Tag: season 47

Weekend Update Queen Moves Out of Buckingham Palace Box of Heads Stolen

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of “The Gilded Age” show logo at right top corner]

Michael Che: The new HBO show “Gilded Age” is being praised for highlighting wealthy black families that lived in New York in the late 1800s, until they were driven out by wealthy industrialist Colin Jost I (Colin Jost the first). [Picture changes to an edited photo of Colin Jost from 1800s].

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Buckingham Palace at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that Queen Elizabeth II has permanently moved out of Buckingham Palace and this is weird, in with John Mayer. [Picture changes to edited picture of John Mayer and Queen Elizabeth II.]

[Picture changes to an article that says “Box of heds stolen from truck” at left top corner.]

Thief in Colorado broke into a truck and stole a box of human heads. Even more disturbing, it was an Arby’s truck.

Male voice: [commercial] Arby’s, we have the human heads.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of John Travolta and Lupita Nyong’o at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Produces for this year’s Oscars announced that presenters will include John Travolta and Lupita Nyong’o, or as Travolta calls her, the wickedly talented Lucrecia Bonobos.

[Picture changes to a laptop]

New report shows that during the pandemic meth users met online to use the drug together, mostly on the popular meth user app, Tooth Grindr. You get it?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of rivers, mountains and trees at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The US government announced that it would rename more than 600 rivers, mountains and other landmarks that use a racial slur for Native American women. Wow. So we changed those names but they can still just call a restaurant Cracker Barrel?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marked on 8th March, Michael Che0Michael CheMichael Che at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Tuesday was International Women’s Day . So hopefully you remember to smile.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Scientists could bring back extinct rat” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Scientists are saying that by using new gene editing technology, they could bring back the extinct Christmas Island rat… or not! The other option is not.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a train at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A video has gone viral of a man urinating on a New York City subway while other passengers appeared not to care, but they were probably too nervous to say something because I’m on TV.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a cartoon that says “I need a new butt!” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: An Assistant Principal in elementary school in Mississippi was fired after he read the class a children’s book “I need a new butt!”. The book is about a lovable rabbit who just ate at Chipotle.

Weekend Update Dan Bulldozer on the Impact of Social Media

Michael Che

Dan Bulldozer… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Recent study showed that social media is making young people unhappy and insecure about their own lives. Here to comment is lifestyle influencer Dan Bulldozer.

[Dan Bulldozer slides in]

Dan Bulldozer: Great, man, what’s going on? Y’all gotta legit set up.

Michael Che: Thanks. Yeah. So, Dan, you’re super rich and you just show off your crazy life on Instagram, right?

Dan Bulldozer: Something like that. Yeah. So I basically wanted life, straight up. Just like parties on the yacht, vapes everywhere, snowboarding with like, a bazooka. My life is insane.

Michael Che: Yeah, that’s cool, man.

Dan Bulldozer: Che, asked me how many girls I’m dating right now.

Michael Che: How many girls are you dating?

Dan Bulldozer: 940?

Michael Che: Okay, cool, man.

Dan Bulldozer: It is cool. I agree. So yeah, I’m dating the 900 girls. I got the new book, which like, why is writing so easy? You just have to type it out.

Michael Che: You’re writing a book?

Dan Bulldozer: Yeah, man. It’s kind of like Hemmingway, but for guys. That’s me writing about my struggles with shirts.

Michael Che: So it’s like a memoir.

Dan Bulldozer: Yeah, it’s the moving story of me stacking cash, blowing clouds and changing the world through positivity. It’s called Ass Book.

Michael Che: Wow, that’s good for you. And I gotta ask, despite all the success, how do you stay so down to earth?

Dan Bulldozer: Let me put it this way. Do you know the ancient story of the farmer and the crow?

Michael Che: No, I don’t think I do.

Dan Bulldozer: Ah! So it’s like, farmer has three dogs. He’s a very wise farmer. First dog goes to the farmer and says “I saw a crow.” Farmer says “Maybe.” Second dog goes the farmer says, “Dad. I saw a crow.” Daddy says, “Maybe.” Then the crow goes to like an old maid or just like a cobbler. And then the first girl– I’m trying to remember.

Michael Che: Hey, are you alright, Dan?

Dan Bulldozer: Yeah, yeah, just the point of the story is like, everything is just insane!

Michael Che: Okay, that’s it?

Dan Bulldozer: I think so.

Michael Che: Hey, man. Are you happy?

Dan Bulldozer: No, no.

Michael Che: Dan Bulldozer, everybody.

Dan Bulldozer: My life is crazy.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Princess and The Frog

Cecily Strong

Princess… Zoë Kravitz

Frog… Chris Redd

Dr. Facilier… Kenan Thompson

Firefly… Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with the channel intro]

Female voice: You’re watching Disney minus, the movies Disney doesn’t really promote as much. We now return to The Princess and the Frog.

[Cut to the show]

Cecily: [singing] Tale as old as 09′
takes place in a bar
Princess finally black
Why the plot so wack
Princess and the Frog

[Cut to the princess. There’s a frog on her table.]

Princess: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think I’ve fallen in love with a frog.

Frog: I know it’s crazy, right? I’m like this frog and you’re like this princess. But I guess it’s true what they say. Love is Love is love. I hope I’m not being too forward, Tiana, but will you kiss me?

Princess: Of course I will. Because love conquers all.

Frog: Exactly. You love me for me. You don’t care. And I’m a frog and frogs don’t have penises.

Princess: What was that?

Frog: It’s just a scientific fact. Frogs don’t have penises, but she don’t care. And that’s why I love you.

Princess: Yeah, for sure. And is that something that everybody just knows?

Frog: I think it’s out there. Yeah. It’s one of the first thing that comes out when you google frog penis. You know what? Let’s just kiss and get married. If we could tackle the whole no penis thing, lady.

Princess: Sorry. If you don’t have a penis, what do you have?

Frog: Oh, it’s every woman’s dream. I got balls that just shoot stuff directly on you. No pesky pain is getting in the way.

Princess: Oh, wow.

Frog: Yeah, it’s like they always say. Who needs a straw when I can just throw the milkshake right in your face? Now how about that kiss?

Princess: Yeah, I don’t know. I might have to rethink this a bit.

Frog: Oh, come on. Size doesn’t matter.

Princess: I think it does when it’s zero. How do you even have sex?

Frog: Oh, I’ll explain in great details. You see I climb on your back like this, and I wrap my arms around your body. And then I stay there for two days and I croak loudly in your ear until you lay your eggs. How many eggs do you lay typically?

Princess: I don’t lay eggs.

Frog: Oh, that could be a deal breaker.

Princess: You know, this never came up when we dissected frogs in high school. So…

Frog: You what?

[Dr. Facilier walks in]

Dr. Facilier: Well, well, well, if it isn’t the prince that I cursed.

Frog: Oh, my God. It’s Captain Hook.

Dr. Facilier: What? No. I am Dr. Facilier, the Voodoo witch doctor from this movie.

Princess: So if I kiss this frog, he’ll transform back into a prince?

Dr. Facilier: Only if it’s true love.

Princess: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And what would happen with his penis?

Dr. Facilier: What do you mean?

Princess: Well, apparently frogs don’t have them.

Dr. Facilier: The hell? How do they–

Princess: They just shoot out the nuts?

Frog: On the plus side, I can do oral from like five feet away.

Dr. Facilier: Well, I guess if he changed back to being a human, he would get his penis back.

Princess: Then let’s do it. Let’s kiss and join our souls forever.

Frog: And what if I didn’t have a penis before?

Princess: What?

Frog: Like as a human before the curse. What if hypothetically, it got ripped clean off in a bowling alley? When she kisses me, would it grow back?

Dr. Facilier: A bowling alley?

Frog: I tried to hump the ball return machine as a joke. And the gears sort of tore it clean off.

Princess: Stop saying clean off.

Frog: If you saw it, you’d agree.

Dr. Facilier: Look, you let a weird frog dude. I don’t know what the hell is going on with you, but at least you a prince.

Frog: That’s right. The Prince of Newark, New Jersey.

Princess: Okay, I’m out.

Dr. Facilier: Yeah, even for voodoo, this is messed up.

[A firefly flies in laughing]

Firefly: I reckon it’s about time I introduce myself. My name Ramo. But everybody around here call me Ray. I was the Cajun Firefly in the movie Princess Frog. I might be just about the worst Disney character ever created. Disney asked kids leaving the movie, “What do you think about Old Ray?” Every kid said, “Kill him. We don’t want to see oh Ray no place no way never again.” One time, they invited Old Ray to one of the character breakfasts over at the Disney World. They gave kids metal bats and said, “Go get him. Go kill Old Ray till he dead.” But don’t worry, then today Old Ray gonna be just fine–

[Firefly gets eaten by the frog]

Frog: Oh, damn!

Porch Scene

Josh… Kate McKinnon

Cassie… Zoë Kravitz

Jason… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Josh brings Cassie’s calculator to her home]

Cassie: Thanks for bringing over my calculator. I can’t believe I forgot it and study hall.

Josh: My pleasure. Yeah, well, my mother’s running late. So I’ll just stand by the mailbox and wait to be retrieved.

Cassie: No, Josh, wait, you can wait here. Come sit.

Josh: If you insist.

[they both sit on the couch in the porch. Cassie is comfortable but Josh is sitting awkwardly.]

Cassie: I just want to say it’s been really great being in math class with you.

Josh: Honestly, Cassie, I would have to return the sentiment.

Cassie: I love how you do impressions from the characters from Frasier.

Josh: “The Niles came quick.” I’m still working on my Raw.

Cassie: Totally. Anyway, I just wanted to say I’m glad your mom is late.

Josh: Glad you said?

Cassie: Yeah. [holds Josh’s hand] Really glad.

Josh: Umm, can you just excuse me for one moment because I’m getting a phone call from my Schwab agent. [pulls out his phone and calls his friend] [whispering] Yes, hello. Is my BFF Jason there? Yeah, so hold.

Jason: Hello, you have Jason.

Josh: Jason. Jason, you’re not gonna believe I’m about to tell you. I am sitting exceedingly close to the Hilary Duff of our algebra class.

Jason: Whoa! I’m glad you called me. I’m only straight boy in my ballet class. So I’m pretty much experienced now. Okay, so tell me, what your body language?

Josh: So I am facing away from her and I’m clinging to the edge for dear life a marvelous.

Jason: And what is she doing?

Josh: Oh, please. She’s looking at me.

Jason: Okay, my friend. We find ourselves in choppy waters. We need to take her breath away. Whisper a secret in her ear and do it sensually.

Josh: Yes, please hold. [whispering in Cassie’s ear] I once got mono from a trombone.

Cassie: Wow. Thanks for telling me that. I feel like I know you better.

Josh: [back on the phone] Okay, that one shockingly well.

Jason: Oh, good noozle chap. Now. Time to impress. Tell her about a recent accomplishment.

Josh: Right oh. [talking to Cassie] Cassie, so my parents said I was actually very emotionally mature when they put down my turtle.

Cassie: Wow, at least he didn’t suffer.

Josh: He actually did. The doctor didn’t hit him in the right spot.

Cassie: That’s intense. Sounds like you were really strong.

Josh: [back on the phone] Jason, against all odds, I’m continuing to crush.

Jason: Wow, with my advice, I can’t feign surprise. But you need to find out if she’s truly available.

Josh: Yes, of course. Hold on. [talking to Cassie] Cassie, are you currently dating anyone?

Cassie: No, I’m done with Jax. I like quiet guys, or actually girls too.

Josh: [back on the phone] Consider my brand short circuited. We have a modern woman on our hands.

Jason: Good. Then let up the romance. Act like you’re in a movie and wipe an eyelash from her face.

Josh: Oh, brilliant. Stand by please. [Josh wipes Cassie’s eyes very fast] Okay, I did it.

Jason: Okay, how did it go?

Josh: I didn’t tell her that’s what I was doing, so not sure.

Cassie: It’s getting a little late. Do you mind if I put my head on your shoulder?

Josh: Yes. Shoulder shoulder available. [Cassie puts her head on Josh’s shoulder]

Cassie: I like this.

Josh: Jason things are progressing.

Jason: My good man. Okay, we want to keep her in the driver’s seat. Call attention to your knee so that she knows it’s there.

[Josh starts pointing on his knee]

Now, if she likes, she may touch it with her own.

[Cassie moves her leg near Josh’s]

Josh: Okay, we have contracted via the knee. We have affirmative patella on patella. Also I can feel my penis in my head.

Jason: Oh this is officially above my paygrade.

Josh: Jason, Jason, You have to stay with me. The stakes are life and death. What now?

Jason: Okay. Check her shoulder demeanor. Is it stiff or is it loose?

Josh: Okay, remain on the line please. [when Josh tries to look at Cassie’s shoulder, she faces him to kiss.] Oh dear god. She’s met my gaze. We are looking at each other and we’re becoming soulmates.

Jason: Okay, Roger, dodger, you oh codger.

Josh: I find myself afraid, not of love but of losing our friendship.

Jason: Now, shaver this my good man. This is the spice of life.

Cassie: Hey, can we kiss now?

Josh: You heard the lady. I’ll see you on the other side.

Jason: I’m gonna be an uncle!

Old Home Movies

Ego Nwodim

Zoë Kravitz

Chris Redd

Kenan Thompson

Mother: All right, I put all the food away and now my kitchen is clean. Please nobody go in there and mess it up.

Daughter and Son: Yes, mom.

Mother: Now What are y’all watching?

Daughter: Some of dad’s old home movies.

Son: Wait, what’s going on?

[The video is of their dad recording himself addressing them]

Father: Hey, kids. It’s me daddy. If you’re watching this video, it means I’m already dead.

Daughter: Where’s dad?

Mother: He’s upstairs on the toilet. Where did you find this tape?

Father: I hid this tape in a box labeled big fish that I call so your mama wouldn’t watch it. There’s so much that I want to tell you kids that your mama don’t know.

Daughter: Maybe we should turn this off.

Mother: No, no, no. I want to hear this.

Father: Now, by now the lawyers have probably informed you that I am flat broke.

Mother: Broke? What the hell happened to our savings?

Father: I was too embarrassed to say anything. No man wants to have to tell his family, I blew my whole retirement on JB smoothes new sports betting app.

Son: Already? I just downloaded that for him last week.

Mother: [calling his husband] Walter get down here.

Daughter: No mom, we can’t let daddy know we saw this.

Father: And don’t worry about my funeral. I took care of everything. All you got to do is pay for it.

Daughter: Why would daddy make this video? Is he sick?

Father: Ain’t no telling what finally took me out. Could have been Rona, could have been because I drink a glass of water since 2003, could have been JB Smoove coming to collect.

[flushing sound]

Son: That was the toilet.

Daughter: Dad must be coming down. Let’s turn this off.

Mother: That was only his first flush. We still got about Daughter0 minutes.

Father: Let’s see what else. What else. Also I got a secret daughter.

Mother: A secret daughter?

Daughter: Oh my god.

Father: It’s not how you think. I would never cheat on your mother raw. The truth is I was a sperm donor back in the day. But I never would have done that dad I known that they was gonna use that sperm to make babies.

Son: What did he think they were gonna use it for?

Father: And to my only son, Walter Jr., I want to apologize for passing down the erectile dysfunctions.

Daughter: Ew!

Son: What? I don’t have that.

Father: Now, you may not have it right now, but you definitely will. Because you are my son. That’s why I am leaving you my special pump. I even put some googly eyes on it so other’s won’t know what it is. It might not get you all the way there but trust me, it gets you closer.

Son: Can you fast forward past this point?

Father: Look, maybe I wasn’t the best dad or the best husband, but I want you kids to know that I tried my very best to write the greatest crime drama Hollywood has ever seen. It’s called Dallas City Bouncers.

Daughter: City Bouncers?

Mother: Oh God not this stupid movie.

Father: Open on windy Dallas night. Lone saxophone cries out in the distance. Camera reveals detective Rico Trumaine played by the brother from Django Unchained. What was his name?

Son: Jamie Foxx?

Father: You know, the main brother that play Ray.

Daughter: Jamie Foxx.

Father: He was on the Jamie Foxx show. He was the man.

Daughter and Son: Jamie Foxx.

Mother: You know, I can’t wait this man. Just fast forward past this movie idea.

Father: With the money from the DVD sales, you should be able to pay back JB Smoove once and for all.

[shower sound]

Daughter: I think that’s the shower.

Mother: So we got more time. Hit play.

Father: As I was saying, I want you kids to give this important message to your mama for me. Baby when I met you, you were the smartest, most beautiful girl at the disco. And I was just some struggling backup singer for the commodores. I just want to tell you, I was never a backup singer for the commodore.

Mother: I can’t believe your father lied to me.

Son: I can’t believe he gave me the erectile dysfunction.

Father: Also baby, I have something that’s very valuable. It’s buried in a top secret location.

Mother: What is it?

Father: But before I tell you that, let me tell you about Dallas City Bouncers II, Rico’s Revenge.

Mother: Oh lord, just fast forward.

Father: It’s gonna be starring– What’s his name? He sings r&b too. You know who I’m talking about.

Maid of Honor

Matt… Kyle Mooney

Tanya… Cecily Strong

Nate… Chris Redd

Announcer… Mikey Day

Sarah… Zoë Kravitz

Sarah’s husband… Martin Herlihy

[Starts with Nate giving toast for his friends’ wedding]

Nate: You know, I always got the sense that Matt looked down on me. But that’s only because he’s two inches taller. But I’m so happy for you, buddy. I love you, bro. To Matt and Tanya. Cheers.

[Announcer walks up]

Announcer: Okay, how about a hand for Matt’s best man, Nate? Yeah. I’m sorry. I’m chewing that was just an incredibly short speech. It opened with the look down on me, Joe. And then it just kind of ended a few sentences later. I was sure it would be longer, which is why I took a bite of food, but I was wrong. But still a very nice speech from Nate. Okay, now let’s hear from the maid of honor, Tanya’s best friend, Sarah. Come on up, Sarah.

[Sarah walks up]

Sarah: Hi, I’m Sarah. Matt, let me tell you something. You’re really lucky guy. Because Tanya is the best girl in the world.

Matt: Aw. Yeah, she is.

Sarah: Girl’s like a sister to me. And not just because we both seen my dad naked.

Matt: [feeling uncomfortable but smiling] Okay.

Sarah: She’s always had my back. Even when nobody else agreed with me, she always said, “Sarah, if you’re sober enough to drive, then I believe you.” And that meant the world to me, girly. And when I’d stumble, when I’d make a mistake, she’d never make me feel bad. She’d say “Girlie, don’t beat yourself up. Nobody knew that thing was loaded.”

Matt: Did she shoot someone?

Tanya: Shh, babe, I’m trying to listen.

Sarah: And when she’s going through a tough time herself, she doesn’t complain. No. She dances, professionally.

Matt: What kind of dancing?

Tanya: Babe, shh!

Sarah: She’s not perfect.

Tanya: No way.

Matt: What kind of dancing?

Sarah: She’s been a bit of a bride Zilla. And not just because she’s attacked a lot of Japanese people. I am in awe of her. I don’t know about all of you. But if nine of my last boyfriends killed themselves, I would give up on romance. But not Tanya.

Matt: She’s joking, right?

Sarah: She believes in love. When I started dating my now husband, she was so happy for me. Everyone else said, “You’re a monster.” But what did you say, Girlie?

Tanya: You’re not a monster. You’re just his math teacher.

Sarah: That’s right. Love is love. Right baby?

Sarah’s husband: [pouring salt on his food. He is very young.] No doubt.

Sarah: But most of all, Tanya is brave. Girlie, I know you remember this? We were at a protest fighting for justice and you got right in that cop’s face. No fear at all. And do you remember what you said?

Tanya: I’m storming the Capitol and I’m gonna kill Mike Pence.

[Now Sarah is starting to get worried]

Sarah:  That’s right. And Matt, you make her so happy. I don’t want to embarrass anyone. But when you guys first got together, Tanya and I were having some girl talk and I said, you know, how’s the chemistry in the bedroom?

Matt: [laughing] No. Hey, here we go.

Sarah: And she said he’s trying his best.

[Matt is disappointed]

And that’s what makes Matt different from the hundreds and hundreds of other guys that she’s dragged home over the year.

Matt: Hundreds?

Tanya: Shh, baby!

Sarah: I’m sure maybe he’s not famous like Steve O’ from Jackass or Wee Man from Jackass. Maybe he’s not mysterious, like Bam from Jackass. But he puts in the work like Johnny Knoxville from Jackass.

Matt: So you just got with the whole Jackass gang?

Tanya: Honey, I listened to your friend speech. Okay?

Sarah: She loved you right away, Matt. After your first date, she said I met my person. And she deleted all the dating apps, Match, Tinder, ChokePony, Tour Dark Web browser, all of them? At least I think she did. Ha-ha-ha.

Tanya: No, I did. Come on. You can check my phone. [pulls out three phones out of her purse]

Matt: Why do you have three phones?

Sarah: So yeah, she loves you, man. And I know when she’s finally able to get her kids back, they’re gonna love you too.

Matt: What kids?

Sarah: And all those kids’ dads are gonna respect you.

Matt: What kids and what dads?

Tanya: Shh!

Sarah: Not every man who has the courage to marry Suge Knight’s ex. But you do Matt. You do. So congrats to both of you. Cheers.

Tanya: Thanks, girlie.

Matt: [thinking to himself] I’m gonna die.

Film Critic Terry Finks 2022 Oscars Predictions

Colin Jost

Terry Fink… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well it’s officially Oscar season and here to give his predictions for Hollywood’s biggest night is film critic Terry Fink.

[Terry Fink slides in]

Terry Fink: Mr. Jost, it’s a privilege to be back my sir.

Colin Jost: Terry, I understand you’ve seen every single film up for an Oscar this year, is that right?

Terry Fink: Bingo host, and every film not nominated too. It’s been one heck of a 48 hours.

Colin Jost: Wait, I’m sorry. You watched every single movie from this year in the last two days. How is that even possible?

Terry Fink: Oh, all thanks to a little multivitamin I take called LSD. The LSD helps me LS-see all these terrific films. First up my pick for best flick, Power of the Dog. Who led this dog out of the closet? That’s the question posed by director Jane Campion in this hysterical gay Western. Benedict Cumberbatch rides high as the titular Dog, the Bounty Hunter. That is until bizarrely stepping through the screen just to make fun of my undies and the voice of my middle school boy. Aside from that, it’s the best movie I’ve ever seen. Colin?

Colin Jost: Yeah, Power of the Dog isn’t about dog, the bounty hunter. And you realize LSD isn’t a vitamin. It’s a hallucinogen.

Terry Fink: Ha-ha. You say tomato, I say [gibberish]. Next up in animation, fun for the whole Familia and Encanto feels worse than being on fire. Pan drawn by the legendary auteur, the Zodiac Killer. All gray throbbing the stress dream does dragon spots but local gangster rapper Lin Manuel Samantha saves the day once again with his catchy hit, Colin JostTerry Fink hours of screaming. This film warmed my heart, broke my brain and sold my kidney for Dogecoin. I give Encanto 10 Tiny terrified Terry’s. Mr. President?

Colin Jost: Man, Terry, I gotta say I’m really starting to worry about you.

Terry Fink: And I’m starting to worry there is no Terry. C’est la vie. Yeah. Okay, next up my pick for best original screenplay, Kenneth Branagh’s Belfast. Get the tissues ready as Johnny Knoxville and his band Bop around town and torture each other’s balls. In this troubles era tear jerker. But it’s Dame Judi Dench, who literally sewers as we man shot out of a cannon directly into my open mouth. I couldn’t stop laughing or crying or doing the Nae-Nae until I was forcibly removed by Regal Cinemas strongest teams. I give Jack ass Belfast 4D 20 twerking ticklish Terry’s. Terry?

Colin Jost: You’re Terry.

Terry Fink: And you’re a wonderful friend. Too bad I’m gonna eat your face.

Colin Jost: Terry Fink, everyone.

Terry Fink: I’m gonna do it though. Yeah.

Dont Stop Believin

Heidi Gardner

Clara… Zoë Kravitz

Chris Redd

Ego Nwodim

Bowen Yang

[Starts with a group of friends at a restaurant]

Heidi: So after 36 hours they said, “Sorry, ma’am. We found the killer. You can go.”

[everyone laughs]

Clara: Classic.

Chris: All the uses.

Ego: Unrelated, has anyone heard that new Doja Cat song?

Clara: Oh yeah, it’s so fresh. She’s such a forward thinking artist.

Chris: Not yet. But everyone’s gotta listen to a Lil’ Dirk’s Straight Fire.

Bowen: Oh, speaking of Straight Fire, you know what I’ve been really into lately? The marching band version of Don’t Stop Believing.

Clara: What?

Bowen: Yeah, yeah, I’ve been like mainlining that track? I mean, I have it queued up actually. You guys want to hear it?

Chris: No, that’s okay.

Bowen: Aww. Come on. Let me break you off a piece.

Ego: Don’t ever call playing music that.

Bowen: Cortana play “Don’t Stop Believin” by Ohio State University marching band.

Chris: Is that a Windows phone?

Ego: Did you just say Believin?

Bowen: Yeah, there’s a typo on Spotify. Shut up. It’s starting. [music playing] Do you guys hear?

Heidi: Hear what?

Bowen: It’s Tubas playing the baseline. Like who thinks of that?

Chris: Marching band?

Bowen: Shh.

Ego: What are we waiting for?

Bowen: It’s coming. There. The drums. Taka-taka-taka-taka-taka-taka. It’s like steam arising from the asphalt after a sun shower, and just percolating up and up and up and up and upward. Imagine walking down the street to this, feeling invincible. Like your whole life is ahead of you, like you’re on your way to your high school graduation and you’re going to make real mistakes in life into a song of gradual building until suddenly–

Chris: Is it over?

Bowen: It’s just beginning.

[Waiter walks in with the food]

Waiter: Hey, who ordered–

[Bowen throws away the food]

Bowen: Not now!

Clara: This is incredible.

Bowen: So you feel it too? Like…

Clara and Bowen: Anything is possible and all that was once beautiful can be again?

Bowen: Wait! Stop here. The instruments are doing the thing that Steven Tyler is singing.

Ego: Steven Tyler wasn’t in journey.

Bowen: It doesn’t matter. Okay? The music is transporting me. Am I in heaven or am I on Rainbow Road and freaking Mario Kart eight?

Clara: Oh! Imagine playing play Mario Kart to this song.

Bowen: Argh, sister, I’ve done it. And look. Now they’re doing the guitar part with a trumpet.

Clara: I didn’t know trumpet could do guitar.

Bowen: Well, they can. [singing loudly]

Chris: Those aren’t the words.

Ego: And no one has ever called it San Francisc.

Bowen: Okay, I’m getting hits to off. None of you are getting my money when I die. Except Clara.

Clara: You know the first time meeting and I really disliked you based off your social media posts, but I am so happy to be wrong. Who is this again?

Bowen: It’s the OSU marching band after album Buff by Bangers? They’re like the biggest band in the world. And violins.

Clara: And that cello.

Bowen: Oh my god, it’s amazing. [singing loudly]

Clara: Seriously, imagine playing Mario Kart eight and hearing this!

Bowen: It honestly inspires me to do so much better at Mario Kart. I just started read shelling the hell out of tone while I’m cruising down Rainbow Road which is where…

Clara and Bowen: This all takes place.

Chris: The marching band version of “Don’t Stop Believin” takes place on Rainbow Road?

Bowen: It does. If you don’t stop Belevin and are taken us home.

Clara: That was amazing. I’ve never heard a song without words before. I can’t believe it’s over.

Bowen: Me neither. But in many ways, it’s just beginning. Life that is.

Ego: Are you guys about to hook up?

Chris: That doesn’t make any sense.

Heidi: You’re both gay.

Bowen: Not anymore.

Clara: I still am.

Bowen: Me too. Cortana, play the Vinyl Belts. [singing loudly]

Can I Talk to You

Ego Nwodim

Zoë Kravitz

Chris Redd

Mikey Day

[Starts with Ego walking out of Quick Mart. Zoë is filling up the gas tank of her car. They are well dressed.]

Zoë: Is this thing busted or something? It’s taking forever.

Ego: Girl, Biden better do something about these gas prices?

Zoë: I know, right? $6 a gallon. What are they using, casamigos?

[Chris walks to them. He looks homeless.]

Chris: Excuse me? I ain’t trying to bother y’all but I’m looking very beautiful tonight.

Ego: Oh, boy.

Zoë: Here we go.

Chris: I just want to know if I can get your number or something, you know I’m saying?

Ego and Zoë: No.

Chris: Damn, saying no. Can I at least like, talk to you for a second? You know what I’m saying?

Zoë: You got a hole in your jacket.

Chris: So what though? What? You got a man or something like that?

Zoë: Yeah.

Ego: I’m married.

Chris: So what though? I can’t get to know you now?

Ego: You got bags on your feet. [He’s wearing plastic bags instead of shoes]

Chris: So what though? I mean, I can’t talk to you?

Zoë: Talk about what?

Ego: Do you work here or something?

Chris: No, I got no job. But I get money though! [showing his collection of cans]

Zoë: By collecting cans?

Chris: Don’t worry about all that. I’m saying, girl, can I get your phone number or something?

Ego: I think your car is on fire.

Chris: What does that even mean?

Zoë: She means your car is literally on fire right now.

[his car is on fire]

Chris: So what though? What you saying, baby? I can’t know your name?

Ego: Is that your baby?

Chris: Is what my baby?

Zoë: The baby in the stroller rolling into the streets.

Chris: Yeah, I guess that’s my baby. Why you can answer my questions though? That’s what I want want to know?

Zoë: Oh my god. What is your question?

Chris: I’m saying can I have your home address?

Ego: No.

[Mikey walks out of the store]

Mikey: Oh, what do we have here?

Ego: Oh, God. Will this pump Hurry up?

Mikey: Do my eyes deceive me, or am I looking at my future ex baby mom?

Ego: Ex baby mama? Then how would that happen?

Mikey: I’m saying though. What’s your name baby girl?

Zoë: Dude, are you peeing on yourself right now?

Mikey: Look, man, I’m just trying to get to know you, baby girl.

Chris: This my homie. We’re not trying to bother y’all.

Mikey: Yeah, we just want to know your sign. Are you a Virgo or a Sagittaricruz?

Ego: What happened to your teeth?

Mikey: My what?

Ego: Are you wearing a hospital gown?

Chris: I might be. You going to nurse me?

Mikey: Ooh!

Zoë: Oh, my God, why is this pump taking so long?

Chris: Girl, when are you going to let me take you out to Harry Potter World and drink some butter beer?

[a bird poops on Chris’s head]

Zoë: Ew!

Zoë: Do you know a bird just [bleep] on your head?

Chris: Don’t worry ’bout all that, girl.

Mikey: Yo, she got jokes!

Chris: I know, right?

Zoë: Is that a tail?

[Mikey has a tail]

Mikey: It might be!

Ego: A tail?

Chris: I’m trying to take you camping.

Mikey: Exactly, my man just trying to take you– [gets hit by a car]

Zoë: Oh, my God! Your friend just got hit by a car.

Chris: Don’t worry about all that. I can’t get a hug, though?

Ego: Okay, girl, let’s just get out of here.

Zoë: Yep.

[Engine starts and they leave]

[Mikey groaning]

Chris: Man, they was ugly, anyway. Let’s get out of here, man.

Mikey: They was busted!

Amazon Go`

[Starts with people entering a building using their phone at the entrance]

Female voice: Since 2018, Amazon has been showing customers a new way to shop where you can just grab and go. It’s Amazon Go.

Heidi: So I just grabbed what I want and leave?

Female voice: Yep.

Heidi: Wow, that’s so easy.

Female voice: Use the Amazon Go app to enter, then start shopping.

Alex: That’s it?

Female voice: That’s it? No lines. No checkouts.

Chloe: No problem.

Female voice: In an Amazon Go store, you can walk in grab what you want, put it in your bag and just go.

Kenan: Oh, you want me to just take something and walk out? Na, son.

Female voice: It’s so convenient.

Kenan: No, no, no. That’s a trap.

Female voice: We know some people are skeptical.

Ego: Some people?

Female voice: Look, here’s how it works. We use computer vision, deep learning algorithms, and sensor fusion.

Ego: Oh, okay. So it’s a trap?

Punkie: So where do you pay?

Female voice: There’s no register. It all happens with our Grab and Go technology.

Punkie: But where do you pay?

Female voice: You don’t.

Punkie: No, I do. I always pay. Okay. Who do you think I am?

Female voice: It’s simple. Take what you want, put it in your own bag and walk out. And we have everything you love.

Zoë: Oh, hey, they have my favorite brand of Kombucha.

Andrew: Oh, that’s great. You should grab it.

Zoë: Sure. [pauses] Can you grab it?

Andrew: Just grab it.

Zoë: You should pick it up.

Andrew: Hey, it’s fine.

Zoë: Take it up.

Andrew: I’m learning.

Female voice: If you change your mind, just put it back. Our technology will update your virtual cart instantly.

Chris: [in loud voice trying to get attention] Okay, I am putting the sandwich back y’all. I have decided to get a different sandwich today. [showing the empty bag] I got no more sandwiches now. god.

Female voice: So get your purchase and go. [Kenan is at the radio-frequency beeper machine at the exit. He doesn’t know if he should go.] Go ahead, leave. Just walk out.

Kenan: [scared] Here I go. [he walks out and nothing happens] [celebrating] Yay! [he comes back and puts the cash on the machine]

Female voice: You don’t have to do that. You’ve already paid.

Kenan: Well then, it’s a tip. [in loud voice] It’s a tip!

Zoë: If you’re trying to trick me– [beeping] Here we go!

Andrew: It’s just notifying you of your receipts.

Zoë: [with her hands up] It was him!

Chris: Alexa, search “Amazon Go store black man trapped.”

Female voice: Amazon Go. No lines. No checkout. No, seriously.

Punkie: That’s a damn trap!