Tag: season 48

COVID Commercial

[starts with clips of people feeling tired]

Female voice: Are you feeling tired and worn down? Sick of the endless grind at work? Exhausted by your family desperate for some peace and quiet? Then ask your doctor about COVID. By simply getting COVID, you’re guaranteed a five and sometimes even 10 day vacation from all of life’s problems.

Sarah: I needed a break just some time away from everyone. So my doctor suggested I get COVID, and it was the greatest week of my life.

Heidi: All I wanted was just sit on the good part of the couch and watch the Netflix I want to watch. And I was finally able to thanks to COVID.

Michael: At first, I was worried about getting COVID. But my doctor assured me it’s fine now. I’m triple Vaxed, quadruple if you count HPV. So it’s my time to shine.

Female voice: Side effects of COVID include having COVID, which is still kind of bad, but doesn’t it seem different now?

Sarah: I definitely got sick. And I also got paid for 10 days to never leave a blanket. Plus I got a great story. I could tell people at work. [telling her colleagues] It was like I had a bad cold for three days.

Heidi: And of course I had to isolate from my three kids, because I didn’t want to get them sick.

Heidi’s husband: But what do they eat? [Heidi just closes the door in relief]

Heidi: I gave it 14 days to be extra safe.

Female voice: And for an extra fee, we’ll knock out the Wi-Fi near your house so you can’t do any Zooms.

Sarah: Oh, well, too bad.

Female voice: COVID is the perfect way to get out of jury duty, cousin’s wedding, friends improv show, neighbours adult baptism and husband’s murder trial. At this point, COVID is basically a 10 day cruise, which is also a great way to get COVID

Sarah: COVID isn’t for everyone. That’s why there’s also new COVID always positive home test, the only COVID test that comes with two pink lines already drawn on.

Heidi: [looking at the test kit] Again?

Heidi’s husband: But you just had it a week ago. [walking out with kids] Please don’t do this to me. [Heidi shuts the door on him]

Female voice: COVID, because sometimes the only way to get mentally healthy is to get physically sick.

Sarah: And sure, there might be long term memory problems. But that would honestly be amazing because there’s so much I want to forget. [There’s a picture of her participating in Capitol riot]

Michael: My brand’s already really bad. If it gets 10% worse, but I don’t have to talk to a single person for a week, I’ll take that deal and a horse beat.

Female voice: You mean a heartbeat?

Micheal: [chuckles] Either way, thanks, COVID.

Sarah; Thanks COVID.

Heidi: Vanks VOVID.

Sarah: I think I’ll get COVID again, today.

Female voice: COVID. Go ahead. You deserve a break.

Big Penis Therapy

Robin… Amy Schumer

Melissa… Sarah Sherman

Glen… Andrew Dismukes

Ego Nwodim

[Starts with a group of adults playing a card game]

Ego: Sorry, Robin, but draw four.

Glen: Ha-ha-ha. It sucks to be you.

Robin: Oh, babe, you’re gloating.

Glen: Oh, you’re right. You’re right. Sorry to get so competitive guys.

Melissa: Fine, Glen.

Glen: No, it’s not fine. Something I’ve been working on in therapy.

Melissa: You go to therapy. That’s like really surprising.

Ego: Seriously, talk about a complete 180.

Robin: I know remember how cranky he used to be.

Melissa: That’s one way to put it.

Ego: Yeah, I would have said toxic as a mug.

Glen: Okay, you got me?

Robin: Yeah, but honestly, ever since I finally convinced him to go to big penis therapy, he’s just been so much happier. He’s like, a new person.

Ego: One more time.

Melissa: Did you see big penis therapy?

Glen: Yeah, it’s a place where I can finally open up about my problems with my dad, my insecurities, my rage issues.

Ego: That just sounds like regular therapy.

Robin: Let’s go back to the game. Whose turn is it?

Glen: See, she’s been trying to get me to go to therapy for years ever since I cheated on her that first time. You remember that, babe?

Robin: Yeah, I sure do.

Glen: Therapy just always seem so, I don’t know fruity. But then I heard about big penis therapy, for men with big penises like mine. And I thought, maybe I do need this.

Robin: Big penis therapy just helps to destigmatize men working on their mental health.

Glen: And sure the guys down at the job harassed me for going to therapy at first, but then I showed them my sweet badge for completing six months. And now they all went therapy too.

Ego: [reading the badge] God forgive my painess. What’s a painess?

Glen: t’s a medical term. It means penis that causes great pain.

Melissa: Oh, maybe I should tell my Jake about this.

Glen: Not so fast. Are you sure Jake qualifies?

Melissa: Actually he’s pretty okay.

Glen: Ha-ha-ha. Well, unfortunately, it’s not “pretty okay” size penis therapy. It’s therapy for guys with great big ones. Like mine, or Shaq’s. Or the guys from long naturals magazine.

Melissa: You know, Glen for the record, penis size really isn’t important.

Robin: Please don’t say that.

Glen: It’s okay honey. It actually is important, Melissa. And honestly, before therapy, I would have called you a stuck up bitch for saying that. But now I won’t.

Ego: Hey, Glen, did they measure your penis first to make sure you qualify?

Glen: What do you mean?

Ego: Just saying. How do they know you have a big…?

Robin: They don’t have to measure.

Glen: Honey, relax. It’s a good question. But yeah, the doctors can tell by your overall vibe if you have a baby leg like it.

Ego: Interesting. Well, Glenn, whatever they’re doing, it seems to be working for you.

Melissa: Truly. You even look like you’ve lost some weight.

Glen: Oh, well, that’s all thanks to my fat rod vegan meal plan.

Ego: You got him to be vegan too?

Robin: Yep. He’s also going to long Dong church now and drinking thick hog non-alcoholic beers.

Glen: Yeah. And I also joined an activist group called three inch monster packers against animal testing.

Melissa: Good, because it looks like you’re gonna have to draw for.

Ego: And that’s on top of my draw for.

Melissa: We’re playing stack, so you have to draw eight, Glen.

Robin: Aw, babe. But you only have one left. You almost won.

Glen: [flipping the table up side down] Stop making fun of me.

Female voice: Big penis therapy. It’s therapy.

 

Big Dumb Hat

[Starts with pictures of women enjoying the fall.]

Female voice: Fall. Beauty. Women.

[Cut to Chloe, Amy and Heidi]

All: Hey, girlie.

Amy: Are you like us? A well off woman with perfect makeup and long straight hair?

Heidi: Are you between 20 and 45? And it’s fall outside?

Chloe: Do you want a personality that you can wear on your head?

All: Then you need big dumb hat.

Chloe: This is the hat that makes everyone say, “Oh her!”

Heidi: The hat that makes people think, “Oh, she wearing hat.”

Amy: The hat that says “When I was in high school, I wasn’t mean or nice.”

Heidi: Big.

Amy: Dumb.

Chloe: Hat.

Amy: Big dumb hat comes in colors like tan or… that’s it.

Heidi: And the brim is perfect to touch so people see a big dumb engagement ring. [touching the brim] “Oh, this? Yeah, it a biggie.”

Chloe: Am I a cow girl? No girl. But I got hat.

Amy: I’m plant based. Except for my cow boy hat.

Heidi: If you see me wearing this hat at the airport, you know I’m gonna push my way on before my boarding group.

Chloe: Wow, is your hat even bigger than before?

Amy: You tell me. [she’s wearing a hat that’s too big]

Chloe: You can wear big dumb hat anywhere. The beach or a soccer game.

Heidi: If you see this hat in Starbucks, you know it’s gonna be opening.

All: Big dumb hat.

Heidi: Want to hear a secret? I made a baby in this hat.

Chloe: I named my kids Poet, Story, Lyric, Rire and Arcade.

Amy: I post a picture from my wedding every single day.

Chloe:Can you dance in the hat? Well, you wish we didn’t.

[music playing]

[they are dancing]

Heidi: Don’t you hate how we dance?

Chloe: Hat.

Amy: Dumb.

Heidi: Big.

Chloe: Big dumb hat is the hat that makes your boyfriend say, “It’s me or the hat.”

Amy: It’s the hat that screams, “Wait, I think I forgot to vote. Did I miss it? Can I still get a sticker?” Hat.

Chloe: Pair it with tiny little cursive tattoo.

Amy: Complicated morning routine and fake gluten allergy.

Heidi: Yellow stone watch party and a wood fire pizza oven. Look at that char.

Chloe: And at the end of the day, you’re gonna have a big old crease on your forehead from the hat.

Heidi: How can a man wear a big dumb hat?

Amy: I think so, but let’s find out.

[Marcello walks in wearing a hat]

Marcello: Hello, ladies. Let’s get vulnerable.

Chloe: No, you gotta go.

Heidi: So get your big dumb hat today. Wait, is your hat even bigger.

[Amy is wearing too big hat]

Amy: Maybe.

All: Big dumb hat.

Chloe: From the makers of dumb little dog.

Amy Schumer Stand-Up Monologue

Amy Schumer

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Amy Schumer.

[Amy Schumer walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Amy Schumer: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It’s so great to be back. You’re hosting Saturday Night Live. I’ve been so busy. You may have seen my Hulu show “Life and Beth”. And “Inside Amy Schumer” is back on Paramount plus. And I can’t believe I have the honor of being the final host before the midterm abortions. Elections. What did I say? Sorry, I was thinking about what’s at stake if we don’t vote.

People love giving pregnant women advice, don’t they? Like the whole time I was pregnant, I had this one friend. She kept telling me “You got to do prenatal yoga.”It really helps with the birth.” So I immediately signed up for a C section. But no I did. I had a C. It came out the sunroof. And no matter how you give birth, the doctors will tell you. It could be vaginal, C section, they almost never come out of your butthole, but they tell you no matter what, as soon as you get birth the doctors are very serious. They say you cannot have sex for six weeks. You got it? Six weeks, not sex. I was like, “Okay. I remember when you just Wolverine my FUPA open? Remember that? How about six years? That’s what I think I’ll be ready. Okay? Remember? His foot got caught in my intestines? When can I get raw dog from behind, please?

But my husband and I, we do have a good sex life. We do. Married people, have you found this? We have found that the best week day to have sex is always tomorrow. Yeah, we’re like, “We ate today. Maybe we won’t eat tomorrow. That’ll be a good day for us.” My husband’s the best. He always before we have sex, he puts the lights on. You know? And I shut them off. And he puts them on. And he’s like, “Amy, why are you so shy? You have a beautiful body.” And I was like, “Oh my God, you’re so cute. You think I don’t want you to see me? So sweet.” Right?

But I’ll be honest, it’s awkward. Having sex with your spouse. It is. Because like, that’s your family. I have Thanksgiving with you. I lay out your sweaters. I can’t go down on you. You’re my emergency contact for Christ’s sake. It’s sick. We can’t talk dirty to each other anymore. We know each other too. Well, I’m always like, “I’m gonna—” He’s like, “No, you’re not.” We do a lot of roleplay. But I always pick the same role. I’m always like, “Okay, I am in a coma. Go.”

My husband is diagnosed. He’s on the autism spectrum. He has autism spectrum disorder. It used to be called the Aspergers. But then they found out this is true that Dr. Asperger had like Nazi ties, Kanye. It’s weird. Yes, like crazy. But no, it’s been really positive for our family to have him diagnosed. We understand so much more about his behavior. And it’s given him so many tools. Like, now, if somebody is in the middle of a long, boring story, he will straight up just walk away. Wnd when people find out that he has autism, like they don’t know much about it. They’re like, “Oh, does he love to count? Should we drop a bunch of straws on the floor? He can gather them and count them.” I’m like, “Yeah, that sounds pretty fun. I’d like to do that.” He never really lands a compliment with me. He tells me I look comfortable a lot. Different love languages. L like, a couple of weeks ago, we’re sitting outside and it was a nice night. It looked like it was gonna rain. And I was feeling kind of sentimental. And I was like—

Even though these past couple years with the pandemic and everything, it’s been so stressful. I said, “Still, this time being with you, being with our son, they’ve been the best years of my life. And he just looked at me and he said, “I’m gonna go put the windows up in the car.” Yeah, he’s my guy. It’s one of the times we play the game “Autism or just a man?” Yeah. I don’t know. And I’ll leave you with what he said to me right before I came on stage tonight. I said, “Babe, is this okay?” He said, “Well, it’s too late.”

We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Steve Lacey is here. So stick around. We’ll be right back.

Weekend Update- Elon Musk Buys Twitter, Companies Cut Ties with Kanye West

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Elon Must and Twitter logo at left top corner.]

This week, Elon Musk officially bought Twitter for $44 billion, beating out the next highest offer of $0. Musk sent an open letter to advertisers saying that he doesn’t want Twitter to become a free for all hellscape because that’s his plan for Mars. I honestly don’t understand why people are so worried that Elon is going to ruin Twitter as if it’s this beloved American institution. It’s not like he bought Disney World. It’s like he bought the rest of Orlando.

Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Herschel Walker at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Herschel Walker denied allegations from a second woman that he pushed her to have an abortion saying “I’m done with this foolishness,” which is also what Walker says when he takes off the condom. The woman claims that Walker drove her to an abortion clinic then waited in the parking lot for hours until she had the procedure. Not only that. While he was in the parking lot, he got two more women pregnant.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of John Fetterman and Dr. Oz at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: John Fetterman, who is still recovering from a stroke, and Dr. Mehmet Oz met for their only debate before the midterms. And just like in his puppy experiments, Dr. Oz showed no mercy. Fetterman began his opening statement by saying “Good night everybody.” It was a bizarre baffling comment that debate watchers called his high point. Regardless of your politics, it’s never a great sign when most of the post debate commentary is from brain doctors. I really don’t understand why Fetterman was allowed to do this debate. Who’s his campaign manager? The Miami Dolphins concussion doctor? Also, it’s not Dr. Oz did great. He just did slightly better than a recent stroke victim. At one point, he said the decision to have abortion should include local political leaders, which sounds like a perfect way to get an abortion five years late and 60 million over budget.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Pelosi’s husband is gravely injured in hammer attack by an intruder” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Things are definitely getting way out of hand in this country because when I heard that a guy barged into a house with a hammer looking for Nancy Pelosi, my first thought was “Oh no, was it Kanye?” Kanye West has now been dropped by Adidas, the Gap, Balenciaga and all Bar Mitzvah playlists. In the wake of Kanye’s anti semitic comments, Adidas said it will stop making Yeezy shoes. Fans of Yeezy say it’s the worst thing that happened to them since any puddle. Kanye was also probably closed Donda Academy which is a private school that forces parents to sign non disclosure agreements. “Wait we can do NDAs?” said Catholic school priests.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Kanye West at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Is it just me or did half the companies that dropped Kanye sound fake? I saw the headline “TJ Maxx cuts ties with Kanye.” I was like, “Did Kanye know he worked for TJ Maxx?” Also, unless we already associated you with Kanye, you didn’t have to announce you’re cutting ties. We didn’t need Peloton to announce, “We’re no longer playing Kanye’s music.” Thanks, peloton. Now we can rest easy knowing we won’t hear gold digger while we have a heart attack on your bike. At some point I actually started getting excited about who is going to announce next? Dippin Dots will no longer work with— Scrub Daddy is cutting ties— TCBY will discontinue their watch the cone menu featuring the hit flavor nougats and pretzels. The craziest one, which is somehow real, somehow real is that Goodwill dropped Kanye. They will no longer accept donations of Kanye’s clothing. Which is ironic because Kanye has lost enough money that he might need them.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Rishi Sunak at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Rishi Sunak will become Great Britain’s first ever Prime Minister of Indian descent. Said his mom, “Okay, why not King?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: During a White House ceremony, President Biden wished Kamala Harris a happy birthday, then accidentally called her a great president. Even worse, he was talking to a portrait of Michelle Obama.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ruth Bader Ginsburg at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The Postal Service announced a new stamp honoring the late Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. There’s also a stamp honoring Clarence Thomas that says “Flip me over and start licking.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of mathematical problem at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new study finds that during the pandemic, students math scores dropped by almost Colin Jost0%. Wow, so more than half!

The world’s largest timber tower and suspension bridge has opened in Michigan. “For now,” said beavers.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Hijacked bus crashes into pole.”]

Michael Che: Police in Queens were searching for a suspect who hijacked a bus and then immediately crashed it into a utility pole. Okay, so we know it’s a woman.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Virgin Australia logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Virgin Australia is trying to get people to choose the middle seat by enrolling everyone who sits in those seats a chance to win over 200,000 in prizes. Not to be outdone, Spirit Airlines is offering a free bag of carrots if you sit in the bathroom.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Training dogs to detect semen” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Police in England are now using specially trained dogs to detect semen at crime scenes. This replaces the old method of detecting semen, slipping on it.

Weekend Update- Drunk Uncle on Why He Hates Halloween

Colin Jost

Drunk Uncle… Bobby Moynihan

[starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, it’s almost Halloween. And families around the country are getting ready for parties and trick or treating. Here with his thoughts is our own drunk uncle.

[Michael Che slides in. He’s drunk.]

[cheers and applause]

Michael Che: This is Halloween. This is Halloween. Halloween, Halloween, Marjorie Taylor Greene. Happy Halloween, everybody. I’m sorry, you can’t you can’t even say it’s All Hallows Eve anymore. You gotta call it All Hallows Steve.

Colin Jost: I don’t think you do. Drunk Uncle, are you ready for Halloween?

Michael Che: Halloween is for socialism, Colin. These kids today, they don’t even work hard jobs no more. You know? When I was a kid, we were shoeshine shimmy sweeps extra extra paper boys. You know? Nowadays, it’s just, “Excuse me. Can you Instacart me some mochi?” What? I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Can you Minecraft my Metaverse please? No, you be real.

Colin Jost: All right. Well I guess you’re not excited for Halloween.

Michael Che: Tom was too good for Dizelle.

Colin Jost: Okay. Alright. What do you mean?

Michael Che: TikTok dance. TikTok dance. Okie dokie. You like it.

Colin Jost: I do. I do.

Michael Che: [yelling] The whole country is falling apart, Colin. Okay? Everybody’s quiet quitting now.

Colin Jost: Quiet quitting?

Michael Che: They’re quiet quitting. Excuse me. Okay. They’re quiet quitting. Excuse me. Quit. We used to quit loud because they hired a lady manager and we were scared. And also a few a couple of those immigrantes Illegados, if you know what I mean. Do you know?

Colin Jost: I think I know.

Michael Che: It’s me, Chris Pratt. Burf. Not my Mario.

[Michael Che falls asleep]

Colin Jost: Drunk uncle?

Michael Che: Yes, I was here on January 6.

Colin Jost: What?

Michael Che: [singing] Take me home tonight, I don’t wanna bep bep bep be. [starts crying]

Colin Jost: Oh, drunk uncle.

Michael Che: Wild wild crocodile, okay? So I didn’t graduate from an elementary, okay? So I’ll never be beyond burgers, okay? Never. Big magma guilty of water Pounder with Cheese Malaya fishy hamburger with cheese burger, a happy meal. JFK blown away. What else do I have to say? That’s not me.

Colin Jost: Yeah. I don’t think that’s anyone.

Michael Che: Donda?

Colin Jost: No.

Michael Che: Donda? Donda?

Colin Jost: You don’t have to talk about Kanye.

Michael Che: Yes, I most certainly do, Colin. Okay? I’ve been listening to a whole lot of what he has to say.

Colin Jost: Oh, no.

Michael Che: Okay? And guess what? I think he might be crazy. That kind of talk doesn’t fly anymore. I learned a lot. I learned a lot during the pandemic more. Okay. I did the work. I know that Back Adams manner. Okay? I saw bros in theaters pal. Okay? And no homo? It was great. Okay, I said it before and I’ll say it again. Gay guys are still funnier than women.

Colin Jost: Okay, all right.

Michael Che: [knocking Colin’s forehead] Knock knock.

Colin Jost: Who’s there?

Michael Che: Elon?

Colin Jost: Elon who?

Michael Che: I don’t know. But he just made me CEO of Twitter.

Colin Jost: Drunk uncle, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

 

The View- Jack Harlow

Whoopi Goldberg… Ego Nwodim

Joy Bay Hart… Sarah Sherman

Sara Haines… Chloe Fineman

Sunny Hostin… Punkie Johnson

[Starts with the show intro]

[Cut to the show set]

Whoopi: Hi, I’m Whoopi Goldberg. And I’m technically not the star of The View. But I am the only one here who has ever been asked for an autograph. And as always, I’m joined by the Pippin to my Jordan, Joy Bay Hart.

Joy: Oh, come on. I’m Rodman. Tell me I’m Rodman.

Whoopi: No, you ruin some hotel rooms in Vegas. That’s for sure. [laughing]  We’re also here with a couple of members of the B team.

Sunny: Thank you, Whoopi.

Sara: Very nice. Anyway, some of you may recall on Monday, our interview with Ted Cruz was interrupted by climate change protesters. But today we are looking forward to a more upbeat episode with a very exciting guest. Please welcome, Jack Harlow.

[Jack Harlow walks in]

Thanks for coming, Jack.

Jack Harlow: Hey ladies, thanks for having me. A can I just say, Whoopi, it’s an honor. You are an icon.

Whoopi: Oh all right. Don’t compliment me all quiet like that Jack. I have been closed for business since before you were born.

Jack Harlo: Well, I’m looking forward to the grand reopening.

Whoopi: No, no, no. Come on. I am a dead woman walking. Alright?

Sunny: Excuse me, I don’t mean to be rude to our guests but there is something I wanted to say about the protesters earlier this week. I—

Whoopi: No, no, no, we’re not doing this again. They came to the show talking about a stop big oil. Like, what do you want me to do?

Joy: It’s an important issue, Whoopi.

Whoopi: They want me to stop Big Oil? How? I don’t know him.

Joy: Whoopi!

Whoopi: Save the planet? My god, I’m already saving our rating.

Joy: Whoopi!

Whoopi: Joy.

Joy: Whoopi!

Whoopi: Jack, what do you think?

Jack Harlow: It’s all good. But Whoopi, is it the global warming or is it just like getting a little hot in here?

Whoopi: Baby, please. We would never work. The only MCs I need in my life are my cats and my cigarettes.

Sara: Can I just say, personally I think we should speak about climate change.

Whoopi: Um-hmm. Okay. Okay, thank you sweetheart. But we moved on. Back to the matter at hand, the one and only Mr. Black Harlow.

Jack Harlow: Would you stop playing with me? It’s just Jack.

Joy: Well, I got a question for you Black. You and a lot of other rappers feature scantily clad women in your videos. Don’t you think that’s objectified to those girls?

Whoopi: Oh please. Those bimbos took the gig.

Joy: Come on, now, Whoopi.

Whoopi: I’m sorry, but it’s a music video.

Joy: Whoopi!

Whoopi: What they think it was for? A damn science video?

Joy: What on earth is a science video? Did I say that, Whoopi?

Whoopi: You did say that.

Joy: I did not say that.

Whoopi: You basically said that.

Joy: So Jack, what do you say?

Jack Harlow: Yeah, I guess I’ll just say there’s a lot of beautiful girls in my videos, but you know, right now what I need most is a woman.

Whoopi: Okay, I don’t know what you’re trying to do to me. But it is working. I’m feeling like Indiana Jones just stepped on a booby trap. Because my whole dusty cave has started to rumble.

Jack Harlow: I like that movie. Maybe we should watch it together sometime. I hope you’re not afraid of snakes.

Whoopi: Okay, Jack. Am I sensing a metaphor?

Jack Harlow: Whoopi, I’ve met a lot of fours (metaphor), but today I met a 10.

Joy: Wait a minute. So the snake was about his— Oh my god!

Whoopi: Well Joy, I am wet. And that’s all the time we have today folks. Bring it to mama.

PBS NewsHourRepublican Momentum Cold Open

Judy Woodruff…Heidi Gardner

Herschel Walker… Kenan Thompson

Dr. Oz…Mikey Day

Kari Lake… Cecily Strong

[Starts with show intro]

[Cut to 1 in her set]

Judy Woodruff: Good evening. I’m Judy Woodruff. And this is the PBS News Hour. We’re what’s your grandma’s talking about when she says “I saw this on the news.” With the midterms less than two weeks away, republicans appear to be surging with a strong closing message from candidates who have gone from underdogs to stars of the Republican Party. But how? Tonight we talked to three of them. First Senate candidate from Georgia, Herschel Walker. Herschel Walker: Yeah, hello, Judas. My name is Herschel Walker, Texas Ranger, and I’m running for President of the United Airlines.

Judy Woodruff: Next, here’s Pennsylvania’s Republican Senate candidate, Dr. Oz.

Dr. Oz: Hello, Judy. My Pennsylvania Phillies are in the World Series. And I just had a delicious Philadelphia cheese and steak. Yum.

Judy Woodruff: And also joining us is Arizona’s Republican candidate for governor, Kari Lake.

Kari Lake: Great to be with you, Judy, on your sweet little show full of lies.

Judy Woodruff: Okay, well, all three of you have been gaining in the polls the past few weeks, despite none of you having any political experience.

Herschel Walker: That’s absolutely right.

Dr. Oz: Right.

Kari Lake: Proud of it.

Judy Woodruff: Mr. Walker, you’re now within three points of Senator Raphael Warnock? Why is your support growing?

Herschel Walker: And that’s where I don’t know. See? The whole world is a mystery. Ain’ it? So for example, a thermos, it keeps the hot things hot, but also the cold things cold. But my question is, how do we decide? So we’re gonna be looking into that very much.

Judy Woodruff: Well, you’ve had a tough campaign. A second woman has now claimed you paid for her abortion. And your ex wife has said you once held a gun to her head. Why are millions of Georgia residents still voting for you?

Herschel Walker: Gas.

Judy Woodruff: Okay, gas prices are high. But is there more to it than that?

Herschel Walker: Well, of course there is. I’m fun. Look, if you want to get on the Jumbotron at the Falcons game, you’ll throw on a cardigan and start making sense. You take your shirt off and you shake your belly around. That’s what I’m doing. And people love me no matter what. Like, the great Trump Donald said, I could pay for the bus in the middle of Fifth Avenue and not lose any voters. And that’s a promise for me, Herschel Walker potamus.

Judy Woodruff: Very well. Now Dr. Oz, you’ve caught up to your opponent John Fetterman recently surprising many in the media.

Dr. Oz: I sure have. Let’s remember I was a long shot, Judy. But I was told myself, you can win this election if you’re honest, if you’re fair, and if your opponent has a debilitating medical emergency. So we’re very lucky.

Judy Woodruff: Got it. Miss Lake, you’ve pulled ahead of your Democratic opponent Arizona Secretary of State Katie Hobbs.

Kari Lake: Yes, I have.

Judy Woodruff: Now you were a local news anchor and a Democrat for many years.

Kari Lake: Correct, yeah.

Judy Woodruff: And yet you’re gaining voters. Why?

Kari Lake: Because I’m normal, Judy. I’m just a regular hometown gal constantly and soft focus and lit like a 90’s Cinemax soft core. And frankly, I’ve just clicked with many of the wonderful terrified elderly people here in Arizona, the Florida of the West. Also, I’m a fighter. In my life, I’ve sent back over 2000 salads. And I’m not afraid to do the same thing with democracy.

Judy Woodruff: Very well. Now, one of your main campaign issues is the denial of the 2020 election.

Kari Lake: Can you mediate tags just get over the one thing I’ve made the center of my campaign for months and months? Arizonans want to talk about the issues that affect them, like crime in New York or crime in Detroit. And the most pressing issue, drag queen story time. Men dressing as loud sassy women introducing children to the joys of reading? Not on my watch.

Herschel Walker: Hey, can you pass it to me please? I’m open. Listen, Judas. We got babies in school out here identifying as a Pokemon. Okay. And that’s crazy. My son is a boy, last time I checked by text, you know? He certainly ain’t no Snorlax and that’s your science. Excuse me. I’m getting all worked up right now. My head is getting very, very hot.

Dr. Oz: Judy, we need to take care of ourselves. And I recommend the miraculous Alpha cyclo dextrin to help them lose 30 pounds in just one calendar day.

Judy Woodruff: Great. Now Miss Lake, you have proposed some big changes to local voting laws. If you become governor, do you promise to make sure everyone’s vote counts?

Kari Lake: Judy, I’ll make it easy. If the people of Arizona elect me, I’ll make sure they never have to vote ever again.

Judy Woodruff: Now some people are saying that kind of election denialism contributes to violence.

Kari Lake: Violence? What do you mean? Like crazy eyed men in tactical gear waving assault rifles next to ballot boxes? That’s just Arizona, baby. Look, nothing I say can be incendiary because I say it in TV voice. So jump on into Kari Lake, Arizona, because it’s placid and serene on top, but underneath it’s a whole lot of giardia.

Judy Woodruff: Ms. Lake, thank you for being here. And thank you to Dr. Oz and Herschel Walker.

Herschel Walker: Go Halloween.

Judy Woodruff: When we return, JD Vance asked President Trump for money to go get an ice cream. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Kanye Skechers Commercial

[Starts with video clips of people jogging]

Cecily: Here at Skechers, we pride ourselves on two things, making stylish comfortable shoes at an affordable price and having zero tolerance for anti semitism.

Bowen: That’s why earlier this week when Kanye West showed up at our corporate office asking to work with us, we said no.

Chloe: No way.

Marcello: No.

Punkie: No, thank you.

Bowen: And we immediately escorted him out of the building.

Cecily: Like the rest of the country, we were appalled by Kanye is horrific comments, and we vow to never work with him in any capacity. But can we also point out that of all the companies he could have approached and been rejected by, he chose Skechers. Skechers has always been a hip edgy company.

Punkie: Everyone knows that. So of course, Kanye came to us first.

Chloe: Kanye came to Skechers and Skechers said no. Do you realize how insanely satisfying that is?

Cecily: I guess you could say that Skechers employees are kind of heroes. Like Celie maybe.

Bowen: Two years ago, could you have imagined the headline “Skechers too good for Kanye”?

Cecily: I actually feel high. Like I think this is what cocaine feels like.

Punkie: Corporate was like, “We can’t work with Kanye West. He’s crazy now.” I was like, “Now?”

Cecily: It took Adidas so many days to decide not to work with him. I mean, he walked in and we were like, “Bye. Bye-bye. Door!”

Bowen: And sure Kanye and Skechers would have been a perfect partnership. He’s always been a disruptor in the fashion industry.

Marcello: And we invented shoes you can wash in a washing machine.

Bowen: But again, we would never partner with him.

Chloe: Never.

Cecily: Absolutely not.

Bowen: Besides, what would you even call a Kanye Skechers shoe anyway? The Skeezy? it’s actually not bad.

Marcello: But we’re not doing it.

Chloe: Right. Because of the anti semitism.

Cecily: I’m proud to work for Skechers. I mean, when’s the last time I’ve said that? All we want is for people to know where Skechers stands.

Chloe: And for a little recognition of how cool this makes us look.

Cecily: But it’s not all about us. It’s not like all birds is fighting the fight.

Bowen: Now I noticed we haven’t heard anything from Crocs not saying Crocs is anti semitic. I just think it’s interesting we haven’t heard from them.

Cecily: And if you want to tweet your support to Sketchers, just a reminder, there’s no ‘T’ in Sketchers. #SketchersHeroes. No ‘T’ in heroes either. But I think people know that.

Bowen: So thanks, but no thanks, Kanye.

Marcello: We don’t need you.

Chloe: We don’t stand with you.

Cecily: And we might mess up in the future. But we didn’t this time.

Bowen: And besides, I’m sure Kanye will find some morally dubious company to work with instead.

[Cut to My Pillow commercial]

Mike Lindell: He’s sure will. Hey, it’s me Mike Lindell, founder of My Pillow. And I’m proud to announce that we are starting ties with Kanye West. In fact, immediately.

Male voice: My Pillow, Sketcher’s trash is My Pillow’s treasure.

Joker Wedding

Patch… Jack Harlow

Dooney… Heidi Gardner

Pastor… James Austin Johnson

Clint… Andrew Dismukes

Becca… Chloe Fineman

Uncle Tag… Mikey Day

Grandma Judy… Sarah Sherman

Jeff Probst

Patch: And Dooney, no matter come hell or high water. I’m gonna love you till I got no more love to give, I swear that to you.

Dooney: Whatever.

Pastor: That was beautiful patch. Now if anyone here has reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.

Dooney: Yeah, got a reason.

Patch: Babe, what are you doing?

Dooney: Just saying I don’t know. I feel like marrying you no more on account of your best man came to our wedding dress like Joker.

[The best man is dressed up as Joker with make up and everything]

Clint: Y’all don’t like me dressed like Joker?

Dooney: No, Clint, I don’t like it. I know we’re getting married on Halloween night, but I don’t like it being dressed like Joker.

Clint: You’re getting married on Halloween night. I thought I could dress like Joker.

Patch: Clint, I told you multiple times, we wasn’t doing costumes at the wedding.

Clint: Yeah, but I told you I was gonna dress like Joker.

Patch: I know, but I said not to.

Clint: But I said I was gonna dress like Joker.

Patch: I know. But when you said you were gonna do that, I said do not do that.

Clint: Yeah, but I told you I was gonna dress like Joker.

Dooney: You ruined my wedding, Clint.

Clint: I ruined your whole wedding just because I’m dressed like Joker?

Dooney: Yes, Clint. When I was a little baby girl dreaming about my wedding, my husband’s best man wasn’t dressed like Joker.

Clint: I didn’t want to ruin your wedding, Dooney. I just want to dress like Joker.

Patch: Dooney, baby. Please, if Clint goes take off the Joker stuff right now, can we please still be bridegroom?

Dooney: Okay, then. If Clint goes stop being Joker, then we can still be bride and groom.

Patch: Yes, thank you baby. Clint, go to the bathroom now, take off all the Joker.

Clint: I won’t change out of Joker.

Patch: Come on, Clint, you’re my best friend. You know I’ve been wanting to marry Dooney ever since I saw her.

Clint: And you know everyone to dress like Joker ever since last Halloween when I saw a guy dressed like Joker. I said next year I’m gonna dress like Joker.

Dooney: But I don’t want you to be Joker no more, Clint.

Clint: Well, I do wanna be Joker, Dooney. I think everybody here should get to vote on if I get to be Joker, if I got to be not be Joker no more.

Patch: Fine. Well vote on it.

Dooney: No, Patch.

Patch: Well, he’s right Dooney. If everybody else wants him still be Joker, he should get to still be Joker.

Dooney: Well then, I guess I don’t want to be bride and groom no more.

Patch: I do want to be bride and groom with you, Dooney, more than anything in this here earth. But we’re getting married on Halloween now. We got to respect that some people go show up dressed like Joker. We lucky we only got one Joker. This place is going to be crawling with Jokers, Dooney.

Pastor: It’s settled then. By the power vested in me by the State of Kentucky, we will now vote on Joker.

Patch: Alright. Cousin Becca, do you think Clint should or should not get to still be Joker?

Becca: Clint, I understand that is Halloween night, and on Halloween night you should get to be Joker.

Clint: Thank you.

Becca: But if Dooney don’t want you to be Joker so much that she won’t marry Patch no more, then my vote is you should not get to be Joker.

Patch: Thank you cousin Becca. Uncle Tag, are you pro Joker or no Joker?

Uncle Tag: Dooney, there is nothing more I want than for you and my little nephew to be bride and groom.

Dooney: Me too, uncle Tag.

Uncle Tag: However, given that it is Halloween night, the one night a year in which everyone is allowed to be Joker, I vote that Clint should continue to be Joker.

Patch: Grandma Judy, it’s down to you. Should Clint or should not Clint continue to be Joker at our wedding?

Grandma Judy: Dooney, you make the most beautiful bride I have ever seen.

Dooney: Thank you, Grandma Judy, that’s so sweet.

Grandma Judy: And Clint, you know I never liked you. You are a skunk and an alcoholic. But I’ll be damned if you don’t exactly look like Joker.

Clint: Thank you Grandma Judy. I will cherish that.

Patch: Grandma Judy, have you made your decision?

Grandma Judy: I have.

Patch: Okay, then survivors Jeff Probst, please share the results.

[cheers and applause]

Jeff Probst: Dooney, the tribe has spoken. [pulls out a sheet of paper from a pot] Clint gets to be Joker.

Dooney: No.

Jeff Probst: You need to bring me a torch. Congratulations, Clint, you get to be Joker.

Clint: Whoo! Jeff Probst said I get to be Joker. Let’s go, boy.