico’s now.

[ Cut to Burger King BK Joe advertisement image. ]

Announcer: Brought to you by BK Joe from Burger King. BK is Burger king and Joe is coffee.

 

Kavanaugh Hearing Cold Open: Season 44 Episode 1

Harris Faulkner (Fox News)…..Leslie Jones

Mr. Grassley…..Alex Moffat

Mrs. Feinstein…..Cecily Strong

Hon. Brett M. Kavanaugh…..Matt Damon

Rachel Mitchell…..Aidy Bryant

Sen. Amy Klobuchar…..Rachel Dratch

Thom Tillis…..Mikey Day

Sen. Cory Booker…..Chris Redd

Sen. John Kennedy…..Kyle Mooney

Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse…..Pete Davidson

Mr. Hatch…..Beck Bennett

Mr. Graham…..Kate McKinnon

[ Fox News Alert opening sequence. ] [ Cut to Harris Faulkner sitting at the news desk. ]

Harris Faulkner: Hello. I’m Harris Faulkner. And we are halfway through the Kavanaugh hearing. It’s special coverage at the Fox News we’re calling, “Wuh Oh!”Judge Kavanaugh himself is about to appear, so let’s go live to the Senate hearing room where two of the oldest white people I’ve ever seen are about to run a circus.

[ Cut to the Senate Hearing Room. There is a banging of a judge’s mallet. ]

Mr. Grassley: Order, Order. We are calling this meeting back to order. This hearing back to order.

Mrs. Feinstein: That’s right, we’re back from lunch. I had soup.

Mr. Grassley: And I had soup as well. It was too hot. Now we just heard some very moving testimony from Dr. Ford. I listened to her and I kept a very open mind and that is why I already voted yes for Kavanaugh before she said a word. Now we’ve heard from the alleged victim, but now it’s time to hear from the hero, Judge Brett Kavanaugh. Who I’m told has been shadowboxed in the men’s room for the last 45 minutes. Judge Kavanaugh!

[ Judge Kavanaugh’s seat is empty. He enters the room and takes a seat. He is consistently sniffing. ]

Kavanaugh: WHAT!

Mr. Grassley: Judge Kavanaugh, are you ready to begin?

Kavanaugh: Oh, hell yeah! Let me tell you this, I’m gonna start at an eleven. I’m going to take it to about a fifteen real quick. First of all, I showed this speech to almost no one. Not my family, not my friends, not even P.J. or Tobin or Squee. This is my speech. There are others like it, but this is mine. I wrote it last night while screaming into an empty bag of Doritos. I’m here tonight because of a sham, a political con job, orchestrated by the Clinton’s and George Soros and Kathy Griffin and Mr. Ronan Sinatra. Now I am usually an optimist. I’m a keg is half full kind of guy. BUt what I’ve seen from the monsters on this committee makes me want to puke and not from beer. Dr. Ford has no evidence, none! Meanwhile, I’ve got these. [ Kavanaugh shows his calendar to the hearing room. ] I’ve got these calendars. [ Kavanaugh begins to force a cry between his words. ] These beautiful creepy calendars about lifting weights with P.J. and Squee and Donkey Dong Doug. [ He puts the calendar down. ] But you don’t care about Squee or Donkey Dong Doug, do you? You just want to humiliate me in front of my wife, and my parents, and Alyssa frickin’ Milano. [ A cardboard cut out of Alyssa Milano pokes out behind Kavanaugh. ] Well guess what? I’m not backing down, you sons of bitches. I don’t know the meaning of the word ‘stop’. To quote my hero, Clint Eastwood’s character in “Gran Torino”, ‘Get the hell off my lawn!’ Now let’s do this!

Mr. Grassley: Okay. Well, I’m hard as hell. Senator Feinstein, you want to fight this monkey first?

Mrs. Feinstein: Judge Kavanaugh, [ Cut to Kavanaugh drinking a glass of water and spilling it all over his face. ] are you saying that all that all the claims of Mrs. Ford, Mrs. Ramirez, and Mrs. Swetnick are false?

Kavanaugh: Ha! Uh, doy! [ Kavanaugh pours himself some more water. ]

Mrs. Feinstein: Then if you have nothing to hide, would you agree to an independent FBI investigation into the allegations?

Kavanaugh: Asked and answered. I wanted a hearing the next day. The next day.

Mrs. Feinstein: Okay, that in no way answers my question. Would you agree to an FBI investigation?

Kavanaugh: You want a real investigation. Then just look at my calendars. And you’re going to see that very night I Was lifting weight P.J. and Squee and Handsy HAnk and Gangbang Greg. Which you know the liberal media is going to find some way to spin.

Mrs. Feinstein: Okay, can we vote now?

Mr. Grassley: No, no. Senator Hatch.

Mr. Hatch: I just want to point out that democrats in this committee have acted like cowards. Now if you excuse me I would like to hide behind the female prosecutor we hired as a human shield.

Rachel Mitchell: Okay. So, hi. I’ve got about 4,000 loose papers on this weird little baby desk that they set up for me here. Okay. Now okay first of all, hello, my name is Rachel Mitchell. I’m here mostly for Twitter. And although everyone will constantly be referring to me as female prosecutor, you can really just call me straight up prosecutor. Okay. Now before we begin…

[ Mr. Grassley bangs his mallet interrupting Rachel. ]

Mr. Grassley: Okay, you’re time is up.

Rachel Mitchell: Okay, wow, I’m already regretting this.

Mr. Grassley: Senator Klobuchar.

Klobuchar: Okay, okay. Here we go. Now Judge Kavanaugh would you say in high school that you were a frequent drinker?

Kavanaugh: Look, I like beer. Okay. I like beer. Boys like beer. Girls like beer. I like beer. I like beer!

Klobuchar: Okay, so I asked if you drank in high school and you said, ‘I like beer’ ten times. That leads me to the next question. Did you ever drink too many beers?

Kavanaugh: You mean, was I cool? Yeah. [ Kavanaugh continues to drink water and spills it on himself. ]

Klobuchar: Alright. Alright. Then tell me this, Judge, did you ever drink so much that you blacked out?

Kavanaugh: I don’t know. Did you? Huh? Huh? Huh? Did you ever blackout?

Klobuchar: Excuse me?

Kavanaugh: Sorry, I didn’t mean it. I think I just blacked out for a second.

Klobuchar: I accept your apology, Judge. Can I just ask…[ Alyssa Milano cardboard pokes out behind Klobuchar. ] Is Alyssa Milano behind me? She is just so good at finding her lens.

Mr. Grassley: Order, order! Senator Tillis.

Tillis: Thank you. I would also like to yield my time to the female assistant. Or sorry, do you prefer stewardess?

Rachel: Oh okay, I cannot believe I flew here on Southwest for this. Um, okay now Judge Kavanaugh, do you have the definition of sexual behavior in front of you?

Kavanaugh: Yeah!

Rachel: Okay could you please read it to yourself and while you do could you please look at the piece of paper like you hate it? And could you also squint and make your mouth into the tiniest little mouth we have ever seen?

[ Kavanaugh looks at the paper squinting and puckering his lips. ]

Kavanaugh: Okay, I read it.

Rachel: Okay now having read it could you…

[ Mr. Grassley bangs his mallet interrupting Rachel again. ]

Mr. Grassley: Time!

Rachel: Oh okay. Very cool.

Mr. Grassley: Senator Booker, are you ready to speak?

Booker: I will not dignify this hearing with words. I will just show you one expression I call the ‘Booker look’. [ Booker makes an exaggerated sad face and shakes his head in disapproval. ]

Mr. Grassley: Okay, thank you Senator Booker. Senator Kennedy from Louisiana.

Kennedy: Judge Kavanaugh, I only have one question for you. Look me in the eye, in front of God, and I want you to answer honestly. That beer you like to drink, are we talking foreign or domestic?

Kavanaugh: I drink American Beer.

Kennedy: You ain’t drinking Heineken on us?

Kavanaugh: I drink American beer!

Kennedy: No further questions! This guy checks out. I give the rest of my time to Miss Frizzle.

Rachel: Okay, now I gotta make this quick…

[ Mr. Grassley bangs his mallet. ]

Mr. Grassley: Time!

Rachel: Damnit. Damnit.

Mr. Grassley: Senator Whitehouse!

Whitehouse: Yeah, I’d just like to ask Judge Kavanaugh about his yearbook.

Kavanaugh: Oh yearbook. We’re talking about a yearbook right now.

Whitehouse: Uh, Judge Kavanaugh, what is ‘boofing’?

Kavanaugh: It was flatulence. I was 16.

Whitehouse: Can you use ‘boof’ in a sentence?

Kavanaugh: Sure. I passed out from drinking but then I boofed so loud, I woke myself up.

Whitehouse: Okay, what about ‘Devil’s Triangle’?

Kavanaugh: It’s a drinking game.

Whitehouse: Okay, ‘Eskimo Brothers’?

Kavanaugh: Drinking game.

Whitehouse: ‘Eiffel Tower’ with Dougie One Nut?

Kavanaugh: That was a possible trip to France that didn’t pan out.

Whitehouse: Judge Kavanaugh, my staff just googled all these terms and they’re clearly referring to sex.

Kavanaugh: Well that’s impossible because I didn’t have sex for many, many, many years. Many years. All I did was drink, a lot, and not think about having sex at all. I was the proudest, drunkest, virgin you’ve ever seen. And everyone can relate to that.

[ Mr. Graham bangs his fist on the desk. ]

Mr. Graham: I object.

[ Mr. Grassley bangs his mallet. ]

Mr. Grassley: Lindsey Graham.

Mr. Graham: I object. That’s right. [ He points his finger and shakes it. ] I have been waiting to yell and shake my finger and get rid of this tomato for 15 minutes. And I know I’m supposed to shut up because I am single white male 5’10”, uncut. But I will not shut up, because this is a bunch of c-r-a-p crap! This ain’t no trial. This ain’t no due process. You know what this is Judge Kavanaugh, you know what this is?

Kavanaugh: Is this a real question?

Mr. Graham: This is hell! That’s what it is. It’s hell. [ He keeps pointing and exaggerating his pointing. ] Is this hell to you, Judge Kavanaugh?

Kavanaugh: Well, it’s pretty bad.

Mr. Graham: It is hell! And for what? You don’t just be Bill Cosby and suddenly you’re not Bill Cosby anymore.

Kavanaugh: Okay well you don’t, you don’t have to compare me to Bill Cosby.

Mr. Graham: No, no. You are him. You are him. Imagine this man in handcuffs like Bill Cosby.

Kavanaugh: Just please stop saying Bill Cosby.

Mr. Graham: You put this man on Supreme Court now! No vote, no discussion. You give him a damn robe and you let him do whatever the hell he wants. Because this right now, this is my audition for Mr. Trump’s cabinet. And also for a regional production of ‘The Crucible’. And let me tell you, queen, I was good.

Mr. Grassley: Alright. [ He bangs his mallet. ] Alright. [ He bangs his mallet again. ] Alright, I think we’ve heard more than enough. Ranking member Feinstein, would you like to say something in closing?

Mrs. Feinstein: I just have one final question for Judge Kavanaugh. After all of this, do you really think you have the right demeanor and temperament to be a Supreme Court Justice?

[ Kavanaugh turns two pages of paper with force. ]

Kavanaugh: I went to Yale! I work my butt off to get here. I busted my buns. I lifted weights. Every day [ He begins to cry. ] with Tobin, and P.J., and Squee. And Donkey Dong Doug. And yeah, we had a couple thousand beers along the way. Especially my good friend, Mark Judge, who can’t remember huge chunks of his life, but is my key witness. So am I angry, you’re damn right. But if you think I’m angry now, you just wait till I get on that Supreme Court cause then you’re all gonna pay. Give me a can of water. [ He shotguns a can of water. ] And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

80’s Party: Season 44 Episode 1

Hank…..Mikey Day

Fenster…..Adam Driver

Frat Guy 1 (Andrew Gucherman)…..Beck Bennett

Frat guy 2…..Chris Redd

Sorority Girl 1…..Ego Nwodim

Sorority Girl 2…..Cecily Strong

Sorority Girl 3…..Aidy Bryant

Frat guy 3…..Pete Davidson

Frat guy 4…..Alex Moffat

Sorority Girl 4…..Heidi Gardner

Sorority Girl 5…..Melissa Villaseñor

[ Image of the front of a Frat House with a title that reads in ‘Rad Times At Frat U”. ] [ Cut to Fenster and Hank walking down the street towards the Frat House. ]

Hank: I don’t know Fenster, a frat party?

Fenster: Come on Hank, it’s Homecoming weekend! You have to party.

Hank: Yeah, I should be studying.

[ They approach the door and Fenster rings the doorbell. ]

Fenster: Come on, dorkus, live a little.

[ Frat guy 1 answers the door. ]

Frat guy 1: Ooh, welcome to the fun house, nerds. Homecoming weekend. Hahahaha.

[ Hank and Fenster enter a very crowded active party. ]

Hank: Oh boy.

Fenster: Well Hank, this will be a night we will never forget.

[ Cut to black and white freeze frame of Fenster as he enters the party. Below his face is the caption, ‘Stated in a recent deposition he has no memory of this night.’ ] [ Cut to the break in a game of pool. ] [ Cut to a frat guy shotgunning a beer. ] [ Cut to frat guy 1 and 2 standing in the kitchen drinking beers. ]

Frat guy 2: Wow, this party’s crazy.

Frat guy 1: Look around freshman. Nothing we do tonight matters.

Frat guy 1 & 2: No consequences!

[ Cut to black and white freeze frame of frat guy 2 smiling. The caption below his face reads, ‘Lost his medical license as a consequence of this night.’ ]

Sorority Girl 1: Sorry guys, turns out we couldn’t get beer.

Sorority Girl 2: But we got cocaine!!! [ She waves a small bag of white powder. The rest of the party cheers. Then she rubs some of the white powder on her gums. ] [ Cut to black and white freeze frame of sorority girl 2 rubbing cocaine on her gums. The caption below her face reads, ‘Fox News Correspondent’. ] [ Cut to sorority girl 1 dancing then black and white freeze frame of her with cocaine smeared below her nose. The caption reads, ‘MSNBC anchor’. ] [Cut to Sorority girl 3 waking up on the couch. She has sharpie markings all over her face and she walks away from the couch. Then the camera does the black and white freeze frame with her caption reading, ‘Forced to withdraw 2020 presidential bid’. ] [ Cut to two sorority girls making out. ]

Random frat guy’s voice: Woah, those chicks are making out.

[ Cut to a group of frat guys sitting on the stairs, drinking beers, while watching the two girls make out. ]

Frat guy 3: Oh wow, two girls kissing. I live for this stuff boys.

[ Cut to black and white freeze frame of frat guy 3 smiling on the stairs. The caption below his face reads, ‘Lives upstate with husband of 15 years’. ] [ Cut to Hank sitting on the couch talking to a girl. ]

Hank: Man, I’m not going to get stuck in this town. I’m going places.

[ Cut to black and white freeze frame of Hank. His caption reads, ‘Dead’. ] [ Cut to a beer can being opened. ] [ Cut to the dance floor where everyone is dancing. There is girl, Agnus, with head gear up front and frat guy 1 approaches her. ]

Frat guy 1: Hey Agnus, I got you a present. [ He goes in for a kiss over her head gear and she pulls away saying, ‘Ew!’ ]

Frat guy 4: Twenty bucks my dude. [ He hands frat guy 1 $20 as a reward for kissing Agnus over her head gear. ]

Frat guy 1: Ew, I can’t believe I did that.

Frat guy 4: Me either! [ They shake hands and hug. ] [ Cut to black and white freeze frame of Frat guy 1 with his hands in the air smiling. The caption reads, ‘Perpetually haunted by this moment’. ] [ Cut to Frat guy 4 dancing then black and white freeze frame. This caption reads, ‘Also forced to withdraw 2020 presidential bid’. ] [ Cut to three sorority girls drinking beers next to other party-goers playing Pong on a small TV. ]

Sorority Girl 4: Ew, did you hear that the Gooch kissed Agnus the hag-nus?

Sorority Girl 2: Ugh, that guy is such a skeez.

Sorority Girl 5: Yeah, stay away from him.

[ Cut to black and white freeze frame of the three sorority girls. The caption is below Sorority Girl 5 and it reads, ‘Dated him’. The caption below sorority girl 2 reads, ‘Dated him’. And the caption below sorority girl 4 reads, ‘Married him’. ] [ Cut to the pool. There are a few people in the pool and the rest are standing around the pool. Frat guy 1 is walking to the edge of the diving board fully clothed. ]

Frat guy 1: Hey everybody! People are going to be talking about this party for the rest of our lives. And when they do, remember that I, Andrew Gucherman, did this. [ He unzips his pants and pulls them down revealing his naked lower half. ] Memorize these nuts! [ He takes off his shirt and does a back flop into the pool. ] [ Cut to black and white freeze frame of a naked frat guy 1 just before he lands in the pool on his back. The caption reads, ‘Insisted to a federal grand jury he never did this’. ] [ Cut to frat guy 1 splashing into the pool and the rest of the party-goers cheering him along from the sides of the pool. ] [Cut to black and white freeze frame of the party-goers cheering. Captions start appearing underneath everyone reading, ‘Backed him up’ and the caption beneath Hank reads, ‘Killed by Andrew Cunanan’. ] [ Cut to image of the front of the frat house with a caption that reads, ‘Frat disbanded after five-part Rolling Stone article’. ] [ Cut to Fenster sitting handcuffed between two FBI agents. ]

Fenster: But hey, that was the 80’s. So how serious are the charges?