Tag: season 47

Skims Commercial

Kim Kardashian

D’ennis… Kenan Thompson

Heidi Gardner

Sarah Sherman

Melissa Villaseñor

Aristotle Athari

[Starts with Kim Kardashian getting touch up for her commercial shoot]

Kim Kardashian: I’m Kim Kardashian West. I’m a mother, millionaire, law student and billionaire. I’m also the proud owner of Skims shape wear products. Skims is giving comfort and support to millions of women of all shapes and sizes. But we’re just getting started. Introducing new Skims shape wear for thick dogs. The only product on the market that will comfortably accentuate your dog’s curves, no matter how thick that butt.

[D’ennis walks in]

D’ennis: Hi. I’m D’ennis, hair designer at Skims for thick dogs. And this is my dog Dilicious. [There’s a dog that looks crooked] As you can see, she ain’t no toothpick. Home girl got a badonk like her daddy. Making it almost impossible to find clothes for her until now. [someone passes him his dog wearing Skims] Now she looks so good, I can’t believe she’s still with me.

Kim Kardashian: but don’t just take our word for it.

[Cut to Heidi with her dog wearing Skims]

Heidi: As a dog owner, I was amazed at the wide selection of fashionable looks for tiny skinny dogs. But full figured dogs need a way to show what they’re working with too. Thanks Skims.

[Cut to Sarah with her dog wearing Skims]

Sarah: All the other dogs used to pay no attention to my thick dog. But now with Skims we can’t walk down the street without rockets popping out.

[Cut to Melissa with her dog]

Melissa: My god used to be ashamed of how she looked. But Skims gave her confidence. And now, she’s dating Scott Disick.

[Cut to Aristotle wearing weird shirt]

Aristotle: Wait, these are for dogs?

Kim Kardashian: They sure are. And Skims for thick dogs come in all the classic Skims colors.

D’ennis: Like beige, brown, and that’s it.

Kim Kardashian: Now, every dog can be a designer dog with Skims for thick dogs.

D’ennis: And they only take like, 90 minutes to put on.

Kim Kardashian: And I know what you’re thinking. Did we make holes where the poop comes out?

D’ennis: And the answer is obviously no. That is gross. Get your mouth out the gutter.

Kim Kardashian: So, stop wasting all your money in getting cosmetic surgery on your dog and just get Skims.

D’ennis: And turn your good girl into a bad bitch.

Male voice: New Skims for thick ass dogs. Looks so good, you’ll be saying, “Damn! Am I really thinking this about a dog right now?”

Please Dont Destroy

Ben Marshall

Martin Herlihy

John Higgins

[Starts with Martin Herlihy and John Higgins at SNL office in SNL writing night.]

[rock music playing]

Martin Herlihy: Oh, I’m gonna have a drink.

John Higgins: Yes, sir. Watcha sipping on?

Martin Herlihy: Probably just a hard seltzer.

John Higgins: Nice. What kind?

Martin Herlihy: Just a JC Penny.

[John Higgins is surprised]

John Higgins: The department store?

Martin Herlihy: Yeah, they’re doing hard seltzers now.

John Higgins: What?

Martin Herlihy: Yeah. Ever since White Claw blew up, everyone’s doing them. Bud LIght, Corona, JC Penny.

John Higgins: Don’t they just make clothes?

Martin Herlihy: Yeah, I don’t know, man. Okay? I’m not in the board of the company. This is just a thing that I like. [takes a sip]

John Higgins: What flavor is it? [pulls out a can from the pack and reads] Men’s jackets?

Martin Herlihy: It’s not all men’s jackets. It’s a variety pack. I’m sippin’ on belts and ties.

John Higgins: Does it taste like belts and ties?

Martin Herlihy: No, it tastes like grape. You stupid?

Ben Marshall: Ben in the house.

Martin Herlihy: Oh, Ben man.

Ben Marshall: Oh, you drinking JCPs?

Martin Herlihy: You know it!

John Higgins: You know about this?

Ben Marshall: Got some seltzers myself.

John Higgins: Jiffy Lube?

Ben Marshall: Lube it up. Cheers man. Good to see you.

John Higgins: What is going on?

Martin Herlihy: Come on! Everyone’s doing it. JC Penny, Jiffy Lube.

Ben Marshall: Exxon, Verizon.

Martin Herlihy: Dr. Riccardi.

John Higgins: Who?

Martin Herlihy: My dentist. [shows him a can of seltzer with his dentist’s photo on it]

Ben Marshall: That one’s actually really good.

John Higgins: I don’t understand why you like these.

Ben Marshall: You don’t have to understand everything, John.

Martin Herlihy: Yeah, like, we don’t understand what you see in your girlfriend.

John Higgins: What?

Martin Herlihy: We don’t get angry.

Ben Marshall: No, we don’t yell at you.

Martin Herlihy: No.

John Higgins: Am I awake?

Ben Marshall: I also got the summer variety pack.

Martin Herlihy: Oh, nice. This is awesome.

Ben Marshall: That’s for everybody. And John, if you want one, take one.

[Martin Herlihy pours a belt buckle in his mouth while drinking the seltzer.]

Martin Herlihy: Oh! I hate it when these get in there.

Ben Marshall: A belt buckle?

Martin Herlihy: Yeah. JC Penny ones, sometimes they get in there.

John Higgins: Stop slurping like that.

Ben Marshall: Just chill out. Oh, who is this impression of? [mocking] Oh, I’m John.

Martin Herlihy: John.

John Higgins: Me.

Ben Marshall: Yeah, it’s John.

John Higgins: Oh, yeah, that’s cool. Does the [bleep] desk have one?

Martin Herlihy: I don’t know. Really not.

Ben Marshall: I don’t know.

[John Higgins pulls out a can of seltzer out of desk. It’s written ‘DESK’ on it.]

Martin Herlihy: Okay, so yeah. The desk has one.

John Higgins: What is going on?

Ben Marshall: Try one!

John Higgins: Fine!

[John Higgins opens the can and drinks the seltzer.]

That’s pretty goo. Oh my god!

Ben Marshall: Cheers!

Martin Herlihy: Cheers, brother!

John Higgins: I was wrong.

Male voice: DESK Hard Seltzer, it’s in the desk.

Lotto Drawing

Jim Bullock… Kenan Thompson

Wendy DiMichael… Aidy Bryant

Felix Cruz… Chris Redd

Shonda… Kim Kardashian

Ronda… Cecily Strong

Diana Ross… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with WEJJ Channel 7 Eyewitness News intro]

[Cut to Jim Bullock and Wendy DiMichael in their news set]

Jim Bullock: Welcome back to Channel 7 Eyewitness News, “You news it, you lose it!” Still working on that slogan.

Wendy DiMichael: I prefer mine. “News: It’s what happened recently.”

Jim Bullock: In just a minute, we’ll throw it over to Felix Cruz with sports.

Felix Cruz: I got all the scores for you baby, except baseball and football.

Jim Bullock: But first, it’s the live drawing of tonight’s power ball lotto jackpot.

Wendy DiMichael: Let’s go to Shonda at the lottery headquarters.

[Cut to Shonda]

Shonda: And I’m Shonda. And the first ball up is three. The next is seven. The next is nine. And the last is ‘J’. Making tonight’s winning numbers 3-7-9-J. Back to you, Jim.

Jim Bullock: Shonda, I don’t think there’s supposed to be letters in the lotto drawing.

Wendy DiMichael: Yeah. Give us a second on that. In the meantime, let’s go to Ronda with the numbers for tonight’s double play.

Ronda: And thank you. I’m Ronda. Tonight’s double play jackpot is money. And first ball up is three. The next is 4000. The next is blank. And the last is Milwaukee Bucks. Making tonight’s winning numbers 3-4000-blank-Milwaukee Bucks. Back to you, Jim.

Jim Bullock: The numbers aren’t supposed to go above 10.

Wendy DiMichael: Yeah. And was there a blank in there?

Jim Bullock: I also think that one of the balls from the NBA draft might have gotten mixed in. Maybe there’s an issue with the tubes feeding the balls up?

Wendy DiMichael: Well, let’s go back to Shonda who I’m told has the correct numbers this time. Shonda.

Shonda: And I’m Shonda. And you’re watching lotteries. The first ball up is three. The next is meatball. The next is meatball. And the last is bread. Making tonight’s lucky numbers, 3-meatball-meatball-bread. Back to you, Jim.

Jim Bullock: Okay, those are the ingredients of a meatball hero.

Wendy DiMichael: Yeah, that’s what I ordered for lunch.

Jim Bullock: Maybe the lottery tube got switched with the tube from the Deli?

Wendy DiMichael: So, delis use tubes?

Jim Bullock: Just trying to piece this together in real time, Wendy. Why don’t we go back to Ronda who has the correct double play numbers?

Ronda: I sure do, Ronda. I’m Ronda. Good luck to all of you out there and me.

Wendy DiMichael: Oh. I don’t think you’re supposed to play.

Ronda: And the first ball up is cellphone. The next is car keys.

Jim Bullock: Oh god, now it’s just stuff from my dressing room.

Ronda: The next is wallet. And the last is condoms. Making tonight’s winning numbers cellphone-car keys-wallet-condoms. Back to you, Jim.

Jim Bullock: Thank you, Ronda.

Wendy DiMichael: You bring condoms to work?

Jim Bullock: I think those were just lollipops with sticks broken off.

Felix Cruz: Hey, I got an update for you. Lottery lady – one, Jim – zero. Ha-ha-ha.

Jim Bullock: Dumb! Why don’t you focus on getting football and baseball?

Felix Cruz: They won’t tell me the scorers.

Wendy DiMichael: Alright. I’m being told that a repair man is fixing the tubes as we speak. So, Shonda should be ready now with the real numbers. Shonda?

Shonda: And I’m still Shonda. The first ball up is screwdriver. The next is mustache. The next is finger. And the last is blood. Making tonight’s winning numbers screwdriver-mustache-finger-blood. Back to you, Jim.

Jim Bullock: Oh my god!

Wendy DiMichael: I know. She only throws back to you. What about “Back to you Jim and Wendy”?

Jim Bullock: You’re pointing that out now?

Felix Cruz: I got another update for you. Tubes – one, repair man – zero. Ha-ha-ha.

Jim Bullock: Dumb! Let’s take a break and sort this out. And hey, our apologies to Diana Ross ho has been sitting here patiently in the studio.

Diana Ross: Screwdriver-mustache-finger-blood. I won!

[Cut to outro]

Male voice: Channel 7 Eyewitness News. “News: It’s what’s happened recently.”

Kim Kardashian West Monologue

Kim Kardashian West

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Kim Kardashian West.

[Kim Kardashian West walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Kim Kardashian West: Thank you. Thank you guys so much. I’m Kim Kardashian West and it’s so great to be here tonight. I know. I’m surprised to see me here too. When they asked, I was like, “You want me to host? Why? I haven’t had a movie premiere in a really long time.” I mean actually, I only had that one movie come out and no one told me it was even premiering. It must have slipped my mom’s mind.

I’m excited to be here tonight to show you guys that I’m so much more than just a pretty face. [cheers and applause] But, and good hair, and great makeup, and amazing boobs and a perfect butt. Basically, I’m just so much more than that reference photo my sisters show their plastic surgeons. But the one thing that I’m really proud of is that no one could ever call me a gold digger. Honestly, I’m not even sure how you become one. So, I asked my mom’s boyfriend Corey.

I’ve been very lucky in life and I know that I’m privileged, which is why I try to give back as much as I can. A real passionate mind is getting wrongly accused people out of jail. [cheers and applause] Thank you. I think I’m following in my father’s footsteps. Now, my father was and still is such an influence and inspiration to me, and I credit him with really opening up my eyes to racial injustice. It’s because of him that I met my first black person. Do you want to take a stab in the dark of who it was? I know it’s sort of weird to remember the first black person you met, but O.J. does leave a mark, or several, or none at all. I still don’t know.

Listen, I’m an influencer. So, I understand that the things that I say carry weight. But I would never tell anyone what they can or can’t do. Remember, I’m a Kim, not a Karen. And honestly with all of the ‘K’ names, it’s really impressive that my mom didn’t pick Karen. I mean, somehow she just knew. I don’t know how she saw that one coming and not Katlyn.

Now, I know we’re divided as a country but I love America to come together. Which is why I’m here to announce that I’m running for– I’m just kidding guys. I’m not running for president. We can’t have three failed politicians in one family.

I’ve been very blessed in this life and I’m grateful for everything. Honestly, all the ups, all the downs. I mean, I married the best rapper of all time. Not only that, he’s the richest black man in America. A talented legit genius who gave me four incredible kids. [cheers and applause] So, when I divorced him, you have to know it came down to just one thing. His personality. I know that sounds mean but people keep telling me that comedy comes from truth. And if there’s one thing that I always thrived to be, it’s genuine. So, I just want to say how incredibly excited I am to be up here on this stage tonight. I mean, I’m so used to having 360 million followers watching my every move. I mean, how many people watch SNL? 10 million? So, tonight it’s just a chill intimate night for me.

So, we have a really great show for you tonight. Halsey is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

Jasmine and Aladdin

Aladdin… Pete Davidson

Jasmine… Kim Kardashian

Jourtney… Cecily Strong

Ezekiel Elliott… Kenan Thompson

Genie… Bowen Yang

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: You’re watching the Disney channel. We now return to the 1992 Aladdin when Aladdin was still white.

[Cut to Aladdin with Jasmine flying on his carpet.]

Aladdin: Wow. From up here, we can see the entire middle east where I’m from.

Jasmine: This is so beautiful, Aladdin. I’ve never got to see what it’s like outside of the palace. But it’s even better seeing it with you.

Aladdin: Jasmine, there’s something I need to tell you.

Jasmine: What? What’s the matter? Do you feel self-conscious because I’m the daughter of the sultan and you’re just a low street rat?

Aladdin: Oh, I think street rat might be a slur but okay. It’s not that.

Jasmine: Are you intimidated that I’m friends with a ton of wealthy celebrities and your only friend is a monkey?

Aladdin: Again, not nice. But it’s something else. Jasmine, as we start getting more intimate, I’m just a little concerned that physically I can’t handle you.

Jasmine: What do you mean?

Aladdin: I mean that if we go all the way, you might break me. My thing might just break.

Jasmine: Don’t be silly.

Aladdin: I wish I was being silly. But look at us. You’re a lot of woman and I’m so frail because all I eat is stolen bread.

Jasmine: Aladdin, relax. I really like you. I really do.

Aladdin: And I really like you too. I want to do everything with you. See the world and laugh together and sing songs and do sex.

Jasmine: I wouldn’t call it doing sex.

Aladdin: I’m just– I’m worried that if I try to go in, I might not make it in all the way there.

Jasmine: Aladdin, don’t worry. I’m sure you’re more than enough man for me.

Aladdin: Ah! Thanks, Jasmine. Hey, out of curiosity, what were your other boyfriends like?

Jasmine: Well, I guess I dated a few athletes and some rappers, and I dated the king of Uganda for a while and that was crazy.

[Aladdin fake laughing]

[Jourtney and Ezekiel Elliott come near Aladdin and Jasmine flying on their own carpet. Ezekiel Elliott is holding a football.]

Jourtney: Oh, hey, Jasmine. Cool carpet.

Jasmine: Hey, Jourtney. [to Aladdin] That’s my sister, Jourtney. We all have ‘J’ names.

Jourtney: And this is my new boyfriend, Ezekiel Elliott, of the Dallas Cowboys.

Ezekiel Elliott: What’s up, Jasmine? Ay, little dude! Jasmine taking you on a little carpet ride for your little birthday?

Aladdin: You don’t have to say little in front of everything. It’s actually my carpet.

Ezekiel Elliott: Oh, that’s nice. Little guy’s got his own little carpet.

Jourtney: You like sports, little guy?

Ezekiel Elliott: Ay, you want autographed ball for your little birthday?

Aladdin: I don’t. I mean, sure. Yeah. Actually, yeah.

Ezekiel Elliott: What is it? Al-ladda? You know what? I’ma just put little Al. [signs the ball and passes it to Aladdin. Aladdin misses the catch.] There you go, buddy.

Jourtney: Oh, his tiny hands dropped the ball.

Ezekiel Elliott: Oh! Bye, Jasmine. Bye, little Al.

Jourtney and Ezekiel Elliott: Whee! [Jourtney and Ezekiel Elliott fly away]

Jasmine: Okay, now, where were we?

Aladdin: Jasmine, I don’t think I can do this. I mean, I want to but when you sat on my lap the other day, I think you could feel how much wanted to.

Jasmine: Oh. I thought that was just a roll of life savers.

Aladdin: Alright. That’s it. Genie, please, Genie.

[Genie appears]

Genie: You summoned?

Aladdin: Yeah. I’m ready to use my third wish.

Genie: Oh wow. The one you were saving to set me free?

Aladdin: Yeah, we’re gonna scrap that. You see, I want you to make me like pinocchio, but like, down there.

Jasmine: You don’t have to wish for that.

Genie: It’s fine. They always promise me freedom but at the end of the day, it’s always bigger penis. As you wish!

[Aladdin looks at his penis]

Aladdin: Oh! Wow! Thanks, Genie. Check it out, Jasmine.

Jasmine: Wow, that is better. Even though it’s the wrong color. But you really didn’t have to do that. I mean, I like you just the way you are. Now, are you gonna kiss me or not?

Aladdin: I sure am, Jasmine.

[Aladdin kisses Jasmine]

[looks at his penis again] Move over, king of Uganda! Oh, no! He didn’t give me balls!

Genie: [singing] A whole new world

Facebook Hearings Cold Open

Mr. Blumenthal… Mikey Day

Frances Haugen… Heidi Gardner

Dianne Feinstein… Cecily Strong

John Kennedy… Kyle Mooney

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Lindsey Graham… James Austin Johnson

Cory Booker… Chris Redd

Mark Zuckerberg… Alex Moffat

Tom… Pete Davidson

[Starts with channel show schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching C-SPAN on the Saturday night. Wow. We now return to coverage of the Facebook Hearings In Congress.

[Cut to the hearing]

[cheers and applause]

Mr. Blumenthal: Once again, I would like to thank the Facebook whistleblower for coming forward.

Frances Haugen: Thank you. It’s nice to be in an office with no skateboards.

Mr. Blumenthal: Now, my colleagues are eager to ask you questions about the inner workings of Facebook and Instagram. The chair recognizes senator Feinstein of California.

Dianne Feinstein: Ms. Haugen, I applaud your testimony here today. What Facebook has done is disgraceful and you better believe congress will be taking action… right after we pass the infrastructure bill, raise the debt ceiling, prosecute those responsible for the January 6th insurrection and stop Trump from using executive privilege even though he’s no longer president. After all that, you watch out Facebook!

Frances Haugen: Well, as a former Facebook engineer, I’m here today because I have seen first hand how Facebook products harm children, stoke division and weaken our democracy.

Dianne Feinstein: I appreciate that. My question is I have 2000 friends on Facebook. Is that good?

Frances Haugen: Is it good?

Dianne Feinstein: Like, is that a lot? 2000 sounds like a lot. How many does Drake have? 4000?

Frances Haugen: I think he has like, 50 million.

Dianne Feinstein: Oh my god. No wonder he never answered my poke.

Mr. Blumenthal: Thank you, senator Feinstein. The chair recognizes senator Kennedy of Louisiana.

John Kennedy: Ms. Haugen, you’ve told us a lot of disturbing information about this so called ‘Algorithm’. I just wanna clear up a few points. Where is it?

Frances Haugen: The algorithm?

John Kennedy: Yes. Do you have it with you now?

Frances Haugen: No. But there are algorithms in all our phones and computers.

John Kennedy: Not mine. I got a JitterBug flip phone. Only lets me call my son or the hospital. Now, exactly how big is this algorithm? Stop me when I get there. [John Kennedy shows a gap between his two palms to show the size of algorithm.]

Frances Haugen: Please stop.

John Kennedy: Woo-whii! That’s pretty big. No further questions.

Mr. Blumenthal: Senator Cruz from Texas.

Ted Cruz: Yes. I was particularly drawn to your testimony about bullying online, how some teenagers and even some adult man are bullied almost constantly.

Frances Haugen: It’s very disturbing.

Ted Cruz: So, I’m wondering how do you turn off that feature on Facebook where everyone comments on all your posts and says you’re bad and they hate you.

Frances Haugen: Well, there’s an option to turn off comments.

Ted Cruz: [taking notes] Okay. Excellent. Now, I’m also concerned about the toxic extremist groups you mentioned. I’ve seen groups with hateful names like “Ted Cruz sucks” or “Ted Cruz is the real zodiac killer” or “How Ted Cruz have kids when he a virgin”. Now, shouldn’t you flag those as misinformation?

Frances Haugen: “Ted Cruz sucks” isn’t really misinformation. It’s just one person’s opinion.

Ted Cruz: Well, that’s more than one person’s opinion.

Mr. Blumenthal: Thank you. The chair recognizes senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina.

Lindsey Graham: Thank you, Ms. Haugen. I believe that Instagram is toxic to the body image to the impressionable young Americans, specifically me. I see all these beefy guys on my discover page and I’m lifting and I’m sweating and nothing’s popping. No biceps, no triceps, no delts. I’m trying to get swole for Comic-Con but it is so hard to cosplay as a boy when you don’t have the V. Everyone knows you need the V.

Frances Haugen: I’m sorry. Is there a question?

Lindsey Graham: I’m just saying these young girls are trying to get a face that don’t even exist. They want the fox eye, the high cheek, Emily Ratajkowski brow, they’re doing botox, Juvéderm, Kybella, Restylane, and I’m like, “Girl, that ain’t a face. That’s a filter.” I’m sorry, I’m bad.

Mr. Blumenthal: [clears his throat] I’m just gonna move on. Senator Cory Booker.

Cory Booker: Thank you, Ms. Haugen. I was particularly disturbed by your testimony about how Facebook choose profits over the well being of our children. Rosario and I were discussing this very issue just the other day. Rosario Dawson.

Frances Haugen: Right.

Cory Booker: Yeah, she and I are… um… dating.

Frances Haugen: That’s great.

Cory Booker: So, my question is, does that make sense? Right? Like, when I stand next to her in a photo, that looks regular?

Oh, I don’t feel comfortable answering that.

Lindsey Graham: Ms. Haugen. I have another question. It’s been burning a back hole in my pocket. When you open an incognito window on, does that prevent god from seeing what you’re googling?

Frances Haugen: You know, that sounds like maybe a question for the bible.

Lindsey Graham: And I will ask the bible. Thank you, Ms. Haugen.

Mr. Blumenthal: Senator Kennedy, you have a follow up?

John Kennedy: Yeah. Uh, Ms. Haugen, could you explain how this photo showed up in my feed?

[There’s a picture of a group of people cosplaying different characters]

Frances Haugen: What is that?

John Kennedy: That’s what I’d like to know. It looks like the cast from the live action version of Space Jam is taking a selfie?

Ted Cruz: Now, is that pornographic?

John Kennedy: Not yet. But it feels like it’s heading there?

Dianne Feinstein: I had one in my feed as well. What is this?

[There’s a picture of a girl turning into a mouse]

Is Facebook pressuring teens to do this? To slowly morph into mice? Is this the Stewart Little challenge?

Frances Haugen: No. I think that’s an image from an old book series called Animorphs.

Lindsey Graham: Oh my god. That looks like something I found on the dark web.

Ted Cruz: Oh, that reminds me, is the dark web the same as black Twitter?

Frances Haugen: Oh my god!

Lindsey Graham: Let’s try to keep these questions pertinent. Now, what about Squid Game? What is that?

Dianne Feinstein: Oh. America is in a lot of debt right now. Should we do a Squid Game?

Ted Cruz: You know, I was put in a Squid Game recently and they made me the guy from Spongebob. “When Texas is freezing and you in Mexico.”

John Kennedy: I gotta ask about this one too. [There’s a meme that looks like a fruit is high] “When the edible kicks in and you da substitute.”

Ted Cruz: Is that what the kids are calling a may-may (meme).

Cory Booker: There’s this one too. [There’s a meme that shows a cartoon wearing turban and a cartoon with hair loss.] “How it started and how it’s going.” Is this making teens feel bad about their hair loss?

Frances Haugen: Guys, you don’t have to do this.

Dianne Feinstein: Okay, one more. [There’s a meme with two guys smiling] “When you meet bitches that like vegetables.” Because that came up when I searched for “Tom Brady old face”.

Mr. Blumenthal: Guys, order. Please. Stop showing Ms. Haugen memes you found online.

Ted Cruz: It’s may-may (meme).

Mr. Blumenthal: Let’s adjourn for lunch. But first I’m told we have a video response coming in from the Founder of a very important social media site.

[Cut to Mark Zuckerberg at his home]

Mark Zuckerberg: Hi everyone.

Mr. Blumenthal: No! No! We don’t need any more from that guy. I mean, let’s go to the OG social media king.

[Cut to Tom from MySpace.]

Tom: Oh, hey. I’m Tom from MySpace. Remember me? I was harmless. I’m not doing any of that weird algorithm stuff. We barely maintained the website. So, come on by. Check out your friend’s band from 20 years ago and let’s make America top eight again. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Costco Meeting

Jalissa… Sarah Sherman

Kyle Mooney

Glitter Revolution… Bowen Yang, Kim Kardashian, Aidy Bryant

Kyle: Well, Jalissa, usually interns aren’t allowed to present to the VP of Costco marketing, but I’m excited to hear your ideas.

Jalissa: I won’t let you down, sir. As you know, Costco scales are sky high among middle aged people. But teenagers ever only come to our stores to do kick-flips in the parking lot.

Kyle: Um-hmm. How do we get them to come inside?

Jalissa: Well, here’s what we know. Teens love music. So, we need a pop group that’s going to speak to my generation. Please welcome Glitter Revolution.

[Three members of Glitter Revolution walk in. They’re all dressed up in pink tight clothes.]

Aidy: Hello, Costco. Glitter Revolution is here.

Kyle: So, this is Glitter Revolution?

Kim: Hey, you all corporate freaks.

Bowen: Are you ready to have your khakis explode from the back?

Aidy: We’re a three person bop factory where the smoke stacks go…

All: Hoo-hoo!

Bowen: We are Glitter Revolution.

Kim: And we want to know what the hell is up, Costco?

Kyle: This definitely isn’t the Eagles. But I’m here to learn.

Aidy: Well, thank you warehouse savings legend. Let’s hit it.

[music playing]

Attention Costco shoppers.

Bowen: [singing] Doo-doo-doo-da-da-da-da-da-dee-dee
bulk bitches only
peanut brittle in bulk

Aidy: Aquarium rocks in bulk

Kim: Humidifiers in bulk

Aidy: And a can of tuna that’s one foot tall

Bowen: Doo-doo-doo-da-da-da-da-da-dee-dee

Aidy: Big bulky bitches

Bowen: Come to the bomb

[They end the song with a pose]

Kyle: Well, our teen customers are gonna absolutely stand this. I close my eyes and I’m seeing Olivia Rodrigo buying bags of beef Wellington.

Jalissa: Exactly. And you won’t believe this but they write all their songs from scratch.

Kyle: Just like the Eagles.

Bowen: That’s right. And we took a little research trip yesterday.

Kim: It was iconic. We sampled Bagel Bites next to a forklift.

Aidy: Yeah. We each got $4 prescription eyeglasses.

Bowen: And yeah, we all bought George W. Bush’s new book.

Kim: And that’s when we realized Costco is such a vibe.

Bowen: This next song is about the famous Costco restaurant.

[music playing]

Aidy: Attention Costco diners.

Bowen: Hey boy, are you hungry? 

Kim: Hey boy, chicken caesar 

Aidy: Hey boy, got a $1.5 

All: Coz you can get me hotdog

Bowen: Yeah, you can get me hotdog

[They end the song with a pose]

Kyle: That’s actually the best song I’ve ever heard.

Aidy: Yeah. It’s such a slay that Kirkland brand can be anything.

Kim: Kirkland brand is deli meat, fleece, water bottles…

Bowen: And yeah, tyres too. Slay car.

Kyle: Glitter Revolution, here’s what I can do. I’d like to offer you a $5 million 10 year contract on one condition. I wanna hear you diss our competitors.

Jalissa: Glitter Revolution, show them the track where you drag Costco’s enemies asses to hell.

Bowen: Hah! Order up, legend. This song is called Flop Shop.

[music playin]

Aidy: Attention Costco rivals, tongue lashing coming for you.

Bowen: Walmart, you’re a flop shop

Kim: Trader Joe’s, you’re a flop shop

Bowen: Amazon is quitting in her boots, bitch

Aidy: Best Buy, get F’ed

Kim: Sam’s Club, go to hell

Aidy: Target, suck a toe

All: Every other store found dead in the ditch

[They end the song with a pose]

[Kyle whispers on Jalissa’s ear]

Jalissa: I’m so sorry, Glitter Revolution. My boss says that after hearing that third track, we cannot give you the $5 million Costco brand deal.

Kyle: Instead, we’re gonna have to give you the $25 million deal.

Bowen: Yeah!

Kyle: By the way, how old are you guys?

Kim: We’re all 15, except for she’s 32 and I’m 30.

Bowen: And I’m 45.

Bowen: [singing] Doo-doo-doo-da-da-da-da-da-dee-dee
bulk bitches only

Womens Talk Show

Ego Nwodim

Charlette… Cecily Strong

Dee-dee… Heidi Gardner

Maney… Aidy Bryant

Doctor… Owen Wilson

[Starts with the show intro]

[Cut to the show stage. There are four women sitting at the table.]

Ego: Welcome back to The Talking where we discuss everything that women can have an opinion about at EgoEgo:Dee-dee0 in the morning. Later, we’ll talk about Biden’s infrastructure bills, but first, Crock Pot lasagne. This sounds gross to me. Anyone else?

Charlette: You know, I have a question. What’s an air fryer? What is it?

Dee-dee: Ladies, if something’s fried, I won’t eat it.

Ego: Dee-dee, don’t talk like that.

Maney : Now look, as you all know, my husband is very well endowed, okay? And he actually cooks dinner for us and he loves the air fryer.

Charlette: Okay, here’s what I don’t get. How does air fry something? How does air make it fry?

Maney : Charlette, none of us know. And I don’t really love how you asked that.

Charlette: How did I ask?

Maney : You have a lot of debt.

Charlette: How did I ask?

Maney : You have a lot of debt.

Charlette: How did I ask?

Maney : You have a lot of debt.

Ego: Okay. Okay. Ladies, moving on, the stock market.

All: Hmm.

Dee-dee: I like it.

Charlette: See, I do too.

Maney : I don’t know if you ladies know this but–

Charlette: Don’t say it.

Maney : Well, you don’t know what I’m going to say.

Ego: Alright, go ahead.

Maney : Okay. My husband is very well endowed

Charlette: Yea, you just said that.

Maney : Yea, your children are rude.

Charlette: You are a bad friend.

Maney : Yea, your children are rude.

Charlette: You are a bad friend.

Maney : Yea, your children are rude.

Charlette: You are a bad friend.

Ego: Ladies, please, enough. Enough.

[a doctor walks in]

Doctor: [to Dee-dee] Hello. I’m sorry. I need to inform you of your covid test results.

Dee-dee: Oh, hi. Here?

Doctor: Yes, ma’am. I just received them and this is where you are. So, I brought them here. I’m gonna have to confirm some information.

Dee-dee: Okay. Do we have to do this on air?

Doctor: Yea. It has to be on TV for HIPAA reasons. We either can’t tell anybody or have to tell everybody. No middle ground.

Dee-dee: Okay.

Doctor: Can I have your full name?

Dee-dee: Dee-dee Calresian.

Doctor: Correct. Date of birth.

Dee-dee: May EgoDee-deeth.

Doctor: May EgoDee-deeth what?

Dee-dee: Nineteen… eighty… two.

Ego: Damn Dee-dee, you’re younger than you look.

Dee-dee: Thanks! Wait. Hey!

Doctor: And what have you done in the last 72 hours?

Dee-dee: Like, in general?

Doctor: Yes.

Dee-dee: Came to work, googled myself. I don’t know.

Doctor: Very well. Unfortunately, your covid test came back positive. So, I’m afraid you’re going to have to come with me.

Dee-dee: No! Well, bye everybody.

Ego: Well, viewers, it looks like Dee-dee had a breakthrough case. It happens. Obviously we’ve all been vaccinated dozens, dozens, dozens of times.

Maney : Yeah, wow! Well, she is going to be sad to miss this next segment. Because today, we’re talking to the leader of the Vatican himself, the Pope.

Ego: No. Help me out here. Is it the Pope or da’ Pope?

Maney : I think it’s just Pope.

Charlette: I can’t keep up.

Ego: Well, look. In just a minute, Pope is gonna tell us about his foreign plans. Do you ladies switch your purse for fall? I don’t.

Charlette: I only switch for summer. Are we doing Halloween this year?

Maney : Yea, my tree’s up.

[Doctor walks in again]

Oh, okay. The man is back

Doctor: [to Maney ] Yea, ma’am, I need to speak with you to do some contact tracing. Have you been in contact with anyone who has had tested positive for covid in the past 72 hours?

Maney : Well, you just took Dee-dee away for having covid.

Doctor: Good memory. Can you confirm your name?

Maney : Yea. Maney Talkin.

Doctor: And your number of sexual partners?

Maney : Oh. Just one.

Doctor: Okay. That’s not what I have here.

Maney : I’m sorry. Could we go to commercial?

Charlette: Oh, they’re saying we ran out.

Maney : Of commercials?

Doctor: Well, the bad news is one of you ladies also tested positive but I understand you’re on live TV. So, I wanna be discreet about this. I think I’m just gonna put my hand on the head of the person who has covid.

[Doctor slowly puts his hand on Maney ‘s head]

Maney : Okay. Bye, everyone.

Ego: Wow! Well, this is very bizarre because I cannot stress enough how many times we’ve all been vaccinated.

Charlette: Countless times.

Ego: Well, let’s go on to our next topic, women buying their own engagement ring?

Charlette: I think the boy should buy it.

[The doctor walks in again and holds Charlette]

Well, sir?

Doctor: I’m sorry. We’re gonna have to remove you but I didn’t want to make a big deal of it.

Charlette: I’ve got covid?

Doctor: No. You have HPV.

Charlette: Does that mean I can’t be on TV?

Doctor: It does.

[Ego is alone on the table now]

Ego: Wow. Okay, well, looks like it’s just me now. Okay, wait, no. I’m getting word. Good news is they were false positives. Not the HPV though. See you next time!

Weekend Update Pete Davidson on the Met Gala

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: Last month MET Gala, a fund raising event at the Metropolitan Museum of Art where celebrities typically wear outrageous costumes was criticized by some as elitist. For more on this is someone who went to the Gala, Pete Davidson.

[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Yeah. Hello. Thank you. Thank you, Colin. So, Colin, how did you enjoy the MET?

Colin Jost: Oh, I actually didn’t go this year.

Pete Davidson: Really? So, wait! This isn’t you? [There’s a picture of someone wearing a full head mask on with sharp nails mohawk and a suit.] Who was I talking to all night?

Colin Jost: Did you have fun at the Gala?

Pete Davidson: Oh, it was amazing. [laughing] No, it was amazing. I got to go to the coolest even of the year and I can now say I’ve been in a museum.

Colin Jost: I did see some people were commenting on your outfit.

Pete Davidson: Yeah, I don’t know why. [there’s a picture of Pete Davidson on his MET Gala outfit.] That’s a cool dress. I look like James Bond at Quinceanera. I look like one of the three blind mice sold fentanyl. [cheers and applause] Thank you. Oh, don’t do that. No. But the truth is I already wear a dress or paint my nails sometimes, just because I like making my uncles uncomfortable.

Colin Jost: Yeah. What do they think of the outfit?

Pete Davidson: Well, my uncle Steve saw it. He was like, “Hey, I don’t get it. But whatever makes you happy. Alright? You’re still walking in my house. I’ll just put the seat down when you’re over.”

Colin Jost: So, he’s afraid that people will think you’re gay?

Pete Davidson: Yes. Just because I wore a dress. Meanwhile, here’s him at my age.

[There’s a picture of a guy who has a long curly hair and is wearing boxers and sleeveless shirt.]

That’s my uncle who’s worried I looked gay. Meanwhile, he grew up in the 80s which somehow the gayest and the most homophobic generation of all time. All the songs were about the boys and how they’re back in town. Also, his favorite movie is Top Gun. That’s as close to a movie about men being in love with each other as the 80s allowed. It’s like Brokeback in the sky. I just don’t get where guys his age are coming from. I mean, have you ever asked a man in his 40s or over 50 what they did for fun growing up? They’ll say, “Oh, we waited for our friends to pass out. Then we’d all take pictures of our balls in his face.” You know. “The men were men!”

Colin Jost: So, wait. Was your uncle actually upset?

Pete Davidson: Yeah, he was upset. But it doesn’t take much. He was just mad that Chris Pratt isn’t Italian but he’s playing Super Mario. I say why all anger at this Chris Pratt though? He’s a sweetheart. He’s a lovely guy. I mean what? You just make one bad movie and then people hate you? is that true, Colin? Did people hate you after Tom & Jerry? [laughter] No, I’m kidding. I’m kidding. It was actually the perfect pandemic movie because it made sure there’d be no large gatherings at movie theaters.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, Pete Davidson–

Pete Davidson: Wait, I’m not done. Bring up my dress again. I got one more. [Picture of Pete Davidson at MET Gala appears] I look like Tilda Swinton on Casual Friday.

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone!

Pete Davidson: I can’t believe I’m back.

Weekend Update Pays Tribute to Norm Macdonald

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a chimpanzee at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Researchers in Uganda have observed a chimpanzee masturbating with a plastic bottle. Once full, the bottle was capped and sold as Dasani. [Picture changes to Dasani]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Eminem at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: During the opening day of Eminem’s new Detroit restaurant, the rapper surprised guests by serving them pasta himself. Not to be outdone, [picture changes to Macklemore wearing Olive Garden staff dress serving tea] Macklemore got fired from the Olive Garden.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Barack Obama at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Barack Obama has been criticized by Chicago residents who claim that his new presidential library will lead to gentrification. For me, it’s another painful reminder that Obama is half white.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Onlyfans logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A Colorado woman who posts on Onlyfans said that praying before sex with her husband allows her to experience a threesome with god. A threesome that doesn’t end until thy kingdom comes.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Well guys, it is a bitter sweet night for us tonight.

Michael Che: Yes. On September 14th, our friend Norm Macdonald passed away.

Colin Jost: Right. Norm is the reason that I ever wanted to do Weekend Update and so tonight, we thought we turn the last few jokes of Update over to Norm.

[Cut to old videos of Norm Macdonald]

Norm Macdonald: Thanks. I’m Norm Macdonald and this is the Fake News. At the White House this week, president Clinton officially came out against same sex marriages. What’s more? The president said he is not too crazy about opposite sex marriages either.

A new airport plan for San Diego would actually be located three miles out in the pacific ocean. Built on 40xMichael Che0 ft. floating cylinders. It’s all part of a plan by city officials to have a huge disaster.

A French man who calls himself the Snake Man was arrested this week after climbing up the side of a Manhattan high rise. Yes, he climbed right up the side of a high rise… just like a snake.

In a brilliant move during closing argument Simpson attorney Johnnie Cochran put on a knit cap prosecutor saying O.J. wore the night he committed the murders. Although O.J. may have heard his case when he suddenly blurted out, “Hey, easy with that. That’s my lucky stabbing hat.”

And that’s the way it is, folks. Goodnight and good luck.