Tag: Update

Weekend Update Trumps 14 Page Response to Jan 6 Subpoena Kanye Wests AntiSemitic Tweets

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

After the January 6 committee subpoenaed Donald Trump, Trump responded the next day with a 14 page letter. 14 pages. Okay. Unabomber. I don’t know if this is a coincidence, but Trump wrote the letter on the same day the FDA confirmed the nation is experiencing a shortage of Adderall. And I just know from experience in college, anytime I wrote a 14 page paper in one night, I’d also taken a disturbing amount of Adderall. My favorite part of Trump’s letter is the beginning because it’s on really nice letterhead. It starts “Dear Chairman Thompson”. And then the first line is just screaming. It’s like reading a Victorian love letter that says “My beloved Winifred, who the hell are you having sex with?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Nancy Pelosi and Mike Pence at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The committee showed a never before seen video from January 6 of a desperate Nancy Pelosi speaking on the phone with Mike Pence. Which tuppence counts as adultery. In the video, Pelosi said that she wanted to punch out Donald Trump and knew that if she did, she’d go to jail and be happy. I assume because she owns stock in private prisons.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Herschel Walker at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: During last night’s Georgia Senate debate Rafail Warnock accused Herschel Walker of lying about working in law enforcement. Then Walker pulled out a prop badge and said “I am work with many police officers,” which is yet another sign that Herschel Walker is has brain problems.

[Picture changes to Mitch McConnell]

Senator Mitch McConnell seen here watching someone get injured at the Special Olympics, said that he is not concerned with threats Donald Trump makes at his rallies to remove him as Senate Minority Leader. In fact, McConnell says the threats make him laugh harder than his favorite comedy show Dahmer.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kanye West at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Kanye West’s anti-semitic tweets were condemned by the Black Jewish Entertainment Alliance. Just say Lenny Kravitz.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s are pictures of Elon Musk and Kanye West at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: After Kanye West unhinged social media post, Elon Musk tweeted “Talk to Ye and express my concerns about his recent tweet, which I think he took to heart.” Well, that settles it. If there’s one thing we all trust Elon with, it’s successfully reading another human beings emotional cues.

Weekend Update Devon Walker on Adjusting to New York City

Michael Che

Devin Walker

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Season 48 is underway and things are going well. Here to talk about how he’s adjusting is our new cast member, Devin Walker.

[Devon Walker slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Devon Walker: Thank you for having me, Che.

Michael Che: Anytime, man. So how’s this whole experience been for you, man? You diggin New York?

Devon Walker: Not really. If I’m being honest, I think New York’s a little overrated.

Michael Che: Wow. Where are you from?

Devon Walker: I’m from Texas.

Michael Che: Oh, Texas.

[cheers]

Devon Walker: What? You know, I mean, honestly, don’t do that. Don’t do that. I hate how New Yorkers talk about where I’m from. All right? Every single time I tell the New Yorker I’m from Texas, they apologize to me like I fought in a war. Every single time, they’re like, “Oh my god, I’m so sorry that happened to you.” They’ll say stuff like that. And it’s like Texas isn’t a perfect place. But every single time I step outside of my apartment in New York, I see the worst thing I’ve ever seen in my life. And that’s a normal thing to see. All right? Like, one time I saw a kid get into a fistfight with a bird. And the bird was winning. I told my homies from the neighborhood what I saw him, he goes, “Oh, that’s just Mike.” That’s what he said. And I know if he was talking about the kid or the bird. If you saw that in Texas, they’d shut Texas down forever, alright? Nobody would go to school or anything. They just hang out at home until the vibes got right again.

Michael Che: Well, you just got here. I’m sure you’ll start to fit in.

Devon Walker: Alright, speaking of fitting in, can I ask the audience a question real quick?

Michael Che: Okay.

Devon Walker: Hey, guys. Y’all think I look like a catcaller?

Audience: Yeah.

[laughing]

Devon Walker: I don’t think I look like one, but ever since I moved here, every time I see a dude who’s doing a cat call, we have on the exact same outfit. Sometimes I pass woman on the street and I see them look at me and they go like that. They try to dodge me real quick. And I know why it happens. All right? I’m a large man. Large men be responsible for a lot of bad things historically. But I’ve been trying to figure out how to communicate to these women that I’m not going to do anything weird. So anytime one tries to avoid me, I’ve just been whispering like “Ay, baby girl. Don’t worry about it. I’m regular.”

Michael Che: Why are you whispering?

Devon Walker: I don’t know, man. My body’s big. I’m trying to make my voice little, okay? It’s hard out here.

Michael Che: You might be overthinking it, Devin.

Devon Walker: I don’t think I am. Alright. Look, watch this. Watch this. Hey, real quick. Were my straight boys at? Yeah, morale is real low right now. If I would have asked that question in 1996, the building would have exploded. 30 Rock would just be gone because the hetero boys brought it down. we get a lot of bad press right now. We get a lot of bad press. I think we can change it. I think we got to do a culture shift. I think that’s what we need. I think all of us need to try to be a little bit more gay.

Michael Che: Say what now?

Devon Walker: I said what I said, Michael, all right? Our culture is bad. We need to shift. Every single year 37 of my homies invite me to be in a fantasy football league. And I don’t think the straight communities knows that we don’t have to do that. I just want my brothers to be free. Next time one of my homies asked me if I’m drafting Tom Brady, I swear I’ll be like, “Nah, dog, I’m trying to kiss you on the lips actually.”

Michael Che: Devon Walker, everybody.

Devon Walker: I’m gonna kiss Michael Che.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Congressional Candidate Stars in Own Sex Tape MethFilled Pumpkins

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set. There’s a picture of Peloton logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A popular Peloton instructor is suing the company for nearly $2 million alleging that an executive mocked him for being Irish. In response, the executive countersued him for all the treasure in his pot of gold.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Mike Itkis at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Manhattan congressional candidate Mike Itkis started in his own sex tape in an effort to publicize his campaign. You know what? I’m gonna vote for him. Because I watched that video and we share a lot of the same positions.

[Picture changes to a calendar marked on 13th October]

Thursday was national no bra day, which is celebrated by not supporting women. It’s a bra joke.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of mushrooms and United airlines at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: United Airlines passenger who was high on mushrooms assaulted two flight attendants. While over at Spirit Airlines, bath salts are the in flight snack.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a dog and its certificate at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Pebbles, who was the world’s oldest living dog has died at the age of 22. But it’s okay, his owners knew this was coming if they didn’t keep them off my yard.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of kids riding bikes at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Some parents in Oregon are having large groups of their children ride their bikes to school at the same time in a formation they’re calling a bike bus, and pedophiles are calling a buffet.

[Picture changes to a gray whale]

Researchers say the number of gray whales of Western North America has continued to decline for several years. It’s a sad fact that makes me wonder if whale oil is really the best way to give my hair this amazing volume.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a chess board and NFL logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A growing number of NFL players are filling up their off time by playing chess with each other. And also, let’s see here, domestic violence. That’s how they’re spending their time, Colin.

[Cut to . There’s a picture of contact lenses container at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A video has gone viral of a doctor removing nearly two dozen contact lenses from a woman’s eye that she had forgotten were in there. And you know, you messed up when your doctor is like, “Hey, can I film this?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Benefits of colonoscopies overestimated” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new studies suggest that the benefits of preventative colonoscopy is may be overestimated, but the pleasures are undeniable.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of packed meths at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Border officials have discovered $400,000 worth of meth hidden inside pumpkins. They could tell the pumpkins were full of meth because they only had like three teeth left. [Picture changes to a halloween pumpkin with bad teeth]

Weekend Update Velma Comes Out as a Lesbian Artist Sells Urine for 500

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Doctors worry about telling middle-aged women to lose weight” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Some doctors are worried about a new recommendation asking them to encourage middle aged women to lose weight. also worried about women losing too much weight, black guys.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Empire State building at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The Empire State— What? The Empire State Building lit up blue and white to celebrate Aaron Judge hitting his record 6Michael Chend Home run to the season. While over in Queens, a porta potty was set on fire in honor of the Mets blowing the division.

[cut to an article that says “Velma out as a lesbian”]

In a new Scooby Doo Halloween specialty, character Velma is openly depicted as a lesbian. Finally. She was openly depicted as lesbian which explains why Scooby is now a rescue pitbull.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marked on 5th of October at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Wednesday was National Coffee With A Cop day and something tells me cops like their coffee black with a couple of shots in it.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a sky scraper in san Francisco at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: [laughing] Michael! new skyscrapers being designed in San Francisco featuring a clear glass cube on top, it will appear to be floating. And then a week later, appear to be covered in dead birds.

[picture changes to a calendar marked on 4th of October]

This Tuesday was national vodka day. Oh, so that’s why my dad called.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of pumpkin at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Hefty has introduced pumpkin spice into trash bags and I gotta say ‘pumpkin spice into trash bags’ is probably the best slur for white people I’ve ever heard.

Weekend Update Marcello Hernández on the MLB Playoffs

Colin Jost

Marcelo Hernandez

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Major League Baseball season wrapped up this week and the playoffs are underway. Here to give us his thoughts is new SNL cast member Marcelo Hernandez.

[Marcelo Hernandez slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Marcelo Hernandez: Yes, thank you. Thank you, New York. Thank you, Colin.

Colin Jost: What’s up Marcelo? So are you a baseball fan?

Marcelo Hernandez: Well, Colin, you know, my mom is from Cuba. And my dad is from the Dominican Republic. So obviously, they’re divorced. But it also means I love baseball. You know, Latinos dominate baseball. And I’m not saying we’re naturally better. I’m just saying we’re more fun to watch. I mean, who would you rather watch play baseball? Tanner from Kentucky, or a guy that they call Papi and no one knows why. This guy got so good at his job, everyone started calling him Dad. Like Colin, has anybody here ever called you, daddy?

Colin Jost: I’d rather not say. What about like Aaron Judge? Right? He just hit his 62nd home run, set the AL record

Marcelo Hernandez: Yeah, I think it’s impressive, Colin, but there just wasn’t enough emotion for me. He hits his 62nd home run, puts the bat down gently. And then it’s a couple of high fives and straight to the dugout. When a Dominican guy hits a homerun Colin, he throws the bat to a different dimension. And once he gets the home plate, he thanks everyone he’s ever encountered. He’s like “Thank you to my mother and my sister and my father and that one guy from that day I beat up that one time.” Everything changes when they bring out the Dominican guy. The American announcer who’s been speaking English the whole game gets an accent all of a sudden. Now this guy named Jeff is like, “A now coming to the plane, frrrom San Do-Do-Diego, Starling Marte.” Cue the Merengue music. Even the white guys in the crowd are like, “To-go-to-go-tinga tanka kung kang.” Then this guy comes up and he pulls a chain out of nowhere. He tells the pitcher to relax. And then he brings Jesus into it, he’s like “In the name of the Father and…” And then once he gets to batting, Colin it’s all hips. Do you feel that Colin?

Colin Jost: I’m pretty sure it feel it, yeah.

Marcelo Hernandez: Everyone in the crowd is pregnant by the time he’s done back. And the postgame interviews are different Colin. white guys are so boring. They’re always talking about the game. It’s like we had a game plan and we executed it.

Colin Jost: But I bet Latin guys do a different?

Marcelo Hernandez: Don’t do that, Colin. I don’t like that. But yes, it is very different. After a baseball game, Latin guys, if they do get a sentence off in English, it’s not about the game. The reporter is like “What was going through your head on that 3-2 slider? And then Ramon is like, “Man, I love Miami man. The weather, the people, the food is amazing.” Have you noticed Colin, they really only speak English until they lose patience. You know? You ask them a loaded question and they go, “Well, for the song, I think that—” [starts speaking Spanish aggressive]

Colin Jost: Marcelo Hernandez, everyone.

Marcelo Hernandez: Thank you.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che, goodnight.

Weekend Update Dr Oz Experiments Killed 300 Dogs Planned Parenthood Opens Mobile Clinic

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a pictures of Herschel Walker and DeniDr. Oz at left top corner.]

While the midterms are only a month away, and is it just me or some candidates trying to lose? Let’s start a Pennsylvania with Dr. Oz, seen here telling the audience how many minutes he’s lived in Pennsylvania. [Dr. Oz is showing his five fingers.] A review of scientific studies published by Dr. Oz [picture changes to an article that says “Experiments kill over 300 dogs”] revealed that his experiments killed over 300 dogs, but eventually he got the recipe right. [picture changes to a box of Dr. Oz’s meatballs] Dr. Oz has refused to comment on the report that his research killed over 300 Dogs, though it’s possible he couldn’t hear the question over the woodchipper.

But don’t worry. Dr. Oz won everybody back last night when he gave his speech in front of Hitler’s car. Worse, He then got into the car and backed over a dog.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Herschel Walker at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Georgia Senate candidate Herschel Walker denied reports that he paid for a girlfriend’s abortion saying “I sent money to a lot of people” before adding “You know, for abortions.” After news broke that Walker paid for his ex girlfriend’s abortion, he raised more than $500,000 because dollars are the only thing Walker is willing to raise.

[Cut to . There’s a picture of  Ron DeSantis at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Florida governor and Dallas Cowboys cheerleader Ron DeSantis explained why so many residents fail to evacuate saying “Some people just don’t want to leave their homes, which is why sometimes you have to trick them onto a plane to Martha’s Vineyard.” [picture changes to an article that says “DeSantis flies migrants to Martha’s Vineyard”]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Stewart Rhodes at right top corner]

Michael Che: During the trial of Oathkeepers founders Stewart Rhodes whose beard is patchier then his eye, prosecuters played a recording of him saying that his only regret about the January 6 attacks was not bringing rifles, which sounds like an obvious confession of guilt. But try looking at things from Rhodes’s perspective with little to no depth perception.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week, President Biden pardoned thousands of convicted marijuana users and it feels like maybe he celebrated with them a little because yesterday, Biden gave a speech at a car factory and opened with this.

[Cut to Joe Biden’s speech opening]

Joe Biden: I’m gonna start off with two words – “Made in America”.

Colin Jost: Wow, well let me respond with two words, Jesus H Christ. Biden was then heard criticizing reporters at the White House for shouting questions at him, questions like “What year is it?” and “Who’s the current president?” Also they weren’t reporters, they were doctors.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are picture of Kanye West and Tucker Carlson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Kanye West appeared on Tucker Carlson show to defend wearing a white lives matter shirt claiming he wore the shirt because he was using a gut instinct. But what he’s definitely not using are the meds prescribed to him.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s an article that says “Pilot draws queen portrait with flight path” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A British pilot created the largest ever portrait of Queen Elizabeth by drawing her outline on a flight path over the country. Let’s see a picture. [picture changes to a very badly drawn face on sky] Wow, that’s a stunning likeness. She always was smiling.

[Picture changes to Planned Parenthood logo]

Planned Parenthood says it will soon open its first mobile abortion clinic in the country, which will make it easier to provide care to patients anywhere in the country that Herschel Walker has visited.

Weekend Update Black Ariel on Disneys LiveAction Ariel Remake

Colin Jost

Ariel… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Disney… Great transition. Disney recently made history after announcing the live action remake of “The Little Mermaid” featuring a black Ariel. Here to comment is black Ariel.

[Ariel slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Ariel: Hi. Thanks so much, Colin. You know, you can you can just call me Ariel. I don’t call you white Colin to your face.

Colin Jost: That’s my bad. So Ariel, some people online are now calling you a hero and a role model.

Ariel: Role model to who? Black girls who want to be a fish? I gotta be honest, Colin, it’s a lot of pressure. People are all like, “Oh, Ariel, you’re perfect. You’re the hero we need.” Bitch, I am normal.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I guess hero’s a lot to live up to.

Ariel: Yeah, it is. I did not ask for any of this. My mom got drunk and had sex with a tuna and now I’m here. Yo, well, y’all gotta chill with the  hero talk.

Colin Jost: Right. So I guess you’re not perfect, right?

Ariel: Honestly, worse than that. I’m kind of bad. Yeah, I grew up rich. Like, Bezos rich. My dad was the king of the sea. We had money money. I used to ride around a little see horses for fun.

Colin Jost: What’s wrong with that?

Ariel: Down there, those are just poor people. Yeah.

Colin Jost: Wow, yeah, well, that’s not great. No.

Ariel: I’m dumb too, Colin. Yes. Like stupid stupid. My brains have fish. I’m dead ass by the worm on a hook, gets me every damn time.

Colin Jost: Me too, sometimes. Ariel why are you telling us all this?

Ariel: Because I’m just trying to get ahead of stuff. For example, I hate the ocean. I’m pro SeaWorld. I met Shamu. And let me put it like this, I’m glad has ass us locked up.

Colin Jost: Wow, okay, well, I’m sure there’s some other—

Ariel: Also, supported the war in Iraq. Got nothing to do with being in the sea, just wanted revenge for 9/11 Jost. Come on, I know some of you did too, stop playing.

Colin Jost: Alright. Okay. I don’t know why you’re telling us all this but I understand there’s a lot of pressure being the hero.

Ariel: Also did the oil spill.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. What?

Ariel: Did the BP oil spill. Yes. I ran up on that pipeline drunk as hell one night and did a little damage. Yes, to this day flounder still won’t talk to me.

Colin Jost: I’m so sorry. Well, Ariel, that was really bad for the environment.

Ariel: Oh, come on. Who cares? Sea levels are rising, salmon are dying. Good. Salmon are racist. Have you ever talked to one?

Colin Jost: No, I have not.

Ariel: Of course not. Because you’re not willing to do the work.

Colin Jost: Ariel, I thought you were just gonna come out here and you know, like, sing a little song. Don’t you have a little Jamaican crab that you sing with?

Ariel: Listen, Colin, I got a lot of crabs but they don’t sing. They are Jamaican though. Jamaican my nuts itch.

Colin Jost: Ariel, black Ariel, everyone.

Ariel: You just call me Ariel.

Weekend Update Russia Annexes Parts of Ukraine Hurricane Ian Hits Florida

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Vladimir Putin at left top corner.]

In a speech after annexing sections of Ukraine, Vladimir Putin attacked the US for Satanism and denounced the many genders and fashion in the West. It was a hateful, unhinged speech which has many Americans calling him electable.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture from red Square Celebration at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The Kremlin celebrated the illegal annexation of Ukraine with a night of entertainment in Red Square. Say what you will but gigs a gig.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of map of Russia at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The US embassy in Moscow is urging all American citizens in Russia to leave immediately. “Oh, cool. I’ll try to do that said” Brittney Griner.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ron DeSantis at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Hurricane Ian hit Florida this week and Governor Ron DeSantis called it a 500 year flooding event. In fact, it’s such a historic tragedy that DeSantis won’t let them teach about it in Florida schools.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: At White House event, President Biden asked if representative Jackie Walorski was in the audience, asking “Where’s Jackie,” apparently forgetting she died last month.  Worse, worse, he keeps forgetting that this woman is still alive. [picture changes to Kamala Harris]

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of Ted Cruz at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The Electoral Count Reform Act was approved by all members of a Senate committee except for Ted Cruz. Coincidentally, everyone except for Ted Cruz is also who Jesus loves.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s piacture of Ginni Thomas and her husband at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Ginni Thomas, who’s begging you to notice the scarf, said she can say, “Oh, this old thing?” Reportedly told the committee that her husband was unaware of her involvement and challenges to the 2020 election, and they never discuss any case before the court. And if there’s one thing I believe, is that this guy doesn’t talk to his wife.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Marjorie Taylor Greene at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene revealed that her husband has filed for divorce after 27 years of marriage. He officially blamed irreconcilable differences for the split while she blamed the Jews.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden with Ketanji Brown Jackson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Biden on Friday attended a formal ceremony welcoming justice Ketanji Brown Jackson to the Supreme Court. Said Biden, “And where’s Justice Ginsburg? Ruth, come on up here.”

Weekend Update Mitch McConnell and Herschel Walker on 2022 Midterms

Michael Che

Mitch McConnell… James Austin Johnson

Herschel Walker… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Last month, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell expressed concern about Republicans chances in the midterms blaming candidate quality. Here to explain what he meant is Mitch McConnell and Georgia Senate candidate Herschel Walker.

[Mitch McConnell and Herschel Walker slide in]

Mitch McConnell: Alright Che. Pleasure, pleasure.

Herschel Walker: Yeah, let’s go team. Alright.

Michael Che: So Herschel, you’re a former NFL player?

Herschel Walker: Yes.

Michael Che: With no political experience.

Herschel Walker: That’s right.

Michael Che: And you were caught lying about having three secret children?

Herschel Walker: Yes, sir.

Michael Che: So Senator McConnell, do you really think this guy’s ready to be a senator?

Mitch McConnell: It doesn’t matter what I think. It matters what I say and I’d say go Herschel Walker.

Herschel Walker: Ay, well, I love you too, Mitch Mechanic. You see, we not so different. Me and Mint are like two peas in a bag.

Mitch McConnell: All right, well, Herschel, you already said some pretty bizarre things that they’ve got some Republicans worried. I mean, for example, you said “Our good air decided to float over to China’s bad air. So when China gets our good air, the bad air got to move out.” What does that mean?

Herschel Walker: Oh, Che. I’ll slow down so you can understand. We all know air, right? Air bud, Air Jordan, Erin Brockovich.

Mitch McConnell: Indeed.

Herschel Walker: You see, science don’t understand. Everybody’s talking about climate. But what we really should be focusing on is putting Hawaii closer.

Mitch McConnell: Oh, yeah.

Herschel Walker: Bring that climate over here.

Mitch McConnell: That’s a good idea. How about that?

Herschel Walker: They don’t need it. They live. So, that’s something we need to look at very, very closely. Right Bish?

Mitch McConnell: Right. It’s Mitch.

Herschel Walker: Yeah, that’s exactly.

Mitch McConnell: Yeah.

Michael Che: Okay, well, Senator McConnell, I gotta ask. What qualification does this guy actually have to be in the Senate?

Mitch McConnell: There’s too many to name. First of all, he played football. And Georgia loves football.

Herschel Walker: Everybody loves football, baseball. In fact, man, catching balls is what makes us different from apes. Okay?

Mitch McConnell: That’s right.

Herschel Walker: Listen, if we come from apes, why are there still apes out there? Riddle me that Obama Michelle.

Michael Che: What are you talking about? Do you have any real policy proposals?

Herschel Walker: Of course, I do. You know what I wrote a few down for Mitchell on the way over here. Here, go ahead. Read that data. Mitch.

Mitch McConnell: Sure. Proposal number one, barbecue Tuesday.

Herschel Walker: There it is.

Mitch McConnell: Number two, let’s get a daytime moon, that way no more rain.

Herschel Walker: Boom.

Mitch McConnell: And number three, create a department of Instagram booty. Too many girls out here faking their cake.

Herschel Walker: You’re damn right.

Mitch McConnell: You know what? You know what, Herschel? Why don’t you just tell them about yourself?

Herschel Walker: Oh, okay. Yeah, thank you Stitch. I don’t mind if I do. Where’s my camera? Is it down here?

Michael Che: No, it’s right there, man. It’s there.

Herschel Walker: Oh, okay. Hi, America. My name is Herschel Bershell. And I play football for the US Senate. Whenever I’m in hard times, I think of the strength of our founding fathers. George Carver Washington, the Jeffersons, and Benjamin Frankenstein. They changed the world when they got together and wrote the Bible. And when I’m the government, we gonna see. Thank you.

Michael Che: Okay, Mitch McConnell and Herschel Walker, everybody.

Herschel Walker: We’re gonna be looking into that.

Weekend Update Michael Longfellow on Conservative Family Members

Colin Jost

Michael Longfellow

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Euphoria star Sidney Sweeney received backlash when Instagram photos from a family event suggested her parents might be Trump supporters. Here to comment is one of our new cast members, Michael Longfellow.

[Michael Longfellow slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Michael Longfellow: Hey. Hello. Thank you. Thank you. Hey, Colin.

Colin Jost:  Hey, Michael. So, what do you think of Sidney Sweeney getting all this backlash for having conservative parents?

Michael Longfellow: Well, my family’s from Arizona. So if you can get in trouble for what your parents think, it’s been a good run.

Colin Jost: They’re conservative.

Michael Longfellow: Well, my dad’s anti COVID vaccine. He doesn’t really believe in the virus. Which is crazy because every anti vaccine article he sends me because my computer Colin Jost0 of them.

Colin Jost: Do you read any of the article?

Michael Longfellow: I try, but there’s so much Simpsons porn on the side.

Colin Jost: That’s tough. That’s tough. You don’t feel the need then to like distance yourself from your dad?

Michael Longfellow: For being anti Vax? No. You shouldn’t cut anti Vax people out of your life. They could be dead tomorrow. Spend time with them. Call them. Getting the will.

Colin Jost: Right. But the Sydney Sweeney thing wasn’t just about the vaccine. It was also her family with Trump supporters. Right?

Michael Longfellow: Well, Colin, I don’t want to shock you. But my dad doesn’t hate that guy.

Colin Jost: Really?

Michael Longfellow: No, he’s not one of those anti Vax Arizona, liberals you’re always waiting by. You got to stand up to your parents. When I found out my dad was voting for Trump, I sat him down and I told him, “Hey, you keep going down this path. I might have to pay for my own car insurance next year.” Then he told me how much it was. And I said, “Well, I didn’t know that when I said that. So, I’m sorry.”

Colin Jost: And what about the rest of your family?

Michael Longfellow: Do you consider step mom’s family?

Colin Jost: Yeah, I think so.

Michael Longfellow: Ah, shoot! Listen, family dynamics are complicated. You get it? I imagine a lot of people in your family are Republican.

Colin Jost: Well, no, no, not really.

Michael Longfellow: oh, just you?

Colin Jost: I don’t know. I’m saying I’m more of like Bill Maher liberal.

Michael Longfellow: Right? A Republican. Listen, just to make it super clear, I’m very liberal. I’m not a Republican. I mean, unless I get boarding group A at the airport, then I’ll be one for like four minutes, but that’s it. Usually I’m like anarchy, chaos, burn the system to the ground. But if I’m in boarding group A, I am like “Well, order must prevail. I mean, we have a society after all. Don’t touch me. Get off me.” That’s how rich people say Get off me. They will say like one and a half times. “Get your hands off— I said Get your hands off me!”

Colin Jost: Michael Longfellow, everyone.

Michael Longfellow: Thanks, Colin.