Tag: Vanessa Bayer

Car Rental

Vanessa Bayer

Beck Bennett

Malcom… Drake

Duan… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with Vanessa and Beck entering the car rental]

Vanessa: Honey, there’s no line.

Beck: Amazing. Babe, I can’t wait to Gasper rental and spend our honeymoon driving down route one.

Vanessa: Oh, it’s going to be so beautiful.

[Malcolm speaking on the office phone]

Malcolm: Girl. What do you mean we break it up? Well, if you’d be responding to my texts on time, maybe I wouldn’t have gone home with her. I mean how was I supposed to know she was your twin. Y’all don’t even look alike. Call me when you start to get reasonable, man. Hah! Welcome to Premium. I’m Malcolm. This day is already off the rails. Did y’all hear any of that?

Vanessa: Um, a little bit.

Malcolm: Well, you know, a little bit goes a long way when you’re talking to an ice cold bitch. So… [laughing]

Beck: I see. Okay, well we have a reservation under Dale and Jeanine Robinson.

Vanessa: Oh, we should have a prepaid Ford Mustang convertible reserved. We’re on our honeymoon.

Malcolm: [laughing] Okay. Well, uh, look, there’s good news and there’s bad news. Uh, the bad news is we got no cars.

Beck: What?

Vanessa: What’s the good news?

Malcolm: You know, there really ain’t none. I mean, I figured you might have some for me. That’s what I was looking for.

Beck: This is ridiculous. Can you get your manager?

Malcolm: Oh, for real? So we bring it into that level now. All right partner, for you I’m gonna see what I could do. [Malcolm just looks at the manager’s door and turns back] Yeah, he ain’t available.

Vanessa: You just turned and faced the manager’s door.

Beck: Please get your manager.

Malcolm: If you say so. [Malcolm picks up the phone] Duan. I’ve got this couple up here making a stink man. I don’t know. It’s this beautiful bustin woman, but she with this done ass man right here. I don’t know what she’s doing with him. He must be packing some meat or something sugar.

Beck: Excuse me.

[Duan walks out of the manager’s room]

Duan: Hello, I’m Duan. Now what appears to be the problem?

Vanessa: My husband prepaid for a Ford Mustang convertible and we’re being told you have no cars.

Duan: Well, this is all unbeknownst to me. Malcom.

Malcolm: Huh?

Duan: Where are our cars?

Malcolm: Shoot. Oh man. I’m wrapped up in my own situation. You don’t. My girlfriend took a pregnancy test today and it said neither.

Duan: Ooh, Malcolm’s going through it. I’m gonna go take an early lunch.

[Duan turns around and starts walking away]

Beck: Excuse me. Can you just get us our car first?

Duan: No, I needs to eats my turner. All right. That is good for my hair and you know, I like to keep my hair on point. Look at me. I’m breautiful

Malcolm: Yeah. You know, Duan had the alopecia until he went to the hair club?

Duan: Don’t be telling my secrets.
Malcolm: I know bigger secrets in that.

Duan: Is that a threat?

Malcolm: I’m just saying you got plenty words to worry.

Duan: I know that’s right.

Vanessa: Where is our car?

Duan: Oh, did Malcolm not find it for you? Malcolm. Malcolm. Find them a car.

Malcolm: Ah! Look Duan there’s the zero cars in the computer, man.

Duan: Well, did you look out the window? I’m gonna go look out the window. [Duan walks to the window and looks outside] Looks like there’s a Vanessa99Beck, uh, Ford Tempo out there right now. Oh wait, that’s mine. Ooh, that looks really good from here. Shoo. I need to start appreciating what I got.

Beck: Excuse me. My wife asked you about our car.

Duan: Sir. This whole situation is unbeknownst to me. Let me look in the hinder in the computer? Malcolm, move your ass. Let me get in your station.

[Duan pressed the buttons using his pen for several times]

Oh, let’s see. Okay. Oh, here’s something. Yes, there are absolutely no cars.

Vanessa: This is our honeymoon.

Malcolm: Man. Duan, you’re going to have to take this man? I didn’t have my fill of emotion today. Boy. My uncle tried to get me to sell his RV on Craigslist. You ever tried to do that? It’s next to impossible!

Vanessa: What are you talking about?

Beck: You upset my wife.

Duan: Oh baby. Honey, this whole situation is unbeknownst to me. So I’ma tell you what I’m going to do. I will give you the keys to my Ford Tempo. And how about this for a deal? I’m going to charge you the full normal rate for 2015 Mustang convertible?

Beck: What? No.

Duan: All right. That’s fair. I guess that would make in the sense. How about this? You take my Tempo. You drop me off in my show tonight. You take some publicity shots of me on stage from my blurb. You do your little road trip and then you return the car whenever. Just fill up the tank. That’s all I ask. Here. [gives Beck the keys]

Beck: Fine! Whatever.

Duan: Happy honeymoon.

Malcolm: Happy honeymoon.

Church Lady Cold Open

Church Lady… Dana Carvey

Ted Cruz… Taran Killam

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

Melania… Cecily Strong

Ivanka… Vanessa Bayer

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Church Chat intro]

Male voice: And now it’s time for Church Chat.

[Cut to Church Lady]

[cheers and applause]

Church Lady: Thank you. Thank you everybody. Welcome to Church Chat. I’m the Church Lady. You know, it’s interesting times in America, right? And now we’ve landed on the exciting presidential matchup between a god list liberal democrat and Hillary Clinton. But first my favorite event of the week, the Met Gala Ball, the classy evening where strumpets and street walkers and sluts get to parade around in the latest genital fashion. First, we have Madonna. Let’s see what this 57-year-old mother chose to wear.

[Cut to picture of Madonna from behind at the Met Gala]

Look, her fanny’s just hanging out with sturdy straps [Cut to Church Lady] to push those six-decade old bums straight to heaven. Go get Jesus.

And then we have Beyonce. [Cut to picture of Beyonce at Met Gala] She must be thinking, “What should I wear to the ball tonight? [Cut to Church Lady] I know. A giant latex condom. All wrapped up and ready to fornicate.”

Speaking of fornicating, Beyonce made her record called Lemonade about her husband’s affairs. With that in mind, introducing today’s sponsor, Church Lady’s Lemonade.

[Church Lady shows a package of lemonade with her picture on it.]

It’s freshly squeezed just like Jay-Z’s snotty parts.  Too soon? Okay. Alright let’s talk politics, shall we? My first guest is someone I’ve talked about quite a bit here on Church Chat but we’ve never actually met face to face. Please welcome Satan.

[Ted Cruz walks in]

Ted Cruz: Hi there. You can actually just call me Ted Cruz.

Church Lady: Oh, I’m terribly sorry about that. I was just quoting one of your colleagues, Teddy. Don’t get that a bunch. You know, John Boehner, speaker of the house.

Ted Cruz: Oh, sure. No, John’s– Oh, he’s coming up with hilarious nick names for me like Buster, or son of a gun.

Church Lady: I believe the phrase was ‘Lucifer in the flesh’. Yeah, little bit different than Buster. And now you quit the race entirely. Why do you think it didn’t work out?

Ted Cruz: Well Church Lady, I suppose the American people weren’t ready for a candidate with strong Christian values, someone like me who follows the righteous path and lives his faith every blessing moment.

Church Lady: Has anyone ever told you that you’re just a little preachy? Just a little bit. We like ourselves, don’t we. Look at that face. We love ourselves. Coz we think we’re just a little bit– There it is. That’s that happy superior face coz we love Jesus more than anybody.

Ted Cruz: Yes, I do pray to god often and I think everything that happened was part of god’s plan.

Church Lady: Was it? Was it? God’s plan for you to get humiliated by an orange mannequin? That’s kind of an odd plan for god to have for you, isn’t it? Tell me Ted Man Walking, what are you gonna do now?

Ted Cruz: Well actually Church Lady, I’ve been thinking about turning evil for a while. You know? Going to the dark side. I mean, I’ve been told to go to hell so many times I- I think its finally time to check it out. [laughing hardly]

Church Lady: Well, what a fun trip you’re looking forward to. I rarely say this in encouraging way, but see you in hell!

Ted Cruz: Ha-ha, thank you Church Lady. [Stands and walks out laughing]

Church Lady: Alright, very good. Little bit. Just a little bit. Alright, our final guest today is the presumptive republican divorcee– I mean nominee, please welcome the tangerine tornado, Donald J. Trump.

[Donald Trump walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Terrific. Alright there, hi Donny. have a seat. Look at you.

Donald Trump: Hey Church Lady. It’s great to be here. Your place looks tremendous. Believe me, this is one classy fun house.

Church Lady: Actually, this is what we call a church. Something tells me that you’re not a big church goer.

Donald Trump: Oh, I’m a big church guy. I’m there all the time. Sometimes I go even when it’s not church day.

Church Lady: Wow, what a well put statement. Does Donny ever take a gander at the holy scripture?

Donald Trump: Honestly, I love all the books in the bible. I do. They’re all terrific. Corinthians part two. Book of revelations. Two geneses too furious, which says and I quote, “Love thy neighbor as thyself and like a good neighbor stay far as there.” And, “always keep the sabbath huge.” That’s Moses. Oh, and part where Jon Snow comes back to life, that’s great bible.

Church Lady: Well, isn’t that special? Donny, there are those who say you’re not qualified and that’s not true. You know, I remember a Celebrity apprentice episode where Gary Busey didn’t sell enough pancakes and you just said, “You’re fired.” And I thought right then and there, “Give this man the nuclear codes.”

Donald Trump: A lot of people are saying that.

Church Lady: Um-hmm. Speaking of God’s commandments or not, I understand your family is here.

Donald Trump: Oh yeah, that’s right. Get in here guys.

[three women enter]

This is my wife Melania.

Melania: Hello, it’s so wonderful to be here.

Donald Trump: My lovely daughter, Ivanka.

Ivanka: Sort of great to be here as well.

Church Lady: And who’s the third woman down there?

Donald Trump: That’s just another model. I mean she’s great energy to have around.

Church Lady: I’m sure.

Kate: [in Russian accent] Let’s have fun.

Church Lady: It likes all kinds of flash, doesn’t it? Tell me Donald, have you figured out who your vice presidents are gonna be? Somebody who shares your temperament and values? Someone like, oh I don’t know, could it be… Satan?

[Ted Cruz comes in. Now he has horns and fangs. He is there with his minion.]

Ted Cruz: [in demonic voice] I have recurred.

Church Lady: Ted is a demon. My god!

Ted Cruz: I am no longer Ted Cruz. I am Bermagulas, lord of shadows. [laughing]

Donald Trump: You sure you aren’t lord of the weak chins?

[Ted Cruz is angry and looking at Donald Trump]

Ted Cruz: Stop it Donald.

Donald Trump: You’re the first guy who got possessed and looks better.

Ted Cruz: You’re such a jerk, Donald! I’m going back to hell. They’re nicer there.

[Ted Cruz leaves]

Church Lady: Well, that was an eventful Church Chat. Thanks for letting us chatted up with you and right now all I gotta say is…

[Ted Cruz walks in]

Church Lady and Ted Cruz: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

[The End]

Baby Shower

Claire… Leslie Jones

Heather… Kate McKinnon

Sasheer Zamata

Aidy Bryant

Vanessa Bayer

Brie Larson

Cecily Strong

[Starts with a group of moms having a baby shower]

All: Open it. Open it.

Brie: Aw, burp cloths with little duckies on them. Thank you so much for throwing me this baby shower, girls. I feel so welcome to the neighborhood.

Sasheer: Of course. So, when are you becoming a mom?

Brie: My due date is July 14.

Sasheer: Oh, no. That’s when you’re having a child. But when are you becoming a true mother? You know. When are you… [sowing her hair]

Brie: When am I what?

Heahter: She wants to know when you’re getting the cut, sweetie. [feeling her hair]

Brie: The cut?

All: Yes, the cut.

[Everyone except Brie has the same short haircut.]

Cecily: You know, the haircut that all moms have. Soft waterfall in the front but knives in the back.

Vanessa: The one that looks like your’e going to a formal event but on the way, you were stuck by lightning.

Claire: The scared dinosaur from Jurassic Park.

Brie: I don’t think that look is for me.

Sasheer: That’s what we all thought. But then one day something will break inside of you and you’ll know it’s time to get the cut.

Brie: Well, what was it for you?

Sasheer: Well, I was getting ready to leave a wedding and then all of a sudden, I thought, “I need to take this centerpiece.” I can no longer leave a wedding without taking a centerpiece.

Brie: Was it the end of the reception?

Brie: No. I left early because I don’t like music but dammit, I took that centerpiece and then I knew, it was time for the cut.

Aidy: You know, but the cut finds you in different ways. Now for me, it was much more abrupt. I completely blacked out and I came to in the parking lot of Marshall’s Home Goods. And in my hands was a rustic sign that just said the single word, “Home.” Next day, I got the cut.

Cecily: You know now, for me it was when I bought a big glass urn. Huge. Takes up entire kitchen isle. And what did I put in it? One candle.

Brie: And when do you light it?

All: Never!

Brie: So you’re telling me there’s gonna be some sort of magical moment and suddenly I’m gonna want a haircut that’s curtains in the front, iron throne in the back?

Vanessa: No one wants the cut. The cut chooses you. For me, it happened when I stepped into my bathroom. I closed my eyes and heard the ocean. In that moment, I knew my bathroom must be an ocean. I need light houses. I need sea shells. I need soap in the shape of the flipflop.

Brie: Why do you need soap in the shape of a flipflop?

[everybody laughing]

Heahter: Silly girl, she seeks clarity only the cut can provide. But soon you will know many things. Like, bathrooms are oceans. But the kitchen is afar.

Sasheer: Yeah. A kitchen is watering cans, picket fences, a pig in a chef’s hat.

Claire: The cut is more powerful than you can ever imagine. My doctor told me I couldn’t get pregnant unless I have sex with my husband, which I never have, and never will. Instead, I just got the cut and I looked down and boom! I was 7 months pregnant.

Brie: [Folding a bag] There is no way that that could have happened.
Cecily: Really? Then ask yourself a question. Why are you folding that bag so carefully?

Brie: So I can save it for later because it’s just such a nice bag.

Sasheer: We know. We give them to each other. I got that bag from Claire.

Claire: And I got that bag from Heather.

Heahter: And I got it from Barbara. There are only seven bags in this entire county because of women like us. Women with good taste and foresight to save.

[Jon walks in]

Jon: Hey, mom.

Aidy: Hi, sweetie.

Jon: Sorry to interrupt. I’m just gonna grab something to eat.

Brie: I’ll fix you a plate.

Jon: It’s alright. I’ll get it myself. Thanks though.

[Brie is shocked]

Brie: Fix you a plate? He’s not even my son. Yet, I didn’t trust him to put things on a plate and microwave it. I had to do it for him.

Heahter: The catch is upon us.

Brie: No. No, I will never be like you. I will never have a chunky highlight.

Aidy: What’s in motion cannot be undone. Soon you will have the cut. And all of your tank tops will sprout cap sleeves.

Cecily: Your quotes will be inspirational and your magnets, hilarious.

Sasheer: You will go to the beach but only shop…

All: The cat, the cat, the cat.

Sasheer: Welcome sister.

[Brie screaming. Now she has the short haircut too.]

Brie: Oh, my god! [feeling her shot hair] I love this. I love it. And you know what this room needs? A big bowl of fake fruits.

All: Oh, yeah.

Female voice: Happy Mother’s Day from SNL.

[The End]

Woodbridge High School Showcase

Aidy Bryant

Fred Armisen

Kenan Thompson

Vanessa Bayer

David Larry

Kyle Mooney

Taran Killam

Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

[Starts with students introducing their showcase]

Aidy: Welcome everyone to Woodbridge High School Student Theatre showcase.

Fred: Written and directed by us, the students.

[the audience are clapping]

Aidy: Now, before we begin, a warning. Tonight’s show is rated R, for reality check.

Fred: And now, please enjoy, America the beautiful?

[The lights go dim and music starts playing. All the performers enter the stage. The performers are setting up the stage.]

[Lights turn on]

Aidy: Ma’am, what’s this?

Kate: That’s the iPhone 6s with 128 gigabytes.

Aidy: Yes. [to next person] Sir, what’s this?

Taran: That’s the new iPad Pro with 12.9 inch display.

Aidy: Yes. [to next person] And sir, what’s this? [showing a flower]

Fred: I don’t know.

Kyle: How about less tech-nology

Beck: And more nature-nology.

[The lights go dim and music starts playing. The performers are setting up the stage.]

[Cut to David, Vaness and Kenan]

David: What? That’s all the show?

Vanessa: No, no, no. The program says it was scene 1 of 85.

David: Oh, yeah. No, I’m not sitting through 85 of these.

[David walks out]

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Kate: We all know what regular people buy at regular grocery stores.

Kyle: But what do rich people buy at rich grocery stores?

Kate: Let’s find out now.

Beck: [facing Taran] One Hollywood body please.

[Taran acting like he’s processing the orders]

Everybody: Beep-beep.

Fred: [to Taran] One innocent verdict, please.

[Taran acting like he’s processing the orders]

Everybody: Beep-beep.

Aidy: One general election please.

[Taran acting like he’s processing the orders]

Everybody: Beep-beep. Wow!

[The lights go dim and music starts playing. The performers are setting up the stage.]

[Cut to Vaness and Kenan]

Vanessa: You know what sucks? The cast party is at my house. Last year they stayed up until 6 AM just complimenting each other.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Kyle: I have xeca. Cough, cough.

Kate: I have ebola. [sneeze]

Aidy: I have malaria. Malayr-malayr.

Fred: But in high-school, do you know what spreads faster than all of these?

[They start whispering on each other’s ears]

[Cut to Kenan and Vanessa]

Kenan: It’s gonna be gossip.

[Cut to the stage]

Taran: It’s gossip.

[The lights go dim and music starts playing. The performers are setting up the stage.]

[Cut to Vaness and Kenan]

Kenan: No, doy!

Vanessa: Look at this. The program says this show is dedicated to Prince.

Kenan: Yeah, but then they have a picture of Michael Jackson on the back.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Beck: Honey, where’s your prom date? I cannot wait to meet him.

Aidy: Actually, it’s not a him. It’s a her.

[Kate jumps in]

Kate: We’re lesbians.

Everybody: That’s good.

Kate: Nice to meet you, Emily’s dad.

Beck: Actually, I’m not her dad. I’m her mom. I’m transgender.

Everybody: That’s good.

Aidy: And this whole time, none of us were white. We were Asian.

Everybody: That’s good!

[The lights go dim and music starts playing. The performers are setting up the stage.]

[Cut to Vaness and Kenan]

Vanessa: These kids blow. What do they think this is even gonna lead to?

Kenan: Actually, they all just in in NYU.

Vanessa: Oh! Ew!

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Aidy: I have a story. [the other performers start humming] It’s about my little brother. His name is Jackery, but I don’t call him that. I call him hero. Because he has special needs. Doctor said we would need to help him but the funny thing is, he is the one who helped us. And that’s why now, I spell hero with a capital Jackery.

[The lights go dim and music starts playing. The performers are setting up the stage.]

[Cut to Vaness and Kenan]

Vanessa: What? She is my only child. Also, she calls me the R word like everyday.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Fred: For this scene we need a volunteer. How about you in the front row, [Cut to Kenan] pretending to read a tiny book.

Kenan: Who, me?

[Cut to the stage]

Fred: Yes, you. Get up here. Now, we all love to watch violence on TV.

Kate: Band!

Taran: Punch!

Beck: Hit!

Fred: But what happens when we’re confronted by something as simple as the human body?

[Kenan walks to the stage and sits]

Kenan: Oh, no.

[The performers walk to Kenan one by one]

Aidy: My vagina.

Kate: My nipples.

Taran: My scrotum.

Beck: My penis and my brenium.

Aidy: My libia majora.

Kyle: My anus.

Fred: Tell us, sir. Did that make you uncomfortable?

Kenan: Uh, yeah! Coz you’re all kids.

Everybody: Wow!

[The lights go dim and music starts playing.]

[The lights turn on]

Fred: Thank you all for coming to our show.

Aidy: Please stay seated for two hour Q&A amongst ourselves.

[Fred raises his hand]

Aidy: Yes you.

[The End]

New Girlfriend

Aidy Bryant

Vanessa Bayer

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Michael… Jason Sudeikis

Regine… Fred Armisen

[Starts with four friends in a house]

Aidy: So, I’m just shoving my key in the car door and this lady walks up and she’s like, “Um, that’s my Sebaru.”

Vanessa: Oh, no.

Beck: That is hilarious.

Kyle: She’s lying. That all happened to our friend. So, where’s Michael? He’s still coming, right?

Vanessa: I hope so. This whole party was to meet his new girlfriend.

Beck: Yeah, I hope that she’s better than Jessica.

Aidy: Yea, she was the worst.

[doorbell ringing]

Kyle: Oh, there he is.

[Kyle opens the door]

[Michael and Regine walk in. Regine has a cigarette in her hand.]

[cheers and applause]

Michael: Hey, hey guys. How are you doing? I’m very, very sorry we were late but here she is. Isn’t she great?

Regine: Thanks for having us. I’m Regine.

Aidy: Well, come, sit down, Regine. We’ve heard so much about you.

Vanessa: Yeah, it’s so nice to meet you.

Regine: Oh, really? It’s nice of who to meet me? And what do you mean by ‘its’?

Michael: Ha-ha-ha. Oh, isn’t she beautiful, gang? Huh? Isn’t she? And no plastic surgery. This is all natural. This is all god.

Regine: Gods.

Michael: Gods. Gods. Yes, that’s right. I’m sorry. She’s a– Regine’s a Polytheist. You know, it’s one of the things I love about her. You know what else I love about her? 

Regine: Are you gonna give me a neck kiss?

Michael: Watch what happens when I kiss her neck. Watch this.

[Michael kisses Regine’s neck and Regine is making sexual faces.]

Did you see that? Did you see that?

Kyle: I saw something.

Michael: Yeah?

Regine: So, what were you talking about before we got here? The economic breakdown in Venezuela?

Vanessa: Oh, not exactly.

Regine: Oh, why not?

Michael: Regine is very globally conscious. You know? She has taught me so much. Watch what happens when I blow in her ear.

Regine: Dont.

Michael: Come on.

[Michael blows in Regine’s ear. Regine is shaking and shivering.]

You guys noticed anything that time? Huh?

Beck: I notice how intense my shoulders are right now.

Vanessa: We’re being rude. Please have some champagne. We are celebrating tonight.

Michael: Oh, great!

[Regine looks at the champagne bottle]

Regine: Moet? Wow! What are you celebrating? Average-ness?

Beck: No.

Michael: Hah! She’s joking. She’s joking. Regine has a very, very refined palette. As well as refined sense of humor. Watch what happens when I tickle her behind her knee. Give me that. [pulling her leg]

[Michael tickles under Regine’s knee. Regine is going crazy.]

Aidy: Is she okay?

Michael: Oh, yeah. She’s okay. She is more than okay. Her body is like a harp that I only know how to play. And only my touch is what she responds to. Yeah, there it is.

Vanessa: Okay, you know, her foot is in the guacamole.

Michael: Doesn’t matter. Doesn’t matter. Makes it better.

[Michael eats some chips]

I’m fine with that.

Regine: Can I order drink please?

Kyle: Order?

Regine: I’ll have a Manhattan straight up.

Vanessa: Oh, I love those.

Regine: Oh, then never mind. You ruined it. Um, just a French liquor of any kind?

Kyle: We don’t have that.

Regine: Well then, you’re not ready for guests.

Michael: Sweetie. Everyone, I would love to make a proposal toast to Regine. Honey, you wanna sit on my lap doing this?

[Regine tries to sit on Michael’s lap face to face]

No, no, no. Let’s do, reverse cowgirl. There we go.

[Regine sits on Michael’s lap]

Um, and do you mind if I scratch your head, your scalp while I do it.

Regine: Oh, don’t.

Michael: Okay, here we go.

[Michael caresses Regine’s hair. She is going crazy again.]

Oh, there we go. My dearest Regine. You have opened my mind. I hope you do the same to my friends. May you continue to stimulate us. Challenge us. Astound us. And correct us. You were like a hot Monalisa and she was drawn or painted with her mouth wide open. So to that stupid little smirk that we all human beings hate, right? To Regine.

Regine: To Regine.

Michael: There you go.

Vanessa: Okay. Is there any more food? I need to get something down my throat to fight what is coming up.

Beck: Yeah, here babe. [passing some food to her] No, no, no. Here, [passing to Michael and Regine] try the flat bread pizza. This is–

Regine: Flat bread pizza? What are we in? A line at Lego Land? No, thank you.

[Regine puts her cigarette down on the plate Beck passed.]

Aidy: [standing up] Okay, you know what Regine? If you’re having such a bad time, then maybe you should just go.

Michael: [yelling] Hey! Gosh! No! Look, if you’re not capable, [pointing everybody] you, you and you, you’re not capable of appreciating how special and remarkable Regine is, then maybe we should go.

Regine: No, no, no. No. We’re not going anywhere. This night is gonna be long. And we’re gonna talk about films and books and outsider art because I’m in love with this man. So now I’m in your life. Now watch what happens when I rest my hands on his upper butt.

Michael: What are you gonna do?

[Regine puts her hand on Michael’s upper butt. Michael is acting crazy.]

[The End]

Who Works Here?

Catherine Maeks… Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Jessica… Vanessa Bayer

Donald… Taran Killam

Debra… Sasheer Zamata

Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Kevin… Bobby Moynihan

Pete Davidson

[Starts with ‘Who Works Here?’ intro]

Male voice: And now live from the CVS on 14th and first, it’s America’s newest game show ‘Who Works Here?’ with your host Catherine.

[Catherine walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Catherine: Hello. Hello everyone and welcome to ‘Who Works Here?’ where contestants have to examine the people wandering this CVS and determine who the hell works here. Now normally, this is when we get to know our contestants but I met them back stage and I gotta say they’re unbelievably dull

[The contestants are smiling and nodding their heads]

So, let’s get started. Jessica you’re up first. Does this person work here?

[Cut to Cecily looking around in the store. She has a blue shirt and a blue hat on.]

Jessica: Hah, well she looks like an employee. [calling Cecily] Excuse me. [Cecily is pretending she can’t hear] Excuse me? [Cecily looks at Jessica angrily] Excuse me ma’am.

Cecily: Ma’am?

Jessica: Sorry. Miss, do you know what isle the hand soap is on?

[Cecily pretends as she didn’t hear her]

Okay, I’m gonna say she does not work here.

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Oh, I’m so sorry. She’s actually the Assistant Manager but she is on break. And she chooses to spend her break standing motionless in the center of CVS. Donald, you’re up. Does this person work here?

[Cut to Aidy. She is wearing the blue shirt and has a yellow patch on it. She is throwing stuffs around.]

Donald: Well, let’s see. She is actively destroying the store which seems like a bad thing for an employee to do. But she is wearing a button that says ‘Ask me for help. I work here.’ Um, I’m not buying it. She does not work here.

[right answer bell]

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Hey, correct. She does not work here. She’s just a local vagrant that parades around the store once a day while our security guard takes his usual 40 minute bathroom break. Nice work Donald.

[Cut to Donald]

Donald: Well, I know my way around this CVS Catherine.

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: What does that mean?

[Cut to Donald]

Donald: Just– j– It has isles.

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: See? Dull. Debra, it’s your turn. Does this person work here?

[Cut to Kevin walking around in casual outfit with two gallons]

Kevin: I work here. I work here. I work here. I work here.

[Cut to Debra]

Debra: Well, he keeps saying ‘I work here’. I’m gonna stick with my gut and say that he does not work here.

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Oh, that was a tough one. But he actually does work here… as a prostitute. I admit that one was very tricky one. Thanks Kevin.

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: I don’t work here. Wheee!

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: And now, we move on to our lighting round.

[Cut to Jessica]

Jessica: I’m sorry. Do you mean lightning?

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: No. Lighting. We just flick the lights on and off a bunch and see what kind of weirdos emerge from the back of the store. And you tell us who works here. And go!

[Cut to the isles. The lights are switching on and off. Some people are just running around.]

[Cut to Donald]

Donald: Okay, that guy!

[The people running around pause and light focuses on Pete.]

That guy gave me my prescription at the pharmacy but somehow, I don’t think he works here.

[right answer bell]

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: That’s exactly right. He just showed up and started passing out drugs and no one ever questioned it. Alright, here we go, round two and go.

[Cut to the isles. The lights are switching on and off. Some people are just running around.]

[Cut to Debra]

Debra: And him!

[The people running around pause and light focuses on Kenan. He is wearing security uniform.]

That’s the security guard. He used the bathroom for 40 minutes.

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Oh, so close. But that’s actually a security guard from Right Aid who just comes in to use our bathroom.

[As Kenan puts the magazine back on the shelf, we can see toilet tissues hanging behind him on his pants.]

And he’s putting the magazine back on the shelf. That’s great. And go!

[Cut to the isles. The lights are switching on and off. Some people are just running around.]

[Cut to Jessica]

Jessica: Okay, her!

[The people running around pause and light focuses on Kate.]

[Cut to Jessica]

There is no way she works here.

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Oh, she is actually our Assistant Manager.

[Cut to Jessica]

Jessica: You said that the first woman was the Assistant Manager.

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Well, everyone at CVS is at least an Assistant Manager. But interesting side note, she is dead. Died in the store 90 years ago.

[Cut to Jessica]

Jessica: You know, I saw a show about ghost once.

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Wow, great story Jessica. And now, there’s only one person left. [Cut to Leslie. She’s wearing a black suit.] And maybe this will help.

[music playing]

[Leslie starts dancing]

[Cut to Donald]

Donald: Hmm. I guess I’m gonna say she works here.

[right answer bell]

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Oh, you’re darn right she does, Donald. She’s actually a full Manager. So technically, all she is to do is dance. And you should dance too Donald because you’re our big winner.

[Cut to Donald dancing]

Donald: Oh, my god! What did I win?

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: I don’t know. I don’t actually work here. Thanks for playing.

[The End]

Meet and Match

Brad… Beck Bennett

Beth… Kate McKinnon

Barbara… Julia Louis-Drefus

Trevor… Taran Killam

Max… Kyle Mooney

Cecily Strong

Vanessa Bayer

Jay Pharoah

Jon Rusnitsky

[Starts with people enjoying in Meet N’ Match pub]

Brad: Okay singles, looks like we got a lot of love connections tonight. Which is what match.com, Meet N’ Match is all about. We’re winding down soon so if you need any last drink tickets, come see me, your man Brad at the host table. Now, let me hear you make some noise.

[Everybody cheering for Brad]

[space ship landing sound]

[Beth and Barbara enter the pub. They’re wearing long dresses, have long hair and both their eyes are completely black. And their voices are of male.]

Beth: Hello, we are two females from this planet.

Barbara: We must find men for dating.

Beth: I am concerned. We do not look like the human women here.

Barbara: Yes, but we must succeed in dating males. That must be your focus.

Brad: I see we’ve got some singles joining us. Get up here ladies and introduce yourselves. Sorry, them’s the rules. Oh, my god! Your eyes! Dude!

Beth: Hello, I am one Beth.

Barbara: And I am the Barbara.

Brad: Um, what are you two looking for tonight?

Barbara: Adult males for dating to produce a child.

Beth: Our kind is dying. A child can restart the world engine.

Barbara: Our twin stars are dimming. Our kind is dying. We need to produce a child now.

Beth: If a child cannot undim the bistars, our world will invert into it’s mantle.

Brad: Ay…. super weird. But we need all the girls we can get. So ladies, have fun tonight.

[Beth and Barbara walk towards Trevor and Max]

Beth: Hello, we are flirting. Now we must date.

Trevor: Woah, you move fast. Ha-ha. I’m Trevor.

Max: I’m Max and your eyes are crazy, but that’s kind of hot.

Barbara: We must date now. Our kind is dying.

[Cecily and Vanessa comes in to approach Trevor and Max

Cecily: Hey guys, um, this thing’s almost done. You guys down for an after party?

Beth: No, go! These men belong to us.

Vanessa: Um, you can’t call dibs on guys.

[Beth and Barbara start making noise and Vanessa is possessed by them and her nose is bleeding.]

Cecily: Oh my god, Paige, your nose is bleeding. Paige!

Vanessa: Who is Paige? Where am I?

[pulling her friend away]

Cecily: We’re gonna sue you!

Trevor: Whoa, damn! You girls are intense.

Max: Ay, you wanna get a drink or what?

Barbara: No, there is not time. Come with us.

[Beth and Barbara pull Trevor and Max with them]

Beth: We will date in here. Our kind is dying.

[They go through the door]

Brad: Alright, FYI, there’s a large glowing crater out front so if you go outside to smoke, watch your stepperini! Ha-ha.

[Beth and Barbara come out of the door. Trevor and Max are turned into skeletons that are behind the door.]

Beth: That did not go well. They were too weak for the act.

Barbara: The act of dating turned them into bones.

Beth: Next time, we must not destroy the male.

Barbara: Yes, we learned our lesson

[two guys approach Beth and Barbara]

Jay: Ay, so we’ve been watching you two and y’all are freak.

Jon: We like that. Can we please buy you a drink?

Beth: Yes. And then give us the child.

Jay: Yeah, we can do that.

Brad: Alright, hey Matchers, if anyone knows about the two warm skeletons in the men’s restroom, please tolerate management. In the meantime, don’t be single. Mingle! Ha-ha-ha.

[The End]

Huge Jewelry

Gabriel Balinia… Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Dana Balania Zonurela… Kate McKinnon

Audrina… Cecily Strong

Valencia… Aidy Bryant

Risabella… Vanessa Bayer

Gatzora… Sasheer Zamata

Antony… Nick Jonas

[Starts with Gabriel and Dana]

Gabriel: Hello, my name is Gabriel Balinia.

Dana: And I’m Dana Balania Zonurela.

Gabriel: Here in Long Island, the only thing as big as our dreams is our family.

Dana: And our god given breasts.

[laughing]

Gabriel: But more than that, our jewelry. That’s why we are the proud sister owners of Long Island zone ‘Huge Jewelry.’

Dana: Located in a beautiful strip mole of a Jergo Turn.

Gabriel: You know, Huge Jewelry.

Dana: Do you want people to notice you but don’t care if it’s good or bad?

Gabriel: Honestly, why wear jewelry unless you can see it from space?

Dana: Right?

Gabriel: Case in point, this exquisite destiny three piece modeled my my beautiful daughter, Audrina.

[Audrina walks in with her neck and cleavage covered with jewelry]

Oh, come on! Isn’t this piece of jewelry huge? And Huge as same as good. Audrina, how do you feel in that gorgeous piece of jewelry?

Audrina: It’s crushing my windpipe.

Dana: Gabriel, I gotta say it’s absolutely gorgeous.

Gabriel: Yeah.

Dana: Gorgeous girl. That body.

Gabriel: Oh, my daughter? Gorgeous body, gorgeous girl with bang.

Dana: I bet she gets spanked all the time.

Gabriel: Well, enjoy it well at last because–

Dana: Because it’s just like they say…

Gabriel and Dana: When the body goes, the jewelry grows.

Gabriel: Audrina, why don’t you tell the viewers at home a little bit about yourself?

Audrina: My name is Audrina. I am DanaGabriel. My dream is to be a doctor or I get paid to stay next to cars. My dad!

Gabriel: Yeah, good job honey. I’ll see you at home, I’m making stuff shells.

[Audrina leaves]

You like the dress by the way, oh my god! I bought it three AM on my iPad while I waited for my back medication to kick in.

Dana: Oh, how is your back?

Gabriel: Oh, it’s bad. But doctor says it’s because of my Huger Jewelry, but I think it’s stress.

Dana: It’s definitely stress. You do too much. And speaking of too much, look at this exquisite pendant earring from Fabina Marcos and God Sons.

[Valencia walks in wearing large earrings]

Modeled by my beautiful daughter, Valencia.

Gabriel: Valencia is wearing a full J drop earring complete with a patted in bologna earring shoulder brace.

Dana: Boring earrings hang from the ear. Huge earrings are elevated by the shoulder.

Valencia: Yeah. Because otherwise the earrings will rip your earlobes straight off.

Dana: Valencia!

Valencia: What? I should know. It happened to me. Didn’t have these shoulders do my gigs and my ear ripped right through.

Dana: The doctor glued it back together. What’s the big deal? Earlobes are like your liver. You don’t need it.

Valencia: Alright, am I done? Can I go out please?

Dana: Yes. I’m so proud of you. I love you.

[Valencia leaves]

Gabriel: Oh my god! Gorgeous. She’s absolutely breathtaking. Well, our next look is my absolute favorite Huge Jewelry. It’s the Faviana Kate Collection.

Dana: Oh! Modeled by my Gatzora Katziana.

Gabriel: And my niece, Risabella.

[Risabella and Gatzora walk in wearing a necklaces having large football size pearls hanging on them. Risabella is wearing it hanging in the front and Gatzora is wearing it hanging at the back.]

Risabella: Two ways.

Gatzora: One huge piece of jewelry.

Gabriel: You can rock the pearl in the front.

Dana: Or let your pearl just hang out in the back.

Gabriel: Come on! don’t they look gorgeous? And the necklaces are only $12, how do we do that?

Dana: They’re filled with dirt.

Gabriel: Great job girls. Now you can go.

Dana: Go!

[Risabella and Gatzora leave]

Gabriel: So come on down to Huge Jewelry and also, we do men. So, please welcome my god nephew Antony Marcos Prince Mortadella.

[Antony walks in wearing a chained board that has his name written on it]

Antony: Customizable jewelry! Also, you can put whatever you want on it.

Gabriel: I mean, when did you get so hot?

Dana: I know. He used to have pimples [showing different parts of her body] here, here, here.

Gabriel: Yeah. Well no. Not anymore. Is that necklace heavy for you Antony?

Antony: Nah! Nah, I’m pretty much jacked to the max.

Gabriel: Antony, when did you get so hot?

Antony: Last May.

Gabriel and Dana: Aw!

Male voice:H uge Jewelry in Massapequa, Long Island.

God is a Boob Man Trailer

Beth… Vanessa Bayer

Taran Killam

Jon Rudnitsky

Sasheer Zamata

Schmul… Kyle Mooney

Judge… Kenan Thompson

Cecily Strong

Governor… Bobby Moynihan

[Starting of a movie trailer]

Male voice: Beth was a small town baker without a care.

[Taran walks in Beth’s bakery[

Taran: Hi there. I’d like to order a wedding cake.

Beth: Of course. Where is the lucky bride?

[Taran looks around]

Taran: He is right here.

[Jon walks to Taran and holds him]

Male voice: Until her fate was tested.

Taran: Now, make the cake.

Male voice: They wanted her to spit in the face of god.

[Beth is making the cake while Taran and Jon are watching]

Taran: I said make the cake.

Beth: I can’t do it.

Male voice: From the makers of God on the Run and Angel in Denim: The Kim Davis Story.

[Cut to Beth and Sasheer behind their bakery.]

Sasheer: What are you thinking? Gays are the most powerful force in America.

Male voice: A story of liberal elites run wild.

Taran: You’ll be hearing from our Jewish lawyer.

[Cut to Beth called in for the case]

Schmul : My name is Schmul from the SOU. You are in lot of trouble, Beth.

Beth: What do you people want from me?

Schmul : My clients just need you to say three simple words.

Taran: [counting the words in his fingers] God is gay.

Beth: But he is not gay. God is as straight as they come.

Schmul : Then I guess we’ll be seeing you in court.

[Cut to Beth walking to the court. The song ‘Fight Song’ by Rachel Platten is playing.]

Beth: Gays are trying to force their agenda. They’re even teaching it in school.

Male voice: Only she has the courage to say.

Beth: [To Sasheer] They say we’re bigot but Christians are the most oppressed group in this country.

Sasheer: Maybe!

Beth: But I’m gonna prove once and for all that god is straight.

[talking in court] If god is gay then why aren’t there any gay priests?

Judge: Miss Walsh, you are on thin ice. You know god is gay. Just admit it!

Beth: No.

Male voice: She needed an aliy.

[Cut to governor’s meeting]

Cecily: Governor, we are the poorest state in the country, second in obesity, third in teen pregnancy. We have to do something.

[Beth walks in the meeting]

Governor: Well, hold that thought. [To Beth] What’s wrong ma’am?

Beth: I wanna deny basic goods and services to gay people.

Governor: [looks around] Everybody out. This is the priority now.

[Cut to the court]

Judge: Last chance miss Walsh. Let’s hear it.

[Beth stands]

Beth: God… is… [Taran and Jon are watching her] a boob man!

[everybody in the court cheer for her]

Male voice: God is a Boob Man. Rated R for graphic gay sexual content.

Brooklyn Democratic Debate Cold Open

Wolf Blitzer… Beck Bennett

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Bernie Sanders… David Larry

Arrow Louis… Kenan Thompson

Elaine Benes… Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Rachael Green… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Democratic Presidential Debate intro]

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Good evening and welcome to the CNN Democratic Debate live from Brooklyn, New York. i am Wolf Blitzer and believe it or not i shaved five minutes ago. Let’s meet the candidates. First up, former secretary of state, Hillary Clinton

[Cut to Hillary Clinton walking to the podium]

[cheers and applause]

Hillary Clinton: Hello. Hello Brooklyn. Whoo! I cannot wait to be your next president, if I’m elected of course. Not getting ahead of myself… in public. In private, I’ve been president for 15 years.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer.]

Wolf Blitzer: And Vermont senator, Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton. Bernie Sanders walks to this podium.]

[cheers and applause]

Bernie Sanders: Yes, yes. Good for you. Good for you. I am Bernie Sanders. I am a voice for regular people. I’m not fancy. I’m not the elite. I put on my pants just like all of you. I sit on the edge of the bed and Jane pulls them up for me.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Well, thank you both for making time to be here. I know it’s hard for both of you to agree on a date.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Well no. Not for me, Wolf. I offered up a date right away. I said, “How about Mapril thirty-third aploo-ploo-o’clock?”

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Wolf, I want a million debates. When people hear my message it resonates loud and clear. Because I always talk like I’m on the other side of a river.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Secretary Clinton, we’ll start with you. You recently stood by governor Cuomo as he signed a $15 minimum wage into law. So you no longer think it should be $12?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: No. Wolf, I have said from the beginning that it should be a combination of 12 and/or 15.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: No. No you didn’t. You always said 12.

Hillary Clinton: And 15. I said 12 and/or 15.

Bernie Sanders: No. That’s not true.

Hillary Clinton: [pointing at Bernie Sanders] Yes, it is.

Bernie Sanders: [pointing at Hillary Clinton and walking a step forward towards Hillary Clinton aggressively] No, it is not.

Hillary Clinton: Yes.

Bernie Sanders: No.

[Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders start hitting each other]

[Hillary Clinton grabs Bernie Sanders by his neck and rubs her knuckle on his forehead]

Hillary Clinton: Are you feeling the Bern?

Bernie Sanders: It burns.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Okay. Secretary Clinton, come on, let him go. Let him go.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton, raising both her hands as celebrating her fight victory.]

Hillary Clinton: That’s how we do it in Brooklyn, baby. Whoo! God I love Brooklyn. Brooklyn, the only place on earth where the [whispering inaudibly] is better than the [whispering inaudibly].

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Okay. We now have a question about black issues. So for that, we turn to our black moderator, Arrow Louis.

[Wolf Blitzer leaves and Arrow Louis walks in]

[romantic music playing]

Arrow Louis: Oh, yeah, candidates. It’s time for the black question. So you know, they asked me to do it. And I’m gonna do it real good. Here we go.

[music stops]

Secretary Clinton, in 1994, you supported a crime bill that has led to the mass incarceration of many black people. Do you regret this decision?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] I am laughing to give myself time to think about how to answer this question. Ha-ha. [thinking] Got it. Listen Wolf, the black community loves me. And I love them. In fact, I have two black people in my phone. Barack Obama and my husband Bill Clinton. God, I love Barack. We do every thing together. We’re always chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool and [singing] shooting some b-ball outside of the school with a couple of guys, that they were up to no good.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Wow-wow,wow-wow. I’m gonna stop you right there. You already have the black vote. Don’t ruin it.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Wolf! Let me just say I have supported the black community since the Rachael Green0s. I marched in Selma with Martin Luther King Jr. Did I run when they turned on the hoses? Yes. I didn’t sign up for getting wet. I’m not getting sick in Selma, I’ll tell you that.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Moving on. Secretary Clinton, many have said this campaign has gotten meaner in recent weeks. Do you think you played a part in this?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Oh, come on Wolf. I don’t have a mean bone in my body. Just ask anyone except those close to me.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Now, since we’re here in New York we thought it would be appropriate to take questions from some real New Yorkers in the audience.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Sure, sure, bring it on.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Our first question comes from a long time New Yorker. She has worked in publishing and her name is Elaine Benes.

[Cut to Elaine Benes in the audience]

[cheers and applause]

Elaine Benes: Hi there. Um, yeah, I have two questions. My first is for senator Sanders.

[Cut to split screen]

Bernie Sanders: I couldn’t hear the question.

Elaine Benes: Yeah. I didn’t ask it yet, Bernie. So listen, you’ve been pretty vague in the past, but how exactly are you gonna break up the big banks?

Bernie Sanders: You mean the big bank breakup?

Elaine Benes: Yeah, big bank breakup.

[Bernie Sanders gesturing like he’s slapping it]

Bernie Sanders: I will break em’ up!

Elaine Benes: How? How?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Once I’m elected president, I’ll have nice schvitz in the White House gym. Then I’ll go to the big banks. I’ll sit them down. And yada-yada-yada, they’ll be broken up.

[Cut to split screen]

Elaine Benes: What? No! No! You can’t yada-yada at a debate! Also, you yada-yada over the best part.

Bernie Sanders: No. I mentioned the schvitz.

Elaine Benes: Okay, secretary Clinton. [Hillary Clinton appears in place of Bernie Sanders] My question for you is don’t it suck to be the only girl in a group of guys?

Hillary Clinton: [raising both hands] Yes, it does my sister friend.

Elaine Benes: Well, don’t worry because everyone thinks you are by far the funniest. I mean, the most qualified.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Then what the hell am I?

[Cut to Elaine Benes]

Elaine Benes: You’re bald.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Bernie has gotten upset!

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Our next question is another long time New Yorker. She works in fashion and her name is Rachael Green.

[Cut to Rachael Green]

Rachael Green: Oh. Ah-ah, yeah! So, because of the, um, the uh, uh, ya, and um, what would? Yeah.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Ma’am, that wasn’t a question. And your time is up.

[Cut to Rachael Green]

Rachael Green: Oh. Oh, great! Great!

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Our next question comes from a father of six. He’s a OBGYN in Brooklyn and his name is Dr. Cliff Huxtable.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders]

Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders: Oh, no! No! No!

Bernie Sanders: Forget that. No.

[Hillary Clinton turns around]

I need black voters but not that bad.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Okay. Then it looks like we have one final question, and we’re going back to Miss Elaine Benes.

[Cut to Elaine Benes]

Elaine Benes: Yea, senator Sanders, [Cut to split screen] you believe that the super rich should pay more in taxes.

Bernie Sanders: Yeah. Right. That’s right.

Elaine Benes: But wouldn’t that be bad for actors who made a lot of money on a certain very successful sitcom?

Bernie Sanders: Yeah. So?

Elaine Benes: Well, I mean wouldn’t it be even worse for the person who created that sitcom? I mean, wouldn’t he lose a lot of money? Do you see what I’m saying?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Eee- yeah, yeah, yeah. You should vote for her.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders. Elaine Benes runs in.]

Hillary Clinton: That’s me, yes. And…

Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders and Elaine Benes: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

[The End]