Tag: season 47

Weekend Update- Chris Redd on What’s Really Important

Chris Redd

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: With so much happening in the world these days, it can be overwhelming to keep up with the news. Here to comment is our very own, Chris Redd.

[Chris Redd slides in]

Chris Redd: Yeah. Thank you, Che. Thank you, man.

Michael Che: How are you doing?

Chris Redd: And may I just say what y’all do up here every Saturday, keeping us informed. It’s important, bro. But Che, when do you take a moment to talk about the important unimportant things?

Michael Che: What do you mean by that?

Chris Redd: You know. Stuff most people don’t talk about because technically it doesn’t matter. Here. Let me take a moment quick. Hear me. [music playing] All this talk about debt ceiling and climate change but nobody talks about the fact that nobody in here knows one person who drives or operates a blimp.

Michael Che: A blimp?

Chris Redd: Yes, a blimp. Why do we not now who drives it? Like, when someone says, “I’m a driver”, you don’t say, “Oh, car or blimp?” Who is flying these things? I mean, they could fly a plane or jet. “No, I wanna fly a slow ass dildo across the sky.” For real! I’ve asked people all across the country, not one person knows a blimp driver. This might be a dumb question to ask you, but are we sure blimps are real?

Michael Che: I’m pretty sure they’re real, Chris.

Chris Redd: Exactly. Pretty sure. Plus, blimps are slow as hell. You ever seen a fast blimp? No. Because that is a missile. Anyway, what y’all doing? Y’all good? What’s going on?

Michael Che: Hold up, Chris. This wasn’t the plan. I mean, weren’t you supposed to be talking about the last time you were up here? And that thing you said?

Chris Redd: No. I don’t think so. I’m supposed to be talking about stuff like, why is everybody so mad about superman’s son in the comics being little bi-sex boy now? What a waste of time. He’s not real. I don’t care what real people do with their sex. So, why would I care about stencil, dog? There has to be something for everybody. So, treat life like a Pornhub selection. If it ain’t for you, don’t click the tab. Anyway, what porn you watch, Che?

Michael Che: We’re not talking about porn, Chris.

Chris Redd: Yeah, me neither, man. My porn watching days are over. I knew it when I started emailing feedback, “Passion is not in your eyes no more”.  You know? Colin, can I smoke weed in your house?

Colin Jost: No. I have a baby.

Chris Redd: That’s right. That’s right. Congratulations again on little baby Cletus.

Colin Jost: You know that my baby’s name is not Cletus, Chris. I’ve sent you pictures.

Chris Redd: I get a lot of pictures, Colin. I only remember the boobies. Anyway,–

Michael Che: Chris, that’s enough. Let’s talk about the last time you were here.

Chris Redd: Aite, man. Aite! Damn!Roll the damn clip.

[Cut to clip from 2020]

Colin Jost: Chris Redd, everyone.

Chris Redd: Black people can’t get coronavirus.

[Cut back to Chris Redd today]

Chris Redd: Okay. So, I guess that didn’t hold up great.

Michael Che: I’m not sure people caught that clip from February, 2020. Roll it again, please.

[the clip replayed]

Chris Redd: Okay! In my defense, I was just saying something crazy! I’m not a scientist. I went to community college. Which is like, high school, but you can have sex with your teachers. With consent.

Michael Che: I’m pretty sure you actually can’t, man.

Chris Redd: Hah! Well, I learned a lot today.

Michael Che: That’s Chris Redd with very important unimportant news.

Chris Redd: Not enough people are talking about it.

Weekend Update- Biden’s Climate Plan Dropped from Bill

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden and Joe Manchin at left top corner.]

The Biden Administration’s climate plan is likely to be dropped from the budget bill after senator Joe Manchin refused to support it. But you know what? I’m not going to let some bad climate news ruin this beautiful 80 degree October day. Manchin who is from West Virginia said he would only agree to Biden’s bill if it cuts clean energy and officially makes coal one of the five food groups.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new report shows that president Biden is on average 22 minutes late for public events. Worse, he only does it to appeal black voters.

[Picture changes to Kyrie Irving]

The Brooklyn Nets have benched star player Kyrie Irving from the team until he’s finally vaccinated and as a New York sports fan, I hope this decision finally forces Kyrie to do the right thing and buy a fake vaccination card.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of world map at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Logistical delays caused by worker shortages and covid outrages have doubled the time it takes for some products to get from Asia to the US. Now, this might sound crazy, but could we use bats? Because last time bats carried something, it got everywhere real quick. Pro-bat crowd?

[Picture changes to Pete Buttigieg]

Transportation secretary Pete Buttigieg is criticized for remaining on paternity leave with his husband and twin babies while supply chain problems threatened the holiday shopping season. Said conservatives, “See, you let gay couples have kids and god cancels Christmas.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of coronavirus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new study shows that coronavirus can cause infertility in men. See, so it’s not all bad.

[Picture changes to a woman carrying American flag.]

At a republican rally in Virginia, attendees resided the national anthem to a flag allegedly used during the Capitol riots. You could tell the flag was from the riots because it was soaked in pepper spray and mountain dew code reck.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jon Gruden at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Raider’s head coach Jon Gruden resigned after the discovery of homophobic, misogynist and racist emails he sent and clearly the emails are indefensible but does anyone want to be judged by their old emails? I mean, if you could see half the emails Che sends me. Actually, I’ll show you one. The subject line is “LISTEN UP HONKY”. And then the body of the email just says “I wish they got you instead of Harambe.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Colin Kaepernick at right top corner.]

Michael Che: So, you did get that one. Colin Kaepernick revealed that he has maintained his 5 AM training regimen in case he gets called back up to the NFL. But the Giants are still going to stick with their current quarterback, a scarecrow on a rumba.

Weekend Update- A Proud Gay Oompa Loompa on Timothée Chalamet

Colin Jost

Oompa Loompa… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A photo of Timothee Chalamet as Willy Wonka in an upcoming prequel of “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” went viral this week with many on social media calling him a Twink Willy Wonka. Here to comment on this is a proud gay Oompa Loompa.

[Oompa Loompa slides in]

Oompa Loompa: Hi. I’m sorry. Hi, Colin. How did you just introduce me?

Colin Jost: As a proud gay Oompa Loompa.

Oompa Loompa: Oh my god.

Colin Jost: Oh my god. Sorry. Is that not correct?

Oompa Loompa: No, it’s correct. You just, um, outed me on national television. But no, it’s fine. Don’t feel bad. I actually came here to make a statement about our pending factory strike. But now, I guess I gotta… call my parents.

Colin Jost: No.

Oompa Loompa: But it’s okay. It’s okay. All good. Just so I can plan, when does this air?

Colin Jost: It’s live.

Oompa Loompa: It’s live? Okay, well, I should probably read my little paper. Well, the recent coverage of an attractive young Wonka is scrump-diddly-umptious. What’s not so scrump-diddly-umptious are the unsafe working conditions in this factory– Oh, boy.  [gets upset]

Colin Jost: Are you okay?

Oompa Loompa: I just don’t want my family to find out like this.

Colin Jost: You think they’ll be upset?

Oompa Loompa: They live in Loompa land. It’s not as progressive as here. They’re like just got “Will & Grace”. So yeah, it’s gonna be a conversation.

Colin Jost: Well, we can stop if you want.

Oompa Loompa: No, I got it. I got it. This Twink Wonka or Twonka may look as yummy as lick-able wallpaper but make no mistake, he– Okay, actually, you know what, Colin? You did me a huge favor because now I can be honest about everything. Okay, point blank, a man doesn’t know how to make a chocolate. Okay? He doesn’t. He’s an ideas man who has never touched a machine. He just tumbles into the inventing room and says something like, “Oh, what about a gum drop that makes children dream silly dreams?” And it’s like, “Yeah, bitch, what about it?” Meanwhile, we’re up all night rehearsing the little song and dance we do when a child dies. The whole thing is sick.

Colin Jost: Then I guess you’re not too excited about this new Wonka.

Oompa Loompa: Sorry, I’m just curious. Do I just give off a gay vibe? What about this makes me seem gay to you?

Colin Jost: It’s just… there’s a lot of product in your hair. I don’t know.

Oompa Loompa: Okay. And you just stepped out of the shower like that with your’s? Pot head. Okay, well, I’m being a bitch. But honestly, it does feel nice to be out and I don’t know, maybe, now that I’m out of the closet, maybe you can come out too, Colin.

Colin Jost: No, no, no, I’m not gay.

Oompa Loompa: I’m sorry, boys, I tried.

Colin Jost: A proud gay Oompa Loompa, everyone.

Oompa Loompa: I’m in the union.

Superhosts

Melissa Villaseñor

Brad… Mikey Day

Lexi… Cecily Strong

Tobi… Rami Malek

[Starts with Melissa and Brad getting inside their Airbnb apartment]

Melissa: Wow, babe. This Airbnb is really nice.

Brad: Yeah, it is. I love all the exposed beams and tongue-and-groove woodwork.

Melissa: Brad, you’re straight, right?

Brad: Ha-ha.

Melissa: No, seriously. I just need to hear you say it once.

[Lexi and Rami walk in]

Lexi: Hi. Knock knock.

Rami: Hello.

Lexi: Hi. It’s your Airbnb hosts. I’m Lexi.

Rami: And I’m Tobi with an I.

Melissa: Oh, we didn’t know you were coming by.

Lexi: Yeah. We just want to make sure you got in okay.

Rami: Or if you need recommendations on where to go on the area like outside, or in here. I just wanted you to be happy.

Brad: Oh, cool. Yeah, I think we’re good so far.

Rami: We’re trying to become super hosts.

Lexi: Yeah, yeah, it’s an Airbnb thing. If you get enough great reviews, you get a little badge on your profile.

Rami: And people see the badge and they go, “Ooh! They got a badge!”

Melissa: Well, so far everything is great.

Rami: Oh, good. And I hope it’s okay but we looked at your Instagram and we saw a picture of you eating pizza, so we got you guys one.

Lexi: Yes! And it’s pepperoni, like in the picture.

Brad: Yeah! I guess so. Yeah! Cool.

Rami: We also saw another picture where you had a little psoriasis. So, we got you this medicated body wash.

Melissa: Oh, okay.

Lexi: Yeah. Also, I saw in one of your posts you had a blue shirt. So, we got you these blue pants.

Brad: Okay.

Rami: Well, they’re actually for both of you.

Melissa: Oh, we’ll be sure to both wear these.

Lexi: Sorry. We just– We want you to love the house as much as we do.

Rami: Yeah. This is where we lost our virginity at each other.

Brad: I’m sorry. ‘At’ each other? How long have you guys lived here?

Rami: A week. And after you guys check out, we’re gonna try again.

Lexi: It really hurt him.

Rami: It was hell of painful. For me.

Melissa: Well, thank you so much for everything, but we’re kind of tired.

Rami: Oh, okay. That is definitely code for “Get these serial killers out of here so we can start our own vacation”.

Lexi: [to Rami] We’re not serial killers. Don’t tell them we’re serial killers. You’re scaring them, Josh.

Brad: Oh. Weren’t you Tobi with an I?

Rami: Ha-ha. Anyway, if you have any questions at all, just call us.

Melissa: Yeah, I do have one question. What is that painting on the mantel. [There’s nude painting of Melissa and Brad on the wall]

Lexi: Oh, of your bodies?

Brad: Yeah! The one of us and our exposed bodies.

Rami: Ah! That was supposed to be your checkout gift.

Lexi: Oh, sorry, we’re trying to get that badge.

Melissa: And you did a nude of our dog too? [there’s a picture of a dog on the wall]

Brad: Oh my god!

Rami: Yeah you’re welcome.

Lexi: Oh, and guys, just FYI, the wifi here isn’t great, so we left you some porno mags in the bathroom.

Rami: Yeah, and don’t you worry. They’re the kind you like.

Lexi: Yeah. If you need anything else at all, just call us like this…

Lexi and Rami: [yelling] Hey you guys!

Brad: Alright. Please leave.

Lexi: I’m sorry. You know what? We just really want to be super hosts. Okay, how can we make it up to you?

Rami: Oh, should I play guitar while you unpack?

Brad: Oh, no, no. That’s fine.

Melissa: Well, we can hear a little bit.

Rami: Oh, that’s so nice of you. [gets a guitar then thinks] Oh no, I forgot how. Sorry.

Brad: Okay. I think we got it from here.

Lexi: Oh! Last thing, there’s fresh sheets in the closet for two days from now.

Brad: What do you mean two days from now?

Rami: Oh, we just know how you guys are always too tired for sex on the first night of vacation. So, you get really nasty the next night.

Brad: Dude! What the hell! How do you guys know this?

Lexi: From Instagram.

Brad: We don’t post that on Instagram.

Rami: Well, we infer based on your faces in previous vacation photos. You smile way more on day three.

Brad: My god. Why are you guys doing this?

Rami: Ah! Okay, fine. You want the truth? We saw you on Instagram a month ago and we thought you were cool.

Lexi: We were on the hashtag for #pizza and we saw your pepperoni pizza posts and thought you’d make good friends.

Rami: So, we sold our house and we built this one to make it an Airbnb.

Brad: Why didn’t you just rent your old place.

Lexi: Ha-ha-ha.

Rami: You see? This is exactly why we need you guys around.

Lexi: To keep us from doing stupid stuff.

Melissa: It’s okay, guys. I actually think it’s pretty sweet. We’ve never had anyone do a painting of us and that’s worth five stars in my book.

Rami: Wow.

Lexi: Thank you.

Rami: Speaking of book, don’t forget to sign our guest book.

Brad: Yeah, of course. [opens the guest book] It just says “Run”.

Lexi and Rami: Yeah, we’re serial killers.

[Lexi and Rami raise their fists]

Lexi: Oh, no. We forgot our knives.

Rami: We’re so bad at this.

Lexi: You guys, stay right there. We’ll be right back. Don’t move.

Rami Malek Monologue

Rami Malek

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, 1.

[Rami Malek walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Rami Malek: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. I’m so excited to be here. My name is Rami Malek and I’m honored to be standing on this stage. You know, I’ve played a lot of dramatic roles in my career. Most recently, the new Bon villain. [cheers and applause] Thank you. But I don’t usually do comedy. Yes, I try to play these really intense characters which makes a lot of sense because people tell me I have what’s called a resting villain face. Like, this is my totally neutral. And I know most people would rather play the hero but weirdly, I’ve always been more drawn to villains. I sympathize with them, you know? In “Lion King”, I’m team Scar. I actually found Simba to be kind of annoying. You want to be king? You’re like, three years old. Relax! And in “Silence of the lambs”, I’m always like, “That poor Hannibal.” I mean, that lady just keeps coming in an asking him all these questions. It’s like, leave the guy alone, Clarice! I think a lot of the times villains are just misunderstood. For example, Jaw’s hungry, Dracula’s thirsty, Frankenstein is horny. I can keep going, Darth Vader is just trying to reconnect with his son. Freddie Kruger, encouraging kids to dream. But you know what? It’s nice to see villains finally getting some respect. I mean, Disney’s even made movies where the villain’s names are in the title, right? You got “Cruella”, “Malificent”, “Bambi”.

But look, honestly, I’m happy to play the villain. I’m so happy to be in movies. I never thought this would be my life. I’m a son of Egyptian immigrants and I had this kind of sheltered childhood. It was so sheltered, I grew up in the San Fernando valley in LA, but somehow I had no idea that I lived right next to Hollywood. Seriously, as a kid, I dreamed of going to the walk of fame, the sunset strip, and I truly thought that was a million miles away. And it was just a 10 minute drive. Well, it’s three hours with traffic.

But it was great. I loved growing up there with my family, my mom, my sister, my dad, and my twin brother. Yeah, I got a twin. And yes, he will be swapping places with me in one sketch tonight. And you’ll never know which one. It might even be right now. Nah, I’m kidding. It’s me, Rami. Or is it? No, it is.

But really, this is such a special night for me. Both of my siblings are here and I’m so proud of them. My brother’s a teacher. My sister’s an ER doctor. [cheers and applause] They are truly incredible people and they have devoted their lives to helping others. But I have an Oscar, so…

[cheers and applause]

We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Young Thug is here. So, stick around, we’ll be right back.

Prince Auditions

Punkie Johnson

Ego Nwodim

Jordon Peele… Chris Redd

Kenan Thompson

Rami Malek

Daniel Craig

Punkie: Well, it looks like we have a tough choice on our hands.

Ego: I know, I know. I didn’t expect this decision to be so difficult. What do you think, Jordon Peele?

Jordon Peele: I still can’t decide, but it’s definitely between the last two, agreed?

Ego: Definitely.

Jordon Peele: You know what? Why don’t we bring them back in?

Ego: Um, Derpee, can you send in the last two auditioners?

[Kenan Thompson and Rami Malek walk in. They both have guitars with them and are well dressed up as Prince.]

[cheers and applause]

Punkie: Wow, this is gonna be tough.

Jordon Peele: First of all, you guys are by far top two choices to play Prince in my new bio.

Ego: But obviously, we can only pick one.

Rami Malek: Of course.

Kenan Thompson: Right. Right.

Jordon Peele: So, the only way to settle this is to have a Prince off.

Rami Malek: A Prince off, sir?

Kenan Thompson: What the hell is a Prince off?

Jordon Peele: Yes. I’ll call out some random scenes from the script and you two will give me your absolute best Prince performance at the same time.

Kenan Thompson: We can do that.

Jordon Peele: Alright. Show me Prince doing a funky lick on the guitar. Action.

[Kenan Thompson and Rami Malek do the same act]

Good. Now, show me Prince getting pelted in the legs with a football.

[Kenan Thompson and Rami Malek do the same act]

Good.

Ego: Now, do Prince stepping on a lego.

[Kenan Thompson and Rami Malek do the same act]

Punkie: Oh my god, this is so hard.

Jordon Peele: Okay, Prince is with his lover and he finishes prematurely.

[Kenan Thompson and Rami Malek do the same act]

Ego: Great. Great. Now, Prince gets in the shower and the water’s too hot.

[Kenan Thompson and Rami Malek do the same act]

Jordon Peele: Let’s see Prince get shot in the stomach.

[Kenan Thompson and Rami Malek do the same act]

Ego: Prince gets a covid test but they go up too far.

[Kenan Thompson and Rami Malek do the same act]

Ego: Now, Prince realizes his virgin pina colada isn’t virgin.

[Kenan Thompson and Rami Malek do the same act]

Jordon Peele: And cut. How do we choose?

Ego: God, I don’t know. Shooting starts tomorrow.

Punkie: So, it’s going to be Rami Malek or Kenan Thompson?

Jordon Peele: I mean, Rami, you look almost identical to Prince in costume.

Rami Malek: Thank you. I was up all night making this look.

Kenan Thompson: Thirsty.

Punkie: And Kenan, you’re in costume but you look nothing like Prince.

Kenan Thompson: Yes, that is correct.

Jordon Peele: But you are black and Rami is not.

Kenan Thompson: Thank you very much.

Rami Malek: You know, that’s not fair.

Jordon Peele: I’m sorry. I just don’t think I can cast a white guy to play Prince.

Rami Malek: But my parents are from Egypt, right? And that’s in Africa.

Kenan Thompson: Come on, man.

Ego: Don’t do that.

Rami Malek: Okay, fine. But doesn’t Prince, like, doesn’t he transcend race?

Jordon Peele: Not in this movie, no.

Ego: There’s an unexpected twist in this Jordan film.

Jordon Peele: That’s right. You see, it starts off with Prince bio, but then–

Rami Malek: It turns into being a horror movie by racism.

Jordon Peele: Okay, lucky guess. Anyway, Kenan, you have the part.

Kenan Thompson: Hurray.

Rami Malek: This is bull.

[Daniel Craig walks in wearing costume worn by princes of Punkie9th century]

Daniel Craig: Am I late?

[cheers and applause]

Ego: Sorry, Daniel Craig.

Daniel Craig: Is it late for the audition for the part of the prince?

Kenan Thompson: Yes, you are.

Ego: Again, sorry, Daniel Craig.

Jordon Peele: And the audition is not for the prince, it’s for Prince the singer.

Daniel Craig: Ha-ha. Yeah.

Ego: Did you even read the script?

Daniel Craig: Yeah, yeah, it’s a horror movie that’s about racism, right?

Rami Malek: Yeah, it is.

Daniel Craig: Well, look, I’m here. I’m ready. Can we? Can I at least have a go? Try? [Daniel Craig gets a guitar]

Jordon Peele: Fine. Show me Prince seeing an adorable dog.

[Daniel Craig does the act]

Ego: But then it bites him.

[Daniel Craig does the act]

Punkie: Okay. So, he kicks it and he misses.

[Daniel Craig does the act. He almost falls on Kenan Thompson.]

Kenan Thompson: Hey. Get off me, Double-O-ugly.

Jordon Peele: How was that?

Jordon Peele: That was bad. But you’re James Bond, so you got the part.

Please Don’t Destroy – Rami Wants a Treat

Rami Malek

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

[Starts with three writers just chatting in their office on Thursday night]

Ben Marshall: One of them is like, a horse.

John Higgins: Um, it can be fun.

[door knocking]

[Assistant walks in]

Assistant: Hey, you guys ready to meet with Rami?

Ben Marshall: Yeah, send him in. Totally.

Rami Malek: What’s up, fellas?

Ben Marshall: Have a seat.

Martin Herlihy: Pretty good.

John Higgins: Hey, buddy. How’s it going?

Rami Malek: Good. How you doing?

Ben Marshall: Good. Good. First time hosting SNL. How’s it going?

Martin Herlihy: Exciting, right?

Rami Malek: I’m almost through the first week.

John Higgins: Yeah.

Rami Malek: And the whole time, I feel like I’ve been on good behavior.

John Higgins: Yeah, dude. You’ve been killing it.

Martin Herlihy: Yeah.

Rami Malek: So, it feels like I deserve a treat.

[Ben Marshall, John Higgins and Martin Herlihy are confused]

Martin Herlihy: Um, what’s that?

Rami Malek: A treat, for being on good behavior. You know, like a cookie or a toy.

Ben Marshall: Oh, yeah.

Rami Malek: It just feels like, if there’s no reward, I mean, why should I be on good behavior at all? [looks deadly at Ben Marshall]

John Higgins: Um, that’s a good question.

Ben Marshall: Oh, yeah. How about my mousepad?

John Higgins: Ben’s Mouse pad. It can be fun, right?

Rami Malek: Yeah. I’ll put that in my house.

John Higgins: Yeah. Hey, we have this idea for you–

Rami Malek: I’d like another treat.

Martin Herlihy: Man, I don’t know if we have more treats for you.

John Higgins: Seriously, dude.

Rami Malek: Fine. Well, in that case, I guess I’ll just be on bad behavior.

[Rami Malek knocks a drink off of their table]

Ben Marshall: What?

Martin Herlihy: Are you kidding me, Mr. Robot?

John Higgins: Come on, man.

[Rami Malek is pointing at a Redbull can]

Ben Marshall: Rami, no. no.

[Rami Malek knocks the can off the table]

John Higgins: Oh my god.

[Rami Malek opens the fridge]

Ben Marshall: Don’t go in the fridge.

Rami Malek: Is this your food?

John Higgins: Do not touch that tortellini–

[Rami Malek throws the sandwich into garbage can]

Martin Herlihy: Oh my god.

Rami Malek: I want more treat.

Martin Herlihy: Uh-uh, Rami.

[Rami Malek just starts throwing everything into the garbage can]

John Higgins: I could hit him.

Martin Herlihy: You promised never.

Rami Malek: A song can be a treat.

Martin Herlihy: A song?

Ben Marshall, John Higgins and Martin Herlihy: [singing] I know when that hotline bling
that can only mean one thing

[Rami Malek starts vandalizing the place]

John Higgins: Rami, I’m going to freak out. No!

Martin Herlihy: Be careful, do not touch the roof.

Rami Malek: Give me more treat.

Martin Herlihy: Oh, sure. I’ll give you a treat. [pulls out a gun] I’ll give you a one way trip to hell.

Ben Marshall: Martin, no.

Martin Herlihy: No, I’m thinking about it. I’m honestly thinking about it.

[Rami Malek is staring at a laptop]

John Higgins: No! No! No!

[Rami Malek is ready to throw the laptop]

Ben Marshall: Why are you acting like this?

Rami Malek: Because I’m scared. SLN is almost over. And after this, I’m gonna have to go out into the real world .

Martin Herlihy: Rami, sweetheart, you’re gonna do great.

Rami Malek: But I’m really gonna miss you guys.

John Higgins: You’re gonna make so many new friends.

Ben Marshall: And we’ll still be here for you. So, what do you say you just–

[Rami Malek hits the laptop on the table and storms out]

John Higgins: Oh come on! Man!

Martin Herlihy: I should have shot him.

Mattress Store

Denise… Aidy Bryant

Richard… Rami Malek

Salesman… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Denise and Richard checking out a mattress]

Denise: Oh, I like this one. It is so soft.

Richard: Yeah. But is it too soft? Look at me, like Goldilocks.

[Salesman walks in]

Salesman: Hi, can I help you folks with anything today?

Richard: Um, we’re looking for a mattress, but we’re torn between these two.

Salesman: Oh, it is a big decision. We do spend a third of our lives in bed.

Denise: Wow, yeah, true. Hey, honey, why don’t we try it out so we can see how it would really feel.

[Denise lies down on the mattress]

Richard: Okay. [to Salesman] Sometimes I get home late from work and it just wakes her up.

Salesman: Oh, sure. Just try this out, you’ll barely feel any movement. Go ahead.

[Richard lies down with Denise]

Denise: Well, well, well. Look who’s finally home. Where were you?

Richard: Denise, you’re awake.

Denise: I am, and you reek of vermouth and whores.

Richard: Can we not do this Denise?

Denise: Oh, so I’m the problem? Go to hell! [Denise and Richard think for a moment] Yeah, this was good, right? I love it.

Richard: Yeah. Yeah. This is really, really comfortable.

[Salesman is confused]

Salesman: Okay.

Richard: I can really picture us one this.

Denise: I know. Yeah.

[trying the mattress again]

Richard: Goodnight, my love.

Denise: Goodnight. You were being weird at the party tonight.

Richard: I was having fun.

Denise: You kept talking to Andrea and Andrea is a bitch.

Richard: Am I on trial, you nagging shrew?

[Denise and Richard think for a moment]

Denise and Richard: This is nice.

Denise: Yeah, honestly, I almost fell asleep.

Salesman: No, you guys were doing like, a little play.

Richard: Well, you know, we just want to make sure that the mattress is perfect for us.

Denise: Yeah, like you said, you know, we spent three thirds of our lives in bed.

Salesman: That is not what I said.

Richard: Honey, let’s try the other one.

Salesman: Yeah. Go head. You want to make sure the right decision.

[Denise and Richard lie down on the other mattress]

Denise: Oh, okay. Sleep tight, Richard.

Richard: Oh, Deinse, you’re driving me wild with that night gown.

Denise: No, Richard. I’m tired.

Richard: Oh, really? You’ve been tired for a month, Denise. Whatever, goodnight.

[Richard covers his hip with a bedsheet and pretends like he’s masturbating.]

Denise: Richard! I’m not even asleep yet and you’re jerking it?

Richard: I’m backed up and it’s pissing me off.

Denise: Oh, wow. Wow. You’re watching  porn in our brand new sleepy town bed? Well, tell me the title. Tell me the title of the porn.

Salesman: Now, don’t tell her, man.

Richard: Hot lady gets adult detention.

Denise: Oh, you disgusting.

[Denise and Richard think for a moment]

Denise and Richard: Oh, yeah. We love this one.

Denise: But you know what? I did like the other one too. Should we try it again?

Richard: Sure.

Denise: See, this does feel just as nice.

Richard: It is so soft.

Salesman: So, what do we think? Hello? Are you guys asleep?

Denise: [screaming] Ah! There’s someone in the house.

Richard: I’ll get the gun.

[Richard pulls out a gun from under the pillow]

Salesman: When did you put that thing there?

Denise: No, Richard, not that gun. Get the killing gun.

[Denise pulls out a bigger gun from under her pillow and passes it to Denise]

Richard: Good thinking, Denise. Bang, bang.

Denise: Oh my god. You killed the intruder. You protected me. Damn. I’m so horny for you.

Richard: You come to me.

Denise: Yes. Do me like I’m in adult detention.

[Denise and Richard start making out]

Salesman: Hey! Alright, enough! Enough! Please, you want to buy this mattress or what?

Denise: Oh god, the intruder is still alive. And he has your gun. Bang!

Richard: Ah! [acts like he’s been shot] I’m hit.

Denise: No.

Richard: Goodbye, Denise. I love you.

Denise: You saved me. But I’m so horny. Oh, but my husband is dead. He’s dead in our bed from SleepyTown.

Male voice: SleepyTown, USA, “A bed for wife, a bed for life”.

Football Press Conference Cold Open

PR… Cecily Strong

Roger Goodell… Colin Jost

Jon Gruden… James Austin Johnson

Mark Davis… Alex Moffat

Larry Rucker… Pete Davidson

Equipment Manager… Andrew Dismukes

Cheerleader… Heidi Gardner

Giuseppe… Kyle Mooney

Colin Kaepernick… Chris Redd

Lavar Burton… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with NFL show intro]

Male voice: And now, a message from the National Football League.

[Cut to PR at the podium of press conference.]

[cheers and applause]

PR: Good evening. Good evening. I am ‘prefers to remain anonymous’ and I handle public relations for the NFL. So, if anyone wants to switch jobs, let me know. Now, I’d like to bring up the commissioner to address this week’s scandal. This is not the NFL draft but it’s still okay to boo him. Roger Goodell.

[Roger Goodell walks in]

[Audience booing]

Roger Goodell: You don’t really have to boo. Good evening. Hi, I’m Roger Goodell and when you see me on TV, it’s never good. This time, one of our coaches is accused of racism, misogyny and homophobia. But hey, at least no one’s talking about concussions. I think we can all agree emails sent by the Raiders’ coach Jon Gruden were horrifying and deeply offensive, specially to me. I was referred to as the F word, the P word, the C word, the R word, the F’ing R word, and the F’ing R word P word. And once weirdly I was called a DILF. That was kind of sweet. But I assure you all 32 teams in our league understand that diversity is our strength. And I know our black coaches would agree. Both of them. Now coach Gruden has asked to say a few words. I said, “Bad idea.”  But he got on his knees and begged and you know how much I hate seeing someone kneel. So, let’s hear it one more time for coach Gruden.

[Jon Gruden walks in]

Jon Gruden: Thank you, Roger. And I’m sorry to all the Raiders fans out there. I hope you won’t judge me on one email I sent 10 years ago, or the 20 emails I sent last Tuesday. But I promise I don’t have a racist bone in my body. When I called an African American player ‘darker than a night with no stars’, that wasn’t racial. I was referring to sense of humor which is extremely dark and edgy. Like that show ‘Louie’ on FX. Hey, when’s the next season coming out? Also called the commissioner gay F word like a hundred times. Yes.

Now, this sounds like a stretch, but if you’ve ever got burned by auto correct. Hear me out. So, I’m a bit of a naval buff and I often send my friends emails about frigates, which are warships. I’ll say, “Look at that flaming frigate!” That’s when a warship’s on fire. Or, “That dumb ass frigate can S my D.” That’s about a warship performing oral sex on another warship. You get it! My point is I never meant to hurt anyone. I meant to hurt them secretly behind their backs. But appearances matter. So, I’ll turn it over to a guy who’s all about appearances, Las Vegas Raiders owner, Mark Davis.

[Mark Davis walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Mark Davis: Hi, folks. Mark Davis here. Or as my players call me, the botched circumcision. Okay. Look, guys, what coach Gruden did was disgraceful. But we need to do better. Okay? we need to as I always tell my barber, air higher! [pointing at his haircut] And trust me, I’ve heard all the jokes about my hair and how it looks like Donald Trump’s haircut gave me a haircut. But we’re making this right and moving on. So, I’m gonna turn it over to our new head coach, Larry ‘don’t make me do this’ Rucker.

[Larry Rucker walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Larry Rucker: Hey, guys. Thank you. It is an honor to take over this storied franchise and a real shame that I have to immediately resign. They just found my emails too. And they are so much worse than the old coaches. I put the F word in the subject line. I started an email chain called, “Hey, let’s rank the racists.” And I responded to all of coach Gruden’s emails, “LOL, this is so true and funny! You the man, Gruden!”

Anyway, thank you and I look forward to joining ESPN in three months.

[Equipment Manager walks in]

Equipment Manager: Okay. Hi. Hi, everyone. I was the equipment manager five minutes ago, then someone just pushed me on stage and whispered, “You the coach now.” So, let me say this. Las Vegas will not tolerate misogyny of any kind. Never has, never will. I will vouch for the entire city on that. Also, I’m resigning immediately. I see reporters digging through my old tweets and that will not end well for me. I never should have dressed up as Jackie Chan for Halloween, but 2019 was a different era. Thank you and I’ll throw it over to the new chairman of Women’s Relations for the NFL, a cheerleader for the Washington football team.

[Cheerleader walks in]

Cheerleader: Whoo! Thank you. Thank you. I just like my team don’t have a name. And I just want to say the emails Jon Gruden sent to our organization do not reflect the values of our team. A team that until a year ago was called the Red Skins. I also wanna say to women who fell offended by the emails, lighten up! They’re funny! You guys, it was a meme of the first female referee and she was thinking, “Wait a minute, this isn’t my kitchen!” That was funny! Just laugh!

And now, to smooth everything over, I’d like to introduce out new mascot. We’ve made a lot of progress because now, we’re using white stereotypes. Please welcome Giuseppe, the stinky Italian.

[Giuseppe walks in with his mascot costume on]

Giuseppe: Ay! [speaks loudly in English with Italian accent] That’s right. We Italians make our meatballs and do the pizza. [being emotional] I am so sorry. This don’t feel right.

[Giuseppe walks out]

[Colin Kaepernick walks in]

Colin Kaepernick: Speaking of not right, hah! I’m Colin Kaepernick. [cheers and applause] Well, so much stuff coming out about the NFL is maybe racist kind of. Hah! I wonder if anyone tried to warn people about this before! I’m scratching my head trying to remember who said that. Scratch, scratch! It’s almost like that’s the reason they banned me from the league.

[Mark Davis walks in]

Mark Davis: Ha-ha. I don’t know. Maybe it was just your weird haircut. [Colin Kaepernick looks at Mark Davis in anger.] But good news, I think we may have found a solution that makes everyone happy. Someone even Twitter can get behind. Introducing our new head coach, Lavar Burton.

[Lavar Burton walks in]

Lavar Burton: Alright. Thank you very much. Alright. Suck on that, Mayim Bialik. I am the supreme football host now. I’ll take offense for 300. What is a handoff? I’m genuinely asking. I’m a theater kid, you know.

Mark Davis: Ha-ha-ha. This guy. So yes, NFL is gonna be just fine. Take us out, Levar.

[music playing]

Lavar Burton: [singing] Field goal in the sky, 
I am the head coach guy
Just take a look
in the play book
we’re playing football

Mark Davis: We’re playing football

Colin Kaepernick: They’re not playing football

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Celeb School Game Show

Bert Simpson… Kenan Thompson

Trishelle… Punkie Johnson

Ryan… Andrew Dismukes

John Oliver… Mikey Day

Jennifer Coolidge… Chloe Fineman

Adam Driver… James Austin Johnson

Kristen Wiig… Melissa Villaseñor

George Takei… Bowen Yang

Lil’ Wayne… Chris Redd

Rami Malek… Pete Davidson

Pete Davidson… Rami Malek

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: It’s time for Celeb School with your host Bert Simpson.

[Cut to the show]

Bert Simpson: Hey, folks. I’m Bert Simpson, Bert Simpson. And you know the game. Two contestants try to win $10000 with a help from our classroom of celebs. Playing today are Trishelle and Ryan.

Ryan: Oh, wait. Are we not going to do intro banter?

Bert Simpson: Oh, no. You two are boring. Okay, from “Last Week Tonight”, it’s John Oliver.

John Oliver: Game shows. America’s dirty little obsession. Give me more game shows, daddy. More please.

Bert Simpson: Okay. From “White Lotus”, Jennifer Coolidge.

Jennifer Coolidge: Oh, jeez. Why am I here? I don’t know anything. Gosh!

Bert Simpson: Next, an actor who’s voice sounds like it’s been changed to protect his identity, Adam Driver.

Adam Driver: Hello. Excited to be here.

Bert Simpson: Well, you could have fooled me. We’ve also got funny lady Kristen Wiig

Kristen Wiig: Hey. Ha-ha-ha. Hey, Mr. Host man. Ha-ha-ha. Dumb. Why? Why did I say that?

Bert Simpson: Star Trek legend, George Takei.

George Takei: Hello.

Bert Simpson: George, I gotta ask. Are you gonna say it?

George Takei: That depends on how bad you want it.

Bert Simpson: Oh, very bad.

George Takei: Oh, my!

Bert Simpson: There it is! Okay, next to him we have rapper Lil’ Wayne.

Lil’ Wayne: Ahah! I like to vibe out. Weezy!

Bert Simpson: It’s the wrong game, Weezy. Okay, next, the star of “No Time To Die”, Rami Malek. [Rami Malek just stares at the camera] Okay. And finally from SNL, Pete Davidson.

Pete Davidson: Wad up? Wad up? Yo! Do I have to sit next to Rami Malek? I mean his eyes are freaking me out. Like dude! Stop staring at me, man.

Rami Malek: I’m sorry. It’s just that people say we look alike. Maybe. I don’t see it. Maybe if I looked a little longer.

Pete Davidson: No, dude!

Bert Simpson: Okay. Ryan, Trishelle, you know how the game works. I give you a subject and you call on a celebrity student you think will know the answer. Ryna, you’re up first. Your subject is geography.

Ryan: Well, he has an accent and glasses which means he gotta be smart. I call on John Oliver.

Bert Simpson: Alright, John Oliver, Sweden is bordered by Norway and which other country?

John Oliver: Of course, you can’t talk about Sweden without talking about IKEA. [IKEA logo appears on right top corner.] Home of sketchy furniture and even sketchier meatballs. They’re not beef. Bad IKEA. Bad IKEA.

[buzzer sound]

Bert Simpson: John, your rant though amusing contained no answer. And please, no more over the shoulder graphic. Alright, Trishelle, you can steal.

Trishelle: Okay. Well, I’ll call on Jennifer Coolidge.

Jennifer Coolidge: Oh, jeez! Bad choice, sweetheart. Ah! I was in Europe once. I drank too much and passed out in a sauna like a dumb ass. Where was I? Finland?

[right answer bell]

Bert Simpson: That is correct. Trishelle takes the point. [a paper airplane hits Bert Simpson] Ay! You stop with the paper airplanes, Kristen Wiig.

Kristen Wiig: I didn’t throw anything. Ha-ha-ha. Why would you think I threw it?

Bert Simpson: Because you are half giggling and I saw you throw it.

Kristen Wiig: I’m sorry. I was just being weird. Sorry. Ha-ha-ha. I might do it again though. Is that bad?

Bert Simpson: Yes. Okay, Trishelle. Your subject is history.

Trishelle: Well, I don’t think he’ll know the answer because he is definitely high as hell, but I’m a fan. So, I call on Weezy.

Lil’ Wayne: Ha-hah! Yeah. I’d like to solve the puzzle. “What is that big fat ass?”

Bert Simpson: Once again, this is not “Wheel of Fortune”, nor is it “Jeopardy”. Are you ready for the question, Lil’ Wayne? [Lil’ Wayne is gone from his chair] And he’s gone. Does anybody know where he went? Rami Malek, did you see where Wheezy went?

Rami Malek: No. I’ve been staring at Pete Davidson.

Pete Davidson: Argh! Please, make him stop. It’s like the soul of a victorian child is trapped in his eyes.

Bert Simpson: You’re not wrong, Pete. Okay, Trishelle, second choice?

Trishelle: I call on Pete Davidson.

Pete Davidson: Pass!

Bert Simpson: You can’t pass, Pete. Okay, your question. Which revolutionary war battle was fought in your home town, New York City?

Pete Davidson: How would I know that? I mean, I went to school in Staten Island. And all of our classes were to prepare us to be firefighters or racist cops.

George Takei: Oh my!

Bert Simpson: George, you stay out of this. Alright, I need an answer, Pete.

Pete Davidson: I don’t know. I mean, can I just give Trishelle $10000 after the show? I mean, that would be easier.

Bert Simpson: No. Sorry. That’s not how the game works. Okay, Ryan, chance to steal.

Ryan: Okay, let’s go with Adam Driver.

Adam Driver: Good. Yes. Let’s have fun playing the game.

Bert Simpson: Adam. Which revolutionary war battle was fought in New York City?

Adam Driver: I don’t know. So, I’m not gonna answer the question.

Bert Simpson: Hey, calm down! Any of our other celebs think they know? George Takei has his hand up. You got an answer?

George Takei: No. I have a question. Why did William Shatner get to go to space and not me? Let Sulu go to the moon.

Bert Simpson: Sorry, it’s not up to me, George. And not that anyone cares, but the answer is the Battle of Brooklyn. Brooklyn.

[Lil’ Wayne walking in front of camera]

Lil’ Wayne: Yo, where did the plane go at?

Bert Simpson: That is “Price is Right”, Weezy. Okay, we’re gonna take a quick commercial break. Keep it right here. Ay, get back to your seat, Weezy.