season 48 Archives - Page 3 of 24 - SNL Transcripts Tonight

The Play

Sophie Lespazio… Heidi Gardner

Brian… Devon Walker

Brian: Wow, my girlfriend Sophie Lespazio, a fancy playwright. I am so proud.

Sophie: Thanks, Brian.

Michael: I’m so sorry to bug you. I’m just a huge fan of your writing. I see all your plays. You’re brilliant.

Sophie: Oh, thank you. That’s so sweet. God, this is my first play that’s actually about my life. I’m nervous, Brian.

Brian: Hey, don’t be. Everybody’s gonna love it.

[applause]

[Molly playing Sophie Lespazio]

Molly: Sophie Lespazio, what’s happening? It’s your wedding day. And everyone’s expecting you to say I do. But do you? Or for once would you rather do you? [ha-ha-ha] Girl you don’t love his sorry ass.

Sophie: God this actress, she’s amazing.

Brian: Whoa, you almost got married. Okay. I’m surprised that never came up.

Molly: You’re gonna live your true Sophie Lespazio. You’re going to leave this chump and you’re going to have a year 1000 men. And so I did. I dated 1000 men in one year. And that’s when everything changed.

Brian: Did she say 1000 That’s more than two a day.

Sophie: Shh, it gets explained.

Molly: Who did I date? You ask? Everyone from finance bros with perfect abs to Brooklyn artists with uncut dongs. And the left I wanted them, the more they wanted me. I was pulled in all directions.

Men: Sophie, Sophie, Sophie.

Marcello: I wanna get drunk on your fumes.

Bowen: I don’t wanna use a condom.

Molly: Fine by me.

Brian: Hey, I think I’m gonna head out.

Sophie: Babe, don’t. Look, it’s loosely based on my life. It’s not all true.

Molly: All of this is true. As God is my witness, there have been no embellishments. About 998 bangs later, I was still feeling totally unfulfilled. But all of that was about to change because I met the one.

Brian: Okay, that’s sweet I guess.

Molly: My ex, Trevor, the one that got away.

Trevor: Hey, babe. I hope you didn’t mind being on TV while we sat courtside at the Lakers game?

Molly: No, that’s okay. I know all those guys anyway.

Brian: What? The Lakers?

Molly: But then I found out an ugly truth about him.

Trevor: Doctors told me I have a condition, or anytime you climax in the future, it’s still because of me.

Molly: And then he broke up with me. He moved to Anaheim to pursue his dream of running social media for Grub Hub. So the next day, I went to a bowling alley to get sloppy drunk when some guy approached me.

[Kenan acting as Brian, portraying him as very dorky person]

Kenan: Hello, I am Brian. Would you like to go out?

Molly: Whatever, I guess.

Brian: Oh my god.

Kenan: Well, my girlfriend Sophie Lespazio, a fancy playwright. I’m so proud. High-five. Nobody? Okay.

Molly: And after four weeks of dating, I couldn’t hold him off anymore. I had to buck up and finally have sex with him. Urgh.

Kenan: As they say that, the first time for everything.

Molly: It was one of the most painfully bland experiences of my life. And there it was. I had reached by 1000th man. It was time to officially settle in until I met someone who would change my life.

Andrew: Sorry to bug you. I’m just a huge fan of your writing. I see all your plays. You’re brilliant.

Molly: I met Mr. 1001.

Brian: Wait, is that the guy from five minutes ago. [Sophie is kissing Michael] Oh, come on!

Sally O’Malley- Jonas Brothers

Ross… Kenan Thompson

Gretel… Chloe Fineman

Bowen… Bowen Yang

Sally O’Malley… Molly Shannon

[Starts with a group of ladies dancing. Ross walks in]

Ross: Okay, okay, sorry to interrupt. Sorry to interrupt girls. Take a break. Gretel, Bowen, come on, we need to talk.

Bowen: Oh, hey, what’s up Ross?

Ross: Well, as the Jonas Brothers manager, part of my job is to deliver bad news. The boys want to hire new choreographer.

Gretel: You can’t fire us. We invented Joe bro choreo.

Bowen: Yeah, I gave Nick his head bop. He used to go side to side, and I told him to go up and down with a finger shimmy.

Ross: Be that as it may, the boys feel that they’re not a teenybopper band anymore. And they’re about to start their Vegas residency,so they want a more mature stage act.

Bowen: Mature? Who Do they think can do that?

Ross: It’s hard to describe, easier to see. Let her in.

[Sally O’Malley walks in]

Sally O’Malley: My name is Sally O’Malley. I’m 50 years old. Not one of those gals who’s afraid to tell a real age. And I like to kick, stretch and kick. I’m 50. 50 years old. 50 years old.

Ross: That’s right. The boys were visiting their grandmother and she took them to her senior centers production of Annie, and Sally here was scarring and she rocked their world. And they don’t want to fire anybody. They were just hoping that, you know, you could let Sally add a little something.

Bowen: Okay, Sally, what little something do you think you could add?

Sally O’Malley: Top five decades of Dirty Dancing and red panting. I got half a century of sizzlin, my lady schnitzel. Nothing wrong with that. Being a woman. The Grand Canyon’s got nothing on me.

Bowen: You know, I’ve engineered my entire life so I would never have to see what I just saw. And Russell, are you sure she’s 50?

Sally O’Malley: Honey, I’ve been 50 since before you was born.

Ross: Can you please just gave it a try? The boys feel that Sally represents who they are now.

Gretel: Do they? Then tell us who you are Sally.

Sally O’Malley: Listen, I’m a choo choo Charlie and a class act.

Bowen: Russell, I love you. I just think the Jonas Brothers are making a huge mistake.

Joe Jonas: Oh, is that what you think, huh?

Sally O’Malley: Well, well, well, if it isn’t Neil, Kalvin and John.

Nick Jonas: Yeah, Nick, Joe and Kevin. And we came by because we the feeling they may not understand your new concept. So I wanted to show him.

[The Jonas brothers open their clothes, and inside they’re wearing similar outfit to Sally O’Malley.]

Sally O’Malley: You looking good boys. Now put some bonus in your Jonas. Now hit it Russell.

[music playing]

Hip, hip
arms, arms
now kick, stretch
kick, stretch, kick, stretch

Bowen: Wait a second. Wait a second. Oh my god. I am so sorry I ever doubted you, Sally. I see it now. You’re gonna put the boys on stage in packed stadiums around the world and they’re gonna..

Joe: Kick.

Kevin: Stretch.

Nick: And jump.

Sally O’Malley: Jump? Neil, you’re fired.

Joe: Wait a second, Sally. You can take his place.

Kevin: Yeah, that’s a great idea. Do you know any of her songs?

Sally O’Malley: Absolutely not. I’m 50 years old. 50.

Pregnant Co-Worker

Susie… Molly Shannon

Jackie… Heidi Gardner

Jim… Kenan Thompson

Kennedy… Sarah Sherman

Marcello… Evan

[Starts with coworkers giving a gift to a pregnant coworker]

Susie: Oh my god, a waffle maker. That is so nice, Jackie.

Jackie: Well, I just thought maybe you could do Sunday morning waffles with your little girl.

Susie: That’s so sweet, I could cry.

Kennedy: We’re just so happy for you, Susie.

Andrew: Yeah, and we’re really gonna miss you.

Susie: Well, I’ll be back in a few months. Unless Jim fires me. [laughing]

Jim: Oh, come on now, I wouldn’t do that. That would be super illegal.

Susie: And hey, even though I’m starting maternity leave, I’m sure you’ll all be seeing plenty of me.

Bowen: I hope so. After all, I’m the godfather. I’ll make an offer you can’t resist. Still working on the impression.

Kennedy: I just can’t get over how beautiful you look.

Susie: Thank you, Kennedy. Honestly, I’ve actually never felt better. My nails are strong. My skin looks great. I’m just glowing. This is everything I’ve ever wanted.

Jackie: That is so inspiring.

Susie: Well, I’ll leave you guys with this saying that I found on brainyquote.com that really captures kind of the way I’m feeling right now. It’s so beautiful. [reading from a paper] “A mother always has to think twice. Once for herself and once for her child.” That just absolutely nails and maternal feeling surging through my body. Anyway, let me just grab this waffle maker. [Bends to grab the waffle maker, but then farts very long and loud.] God dammit, not again. How many freaking times is this gonna happen to me?

Jim: I’m sorry, was that-

Susie: A fart? Yes, Jim. I ripped a big old fart. Are you happy?

Jim: No. Definitely wouldn’t say happy.

Kennedy: So it was-

Susie: Not a baby, just gas. Yeah, Kennedy obviously. Guess you could have your waffle maker back. I can’t make Sunday morning waffles for a fart.

Jackie: Just keep it. I’m too embarrassed to explain why I’m returning it.

Susie: Dammit, I’ve been playing Mozart to a gas bubble for eight frickin month. I’m so stupid. [farts while sitting]

Andrew: Oh, smells like maybe it was twins. [giggling]

Jackie: Did you go to a doctor?

Susie: What kind of a doctor, Jackie? A fart doctor? Don’t taunt me. Whatever, at least I still get six months maternity leave.

Jim: You definitely do not. You forfeited your maternity leave when you’re stunk up the office.

Andrew: So Susie, this has happened more than once? [Susie is showing four fingers] Four times?

Bowen: How is that even possible, Sisie?

Susie: Oh my god.

Jackie: What?

Susie: I just remembered something. I feel so bad because I remember this morning on the bus, an old man gave me a seat. And then the bus hit a bump and he fell down in the aisle and he died.

Jackie: That was this morning?

Susie: Whatever. Well the good news is I can start drinking again.

Jim: You do know you have work, right?

Evan: Hey, Susie, I got your lunch order from the cafeteria.

Susie: Oh, thank you so much, Evan.

Jackie: What did you get?

Susie: Oh, I get the same thing every day. I get cat fish sliders. [starts eating] Umm, it is really hitting the spot in a very unbelievable way. [Susie stomach gets bigger instantly]

Jackie: Susie, look at your stomach.

Susie: Oh my god. It’s a miracle.

Jim: No.

Susie: It’s a miracle.

Jim: No.

Susie: Guys, I have some really exciting news. I wanted to tell you that I’m pregnant again. Well there’s no need to take a pregnancy test. Call it a mother’s intuition I really think it’d be a nice gesture for all of you to organize a baby shower for me.

Kennedy: You’re not pregnant, Susie. It’s just gas from you’re hungry ass pounding cat fish sliders at 11 AM.

Susie: Look Kennedy, I know you’re a single gal whoring around the city, so you couldn’t possibly understand how- [starts farting again] Oh my god. No. How much suffering can one mother bear? Whatever. At least I can smoke again.

Bowen: No, wait Susie, don’t light that cigar!

[As Susie lights the lighter, the office explodes with all the gas that she farted.]

Molly Shannon Monologue

Molly Shannon

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Molly Shannon.

[Molly Shannon walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Molly Shannon: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Oh my god, it’s so great to be back. I’ve had such a fun year. My daughter Stella started college. My son Nolan’s about to graduate high school. And I wrote a book about my life called “Hello Molly.” And, you know, it’s interesting because a lot of people were surprised by how honest I was about some of the hard times my family had. I mean, we all have problems, right? But my dad always taught me to keep my chin up and never give up on my showbiz dreams. He would play me old classic musicals and he would tell me, “You know, Molly, no matter what problems you face, if you keep a positive attitude, everything will turn out okay.” I can almost hear him now saying…

[singing] You’ll be swell, you’ll be great
you’re gonna have the whole world’s on a plate
starting here, starting now
honey, everything’s coming up, roses,
curtain up, light the light
you got nothing to hit, but the hype

Molly Kearney: Molly, sorry I crashed your monologue. But I know exactly what you mean. I’ve got real problems too.

Molly Shannon: Like, what’s your problem, Molly?

Molly Kearney: Well, I’m not really in the show much tonight. So I’m interrupting your song to get more camera time.

Molly Shannon: Oh, that’s a great idea.

Molly Kearney: Can I stay out here?

Molly Shannon: No.

Clear the debt, clear that track
you got nothing to do but relax
blow a kiss, take a bow
honey everything’s coming up, roses

Kenan, what about you? What’s your problem?

Kenan: I can’t stop buying fake Rolexes.

Molly shannon: What about you guys? What are your problems?

Andrew Dismukes: I still dress like a little boy.

Chloe Fineman: I pretend to have a peanut allergy for attention.

Bowen Yang: I’m attracted to my therapist.

Ego Nwodim: I just tested positive for COVID. Ha-ha-ha.

Bowen Yang: Wait, what?

Molly Shannon: Honey, everything’s coming up, roses

How about you, the audience? Who here is embarrassed by how often they check Instagram? [cheers] Who was in an unhealthy codependent relationship? We got a few. Who lost their job in the pandemic and secretly hopes that other people are suffering too? [laughter] What about you Lorne? What’s your problem?

Lorne Michaels: I don’t have any problem.

Molly Shannon: What about you, Martin Short?

Martin Short: I ran out of ozempic!

Molly Shannon: Everyone, come up here. Come on. Put away your problems and stop worrying. You know why?

Because you’ll be swelled, you’ll be great
I can tell, just you wait

All: And nothing’s gonna stop us till we’re through

Molly Shannon: Honey, everything’s coming up, roses and Daffodil,
everything’s coming up, sunshine and Santa Claus.
everything’s coming up, roses for me and for you

Thank you daddy. Superstar. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Jonas Brothers are here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

Drug Commercial

Keith… Andrew Dismukes

Molly Shannon

Molly Kearney

Ego Nwodim

Keith: Okay, looks like our actors have arrived on set. What do you say we do this thing?

Molly: I know I’m ready.

Kearney: Yeah.

Ego: Let’s do it. Yeah.

Molly: Keath, I just wanted to say, thank you so much for letting me do this drug commercial. I’m someone who never thought much about medications until I got older. But this script is really sensitive to women’s issues, and honestly, I think will help people.

Keith: Well, thank you. I hope so too. What do you say? We’ll give it a try, huh?

Molly: I think that sounds terrific.

Keith: All right, places everybody. And action.

[music playing]

Molly: There is a new drugs for gals over 40
it’s hormone free and made just for me.
easy to use, and it’s super effective

Ego and Kearney: That’s unexpected, so what is it called?

Molly: It’s called Vagerted,
how great a name is that, it’s called Vagerted

Ego and Kearney: And where is it inserted?

Molly: I think you already know
and once Vergerted inside you, then you’re ready to go

All: Whoo!

Keith: And cut. Okay, wow. Not bad for first take, y’all.

Molly: I actually just have a concern slash question.

Keith: Oh, you don’t think it’s dignified enough?

Molly: No, that’s not it at all. I actually really love what you’re doing with Vegerted.. I was just wondering if we’re all doing it justice. Like, some of us are up here really selling it and then some of us or maybe one or two of us are not quite giving it the same energy. I don’t want to put fingers. I don’t know. I would just be so sad if people didn’t buy Vegerted because the dancing was mid.

Ego: Okay, I don’t know what that was. But I also have a question. This drug is from menopause. Right? So why doesn’t the song just come out and say that?

Keith: Well, we don’t want people to change the channel. Let’s try this next verse and get a little more energy this time.

Molly: That’s a great note. It’s a great note for everyone. [looking around]

Keith: Okay. And action.

Molly: In just one week you’ll notice the difference
insert it down there just deep as you can
no more high flashes, good bye to libido

Ego and Kearney: Well, that’s needed, what is it called?

Molly: Vegerted, that’s the name they chose
they chose Vegerted
come on girls, let’s dance

Kenan: Vegeta is not for everybody. So ask your doctor if it’s right for you. If he says no, find another doctor. Just keep going to different doctors until one of them says you can take Vegeta.

Kearney: What did he call it?

Kenan: Do not use the Vegeta if you are allergic to Vegeta. If you are allergic to peanuts, don’t you put a peanut in your Vageta.

Ego: Peanut?

Kenan: Everybody reacts differently to Vegeta. Some people like Vegeta, some people do not. I personally think Vegeta Gina very nice. Clinical trials of Vegeta have not yet been completed, in the sense that they have not yet started.

Ego: That’s not good.

Kenan: Vegeta should not be taken orally, even though it tastes real good. It is highly addictive. It gives you an alcohol like Buzz but with no hangover. I wish I had a Vegeta so I can take Vegeta. Try vagina today.

Molly: Okay, can we stop?

Ego: Yeah, he just said try vagina today. This product sounds really awful.

Molly: I’ll tell you what’s awful. Look around. It’s like one of us is Beyonce and the other two are really bad at dancing.

Kearney: What’s your problem? You were so nice at the audition.

Molly: Yeah, that’s what I do.

Ego: Okay, we’re out of here.

Kearney: Good luck, Keith, you’ll never replace us.

Molly: Well, now what do we do?

Kenan: Hit the music.

Molly: There’s a new drug for gals over 40

Kenan: It’s called va-jay-jay

Molly: I think it’s Vegerted.

Kenan: Whatever. Just dance.

Male voice: Ask your doctor if Vajayjay is right for you.

CNN App

Anderson Cooper… Michael Longfellow

Van Jones… Devon Walker

Dana Bash… Chloe Fineman

Wolf Blitzer… Sarah Sherman

Maggie Haberman.. Molly Shannon

Lindsey Graham… James Austin Johnson

Alvin Bragg… Kenan Thompson

Female voice: These days, it’s hard not to feel stressed out and overwhelmed. Sure Trump got indicted. But now everyone says the case against him is weak and that he’ll never serve any jail time. As someone whose entire personality is hating Donald Trump, you need more. You need to feel calm and reassured. You need the newest meditation app. CNZen. The only app that suits you in the most militant liberals with essential details from Trump’s arrest. Featuring your favorite CNN anchors and correspondents.

Anderson Cooper: He’s the first American president to ever be indicted. This is truly a historic and humiliating moment.

Van Jones: Trump is a sad, defeated man. They made him come from Florida, where it’s 80 degrees, to New York, where it’s only 60 degrees. How depressing for him?

Dana Bash: And his motorcade wasn’t even that big. I thought it would be bigger, but it was so small.

Wolf Blitzer: Donald was all alone. No family or friends to support him. I shouldn’t say this as a journalist, but what a loser.

Female voice: Let New York Times reporter Maggie Haberman soothe you to sleep.

Maggie Haberman: This is his worst nightmare. And he’s really freaking out because now he knows there are consequences. Consequences.

Female voice: You can also listen to clips of Trump and his allies desperately spiraling.

Lindsey Graham: Please, Donald J. Trump is an innocent man and he needs your help. Send him all your money today at DonaldJTrumpRU/Fundraisingscam.guilty.

Female voice: Trump’s next court appearance won’t be till at least December. That’s why CNZen has a whole section of Trump indictment ASMR.

Maggie Haberman: Can you hear him getting fingerprinted? And the DA opening his big leather briefcase. Oh, and a little gavel from a judge. I wonder if you’ll even hear handcuffs.

Female voice: With additional in app purchases like audio erotica of District Attorney Aven Bragg reading all 34 felony counts.

Alvin Bragg: Count one, falsifying business records in the first degree. Count two, falsifying business records in the first degree. Count three, falsifying business-

Heidi: Helpless couch is as clumsy as the DA’s case.

Female voice: CNZen, because you waited seven years for this indictment, and you want every delicious detail.

Maggie Haberman: And what ethnicity is Trump’s judge again?

Alvin Bragg: Hispanic.

Maggie Haberman: Ah!

Female voice: CNZen, in your mind, he’s already in jail.

Weekend Update- Michelangelo’s David Defends Art

Michael Che

Michelangelo’s David… Michael Longfellow

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Last week, a Florida principal was forced to resign out the parents were outraged when a photo of Michelangelo’s David, a new statue, was shown during a lesson on Renaissance art. Here to comment, Michelangelo’s David.

Michelangelo’s David: Michael, hey, thanks for having me.

Michael Che: Wow. Michael Angelo’s David.

Michelangelo’s David: Hey.

Michael Che: Hey, man, I’m sorry, but I’m over here. Can you not turn your head?

Michelangelo’s David: Oh, I’ve actually never tried. Let’s find out. [Yells out loud while turning his head to Michael Che.] Well, that hurt like hell.

Michael Che: Yeah. So Da- David, how are you dealing with this Florida controversy? I mean, those parents were pretty upset.

Michelangelo’s David: Those parents are ignorant prudes. What are they even talking about and the world’s greatest sculpture, and I’m a very pretty boy.

Michael Che: Well, it sounds like the parents didn’t want their kids to see your privates.

Michelangelo’s David: Hey, I’m proud of my tiny shiny penis and my big stone pubes. I’ve got nothing to hide. I’m beautiful. And I think your audience deserves to see that. Who wants to see that? Huh?

Michael Che: No, no. David! No, we can’t do that. What is wrong with you people?

Michelangelo’s David: Why? I want to do it.

Michael Che: Well, you can’t show that. One parent said it was pornographic.

Michelangelo’s David: It’s art. It’s not pornography. [looks down] Okay, well right now it’s pornography. I’ll tell you when it’s hard again.

Michael Che: That’s fine. If people want to see it, they can go to a museum in Italy or look at it online.

Michelangelo’s David: Oh, you’re one of those guys. We can see it online. I can see whatever I need to online. That’s sad. Look, I am from the Bible, okay? I kill Goliath with a tiny rock and my faith in God Dong out. You ever been in a fight with your dog out?

Michael Che: No.

Michelangelo’s David: Answer me. Have you ever been in a fight with your dog out?

Michael Che: I did answer. I said no.

Michelangelo’s David: I’m serious Che. Fight with your dog out? Yes or No?

Michael Che: No.

Michelangelo’s David: Well, you should try it. It really distracts the other guy. Quite a bit. You know what I mean?

Michael Che: no.

Michelangelo’s David: You know what? I’m just gonna show it. I’m just gonna show it.

Michael Che: No, please don’t, man.

Michelangelo’s David: Come on. What are you scared of? All the best art is nude. Me, nude. Venus de Milo, nude. Statue of Liberty shows feet.

Michael Che: What are you talking about?

Michelangelo’s David: I’m saying you the most beautiful piece of art in the world sitting next to you and you don’t even want to look at it.

Michael Che: I see it. I can see it now.

Michelangelo’s David: And?

Michael Che: I mean, I’m no expert, but it’s kind of small.

Michelangelo’s David: While most people see it from below, and you want to come under, see it from below?

Michael Che: No. I do not.

Michelangelo’s David: Well, while you’re looking at it, do you notice that like the hair up here is the same down here? But that’s not like, right. Right? It’s too thick. It’s like rocks. Look.

Michael Che: Dude, no. Don’t show that please. No, don’t show that please.

Michelangelo’s David: It’s just rocks. God, Americans are uptight. Did you want the Italian version of SNL, you can show full penetration?

Michael Che: What?

Michelangelo’s David: Our Matt Foley lived in a man down by the river.

Michael Che: You know what? If you want to show it so bad, then show it. We’re all watching.

Michelangelo’s David: Well, now I’m shy.

Michael Che: Get out of here, man. Michelangelo’s David, everybody.

Michelangelo’s David: Can I show my big bare ass?

Michael Che: No. Get out of here.

Weekend Update- Marcello Hernández on Being a Short King

Colin Jost

Marcello Hernandez

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: It’s April and that can only mean one thing, the celebration of short men that the internet has dubbed short king spring. Here in common is our very own short King, Marcelo Hernandez.

Marcello Hernandez: Hey, Colin. It’s great to be here.

Colin Jost: Hey, Marcello. Thanks for being here. So can you walk us through what it means to be a short King?

Marcello Hernandez: Yeah, well, it’s basically something women say as if it’s a compliment, but it’s kind of the condescending. Short King? It’s an insult followed by a compliment. You wouldn’t call someone a snaggletooth genius.

Colin Jost: Well, if it helps, I never thought of you as a short man, and you’re welcome for that.

Marcello Hernandez: Okay, call it and Seto. I know I’m short. And you know how I know? Because when I lie about my height, I say I’m 5’9″, which means I’m really 5’7.5″, and I’m lying about the half. What height do you say Colin?

Colin Jost: Well, I’m 6 feet.

Marcello Hernandez: Oh, so you’re 5’9″ nine?

Colin Jost: No, I’m 6 feet.

Marcello Hernandez: No, if you were 6 feet, you would say 6’2″.

Colin Jost: No, I’m exactly 6 feet.

Marcello Hernandez: Okay. Then let’s stand back to back.

Colin Jost: I don’t want to do that.

Marcello Hernandez: Interesting. Colin, Short Kings like us should be proud of our heritage. You know, we come from a long line of grapes. Kevin Hart, Bruno Mars Prince, Dominions, Al Pacino. I’m sorry, I’m just thinking out loud here. Mark Wahlberg, Jack Black, Yoda, Tom Holland. Lil Wayne, it’s right there in the name. Martin Short, again, it’s right there in the name. Leonel Messi, Pablo Picasso, John Leguizamo, Danny DeVito. Beethoven the composer was five six, and the dog was even shorter.

Colin Jost: That’s great to know. Yeah, thank you. I think we get it. Yeah.

Marcello Hernandez: Now let’s think of some tall guys. Osama Bin Laden is6’4″. Slender Man 6’Colin Jost0″. Armie Hammer, 7’3″.

Colin Jost: Armie Hammer is not 7’3″.

Marcello Hernandez: Okay, sorry. I forgot you two were friends.

Colin Jost: We’re friendly.

Marcello Hernandez: No. You know, the worst thing about tall men is when they say hello to us petite princes. They go too low and they use a baby voice. They go like, “Hey bud, everything gopd down there?” And then when they’re done talking to you, they never say this but it always feels like they say it, and they don’t say it, but it does feel like they say it. When they’re done talking, they go “Alright, I gotta go back up.” Colin, what I’m trying to say is us tiny Titans, we got to-

Colin Jost: Stop saying us.

Marcello Hernandez: Then stand back to back with me.

Colin Jost: No.

Marcello Hernandez: Okay. Well look, short kings, we were born kings. We’ve become kings. We’ve done the work. We learned how to dance, not because we wanted to but because we had to. Tall guys like Michael Che, they don’t gotta learn how to dance. They just stand in the back of the party like… Meanwhile, you and me are down there on the desk working, Colin. And not because we want to but because we had to.

Colin Jost: Again, I’m 6 feet tall.

Marcello Hernandez: Yeah, you’re a tower. Anywho, for all my short kings watching at home, stay strong, live large and be proud of the tiny little person that you are. So let’s show him, Colin. Stand up and go back to back with me.

Colin Jost: For the last time, I can’t do that.

Marcello Hernandez: Why not?

Colin Jost: Because Marcelo, I’m already standing.

Marcello Hernandez: I knew it. I knew it.

Colin Jost: My fellow short King, Marcello Hernandez.

Marcello Hernandez: We’re 5’8″. We’re 5’8″.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Donald Trump Indicted

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump.]

Well, great news for conservatives, New York is finally cracking down on crime. Former President Donald Trump was indicted for his role in paying hush money to porn star Stormy Daniels. And the trial will be like a Stormy Daniels movie, because I’m deeply ashamed that how excited I am to watch it. Trump will reportedly surrender next week but his lawyer Joe Tacopina, who Trump definitely calls Joe Tapioca, said that the President will not be put in handcuffs. Though he would consider wearing fake breakaway handcuffs and a Superman t shirt.

When Trump surrenders New York City Police will take his official mug shot, which you know, is the only thing Trump cares about getting right. I’m sure he’s hoping it’ll look cool, like Frank Sinatra’s, but I bet it’ll end up closer to Nick Nulty.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump]

Michael Che: Trump is reportedly being charged with 34 counts of business fraud. Business fraud is also what they call the Trump costume that spirit Halloween.

[Picture changes to Joe Biden]

President Biden on Friday told reporters that he had no comment on Trump’s indictment, and then he danced away like the Six Flags guy.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump]

Colin Jost: I think in general that people might be overreacting to this indictment. Like, an actual headline on CNN yesterday was “Nothing in American history approaches the tumult of the charging impossible trial conviction of a former president.” A more accurate headline would be “Man we all knew was criminal, may be criminal.” At this point, it feels like even pro Trump people have moved on. I mean, I went down to the courthouse today and I was the only protester there.

Michael Che: I told them not to laugh at you.

Colin Jost: I was sure. Am i not miced? And then I was just like, “Oh, I just suck.”

Michael Che: Alright, moving right along.

Colin Jost: God!

Michael Che: Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene-

Colin Jost: You’re evil.

Michael Che: Plans to come to New York on Tuesday to protest Trump’s indictment because apparently it takes her three days to put on her Joker makeup. They’ll probably laugh at this next one.

Colin Jost: That’s the meanest thing you’ve ever done. I’m covered in sweat. [cheers and applause] No, no. Don’t even dare. Don’t you even are try now.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Ron DeSantis.]

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis who thinks he’s Gaston, but girl, you LeFou. Ran DeSantis- [laughing] I’m shaking. Ron DeSantis said Florida officials would not help extradite Trump back to New York unless of course he agrees to take a busload of migrants with him.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden.]

Michael Che: In the wake of the Nashville shooting, President Biden once again called on Congress to pass an assault weapons ban. Or hear me out, stop and frisk for whites. How long before these kids aren’t a stereotype?

Colin Jost: Boo.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Andy Ogles family holding guns.]

Congressman Andy Ogles who represents the district where the National Shooting to place is being criticized for a Christmas card where he and his family are holding assault rifles. Okay, even putting aside mass shootings, who are you psycho sending these cards to? If I received that in the mail, I would move. All this card tells you is “I’m armed. I have terrible judgment, and I know where you live.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Jamaal Bowman and Thomas Massie.]

Michael Che: Democratic Representative Jamaal Bowman and Republican Thomas Massie got into a screaming match on Capitol Hill after Bowman called the GOP gutless coward for opposing gun control. Which is a cheap shot because if there’s one thing Republicans definitely have, it’s big old guts.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump.]

Colin Jost: Trump has also been promoting a song called ‘Justice For All’ which features himself and acquire men jailed for their roles in the January 6th attack. And I feel bad for the January 6 singers because jail gets a lot worse once the other prisoners find out you’re in an acapella group.