Tag: season 47

Seat Fillers

Will Smith… Chris Redd

Jerrod Carmichael

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with the Oscars intro]

[Cut to Will Smith sitting on a sofa. Jerrod walks to his seat behind Will Smith.]

Jerrod: Oh, no way. Will Smith? Excuse me, Mr. Smith. I know I’m not supposed to talk to you. I’m just the seat filler, but I wanted to say I am a huge fan man.

Will Smith: Thank you, man. That means a lot. Ha-ha.

Jerrod: I love all your movies. Pursuit of Happiness is so inspiring. I just showed it to my son.

Will Smith: I love that. That’s what it’s all about. Ha-ha.

Jerrod: No joke. Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It is still my ringtone to this day.

Will Smith: Ha-ha. That’s hilarious.

Jerrod: Hey, I don’t want to sound corny, but you’re like my hero. Man. This is the coolest night of my life. I mean, I’m talking to Will Smith. Chris Rock just got up on stage. Hey, can I get a selfie real quick?

Will Smith: Of course, yeah.

Chris Rock: Jada, I love you. GI Jane II, can’t wait to see it.

[Jerrod is trying to take a selfie with Will Smith]

Will Smith: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Ay, I’ll be right back, man.

[Will Smith walks to the stage. Jerrod is just looking at him. When there’s a smacking sound, Jerrod is shocked.]

[Will Smith walks back and takes the seat]

Will Smith: Ay, so where are you from, man?

[Jerrod is creeped out.]

Jerrod: Nowhere man.

Will Smith: I like your tux, man. By the way, look good feel good, am I right? Ha-ha. [yelling] Keep my wife’s name out your [bleep] mouth. [back to talking to Jerrod] Man, I love the Oscars, man. I love movies, man. I just saw Padding II. Honestly, best movie I ever see. I love that little bear man. One second. [yelling] Keep my wife’s name out your [bleep] mouth. [back to talking to Jerrod] So, how about that selfie, man? Come on.

Jerrod: Nah, that’s okay.

Will Smith: Ah, come on, man. Let’s do it.

Jerrod: No, I deleted my phone.

Will Smith: Alright. Well, enjoy the show, man.

[Kyle walks back to his seat next to Jerrod]

Kyle: Bathroom like is crazy. What did I miss? Oh my god, we’re right next to Will Smith? I’m gonna tweet this. And he is trending. [reads the tweets] Oh my god.

Will Smith: [talking to Kyle] Hey, nice to meet you man. I’m Will. What’s your name?

Kyle: I don’t– They didn’t give me one.

Will Smith: Oh, that’s weird. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Amy Schumer is being hilarious, right? Ay, who is your favorite comedian?

Jerrod: Chris– No one.

Will Smith: What?

Jerrod: I don’t think anything is funny.

Will Smith: [pointing at Kyle] What about you? Favorite comedian, man?

Kyle: Dori?

Will Smith: Who?

Kyle: Finding Dori.

Will Smith: Your favorite comedian is Finding Dori? Well, she is a funny fish, man. [yelling] Richard Williams was a fierce protector of his family.

Kyle: Okay.

Will Smith: I’m gonna say that in my speech, man.

Jerrod: Okay.

Will Smith: Okay, what else should I say?

Kyle: Love makes you do crazy things.

Will Smith: What was that?

Kyle: Love makes you do crazy things.

Will Smith: That’s good. I’ma use that. I’ma credit you.

Kyle: Please don’t.

Will Smith: Man, the last couple of years have been crazy. You know? With covid, zoom, [cracking voice] the red table talk. Y’all ever see the red table talk?

Jerrod: Nah, I’ve never heard of it.

Kyle: I haven’t seen anything.

[Jerrod’s phone rings. Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It is actually his ringtone.]

Will Smith: Ay! Don’t answer that, man. Let it ring. Everything is normal, y’all. [dancing]

Scattering Remains

Kyle Mooney

Mr. Klein… James Austin Johnson

Jerrod Carmichael

Andrew Dismukes

Mrs. Klein… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a group of adults mourning by the sea shore]

Kyle: Can’t believe he’s really gone.

Mr. Klein: He isn’t gone, son. Pop Pop will always live on inside of all of us.

Jerrod: That’s beautiful.

Andrew: Well said sir.

Mrs. Klein: Well, sweetie, are you ready to say goodbye?

Mr. Klein: Yeah. But first I want to share something with you guys. You know this spot was where Pop Pop would take me off to my ballgames. Believe it or not, I wasn’t much of an athlete. [giggling] Okay, okay. Ha-ha. But Pop Pop would take me here. He pointed out to the sea and say “Son, life is like the tide. There’s highs and lows, but eventually it all washes away.” Gonna miss you dad.

Jerrod: Wow. It’s a beautiful story, Mr. Klein. Thank you for sharing.

Andrew: And thank all of you for allowing us at Boudreau’s Mortuary to be a part of this moment with you.

Jerrod: Now, if you’re ready, please bow your heads as we scattered the remains.

[Kyle, Mr. Klein and Mrs. Klein bow their heads. Jerrod and Andrew carry the body on a wooden plank and throws the body to the sea.]

Mrs. Klein: Oh my god!

Mr. Klein: No! Oh god, no.

Andrew: These moments are always so hard. We’ll give you folks some space.

Mr. Klein: What? How did you just do?

Jerrod: We said goodbye to Pop Pop.

Mrs. Klein: He was supposed to be cremated?

Jerrod: Who was?

Mr. Klein: My father? He was supposed to be cremated. Not chunked off a cliff.

Andrew: Hmm.

Jerrod: Umm-hmm.

Andrew: Okay. So that was not related to us.

Jerrod: Yeah. But in a way, wasn’t this kind of better?

Andrew: Oh, speak on that.

Jerrod: Well, you got the body aspect of a burial but we still got to throw him.

Andrew: Yeah. Yeah, I liked that. Well, [pulls out the bill] time for the dreaded check. Who’s the boss around here? [pointing at Kyle] You I assume? Ha-ha-ha-ha. Just kidding, sport. Maybe some–

Kyle: [yelling] Do not touch me, man.

Andrew: Absolutely, sir. Whenever you’re ready. [passing the bill to Mr. Klein]

Mr. Klein: We’re not gonna pay for this.

Jerrod: Mm.

Andrew: Hmm.

Jerrod: May I ask why?

Mrs. Klein: You threw my father in law of a cliff?

Jerrod: Okay, see, I thought we resolved that.

Mr. Klein: No, we did not.

Mrs. Klein: Honey, calm down. Your condition.

Andrew: Okay, you know what? I feel like you guys are mad. So how about I just go get him?

[Andrew jumps off the cliff]

[Kyle, Mr. Klein and Mrs. Klein are shocked. Jerrod walks up to them.]

Jerrod: So what you guys got cooking up this weekend?

Mr. Klein: I really don’t want to talk about that.

[Jerrod pulls out an urn]

Mrs. Klein: Why don’t you bring an urn?

Jerrod: Oh, this? This isn’t an urn. It’s soup.

Mrs. Klein: You keep soup and an urn?

Jerrod: No, no, it’s a thermos. It looks like an urn. I got it at a morticians conference.

Andrew: [from down] I got him.

Jerrod: All right. Good job, man.

Andrew: What are you guys talking about?

Jerrod: They’re just asking about the urn.

Andrew: Oh, the thermos? Pretty good. Pretty cool, right?

Mr. Klein: No, it’s not cool. Jesus. Just get the body back.

Andrew: No worries. So I got pop pop right here.

Kyle: [looking down] That isn’t Pop Pop.

Mrs. Klein: That’s clearly a young cyclist. He’s wearing those little shoes.

Andrew: Umm. Mm-hmm. Okay. And that’s a deal breaker for you guys?

Mr. Klein: Yes.

Andrew: Alright. I’ll just put them back. [throws the body down again] So hey, you think I can get some of that soup?

Jerrod: Oh, hell yeah. Heads up. It’s shrimp bisque. [throws the thermos down]

PostCOVID Game Show

Lisa Something… Kate McKinnon

Derek… Jerrod Carmichael

Jennifer… Sarah Sherman

Victor… Bowen Yang

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: Now it’s time for your favorite post COVID Game Show.

Collective voice: Is My Brain Okay?

Male voice: With your host, Lisa Something.

[Cut to Lisa in the game show set]

Lisa: Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to the game all of us play every day, Is My Brain Okay? Whether it was the year in isolation, the two years without any semblance of society, or the virus itself physically shrinking our brains. One thing’s for sure, we got stupid. Before we get started, let’s meet our contestants. Derek from Queens. What do you do before COVID?

Derek: I was a Marketing Director for IBM.

Lisa: Um-hmm. And what do you do now?

Derek: Mushrooms?

Lisa: I get it. I took a bunch before the show. Jennifer from Indianapolis, tell us fun fact about yourself.

Jennifer: Good. Thank you. How are you?

Lisa: Oh-oh. And Victor from New Mexico. How are you feeling today?

Victor: Tired for no reason.

Lisa: Terrific. Now, you all know how the game works. Every answer is something you definitely knew before COVID. But does your brain still remember it? Let’s find out. First question. What is this called?

[The screen shows a picture of a wheelbarrow. The contestants are thinking.]

Remember? somebody used to carry things?

Jennifer: Bicycle.

Lisa: No. Let’s see it in a back yard.

Derek: Form bicycle.

Lisa: No. Got a wheel in the front?

Victor: Wheel monkey. Oh, sorry. Sorry. We were looking for wheelbarrow.

Derek: I knew that.

Lisa: You did. You did know that in 2019. Now it’s just a farm bicycle. Okay, next question. What day of the week is it?

Jennifer: That’s easy. Tuesday?

Lisa: Nope. Not even close.

Victor: What is Thursday?

Lisa: And you don’t have to phrase it as a question.

Victor: No, no, I was genuinely asking what is Thursday?

Lisa: Derrick, what day of the week is it?

Derek: Okay. I remember that yesterday was my birthday. And my best friend texted “Birthday on a Friday night dog? What we doing to celebrate?” And I got so anxious I didn’t respond and went to sleep before 5PM. So today must be Saturday.

Lisa: Correct. Yes. And bonus follow up, Derek. What month is it?

Derek: June.

Lisa: Oh, sorry, we would have accepted. February, March, April or May. But let’s put 100 points on the board for Derek. Whoever has the most points at the end, we’ll have that number of stem cells injected into their brain in the hopes of… What’s the word? The thing you do with cars?

Victor: Tyres.

Lisa: No. When the battery’s dead? You gotta like–

Derek: Sell the car.

Lisa: No. What you do with the cable.

Jennifer: Wheelbarrow.

Lisa: No. Jumpstart. The stem cells will jumpstart your brain again. Dammit, what is with me?

Victor: You’re depressed.

Lisa: No, no, no, no, I wasn’t really asking.

Jennifer: You never felt more alone.

Lisa: Stop guessing.

Derek: You want to call your therapist but she blocked your number. [right answer bell]

Lisa: Oh my god. How did you know that?

Derek: You just give off that exact aura.

Lisa: All right, let’s give Derek 100 more points, which means he’s unlocked a bonus question that involves a mystery guest. [Another guy named Derek walks in] Derek, who is this?

Derek: Oh, that’s easy. That’s one of my best friends from college.

Lisa: Uh-huh. And what’s his name?

Derek: He was one of my best friends.

Lisa: You said that. What’s his name?

Derek: I know some regular like, Greg or Steve. Right?

Another Derek: We lived together for three years, man.

Lisa: Sorry, Derek. The correct answer is Derek.

Derek: We got the same name?

Another Derek: That was our whole thing made, D-one D-two.

Derek: Damn. That’s really bad, man. I’m sorry. We should go get a drink sometime. Like catch up.

[Red light’s over the set]

Lisa: Oh-oh! The sound of someone inviting a friend to drinks when they have no intention of ever getting drinks, means we’re out of time. Let’s go to the final question to determine if your brain is okay? Contestants write down your answers please. If you have to talk to a person, what’s a good way to start? And go?

[The contestants are writing. Jennifer is licking the table.]

All right, let’s let’s see your idea of how to start a conversation? Jennifer, I noticed you wrote with your tongue.

Jennifer: Well, there’s still still one variant I haven’t gotten yet.

Lisa: Wow. Jennifer said “Let me be inside you now.” And Jennifer who do you imagine saying that to?

Jennifer: Anyone from strangers to parents.

Lisa: Okay, I’m sorry. That’s incorrect. Your brain not okay. Victor, how would you start a conversation? Let’s see. “Heaven must be missing an angel because when I woke up there was a glowing figure hovering over my bed. I guess it could have been a ghost. I’m worried I’m losing my grip on reality. Ha-ha-ha.”

Victor: I’ve given the ghost a name Blue Bar.

Lisa: Okay, well that’s that’s very incorrect. Your brain is also bad.

Victor: Ha-ha-ha. When you talk, all I picture is the skeleton inside your head.

Lisa: Well, Mama. Okay. Derrick, it’s down to you and you wrote “If you set the clock ahead, you don’t have to be alive as long.” And you know something? You’re right, Derek.

Derek: Oh my god, I won?

Lisa: That’s right. You came up with a great way to minimize the time we’re awake and alive. And you can choose your prize, a two week all inclusive trip to Hawaii or you can go back to your apartment and stay there.

Derek: Apartment.

Lisa: They always say apartment thanks for watching “Is My Brain Okay?” If you got to ask, it’s probably not. Goodnight.

Fox and Friends Cold Open

Steve Doocy… Alex Moffat

Brian Kilmeade… Mikey Day

Ainsley Earhardt… Heidi Gardner

Clarence Thomas… Kenan Thompson

Jenny Thomas… Kate McKinnon

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: You’re watching Fox and Friends.

[Cut to the show set. Steve Doocy, Brian Kilmeade and Ainsley Earhardt are sitting on a show couch.]

Steve Doocy: Good morning, Vietnam. Ha-ha. Welcome to Fox and Friends. That’s Brian kill me.

Brian Kilmeade: Hello.

Steve Doocy: The Ainsley ear and heart.

Ainsley Earhardt: Okay, y’all are gonna kill me with these jokes.

Steve Doocy: And I’m Steve Doocy here on this gorgeous 30 degree spring New York morning. What a hell hole of a city. Ha-ha-ha. Brian, how was the weekend?

Brian Kilmeade: Oh, very exciting, Steve. I got on True Srocial.

Ainsley Earhardt: Oh, President Trump’s exclusive new social media platform?

Steve Doocy: Yeah? Fancy. What’s it like?

Brian Kilmeade: You know, it’s funny. I downloaded the app, opened it in my phone immediately got very, very hot. Like over 140 degrees.

Steve Doocy: Wow, just from the app?

Brian Kilmeade: Yeah, burned my son actually. Anyway, True Social, five stars.

Ainsley Earhardt: Okay, guys. Speaking of truth, all right, crush of the week, Ted Cruz, absolutely wiped the floor with Ketanji Brown Jackson last week by waving a children’s book at her.

Steve Doocy: So powerfully.

Brian Kilmeade: Fatality.

Steve Doocy: I’m sorry, Miss Jackson, but I am foe the First Amendment.

Ainsley Earhardt: All right, here to talk about that and the Supreme Court are two friends of ours handling their own little controversy this week, Justice Clarence and Jenny Thomas.

[Clarence Thomas and Jenny Thomas walk in and take seats]

Clarence Thomas: Ha-ha. Alright.

Jenny Thomas: Hello, friends.

Ainsley Earhardt: Well, first off, honorable Justice Thomas, you were just in the hospital? Is that right?

Clarence Thomas: Ha-ha-ha. That’s what they say.

Ainsley Earhardt: Yeah? So what’s going on? You feeling okay?

Clarence Thomas: I guess we’ll see.

Steve Doocy: Yeah, for saying you had COVID, but not true, right. Justice T?

Clarence Thomas: Oh, anything is possible.

Brian Kilmeade: Justice Thomas always playing close to the vest. I respect that. Now, Jenny, the left is currently losing their minds over a couple of completely normal texts you sent to your pal Mark Meadows on January Jeanine Pirro, is that right?

Jenny Thomas: It sure is.

Steve Doocy: And now they want the honorable justice to recuse himself. I mean, you’re allowed to speak your mind.

Jenny Thomas: Yes. And I don’t want any trouble. I take my duty as the Yoko Ono of the Supreme Court very seriously. All I want is a tidal wave of biblical vengeance to wash away the Biden crime family all the way to get well, and then we release the kraken.

Brian Kilmeade: Okay, well, that is terrific.

Steve Doocy: Uh-huh. Justice Thomas, she doesn’t talk to you about this stuff though, right?

Clarence Thomas: Ha-ha-ha. Some say yes, some say no.

Steve Doocy: Well, Justice T, it’s so great to have someone here who isn’t afraid to tell us what he really thinks.

Clarence Thomas: Who?

Steve Doocy: Well, you of course, sir.

Clarence Thomas: Ha-ha-ha. You’re crazy, man.

Ainsley Earhardt: Alright. Great. Well, thank you both so much. Now later this afternoon on Fox, it’s The Five, let’s check in with co-host judge Jeanine Pirro to see what’s in store.

[Cut to Jeanine Pirro]

Jeanine Pirro: Hello, my only friends. Later on The Five, Disney has an exciting new project, turning your kindergartner gay. Last week, Governor DeSantis signed a bill protecting our precious Florida schools from America’s dangerous Ellen’s and Caitlin’s. By the way, Caitlyn Jenner, welcome to the Fox News family. Now, well, Disney won’t stop until all of Disney World is packed with twinkerbells, Cinder fellas and that gay Mr. Toad.

Then representative Madison Cawthorn. Oh, Madison, you had me at white supremacy. You lost me at arching. And Kyle Rittenhouse to abuse his new cookbook, coming up on The Five.

[Cut back to the show set. Clarence Thomas and Jenny Thomas have left.]

Steve Doocy: Well, thank you so much. Judge. That sounds terrific as always.

Jeanine Pirro: You bet. [Opens up a can of beer and drinks] Salut.

[Cut back to the show set]

Brian Kilmeade: Yeah, love that. Now this is exciting. I’m hearing we actually have a surprise on the line. Am I correct?

Ainsley Earhardt: Oh-oh. Is he here? Hello? Mr. President. Are you on FaceTime?

Donald Trump: If you build it, I will come. Hello, friends. Can you see me?

Steve Doocy: Mr. President? Wow, what a treat. Thanks for fitting us into your busy schedule.

Donald Trump: Oh very busy, Steve, here at Mar-a-Lago with the golf for the wedding receptions and getting gloves of bacon with dogs at breakfast bar.

Brian Kilmeade: Well, so much to discuss but I gotta ask sir, Did you see the famous slap?

Donald Trump: You know, I did see slap. I enjoyed slap. I was very impressed by Hitch. Quite an arm on Hitch. I always knew Hitch had an arm. Back in pursuit of happiness, he’s lugging the machine on and off the subway. I thought it was great. They slept in the bathroom in that movie. It’s so sad. It’s so sad. But it’s a sad day for Hitch too. It’s a very sad. That kind of behavior is not gonna help Kevin James get a date with [gibberish]

Brian Kilmeade: Absolutely, Amen to that sir.

Ainsley Earhardt: Now sir, the January sixth committee hearing is gearing up to make all sorts of claims. So let’s just put this to rest. Did you commit a coup, sir?

Donald Trump: No, no. You know what? There was no coup. It was an event, perhaps a take back event a coup perhaps. But I don’t like coup. I just don’t like coup. I don’t like the P at the end of coup. I think you should take that P and push it. Well, pushing P. Of course if you take off P from coup, you have cow which goes moo, which you know perhaps that’s where they get coup. But Doo-ku-who-do? You do. Do what? Remind me of the bay. But yes, in many ways it wasn’t intentional planned coup. Yes.

Ainsley Earhardt: Right. Okay.

Steve Doocy: But they’re saying there’s this seven hour gap and Whitehouse call logs that day. I mean, you didn’t use a burner phone, did you sir?

Donald Trump: No, not true. Never use burner phone except for perhaps January 6 during that seven. I couldn’t even tell you what a burner phone looks like. Honestly, I was too busy with phone call and burner phone and coup.

Brian Kilmeade: Okay, gotcha. But let’s be real sir. The left wants to paint January 6 as some violent revolution. It wasn’t.

Donald Trump: Could have been, should have been, maybe. Violent is perhaps. They used to do violent all the time. You line up the opponents, you go bang-bang-bang, shoot them dead. So easy. So many problems. So many problems. You shoot them dead with a big fat beautiful uncircumcised gun. Now that’s what I call a coup. Hey, by the way, did you hear this? I got it all in one? Did anybody hear that?

Steve Doocy, Brian Kilmeade and Ainsley Earhardt: Yes! Yes!

Ainsley Earhardt: Congrats sir. Please tell us about it.

Donald Trump: You know I’d love to, but my phone is getting very, very hot to the touch right now?

Brian Kilmeade: You’ve got True Social, sir.

Donald Trump: Yes indeed. True Social, the only app with a smell.

Steve Doocy: Well, thank you so much, sir. We’ll be right back. And…

Steve Doocy, Brian Kilmeade and Ainsley Earhardt: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Baby Clothes

Bowen Yang

Jerrod Carmichael

Chloe Fineman

Chris Redd

Andrew Dismukes

Cara.. Heidi Gardner

[Starts with adults enjoying watching their babies]

Bowen: Cara, It’s  so sweet. You got these onesies for all the kids.

Cara: You know he’s gonna be a heartbreaker just like his dad.

Chloe: Oh, look, they’re like a tiny little baby couple.

Chris: Or, not to assume. Maybe that’s weird for you guys.[Because Bowen and Jerrod are a gay couple] Sorry.

Bowen: No, we think it’s cute.

Female voice: You love seeing your little one as a future heartbreaker. But what if you don’t want to assume your baby’s going to be straight? Now you don’t have to. With the new “Born This Way” line from Osh Kosh F*Gosh. Your little Tyke will look adorable without being so exclusive. With sayings like “Future twink”, “Lil Lez”, “Messy DJ” and “In the closet because I can’t walk.”

Cara: Doesn’t he look great. I pray to God My son is gay.

Chris: I know. I would love that.

Female voice: Born This Way has designes your baby will love. Like wordplay.

Chloe: Rock-a-bi baby.

Cara: My mommy had a daddy.

Female voice: Political statemets.

Chris: I love milk… Harvey Milk. Rip.

Jerrod: Silence equals violence but crying equals hungry.

Bowe: Alexander Hamilton was a turf.

Female voice: And Butch.

Andrew: Aw, that is this? A tiny belt loop or a ring of keys? The slaves.

Chris: Some parents force their kids to wear a little sports jerseys. My son can be whoever he wants.

Jerrod: Imagine boxing a child into something that doesn’t feel right. I would hate that.

Cara: It’s so archaic to pierce your baby’s ears for baptism. Our kids will never have to confirm to something they don’t want. Thanks, Born This Way.

Chloe: Aw, it looks like they’re dating.

Andrew: Oh please, they’re not exclusive. You know how gay guys are.

Female voice: Born This Way, from Osh Kosh F*gosh. Oh relax, it’s not like they can read.

Angelo Wedding

Angelo… Aristotle Athari

Bride… Cecily Strong

Groom… Alex Moffat

Meg… Sarah Sherman

Jake… Jerrod Carmichael

[stars with an announcer announcing the performer]

Announcer: Next up, we have a special treat, as a gift from the bride’s parents, they have booked her favorite artist, I can’t believeI get to say this. Ladies and gentlemen, international singing sensation, Angelo.

[Cheers and applause]

[Angelo is sitting on a chair alone on a spotlight.]

Angelo: Hello, everybody. Happy wedding. For all days.

[The bride is excited about the performer.]

Bride: Yes! Oh, my God, Angelo! He’s actually here!

Groom: Wait, what is this? Who’s Angelo?

Bride: He’s just my all time favorite. Angelo does covers of, like, any song you want and re-imagines it in the most beautiful and honestly enlightening way. Okay, shh. No, he’s starting.

Angelo: Love for this today in air. Always. Can I get one suggest?

Bride: Stevie, give him a song to play.

Groom: What? Oh, sweet. OK, uh, how about “Brown-Eyed Girl?”

Angelo: ♪S-Say, say it for me?

Groom: Yeah, uh, Brown-Eyed Girl.

[Now, Angelo is lying on the chair.]

Angelo: S-say it for me?

Groom: Brown-Eyed Girl.

Angelo: Brow for Ba-fa-ra-bas [gibberish].

[singing] If I ever see it like that for me

Then I don’t like that

If I ever see it like this for me

Tonight

Thank you for this.

Bride: I mean… Okay, can you believe that? Angelo, bringing the house down at my wedding.

Groom: Oh, yeah. That didn’t sound like “Brown-Eyed Girl” though.

Bride: OK, oh, good one, sweetheart.

Angelo: I — Water for this — [clears throat]

[A weird looking girl walks to him with a glass of water]

Groom: Who is that?

Bride: What? That’s his assistant, Meg. She’s a billionaire.

[Meg is sprinkling water to Angelo with her fingers and Angelo is trying to get water using his tongue.]

Angelo: Another song for this to play.

Bride: Yes! Come on, Steve, do it, sweetheart. Let’s do something fun.

Groom: Okay, um, I guess Prince. Let’s do “1999”.

Angelo: Say for me?

Groom: Come on, man. “1999.”

Angelo: “2002.”

[singing] If I ever see it like that for me

[Melodic gibberish]

If I ever see that for me, like this

tonight 

Thank you for this.

Bride: Oh, my God. God. Even, like, most people won’t even attempt to do a Prince cover.

Groom: Yeah, I’m not sure he did.

Angelo: Now because love and special for tonight, I bring drum here.

[5 walks in with a set of drum.]

Bride: No! Oh, my God, no — no way!

Groom: What? Who is that?

Bride: That’s Jake, the Pride of Ghana. He’s what vulture called “why the world fell in love with drums again.”

Groom: Jake? Why do they have such boring names.

Bride: Oh, I don’t know. Why don’t you ask them, Steve?

Jake: For drums, I need song.

Angelo: For party, one suggest.

Groom: What is happening?

Bride: I’m sorry, do you even hear yourself? I’m sorry they’re not Bon Jovi, you ignorant himbo.

Groom: Himbo?! Okay. I’ll give them a song to play. “At Last.”

Angelo and Jake: S-Say for us?

“At Last.”

Angelo and Jake: [gibberish]

Angelo: Drums for this.

Jake: Come on, now! [Hits the drum randomly]

Angelo: Thank you for this.

Groom: No, no, no, two drum hits? Bum-bum? Why is that good?

Bride: Bum-bum. Bum-bum, moron! It’s a heartbeat. The heartbeat of the people of Ghana.

Bride: What?

Jake: Another song for one.

Angelo: Yes. Do it for this.

Groom: Okay, you know what? I’ve obviously ruined everything, so let me try to make it up to you, okay, babe? Uh, it’s the song that we heard the night that we met. How about “I Got a Feeling?”

Jake: “I Got a Feeling.”

Angelo: Black-Eyed Pea-Pea.

Groom: Whoa, alright.

Angelo: [singing] I got a feeling

Jake: Come on, now! [Hits the drum randomly]

Angelo: That toniiiiight’s gonna be a good night

Jake: Come on, now! [Hits the drum randomly]

Angelo: That toniiiiight’s gonna be a good night

Jake: Come on, now! [Hits the drum randomly]

Angelo: Toooooooonight

Jake: Thank you for this.

Angelo: Thank you for this.

Groom: Wow. Alright, that’s incredible. I get it now. I get it! Yeah.

Zoë Kravitz Monologue

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Zoë Kravitz.

[Zoë Kravitz walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Zoë Kravitz: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It is so fantastic to be here. I’m your host Zoë Kravitz. I currently have a new movie out called “The Batman”. In the movie I play Cat Woman. Sorry, The Cat Woman. To prepare for the role. I watched the movie Musical Cats every day for a year which I actually heard was the same way Joaquin Phoenix prepared to play the Joker.

[Kate McKinnon walks in wearing the old Cat Woman outfit.]

Kate: So, are you talking about cats?

Zoë Kravitz: I was. I was just doing my monologue. You’re also Catwoman?

Kate: Yes. I’m Cat Woman from the 90s. The one with the whip. You know, like cats have. So you’re part of a proud lineage of Cat Woman, each with their own origin story. Do you want to know mine?

Zoë Kravitz: Yeah, yeah. What’s your’s?

Kate: Okay. I fell out of a window onto a pile of cats. They licked me back to life. And now I just like Sandy from a porno version of Greece. It’s still cold, Greece.

Zoë Kravitz: Cool. Well, thank you. It’s great to have some fellow Cat Woman support. I should probably get back to the–

Kate: No, hang on. We have to fire up the cat signal.

Zoë Kravitz: I’m sorry, cat signal.

Kate: Yeah. For anytime you need a Cat Woman. Behold.

[Kate turns on the cat signal like the bat signal of Batman up in the sky]

Zoë Kravitz: Oh, I love that it’s a noble cat ready to pounce off the ledge.

Kate: Or it’s doing its business in the litter box.

[Ego Nwodim walks in wearing another Cat Woman outfit]

Ego: Hello. I saw the signal. Is someone in danger?

Zoë Kravitz: Oh, yeah. You’re Cat Woman too?

Ego: Intuitively, I was the first black Cat Woman.

Zoë Kravitz: Yeah, right? Yes. Eartha Kitt from the 1960s TV version.

Ego: Yet people called it can’t be turned out, it was just super gay.

Kate: And be glad your outfit isn’t latex because this is how I sneak up on bad guys. Ready?

[When Kate moves, her outfit makes squeaking sound.]

Zoë Kravitz: Wow. You know it actually does feel really nice having all this Cat Woman energy up here but I should really get back to the monologue. So can we turn this cat signal off before–

[Aidy Bryant walks in wearing casual outfit but with a cart full of cats]

Aidy: Before me? Hell no.

Zoë Kravitz: Another Cat woman.

Aidy: Yeah, more of a cat lady I guess. Yes, this is my husband. Sorry cat. And we’re here to meet Rosalia. Do you take me to her? How does that work?

Zoë Kravitz: I don’t think I can do that right now. I have to post the show.

Aidy: Oh yeah, sure I get it. You know, I’ve hosted the show dozens of times, in my mind where it’s called Saturday Night cats.

Zoë Kravitz: Not Caturday Night Live?

Aidy: Dang it. Okay, wow, I was really not expecting to meet so many cat people. And not that I don’t love it but maybe that’s enough.

Ego: Even if the next one is Doja Cat?

Zoë Kravitz: Oh my god, is she here?

Chris: No. But it’s me. It’s I, Katt Williams.

Zoë Kravitz: Oh, come on. You’re not even a woman.

Chris: I am a lover of women. Meow. And if I wanted to meet Rosalia, how would i–

Zoë Kravitz: Seriously, is there an off button somewhere?

Aidy: Oh, but the cat signal brought us all together.

Ego: And right now the world needs as many Cat Women…

Chris: and Williams’s.

Ego: …as it can get.

Kate: Now let’s go fight some crime.

Zoë Kravitz: Okay, it looks like that’s done. So I can finally say what I’ve been trying to say. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Rosalia is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

Word Crunch

Jean Baby… Andrew Dismukes

Cara… Zoë Kravitz

Sheila… Aidy Bryant

Dave… Aristotle Athari

Chris… Sarah Sherman

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: You’re watching the game show network. Remember how Richard Dawson would kiss entire family? Well, you do now. But first. It’s Word Crunch.

[Cut to the show set]

Jean: Hello and welcome back to Word Crunch. I’m your host, Jean Baby. Say hello to our contestants, Cara, Sheila and Dave.

Cara: Hi, there.

Sheila: Happy to be here.

Dave: Whooo!

Jean: All right. Game is simple. We’ll show you a bunch of letters and those letters, some make words. Find those words, you get points. And those points is money. Wow. Okay, sorry, folks. There’s a writer strike. So our sound engineer wrote all this herself. Thanks, Chris.

Chris: It was my pleasure. Maybe one day you’ll let me host, huh? Love you, Jean.

Jean: Alright, contestants, let’s pull up our first word crunch. Do you see a word? Just shout it out. Your time starts now.

Sheila: Ah. Oh, okay. I see “Happy”.

Jean: You got it. Five points.

Dave: I see “Cat”.

Jean: Great, three points.

Cara: I see “Momhole”.

[Wrong answer buzzer]

Jean: Sorry about that, Cara. No points. But there’s still time. Keep guessing.

Dave: Dog.

Jean: Nice three points for Dave.

Cara: Oh, I’ve got one. Momhole.

Jean: Yeah, no, again, Cara. Maybe Stop guessing momhole. Okay, we cannot accept momhole.

Cara: Why not?

Jean: That’s a few reasons. For one, it’s two words. If you can do ‘mom’ and then after that you could say ‘hole’.

Cara: But I want to connect them.

Jean: Well, you can’t. Please get something else.

Cara: Momhole.

Jean: Okay, yeah. I told you not to say that.

Cara: No, no, no. Not that one. The other one.

Jean: Why are there two?

Cara: I don’t know, Jean. This isn’t my game.

Sheila: I’ve got one. I see Apple.

Jean: That’s great, five points.

Cara: Okay, so wait. Let me get this straight. She says apple which is five points and you think that’s cool. But when I say momhole which is seven I get nothing? This isn’t fair.

Jean: Well Apple is a real thing, so…

Cara: So is momhole. You may not want to think about it but they have them. So..

Sheila: I’ve actually got another one. Pothole.

Jean: Great, that’s seven points.

Cara: Okay, sorry, but if I had said pothole that would have counted?

Jean: Yes.

Cara: Okay great. So, momhole. All right, I don’t understand. I don’t.

Jean: You know what? Let’s just get a new puzzle up here please.

Cara: Am I allowed to guess?

Jean: Yeah, sure. As long as it’s not momhole.

Cara: No problem. Himhole.

Jean: No.

Cara: Gay4hole?

Jean: Oh, there’s a 4 on the board.

Cara: Jacksonhole.

Jean: What?

Cara: Holefoods.

Jean: Please don’t.

Cara: Myhole. Cornhole.

Jean: Come on!

Cara: And Mmmhole.

Jean: Okay, that is not Mmmhole. It’s just three M’s and then a hole. What is Mmmhole?

Cara: You know. Mmm, like yummy. Like I’m excited for that hole.

Jean: Oh my god. Chris, what is with these word searches?

Chris: Look. It’s hard to think of this many words. I mean, you do Apple, Happy, Dog. And after that, it’s like what’s left besides Momhole?

Jean: Chris, it’s easy. I told you to just write what you know.

Chris: Oh! I thought you said write what you have. I am a mom and…

Jean: Right. Okay, we get it. All right. You guys know what? Let’s just get a new puzzle up here and no more hole stuff.

Dave: I don’t want to get in trouble but I do see “Porn”.

Jean: Okay, well, except that. Four points.

Cara: Okay, Momporn.

Jean: No.

Cara: What is your problem with mom?

Jean: Do you see anything else?

Sheila: Friend.

Dave: Beach.

Cara: Scissoring.

Sheila: Cloud.

Dave: Water.

Cara: Balls. Lick. Butt. Slit. Blow. Gag. Juice. Titty. Horny. Porny. And time.

Jean: Okay. I don’t care anymore. Fine. Let’s just do our last puzzle.

[All the letters are ‘B’, and in the center, there’s “Dadhole”.]

Sheila:  I see one.

Jean: Yeah, I’m sure you do.

Sheila: Is it okay if I say it?

Jean: Yeah, just say it.

Sheila: Bbb.

Jean: That’s dumb. All right. Well, this has been the pilot of Word Crunch to the network. Please do not pick us up for a whole season. Goodnight.

White House TikTok Meeting Cold Open

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

Chloe Fineman

Kenan Thompson

Aidy Bryant

Melissa Villaseñor

Andrew Dismukes

Jen Psaki… Kate McKinnon

Bowen Yang

[Starts with a video message]

Male voice: This week as the warring Ukraine intensified, access to Facebook and Instagram in the country were shut off leaving only one source of information, TikTok. So on Thursday, the White House responded by holding a national security briefing with some of the nation’s top TikTok creators. We take you now inside that historic meeting.

[Cut to TikTok creators inside White House with President Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Thank you all so much for coming and answering your nation’s call in time and need.

TikToker 1: Oh, yeah, sure.

TikToker 2: Hey, no problem.

TikToker 3: I’m 14.

TikToker 4: Our schedules are super flexible.

TikToker 5: Yeah. And we love White House.

Jason Derulo: [singing] Jason Derulo.

Joe Biden: I also want to thank my Press Secretary Jen Psaki for having the vision to set this up.

Jen Psaki: I suggested it as a joke and then it actually happened.

Joe Biden: People are saying this is the first war fought on TikTok which is tough for me because I’m the landline of presidents. That’s why I need you. Okay. I understand Putin. I understand war. There’s one thing I don’t understand, computer.

Jen Psaki: He means technology but he says computer.

Joe Biden: Computer very mean to me. Computer always asked to run an update right when I turn computer on. Whenever I type in “Malarkey”, Computer say “Did you mean magenta?”

Jen Psaki: The point is we need fresh ideas from you guys about how we can win the information war on social media. So yeah, you.

TikToker 1: Hey, guys, I’m an actress from the CW.

Joe Biden: Great, what’s your name?

TikToker 1: Actress from the CW. And while Putin might have tanks and bombs, there’s something even more powerful we can attack him with, poems.

Jen Psaki: Oh, no, it’s that girl.

TikToker 1: [music playing in the background]

Dear Vladimir Putin. If I was your mother, I would have loved you more. If I was your wife, I would have been so, so, so mad at you. If I was your baby brother, I–

Jen Psaki: Thank you. Thank you. I think– yeah, we got it. Do you have any actual useful suggestions?

TikToker 1: Sure. Here are five ways to stop the war in Ukraine. [dancing]

Joe Biden: What’s happening? Do you see anything?

Jen Psaki: I think she’s expecting text to show up.

Joe Biden: All right. Then you, what’s your thing?

TikToker 5: Oh, me? Let’s just say I do raps and pranks. Maybe you’ve heard of my squad “The BooBoo boys”.

Jen Psaki: I think you know the President has never heard of the BooBoo boys.

Joe Biden: Wait a second. The BooBoo boys? Don’t you live in the Crenshaw house with one nut Kevin and dumbass Larry?

TikToker 5: Ha-ha-ha. Oh, we got a BooBoo head.

Joe Biden: Y’all, y’all, one time they prank the dude and threw him down five flights of stairs. It was hilarious.

Jen Psaki: That sounds like an amazing hobby.

TikToker 5: Yeah, we made $30 million last year.

Jen Psaki: God, I hate this world. Did you have a plan for how to defeat Putin?

TikToker 5: Yeah, I’m cooking some up.

Jen Psaki: Is it pushing him down a flight of stairs?

TikToker 5: It is.

Jen Psaki: All right. That’s cool. What about you?

Jason Derulo: Jason Derulo.

Jen Psaki: Yeah, I know. That’s your name. What do you do?

Jason Derulo: Jason Derulo.

Jen Psaki: I’m skipping you. You’re You’re skipped.

Jason Derulo: Jason Derulo.

Joe Biden: Hey. How about your little girl? You look incredibly cute.

TikToker 3: Me? Thank you. I do silly animal makeup for kids.

Joe Biden: Well, that’s adorable. Oh, what do you think we could do to win this war?

TikToker 3: Oh, you mean the one started by your son Hunter Biden? With his pal that Burisma? Where’s the laptop? Is he in this room?

Jen Psaki: Okay, thank you. Thank you, honey.

Joe Biden: You don’t expect the animal makeup girl to be all right. Who’s this random middle aged guy?

TikToker 2: Oh, yeah. Hello. My name is Charles F. Emilio. I’m a roofer from Pittsburgh.

Joe Biden: Why are you here?

TikToker 2: I don’t know. I suspect you may have confused me for Charli D’Amelio, the Joe BidenJason Derulo year old girl with Joe BidenTikToker 20 million followers on the TikTok.

Jen Psaki: That sounds right.

TikToker 2: So I tell you what, I’m gonna head out. But first, you don’t have to have an extra one of those COVID Steamy chicks laying around by any chance. Do you?

Joe Biden: I’m afraid not.

Jen Psaki: We don’t, I’m sorry.

TikToker 2: All right. All right. Well, good luck with the World War and not that you care what a roofer thinks about Putin, but maybe you should put someone up on a roof and ping-pong-pow-pow-pow. [Hand gesture showing shooting with gun] Y’all have a good one.

Joe Biden: Thank you.

Jen Psaki: All right, it’s down to you. What do you do?

TikToker 4: Who, me? Oh, I just go up behind people on the street with this weird pipe thing and I go “Munanyo. Chupapi munanyo!”

Joe Biden: What would you do about Ukraine?

TikToker 4: Um, I would go up behind the Russian tanks and go “Munanyo. Chupapi munanyo!”

Jen Psaki: How did you get here today?

TikToker 4: You flew me first class from California. And on the plane I went up behind the pilot and said “Munanyo. Chupapi munanyo!”

Joe Biden: That’s actually the best plan I’ve heard so far.

[TikToker 7 walks in]

TikToker 7: Hang on. You haven’t heard from me. Sorry, I’m late guys. Some reason security was giving me a hard time.

Joe Biden: Okay, this is awesome. Who the heck are you?

TikToker 7: Oh, I’m just that guy who does a bunch of insane tricks using the toilet plunger stuck to my nipples. In terms of the most famous people on TikTok, it’s like me and Reese Witherspoon.

Jen Psaki: We were actually about to wrap this meeting up because it was clearly a bad idea.

TikToker 7: Hey, don’t do that. Don’t just yank the plunger off the nipple like that. The idea of asking TikTok stars how to fight Russia might sound like a joke. Remember, they said the same thing about the radio and World War II. Never underestimate the importance of new technology. We haven’t reaches young people in ways you can never understand. TikTok is in some childish gimmick. It has more power and more influence than the nightly news.

Joe Biden: That was truly inspiring, young man.

TikToker 7: I’m 55. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna move this plunger to my crotch attach a knife at the end and try to slice an apple in half. God bless America.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Weekend Update Russias Fake News Law DeSantis Calls Disney a Woke Corporation

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of coronavirus at left top corner.]

This week marks two years since the beginning of the first COVID lockdown. And let’s just say some people have handled the stress better than others. [picture changes to Vladimir Putin] Russia has passed a fake news law that makes it illegal for any organization to report information that contradicts what the government says, which explains the recent headline – 6’5″ Putin not insane.

President Biden downplay the possibility of US military intervention saying we will not fight the third world war in Ukraine. And I understand, but it’s hard to stand by and watch Putin bombing things like schools, or maternity ward, and I’m just going to assume puppy daycare centers. The situation is so upsetting that I’ve honestly thought about marching down to the nearest army enlistment office and signing Che up.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a list of gas price at right top corner.]

Michael Che: After the US ban on Russian oil gas prices hit a record high of $4.30 a gallon which is so expensive that America, we might have to move back in with our ex. [Picture changes to map of Iraq.] Come on, Iraq, you know we never stopped loving you baby.

Russia has responded to sanctions by banning the export of Russian made cars, but a Russian made car was just a drunk bear on rollerskates.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Vladimir Putin and Starbucks logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Starbucks has responded to the invasion of Ukraine by shutting down its locations in Russia in hopes of sending a message to President [picture changes to a Starbucks cup with wrong name written on it] Vanderpump Rintin.

[Picture changes to McDonald’s outlet]

After McDonald’s announced they would stop doing business in their country, Russians have begun hoarding their sandwiches, including some honorary Russians. [Picture changes to Donald Trump in a room full of sandwiches]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a news article that says “Bill to make lynching federal hate crime” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Congress passed a bill that makes lynching a federal hate crime punishable by up to 30 years in prison. And they’re not messing around. You can get 150 days for just making one up. [Picture changes to an article saying “Jussie Smollett sentenced to 150 days in jail.]

[Picture changes to Disney logo]

Disney employees were upset that the company took so long to condemn Florida’s proposed ‘Don’t say gay’ bill, although at Disney, they actually don’t say gay. They say Timon and Pumbaa.

[Picture changes to Ron DeSantis at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Florida Governor Ron DeSantis seen here waving COVID into the club, he attacked Disney for hosing the state’s ‘Don’t say gay’ bill calling the company a woke Corporation. Disney denied the claims of wokeness with roughly 90 years of cartoons.